Actual answers given to Larry Gogan on the Irish version of FAMILY
FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) W hat is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8. ) As happy as. . . . (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in shyte
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers. A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine. A bicycle
with wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Shits in the flowers
18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls ? A roof
25) Something Slippery ? A conman
26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29) A famous Scotsman? Jock
30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. " She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose. "
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze. " "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it. "
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully. "
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little JOHNNY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fu*king beautiful
Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Phone answering machine message - ". . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key. . . "
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts. "
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high. "
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week. . . and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it. "
11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. " "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual. "
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down. " "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. " "How's that?" "Don't you start. "
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff. . . boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it. '
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. " The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine. ' So that was nice. "
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that. "
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. "
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh-I know. " He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have. "
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please. "
Contestant: "Brian. "
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes. "
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married. "
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please. "
Brian: "Sara. "
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me. "
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work. "
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me. "
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning. "
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. "
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well. . . "
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes. "
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake. "
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice. "
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well. . . "
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks. . . "
DJ: "Uh huh. . . "
Brian: ". . . and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time. "
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. "
Brian: "On the kitchen table. "
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. "
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"( touch tones. . . . . ringing. . . . )
Clerk: "Kinkos. "
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she. "
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now. "
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo. . . do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No. "
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest. "
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes. "
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian. . . . uh, this morning before Brian went to work. "
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning. "
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe. "
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes. "
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey. "
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well. . . "
DJ: Come on Sarah. . . . . where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the ass. . . . . "
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
