They told me last week that they had "not received" the THW's Application for EMA to cover her sixteen to eighteen years old Further Education. The Application is supported by her "original Birth Cert" no copies allowed plus evidence of our household income with supporting bank statements. The Application has details of her age, address, full names, college she is attending, days/times of attendance, bank account number, bank sort code and her signature. In addition they also demand that the same form has the signatures of both parents together with contact details and evidence of household income. Unsurprisingly I sent this package of sensitive information by "Special Delivery" (Registered post no longer exists it seems). This means that the date, time and place of posting is recorded and the item is signed for at each stage of its journey.
When we did not receive an acknowledgement (as per their instructions) within 14 days I 'phoned them to be told "It can take three weeks" ...... "So why do your guidance notes say to 'phone after 14 days?" ..... "Dunno but it can take up to three weeks, call back next week"
So next week came and I 'phoned again ~ new person to whom I have to explain my mission all over again.
"And you say this was posted three weeks ago?"
"Yes on the 28th August, Bar Code number xxxxxxxxxxxx"
You are supposed to call if you don't get an acknowledgement letter within two weeks"
"I did but was told to call again after three weeks as this is, apparently, how long it takes you to deal with incoming mail"
"Dunno who told you that, anyway we've no record of receiving it"
"That's interesting because I checked with Royal Mail Track and Trace on-line before I called you. They say it has been delivered"
"Can't have been, we'd have a record. I look into it and call you back"
48 hours later I ring them
A different call centre operative
"Hello, Mr Snoopy here, now then about this application you said you can't find"
"Are you the student?"
"No, I'm her father"
"What's the reference number then"
"I don't know "
"It's on the acknowledgement we sent the student"
"How can you say that when you don't even know the student's name because I haven't given to you it yet. Anyway the problem is that you haven't sent an acknowledgement with a reference number because, according to your colleague called James, you have never received the application"
"I don't know any James"
"That is irrelevant, I will give you all the details and you tap at your keyboard and give me the answers OK?"
"Yeah awright"
"Fine, now to start with what do I call you?"
"Jimmy"
"
I thought you said ....... Oh forget it. My daughter's name is and we sent etc etc etc"
"Hang on, I'm putting you on hold so I can go into the right screen"...............
.........................................
.........................................
"You still there Mr Snoopy?"
"Indeed I am Jimmy, waiting with bated breath"
"Wot?"
"Nothing old horse, merely me being whimsical ..... So what did you find?"
"We've never received it"
"That isn't what the Royal Mail says"
"Can't help that, our system says we've never seen it"
"Look Jimmy, we can go on like this forever. I have proof of posting and of delivery so your office has received the application and supporting documents"
"I'll get a search done ..... Can you call back tomorrow?"
"Yes, thank you, goodbye"
Following Day:
A different call centre operative called Sandy
"Hello, Mr Snoopy here, now then about this application you said you can't find"
"Are you the student?"
"No, I'm her father"
"What's the reference number"
"I don't know "
"It's on the acknowledgement we sent the student"
"Ah there's the nub of the problem ..... you haven't sent an acknowledgement with a reference number because, according to your colleague called Jimmy, you have never received the application. He was going to request a search and said I should call back today""
"I don't know any Jimmy"
"That is irrelevant, I will give you all the details and you tap at your keyboard and give me the answers OK?"
(Sound familiar to you too?)Details duly given
Much tapping of keyboard and heavy sighing picked up by her headset
"No sign of anything under your daughter's name"
"Why am I not surprised by that information ~ what about the search?"
"What search?"
"The search I told you Jimmy was going to request yesterday"
"Oh, hang on ...................
.....................sigh...........
tap,tappitytap, tap ... sigh ...............
..... Nuffink here about a search"
"OK Let's start again then .... My daughter's application was sent to you by special delivery on blah blah blah etc"
"Right, I got all that. Do you know who signed for it?"
"Looking at the Royal Mail Track and Trace I would say the signature they are showing on my screen reads YYSSXXYY"
"Hang on I'll look it up myself ...... Hmmmm I can't see YYSSXXYY, it's a funny looking signature"
"Yes, I thought that and then I realised that the signature was obtained on one of those hand held electronic thingies they carry now and the screen shot is actually upside down. I've printed it off and turned it round and it says YYSSXXYY"
"That's clever of you, hang on" Sound of large person heaving themselves off a chair, I imagine her craning her neck round to peer upside down at her screen, there is audible heavy breathing then the sound of an office chair taking a considerable strain, "You know I think you're right, can't say as that's a name I know though"
"Probably not but you do have a lot of staff and two inward mail sorting rooms don't you?"
"Oh somebody told you that did they?"
"Yes, so what are we going to do about it?"
"I'll request a search for you"
"I'm not lost"
"Sorreeeee?"
"Nothing dear, will you call me or should I call you?"
"Best I call you"
Fine ... Tomorrow?"
"Yes"
Of course no call back occurs.
Repeat above on Thursday and Friday of last week with Jools and then with Daniel
Daniel seemed the brightest of the lot and was impressed with my patience and the fact that I had not only been back to Royal Mail but had extracted from them everything except the postman's inside leg measurement. I supplied Daniel with the name of the person who signed for the package, the office address that he worked at, the date and time of the delivery (31st August at 0906 hrs at the Glasgow office signed for by YYSSXXYY)
"Great" he said "I escalate this up to management for a proper search, my extension is XXXX, if you don't hear by Tuesday afternoon ring me."
Which brings me to today when I rang and they could not connect me to the extension which they said isn't one of theirs (They are on a 0845 number and thus you don't get a switchboard but "the next available operative" who, I discover today, could be in any one of 4 different cities) however the helpful girl I did get said "I'll pass you to Danny" ..... who turned out to be the porridge wog referred to earlier and not the Daniel I sought .... of whom nobody has ever heard, despite my having talked to him once on Thursday evening and twice on Friday.
The saga continues. Popcorn is available in the foyer.
