Disgusterous

Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 380122 times)

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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1125 on: December 08, 2011, 09:21:21 AM »
A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....


I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you..........

Hardly credible...  ::)

We all know you haven't got any friends...  noooo:
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1126 on: December 08, 2011, 03:20:55 PM »
I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1127 on: December 08, 2011, 03:22:00 PM »
I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1128 on: December 13, 2011, 07:11:51 PM »
Warning: May contain Skub
Cat sitter extraordinaire
Semi-professional crocodile

Offline Barman

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Offline Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1130 on: December 14, 2011, 04:16:16 PM »
I have always thought that the worst thing about drowning was having to call 'help!' You must look such a fool. It's put me against drowning.
J Basil Boothroyd

Offline Barman

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Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1132 on: December 14, 2011, 09:19:23 PM »
Tipsy been in yet?  scared2:
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1133 on: December 14, 2011, 09:38:29 PM »
Tipsy been in yet?  scared2:

She left just before you came in.

I thought she might have passed you on her way to the Ladies.
I mostly despair

Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1134 on: December 17, 2011, 01:17:32 PM »
Nothing says, "Sorry I ran over your daughter"
No, seriously, nothing.
Not even Moonpig.com

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1135 on: December 19, 2011, 06:41:31 AM »
Don't you just love it when wimmin do this  lol:

Guess
« Last Edit: December 19, 2011, 06:45:24 AM by Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) »
Skubber

Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1136 on: December 19, 2011, 06:44:11 AM »
Gubbed  Banghead
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1137 on: December 19, 2011, 06:45:10 AM »
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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1138 on: December 19, 2011, 06:47:52 AM »
Don't you just love it when wimmin do this  lol:

Guess

happy001

Reminds me of the Dave Allen joke... cept it was a gas mask in that one....
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Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #1139 on: December 20, 2011, 10:48:51 AM »
UNCLASSIFIED
                                                                           Christmas Health and Safety.                       
                                                                           
 Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols later in the month, the following are some things to consider from an occupational health and safety point of view:-                                                   
                                                                       
Jingle Bells                                                             
Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh                     
O'er the fields we go laughing all the way                               
             
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please  note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.                                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
While Shepherds Watched                                                 
 While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground,   
 The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around                   
                                                                         
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.                                               
                                                                                                                                                   
 Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been  issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and  Glory                                                           

 Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer                                           
 Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.                   
 And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.                     

 You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of   any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.  Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on   full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.     
                                                                           
 Little Donkey.                                                           
 Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road                                                                                                       
 Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load                   
                                                                           
 The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the  guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
 The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. 
 
                                                                           
 We Three Kings.                                                         
We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar.             
 Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star                                                                                         
                                                                           
 Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.                   
                                                                         
 We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves. 

 
 Away in a Manger.                                                       
 Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed                                                                                                                   
                                                                           
 That's enough ..... quick .... call the Social Services.
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.