The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Misunderstood on May 20, 2007, 11:40:19 AM
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Hello Dear, you're home late.
Where's the car?
Um.. silly me, I lost it in an enormous car park, gave up and got a bus home.
I'll get it tomorrow.
OK.
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Hello Dear, You're late again, couldn't you find the car?
Uh.. No, I.. um.. was working late and too tired to look again.
Never mind Sweetheart, The 'Car Park' phoned and asked if you wanted to keep the fence post they took out of your radiator? They'll deliver it home tomorrow seeing as you can't find them.
confused:
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rubschin:
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Did it end in tears? argue:
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rubschin:
Don't you rub your chin at me - I didn't name names... whistle:
Ahem: This story is factual and records a moment of real history.
The names have been withheld to protect the insurance record of the concerned party. ;D
No it was just another day.... in the ....... household
Pusses eh?
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator, another cat, a rose pruner and a hammer. But it's a bit complicated..
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator, another cat, a rose pruner and a hammer. But it's a bit complicated..
Well... What are you waiting for?
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator, another cat, a rose pruner and a hammer. But it's a bit complicated..
You can make it into a mini-series ? lets start with the cat embedded in the radiator. eveilgrin:
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Episode 1 then.
Guy I knew (someone's old dad) driving home one day after a liquid lunch ran over a cat.
Stopped the car and got out to inspect the state of the cat.
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Episode 2:
Saw a bedraggled cat staggering across the pavement looking in a bad way and decided to put it out if its misery. Found hammer in car and finished it off (in a kindly way, of course).
Resumed journey home.
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Epsiode 3:
Was awoken from nap by the police. They enquired if he had any knowledge of a dead cat. He explained what had happened. They invited him outside to look at this car.
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Episode 4:
Was shown quite different cat embedded, and somewhat dead, in car radiator grille.
Police explained that the cat he had finished off was a different cat, which was elderly and arthritic, and that the execution had been witnessed by its owner who was out pruning her roses and who had reported him to the police.
They then breathalysed him.
drumroll:
It can be amusing when told in the right circumstances. cry:
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Is this all true or have you been drinking that cheap booze I sold you last week and hallucinating? whistle:
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No it really happened. And our cat has just crapped on our back step in protest about being banished to the garden. Good job I found it before SWMBO got home eeek:
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Episode 4:
Was shown quite different cat embedded, and somewhat dead, in car radiator grille.
Police explained that the cat he had finished off was a different cat, which was elderly and arthritic, and that the execution had been witnessed by its owner who was out pruning her roses and who had reported him to the police.
They then breathalysed him.
drumroll:
It can be amusing when told in the right circumstances. cry:
Makes my claws curl..... shocked003
They then breathalysed him. and.... ?
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Well, that's the end (in more senses than one)
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What about the... "They then breathalysed him." bit?
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The story ended there. It was more about cats than about driving offences. OK?
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I ran over a cat once, and it ended up screaming jumping and squirming all over the road.
My mate who worked at Camell Lairds with his steel capped boots, jumped out, and to my horror he kicked it in the head to finish it off.
He reckoned it was suffering so thought it best to put it out of it's misery and suffering.
I'm still shocked even after 30 + years. eeek:
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I shot a pidgeon once.
It was Christmas day and my brother bought me a brand new shotgun.
Unable to resist I disappeared out into the woods where I came across the bird sat on a branch.
I raised the gun to shoot it then thought Um... Don't want to risk wounding it I'll get a little closer...and again...
When the smoke cleared, I had blown the entire branch off the tree and all that was left of the pidgeon was a few bloodstained feathers....
I never ever shot any other bird or animal again. It still saddens me some fifty years later Mind, I came very close to it with a mole that had systematically turned my garden into a scaled replica of the Somme.
I deported it instead.
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator
Was it a DIY catalytic converter? drumroll:
I have to admit when I read the title of this thread my first impression was 'what has Nick done this time?' point:
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator
Was it a DIY catalytic converter? drumroll:
That deserves applause! happy088
But I shall smite you anyway? whistle:
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Since this seems to be an anti cat rant (present company excepted of course)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fovermyshoulder.org%2Fimages%2Fsnoopy_angry.gif&hash=20bbb470bc4051fb9ef1926bd58b608e2f17bfb8)
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator
Was it a DIY catalytic converter? drumroll:
That deserves applause! happy088
But I shall smite you anyway? whistle:
But but but but but..............errrrrr hang on a moment, my smitage has gone down? The samet thing happened when Wenchy tried smiting me last week. Could I be somehow smite resistant? eyes:
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I have an amusing story about a cat embedded in a car radiator
Was it a DIY catalytic converter? drumroll:
That deserves applause! happy088
But I shall smite you anyway? whistle:
But but but but but..............errrrrr hang on a moment, my smitage has gone down? The samet thing happened when Wenchy tried smiting me last week. Could I be somehow smite resistant? eyes:
Nope! point:
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I saw a dead cat yesterday morning in our Street. All its guts were hanging out. It had a collar on but I didnt want to be the one who went and told some little kid that they had better bring a shovel, so I just walked on by.
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Oi, you smited me twice in under an hour. We arent allowed to do that cussing:
WEEEEEEEEEEENNNCH your master is abusing his power again eveilgrin:
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Oi, you smited me twice in under an hour. We arent allowed to do that cussing:
WEEEEEEEEEEENNNCH your master is abusing his power again eveilgrin:
Just the one from me! point:
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Alright who else smited me? whip:
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Alright who else smited me? whip:
Perhaps Wenchy popped-in especially? whistle:
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I was wondering how long it would be before someone else called her Wenchy, looks like the subliminals work after all. eyes:
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What on earth is a smite/smote...whatever?
And when must one smite another?
And what have they got to have done to deserve one?
And when is a smite smitable...after 10 gajongas? rubschin:
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What on earth is a smite/smote...whatever?
And when must one smite another?
And what have they got to have done to deserve one?
And when is a smite smitable...after 10 gajongas? rubschin:
Rule 1. ? Never smote the barman, he?s done nothing to deserve it, ever.
Rule 2 ? See rule 1
I applaud your innocence. whistle:
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Barkeep, I applaud you. ;)
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Barkeep, I applaud you. ;)
I reciprocate! happy088
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I can see that the 'Lickspittle' threshold needs lowering. worthy:
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I can see that the 'Lickspittle' threshold needs lowering. worthy:
What, to +1? point:
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No ~ 0 whistle:
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No ~ 0 whistle:
happy001
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Banghead
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Who me???? noooo:
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point:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
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point:
I haven?t changed it - honest? noooo:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
Tut, tut... noooo: and you without a ring on your finger.... noooo:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
Tut, tut... noooo: and you without a ring on your finger.... noooo:
Well she can hardly wear it on her finger as well as there can she?
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
I'm not so sure Wenchy dear, apparently there are plastic surgeons in america who can work wonders on that particular aspect... eyes:
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
I'm not so sure Wenchy dear, apparently there are plastic surgeons in america who can work wonders on that particular aspect... eyes:
:lalalala
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
I'm not so sure Wenchy dear, apparently there are plastic surgeons in america who can work wonders on that particular aspect... eyes:
Much cheaper with a couple of drops of Superglue.
No more than a couple of drops mind. scared2:
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If he's got that far ~ who ever stops to check anyway?
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I don't know. He makes me reset myself to zero and then he goes about smoting himself! Oh er. redface:
Is that like becoming a virgin again?
I think those days are long gone. redface:
I'm not so sure Wenchy dear, apparently there are plastic surgeons in america who can work wonders on that particular aspect... eyes:
Much cheaper with a couple of drops of Superglue.
No more than a couple of drops mind. scared2:
shocked003
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Episode 4:
Was shown quite different cat embedded, and somewhat dead, in car radiator grille.
Police explained that the cat he had finished off was a different cat, which was elderly and arthritic, and that the execution had been witnessed by its owner who was out pruning her roses and who had reported him to the police.
They then breathalysed him.
drumroll:
It can be amusing when told in the right circumstances. cry:
Reminds me of one of my stories! A lad I know some years ago came back home to his parent's house for Christmas. All his wee nieces and nephews were staying over too, it was a real family Christmas with everyone under the one roof and all.
He went out for a few drams with the Uncles on Christmas morning and they came home a little the worse for drink! Charlie (let's call him Charlie ;)) spys a ball on the floor. Thinking it must be a kiddies toy he picks it up and hoofs it down the hall in a big arc to score a perfect shot through the swing bin. Pleased with himself he turns to face the family and smugly remarks "Still got the old magic"
Then he notices the looks on their faces! One of the kiddies stands up and starts crying "my hamster my hamster"
lol:
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Urban Myth ~ heard it from at least 25 people over the years all claiming it to be true and having happened to a "friend" ~ frankly utter bollox and not even funny. noooo:
Oh and welcome to the board.
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Urban Myth ~ heard it from at least 25 people over the years all claiming it to be true and having happened to a "friend" ~ frankly utter bollox and not even funny. noooo:
Oh and welcome to the board.
Same as Nick's then ;D
And thanks for the welcome ;D
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Urban Myth ~ heard it from at least 25 people over the years all claiming it to be true and having happened to a "friend" ~ frankly utter bollox and not even funny. noooo:
Oh and welcome to the board.
Same as Nick's then ;D
And thanks for the welcome ;D
Oh I can assure you that if Nick says it happened to him I am always prepared to believe him. The guy is a one man disaster zone. ::) "Never in the field of human cock-ups have so many happened to one man" etc.
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And thanks for the welcome ;D
And welcome too, although tentatively reserved rubschin:
Am I being usurped in the French Spirits sector?
I'm waiting for some bird to turn up with Martini for an avatar ... anytime, any place... eyes: eyes:
drumroll:
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Urban Myth ~ heard it from at least 25 people over the years all claiming it to be true and having happened to a "friend" ~ frankly utter bollox and not even funny. noooo:
Oh and welcome to the board.
Same as Nick's then ;D
And thanks for the welcome ;D
Oh I can assure you that if Nick says it happened to him I am always prepared to believe him. The guy is a one man disaster zone. ::) "Never in the field of human cock-ups have so many happened to one man" etc.
Well thank you. And it didn't hapen to me!
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Urban Myth ~ heard it from at least 25 people over the years all claiming it to be true and having happened to a "friend" ~ frankly utter bollox and not even funny. noooo:
Oh and welcome to the board.
Same as Nick's then ;D
And thanks for the welcome ;D
Oh I can assure you that if Nick says it happened to him I am always prepared to believe him. The guy is a one man disaster zone. ::) "Never in the field of human cock-ups have so many happened to one man" etc.
Well thank you. And it didn't hapen to me!
It will tho... noooo:
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I am suddenly in the doghouse over a matter involving a three pin plug. No, I don't understand it either.
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I am suddenly in the doghouse over a matter involving a three pin plug. No, I don't understand it either.
I bet she trod on it... whistle:
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Nope
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I am suddenly in the doghouse over a matter involving a three pin plug. No, I don't understand it either.
Square or round?
It could be crucial.... eyes:
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Square
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Square
Who cut it off?
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I did
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You plugged it in but forgot to switch it on? point:
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I did
Bad mistake.
Lethal instrument with children around
But I imagine you've been told that already?
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Are you
insulated ? Sorry, insured?
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Are you insulated ? Sorry, insured?
I don't think there is a company under the sun that would touch The Nick Family with a barge pole.
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Well there is one company but the conditions are pretty strict involving padded rooms, no pets, no furniture and not being able to go within 100 yards of a microwave or a computer point:
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We are just renewing our insurance and we were somewhat surprised to see New condition No. 6 was a 'Nick' supplement. Just after the profits warning and before the declaration that I don't know anyone named Nick
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Its a global cover system as Nicks calamities can't be classed under 'Act of God' whistle:
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evil:
Today: The Roof!! (again). Mrs N on warpath. scared2:
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The roof?
Ok let me see..Nick + Roof = scared:
Barman, dont suppose you can find a foxhole emoticon can you whistle:
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftbn0.google.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AklM9z2ShZQStOM%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.bebeyond.com%2FLearnEnglish%2FDailyReadings%2FArts%2FSnoopy_files%2F24snoop.1.jpeg&hash=d674271ec8e10d6b382aa8280c90f13b4e8ee196)
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The roof?
Ok let me see..Nick + Roof = scared:
Barman, dont suppose you can find a foxhole emoticon can you whistle:
Will this do? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fgnite.gif&hash=1b0df4c316370409d2edf93ec8df14566eb70756)
On the subject of Nick, do these remind anyone of anyone? whistle:
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It could be the company firewall Puss but I'm only getting a parade of X's
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The roof?
Ok let me see..Nick + Roof = scared:
Barman, dont suppose you can find a foxhole emoticon can you whistle:
It's not enough! Australia sounds better and saves a lot of digging.
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Well I did score a major victory over an estate agent this afternoon. So the week is looking up at last. Oh, it's Friday afternoon cry:
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The roof?
Ok let me see..Nick + Roof = scared:
Barman, dont suppose you can find a foxhole emoticon can you whistle:
Will this do? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fgnite.gif&hash=1b0df4c316370409d2edf93ec8df14566eb70756)
On the subject of Nick, do these remind anyone of anyone? whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fgnite.gif&hash=1b0df4c316370409d2edf93ec8df14566eb70756) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fconstruction2.gif&hash=418034c77fa5bced9eb8f6afba3f3b35b9ccc612) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fduck.gif&hash=81d6dbc479678e1dd4a3a8292c9527ece7f71421) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Femisc.gif&hash=a6179fd0f8dba2a6479b9ab5ace691197fa7dbf7) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Femisc107.gif&hash=29e4feffe2a2b399cbde248206f11d7eb7283079) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fcsash6.gif&hash=efff9a8d3160efebb431f7503dbf66a61fc23be6) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Foops2.gif&hash=5b2c9caba605ea1afbe395946ff50d834bb9c53b) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fpile.gif&hash=e865a2b7f02c12ef77ac0e0ac276c7d8de159bdd) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fscream.gif&hash=4aa72c953bbeda6d97f16c5968e95f57f90e4bc8) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fthrowputer.gif&hash=e556e38ddaf50e598578aca22d9b1061b1a0c1ba) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2FSinking.gif&hash=261bc91995a2ec18cc17477a409ccbc69d085826) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Ffrog.gif&hash=0ca824f43c20c8213e1d8cb050325c52e7deb406) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fquestion.gif&hash=0f5c83dd766dbefdcd966fb9b08f350e6dd8449f) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fjail.gif&hash=4223f1d474be9443ee50ca01c1b53d806dd25d88) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fhotwater.gif&hash=c788cd5f57637ed794bc7419d999609a58f7d9b4) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fconfused.gif&hash=ad200e25ddcd2a1f6d9458526258b781a391278e) (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.glboards.com%2Fboards%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fsigh.gif&hash=fae3a9cf92fc59029b72b6091459902f12ef1b96)
I thank you. They all remind me of me. evil:
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Well I did score a major victory over an estate agent this afternoon. So the week is looking up at last. Oh, it's Friday afternoon cry:
I don't want to rob you of your moment of triumph but Estate Agents are not generally that bright. Crooked but dim would be my opinion of the breed ~ after all they rate about level with Members of Parliament in most people's estimation.
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I went to see this one about letting a 3 bedroom house we own nearby. He said the fee would be ?500. The three people behind me (who he was charging ?250) followed me out of the office and round the corner. We shook hands on the deal there and then and he lost ?750!!
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
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Nice result worthy:
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Does that mean we can expect:
Those bloody tenants I swiped from the estate agent a couple of months ago have trashed my house cussing:
point:
yes I know the date on the quote is today but I cant be arsed to change it in that format eyes:
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What is all that tiny print about?
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Click on that post then on "Quote" and all is revealed
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Was going to change the date shown on that quote but its in a different format if you look at a quote header and I couldnt be bothered to do the calculation redface:
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But why hurt my eyes gratuitously. I am now under telphonic orders to call Trading Standards. This will end in tears (probably mine cry:)
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But why hurt my eyes gratuitously. I am now under telphonic orders to call Trading Standards. This will end in tears (probably mine cry:)
Did they tell you to bugger off until after the hols?