Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 379579 times)

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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #465 on: March 10, 2011, 02:49:13 PM »
An environmentalist came into my shop today and bought a few bits and bobs. "Would you like a bag for those?" I asked as I began scanning his items.

"Only if they degrade." He replied............



So I took a black marker pen and wrote on it "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy wanker."

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #466 on: March 10, 2011, 03:10:04 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #467 on: March 10, 2011, 04:44:20 PM »
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo .

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament aren`t you", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog you prick.

Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #468 on: March 10, 2011, 09:30:05 PM »
Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...



...Unless you are in prison .
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #469 on: March 10, 2011, 09:34:00 PM »
Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...



...Unless you are in prison .

Miss D's thread .............. rubschin:

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #470 on: March 10, 2011, 09:35:56 PM »
 lol:

There are no coincidences  whistle:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #471 on: March 10, 2011, 10:16:32 PM »
Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .


Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .


LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #472 on: March 11, 2011, 05:29:44 AM »
Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .


Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .




 lol: lol: lol:

Mr. Tea? Meet Mr. keyboard!
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #473 on: March 11, 2011, 07:29:45 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #474 on: March 11, 2011, 08:24:52 AM »
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #475 on: March 11, 2011, 08:34:58 AM »
Man teases ex-wife's new husband

"How's the second hand pussy?" he enquires

"It's great thanks " says the new husband, "after the first two inches it's brand new ! "
Skubber

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #476 on: March 11, 2011, 08:39:49 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #477 on: March 11, 2011, 08:33:05 PM »
Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a 20,000 fine......



No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #478 on: March 12, 2011, 05:41:17 AM »
Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a 20,000 fine......



No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #479 on: March 12, 2011, 06:53:29 PM »
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk up to the bar. The rabbi asked for a Martini, the priest requested a beer, and the duck said, "I'll have a Scotch and soda". The bartender stared in amazement at the talking duck and asked, "What happened to the penguin?
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