Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 386236 times)

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Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #90 on: September 23, 2010, 04:29:26 AM »
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."


 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #91 on: September 23, 2010, 09:18:40 AM »
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to  him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

 
"Here it comes."


 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #92 on: September 24, 2010, 09:47:21 PM »
Things you never hear a traffic police officer say

•"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
•"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
•"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
•"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
•"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind awfully,
if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
•"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
•"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
•"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
•"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
•"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."




A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial - it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



Remember

- There are three types of people, those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those that wondered what happened!

- If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty!!



Cut-Backs
I see MI5 got in on the act today, sharing with us the fact that they are actively investigating simply gazillions of terrorist cells plotting to murder each and every one of us in our beds. And if their budget is cut by so much as a tenner next year, we will all die.



James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Online Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #93 on: October 06, 2010, 03:42:13 PM »
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.   

 
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #94 on: October 06, 2010, 05:55:38 PM »
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonnareah. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonnareah."

The widow replied, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."



A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."



My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.


Guy pulled over today and asked me how'd I get to ASDA!! I was honest and said "my mum takes me" and walked off.


My wife insisted we put a mobile up above the baby's cot. What a waste of money. He can't lift his head let alone text.
 

NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again' He's clearly not very good
 

Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken


I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98


A man was accused of pushing a rival through a combine harvester. Police didn't have a shred of evidence.


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?


If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.


Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.


A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #95 on: October 06, 2010, 06:07:28 PM »
Quote
My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.

happy001
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #96 on: October 07, 2010, 03:22:01 AM »
Let's Just Offend Everyone....but be politically correct!!!



I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'.   I told him, 'I wish I had your  will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.   


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '   


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'. 


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'   



I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

And the best one ...

 I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #97 on: October 07, 2010, 03:28:49 AM »
Nancy Reagan and justice

 

We could all learn so much from Nancy Reagan, an elegant and gracious

lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young

man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely

obsessed with movie star, Jodie Foster. In his twisted mind, he loved

Jodie to the point that he was willing to assassinate President Reagan in

order to make himself well known to her.

 

There is speculation  Hinckley  may soon be released, as it is believed

that he has now been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the

following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:





To:         Mr. John Hinckley

From:    Mrs. Nancy Reagan

 

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we

are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our

country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know

that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We're fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to

such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a

complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a

healthy and productive man.

 

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

 

P.S.    While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging

Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. You might want to look

into that.

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #98 on: October 07, 2010, 05:25:14 AM »
Quote
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

happy001

Well done baldy, you just need an avatart now....  whistle:

Inj fact, get an avatart or I'll make a temporary one for you...  eveilgrin:
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Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #99 on: October 07, 2010, 10:36:40 AM »
Too slow...  eveilgrin:
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Offline Pastis

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #100 on: October 07, 2010, 05:36:33 PM »
 rubschin: rubschin:

Quote
After the last annual calculation of your fiscal activity, we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax rebate of 431.10 GBP
Please submit the attached Tax Rebate Form and allow us 5-7 days in order to process it.

Note : You will need to provide a valid credit/debit card where refunds will be made.
A refund can be delayed for some reasons, for example submitting invalid records or applying after deadline.

Best Regards,
HM Revenue & Customs

Almost the same as a certain loyalty bonus cited elsewhere   ;D
Like the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor...
"Make me one with everything"

Online Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #101 on: October 07, 2010, 05:39:20 PM »
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.
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Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #102 on: October 07, 2010, 06:22:11 PM »
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

 eeek:
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Offline Pastis

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #103 on: October 07, 2010, 06:24:54 PM »
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

 eeek:

 eeek: eeek:
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"Make me one with everything"

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #104 on: October 07, 2010, 06:48:27 PM »
There are a number of tightrope walkers out today. Must be a convention  rubschin:
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