Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.  "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.  "The University of Life mate!" he replied.  "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

[apc2010]

Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.  "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.  "The University of Life mate!" he replied.  "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

 

[Steve]

Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.  "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.  "The University of Life mate!" he replied.  "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

 

[Barman]

Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.  "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.  "The University of Life mate!" he replied.  "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

 

[Darwins Selection]

Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today.  "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said.  "The University of Life mate!" he replied.  "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

 

[Steve]

Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas .
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

[Just One More]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

[Barman]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

[Uncle Mort]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

 

[Barman]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

 

You have to read it with his accent Uncle... 

[apc2010]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

 

[apc2010]

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. 

 

There is a Roger Moore joke there somewhere ....

[Steve]

Hi, I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I have volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine trials that the government are running in partnership with Pfizer. It's important that we all do our part to beat this virus. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. I received my first dose this morning 06:20 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо.

[Darwins Selection]

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it.

The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

[Nick]

I love Quaker jokes