http://armyofdave.com/2010/05/05/the-army-of-dave-guide-to-voting-etiquette/ 
It?s best to think of Polling Day like ?The X-Factor? Final, but with the added disappointment of the winning act?s single stuck on constant loop for the next five years.
People have registered in record numbers, meaning that there will be many more first time voters. With this in mind, I?ve compiled this guide to the voting process to help the newbies deal with the often confusing process ahead.
First, there WILL be old people. This cannot be avoided. They are placed there by the parties in order to drive home the futility of existence and break your spirit. Do not be swayed. Engage them in a conversation about cake or Tommy Steele when presenting your polling card.
If Nick Robinson is outside the polling station making a live broadcast, it is considered good luck in many cultures to rub his bald spot.
If you?ve got around the OAPs and not been beaten up by a BBC researcher, you will be presented with a ballot paper and invited to enter the polling booth. Once there, I prefer to sing ?Jerusalem? to myself in a rich baritone to create the right air of solemnity.
It is traditional to mark your ballot paper with a cross (If you are voting for the BNP this is also known as ?your signature?) against the name of your chosen candidate, but writing ?LOL?, ?<Your Name> Likes This? or drawing a smiley face are also acceptable.
If you are considering voting tactically, you are required by law to shout ?You sunk my battleship!? at the top of your voice while in the booth.
Leave the pencil behind. This isn?t fucking Argos.
Fold your ballot paper (I prefer to make mine into an origami swan) and place it in the ballot box along with any loose change you may have.
Run to the pub and reflect on what you have done. Practice the phrase ?It?s not my fault. I didn?t vote for them.?
Finally, if you ask yourself the question ?What would Simon Cowell do?? rip your ballot paper up and return it to a grown up stating ?I?m too fucking stupid to be allowed this important responsibility?.
Happy voting!
