The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:22:10 PM

Title: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:22:10 PM
Do you have a problem? Lost your direction in life? Problems with the in laws or partners? Need some sound advice from a skilled and empathetic person? This is the place!!

Tell me all about it and I will tell you what to do!

However, we aren't here to witter pointlessly, so you are compelled on pain of smiting to act on my sound advice. No excuses.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2007, 12:34:21 PM
Do you have a problem? Lost your direction in life? Problems with the in laws or partners? Need some sound advice from a skilled and empathetic person? This is the place!!

Tell me all about it and I will tell you what to do!
Like toothache and stuff?  noooo:

How ?bout personal, emotional and sexual problems like Claire Rainer used to do? Or that Dr. Devlin in ?She? magazine ? always worth a read that was?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:37:04 PM
Anything you like. Just tell me and I will solve it!



(It's a gift I have)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 11, 2007, 12:38:29 PM
I'm addicted to message boards. Help me Uncle Nick. What should I do?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:39:45 PM
Smash your computer with an axe. By the time you can afford another one the cravings will have passed and you will lead a normal and fruitful life, earn more money and spend more time talking to your extended family.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 11, 2007, 12:43:05 PM
Smash your computer with an axe. By the time you can afford another one the cravings will have passed and you will lead a normal and fruitful life, earn more money and spend more time talking to your extended family.

But I'd lose my job. And actually would spend less time talking to my Mother, although more time to Mr Wench.  rubschin:

I shall think about it.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:45:52 PM
My advice is not for the faint hearted. Addictions to cigarettes or message boards can only be dealt with via drastic action.

Smash it now. And don't reply again. You are merely feeding your addiction! evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 11, 2007, 12:49:15 PM
I can't disapear. Who else would you call when you needed help in the middle of the night.  eeek:

I am SUPER-MOD!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:52:30 PM
Aversion therapy may help. A severe smiting from the collective customers and a new electrified mouse from

www.idon'twantoneofthose.com may be necessary.

If will power fails, pain and punishment often work

Or ask a friend to smash it with an axe.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 11, 2007, 01:05:53 PM
My name is Berek and i'm an alcoholic...hic eyes:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2007, 01:06:49 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 01:07:57 PM
My name is Berek and i'm an alcoholic...hic eyes:

Carry on as you are. You are in the pub after all. Have another 4 pints of Bishop's Finger and you will stop worrying.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 01:08:25 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman

Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you

If you can't afford this (they don't cost much) consider staging a house fire, claim on the insurance and start afresh
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2007, 01:10:24 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman

Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
Sage words - and the housework?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 11, 2007, 01:10:57 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman

Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you



 eyes:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 01:12:37 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman

Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
Sage words - and the housework?  whistle:

I dispense advice. You must act on my recommendations. If you can't be trusted with a Filipino lady around (or similar) then invest in some petrol and some Swan Vestas. Remove insurance policy from house before going any further
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 11, 2007, 06:58:31 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

I've set fire to the house, the Filipino lady has run away and it seems I don't have insurance.

Unfortunately, I not an alco or an addi to ease the pain - what should I do next?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 08:00:05 PM
That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.

I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 11, 2007, 08:45:27 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.  The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.  In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.  The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 11, 2007, 11:13:17 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

I have been advised to have a breast reduction.  scared2: I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick?  scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 11, 2007, 11:40:52 PM
That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.

I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.

Are you sure you mean breeding - I thought the word was feeding  rubschin: 

Anyway, they declined to join me in the handbag venture.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 08:48:11 AM
Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.  The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.  In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.  The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?


Buy ear plugs
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 08:49:55 AM
Dear Uncle Nick,

I have been advised to have a breast reduction.  scared2: I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick?  scared:


Make sure you have a lady doctor. Liposuction has come on in leaps and bounds recently and the procedure will be only mildly agonising.

And remember: recycle!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Sour Puss on May 12, 2007, 10:50:53 AM
Dear Uncle Nick,

I think a very dear friend of mine has "Fleas".  scared2: Should I tell them, or let them work it out for themselves?  scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 10:54:20 AM
Neither of these action sis necessary. But some top of the range spray (anything with lots of health warnings on the side will do) and then re label is as deodorant, cologne, "hormones to attract the opposite sex as seen on the interweb, guaranteed to make you irresistible" and then gift wrap it and give it to your "friend".

Alternatively just spray they when they are busy doing something else.

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 11:28:34 AM
Quote from: Nick link=topic=185. msg1834#msg1834 date=1178959691
Quote from: grumpyoldsoldier link=topic=185. msg1809#msg1809 date=1178916327
Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.   The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.   In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.   The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?


Buy ear plugs

What? 50 bloody quid for a consultation and all you tell me is buy earplugs!!!!! Are you bloody licenced????
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 11:30:32 AM
My services are free of charge. If someone had ?50 off you I suggest you complain to the management.

Ear plugs ARE the answer. Or get her a job here. Barman is after a cleaner. drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 11:37:32 AM
There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 11:39:07 AM
See him yourself! Well over 6 foot? Thick set? No neck to speak of? Cobweb tattoos?

I hear he is very approachable.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 11:39:48 AM
There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?
noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 11:51:11 AM
Quote from: Nick link=topic=185. msg1883#msg1883 date=1178969947
See him yourself! Well over 6 foot? Thick set? No neck to speak of? Cobweb tattoos?

I hear he is very approachable.

Thats the bugger. .  one eye in the centre of his forehead?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 11:52:35 AM
No that's his little brother. The one I was thinking of has 2 eyes but only one eyebrow (right across). He works alternate nights. Catch him later.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:40:30 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

Mrs. Barman wants to know the name of that blonde bird that did the ?Camay? adverts and used to host the Eurovision contest?  ::)

She thinks it was Kathy Kirby ? is divorce the only answer?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 03:42:47 PM
I cannot pin down the nature of your problem. Do you contend it was not Kathy Kirby? Are you concerned that she retains an historical interst in Kathy Kirby (a woman with a worryingly loud voice - though that doesn't narrow the field much scared2:).


Anyway, it was of course Katie Boyle. Tell her I said so and if she wants to argue the toss send her over here.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:46:16 PM
I cannot pin down the nature of your problem. Do you contend it was not Kathy Kirby? Are you concerned that she retains an historical interst in Kathy Kirby (a woman with a worryingly loud voice - though that doesn't narrow the field much scared2:).


Anyway, it was of course Katie Boyle. Tell her I said so and if she wants to argue the toss send her over here.
Oh, of course now she knew it was Katie Boyle, she says wasn?t her skin nice?  ::)

And? was Kathy Kirby the one that sang ?secret love? in the Eurovision and can she join the Virtual Pub forum?  eeek:

About that divorce?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 03:47:15 PM
Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor

hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 03:49:15 PM
Kathy Kirby did sing "Secret Love", but at such ferocious volume eeek: that people on other planets knew about it. IN the Eurovision or not I have no idea. Can we now resume the discussion of intimate personal problems please?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:49:39 PM
Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor

hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet!  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:50:40 PM
Kathy Kirby did sing "Secret Love", but at such ferocious volume eeek: that people on other planets knew about it. IN the Eurovision or not I have no idea. Can we now resume the discussion of intimate personal problems please?
This is my intimate personal problem?  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 03:52:52 PM
YOu sir, are in denial. If all you and the Landlady can find to argue about is Katie Boyle v. kathy Kirby you are obviously sublimating deeper, yea, even subconscious, hostilities.

I may open a small therapy room next to the SNug for the more murky stuff.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:54:20 PM
YOu sir, are in denial. If all you and the Landlady can find to argue about is Katie Boyle v. kathy Kirby you are obviously sublimating deeper, yea, even subconscious, hostilities.

I may open a small therapy room next to the SNug for the more murky stuff.
She?s bloody singing it now?  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 03:55:05 PM
I know, I can hear her through the window Angry9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2007, 03:56:38 PM
. .Katie Boyle. .
She had a brother called Lance.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 03:59:49 PM
. .Katie Boyle. .
She had a brother called Lance.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 04:12:16 PM
Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor

hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet!  point:



Bugger!!!! Why not.. I have been good?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 04:13:09 PM
Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor

hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet!  point:



Bugger!!!! Why not.. I have been good?
Ten posts minimum - try now  ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 04:17:24 PM
Luv ya! whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 05:20:30 PM
Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.

SO both of you have a cold shower.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 07:35:53 PM
I have a problem all right ? my bastard karma is falling faster than Nushites popularity.  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 07:36:16 PM
Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.

SO both of you have a cold shower.

 eeek:  Dear Uncle Nick,  H E L P   I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me.  My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post  redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon?  scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 07:38:24 PM
Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.

SO both of you have a cold shower.

 eeek:  Dear Uncle Nick,  H E L P   I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me.  My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post  redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon?  scared2:

Dr. nick is indisposed so I?ll answer for him ? please post numerous pictures of you?re erm, problem to help me with my, um diagnosis? I?ll boost you?re karma if you do too.   whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 07:39:37 PM
I have a problem all right ? my bastard karma is falling faster than Nushites popularity.  cussing:

You introduced Karma points, you live with the consequences

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 07:40:35 PM
Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.

SO both of you have a cold shower.

 eeek:  Dear Uncle Nick,  H E L P   I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me.  My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post  redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon?  scared2:


Read more carefully in future.

have a hot shower

I am surrounded by idiots Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 07:41:11 PM
Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.

SO both of you have a cold shower.

 eeek:  Dear Uncle Nick,  H E L P   I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me.  My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post  redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon?  scared2:

Dr. nick is indisposed so I?ll answer for him ? please post numerous pictures of you?re erm, problem to help me with my, um diagnosis? I?ll boost you?re karma if you do too.   whistle:

Ignore the pervert. No SMITE HIM
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 07:46:11 PM
Arse.  cry:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 07:47:00 PM
 point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 08:07:13 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

 lol: Thanks,  angel1 the HOT shower has restored all   redface: systems  redface: to normal.   cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2007, 08:09:27 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

 lol: Thanks,  angel1 the HOT shower has restored all   redface: systems  redface: to normal.   cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack).  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2007, 08:53:58 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

 lol: Thanks,  angel1 the HOT shower has restored all   redface: systems  redface: to normal.   cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack).  whistle:

Who runs this corner, you or me?

Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 12, 2007, 09:29:05 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

 lol: Thanks,  angel1 the HOT shower has restored all   redface: systems  redface: to normal.   cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack).  whistle:


I'm pleased to hear that. I have a friend - a duck - I accidently ate a part of him, he is upset about it.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 09:35:58 PM

Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?

Now it is interesting that you bring up binding, my dainty little size 3 feet  redface: were fine whilst I was a skinny schoolgirl, however now that I have ...How do I put this delicately?... become a tad top heavy... I could use slightly larger feet. So, no, I don't think binding will work at this stage.  Next idea?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 09:39:12 PM
Dinner ..my place?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 09:40:10 PM
Dinner ..my place?
redface:  What is on offer?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 12, 2007, 09:45:02 PM
Dinner ..my place?
redface:  What is on offer?
I can show you my tatoo's?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 09:47:59 PM

I can show you my tatoo's?


I am not that keen on eggs,(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1171050721%2Fimg%2Flaun.jpg&hash=a1c47902a8bae677ad3192a7e557e56f). Do you not have a Menu? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tattooblog.org%2Fimages%2Fbreakfast-tattoo_49.jpg&hash=f5cfe89323f54394be693edb4720518a)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 12, 2007, 10:05:45 PM
 eeek:  I see your tattoo and raise mine... censored:


(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpopuplace.com%2Fmkportal%2Fmodules%2Fgallery%2Falbum%2Fa_2232.jpg&hash=1350247e789446bbd7a53c03feafe96f)  Yours or mine? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.body4real.co.uk%2Ffiles%2Fb4rimg%2FShavers%2FMowLawn.jpg&hash=b2ace64144867c27687cd03a35aa9e2a)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 13, 2007, 08:01:32 AM
Dear Uncle Nick,

 lol: Thanks,  angel1 the HOT shower has restored all   redface: systems  redface: to normal.   cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack).  whistle:


I'm pleased to hear that. I have a friend - a duck - I accidently ate a part of him, he is upset about it.  What can I do?

I am unsure what sort of "accident" involves eating part of a friend. My answer depends on the identitiy of the part so consumed. I am aware of ducks being fitted with prosthetic appendages and these are widely available on E-bay. I suggest you make a small purchase there. Alternatively put him out of his miserty and have the rest of him for lunch.

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 13, 2007, 08:02:12 AM

Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?

Now it is interesting that you bring up binding, my dainty little size 3 feet  redface: were fine whilst I was a skinny schoolgirl, however now that I have ...How do I put this delicately?... become a tad top heavy... I could use slightly larger feet. So, no, I don't think binding will work at this stage.  Next idea?

Buy some flippers.

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 14, 2007, 01:52:23 PM
I wonder if you can help me. People say I am very boring. Mrs Boring does not think this, or rather she may think it but does not say it, though she sighs a lot.

Am I boring, and if so, what can I do to become more interesting?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 14, 2007, 01:56:02 PM
You could change your name.

O.K.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 14, 2007, 01:58:22 PM
Do you think that changing my name to Joshua Cadbury might help. I suppose people might view me differently and then that shify in perception might, temporarily, afford me the chance to engage them in conversation. I must consider this idea, but will also wait to see what Nick suggests.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 14, 2007, 02:03:21 PM
I am often asked this question. My advice is to "get out more". Salsa dancing is very active and the loudness of the music precludes conversation, which I think may be your shortcoming. Bright clothes help and ditch the crocheted underwear. It sends spooky messages. On no account mention your interest in balaclava helmets during initial conversations with strangers, wait at least 5 years.

That should do for a start. drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 14, 2007, 02:29:47 PM
I am often asked this question. My advice is to "get out more". Salsa dancing is very active and the loudness of the music precludes conversation, which I think may be your shortcoming. Bright clothes help and ditch the crocheted underwear. It sends spooky messages. On no account mention your interest in balaclava helmets during initial conversations with strangers, wait at least 5 years.

That should do for a start. drumroll:

Too late!  He already did!    razz:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2007, 02:32:14 PM
You could change your name.

O.K.
Yes, change it by deed poll to 'Mr. More Interesting'...  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 14, 2007, 02:33:40 PM
I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 14, 2007, 02:39:56 PM
I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.

Definitely radiation sickness!  He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now   eeek:  (Bigger) !    RUN.......... scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2007, 02:56:24 PM
I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.

Definitely radiation sickness!  He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now   eeek:  (Bigger) !    RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty...  whacky115
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 14, 2007, 03:01:24 PM
I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.

Definitely radiation sickness!  He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now   eeek:  (Bigger) !    RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty...  whacky115

 evil:  Where did you get that from?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2007, 03:06:42 PM
I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.

Definitely radiation sickness!  He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now   eeek:  (Bigger) !    RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty...  whacky115

 evil:  Where did you get that from?
point: Click on [more]  whacky082
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 15, 2007, 01:03:25 PM
I wuld be grateful if you could stop filling this thread with nonsense. That is my job. And I am pleased to see just how few psychological problems and so on members here have. Except for BRB of course. I wonder what "Dorothy "would have to tell us about him?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 15, 2007, 01:35:54 PM
THE NAME'S BORE, DOROTHY BORE. DESMOND HAS GONE OUT AND LEFT HIS COMPUTER ON SO I AM USING IT WHILE HE CAN'T SEE. I HAVE SENT HIM OUT FOR SOME CUSTARD CREAMS ACTUALLY. I CAN CONFIRM THAT DESMOND IS ONE OF THE MOST BORING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET, AND FRANKLY I AM GLAD HE HAS FOUND HIS WAY HERE SINCE IT STOPS HIM TALKING TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT HS BLASTED BALACLAVAS, TUGBOATS, FAMILY TREE AND SO ON. IT IS EXCRUCIATING. EVEN OUR NEIGHBOURS AVOID US SINCE DESMOND HAD THAT RATHER PEDANTIC ALTERCATION WITH THEM (ALL THREE SIDES, MIND YOU) ABOUT HIS DELPHINIUMS (HAS HE MENTIONED THOSE YET? WELL DON'T GET HIM STARTED IS MAY ADVICE).

I SAW THE SALSA DANCING ADVICE AND ANYTHING THAT GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE IS ALL RIGHT BY ME, SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CROCHETED UNDERWEAR BY THE WAY. HEALTHY!

GOODBYE





Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 15, 2007, 02:41:25 PM
Dear Nick.

Here's one for you.

I am trying to relieve my pressure (sic) by smiting Dot for shouting, but I can't because I have already smitten Des for droning within the hour.

Hhis is likely to cause serious syka psyka Psyca mental harm - do something.  Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 15, 2007, 02:46:38 PM
I smote Dot for you.  happy100
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 15, 2007, 02:50:30 PM
I smote Dot for you.  happy100

Ta, I feel a bit better now -   cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 15, 2007, 04:56:01 PM
I smote her too.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 15, 2007, 05:05:26 PM
Never let it be said I was one to buck the trend, make it a third smite  whacky007
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 15, 2007, 05:09:36 PM
My apologies. Dorothy gets a little overwrought sometimes and says things that she does not mean. She has had some custard creams now and is regaining her equilibrium (and librium too ha ha ha).














ANd I, rather boldly, smote her too! drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pastis on May 15, 2007, 06:21:57 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

I was chatting to my Russian intended, Olga, the other night and something gave me a nuance of suspicion.

Boris, her mother, is allegedly ill in bed and Olga thought it might be a nice gesture if I could send over a few thousand Roubles, via PayPal, to help with the costs of her medication.

Now this is the first time Olga has mentioned Boris and I'm a tad concerned because according to the transaction details they don't even share the same name. Olga has written her name (which I knew) as Olga Vontstocumova, apparently a common surname in her neck of the woods, whilst her Mum, Boris, is detailed as Boris Ripovsky.

Could there be a fly swimming in the borscht?

Fancifully yours,

etc, etc
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 15, 2007, 06:24:21 PM
This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 15, 2007, 06:31:25 PM
THE NAME'S BORE, DOROTHY BORE. DESMOND HAS GONE OUT AND LEFT HIS COMPUTER ON SO I AM USING IT WHILE HE CAN'T SEE. I HAVE SENT HIM OUT FOR SOME CUSTARD CREAMS ACTUALLY. I CAN CONFIRM THAT DESMOND IS ONE OF THE MOST BORING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET, AND FRANKLY I AM GLAD HE HAS FOUND HIS WAY HERE SINCE IT STOPS HIM TALKING TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT HS BLASTED BALACLAVAS, TUGBOATS, FAMILY TREE AND SO ON. IT IS EXCRUCIATING. EVEN OUR NEIGHBOURS AVOID US SINCE DESMOND HAD THAT RATHER PEDANTIC ALTERCATION WITH THEM (ALL THREE SIDES, MIND YOU) ABOUT HIS DELPHINIUMS (HAS HE MENTIONED THOSE YET? WELL DON'T GET HIM STARTED IS MAY ADVICE).

I SAW THE SALSA DANCING ADVICE AND ANYTHING THAT GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE IS ALL RIGHT BY ME, SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CROCHETED UNDERWEAR BY THE WAY. HEALTHY!

GOODBYE







 ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pastis on May 15, 2007, 06:56:37 PM
This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!
NEXT

Oh dear, seems your advice has frapp?ed the Glasnost, Nick.

This from Olga in reply to my / your suggestion...

Quote
ooh, you are such colt hart man! Yu think we knead asprin for our probs? And what this Golly Braun Gulag yu mention - I look compound in dixionary, it insult to our vine country. If no send money then Boris dye and we no marriage... I very sad now and weep tears to Volga. :((((
Poka poka, my Inglish xx

Still think I'm in with a chance?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 15, 2007, 07:15:49 PM
I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead

http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1 (http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1)

ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2007, 07:38:58 AM
I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead

[url]http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1[/url] ([url]http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1[/url])

ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!

Didn't somebody say Berek was a sick mother or something?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2007, 07:44:29 AM
I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead

[url]http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1[/url] ([url]http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1[/url])

ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!

I might write to Cherry ? we could do with some decent help behind the bar. Thanks Dr. Nick!  happy088

They?re not ladyboys are they?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2007, 08:04:10 AM
This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!
NEXT

Oh dear, seems your advice has frapp?ed the Glasnost, Nick.

This from Olga in reply to my / your suggestion...

Quote
ooh, you are such colt hart man! Yu think we knead asprin for our probs? And what this Golly Braun Gulag yu mention - I look compound in dixionary, it insult to our vine country. If no send money then Boris dye and we no marriage... I very sad now and weep tears to Volga. :((((
Poka poka, my Inglish xx

Still think I'm in with a chance?

Maybe we should hear Olga's side of the story. Why don't you get her to tell us all about it here?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 16, 2007, 11:23:38 AM
I want to ask you about Dot.

I am a bit frightened of her, if truth be told. She is, well, bossy and, even, strident. Shouts a lot, and she has a scarey way of wagging her finger. Do you have any recommendations for ways in which I could even up things a bit (without antagonising her further of course)

Thank you
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 11:26:11 AM
Submit and don't piss her off. It is the only way. If you've put up with it for this long you can put up with it till the day you die.  ;D
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 16, 2007, 11:27:08 AM
Maria, I just met a girl called Maria..

http://www.filipinaheart.com/Member_Profile.cfm?ID=730628&First_Name=maria%20milby

I'll have to lie about my age whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 16, 2007, 11:28:38 AM
Hello Boys !!

http://www.filipinaheart.com/Member_Profile.cfm?ID=720362&First_Name=monina

 eyes: eyes: eyes:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2007, 11:30:38 AM
Desmond, don't listen to her. You have to stand up for yourself. Work on your dancing. Put away your balaclavas.

Mix and mingle. There is a bigger world out there, even bigger than Dot.

Otherwise

Quote
Submit and don't piss her off. It is the only way. If you've put up with it for this long you can put up with it till the day you die.

What she said.

Choose. Submit or become a party animal. Gain confidence. Stand proud. Tell Dot who is the boss. (practice in a mirror)

I challenge you!

Oh, and yes, change your sig.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 11:35:27 AM

Choose. Submit or become a party animal. Gain confidence. Stand proud. Tell Dot who is the boss. (practice in a mirror)

 point:

Never going to happen! Too much effort involved.  lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2007, 11:36:55 AM
We have to encourage him. Some support, some challenge. Like a "dare" game.

I feel in my water that he may have a bash at Dot later. I await developments. We may be seeing a new and bolder Desmond soon. drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 11:38:53 AM
I doubt it. By Desmond's time of life the pattern is ingrained. He is a Pavlovian dog. No way on earth will it change. He may raise a token whimper but then she will raise an eyebrow threaten to bang some saucepans about and he will be a quivering wreck.  ;D
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2007, 11:42:51 AM
He hasn't mentioned saucepans yet. Have you been talking to him privately? whacky069

There's an idea. We could set him up with a bar wench. He would enjoy that. Consider yourself on standby!















oh, nearly forgot





















 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 11:46:44 AM
We all rattle saucepans as a sign of displeasure.  eveilgrin: Some of us even go out and buy new pointless expensive ones for the express purpose of rattling.  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2007, 11:48:17 AM
Do you? whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 11:50:31 AM
Do you? whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069


PUT THE DAMN CIGARETTE OUT!!!!

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lazyduck.co.uk%2Fsaucepans.jpg&hash=c9b1bb621198f2c31a410a6bac68f7ef)


Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 16, 2007, 12:03:23 PM
Thanks Uncle Nick.

Dot has gone to her whist afternoon. I am going to rehearse in front of the mirror drumroll:

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 16, 2007, 12:15:59 PM
Dot came back (she had forgotten something trivial). She caught me gesticulating.  cry:

Oh, this seems good

 scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 16, 2007, 12:18:17 PM
Take it all back BBB is clearly the choosen one. Follow the white rabbit!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2007, 12:25:30 PM
Suddenly, colonic irrigation doesn't seem such a bad idea.  Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 16, 2007, 12:59:28 PM
What does that involve Mr DS? I have a watering can, and Dot has a hose for the further reaches. Is it fun?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2007, 01:53:12 PM
What does that involve Mr DS? I have a watering can, and Dot has a hose for the further reaches. Is it fun?
I am sure you would enjoy it.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 16, 2007, 02:33:12 PM
 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 16, 2007, 02:34:29 PM
She is out for a while. I am working on it.

I promise


























 drumroll:

I like that
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 16, 2007, 07:06:15 PM
Dear Uncle Nick.

I have a problem.  I have a friend who has developed Paranoid Delusional Schizophrenia (or maybe multiple personality disorder) (or perhaps both) and I am worried that he is losing his marbles.

I had considered stalking him with my tank to try to re-establish his tenuous link with reality but fear that the authorities may consider this method a little overreaching.

Can you offer any ideas?

Yours adoringly

Bouncer (and Kitty)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2007, 09:21:13 AM
This "friend" of yours (I am always a little suspicious when people talk about their "friend's" problems), can you be more specific. Multiple Personality Disorder is a worrying phenomenon, since you never know who you are talking to exactly. Do you regard your "friend's" problem as dangerous (e.g. going bonkers with a machine gun in Woolworth's or similar) or merely disturbing (who is it today?)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 17, 2007, 09:58:47 AM
This "friend" of yours (I am always a little suspicious when people talk about their "friend's" problems), can you be more specific. Multiple Personality Disorder is a worrying phenomenon, since you never know who you are talking to exactly. Do you regard your "friend's" problem as dangerous (e.g. going bonkers with a machine gun in Woolworth's or similar) or merely disturbing (who is it today?)

Oh No!  He's not dangerous (Well, the one's I've met aren't) I just worry in case it's catching.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2007, 10:03:29 AM
MPD is not catching, unless someone rubs you hard, in which case MPD virions may transmit themselves through your skin and into your bloodstream. So do not allow your "friend" to rub you.

Fleas are far more dangerous!

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pastis on May 17, 2007, 04:05:03 PM
NEXT?

Ah, yes,

Dear Uncle Nick,

I am hoping that your expertise extends to problems in the kitchen. With the arrival of warmer temperatures comes that perennial problem of lettuce rust. I can't remember how I dealt with it last year - but that's a different dilemma.

I have tried abrading the leading edge of the leaf with some coarse grade emery cloth but can't get the purchase on it that one might hope for.

Is there some kind of rust-resistant primer or treatment that one can apply? The rust seems to come back ever so quickly confused:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2007, 06:06:08 PM
Just throw it away and buy new lettuce. How cheap are you? drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 17, 2007, 06:13:25 PM
Dear Uncle Nick,

My friends think I am a bit odd because I spend all my time hanging out with middle aged men in a stinky old bar being verbally abused and waving a whip about. Am I odd?

Yours

Wittering Wench
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2007, 06:19:27 PM
NO. Quite normal for a girl of your age. Tell your "friends" that they are nuts, refer to me if they have any concerns.

They are psychotic. Trust me. I know these things.

NOt sure? Test them.

Use this

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp)

Should be interesting!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 17, 2007, 06:29:41 PM
Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences % 
67 25 75 1

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

 You are:
distinctively expressed introvert

moderately expressed sensing personality

distinctively expressed feeling personality

slightly expressed judging personality

Which is all lovely but what on earth does it mean!?!?!?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 17, 2007, 06:37:21 PM
Well according to that I'm a counselor idealist nick. Wenchy, check the  type definitions for more information about your personality type.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 17, 2007, 06:45:03 PM
Apparently I am unappreciated in my day to day life. So true.  sad24:

Interior Decorators
Designers
Nurses
Administrators and Managers
Administrative Assistants
Child Care / Early Childhood Development
Social Work / Counselors
Paralegals
Clergy / Religious Workers
Office Managers
Shopkeepers
Bookkeepers
Home Economics

So apparently my line of work is exactly what I should be doing. How depressing.  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 17, 2007, 06:52:13 PM
Actually from what I've read of your postings I can see you as a nurse, you certainly have that slightly warped sense of humour  whistle:

A Wench of the cloth though? I can see a smite on the horizon for this but would that make you Nun the Wiser  drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2007, 07:39:22 PM
NURSE!!

Gotcha!! drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 17, 2007, 09:36:55 PM
Quote
Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences % 
67 25 75 1

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

 You are:
distinctively expressed introvert

moderately expressed sensing personality

distinctively expressed feeling personality

slightly expressed judging personality



Which is all lovely but what on earth does it mean!?!?!?

You need to get out more. whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pastis on May 17, 2007, 11:06:34 PM
Just throw it away and buy new lettuce. How cheap are you? drumroll:

This is a sympathetic ear? eeek:

I may have to call Olga eyes:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Olga on May 17, 2007, 11:30:51 PM
Hello Mr Nicky,

My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . .  have good ears anyhow.

Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work.  But she is slep now and most for some time.

So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . .  what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . .  hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)

Poka poka, send me pics darlink,

Olga
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 18, 2007, 07:11:18 AM
I fucking despair  Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2007, 07:38:32 AM
I fucking despair  Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you?  scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: GROWLER on May 18, 2007, 08:19:56 AM
I fucking despair  Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you?  scared2:


Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 18, 2007, 08:47:14 AM
. .  have good ears anyhow.
  eeek:
What is Russian for "Jug Ears"?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 18, 2007, 09:23:06 AM
. .  have good ears anyhow.
  eeek:
What is Russian for "Jug Ears"?

Charleski?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on May 18, 2007, 09:28:44 AM
 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 18, 2007, 11:24:14 AM
It was the best I could come up with on only 2 coffees  eatdrink013
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2007, 06:43:03 PM
 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2007, 06:44:32 PM
I fucking despair  Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you?  scared2:


Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:

Mutual!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 18, 2007, 06:50:33 PM
I fucking despair  Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you?  scared2:


Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:



Mutual!


Now cut it out girls!  We don't want any van dumping on this board!   noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2007, 08:00:12 PM
Try this

http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis (http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis)

Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 18, 2007, 10:16:07 PM
Try this

[url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url] ([url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url])

Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!

 drumroll:


Ha!  I only scored 5!  I'm still real.   Why only Russian girls?  Some people 'round 'ere prefer Polish totty.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: GROWLER on May 18, 2007, 10:25:46 PM
Now cut it out girls!  We don't want any van dumping on this board!   noooo:
And WHAT pray may I ask, is VAN dumping?

Meanwhile, I scored a very honest 3. happ096
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 19, 2007, 02:45:04 PM
Try this

[url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url] ([url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url])

Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!

 drumroll:

I scored 1 ~ do I win a Volkswagen?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 19, 2007, 03:59:54 PM

Now cut it out girls!  We don't want any van dumping on this board!   noooo:

And WHAT pray may I ask, is VAN dumping?

Meanwhile, I scored a very honest 3. happ096


Huh!

Van dumping...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article1806404.ece
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 19, 2007, 04:04:08 PM
You scored 4 out of 23
Well done. You are a low risk candidate. You'll be glad to know that you're neither in a midlife crisis nor are you heading for one.


Is that good or bad?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 19, 2007, 04:45:08 PM
Inaccurate more like!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 19, 2007, 05:13:08 PM
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!

How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on May 19, 2007, 05:17:16 PM
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!

How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss

Ha! The old real life denial syndrome is alive and well...  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on May 19, 2007, 09:20:54 PM
Hello Mr Nicky,

My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . .  have good ears anyhow.

Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work.  But she is slep now and most for some time.

So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . .  what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . .  hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)

Poka poka, send me pics darlink,

Olga
I am sure you are welsh, do you know Lloyd George?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2007, 05:58:30 AM
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!

How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
Honest!

I?ll go through the questions if you like ? I bet the only thing that let me down was admitting to competing with children?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: GROWLER on May 20, 2007, 07:01:47 AM
Honest!

Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2007, 07:25:58 AM
Honest!

Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags.  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: ice and a slice on May 20, 2007, 08:23:33 AM
Honest!

Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags.  whistle:

Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2007, 08:31:20 AM
Honest!

Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags.  whistle:

Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?


Cheap I said ? not ?decent??  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: ice and a slice on May 20, 2007, 08:34:46 AM
Honest!

Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags.  whistle:

Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?


Cheap I said ? not ?decent??  ::)

Battery acid?  Hmmm...I'll give it a miss then  "life is too short for bad wine" as they say! 8)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 20, 2007, 11:03:25 AM
Hello Mr Nicky,

My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . .  have good ears anyhow.

Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work.  But she is slep now and most for some time.

So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . .  what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . .  hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)

Poka poka, send me pics darlink,

Olga

This is the closest I can find here recently to some sort of plea for advice, though it is somewhat oblique. Olga, my dear, so I prescribe cold showers and vodka.

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 21, 2007, 04:49:04 PM
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!

How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss

 :lalalala

On the grounds of personal safety I'm not touching that one with a barge pole  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bikini Girl on May 21, 2007, 05:17:51 PM
Try this

[url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url] ([url]http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis[/url])

Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!

 drumroll:


 eeek:

Test Results
You scored 6 out of 23

You've done ok but you're starting to show signs of deterioration

You may find yourself wanting to wear bandanas, or you could get the urge to have your ears pierced.

Just to be on the safe side we'd advise you to book into the Midlife Crisis Retreat as soon as possible. It's a centre where you can get any midlife urges out of your system before they start. Then you can happily get on with the rest of your life.

After that you'll always be in the right state of mind to appreciate the finely engineered and refined features of the Volkswagen Passat.   noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 21, 2007, 08:53:54 PM
Hello Mr Nicky,

My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . .  have good ears anyhow.

Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work.  But she is slep now and most for some time.

So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . .  what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . .  hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)

Poka poka, send me pics darlink,

Olga

Olga

I am your man!

I am Desmond Bore. Dot is no more. Dot is, er, away. let us meet and frolic. Our time has come. This is the new detente!!


How do you like my delphiniums?

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 21, 2007, 08:55:52 PM
Best of luck Des, You'll need it. eeek:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 21, 2007, 09:01:14 PM
I think they may sort each other out, one way or another! drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2007, 07:36:18 AM
I think they may sort each other out, one way or another! drumroll:
Can't be arsed to look up the names, but the Hitchikers guide male/female clones seem a likely parallel.

Lintilla was it? One of you geeks will know. ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 01:36:46 PM
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2007, 01:43:06 PM
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!
More to the point, where is GOB?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 01:46:27 PM
Perhaps he needs a little time alone with the turkeys? Communing with nature, as he nurses his little broken heart.

Or perhaps he just needs some time alone with the turkeys evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2007, 02:06:05 PM
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!

We are still in contact, thank you for your enquiry.

So far she has clearly resisted the invitation to come for a drink. noooo:

How is your broken leg by the way?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 02:08:23 PM
What exactly did you invite her to do?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2007, 02:10:31 PM
What exactly did you invite her to do?
I though a couple of Mackesons on quiz night would suit her, but she never turned up. cry:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 02:11:24 PM
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2007, 02:19:33 PM
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2007, 02:22:23 PM
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 02:29:18 PM
I received this anonymously:

Quote
"Dear Uncle Nick

My BF is a teacher. I have recently discovered that he is consorting with a Russian lady called Olga, who is, as I well know, lavishing her charms on any man who can stand upright and has some teeth. What do you recommend as revenge?"


I have no idea who it is from, but I rush to her aid.

Strangle him with a dressing gown cord and make sure he is insured first. Commit the perfect murder, leave the country on the insurance money and go to live somewhere sunnier. See also here:

http://www.parmaq.com/truecrime/HowTo.htm

Never fails
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2007, 02:31:17 PM
I received this anonymously:

Quote
"Dear Uncle Nick

My BF is a teacher. I have recently discovered that he is consorting with a Russian lady called Olga, who is, as I well know, lavishing her charms on any man who can stand upright and has some teeth. What do you recommend as revenge?"

Remove his teeth and any other body parts enjoyed by Olga.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2007, 02:35:45 PM
Wouldn't be much left then!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on May 23, 2007, 11:49:47 AM
Olga went for the pies and beer. I fear she has been doing this for some years. What can I do uncle Nick, she is eating everything in sight and inflicted a tempestuous night on me. I think she is over-stoked!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 23, 2007, 12:14:30 PM
Send her packing before she is at risk of getting stuck in your door frame. Or set Dot on her!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on May 23, 2007, 12:15:17 PM
Too late. Desmond's new personality drove Dot from the house.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on May 23, 2007, 12:16:12 PM
Yes, but Dot's jealousy may change the course of events! drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 07, 2007, 08:36:26 AM
Dear Aunty Uncle Nick,

We were shocked to learn last night, that a friend of our middle son has announced that he is a secret Morris Dancer.

Our children were always taught to eschew such unnatural practices, but my son has expressed an interest in going to see his friend "perform".

We are very concerned that our boy may be drawn into this culture and wonder if there is any cure?

Yours in hope

Mr ans Mrs(#3) D. Selection.



P.S. Please do not publish our names.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 08, 2007, 08:18:58 AM
Tell him to take a shotgun. All Morris Dancers should be shot and the Government, in a little noticed piece of legislation, has made it legal to do so.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2007, 08:45:48 AM
Dear Auntie Nick,

There are two vultures circling above my house ? do they portend some disastrous Nickesque event?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on June 24, 2007, 01:04:29 PM
Dear Auntie Nick,

There are two vultures circling above my house ? do they portend some disastrous Nickesque event?

It is possible that they are anticipating another brew explosion.

They may be addicted.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 07:36:56 AM
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 25, 2007, 07:39:53 AM
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.


They could employ some in the NHS, literally rather than metaphorically as at present.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 07:51:49 AM
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.
Me or Mrs. Barman?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 08:07:20 AM
Could be either of you whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 25, 2007, 08:34:40 AM
Vultures are adept . . .. Go to the doctor.
They could employ some in the NHS. . .

Vultures or doctors?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on June 25, 2007, 08:36:28 AM
Vultures they have ~ only they call them managers

Doctors they have ~ mostly called Vipin or Vinod
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 09:56:30 AM
Could be either of you whistle:
Well you?re not much bloody help are you?  Banghead

Call yourself an Agony Aunt????  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 10:19:30 AM
Both go to the doctor. Not together obviously, in case anyone has a sort of STD............. noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 25, 2007, 10:27:01 AM
in case anyone has a sort of STD.
Is that something to do with phone sex?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on June 25, 2007, 10:28:35 AM
It may be a code of some sort  freddy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 10:37:54 AM
Both go to the doctor. Not together obviously, in case anyone has a sort of STD............. noooo:
Would that be fatal then?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on June 25, 2007, 10:40:37 AM
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 10:45:12 AM
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
OMG!  shocked003
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 11:08:02 AM
Doctor fast!

Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on June 25, 2007, 11:09:17 AM
Doctor fast!

Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p



Does it clean drains as well?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 11:11:21 AM
Yes, but you will need 500 litres. Do you wish delivery?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 11:20:07 AM
Doctor fast!

Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p


How much p&p exactly?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 11:22:15 AM
It is heavy stuff. Like a syrup you paint onto things, including yourselves if necessary. Fragrant too. ?10 a litre P&P. But very effective!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 11:24:39 AM
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff!  ;D

I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to?  confused2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: grumpyoldsoldier on June 25, 2007, 11:33:50 AM
Stick your head out od the window...any vultures.. of course there bloody isn't... its a scam, every bugger knows that vultures fly north during Wimbledon Week.

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 11:37:32 AM
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff!  ;D

I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to?  confused2:


Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 11:44:31 AM
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff!  ;D

I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to?  confused2:



Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way

1000 litres at 15:99 per litre? Hello? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Ffinger007.gif&hash=3b679eb3b3f27ee423bdf07965114efb) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 12:14:19 PM
Cash will do. Trust me, this stuff is good!

Do you take tankers?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on June 25, 2007, 12:21:28 PM
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.

So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then?    ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 25, 2007, 12:42:49 PM
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then?    ;)
After her performance at the Karaoke night, I am still to be convinced. whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 12:56:35 PM
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then?    ;)
After her performance at the Karaoke night, I am still to be convinced. whistle:
I had a sore throat that night...  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 01:00:10 PM
You need some Uncle Nick throat lubricant. Only ?5.99 a litre + P&P!

Same stuff as vulture repellent actually, but with mint flavouring
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on June 25, 2007, 01:11:54 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on June 25, 2007, 01:15:17 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:

Be fair, the sort you are talking about is usually offered free!  ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 25, 2007, 01:15:32 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:
Very wise indeed. spider:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on June 25, 2007, 01:18:42 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:

Be fair, the sort you are talking about is usually offered free!  ;)

True. I am gullible though. I'm sure with a good tv advert involving giant cakes I could be persuaded to pay for it.  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 01:22:45 PM
Can you keep this thread free of clutter PLEASE
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 01:26:45 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:

Who by exactly?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 01:28:44 PM
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant.  eeek:

Who by exactly?

Ahem...  whistle:

Quote from: Nick
Can you keep this thread free of clutter PLEASE
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2007, 01:29:25 PM
You too
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2007, 01:31:38 PM
You too
You?re upset because nobody has bought your vulture repellent/throat lubricator/hair restorer aren?t you?  happy100
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on June 25, 2007, 01:37:13 PM
My Dad.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 26, 2007, 08:04:39 PM
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff!  ;D

I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to?  confused2:


Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way
Ship it. There were six this evening...  scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 27, 2007, 07:07:36 AM
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 27, 2007, 07:09:31 AM
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.
I?ve developed a nasty cough since using the hubble-bubble pipe on Monday.  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on June 27, 2007, 12:19:38 PM
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.

Which is why they have such a dilemma when it comes to Chez Nick. There is obviously going to be cataclysNick event before long but self preservation clashes with the scavenging instincts  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 27, 2007, 12:20:35 PM
Swans are my problem, not vultures.

OK?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 27, 2007, 12:32:08 PM
One mans swan is another mans vulture. drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 28, 2007, 10:01:20 AM
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on June 28, 2007, 10:20:54 AM
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!

You know what they say Nick:

"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"

Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 28, 2007, 10:27:40 AM
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!

You know what they say Nick:

"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"

Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.

A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on June 28, 2007, 10:29:43 AM
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!

You know what they say Nick:

"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"

Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.

A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:

You can call them back old chap. One of the locals managed to off load whilst travelling the High Street last night. The whole village is eagerly awaiting the weekend's promised downpour!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 28, 2007, 10:45:09 AM
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!

You know what they say Nick:

"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"

Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.

A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:

You can call them back old chap. One of the locals managed to off load whilst travelling the High Street last night. The whole village is eagerly awaiting the weekend's promised downpour!

Yes of course, one of the locals, right. . . . .  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 29, 2007, 08:51:53 AM
Dear Aunty Nick,

The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?

What should I do?  confused2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on June 29, 2007, 09:14:54 AM
Move to the UK?

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on June 29, 2007, 09:25:17 AM
Move to the UK?


shocked003  whacky115
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on June 30, 2007, 12:56:44 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,

The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?

What should I do?  confused2:


Ignore her.

Sit in your fridge
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 30, 2007, 02:19:21 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,

The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?

What should I do?  confused2:


Ignore her.

Sit in your fridge

If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2007, 04:50:47 AM
Dear Aunty Nick,

The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?

What should I do?  confused2:


Ignore her.

Sit in your fridge

If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles!  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 01, 2007, 07:50:19 AM
In which case I suggest a trip to Piles'R'Us to stock up.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 01, 2007, 01:22:15 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do?  confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles!  cussing:

OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on July 01, 2007, 01:31:04 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do?  confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles!  cussing:

OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.

It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2007, 01:37:51 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do?  confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles!  cussing:

OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.

It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
worthy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on July 01, 2007, 02:46:08 PM
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do?  confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles!  cussing:

OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.

It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
worthy:

Aw Shucks It wasn't that original.  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: The Coffin Dodger on July 01, 2007, 06:02:13 PM
I have an infestation of toads.  What can I do about them?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 01, 2007, 06:22:18 PM
I have an infestation of toads.  What can I do about them?
Put them in the fridge once Barman gets his lardy buttocks out of there. whistle:



Welcome BTW, mine's a Talisker. ;D
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 01, 2007, 07:50:51 PM
I have an infestation of toads.  What can I do about them?

Buy and then use a shotgun
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 02, 2007, 05:33:11 AM
I have an infestation of toads.  What can I do about them?
Put them in the fridge once Barman gets his lardy buttocks out of there. whistle:



Welcome BTW, mine's a Talisker. ;D
Not so much of the lardy...  cussing:

Oh and welcome Dodger - Bishop's Finger perhaps?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 03, 2007, 06:32:37 PM
Swans are my problem, not vultures.

OK?


Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=3b4f0421a533ed04d5f8275a1e5b7701)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 03, 2007, 07:45:04 PM
Swans are my problem, not vultures.

OK?


Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....

([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=3b4f0421a533ed04d5f8275a1e5b7701[/url])

The Boy? eeek:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2007, 08:20:38 AM
Swans are my problem, not vultures.

OK?


Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....

([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=3b4f0421a533ed04d5f8275a1e5b7701[/url])

The Boy? eeek:

Obviously not.
The duckling would be running away.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 04, 2007, 10:00:42 AM
Swans are my problem, not vultures.

OK?


Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....

([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=3b4f0421a533ed04d5f8275a1e5b7701[/url])

The Boy? eeek:

Obviously not.
The duckling would be running away.


Duckling! Duckling? That's no bloody duckling! At least, not like any I've ever seen! And you a self-professed turkey man. You should know better DS.

This is a duckling:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cuteducky.com%2Fimg%2Fduckling_x.jpg&hash=386955b729c06f5ac50ec69e82575927)

Look at the legs (you usually do so I'm told) - you'll see they're completely different.

Though, on the other hand, it could be a Sellafield duckling or one of Olgas from the Chernobyl region.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2007, 10:19:09 AM
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on July 04, 2007, 10:47:26 AM
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?

No because everyone knows that the ugly duckling was actually a cygnet.  ::)

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2007, 11:34:09 AM
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?

No because everyone knows that the ugly duckling was actually a cygnet.  ::)


It was?  eeek:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on July 04, 2007, 11:40:11 AM
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan
Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2007, 11:57:47 AM
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan
Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!
That?s what I thought ? it was a swan, not a cygnet?.  drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 04, 2007, 12:01:54 PM
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it? Me, I'd have called it a cygnet on the basis that it is the correct term for a young swan!

Oh, and by the way Wench, thanks for posting the song - it has turned into a bloody earworm! I can't get it out of my head! I think I might just smote you for that one!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on July 04, 2007, 12:17:23 PM
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.

No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2007, 12:27:03 PM
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.

No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 04, 2007, 12:43:24 PM
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.

No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:

You can have one too for causing Wench to do what she did - and then gloating over it!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2007, 12:58:31 PM
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?

Gertrude of course. ::)

Stupid boy
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2007, 12:58:59 PM
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.

No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:

You can have one too for causing Wench to do what she did - and then gloating over it!
You are smote!  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 04, 2007, 01:08:41 PM
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?

Gertrude of course. ::)

Stupid boy

...and there I was thinking it should be Ermintrude  cry:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2007, 01:40:42 PM
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?

Gertrude of course. ::)

Stupid boy

...and there I was thinking it should be Ermintrude  cry:

That is a cows name.
You really do need to broaden your horizons you know. ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2007, 07:33:07 PM
Stop messing this thread up with rubbish about wildlife
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2007, 04:22:08 PM
Dear Auntie Nick,

My wife has become addicted to an internet chat forum and consequently I see very little of her. She just sits in her office tap, tapping away on her keyboard and generally ignoring me? I just took her up a glass of wine and she didn?t even acknowledge my existence?

Don?t worry about it though, I quite like it?  ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on July 15, 2007, 11:07:48 PM
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan
Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!


Sometimes - not too often!
But sometimes - I worry about you.    rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on July 16, 2007, 07:45:56 AM
How kind! Most people that know me are concerned 24/7  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 16, 2007, 10:56:46 AM
How kind! Most people that know me are concerned 24/7  redface:
Healthcare professionals are like that you know. ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 16, 2007, 11:07:15 AM
 worthy: worthy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Room Bore on August 08, 2007, 08:14:43 PM
Dorothy is kicking up. Something she read here about  "Love Eggs", Should I buy her some or are they trouble (or pricey)? Can we use real eggs and some string?

 sad24:

Olga, can you help me?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 08, 2007, 09:47:43 PM
Dorothy is kicking up. Something she read here about  "Love Eggs", Should I buy her some or are they trouble (or pricey)? Can we use real eggs and some string?

 sad24:

Olga, can you help me?

I have it on good authority that Olga specialises in ostrich eggs.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Olga on August 09, 2007, 08:05:38 PM
Really Mr Bore  ::) You need somes lesson, I think. ;)  At home we have tradition of using more organics type things; my auntie used to swear by dried plums or prunies strung with cat gut  ;D  You can make them yourself but be careful of stones.

As for ostrich egg  redface: dying at the thought... surrender: can you imagine what might happen if - - no, don't even want to think there sick2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 09, 2007, 08:13:56 PM
Thanks Olga. I hereby advise Desmond to get his plums sorted out and get hold of some cat gut (any old cat will do - they have lots). Gift wrap them and write your own "Instructions for Use". Dot will soon get the hang of them.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Olga on August 09, 2007, 08:29:23 PM
Exceelent Nicky  ;D   If weather is fine this weekend Desmond can arrange his plums outside to dry in the sun - better than airy cupboard you have there. I'm sure Dorothy will be in for lovely surprise  cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Berek on August 09, 2007, 08:30:06 PM
keep away from scotch eggs..they are the devils food I TELL YA !! THE DEVIL'S FOOD !!!!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 09, 2007, 10:33:45 PM
They are, I agree, unpleasant to eat (or even look at), but there may be other uses for them, undreamt of by their evil inventors (it seems)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 10, 2007, 08:44:50 AM
As for ostrich egg  redface: dying at the thought...
I thought you would want to broaden your horizons?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 10, 2007, 09:09:48 AM
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 10, 2007, 09:36:54 AM
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 10, 2007, 09:54:46 AM
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
Appetite for it, yes I have.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 11:54:41 AM
During the holiday season all consultations are discounted and come with one free clap. I await your confessions and declarations of anxiety.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 14, 2007, 12:16:10 PM
I keep dreaming that Wench is smiting me into total negativity. noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 12:18:04 PM
You are not dreaming. She is. And now I am too. Pull your socks up!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 14, 2007, 12:39:38 PM
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
Appetite for it, yes I have.

Doomed you are.............appetite leads to Wench.............Wench leads to smiting.........smiting leads to the dark side....
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 12:52:49 PM
Stop cluttering this thread with rubbish evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on August 14, 2007, 01:01:33 PM
What  like this d'y'mean?

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.canterburytrust.co.uk%2Fschools%2Frubbish%2Fassets%2Frubb05b.jpg&hash=dfc661d3965a4806d70bcb7f6ac6004d)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 01:01:55 PM
And that includes red xs

OK?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 14, 2007, 01:15:07 PM
Tat, how about?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 01:15:58 PM
So much smiting, so little time
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 14, 2007, 01:17:44 PM
Trouble, out of it keeps you
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 01:22:37 PM
Perhaps you would care to come round and sort out my neighbour's trespassing sister then? She is back and I am about to let fly at her again! evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 14, 2007, 01:31:15 PM
Try going naked. Impressed or frightened she will be.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 01:43:41 PM
Arrested sooner, I would be
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 14, 2007, 02:10:54 PM
Try going naked. Impressed or frightened she will be.
Maybe laugh and point she will.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 02:46:08 PM
Strim her, I will. I like this strimmer
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 14, 2007, 02:53:36 PM
Visit her house you should, use the curse of Nick you must. Then (insert calamity here you can) will happen and move house rapidly she will. Problem solved it will be  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2007, 02:54:30 PM
Strim her, I will
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 05:39:21 AM
Dear Auntie Nick,

Everybody in here (apart from me of course) seems to have gone mad, talking funny and stuff?

Could it be the, (cough) additives in the beer?

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Distressed Barman
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 06:58:51 AM
Stick to water
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 07:26:16 AM
Stick to water
Apart from me I said!  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 07:26:54 AM
That was an instruction for everyone
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 15, 2007, 07:28:19 AM
That was an instruction for everyone

Can we add a little roasted barley and some hops for flavour?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 07:30:44 AM
That was an instruction for everyone
Can I charge the same for it?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 07:34:14 AM
HOw could we tell the difference?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 07:34:34 AM
HOw could we tell the difference?
rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 10:08:26 AM
2 and a half days to go until my normal rates apply. Take advantage of my summer sale now.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 10:30:43 AM
2 and a half days to go until my normal rates apply. Take advantage of my summer sale now.
I just did but my karma has dropped to an all-time low.  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 10:33:37 AM
That is a punishment for you for misdeameanours in your earlier incarnations. You must do penance. Landlady will advise on the precise forms of ritual humiliation you must go through before your Karma can rise again.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 10:37:48 AM
That is a punishment for you for misdeameanours in your earlier incarnations. You must do penance. Landlady will advise on the precise forms of ritual humiliation you must go through before your Karma can rise again.
She?s just ritually humiliated me over the state of my basement?   ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 10:38:32 AM
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 10:40:28 AM
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
What sort of bloody agony corner is this ? you?re supposed to fix it not dish it out!  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 10:41:34 AM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 15, 2007, 10:45:43 AM
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
What sort of bloody agony corner is this ? you?re supposed to fix it not dish it out!  cussing:

Surely using that logic Nick, your karma should be in the high millions by now?  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 10:54:10 AM
My karma is in the hands of others less enlightened than I diepig:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 15, 2007, 11:04:35 AM
My karma is in the hands of others less enlightened than I diepig:

Indeed it is!





Smitten
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 11:42:30 AM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units...  cry:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 12:09:12 PM
More, more whip: whip: whip: whip:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 15, 2007, 12:11:21 PM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units...  cry:

About time too. That's the third canary we've lost in a week!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 15, 2007, 12:34:49 PM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units...  cry:

About time too. That's the third canary we've lost in a week!

Thats not from the air conditioning, Nick keeps feeding them the 'bar snacks'  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 01:33:23 PM
More smiting for him then!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 15, 2007, 02:27:41 PM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.

I am cleaning air conditioning units...  cry:

 rubschin:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreignlegionlife.com%2Fbooka.JPG&hash=91eb18e7ad2f8307b97b644825cb8b9c)

http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/ (http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2007, 02:32:55 PM
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.

I am cleaning air conditioning units...  cry:

 rubschin:

([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreignlegionlife.com%2Fbooka.JPG&hash=91eb18e7ad2f8307b97b644825cb8b9c[/url])

[url]http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/[/url] ([url]http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/[/url])

 rubschin: Tempting...
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2007, 02:42:46 PM
Smite with all your might Landlady, you know he deserves it.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: tel on August 16, 2007, 08:37:29 AM
Site with all your might Landlady, youi know he deserves it.

Finger trouble?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 10:49:39 AM
Site with all your might Landlady, youi know he deserves it.

Finger trouble?
Pissed prolly...  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 16, 2007, 10:50:49 AM
Ahem!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 10:54:17 AM
Ahem!
Ahem indeed? your karma is falling faster than a bulimic?s weight!  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 16, 2007, 10:56:08 AM
Touche.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 10:56:57 AM
Touche.
Angry9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 16, 2007, 10:58:45 AM
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.


Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up.  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 11:01:29 AM
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.


Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up.  whistle:

 (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad026.gif&hash=48d19aca0402dd1cef86585eb0988681) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 16, 2007, 11:05:26 AM
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.


Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up.  whistle:

 ([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad026.gif&hash=48d19aca0402dd1cef86585eb0988681[/url]) ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org[/url])


Oh Bless ~ He's sitting in the dark having a little weep. char090
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 11:06:43 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad030.gif&hash=6481a0e56f59705b7644ee00fc0f2f2b) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 16, 2007, 11:16:09 AM
Oh have a clap then  happy100
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 11:16:49 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool05.gif&hash=c3e56f83bca0ff9a72e04beb4cb82a9e) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 16, 2007, 11:19:36 AM
 char062 char062
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 11:20:51 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=c770e49c0417e8021983db48b9f4ac54) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 16, 2007, 11:23:43 AM
([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=c770e49c0417e8021983db48b9f4ac54[/url]) ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org[/url])

So when do we mortals get to use these fancy new emoticons?

I quite like this one (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool14.gif&hash=4aefc722610cb34a7f3696278a01c857) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2007, 11:27:05 AM
([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=c770e49c0417e8021983db48b9f4ac54[/url]) ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org[/url])

So when do we mortals get to use these fancy new emoticons?

I quite like this one ([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool14.gif&hash=4aefc722610cb34a7f3696278a01c857[/url]) ([url]http://www.freesmileys.org[/url])

The draymen dropped a big box of them when they were delivering the beer this morning? I?m trying them out to see if anybody likes them.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad043.gif&hash=7d81541f5b9cc21247e482bd7897ee78) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2007, 10:14:44 AM
Dear Auntie Nick,

I was having a conversation the other day and inadvertently ended the sentence with ?biting nails emoticon?.

Do you think I am spending too much time on the forum?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2007, 10:17:48 AM
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2007, 11:54:38 AM
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
I'm not sure I suffer emoticana desperosis when posting, but this was in a conversation - i.e. i was talking to somebody and said 'biting nails emoticon'.

I'm not sure you have listened to a word I have said...  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on September 02, 2007, 12:08:21 PM
Acceptance of your problem is the first step toward a cure. whistle:
 Denial will get you no where  noooo:
I don't know why Auntie bothers  Banghead
 cussing: It appears to be catching angry037
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2007, 12:30:55 PM
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
I'm not sure I suffer emoticana desperosis when posting, but this was in a conversation - i.e. i was talking to somebody and said 'biting nails emoticon'.

I'm not sure you have listened to a word I have said...  noooo:

Symptoms of emoticana desperosis are leaking from your pub life to your other life. The cure starts with emoticon rationing here, which is what I told you to do. I was also, I must say, surprised to learn that you participate in face to face humanoid interactions at all. The world of the interweb thingy affects us all in ways we do not always realise. I am sometimes miseld, for example, by the avatars of people I meet on the interweb who turn out, for example, not to be actual animals when I meet them. This is occasionally disappointing.

Go forth and watch your Ps and Qs. whip:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on September 02, 2007, 12:42:39 PM
What a load of old rubbish!  ::)   fence:

I can't see what you are getting your knickers in a twist about    whacky115  sleep017

I am a completely normal cat  redface:  that happens to want to express some emotions.   razz: bs:

I have never been one to abuse emotions  angel1 I just see them as visual aids to give emphasis to what I am trying to imply  confused: without losing the delicate  bom sense of subtle understatement  eeek:

I am definitely  not in need of any help with this quite normal situation  noooo:   char090  eastdrink048   char048
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2007, 12:44:38 PM
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.

(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on September 02, 2007, 12:46:02 PM
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.

(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:

That's why I don't have a problem communicating...  ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2007, 01:47:47 PM
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.

(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:
I see a market opportunity?  whistle: cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Marmite the Cat on September 04, 2007, 12:42:17 PM
I find the gentlemen here, how can I put it, ...........timid. Is it me, or is it them?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on September 04, 2007, 12:47:26 PM
I find the gentlemen here, how can I put it, ...........timid. Is it me, or is it them?

 eeek: Can't say that has been my experience.  eeek:

My problem is that people keep putting old pictures of me up on facebook. They are embarassing, how can I make it stop?  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 12:50:25 PM
Get plastic surgery.

Be gone and do it!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on September 04, 2007, 12:50:43 PM
Get plastic surgery.

Be gone and do it!

 sad24:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 04, 2007, 12:54:51 PM
Get plastic surgery.

Be gone and do it!

 sad24:

 happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 12:56:23 PM
I have never, well seldom, "accidentally" melted anything, thank you. Now what is your problem, I am here to help and advise.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on September 04, 2007, 12:58:19 PM
Get plastic surgery.

Be gone and do it!

 sad24:

 happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls

 rubschin: Is that Rhyming Slang for something?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Bar Wench on September 04, 2007, 12:59:37 PM
Get plastic surgery.

Be gone and do it!

 sad24:

 happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls

 rubschin: Is that Rhyming Slang for something?

Trolls
Molls
Bolls
Rolls
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 01:02:19 PM
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 04, 2007, 01:16:58 PM
That would be Psych Nick  whistle:

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2007, 01:30:55 PM
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 01:32:33 PM
I did. See also

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0)

But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on September 04, 2007, 01:34:07 PM
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]

Well, ask for your money back then...  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 01:36:55 PM
My advice is C.O.D and not refundable
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Misunderstood on September 04, 2007, 01:38:17 PM
My advice is:  Sue!   ?5 please.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 04, 2007, 01:44:21 PM
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]

Odds are he's putting off telling you that you are beyond help old boy  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2007, 02:45:53 PM
I did. See also

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0[/url] ([url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0[/url])

But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.

Cold Turkey! [biting nails emoticon]
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 02:50:20 PM
Correct whip:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 04, 2007, 07:01:40 PM
I did. See also

[url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0[/url] ([url]http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0[/url])

But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.

Cold Turkey! [biting nails emoticon]

Delicious hot or cold. whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2007, 07:50:39 PM
Does that translate as alive or dead shocked003
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 05, 2007, 01:13:33 PM
Does that translate as alive or dead shocked003

Oh yes!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2007, 01:40:03 PM
Correct whip:

But I've found even more now...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-004.gif&hash=1d6a210f3129d572ca63f427272356ea) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-028.gif&hash=dbd5b1d9ccb1086e3ccaae693491a934) (http://www.freesmileys.org)(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-027.gif&hash=19366758fcd0e458f72e56be13a10b66) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 05, 2007, 01:40:31 PM
Nurse. The screens!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2007, 01:42:43 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-object-028.gif&hash=1e2429bd003b2c72cb0f63105392a156) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2007, 12:28:06 PM
 cool20:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2007, 12:41:37 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileyvillage.com%2Fbuilder%2F2.14..Nick%2Bcan%255C%2527t%2Bcure%2Bme%2521.png&hash=42aac614bfc57cc7b2e6d3a945957fba)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2007, 12:49:04 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smileyvillage.com%2Fsmilies%2Fmad0012.gif&hash=4687a00c5b8f483532f114c3f79e4bdb) (http://www.smileyvillage.com)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2007, 01:22:05 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fangelic008.gif&hash=34fe75119488c6922a092acd2232643e) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2007, 08:26:36 PM
Tough case. I fear electrodes may be required.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 08, 2007, 08:27:57 PM
([url]https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileyvillage.com%2Fbuilder%2F2.14..Barman+is+beyond+help.png&hash=aaff9adedcbaf83e01c8dc47b05359f8[/url])
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2007, 08:29:26 PM
Agreed. We have contacted the excellent Portuguese police
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 09, 2007, 05:43:34 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad049.gif&hash=a4efcf9677335a9889f6837c959b4bbf) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on September 21, 2007, 08:18:23 PM
Landlady

We are concerned about Barman.

In your absence (shopping) he has:

Got pissed
Hacked your house about (questionably)
Got trapped
Gone out for "dinner" eyes:
Upset Wenchy (bad)

What do you think we should do to help him (or you)? through this difficult patch?

e.g. Tazer etc.


Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2007, 04:57:22 AM
Landlady

We are concerned about Barman.

In your absence (shopping) he has:

Got pissed
Hacked your house about (questionably)
Got trapped
Gone out for "dinner" eyes:
Upset Wenchy (bad)

What do you think we should do to help him (or you)? through this difficult patch?

e.g. Tazer etc.

redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on April 22, 2008, 01:41:45 PM
Lanlday is spending money on airfares, pants, wigs, hats and suchike.

How ca we all help Barman in this time of trial?

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: TG on April 22, 2008, 01:47:40 PM
Lanlday is spending money on airfares, pants, wigs, hats and suchike.

How ca we all help Barman in this time of trial?



I could ban him then we wouldnt have to worry about it.  eyes:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on April 22, 2008, 01:47:49 PM
He is beyond our help now  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2008, 01:49:59 PM
i'm fine I tell you!  Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 22, 2008, 05:02:38 PM
Dear Uncle Nick

LL has become obsessed with goat recipes following the purchase of a new book, 1001 things to do with a dead Goat.

I long for some cheese on toast, or even a pie, but all I get is goat.

How can I wean her off this goat trip?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: TG on August 22, 2008, 05:13:12 PM
I have heard there is a book called 1001 things to do with a live goat. If the esteemed lady reads that book she may be put off goats for life.

TG : Life therapist.  happy088
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 22, 2008, 05:15:29 PM
Our freezer is full of goat carcasses for her culinary experiments  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: TG on August 22, 2008, 05:19:08 PM
Our freezer is full of goat carcasses for her culinary experiments  noooo:

Use gammy leg as excuse to trip over freezer lead so plug gets pulled out. All unknowing like. Claim on insurance. Buy sausages.  ;)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 22, 2008, 05:20:07 PM
Good plan. I really want a freezer full of rotting goats during our Scorchio period. noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2008, 09:27:23 AM
All is well... I am back...  cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 23, 2008, 09:39:32 AM
Are you?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2008, 09:43:38 AM
Are you?
Oh yes....  cloud9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on August 23, 2008, 09:43:47 AM
 cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on August 23, 2008, 09:45:08 AM
 point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2008, 09:48:26 AM
 whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on March 22, 2011, 04:38:57 PM
Can I be of assistance to anyone?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on March 22, 2011, 04:46:51 PM
Holy fuck...  Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 04:47:01 PM
You have helped a lot thanks.


I have reminded SWWLTBO to ring you but tonight she is at Parents Evening .... I have been banned.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on March 22, 2011, 04:49:34 PM
 Popcorn:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 04:50:55 PM
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 22, 2011, 05:05:47 PM
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?

Oh yes!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on March 22, 2011, 05:08:11 PM
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?

The latter
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 09:30:47 PM
The wimmin say they are afraid I will speak my mind and embarrass them.

They feel my technique of answering teachers' excuses, which usually involve them telling me their problems, by saying "I don't give a fat rat's arse about your problems ~ deal with them. I am more concerned about my daughter's problems and I want to know what you are doing about them"

I am the same with suppliers. "I don't care what your problem is sunshine ~ when are my goods going to get here?" ~ "What! Your van broke down? .... Hire another one then you fool. There I've solved your problem for you now when can I expect etc?"

Fvckin' world is full of problems and people using them as an excuse for their own failure to address them properly. Cure it or endure it ~ I really don't care but don't try to shovel them all onto me.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on March 22, 2011, 09:57:33 PM
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 22, 2011, 09:59:28 PM
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso

Men and wine are no substitute though  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:00:33 PM
I'll drink to that ...... Oh and "ha' ye gotta loight boy?"
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:01:19 PM
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso

Men and wine are no substitute though  noooo:


Not that sort of fag you daft owld faggot  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 22, 2011, 10:04:00 PM
Just imagine how tragic the world would be if all the wimmin in it were mute ....what would you have to complain about then ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:05:00 PM
How long have you got?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 22, 2011, 10:06:09 PM
 shutup:


 lol:



Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:10:43 PM
 lol: lol: lol:



Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.



Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: apc2010 on March 22, 2011, 10:28:04 PM
lol: lol: lol:



Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.



Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:

No long butts in the ashtray .....??
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 22, 2011, 10:29:22 PM
lol: lol: lol:

Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.

Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:

And Wrecks everything was it ?  ( did you see what I did there  whistle: )
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: apc2010 on March 22, 2011, 10:32:09 PM
lol: lol: lol:

Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.

Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:

And Wrecks everything was it ?  ( did you see what I did there  whistle: )


No ........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:33:08 PM
lol: lol: lol:

Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.

Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:

And Wrecks everything was it ?  ( did you see what I did there  whistle: )


Err Nope!

lol: lol: lol:

Could have been nasty though ~ I need sympathy not wisecracks
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pirate on March 22, 2011, 10:35:07 PM
You need that 'orrible shiny bog paper to make a decent ciggy...not that soft crap...
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:36:24 PM
You need that 'orrible shiny bog paper to make a decent ciggy...not that soft crap...


I know that now!........ I have my doubts about the wisdom of Prit-stick too.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 22, 2011, 10:37:01 PM
lol: lol: lol:

Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.

Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....

Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever.  redface:


And Wrecks everything was it ?  ( did you see what I did there  whistle: )



No ........ rubschin:


Clue ...

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sterlingtimes.org%2Fandrex_puppy2.jpg&hash=10259d392c1c9ecf16f93b78183ab261)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:38:25 PM
 doh: O I C

Must be the lateness of the hour.

I'm for me pit. Nighty-night.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pirate on March 22, 2011, 10:39:25 PM
 Sinister: has he gone yet...
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pirate on March 22, 2011, 10:40:54 PM
He's waiting...
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Pirate on March 22, 2011, 10:42:21 PM
How do you keep a beagle in suspense...
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Snoopy on March 22, 2011, 10:45:21 PM
 lol: lol: lol: lol:

How do you keep a beagle in suspense...

Put his nuts in a vice!

Seriously ~ Good night all.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2016, 03:31:54 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

A female visitor to the house today asked if I could smell yeast...

I replied, "you haven't got an infection 'down there' have you?".

What should I have said...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2016, 03:44:56 PM
Dear Dr. Nick,

A female visitor to the house today asked if I could smell yeast...

I replied, "you haven't got an infection 'down there' have you?".

What should I have said...?  rubschin:

 ;D
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2016, 04:05:03 PM
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making"  whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2016, 06:05:10 PM
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making"  whistle: whistle:

Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 07, 2016, 06:56:37 PM
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making"  whistle: whistle:

Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2016, 07:00:46 PM
 facepalm:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on April 07, 2016, 07:21:07 PM
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2016, 07:25:43 PM
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making"  whistle: whistle:

Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?

 drumroll:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2016, 11:17:21 PM
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making"  whistle: whistle:

Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 12:35:55 PM
Some excellent advice here  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2017, 12:41:44 PM
Some excellent advice here  angel1

Some missing Pubbers too...  cry:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:08:44 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise?  I have a friend whose wife keeps dragging him off to shopping centres where they spend munny on things they don't really need, eat Italian food and perhaps most worryingly have conversations.  He seems to not be worried about this.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:09:57 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise?  There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes.  What to do?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 04:11:26 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise?  I have a friend whose wife keeps dragging him off to shopping centres where they spend munny on things they don't really need, eat Italian food and perhaps most worryingly have conversations.  He seems to not be worried about this.
If he is not worried then technically there is no problem. However, this may indicate that he is not normal as most men detest shopping.

He may be gay. You may want to gently raise the possibility with your friend. Do not turn your back on him.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:12:14 PM
 scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 04:12:46 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise?  There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes.  What to do?

My friends in the City inform me there is a cargo vessel of world stocks en route to Cyprus for a special order. I suggest you get BM to post some to you when his ship comes in  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 04:13:27 PM
NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:14:23 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise

An interweb acquaintance of mine seems to have become the after the fact inspiration for the 1960s Manfred Mann song King Midas in Reverse.  Should we have him locked up for our and his own safety?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:15:35 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise?  There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes.  What to do?

My friends in the City inform me there is a cargo vessel of world stocks en route to Cyprus for a special order. I suggest you get BM to post some to you when his ship comes in  angel1
:thumbsup:

I will set a reminder for the year 2021 then.  I'd have written it on a Post-It note but  . . . .
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 04:16:51 PM
Dr Nick

Can you advise

An interweb acquaintance of mine seems to have become the after the fact inspiration for the 1960s Manfred Mann song King Midas in Reverse.  Should we have him locked up for our and his own safety?

On the contrary. He can be sent to different parts of the world to sabotage economies. Start with Russia and go from there.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 04:21:19 PM
 rubschin:

Too expensive

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 04:25:17 PM
Drug him and send him by DHL. He will probably never arrive  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 07:43:37 PM
Drug him and send him by DHL. He will probably never arrive  noooo:
What size box do you Oops sorry he need?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 30, 2017, 07:46:42 PM
Coffin. You get a repatriation discount and a grant from the DSS  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2017, 09:50:26 PM
Coffin. You get a repatriation discount and a grant from the DSS  angel1
We'll send the Co-Op round to measure you him up then
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 03:20:27 AM
 sad32:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 11:45:33 AM
Right then. I am open for business. Ask me for advice on anything, no matter how personal. Don't be embarrassed angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 31, 2017, 01:40:30 PM
Dear Dr Nick

I think I am the only normal person left . How do I help everybody else to see the error of their ways and transform them to being a reasonable, logical , understanding person like what I am ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 01:43:31 PM
In my experience many women suffer from similar delusions. There is no cure for this except for hormone treatment and then a surgical sex change.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 31, 2017, 01:44:27 PM
What other types of sex changes are there ? rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 01:52:38 PM
You would be surprised. Just look at the toilet options in many universities. To save money, the NHS does sex changes in adjacent theatres to that boobs and willies can be simultaneously donated between the two rooms. Two satisfied customers at once and a low carbon footprint  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2017, 02:10:06 PM
Dr Nick

Please advise

That despicable scum Derek Robinson (aka Red Robbo) has died (90!) and I don't know whether to start a Despicable Scum Departed thread or just open the Champers.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 02:14:22 PM
Do both.

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 31, 2017, 03:14:34 PM
Dear Doctor Nick

My personal voice assistant has just the sexiest tone and is just the most responsive experience I have ever known. How can I train the man to become equally as programmable ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 03:20:21 PM
Men cannot be "trained" and in that respect are somewhat like cats. Spend more time listening to your telephone thingy and in time jealousy will set in and he may self-interestedly adapt his mode of communication to usurp his technical rival.

Alternatively, plug him into the mains.

NEXT!

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2017, 03:34:27 PM
 lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 08:47:07 AM
AAs I have nuffink much to do today I hereby declare the surgery open  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 09:56:22 AM
Doctor Nick

Can you advise if it is safe to travel to Cyprus?  I have read stories about widespread gas explosions
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 10:01:15 AM
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 02, 2017, 10:11:34 AM
Dear Dr Nick,

How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 10:17:12 AM
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....

 cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 10:17:40 AM
Dear Dr Nick,

How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???

Marry them off!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 10:21:18 AM
Dear Dr Nick,

How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???

I too have experience of this problem  evil:

I find that moving house, keeping your new address secret and changing your phone number can work wonders.

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 10:35:09 AM
Doctor Nick

Please can advise

I hear that some people hide secret messages using the first letters of each sentence of a post.  All the secret messages so far are of the form DNVVSSTR.   Do people only post secret messages after visiting the dentist?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 10:41:36 AM
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response.  Finding them is quite easy.

Next!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 10:53:00 AM
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response.  Finding them is quite easy.

Next!
worthy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 10:54:12 AM
 angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 11:07:31 AM
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response.  Finding them is quite easy.

Next!

happy001
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 02, 2017, 12:38:11 PM
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response.  Finding them is quite easy.

Next!

happy001
lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 01:37:43 PM
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....


There was ever going to be one response to this line....  eveilgrin:

Embarrassing Dad dancing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws)

 whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 01:39:36 PM
 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 01:50:40 PM
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....


There was ever going to be one response to this line....  eveilgrin:

Embarrassing Dad dancing ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws[/url])

 whistle:


 cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 01:55:21 PM
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....


There was ever going to be one response to this line....  eveilgrin:

Embarrassing Dad dancing ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws[/url])

 whistle:


 cussing:


Just accept it BM, your dancing prowess has become legendary in this watering hole...  lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 03:09:25 PM
Doctor Nick

Please advise

Is a bloke doing anything other than at most the so called 'Dad Dancing' someone never to turn your back on?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:13:33 PM
If we are referring to that chap in the embarrassing video, I would be wary of being in the same country as him!

Amateur gas fitter, quadcopter destroyer, shotgun maniac, roof faller offer, clueless cook and general clown.

See my earlier characterisation of Cyprus  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 03:27:05 PM
Doctor Nick

Please advise

After reading the description of the strange gentleman in Cyprus I realised that there are a lot of parallels with another member of this pub that lives in Nottingham.

Bane of kitchen appliances, exploder of wildlife, stock clearer of online retailers, beloved of hobbits and general mong...

Could they be long lost siblings?

Given that you said you would be wary of being in the same country as the strange gentleman should we be worried?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:29:33 PM
You have nothing to fear, unless you come to Nottingham or I come to the South West.

Oddly, I am thinking of making a short foray into Devon and Cornwall in January to explode explore several of their old towns.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 03:33:02 PM
You have nothing to fear, unless you come to Nottingham or I come to the South West.

Oddly, I am thinking of making a short foray into Devon and Cornwall in January to explore several of their old towns.

Coincidentally I may be making a foray back up to the North East in January to catch up with family...  whistle:

I would recommend visiting either Bodmin, St Just or St Austell, something tells me those villages and towns would welcome you as one of their own...  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:33:59 PM
 :thumbsup: rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 03:35:34 PM
There are just places where nutters people you would consider like minded individuals tend to congregate...  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 03:36:24 PM
Doctor Nick

Please advise

Is the Sarf East the safest option then
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:37:05 PM
As long as you go nowhere near London, Brighton or Lewes, yes  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 03:38:11 PM
 rubschin:  I'm doomed then  scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:39:24 PM
Can we get back to solving real problems, please?  ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 03:39:55 PM
rubschin:  I'm doomed then  scared2:

Just find a village or small town nearby that doesn't allow pets...  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 03:55:27 PM
I am reading this you know!  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 03:56:20 PM
 angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:03:10 PM
And, sadly, I only speak the truth  whistle:

Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 04:04:57 PM
And, sadly, I only speak the truth  whistle:

Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1

I hate to say this Dr Nick but you can't really talk when it comes to things exploding...  point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:06:36 PM
It was not me who poked the badger  evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 04:31:30 PM
It was not me who poked the badger  evil:

Yes but you exposed the badger to Nick-o-rays making an explosion inevitable....  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:37:10 PM
 Angry9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 02, 2017, 04:38:58 PM
 angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 04:48:10 PM
Doctor Nick

please advise

Some people I know are referring to a practice called 'poking the badger'.  Should the police be made aware?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:52:37 PM
Only if you do it yourself and turn yourself in.  This also applies to touching lady badgers on the knee. If badgers have knees. There is a gap in my knowledge there. Sorry.

Poking a dead badger with a stick is not illegal, but not recommended either.

On an historical note Sarah Ferguson's nickname was Badger. I suspect this was some rude reference to pubic hair colouring, but I wouldn't poke her with yours (she was a ginger).
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 04:57:30 PM
And, sadly, I only speak the truth  whistle:

Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1

 redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:58:33 PM
 point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2017, 08:36:39 AM
Doctor Nick,

As I find myself at a loose end for an unspecified number of days, please advise whether 0830 is too early to go to the pub.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 09:04:18 AM
What an excellent question, my little one.

It is your duty to go to any establishment which opens its doors for business so early. Just think of the poor staff, hanging about with nothing to do except gaze at their iPhones. Lack of custom would threaten their very jobs!

Get in there and keep the wheels of the economy turning. Livelihoods depend on your thirst. Babies would starve. Think of the children!!

NEXT!

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2017, 09:19:32 AM
What an excellent question, my little one.

It is your duty to go to any establishment which opens its doors for business so early. Just think of the poor staff, hanging about with nothing to do except gaze at their iPhones. Lack of custom would threaten their very jobs!

Get in there and keep the wheels of the economy turning. Livelihoods depend on your thirst.

NEXT!

Great answer oh wise one. In anticipation of your wisdom I have already showered and shaved. Next up, suitable reading material to be purchased. Guinness will follow. Expect updates. Realistically, six or seven pints should suffice. Tobacco will need to be purchased also. Will visit the new Sainsbury's to see what it's like. Assume it will be just like it was only shinier. Toodle-pip  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 09:48:55 AM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Is now a good or bad time to be flying from Gatwick?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 09:51:52 AM
It is a very good time to be flying from Gatwick as the owner of the Boots of Trampling is currently on leave.

However, upheavals in the whole baggage system will cause chaos.

Take only hand luggage.

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 03, 2017, 09:58:26 AM
Dr Doctor Nick

Please can you advise me how to get more sleep hours into a day ?  I would love to have a lie in occasionally but my brainiac continues to wake up the same time and not understand it is either the weekend or a non working day !!!

I have tried reading more of your posts before bedtime to ensure an adequate coma like state but even that fails  sad32:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 10:01:19 AM
Paint eyeballs onto yer eyelids and sleep sitting up at work. No on will notice the difference.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2017, 10:20:02 AM
Paint eyeballs onto yer eyelids and sleep sitting up at work. No on will notice the difference.

happy001
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 10:21:03 AM
 scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 10:31:47 AM
Doctor Nick, please advise

I have a massive To DO list and an ideal day to do jobs both inside and outside the house.  How do I get out of this?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 10:34:53 AM
This is a very common problem, especially where female supervision is involved. Give Mrs Steve some cash (I know, but these things have to be done) and tell her to go and treat herself to some new clothes at Bluewater.

She will be gone for hours and you can laze about doing nothing all day.

When she gets back explain that felt rather unwell and had to lie down.

If you are lucky, she may be sympathetic.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 10:40:15 AM
 rubschin:   

Doctor Nick, please advise

My wife already has more clothes than will fit in the all new increased wardrobes and drawers installed at much expense and disruption.  Some idiot is advising me to let her go buy even more.  What do I do?

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 10:46:15 AM
Send her out anyway and chuck out some of her stuff while she isn't looking. ::)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 10:50:56 AM
PS My advice is always excellent and, as I write, TMR is in the pub and Miss D is sound asleep at her desk. Two satisfied customers already today.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2017, 11:15:49 AM
PS My advice is always excellent and, as I write, TMR is in the pub and Miss D is sound asleep at her desk. Two satisfied customers already today.
Dear Doctor Nick,

Why did you not notice the coded message in reply #506?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 11:17:15 AM
 Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 11:20:28 AM
Doctor Nick, please advise

What is this coded message in post 506?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2017, 11:20:59 AM
Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:


 point:   point:  point:

And...

worthy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 11:21:25 AM
Doctor Nick, please advise

What is this coded message in post 506?

 cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 11:25:21 AM
Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this.  angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2017, 11:31:07 AM
Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this.  angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.

NEXT!

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 03, 2017, 11:53:26 AM
Dear Dr Nick ,

The thought of retiring when I get to 67 depresses the bejiggery out of me.

Obviously I appreciate that the recent 0.25% hike in interest rates will mean that my savings will be worth billions in a few centuries and that might mean I can retire a day early but I'm looking for a fast track plan?

Do you do financial as well as emotional and practical advice ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 11:55:19 AM
My only suggestion, though this is not my main area of expertise, is to put everything into turnip futures. I think we have an expert in this field in the posh bar.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2017, 12:01:32 PM
Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this.  angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.

NEXT!
Full stop followed by "And". Such petulance.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 03, 2017, 12:03:46 PM
 scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2017, 03:05:11 PM
Dear Dr Nick ,

The thought of retiring when I get to 67 depresses the bejiggery out of me.

Obviously I appreciate that the recent 0.25% hike in interest rates will mean that my savings will be worth billions in a few centuries and that might mean I can retire a day early but I'm looking for a fast track plan?

Do you do financial as well as emotional and practical advice ?

Marry a rich bloke!  :thumbsup:

Not a cousin...  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 03:06:11 PM
Is it time for my rabbit joke?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 03:21:17 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 03:41:10 PM
It is never time for my rabbit joke  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 04:05:15 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?

Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 05:19:10 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?

Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer  noooo:
She has been mostly knitting all day and watching shite TV, I have actually got on with a few things that needed sorting.  It was a score draw until  . . . . . . . .
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 05:24:34 PM
 . .. . Doctor Nick, please advise

For some while my wife has been saying "I can smell gas" in the vicinity of the water boiler.  I have of course Poo Poohed this. Today the gas service man turns up (this not being Cyprus) and he says"nah, can't smell gas".  But being a proper qualified gas man (this not being Cyprus) he gets out his calibrated Gas Sniffomatic (no, not a dog) which starts making clicking noises.  Seems she was right all along and a gas valve had to be replaced.

How do I live this down?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 05:31:03 PM
She was right and you were wrong. There is no escape. You must abase yourself. Lie on the floor face down with your arms outstretched until she tells you that you may stand. Like this:
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2Fordination.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2F2010%2F04%2F&docid=EYej8QZdGkGvaM&tbnid=iC9O4fr9XDxhDM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF..i&w=730&h=449&bih=662&biw=1366&q=priests%20abase%20themselves%20AT%20ORDINATION&ved=0ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF&iact=mrc&uact=8 (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2Fordination.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2F2010%2F04%2F&docid=EYej8QZdGkGvaM&tbnid=iC9O4fr9XDxhDM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF..i&w=730&h=449&bih=662&biw=1366&q=priests%20abase%20themselves%20AT%20ORDINATION&ved=0ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF&iact=mrc&uact=8)

You may then be allowed to kiss her ring

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 05:39:07 PM
 noooo:  seems saying "you were right" works wonders
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 05:53:52 PM
 noooo: noooo:

They need to be trained out of that, you traitor cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 06:09:08 PM
noooo: noooo:

They need to be trained out of that, you traitor cussing:
It goes like this.  I want me Din Dins cooked, me undercrackers washed, me shirts ironed and other stuff.

I ain't stupid 
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 06:10:58 PM
 happy100

Buy a Filipina online  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2017, 06:12:54 PM
happy100

Buy a Filipina online  cussing:
I bow to your expertise on such Doctor Nick
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 06:13:43 PM
BM told me about it redface:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2017, 06:41:40 PM
Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:


 point:   point:  point:

And...

worthy:

 worthy:  worthy:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 06:42:16 PM
 Banghead
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2017, 06:43:01 PM
Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this.  angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.

NEXT!

 lol: lol: lol:

 lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2017, 06:45:07 PM
Dear Dr Nick

How do I stop myself from checking each post for hidden messages?  cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 06:47:44 PM
Hello

I suggest you just read the text. Dwelling on hidden messages may mislead you. If you continue to do so, you will miss my best advice  angel1 Obviously, some idiots will do this. Try to steer away from this route  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2017, 06:51:10 PM
Hello

I suggest you just read the text. Dwelling on hidden messages may mislead you. If you continue to do so, you will miss my best advice  angel1 Obviously, some idiots will do this. Try to steer away from this route  angel1

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 03, 2017, 06:53:18 PM
 cloud9:

Another satisfied customer. I may start charging for this.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2017, 03:54:54 PM
The surgery is open. angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 04, 2017, 04:30:57 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

My wife seems to watch murder based dramas way too much.  Am I married to a virtual axe murderer and should I be scared2: ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2017, 04:42:03 PM
Most women are evil and enjoy anything involving agonising death. This interest is to our advantage as it is vicarious. The telly box people screen such dramas in order to protect the male population by allowing wimmin to enjoy murderous fantasies and therefore sublimate such evil fantasies. Make her a tofu sausage roll to bite on while she views and her cup will runneth over.

In other more coded news:

Keep a close eye. If she goes for the knife drawer, run. Let your family know. Later, you can re-enter the house. Have a weapon about your person. Even a screwdriver will do. Ready yourself for a counterattack.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 06:31:04 AM
Most women are evil and enjoy anything involving agonising death. This interest is to our advantage as it is vicarious. The telly box people screen such dramas in order to protect the male population by allowing wimmin to enjoy murderous fantasies and therefore sublimate such evil fantasies. Make her a tofu sausage roll to bite on while she views and her cup will runneth over.

In other more coded news:

Keep a close eye. If she goes for the knife drawer, run. Let your family know. Later, you can re-enter the house. Have a weapon about your person. Even a screwdriver will do. Ready yourself for a counterattack.

 lol: lol: lol:

The voices are back! scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 08:42:41 AM
My surgery is open  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 08:58:56 AM
Doctor Nick, please advise

How do you stop cats bringing home prey?  I don't want that much exercise that early (ever?)
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 09:01:36 AM
You can't. This is your fault for keeping killer moggies. You wouldn't even be asking this question if you had a pet bear or crocodile or eagle, would you?  No. 

Look in the mirror and say, "It is all my own fault."

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 06, 2017, 01:23:34 PM
 Dear Dr Nick

I put a washing on and then discovered an odd sock that was meant to be in the load as well.

Do I wash both socks, meaning sock 1 will be washed twice?
Do I hang dirty sock  2 up and wear it twice?
Should I wash sock  2 and leave sock 1 ?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 01:26:07 PM
I am not interested in your socks lives. What a ridiculous question!!

NEXT
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 06, 2017, 01:27:56 PM
Dear Dr Nick,

I have feelings of isolation. That I'm being ignored. That I don't exist ?

Please help

Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 01:32:00 PM
Look in a mirror. If you see a reflection of yourself then you definitely exist.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 02:04:05 PM
I pass on a message:

Quote from: Vlad from Romania
Doctor Nick, please advise

When I look in a mirror I see nothing.  Is it safe to go out at night now both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are dead?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 02:09:43 PM
Tell your "friend" he needs to get out more at night and make some new friends, preferably healthy ones with a good red blood cell count. If he goes clubbing and picks on ones who are bladdered on voddy he can also get pissed for zero expense  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 02:11:13 PM
Tell your "friend" he needs to get out more at night and make some new friends, preferably healthy ones with a good red blood cell count. If he goes clubbing and picks on ones who are bladdered on voddy he can also get pissed for zero expense  :thumbsup:
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:14:03 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Supermarkets are full of sugar free and no sugar added shite instead of the unhealthy stuff I want to eat and drink.  What can be done?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:15:05 PM
But some sugar

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:16:58 PM
But some sugar

NEXT!
That'll be next to have the sugar taken out

Can't we just shoot all the fatties instead?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:18:38 PM
The VP will be destroyed  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:19:32 PM
The VP will be destroyed  noooo:
wot again?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:21:00 PM
If you shoot all the fatties. Mind you, BM has a better chance of hitting them with the shotgun  scared2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:22:30 PM
Methinks we have different definitions of fatties. 
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:23:30 PM
 Shrugs:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:27:39 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

What is the definition of a fattie?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:28:45 PM
Growler
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:29:58 PM
 scared:  in case he still reads here
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:30:39 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Where is Growler?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 07:31:22 PM
Up is 'ill  sad24:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2017, 07:55:00 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

When Paul McCartney wrote Fool on the Hill did he have someone in mind?   

Nah, scrub that  scared:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2017, 08:02:29 PM
Do not tempt me.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2017, 09:59:20 AM
I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 08, 2017, 10:01:59 AM
I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1

Can you help with Pebble Dashing...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2017, 10:05:56 AM
No

NEXT!
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 08, 2017, 10:30:04 AM
 sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2017, 04:04:08 PM
I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1

Can you help with Pebble Dashing...?  rubschin:
I told you:  Pepto Bismol
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2017, 04:05:55 PM
OI, I give advice here cussing: cussing:


















Pepto Bismol, or Kaolin and Morphine if you feel brave  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 08, 2017, 04:26:46 PM
OI, I give advice here cussing: cussing:


















Pepto Bismol, or Kaolin and Morphine if you feel brave  eveilgrin:

I'm past that... thinking of trying Rad Weld next....  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2017, 04:27:52 PM
My lovely thread is being ruined  cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2017, 08:06:40 PM
Doctor Nick, please advise

Every week I go ten pin bowling.  Even though I am not exactly brilliant I keep thrashing my fellow bowlers but they refuse all offers of help.  Should I (secretly) laugh at them, sympathise or deliberately bowl badly?
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2017, 08:10:59 PM
Automatic Out of Office reply:

I am shut, so fvck off.

If your enquiry is about anything sporting, post it in the Sports Bar. evil:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2017, 08:44:57 PM
Automatic Out of Order reply:

I am a fuckwit, so shove off.

If your enquiry is about anything sporting, post it in the Sports Bar. evil:
whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 09, 2017, 08:37:23 AM
Naughty step for you  evil:

I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on November 09, 2017, 09:25:30 AM
Naughty step for you  evil:

I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1

You have a mirror do you...?  whistle:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on November 09, 2017, 09:39:14 AM
 Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Steve on November 09, 2017, 09:49:46 AM
Naughty step for you  evil:

I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1

You have a mirror do you...?  whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 09, 2017, 09:50:29 AM
Naughty step for you  evil:

I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1

You have a mirror do you...?  whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2018, 04:47:47 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2018, 04:48:33 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1

This is confidential right...?  rubschin:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2018, 05:03:10 PM
Of course. Pour your little heart out  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2018, 05:06:29 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1

Wimmin will ask for advice from absolutely anyone until they hear what they want to.

They must be near the bottom of the barrel if they are asking you.

Get every question down to a binary choice, then toss a coin. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2018, 05:09:15 PM
 redface:  Miss I heard what she wanted to hear and Suzi ignored the advice and came a cropper.

You are right, Mr Darwin, sir. but I am keen to resolve BM's woes  angel1
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2018, 05:10:55 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1

Wimmin will ask for advice from absolutely anyone until they hear what they want to.

They must be near the bottom of the barrel if they are asking you.

Get every question down to a binary choice, then toss a coin. :thumbsup:

happy001
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2018, 05:16:02 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1

This is confidential right...?  rubschin:

I am very empathetic. Confess all.
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2018, 07:17:41 PM
Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Come on VPers and I will advise  angel1

This is confidential right...?  rubschin:

I am very empathetic. Confess all.

I reckon you'll blab...  noooo:
Title: Re: Agony Corner
Post by: Nick on July 04, 2018, 07:18:45 PM
No. No one will know  angel1