Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 388384 times)

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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #825 on: June 24, 2011, 03:07:08 PM »
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:

 ::) Gayer:

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #826 on: June 28, 2011, 08:55:11 AM »
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Darwins Selection

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Offline Baldy

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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #829 on: July 03, 2011, 09:17:14 PM »
I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'

LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #830 on: July 04, 2011, 04:24:05 AM »
I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'

 lol: lol: lol:


Ooohhh, is it time for me toast joke?  razz:
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Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #831 on: July 04, 2011, 01:23:58 PM »
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it
Skubber

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #832 on: July 04, 2011, 02:05:50 PM »
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it

 drumroll:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #833 on: July 05, 2011, 04:38:38 PM »
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #834 on: July 05, 2011, 05:04:08 PM »
happy001
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #835 on: July 05, 2011, 08:18:00 PM »
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 lol: lol: lol:

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #836 on: July 05, 2011, 08:43:48 PM »
Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names.  That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy.  Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now?  Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs.  No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread.  In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks.  Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off.  Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did.  No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either.  Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game?  He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse!  Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling.  What the fuck is that all about?  In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat.  And the women used to expect it, and so they should have.  They was lucky to be married to footballers.  Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat.  Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor".  Good old Archie.  Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals.  Did he have any "stress
counselling"?  Did he bollocks!

And drugs?  There was none of that in the old days.  Oh, no.  In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum.  None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’?  Don't talk to me about goal celebrations.  Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh!  I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner.  Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards.  But it was a proper wank, all man stuff.  None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match.  But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye.  I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week!  Ha!  I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence.  Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month!  And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England.  It's true, you know, it fucking is.  Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner.  He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend.  And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again.  If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days.  Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney.  Fuck that!  Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf.  And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #837 on: July 05, 2011, 09:12:31 PM »
My sister writes to complain:

Quote
Classic conversation with my hypochondriac friend - after hearing her latest list of ailment she finished with 'and I've lost more than a stone' Me: 'so have I' Her: 'Yes but I didn't need to'
Warning: May contain Skub
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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #838 on: July 06, 2011, 03:17:54 AM »
Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names.  That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy.  Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now?  Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs.  No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread.  In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks.  Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off.  Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did.  No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either.  Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game?  He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse!  Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling.  What the fuck is that all about?  In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat.  And the women used to expect it, and so they should have.  They was lucky to be married to footballers.  Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat.  Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor".  Good old Archie.  Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals.  Did he have any "stress
counselling"?  Did he bollocks!

And drugs?  There was none of that in the old days.  Oh, no.  In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum.  None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’?  Don't talk to me about goal celebrations.  Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh!  I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner.  Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards.  But it was a proper wank, all man stuff.  None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match.  But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye.  I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week!  Ha!  I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence.  Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month!  And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England.  It's true, you know, it fucking is.  Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner.  He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend.  And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again.  If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days.  Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney.  Fuck that!  Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf.  And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.

happy001
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #839 on: July 08, 2011, 09:46:22 AM »
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated..........