Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 730141 times)

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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #375 on: January 27, 2011, 07:16:09 AM »
It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #376 on: January 27, 2011, 07:16:34 AM »
It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Tipsy Gipsy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #377 on: January 29, 2011, 06:39:41 PM »
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.  But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.  Unfortunately, Lorraine died.  At her funeral he stood up and sang.  'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'
It's better than I ever even knew.  They say that the world was built for two.  Only worth living if somebody is loving you.  Baby now you do.

Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #378 on: January 29, 2011, 07:25:34 PM »
 noooo:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #379 on: January 30, 2011, 08:44:59 AM »
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.  But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.  Unfortunately, Lorraine died.  At her funeral he stood up and sang.  'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'

 ;D
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #380 on: January 30, 2011, 09:14:01 AM »
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Offline Just One More

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LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #382 on: February 01, 2011, 01:04:26 PM »
Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India"  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

 
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Offline The Moan Ranger

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #383 on: February 01, 2011, 03:33:24 PM »
Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India"  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

 

Ahem. http://www.grumpieroldmen.co.uk/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=18564&p=326026&hilit=jamboree#p326026

(After all, that's where the Affs started...)

Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #384 on: February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM »
I never go there  noooo:
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Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #385 on: February 01, 2011, 03:45:25 PM »
I never go there  noooo:

I'm not allowed there...  noooo:
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Offline The Moan Ranger

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #386 on: February 01, 2011, 03:46:29 PM »
 point:

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #387 on: February 01, 2011, 04:02:39 PM »
 redface:
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #388 on: February 01, 2011, 04:10:52 PM »
I never go there  noooo:

I'm not allowed there...  noooo:

I have forgotten where it is.
I mostly despair

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #389 on: February 01, 2011, 04:12:53 PM »
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