Author Topic: Hat, coat...  (Read 120693 times)

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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2280 on: February 27, 2019, 09:15:22 PM »
I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

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I mostly despair

Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2281 on: March 02, 2019, 11:23:48 PM »


LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2282 on: March 03, 2019, 06:17:05 AM »
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Offline Steve

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2283 on: March 07, 2019, 12:15:04 AM »
Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "500!" she cried,"500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 500."
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2284 on: March 07, 2019, 04:54:13 AM »
Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "500!" she cried,"500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 500."

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2285 on: March 07, 2019, 01:26:01 PM »
Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "500!" she cried,"500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 500."

 lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
I mostly despair

Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2286 on: March 12, 2019, 11:38:21 PM »
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Steve

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2287 on: March 12, 2019, 11:44:59 PM »
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
lol: lol: lol:
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #2288 on: March 13, 2019, 05:10:10 AM »
At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
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