The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: Nick on July 19, 2010, 01:13:38 PM
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1.Practice "coochy coo"
2. Go "Aaaaaaaaaaahh" a lot.
3. Offer to change nappies.
4. Clean up vomit eagerly.
Carry on.
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- Become an expert burper
- Spend all your own toy money on baby toys
- Learn to fix child seat in your own car to take baby round and round the M25 to 'settle' it
- Learn never to raise your voice again ...in case you wake baby
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Get used to the smell of posset which will be deposited on your clothing and will never come out.
Do not get drawn into saying who you think the child resembles ~ even if it is Winston Churchill
Be prepared for LL to be furious with you for no apparent reason. Grandmothers get that way ~ accept it.
Oh AND .....
Miss Piggy knows she has dark circles under her eyes, that she will never fit into those tight jeans again, that she looks generally shite, that she has baby sick in her hair, she smells of puke and she has damp patches on the front of her jumper/blouse where her tits are leaking ~ she will not be grateful to you for pointing any of this out to her.
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I shall say "you must be very proud" and no more... whistle:
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I have found it best to admire baby, tell mother she looks wonderful and take the father to the pub. Wimmin are best left to get on with it at this time and for at least the next six months. Better yet ..... until the child goes to university.
My 4 grandchildren think I am wonderful because I ask no questions of them, take the piss out of their parents and dob them a £20 note when I see them. ('Bout twice a year)
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SO BM should give it £20 then? rubschin:
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Best not to get too carried away with £500 Baby Bonus Bonds and stuff of that ilk ~ could be setting a costly precedent should Miss Piggy forget her vows never to have another. God knows how many she'll end up with in the litter. I find the set figure of £20 enough to invoke "Oh you shouldn't spoil them like that" from the parents, a "Gosh Thanks Grandpa" from the children and at only £20 per kid, per visit, not too draining on the personal resources.
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40 quid then? rubschin:
Might just eat it though, babies are like that noooo:
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Somebody will be bound to have given it a money box by now ~ people always do. All BM has to do is admire baby, admire gifts and when he sees the money box smile (through gritted teeth if I know him) and shove a twenty into the little slot in the box.
Get the child accustomed to that now and never vary it.
My God Mother did it to me with a ten bob note ~ every time I saw her (usually three times a year) until I was twenty one when she sent me £100 and considered her duty done.
She was a friend of my mother's ~ not a relative. A spinster school teacher (From Dummer JOM) and she also used to send my letters to her back to me ~ corrected in red ink
We still correspond but she no longer corrects my spelling.
Story she told me a few years ago in one of her letters. She had been into hospital (she is in her 80s) and had cataracts removed/sorted or whatever they do with them. Anywhoo she felt able to drive again but found the headlights of other cars distracting and slightly painful when they reflected from her door mirrors into her newly repaired eyes. Her answer was to fit a woollen bedsock over each of her door mirrors whenever she went out after dark.
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My Uncle Jack used to give me a half crown every now and then... cloud9:
New baby won't be getting any cash from me tho... wouldn't want to spoil it like... whistle:
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Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.
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Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.
None of that either... noooo:
When does the Farnborough Air Show end...? rubschin:
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25th July.
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Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.
None of that either... noooo:
When does the Farnborough Air Show end...? rubschin:
I'm planning on attending. cloud9: Also Goodwood revival in September. cloud9:
Baby advice steer well clear, let the ladies rule. Maybe purchase a box of chocolates or two. If you have to handle it try not to drop it or break it. Shrugs:
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25th July.
Saturday it is then... cloud9:
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Stick to nappy changing and puke mopping then.
None of that either... noooo:
When does the Farnborough Air Show end...? rubschin:
I'm planning on attending. cloud9: Also Goodwood revival in September. cloud9:
Baby advice steer well clear, let the ladies rule. Maybe purchase a box of chocolates or two. If you have to handle it try not to drop it or break it. Shrugs:
Don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... don't drop it or break it... scared2:
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I can see the headlines now........
Grandpa Gubs Baby
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Yup that about sums it up. For the first 6 months or so it is an immobile pink tube, able to make irritating noises. Put stuff in one end stuff comes out of both ends. After six months it becomes a moving squirming pink tube. Put stuff in one end and it comes out of both ends but is able to smear said 'stuff' around. Still makes irritating noises. It will start talking eventually and moving around in a rational manner but the talking will stop after about 12 years and will be replaced noises along with immobility. This will prolly last until the darling fledges/is kicked out of the nest. Best left well alone. ;)
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In a few deft strokes of the keyboard MissC has summed up the first two of the seven ages of man ;D Excellent!
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Never was a truer word uttered.
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Bloody hell. I was gonna say make the most of every single moment confused:
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Yup that about sums it up. For the first 6 months or so it is an immobile pink tube, able to make irritating noises. Put stuff in one end stuff comes out of both ends. After six months it becomes a moving squirming pink tube. Put stuff in one end and it comes out of both ends but is able to smear said 'stuff' around. Still makes irritating noises. It will start talking eventually and moving around in a rational manner but the talking will stop after about 12 years and will be replaced noises along with immobility. This will prolly last until the darling fledges/is kicked out of the nest. Best left well alone. ;)
I'm glad I'm only staying for two weeks... noooo:
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It'll be as ugly as fuck...they all are though , so don't fret. noooo:
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It'll be as ugly as fuck...they all are though , so don't fret. noooo:
I told my mate his new baby was as ugly as fuck... haven't seen him for some years... rubschin:
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It'll be as ugly as fuck...they all are though , so don't fret. noooo:
I told my mate his new baby was as ugly as fuck... haven't seen him for some years... rubschin:
Truth can be somewhat painful to swallow sometimes, but saying it how it really is is much appreciated sometimes (eventually) and shows honesty. cloud9:
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So best not to mention if it's smelly then, even though it will be. Friend of mine had a stinky baby. I once referred to it as Trumpet Trousers. redface:
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So best not to mention if it's smelly then, even though it will be. Friend of mine had a stinky baby. I once referred to it as Trumpet Trousers. redface:
They ALL stink. sick2:
They are ALL ugly. sick2:
They ALL grow up to be a total pain in the arse too. whistle:
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rubschin:
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rubschin:
Sorry mate.
I know, it hurts. Shrugs:
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He could wear a gas mask. Unobtrusively, like.
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Apparently I have to go straight from the hairy port to see it... do not pass GO, etc. ::)
What could possibly go wrong...? Shrugs:
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Buy the baby a new dummy, pop it in when nobody is looking whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2FbzG2J.jpg&hash=c49bfced27bb5b281779cb8abaef26500edf9480) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=TsbzG2J)
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Buy the baby a new dummy, pop it in when nobody is looking whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2FbzG2J.jpg&hash=c49bfced27bb5b281779cb8abaef26500edf9480) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=TsbzG2J)
happy001
Where can I get one?
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He could wear a gas mask. Unobtrusively, like.
As he is wearing a huge blue bucket on his head I don't suppose for one moment that anyone will notice the gas mask. noooo:
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I remember once going to see a friends baby. Upon walking into the nursery I was confronted by this enormous head ( & small body) in the crib, luckily I had the presence of mind to exclaim 'isn't she like her father', which she was down to the same size head.
She actually grew up into a very normal, very pretty girl.
Bye the way, all my children were gorgeous babies as is my granddaughter. lol:
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I remember once going to see a friends baby. Upon walking into the nursery I was confronted by this enormous head ( & small body) in the crib, luckily I had the presence of mind to exclaim 'isn't she like her father', which she was down to the same size head.
She actually grew up into a very normal, very pretty girl.
Bye the way, all my children were gorgeous babies as is my granddaughter. lol:
DIPLOMACY
Two women sat in the public park watching the kids play. One woman says, "hasn't that boy got a big big head?"
"How dare you, that's my son"
"Oh, I see, but doesn't it suit him"
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And still no pics!?!?!?
Tell her well done from me!
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The Piglet cloud9:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2FzDST9.jpg&hash=d7e3a9390ba6a1d7d956402aa0c92d3a2a3c618c) (http://www.postimage.org/)
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And still no pics!?!?!?
Tell her well done from me!
No pics of me holding it yet.... lol:
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Don't be posting any piccies on here without full written consent from both parents first. noooo:
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Don't be posting any piccies on here without full written consent from both parents first. noooo:
scared2:
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Don't be posting any piccies on here without full written consent from both parents first. noooo:
scared2:
Indeed.
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Lets face it... I could post any baby picture that I found on the Intermong and nobody would be any the wiser... whistle:
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Lets face it... I could post any baby picture that I found on the Intermong and nobody would be any the wiser... whistle:
Correct. They are ALL pig ugly as fuck, and don't let anyone tell you owt different, coochee coo. sick2:
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Lets face it... I could post any baby picture that I found on the Intermong and nobody would be any the wiser... whistle:
Correct. They are ALL pig ugly as fuck, and don't let anyone tell you owt different, coochee coo. sick2:
Quite so.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Festatenumberfour.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F05%2Fbaby_bear.jpg&hash=86a5564de233fff8aa0855415ffa67ab440ee255)
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There r some on facebook now which is really what I meant :)
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Lets face it... I could post any baby picture that I found on the Intermong and nobody would be any the wiser... whistle:
Correct. They are ALL pig ugly as fuck, and don't let anyone tell you owt different, coochee coo. sick2:
Quite so.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Festatenumberfour.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F05%2Fbaby_bear.jpg&hash=86a5564de233fff8aa0855415ffa67ab440ee255)
Me 21 years ago. cloud9:
I was actually talkin' about the human variety. ::)
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There r some on facebook now which is really what I meant :)
So there are eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2FA3k5A.jpg&hash=27c35fc9e02ee0ca11a43c1f61b374e1a83f8c54) (http://www.postimage.org/)
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There r some on facebook now which is really what I meant :)
So there are eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2FA3k5A.jpg&hash=27c35fc9e02ee0ca11a43c1f61b374e1a83f8c54) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Your Christening?
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There r some on facebook now which is really what I meant :)
So there are eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2FA3k5A.jpg&hash=27c35fc9e02ee0ca11a43c1f61b374e1a83f8c54) (http://www.postimage.org/)
You are the father then ey you ginger minger. sick2:
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Baby Imogen...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2FyaKMi.jpg&hash=13464a7c62816085060353ec653ceeed97a2fdce) (http://www.postimage.org/)
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...eyed Grandpa suspiciously as he entered the room
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2FMUtK9.jpg&hash=6da8518f438c196d5ade436c1be6efada9caea9b) (http://www.postimage.org/)
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Baby Imogen...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2FyaKMi.jpg&hash=13464a7c62816085060353ec653ceeed97a2fdce) (http://www.postimage.org/)
Ok girls all together now ...... Ahhhhhhhhh
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...eyed Grandpa suspiciously as he entered the room
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2FMUtK9.jpg&hash=6da8518f438c196d5ade436c1be6efada9caea9b) (http://www.postimage.org/)
happy001
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The truth often hurts a bit
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The truth often hurts a bit
Oh yes... I'm hurt... sad24:
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happy100
The truth often hurts a bit
Oh yes... I'm hurt... sad24:
happy100 There there dear, Snoops will lick it better for you!
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happy100The truth often hurts a bit
Oh yes... I'm hurt... sad24:
happy100 There there dear, Snoops will lick it better for you!
eeek: sick2:
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angel1
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happy100The truth often hurts a bit
Oh yes... I'm hurt... sad24:
happy100 There there dear, Snoops will lick it better for you!
eeek: eeek: