The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on May 12, 2009, 10:00:13 AM
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There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat.
So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Bastardo! You owe me a keyboard! lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
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[groan emoticon] lol: lol: lol:
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Bastardo! You owe me a keyboard! lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Sorry Snoops. ;D
I have a selection of keyboards, ( whistle:), what colour?
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That's bad noooo: noooo: noooo:
But while we're doing bad whistle:
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
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noooo:
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A small brotherhood of friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Shame on you... noooo:
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It's Friday afternoon ... come on ..I'm allowed a few before I start on the collapso aren't I lol:
and there's more...
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were great friends even though Larry was an upstanding, righteous, law abiding lobster and Sam was a bad clam. One day both are killed in a horrible accident; naturally Larry goes to heaven and Sam to hell.
Upon arriving in heaven and after getting suited up, Larry is told by St Peter that because he was such a good lobster, he could for one day have anything he wanted. Larry thinks about it and answers that he misses his friend Sam and would like to see him again. "Whatever", says Pete and next thing Larry knows he's in hell standing outside of Sam Clam's Disco.
The two spend the day together, then Larry goes back to heaven. At the gate Pete says, "Larry, didn't you forget something?" Larry goes, "Oh my gosh, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Black and says, "Miss Black, I'd like to get a £100,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £100,000 and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
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noooo:
May I remind you that this is the Comedy Room...?
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Ohhhhhh - sorry Sir whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fusers.telenet.be%2Fnathan%2Fposts%2Fdrawings%2Fdothebarman.jpg&hash=414dcee334dcdbdafea50ef9027de7e2)
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eeek:
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eeek: eeek: eeek:
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eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
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She's gone bonkers noooo:
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This from you lol: lol: lol:
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Declan the humble crab and Kate the lobster Princess were deeply in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
'We can't see each other any more,' she sobbed. 'Daddy says that crabs are the lowest class of crustacean, and no daughter of his is marrying someone who can only walk sideways.'
Declan was gutted and scuttled away to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the Great Lobster Ball was taking place and lobsters came from far and wide in the seas, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly, the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The lobsters stopped their dancing, the princess gasped and the King lobster rose from his throne as, slowly and painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor, walking forwards for all to see! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly silence until, finally, Declan spoke...
'Fuck me, I'm pissed!'
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lol: lol: lol:
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David Niven. cloud9:
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The Mayor of the town goes to the top restaurant called Gervais's. As he's the top man the head chef, Gervais personally asks him what he wants to eat.
He decides, after much deliberation, on the dish of the day, which is Squid. Gervais takes him to the aquarium to choose a squid, he spots one, which by strange coincidence has a small moustache just like his own.
So... Gervais takes the squid to the kitchen, puts it on the board and takes out his largest knife to kill it, he raises his hand and as he goes to kill it hears a very quiet "eeeek", he looks around... nothing, so he raises his arm, goes to kill it and again hears a quiet "eeeek" .. looking down he sees the squid and it again goes "eeek".
He then finds he can't bring himself to kill the squid. So he looks across the kitchen and sees Hans, the dishwasher. "Hans! Come over here and kill this squid for me so I can prepare a dish for the Mayor". Hans is bored with his dishwashing job and thinks to himself that if he can do this job properly he can make it as a chef, I really need to prove myself by doing a job properly. So he raises his arm, knife in hand and goes to kill the squid.
"Eeeek" he hears, strange he thinks... and looks around... nothing.. so he goes to kill the squid and again... a quiet "eeeek". He looks down and sees the squid and it again goes... "eeeek" . Hans is troubled.. he wants to prove himself but is obviously having troubles, he raises his arm again brings knife down and just before he does the squid quietly goes "eeeeek".
Hans realises that he doesn't have the heart to kill the squid and the Mayor misses out on his cordon bleu meal.
The Moral of this story?
For Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with mild scream hairy lip squid...
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worthy:
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Did you know that there are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in Hungary?
They have Buddha Pests instead!!
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
As this great man would pass, people would bow down in worship. One day a small boy asked his father how the Mahatma's legacy would read. His father smiled and spoke,
"A super callused fragile mystic especially with halitosis"
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noooo:
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Didn't like those..... how about this
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, 'Why Timothy?'
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 'We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ' Pope Secola'.
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I hope you didn't waste five minutes of your life typing that... noooo:
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No, twenty minutes. SHe only uses 2 fingers noooo:
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No, twenty minutes. SHe only uses 2 fingers noooo:
Turn the webcam off Nick - it really isn't good for you lol:
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Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store..
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ..... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff, I receive it from a warped friend and then send it on to you.
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You are doing a fine job ~ keep it up. That is only the fourth time I have read that tale this week. ::)
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That may be so young Sir, but I had to translate it from the original Brumminjun into classical English before postng.
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
See also...
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=3156.msg115378#msg115378
whistle:
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It wasn't funny then either.
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Have we had this one?
Far far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the
other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that inhabited the area.
Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't
see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides
to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.. You're now a shark,
the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.........."
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>"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Faarondelay.com%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F08%2Fgood_grief.gif&hash=cee7b04a9320ef3debef131e4c6d9fe3)
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Have we had this one?
In future, I suggest that you assume the answer to this question is "Yes" and save your no doubt aching wrists.
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Have we had this one?
In future, I suggest that you assume the answer to this question is "Yes" and save your no doubt aching wrists.
My wrist isn't aching, the second sample isn't due until Wednesday ;)
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Have we had this one?
In future, I suggest that you assume the answer to this question is "Yes" and save your no doubt aching wrists.
My wrist isn't aching, the second sample isn't due until Wednesday ;)
No doubt you will be "dictating" not typing for that anyway?
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Have we had this one?
In future, I suggest that you assume the answer to this question is "Yes" and save your no doubt aching wrists.
My wrist isn't aching, the second sample isn't due until Wednesday ;)
Good God Man! ~ That's wimmin's work.
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We prefer to call them chores evil:
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We prefer to call them chores evil:
Whatever ~ they seem guaranteed to cause a sudden headache ::)
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Constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his
wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was ?5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single ?1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the ?1 as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..
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'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for ?1.00 AT TESCO!'
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See Also: -
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6116.0
whistle:
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redface: I haven't got time to read through all this shite
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redface: I haven't got time to read through all this shite
I have, but I forget most of it within the hour
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redface: I haven't got time to read through all this shite
Nor me... redface:
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A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,? St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is How many seconds are there in a year? The third is What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered heaven
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drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
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Groan! lol:
I've just discovered that I can have sex at 50! cloud9:
It is great as I live at number 44 and it isn't far to walk home afters...
Hat >> Coat >> Slam
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The power of Alcohol:
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild... The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
'He should've quit while he was a head.
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Snoopysick:
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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing a little reassurance, he asks, How am I doing?
The prostitute replies, Well, old Timer, youre doing about three knots.
Three knots? he asks. Whats that supposed to mean?
She says, You're knot hard, youre knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
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The power of Alcohol:
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild... The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
'He should've quit while he was a head.
I thought it was going to be the one about the baby born without a torso...
At Christmas he opened his present and said "not another fucking hat!"
Hat coat door! Geddit? I used HAT again! lol: lol: lol:
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Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have
to wait until next pay day"
The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with
you'
I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy
says 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you
tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'
The best for last:
Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his
wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'
-
My mate named his kid OXO ..
I told him he's gonna be the laughing stock of the school....
-
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
-
sick2:
-
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(C) Dave Allen - 1973 lol: lol: lol:
-
What did the cowboy say to the German car dealer ?????
Audi
-
drumroll:
-
So,there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracadabra! You're green."
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his tackle, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."
To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that. The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off." She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown." The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!
She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."
redface:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
That is a five lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: groan
-
?Shakespeare walks into a pub?
?The landlord shouts, You?re Barred! (Bard)?
-
noooo:
-
?Shakespeare walks into a pub?
?The landlord shouts, You?re Barred! (Bard)?
noooo: Rule #1. Never print the explanation (unless you wear a bucket)
A dusky ethnic minority walks into a hotel and says "Is there a bar in here?".
The receptionist says "Yes, f*** off "
-
?Shakespeare walks into a pub?
?The landlord shouts, You?re Barred! (Bard)?
noooo: Rule #1. Never print the explanation (unless you wear a bucket)
A dusky ethnic minority walks into a hotel and says "Is there a bar in here?".
The receptionist says "Yes, f*** off "
drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
-
I was in the restaurant when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
-
I was in the restaurant when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
lol: lol: lol:
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
lol: lol: lol:
I take it you prefer hard-boiled?
-
Either that or she has the attention span of a goldfish. whistle:
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
See also http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2869.0 whistle:
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
See also http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2869.0 whistle:
All hail the son of Affs. worthy:
-
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
See also http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2869.0 whistle:
Like I said
Either that or she has the attention span of a goldfish. whistle:
-
So hang me for not reading or remembering everything that has been posted on here...or flush me down the toilet whichever is easier
-
So hang me for not reading or remembering everything that has been posted on here...or flush me down the toilet whichever is easier
We always found a drop of whisky in the tank perked them up. Not malt obviously.
-
Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital with 6 toy horses lodged in his bottom. Doctors have described that he has the trots but his condition is stable.
-
Oh dear, oh dear... noooo:
-
Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital with 6 toy horses lodged in his bottom. Doctors have described that he has the trots but his condition is stable.
Serves him right for foaling around ....
-
Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital with 6 toy horses lodged in his bottom. Doctors have described that he has the trots but his condition is stable.
Serves him right for foaling around ....
doh:
-
Sorry BM, a big boy made me do it! lol:
-
I asked Mrs G tonight what she would do if I won the lottery.
She said she'd take half and leave me.
Gave her a fiver and sent her packin'. cloud9:
-
I asked Mrs G tonight what she would do if I won the lottery.
She said she'd take half and leave me.
Gave her a fiver and sent her packin'. cloud9:
happy001
-
I asked Mrs G tonight what she would do if I won the lottery.
She said she'd take half and leave me.
Gave her a fiver and sent her packin'. cloud9:
drumroll:
lol: lol:
-
Elton John goes to a tattoo parlour and asks for a Rolls Royce to be tattooed onto his cock.
The tattooist says: "Surely a Land Rover would be better to get you out of the s***".
-
I tried to tell Raoul MOat about gun safety, but it just went in one ear and out the other. noooo:
-
I see that in the process of transferring data from one old laptop to one new laptop you have also migrated your sticky caps lock key. point:
-
I tried to tell Raoul MOat about gun safety, but it just went in one ear and out the other. noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
My solicitor told me that redface:
-
My solicitor told me that redface:
That joke cost you about twenty-five quid then! point:
-
My solicitor told me that redface:
That joke cost you about twenty-five quid then! point:
plus VAT ;)
-
My solicitor told me that redface:
That joke cost you about twenty-five quid then! point:
plus VAT ;)
At the new rate! lol: lol: lol:
-
...and if he finds out you've published it in 'ere, he'll see you in court.
-
I gave him your name angel1
-
...and if he finds out you've published it in 'ere, he'll see you in court.
happy001
-
Lesbian goes to the doctor for a smear test.
“ My god “, he exclaims, “ that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen “
“ Thank you “ replies she, “ I have a woman in twice a week ”
-
Apple have scrapped plans for their childrens iPad .....apparently ..iTouch kids is not a good marketing slogan....
-
Lesbian goes to the doctor for a smear test.
“ My god “, he exclaims, “ that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen “
“ Thank you “ replies she, “ I have a woman in twice a week ”
drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
-
Man walks into WH Smith and says " Do you have that new self help book for men with really small dicks?"
Shop assistant gerl kindly says " I don't think it's in yet love"
" Yeah that's the one " he replies
-
noooo:
-
Just bought a dog from one of the few remaining blacksmiths in the area.
As soon as I got him home though he made a bolt for the door
-
Just bought a dog from one of the few remaining blacksmiths in the area.
As soon as I got him home though he made a bolt for the door
drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
-
I had a German plumber round yesterday - he connected the gas to the shower head. Old habits die hard, eh...
-
I had a German plumber round yesterday - he connected the gas to the shower head. Old habits die hard, eh...
lol: lol: lol:
-
A blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4" x 2" just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
-
drumroll:
-
Oh dear oh dear... noooo:
-
A blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4" x 2" just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
lol: lol: lol:
(c) Chippenham College Of Agriculture rag magazine, 1964
-
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
Sometimes one of these e-mail 'funnies' strikes a chord.
-
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
Sometimes one of these e-mail 'funnies' strikes a chord.
Well, if we all had our ears tagged...
-
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
-
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!" redface:
-
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!" redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
-
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away..
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so
many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!'
The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, the door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, The Wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'
-
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,
"You have to use the politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"
-
drumroll:
-
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and passed wind whenever he wanted.
The end
-
A tall muscular man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugby player. They start to talk, share a few drinks and eventualy go back to her place and start to kiss, soon she takes off his shirt. He's got REEBOK tatooed on his arm. "Whats that for?" she asks.
"Thats for when I'm on TV, when people see it, Reebok pay me". He takes off his trousers and she sees he has NIKE tatooed on his leg. "What's that for? she asks
"Same as Reebok, I get paid when people see it on TV" he says. As she drops to her knees she sees he has AIDS tatooed on his penis, "oh my god, don't tell me you've got aids" she screams
"No, calm down lady, if you suck on it a bit, it says ADIDAS
-
A tall muscular man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugby player. They start to talk, share a few drinks and eventualy go back to her place and start to kiss, soon she takes off his shirt. He's got REEBOK tatooed on his arm. "Whats that for?" she asks.
"Thats for when I'm on TV, when people see it, Reebok pay me". He takes off his trousers and she sees he has NIKE tatooed on his leg. "What's that for? she asks
"Same as Reebok, I get paid when people see it on TV" he says. As she drops to her knees she sees he has AIDS tatooed on his penis, "oh my god, don't tell me you've got aids" she screams
"No, calm down lady, if you suck on it a bit, it says ADIDAS
See also, nurses, Susan and Saskatchewan... lol:
-
Judy married Ted; they had 13 children.
Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again,
,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
-
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
-
Shrugs:
-
Humour him Tipsy ..... It's one of his little pleasures
-
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'. The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40
-
lol:
or even Castrol 20W-50
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription
-
;D
-
The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie cock - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his cock grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."
''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
-
[groan] (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4342.msg87528#msg87528) ;)
-
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
-
[groan] (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2946.msg58083#msg58083) ;)
-
I knew all that slapping my forehead would cause damage redface:
-
I knew all that slapping my forehead would cause damage redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
Try pulling yer wars like... ;)
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
Try pulling yer wars like... ;)
Me wars? whacky115
Q W E R T Y ..... Ah I see what you did point:
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
Try pulling yer wars like... ;)
Me wars? whacky115
Q W E R T Y ..... Ah I see what you did point:
doh:
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
Try pulling yer wars like... ;)
Me wars? whacky115
Q W E R T Y ..... Ah I see what you did point:
doh:
I told you ..... it won't werk!
-
doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh: doh:
Nope ~ That doesn't work either redface:
Try pulling yer wars like... ;)
Me wars? whacky115
Q W E R T Y ..... Ah I see what you did point:
doh:
I told you ..... it won't werk!
redface:
-
Didn't Eric Morecombe used the slap the back of his neck? rubschin:
-
Didn't Eric Morecombe used the slap the back of his neck? rubschin:
"used the slap"?
Explain that with keyboard layout. whistle:
-
lol: lol: lol:
He maybe be germified but he is still as sharp as my axe whistle:
-
Didn't Eric Morecombe used the slap the back of his neck? rubschin:
"used the slap"?
Explain that with keyboard layout. whistle:
I cannot explain it with the keyboard layout ~ I can only say sorry but the phone rang as I typed, I answered it and pressed "send" on the keyboard without checking. Sorry I am not immortal, all seeing or actually a particularly good typist. redface:
Obviously it should have read "use to slap"
Ruination of a good quip Banghead
Spiked thigh cilice tightened by one notch in self punishment.
-
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up sleepily. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"OK then Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"
"You're in the team for Saturday."
-
;D
-
lol: lol:
-
From my part time work with the ambulance service, working with the out of hours GP, I can safely say that 99% of 90 year olds would jump at the chance to be in the team on Saturday... ;D...I know I would if I got to that age and had to sit there dribbling (pun) and smelling of pee, etc... it truly is an eye opener, these people have no dignity left... I hope I die before I get too old...
-
It could be arranged .......... For a small fee eveilgrin:
-
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians ?
A licker cabinet
What do you call lesbians in a field full of vibrators ?
Squatters
-
Thank you .... Please leave your number with the stage manager in case we need to call you. ::)
-
What do you call a woman with two c**ts?
Jon and Edwards' Mum!
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F_tLPpH-a_EEE%2FSZQ3DifQahI%2FAAAAAAAADg8%2F0JUUXxdPJOs%2Fs320%2F_566045_good_grief.gif&hash=c1de7716c0c8d9b05810032bf0ef09f5)
-
What do you call a woman with two c**ts?
Jon and Edwards' Mum!
;D
-
Recent surveys shows 3 out 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
-
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant, "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"..
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor..
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
-
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant, "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"..
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor..
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
Yes, they like that! eyes:
Oh, I see... redface:
-
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!"
"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?"
"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!
-
;D
-
Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, Man," The biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then you, you arse-hole, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
-
lol:
-
I hear that the people of Afghanistan don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
redface:
-
I had a series of accidents when I was in local amateur dramatics - I kept falling through the trapdoor - my doctor said it was just a stage I was going through...
-
I had a series of accidents when I was in local amateur dramatics - I kept falling through the trapdoor - my doctor said it was just a stage I was going through...
drumroll:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F_EhRt4AvJLd4%2FTQO68hYJoqI%2FAAAAAAAABL0%2FOaM0tLaOUEk%2Fs1600%2Fgovernment.bmp&hash=fc9dc34f0be2ee616e0c8a78a09497b9)
Seen at Dick's place (http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/) who saw it at Davy's Place (http://theuklibertarian.com/2010/12/11/how-government-works/) who saw it in Viz.
-
A woman's dead body has been discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes.
The police say she probably saw her her killer coming
-
A woman's dead body has been discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes.
The police say she probably saw her her killer coming
[groan] noooo:
-
Snow White took a roll of film into the chemists to get it developed
She asked for their 24 hour service and next day went back to collect the snaps.
"Sorry but they're not back yet" said the assistant
So Snow White went back the following day but it was the same story. This went on for a week until Snow White demanded to see the manager. She explained her complaint and demanded he do something.
The next day she returned to the shop where the manager told her that he had spoken to the laboratory they used to develop films and they had promised to look into the matter. Snow White got very annoyed at this and the manager tried to soothe her.
Finally he promised
...................................................
............................................................................
.................................................................................................
"Snow White we won't let you down. I personally guarantee that ........... .........................
........................................ Some day your prints will come".
-
Oh Snooopy! noooo:
-
razz:
-
My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker........
Well she is not actually my girlfriend yet.
-
My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker........
Well she is not actually my girlfriend yet.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..
-
I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..
Ball or aerosol?
-
The way I read it he means arsehole, not aerosol...
-
The way I read it he means arsehole, not aerosol...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY)
-
The way I read it he means arsehole, not aerosol...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY)
;D
-
Due to limited server space on Facebook, they have decided to upgrade and move all Niggers, Indians, Muslims + Paki's to their own affiliated site...
Jungle Book will be launched on 1st February 2011.
redface:
-
noooo: noooo: noooo:
-
nonono: nonono:
happy001 happy001
-
A man walked into a Chemists and asked to talk to the male pharmacist. The elderly woman behind the counter said that she was the only qualified person there, as her chemist husband had died, and so she and her widowed sister now owned the Shop. There were no other males employed there, but she still asked whether she could help the gentleman.
He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist, but she assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and said, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The Lady Chemist said, "Just a minute, I'll go and talk with my sister."
When she returned some minutes later, she said "We've discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is.........1/3 Ownership of the
Shop, a Company Car, and £1,500 a month plus Expenses!"
-
An old 'un I'd forgotten about
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
An old 'un I'd forgotten about
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
(C) Dave Allen 1977 ;)
-
and he probably stole it from Max Miller.
-
and he probably stole it from Max Miller.
lol: lol: lol:
-
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"
-
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"
happy001 happy001
-
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"
lol: lol: lol:
-
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
redface:
-
noooo: noooo: noooo:
-
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
redface:
happy001
Took me a while... redface:
-
Well known phenomena ...delayed collapso reaction whistle:
-
Well known phenomena ...delayed collapso reaction whistle:
Collapso + brandy + beer... noooo:
-
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
redface:
drumroll:
-
Excellent cloud9:
-
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
-
Or Nick asking for meat in a florists rubschin:
-
redface:
-
Or Nick asking for meat in a florists rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk. Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head. redface:
-
DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk. Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Thought I'd try that new Indian Restaurant in town. I was feeling a little adventurous so I went for the Pelican curry....
It was actually pretty good but the bill was fucking enormous............
-
Thought I'd try that new Indian Restaurant in town. I was feeling a little adventurous so I went for the Pelican curry....
It was actually pretty good but the bill was fucking enormous............
[groan] noooo:
-
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
-
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Oh noes! doh:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F95yq8e4k%2FAJOKE.jpg&hash=d4bffa4a49f25813fd7c068f3c68870b) (http://postimage.org/image/95yq8e4k/) angel1
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F95yq8e4k%2FAJOKE.jpg&hash=d4bffa4a49f25813fd7c068f3c68870b) (http://postimage.org/image/95yq8e4k/) angel1
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F95yq8e4k%2FAJOKE.jpg&hash=d4bffa4a49f25813fd7c068f3c68870b) (http://postimage.org/image/95yq8e4k/) angel1
lol: lol: lol: lol:
<groan>
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F95yq8e4k%2FAJOKE.jpg&hash=d4bffa4a49f25813fd7c068f3c68870b) (http://postimage.org/image/95yq8e4k/) angel1
I showed it to Minor ..... Instantly he said "That MUST be from Uncle Nick" lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F95yq8e4k%2FAJOKE.jpg&hash=d4bffa4a49f25813fd7c068f3c68870b) (http://postimage.org/image/95yq8e4k/) angel1
I showed it to Minor ..... Instantly he said "That MUST be from Uncle Nick" lol:
lol: lol: lol:
-
rubschin:
-
rubschin:
He holds you in very high regard.
-
shocked003
-
A woman arrived at a party and she spotted an attractive man alone.She smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?""No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
-
A woman arrived at a party and she spotted an attractive man alone.She smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?""No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Andrew Dice Clay used to do a line like that ... "pulling dis chick and she complains she only likes country music, and she's Jewish ... eventually she asks me my name ... I says hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein ... "
-
My wife kept breaking the washing machine so I divorced her . It's right what they say, washing machines live longer with cow gone !!!
-
tunble:
-
tunble: tunble:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-score001.gif&hash=ea5ea135c6ce3a80795a7081910587b2) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
-
My wife kept breaking the washing machine so I divorced her . It's right what they say, washing machines live longer with cow gone !!!
Miss D, I know this is the hat, coat door thread, but ... noooo:
-
But what ....offer up something better or button it
-
By better, I assume you mean worse, let's see how bad we can get ...
Did you hear about the new social website for Muslim women? It’s called Book.
-
lol:
-
That's it!
I've had enough of betting!
Yesterday, I bet on 3 horses, and they all got beat
Sunshine
Moonlight
Good Times
I blame it on the bookie
-
Remember alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive
-
Peter Beardsley is the latest star to be linked with a super injunction. Apparently the bird he had an affair with doesn't want to be named.
-
A guy had been working on the Dodgem Cars all his life when a new boss started. He sacked him in the 1st week.
The guy is now taking him to court for funfair dismissal
-
tunble:
-
Look you won't have to put up with any of these next week ...think of the peace and quiet lol:
-
A guy had been working on the Dodgem Cars all his life when a new boss started. He sacked him in the 1st week.
The guy is now taking him to court for funfair dismissal
happy001 happy002
-
A guy had been working on the Dodgem Cars all his life when a new boss started. He sacked him in the 1st week.
The guy is now taking him to court for funfair dismissal
happy001 happy002
noooo:
-
My hero cloud9:
-
sick2:
-
A guy had been working on the Dodgem Cars all his life when a new boss started. He sacked him in the 1st week.
The guy is now taking him to court for funfair dismissal
happy001 happy002
noooo:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-happy119.gif&hash=936f6674f898b093623b61be79849698) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
I thought it was very funny...
-
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
-
tunble:
-
"Doctor, doctor I can see nine years in to the future"
"yes, you've got 20 20 vision"
-
<Groan>
-
lol:
-
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?". The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".
4 Illegal immigrants suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bollocks to that", said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain
-
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?". The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".
4 Illegal immigrants suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bollocks to that", said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain
happy001
-
I bought a cod fillet, and found a strangely-shaped bone in it.
It did look out of plaice. redface:
-
You don't see many jokes about Bulimia these days. Makes me sick.
-
I bought a cod fillet, and found a strangely-shaped bone in it.
It did look out of plaice. redface:
Be very ashamed noooo: noooo: noooo:
-
I've just booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act, by a phone service
I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....
Alright, alright, I'm going redface:
-
I've just booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act, by a phone service
I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....
Alright, alright, I'm going redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
I've just booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act, by a phone service
I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....
Alright, alright, I'm going redface:
And so you should!
-
I've just booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act, by a phone service
I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....
Alright, alright, I'm going redface:
You can't spend too much time with JOM you say rubschin:
noooo: noooo: noooo:
-
A 91 year old woman has taken up belly dancing. Which is unusual because 91 year old's normally prefer hip op.
-
How does Stephen Hawking drink his tea?
"Pg Up". "Pg Dn"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
;D ;D ;D ;D
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2v7a5zmf8%2Ftheo5.jpg&hash=9a2de74c4d0802bc8c81c62235f8165c) (http://postimage.org/image/2v7a5zmf8/)
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
A 91 year old woman has taken up belly dancing. Which is unusual because 91 year old's normally prefer hip op.
[groan] noooo:
-
Wife has left me . She says she can no longer cope with my fetish for caressing pasta .
Right now I am feeling canneloni .
-
Wife has left me . She says she can no longer cope with my fetish for caressing pasta .
Right now I am feeling canneloni .
drumroll:
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2v7a5zmf8%2Ftheo5.jpg&hash=9a2de74c4d0802bc8c81c62235f8165c) (http://postimage.org/image/2v7a5zmf8/)
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2v7a5zmf8%2Ftheo5.jpg&hash=9a2de74c4d0802bc8c81c62235f8165c) (http://postimage.org/image/2v7a5zmf8/)
;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
How old is he...? rubschin:
-
69 whistle:
-
Now that's an accomplishment whistle:
-
angel1
-
Now that's an accomplishment whistle:
lol:
Wheely ?
-
You can tell she has not ridden a bike in years noooo:
-
Have you whistle:
-
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
-
AFFS! I said "The Affs!"
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=661.msg9841#msg9841 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=661.msg9841#msg9841)
-
Shrugs:
-
Shrugs:
point:
It was funnier when I posted it too! lol:
-
One of my mates fulfilled a lifelong dream and became a mime artist. I haven't heard from him since.
An old train spotter once said that if he could choose how he died it would be to be killed by train. Last week a steam train hit him. He was chuffed to bits.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
-
One of my mates fulfilled a lifelong dream and became a mime artist. I haven't heard from him since.
An old train spotter once said that if he could choose how he died it would be to be killed by train. Last week a steam train hit him. He was chuffed to bits.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
;D ;D
-
One of my mates fulfilled a lifelong dream and became a mime artist. I haven't heard from him since.
An old train spotter once said that if he could choose how he died it would be to be killed by train. Last week a steam train hit him. He was chuffed to bits.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
lol: lol: lol:
-
My dad just got fired from his job as a lollipop man for stealing.
I tried to ignore it but the signs were all there.
-
My dad just got fired from his job as a lollipop man for stealing.
I tried to ignore it but the signs were all there.
tunble:
-
I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts.
Well, more of a fromage phrase...........
-
I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts.
Well, more of a fromage phrase...........
;D
-
I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts.
Well, more of a fromage phrase...........
cheesy noooo:
-
I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts.
Well, more of a fromage phrase...........
cheesy noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
A man learns that his son was thrown out of school for letting one of the girls toss him off.
He confronts him and says “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You really want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
drumroll:
-
I had been holding off from telling my new girlfriend what I did for a living but after her persistent questioning, I gave in. "I make porn movies. I basically make films of me having sex and I sell them." I told her. She replied, "You know that turns me on. Is there any chance I can be in one of your movies?" I said," I'd love to but you've only got two legs."
A man goes to see the doctor and says "doc I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in winter" the doc replies "goodness me it sounds like you're Rhyl"
The chemist was telling me today about a new industrial strength viagra tablet that will availabe soon . I asked if I would be able to get it over the counter . He said I will be able to break the feckin counter .
I broke the worrld record for holding my breath under water . It all started at the local swimming baths when a girl shouted 'That's him over there daddy' .
A man goes into the chemist and asks for Viagra.
"Have you got a presciption?" asked the pharmacist
"No, but I've got a photo of the wife, will that do?"
Paddy goes to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones.
"Paddy" he says "you've got sugar diabetes"
Paddy says "No problem, when do I fight him"
-
Went to see my black mate the other day .........when I arrived .spray painted all over the front of the house was "Niggers out "'''''''''
a simple gone to the shops would have done.........
-
Went to see my black mate the other day .........when I arrived .spray painted all over the front of the house was "Niggers out "'''''''''
a simple gone to the shops would have done.........
happy002
noooo:
-
lol: lol: lol:
I thought this one was going to be: -
I had been holding off from telling my new girlfriend what I did for a living but after her persistent questioning, I gave in. "I make porn movies. I basically make films of me having sex and I sell them." I told her. She replied, "You know that turns me on. Is there any chance I can be in one of your movies?" I said,"One of them love? You've been in all of them!"
happy002
-
The wife went to a Meatloaf concert an bought some souvenir knickers. On the front it said "I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE" and on the back it said "BUT I WONT DO THAT" !!!
Just been to a friends funeral this morning. He died last week at Wimbledon when he got struck in the head by a tennis ball......it was a lovely service.
How is Kerry Katona going to provide for her kids now that the NOTW has shut down ?
With the ever rising prices in alcohol, I've taken to drinking brake fluid. I told this to a mate, and he was concerned about my welfare.
I told him it was nothing to worry about, as I could stop whenever I wanted to.
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I found a letter on my doorstep that had 'Do not bend' written on it and i thought how do i pick it up?
-
I found a letter on my doorstep that had 'Do not bend' written on it and i thought how do i pick it up?
doh:
-
My girlfriend said 'Have you been having sex behind my back?'
I said 'Who do you think it was?'
-
Ladies...if you get a burning sensation when you pee...it's either a UTI...or a bush fire...
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
My flatmate found me rooting through the back of her wardrobe last night .
"What are you doing ? " she asked.
" Narnia business" I replied
-
My flatmate found me rooting through the back of her wardrobe last night .
"What are you doing ? " she asked.
" Narnia business" I replied
tunble:
-
George Michael's writing his memoirs at the mo, and there's an entire chapter on his time in prison.
He mentions that, at night, he had to give hand relief to his fellow inmates, before making them a chocolaty drink.
He's now reworking an old Wham hit.......wank me off before your cocoa
The other day I went to see a hypnotist, he put me to sleep and convinced me I was a metallic element with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.
-
went to a bulimics disco yesterday.......the place was heaving
-
went to a bulimics disco yesterday.......the place was heaving
lol: lol: lol: or should that be sick2: sick2: sick2:?
-
George Michael's writing his memoirs at the mo, and there's an entire chapter on his time in prison.
He mentions that, at night, he had to give hand relief to his fellow inmates, before making them a chocolaty drink.
He's now reworking an old Wham hit.......wank me off before your cocoa
The other day I went to see a hypnotist, he put me to sleep and convinced me I was a metallic element with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Looked out my window this morning and saw a Paki get flattened by a lorry! I thought, that could have been me,...........
I can drive a lorry!
-
Looked out my window this morning and saw a Paki get flattened by a lorry! I thought, that could have been me,...........
I can drive a lorry!
lol: lol: lol:
-
My black neighbour phoned me up and said, "Excuse me, would it be OK if I borrow your lawnmower? Mine is broke."
I said, "Sure. Just swing by later and pick it up."
He said, "I'll just ask someone else, you racist c@nt."
-
BBC News: Rioters throw petrol bomb in Northern Ireland.
Christ, they must be loaded! That's like throwing potatoes during the famine.
-
It was the insect cup final (football/soccer) and the ants are playing the earwigs. The earwigs are losing 3-0 and its halftime. The team manager asks them in the dressing room what is going on and the team captain says that there is no communication between the players. So the manager has an idea – let’s put numbers on the shirts so we know who is who.
So they get some numbers from the kit man and put them on. All the players get their numbers but the number 10 hasn’t got a 1. So he goes out with a zero on his back.
Anyway, he plays an absolute blinder for the next 45 minutes, scores 4 goals without reply and the earwigs win! But the earwig with the zero isn’t happy – he’s scored 4 goals, won the match for his team but none of the crowd are singing his name. But the manager tells him to listen carefully and the crowd are chanting…............
“Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O!”
-
I went down to my local chippy last night and said "two cod and chips please mate!"
He stopped sanding down the door frame, turned to me and replied "This is the last time I'm going to tell you to FUCK OFF!"
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I like going into McDonalds and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken sandwich, just to see which one comes first.
-
I like going into McDonalds and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken sandwich, just to see which one comes first.
It'll be the one without glasses. redface:
(From a very old joke)
-
My mate asked me "what ring tone do you have?"
I replied "hmmm, I've never checked, but probably a light brown!"
-
My mate asked me "what ring tone do you have?"
I replied "hmmm, I've never checked, but probably a light brown!"
lol: lol: lol:
-
My mate asked me "what ring tone do you have?"
I replied "hmmm, I've never checked, but probably a light brown!"
happy001
-
My neighbour just confronted me and accused me of pinching things from her washing line .
I nearly shat her pants .
Essex lass has just had one of them home births . Midwife went round , gave her loadsa drugs . laid her down , and told her to spread her legs
Almost the same as what happened at the conception .
-
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to insert my finger.
But now she's made a formal complaint I'm banned from the gym ...
-
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to insert my finger.
But now she's made a formal complaint I'm banned from the gym ...
lol: lol: lol:
-
My neighbour just confronted me and accused me of pinching things from her washing line .
I nearly shat her pants .
happy001
-
I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to insert my finger.
But now she's made a formal complaint I'm banned from the gym ...
happy001
-
The marriage counsellor turned to me and said, "Mr Smith, you've not said a single word to your wife in our discussions tonight?"
"I haven't needed to?" I replied, "Your receptionist brought me a cup of tea and a sandwich earlier !!!
-
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
-
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I'm thinking about making a career change and becoming a tennis umpire.
I still haven't ruled it out.
-
I'm thinking about making a career change and becoming a tennis umpire.
I still haven't ruled it out.
drumroll:
-
Lionel Ritchie has just opened a butchers in Bradford.
It's called 'Halal, is it meat you're looking for'
-
lol:
-
I do suffer from extremely premature ejaculation, come to think of it.
-
drumroll:
-
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. e felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her ' Pussy'. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him €200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her €150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Those poor poor farmers ;)
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Had a pelican bhuna last night. It was delicious but the bill was massive.
-
Had a pelican bhuna last night. It was delicious but the bill was massive.
lol: lol: lol:
-
What a bargain!
Nowt wrong with slightly damaged TVs, I just bought a 50" Bang and Olufsen TV with a broken volume button for a tenner.
I couldn't turn it down
-
What a bargain!
Nowt wrong with slightly damaged TVs, I just bought a 50" Bang and Olufsen TV with a broken volume button for a tenner.
I couldn't turn it down
;D ;D
-
What a bargain!
Nowt wrong with slightly damaged TVs, I just bought a 50" Bang and Olufsen TV with a broken volume button for a tenner.
I couldn't turn it down
lol: lol: lol:
-
After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.
I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, "Yacht for sale" As if people don't know what a yacht's for.
-
Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.
-
Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.
drumroll:
-
After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.
I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, "Yacht for sale" As if people don't know what a yacht's for.
lol: lol: lol:
-
After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.
happy001
-
I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.
-
I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.
;D ;D
-
I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.
happy001
-
William and Larry got married in California . They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to William's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, William's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if William and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are William and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are William and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night William came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
-
William and Larry got married in California . They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to William's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, William's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if William and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are William and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are William and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night William came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'
lol: lol: lol:
-
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
-
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
happy001
-
Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.
Extinct..........
-
Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.
Extinct..........
noooo:
Prep school, 1950
-
Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.
Extinct..........
noooo:
Prep school, 1950
lol: lol: lol:
-
British immigration officer, " Name?
German visitor, "Schmidt."
British immigration officer, " Occupation?"
German visitor, "No , we're only here on holiday."
-
A little old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age."
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.
"
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
As a bagpiper, a friend of mine plays at many gigs.
Recently he was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
As my friend was not familiar with the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He said he felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, and he wept, and they all wept together.
When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.
Though his head hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he said he heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
-
From the other place, kms?
-
Yes, but I think they're not bad jokes compared to some on this thread.
If you borrow from one source, it's plagiarism. If you borrow from several, it's research !
-
As a bagpiper, a friend of mine plays at many gigs.
Recently he was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
As my friend was not familiar with the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He said he felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, and he wept, and they all wept together.
When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.
Though his head hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he said he heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
happy001
-
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets severed. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another really big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose he finally injured himself too severely. '
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
-
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets severed. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another really big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose he finally injured himself too severely. '
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Remembering the 60's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
Mum brought in the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!"
-
Well, you couldn't see the punchline of that one coming.... noooo:
-
Met a Dutchman today and noticed his shoes had built in Sat-nav.....Thought to myself ''f*****g clever clogs! ''
-
Met a Dutchman today and noticed his shoes had built in Sat-nav.....Thought to myself ''f*****g clever clogs! ''
lol: lol: lol:
-
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
drumroll:
-
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Well, thanks for that 'little gem' JOM. redface:
-
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Well, thanks for that 'little gem' JOM. redface:
Has it taken you a month to think of it...? lol:
-
sad32: Don't look in here very often. redface:
-
sad32: Don't look in here very often. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Well, thanks for that 'little gem' JOM. redface:
Has it taken you a month to think of it...? lol:
. . . Cos if it has, you're slow!
-
I put ham and pineapple into a bap today.
Because that's Hawaii roll.
-
Let me help you into your coat.
-
Conjunctivitus.com
Now there’s a site for sore eyes ;D
-
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
-
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
;D
-
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Have you been injured?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
If so.. .
Sort yourself out you clumsy twat
-
Have you been injured?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
If so.. .
Sort yourself out you clumsy twat
happy001
-
How much does a cockney spend on shampoo
pantene...........
-
lol:
-
I bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool...
Couldn't get the fucker off the Big Wheel for 2 days!
-
I bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool...
Couldn't get the fucker off the Big Wheel for 2 days!
drumroll:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today & found 1,000's of naked pictures of Miss Piggy.
A spokesman said it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen
-
<GROAN>
-
Have you been injured?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
If so.. .
Sort yourself out you're clumsy twat Nick.
whistle: whistle:
-
Have you been injured?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
If so.. .
Sort yourself out you're clumsy twat Nick.
whistle: whistle:
happy001
-
sad32:
-
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What’s your name?” asked the teacher.”Mohammed,” he replied. “You’re in Britain now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Kevin.”
Mohammed returned home after school. “How was your day, Mohammed?” his mother asked. “My name is not Mohammed. I’m in Britain and now my name is Kevin.”
His mother screamed “Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” and she beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw his bruises and asked “What happened to you, Kevin?”
“Well ma’am, shortly after becoming British, I was attacked by two fuckin’ Pakis”
happy001
-
AFFS cussing:
-
AFFS cussing:
Oh yes...? tunble:
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she said... "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'".
"What's Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really!? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately right there on the table top! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
-
AFFS!
-
AFFS!
Thumbs:
-
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"
"Sorry, Neil.
-
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"
"Sorry, Neil.
happy001
-
happy001 happy001
-
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the hell do you think it is?"
"Sorry, Neil.
happy001
lol: lol:
-
Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in a french footballers appartment... Investigating officers say she was head butted to death.
Local papers say... It was murder on Zidane's floor
-
Shrugs:
-
Unc - murder on 'ze dance floor'
whistle:
-
This Sophie's a dancer then?
-
Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in a french footballers appartment... Investigating officers say she was head butted to death.
Local papers say... It was murder on Zidane's floor
noooo: Have you found an old mobile phone at the back of the "man" drawer rubschin:
-
This Sophie's a dancer then?
No, they used her face as a template for satellite dishes lol:
-
Janet Ellis's daughter ( her from Blue Peter)
She is singer in pop group now . Most popular hit " Murder on the Dancefloor"
noooo:
-
Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in a french footballers appartment... Investigating officers say she was head butted to death.
Local papers say... It was murder on Zidane's floor
noooo: Have you found an old mobile phone at the back of the "man" drawer rubschin:
Retro jokes are all the rage . lol:
It is in the hat , coat ...I'll close the door on me way out thread like whistle:
-
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
-
lol: lol:
:thumbsup:
-
Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in a french footballers appartment... Investigating officers say she was head butted to death.
Local papers say... It was murder on Zidane's floor
noooo: Have you found an old mobile phone at the back of the "man" drawer rubschin:
Retro jokes are all the rage . lol:
It is in the hat , coat ...I'll close the door on me way out thread like whistle:
Retro rubschin: ....
Fool your neighbours into thinking it's 1972 by painting a dog turd white & leaving it outside their front door.
-
If you receive no more postings from me, you'll know that God was listening
And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body, he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles with his last gasping breath and said unto them....
"Don't touch my fucking Easter Eggs I'll be back on Monday"
-
It's Easter Sunday, diabetics knock yourself out...............
-
It's Easter Sunday, diabetics knock yourself out...............
lol: lol: lol:
-
Murphy asked Paddy "What ringtone have you got?!"
Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown.
-
Murphy asked Paddy "What ringtone have you got?!"
Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown.
noooo: tunble:
-
ITV are filming a new soap opera in Bradford.
Curry Nation Street starts later this year.........
-
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean,
17 times it was too late,
49 times you were too tired,
20 times it was too hot,
15 times you pretended to be asleep,
22 times you had a headache,
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby,
16 times you said you were too sore,
12 times it was the wrong time of the month,
19 times you had to get up early,
9 times you said weren't in the mood,
7 times you were sunburned,
6 times you were watching the late show,
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do,
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us,
9 times you said your mother would hear us
... and of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat,
36 times you did not come home at all,
21 times you didn't cum,
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in,
38 times you worked too late10 times you got cramps in your toes,
29 times you had to get up early to play golf,
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls,
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper,
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running,
2 times you had a splinter in your finger,
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day,
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book,
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.
and of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!
-
AFFS! whistle:
-
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Where rubschin:
-
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "Bugger it, I'll treat her, she deserves it"
So we walked past it again!
-
Apparently thieves in Blackpool have been stealing coastal telescopes and replaced them with kaleidoscopes . Police say they can see a pattern emerging lol:
-
Apparently thieves in Blackpool have been stealing coastal telescopes and replaced them with kaleidoscopes . Police say they can see a pattern emerging lol:
lol: lol: lol:
-
My mate Gavin died from heartburn.
Gav is gone cry:
-
My mate Gavin died from heartburn.
Gav is gone cry:
;D ;D ;D
-
My mate Gavin died from heartburn.
Gav is gone cry:
happy001
-
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
-
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
;D ;D ;D
-
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
Steps is a popular beat combo M'lud.
-
Hark at Darwin getting down with the kids :thumbsup:
They were Darwin, but H died like
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Fyqkj6aw9f%2Fh_from_steps.jpg&hash=782f607542993280876dc1a66909b47d) (http://postimage.org/image/yqkj6aw9f/)
-
Hark at Darwin getting down with the kids :thumbsup:
They were Darwin, but H died like
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Fyqkj6aw9f%2Fh_from_steps.jpg&hash=782f607542993280876dc1a66909b47d) (http://postimage.org/image/yqkj6aw9f/)
;D ;D................but deffo AFFS..........
-
A lot of things have changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
-
At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
The coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral. Suddenly a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too fucking late pal, the paperworks already done."
My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute. I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.
-
A lot of things have changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
lol: lol: lol:
-
A lot of things have changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
lol: lol: lol:
Some jokes are too near the truth to be funny redface:
-
A lot of things have changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
lol: lol: lol:
Some jokes are too near the truth to be funny redface:
point:
-
evil:
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
lol: lol: lol:
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
lol: lol: lol:
Groucho Marks circa 1900
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
lol: lol: lol:
Groucho Marks circa 1900
When he was ten like...? rubschin:
-
Yeah...he was just practising like...America's got talent...
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????
lol: lol: lol:
Groucho Marks circa 1900
It wasn't Wright but a Welsh signalman called "Level Evans" who was not hanging when I first heard it in the 50's. noooo:
-
Yup! That's the version I know DS :thumbsup:
-
Yup! That's the version I know DS :thumbsup:
And the kids today never believe us when we tell them how hard things were back then. ;)
-
Probably going to be an affs but bugger it, I heard it on the train earlier.
According to recent research we are most likely to die of the same thing our grandfather did.
I'm going to be keeping a bloody close eye out for German snipers then. scared:
redface:
-
Probably going to be an affs but bugger it, I heard it on the train earlier.
According to recent research we are most likely to die of the same thing our grandfather did.
I'm going to be keeping a bloody close eye out for German snipers then. scared:
redface:
I want to die in my sleep like my dad.... cloud9:
Not screaming in fear like all the passengers on his bus!
etc. ::)
-
happy001
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2F8g7kso4op%2Fdownload.jpg&hash=5f024576f0c631ca34aed4b85244550e)
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Duck goes into a bar and says to the Barman ''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''NO!, and if you ask me again I'll nail your feckin beak to the bar you annoying little bastard!!''
''Got any nails?''
''NO!''
''Got any bread?''
-
Duck goes into a bar and says to the Barman ''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''NO!, and if you ask me again I'll nail your feckin beak to the bar you annoying little bastard!!''
''Got any nails?''
''NO!''
''Got any bread?''
happy001
-
Duck goes into a bar and says to the Barman ''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''No''
''Got any bread?''
''NO!, and if you ask me again I'll nail your feckin beak to the bar you annoying little bastard!!''
''Got any nails?''
''NO!''
''Got any bread?''
AFFFS
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2Fae4qe5819%2Froger.jpg&hash=1bb02a6c0686e6d8aa230a132a0b76d5) (http://postimage.org/image/ae4qe5819/)
happy001
Shamelessly stolen from here. (http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/)
-
I was gonna post that
OH's posts are rare these days, at one point I thought they's done a David Kelly on him (no, not the Irish actor)
-
Just been to pets at home to by a gold fish, the assistant asked me " Do you want an aquarium ?" i replied " Im not bothered what star sign it is !"
-
Just been to pets at home to by a gold fish, the assistant asked me " Do you want an aquarium ?" i replied " Im not bothered what star sign it is !"
lol: lol: lol:
-
For Nick (and other Trekkies)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2F6rr77gj1v%2Fchickenwherenocat.jpg&hash=2fa588b67249099c1fe86777d95bc0da) (http://postimage.org/image/6rr77gj1v/)
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I took 2 stuffed dogs onto Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh ' said the presenter 'these are a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?'
'Sticks?', I replied.
-
I took 2 stuffed dogs onto Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh ' said the presenter 'these are a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?'
'Sticks?', I replied.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
I took 2 stuffed dogs onto Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh ' said the presenter 'these are a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?'
'Sticks?', I replied.
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot? Ones an Australian Marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift. redface: redface: redface:
The Mrs just told me, she'd rather go on holiday ALONE to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochuchaf, rather than go abroad with me.
I don't know how she can say that.
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Justin Bieber is playing in Hammersmith tonight.
He's on the roundabout at the moment but he's eyeing up the climbing frame as I type
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Flx8rgyx09%2Fhumerus.jpg&hash=831852850e0f6104532e62f2c76e9004) (http://postimage.org/image/lx8rgyx09/)
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happy001
-
A group of primary school children go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about horses.
When it's time to go to the toilets it is decided that the girls will go with one lady teacher and the boys with another. The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow.
As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well-endowed. Trying not to stare she says,
''You must be in year four.''
''No love, I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2 15!''
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
An oldie, but goodie. :thumbsup:
-
The Chinese have one of the fastest swimmers in the world?
Now wait just a cockle picking minute here......
-
The Chinese have one of the fastest swimmers in the world?
Now wait just a cockle picking minute here......
happy001
-
Ah, but even she can't swim in oozing mud!
-
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim,
I remember Dad saying, ………………
"Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."
-
happy001
-
The Looters Prayer
Our father, who art in prison,
My mum knows not his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham , as it is in London .
Give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our looting,
As we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...
Innit !!!!
-
That Tia Sharp who went missing visiting her grandmother ............
have the police looked for a big bad wolf ............ rubschin:
-
That Tia Sharp who went missing visiting her grandmother ............
have the police looked for a big bad wolf ............ rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Looters Prayer
Our father, who art in prison,
My mum knows not his name,
Thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham , as it is in London .
Give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our looting,
As we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...
Innit !!!!
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimage.org%2Fhqmwtg9ol%2Flondon_olympics_1.jpg&hash=87cf397fe2da60fc43f2d501d2e9f711) (http://postimage.org/image/hqmwtg9ol/)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fy6k7bu535%2Flondon_olympics_2.jpg&hash=a498f1bc3a51f43d6af045da49cbf61a) (http://postimage.org/image/y6k7bu535/)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimage.org%2F9x279x2vp%2Flondon_olympics_3.jpg&hash=29b1dadee734c8e69df761337fe9e511) (http://postimage.org/image/9x279x2vp/)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Filkzjl3ib%2Flondon_olympics_4.jpg&hash=0fd60804e5aafff578ad0ca13a97b9e6) (http://postimage.org/image/ilkzjl3ib/)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimage.org%2Ffb096vpyp%2Flondon_olympics_5.jpg&hash=87f05037ea3a81c2503374420d2998cd) (http://postimage.org/image/fb096vpyp/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Fl8h9ho1qn%2Fparrot.jpg&hash=809fdc5224c1c3a11972581001a4235b) (http://postimage.org/image/l8h9ho1qn/)
redface:
-
tunble:
-
I can't help but wonder, would Anne Frank still be alive today had the Nazis received training from West Croydon Police..........
-
I can't help but wonder, would Anne Frank still be alive today had the Nazis received training from West Croydon Police..........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
United:Robin Van Persie.
Liverpool :Robin Van Wheels.
A man said to his mate, "My cat went out yesterday and I looked for four hours then I give up "
His mate said " You must look harder"
so he went home shaved his head got 5 Tattoos but stil he could not find it.
-
A man said to his mate, "My cat went out yesterday and I looked for four hours then I give up "
His mate said " You must look harder"
So he went home, shaved his head and got 5 tattoos but still could not find it.
happy001
-
Predictive text ruined my chance with this girl when I told her I wanted her.
. Apparently there is no explaining "I wish you were nine."........
-
Predictive text ruined my chance with this girl when I told her I wanted her.
. Apparently there is no explaining "I wish you were nine."........
lol: lol: lol:
-
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip whistle:
-
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Flx8rgyx09%2Fhumerus.jpg&hash=831852850e0f6104532e62f2c76e9004) (http://postimage.org/image/lx8rgyx09/)
happy001 happy001
This is made for sharing.
-
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40 redface:
-
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40 redface:
...could be the start of a slippery slope.
-
Prince Harry has blamed his antics on......... A broken home, family living off taxpayers, growing up on estates and time spent in institutions whistle:
-
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40 redface:
lol: lol: lol:
AFFS! ::)
-
Prince Harry has blamed his antics on......... A broken home, family living off taxpayers, growing up on estates and time spent in institutions whistle:
I like that! lol:
-
Prince Harry has blamed his antics on......... A broken home, family living off taxpayers, growing up on estates and time spent in institutions whistle:
I like that! lol:
She forgot to mention the inbreeding - after all, Sandringham IS in Norfolk! lol:
-
This was posted in "another place" by another member, and I thought it was too good not to reach the wider audience:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.beetlehook.com%2FKirkhead.jpg&hash=5a264ddeb41cdad7e5a4d05811476b60)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2F4i6cbtf5l%2Fbolt.jpg&hash=7af936a6ea73315d6dc63fa775f51d1b) (http://postimage.org/image/4i6cbtf5l/)
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2F4i6cbtf5l%2Fbolt.jpg&hash=7af936a6ea73315d6dc63fa775f51d1b) (http://postimage.org/image/4i6cbtf5l/)
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol: redface:
-
:thumbsup:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Ffn3m96qrz%2Ffalling_finish_line.jpg&hash=c73a70cdeb24fd4aed0f77a727fe1d21) (http://postimage.org/image/fn3m96qrz/)
that's Nick falling down cos he couldn't fasten his laces. noooo:
-
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
-
yeah baby.....harder....HARDER BITCH!!!!!
-
eeek: scared2:
-
awww, did I scare ya? happy100
eveilgrin:
-
scared2: She sounds like a handful (snigger)
-
you've seen the pictures.... ;)
-
This may be an Affs....
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice...
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up gain and shouts...
"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing.....
(wait for it...)
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."
-
tunble:
-
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets his Snickers in a Twix..........
-
tunble:
-
tunble: tunble:
-
11 years ago today I lost 6 very close friends. R.I.P. Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed & Mohamed.
redface:
-
Spank2:
-
11 years ago today I lost 6 very close friends. R.I.P. Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed & Mohamed.
redface:
;D ;D ;D ;D noooo: whistle:
-
11 years ago today I lost 6 very close friends. R.I.P. Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohamed & Mohamed.
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Two cannibals go on holiday from Borneo to Blackpool.
WHen they get home one is missing a leg and one is missing an arm.
Their mates asked about the holiday
"Great time."
"And what happened to your limbs?"
That was a mistake.....
WE went self catering
drumroll:
-
tunble:
-
Never make fun of a fat chick with a lisp. She's probably thick and tired of it.
-
Never make fun of a fat chick with a lisp. She's probably thick and tired of it.
happy001
-
The Head Gardener at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents. In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing. "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered Whitey. "All I know is I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' and the next thing I knew the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
Taxi for Mr Ghost?
-
. . And as the taxi leaves, the Spook is heard in the distance . . .
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.
When will the madness end?
-
The Head Gardener at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents. In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing. "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered Whitey. "All I know is I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' and the next thing I knew the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
Taxi for Mr Ghost?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.
-
noooo:
-
My girlfriend told me I should treat her like a princess.
So I took some ohotos of her tit's and sold them to a newspaper.
-
My girlfriend told me I should treat her like a princess.
So I took some ohotos of her tit's and sold them to a newspaper.
Doesn't work old bean! Kate (tits out) Middleton is a duchess IIRC
-
Pedant alert.
Nice tits though :thumbsup:
Yes, I did redface:
-
You're obviously easily pleased
-
I would
-
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.
I always carry a Voltmeter and an Ammeter with me whenever I travel away.
It reminds me of Ohm.
-
tunble:
-
tunble:
CSE Science let you down?
-
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.
I always carry a Voltmeter and an Ammeter with me whenever I travel away.
It reminds me of Ohm.
;D ;D ;D
-
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.
I always carry a Voltmeter and an Ammeter with me whenever I travel away.
It reminds me of Ohm.
lol:
-
Apparently Liverpool FC are looking to sign Lenny Henry in the January transfer window. So that they can stay in the Premier.
-
Apparently Liverpool FC are looking to sign Lenny Henry in the January transfer window. So that they can stay in the Premier.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Jeremy Forrest has just discovered that 1997 wasn't such a good vintage for reds in Bordeaux.
-
I was watching Jurassic park the other day when I thought 'Not only does my son have a stupid name but he's a shit driver'
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
The missus said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Disco songs..
I said, "Well go, walk out the door, don't turn around now, coz you're not welcome any more"
-
My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap.
I asked my boss "what do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?", he replied "Just pop it in the corner". Four fucking hours it took me.
Just bought some anti gloating cream ..................... I cant wait to rub it in
-
I tried to buy Justin Lee Collins gig tickets, but his website first demanded that I list every other comedian I've previously seen live!
Ice, ice, baby - Fred West going through his chest freezer.
-
lol:
lol:
(What a nutjob JLC is)
-
Indeed - can't see many offers of work flooding in from now on. You do have to worry about these Star Wars freaks noooo:
-
My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday. He was caught in a trap.
I asked my boss "what do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?", he replied "Just pop it in the corner". Four fucking hours it took me.
Just bought some anti gloating cream ..................... I cant wait to rub it in
happy001
-
I just nearly shit myself. On the way back from town, I just overtook a huge truck, accidentally cutting him up. He then sped past, pulled next to me at the traffic lights, and opened his window. I was expecting him to be swearing loudly, but no, he said, “your perpendicular driving resulted in the need for an overly swift deceleration, which I found deplorable.” I thought it weird,
then realised it was an articulated lorry
-
I just nearly shit myself. On the way back from town, I just overtook a huge truck, accidentally cutting him up. He then sped past, pulled next to me at the traffic lights, and opened his window. I was expecting him to be swearing loudly, but no, he said, “your perpendicular driving resulted in the need for an overly swift deceleration, which I found deplorable.” I thought it weird,
then realised it was an articulated lorry
* groans * lol:
-
Just shut the door on your way out JOM. ::)
-
Women on their period always ovary act.
The local cinema was robbed last night . The thieving bastards got away with £754. They took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...
-
Over here Miss D.... Snoopy shown me the way ;)
-
Surely that's why they are posted in this thread though whistle:
-
I was too polite in not pointing it out. Just as well you went stomping on in there eh ;)
-
Oh yes ...you can rely on me and my bovver boots lol:
-
Oh yes ...you can rely on me and my bovver boots lol:
I think that loud noise was Barman fallling off his chair
-
H from Steps is badly injured in hospital. A helicopter landed on top of him.
-
H from Steps is badly injured in hospital. A helicopter landed on top of him.
Or a fireman tried to stick his hose in him.
-
H from Steps is badly injured in hospital. A helicopter landed on top of him.
Or a fireman tried to stick his hose in him.
A Spanish fireman had two sons, he called them Jose and Hose B.
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
One paper carried photos of three women who had made allegations about Jimmy Savile. They showed a photo taken at the time and one showing how they look now.
The caption read Now Then, Now Then, Now Then
-
One paper carried photos of three women who had made allegations about Jimmy Savile. They showed a photo taken at the time and one showing how they look now.
The caption read Now Then, Now Then, Now Then
happy001
-
I wonder if the Calvin Harris song "Acceptable in the 80's" was really written by Jimmy Savile............. rubschin:
-
It came as no surprise to me that my wife was diagnosed with the big 'C'.
She was living in hope that it wasn't. That she could beat the odds.
But the doctor was quite hard hitting when he told her after 4 kids what did she really expect !
-
Miss D! noooo:
-
Spank2: Spank2:
-
Miss D! noooo:
Not up to you standards I know whistle:
-
It came as no surprise to me that my wife was diagnosed with the big 'C'.
She was living in hope that it wasn't. That she could beat the odds.
But the doctor was quite hard hitting when he told her after 4 kids what did she really expect !
happy001
-
Miss D! noooo:
Not up to your standards I know whistle:
I just assumed BM had a hand in it.
-
Mr Thread? noooo:
-
Mr Thread? noooo:
- can you please attend - and, bring Mr Needle with you - we have work to do!
-
doh:
-
Mr Thread? noooo:
- can you please attend - and, bring Mr Needle with you - we have work to do!
lol: lol: lol:
-
It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963
-
It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963
happy001
-
It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963
lol: lol: lol:
-
It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963
drumroll:
-
The missus bought a paperback
down Mumbles, Saturday
I had a look into her bag
'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.
Well I just left her to it
At ten I went to bed,
And one hour later she appeared -
The sight filled me with dread....
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip.
Well, fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek,
But Doris hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty-four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
Then things went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple of minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!
Now if you knew our Doris
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
From our last mad sex, I muttered.
She stood there nude, all naked like,
Bent forward just a bit...
So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward
And stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can't tell no more
'Bout what occurred that day...
Suffice to stay, my jet black hair
Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of Wisdom,
"......Mr. Grimsdale!! MR.GRIMSDALE!!!"
-
happy001
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every Full Tank.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
-
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every Full Tank.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
She must do a lot of mileage to require two fill-ups per week. She'd be wise to consider investing in a more economical car.
-
She must do a lot of mileage to require two fill-ups per week. She'd be wise to consider investing in a more economical car.
To fill up does it need to be empty.......... whistle:
-
She must do a lot of mileage to require two fill-ups per week. She'd be wise to consider investing in a more economical car.
To fill up does it need to be empty.......... whistle:
Yes. Otherwise it is a "top-up". Obviously. whistle:
-
She must do a lot of mileage to require two fill-ups per week. She'd be wise to consider investing in a more economical car.
To fill up does it need to be empty.......... whistle:
Yes. Otherwise it is a "top-up". Obviously. whistle:
worthy:
-
I'm never quite sure what technique to use when I'm having a wank. So I use a bop-it to give me commands
-
I'm never quite sure what technique to use when I'm having a wank. So I use a bop-it to give me commands
I had to look it up redface:
No, Bop it, not a wank
-
You've never played Bop It eeek:
It's infuriating .....I have one here I am more than happy to send onto you for a lifetime trial basis like lol:
-
No ta! I've got other things to play with like ;)
-
I have two Bop-Its... rubschin:
-
Can we have a BOP IT amnesty ......hand them into police stations to reduce crimes of rage or smelt them into something useful rubschin:
-
Can we have a BOP IT amnesty ......hand them into police stations to reduce crimes of rage or smelt them into something useful rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
Good plan - I put mine away somewhere safe last Xmas and have cleverly forgotten where they are.... cloud9:
Mr. Tinks is the Bop-It king.... lol:
-
lol:
There must be at least one unused BOP IT in every household that has been 'put away' otherwise it will be hurled across rooms the nation over !
bop it, pull it, spin it, twist it or pass it OWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Banghead Banghead Banghead
-
I confiscated The Boy's before I went mad
-
I confiscated The Boy's before I went mad
Too late. noooo:
-
I confiscated The Boy's before I went mad
Too late. noooo:
happy002
-
::)
-
::)
point:
-
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
-
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
lol: lol: lol:
AFFS! ::)
-
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?
-
Some little scrotes stopped me outside the Co-op earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us 10 Richmond? 'No problem' said I (taking their money). On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!
-
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Some little scrotes stopped me outside the Co-op earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us 10 Richmond? 'No problem' said I (taking their money). On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
Some little scrotes stopped me outside the Co-op earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us 10 Richmond? 'No problem' said I (taking their money). On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Just bought a new blindfold, can't see myself wearing it though!
-
Just bought a new blindfold, can't see myself wearing it though!
Collapso >>> nose >>> keyboard lol: lol: lol:
-
Just bought a new blindfold, can't see myself wearing it though!
lol: lol: lol:
-
I said to a mate, "I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings last month and she hasn't talked to me since."
"Why not?"
"That was part of the deal..............
-
I said to a mate, "I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings last month and she hasn't talked to me since."
"Why not?"
"That was part of the deal..............
lol: lol: lol:
rubschin:
-
My mate said his wife's an angel.
"You're lucky" I said "mine's still alive"
-
My mate said his wife's an angel.
"You're lucky" I said "mine's still alive"
lol: lol: lol:
-
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase................."
-
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase................."
tunble:
-
Ignore Barman, I thought it was too good to be in this thread lol:
-
So did I. :thumbsup:
-
::)
-
I have 3 young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into debt buying them all their presents, is that the fat git with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.
Still I guess it's my fault for marrying her!
-
I have 3 young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into debt buying them all their presents, is that the fat git with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.
Still I guess it's my fault for marrying her!
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
The doctor's advised me to start running. I'm not ill or anything, it's just that I've been caught shagging his wife
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.
A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and
I hafta use my handsome."
(Hat, coat, door, taxi for M Ghost)
-
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "
-
lol:
-
lol: lol:
-
"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf............
-
"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf............
lol:
-
I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all............
Moaning about the broken stair lift...............
-
I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all............
Moaning about the broken stair lift...............
lol: lol: lol:
-
Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits..........
-
lol:
-
Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits..........
Oooohhhhh is it time for my Freudian slip joke? cloud9:
-
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
-
Nick, you seem to use that spanking emoticon rather regularly. Is there something you need to share ?
-
Spank2:
-
Nick, you seem to use that spanking emoticon rather regularly. Is there something you need to share ?
He is an gayer... ::)
-
Sian Williams disagrees eyes:
-
My main hope for 2004 is to clear up my dementia issues....................
-
My main hope for 2004 is to clear up my dementia issues....................
lol:
-
'UK Man has first hand transplant.'
Surely that's a second hand transplant............. rubschin:
-
drumroll:
-
'UK Man has first hand transplant.'
Surely that's a second hand transplant............. rubschin:
happy001
Tea >>> keyboard evil:
-
drumroll:
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job:
a Japanese,
a Chinese and
a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and
*Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !! "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"
-
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job:
a Japanese,
a Chinese and
a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and
*Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !! "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"
*yawns*
Yes, very good JOM.... ::)
-
There is a reason it is in the hat, coat, door thread like
-
He may be struggling with the concept lol:
-
rubschin:
-
"Palestine model shot dead in Israel"
I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit........ redface:
-
"Palestine model shot dead in Israel"
I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit........ redface:
lol: lol:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2F7q1522c29%2FMorph_web.jpg&hash=183cad09b78f32e672bbe95ea9880fd8) (http://postimage.org/image/7q1522c29/)
love those palestine models. cloud9:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2F7q1522c29%2FMorph_web.jpg&hash=183cad09b78f32e672bbe95ea9880fd8) (http://postimage.org/image/7q1522c29/)
love those palestine models. cloud9:
You don't have to explain it Foggy. noooo:
-
come on............you would love a model you could mould Thumbs:
-
"Palestine model shot dead in Israel"
I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
come on............you would love a model you could mould Thumbs:
Women are like putty in his hands. . .
-
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. ........... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel !
-
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. ........... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel !
happy001
-
To buy frozen burgers or not to buy?
That is equestrian...........
-
To buy frozen burgers or not to buy?
That is equestrian...........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
New Tesco burgers: Low in fat, high in Shergar......... redface:
-
'UK Man has first hand transplant.'
Surely that's a second hand transplant............. rubschin:
Apparently, his cock's rejected it. whistle:
-
New Tesco burgers: Low in fat, high in Shergar......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
'UK Man has first hand transplant.'
Surely that's a second hand transplant............. rubschin:
Apparently, his cock's rejected it. whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
-
So the driving examiner Said to me, " when you come to a stop at a red light, what three things must you check?" Quick as a flash I said " facebook, Twitter, and my e mail account" apparently that wasn't the right answer !!
-
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom..."I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".
-
Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...
Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Darwin.
-
Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...
Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Darwin.
Why is this in the comedy room? sad32:
-
Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...
Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Darwin.
Why is this in the comedy room? sad32:
drumroll:
-
Tesco burgers or mascarpone.......... rubschin:
-
Rising unemployment? That's just idle talk.
-
Police are on the lookout for two paedophiles disguised as workmen clearing snow outside Junior Schools, they are asking parents to keep their eyes peeled for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.
-
Police are on the lookout for two paedophiles disguised as workmen clearing snow outside Junior Schools, they are asking parents to keep their eyes peeled for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.
lol: lol: lol:
That is daft... but funny like.... rubschin:
-
Shit!
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present ....They were due back at the library on Friday
-
Shit!
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present ....They were due back at the library on Friday
lol: lol: lol:
-
Two Thai girls asked if I'd like to go to bed with them, they said it would be like winning the lottery.
I agreed and they were right - we all stripped-off and to my horror - we had six matching balls.
redface:
-
Bradford City have announced that Cup final tickets will start at 50 rupees and will be limited to 40 per household.
-
drumroll:
-
What's white and works in KFC?
The light switch.
-
What's white and works in KFC?
The light switch.
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
That's too good to be in here :thumbsup:
-
Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:
A Blue One
-
Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:
A Blue One
happy001
-
Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:
A Blue One
happy001
Having spent a year selling new cars for Bristol Street Motors in Southampton back in the 70's that is no joke. Men would be interested in mpg, top speed, engine size and sometimes more technical matters such as a cassette player and other options ::) but their wives always wanted to know what colours were available. I know little about cars ~ never have but in 12 months nobody ever asked anything really technical that I couldn't answer.
It will come as no consolation to Uncle Mort but even then the tricky question to answer with accuracy was delivery dates.
-
A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the whole Koran on DVD.
Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy, well that's when it all kicked off...
-
Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:
A Blue One
lol: lol: lol:
-
A muslim bloke was bragging that he had the whole Koran on DVD.
Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy, well that's when it all kicked off...
lol: lol: lol:
-
Louisiana shit kicker visits his lawyer.
'Ah want one o they dayvorces.'
Lawyer, 'Is she violent, wasteful or denies you sex?'
'Nope'
Lawyer, 'Is she a nagger?'
Nope, She's a little white gal but that baby she just done had is a nagger.'
-
My daughter asked me "Dad, what does 'coming out' mean?"
I said..."well..it's when a gay person decides they have had enough of pretending they are straight, They 'come out' which symbolises one's self, and the freedom form rules and expectations imposed by society. It's a sign of how human beings are becoming more open-minded and accepting of one another's differences.
Mind you, if it's a Nigerian, it usually means parole.
-
Louisiana shit kicker visits his lawyer.
'Ah want one o they dayvorces.'
Lawyer, 'Is she violent, wasteful or denies you sex?'
'Nope'
Lawyer, 'Is she a nagger?'
Nope, She's a little white gal but that baby she just done had is a nagger.'
lol: lol:
-
My daughter asked me "Dad, what does 'coming out' mean?"
I said..."well..it's when a gay person decides they have had enough of pretending they are straight, They 'come out' which symbolises one's self, and the freedom form rules and expectations imposed by society. It's a sign of how human beings are becoming more open-minded and accepting of one another's differences.
Mind you, if it's a Nigerian, it usually means parole.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was training my Labrador retriever gundog and was asked how I got her to be so well behaved.
I replied. ‘I have never told her she is black’
I had a black Labrador gundog who was superb until he saw himself in the mirror and began pimping bitches, dealing Bob Martin’s and mugging Spaniels.
-
noooo: possibly the wankest joke ever.
-
noooo: possibly the wankest joke ever.
evil:
-
An Irish couple froze to death queuing outside the cinema, waiting to see 'Closed for Winter'.
-
lol: lol: that's better
-
Churchill wasn't black, but he was the last white man to be called Winston.
-
I know this is AFFS (I think TMR posted it) but...
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out...
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end...
Her heart was pounding...
Her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the fucking car!
You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
-
Lorry full of fireworks explodes in china killing 26.....
The driver can expect a rocket from his boss for that...
-
Lorry full of fireworks explodes in china killing 26.....
The driver can expect a rocket from his boss for that...
lol:
-
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".......
-
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".......
lol: lol: lol:
-
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".......
happy001
-
The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.
RIP Ewan Whosarmy............. redface:
-
The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.
RIP Ewan Whosarmy............. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today.
RIP Ewan Whosarmy............. redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £5.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 30 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £5.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be £5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £5,400 not accounting for inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fooking Ferrari then?
-
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £5.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 30 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £5.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be £5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £5,400 not accounting for inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fooking Ferrari then?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £5.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 30 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £5.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be £5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £5,400 not accounting for inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fooking Ferrari then?
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £5.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 30 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £5.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £450. In one year, it would be £5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £5,400 not accounting for inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fooking Ferrari then?
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
Oooh I had better start preparing all your cards for next week lol:
-
I'm so hungry I could eat a lasagne........
-
'Horses for courses'....has now lost all its metaphorical meaning....
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
Oooh I had better start preparing all your cards for next week lol:
scared2:
And I think it's THIS week whistle:
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
Oooh I had better start preparing all your cards for next week lol:
scared2:
And I think it's THIS week whistle:
Next week like... ::)
-
Wrong noooo:
-
I hear that a large marquee with flashing lights has been erected in a Leicester car park.
A council spokesman said "now is the winter of our disco tent"............... redface:
-
I hear that a large marquee with flashing lights has been erected in a Leicester car park.
A council spokesman said "now is the winter of our disco tent"............... redface:
noooo:
-
What do fat women get for Valentine's Day?
Depressed..........
Oooh I had better start preparing all your cards for next week lol:
scared2:
And I think it's THIS week whistle:
Next week like... ::)
Valentines day is this week but Miss D is also right because she'll be sending us condolence cards. ;)
-
It's almost a tradition now ;D
I know we all think it's commercial clap trap but hey you gotta love getting a card :thumbsup:
I still won't get one this year sad32:
-
I still won't get one this year sad32:
Really? I would have thought you were guaranteed one this year rubschin:
-
No ....he is in Madrid watching the footy noooo:
I did have a big box of chocolates and flowers last week though because it wasn't Valentines day lol:
-
I still won't get one this year sad32:
Really? I would have thought you were guaranteed one this year rubschin:
Sniggger............. redface:
-
My mate Mike has just e mailed to say he is in Madrid all this week rubschin:
-
How uncanny ....he is a Man Utd fan too ? noooo:
-
No, he's gay eeek: rubschin:
-
Well there you go whacky115
-
How uncanny ....he is a Man Utd fan too ? noooo:
No, Nick booked him train tickets to manchester......... noooo:
-
evil:
-
No ....he is in Madrid watching the footy noooo:
I did have a big box of chocolates and flowers last week though because it wasn't Valentines day lol:
The chosen one eeek:
Well played Miss D :thumbsup:
-
There's a new reality show featuring Elton John, George Michael, Michael Barrymore, Graham Norton and Alan Carr
"The Only Way Is Arse Sex".
Me and the wife bought a water bed, but had to get rid of it, as it was ruining our relationship... We were just slowly drifting apart.
12 family meals for less than £10....that's why mums go to iceland.
A 16 year old bouncing up and down on you for less than £10....that's why dads go to Thailand.
I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into the lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said "oi you told me you was a stunt pilot you lying bastard!" To which I replied
"No, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team ..."
For Miss C...
I watched my cock go in and out , in and out ,and in and out ..
It was getting wetter and wetter ..
All I could think was ...
Get in your fucking coop it's starting to rain
Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool... I was minding my own business then ..........bosch!
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Forget M J Fox..............
Every time my nan tries to park her car, she starts shaking uncontrollably...........
I think she might have 'parking zone disease'
redface:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
The Pope is going to resign and to be honest I don't blame him...........
I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up..........
-
The Pope is going to resign and to be honest I don't blame him...........
I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Pope is going to resign and to be honest I don't blame him...........
I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up..........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
A horse walks into a bar. "Too late" says the bartender,
"we're joking about the pope now".
"He's right" sighs Richard III...................
-
If you think Tesco horse burgers are bad,
you should try their Quarter Pandas.............. whistle:
-
If you think Tesco horse burgers are bad,
you should try their Quarter Pandas.............. whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Breaking news.. after the recent spate of horsemeat findings in beef products Primark have decided to release some news..... many of their leggings contain a camel toe!!!!
-
Breaking news.. after the recent spate of horsemeat findings in beef products Primark have decided to release some news..... many of their leggings contain a camel toe!!!!
Oh JOM! noooo:
Shall I ring AFFS or will you? whistle:
-
Breaking news.. after the recent spate of horsemeat findings in beef products Primark have decided to release some news..... many of their leggings contain a camel toe!!!!
Oh JOM! noooo:
Shall I ring AFFS or will you? whistle:
Oh bollocks, so it has redface:
In my defence, I had been up to Manchester and back since 0430hr's yesterday
-
Breaking news.. after the recent spate of horsemeat findings in beef products Primark have decided to release some news..... many of their leggings contain a camel toe!!!!
Oh JOM! noooo:
Shall I ring AFFS or will you? whistle:
Oh bollocks, so it has redface:
In my defence, I had been up to Manchester and back since 0430hr's yesterday
happy100
-
50 pages of hilarity! happy001 all.
(Yep am still in catch up mode)
-
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
-
Just found out that the chocolate pudding I brought from Tesco earlier is 100% mousse.
-
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
;D ;D ;D
-
^^^ lol: ^^^
Got the hubby a pug dog the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like him....
-
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window..
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
-
lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Losing both legs and only getting 4 shots off.....
That's my prediction for Liverpools europa campaign.........................
-
Losing both legs and only getting 4 shots off.....
That's my prediction for Liverpools europa campaign.........................
happy001
-
Things apparently came to a head with Oscar Pistorious and his girlfriend after her valentines surprise...............
turned out to be socks...........
-
Things apparently came to a head with Oscar Pistorious and his girlfriend after her valentines surprise...............
turned out to be socks...........
*groans* noooo:
-
Oscar Pistorius brought a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day......
-
Oscar Pistorius brought a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day......
lol: lol: lol:
-
Oscar Pistorius brought a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day......
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again
-
My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again
happy001
-
B & Q are to be investigated over the content of their flooring.... they found lamb it in redface:
-
B & Q are to be investigated over the content of their flooring.... they found lamb it in redface:
*groans* lol: lol: lol:
It took me a while... redface:
-
B & Q are to be investigated over the content of their flooring.... they found lamb it in redface:
noooo:
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
The pope was on a visit to Liverpool and he invited people with problems to be part of the audience.
Billy was the first up and asked the pope to help with his hearing, the pope put his hands over Billy's ears and said a prayer, how is your hearing now he asked,
Billy replied, I don't know it's not till next Wednesday......
-
Oscar Pistorius brought a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day......
happy001
My brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again
happy001 aussi
The pope was on a visit to Liverpool and he invited people with problems to be part of the audience.
Billy was the first up and asked the pope to help with his hearing, the pope put his hands over Billy's ears and said a prayer, how is your hearing now he asked,
Billy replied, I don't know it's not till next Wednesday......
and happy001 as well
:thumbsup: all
-
Just heard on the box
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Don't eat Lasagna
It might be Black Beauty
(the lamb one is still struggling with my thick skull)
-
Just heard on the box
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
Don't eat Lasagna
It might be Black Beauty
(the lamb one is still struggling with my thick skull)
Laminate flooring....... whistle:
-
doh! Ta for putting me out of that misery - and into another one instead
-
Who takes a blade to a gun fight........ noooo:
-
The pope was on a visit to Liverpool and he invited people with problems to be part of the audience.
Billy was the first up and asked the pope to help with his hearing, the pope put his hands over Billy's ears and said a prayer, how is your hearing now he asked,
Billy replied, I don't know it's not till next Wednesday......
lol: lol: lol:
-
What do you call a man with no legs?...
Fuck all...He might shoot you....
-
What do you call a man with no legs?...
Fuck all...He might shoot you....
lol: lol: lol:
-
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.
I would think he should be a little more concerned about 'different races' entering him, once he's in prison.
-
Don't think yorkshire folk like us ......A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am from Lancashire can you speak clearer and slower please”
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"
-
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.
I would think he should be a little more concerned about 'different races' entering him, once he's in prison.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.
I would think he should be a little more concerned about 'different races' entering him, once he's in prison.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Don't think yorkshire folk like us ......A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am from Lancashire can you speak clearer and slower please”
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"
::) AFFS! ::)
-
I had a feeling redface:
-
I had a feeling redface:
point:
-
IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA...
There's a joke in there somewhere,
you'll have to assemble it yourselves.........
-
Jordan............Egypt...........
not a good week for burst balloons........... noooo:
-
Jordan............Egypt...........
not a good week for burst balloons........... noooo:
happy002
-
IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA...
There's a joke in there somewhere,
you'll have to assemble it yourselves.........
happy001
-
It will be ironic if a black Pope is elected.......
that he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him..........
-
It will be ironic if a black Pope is elected.......
that he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him..........
happy001
-
It will be ironic if a black Pope is elected.......
that he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
It will be ironic if a black Pope is elected.......
that he will be surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats swinging crosses in front of him..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog turd in the store entrance. I lost the case though. The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
-
I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog turd in the store entrance. I lost the case though. The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
happy002
Beer >>> keyboard evil:
-
I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog turd in the store entrance. I lost the case though. The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
happy002
Beer >>> keyboard evil:
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
I sued my local Aldi, after I injured my ankle slipping on a fresh dog turd in the store entrance. I lost the case though. The court didn't accept the idea that there'd be something fresh in Aldi.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper......
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000.".............
-
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper......
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000.".............
lol:
-
lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
What do Celtic and Oscar Pistorius have in common?
Both lost two legs and only had three shots on target...
-
What do Celtic and Oscar Pistorius have in common?
Both lost two legs and only had three shots on target...
Could be an AFFS.............. rubschin:
-
scared2: I await your forensic analysis whistle:
-
Quote from: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 04:44:33 PM
Losing both legs and only getting 4 shots off.....
That's my prediction for Liverpools europa campaign.........................
Similar ............ rubschin:
-
Quote from: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 04:44:33 PM
Losing both legs and only getting 4 shots off.....
That's my prediction for Liverpools europa campaign.........................
Similar ............ rubschin:
One shot missing. rubschin:
-
Quote from: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 04:44:33 PM
Losing both legs and only getting 4 shots off.....
That's my prediction for Liverpools europa campaign.........................
Similar ............ rubschin:
I didn't even hear the whoosh when that one passed me by redface:
-
I'm ginger and I got asked for sex today, I love filling in applications.
-
drumroll:
-
What do Celtic and Oscar Pistorius have in common?
Both lost two legs and only had three shots on target...
lol: lol: lol:
Not AFFS... noooo:
-
I live in Nottingham and I'm ginger and I got asked for sex today, I love filling in applications.
lol: lol:
whistle:
-
I live in Nottingham and I'm ginger and I got asked for sex today, I love filling in applications.
lol: lol:
whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
-
You can tell when it's really cold in the UK......
The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets!
-
You can tell when it's really cold in the UK......
The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets!
lol: lol: lol:
-
You can tell when it's really cold in the UK......
The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets!
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I hear HMP Holloway womens football team have got a new proven penalty taker.....
-
I hear HMP Holloway womens football team have got a new proven penalty taker.....
happy001
-
I hear HMP Holloway womens football team have got a new proven penalty taker.....
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Apparently the new pope is having problems setting up his bank details for his wages.....
There is a problem with his paypal account...............
-
Apparently the new pope is having problems setting up his bank details for his wages.....
There is a problem with his paypal account...............
tunble:
-
I had to double check that it was in the hat, coat thread :thumbsup: ... but tunble:
-
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"
A dwarf goes to a good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
-
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"
A dwarf goes to a good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
lol: lol: lol:
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
Oh noes - we're all in this together like! Thumbs:
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
Oh noes - we're all in this together like! Thumbs:
What do you mean "we" pailface?
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
Oh noes - we're all in this together like! Thumbs:
What do you mean "we" pailface?
lol: lol: lol:
I saw what you did there like! Thumbs:
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
Oh noes - we're all in this together like! Thumbs:
What do you mean "we" pailface?
lol: lol: lol:
I saw what you did there like! Thumbs:
Suttle, weren't it. ;)
-
And you did this " tunble: " to others in the "Material for APC" thread noooo:
Two sets of rules. noooo:
Oh noes - we're all in this together like! Thumbs:
What do you mean "we" pailface?
lol: lol: lol:
I saw what you did there like! Thumbs:
Suttle, weren't it. ;)
Obviously not that subtle.... redface:
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
BM had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called LL............ whistle:
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
BM had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called LL............ whistle:
tunble:
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
LL had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called BM............ whistle:
tunble:
evil:
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
LL had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called BM............ whistle:
tunble:
evil:
It was prolly funnier when LL told it but the other way round .... she mentioned "Shooting, Motor Bikes, Restoring Minis" to mention but a few.
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
LL had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called BM............ whistle:
tunble:
evil:
It was prolly funnier when LL told it but the other way round .... she mentioned "Shooting, Motor Bikes, Restoring Minis" to mention but a few.
:thumbsup:
-
The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts
LL had a similar problem like that for many years now
It's called BM............ whistle:
tunble:
evil:
It was prolly funnier when LL told it but the other way round .... she mentioned "Shooting, Motor Bikes, Restoring Minis" to mention but a few.
redface:
-
How do you stop two Pakis talking to each other in English?
Walk into their shop........
-
How do you stop two Pakis talking to each other in English?
Walk into their shop........
We're still waiting in the "World's most offensive joke" thread...PM me - I'll adjudicate :thumbsup:
-
How do you stop two Pakis talking to each other in English?
Walk into their shop........
lol: lol: lol:
Although it might be an JOM AFFS.... rubschin:
-
How do you stop two Pakis talking to each other in English?
Walk into their shop........
We're still waiting in the "World's most offensive joke" thread...PM me - I'll adjudicate :thumbsup:
He normally sends them to me.... sad24:
-
My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes,
so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays....... :thumbsup:
-
happy001
-
My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes,
so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays....... :thumbsup:
lol: lol: lol:
-
My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes,
so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays....... :thumbsup:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Why only two days...? rubschin:
-
I can't help being lazy..........
It walks in the family...........
-
I sat on my hand for fifteen minutes earlier, before hoovering the living room....
Just so it felt like the wife was doing it.. ..........
-
is that the cleaned up joke version because we're before the watershed?
-
Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please.
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
Reminds me of that paint joke... rubschin:
-
Today's a day where there are stakes on horses instead of horses in steaks......
-
Today's a day where there are stakes on horses instead of horses in steaks......
tunble:
-
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my muff?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder muff can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks,
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Kids: if anyone tells you you have ADHD, pay no attention..........
-
Kids: if anyone tells you you have ADHD, pay no attention..........
lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
lol: lol:
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
. . . and that LIDL is actually quite a big shop . . . .
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
happy001
-
Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day.
. . . and that LIDL is actually quite a big shop . . . .
happy001 both
-
lol: lol: lol: (to both)
-
lol: lol: lol: (to both)
^^^^^
-
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas........
Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.........
-
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas........
Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.........
happy001
-
Max Clifford charged with 11 counts of indecent assault.......
Wonder how he's going to get himself off........ rubschin:
-
Max Clifford charged with 11 counts of indecent assault.......
Wonder how he's going to get himself off........ rubschin:
happy002
-
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas........
Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.........
happy001
Be quick 3 of the 4 books have been coloured in.......
-
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas........
Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.........
happy001
Be quick 3 of the 4 books have been coloured in.......
tunble:
-
The George W. Bush Library opened today in Dallas, Texas........
Expect the Ray Charles Art Gallery any day now.........
happy001
Be quick 3 of the 4 books have been coloured in.......
tunble:
happy001 all the above
-
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You SHIT the bed!"
-
happy001
-
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You SHIT the bed!"
lol: lol: lol:
-
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You SHIT the bed!"
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
the Cock-Roache (http://postimg.org/image/540opr6c3/)
-
the Cock-Roache (http://postimg.org/image/540opr6c3/)
AFFS twice......
-
My boss was very understanding when I told her I would be off work because of a serious operation......
Until I told her it was Yewtree...
-
My boss was very understanding when I told her I would be off work because of a serious operation......
Until I told her it was Yewtree...
happy001
-
My boss was very understanding when I told her I would be off work because of a serious operation......
Until I told her it was Yewtree...
lol: lol: lol:
-
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill......
I thought, "He's pushing his luck.".......
-
I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day.
"What's for dinner?" he barked.
"Chicken at 1 o'clock" said the nurse,
so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite......
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
Should you have put this in "The Commons", BM?
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
Should you have put this in "The Commons", BM?
. . . . only if he bought it on expenses
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
Should you have put this in "The Commons", BM?
;D ;D
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
happy001 happy001 noooo:
-
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill......
I thought, "He's pushing his luck.".......
I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day.
"What's for dinner?" he barked.
"Chicken at 1 o'clock" said the nurse,
so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite......
FF's where did you find these... noooo:
-
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert.
Should you have put this in "The Commons", BM?
evil:
-
So... Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
So... Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally he whipped his cock out and started 'cracking one off' -
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
-
So... Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally he whipped his cock out and started 'cracking one off' -
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
lol:
-
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.......
-
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.......
drumroll: drumroll:
-
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.......
drumroll: drumroll:
And my mate Gordon Morgan hates Germany........ noooo:
-
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.......
drumroll: drumroll:
And my mate Gordon Morgan hates Germany........ noooo:
But Phil Dank is always polite there.
-
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.......
happy001
-
My local Chinese restaurant is short-staffed.......... redface:
-
My local Chinese restaurant is short-staffed.......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
When one door closes, another one opens.
I fucking hate having OCD...........
-
When one door closes, another one opens.
I fucking hate having OCD...........
lol: lol: lol:
-
When one door closes, another one opens.
I fucking hate having OCD...........
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol:
-
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
-
tunble:
Must try that on Foggy rubschin:
-
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
-
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
lol: lol: lol:
-
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
lol:
-
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
lol: lol: lol:
-
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
lol: lol: lol:
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
Correct an AFFS Mr M ... lol:
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
lol:
I hadn't heard it before.... redface:
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
Correct an AFFS Mr M ... lol:
Shrugs:
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
Correct an AFFS Mr M ... lol:
When?
-
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
Correct an AFFS Mr M ... lol:
When?
I can't find it... whistle:
-
IIRC it's only an Affs it it has been posted before and I can't find it either
so
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
lol: lol: lol:
-
IIRC it's only an Affs it it has been posted before and I can't find it either
so
”I was walking down the high street yesterday and a bloke threw a load of grated cheese in my face…I thought how dairy”
Prolly AFFS, but it made I larf . . . .
lol: lol: lol:
AFFS! cussing:
-
8) Don't you need to be getting Tena pads for MeMi
-
8) Don't you need to be getting Tena pads for MeMi
She needs some of these ...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2Fff9djds1n%2Fpads.jpg&hash=bd02c14a42543311de4e344e6d0a975e) (http://postimg.org/image/ff9djds1n/)
-
8) Don't you need to be getting Tena pads for MeMi
She needs some of these ...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2Fff9djds1n%2Fpads.jpg&hash=bd02c14a42543311de4e344e6d0a975e) (http://postimg.org/image/ff9djds1n/)
Can you get me a discount like...? rubschin:
-
My Deaf girlfriend told me to fuck off.
That's not a good Sign.......... noooo:
-
My Deaf girlfriend told me to fuck off.
That's not a good Sign.......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Bit of a late post, but see the Royal Mail is to be sold off.....
-
Bit of a late post, but see the Royal Mail is to be sold off.....
*groans *
-
My Deaf girlfriend told me to fuck off.
That's not a good Sign.......... noooo:
happy001
-
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please.".........
-
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please.".........
lol: lol: lol:
-
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please.".........
lol: lol: lol:
-
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please.".........
lol: lol: lol:
-
The very best definition of irony?
George Zimmerman is afraid to leave home, as he is worried someone might take the law into their own hands........... rubschin:
-
The very best definition of irony?
George Zimmerman is afraid to leave home, as he is worried someone might take the law into their own hands........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
The very best definition of irony?
George Zimmerman is afraid to leave home, as he is worried someone might take the law into their own hands........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
The very best definition of irony?
George Zimmerman is afraid to leave home, as he is worried someone might take the law into their own hands........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre today, so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation.
That didn’t work so I started pumping her chest.
It probably wasn’t the best time for a Tit Wank but what the hell... redface:
-
happy001
-
I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre today, so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation.
That didn’t work so I started pumping her chest.
It probably wasn’t the best time for a Tit Wank but what the hell... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre today, so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation.
That didn’t work so I started pumping her chest.
It probably wasn’t the best time for a Tit Wank but what the hell... redface:
happy001 happy001
-
My new years resolution was to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.
I've only got 30 pounds to go.
-
I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!
Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin. :thumbsup:
-
"Look, I've found a bottle of Cherry Coke with your name on it," I said to my son Litre.
-
"Look, I've found a bottle of Cherry Coke with your name on it," I said to my son Litre.
;D
-
My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee.
I said "Fuck off Dave, I've got to go to work."
-
I caught my wife hard at it with the window cleaner today.
I said to her, "What's the fucking point in paying him if you're gonna help clean the windows."
-
As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking...
I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.
-
My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee.
I said "Fuck off Dave, I've got to go to work."
lol: lol: lol:
-
As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking...
I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I just bumped into Bruce Forsyth without a wig on. To be fair he probably doesn't know I usually wear one.
-
I just bumped into Bruce Forsyth without a wig on. To be fair he probably doesn't know I usually wear one.
noooo:
-
My new years resolution was to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.
I've only got 30 pounds to go.
I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!
Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin. :thumbsup:
"Look, I've found a bottle of Cherry Coke with your name on it," I said to my son Litre.
I caught my wife hard at it with the window cleaner today.
I said to her, "What's the fucking point in paying him if you're gonna help clean the windows."
As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking...
I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
My new years resolution was to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.
I've only got 30 pounds to go.
I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!
Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin. :thumbsup:
"Look, I've found a bottle of Cherry Coke with your name on it," I said to my son Litre.
I caught my wife hard at it with the window cleaner today.
I said to her, "What's the fucking point in paying him if you're gonna help clean the windows."
As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking...
I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.
happy001 happy001 happy001
^^^ wot he said Thumbs: ^^^
-
My new years resolution was to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.
I've only got 30 pounds to go.
I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!
Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin. :thumbsup:
"Look, I've found a bottle of Cherry Coke with your name on it," I said to my son Litre.
I caught my wife hard at it with the window cleaner today.
I said to her, "What's the fucking point in paying him if you're gonna help clean the windows."
As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking...
I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.
happy001 happy001 happy001
^^^ wot he said Thumbs: ^^^
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.
-
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
happy001 happy001 happy001
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
happy002
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
happy002
happy002 happy002
-
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
-
I was on one of those price comparison websites earlier.
Apparently, £38 is a lot less than £102, and £14.50 is slightly more than £14.
-
tunble:
-
This is the Hat, coat... thread
Finger:
-
redface:
-
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
lol: lol: lol:
-
I was on one of those price comparison websites earlier.
Apparently, £38 is a lot less than £102, and £14.50 is slightly more than £14.
lol: lol: lol:
-
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.......... redface:
happy001 happy001
-
My boss told me I'm not allowed to say 'there's a new opening at work'.
I have to call her my secretary.......
-
My boss told me I'm not allowed to say 'there's a new opening at work'.
I have to call her my secretary.......
lol: lol: lol:
-
My boss told me I'm not allowed to say 'there's a new opening at work'.
I have to call her my secretary.......
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I just bought a load of clothes from an epilepsy charity shop.
I was dissapointed.........
They didn't fit........
-
I just bought a load of clothes from an epilepsy charity shop.
I was dissapointed.........
They didn't fit........
tunble:
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
noooo:
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
happy001
-
happy001 happy001
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
lol: lol: lol:
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
-
In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists, crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.
happy001 happy001
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
;D ;D
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
AFFS.... ::)
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
AFFS.... ::)
Where rubschin: (But I do remember Bernard Manning telling it a few years back)
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
AFFS.... ::)
Where rubschin: (But I do remember Bernard Manning telling it a few years back)
He's remembering a conversation with LL ;)
-
lol:
-
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won on the Lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won £10 , here's £5 - now fuck off!"
AFFS.... ::)
Where rubschin: (But I do remember Bernard Manning telling it a few years back)
He's remembering a conversation with LL ;)
happy001
-
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts..........
-
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts..........
AFFS lol: lol: lol:
-
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
happy001
-
‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.....
Could be a Chinese Wispa..........’
-
I listen to Radio 4 too whistle:
-
I listen to Radio 4 too whistle:
Thumbs:
-
I listen to Radio 4 too whistle:
Thumbs:
lol:
Still a good joke so someone had to post it so :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
-
I listen to Radio 4 too whistle:
Thumbs:
lol:
Still a good joke so someone had to post it so :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Thank you ...... Thumbs:
-
‘I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.....
Could be a Chinese Wispa..........’
It was on radio 2 at 5:20 this morning eeek:
-
This one wasn't on the fucking radio ....ok........
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm..........
-
This one wasn't on the fucking radio ....ok........
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm..........
and now you know why it wasn't on the radio
groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Banghead
-
This one wasn't on the fucking radio ....ok........
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm..........
tunble:
-
This one wasn't on the fucking radio ....ok........
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm..........
tunble: tunble:
-
This one wasn't on the fucking radio ....ok........
I thought I'd dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm..........
eeek: eeek: Shrugs:
-
from Spidey elsewhere (no not there)
I just failed my interview for a sales job. They asked me to describe what techniques I use to turn a "No" into a "Yes."
Apparently Rohypnol isn't an appropriate example.
-
from Spidey elsewhere (no not there)
I just failed my interview for a sales job. They asked me to describe what techniques I use to turn a "No" into a "Yes."
Apparently Rohypnol isn't an appropriate example.
lol: lol:
-
from Spidey elsewhere (no not there)
I just failed my interview for a sales job. They asked me to describe what techniques I use to turn a "No" into a "Yes."
Apparently Rohypnol isn't an appropriate example.
lol: lol: lol:
-
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”. "That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.”
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on.”
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay."
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
-
lol: lol: lol:
Some AFFS but I'll allow it.... whistle:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Did you know that you can actually TRIPLE the battery life on your smart phone by putting the fucking thing down..........
-
Did you know that you can actually TRIPLE the battery life on your smart phone by putting the fucking thing down..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Did you know that you can actually TRIPLE the battery life on your smart phone by putting the fucking thing down..........
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
-
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
lol: lol: lol:
(C) Dave Allen 1976
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
-
Banghead
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
happy001
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
lol: lol:
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
lol: happy002 happy001
-
I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.........
lol: lol: lol:
-
When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.....
If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.....
redface:
-
When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.....
If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.....
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.....
If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.....
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
“Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
“Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
“You can fuck off right off.”
-
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
“Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
“Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
“You can fuck off right off.”
lol: lol: lol:
-
When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.....
If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.....
redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
“Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
“Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
“You can fuck off right off.”
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
“Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
“Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
“You can fuck off right off.”
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
AFFS noooo:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
tunble:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
tunble:
tunble: tunble:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
tunble:
tunble: tunble:
sadsmiley30: sadsmiley30: sadsmiley30:
-
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise..........
redface: redface:
tunble:
tunble: tunble:
sadsmiley30: sadsmiley30: sadsmiley30:
sleep017 sleep017 sleep017
-
Irish news......
Cork man drowns........... rubschin:
-
Irish news......
Cork man drowns........... rubschin:
happy001
-
happy001 happy001
-
Irish news......
Cork man drowns........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Irish news......
Cork man drowns........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
They say time is a great healer.........
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long..........
-
They say time is a great healer.........
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
They say time is a great healer.........
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long..........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
angry041: angry041: angry041: angry041:
-
They say time is a great healer.........
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long..........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
They say time is a great healer.........
That's probably why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting so fucking long..........
lol:
-
I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
“Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
“Why? Because none of them have a sign saying ‘Fuck off back to your own country’. That’s why.”
-
I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
“Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
“Why? Because none of them have a sign saying ‘Fuck off back to your own country’. That’s why.”
happy002
-
I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
“Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
“Why? Because none of them have a sign saying ‘Fuck off back to your own country’. That’s why.”
lol: lol: lol:
-
Apparently Glen Campbell's got Alzheimer's. He's been getting cards and letters from people he don't even know.
-
Apparently Glen Campbell's got Alzheimer's. He's been getting cards and letters from people he don't even know.
happy001
but a bit sad too
-
Agreed, I didn't realise he actually had it until checking just now redface:
-
point:
-
Agreed, I didn't realise he actually had it until checking just now redface:
happy001
-
What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
Prince Andrew's never regretted getting rid of Fergie..........
-
What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
Prince Andrew's never regretted getting rid of Fergie..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
Prince Andrew's never regretted getting rid of Fergie..........
::)
-
So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.......
Bullshit, I watch Coronation Street and I'm not a paedophile........
-
So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.......
Bullshit, I watch Coronation Street and I'm not a paedophile........
happy001
-
So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.......
Bullshit, I watch Coronation Street and I'm not a paedophile........
lol: lol: lol:
-
So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.......
Bullshit, I watch Coronation Street and I'm not a paedophile........
lol: lol: lol:
-
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country..........
Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for........ redface:
-
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country..........
Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country..........
Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Is it right that gay men can marry each other now, yet I'm not legally allowed to marry my girlfriend, just because she's only seven years old?
Looks like we'll have to make do with a Savile partnership...............
-
Is it right that gay men can marry each other now, yet I'm not legally allowed to marry my girlfriend, just because she's only seven years old?
Looks like we'll have to make do with a Savile partnership...............
tunble:
-
Is it right that gay men can marry each other now, yet I'm not legally allowed to marry my girlfriend, just because she's only seven years old?
Looks like we'll have to make do with a Savile partnership...............
tunble:
Hat coat.......... cussing:
-
Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,
They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil......
They placed a black man in charge,
now it's run out of money and it's stopped working........
-
Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,
They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil......
They placed a black man in charge,
now it's run out of money and it's stopped working........
lol: lol: lol:
Wot is up wiv your eyes like....? rubschin:
-
Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,
They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil......
They placed a black man in charge,
now it's run out of money and it's stopped working........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
The moon landing is probably fake.
With no oil and innocent children to kill, why would the Americans go there?
-
The moon landing is probably fake.
With no oil and innocent children to kill, why would the Americans go there?
lol:
-
The moon landing is probably fake.
With no oil and innocent children to kill, why would the Americans go there?
lol: lol:
-
A body-builder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was sun tanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant.
"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat
-
A body-builder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was sun tanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant.
"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat
lol: lol: lol:
-
A major hurricane is about to hit India, so if anyone needs to call their bank or cable/internet company, do it soon.
-
A body-builder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was sun tanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant.
"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
A major hurricane is about to hit India, so if anyone needs to call their bank or cable/internet company, do it soon.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Prison is apparently only one star away from being a Butlins holiday camp....
I wonder who it will be.......... rubschin:
-
Prison is apparently only one star away from being a Butlins holiday camp....
I wonder who it will be.......... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Did Jimmy Saville ever go to Portugal? rubschin:
-
User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a
new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: OK, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: Pretty roses
Website: You must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: You cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1****ingprettyrose
Website: You must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1****INGprettyrose
Website: You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1****ingprettyrose
Website: You must use additional letters.
User: 1****ingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessright****ingnow
Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.
(Shamelessly nicked from elsewhere . . .)
-
AFFS cussing:
-
AFFS cussing:
DILLIGAF
-
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered
for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard
of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper." whistle:
-
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered
for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard
of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper." whistle:
lol:
-
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the Table to pick them up
he noticed Bob's wife, Marion, wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
£500. After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
/and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Marion told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Marion the agreed sum of £500 - they went
to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving,
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Marion answered 'Why yes,
he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
‘and did he give you £500?'
Marion, using her best poker face, replied,
'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon
on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Thumbs:
-
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the Table to pick them up
he noticed Bob's wife, Marion, wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
£500. After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
/and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Marion told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Marion the agreed sum of £500 - they went
to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving,
asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Marion answered 'Why yes,
he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
‘and did he give you £500?'
Marion, using her best poker face, replied,
'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon
on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Thumbs:
:thumbsup: happy001
-
Sir Alex Ferguson's book is impossible to read ... Just when you think you've reached the end, another 5 pages suddenly appear.
-
Sir Alex Ferguson's book is impossible to read ... Just when you think you've reached the end, another 5 pages suddenly appear.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Sir Alex Ferguson's book is impossible to read ... Just when you think you've reached the end, another 5 pages suddenly appear.
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
-
A pizza delivery driver has been stabbed to death after his last delivery....
Well it had to be, didn't it........... rubschin:
-
A pizza delivery driver has been stabbed to death after his last delivery....
Well it had to be, didn't it........... rubschin:
lol: lol:
-
A pizza delivery driver has been stabbed to death after his last delivery....
Well it had to be, didn't it........... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.........
For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt...........
-
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.........
For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt...........
happy001
-
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.........
For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt...........
lol: lol: lol:
-
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies........ redface:
-
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
I can almost hear Ronnie Barker reading it! Thumbs:
-
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
I can almost hear Ronnie Barker reading it! Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
I can almost hear Ronnie Barker reading it! Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies........ redface:
lol: lol: lol:
I can almost hear Ronnie Barker reading it! Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
Two directors were arguing about the use of children in a production. The first director wanted the children to blend into the forest as background, whereas the second director wanted to put the children into cow costumes......
I agreed with the first director, children should be scene and not herd....... redface:
-
Two directors were arguing about the use of children in a production. The first director wanted the children to blend into the forest as background, whereas the second director wanted to put the children into cow costumes......
I agreed with the first director, children should be scene and not herd....... redface:
tunble:
-
Two directors were arguing about the use of children in a production. The first director wanted the children to blend into the forest as background, whereas the second director wanted to put the children into cow costumes......
I agreed with the first director, children should be scene and not herd....... redface:
noooo: noooo: noooo:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
It's hat, coat......... cussing:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
-
BM once bought LL a dominatrix outfit..........
Also known as a wedding dress............ whistle:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
You got tickets....... rubschin:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
You got tickets....... rubschin:
Nope......Sold out. Thumbs:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
You got tickets....... rubschin:
Nope......Sold out. Thumbs:
The WI and donkey sanctuary had a block booking....
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
You got tickets....... rubschin:
Nope......Sold out. Thumbs:
The WI and donkey sanctuary had a block booking....
....purchased all four tickets. Thumbs:
-
* tears up ticket for stand-up night *
Quite so. Thumbs:
He is prolly going to do the Women's Institute night. noooo:
He might get a larf there like.... If they have been on the sherry..... noooo:
....and forget to replace the battery in their hearing aids.
... and they are all blind like....
...with the Alzheimer's group on a discount.
...and the gingers outing in the front row.... noooo:
....with his favourite donkey.
You got tickets....... rubschin:
Nope......Sold out. Thumbs:
The WI and donkey sanctuary had a block booking....
....purchased all four tickets. Thumbs:
happy001
-
The disaster in the Phillipines has left thousands homeless & hungry......
BBC reports that..........
"United States aid workers are flying in food"
"We want to help as much as possible" said one aid-worker from the cockpit of his Cornish pasty..........
-
The disaster in the Phillipines has left thousands homeless & hungry......
BBC reports that..........
"United States aid workers are flying in food"
"We want to help as much as possible" said one aid-worker from the cockpit of his Cornish pasty..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
The disaster in the Phillipines has left thousands homeless & hungry......
BBC reports that..........
"United States aid workers are flying in food"
"We want to help as much as possible" said one aid-worker from the cockpit of his Cornish pasty..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
The disaster in the Phillipines has left thousands homeless & hungry......
BBC reports that..........
"United States aid workers are flying in food"
"We want to help as much as possible" said one aid-worker from the cockpit of his Cornish pasty..........
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
-
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first..'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?'
-
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first..'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?'
lol: lol: lol:
-
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first..'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?'
lol: lol:
surrender:
-
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first..'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?'
happy001 happy001
-
I fell asleep on the settee with me mouth wide open last night. My daughter thought it was great fun to pop a hot teabag in there as I slept. I went bloody ballistic
Nobody treats me like a mug
-
tunble:
-
There's a reason it is in the Hat, coat thread Finger:
-
There's a reason it is in the Hat, coat thread Finger:
lol: lol:
-
Why was the Mummy Glow-worm unhappy sad24:
Because her children weren't that bright whistle:
-
Why was the Mummy Glow-worm unhappy sad24:
Because her children weren't that bright whistle:
noooo: opened the crackers early....... noooo:
-
Especially for Apey cloud9:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me on with everything ;D
-
Especially for Apey cloud9:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me on with everything ;D
Thumbs:
it was someone's tag-line on here....... rubschin:
-
Especially for Apey cloud9:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me on with everything ;D
Thumbs:
it was someone's tag-line on here....... rubschin:
I thought it was an AFFS.... rubschin:
-
Especially for Apey cloud9:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me on with everything ;D
Thumbs:
it was someone's tag-line on here....... rubschin:
I thought it was an AFFS.... rubschin:
Pastis......... Thumbs:
-
Especially for Apey cloud9:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me on with everything ;D
Thumbs:
it was someone's tag-line on here....... rubschin:
I thought it was an AFFS.... rubschin:
Pastis......... Thumbs:
Thumbs:
-
Talking to my Dad last night ..he was going on about remembering the days when you could bugger off and leave the doors open........
Had to remind him that was why he was sacked from the Herald of Free Enterprise.......... noooo:
-
Talking to my Dad last night ..he was going on about remembering the days when you could bugger off and leave the doors open........
Had to remind him that was why he was sacked from the Herald of Free Enterprise.......... noooo:
happy001
-
Talking to my Dad last night ..he was going on about remembering the days when you could bugger off and leave the doors open........
Had to remind him that was why he was sacked from the Herald of Free Enterprise.......... noooo:
lol: lol:
-
Talking to my Dad last night ..he was going on about remembering the days when you could bugger off and leave the doors open........
Had to remind him that was why he was sacked from the Herald of Free Enterprise.......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Talking to my Dad last night ..he was going on about remembering the days when you could bugger off and leave the doors open........
Had to remind him that was why he was sacked from the Herald of Free Enterprise.......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
An e-mail floods in... "Due to recent events, please delete pages 6 - 9, and 41 - 43 of this months "Phiilipino Brides Monthly"
-
An e-mail floods in... "Due to recent events, please delete pages 6 - 9, and 41 - 43 of this months "Phiilipino Brides Monthly"
;D ;D redface:
-
That Mingita was a looker too redface:
-
An e-mail floods in... "Due to recent events, please delete pages 6 - 9, and 41 - 43 of this months "Phiilipino Brides Monthly"
happy001
-
An e-mail floods in... "Due to recent events, please delete pages 6 - 9, and 41 - 43 of this months "Phiilipino Brides Monthly"
lol: lol: lol:
-
An e-mail floods in... "Due to recent events, please delete pages 6 - 9, and 41 - 43 of this months "Phiilipino Brides Monthly"
lol: lol: lol:
-
Ethiopia announced that it will ban pornography on the internet.........
That's a bit rich coming from a country that exposes the world to naked children every time a news camera is in the area.........
-
Ethiopia announced that it will ban pornography on the internet.........
That's a bit rich coming from a country that exposes the world to naked children every time a news camera is in the area.........
lol: lol: lol:
-
If my grandma knew how much I spent on her funeral she'd be spinning in her ditch............ noooo:
-
If my grandma knew how much I spent on her funeral she'd be spinning in her ditch............ noooo:
happy001
-
If my grandma knew how much I spent on her funeral she'd be spinning in her ditch............ noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
BM calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'.........
BM replies 'I don't know! It's your f**king plane!!'.............
-
BM calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'.........
BM replies 'I don't know! It's your f**king plane!!'.............
lol: lol: lol:
-
Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me get you one ! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men (spoilt for choice
and no doubt still clinging to inflated memories of their youth)
orders a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. In no time at all the landlord
serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."
The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."
They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them.
The drinks are excellent, yet it's costing less than £1 a round.
Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 20p a throw?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."
"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.>>
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman,
"With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"
The landlord says, "Simple. They're retired folk from Scotland.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when all drinks are half-price".
-
Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me get you one ! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men (spoilt for choice
and no doubt still clinging to inflated memories of their youth)
orders a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. In no time at all the landlord
serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."
The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."
They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them.
The drinks are excellent, yet it's costing less than £1 a round.
Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 20p a throw?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."
"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.>>
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman,
"With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"
The landlord says, "Simple. They're retired folk from Scotland.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when all drinks are half-price".
happy001
-
Four elderly gents are walking down a street in Manchester.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Pub - All drinks 20p."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old man behind the bar says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me get you one ! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men (spoilt for choice
and no doubt still clinging to inflated memories of their youth)
orders a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. In no time at all the landlord
serves up four martinis and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."
The four guys stare at him for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 80p, enjoy their martinis, then order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."
They pay up, but their curiosity is getting the better of them.
The drinks are excellent, yet it's costing less than £1 a round.
Finally one of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 20p a throw?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the landlord says, "and I always wanted to own a pub.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs 20p - that's Wine, spirits, liqueurs, beer - they're all the same."
"Wow! That's what I call sharing your good fortune!" one of the men replies.>>
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing several
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the men at the far end of the bar, one of the men asks the barman,
"With prices like yours, how come they're not drinking?"
The landlord says, "Simple. They're retired folk from Scotland.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when all drinks are half-price".
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I've been smoking cigarettes since 1990
Since then I've tried nicotine patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, gum and e-cigs, but to no avail........
Still, if the Government puts them in plain packaging I'll never touch another one.......... noooo:
should be in the commons...... rubschin:
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D could be a winner ........
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
happy001 Thumbs:
-
I've been smoking cigarettes since 1990
Since then I've tried nicotine patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, gum and e-cigs, but to no avail........
Still, if the Government puts them in plain packaging I'll never touch another one.......... noooo:
should be in the commons...... rubschin:
I think it should be.... lol:
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
lol: lol: noooo:
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
drumroll: doh:
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
drumroll: doh:
happy001 happy002
-
Warning... I'm going for the hat, coat, door post of the year with this one....
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, I can't believe gavisgon.
Classic lol: lol: lol:
-
Was in a pub in Glasgow last night and it was utter chaos, Smoke everywhere, People screaming. Fighting ,spilled beer and men trampling each other in a blind panic to be free........
Then to make matters worse a fucking helicopter crashed through the roof.....
-
Was in a pub in Glasgow last night and it was utter chaos, Smoke everywhere, People screaming. Fighting ,spilled beer and men trampling each other in a blind panic to be free........
Then to make matters worse a fucking helicopter crashed through the roof.....
lol: lol:
-
I don't know what the fuss is all about...
Boogs is from Scotland often leaves a Huey all over the pub floor on a Friday night !................ whistle:
-
lol: lol:
-
I thought the Cypriot police drank a lot....... noooo:
I guess even the Scottish police force couldn't help but drop into the bar when they were supposed to be at work.......... noooo:
-
I thought the Cypriot police drank a lot....... noooo:
I guess even the Scottish police force couldn't help but drop into the bar when they were supposed to be at work.......... noooo:
lol: noooo:
-
I thought the Cypriot police drank a lot....... noooo:
I guess even the Scottish police force couldn't help but drop into the bar when they were supposed to be at work.......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Shocking news unfolding on our TV screens right now from Glasgow.
Hundreds of Scots leaving a pub before last orders.
-
Shocking news unfolding on our TV screens right now from Glasgow.
Hundreds of Scots leaving a pub before last orders.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Shocking news unfolding on our TV screens right now from Glasgow.
Hundreds of Scots leaving a pub before last orders.
lol: lol: lol:
What a series of bad taste jokes
And all effin hilarious too thumbs:
happy001 happy001 happy001 embarrassed:
-
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
-
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
happy001
-
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
drumroll: drumroll:
-
;D ;D
-
Shocking news unfolding on our TV screens right now from Glasgow.
Hundreds of Scots leaving a pub before last orders.
lol: lol: lol:
-
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
happy001
lol: lol: lol:
-
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
-
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your ginger nuts.”
Personal experience, huh?
point:
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning..........
wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
-
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
No. 2 on the Tommy Cooper jokes like (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=128.msg900#msg900) whistle:
Six years and nearly seven months ago Shocked:
Who-TF was Jeremy? rubschin:
-
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning..........
wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
The interviewer asked, "So why didn't you take up fencing as an Olympic sport Tom, instead of diving?"
"Because I'm a shit stabber", said Tom.
-
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning..........
wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
The interviewer asked, "So why didn't you take up fencing as an Olympic sport Tom, instead of diving?"
"Because I'm a shit stabber", said Tom.
;D ;D
-
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning..........
wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
The interviewer asked, "So why didn't you take up fencing as an Olympic sport Tom, instead of diving?"
"Because I'm a shit stabber", said Tom.
Britain's top diver is definitely going to be in the Daley Male tomorrow morning.........
-
No. 2 on the Tommy Cooper jokes like (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=128.msg900#msg900) whistle:
Who-TF was Jeremy? rubschin:
Christ knows, but he can come back any time.
lol: lol: lol:
-
No. 2 on the Tommy Cooper jokes like (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=128.msg900#msg900) whistle:
Who-TF was Jeremy? rubschin:
Christ knows, but he can come back any time.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
I don't remember him at all.... rubschin:
-
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage
last night - but to be fair, the audience did try to warn him.
-
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage
last night - but to be fair, the audience did try to warn him.
Well he got a-lad-in........ whistle:
-
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage
last night - but to be fair, the audience did try to warn him.
Well he got a-lad-in........ whistle:
noooo: "Turn again Dick"
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
"He's inside you!!"
redface:
-
"He's inside you!!"
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
At least now, when we hear the commentator say, "that's a perfect entry by Tom Daley......... noooo:
-
At least now, when we hear the commentator say, "that's a perfect entry by Tom Daley......... noooo:
lol:
-
At least now, when we hear the commentator say, "that's a perfect entry by Tom Daley......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela, was asked what drew him to the role...........
He said, "Its apartheid always wanted"..........
-
Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela, was asked what drew him to the role...........
He said, "Its apartheid always wanted"..........
lol: lol: lol:
-
Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela, was asked what drew him to the role...........
He said, "Its apartheid always wanted"..........
::) ::) ::)
-
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".
"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"
"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
-
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".
"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"
"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".
"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"
"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
lol: lol: lol:
-
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies..........
Is that a trick question................... rubschin:
-
lol:
-
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies..........
Is that a trick question................... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies..........
Is that a trick question................... rubschin:
lol: lol:
-
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies..........
Is that a trick question................... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
The news today said one person is diagnosed with dementia every four seconds..........
That guy must have a really patient doctor......... rubschin:
-
The news today said one person is diagnosed with dementia every four seconds..........
That guy must have a really patient doctor......... rubschin:
lol: lol:
-
The North Korean state news agency has said that the executed uncle of Kim Jong-un was "Worse than a dog."
How bad did he taste ..... rubschin:
-
The North Korean state news agency has said that the executed uncle of Kim Jong-un was "Worse than a dog."
How bad did he taste ..... rubschin:
happy001
-
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
-
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
tunble:
-
I had some tests done at the hospital recently and the doctor phoned today with the results. I said to him, "So, is it good news or bad?"..........
He replied, "Well put it this way, have you ever considered visiting Disneyland?"
-
I had some tests done at the hospital recently and the doctor phoned today with the results. I said to him, "So, is it good news or bad?"..........
He replied, "Well put it this way, have you ever considered visiting Disneyland?"
lol:
-
Firefighters are said to be struggling to control the blaze at Chessington World of Adventures.........
You can't blame them. They have to park their fire engines half a mile away in a field, water costs £5 a litre, there's a one hour queue to get to the front and £3 to exit the field afterwards........... noooo:
-
Firefighters are said to be struggling to control the blaze at Chessington World of Adventures.........
You can't blame them. They have to park their fire engines half a mile away in a field, water costs £5 a litre, there's a one hour queue to get to the front and £3 to exit the field afterwards........... noooo:
happy001
-
I really hope I don,t get another sweater for Christmas.
I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer
-
I really hope I don,t get another sweater for Christmas.
I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer
lol: lol: lol:
-
I really hope I don,t get another sweater for Christmas.
I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer
Thumbs:
-
I really hope I don,t get another sweater for Christmas.
I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer
Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Tom Daley's classmates always said he would go down in history...........
And geography, and maths and English.......... noooo:
-
Tom Daley's classmates always said he would go down in history...........
And geography, and maths and English.......... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Tom Daley's classmates always said he would go down in history...........
And geography, and maths and English.......... noooo:
lol: lol:
-
While you are enjoying your christmas,
just spare a thought for all the knives currently being used as a screwdriver........
-
redface:
-
A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards......
-
A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards......
;D
-
A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards......
:thumbsup: Thumbs:
-
A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards......
lol: lol:
-
I am amazed that James Blunt has been overlooked in the New Years Honours list for his outstanding contribution to rhyming slang.......... rubschin:
-
I am amazed that James Blunt has been overlooked in the New Years Honours list for his outstanding contribution to rhyming slang.......... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
That is rather good lol: lol: lol:
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
That is rather good lol: lol: lol:
Fair Play , Old Trafford is a hard place to win a game of football.......
Just ask David Moyes.........
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
That is rather good lol: lol: lol:
Fair Play , Old Trafford is a hard place to win a game of football.......
Just ask David Moyes.........
Yes all those wins by other teams certainly puts Arsenal's loss there into perspective
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
That is rather good lol: lol: lol:
Fair Play , Old Trafford is a hard place to win a game of football.......
Just ask David Moyes.........
Yes all those wins by other teams certainly puts Arsenal's loss there into perspective
redface: cussing:
-
Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United........... whistle:
That is rather good lol: lol: lol:
Fair Play , Old Trafford is a hard place to win a game of football.......
Just ask David Moyes.........
Yes all those wins by other teams certainly puts Arsenal's loss there into perspective
redface: cussing:
point:
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I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today..........
It's called Mike and Merk...........
-
I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today..........
It's called Mike and Merk...........
Is it a rock number or more hippy?
-
I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today..........
It's called Mike and Merk...........
Is it a rock number or more hippy?
drumroll:
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I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today..........
It's called Mike and Merk...........
Is it a rock number or more hippy?
happy001
-
I was listening to the German version of Jack and Jill today..........
It's called Mike and Merk...........
Is it a rock number or more hippy?
lol: lol: lol:
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lol: lol: lol: lol:
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
lol:
-
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
lol: lol: lol:
-
My son won a spelling competition at school..........
The prize was a family weekend at Center Parcs............. rubschin:
-
My son won a spelling competition at school..........
The prize was a family weekend at Center Parcs............. rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
An Indian friend of mine has started a Status Quo tribute band with three retards.............
Down's, Down's, Deepak and Down's.................. redface:
-
An Indian friend of mine has started a Status Quo tribute band with three retards.............
Down's, Down's, Deepak and Down's.................. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
It's the way you tell em! Thumbs:
-
An Indian friend of mine has started a Status Quo tribute band with three retards.............
Down's, Down's, Deepak and Down's.................. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
So, in 1965, when Bill Roache dragged you into the toilets and raped you, you didn't struggle, or scream?
"I did, I yelled Help! I need somebody, heeeelp!"
And what happened?
"About 4 or 5 people sang along"
redface:
-
lol:
-
So, in 1965, when Bill Roache dragged you into the toilets and raped you, you didn't struggle, or scream?
"I did, I yelled Help! I need somebody, heeeelp!"
And what happened?
"About 4 or 5 people sang along"
redface:
;D ;D ;D
-
So, in 1965, when Bill Roache dragged you into the toilets and raped you, you didn't struggle, or scream?
"I did, I yelled Help! I need somebody, heeeelp!"
And what happened?
"About 4 or 5 people sang along"
redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
West Brom's shirt sponsor Zoopla are cancelling their deal at the end of the season.............
Well they were Jew a new sponsor......... redface:
-
West Brom's shirt sponsor Zoopla are cancelling their deal at the end of the season.............
Well they were Jew a new sponsor......... redface:
West Brom were disappointed there were no pullovers.
-
West Brom's shirt sponsor Zoopla are cancelling their deal at the end of the season.............
Well they were Jew a new sponsor......... redface:
West Brom were disappointed there were no pullovers.
They just got a card again........... redface:
-
West Brom's shirt sponsor Zoopla are cancelling their deal at the end of the season.............
Well they were Jew a new sponsor......... redface:
West Brom were disappointed there were no pullovers.
noooo:
They just got a card again........... redface:
-
West Brom's shirt sponsor Zoopla are cancelling their deal at the end of the season.............
Well they were Jew a new sponsor......... redface:
West Brom were disappointed there were no pullovers.
drumroll:
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I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
-
I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
happy001
-
I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
happy001
lol: lol: lol:
-
I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I have just read that the cast of "12 years a slave" are expected to clean up at the OSCARS........
I'm glad to see that some things never change................. Thumbs:
happy002
-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex Condoms.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex Condoms.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
;D ;D
-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex Condoms.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
;D ;D
happy002
-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex Condoms.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
;D ;D ;D
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
I thought the boss was gonna turn up, take the condom off him, and tell him to drop his kecks and bend over
-
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"
-
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"
;D ;D redface:
-
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"
;D ;D redface:
lol: lol: lol:
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
I thought the boss was gonna turn up, take the condom off him, and tell him to drop his kecks and bend over
Me too........... redface:
-
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex Condoms.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.
She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.
The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
lol: lol: lol:
-
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"
lol: lol: lol: lol:
-
I've just looked through the television guide and there's nothing much on tonight.
I think I'll ask the wife if she fancies an early headache.
-
BUNGEE JUMPING
£25 per person
Scousers FREE
No strings attached.
-
lol: lol: lol:
-
I've just looked through the television guide and there's nothing much on tonight.
I think I'll ask the wife if she fancies an early headache.
lol:
-
BUNGEE JUMPING
£25 per person
Scousers FREE
No strings attached.
lol: lol:
-
I've just looked through the television guide and there's nothing much on tonight.
I think I'll ask the wife if she fancies an early headache.
lol:
lol: lol: lol:
-
BUNGEE JUMPING
£25 per person
Scousers FREE
No strings attached.
lol: lol:
happy001
-
David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers, Danny Shittu signs for Tottenham.
-
David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers, Danny Shittu signs for Tottenham.
lol: lol: lol: lol: Thumbs:
-