Disgusterous

Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 382697 times)

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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #315 on: January 06, 2011, 01:06:58 PM »
BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........



I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #316 on: January 06, 2011, 01:13:25 PM »
BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........



I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #317 on: January 06, 2011, 01:15:27 PM »
He doesn't need a policeman ~ he needs one of these to sniff out his lost socks
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #318 on: January 07, 2011, 07:57:26 AM »
Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #319 on: January 07, 2011, 08:11:59 AM »
Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Tipsy Gipsy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #320 on: January 08, 2011, 11:16:08 AM »
NEW  TAX CODE!

The only thing that Revenue has not taxed yet is the male penis.  This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed.  10% of the time it is hard up.  20% of the time it is pissed off.  1% of the time it is in a hole.  On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.  HOWEVER, effective January 1st 2011, the penis will be taxed according to size.  The brackets are as follows:
10” – 12”  Luxury tax  € 300
8” – 10” Pole tax €250
5” – 8” Privilege tax €150
3” – 5” Nuisance tax €30
Males exceeding 12” must file capital gains.  Anyone under 3” is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
It's better than I ever even knew.  They say that the world was built for two.  Only worth living if somebody is loving you.  Baby now you do.

Online Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #321 on: January 08, 2011, 11:30:50 AM »
Mr Thread? Have you met Mr Gutter?  noooo:
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Cat sitter extraordinaire
Semi-professional crocodile

Offline Tipsy Gipsy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #322 on: January 08, 2011, 11:42:56 AM »
 lol:
It's better than I ever even knew.  They say that the world was built for two.  Only worth living if somebody is loving you.  Baby now you do.

Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #323 on: January 10, 2011, 10:04:14 AM »

Q.. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?

A.. A fisherman

 
Q.. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?

A.. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

 
 

Ring Ring......

“Hello - Australian team dressing room”

“Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?”

“Sorry mate -  he's just gone out to bat...”

“It's OK - I'll hold....”

 

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.
 
Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
 
Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
 
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
 
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
 
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
 
Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.
 
Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
 
Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?
A. A bat


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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #324 on: January 10, 2011, 11:11:54 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Keep them coming!
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #325 on: January 10, 2011, 07:19:30 PM »
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #326 on: January 10, 2011, 07:55:31 PM »
 lol: lol: lol: lol:

I must send that last one to my water supplier.  lol:
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #327 on: January 11, 2011, 05:52:58 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Especially: -

Quote
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
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Offline beerhead

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #328 on: January 12, 2011, 09:22:57 AM »
Being sexually unappealing and eating crap food will ensure Pandas fit right in, say Scots
 
After two Pandas were secured by Edinburgh Zoo, experts predicted that their lack of physical appeal to the opposite sex, appearing perpetually drunk, and a preference for food with little nutritional value will ensure they feel right at home in Scotland.

Tian Tian and Yangguang’s move to the zoo will be the culmination of five years of intense political and diplomatic negotiation, during which no-one from the UK appeared to realise that Pandas are essentially a rubbish animal.

Scottish tax payer Graham Lambert said, “They live in the green jungle yet evolved to be black and white, and spend their days sat on their arses eating tonnes of the least nutritious food available for miles. They’re absolutely rubbish, yet seemingly already Scottish.”

“I’m extremely annoyed that we’re going to spend all this money on Pandas to sit around all day eating shit food, looking drunk and not having sex.  I regularly do that for free. I didn’t even realise funding was available.”

Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo
Zoologists insist the moved will be an important step in continuing a global breeding programmes designed to see Pandas thrive for generations to come.

“If we can get Pandas on to a healthy diet of food that is actually good for them, then maybe we can get Scottish people to do the same.  That’s the dream.”

Experienced consumer Patrick Colthart said the reason for the Pandas ongoing struggle to survive was very straight forward.

“I’ll tell you why they’re dying out, it’s because Pandas taste like shite.”

“Let’s be clear about it, if Pandas were delicious you wouldn’t be able to move for all the Panda farms all over the place.”

“It’s no surprise that another useless black and white animal, the cow, thrives in our country. It’s because they’re incredibly appetising.”

“I’m not saying that the production and consumption of that first Panda burger won’t be without its challenges – I imagine it will annoy quite a few people – but if they turn out to be delicious it will secure their ongoing survival for a thousand years.”

Not quite a regular ! Regular as clockwork me !

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #329 on: January 12, 2011, 09:29:37 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:
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