The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: TG on December 03, 2007, 08:46:46 PM

Title: Enforced intamacy
Post by: TG on December 03, 2007, 08:46:46 PM
I have not been posting for a while as I'm sure you have all noticed (no wheres TG thread though) this has been due to toothache.

Last Monday on noticing the increased pain in the gum regions and not being shy of the dentists I went to see him.

He is a nice chap and we conversed thusly:

Dentist: Whats your problem?
TG: Gobache
Dentist: Right, lets xray your finely shaped skull.

I am duly irradiated.

Dentist: Bugger all wrong with you.
TG: But it hurts!!!  sad24:
Dentist: Don't be such a fairy, take 3 of these a day for five days, do not watch any goat porn and whatever happens NO BOOZE!

I am devastated, Mrs TG is due to back to Liverpool that weekend for her annual carjacking refresher course and the possibilities of debauchery have now become limited.

In short I spend a miserable weekend waiting for the antibiotics to kick in. They do not. Pain levels increase, then they increase again, this morning its agony. I return to the dentist :

TG: You bastard! The pills ain't working. Sort me out or I'll poison your donkey with Horlicks!
Dentist: Shut up and lie down while I jab you with this instrument of torture. We shall then yank the offensive molar out.
TG:  You bastard!

I am jabbed. Within a few minutes I am pain free. Then the fun really starts!

We are all alone the nice dentist and me.  eyes: He proceeds to mount me and insert a MASSIVE pair of pliers into my mouth:

Dentist: If you need to stop raise a hand. OK?
TG: yumph
Dentist: Soon be over.
TG: yufk! Bathtid!

He proceeds go to at it with a will. By Christ he really put his back into it! But after a few minutes he dismounts and stands there gasping.

Dentist: I need to join a gym!
TG: eff! Canute!
Dentist: Right! Lets have another bash!

TG is remounted, in go the medieval pliers, much grunting and the voicing of oaths.

No joy. He falls off again gasping. The offending molar is still in place.

Dentist: You keep moving your head.
TG: Hang on! YOU keep moving MY head you bastard!
Dentist: (shout over shoulder) Tracey! Come and hold Mr TG's head!

From a back room emergies Tracey, hard faced and ready for action. She is well trained and without hesitation yours truly is in a vicious headlock and being remounted by Dr Death.

After a great deal more effort Dr Death gives a final wrench and flies backwards over the dentist chair triumphantly waving the pliers which grip the bloodied tooth.

Dentist: Got it!
TG: You bastard!

So that was that.

I have to say that was without doubt the most physical non sexual contact I have had with more than one person. Rugby has got nothing on it. I mean one second we are chatting about the weather, next a heaving, grunting trio then back to the weather again.

I ring Mrs TG in Liverpool to give her the good news:

TG: It's out.
Mrs TG: Did it hurt?
TG: No
Mrs TG: Shame, did they give you cocaine?
TG: Cocaine?
Mrs TG: Yeah, that stuff that freezes your gob so you chew your own lips off and dont notice till next day?
TG: Erm. Yes dear.
Mrs TG: Right, you.. Oh bugger, hang on while I get this last brick under this Jag (muffled screech of metal and much profanity)..Right that christmas paid for. Why you ringing me?

Another day over.

Funny old life ain't it?







 
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 03, 2007, 08:59:54 PM
 eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2007, 09:06:39 PM
Where is TG?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Pastis on December 03, 2007, 10:57:44 PM
I assume this was not NHS, but private  eyes:



Oh, and I'll put down the mis-spelling of Intimacy to the dose of novacaine cocaine



Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on December 03, 2007, 11:18:28 PM
We share the same dentist!!!!!


BTW I have never been in here before....it's nice
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 03, 2007, 11:38:13 PM
A story well told TG.  lol:

Presumably no solids for a while, so better get in a crate of Bishops Finger and rewind "Capricorn Capers". ;)
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2007, 08:15:26 AM
Excellent drumroll:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Bar Wench on December 04, 2007, 08:36:19 AM
I wouldn't mind a bit of enforced intimacy with my dentist.  redface: ;) redface:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 04, 2007, 09:41:10 AM
I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~ I must not make the obvious comment ~
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Bar Wench on December 04, 2007, 09:57:35 AM
 eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 04, 2007, 09:58:54 AM
Minx  eyes:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Bar Wench on December 04, 2007, 09:59:22 AM
I try.  ;)
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2007, 10:37:20 AM
I once came round from a dental anaesthetic (gas) to find the dentist tucking my shirt into my trousers. When I go t home I found my underpants were on back to front. eeek:

Hammersmith, 1977
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 04, 2007, 10:53:58 AM
 eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Enforced intimacy
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2007, 10:56:13 AM
I ought to have complained to the polioce, but I was youngish and so shocked I never did anything about it!!
Title: Re: Enforced intimacy
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 04, 2007, 12:00:29 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 04, 2007, 10:56:13 AM
I ought to have complained to the polioce, but I was youngish and so shocked I never did anything about it!!

Erm...I have absolutely no idea what to say to that  eeek:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2007, 12:01:11 PM
Nor me!

It was a long time ago...........................................................................
Title: Re: Enforced intimacy
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 04, 2007, 08:01:58 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 04, 2007, 10:56:13 AM
I ought to have complained to the polioce, but I was youngish and so shocked I never did anything about it!!

So you should have.

Y-Front reversal was a hanging offence until 1968.
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2007, 08:41:59 PM
 confused:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 05:52:02 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 04, 2007, 10:37:20 AM
I once came round from a dental anaesthetic (gas) to find the dentist tucking my shirt into my trousers. When I go t home I found my underpants were on back to front. eeek:

Hammersmith, 1977
Hold on...  rubschin:

How long was the queue in the waiting room when you went out?  noooo:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 09:16:44 AM
The plot thickens...there is a lot more to this story methinks
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 09:20:23 AM
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 09:16:44 AM
The plot thickens...there is a lot more to this story methinks
Indeed...  rubschin:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2007, 09:51:21 AM
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 09:16:44 AM
The plot thickens...there is a lot more to this story methinks

Perhaps the tooth had a veeeeery deep root?
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 05, 2007, 09:52:00 AM
I cannot enlighten you further. The whole point is that whatever happened happened while I was unconscious!
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 09:52:29 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 05, 2007, 09:52:00 AM
I cannot enlighten you further. The whole point is that whatever happened happened while I was unconscious!
So you say...  whistle:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2007, 09:54:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 05, 2007, 09:52:00 AM
I cannot enlighten you further. The whole point is that whatever happened happened while I was unconscious!

Were the pants inside-out as well?

That would give an important clue.
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 05, 2007, 09:56:40 AM
You may, of course, have put your own y fronts on back to front that morning ~ my boys frequently manage this trick and seem totally unaware of it. It is hard to imagine how a dentist would have managed the feat of removing both outer and underwear and then replacing the garments, albeit back to front, from someone of your size without assistance whilst the removee was unconscious.
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 12:06:33 PM
And why did he need to remove them entirely eh? Surely sliding them down around the ankles might have been sufficient eh Holmes?
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 12:07:38 PM
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 12:06:33 PM
And why did he need to removethe entirely eh? Surely sliding them down around the ankles might have been sufficient eh Holmes?
Indeed... good point GOS... the plot thickens...  rubschin:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Nick on December 05, 2007, 12:08:00 PM
 noooo:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 05, 2007, 12:08:36 PM
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 12:06:33 PM
And why did he need to removethe entirely eh? Surely sliding them down around the ankles might have been sufficient eh Holmes?

We seem to be approaching the good old Lemon Entry joke here chaps.
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 12:15:03 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on December 05, 2007, 12:08:36 PM
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier on December 05, 2007, 12:06:33 PM
And why did he need to removethe entirely eh? Surely sliding them down around the ankles might have been sufficient eh Holmes?

We seem to be approaching the good old Lemon Entry joke here chaps.
whistle:
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2007, 12:19:09 PM
[Watson is reading clues from a crossword puzzle to Holmes]
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 1 Across. A simple source of citrus fruit, 1, 5, 4.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
[Elsewhere in the hotel, Moriarty shoots Sam Spade]
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 2 Down. Conservative pays ex-wife maintenance. 7, 5.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Alimony...alimony Tory, my dear Watson.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Never cease to astound me.
[Moriarty takes a sword to Hercule Poirot]
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 2 Down. Southern California style. 1, 2, 8.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: A la Monterrey, my dear Watson.
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: Really good, holmes.
[Moriarty shoots M]
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 4 Down. Burglar's entrance
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Alarm entry, my dear Watson
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: That's rather poor, isn't it, Holmes? Right. One to go. A cowardly fish with a sting in its tail.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: Brilliant, Holmes
[Moriarty does in McCloud with an arrow]
Title: Re: Enforced intamacy
Post by: Snoopy on December 05, 2007, 12:22:44 PM
Thank You ~ we'll call you ..... Do not call us.