Hat, coat...

[Nick]

She's gone bonkers 

[Miss Demeanour]

This from you 

[Barman]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the lobster Princess were deeply in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

'We can't see each other any more,' she sobbed. 'Daddy says that crabs are the lowest class of crustacean, and no daughter of his is marrying someone who can only walk sideways.'

Declan was gutted and scuttled away to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the Great Lobster Ball was taking place and lobsters came from far and wide in the seas, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The lobsters stopped their dancing, the princess gasped and the King lobster rose from his throne as, slowly and painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor, walking forwards for all to see! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly silence until, finally, Declan spoke...

'Fuck me, I'm pissed!'

[Miss Demeanour]

 

[Darwins Selection]

David Niven. 

[Just One More]

The Mayor of the town goes to the top restaurant called Gervais's. As he's the top man the head chef, Gervais personally asks him what he wants to eat.

He decides, after much deliberation, on the dish of the day, which is Squid. Gervais takes him to the aquarium to choose a squid, he spots one, which by strange coincidence has a small moustache just like his own.

So... Gervais takes the squid to the kitchen, puts it on the board and takes out his largest knife to kill it, he raises his hand and as he goes to kill it hears a very quiet "eeeek", he looks around... nothing, so he raises his arm, goes to kill it and again hears a quiet "eeeek" .. looking down he sees the squid and it again goes "eeek".

He then finds he can't bring himself to kill the squid. So he looks across the kitchen and sees Hans, the dishwasher. "Hans! Come over here and kill this squid for me so I can prepare a dish for the Mayor". Hans is bored with his dishwashing job and thinks to himself that if he can do this job properly he can make it as a chef, I really need to prove myself by doing a job properly. So he raises his arm, knife in hand and goes to kill the squid.

"Eeeek" he hears, strange he thinks... and looks around... nothing.. so he goes to kill the squid and again... a quiet "eeeek". He looks down and sees the squid and it again goes... "eeeek" . Hans is troubled.. he wants to prove himself but is obviously having troubles, he raises his arm again brings knife down and just before he does the squid quietly goes "eeeeek".

Hans realises that he doesn't have the heart to kill the squid and the Mayor misses out on his cordon bleu meal.

The Moral of this story?
For Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with mild scream hairy lip squid...

[Miss Demeanour]

 

[Miss Demeanour]

Did you know that there are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in Hungary?
They have Buddha Pests instead!!


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
As this great man would pass, people would bow down in worship. One day a small boy asked his father how the Mahatma's legacy would read. His father smiled and spoke,
"A super callused fragile mystic especially with halitosis"

     

[Barman]

 

[Miss Demeanour]

Didn't like those..... how  about this

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.

In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, 'Why Timothy?'

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 'We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ' Pope Secola'.

[Barman]

I hope you didn't waste five minutes of your life typing that... 

[Nick]

No, twenty minutes. SHe only uses 2 fingers 

[Miss Demeanour]

No, twenty minutes. SHe only uses 2 fingers 

Turn the webcam off Nick - it really isn't good for you 

[grumpyoldsoldier]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store..

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this ..... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'   

Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff, I receive it from a warped friend and then send it on to you.

[Snoopy]

You are doing a fine job ~ keep it up. That is only the fourth time I have read that tale this week.