Fresh from the Inbox

[Darwins Selection]

 

[Steve]

 

[Steve]

Wish me luck in the London Marathon on Sunday. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try and beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.

[Steve]

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

[Barman]

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

 

[Steve]

Paddy takes his new Wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies spreadeagled on the bed and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah", says Paddy, "the whole fecking bed by the looks of it."

[Barman]

Paddy takes his new Wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies spreadeagled on the bed and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah", says Paddy, "the whole fecking bed by the looks of it."

 

[Steve]

I was on the phone telling my Brother the Wife has crashed my new Jaguar.
"Oh no", he says, "is she hurt."
"Not yet," I replied, "she locked herself in the bathroom."

[Barman]

I was on the phone telling my Brother the Wife has crashed my new Jaguar.
"Oh no", he says, "is she hurt."
"Not yet," I replied, "she locked herself in the bathroom."

 

[Steve]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[apc2010]

"Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????


Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages".........

[Barman]

"Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????


Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages".........

 

'Neighbour'....

[Steve]

"Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????


Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages".........

 

[Steve]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...
"Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make.  ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

[Barman]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...
"Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make.  ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."