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Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 373915 times)

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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4965 on: April 06, 2019, 04:54:52 PM »



 eveilgrin:

Not sure I could eat a whole one...  rubschin:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4966 on: April 06, 2019, 05:42:36 PM »



 eveilgrin:

Not sure I could eat a whole one...  rubschin:
I expect they'd do 'doggie' bags
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4967 on: April 07, 2019, 06:35:24 AM »
Affs  cussing: cussing:
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Offline Nick

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Offline Barman

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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4971 on: April 07, 2019, 05:55:22 PM »
Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden." 
Well, whatever nevermind

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Offline miss Tchevious

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4973 on: April 07, 2019, 07:20:56 PM »
Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

 lol: lol: lol:

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4974 on: April 08, 2019, 05:41:19 AM »
Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4975 on: April 08, 2019, 01:55:43 PM »
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nationís capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Theresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Theresa commented to Jeremy, "I donít know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Jeremy agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priestís room, the priest took Theresaís hand in his right hand and the Jeremy's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priestís face.
The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Theresa.
"Amen," said Jeremy.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same...."
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4976 on: April 08, 2019, 04:41:54 PM »
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nationís capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Theresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Theresa commented to Jeremy, "I donít know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Jeremy agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priestís room, the priest took Theresaís hand in his right hand and the Jeremy's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priestís face.
The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Theresa.
"Amen," said Jeremy.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same...."

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4977 on: April 10, 2019, 03:42:35 PM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4978 on: April 10, 2019, 04:56:14 PM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4979 on: April 10, 2019, 09:15:09 PM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

 ;D ;D ;D