The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 10:11:02 AM

Title: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 10:11:02 AM: There I am pootling up and down the pool this morning, minding my own business. Two women get in and proceed to swim straight towards me. Never mind that I was using the lane already.

I do get a “sorry” from one of them as she nearly crashes into me. ::)

There is plenty of room further along but no, they have to swim in the same lane as me. It’s not the first time either and it’s always women who do it, the blokes never do.

And they continue to chatter as they swim. noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on March 31, 2011, 10:12:58 AM: One can always live in hope that by talking the whole time they'll drown.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM: You were obviously in the wrong lane Uncle ...simples ;)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM: Get a harpoon gun eveilgrin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 10:16:35 AM: Why do men have to cause such a rumpus when they swim in the pool evil:

Especially the more competent swimmers . A simple, efficient stroke through the water is not enough , they have to really feckin splash and ensure they swamp people in the next lane as a bare minimum evil:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on March 31, 2011, 10:17:58 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM
You were obviously in the wrong lane Uncle ...simples ;)

I get that problem on motorways .... Middle lane should be reserved for those of us with grey hair. I tried the fast lane once. Toddling along at a steady 90mph and bugger me if there wasn't a car with a blue light that wanted to overtake me. ::)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 10:22:13 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM
Get a harpoon gun eveilgrin:
Harpoons are frowned on at the pool.

There was woman last week who had enough blubber to keep the Japanese whaling fleet busy for a week. I saw her after in the spa. I'm still trying to work out how she managed the turnstile from the pool area to the health spa. rubschin:

To cap it all to "John the nutter" was in the spa this morning. noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 10:23:51 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM
You were obviously in the wrong lane Uncle ...simples ;)

Obviously.

Nothing to do with them being stupid bints who think of no-one but themselves.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 10:24:47 AM: Now you're not communting ( spelt intentionally) you still need to get your quota of the general pubic ( see earlier) to give you something to make you feel better about yourself.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 10:27:00 AM: Good point.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 10:39:34 AM: We have an 'anti-clockwise' code which still doesn't prevent some from going round the other way ::)

One female whale (should that be Fe-whale?) was doing a stroke that made her go up and down a lot with very little forward motion whacky115
As for the big splash crawl merchants... noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:42:39 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 10:24:47 AM
Now you're not communting ( spelt intentionally) you still need to get your quota of the general pubic ( see earlier) to give you something to make you feel better about yourself.
rubschin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 10:43:40 AM: You have to love the anti - clockwise non working system noooo: .

Then you have those that have obviously made the wrong land choice ...usually between the slow lane and the middle lane .

They opt for the slow which looks less busy. But those 2 or 3 people in it are actually random beings of a non swimming nature and so bozo who is trying to whip up and down the lanes through the middle gets more and more frustrated at their lack of a straight tracheotomy lol:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 31, 2011, 11:44:53 AM: Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 10:39:34 AM
We have an 'anti-clockwise' code which still doesn't prevent some from going round the other way

Are they doing backstroke? rubschin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on March 31, 2011, 03:40:21 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM
Get a harpoon gun eveilgrin:

Music to my ears, we can now add to our exclusive collection the.....Bintpoon.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2011, 04:06:48 PM: Quote from: Miss Creant on March 31, 2011, 03:40:21 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:14:16 AM
Get a harpoon gun eveilgrin:

Music to my ears, we can now add to our exclusive collection the.....Bintpoon.

**cough** BintPoon^TM whistle:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 04:10:35 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 31, 2011, 11:44:53 AM
Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 10:39:34 AM
We have an 'anti-clockwise' code which still doesn't prevent some from going round the other way

Are they doing backstroke? rubschin:

Good point! ;) I'll check next time whistle:

Plus... whilst I think of it evil: ... You do NOT need to wear perfume when you go swimmin'. The wafts of deodorant coming from the changing room are quite enough to put up with noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2011, 04:15:54 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 04:10:35 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 31, 2011, 11:44:53 AM
Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 10:39:34 AM
We have an 'anti-clockwise' code which still doesn't prevent some from going round the other way

Are they doing backstroke? rubschin:

Good point! ;) I'll check next time whistle:

Plus... whilst I think of it evil: ... You do NOT need to wear perfume when you go swimmin'. The wafts of deodorant coming from the changing room are quite enough to put up with noooo:

Gayers... noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 04:44:27 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 04:10:35 PM
You do NOT need to wear perfume when you go swimmin'.

I forgot that one. noooo:

And you CAN get your hair wet.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 05:00:45 PM: and you can move out the way if you are just 'resting' ...you don't actually have to stand in the middle and obstruct everybody evil:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 05:15:07 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:00:45 PM
and you can move out the way if you are just 'resting' ...you don't actually have to stand in the middle and obstruct everybody evil:

Stand in the middle? eeek: Were you in the learner pool? ;)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on March 31, 2011, 05:21:02 PM: Minimus simply dives under their legs and as he surfaces says "Gerrout the fvcking way" ~ Pretty good for a ten year old I feel.

Minor tells him off for it ..... his method of choice is to bellow "INCOMING!" and swim straight into them. When they remonstrate with him he tells them he can't see them clearly without his glasses on and smiles winningly.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 05:23:33 PM: Excellent
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 05:29:01 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 05:15:07 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:00:45 PM
and you can move out the way if you are just 'resting' ...you don't actually have to stand in the middle and obstruct everybody evil:

Stand in the middle? eeek: Were you in the learner pool? ;)

lol:

Stand in the middle at the end of the lane is wot I did mean like redface:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 05:30:55 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:29:01 PM
Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 05:15:07 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:00:45 PM
and you can move out the way if you are just 'resting' ...you don't actually have to stand in the middle and obstruct everybody evil:

Stand in the middle? eeek: Were you in the learner pool? ;)

lol:

Stand in the middle at the end of the lane is wot I did mean like redface:

I like to see Minimus dive under their legs then. eveilgrin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on March 31, 2011, 05:34:26 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2011, 05:30:55 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:29:01 PM
Quote from: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 05:15:07 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 31, 2011, 05:00:45 PM
and you can move out the way if you are just 'resting' ...you don't actually have to stand in the middle and obstruct everybody evil:

Stand in the middle? eeek: Were you in the learner pool? ;)

lol:

Stand in the middle at the end of the lane is wot I did mean like redface:

I like to see Minimus dive under their legs then. eveilgrin:

lol:

He has been known to come up beneath them and topple them over as he kicks up off the bottom of the pool and catches them full in the crotch with his head. He is an naughty boy.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on March 31, 2011, 05:37:46 PM: Diving is strictly verboten in our pool. Mind you at the time of the morning I go everyone seems content to slide gently down the steps and into the water surrender:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on March 31, 2011, 05:39:39 PM: Small, well spoken, even when using bad words, little boys can get away with almost anything as long as they smile sweetly.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on March 31, 2011, 08:40:01 PM: Ditto small gerls.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 08:43:33 PM: Tipsy is an potty mouth noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: beerhead on March 31, 2011, 09:22:33 PM: It must be dreadful to have to share your pool with other people. Tell me what it feels like !
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 09:23:28 PM: Define "it".
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Just One More on March 31, 2011, 09:25:01 PM: Quote from: beerhead on March 31, 2011, 09:22:33 PM
It must be dreadful to have to share your pool with other people. Tell me what it feels like !

Even too smug for the smug club ;)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on March 31, 2011, 09:25:53 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2011, 09:23:28 PM
Define "it".

A cousin of sorts?
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 09:27:35 PM: Quote from: beerhead on March 31, 2011, 09:22:33 PM
It must be dreadful to have to share your pool with other people. Tell me what it feels like !
lol:

It feels like you can swim 50 lengths and actually have exercised rather than walking round a kidney shaped pit just to cool off from the blazing sun sad32:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: beerhead on March 31, 2011, 09:27:35 PM: I share with the Latin Lovely, immediate family and invited guests. Heavenly only knows what diseases are available in a public pool !
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:04:20 PM: Always best to keep diseases within the clan, I say. Like they do in Norfolk.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 31, 2011, 10:14:45 PM: Quote from: beerhead on March 31, 2011, 09:27:35 PM
I share with the Latin Lovely, immediate family and invited guests. Heavenly only knows what diseases are available in a public pool !

I'd rather be left ignorant ( Nick is bound to be in with a comment on that faster than he can click off his freaks site ) lol:

Really is gruesome when you think about it noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2011, 10:16:32 PM: angel1
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 01, 2011, 07:20:28 PM: Kidney shaped pool?

I went to see Johnny Weissmuller's pool in Acapulco; it was sort of cirrhosis of the liver shaped whistle:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:09:04 PM: Another contrary direction female this morning ::) . She collided with 3 others that I saw - including me eveilgrin:

She received a whistle (yellow card) and a verbal warning and then proceeded to hug the side line under the attentions of one of the staff noooo:

I could only assume that she had some morbid fear of open water Shrugs: noooo:

Meanwhile, I have bought an pair of goggles angel1
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on April 11, 2011, 04:11:04 PM: Perfume? BLubber? Or both?
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:18:15 PM: Svelte, African hydrophobic rubschin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on April 11, 2011, 04:23:12 PM: Svelte? eyes:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:26:48 PM: Think Grace Jones' panicky, stroppy daughter noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on April 11, 2011, 04:44:13 PM: Quote from: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:09:04 PM
Another contrary direction female this morning ::) . She collided with 3 others that I saw - including me eveilgrin:

She received a whistle (yellow card) and a verbal warning and then proceeded to hug the side line under the attentions of one of the staff noooo:

I could only assume that she had some morbid fear of open water Shrugs: noooo:

Meanwhile, I have bought an pair of ~~goggles~~ ogles angel1

There we are nicely corrected for you Mr P. ;)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:55:08 PM: Quote from: Miss Creant on April 11, 2011, 04:44:13 PM
Quote from: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 04:09:04 PM
Another contrary direction female this morning ::) . She collided with 3 others that I saw - including me eveilgrin:

She received a whistle (yellow card) and a verbal warning and then proceeded to hug the side line under the attentions of one of the staff noooo:

I could only assume that she had some morbid fear of open water Shrugs: noooo:

Meanwhile, I have bought an pair of ~~goggles~~ ogles angel1

There we are nicely corrected for you Mr P. ;)

A pair of Ogles, MissC, how lovely cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sporting-reliants.com%2Fimages%2FPrototypes%2FOgle%2520SX250.jpg&hash=a93d2ecdefb62283a9566d0dfd5b43a83869db89)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on April 11, 2011, 05:02:19 PM: In his autobiography Roger Moore said he had been taught to say nothing about people he didn't like. He went on to add that he had worked with Grace Jones and would say no more about her angel1
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on April 11, 2011, 05:35:37 PM: I concur. angel1
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2011, 07:37:50 PM: I had the whole swimming pool to myself this afternoon like.....now that's a moment to treasure cloud9:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pirate on April 13, 2011, 07:46:56 PM: Did you have a pee?
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2011, 07:51:37 PM: Oh noes noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pirate on April 13, 2011, 07:56:29 PM: rubschin: look me in the eye when you say that...
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2011, 08:00:43 PM: Your Japanese one ? rubschin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2011, 08:01:49 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on April 13, 2011, 08:00:43 PM
Your Japanese one ? rubschin:

noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2011, 08:07:49 PM: Wot Shrugs:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Nick on April 13, 2011, 08:10:34 PM: Did you wear an bikini? eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes: eyes:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2011, 08:12:10 PM: Oh yes

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hamovhotov.com%2Ffun%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2006%2F10%2Fhippo-bikini.jpg&hash=87e9ada2a5b4c49ace4c362fd0900c6ea5179f88)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 13, 2011, 08:47:08 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on April 13, 2011, 08:12:10 PM
Oh yes

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hamovhotov.com%2Ffun%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2006%2F10%2Fhippo-bikini.jpg&hash=87e9ada2a5b4c49ace4c362fd0900c6ea5179f88)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on May 17, 2011, 12:33:57 PM: Ah ... found it.

Yes, collisions. Pr'aps I need to upgrade to the Medium lane rubschin:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Snoopy on May 17, 2011, 12:59:36 PM: I had you down as a middle lane hog anyway.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.karipatterson.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F05%2Fmiddle-lane-290x290.jpg&hash=4ce4fd0b9c23e682f1b3399dfcdeae56a394e71b)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 17, 2011, 01:39:57 PM: I was in the fast lane yesterday. cloud9:

Admittedly the chap in the slow lane kept passing me.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on May 17, 2011, 04:11:53 PM: I wouldn't dare go in the fast lanes; they're like bleddy dolphins in there eeek:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 17, 2011, 05:09:48 PM: Fearsome creatures in there .... scared2: Highly intolerant of the lesser , non goggled up creatures noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Pastis on May 22, 2011, 03:42:21 PM: Quote from: Pastis on May 17, 2011, 12:33:57 PM
Ah ... found it.
Yes, collisions. Pr'aps I need to upgrade to the Medium lane rubschin:

This was confirmed on Saturday morning redface:
I happened to brush past a wumman and apologised, to which she said ok. I thought all was well but, oh noes ... noooo:
As I was pausing after half an hour; she turned up and let fly ...
"You are annoying me and you kick'ed me, so I'm getting out! You shoulds not be here, you shoulds be over there!"

eeek: I apologised again and noticed that her husband was a guy I'd actually had a brief chat with a few weeks ago - a pleasant chap.

In the changing room I noticed him and said, look I'm really sorry, you know it wasn't intentional. The expression of ::) and the smile said it all lol:

I am upgraded angel1
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 25, 2011, 09:28:29 AM: I bet the driver of this car hogs the swimming pool lane.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2iy7xsr38%2Fbad_parking.jpg&hash=54c943b212e6b99b00af76624e48adb3ed658071) (http://postimage.org/image/2iy7xsr38/)
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 25, 2011, 04:27:21 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 25, 2011, 09:28:29 AM
I bet the driver of this car hogs the swimming pool lane.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2iy7xsr38%2Fbad_parking.jpg&hash=54c943b212e6b99b00af76624e48adb3ed658071) (http://postimage.org/image/2iy7xsr38/)

You will be hearing from Mrs DS (#3) solicitors in the morning.
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 04:33:11 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 25, 2011, 04:27:21 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 25, 2011, 09:28:29 AM
I bet the driver of this car hogs the swimming pool lane.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2iy7xsr38%2Fbad_parking.jpg&hash=54c943b212e6b99b00af76624e48adb3ed658071) (http://postimage.org/image/2iy7xsr38/)

You will be hearing from Mrs DS (#3) solicitors in the morning.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 13, 2012, 11:20:17 AM: 16 wimmin' swimmin' and me in the pool this morning. And that's not counting the 4 yummy mummies and their sprogs in the learner pool. Very high chatter levels as they always seem to come in pairs. Swimming four abreast as it were. noooo:
Title: Re: "Wimmin' swimmin'"
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 13, 2012, 01:58:06 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on January 13, 2012, 11:20:17 AM
16 wimmin' swimmin' and me in the pool this morning. And that's not counting the 4 yummy mummies and their sprogs in the learner pool. Very high chatter levels as they always seem to come in pairs. Swimming four abreast as it were. noooo:

drumroll: