The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Just One More on April 03, 2008, 05:57:41 AM

Title: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on April 03, 2008, 05:57:41 AM
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few piles of dog shit in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound three notches above the volume you desire; then your wife will turn it down three notches. This will save you arguing and you have the desired volume in the first place

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again, this doesn't work if the burglars work during the day.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Next with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDonald's Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows by chavs.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a toss anyway and you could use the saved energy after you've been shagged to do the ironing and washing up.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on April 03, 2008, 05:15:49 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on August 01, 2013, 04:42:40 AM
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks.

KIDS. THREADING a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.

DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her "the ink's still wet!" Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.

NURSING home staff. Modify a bathtub by attaching roller skates to the bottom, and next time you give an old man a bath, roll him down a country lane for some 'Last of the Summer Wine' style fun.

RATS. IMPROVE your image by attaching a small brush to your arse and pretending to be a squirrel.

POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.

BANANA LOVERS. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 05:44:38 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 07:31:11 AM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:43:59 AM
DON'T WASTE money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.

ACTORS. Improve your chances of landing a role in a Tim Burton film by being Helena Bonham-Carter.

COMMUTERS. Give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but grinding routine by standing in the exact spot on the platform where the train doors will be when the service arrives.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on August 01, 2013, 09:08:19 AM
 lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2013, 09:27:19 AM
happy001 happy001 the lot
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 09:30:04 AM
TIME TEAM producers. Get more done in the 3 day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy fucker with the wispy white hair and stripey jumper to do some fucking work.

HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.

DRIVERS. Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 11:03:36 AM
THINKING of waterfalls and fountains is well known to help one urinate. Similarly, thinking of landslides and lorries unloading soil can help even the most constipated person clear their bowels.

B&Q. WHY not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can queue up for half an hour to pay for.

WHEN COOKING spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.

Growler would have liked that second one....  sad24:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: miss Tchevious on August 01, 2013, 11:49:51 AM
 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Excellent. What a way to begin the day. Mucho smileyo.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 12:12:29 PM
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea' as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.

BOIL AN egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell he to take the egg out the pan.

HEALTH SERVICE managers. Save millions by replacing the costly 'NHS Direct' service with a simple recorded message that says, "It's probably OK, but if it doesn't start getting better, pop along to Accident and Emergency."
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 04:35:32 PM
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea' as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.

BOIL AN egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell he to take the egg out the pan.

HEALTH SERVICE managers. Save millions by replacing the costly 'NHS Direct' service with a simple recorded message that says, "It's probably OK, but if it doesn't start getting better, pop along to Accident and Emergency."


AFFS!  cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 04:43:01 PM
BIG BROTHER winners. After having every fart, shit and piss broadcast to the nation, keep what little dignity you have left by not releasing a piss-poor single at Christmas.

WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy band' look.

PARENTS. Baffle everyone your baby daughter will ever meet by calling her 'Shivorn' but insist it is pronounced 'Sea O'Ban'.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 04:59:22 PM
FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 05:07:32 PM
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

MONKS. CONDUCT a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 05:07:59 PM
FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

happy001

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 05:09:42 PM
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

MONKS. CONDUCT a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

AFFS!  cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 05:15:38 PM
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 05:18:33 PM
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 05:21:22 PM
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:

Bollox - I won't post any more....  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 05:35:23 PM
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:

Bollox - I won't post any more....  evil:

Nope, do not stop.  Thumbs:  Just try some original ones next time.  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on August 01, 2013, 07:05:54 PM
Some crackers between the Affs ones though. Particularly...

THINKING of waterfalls and fountains is well known to help one urinate. Similarly, thinking of landslides and lorries unloading soil can help even the most constipated person clear their bowels.

FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

happy001

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown. 

 lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on August 01, 2013, 07:11:38 PM
COPPERS: Stop outside lane hogs. Close off the outside lane on all motorways.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:23:54 PM
OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid's worth of groceries at Safeway and you'll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won't have to rob your employees pension funds to shore up your profits.

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn't work by pulling their house backwards.

NICK. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 07:40:01 PM
OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid's worth of groceries at Safeway and you'll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won't have to rob your employees pension funds to shore up your profits.

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn't work by pulling their house backwards.

NICK. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on August 01, 2013, 07:40:53 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:41:44 PM
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:42:25 PM
SHOE MANUFACTURERS. Stop your shoes giving people blisters by making them out of plasters.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on August 01, 2013, 07:43:12 PM
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:

 lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:49:41 PM
HAVING TROUBLE getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.

DEATH ROW prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:51:21 PM
HUSBANDS. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife.

TIRED OF being nagged to walk the dog? Pretend you've already taken it out by unrolling a turkey rasher out the side of its mouth whilst it lies by the fire to give it that shagged out look.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 07:59:25 PM
ANARCHISTS. When smashing the state, take care not to burn down your dole office.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2013, 08:07:21 PM
^^^  happy001

MUSLIMS & JEWS avoid the supposed trauma of your children being accidentally fed gammon at school by having the dentist wire their jaws closed

CLASSIC MINI OWNERS avoid the endless expense of car repairs by selling your car as a project for a man in Cyprus

CARAVAN OWNERS end forever your social shame by letting that nice Mr Clarkson feature your 'van in a TV special
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 08:08:35 PM
^^^  happy001

MUSLIMS & JEWS avoid the supposed trauma of your children being accidentally fed gammon at school by having the dentist wire their jaws closed

CLASSIC MINI OWNERS avoid the endless expense of car repairs by selling your car as a project for a man in Cyprus

CARAVAN OWNERS end forever your social shame by letting that nice Mr Clarkson feature your 'van in a TV special

 lol: lol: lol:

 rubschin:

 cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 08:09:17 PM
DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2013, 08:12:26 PM
 lol: lol: lol:


TOO DIM TO PLAY I SPY WITH YOUR KIDS play Irish I Spy instead.  Get them to name an object and see if you can guess what letter it starts with
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 08:15:00 PM
GROWLER. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on August 01, 2013, 08:15:51 PM
 noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:14:57 PM
AIR GUITAR players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:15:29 PM
MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:15:43 PM
AIR GUITAR players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.


happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:16:09 PM
SUDOKU LOVERS. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/, (http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/,) typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:16:41 PM
SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:17:05 PM
PUBLIC TOILET users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:17:26 PM
SHOE EXPRESS customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:17:46 PM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:20:42 PM
MEN. MAKE women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.

 rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:21:15 PM
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:22:11 PM
TMR. Draw less attention to your disability by dressing up in children's clothes and passing yourself off as a toddler.

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:26:03 PM
IF A MEMBER of your family suffers with Parkinson's disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:28:21 PM
IF A MEMBER of your family suffers with Parkinson's disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes.

 lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:31:27 PM
TOWN PLANNERS. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments 'Sorry this bus is not in service'.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:35:32 PM
HOUSEWIVES. Look in the dictionary to find the difference between the words 'need' and 'want', then carefully choose the right one to use when talking about buying new dresses.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2013, 07:44:04 PM
 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:44:52 PM
MAKERS OF the Gillette Mach 3 razor. Save money by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and forgetting about the other two.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:53:38 PM
OFFICE MANAGERS. When leaving your office desk for any length of time, make sure you leave your mobile phone on and unnattended. Set it to play 'The Yellow Rose of Texas' loudly, instead of just ringing, then complain loudly when you return and find it in pieces in the bin.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:54:27 PM
PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:55:32 PM
MCDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 07:57:20 PM
FORMULA one fans. Recreate the excitement of your favourite sport by threading coloured beads onto a string, pulling it taut and lowering one end. For added authenticity, single beads can be used for practice, qualifying etc.

 ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 08:04:07 PM
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 08:07:49 PM
DON'T WASTE money buying Lo-salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2013, 08:09:11 PM
IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can 'feel' the question and stab you back the answers.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:39:43 PM
SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.

 lol: lol: lol:    noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:40:57 PM
PUBLIC TOILET users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:42:07 PM
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.

 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:43:01 PM
DON'T WASTE money buying Lo-salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.

 Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on September 12, 2013, 09:46:36 PM
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.

 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on September 12, 2013, 09:47:40 PM
PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

happy001

 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:49:12 PM
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:

 lol:  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:50:28 PM
TOWN PLANNERS. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments 'Sorry this bus is not in service'.

 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on September 12, 2013, 09:52:06 PM
SWAP YOUR husbands factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when he's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of blokes  from anywhere .
 

 :thumbsup: :thumbsup:   lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:52:30 PM
HOUSEWIVES. Look in the dictionary to find the difference between the words 'need' and 'want', then carefully choose the right one to use when talking about buying new dresses.

A Yiddish saying I think you might find.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 09:54:27 PM
MCDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol: lol:        noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on September 12, 2013, 09:55:32 PM
MEN. MAKE women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.

 rubschin:

 noooo: noooo:    ::)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on September 12, 2013, 10:54:49 PM
PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

happy001

 happy001 happy001
happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on September 12, 2013, 10:59:10 PM
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.
Out of date internet jokers, get rid of that 2004 feeling by reading a newspaper and find out about what's happened in the last 9 years.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on September 12, 2013, 11:08:41 PM
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.
Out of date internet jokers, get rid of that 2004 feeling by reading a newspaper and find out about what's happened in the last 9 years.

 noooo:

Give him his 15 mins.  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: miss Tchevious on September 13, 2013, 03:14:26 PM
PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

happy001

 happy001 happy001
happy002 happy002 happy002


total wine meets keyboard moment. outstanding!!!
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on October 14, 2013, 05:13:47 PM
Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines...

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on October 14, 2013, 05:17:59 PM

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines...

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million......... Thumbs:
Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on October 15, 2013, 06:02:51 AM
Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines...

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million......... Thumbs:

 happ096
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:48:45 AM
FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:49:26 AM
HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:49:54 AM
A MIXTURE of sour cream and mashed-up blackberries makes excellent imitation bird shit to apply to your neighbour's car after he's washed it.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:50:37 AM
EACH MONTH, put a pet mouse down the back of your sofa for a few hours. Hey Presto, all loose biscuit crumbs will be eaten.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2013, 06:51:29 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:52:02 AM
NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers..............

Gentlemen, to impress the ladies even more, increase the size of the photograph from A4 to A3 size
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:52:44 AM
WANKERS. Attatch a pedometer to your wrist and measure the calories you burn. Then you can proudly tell your wife how much exercise you have done.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:53:16 AM
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:53:57 AM
ABSENT MINDED people. Don't waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:54:34 AM
AFTER A hard night's drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto granules before going to bed and 'stir' by gyrating your waist. The following morning's inevitable bum gravy will be nicely thickened.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:55:05 AM
SAVE TIME by only ever watching one Bruce Willis movie.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:55:26 AM
PEOPLE IN lifts. If Bruce Willis gets in wearing a vest and no shoes, exit the lift at the earliest opportunity.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 15, 2013, 06:56:44 AM
Forum users, ensure you beat last November's statistics by posting lots of top-tips separately  redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2013, 06:57:39 AM
Forum users, ensure you beat last November's statistics by posting lots of top-tips separately  redface:

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 15, 2013, 11:31:32 AM
Forum users, ensure you beat last November's statistics by posting lots of top-tips separately  redface:

happy001

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2013, 11:50:32 AM
Forum users, avoid fucking up the 'Good Morning' thread by actually logging-in before mid afternoon.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 15, 2013, 12:00:54 PM
Forum users, avoid fucking up the 'Good Morning' thread by actually logging-in before mid afternoon.

 rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on November 15, 2013, 01:14:02 PM
Forum users, ensure you beat last November's statistics by posting lots of top-tips separately  redface:
:thumbsup:

Brilliant collection today JOM happy002 happy002  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 15, 2013, 01:55:51 PM
Forum users, avoid fucking up the 'Good Morning' thread by actually logging-in before mid afternoon.

Not my fault I was gubbed  redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 15, 2013, 01:56:44 PM
Forum users, ensure you beat last November's statistics by posting lots of top-tips separately  redface:
:thumbsup:

Brilliant collection today JOM happy002 happy002  :thumbsup:

<<< Wot Steve said JOM  :thumbsup:>>>>
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Landlady on November 16, 2013, 03:18:49 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2013, 03:22:34 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Landlady on November 16, 2013, 03:24:04 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2013, 03:33:54 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Landlady on November 16, 2013, 03:36:13 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:

 crash:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 16, 2013, 03:58:14 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:

 noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 16, 2013, 05:01:50 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:

  char090    of  course you would ..... ::)   






Not sure it will happen tho ...... rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 16, 2013, 05:03:51 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:


Amazon.......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 16, 2013, 05:10:20 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:


Amazon.......... Thumbs:

There's a link at the bottom of the page!         Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2013, 06:30:14 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:

  char090    of  course you would ..... ::)   






Not sure it will happen tho ...... rubschin:

[panto] oh yes it will! [/panto]
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 16, 2013, 06:37:58 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

 evil:


Awh .................... probably only happened because you are not well  pathead:

I'd prolly feel betterer if I ordered a new one like.....  sad24:

  char090    of  course you would ..... ::)   






Not sure it will happen tho ...... rubschin:

[panto] oh yes it will! [/panto]

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 16, 2013, 06:39:09 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

Or if you are that cack handed you can always fork out for a waterproof armoured case beforehand.  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 16, 2013, 06:43:27 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

Or if you are that cack handed you can always fork out for a waterproof armoured case beforehand.  whistle:

Top tip........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 09:29:49 AM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

Come on, who'd be daft enough to do that  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Landlady on November 17, 2013, 01:47:01 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

Come on, who'd be daft enough to do that  whistle:


Will try and make a claim on the contents insurance tomorrow  evil:

Does it sound better to say he did it, or shall I say the CAT did  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:20:04 PM
It was of course safely stored away on the shelf when the cat knocked it off     whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:42:03 PM
Don't balance your expensive PC tablet on the edge of the bath or it might fall off and break ........................

Come on, who'd be daft enough to do that  whistle:


Will try and make a claim on the contents insurance tomorrow  evil:

Does it sound better to say he did it, or shall I say the CAT did  whistle:

Definitely the cat. Experience has shown me that pussy is to blame for many of the wrongs around here

^^^ I suppose it should have really been preceded by a  horn:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:42:38 PM
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:43:08 PM
MAKE YOUR own cherry tomatoes by watering beefsteak tomato plants with bonsai feed.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:43:40 PM
ROYALS. To save embarrassment caused by Prince Harry's constant indiscretions, why not simply admit that he is the son of major James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:44:03 PM
SCULPTORS. When designing a new statue for your city centre, why not add a stone traffic cone to its head to discourage pissed students from risking death at 3.00 am.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 02:44:26 PM
HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:52:30 PM
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."



:thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:52:52 PM
MAKE YOUR own cherry tomatoes by watering beefsteak tomato plants with bonsai feed.

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:53:16 PM
ROYALS. To save embarrassment caused by Prince Harry's constant indiscretions, why not simply admit that he is the son of major James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:53:52 PM
SCULPTORS. When designing a new statue for your city centre, why not add a stone traffic cone to its head to discourage pissed students from risking death at 3.00 am.

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:54:57 PM
HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 02:56:04 PM
 :thumbsup:   That has added a few posts .....
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 03:13:06 PM
:thumbsup:   That has added a few posts .....

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 17, 2013, 03:55:45 PM
Bob Martin.  Make your dog-poo bags out of gossamer thin biodegradable plastic as it is environmentally friendly and dog owners don't mind the regular breakages and "poo finger". >:(
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on November 17, 2013, 03:58:32 PM
 point: point: point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Landlady on November 17, 2013, 04:19:01 PM
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2013, 04:21:45 PM
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 04:40:21 PM
Bob Martin.  Make your dog-poo bags out of gossamer thin biodegradable plastic as it is environmentally friendly and dog owners don't mind the regular breakages and "poo finger". >:(

Oh nooes .... scared2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on November 17, 2013, 04:50:40 PM
ANNOY AND frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please."

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on November 17, 2013, 04:52:19 PM
ROYALS. To save embarrassment caused by Prince Harry's constant indiscretions, why not simply admit that he is the son of major James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.

 lol: lol: lol:

Prince H for King methinks.  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 07:15:41 PM
HOMELESS people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 07:16:03 PM
CAR OWNERS. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 17, 2013, 07:16:57 PM
SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 07:38:54 PM
HOMELESS people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog.

 lol: lol: lol:

Might use that one day  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 07:40:15 PM
CAR OWNERS. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.

I say that sometimes...    redface: redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 07:43:00 PM
SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.

That's worrying  eeek:   scared2: scared2: scared2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 17, 2013, 08:51:57 PM
Bob Martin.  Make your dog-poo bags out of gossamer thin biodegradable plastic as it is environmentally friendly and dog owners don't mind the regular breakages and "poo finger". >:(

Oh nooes .... scared2:

Boogs, don't put you hand near your mouth....  Oh!
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 09:30:48 PM
Bob Martin.  Make your dog-poo bags out of gossamer thin biodegradable plastic as it is environmentally friendly and dog owners don't mind the regular breakages and "poo finger". >:(

Oh nooes .... scared2:

Boogs, don't put you hand near your mouth....  Oh!

Ohhhh Tipsy  sick2: sick2: sick2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on November 19, 2013, 10:17:26 AM
Do not start a both running and then get involved in a long phone call  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2013, 10:19:44 AM
Do not start a both running and then get involved in a long phone call  evil:

 point:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 19, 2013, 12:28:44 PM
Both what?
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 19, 2013, 02:56:43 PM
Do not start a both running and then get involved in a long phone call  evil:

 eeek:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 19, 2013, 07:06:28 PM
If you get a Turkish coffee with added hell from the falafel stand don't drink the last cm or so unless you like the take and texture of grounds.  sick2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 25, 2013, 07:41:56 AM
FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner, saving money and staying warm are my priorities.

In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 25, 2013, 07:42:19 AM
A sombrero in a bin liner makes a trendy 'hands-free' umbrella!
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 25, 2013, 07:42:43 AM
MAKE YOUR OWN GLITTER: by individually wrapping grains of salt in tin foil.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2013, 07:47:46 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on November 25, 2013, 08:49:04 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2013, 12:22:23 PM
MAKE YOUR OWN GLITTER: by individually wrapping grains of salt in tin foil.

Would this work with sugar....?  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on November 25, 2013, 12:23:25 PM
Only if you want to make pearls  ::)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on November 25, 2013, 11:23:22 PM
Only if you want to make pearls  ::)

 noooo:  sequins
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on November 28, 2013, 09:25:25 AM
When hoovering your computer keyboard be sure that you don't let any of the keys get hoovered up redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2013, 11:20:47 AM
When hoovering your computer keyboard be sure that you don't let any of the keys get hoovered up redface:

Not the 'Any Key'....?  scared2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 28, 2013, 11:24:28 AM
He'll be locked out now  noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2013, 12:06:55 PM
Parents: Protect your children from sexual predators and sadists by not naming them after letters of the alphabet.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2013, 12:08:50 PM
Parents: Protect your children from sexual predators and sadists by not naming them after letters of the alphabet.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2013, 12:13:50 PM
Parents: Protect your children from sexual predators and sadists by not naming them after letters of the alphabet.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

I made that one up like!  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2013, 12:14:44 PM
Parents: Protect your children from sexual predators and sadists by not naming them after letters of the alphabet.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

I made that one up like!  Thumbs:

 Thumbs:   
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:36:35 PM
 :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:37:39 PM
GENTLEMEN
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:38:30 PM
HOUSEWIVES.
I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:39:18 PM
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:39:51 PM
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:40:18 PM
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:41:00 PM
BRING the magic of Wacky Warehouse to your own home by charging yourself £3.50 to ignore your kids and look after their shoes.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:41:28 PM
CONVINCE visitors you’ve won the Euromillions Lottery by putting your heating on.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:41:54 PM
CONSERVE your smartphone battery life by getting into a loving relationship with another human being.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2013, 05:42:10 PM
STUCK for present ideas? A gift voucher is a superb way of telling that special someone you couldn’t be arsed.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2013, 06:53:10 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on December 21, 2013, 09:11:32 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2013, 09:23:24 PM
happy001 happy001 happy001  the lot
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 02, 2014, 04:29:35 PM
If you feel like a yummy snack do not rummage about in a cupboard and pull out some pickled chillis and then eat one whole like  evil:  scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: NickSick
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 02, 2014, 04:33:26 PM
If you feel like a yummy snack do not rummage about in a cupboard and pull out some pickled chillis and then eat one whole like  evil:  scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: scorchio: NickSick

 point:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 02, 2014, 04:37:40 PM
Even my eyebrows are hot  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on January 02, 2014, 04:41:33 PM
Even my eyebrows are hot  evil:

Missed your mouth did you?  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 02, 2014, 04:44:31 PM
Even my eyebrows are hot  evil:

Euphemism #3645
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 02, 2014, 04:49:10 PM
Have you been to the toilet yet........ rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 02, 2014, 05:08:08 PM
I have learnt my lesson about that one  noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 02, 2014, 06:26:39 PM
Bog rolls in the fridge and a bath full of cold water at the readylike .  . .    whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:25:07 AM
MEN. IF you have a bout of wind in a posh restaurant, tell the waiter there are crumbs on your chair. When he comes to remove the crumbs with a little hoover, you can fart to your heart's content.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:25:41 AM
OLD PEOPLE. Next time you start a conversation with the words 'Of course, it goes without saying...' you can then simply shut up, because whatever you were about to say obviously goes without saying.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:26:09 AM
GRATED CHEDDAR cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:26:38 AM
GIRLS. GET those old 70's bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:27:12 AM

MALES. IF stuck for something to talk about with other equally awkward males at social gatherings, simply pipe up about a random A road or motorway that you crossed on your journey and mention that it was 'quite busy.' This will spark off an exchange of similar road themed anecdotes that should last until hometime.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:27:38 AM
CINEMA BUILDERS. Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:28:02 AM

RACISTS. Convince others that you are not a racist by saying 'I'm not a racist, but...' before saying something racist.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:28:25 AM
CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:28:52 AM

FELLAS. Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:29:15 AM

A GUINEA pig makes an ideal paint roller for your next home make over. Use a mouse for areas that need finer detail.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:29:36 AM
HOMELESS people. Take the piss by asking for money 'for a cup of tea' whilst pissed out of your face on Special Brew.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:30:00 AM

LADIES. Cause unnecessary congestion at petrol forecourts by waiting for the pumps on the side nearest your petrol cap, as the 9-foot long hose may not reach round your 5-foot wide hatchback.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:30:22 AM

DRIVERS. If you catch a service station assistant drinking from a bottle of water, simply wink at her, laughingly asking if it's vodka. Even the most difficult day will be lightened by your chirpy humour.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:30:44 AM

LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:31:13 AM
TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock' , 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:31:37 AM

DOG OWNERS. Keep a plastic bag full of excrement behind the kitchen door. When you exercise the dog, take it with you to save collecting a new lot each time.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:32:01 AM
MIDGETS. Draw less attention to your disability by dressing up in children's clothes and passing yourself off as a toddler.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:32:23 AM
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:32:44 AM
DAVINA MCCALL. Disguise your lack of TV presenting ability by gurning excessively at any nearby camera. Nobody will notice a thing.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:33:02 AM
PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:33:39 AM
JOHN WAYNE. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.


(I always wondered about that as a kid)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2014, 07:34:07 AM
How's the post count looking for January  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on January 08, 2014, 11:29:51 AM
GIRLS. GET those old 70's bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on January 08, 2014, 11:35:16 AM
TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock' , 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on January 08, 2014, 11:35:55 AM

FELLAS. Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on January 08, 2014, 11:37:45 AM
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

 lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 08, 2014, 11:57:25 AM
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

 lol: lol:

 lol: lol: lol:

I liked the cheese one too!  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 08, 2014, 01:43:48 PM
CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack. . . .
. . .for your partner.


All excellent JOM lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 08, 2014, 02:55:21 PM
happy001 the lot JOM
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 08, 2014, 09:12:31 PM
GIRLS. GET those old 70's bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol:   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 20, 2014, 02:16:33 PM
When visiting Nottingham Library do not leave your frothingly angry pit bull tied up in the main entrance  cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 20, 2014, 02:18:32 PM
When visiting Nottingham Library do not leave your frothingly angry pit bull tied up in the main entrance  cussing: cussing: cussing:

You dog walking already...... rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 20, 2014, 02:20:13 PM
Not mine you mong  cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 20, 2014, 02:22:59 PM
Not mine you mong  cussing: cussing: cussing:

Well if you have left it at home it's gonna break your TV....... noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 20, 2014, 02:25:05 PM
Robby is upstairs doing his gymnastics
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:20:09 PM
CONVINCE old people to use the internet by telling them they will undoubtedly be sent endless spam.



SHOW your wife that you're still an old romantic at heart by scattering the ironing board with rose petals.



MASK the fact that you're socially inept when in the company of strangers by pissing about on your mobile phone.



ANNOY MC Hammer by going to a museum with him, pointing at every exhibit and asking ‘can I touch this?’.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:21:31 PM
JEREMY KYLE guests. Pay for your own DNA tests by saving up all the money you get from the tooth fairy.  happy001



RECREATE the joy of buying cinema popcorn by pouring melted butter over some polystyrene & setting fire to a £20 note.



TOASTED tea cakes make excellent hot cross buns for atheists.



SAVE money on holidays to Benidorm this year by listening to The Macarena whilst walking through Asda in socks and sandals.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:23:22 PM
STOP your kids having nightmares about a monster under the bed by explaining it's been eaten by the clown in the loft.



FIND OUT how loud your partner can scream by waking them up on an aeroplane flight wearing your life jacket and oxygen mask.  happy001



THE POLYSTYRENE discs under frozen pizzas make ideal floating bathtime snack trays.



CONFUSE the Google Street View car by running alongside it dressed as a house.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 24, 2014, 06:23:39 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:25:12 PM
GET THE ‘tea tree shower gel’ experience by pouring mouthwash over your head and squirting toothpaste in your eyes and arse. happy001



PREVENT neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' by simply washing every car and mowing every lawn on the street.



WOMEN. If there's enough room to spell "BOOTYLICIOUS" on the back of your shorts, It probably isn't.  lol:



ENJOY the sophisticated ambience of a sushi bar by strapping some peeled fish fingers to a Scalextric car.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:26:42 PM
PAINT your house number on your bin to make it easier for binmen to leave it outside the wrong house.



RECREATE a family “Come Dine With Me” by rummaging through your mother’s knicker draw then slagging off her apple crumble. happy001 happy001



CONSERVE your smartphone battery life by getting into a loving relationship with another human being.



BARGAIN sofa hunters. If you missed the DFS December Sale, Double Discount Boxing Day Sale, January Clearance Sale and the February End of Winter Sale, don't worry - the Spring Sale starts in March.



ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 06:28:26 PM
Oi! One tip per post!  cussing:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:30:31 PM
Are we down on posts for January  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 24, 2014, 06:37:09 PM
Are we down on posts for January  rubschin:

Yep..BM keeps annoying the guests,,,,,,,, noooo:  even that bird who wanted to do an article..... noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 06:46:52 PM
Are we down on posts for January  rubschin:

Yep..BM keeps annoying the guests,,,,,,,, noooo:  even that bird who wanted to do an article..... noooo:

 redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 24, 2014, 06:57:50 PM
All the above from JOM  happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 07:03:41 PM
All the above from JOM  happy001

Don't encourage multi-posts....  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 24, 2014, 07:30:55 PM
Are we down on posts for January  rubschin:

Yep..BM keeps annoying the guests,,,,,,,, noooo:  even that bird who wanted to do an article..... noooo:

Ooh yes?  rubschin: rubschin: rubschin: I had forgot
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 07:33:05 PM
Are we down on posts for January  rubschin:

Yep..BM keeps annoying the guests,,,,,,,, noooo:  even that bird who wanted to do an article..... noooo:

Ooh yes?  rubschin: rubschin: rubschin: I had forgot

Was it you?  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on January 24, 2014, 07:33:42 PM
Nope
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 07:42:32 PM
Nope

 evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:05:04 AM
SWAPPING the contents of your children's toothpaste with chilli sauce is ideal for indicating whether or not they've brushed.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:05:48 AM
KINDER CHOCOLATE. Prepare kids for the realities of life by leaving the occasional 'Kinder Surprise' empty.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:06:19 AM
A LADDER turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down things.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:06:48 AM
PARENTS. Prepare your child for the harsh reality of the world by informing them they aren't special & are quite plain looking.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:07:27 AM
^^^ My mum and dad did that  ;)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:07:52 AM
A CIRCUMCISED foreskin makes an ideal 'meat snood' for a Lady Gaga Barbie doll.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:08:19 AM
PRETEND you're visiting a 'nerd zoo' by peering in through the window of Games Workshop.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:08:52 AM
COMMUTERS. Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by riding a black cab home and holding up laminated numbers   happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2014, 09:09:23 AM
ELTON JOHN. Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John is a bit of a mouthful. Why not refer to him as your first bought?



GET REVENGE on neighbours with dogs that bark all night by stealing the dog & putting it in YOUR garden to see how THEY like it.



MOTORISTS. Unless you've kidnapped it, nobody cares if you've got a child on board.

 whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 25, 2014, 09:10:30 AM
COMMUTERS. Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by riding a black cab home and holding up laminated numbers   happy001

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2014, 09:15:10 AM
happy001 all excellent!  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 25, 2014, 11:46:19 AM
happy001 all excellent!  Thumbs:
oh yes

happy001 happy001

Would have been better if all in one post though  ;)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2014, 11:50:01 AM
A LADDER turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down things.

My fave!  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on March 22, 2014, 11:15:59 AM
 Some of these belong in here  ;)  (http://www.tickld.com/x/20-laziest-things-that-students-have-ever-done-)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on March 22, 2014, 11:42:56 AM
Some of these belong in here  ;)  (http://www.tickld.com/x/20-laziest-things-that-students-have-ever-done-)

happy001

 redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:31:16 AM
POST COUNT - Post top tips one by one to make the graph look better  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:32:25 AM
CASH STRAPPED police forces. The average police woman's uniform costs around £250. But Ann Summers shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:33:16 AM
MEN -  Make women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.  whistle:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:34:03 AM
HOSPITAL patients - Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 05:34:19 AM
CASH STRAPPED police forces. The average police woman's uniform costs around £250. But Ann Summers shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:34:49 AM
JURY FOREMEN. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 05:35:12 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:35:44 AM
PHILANDERERS. Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by only having flings with girls who have the same name as your wife.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:36:21 AM
SHOE EXPRESS customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:37:11 AM
LADIES. Prevent sexist workmen from shouting “Get yer tits out!” by having them permanently on display.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:37:53 AM
FOOL YOUR friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margarine and ripping holes in the bread.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:38:26 AM
GERMAN PERVERTS. Go to a beach in California and shout “Help! I've been stung by a jellyfish!” As the most natural remedy for this is dousing the sting in urine, you're almost guaranteed a golden shower from a gaggle of Baywatch beauties.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:39:11 AM
MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:39:42 AM
FOOTBALL fans with a lisp. Support Barcelona so as you can shout for your team without appearing stupid.  lol:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:40:17 AM
DEAF PEOPLE. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 05:49:31 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on May 29, 2014, 06:56:44 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2014, 07:51:23 AM
 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:09:12 AM
CASH STRAPPED police forces. The average police woman's uniform costs around £250. But Ann Summers shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke

 lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:10:47 AM
POST COUNT - Post top tips one by one to make the graph look better  :thumbsup:
spose that goes for replies too then
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 29, 2014, 09:11:43 AM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:12:23 AM
JURY FOREMEN. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.
drumroll:

 lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 09:13:07 AM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay

 Spank2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:13:28 AM
SHOE EXPRESS customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.
lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:14:27 AM
DEAF PEOPLE. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:15:47 AM
MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

 lol: lol: lol:

ah stuff this   lol: lol: lol: to all the rest in JOM's latest batch  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 09:18:30 AM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay
rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2014, 09:23:01 AM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 09:53:33 AM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 12:58:24 PM
 Spank2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 29, 2014, 05:18:40 PM
Men - attract bonkers women by pretending to be gay

 lol:  lol:  lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 05:20:23 PM
 Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 05:26:59 PM
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:

You're liking that bum action aren't you...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 05:28:10 PM
 knitting: knitting:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 05:57:40 PM
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Isn't your arm getting tired with all that spanking
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 05:58:39 PM
 horn: horn:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2014, 06:19:43 PM
Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Isn't your arm getting tired with all that spanking

 ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2014, 06:22:08 PM
 horn: horn: horn:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2014, 06:45:15 PM
horn: horn: horn:
you noticed  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:21:50 PM
A MAGPIE sellotaped to the end of a broom handle makes an excellent organic metal detector

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:22:19 PM
ROPE makes excellent Dental floss if you're a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:22:49 PM
A GREAT way to cure a cold is simply to rest for a few days, take Vitamin C and drink fluids. And by shutting the fuck up

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:23:14 PM
BEFORE chopping onions always be sure to rub a teaspoonful of ‘No More Tears’ shampoo into your eyes.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:23:42 PM
RECREATE that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on May 31, 2014, 08:23:55 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:24:24 PM
PUNCHING and strangling people is an ideal way to keep your hands busy if you've just stopped smoking.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:24:52 PM
PRETEND that someone is on a wacky prank show by smashing up their car with a sledgehammer then smiling and pointing at a bush.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2014, 08:25:15 PM
ROPE makes excellent Dental floss if you're a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:25:29 PM
BBC. Follow the success of ‘Lambing Live’ with ‘Dogging Live’. You might have to show it a bit later though

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:25:53 PM
BE SURE to get a "memory book" for your baby so you can show them when they're older how your interest in them slowly dwindled.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:26:15 PM
PAINT your house number on your bin to make it easier for binmen to leave it outside the wrong house.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2014, 08:26:36 PM
BEFORE chopping onions always be sure to rub a teaspoonful of ‘No More Tears’ shampoo into your eyes.

 lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on May 31, 2014, 08:26:46 PM
BE SURE to get a "memory book" for your baby so you can show them when they're older how your interest in them slowly dwindled.



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:26:59 PM
STUDENTS. Save money on expensive Bombay Mix by just tipping your keyboard upside down and eating what comes out.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 08:27:15 PM
KIDS. Don’t be scared about starting Big School. Heads flushed down toilets doesn’t really happen - they have knives now.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2014, 08:27:33 PM
BBC. Follow the success of ‘Lambing Live’ with ‘Dogging Live’. You might have to show it a bit later though

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2014, 08:28:31 PM
BE SURE to get a "memory book" for your baby so you can show them when they're older how your interest in them slowly dwindled.

 lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 31, 2014, 11:09:58 PM
happy001 to the latest collection from JOM
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on May 31, 2014, 11:16:42 PM
happy001 to the latest collection from JOM

 :thumbsup:   lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on June 02, 2014, 08:15:55 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 02, 2014, 11:27:35 AM
 worthy: As always.

When does your book come out?
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on June 02, 2014, 11:30:02 AM
worthy: As always.

When does your book come out?

One tip a page..... rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Miss Demeanour on June 02, 2014, 12:13:51 PM
Tip of the morning to you ?  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2014, 06:12:41 AM
Top tip: if booking a staggeringly cheap holiday to a Muslim country FIRST check the dates of Ramadan  evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2014, 06:34:37 AM
Top tip: if booking a staggeringly cheap holiday to a Muslim country FIRST check the dates of Ramadan  evil:

 point:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on June 14, 2014, 11:32:48 AM
Top tip: if booking a staggeringly cheap holiday to a Muslim country FIRST check the dates of Ramadan  evil:


 noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2014, 11:39:29 AM
Top tip: if booking a staggeringly cheap holiday to a Muslim country FIRST check the dates of Ramadan  evil:


 noooo:

What is that saying about 'something sounding too good to be true'....? I forget now....  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2014, 11:41:15 AM
 Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on June 14, 2014, 11:50:56 AM
Top tip: if booking a staggeringly cheap holiday to a Muslim country FIRST check the dates of Ramadan  evil:


 noooo:

What is that saying about 'something sounding too good to be true'....? I forget now....  rubschin:

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2014, 11:51:38 AM
 evil:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2014, 01:36:58 PM
It would be a 'pig in a poke' if they had any pigs.  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2014, 01:39:11 PM
It would be a 'pig in a poke' if they had any pigs.  whistle:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on June 14, 2014, 06:29:18 PM
It would be a 'pig in a poke' if they had any pigs.  whistle:

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 11:25:24 PM
WHEN a checkout lady asks you if you have a ‘Bag for Life’, don’t show them your scrotum.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 26, 2014, 05:34:26 AM
WHEN a checkout lady asks you if you have a ‘Bag for Life’, don’t show them your scrotum.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on November 26, 2014, 02:45:42 PM
WHEN a checkout lady asks you if you have a ‘Bag for Life’, don’t show them your scrotum.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on November 26, 2014, 06:20:11 PM
WHEN a checkout lady asks you if you have a ‘Bag for Life’, don’t show them your scrotum.

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:34:15 AM
IF YOU have a stutter, refrain from saying the word 'ghost'. Otherwise people will think there is one behind them.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:34:51 AM
HUGELY improve the processing speed of your PC by burying your head in your hands and whispering "Come on, for fuck's sake."   :thumbsup:


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:35:25 AM
REDUCE preparation time when making a spicy vegetable & quinoa laksa by simply buying a bag of chips & getting over yourself.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:35:55 AM
A WHOOPEE cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:36:44 AM
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

Apey  :thumbsup:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:37:11 AM
REGISTER with Groupon if you too enjoy deleting eight emails every morning.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:37:42 AM
FEELING lonely/bored? Just change your Facebook profile picture to that of an ultrasound scan.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:38:10 AM
RECREATE the experience of listening to Radio 1 by putting saucepans into a tumble dryer while a stranger fails to make you laugh

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:38:38 AM
RECREATE a family “Come Dine With Me” by rummaging through your mother’s knicker drawer then slagging off her apple crumble.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:39:05 AM
DOUBLE the battery life of an iPhone by putting the fucking thing down
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:39:49 AM
Increase the post count on s.....oh, AFFS  lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2014, 07:41:27 AM
happy001

Especially....

Quote
HUGELY improve the processing speed of your PC by burying your head in your hands and whispering "Come on, for fuck's sake."

 redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2014, 07:48:52 AM
happy001

Especially....

Quote
HUGELY improve the processing speed of your PC by burying your head in your hands and whispering "Come on, for fuck's sake."

 redface:

 redface:  redface:  But it works every time like  redface:  redface:  redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2014, 07:54:10 AM
happy001

Especially....

Quote
HUGELY improve the processing speed of your PC by burying your head in your hands and whispering "Come on, for fuck's sake."

 redface:

 redface:  redface:  But it works every time like  redface:  redface:  redface:

 lol: lol: lol:

It is exactly what I say too.... I must have read it in a manual somewhere....  rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on December 03, 2014, 08:55:13 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on December 03, 2014, 10:38:56 AM
 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2014, 01:39:05 PM
Top Tip: Always have a spare pump.....  whistle:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on December 04, 2014, 06:49:36 AM
Top Tip: Always have a spare pump.....  whistle:

I have got one.  Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 04, 2014, 09:27:12 AM
Top Tip: Always have a spare pump.....  whistle:

I have got one.  Thumbs:

Same as Hitler?
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2014, 10:07:04 AM
Top Tip: Always have a spare pump.....  whistle:

I have got one.  Thumbs:

Same as Hitler?

 ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on January 08, 2015, 07:52:09 AM
Save time and conversation in the first week of January by having, "Yes I did, did you?" tattooed on your forehead
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 08, 2015, 07:53:27 AM
Save time and conversation in the first week of January by having, "Yes I did, did you?" tattooed on your forehead

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 08, 2015, 09:33:55 AM
Save time and conversation in the first week of January by having, "Yes I did, did you?" tattooed on your forehead

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 08, 2015, 01:45:03 PM
Save time and conversation in the first week of January by having, "Yes I did, did you?" tattooed on your forehead

happy001
lol: lol: lol:

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 08, 2015, 05:11:14 PM
Save time and conversation in the first week of January by having, "Yes I did, did you?" tattooed on your forehead

happy001
lol: lol: lol:

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

 lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2015, 09:36:08 PM
People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "Oh, fuck yeah!" under your breath when you look at the photos..........
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: boogs on January 16, 2015, 09:42:58 PM
People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "Oh, fuck yeah!" under your breath when you look at the photos..........

 lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 17, 2015, 06:30:34 AM
People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "Oh, fuck yeah!" under your breath when you look at the photos..........

happy001

Tea >>> keyboard!  ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 23, 2015, 11:02:17 PM
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it........... ::)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2015, 06:34:31 AM
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it........... ::)

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 24, 2015, 02:11:42 PM
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it........... ::)

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 24, 2015, 02:12:39 PM
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it........... ::)

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 02:57:13 PM
TRAMPS. Instead of asking for change for a cuppa, put it towards a kettle and teabags. It's far more economical, long term.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 02:57:42 PM
PRETEND you're visiting a 'nerd zoo' by peering in through the window of Games Workshop.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 02:58:15 PM
CONVINCE other public toilet users you are much younger by loudly shouting "I've Finished!" from within your cubicle.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 02:58:44 PM
POLAR BEARS. Adapt to global warming by rebranding as 'Solar Bears' and moving to Greece.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 02:59:17 PM
TRAMPS. Instead of asking for change for a cuppa, put it towards a kettle and teabags. It's far more economical, long term.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 02:59:36 PM
CONVINCE other public toilet users you are much younger by loudly shouting "I've Finished!" from within your cubicle.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:00:03 PM
MEN. Instead of thick coats, woolly scarves and leather gloves, why not take a pair of bollocks out with you this February.   lol:  lol:  lol:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:00:43 PM
PRETEND your dog is a horse by not picking up its shit.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 03:01:19 PM
MEN. Instead of thick coats, woolly scarves and leather gloves, why not take a pair of bollocks out with you this February.   lol:  lol:  lol:

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:01:34 PM
Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.


Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 03:01:47 PM
PRETEND your dog is a horse by not picking up its shit.

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:02:27 PM
PHARMACISTS. Pretend to be skilled medical professionals by taking 30 minutes to put a packet of antibiotics in a bag.

Oh yes  :thumbsup:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:03:00 PM
PARENTS. Prepare your child for the harsh reality of the world by informing them they aren't special & are quite plain looking.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:03:34 PM
FOOL people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:04:01 PM
VEGETARIANS. Looking for a tasty alternative to meat? There isn't one. Eat meat. For fuck's sake.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:04:39 PM
PRETEND you're a cat by only ever doing a shit at your neighbour's house.  :thumbsup:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:05:06 PM
GET THE ‘tea tree shower gel’ experience by pouring mouthwash over your head and squirting toothpaste in your eyes and arse.

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:05:30 PM
STUDENTS. Save money on expensive Bombay Mix by just tipping your keyboard upside down and eating what comes out.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 03:10:44 PM
GET THE ‘tea tree shower gel’ experience by pouring mouthwash over your head and squirting toothpaste in your eyes and arse.

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 03:11:31 PM
PHARMACISTS. Pretend to be skilled medical professionals by taking 30 minutes to put a packet of antibiotics in a bag.

Oh yes  :thumbsup:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2015, 11:31:47 PM
 ;D ;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Baldy on February 15, 2015, 09:01:09 AM
 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on February 15, 2015, 10:48:32 AM
happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 15, 2015, 12:54:31 PM
 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

All splendid as usual.
Well done JOM  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2015, 06:33:29 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Fotmocnb1p%2Fdr_who_windows.jpg&hash=630203a4c5e1f06926d8902be41ec8d3) (http://postimg.org/image/otmocnb1p/)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2015, 06:55:09 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Fotmocnb1p%2Fdr_who_windows.jpg&hash=630203a4c5e1f06926d8902be41ec8d3) (http://postimg.org/image/otmocnb1p/)

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2015, 08:47:02 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Fotmocnb1p%2Fdr_who_windows.jpg&hash=630203a4c5e1f06926d8902be41ec8d3) (http://postimg.org/image/otmocnb1p/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 27, 2015, 11:29:53 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Fotmocnb1p%2Fdr_who_windows.jpg&hash=630203a4c5e1f06926d8902be41ec8d3) (http://postimg.org/image/otmocnb1p/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 25, 2016, 10:40:55 PM
Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.,,,,,, Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2016, 02:10:53 AM
Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.,,,,,, Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2016, 06:30:44 AM
Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.,,,,,, Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2016, 09:08:42 AM
Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.,,,,,, Thumbs:

happy001

 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 18, 2016, 04:01:07 PM
When listening to a Polish lorry driver telling you about his problem with some other driver on a narrow road, be aware that the phrase "I am surprised you didn't come to blows" does not seem to translate well.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2016, 04:06:09 PM
 facepalm:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2016, 04:33:45 PM
When listening to a Polish lorry driver telling you about his problem with some other driver on a narrow road, be aware that the phrase "I am surprised you didn't come to blows" does not seem to translate well.

happy001
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on February 15, 2017, 11:36:58 PM
Never fvck a woman who can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries ....... rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on February 16, 2017, 12:04:22 AM
Never fvck a woman who can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries ....... rubschin:
rubschin:

Give the man a clap for that one
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2017, 06:18:47 AM
Never fvck a woman who can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries ....... rubschin:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2017, 06:19:00 AM
Never fvck a woman who can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries ....... rubschin:
rubschin:

Give the man a clap for that one

 drumroll:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 16, 2017, 11:04:56 AM
Never fvck a woman who can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries ....... rubschin:
rubschin:

Give the man a clap for that one

 drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2018, 10:58:57 AM
People on the wireless. Instead of reading out a long list of names and finishing with, "and anybody else that knows me", just say, "anybody that knows me" and save  ten minutes of your life.
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on January 01, 2018, 12:59:03 PM
People on the wireless. Instead of reading out a long list of names and finishing with, "and anybody else that knows me", just say, "anybody that knows me" and save  ten minutes of your life.

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on January 01, 2018, 01:41:11 PM
People on the wireless. Instead of reading out a long list of names and finishing with, "and anybody else that knows me", just say, "anybody that knows me" and save  ten minutes of your life.


I’ve always been of the ‘if anyone mentions my name on the radio they are dead’ persuasion
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2018, 12:39:19 PM
If it's hot weather do not dispose of dead mice in the bin in the kitchen

More Maggots than the Maxi Maggot Multi Store

 sick2:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2018, 12:43:45 PM
If it's hot weather do not dispose of dead mice in the bin in the kitchen

More Maggots than the Maxi Maggot Multi Store

 sick2:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2018, 09:43:21 AM
When cleaning wine out of your laptop, don't spray brake and clutch cleaner on the wooden dining table.  confused:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on November 15, 2018, 10:47:40 AM
When cleaning wine out of your laptop, don't spray brake and clutch cleaner on the wooden dining table.  confused:
facepalm:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 15, 2018, 03:57:59 PM
When cleaning wine out of your laptop, don't spray brake and clutch cleaner on the wooden dining table.  confused:
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Nick on November 15, 2018, 04:00:37 PM
What kind of moron would do tha.................?

Oh  redface:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on April 28, 2019, 05:48:12 PM
Here's a tip for all the people complaining about McDs paper straws............




Take the lid off.................and drink it like a F5CKING adult......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2019, 06:05:34 PM
Here's a tip for all the people complaining about McDs paper straws............




Take the lid off.................and drink it like a F5CKING adult......... Thumbs:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2019, 02:16:44 PM
Here's a tip for all the people complaining about McDs paper straws............




Take the lid off.................and drink it like a F5CKING adult......... Thumbs:
noooo:

Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on July 03, 2019, 06:04:13 PM
Made me larf ....on video.."This is what happens when you drop an iPhone XS down a 300ft staircase.."


Reply .............

"Danial Nowroozi Wow thanks for the important advice VT. I was just about to do the same thing but luckily thanks to this video I decided to go down a staircase and made it a 299 ft drop."


 ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on July 03, 2019, 06:07:16 PM
Made me larf ....on video.."This is what happens when you drop an iPhone XS down a 300ft staircase.."


Reply .............

"Danial Nowroozi Wow thanks for the important advice VT. I was just about to do the same thing but luckily thanks to this video I decided to go down a staircase and made it a 299 ft drop."


 ;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on September 06, 2019, 07:55:17 PM
Friends are like snowflakes ........ rubschin:




When you piss on them they disappear.......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 07, 2019, 04:54:37 AM
Friends are like snowflakes ........ rubschin:




When you piss on them they disappear.......... Thumbs:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on September 07, 2019, 08:51:54 AM
Friends are like snowflakes ........ rubschin:




When you piss on them they disappear.......... Thumbs:

 lol: lol: lol:
lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on September 14, 2019, 09:50:31 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF/popping-candy-top-tip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF)
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on September 14, 2019, 09:53:10 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF/popping-candy-top-tip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF)

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2019, 09:56:05 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF/popping-candy-top-tip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF)

 ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on September 15, 2019, 04:09:07 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF/popping-candy-top-tip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF)

 ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 16, 2019, 09:02:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF/popping-candy-top-tip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq4vB7fF)

 ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on October 11, 2019, 05:15:14 AM
Annoy the members of ABBA by giving them a man at 11:55pm
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Just One More on October 11, 2019, 05:17:17 AM
SCHOOL KIDS:

Get someone to do your maths homework for you by putting difficult sums on Facebook and saying, "ONLY A GENIUS CAN SOLVE THIS!"
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2019, 05:18:45 AM
^^^ happy001 ^^^
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on October 11, 2019, 07:23:07 AM
Annoy the members of ABBA by giving them a man at 11:55pm
SCHOOL KIDS:

Get someone to do your maths homework for you by putting difficult sums on Facebook and saying, "ONLY A GENIUS CAN SOLVE THIS!"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on October 11, 2019, 04:45:09 PM
SCHOOL KIDS:

Get someone to do your maths homework for you by putting difficult sums on Facebook and saying, "ONLY A GENIUS CAN SOLVE THIS!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 12, 2019, 10:03:45 PM
SCHOOL KIDS:

Get someone to do your maths homework for you by putting difficult sums on Facebook and saying, "ONLY A GENIUS CAN SOLVE THIS!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2019, 09:07:23 PM
Dear Auto-correct .......


It is NEVER Duck........... noooo:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on October 18, 2019, 10:00:24 PM
When your wife sends you to the supermarket to get cucumbers also buy vaseline ....


so the cashier doesn't think you are vegan ......... Thumbs:

(apologies to Steve )..
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2019, 04:41:21 AM
When your wife sends you to the supermarket to get cucumbers also buy vaseline ....


so the cashier doesn't think you are vegan ......... Thumbs:

(apologies to Steve )..

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: Steve on October 19, 2019, 06:14:12 PM
 rubschin:
Title: Re: More Top Tips
Post by: apc2010 on October 19, 2019, 08:03:07 PM
To all the customers chatting on their latest i-phones at the laundromat........


You could have bought a washer and a dryer for 500 quid ....... noooo: