Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

[Barman]

I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

 

[Steve]

I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

 

[Darwins Selection]

I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

 

[apc2010]

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband: EErrgh, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......





(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:






Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep

[Steve]

 

[Barman]

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband: EErrgh, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......





(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:






Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep

AFFS!

Or similar anyways... 

[Steve]

So now we know

[Steve]

I was at the Chemist this morning.

"Sir", the Chemist said, "Please understand, to buy a anti-depressant pill, you need a prescription,...simply showing your marriage certificate and a picture of your wife is not enough.........

[Steve]

IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[apc2010]

IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

 

[Barman]

IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

 

 

[Steve]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her sodding knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''

"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure her fekkin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

[Barman]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her sodding knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''

"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure her fekkin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

 

[Steve]

I just had the police at my door, they showed me a picture and asked if this is your wife.
I said yes and they said they were sorry but it looks like she has been hit by a bus.
I said I know but she’s good with the kids.