Lounging around today I've managed to remember the following list of EM's I'm willing to additonaly own up to
1) At a business function doing the rounds of ?polite small talk? chatting to a couple of which the wife of the two displayed a rather rotund tummy I made the assumption that the rotund?ness was due to pregnancy and enquired when the ?happy event? was due? Was informed, though gritted teeth I think, that the ?happy event? had occurred three months previously and that YES she was finding it difficult to shift the additional weight gained during pregnancy! Exit left obviously as speedily as possible?.
2) Being with Barman at the christening of a friend?s baby and over hearing Barman telling the happy father that ?wasn?t his baby really ugly? ? Strong desire to exit stage left again. Barman now trained to always respond with the innocuous but generally perfectly acceptable ?You must be very proud? at all future baby focussed gatherings.
3) Being quite young (around 17/18 I think) and going to first afternoon tea invitation at relatively new and quite posh boyfriends parents house. Things going quite well until, whilst sat at the dining table having posh tea and sandwiches I passed a little wind from the rear channel (Parp parp ) ? must have been the nerves. Thought ?just in case? would re-create a similar noise by rubbing new shiny boots against each other. New posh (but obviously not very gentlemanly boyfriend) responded with ??No need to do that now, we all know you farted??
4) One evening out my daughter and some other younger female friends on the razz. Wearing some type of top thing with loads of stringy tie up bits at the back which was obviously too much of a temptation to the general male population in the bar we were then at. Put up with about 5 or 6 attempted unties of the stringy top thing by responded with witty banter. However on the 7+ attempt warned the group of lads that ?enough was enough? and if they didn?t decease I would retaliate. As boys will be boys felt another attempt occur, so quickly spun around and place my hands between the nearest male legs and squeezed the ball area, saying ?now did you enjoy that?? Mortified when said MALE turned around (yes he had had their back to me) and it wasn?t a male but a FEMALE who wasn?t impressed and accused me of being a lesbian??.. The group who had been doing the untying had move off to the side and were cracking up with laughter as were my daughter and friends.
5) Meeting the CY local Mayor of our village for the first time and on being introduced asking him if he spoke and was able to understand English? Feeling totally smote when he replied in perfect English ?Yes I should think so, as I have taught English at schools here for the past 20 years, but thank you very much for enquiring.?
