Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 387211 times)

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Online apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #525 on: March 25, 2011, 01:24:07 PM »
On the census form....there was a question that asked if I had any dependents..........




Apparently, 'Millions of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, Single Mums, Romanians, Loafers, Smack Heads, and Non-British speaking people' Wasn't the right answer...........

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #526 on: March 25, 2011, 01:49:13 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Online apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #527 on: March 27, 2011, 11:23:55 AM »
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cunt in that book."

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #528 on: March 27, 2011, 03:39:07 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #529 on: March 27, 2011, 11:23:08 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #530 on: March 28, 2011, 01:52:59 PM »
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?".

The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."


 ;D

Online Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #531 on: March 28, 2011, 01:53:51 PM »
 happy001 happy001
Warning: May contain Skub
Cat sitter extraordinaire
Semi-professional crocodile

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #532 on: March 28, 2011, 01:56:46 PM »
The Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Not many people know that..

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #533 on: March 28, 2011, 02:01:59 PM »
The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death.  ;D

Online apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #534 on: March 28, 2011, 02:02:57 PM »
The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death.  ;D

 lol: lol: lol:

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #535 on: March 28, 2011, 02:05:01 PM »
There was a break-in at the Dublin circus hall of mirrors recently.

So far, Irish police have arrested 15 midgets, a 7ft anorexic woman and Rowan Atkinson.

_________________________

A woman goes into a record shop and says "do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?
The young lad in the shop says "no but i've got Dangly Balls on a 9 inch"
The woman says "that's not a record is it?"
Lad says "Its not bad for a 16 year old"

_________________________


I bought the Mother-in-law a pair of crutchless knickers for Christmas.
Nothing sexual, just gives her better grip on the broomstick!

_________________________


I went to a charity darts match last night, Heather Mills v Jake The Peg.
Heather lost by three legs to one.

________________________

A bloke gets arrested for beating up his wife. The judge asks him "why do you keep beating her?" The bloke responds "I think its down to my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."


____________________________

Guy meets a fat girl at a disco.
He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat.
He’s not too sure ‘cause she is a bit on the large side but he thinks what the hell.
Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business.
He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.
She gets all uptight.

‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to sleep with me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.
‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse’

__________________________________

Just got a Jehovahs Witness advent calendar. Every door I open someone tells me to f off!

___________________________________

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

____________________________________

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?

....one more,

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Online Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #536 on: March 28, 2011, 02:06:33 PM »
 surrender:
Warning: May contain Skub
Cat sitter extraordinaire
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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #537 on: March 28, 2011, 03:19:44 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #538 on: March 28, 2011, 04:13:02 PM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #539 on: March 31, 2011, 10:04:15 PM »
I Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".   
Turns out it's about golf. 
Absolute waste of money.
 
Pass this on so others don't get scammed
 
Best Regards,
 
Charlie Sheen