The Virtual Pub

 

The teacher  gave her year five class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a  story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and,  one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the  regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the  teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes miss. My  daddy told me a story about my mummy. She was a RAF pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,  and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't  break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi  troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,  killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed  the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the  horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this  horrible story?

“Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been  drinking."

 

The latest batch...

A woman had been on the game for years and finally settled down to get married . She was worried about the size of her 'bits' , so decided she would tell her new husband that she had caught it while cllimbing over a fence .
While making love with her new husband on their wedding night she thought evertyhing was going well until he asked ...
......Darling . How far across the field did you get before you realised you were snagged on the fence ?


The dog ran off tonight . I walked around the park looking for him for 20 minutes then gave up and went home without him . The missus said I should go out looking harder ...So I shaved my head and got a tattoo . Still couldn't find the dog though .


Whats all this about women been able to multi-task ? I just told the wife to sit down and shut up . Can she manage it ? Can she f**k.


I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .


Thought for the day . Who picks up guide-dog poo ?


What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?
Iron Man is a superhero . Iron Woman is simply an instruction .


Investigations underway by the RSPCA after 11 donkeys from Liverpool were slaughtered in Blackpool.


What's the difference between Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish ? Fook all by the looks of it .


I braked hard but still hit the car in front . A cute little blonde got out of the car i'd hit and said ' Ram me up the arris why don't ya ' . And that your honour is where the confusion began .


Bloke walks into the VP and orders two double vodkas . Barman asks if he has a bad day .
Bloke says 'Yeah . Just found out my younger brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for four double vodkas .
Barman enquires what's gone wrong this time .
Bloke says 'Just found out my elder brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for six double vodkas .
Barman says ' FKinell . Does anyone in your family like women?' .
To which the bloke replies ' Yes . My wife does' .


Bloke has an accident with a shotgun and gets a severe groin injury . After surgery the doctor tells him that although they have managed to salvage his penis there are still some problems with it ,and that he is going to refer him to his sister .
Bloke asks ' Is she a plastic surgeon ? ' .
Doc replies ' No . She plays the flute . She can teach you where to place your fingers so you can pi55 out of what's left' .


Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'


A girl calls her mother and says "Mum, I'm getting a divorce".
"Why?" the mother asks, shocked.
"Mum, all he ever wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece".
The mother says "Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Marbella, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?"


A Scouser went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them his Dad's old shotgun and Gamekeeper's bag.
Peter Jones said "and what's your idea?"
He replied "It's a simple concept, Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag"

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"     
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband  comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband  comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it  in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  bed and is a sleep."     

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and  reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my  husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" 



The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"     
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband  comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband  comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it  in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to  bed and is a sleep."     

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and  reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my  husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and  swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" 



The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"