Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 381416 times)

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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #675 on: May 18, 2011, 02:01:18 AM »
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #676 on: May 18, 2011, 06:25:09 AM »
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

lol: lol: lol:
I mostly despair

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #677 on: May 21, 2011, 12:33:27 PM »
The difference between men & women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #678 on: May 21, 2011, 12:42:36 PM »
Pro Skub  Thumbs:

Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #679 on: May 22, 2011, 09:26:20 AM »
A woman gets pulled over for speeding;

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #680 on: May 22, 2011, 10:29:23 AM »
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #681 on: May 22, 2011, 10:30:42 AM »
 tunble:

Warning: May contain Skub
Cat sitter extraordinaire
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Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #682 on: May 22, 2011, 10:30:59 AM »
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%&^ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!

THE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #683 on: May 22, 2011, 10:35:24 AM »
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is 'Celebrate.' Celebrate!'" says the old monk.



Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #684 on: May 22, 2011, 10:41:44 AM »

.
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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #685 on: May 22, 2011, 03:02:22 PM »
Play him off keyboard cat...  noooo:
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #686 on: May 22, 2011, 04:00:40 PM »
Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!


super injunction ...... point:

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #687 on: May 22, 2011, 04:19:22 PM »
Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!


super injunction ...... point:


happy001
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Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #688 on: May 23, 2011, 09:16:09 AM »
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.

Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #689 on: May 23, 2011, 09:17:08 AM »
 happy088
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