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Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 355502 times)

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Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #690 on: May 23, 2011, 09:42:07 AM »
 
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.

lol: lol: lol:
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #691 on: May 23, 2011, 11:44:35 AM »
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.
drumroll:
I mostly despair

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #692 on: May 23, 2011, 03:31:13 PM »
A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"




Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #693 on: May 23, 2011, 03:43:27 PM »
A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"





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Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #694 on: May 24, 2011, 10:03:14 AM »
  If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?Why, Why, Why. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes,why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE........The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #695 on: May 24, 2011, 11:34:37 AM »
That last bit reminds me that everyone has a fat friend. If you haven't got a fat friend then you're the fat friend.

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #696 on: May 24, 2011, 11:37:44 AM »
 rubschin:


 sad32: sad32: sad32:
Skubber

Offline Snoopy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #697 on: May 24, 2011, 11:53:18 AM »
Why is TMR's profound wisdom in the Comedy Room?
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #698 on: May 24, 2011, 02:46:58 PM »
I love this doctor 



Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain... good!
       
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HARRROOOW!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

AND...

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.   
Skubber

Offline The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs)

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #699 on: May 25, 2011, 09:58:14 AM »
BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to 725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #700 on: May 25, 2011, 10:01:13 AM »
BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to 725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.

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Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #701 on: May 25, 2011, 11:06:37 AM »
Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....

Offline Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #702 on: May 25, 2011, 11:22:07 AM »
Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....

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Offline Baldy

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #703 on: May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM »
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

Offline apc2010

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #704 on: May 25, 2011, 01:37:08 PM »
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D