Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 365505 times)

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Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #120 on: October 12, 2010, 07:08:33 AM »
Excellent. I have copied for future use (somewhere)  Shrugs: (Didn't see a copyright attached)

It will prolly be in Snoopy's next parish magazine anyhoo... ;)

 rubschin:


36 pages don't fill themselves you know
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Offline Tipsy Gipsy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #121 on: October 14, 2010, 07:45:05 PM »
The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!
It's better than I ever even knew.  They say that the world was built for two.  Only worth living if somebody is loving you.  Baby now you do.

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #122 on: October 16, 2010, 11:44:27 AM »
> SCHOOL 1960 vs. 2010
>
>
>
> Scenario:
> Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
>
> 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
> friends.
>
> 2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault,
> both
> expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger
> management
> programmes for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying
> prevention programs . Mark accused of being a rascist
>
> Scenario :
> Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
>
> 1960 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Master.
> Returns
> to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
>
> 2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
> ADD
> .
> Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra
> funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
>
> Scenario :
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a
> whipping
> with his belt.
>
> 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
> and
> becomes a successful businessman.
>
> 2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
> care and
> joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
> be
> ing
> abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
>
>
> Scenario :
> Mark has a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
>
> 1960 - Mark gets glass of water from his teacher to take aspirin with.
>
> 2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. His
> house
> is searched for drugs and weapons.
>
>
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Bonfire Night, puts them in
> a
> model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.
>
> 1960 - Ants die.
>
> 2010- Police Force, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with
> domestic
> terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
> computers
> confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
> to fly again.
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
> crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
>
> 1960 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
>
> 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
> faces 3
> years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .

Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #123 on: October 16, 2010, 11:46:24 AM »
Where is The Affs when you need him?
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #124 on: October 16, 2010, 12:31:40 PM »
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Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #125 on: October 16, 2010, 12:33:49 PM »
 happ096
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #126 on: October 22, 2010, 06:44:59 AM »
A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #127 on: October 22, 2010, 06:48:29 AM »
The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #128 on: October 22, 2010, 07:01:15 AM »
The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #129 on: October 22, 2010, 08:18:04 AM »
 lol: lol:

Those two are being forwarded
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #130 on: October 25, 2010, 09:12:31 AM »
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her

parents’ home.

I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail;
Lobster; Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “But my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"...


Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #131 on: October 25, 2010, 06:05:10 PM »
APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500.  They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


 



'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment .  I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:


 



'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady... !! 

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #132 on: October 26, 2010, 03:50:28 AM »
 whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:
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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #133 on: October 27, 2010, 12:01:59 AM »
whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:

Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #134 on: October 27, 2010, 04:05:54 AM »
whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again....  redface:

Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!

You need to stop sucking down that scrumpy in Pafos every night then!  ;)
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