Fresh from the Inbox

[Barman]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"


I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....




She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............



I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!......

[Just One More]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"


I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....




She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............



I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!......

[Steve]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"


I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....




She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............



I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!......

[Steve]

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.
Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Who's is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"

[Darwins Selection]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"


I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....




She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............



I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!......

[Steve]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.

She's starting to sound more like my wife.

[Barman]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.

She's starting to sound more like my wife.

 

[Steve]

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"

[Just One More]

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"

 

[Steve]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

[Steve]

[Barman]

 

[Nick]

I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw

[Darwins Selection]

I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw

[Barman]

I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw

Excellent!