everyone ready for tomorrow's horrors?
No? Well here's a plan someone sent me
HOW TO BE BRITISH IN A HEATWAVE.
When the thermostat is somewhere between 'What the fresh fuck' and THE 7TH CIRCLE OF HELL, there's a certain etiquette we must follow...
- Instead of "GOOD MORNING" we're now bound by law to greet each other with "I couldn't fuckin sleep... could you fuckin sleep?!"
- Remember to say "It's the HUMIDITY..." every 3.4 seconds or you will cease to fucking be.
- Scour your Weather app until you can confidently declare something like 'It's hotter here than Ibiza!'
- DO NOT under any circumstances apply Sun cream that you have bought THIS YEAR.
It must be leftover sun cream from the last freak heatwave or from the depths of deepest darkest Benidorm 3 years ago.
- Remember while applying it that sun cream goes out of date.
- Wear it anyway and hope for the best.
- Get burnt and blame the fucking sun cream.
- DONT even THINK about going anywhere in the car without first taking a photo of the dashboard temperature and uploading it to social media.
- Gather your entire extended family, friends, neighbours, him from 2 doors down with the big ginger cat that parks it's bumfruit in your garden, maybe the cat too... and head to the BEACH!
- Recoil in disgust at how many people went to the fucking beach.
- BBQ everything within a 30 mile radius.
- Apologise for your legs being SO WHITE they reflect the sun and are a danger to air traffic everywhere.
- Whisper solemnly that "there's just no fucking air..."
- Most importantly though... ENJOY IT!!
But also, brace yourself for snow.
Probably!!..
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(yes I did spot the apostrophe faux pas)
