The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: smallpint on November 10, 2010, 06:58:56 PM
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I'm outside freezing to death, listening to happy laughter coming from the Saloon bar. I'm a bit shy, can I come in?
scared2:
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welcome ...,, your round I think.??
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Welcome .... All the pints served here are small! Barman never gives full measure!
Pedantry is an art form in this place so don't EVER take offence! It is all a joke.
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I'm outside freezing to death, listening to happy laughter coming from the Saloon bar. I'm a bit shy, can I come in?
scared2:
Happy laughter? eeek:
Not a bloody chance when I'm in their isn't. Angry9:
Don't do happy, especially today.
You sure you're in the right place like? rubschin:
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So what's gone wrong today Growler?
For me it is the news that the three year old boiler is fooked. An expense I can well do without at this time of the year. Bloody cold without the central heating. Yes I know you are gas trained and thanks anyway for the offer that I know you will make but this is oil fired.
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Welcome .... All the pints served here are small! Barman never gives full measure!
Pedantry is an art form in this place so don't EVER take offence! It is all a joke.
small pints..??? as opposed to large pints..???
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Oh yes ..... I once mentioned I knew how he could sell more beer.
His eyes lit up $ $
"How?" he demanded "Tell me NOW!"
"Try filling the fooking glasses"
And people wonder why I have to sleep in the kennel. ::)
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Welcome Smallpint....pull up a stool and bustle right on in.
Have they informed you about the initiation ceremony? ;D
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Vanished ... without a goodbye. sad24:
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You lot frightened em off noooo:....I keep telling you 'inside voices' until they've settled in lol:
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Us? We couldn't have been nicer ............. Could we? rubschin:
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You lot frightened em off noooo:....I keep telling you 'inside voices' until they've settled in lol:
Oh I might have known it would be MY fault. Shrugs:
Bloody wimmin. ::)
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He prolly saw you setting fire to the sauce bags noooo:
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He prolly saw you setting fire to the sauce bags noooo:
Sod off, mouse.
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sad32:
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Who was that masked stranger?
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So what's gone wrong today Growler?
Usual. Wimmin. Mrs G and her clone, MM. Banghead
Nearing the end of her training now. Soon be a fully fledged and overly qualified PITA. whistle:
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Isn't that a kind of bread? rubschin:
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Isn't that a kind of bread? rubschin:
OK Mr bloody pedantic Mouse.
P.I.T.A. ::)
Applies to you too actually.
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I think he means:
1) Acronym for Pain In The Ass, a major annoyance.
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sad32:
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He/she's back ~ come in, have a drink.
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The wimmin may have to tempt him, somehow rubschin:
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They might be a she ( small pint rubschin: )
Party001:
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I'm coming in, I'm not shy anymore. whistle:
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Hurrah!
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Good to see ya, mine's a pint of Young's please!
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Good evening Slim Plant...You need an avatart...
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Priorities dear boy...we need booze first lol:
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Oh...didn't you get one? Slim Plant prolly put one in for you...
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Hello... whats the occasion then, seems to be a lot of empties on the bar? A vodka would be nice, I can just about hold a glass while I wait for this nail varnish to dry.
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Wave you hands about like.
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Wave you hands about like.
Won't I spill the vodka if I do that then?
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I'll hold your voddy for you luv lol:
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I'll hold your voddy for you luv lol:
Oh thanks Miss D. How are you doing? Shocking pink I've put on tonight... do you think the nail police will be ok with it? ;D
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They're never happy ...... the experts of pickiness will no doubt have many views on the subject
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They're never happy ...... the experts of pickness will no doubt have many views on the subject
happy001 That's bloody rich in'it?
Any'ow, enough of this tittle tattle
Geezer, wumman animal or quivering mouse?
Which please?
We/I need to know so insults rudeness and depth of vile disgustingness can be adjusted accordingy, thank you.
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Welcome Smallpint.
I have been out today (yesterday) but will join you in a pint of my usual tomorrow (later today).
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Welcome Smallpint. I trust you befriended Snoopy by giving him a bonio, I'll have a pint please
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SmallPint - Welcome! cloud9:
Tipsy - Pictorial evidence please... whistle:
Rest - I'll have a pint of London Pride please... **cough**
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We'll have a whip round to see what we can raise ...... you emptied the "Blind Box" and the "Poppy Tin" before you left for your holiday evil:
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We'll have a whip round to see what we can raise ...... you emptied the "Blind Box" and the "Poppy Tin" before you left for your holiday evil:
And the condom machine in the ladies.... redface:
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Well something needs to be used from that machine lol:
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We'll have a whip round to see what we can raise ...... you emptied the "Blind Box" and the "Poppy Tin" before you left for your holiday evil:
And the condom machine in the ladies.... redface:
Funny you should say that. When we had pubs I allowed "MATES" to install machines in both ladies and gents. Their rep would call monthly and replenish the machines, remove the cash box and count it out in front of me. He/she would then divi up my commission. The "Ladies" machine always paid out twice as much as the one in the "Gents"
An additional observation was that the "Ladies" machine sold out of "Flavoured" varieties faster than the ordinary ones. The "Gents" never sold more than one pack of flavours a month!
Tells you something but I am quite not sure what. confused:
The first time, following installation, the rep called to re-stock the machines he came through the door to the bar where I was standing and simply said "Mates?" in an enquiring tone. I had forgotten the condom machines and held out my hand saying "Happy to be friends with anyone" redface:
Having recovered from this unexpected greeting he said "Nah ~ I've come to do the condoms" and walked toward the bogs. I followed and as we got to the door of the Ladies he asked "Had any complaints?" ..... to this day I carry a mental image of someone coming through the door, heavily pregnant and saying "'Ere you, I used condoms from your machine and they didn't f'ing work ... watcher goin' to do about it?"
Edit to say ~ If "The Affs" were around I'm sure they would point out that I have prolly told this tale before ..... Sorry
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We'll have a whip round to see what we can raise ...... you emptied the "Blind Box" and the "Poppy Tin" before you left for your holiday evil:
And the condom machine in the ladies.... redface:
Funny you should say that. When we had pubs I allowed "MATES" to install machines in both ladies and gents. Their rep would call monthly and replenish the machines, remove the cash box and count it out in front of me. He/she would then divi up my commission. The "Ladies" machine always paid out twice as much as the one in the "Gents"
An additional observation was that the "Ladies" machine sold out of "Flavoured" varieties faster than the ordinary ones. The "Gents" never sold more than one pack of flavours a month!
Tells you something but I am quite not sure what. confused:
The first time, following installation, the rep called to re-stock the machines he came through the door to the bar where I was standing and simply said "Mates?" in an enquiring tone. I had forgotten the condom machines and held out my hand saying "Happy to be friends with anyone" redface:
Having recovered from this unexpected greeting he said "Nah ~ I've come to do the condoms" and walked toward the bogs. I followed and as we got to the door of the Ladies he asked "Had any complaints?" ..... to this day I carry a mental image of someone coming through the door, heavily pregnant and saying "'Ere you, I used condoms from your machine and they didn't f'ing work ... watcher goin' to do about it?"
;D
Did you ever try putting a tampon machine in the gents...?
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Don't be silly......then the toilets would just be continually blocked with blokes playing with expanding submarines ::)
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lol: lol: lol:
No tampon machines ~ Couldn't have handled the complaints. ;)
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Snoop is dead right.
The laydees is always the major money spinner in an English boozer with regard to condom machines.
IMHO they want a 'bit' after a good night of drinks, but not the other 18+ years of handling a sproglet.
I do not blame them really.
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But gerls don't wear condo....., oh, I see what you mean redface:
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
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I fear we may be heading toward Mr Gutter again 8)
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cool14:
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
Oh yes...very attractive they are too. May as well just put a Sainsbury's plastic bag inside you noooo: ( or any other branded bag so as not to discrimninate like noooo: )
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
Oh yes...very attractive they are too. May as well just put a Sainsbury's plastic bag inside you noooo: ( or any other branded bag so as not to discrimninate like noooo: )
I just paid 2p for a bag at Halfrauds... rubschin:
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
Oh yes...very attractive they are too. May as well just put a Sainsbury's plastic bag inside you noooo: ( or any other branded bag so as not to discrimninate like noooo: )
I just paid 2p for a bag at Halfrauds... rubschin:
The cheapskate hopes he'll get lucky this week razz:
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
Oh yes...very attractive they are too. May as well just put a Sainsbury's plastic bag inside you noooo: ( or any other branded bag so as not to discrimninate like noooo: )
I just paid 2p for a bag at Halfrauds... rubschin:
how did this go from welcoming a new member , to inserting carrier bags ..??????
The cheapskate hopes he'll get lucky this week razz:
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You can get gerl condom things tho can't you...?
Oh yes...very attractive they are too. May as well just put a Sainsbury's plastic bag inside you noooo: ( or any other branded bag so as not to discrimninate like noooo: )
I just paid 2p for a bag at Halfrauds... rubschin:
The cheapskate hopes he'll get lucky this week razz:
how did this go from welcoming a new member , to inserting carrier bags ..??????
You'll get used to it eventually... like the quote system... whistle:
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It occurs that you should have got a puncture repair kit while you were there.
I understand that's what the Scottish Regiments do whistle:
Scots soldier goes into Boots and the young lady assistant asks if she can help him
"Aye lassie" he rummages in his sporran and pulls out a much repaired condom, almost entirely covered in puncture repair patches and says "Can ye repair these?"
"Errrrr No sir" says the girl, blushing "But we do stock them in packs of three at £3.33 or a pack of ten at £8.99"
Scot rubs his chin "I'll need tae think aboot that ..... d'ye sell them singly?"
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.................
Girl goes and speaks to the manager and comes back. "We could split a pack and let you have a single one"
"I'll be back afore long" says the Scot and leaves the shop.
Next day he is back brandishing the much repaired item "D'ye remember me?" he asks.
"Oh yes" says the girl, thinking how could I ever forget you.
"Weeellll lassie, the lads in the regiment have authorised me to have a whip round and we'll tak a single one"
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Ewwww.... sick2:
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I can tell it better than I can type it! razz:
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SmallPint - Welcome! cloud9:
Tipsy - Pictorial evidence please... whistle:
Rest - I'll have a pint of London Pride please... **cough**
I have the evidence just can't find the cable to connect camera to pc. redface:
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SmallPint - Welcome! cloud9:
Tipsy - Pictorial evidence please... whistle:
Rest - I'll have a pint of London Pride please... **cough**
I have the evidence just can't find the cable to connect camera to pc. redface:
::) Case dismissed
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SmallPint - Welcome! cloud9:
Tipsy - Pictorial evidence please... whistle:
Rest - I'll have a pint of London Pride please... **cough**
I have the evidence just can't find the cable to connect camera to pc. redface:
::) Case dismissed
Yes, I looked it was'nt in there. noooo:
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drumroll:
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Where is slim plant anyway?
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Where is slim plant anyway?
Shrugs:
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
Secret eh...? rubschin:
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
The Toilet is blocked again then noooo:
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happy001 happy001 happy001
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
The Toilet is blocked again then noooo:
drumroll:
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
The Toilet is blocked again then noooo:
Is that why you needed a P before?
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
The Toilet is blocked again then noooo:
But I told BM that was his job whilst I was away!!!
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BM is in the UK so I've had to do it again!
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Smallpint I have been away on a top secret mission, your mission should you choose to accept it is to dabble in the waters of the VP they are not nearly as toxic as they may appear at first. Welcome. ;)
The Toilet is blocked again then noooo:
But I told BM that was his job whilst I was away!!!
evil:
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So what happened to SmallPrint then?
Did we fail to read him correctly? redface:
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I think he took the rap for the great 2010 CLassic Car Show disaster noooo:
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I thought Baldy stepped up to the plate for that one rubschin:
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I think he took the rap for the great 2010 CLassic Car Show disaster noooo:
No.
You get that accollade hands down, only you're quite simply just too simple to actually realise it.
Quickly followed by a couple of idiotic sheeples in here too though, granted.
End of the day, it was all a big setup. All pissing in the same pot, bunch of horrible spiteful Wankah:
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I think he took the rap for the great 2010 CLassic Car Show disaster noooo:
Classicgate?
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From now on, yes razz:
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From now on, yes razz:
Finger:
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ClassicGate! happy001
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That's Golden Gate you daft ha'p'orth ;)
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But it's a classic whistle:
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Wonder if the rain is golden too? razz:
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But it's a classic whistle:
drumroll:
Miss D is on top form! worthy:
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Wonder if the rain is golden too? razz:
Spank2:
Stop taking the Mickey
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redface: redface: redface:
That hurts more than the rolled newspaper sad24:
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redface: redface: redface:
That hurts more than the rolled newspaper sad24:
Even the glossy Sunday magazine? eveilgrin:
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Oh yes ~ get LL to demonstrate!................... If you haven't already. whistle:
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Oh yes ~ get LL to demonstrate!................... If you haven't already. whistle:
noooo:
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Oh yes ~ get LL to demonstrate!................... If you haven't already. whistle:
noooo:
Such a missed opportunity ~ for both of you eveilgrin: