The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on July 15, 2007, 10:42:07 AM
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Corker this morning. Mrs Nick and The Boy went off early (tennis) and I lay in bed quietly reading yesterday's paper. After a while the Cat clambered up, licked me and fell asleep.
After a few minutes I became aware of a warm wet sensation and my quivering nostrils then confirmed my worst fears: the cat had peed in its sleep eeek:
Leapt up, ejected cat, ripped off all bedclothes (new mattress, new mattress cover, new duvet, new everything eeek: eeek:) and slammed everytythinginto washing machine on maximum warp. Flung windows open.
Jumped into car (having discovered that the laternative double duvet was pronounced dead and disposed of three weeks ago) and set off in search of duvet in order to conceal evidence and save my skin (and The Cat's). Made pell mell for local duvet shop. SHUT Banghead Banghead.
Drove around looking right and left for any sort of shop. Even tried the local DIY.
Raced home, stuck two single duvets in double duvet cover) pending clandestine purchase of new double duvet later.
ANd I have just realised that the stinking duvet is still in the boot of my car, as I forgot to take it to the dump, and we are going out for lunch IN THE CAR at 12.30.
Must run........................
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Oh Nick ~ I am soooooo sorry but
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
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Thanks a lot!
Old duvet now safely heading for landfill. Car windows open to disperse stench.
And Mrs Nick has not yet spotted my cunning substitution. Just have to find a way of slipping away this afternoon and then smuggling a double duvet into the house undetected before bedtime scared2:
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Never going to happen! I fear for the cat. scared2: This isn't the first of such incidents is it? And you know it will be all your fault! eveilgrin:
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Whose cat is it?
Yours or Hers or Boys?
If it is not yours you can justifiably stand on your dignity and accuse them of owning an incontinent cat that crept up on you for a piss. You can then lard on further accusations about failure to care for the animal properly, inadequate training of cat etc.
If it is yours then you might as well start moving your few pitiful possessions into the Dog House now.
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Very commendable behaviour, I must say. Taking the rap for the cat is something not too many would have done.
Getting on a bit is it? have a clap
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Very commendable behaviour, I must say. Taking the rap for the cat is something not too many would have done.
Getting on a bit is it? have a clap
Her cat (pushing 20) but ownership nominally transferred to me in cases of feline misdemeanour (obviously), as is also the case with The Boy, as in "He's your son..." etc.
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The only cat I ever had in my life (apart from wives etc) lived to be 21 and then my ex-wife had her destroyed mainly due to incontinence! I was very upset though by then out of the picture having divorced a couple of years before and left the home and cat in her charge. I was surprised at being upset as I don't actually like cats much (with some notable exceptions of course ~ he added quickly before they read this)
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As a matter of interest, you have seen the cat since you went to the dump have you? whistle:
We had part of a hedgehog in our pool yesterday ? I suspect one of the cats? cussing:
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As a matter of interest, you have seen the cat since you went to the dump have you? whistle:
We had part of a hedgehog in our pool yesterday ? I suspect one of the cats? cussing:
Part of a hedgehog? Part of a hedgehog!?? . . and you suspect the cat???? eeek: Has anyone ever pointed out that if the 'cat' weighs best part of half a ton and stands about 3 feet high, it is probably a lion or somesuch?
I know of no generally kept domestic animal that can take on a hedgepig and dismember it. Cars can do it, but domestic animals, NO!
I regularly have to remove them from our garden where they are annoying the K9s by rolling into a ball and pricking them. It takes stout gardening or oven gloves to remove said creature.
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As a matter of interest, you have seen the cat since you went to the dump have you? whistle:
We had part of a hedgehog in our pool yesterday ? I suspect one of the cats? cussing:
Part of a hedgehog? Part of a hedgehog!?? . . and you suspect the cat???? eeek: Has anyone ever pointed out that if the 'cat' weighs best part of half a ton and stands about 3 feet high, it is probably a lion or somesuch?
I know of no generally kept domestic animal that can take on a hedgepig and dismember it. Cars can do it, but domestic animals, NO!
I regularly have to remove them from our garden where they are annoying the K9s by rolling into a ball and pricking them. It takes stout gardening or oven gloves to remove said creature.
Well, there was a piece of hedgehog skin and now the pool is full of spiky things ? perhaps a vulture dropped it? shrugs:
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Vultures?
Umm! I suppose they had to settle for something seeing as you ran away. ;)
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As a matter of interest, you have seen the cat since you went to the dump have you? whistle:
We had part of a hedgehog in our pool yesterday ? I suspect one of the cats? cussing:
Part of a hedgehog? Part of a hedgehog!?? . . and you suspect the cat???? eeek: Has anyone ever pointed out that if the 'cat' weighs best part of half a ton and stands about 3 feet high, it is probably a lion or somesuch?
I know of no generally kept domestic animal that can take on a hedgepig and dismember it. Cars can do it, but domestic animals, NO!
I regularly have to remove them from our garden where they are annoying the K9s by rolling into a ball and pricking them. It takes stout gardening or oven gloves to remove said creature.
Well, there was a piece of hedgehog skin and now the pool is full of spiky things ? perhaps a vulture dropped it? shrugs:
Entirely possible I'd say. Take one roadkill hedgepig, marauding local vulture, pissed off 'cos Barmans done a runner, spots said roadkill and goes for the (rather flat by now) jugular of hedgepig. On flying away, spots Barman near pool and drops hedgepig remains in shock.
It now is both hungry and exceedingly pissed off for two reasons: it has lost its dinner and realises that it's been 'done over like a kipper' by Barman, who clearly hasn't done a runner.
Beware Barman, he is out for revenge!
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Can fully back up Barman here (despite cries of disbelief) in that there were bits (some large and some small) of hedgepig (thought I was the only one who said that ;)) in the pool and have been picking quills out of the liner today
We have three cats and one dog at TLHOTP ? all adopted orphans from over the past few years.
Cat 1 name = Stinky
Cat 2 name = Piggy
Cat 3 name = Tigger
Dog 1 name = Skeelos
Tigger (cat 3) ? gave me something close to heart failure recently when Barman was reclining in his nursey nursey hotel by bringing me in a present when I was talking to our daughter on the telephone late one evening last week.
The present (not noticed immediately) was a snake which he began gaily flinging around the kitchen???.. Once cat was caught and placed in safe room I then took fork and plate (as one does) along with pink pedal bin liner??.tipped snake onto plate with fork and popped in PPBL and tied (tightly) ? placed snake in PPBL in utility room and locked door.
Thought more about it and then placed PPBL in Tupperware box and sealed lid ? then returned PPBL in TWB back in utility room and locked door.
Thought some more about it and then placed iron on top of TWB containing PPBL and snake and (again obviously) locked the door.
Thought NO MORE about it until late the following afternoon when happened to be going to the vets to collect the dog (who?s got a bad ear at the moment thanks for asking) and thought it would be a good idea to take the TWB with PPBL and snake to the vet so he could identify it.
Happened on the way out to bump into a friend who said ?oh what have you got there? so explained and he then said ?oh can I have a look because I know most of the snake types here and I like them? ? oh okay says I.
Give him the TWB with PPBL and snake and he opens it up and GUESS WHAT ? the snake lives scared2: scared2: scared2:
Friend then agreed to free snake far away from TLHOTP but also confirmed that it was a coin snake and not poisonous --- oh that makes it all better !!
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Can fully back up Barman here (despite cries of disbelief) in that there were bits (some large and some small) of hedgepig (thought I was the only one who said that ;)) in the pool and have been picking quills out of the liner today
We have three cats and one dog at TLHOTP ? all adopted orphans from over the past few years.
Cat 1 name = Stinky
Cat 2 name = Piggy
Cat 3 name = Tigger
Dog 1 name = Skeelos
Tigger (cat 3) ? gave me something close to heart failure recently when Barman was reclining in his nursey nursey hotel by bringing me in a present when I was talking to our daughter on the telephone late one evening last week.
The present (not noticed immediately) was a snake which he began gaily flinging around the kitchen???.. Once cat was caught and placed in safe room I then took fork and plate (as one does) along with pink pedal bin liner??.tipped snake onto plate with fork and popped in PPBL and tied (tightly) ? placed snake in PPBL in utility room and locked door.
Thought more about it and then placed PPBL in Tupperware box and sealed lid ? then returned PPBL in TWB back in utility room and locked door.
Thought some more about it and then placed iron on top of TWB containing PPBL and snake and (again obviously) locked the door.
Thought NO MORE about it until late the following afternoon when happened to be going to the vets to collect the dog (who?s got a bad ear at the moment thanks for asking) and thought it would be a good idea to take the TWB with PPBL and snake to the vet so he could identify it.
Happened on the way out to bump into a friend who said ?oh what have you got there? so explained and he then said ?oh can I have a look because I know most of the snake types here and I like them? ? oh okay says I.
Give him the TWB with PPBL and snake and he opens it up and GUESS WHAT ? the snake lives scared2: scared2: scared2:
Friend then agreed to free snake far away from TLHOTP but also confirmed that it was a coin snake and not poisonous --- oh that makes it all better !!
You have a liner in your pool?? eeek: One of these perchance?:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.greatoceanliners.net%2FImages%2FJpegs%2Ftgol.jpg&hash=03b6371fa5f88bdf24008788b0138d702aa44458)
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Well, BarMan has to have something to play with whilst floating.
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Well, BarMan has to have something to play with whilst floating.
eeek:
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Well, BarMan has to have something to play with whilst floating.
We chaps come ready equipped in the something to play with department thank you.
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What is Cat Pee made of? noooo:
Just went to get the stuff out of the washer and was blown over by the stench. It is now on super boil, triple wash extra super rinse prog. Fingers crossed! evil:
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What is Cat Pee made of? noooo:
Just went to get the stuff out of the washer and was blown over by the stench. It is now on super boil, triple wash extra super rinse prog. Fingers crossed! evil:
I trust you have a doll?s house into which you can fit it afterwards! point:
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evil:
It may survive!!
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evil:
It may survive!!
It may shrink!
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It's the amonia. Also if it's a boy cat it may have sprayed. sick2:
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It's a girl, so they are always more toxic cussing:
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Never going to happen! I fear for the cat. scared2: This isn't the first of such incidents is it? And you know it will be all your fault! eveilgrin:
And on the earlier occasion she peed on Mrs Nick's head down a stairwell!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
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Never going to happen! I fear for the cat. scared2: This isn't the first of such incidents is it? And you know it will be all your fault! eveilgrin:
And on the earlier occasion she peed on Mrs Nick's head down a stairwell!!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
And lived? eeek:
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The only cat I ever had in my life (apart from wives etc) lived to be 21 and then my ex-wife had her destroyed mainly due to incontinence! I was very upset though by then out of the picture having divorced a couple of years before and left the home and cat in her charge. I was surprised at being upset as I don't actually like cats much (with some notable exceptions of course ~ he added quickly before they read this)
noooo:The puppy don't like the kitty anymore? sad24:
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You were one of the notable exceptions referred to. Banghead
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Well the stuff came out the same size as it went in!! And Mrs Nick did not spot the new duvet.
whistle:
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Well the stuff came out the same size as it went in!! And Mrs Nick did not spot the new duvet.
whistle:
happ096
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Yeah, but it cost me ?50. Perhaps cheap at the price ::)
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Whey Hay! happy088
Nick AND the puss live to f(l)ight another day happy100
Kitty nappies are to be found at www.disasteraversiondevices.com cloud9:
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You do realise that when the inevitable happens amd Mrs Nick spots that the duvet is not 27.3 Tog, organic goose and kevlar quills, there will be an inquest?
Listen for the squeals of 'No, the cat pee'd on the old one, so I replaced it'. Angry9:
I assume this is the elderly 'Marmite the cat' we have heard about before?
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Yes to both cry:
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You do realise that when the inevitable happens amd Mrs Nick spots that the duvet is not 27.3 Tog, organic goose and kevlar quills, there will be an inquest?
Listen for the squeals of 'No, the cat pee'd on the old one, so I replaced it'. Angry9:
I assume this is the elderly 'Marmite the cat' we have heard about before?
If Mrs Nick lives up to her reputation, the conversation will go along the lines of "The CAT pee'd on it??? A likely story!"
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You do realise that when the inevitable happens amd Mrs Nick spots that the duvet is not 27.3 Tog, organic goose and kevlar quills, there will be an inquest?
Listen for the squeals of 'No, the cat pee'd on the old one, so I replaced it'. Angry9:
I assume this is the elderly 'Marmite the cat' we have heard about before?
If Mrs Nick lives up to her reputation, the conversation will go along the lines of "The CAT pee'd on it??? A likely story!"
Errrmm......
That was my intended inference and the purpose of putting 'cat' in bold. ::)
I accept that italics in addition, might have better exemplified the emphasis that Mrs Nick would put on the phrase and the implication that she really thought that Nick himself had pee'd on the duvet.
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tunble: Just getting revenge for the joke you stole off me at another time. boxing scared:
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They aren't that good. It's really not worth fighting over. eeek:
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They aren't that good. It's really not worth fighting over. eeek:
Don't go all soft and feminine on us, speak your mind girl. cussing:
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Ghostie - In case you are shocked by your increased karma I appaluded your cut and paste liners but I dont think we could fit all three in the pool, well not at the same time ::)
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The cat has just done it AGAIN! shocked003
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The cat has just done it AGAIN! shocked003
noooo:
Another ?50 down the drain...
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The stench is frightful cry:
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The cat has just done it AGAIN! shocked003
Hasn't someone somewhere invented a cat nappy? You are going to be in big trubs now!
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Just off to the duvet shop!
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Just off to the duvet shop!
That will be too big and fall off his furry rear - try nappies!
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Just off to the duvet shop!
That will be too big and fall off his furry rear - try nappies!
drumroll:
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I have ordered a duvet online from Tesco. It will be here this afternoon. Phew
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I have ordered a duvet online from Tesco. It will be here this afternoon. Phew
Link? Have you purchased polyester or down filling?
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http://direct.tesco.com/q/N.1999403/Nr.99.aspx (http://direct.tesco.com/q/N.1999403/Nr.99.aspx)
Down!
Come to think of it I ought to have got this one!
Tesco Antibacterial Kingsize Duvet, 13.5tog
Catalogue number: 201-7788
?20.00
cry:
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30% off very nice.
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Time, methinks, for this cat to meet with an accident ~ at the vet's. evil:
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The Cat and I are in this together.
OK? evil:
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Time, methinks, for this cat to meet with an accident ~ at the vet's. evil:
I shall smite you for that! evil:
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Just off to the duvet shop!
Make sure they keep one in stock for you.....
The poor cat! Must feel awful about all the trouble you're being put to. noooo:
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It does. But I have docked its pocket money.
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The Cat and I are in this together.
OK? evil:
Ahhh, so, you both pee'd on the quilt then? I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here!
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No, we just have to stick up for one another! evil:
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No, we just have to stick up for one another! evil:
You mean that Mrs Nick wants you to both have your balls removed?
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Marmite is a lady cat.
I am not scared2:
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Marmite is a lady cat.
I am not scared2:
Marmite! MARMITE! - you've called your cat Marmite? Bloody hell. Whatever next, a hamster called Bovril or a dog called Vegimite?
What is the world coming too?
P.S. I think you should be scared - of both the cat and Mrs Nick!
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Go to your pantry. Get out some marmite. Look at it. Our cat is exactly that colour.*
OK? evil:
*whatever colour that is
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Go to your pantry. Get out some marmite. Look at it. Our cat is exactly that colour.*
What colour is 'empty'?
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Buy some more marmite, cheapskate!
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Buy some more marmite, cheapskate!
Please don't ...it just encourages the manufacturers to make more sick2:
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Oh yes, devil's work. I had forgotten. Excellent on toast though. I will fax you some! evil:
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Oh yes, devil's work. I had forgotten. Excellent on toast though. I will fax you some! evil:
And I get smited again - for saying what- I don't like Marmite Banghead
What do I care -Marmite is tarmac in a jar and is highly rated in my disgusterous food chart
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Oh yes, devil's work. I had forgotten. Excellent on toast though. I will fax you some! evil:
And I get smited again - for saying whatI don't like Marmite Banghead
What do I care -Marmite is tarmac in a jar and is highly rated in my disgusterous food chart
Wot she said.
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Rich in vitamins!
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Oh yes, devil's work. I had forgotten. Excellent on toast though. I will fax you some! evil:
And I get smited again - for saying whatI don't like Marmite Banghead
What do I care -Marmite is tarmac in a jar and is highly rated in my disgusterous food chart
Never mind Miss D, I'll give you the clap happy100
Bear in mind that Nick has to be careful about what he does in the kitchen so marmite is probably a safe bet point:
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Rich in vitamins!
So is lots of other stuff that I don't like. Like spinach!
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Rich in vitamins!
So is lots of other stuff that I don't like. Like spinach!
And semen, but you wouldn't put either of those on toast, or name a pet for that matter, would you?
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We have a frog, or perhaps a toad, called Spinach (for obvious reasons). Perhaps you would like to meet him!
And our remaining tadpole is called Seaman
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Rich in vitamins!
So is lots of other stuff that I don't like. Like spinach!
And semen, but you wouldn't put either of those on toast, or name a pet for that matter, would you?
I was too polite to go there.
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Never mind Miss D, I'll give you the clap happy100
Bear in mind that Nick has to be careful about what he does in the kitchen so marmite is probably a safe bet point:
Thanks GM - I wasn't begging honestly - (well not this time anyway) whistle:
Nick has to be careful whatever he does and where ever he does it - lets not limit his potential noooo:
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We have a frog, or perhaps a toad, called Spinach (for obvious reasons). Perhaps you would like to meet him!
And our remaining tadpole is called Seaman
Ahhh, Mr Toad!
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No, Seaman!
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I refer the honourable gentleman to my post in which I have now highlighted his own turn of phrase:
We have a frog, or perhaps a toad, called Spinach (for obvious reasons). Perhaps you would like to meet him!
And our remaining tadpole is called Seaman
Ahhh, Mr Toad!
This, one assumes, is the origin of a certain Mr Toad - and I can't see any obvious reason to call it/him/her Spinach! If it is due to the fact of the colour, then you could equally have called it: Spring Greens, Cabbage, Brussels Sprout, Lettuce, Brocolli or indeed, any other green vegetable.
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Spinach suited him.
OK?
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Peanut butter and Marmite on toast. cloud9:
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sick2: :lalalala
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Peanut butter and Marmite on toast. cloud9:
Blimey Barman, you've got some odd tastes - peanut butter and cat on toast!
I do hope you cook the cat first rather than serve it up as either cat carpaccio or tartare.
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Bournville Plain was another option, but a bit of a mouthful!?
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I remember hearing a request for a Gateaux in Spain.
When the poor guy recovered his breathing ability he said:
"Madam! There is no Gatto in my cake."
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Well he would say that, wouldn't he?
With apologies to Mandy Rice-Davies
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I remember hearing a request for a Gateaux in Spain.
When the poor guy recovered his breathing ability he said:
"Madam! There is no Gatto in my cake."
I once learnt from some Palestinians that my name sounds like "Motherf*cker" in their version of Arabic evil:
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I can match that. My name sounds like 'Lesbian' in French. redface:
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I always worried (even at O level) about the words SALE being displayed in shop windows. If you know anything about French it must be disturbing!
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It says much more about the workings of your mind shrugs: (That's a Gallic Shrug BTW)
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It says much more about the workings of your mind shrugs: (That's a Gallic Shrug BTW)
Dirty or Lesbian?
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It says much more about the workings of your mind shrugs: (That's a Gallic Shrug BTW)
Dirty or Lesbian?
Probably ~~~~~ YES!
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I always worried (even at O level) about the words SALE being displayed in shop windows. If you know anything about French it must be disturbing!
redface: In my younger days, somewhere in France, I remember once asking for "Ready salted crisps", only I got it wrong and he took offence at my appearing to question the cleanliness of his products. whistle: