More Top Tips

[Just One More]

SHOE EXPRESS customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.

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[Barman]

MEN. MAKE women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.

 

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SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 

[Barman]

TMR. Draw less attention to your disability by dressing up in children's clothes and passing yourself off as a toddler.

[Barman]

IF A MEMBER of your family suffers with Parkinson's disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes.

[Just One More]

IF A MEMBER of your family suffers with Parkinson's disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes.

    

[Barman]

TOWN PLANNERS. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments 'Sorry this bus is not in service'.

[Barman]

HOUSEWIVES. Look in the dictionary to find the difference between the words 'need' and 'want', then carefully choose the right one to use when talking about buying new dresses.

[Just One More]

 

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MAKERS OF the Gillette Mach 3 razor. Save money by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and forgetting about the other two.

 

[Barman]

OFFICE MANAGERS. When leaving your office desk for any length of time, make sure you leave your mobile phone on and unnattended. Set it to play 'The Yellow Rose of Texas' loudly, instead of just ringing, then complain loudly when you return and find it in pieces in the bin.

[Barman]

PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

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MCDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

[Barman]

FORMULA one fans. Recreate the excitement of your favourite sport by threading coloured beads onto a string, pulling it taut and lowering one end. For added authenticity, single beads can be used for practice, qualifying etc.