Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

I treasured my ex girlfriend...............




You'll need a map and a fucking shovel to find her...........

 

 

[Just One More]

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....
Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.
Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."
Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the plane and he also is blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The passengers seem very concerned at this point.
The Flight Attendant again takes the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen as you all saw the Co Pilot is also blind but rest assured you are in the hands of the second best pilot as he has over 5,000 successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway, as it gains speed the passengers grow tenser. The plane accelerates more and more approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off.... faster and faster..still on the ground, as its almost to the end the passengers look on until eventually the Passengers scream.."OMG WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!" ..., then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent.
At this point the Pilot turns to the Co-Pilot and says, "Holy Crap, the day these fuckers stop screaming we're fucked!!!"

 

[Steve]

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend.
O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.
His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks.
"‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌‌n t‌‌he g‌‌arage a‌‌nd y‌‌ou p‌‌robably s‌‌hould j‌‌ust c‌‌onsider s‌‌elling a‌‌ll y‌‌our c‌‌ars.
Tom g‌‌ets t‌‌his h‌‌orrified l‌‌ook o‌‌n h‌‌is f‌‌ace.
S‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌Darling, w‌‌hat's w‌‌rong?"
"There f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute y‌‌ou w‌‌ere s‌‌tarting t‌‌o s‌‌ound l‌‌ike m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife."
"Ex-wife!", s‌‌he s‌‌creams, "‌‌You n‌‌ever t‌‌old m‌‌e y‌‌ou w‌‌ere m‌‌arried b‌‌efore!"
Tom's r‌‌eply: "‌‌I w‌‌asn't".

[Just One More]

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend.
O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.
His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks.
"‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌‌n t‌‌he g‌‌arage a‌‌nd y‌‌ou p‌‌robably s‌‌hould j‌‌ust c‌‌onsider s‌‌elling a‌‌ll y‌‌our c‌‌ars.
Tom g‌‌ets t‌‌his h‌‌orrified l‌‌ook o‌‌n h‌‌is f‌‌ace.
S‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌Darling, w‌‌hat's w‌‌rong?"
"There f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute y‌‌ou w‌‌ere s‌‌tarting t‌‌o s‌‌ound l‌‌ike m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife."
"Ex-wife!", s‌‌he s‌‌creams, "‌‌You n‌‌ever t‌‌old m‌‌e y‌‌ou w‌‌ere m‌‌arried b‌‌efore!"
Tom's r‌‌eply: "‌‌I w‌‌asn't".

 

[Steve]

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter.
He told the two women, "you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket."

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket.
Soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her.
The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, "I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great,"
and the handsome man looked at her and said, "I am not sure either, all I did was step on a duck."

[Just One More]

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter.
He told the two women, "you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket."

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket.
Soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her.
The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, "I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great,"
and the handsome man looked at her and said, "I am not sure either, all I did was step on a duck."

 

[Steve]

I got sacked as the tour guide of the Vatican City.

As I was talking about the Pope, we turned a corner and I said "Ah, speak of the devil"

[Steve]

Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paints, who died this morning from hypothermia on the top of a mountain.

It's been reported that he could've done with another coat.

[Barman]

 

[Darwins Selection]

[Just One More]

 

[apc2010]

I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????


I said ...not the same since that Carol left ...

[Barman]

I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????


I said ...not the same since that Carol left ...

[Darwins Selection]

I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????


I said ...not the same since that Carol left ...

[Steve]

I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????


I said ...not the same since that Carol left ...