The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Just One More on July 10, 2010, 10:49:53 AM

Title: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 10, 2010, 10:49:53 AM: Channel 4 thought of trying a new show called 'The Black Apprentice'
Alan Sugar refused,saying. ''I don't have no time for no monkey business!''

Raoul Moat.
The most dangerous ginger to emerge from the woods since last month's fox attack. whistle:

I'm not convinced Raoul Moat is a natural ginger. Evidence...
1) He had a girlfriend.
2) He can walk around in daylight without spontaneously combusting.
3) Two 'friends' helped him.
4) Surely a real ginger would never wear an orange t-shirt. whistle:

As I sat in my armchair eating a bacon sandwich, an advert came on TV showing starving African children, and I couldn't help thinking.........
......how great my bacon sandwich tasted.

Northumberland Police had ordered the closure of all local fish and chip shops. They said they couldn't have their fishy on a dishy till the Moat came in

Ok no more jokes about the Geordie murderer there not even ..... Raulmoatley funny .................. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 10, 2010, 05:58:01 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 14, 2010, 06:31:52 PM: Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!

A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!

I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!

Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on August 14, 2010, 07:05:10 PM: lol: lol: lol:

Australian foreplay: Brace yourself Sheila
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2010, 07:04:48 AM: Excellent jokes! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 20, 2010, 08:44:33 PM: Joke of the year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 20, 2010, 08:47:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 20, 2010, 08:44:33 PM
Joke of the year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 21, 2010, 04:25:09 PM: Apparently, one of the most popular boys' names in Britain nowadays is Mohammed.

Compare that to Pakistan, where the most popular boys' name is now Bob............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 25, 2010, 10:42:34 PM: A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 25, 2010, 10:58:54 PM: What do you call the first Pakistani off the boat? Amhere.

What do you call the second Pakistani off the boat? Amhere Azwel.

What do you call the third Pakistani off the boat? Amhere Azwel Azhim.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:22:51 PM: From Sky News: The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd. He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first. Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 26, 2010, 09:25:50 PM: Bad Tipsy Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:28:46 PM: WAKE UP NICK! You've been asleep! It's just a dream. scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 26, 2010, 11:23:05 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:22:51 PM
From Sky News: The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd. He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first. Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2010, 05:00:06 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:22:51 PM
From Sky News: The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd. He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first. Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 01, 2010, 08:08:32 PM: I'm living next door to a muslim couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

Can you spare just £2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick." It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Jocks and Scousers is not the correct answer

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard
and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 01, 2010, 09:20:03 PM: Have you considered changing your email address? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2010, 04:21:42 AM: Keep em coming JOM! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:27:27 PM: A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:31:16 PM: A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 01:34:32 PM: A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk: "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first: "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 02:41:43 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 03, 2010, 01:27:27 PM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2010, 02:58:26 PM: Quote from: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 02:41:43 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 03, 2010, 01:27:27 PM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."

happy001 happy001

That was the best one! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 03:01:42 PM: True story from Miss D perhaps...

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 03:02:34 PM: Never been to Australia .......yet lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 03:03:07 PM: What about down under?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 03:03:38 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 03, 2010, 03:02:34 PM
Never been to Australia .......yet lol:

But am now saving furiously

I've changed it for you. eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 03:05:21 PM: Quote from: Pirate on September 03, 2010, 03:03:07 PM
What about down under?

Don't know what you mean angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:04:03 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 03, 2010, 03:02:34 PM
Never been to Australia .......yet lol:

I still have a vacancy for an assistant whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 04:07:33 PM: Ooooooooh I can assist very well cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 04:10:33 PM: Really?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbwPNOKni9s&feature
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:14:25 PM: Jeeeeesus! That is some mullet! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:24:25 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 03, 2010, 04:07:33 PM
Ooooooooh I can assist very well cloud9:

Very well, we should arrange an ~~interview~~ Sunday Lunch lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 03, 2010, 04:28:42 PM: Best make it finger food Miss D, strictly no knives ~ he may want to audition you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 03, 2010, 04:29:40 PM: Watch out for his swelling whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 03, 2010, 04:30:39 PM: I bring my own sharp instruments Snoops whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:42:58 PM: Fortunately, MissD's Rosa Klebb routine has yet to be unleashed under the table ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 03, 2010, 06:25:46 PM: Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2010, 08:49:37 AM: Quote from: Pastis on September 03, 2010, 04:14:25 PM
Jeeeeesus! That is some mullet! eeek:

Was that the bit when she did the splits like whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 05, 2010, 09:04:39 AM: News Today ..'Wayne Rooney in new escort girl scandal' ....

'The shame and publicity means my partner may never forgive me',

said the prostitute.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 05, 2010, 09:38:43 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 05, 2010, 10:04:22 AM: ;D

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2FwI8pi.jpg&hash=ab2271b832f2c336f867d583a2998022c06dee55) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqwI8pi)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2010, 11:34:21 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 05, 2010, 10:04:22 AM
;D

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2FwI8pi.jpg&hash=ab2271b832f2c336f867d583a2998022c06dee55) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqwI8pi)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2010, 06:56:28 PM: The Preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!"
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies : "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays he prays for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says,

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2010, 08:57:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

That was fresh in your inbox was it...? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 09:02:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 12, 2010, 08:57:26 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

That was fresh in your inbox was it...? noooo:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 12, 2010, 09:10:39 AM: Carrying on in the same vein ..... redface:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 12, 2010, 09:14:55 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 12, 2010, 09:10:39 AM
Carrying on in the same vein ..... redface:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 12, 2010, 09:17:35 AM: Evidently Miss D has bugged the BM household.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2010, 05:04:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 12, 2010, 08:57:26 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

That was fresh in your inbox was it...? noooo:

I think I first saw that one on a telex.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2010, 05:53:37 PM: Telex cloud9: Dad use to work for Western Union on the 60's and we sometimes use to go in to see him after shopping with mum. I use to be fascinated by the "magic typewriter" that typed by itself redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 12, 2010, 08:56:15 PM: Yeah...my old man used to tell me that the pre-payment gas meter was my moneybox... noooo: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2010, 10:12:39 PM: Quote from: Pirate on September 12, 2010, 08:56:15 PM
Yeah...my old man used to tell me that the pre-payment gas meter was my moneybox... noooo: sad32:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 04:51:33 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2010, 05:04:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 12, 2010, 08:57:26 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 12, 2010, 08:41:49 AM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

That was fresh in your inbox was it...? noooo:

I think I first saw that one on a telex.

The first time I saw it was like this...

Quote
.--- .- -.- . + .-- .- ... + -.. -.-- .. -. --. + .... .. ... + .-- .. ..-. . + ... .- - + .- - + - .... . + -... . -.. ... .. -.. . + .... . + .-.. --- --- -.- . -.. + ..- .--. + .- -. -.. + ... .- .. -.. + .-- . .- -.- .-.. -.-- + .. + .... .- ...- . + ... --- -- . - .... .. -. --. + .. + -- ..- ... - + -.-. --- -. ..-. . ... ... + - .... . .-. . ... + -. --- + -. . . -.. + - --- + .... .. ... + .-- .. ..-. . + .-. . .--. .-.. .. . -.. + -. --- + .... . + .. -. ... .. ... - . -.. + .. + .-- .- -. - + - --- + -.. .. . + .. -. + .--. . .- -.-. . + .. + ... .-.. . .--. - + .-- .. - .... + -.-- --- ..- .-. + ... .. ... - . .-. + -.-- --- ..- .-. + -... . ... - + ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. + .... . .-. + -... . ... - + ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. + .- -. -.. + -.-- --- ..- .-. + -- --- - .... . .-. + .. + -.- -. --- .-- + ... .... . + .-. . .--. .-.. .. . -.. + -. --- .-- + .--- ..- ... - + .-. . ... - + .- -. -.. + .-.. . - + - .... . + .--. --- .. ... --- -. + .-- --- .-. -.-

Quite frankly, you'd have thought Harold Bride and Jack Phillips would have had better things to do.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:12:42 PM: There was a wealthy man who was too mean to share his wealth with anyone.

One day he became very ill and on his death bed he called his wife and made her promise that she would bury all his money with him. So tearfully she agreed. Not long after he passed away and at his funeral his widow went up to his coffin and placed a bag inside. Her best friend - with whom she had disclosed what her husband had asked - whispered in her ear "You didn't do what that old fool wanted did you?"
"Of course I did. I have to respect my late husband's wishes" responded the widow then she looked at her best frind with a sly grin and said "I wrote a cheque".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 13, 2010, 02:16:03 PM: That one doesn't smell very fresh either. So old it has ivy growing round it. noooo:

To quote El Dippy ~ Up your game young lady.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:28:34 PM: Err no ...I thought we were in retro mode rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 02:50:51 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 13, 2010, 02:28:34 PM
Err no ...I thought we were in retro mode rubschin:

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 02:57:44 PM: Oh well, I have now pronounced it officially to be so whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 03:00:07 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 13, 2010, 02:57:44 PM
Oh well, I have now pronounced it officially to be so whistle:

I'll re-name the thread "Fresh from ye olde poste box then"? ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 13, 2010, 03:00:54 PM: You do as you please...it's bound to be wrong whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2010, 03:05:45 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 13, 2010, 03:00:54 PM
You do as you please...it's bound to be wrong whistle:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: tel on September 14, 2010, 04:12:49 PM: Just got sent this, had forgotten all about it -old I know, but -

http://www.youtube.com/user/waffley1999#p/a/f/1/Izet8zN1vmE
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on September 16, 2010, 05:46:16 PM: The improved National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 18, 2010, 07:48:34 AM: A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your Prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One .. Two ....Three".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 18, 2010, 09:32:55 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 19, 2010, 02:01:46 PM: Just received ... ;D ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iANRO3I30nM&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 19, 2010, 02:25:04 PM: I worry about you, I really do noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2010, 02:31:34 PM: I've heard that record so many times on the radio recently and it's so bloody annoying. The video makes it easier on the ear (just) but I wonder if that was "take #108" when they finally got it right

oh, and thanks for the earworm cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 19, 2010, 03:27:12 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on September 19, 2010, 02:25:04 PM

I worry about you, I really do noooo:

You're not the only one ... the relevant numbers are logged as ICE on my mobile angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:30:55 AM: An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini iItaly went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said: Bless MeFather for I have sinned During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours
This happened several times a weekand sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did> you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actionsyou are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:52:52 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:30:55 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini iItaly went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said: Bless MeFather for I have sinned During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours
This happened several times a weekand sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did> you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actionsyou are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The Affs would be on that like a shot.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:54:08 AM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:59:38 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:54:08 AM
evil:

point:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 20, 2010, 11:19:16 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:59:38 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:54:08 AM
evil:

point:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0

Better typed too. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2010, 11:41:43 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on September 20, 2010, 11:19:16 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 20, 2010, 10:59:38 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 20, 2010, 10:54:08 AM
evil:

point:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4917.0

Better typed too. whistle:

Indeed! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2010, 12:11:36 PM: Never rely on the spell checker alone. . . noooo:

From the parish newsletter:

".... and xxxxx has decided to retire from the council since being diagnosed with irrational bowl syndrome..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 12:19:03 PM: That is what Tipsy has whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on September 20, 2010, 12:40:13 PM: evil: I am better thank you very much!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 12:43:56 PM: Good. I have thought of little else but your bowels all day noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 20, 2010, 12:46:18 PM: Been choosing paint colours have we rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2010, 01:51:46 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 20, 2010, 12:46:18 PM
Been choosing paint colours have we rubschin:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on September 20, 2010, 03:56:22 PM: Oh no noooo:

Quote
‘Ginger’ chandelier with crystal rings from Micron
Published: 20-Sep-2010

Italian light fixture maker Micron has introduced a new series of luxury lamp named ‘Ginger’ featuring a sparkling waterfall form made of crystal rings.

With its perpetual fall of crystals shape, Ginger hanging lights create a luxurious light effect with glasses sparkling through light. The quantity and position of rings make a unique aesthetic appeal to this design chandelier.

Each crystal ring hangs in a circle scheme that falls from the ceiling and floats in the air. Some of the rings are coloured in ruby red or warm amber or trendy purple or black, to offer an enhanced visual appeal.

Ginger is available in three sizes - with 140 crystal rings, 42 lights and diameter of 80 cm (M6480); with 54 rings and 27 lights (M6460); and with 18 rings and nine lights (M6410). The wires are supplied with maximum height of 150/130/100 cm.

You want to see it don't you? Well here you go:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.businessreviewonline.com%2Fbrnewsitesimagesrootfilepath%2FFile_root%2FArticle%2Fginger_chandelier_with_crystal_rings_from_micron_100920%2Fgingerf.jpg&hash=0b7c98d57146a13e1de297e8dd81de9b5729f2e5)

Isn't that just f... f..... f.... fabulous doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2010, 03:58:00 PM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2010, 06:58:04 PM: The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All
the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor asked:

“Do you have a blue Paki ?? “
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2010, 06:59:58 PM: "One lady owner."

So the clutch is fucked then?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 22, 2010, 05:18:05 PM: > >WOMAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday 20th Sept 2006
> >
> >Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
> >shopping
> >in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him -
> thought it
> >might be that.
> >
> >The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
> quieter
> >to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we
> went
> >somewhere nice to eat.
> >
> >All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
> >didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
> >
> >I just knew that something was wrong.
> >
> >He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He
> >hesitated but followed.
> >
> >I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
> the
> >television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was
> going
> >upstairs to bed.
> >
> >I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
> >
> >He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
> >
> >He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
> surprise,
> >we
> >made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
> >
> >Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
> found
> >someone else.
> >
> >
> >MAN'S DIARY:
> >
> >Thursday, 20th September 2006
> >
> >West Ham lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
>
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2010, 05:42:48 PM: The Affs! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 22, 2010, 09:02:40 PM: Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2010, 04:29:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 22, 2010, 09:02:40 PM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 23, 2010, 09:18:40 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 22, 2010, 09:02:40 PM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money too!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 24, 2010, 09:47:21 PM: Things you never hear a traffic police officer say

•"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
•"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
•"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
•"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
•"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind awfully,
if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
•"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
•"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
•"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
•"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
•"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial - it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Remember

- There are three types of people, those that make things happen, those that watch things happen and those that wondered what happened!

- If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty!!

Cut-Backs
I see MI5 got in on the act today, sharing with us the fact that they are actively investigating simply gazillions of terrorist cells plotting to murder each and every one of us in our beds. And if their budget is cut by so much as a tenner next year, we will all die.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2010, 03:42:13 PM: An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 06, 2010, 05:55:38 PM: When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonnareah. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonnareah."

The widow replied, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."

My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.

Guy pulled over today and asked me how'd I get to ASDA!! I was honest and said "my mum takes me" and walked off.

My wife insisted we put a mobile up above the baby's cot. What a waste of money. He can't lift his head let alone text.

NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again' He's clearly not very good

Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken

I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98

A man was accused of pushing a rival through a combine harvester. Police didn't have a shred of evidence.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2010, 06:07:28 PM: Quote
My wife flew off the handle today... ...the kids walked in when she was masturbating with the broom.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 07, 2010, 03:22:01 AM: Let's Just Offend Everyone....but be politically correct!!!

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him, 'I wish I had your will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

And the best one ...

I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 07, 2010, 03:28:49 AM: Nancy Reagan and justice

We could all learn so much from Nancy Reagan, an elegant and gracious

lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young

man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely

obsessed with movie star, Jodie Foster. In his twisted mind, he loved

Jodie to the point that he was willing to assassinate President Reagan in

order to make himself well known to her.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released, as it is believed

that he has now been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the

following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: Mr. John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we

are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our

country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know

that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We're fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to

such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a

complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a

healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging

Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. You might want to look

into that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 05:25:14 AM: Quote
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

happy001

Well done baldy, you just need an avatart now.... whistle:

Inj fact, get an avatart or I'll make a temporary one for you... eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 10:36:40 AM: Too slow... eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 07, 2010, 05:36:33 PM: rubschin: rubschin:

Quote
After the last annual calculation of your fiscal activity, we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax rebate of 431.10 GBP
Please submit the attached Tax Rebate Form and allow us 5-7 days in order to process it.

Note : You will need to provide a valid credit/debit card where refunds will be made.
A refund can be delayed for some reasons, for example submitting invalid records or applying after deadline.

Best Regards,
HM Revenue & Customs

Almost the same as a certain loyalty bonus cited elsewhere ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 07, 2010, 05:39:20 PM: YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 06:22:11 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 07, 2010, 05:39:20 PM
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 07, 2010, 06:24:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 07, 2010, 06:22:11 PM
Quote from: Nick on October 07, 2010, 05:39:20 PM
YOu could club together and she could get both boobs done at the same time. like.

eeek:

eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 07, 2010, 06:48:27 PM: There are a number of tightrope walkers out today. Must be a convention rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 06:50:39 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 07, 2010, 06:48:27 PM
There are a number of tightrope walkers out today. Must be a convention rubschin:

happy001

Not me Miss... angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 07, 2010, 07:00:06 PM: No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 07, 2010, 07:02:22 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 07, 2010, 07:00:06 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard whistle:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on October 07, 2010, 08:16:35 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 07, 2010, 07:00:06 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard whistle:

Be nice Miss D, I think I upset BM earlier and we don't want him to feel too picked on lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2010, 04:35:11 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 07, 2010, 08:16:35 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 07, 2010, 07:00:06 PM
No ...the clowns couldn't spare you I heard whistle:

Be nice Miss D, I think I upset BM earlier and we don't want him to feel too picked on lol:

Mock if you wish... sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 10, 2010, 09:31:26 PM: "When I was a boy, mother would send me down to the corner shop with £3, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,

three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a large box of teabags, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 04:25:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 10, 2010, 09:31:26 PM
"When I was a boy, mother would send me down to the corner shop with £3, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,

three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a large box of teabags, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 06:07:18 AM: During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 06:25:49 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 11, 2010, 06:07:18 AM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Affs! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2010, 06:28:24 AM: Worse still, Nick posted it the last time too! (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6678.msg171990#msg171990) point:

So Nick, do you want a bed near the window? happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 06:29:15 AM: Angry9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 11, 2010, 02:37:03 PM: A Professor of Economics explains the TAX SYSTEM IN BEER. .

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that's what they decided to do.The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20." Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a100% saving).
The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).
Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 11, 2010, 03:06:34 PM: Most excellent!

rubschin:
So the beers are all on BM ~ Or they would be if he hadn't fled the country.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on October 11, 2010, 06:58:33 PM: Excellent. I have copied for future use (somewhere) Shrugs: (Didn't see a copyright attached)

It will prolly be in Snoopy's next parish magazine anyhoo... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2010, 07:02:02 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on October 11, 2010, 03:06:34 PM
Most excellent!

rubschin:
So the beers are all on BM ~ Or they would be if he hadn't fled the country.

He is a donkey head
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 12, 2010, 07:08:33 AM: Quote from: Pirate on October 11, 2010, 06:58:33 PM
Excellent. I have copied for future use (somewhere) Shrugs: (Didn't see a copyright attached)

It will prolly be in Snoopy's next parish magazine anyhoo... ;)

rubschin:

36 pages don't fill themselves you know
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 14, 2010, 07:45:05 PM: The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 16, 2010, 11:44:27 AM: > SCHOOL 1960 vs. 2010
>
>
>
> Scenario:
> Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
>
> 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
> friends.
>
> 2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault,
> both
> expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger
> management
> programmes for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying
> prevention programs . Mark accused of being a rascist
>
> Scenario :
> Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
>
> 1960 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Master.
> Returns
> to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
>
> 2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
> ADD
> .
> Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra
> funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
>
> Scenario :
> Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a
> whipping
> with his belt.
>
> 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
> and
> becomes a successful businessman.
>
> 2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
> care and
> joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
> be
> ing
> abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
>
>
> Scenario :
> Mark has a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
>
> 1960 - Mark gets glass of water from his teacher to take aspirin with.
>
> 2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. His
> house
> is searched for drugs and weapons.
>
>
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Bonfire Night, puts them in
> a
> model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.
>
> 1960 - Ants die.
>
> 2010- Police Force, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with
> domestic
> terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
> computers
> confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
> to fly again.
>
> Scenario :
> Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
> crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
>
> 1960 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
>
> 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
> faces 3
> years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 16, 2010, 11:46:24 AM: Where is The Affs when you need him?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2010, 12:31:40 PM: Here I am! (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5711.msg129865#msg129865) ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 16, 2010, 12:33:49 PM: happ096
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 22, 2010, 06:44:59 AM: A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 22, 2010, 06:48:29 AM: The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 22, 2010, 07:01:15 AM: Quote from: Baldy on October 22, 2010, 06:48:29 AM
The Pope took ill --unconscious -- he was taken to the nearest hospital.

Rushing him in he wakes up and asks --Oh am I in heaven ? no says the nurse were just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 22, 2010, 08:18:04 AM: lol: lol:

Those two are being forwarded
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 25, 2010, 09:12:31 AM: A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her

parents’ home.

I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail;
Lobster; Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “But my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 25, 2010, 06:05:10 PM: APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady... !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 26, 2010, 03:50:28 AM: whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2010, 12:01:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 26, 2010, 03:50:28 AM
whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again.... redface:

Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2010, 04:05:54 AM: Quote from: Baldy on October 27, 2010, 12:01:59 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 26, 2010, 03:50:28 AM
whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=927.0

PS It is worth clicking the link to see Degsy's avatart again.... redface:

Please accept my apologies, I have only been in here for half a pint so far!

You need to stop sucking down that scrumpy in Pafos every night then! ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2010, 05:05:15 AM: That is the only thing that keeps me going.

Give me another one please BM.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2010, 05:43:20 AM: Sure...

eastdrink048
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 27, 2010, 05:32:26 PM: A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the local shop. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office, you wanker"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 27, 2010, 05:50:23 PM: Got myself a new puppy today. He's mainly black and brown with a small white area, so i've called him Bradford.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 27, 2010, 06:28:37 PM: doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2010, 04:52:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 27, 2010, 05:32:26 PM
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the local shop. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office, you wanker"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2010, 04:53:06 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on October 27, 2010, 05:50:23 PM
Got myself a new puppy today. He's mainly black and brown with a small white area, so i've called him Bradford.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on October 31, 2010, 10:38:34 AM: Go to Google Maps

Get Directions

From: Japan
To: China

Then see instruction No. 43

whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2010, 10:47:52 AM: Quote from: Pastis on October 31, 2010, 10:38:34 AM
Go to Google Maps

Get Directions

From: Japan
To: China

Then see instruction No. 43

whistle: whistle: whistle:

Quote
Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
;D

I think it does the same thing if you try to get from the 'States to Europe...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2010, 11:42:07 AM: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 08, 2010, 11:50:21 AM: An oldie but goody! ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2010, 01:56:40 PM: DARWIN AWARDS 2010

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when The Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber, James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked !

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a near by bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an on coming train. When asked how he received the wounds he said he was trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID .. to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 08, 2010, 02:19:59 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 08, 2010, 06:19:57 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 08, 2010, 01:56:40 PM
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a near by bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

I particulalrly liked those two
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 11, 2010, 09:23:52 PM: .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo

Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday. ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 11, 2010, 09:32:52 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on November 11, 2010, 09:23:52 PM
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo

Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday. ;D

Was that on your site? Is that your handbag?... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 12, 2010, 05:52:35 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on November 11, 2010, 09:23:52 PM
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo

Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday. ;D

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 12, 2010, 08:18:39 AM: Quote from: Pirate on November 11, 2010, 09:32:52 PM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on November 11, 2010, 09:23:52 PM
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1dCcCdzeJo

Oh this had us laughing at work yesterday. ;D

Was that on your site? Is that your handbag?... eeek:

Was that your truncheon?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 12, 2010, 08:38:45 AM: A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2010, 06:57:05 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 12, 2010, 08:38:45 AM
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 14, 2010, 09:33:15 AM: A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after

And house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart,

But as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and

Moaning sounds. She rushed downstair found the dogs locked together,

In obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens

When they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,

She called the vet, although it was late. The vet answered in a very

Grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make

the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 14, 2010, 11:42:50 AM: AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2010, 11:46:43 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 15, 2010, 11:26:04 PM: Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........

The site foreman said "the last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2010, 06:09:57 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 15, 2010, 11:26:04 PM
Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........

The site foreman said "the last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"....

Oh dear... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 16, 2010, 01:09:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 15, 2010, 11:26:04 PM
Indian builder killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Richie........

Sounds more like a cowboy builder.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 17, 2010, 11:37:34 PM: Hello Mate. Just a quick one... I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40. Is that too dear?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on November 17, 2010, 11:40:52 PM: You wont hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.... I gotta lilo.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 18, 2010, 12:43:10 AM: An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2010, 07:33:40 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2010, 08:40:02 PM: I see that Kate Middleton is the first person to slip her finger into Dianas' ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 18, 2010, 08:44:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2010, 08:40:02 PM
I see that Kate Middleton is the first person to slip her finger into Dianas' ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

happy001 happy001

Oh apc...nonono: (that's what I usually get)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 05:21:30 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:13:07 AM: Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indegestion"

The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 07:13:56 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:13:07 AM
Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams knob I get acid indegestion"

The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:16:23 AM: Why are parking spaces like girls at parties?

If you get there late the best ones are taken, so when no one is looking you stick it in the disabled one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2010, 07:55:18 PM: Everyone seems to wondering why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas
No television
No nude women
No Football
No pork chops
No hotdogs
No burgers
No beer
No bacon
Rags for clothes
Towels for hats
Constant wailing from some wanker in a tower
More than one wife
More than one mother-in-law
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't wash off the smell of donkey
You wipe your arse with your hand
You cook over burning camel shit
Your wife is picked by someone else
Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"

No shit Sherlock! ..... It's not like it could get much fucking worse!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2010, 07:56:33 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 21, 2010, 07:35:24 PM: Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor..

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!......
...... However, may I ask for a small favour. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!....
..... Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein & Jesus... After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F_RnRejIPRpAY%2FSu-BYCq13pI%2FAAAAAAAALqs%2FQdb9MPREOX0%2Fs400%2FLord.bmp&hash=2a512bda312a8034ae940ea42457b081058f94d9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 21, 2010, 07:37:33 PM: NURSE!! THE VET!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2010, 07:38:32 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 22, 2010, 09:37:04 PM: I was at the cashpoint today and a little old lady said to me
"Please could you help me check my balance dear"
"Of course I can" I replied. so I pushed her over!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 05:18:51 AM: Quote from: Pirate on November 22, 2010, 09:37:04 PM
I was at the cashpoint today and a little old lady said to me
"Please could you help me check my balance dear"
"Of course I can" I replied. so I pushed her over!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 23, 2010, 01:16:01 PM: The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 01:17:30 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 23, 2010, 01:16:01 PM
The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 23, 2010, 04:53:17 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F16ruz6pms%2FTSA_Stickers_A.jpg&hash=168b388382c983e22125909620913154ae64ba3b) (http://postimage.org/image/16ruz6pms/)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F16s38vg3o%2FTSA_STickers_B.jpg&hash=773d8431d8c85c22dac77b5a65df4ae0bb19d6ab) (http://postimage.org/image/16s38vg3o/)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F16sjs8x1g%2FTSA_Stickers_C.jpg&hash=e7cf0ac96322d2768247e403cca2cdaedcd3c366) (http://postimage.org/image/16sjs8x1g/)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F16ta8ugxw%2FTSA_Stickers_D.jpg&hash=ecb2940d1869ffa4a919e104ae8a5d024aa08dc0) (http://postimage.org/image/16ta8ugxw/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2010, 04:55:19 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 23, 2010, 04:56:52 PM: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Smiles on the face of a frequent traveller whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 23, 2010, 10:13:06 PM: I have just come out the chip shop eating a pie, a tramp was sat on the floor outside and said "I've had nothing to eat for days".

I said "Bleddy Hell...I wish I had your willpower"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2010, 04:56:10 AM: Quote from: Pirate on November 23, 2010, 10:13:06 PM
I have just come out the chip shop eating a pie, a tramp was sat on the floor outside and said "I've had nothing to eat for days".

I said "Bleddy Hell...I wish I had your willpower"

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2010, 05:31:30 PM: I got a slap from a woman at my cookery class last night............

........I only asked if she'd like to try my pork in cider....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2010, 06:12:21 PM: doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2010, 01:21:10 PM: Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friend's. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friend's.

Eight of them had confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 27, 2010, 01:28:15 PM: So true razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2010, 01:37:20 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM: So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 29, 2010, 11:31:19 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 29, 2010, 11:56:02 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 29, 2010, 11:31:19 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her. whistle:

Pair of dogs ..............???????????????? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 30, 2010, 12:01:52 AM: Bitches
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 30, 2010, 06:09:06 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 29, 2010, 11:31:19 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her. whistle:

And the problem is? ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 30, 2010, 07:02:19 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 30, 2010, 06:09:06 AM
Quote from: Baldy on November 29, 2010, 11:31:19 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on November 27, 2010, 03:45:55 PM
So true indeed Mr Nick.

When my ex found out I'd slept with at least two of her friends she suggested "Get some bloody friends of your own!"
They could have not been very good friends of her. whistle:

And the problem is? ;)
They spilled the beans possibly. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2010, 01:14:29 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a8jGVXOMsw&feature=player_embedded

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 01, 2010, 04:29:26 PM: The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" "

No I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
“Why?” asks the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2010, 04:32:39 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 03, 2010, 10:10:39 AM: A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girl friend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a £20 pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped in a parcel with the following letter

**************************

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my Love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 03, 2010, 11:44:43 AM: Because of all the snow and ice the government are worried about kids playing on the roads..........

To scare them off they are they've bought out a new machine called the 'Gary Gritter'...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2010, 11:49:34 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 08:02:58 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2F2ail6h19g%2Fjews_1.jpg&hash=616fe6ad08091af64130a01528081943fbd63b78) (http://postimage.org/image/2ail6h19g/)

Maybe the woodpeckers weren't the best idea
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2F2airsmf8k%2Fwoodpecker.jpg&hash=8941f3d7f62f944d239b5f9f2dc91ef4eb4a183c) (http://postimage.org/image/2airsmf8k/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 09:24:52 PM: Guy meets a fat girl at a disco. He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat. He’s not too sure because she is a bit on the large side he but he thinks what the hell. Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business. He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.

She gets all uptight. ‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to screw me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.

‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2010, 09:28:17 PM: The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply., so they brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?”

“The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales .."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2010, 04:48:43 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 04, 2010, 08:34:05 AM: The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99.
I think I'll wait for the pirate copy....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2010, 08:40:38 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 04, 2010, 08:34:05 AM
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99.
I think I'll wait for the pirate copy....

drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 04, 2010, 08:48:25 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 04, 2010, 08:34:05 AM
The English couple held ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal, price £19.99.

Blimey ...that costs an arm and a leg
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 04, 2010, 12:31:09 PM: Wont be a patch on the real thing
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 04, 2010, 04:37:14 PM: Went to a fancy dress shop looking for a Dracula costume.

The shop assistant pointed across the road to the Spurs shop.

"No no no" I say " You misheard me, I want to dress like a COUNT!!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 05:44:11 PM: The correct Insurance Companies of sex....

Sex with your wife - Legal and General,

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust,

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability,

Sex with a prostitute - Commercal Union,

Sex on the phone - Direct Line,

Sex with your biographer - Quote me Happy,

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go,

Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life,

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Sex with someone different - Go Compare.com
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 05:47:58 PM: Quote me Happy ... tee hee lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 05:55:56 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:02:54 PM: lol: lol:

I am pleased to hear it has kept up with the times.

When I first heard it in the 60's it was just the first four. whistle:

May I also suggest:-

Sex with twins - Go Compare! ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 06:07:24 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:02:54 PM
lol: lol:

I am pleased to hear it has kept up with the times.

When I first heard it in the 60's it was just the first four. whistle:

May I also suggest:-

Sex with twins - Go Compare! ;)

drumroll:

Sec with Father Christmas - Santa dare... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 06:08:36 PM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:14:17 PM: Sex with your sister - Norwich Union
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 06:17:59 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 06:14:17 PM
Sex with your sister - Norwich Union

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 05, 2010, 06:26:08 PM: Weather man said the temperature is going to drop really low tonight and everyone should check on the elderly and senile....

are you all OK?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 05, 2010, 06:28:16 PM: Sex with a sheep

National Farmers Union
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 05, 2010, 06:36:45 PM: Group sex, Swingers Clubs etc

More Th>n
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:01:39 PM: Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 07:02:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:01:39 PM
Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays... redface:

or Churchill
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:03:49 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2010, 07:02:16 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:01:39 PM
Sex with a prostrate dog...

Bark lays... redface:

or Churchill

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2010, 07:05:22 PM: Sex with Any Cap's wife after her hysterectomy...

Flo-Op redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2010, 07:32:25 PM: I really should have made my new Facebook status, "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford automobile"

rather than, "I've just f**ked a 13 year old escort!"...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2010, 07:39:17 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 08, 2010, 09:34:29 AM: SANTA CLAUS:

1. Wears red...

2. Good at breaking into houses...

3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace...

4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle...

5. Only does one day's work a year...

Lapland my arse!

He is a fucking Black Scouser!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 08, 2010, 09:46:27 AM: One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are in the right place!

George Steel, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 08, 2010, 10:24:02 AM: I soooooooooo hope that is a true story lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2010, 10:32:20 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on December 08, 2010, 10:24:02 AM
I soooooooooo hope that is a true story lol:

I believe it is , was on "have I got news for you".........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 09, 2010, 12:09:30 PM: These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Literature.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal

"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2010, 12:23:25 PM: lol: lol: lol:

I loved this one: -

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2010, 08:01:19 AM: A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2010, 08:05:13 AM: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2010, 12:51:49 PM: And not a flat note between them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2010, 02:53:52 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

We'd be missing a few notes.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:17:12 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on December 13, 2010, 03:49:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:17:12 PM
Shrugs:

happy100 Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:51:04 PM: Quote from: Pastis on December 13, 2010, 03:49:34 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:17:12 PM
Shrugs:

happy100 Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know rubschin:

Lost on me... but then most things are... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 13, 2010, 06:49:45 PM: Quote from: Pastis on December 13, 2010, 03:49:34 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 13, 2010, 03:17:12 PM
Shrugs:

happy100 Might have been the Frankie Boyle joke, I don't know rubschin:

It wasn't the one Frankie Boyle told, but in a similar vein
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:00:15 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 whistle:

Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it... ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 14, 2010, 07:08:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:00:15 AM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 whistle:

It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:

Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it... ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:31:37 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 14, 2010, 07:08:48 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:00:15 AM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 whistle:

Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it... ;D
It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on December 14, 2010, 06:07:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:31:37 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 14, 2010, 07:08:48 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2010, 07:00:15 AM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on December 13, 2010, 11:27:56 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 11, 2010, 11:58:57 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5wNafq4v-E&has_verified=1)
eyes:

Perhaps the pub laydees could re enact this at the Christmas Party rubschin:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=8838.0 whistle:

Well done The Affs - I knew I'd seen it before but couldn't find it... ;D
It is not saved under favourites .. whistle:

noooo:

LL wouldnt let him... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 15, 2010, 02:48:03 PM: The ideal Christmas gift:

A Labrador puppy with a congenital heart defect.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2010, 02:52:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 15, 2010, 02:48:03 PM
The ideal Christmas gift:

A Labrador puppy with a congenital heart defect.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 15, 2010, 03:08:46 PM: sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 19, 2010, 08:41:27 AM: The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2010, 08:50:39 AM: Quote from: Baldy on December 19, 2010, 08:41:27 AM
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 19, 2010, 05:17:04 PM: Quote from: Baldy on December 19, 2010, 08:41:27 AM
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the bad weather.

Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour has loads of it piled up at her front door.
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2010, 08:00:02 AM: It is rumoured that Yoko Ono will be appearing in the next "I'm a celebrity get me out of here". She should have a goood chance of winning it, she's been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 21, 2010, 08:04:54 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 10:49:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2010, 08:00:02 AM
It is rumoured that Yoko Ono will be appearing in the next "I'm a celebrity get me out of here". She should have a goood chance of winning it, she's been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 08:56:26 PM: BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Everything that came out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird asked, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 21, 2010, 09:01:18 PM: or what it didn't...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:04:37 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 08:56:26 PM
BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Everything that came out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird asked, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

lol: lol: lol:

(C) Dave Allen, 1973... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM: And your point is? ........................ evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:53:40 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:

You have an old box? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 21, 2010, 11:35:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:53:40 PM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:

You have an old box? Shrugs:
Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:16:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:53:40 PM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:

You have an old box? Shrugs:

happy001

.... but it was 'Fresh from the Inbox'. smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 07:10:14 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:16:59 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2010, 09:53:40 PM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 21, 2010, 09:31:43 PM
And your point is? ........................ evil:

You have an old box? Shrugs:

happy001

.... but it was 'Fresh from the Inbox'. smile:

You should clean it out more often then... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 07:35:29 AM: Or get someone in redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 08:44:59 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 07:35:29 AM
Or get someone in redface:

Get a man in like? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 22, 2010, 08:58:52 AM: The missus suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit.

She was not too impressed, the ungrateful bitch......2 hours that scalextric took me to set up!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 22, 2010, 09:21:31 AM: Prolly too used to your 00 Gauge to be impressed by anything else. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 22, 2010, 11:36:52 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on December 22, 2010, 09:21:31 AM
Prolly too used to your 00 Gauge to be impressed by anything else. whistle:

"N" gauge I heard whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 22, 2010, 01:36:59 PM: I'm sick of the double standards in my relationship!

The wife comes home with a 'rampant rabbit' and she is a naughty fun girl with a special new toy.

But when I order a 240 volt 'fistmaster 5000' with a 'latex pussy and a realistic elasticated arsehole together with a spunk collection tray', then I am some kind of sick bastard!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 01:40:29 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 02:12:07 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2010, 08:44:59 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 07:35:29 AM
Or get someone in redface:

Get a man in like? rubschin:
Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2010, 08:44:59 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 07:35:29 AM
Or get someone in redface:

Get a man in like? rubschin:

Do either of you two wear long trousers yet? Or are you both too young, wait till Miss C arrives.. you're gonna be on the naughty step. cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 22, 2010, 02:13:30 PM: All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 02:14:29 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 22, 2010, 02:13:30 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this noooo:

[snigger] Oh.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:53:32 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2010, 02:14:29 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 22, 2010, 02:13:30 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this noooo:

[snigger] Oh.... redface:

Oh Barman. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2010, 06:58:11 PM: Just got home and all the windows and doors were open, everything gone!!

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2010, 06:59:28 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 22, 2010, 05:53:32 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2010, 02:14:29 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 22, 2010, 02:13:30 PM
All men get stuck at about 7 years old. We get bigger but our brains remain the same. Wimmin should learn this noooo:

[snigger] Oh.... redface:

Oh Barman. noooo:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2010, 06:45:07 PM: Not from the Inbox, but heard on the radio earlier when discussing the end of Day one in the cricket, "Can anybody tell me why so many Australians wents to the cricket in fancy dress dressed as empty plastic seats" [snigger]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 28, 2010, 12:42:27 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2010, 06:45:07 PM
Not from the Inbox, but heard on the radio earlier when discussing the end of Day one in the cricket, "Can anybody tell me why so many Australians wents to the cricket in fancy dress dressed as empty plastic seats" [snigger]
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 28, 2010, 09:54:33 AM: A true mystery from a firend::

The following tale was told to me by friends who we visited yesterday in a little village about 20 miles from Cambridge.

On Boxing Day, an elderly but still feisty female neighbour of theirs had been returning from her morning constitutional when she spotted a plastic bag on the footpath near her front gate. Thinking it was litter, she stooped to pick it up to put it in her bin, but then realised that it wasn’t empty. On inspection she discovered its contents to be:

· 6 cheese rolls

· 1 large dildo

Somewhat nonplussed by this find, she hurried indoors with the bag to think what to do about it. Over a restorative cup of tea, and after due consideration, she decided to put the – quite fresh – cheese rolls in her fridge, and to add the dildo to the pile of jumble that she’d just sorted to donate to the Salvation Army.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 29, 2010, 12:34:06 PM: It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman in the pub have read this entire text. The men are still looking at their thumb...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 05:49:46 AM: I have just had a letter back from Srewfix...

They said they regretted but had to inform me that they were not actually a dating agency!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2010, 07:40:11 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 30, 2010, 10:39:35 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 05:49:46 AM
I have just had a letter back from Srewfix...

They said they regretted but had to inform me that they were not actually a dating agency!

Nick was also unhappy with his purchase from Shrewfix.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 02:28:43 PM: ;D

Annoying innit (http://ajanlo.kapu.hu/video/post.php?id=965g9309223cd020a488)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 30, 2010, 02:52:36 PM: Very! I hate it when the sub titles are in foreign. evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2010, 03:06:12 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 02:28:43 PM
;D

Annoying innit (http://ajanlo.kapu.hu/video/post.php?id=965g9309223cd020a488)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 30, 2010, 05:42:26 PM: Must be one of your better sites JOM...no pop ups inviting me to a good fvck in Gloucester...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 05:44:15 PM: Quote from: Pirate on December 30, 2010, 05:42:26 PM
Must be one of your better sites JOM...no pop ups inviting me to a good fvck in Gloucester...

happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 05:53:49 PM: Do not go on youtube and look for "Russian Singer Eduard Khil Dub" cos 1.87 million have so far whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 05:58:38 PM: shutup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 06:00:36 PM: You did didn't you point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 09:17:00 PM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sorry is a bit early but I suffer from premature congratulation.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 30, 2010, 09:21:29 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2010, 09:49:27 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 09:17:00 PM
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sorry is a bit early but I suffer from premature congratulation.

So many threads are heading gutterwards these days noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2010, 10:19:36 PM: That's a good thing for some of us them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM: There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:

noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:05:23 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:

noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation... ::)

Bobby Davro just told that one on the telly. It will come as no surprise that Tipsy's delivery of it was far superior
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:06:02 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:05:23 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:

noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation... ::)

Bobby Davro just told that one on the telly. It will come as no surprise that Tipsy's delivery of it was far superior

Creep... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:14:34 AM: Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:16:12 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:14:34 AM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C redface:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 31, 2010, 12:27:07 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:14:34 AM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C redface:

You have to admit he has done well since his days in a wheelchair on Dr Who.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 12:31:03 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 31, 2010, 12:27:07 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2010, 08:14:34 AM
Yeah, he makes me feel that way too... O, I C redface:

You have to admit he has done well since his days in a wheelchair on Dr Who.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 04:58:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:

noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation... ::)

And you should shut up! evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 06:02:17 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 04:58:38 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 31, 2010, 07:33:06 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 30, 2010, 10:38:04 PM
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and 2 accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, and the other known only to the Police as Rich T. whistle:

noooo:

You should have stopped with premature congratulation... ::)

And you should shut up! evil:

Ooohhhhhhh...... Get you! Gayer:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 31, 2010, 08:07:23 PM: SHe seems a bit tetchy Maybe the eldest has finally come out, like. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2010, 08:11:01 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 31, 2010, 08:07:23 PM
SHe seems a bit tetchy Maybe the eldest has finally come out, like. ;)

I 'spec so... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 09:02:00 PM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 05:49:19 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on December 31, 2010, 09:02:00 PM
evil:

happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 09:35:38 AM: rubschin: You still drunk? Must be.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 09:38:21 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 09:35:38 AM
rubschin: You still drunk? Must be.

Oh noes... honest... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 12:31:23 PM: But you were being nice to me? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2011, 02:56:32 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2011, 12:31:23 PM
But you were being nice to me? rubschin:

Oh yes... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 06, 2011, 01:06:58 PM: BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........

I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2011, 01:13:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 06, 2011, 01:06:58 PM
BBC News: Police search for missing sock...........

I've got loads missing, but when I called the police to find them they told me to 'Fuck off!'.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 06, 2011, 01:15:27 PM: He doesn't need a policeman ~ he needs one of these to sniff out his lost socks
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgeekologie.com%2F2007%2F04%2Fmouse-mouse.jpg&hash=2189541a7f61228fb7c005dadc563e96a462b150)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 07, 2011, 07:57:26 AM: Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2011, 08:11:59 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 07, 2011, 07:57:26 AM
Police are looking for Joanna's murderer who stole one of her socks.....

Am I the only one thinking 'Heather Mills'?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 08, 2011, 11:16:08 AM: NEW TAX CODE!

The only thing that Revenue has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed. 10% of the time it is hard up. 20% of the time it is pissed off. 1% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts. HOWEVER, effective January 1st 2011, the penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10” – 12” Luxury tax € 300
8” – 10” Pole tax €250
5” – 8” Privilege tax €150
3” – 5” Nuisance tax €30
Males exceeding 12” must file capital gains. Anyone under 3” is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 08, 2011, 11:30:50 AM: Mr Thread? Have you met Mr Gutter? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 08, 2011, 11:42:56 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 10, 2011, 10:04:14 AM: Q.. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?

A.. A fisherman

Q.. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?

A.. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Ring Ring......

“Hello - Australian team dressing room”

“Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?”

“Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat...”

“It's OK - I'll hold....”

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?
A. A bat
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2011, 11:11:54 AM: lol: lol: lol:

Keep them coming!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2011, 07:19:30 PM: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 10, 2011, 07:55:31 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:

I must send that last one to my water supplier. lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 11, 2011, 05:52:58 AM: lol: lol: lol:

Especially: -

Quote
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on January 12, 2011, 09:22:57 AM: Being sexually unappealing and eating crap food will ensure Pandas fit right in, say Scots

After two Pandas were secured by Edinburgh Zoo, experts predicted that their lack of physical appeal to the opposite sex, appearing perpetually drunk, and a preference for food with little nutritional value will ensure they feel right at home in Scotland.

Tian Tian and Yangguang’s move to the zoo will be the culmination of five years of intense political and diplomatic negotiation, during which no-one from the UK appeared to realise that Pandas are essentially a rubbish animal.

Scottish tax payer Graham Lambert said, “They live in the green jungle yet evolved to be black and white, and spend their days sat on their arses eating tonnes of the least nutritious food available for miles. They’re absolutely rubbish, yet seemingly already Scottish.”

“I’m extremely annoyed that we’re going to spend all this money on Pandas to sit around all day eating shit food, looking drunk and not having sex. I regularly do that for free. I didn’t even realise funding was available.”

Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo
Zoologists insist the moved will be an important step in continuing a global breeding programmes designed to see Pandas thrive for generations to come.

“If we can get Pandas on to a healthy diet of food that is actually good for them, then maybe we can get Scottish people to do the same. That’s the dream.”

Experienced consumer Patrick Colthart said the reason for the Pandas ongoing struggle to survive was very straight forward.

“I’ll tell you why they’re dying out, it’s because Pandas taste like shite.”

“Let’s be clear about it, if Pandas were delicious you wouldn’t be able to move for all the Panda farms all over the place.”

“It’s no surprise that another useless black and white animal, the cow, thrives in our country. It’s because they’re incredibly appetising.”

“I’m not saying that the production and consumption of that first Panda burger won’t be without its challenges – I imagine it will annoy quite a few people – but if they turn out to be delicious it will secure their ongoing survival for a thousand years.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2011, 09:29:37 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 06:40:43 PM: It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 06:52:44 PM: A few more Aussie ones

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

Whets the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: You lads can bat.
Just as quick, Ponting replied: No, we cant. We really cant.

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX?
Because they cant spell beer.

Why cant Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: I didn't know it was still necessary.

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2011, 07:27:42 PM: I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2011, 07:30:11 PM: Dear God,
My resolution for 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

Please don't get the two mixed up like you did last year.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2011, 07:36:22 PM: Quote from: Baldy on January 13, 2011, 07:27:42 PM
I was working late in the Carphone Warehouse last night when i received this text message from my girlfriend:

Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonewhenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative

As I eagerly rushed home I couldn't help but wonder...what does ternative mean?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2011, 08:45:35 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 14, 2011, 07:29:59 PM: I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.

Do you think I should change my dentist?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 15, 2011, 09:51:16 AM: Wife helping husband set up computer.

For the password, hubby types MYPENIS -

wife fell off chair laughing when pc replied

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 15, 2011, 10:38:27 AM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2011, 10:50:30 AM: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 15, 2011, 09:18:13 PM: Two Irish hunters from Dublin hired a pilot to fly them to England to hunt Deer. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three Deer.

The two Paddys objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six Deer and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Pat asked Shaun, "Any idea where we are?"

Shaun replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2011, 06:05:48 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 16, 2011, 11:49:23 AM: Got a d.v.d. From my mate , called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on, it was a tyre safety video !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2011, 11:53:37 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on January 16, 2011, 11:49:23 AM
Got a d.v.d. From my mate , called Bald and barely legal, What a disappointment, when i put it on, it was a tyre safety video !!

Same thing happened to me read a report on Schinndler's list that said "get the tissues ready" had my trousers down and ..................................

(well except the shower scene )...nothing redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2011, 01:24:48 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 17, 2011, 06:37:07 AM: On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?".

"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 17, 2011, 06:37:53 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2011, 08:33:56 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 17, 2011, 08:51:11 PM: A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma.Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"
The man produced another letter.
This one said:"This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".
The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read:

"This man plays Cricket for Australia , please don't take the piss out of him"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2011, 06:46:21 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 18, 2011, 09:28:33 AM: Santa was winding down after a hectic December and said to the chief elf

"I'm fed up. Every year I put on this stupid red and white outfit, do all the work and end up with nothing!"

The elf replies

"Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 07:59:44 PM: One moment before death

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Ff061r1r8%2Fboat_naming.jpg&hash=f96659b6bd801375a461ec3fa0f46f3b198acea7) (http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 18, 2011, 08:52:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 07:59:44 PM
One moment before death

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Ff061r1r8%2Fboat_naming.jpg&hash=f96659b6bd801375a461ec3fa0f46f3b198acea7) (http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/)

I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 09:47:38 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on January 18, 2011, 08:52:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 07:59:44 PM
One moment before death

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Ff061r1r8%2Fboat_naming.jpg&hash=f96659b6bd801375a461ec3fa0f46f3b198acea7) (http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/)

I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.

We have (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5664.0) and you started it, but we'll leave that dusty old 'un and use your fresh 'un
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2011, 07:18:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 09:47:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on January 18, 2011, 08:52:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2011, 07:59:44 PM
One moment before death

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Ff061r1r8%2Fboat_naming.jpg&hash=f96659b6bd801375a461ec3fa0f46f3b198acea7) (http://postimage.org/image/f061r1r8/)

I think we need a new thread for this one .... "And that is when the fight started" would be a reasonable title I feel.

We may have done this before (in fact I'm sure we have) but it is a rich seam to be mined.

We have (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=5664.0) and you started it, but we'll leave that dusty old 'un and use your fresh 'un

The Affs! worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 19, 2011, 11:09:53 AM: Word of advice ...............DO NOT shout in Tesco...............

I'd kill for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto pizza right now!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 19, 2011, 01:03:53 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 19, 2011, 11:09:53 AM
Word of advice ...............DO NOT shout in Tesco...............

I'd kill for a mozzarella, tomato and pesto pizza right now!
noooo:

Put a sock in it APC.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 19, 2011, 08:04:44 PM: Apparantly, Gary Glitter wants to be the new Aston Villa manager, after he heard that their front line will be Young, Bent and possibly Keane
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2011, 09:41:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 19, 2011, 08:04:44 PM
Apparantly, Gary Glitter wants to be the new Aston Villa manager, after he heard that their front line will be Young, Bent and possibly Keane

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 20, 2011, 08:13:24 PM: .
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2n3k5uwxw%2Fcaveman.jpg&hash=91a27515493e9f945a0887fc587188afc6393633) (http://postimage.org/image/2n3k5uwxw/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 20, 2011, 08:21:59 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 20, 2011, 08:13:24 PM
.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2F2n3k5uwxw%2Fcaveman.jpg&hash=91a27515493e9f945a0887fc587188afc6393633) (http://postimage.org/image/2n3k5uwxw/)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-laughing021.gif&hash=f202bb8836995b287979239c87bc4b3020f9be68) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 21, 2011, 07:24:34 AM: noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2011, 07:47:33 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on January 21, 2011, 07:24:34 AM
noooo: noooo: noooo:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2011, 08:49:09 PM: The teacher gave her year five class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes miss. My daddy told me a story about my mummy. She was a RAF pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2011, 08:55:15 PM: ;D ;D ;D

You have the greatest box JOM! redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on January 21, 2011, 08:56:28 PM: 2gayers:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2011, 07:22:06 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 22, 2011, 09:27:31 PM: Interesting job (http://www.cwjobs.co.uk/JobSearch/JobDetails.aspx?JobId=49584616)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 22, 2011, 09:38:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 22, 2011, 09:27:31 PM
Interesting job (http://www.cwjobs.co.uk/JobSearch/JobDetails.aspx?JobId=49584616)

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 22, 2011, 09:46:49 PM: The latest batch...

A woman had been on the game for years and finally settled down to get married . She was worried about the size of her 'bits' , so decided she would tell her new husband that she had caught it while cllimbing over a fence .
While making love with her new husband on their wedding night she thought evertyhing was going well until he asked ...
......Darling . How far across the field did you get before you realised you were snagged on the fence ?

The dog ran off tonight . I walked around the park looking for him for 20 minutes then gave up and went home without him . The missus said I should go out looking harder ...So I shaved my head and got a tattoo . Still couldn't find the dog though .

Whats all this about women been able to multi-task ? I just told the wife to sit down and shut up . Can she manage it ? Can she f**k.

I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .

Thought for the day . Who picks up guide-dog poo ?

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?
Iron Man is a superhero . Iron Woman is simply an instruction .

Investigations underway by the RSPCA after 11 donkeys from Liverpool were slaughtered in Blackpool.

What's the difference between Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish ? Fook all by the looks of it .

I braked hard but still hit the car in front . A cute little blonde got out of the car i'd hit and said ' Ram me up the arris why don't ya ' . And that your honour is where the confusion began .

Bloke walks into the VP and orders two double vodkas . Barman asks if he has a bad day .
Bloke says 'Yeah . Just found out my younger brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for four double vodkas .
Barman enquires what's gone wrong this time .
Bloke says 'Just found out my elder brother is gay' .
Next day he is back in and asks for six double vodkas .
Barman says ' FKinell . Does anyone in your family like women?' .
To which the bloke replies ' Yes . My wife does' .

Bloke has an accident with a shotgun and gets a severe groin injury . After surgery the doctor tells him that although they have managed to salvage his penis there are still some problems with it ,and that he is going to refer him to his sister .
Bloke asks ' Is she a plastic surgeon ? ' .
Doc replies ' No . She plays the flute . She can teach you where to place your fingers so you can pi55 out of what's left' .

Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'

A girl calls her mother and says "Mum, I'm getting a divorce".
"Why?" the mother asks, shocked.
"Mum, all he ever wants is anal sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece".
The mother says "Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a Porsche, a platinum credit card, a villa in Marbella, kids in private school and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?"

A Scouser went on Dragon's Den the other night and showed them his Dad's old shotgun and Gamekeeper's bag.
Peter Jones said "and what's your idea?"
He replied "It's a simple concept, Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2011, 06:59:35 AM: Quote
I bought a memory stick for the wife . She hasn't forgotten my beer or meals since the first beating I gave her with it .

Quote
Was telling my mates down the pub that old joke about 'what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath ?...Throw your washing in with him' . A bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said ' That's not f*****g funny . My brother was epileptic and died in the bath '. I said ' Oh ! I am so sorry . Did he drown ?' He replied 'No . He choked on a sock.'

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2011, 10:14:26 PM: A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2011, 06:25:46 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2011, 10:14:26 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2011, 10:10:35 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2011, 10:14:26 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2011, 11:07:45 PM: A sign in a shop window said

"We would rather serve 500 muslims than 1 British soldier"

Who said undertakers don't have a sense of humour?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 27, 2011, 07:16:09 AM: It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2011, 07:16:34 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 27, 2011, 07:16:09 AM
It's hard being a decorator in this politically correct world.

I can no longer say "black paint"

I now have to say "Please paint that wall, Leroy"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 29, 2011, 06:39:41 PM: My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine. But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee. Unfortunately, Lorraine died. At her funeral he stood up and sang. 'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 29, 2011, 07:25:34 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 30, 2011, 08:44:59 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 29, 2011, 06:39:41 PM
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine. But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee. Unfortunately, Lorraine died. At her funeral he stood up and sang. 'I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone .....'

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2011, 09:14:01 AM: The Affs says: - noooo:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg145981#msg145981
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 30, 2011, 09:48:41 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 30, 2011, 09:14:01 AM
The Affs says: - noooo:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg145981#msg145981

worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 01:04:26 PM: Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 01, 2011, 03:33:24 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2011, 01:04:26 PM
Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

Ahem. http://www.grumpieroldmen.co.uk/forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=18564&p=326026&hilit=jamboree#p326026

(After all, that's where the Affs started...)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM: I never go there noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 03:45:25 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM
I never go there noooo:

I'm not allowed there... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 01, 2011, 03:46:29 PM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 04:02:39 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2011, 04:10:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 01, 2011, 03:45:25 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM
I never go there noooo:

I'm not allowed there... noooo:

I have forgotten where it is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 04:12:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2011, 04:10:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 01, 2011, 03:45:25 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2011, 03:41:35 PM
I never go there noooo:

I'm not allowed there... noooo:

I have forgotten where it is.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2011, 05:13:16 PM: Where what is? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 05:18:58 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2011, 05:13:16 PM
Where what is? rubschin:

I forget... Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 06:08:01 PM: A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

A 3-year-old girl examined her vagina while taking a bath.
'Mum', she asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'What’s that?' she replied.

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2011, 06:12:50 PM: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 03, 2011, 11:41:09 PM: A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one, I'll take a copy."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 04, 2011, 07:30:56 AM: Groanio.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 04, 2011, 12:32:52 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 03, 2011, 11:41:09 PM
A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one, I'll take a copy."

Another half-cocked funny from the JOM inbox.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:37:14 AM: I've just booked the table for Valentines night

TBH, I don't even know if she can play snooker
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:42:01 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimage.shutterstock.com%2Fdisplay_pic_with_logo%2F76445%2F76445%2C1211954382%2C15%2Fstock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg&hash=fa3c0067724e1b5350389f6bb1bd352a10b08d31)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 06:42:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:37:14 AM
I've just booked the table for Valentines night

TBH, I don't even know if she can play snooker

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:49:50 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:42:01 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimage.shutterstock.com%2Fdisplay_pic_with_logo%2F76445%2F76445%2C1211954382%2C15%2Fstock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg&hash=fa3c0067724e1b5350389f6bb1bd352a10b08d31)

Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:53:41 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:49:50 AM
Quote from: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:42:01 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimage.shutterstock.com%2Fdisplay_pic_with_logo%2F76445%2F76445%2C1211954382%2C15%2Fstock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg&hash=fa3c0067724e1b5350389f6bb1bd352a10b08d31)

Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink redface:

And screw back for the brown?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 07:00:33 AM: BOYS! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 07:10:29 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:53:41 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 06:49:50 AM
Quote from: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 06:42:01 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimage.shutterstock.com%2Fdisplay_pic_with_logo%2F76445%2F76445%2C1211954382%2C15%2Fstock-photo-young-girl-in-short-skirt-playing-snooker-13114405.jpg&hash=fa3c0067724e1b5350389f6bb1bd352a10b08d31)

Decisions, decisions, I'll take the pink redface:

And screw back for the brown?

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2011, 07:11:20 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 07, 2011, 07:00:33 AM
BOYS! eeek:

Just cos we beat you to it point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 07:48:54 AM: Surely you have to pot the brown first...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 07:56:12 AM: You play by your roolz & we'll play by ours razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2011, 08:01:37 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2011, 08:06:40 AM: A few of you will definitely need the rest to help your performance whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 07, 2011, 08:09:49 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on February 07, 2011, 08:06:40 AM
A few of you will definitely need the rest to help your performance whistle:

The long one I think whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2011, 03:23:01 PM: Quote
THIS MONTH'S

HALF PRICE

SPECIAL OFFER

SMALL AND EXTRA SMALL

INDOOR AND OUTDOOR CAR COVERS

25% OFF
THE USUAL PRICE

Yup - that means an extra small outdoor for only £26.25 + vat

of an Extra Small Indoor for only £16.50

ONLY IF ORDERED VIA TELEPHONE WITH
THE CODE BELOW

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 08, 2011, 03:25:33 PM: Covered or not LL will still notice it in the living room. ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2011, 03:38:56 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on February 08, 2011, 03:25:33 PM
Covered or not LL will still notice it in the living room. ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 08, 2011, 10:36:23 PM: The Winter Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception

class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't

want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the

wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots

back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why

didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his

little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's

boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the

boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2011, 10:55:17 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2011, 05:13:42 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 09, 2011, 08:17:47 PM: The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'. ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 09, 2011, 08:18:41 PM: Mr Thread? Meet Mr Bottom of the Barrel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 09, 2011, 08:24:27 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on February 09, 2011, 08:17:47 PM
The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'. ;D

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2011, 05:12:43 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on February 09, 2011, 08:17:47 PM
The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it 'toot-n-kalm-doon'. ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2011, 06:32:52 PM: Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2011, 06:39:13 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 17, 2011, 06:40:23 AM: I went to my extremely attractive female doctor yesterday. She said, “you have to stop masturbating”
I said, “why”
She said, “because I’m trying to examine you”

I was walking through the cemetery yesterday and some bloke was crouching behind one of the gravestones
I said, “ morning”
He said, “no, just having a shit”

I was walking down the road the other day and saw my mate Abdul standing on his fifth floor balcony shaking a rug. I shouted up, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 19, 2011, 11:20:52 AM: The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ................"The moral of the story... three things in life are certain ...................

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 19, 2011, 11:23:15 AM: A mother had 3 virgin daughters..

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, And the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said:

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum Fainted !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 19, 2011, 11:27:46 AM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRAsz0seU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRAsz0seU)
razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 19, 2011, 05:56:34 PM: Chaos reigned this morning at the End of the World Shopping Centre in Cornwall when a customer at Fishy Feet, the centre’s fish doctor spa, lost both feet in a tragic nibbling accident.
Dorothy Jones, 66, was rushed to hospital after an employee filled a tank with piranha instead of the usual garra rufa. ‘I thought I was doing everyone a favour’, said Denise Jenkins, 16, of Truro. ‘I reckoned if I put the piranhas in then the customers would get their feet done right quick, like. Our customers are busy people. They don’t have time to sit and relax for ten minutes. I thought two minutes would be enough’, she added.

Mrs Jones, said, ‘I didn’t realise there was a problem until I lifted my feet out of the tank and they stayed there. I don’t blame the assistant. She thought she was helping. It’s really nice to see a young person showing some initiative these days.’

The manager of Fishy Feet declined to comment on the incident, although he did admit that Miss Jenkins had lost three fingers and her ‘World’s Greatest Mam’ bracelet whilst trying to retrieve the feet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 19, 2011, 11:54:53 PM: [Serious] We were at Sea World in Florida (mainly to see Clyde and Seamore take Pirate Island, the mime artist is superb)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi55.tinypic.com%2F10570ja.jpg&hash=91322379da793c48f3c2eb8e5203f9a893cedfb3)

and we were at Dolphin Cove taking photographs when this bastard

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi55.tinypic.com%2F14nlqhy.jpg&hash=6f718a27b980272d0d89f694b9ddfb6f5e55f3f6)

popped up and tried to take a silver chain off my wrist with its teeth. The chain must have flashed in the sun and he thought it was a fish or summfink...nearly had me freaking hand off, much to the amusement of those all around [Serious over]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 20, 2011, 03:28:01 PM: A bulletin from my mate with the pet elephant!

Hi,

Well today I've been to the Leela Hotel, it's the only real 5* hotel around and on Sundays it lets the plebs in, if you buy Sunday Brunch. Well I do because it's the only place in Kerala that has 3 kinds of lettuce, actually it's the only place in Kerala that has any lettuce. If you order a Green Salad here you get Carrot, Cucumber and Tomatoes, you will notice, (if you're sharp) that there is nothing green in any of that. (My Mother would be so surprised, and so pleased, lettuce, green.) You also get use of their pool, which is the best around, so I use it every Sunday.

So today I'm in the bar, (by accident you understand), and this bloke starts talking to me about the cricket, which is on the TV. Well as you probably know my knowledge of cricket is 'limited' to say the least, however, having spent far too much time in India of late, I do know India is the best. And so I can handle this conversation, because he is clearly a foreigner. (foreigner: ie: someone who knows less about cricket than you do. The Tebbit definition.) It turns out that his name is Sach(a) (Russian) and lives or has lived in Chicago for 20 years. He thinks Chicago is the best city in the world. We talk about cities, we are both city people. New York, London, Paris, Rome, we get on. Then I lose it, Moscow, Beirut, Islamabad, I'm out of my depth. We talk world politics. corruption, east / west, the fall of the Berlin wall, we discuss the present situation in the middle east, the fanatical future for the world, he is not without opinions. he shows me his passport, (Russian I think) 6 years old and stuffed with visas and entry/exit permits. I ask him what he does for a living, (I've all ready heard about his trips to Siberia and beyond).

'Arms'. That's it. So, suddenly it's not about cricket, it's another area that I know very little about. Our conversation about world politics suddenly comes into focus. Who the fuck am I talking to, I'm talking to Goldfinger! ( Actually he's better looking than that, but he probably would be, wouldn't he?) Maybe he's not 'Goldfinger" but one of those around the table, (one of which suddenly gets tipped back from their seats into a pit of Vipers). Any way, this is some heavy dude.

Then the conversation changes, (well it would wouldn't it). He knows I know Kerala, and he wants to know is there a night life here, where he can have 'good, clean, adult fun around here, he describes "Heaven" the Moscow nightclub which we all know from those films, it sounds great, but not available here. Sadly I disillusion him. Kovalam closes at 11pm.

We stare deep into each others eyes, I know that if the chair doesn't tip me back into a pit of vipers I'm OK, he knows that as long as l don't reach for my Walther PPK, he is safe. We smile, a sardonic smile and part.

Another Sunday at the Leela another day in Kovalam.

Love you all,

Tony XXXXXX
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 22, 2011, 03:10:39 PM: Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!

Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2011, 03:13:01 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on February 22, 2011, 03:10:39 PM
Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!

Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2011, 06:01:33 PM: A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied..
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 23, 2011, 08:29:40 PM: When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 24, 2011, 05:50:37 AM: 4/10 must try harder... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 25, 2011, 02:54:58 PM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/02/07/asbos-to-be-replaced-by-town-square-naughty-steps/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/02/07/asbos-to-be-replaced-by-town-square-naughty-steps/)
spider:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 27, 2011, 08:21:44 PM: Oooh, you bitch ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bc7eRTdWY
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2011, 10:28:26 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NacppJ_vWQg

as seen on that sunday night show ... ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 28, 2011, 12:17:49 AM: Priceless...I like Brian Blessed...from the moment he was in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHTdDeh50kI
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2011, 08:29:12 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2011, 08:21:44 PM
Oooh, you bitch ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bc7eRTdWY

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 28, 2011, 08:32:12 AM: I just wish the camera had stayed on him as the look on his face would have been priceless! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on March 01, 2011, 10:11:06 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.telegraph.co.uk%2Fmultimedia%2Farchive%2F01837%2Fmatt01032011_1837364a.jpg&hash=fcf950607354ffec2242bd9b8145737c541a2821)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 04, 2011, 11:12:23 AM: ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed Franceâ€™s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 04, 2011, 11:53:43 AM: You might care to add the Welsh into this.

The Welsh have moved from blaming the English to singing awful hymns.
Should this not work they will escalate their alert to "Sheep and Children First"
The final option will be to declare that yesterday's referendum means they can take their ball and skulk off home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 10:29:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001

Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:12:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 10:29:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001

Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....

Coffee? eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 01:13:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:12:11 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 10:29:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001

Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....

Coffee? eeek:

It had a wee tad of VSOP in it ......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:15:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 01:13:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 07, 2011, 01:12:11 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2011, 10:29:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2011, 07:20:32 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vqUdC-8nFY

happy001

Just spat my coffee out ............brilliant ....

Coffee? eeek:

It had a wee tad of VSOP in it ......... redface:

Good man! ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 07, 2011, 11:30:49 PM: I was in the pub with the missus and i said 'I love you '
She asked if it was me or the beer talking .
You should have seen her face when I told her I was talking to my beer .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 06:10:24 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 07, 2011, 11:30:49 PM
I was in the pub with the missus and i said 'I love you '
She asked if it was me or the beer talking .
You should have seen her face when I told her I was talking to my beer .

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 08:33:32 AM: INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0...

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate!!!

DEAR DESPERATE!!!,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0!!!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly... You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 08:37:05 AM: Made me larf first time round too. confused:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 08:39:04 AM: Thats the trouble with being younger, you think its the first time round. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 08:44:12 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 08:39:04 AM
Thats the trouble with being younger, you think its the first time round. whistle:

We only have your word for that ..... You have carefully omitted your D.O.B. from your profile whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 12:15:21 PM: http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=4565.0

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 08, 2011, 01:32:25 PM: I ~~didn't have the time~~ couldn't be arsed to search for it redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 08, 2011, 01:38:20 PM: I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 06:22:16 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 08, 2011, 01:38:20 PM
I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube noooo:

Thats not what my Dad told me, he said I came from the lane just outside the village. Where he used to liberate a cabbage for tea on his way home off nights. lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 08, 2011, 06:23:28 PM: She IS nuts noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2011, 07:39:35 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on March 08, 2011, 06:22:16 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 08, 2011, 01:38:20 PM
I doubt Tipsy has a DoB. I suspect she came out of a test tube noooo:

Thats not what my Dad told me, he said I came from the lane just outside the village. Where he used to liberate a cabbage for tea on his way home off nights. lol:

Euphemism #2,945 sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 08, 2011, 08:49:25 PM: Cabbage head rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2011, 09:37:46 PM: I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 09, 2011, 09:41:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 09, 2011, 09:37:46 PM
I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

Who sent that? BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 09, 2011, 11:38:46 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 09, 2011, 09:37:46 PM
I spent 3 hours last Sunday at my Wife's graveside.

Silly bitch thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2011, 06:14:00 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 02:49:13 PM: An environmentalist came into my shop today and bought a few bits and bobs. "Would you like a bag for those?" I asked as I began scanning his items.

"Only if they degrade." He replied............

So I took a black marker pen and wrote on it "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy wanker."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2011, 03:10:04 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 04:44:20 PM: A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo .

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament aren`t you", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog you prick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 09:30:05 PM: Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...

...Unless you are in prison .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2011, 09:34:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 09:30:05 PM
Surprise sex is one of the best ways to be woken up ...

...Unless you are in prison .

Miss D's thread .............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 10, 2011, 09:35:56 PM: lol:

There are no coincidences whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 10:16:32 PM: Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .

Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2011, 05:29:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 10, 2011, 10:16:32 PM
Give a scouser a fish and he will eat for a day . Give him a fishing rod , and he will stick it through your letter box and pinch your car keys .

Just had some awful news . My new Thai bride has testicular cancer .

lol: lol: lol:

Mr. Tea? Meet Mr. keyboard!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 11, 2011, 07:29:45 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 11, 2011, 08:24:52 AM: Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2011, 08:34:58 AM: Man teases ex-wife's new husband

"How's the second hand pussy?" he enquires

"It's great thanks " says the new husband, "after the first two inches it's brand new ! "
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2011, 08:39:49 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2011, 08:33:05 PM: Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a £20,000 fine......

No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2011, 05:41:17 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 11, 2011, 08:33:05 PM
Channel 4 News: The government has made the penalty for ticket-touting at the London Olympics, a £20,000 fine......

No problem. If the police approach you whilst you're selling, set fire to them and say they were poppies.....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 12, 2011, 06:53:29 PM: A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk up to the bar. The rabbi asked for a Martini, the priest requested a beer, and the duck said, "I'll have a Scotch and soda". The bartender stared in amazement at the talking duck and asked, "What happened to the penguin?
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 13, 2011, 01:51:03 AM: I don't get it...didn't the penguin request a beer..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2011, 05:37:34 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 12, 2011, 06:53:29 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk up to the bar. The rabbi asked for a Martini, the priest requested a beer, and the duck said, "I'll have a Scotch and soda". The bartender stared in amazement at the talking duck and asked, "What happened to the penguin?
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 13, 2011, 06:58:18 AM: Quote from: Pirate on March 13, 2011, 01:51:03 AM
I don't get it...didn't the penguin request a beer..

I kept re-reading it last night to work out the punch-line, I'm still confused:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:01:30 AM: It's an invisible joke noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 13, 2011, 07:02:53 AM: It made me smile ~ dunno why. Maybe spending too much time in this Nickesque world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:07:15 AM: You and Miss C have both been lost to the Nickesque world I fear noooo:

The southern resistance are still holding out cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 13, 2011, 07:18:57 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on March 13, 2011, 07:07:15 AM
You and Miss C have both been lost to the Nickesque world I fear noooo:

The southern resistance are still holding out cloud9:

Did you say that only once?

Good moaning
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 13, 2011, 07:23:42 AM: zis is Night'awk, are you receiving me ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 13, 2011, 10:02:36 AM: http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2006/02/who-was-worse-blair-or-hitler.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2006/02/who-was-worse-blair-or-hitler.html).
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 13, 2011, 12:15:18 PM: Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2011, 12:24:28 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on March 13, 2011, 12:15:18 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 13, 2011, 12:35:04 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on March 13, 2011, 12:15:18 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 13, 2011, 08:49:48 PM: http://funnydrunkguy.info/ (http://funnydrunkguy.info/) noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 13, 2011, 08:56:34 PM: Drunk...or quite ill? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 14, 2011, 01:10:08 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on March 13, 2011, 12:15:18 PM
Ten Catholic priests are killed in an accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says "Ok, If any of you are paedophiles, go to Hell. Nine of them start walking away. St Peter says "Hey, take the deaf cunt with you".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 14, 2011, 10:07:08 AM: Miss C posted this on Faceache the other day

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/05/perfect-example-of-fiona-bruce-valued-at-antiques-roadshow/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/05/perfect-example-of-fiona-bruce-valued-at-antiques-roadshow/)

I sent it to a mate who works on the Antiques Roadshow whow has FORWARDED it to Fiona Bruce scared2: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 14, 2011, 11:33:19 AM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 14, 2011, 11:34:11 AM: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on March 14, 2011, 11:45:50 AM: I'll come and visit you in The Tower. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 15, 2011, 12:35:09 PM: The producer of TV drama Midsomer Murders has been suspended after claiming part of the show's appeal was an absence of any ethnic minorities........

It's supposed to be a "who done it?", if they included a black guy, it would make it too easy........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2011, 01:10:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 15, 2011, 12:35:09 PM
The producer of TV drama Midsomer Murders has been suspended after claiming part of the show's appeal was an absence of any ethnic minorities........

It's supposed to be a "who done it?", if they included a black guy, it would make it too easy........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2011, 09:43:14 PM: I have often wondered what makes Japanese people tick........

Geiger counters......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2011, 10:27:43 PM: A yellow person slumped over the control panels in a destroyed nuclear power plant.........

No you racist bastards it's an episode of The Simpsons..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2011, 07:21:52 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 18, 2011, 10:53:58 AM: Wetsuit for sale on ebay: (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160559216667)

I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle.

You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a second hand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some fresh dance moves". They probably won't say this.

Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there's waves.

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.

p.s. The Q &A after is worth a read as well.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2011, 03:23:18 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 18, 2011, 10:53:58 AM
Wetsuit for sale on ebay: (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160559216667)

I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle.

You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a second hand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some fresh dance moves". They probably won't say this.

Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there's waves.

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.

p.s. The Q &A after is worth a read as well.

Excellent! ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 18, 2011, 03:41:16 PM: BBC: Finland says it will move the operations of its embassy in Tokyo to Hiroshima as "a precaution" amid the ongoing crisis at the nuclear power plant in Fukushima, Kyodo news agency reports.........

Sometimes this shit just writes itself............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 19, 2011, 08:32:31 AM: I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking round town yesterday with a catflap on his head.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 19, 2011, 09:16:26 AM: whistle: http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg267959#msg267959 Reply 1101 ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2011, 04:00:27 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on March 19, 2011, 08:32:31 AM
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking round town yesterday with a catflap on his head.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 19, 2011, 04:34:19 PM: Latest news flash! Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal....

before Gaddafi could even get a word in.....................................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 20, 2011, 05:16:13 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 19, 2011, 04:34:19 PM
Latest news flash! Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal....

before Gaddafi could even get a word in.....................................

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 08:50:40 PM: Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 24, 2011, 08:53:40 PM: But the wire was there...until the gypos had nicked it already...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 09:29:09 PM: S'rite. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 24, 2011, 09:31:36 PM: Can you train the VP formation cycling team?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 24, 2011, 10:09:47 PM: No, can you? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 24, 2011, 10:12:56 PM: Of course. Maybe you know someone who can help design tasteful Lycra uniforms whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM: "tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 07:23:27 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flirtlingerie.com.au%2Fstore%2Fimages%2F80036.jpg&hash=1dc3d65de7e6712cbf49e9a08a4a1c7d66d98dcf)

eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 25, 2011, 08:18:29 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 25, 2011, 07:23:27 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flirtlingerie.com.au%2Fstore%2Fimages%2F80036.jpg&hash=1dc3d65de7e6712cbf49e9a08a4a1c7d66d98dcf)

eyes:

Wow...Good Morning...Ding Dong

Its how I imagine Miss D in the mornings
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 25, 2011, 08:32:13 AM: How far from reality noooo:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwwwdelivery.superstock.com%2FWI%2F223%2F1647%2FPreviewComp%2FSuperStock_1647R-35744.jpg&hash=965bde0c1698ecb97672121c64c25ad40288e980)

But on "special occasions"

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F_fxqV6zgSY3M%2FTPYwKtUYc2I%2FAAAAAAAACco%2Fzxe9aqEMX1c%2Fs320%2Fbettie%252Bpage.jpeg&hash=2ae01dab97ad35cd5cd6458767ca3fff44a79941)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 25, 2011, 09:15:42 AM: Quote from: Pirate on March 25, 2011, 08:18:29 AM

Wow...Good Morning...Ding Dong

Its how I imagine Miss D in the mornings

That Stilton really does play havoc with your brain cells doesn't it noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 10:33:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 25, 2011, 07:23:27 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flirtlingerie.com.au%2Fstore%2Fimages%2F80036.jpg&hash=1dc3d65de7e6712cbf49e9a08a4a1c7d66d98dcf)

eyes:

Don't bother BM she appears to be setting up for "I've got a headache" excuse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 10:55:47 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 10:33:14 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 25, 2011, 07:23:27 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 25, 2011, 06:50:14 AM
"tasteful Lycra"

Surely a contradiction in terms.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flirtlingerie.com.au%2Fstore%2Fimages%2F80036.jpg&hash=1dc3d65de7e6712cbf49e9a08a4a1c7d66d98dcf)

eyes:

Don't bother BM she appears to be setting up for "I've got a headache" excuse.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 25, 2011, 01:24:07 PM: On the census form....there was a question that asked if I had any dependents..........

Apparently, 'Millions of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, Single Mums, Romanians, Loafers, Smack Heads, and Non-British speaking people' Wasn't the right answer...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2011, 01:49:13 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 27, 2011, 11:23:55 AM: A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cunt in that book."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2011, 03:39:07 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 27, 2011, 11:23:08 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2011, 01:52:59 PM: Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?".

The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2011, 01:53:51 PM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2011, 01:56:46 PM: The Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Not many people know that..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2011, 02:01:59 PM: The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death. ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2011, 02:02:57 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2011, 02:01:59 PM
The grim reaper came for me last night but i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Feck me, talk about Dyson with death. ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2011, 02:05:01 PM: There was a break-in at the Dublin circus hall of mirrors recently.

So far, Irish police have arrested 15 midgets, a 7ft anorexic woman and Rowan Atkinson.

_________________________

A woman goes into a record shop and says "do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?
The young lad in the shop says "no but i've got Dangly Balls on a 9 inch"
The woman says "that's not a record is it?"
Lad says "Its not bad for a 16 year old"

_________________________

I bought the Mother-in-law a pair of crutchless knickers for Christmas.
Nothing sexual, just gives her better grip on the broomstick!

_________________________

I went to a charity darts match last night, Heather Mills v Jake The Peg.
Heather lost by three legs to one.

________________________

A bloke gets arrested for beating up his wife. The judge asks him "why do you keep beating her?" The bloke responds "I think its down to my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."

____________________________

Guy meets a fat girl at a disco.
He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat.
He’s not too sure ‘cause she is a bit on the large side but he thinks what the hell.
Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business.
He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.
She gets all uptight.

‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to sleep with me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.
‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse’

__________________________________

Just got a Jehovahs Witness advent calendar. Every door I open someone tells me to f off!

___________________________________

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

____________________________________

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?

....one more,

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2011, 02:06:33 PM: surrender:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2011, 03:19:44 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 28, 2011, 04:13:02 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:04:15 PM: I Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed

Best Regards,

Charlie Sheen
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2011, 10:24:46 PM: Had the same problem .......bald and barely legal .............

road traffic warning video...... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:27:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 31, 2011, 10:24:46 PM
Had the same problem .......bald and barely legal .............

road traffic warning video...... eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2011, 10:29:36 PM: Saying that, got schlinders list because Barry Norman said get the tissues ready ...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 31, 2011, 10:35:27 PM: Did you get embarassed about the tissues when you got it wrong about the BBC showing 'Walking with Dinosaurs'? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 02, 2011, 01:21:08 PM: .
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2F33b2rnj1g%2Fblond_tracks.jpg&hash=a9fc3a7c716b2300b8c42cc19785659097ad0462) (http://postimage.org/image/33b2rnj1g/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 03:19:38 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 02, 2011, 01:21:08 PM
.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2F33b2rnj1g%2Fblond_tracks.jpg&hash=a9fc3a7c716b2300b8c42cc19785659097ad0462) (http://postimage.org/image/33b2rnj1g/)

happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Mr keyboard - meet Mr. Carlsberg....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 02, 2011, 03:20:13 PM: Already rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 03:21:55 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on April 02, 2011, 03:20:13 PM
Already rubschin:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 02, 2011, 04:15:00 PM: Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:21:43 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on April 02, 2011, 04:15:00 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench. noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 04:23:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:21:43 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on April 02, 2011, 04:15:00 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench. noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)

lol: lol: lol:

Carlsberg and Keo are the only beers widely available here... anything else is 'spensive... 'cept the Lidl stuff....

I might start brewing me own again.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 02, 2011, 04:24:45 PM: It's been ages since you had a new project to work on whistle:

How is the weather station ? whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 04:25:24 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on April 02, 2011, 04:24:45 PM
It's been ages since you had a new project to work on whistle:

How is the weather station ? whistle: whistle: whistle:

Stupid girl! evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:26:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 02, 2011, 04:23:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:21:43 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on April 02, 2011, 04:15:00 PM
Carlsberg!!!!!!

That's only one step from Meths mixed with sherry and sleeping on a park bench. noooo:

Better than the Lidl stuff ............Carlsberg is posh..... 8)

lol: lol: lol:

Carlsberg and Keo are the only beers widely available here... anything else is 'spensive... 'cept the Lidl stuff....

I might start brewing me own again.... rubschin:

Poplife shops 24 x 50ml tins between 10 to 14 euros ........ cloud9:...4.8 % hic redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:26:57 PM: The cheapos here drink Leon ..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2011, 06:29:57 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 02, 2011, 04:26:57 PM
The cheapos here drink Leon ..........

A beer of wrongness.... sick2:

That beer bendy was quite nice... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 04, 2011, 07:27:50 PM: A scouser goes for a job at sea . The Captain asks him if he has any experience away at sea . The scouser says no , but he is hard-working and honest . The Captain takes him on reluctantly , and away they sail .

Three days out to sea and the scouser is cleaning the deck . A huge wave crashes over the vessel and the scouser is swept overboard . The first mate runs to the captain and says 'Captain . That scouser . He just fked off with your mop .'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 04, 2011, 07:39:49 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 04, 2011, 07:27:50 PM
A scouser goes for a job at sea . The Captain asks him if he has any experience away at sea . The scouser says no , but he is hard-working and honest . The Captain takes him on reluctantly , and away they sail .

Three days out to sea and the scouser is cleaning the deck . A huge wave crashes over the vessel and the scouser is swept overboard . The first mate runs to the captain and says 'Captain . That scouser . He just fked off with your mop .'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2011, 06:38:36 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 10:10:37 AM: A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2011, 10:14:44 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 10:10:37 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2011, 12:53:14 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 10:10:37 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'

Scouse kid had the same problem .......

The store attendant says " Whats your Mum like?"

The boy replies "bacardi breezers and cock "........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2011, 03:30:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 13, 2011, 12:53:14 PM
Quote from: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 10:10:37 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'

The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'

Scouse kid had the same problem .......

The store attendant says " Whats your Mum like?"

The boy replies "bacardi breezers and cock "........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 05:15:45 PM: BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim
extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat
because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on April 13, 2011, 08:50:07 PM: Did you get the gear tho
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 14, 2011, 04:58:36 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 13, 2011, 05:15:45 PM
BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim
extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat
because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 12:48:06 PM: http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/07/ielts.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/07/ielts.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2011, 12:50:27 PM: shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 17, 2011, 04:18:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 17, 2011, 12:50:27 PM
shrugs:
shrugs:
shrugs:
shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2011, 04:20:35 PM: Keith Richard's english level whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 04:23:07 PM: It made I larf
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 17, 2011, 05:27:40 PM: Why? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 05:41:15 PM: http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/running-away-from-dogs-fun-way-to.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/running-away-from-dogs-fun-way-to.html) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2011, 05:42:49 PM: I fear Nick has a new obsession noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2011, 05:45:47 PM: http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/like-trouser-yet-not-trouser-just-had.html (http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/2004/04/like-trouser-yet-not-trouser-just-had.html) rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 17, 2011, 05:49:21 PM: I just read some of the comments after the article. I'm less clear about it now than I was before whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 17, 2011, 10:51:07 PM: A German, a Chinese, an African, an Englishman, and an American were approached by a researcher who asked:
"Excuse me, can you give me your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

This confused tham all.
The African didn't understand what she meant by 'food'
The Englishman didn't understand what she meant by 'shortage'
The Chinese didn't understand what she meant by 'your opinion'
The American didn't understand what she meant by 'the rest of the world'

and the German didn't understand what she meant by 'excuse me'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2011, 05:39:18 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2011, 12:33:14 PM: So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........

how cool is that for someone her age..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2011, 01:17:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2011, 12:33:14 PM
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........

how cool is that for someone her age..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 19, 2011, 02:47:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2011, 12:33:14 PM
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl on line. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop,........

how cool is that for someone her age..........

Paedophile is a very big word for her .....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 19, 2011, 05:57:23 PM: My mate got sent to prison last month, I send him a letter each week. So far I've sent him P A E D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2011, 06:34:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 19, 2011, 05:57:23 PM
My mate got sent to prison last month, I send him a letter each week. So far I've sent him P A E D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 19, 2011, 10:30:23 PM: Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that
provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would
climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't
believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our
direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red
head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a
ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach
and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken
island for months now without a woman.
It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ..
well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 20, 2011, 06:42:40 PM: Elephants and memory

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against
the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

This is for everyone
who sends me those
heart-warming
bullshit stories...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2011, 09:56:12 PM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2011, 10:55:13 PM: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence.........?

Divorced.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2011, 08:52:49 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 20, 2011, 06:42:40 PM
Elephants and memory

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against
the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

This is for everyone
who sends me those
heart-warming
bullshit stories...

The Affs! lol:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=3411.0
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 22, 2011, 04:16:25 PM: After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2011, 06:07:32 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 22, 2011, 04:16:25 PM
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 22, 2011, 10:49:31 PM: My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 23, 2011, 05:08:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 22, 2011, 10:49:31 PM
My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 23, 2011, 08:49:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 22, 2011, 10:49:31 PM
My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 24, 2011, 10:30:49 AM: A little late in coming but it made I larf

Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 24, 2011, 11:04:14 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 24, 2011, 10:30:49 AM
A little late in coming but it made I larf

Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2011, 02:31:54 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 26, 2011, 05:17:19 PM: OK I'll try again.

They've sent my census form back!!

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote,
'Asylum seekers, Travelling folk, smack heads, unemployable lazy sods, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of bloody Eastern Europe!'

Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 26, 2011, 06:01:37 PM: Probably because it's already been used. sleep017
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2011, 09:28:24 AM: Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

Cameron thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 03:24:19 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 07:11:25 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4nPwztC-eU&NR=1

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2011, 07:13:23 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N1sjdLQIj8&NR=1

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2011, 07:13:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 27, 2011, 07:13:23 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N1sjdLQIj8&NR=1

happy001

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 28, 2011, 02:16:36 PM: BBC News: Countdown for the Royal Wedding........

Cool. I'll take a consonant, a vowel, a consonant, another consonant, a vowel, and two more consonants.

FUCK OFF .........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2011, 03:17:42 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 01, 2011, 07:46:17 AM: My friend came round last week to tell me he had been to the clinic to have some tests.

"What was the diagnosis" I asked. "It's the big C" he replied.

"Not cancer!" said I. "No" said he, "dyslexia".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2011, 02:58:51 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 01, 2011, 07:46:17 AM
My friend came round last week to tell me he had been to the clinic to have some tests.

"What was the diagnosis" I asked. "It's the big C" he replied.

"Not cancer!" said I. "No" said he, "dyslexia".

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2011, 12:15:27 PM: I applied to that "cash in the attic" programme ..

Bastards sold all the beams and my loft insulation ......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2011, 12:17:56 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 02, 2011, 03:57:38 PM: A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bollockss to that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 02, 2011, 04:13:12 PM: I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2011, 04:20:36 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Mr. Keyboard - meet Mr. Collapso!

Top Man! happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 02, 2011, 07:43:25 PM: A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 02, 2011, 08:06:33 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 02, 2011, 07:43:25 PM
A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2011, 03:35:54 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 02, 2011, 07:43:25 PM
A royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing, Osama bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they thought, fuck it , we will do this one.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 10:37:11 AM: Bob meets his mate while out for a walk with his jack russell, his mate says fancy a drink he say you can't take dogs in that pub, his mate says tell him its a guide dog.

So they go into the pub and the barman says no dogs only guide dogs.

Bob says this is a guide dog,

Barman says guide dogs are labradors or alsations

Bob says what sort have they give me ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 05, 2011, 12:10:08 PM: Photo of Bin Laden's body

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fxz5t5n9g%2Fbin_l.jpg&hash=37d5f4d1bf9e345234a819f5c71205997f286f41) (http://postimage.org/image/xz5t5n9g/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2011, 02:05:04 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 05, 2011, 12:10:08 PM
Photo of Bin Laden's body

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fxz5t5n9g%2Fbin_l.jpg&hash=37d5f4d1bf9e345234a819f5c71205997f286f41) (http://postimage.org/image/xz5t5n9g/)

"He has given us a sign"

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tcmuk.tv%2Fimages%2Fblog%2FBRIAN_BLOG.jpg&hash=22ebf0a0dd1168c15f6808ac5e9f433962b3d778)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2011, 03:21:29 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 10:37:11 AM
Bob meets his mate while out for a walk with his jack russell, his mate says fancy a drink he say you can't take dogs in that pub, his mate says tell him its a guide dog.

So they go into the pub and the barman says no dogs only guide dogs.

Bob says this is a guide dog,

Barman says guide dogs are labradors or alsations

Bob says what sort have they give me ?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 07:53:22 PM: "I recently invented a new drink, for the V.P.

It's 2 shots followed by a large splash of water.

I call it the Bin Laden. "
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2011, 09:07:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2011, 07:53:22 PM
"I recently invented a new drink, for the V.P.

It's 2 shots followed by a large splash of water.

I call it the Bin Laden. "

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2011, 04:16:27 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 08, 2011, 09:38:31 PM: I hate being bipolar, i think it's fantastic...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 09, 2011, 12:07:40 AM: Quote from: Pirate on May 08, 2011, 09:38:31 PM
I hate being bipolar, i think it's fantastic...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:19:12 PM: http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2011, 07:27:35 PM: Quote from: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:19:12 PM
http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html

lol: lol: lol: lol:

Excellent!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:28:23 PM: Nicked from Cyprus Dying
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 10, 2011, 08:28:38 PM: Quote from: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:19:12 PM
http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html

Wot Barman said happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2011, 08:39:01 PM: Very good. That took some rehearsing
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 08:46:28 PM: No...Barman has said excellent before...he knows it off by heart now...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2011, 08:49:33 PM: Quote from: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 08:46:28 PM
No...Barman has said excellent before...he knows it off by heart now...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 11, 2011, 05:56:06 AM: That has to be the best yet. I am weeping with laughter.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 11, 2011, 06:39:39 AM: http://www.snotr.com/video/6831 (http://www.snotr.com/video/6831)
razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 08:39:10 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 11, 2011, 06:39:39 AM
http://www.snotr.com/video/6831 (http://www.snotr.com/video/6831)
razz:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 11, 2011, 12:50:51 PM: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524)

noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2011, 12:52:36 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 11, 2011, 12:50:51 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524)

noooo: noooo: noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 11, 2011, 12:59:22 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 11, 2011, 12:50:51 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13346524)

noooo: noooo: noooo:

Good for him and the staff lol:

Best not let the THW see it though ..... enough problems at her school as it is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 02:56:07 PM: Jock gayer child nonce!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2011, 03:38:05 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 02:56:07 PM
Jock gayer child nonce!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 11, 2011, 05:55:33 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 11, 2011, 02:56:07 PM
Jock gayer child nonce!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 11, 2011, 09:17:56 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 11, 2011, 06:39:39 AM
http://www.snotr.com/video/6831 (http://www.snotr.com/video/6831)
razz:

One of our lads was out doing some site investigations today and found a dozen plants, all freshly watered this morning
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 12, 2011, 04:19:29 PM: Quote from: Pirate on May 10, 2011, 07:19:12 PM
http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html

Excellent. lol: Shared on FB.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 12, 2011, 05:52:58 PM: A fat bird stands up on a table in a bar and shouts " If you can guess my weight you can shag me senseless " .

A guy , quietly enjoying a drink with his mates shouts back, " About 93 stone ya fat , ugly heifer !!!"

"That's close enough ya lucky bastard" she replies
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2011, 08:03:01 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 12, 2011, 05:52:58 PM
A fat bird stands up on a table in a bar and shouts " If you can guess my weight yu can shag me senseless " .

A guy , quietly enjoying a drink with his mates shouts back, " About 93 stone ya fat , ugly heifer !!!"

"That's close enough ya lucky bastard" she replies

Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 12, 2011, 07:15:39 AM
I feel like a s***

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 12, 2011, 08:06:44 PM: lol:

nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2011, 08:31:26 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on May 12, 2011, 08:06:44 PM
lol:

nonono:

redface: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 13, 2011, 07:31:33 PM: Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 13, 2011, 07:45:17 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 13, 2011, 07:56:16 PM: Sevy Ballesteros was laid to rest on top of his father in the family grave............he ended up 1 over pa !!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 13, 2011, 07:57:48 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2011, 05:18:47 AM: Quote from: Miss Creant on May 13, 2011, 07:56:16 PM
Sevy Ballesteros was laid to rest on top of his father in the family grave............he ended up 1 over pa !!!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 14, 2011, 01:23:51 PM: .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p64FvyOBj4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p64FvyOBj4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 14, 2011, 01:28:45 PM: whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 14, 2011, 01:47:54 PM: Nothing like some C&W otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to" lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 14, 2011, 05:06:22 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on May 14, 2011, 01:47:54 PM
Nothing like some C&W otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to" lol:

here (http://youtube/t4ilEIypWbo)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on May 16, 2011, 04:51:02 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on May 14, 2011, 01:47:54 PM
Nothing like some C&W otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to" lol:

Quite so. Comprises mainly of lost love, dead love, dawgs and trains if you can get all four into the composition so much the better. noooo: Dreadful stuff IMO.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:20:20 PM: Quote from: Miss Creant on May 16, 2011, 04:51:02 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on May 14, 2011, 01:47:54 PM
Nothing like some C&W otherwise known as "Music to Hang Yourself to" lol:

Quite so. Comprises mainly of lost love, dead love, dawgs and trains if you can get all four into the composition so much the better. noooo: Dreadful stuff IMO.

Ackchooly I quite like some C&W redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 06:30:45 PM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06MfMaxp8RU

sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 16, 2011, 06:47:36 PM: I like both types..Country and Western...

.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-FZZ7ye7h8
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM: C & W = shite.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music". razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:04:54 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music". razz:

I'd rather kick shit.... lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:14:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:04:54 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music". razz:

I'd rather kick shit.... lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff.... noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:18:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:14:17 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:04:54 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music". razz:

I'd rather kick shit.... lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff.... noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 07:39:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:18:28 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:14:17 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:04:54 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on May 16, 2011, 06:58:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2011, 06:52:04 PM
C & W = shite.

Not for nothing do our cousins across the pond call it "Shit Kickin' Music". razz:

I'd rather kick shit.... lol:

One of my suppliers in Denver took me out one night... to a C & W thing - wot a nightmare - all dressed up as cowboys and line dancing and stuff.... noooo:

Jeans and a belt....... rubschin:

doh:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:56:21 PM: Ryanair have charged Jennifer Mills-Westley's family £65 in excess baggage fees to bring her remains back to the UK.

I suppose that's what you get for not booking ahead.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:57:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 07:56:21 PM
Ryanair have charged Jennifer Mills-Westley's family £65 in excess baggage fees to bring her remains back to the UK.

I suppose that's what you get for not booking ahead.............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 07:58:46 PM: I thought her name was Edna Moore. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2011, 07:59:50 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 07:58:46 PM
I thought her name was Edna Moore. whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:11:35 PM: Getting Home Safe

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving: Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 08:14:32 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:11:35 PM
Getting Home Safe

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving: Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

Is that a true story ......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:17:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 16, 2011, 08:14:32 PM
Quote from: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:11:35 PM
Getting Home Safe

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving: Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

Is that a true story ......... rubschin:

No just a bit of info I thought you might find helpfull. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2011, 06:48:11 AM: Quote from: Baldy on May 16, 2011, 08:11:35 PM
Getting Home Safe

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving: Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

drumroll:

I want to die in my sleep like my dad...

...not screaming in fear like the passengers on his bus...

etc.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 17, 2011, 05:34:25 PM: The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2011, 06:19:37 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 17, 2011, 05:34:25 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

lol: lol: lol:

He didn't give her the vacuum cleaner did he...? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 18, 2011, 02:01:18 AM: Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 18, 2011, 06:25:09 AM: Quote from: Baldy on May 18, 2011, 02:01:18 AM
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 21, 2011, 12:33:27 PM: The difference between men & women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2011, 12:42:36 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 21, 2011, 12:33:27 PM
The difference between men & women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzW-4cDktB4)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 09:26:20 AM: A woman gets pulled over for speeding;

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:29:23 AM: A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2011, 10:30:42 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:30:59 AM: Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%&^ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!

THE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 22, 2011, 10:35:24 AM: A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is 'Celebrate.' Celebrate!'" says the old monk.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 22, 2011, 10:41:44 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F1enlcqxic%2F46006561_51dd_4ed6_8d4a_374e8e6c33bd.jpg&hash=fbbdb81ed641e530a9fa6f0b2b2c33d94c8d6690) (http://postimage.org/image/1enlcqxic/).
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2011, 03:02:22 PM: Play him off keyboard cat... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 22, 2011, 04:00:40 PM: Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!

super injunction ...... point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2011, 04:19:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 22, 2011, 04:00:40 PM
Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with an unnamed Premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester!!

super injunction ...... point:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 23, 2011, 09:16:09 AM: One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 23, 2011, 09:17:08 AM: happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 23, 2011, 09:42:07 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 23, 2011, 09:16:09 AM
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 23, 2011, 11:44:35 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 23, 2011, 09:16:09 AM
One for Nick:

e.e.cummings started a magazine. it failed because it was under-capitalised.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 23, 2011, 03:31:13 PM: A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 23, 2011, 03:43:27 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on May 23, 2011, 03:31:13 PM
A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch and suck her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.
"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.
"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 24, 2011, 10:03:14 AM: If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?Why, Why, Why. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes,why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE........The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 24, 2011, 11:34:37 AM: That last bit reminds me that everyone has a fat friend. If you haven't got a fat friend then you're the fat friend.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 24, 2011, 11:37:44 AM: rubschin:

sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 24, 2011, 11:53:18 AM: Why is TMR's profound wisdom in the Comedy Room?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 24, 2011, 02:46:58 PM: I love this doctor

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft2.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcT3Rs2L7qHUR85HQXPmd209Wms0e1LbvY8R56emetKvQaMeXOeq1DP_FQ&hash=4051ac6b29d5d41b1ddb6f0da0cf22428a933d9e)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 25, 2011, 09:58:14 AM: BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to £725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 10:01:13 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on May 25, 2011, 09:58:14 AM
BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have been released, with the coveted men's 100m final costing up to £725.

Fuck that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks run like fuck I'll just drive through Hackney with a piece of fried chicken on a string.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 11:06:37 AM: Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 11:22:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 11:06:37 AM
Sticking with the racism ........

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM: I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 01:37:08 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2011, 01:39:52 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 25, 2011, 01:57:32 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

I'd expect the glamour model with massive tits would be the one doing the gagging. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2011, 01:58:16 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on May 25, 2011, 01:57:32 PM
Quote from: Baldy on May 25, 2011, 01:32:42 PM
I wish to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits.....you can tell anybody you fucking like!!!

I'd expect the glamour model with massive tits would be the one doing the gagging. whistle:

drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 25, 2011, 04:43:24 PM: Mr Thread? I see Mr Gutter is just arriving.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 26, 2011, 11:24:34 AM: Sent to me by a Scottish friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shCCmYbZQ8s
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 01:13:18 PM: I never click on anything that claims to be hilarious... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 26, 2011, 02:09:24 PM: Very funny, though tailed off a bit at the end.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM: "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:54:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo... noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:55:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:54:14 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo... noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on May 26, 2011, 04:27:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:55:38 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:54:14 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo... noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......

scared2:

Be afraid....be very afraid eveilgrin: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 26, 2011, 04:33:52 PM: Welcome back eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:40:23 PM: Quote from: miss chevious on May 26, 2011, 04:27:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:55:38 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:54:14 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2011, 02:52:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2011, 02:30:13 PM
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."........

You don't have a Mondeo... noooo:

Nor a 49 year old girlfriend ,,,,,,,,,,,it was a joke ......... cussing:

And yes I did get it ..........you will be in trouble......

scared2:

Be afraid....be very afraid eveilgrin: eveilgrin:

You don't know where I live like! (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-taunt002.gif&hash=3c2a677fe7e2451c34601d56532b371eebe32ea6) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on May 26, 2011, 04:54:10 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F35zniufyc%2FB_gravel_pile.jpg&hash=6fc4aa5d524258d9a198773edfddbc910205ccb6) (http://postimage.org/image/35zniufyc/)

You live behind here dont you?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on May 26, 2011, 04:55:48 PM: Or here.....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F3600r57wk%2F04_washingmachine.jpg&hash=4e8f8849f14763e556a69d3af195809b33bb6808) (http://postimage.org/image/3600r57wk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:57:20 PM: Quote from: miss chevious on May 26, 2011, 04:54:10 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F35zniufyc%2FB_gravel_pile.jpg&hash=6fc4aa5d524258d9a198773edfddbc910205ccb6) (http://postimage.org/image/35zniufyc/)

You live behind here dont you?

noooo: under it...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2011, 04:58:01 PM: Quote from: miss chevious on May 26, 2011, 04:55:48 PM
Or here.....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimage.org%2F3600r57wk%2F04_washingmachine.jpg&hash=4e8f8849f14763e556a69d3af195809b33bb6808) (http://postimage.org/image/3600r57wk/)

Feck off! cussing:

The washer is fine! evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on May 26, 2011, 05:15:31 PM: now now, temper temper nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on May 26, 2011, 05:28:38 PM: Business is booming for Irish divorce lawyers as wives take heed of Britain's Foreign Office advice whistle:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13559972
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 26, 2011, 05:37:29 PM: Wahey!! drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 11:47:33 AM: A Socialist, a Liberal, a Green and a Conservative walk into a bar.

“What can I get you to drink?” asks the barman.

The socialist demands to know why the bar is charging the same prices to all of its customers. “Some are wealthier than others,” he points out. “There should be a graduated price list so that those who can afford to pay more for their drinks do so and those who are poorer can still enjoy a full range of beverages at a subsidised price.”
“How would I know who was poor and who was wealthy?” The barman asks.
“The government would need to control bank accounts,” the Socialist says, warming to his role. “Then it would know everyone’s income and outgoings and could give each person a rating which would coincide with their ability to pay. Traders would ask for a government-provided ID card which would include such details as yearly income and would enable you to apply the correct prices.”
“People would just forge the cards, or borrow them from other people,” the Barman, who has some life experience, points out.
“The cards would be biometric and very difficult to forge. And the penalties for forgery would be severe. After all, those people would essentially be stealing from the poorest in society.”
“It sounds expensive to me. All that bureaucracy and red tape and legislation. And what if only poor people came to my bar? I’d be forced to give them all cheap drinks and I’d go bankrupt.”
“The bars which catered to the poor would be subsidised by the extra money made in the bars which catered to the rich,” the Socialist smiles.
“Who would organise that? And would I get my subsidy in time to pay my bills?”
“The State could appoint an independent panel which would consider such things and another body to manage the subsidy payments. You could apply for them in advance based on your expected turnover and your previous year’s records and any irregularity would be offset in the next tax period. It would be called ‘bar credits’.”
“I don’t really want to get involved in your social justice crusades. I’m just running a business here. Can’t I just do that?”
“You are an evil capitalist pig,” says the socialist venomously. “Give me a pint of bitter, please.”
“That’s £3.50,” the Barman tells him.
“Could you put it on my tab?” The Socialist suggests. “I don’t carry cash…”

The Liberal looks quite concerned and she says: “I notice that your bar seems to primarily cater only to middle-aged white men. Where are all the women? Why are there no other races represented? I cannot see a single disabled person!”
“I don’t control who comes in,” the Barman points out. “I just open up and they start to arrive.”
“But you have not created an environment conducive to multiculturalism.”
“What do you mean?” asks the barman, bemused.
“Well take that flag you have on the wall behind the bar…”
“The Cross Of St. George?”
“Yes. That just cries out ‘racist’. Couldn’t you have a different flag there?”
“But that’s the English flag. This is England.”
“This is also Europe. You could have the EU Flag up there!”
“Only if I want to get lynched after closing time,” the Barman mutters under his breath.
“What?” The Liberal demands.
“Nothing. Nothing,” the Barman placates her.
“Your menu here,” she continues. “Sausages and Mash. Beef & Ale Pie!” These choices are hostile to multiple religions!”
“There’s a Ploughman’s lunch!” the Barman says plaintively. “That’s just cheese, bread and some pickles.”
“Hey!” The Socialist points his stubby finger angrily, “Are you suggesting ploughmen can’t eat the same as everybody else? Workers have to be relegated to the vegetarian option?”
“Look,” The Barman sighs. “Do you want a drink or not?”
“Tap water with ice please,” the Liberal says. “I’d have wine, but I’m vice-chairing a social engagement committee on Friday and I wouldn’t want my decision-making to be impaired.”
“But today is Tuesday?” the Barman points out.

“The problem with beer,” says the Green. “Is that it’s brewed with hops which are fuel-intensive when farmed. When making menu choices we must consider the global climate repercussions.”
“What a load of pompous claptrap,” the Barman mutters.
“What?” the Green demands.
“I said, what a clever and erudite observation. So what would you like, then?”
“Do you have anything organic?”
“Orange juice?” the Barman suggests.
“Is it fair trade?”
The Barman frowns. “I’ve offered it. If you pay for it, then its fair.”
“No! Does it have the fair trade brand which shows that those who produced it have earned a fair wage for their labour?”
“You sound just like that Socialist guy,” the Barman observes.
“No, no. We’re quite different,” the Green demands quickly.
“What about apple juice then?” the Barman says. “It’s Fair Trade – because it was grown in the next village and locally squeezed.”
“But pesticides were used, I’m sure,” the Green frowns dangerously.
“I have no idea,” the Barman says. “I can’t taste any pesticides in it.”
“Let me taste!” the Green demands. The barman pours him a small sample.
“Yes!” the Green’s eyes twinkle as he sips, revealing barely controlled but oh-so-gentle fury. “Chlorpyrifos, Mancozeb and a touch of Azinphos-methyl! I knew it.”
“Okay. If you say so,” the Barman sighs. “So, let me make a guess. Tap water?”
“Tap water?” the Green shrieks. “With all the chemicals and additives that are pumped into that? I don’t think so.”
“Well, I have a rain barrel out back,” the Barman laughs. “Want me to draw you a pint from that baby?”
The Green looks eager.
“But … but … I was joking…”

The Conservative approaches and the barman rounds on him angrily.
“And what do YOU want? Fair trade, equal rights, working class, union-sanctioned, multicultural, state-controlled, climate-friendly, organic, subsidised, multi-ethnic, gender-neutral something or other?”
“I’ll have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please. And get one for yourself. You look like you need it.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2011, 11:56:47 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 27, 2011, 07:41:51 PM: Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

" Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 07:43:14 PM: Affs cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 27, 2011, 07:48:40 PM: Alzheimer's! eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 27, 2011, 07:49:46 PM: happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 08:20:33 AM: http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html (http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 08:33:18 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 08:20:33 AM
http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html (http://www.cracked.com/article_18839_7-planes-perfectly-designed-to-kill-people-flying-them.html)
lol:

eeek: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 29, 2011, 10:09:10 AM: On a cold, wintery Sunday, after church, a stranger goes up to the minister and says, "I must confess, I came to your church to steal a hat. But when I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Oh, you mean the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal'?" the minister replied.

"No," the man said, "When you got to the one about adultery... I remembered where I left my hat."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 10:11:35 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 29, 2011, 10:09:10 AM
On a cold, wintery Sunday, after church, a stranger goes up to the minister and says, "I must confess, I came to your church to steal a hat. But when I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Oh, you mean the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal'?" the minister replied.

"No," the man said, "When you got to the one about adultery... I remembered where I left my hat."

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM: There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 11:20:30 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?

3
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 11:44:40 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?

One...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 12:00:53 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?

None. Waterboard the pesky kid until he tells you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 29, 2011, 12:02:43 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 12:00:53 PM
Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 11:12:36 AM
There are three matchboxes in front of you. One contains two black marbles, the second, two white marbles and the third one has a black and a white marble inside. Each box had the correct label on it until some pesky kid switched them around so that each matchbox is now wrongly labelled.

You can take one marble at a time from any box without looking inside. How many marbles must you remove to be sure of correctly identifying all 3 boxes?

None. Waterboard the pesky kid until he tells you.

happy001 happy001 happy001 eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 12:30:05 PM: Well....? Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 12:37:25 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 01:21:21 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 29, 2011, 12:37:25 PM
Shrugs:

You don't know the answer? doh:

I must be right then... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 03:06:17 PM: Uncle will know angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 29, 2011, 05:28:34 PM: One. Take it from the box marked B&W. If it's white then the other ball in that box must be white, Then there must be two black balls in the box labeled white and one black ball one white ball in box labeled black. Conversely if black the other ball in the box is black. the rest agains follows logically.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 29, 2011, 05:30:05 PM: Told you cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2011, 06:14:51 PM: I got it right! cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 08:29:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 29, 2011, 06:14:51 PM
I got it right! cloud9:
By accident though.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 30, 2011, 05:32:56 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 29, 2011, 08:29:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 29, 2011, 06:14:51 PM
I got it right! cloud9:
By accident though.

NO! evil:

I searched for it on the Intermong... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 30, 2011, 07:55:03 PM: I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........

-- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 30, 2011, 07:56:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 30, 2011, 07:55:03 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2011, 03:52:57 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 30, 2011, 07:55:03 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2011, 03:58:40 AM: Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, the locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52....

...It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2011, 03:41:50 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 30, 2011, 07:55:03 PM
I didn't believe the wife when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. Then I saw her face........

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started a new business to teach youngsters how to play the violin. Not one single customer. With hindsight, perhaps Kiddie Fiddlers wasn't the best choice of name....

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:02:41 PM: I just love Philip!

>
> 1. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Beijing, during a 1986 tour of China.
> 2. "Ghastly." Prince Philip's opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city's Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997.
> 3. "Deaf? If you're near there, no wonder you are deaf." Said to a group of deaf children standing near a Caribbean steel drum band in 2000.
> 4. "If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes." To 21-year-old British student Simon Kerby during a visit to China in 1986.
> 5. "You managed not to get eaten then?" To a British student who had trekked in Papua New Guinea, during an official visit in 1998.
> 6. "You can't have been here that long – you haven't got a pot belly." To a British tourist during a tour of Budapest in Hungary. 1993.
> 7. "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.
> 8. "Damn fool question!" To BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt at a banquet at the Elysée Palace after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris in 2006.
> 9. "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian." The Prince's verdict of a fuse box during a tour of a Scottish factory in August 1999. He later clarified his comment: "I meant to say cowboys. "I just got my cowboys and Indians mixed up."
> 10. "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle." To survivors of the Lockerbie bombings in 1993.
> 11. "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves." During a trip to Canada in 1976.
> 12. "A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone's working too much. Now that everybody's got more leisure time they are complaining they are unemployed. People don't seem to make up their minds what they want." A man of the people shares insight into the recession that gripped Britain in 1981.
> 13. "British women can't cook." Winning the hearts of the Scottish Women's Institute in 1961.
> 14. "It was part of the fortunes of war. We didn't have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking 'Are you all right - are you sure you don't have a ghastly problem?' You just got on with it!" On the issue of stress counselling for servicemen in a TV docomeentary marking the 50th Anniversary of V-J Day in 1995.
> 15. "What do you gargle with – pebbles?" To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He added the following day: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs.."
> 16. "It's a vast waste of space." Philip entertained guests in 2000 at the reception of a new £18m British Embassy in Berlin, which the Queen had just opened.
> 17. "There's a lot of your family in tonight." After glancing at business chief Atul Patel's name badge during a 2009 Buckingham Palace reception for 400 influential British Indians to meet the Royal couple.
> 18. "If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.
> 19. "You ARE a woman, aren't you?" To a woman in Kenya in 1984, after accepting a gift.
> 20. "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" To a wheelchair-bound Susan Edwards, and her guide dog Natalie in 2002.
> 21. "Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer!" On being offered the finest Italian wines by PM Giuliano Amato at a dinner in Rome in 2000.
> 22. "I would like to go to Russia very much – although the man without a father s murdered half my family." In 1967, asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union.
> 23. "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat,which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" In a Radio 4 interview shortly after the Dunblane shootings in 1996. He said to the interviewer off-air afterwards: "That will really set the cat among the pigeons, won't it?"
> 24. "Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car is it? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle." To neighbour Elton John after hearing he had sold his Watford FC-themed Aston Martin in 2001.
> 25. "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion." At the opening of City Hall in 2002.
> 26. "A pissometer?" The Prince sees the renames the piezometer water gauge demonstrated by Australian farmer Steve Filelti in 2000.
> 27. "Don't feed your rabbits pawpaw fruit – it acts as a contraceptive. Then again, it might not work on rabbits." Giving advice to a Caribbean rabbit breeder in Anguilla in 1994.
> 28. "You must be out of your minds." To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5 per cent a year, in 1982.
> 29. "Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant." At the 50th anniversary of the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.
> 30. "Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species." Accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991.
> 31. "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" In the Cayman Islands, 1994.
> 32. "You bloody silly fool!" To an elderly car park attendant who made the mistake of not recognising him at Cambridge University in 1997.
> 33.. "Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the environment." To three young employees of a Scottish fish farm at Holyrood Palace in 1999.
> 34. "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly." To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002.
> 35. "The French don't know how to cook breakfast." After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy – in 2002.
> 36. "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?" Asked in 1999 of Tory politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, whose parents are Jamaican. He replied: "Birmingham."
> 37. "Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." On a visit to Australia in 1992, when asked if he wanted to stroke a koala bear.
> 38. "It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University." Overheard at Bristol University's engineering facility. It had been closed so that he and the Queen could officially open it in 2005.
> 39. "I wish he'd turn the microphone off!" The Prince expresses his opinion of Elton John's performance at the 73rd Royal Variety Show, 2001.
> 40. "Do you still throw spears at each other?" Prince Philip shocks Aboriginal leader William Brin at the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
> 41. "Where's the Southern Comfort?" On being presented with a hamper of southern goods by the American ambassador in London in 1999.
> 42. "Were you here in the bad old days? ... That's why you can't read and write then!" To parents during a visit to Fir Vale Comprehensive School in Sheffield, which had suffered poor academic reputation.
> 43. "Ah you're the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then? Ha, ha! Well done." Meeting 14-year old George Barlow, whose invited to the Queen to visit Romford, Essex, in 2003.
> 44. "So who's on drugs here?... HE looks as if he's on drugs.." To a 14-year-old member of a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002.
> 45. "You could do with losing a little bit of weight." To hopeful astronaut, 13-year-old Andrew Adams.
> 46. "You have mosquitoes. I have the Press." To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean in 1966.
> 47. "The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined." While hosts made effort to greet a state visit to Brazil, 1968.
> 48. "During the Blitz a lot of shops had their windows blown in and sometimes they put up notices saying, 'More open than usual.' I now declare this place more open than usual." Unveiling a plaque at the University of Hertfordshire's new Hatfield campus in November 2003.
> 49. Philip: "Who are you?"
>
> Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
>
> Philip: "What are you doing here?"
>
> Kelner: "You invited me."
>
> Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
>
> An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.
>
> 50. "No, I would probably end up spitting it out over everybody." Prince Philip declines the offer of some fish from Rick Stein's seafood deli in 2000.
> 51. "Any bloody fool can lay a wreath at the thingamy." Discussing his role in an interview with Jeremy Paxman.
> 52. "Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance." At the opening of a school in 2000.
> 53. "People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans." In 2000.
> 54. "Can you tell the difference between them?" On being told by President Obama that he'd had breakfast with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.
> 55. "I don't know how they are going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield." After meeting students from Brunei coming to Britain to study in 1998.
> 56. "Do people trip over you?" Meeting a wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident in 2002.
> 57. "That's a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?" Discussing the tartan designed for the Papal visit with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie last year.
> 58. "I have never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing." Addressing a group of industrialists in 1961.
> 59. "It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing!" Speaking about a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957.
> 60. "Well, you didn't design your beard too well, did you? You really must try better with your beard." To a young fashion designer at a Buckingham Palace in 2009.
> 61. "So you're responsible for the kind of crap Channel Four produces!" Speaking to then chairman of the channel, Michael Bishop, in 1962.
> 62. "Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practiced for a good many years." Address to the General Dental Council, quoted in Time in 1960.
> 63. "Tolerance is the one essential ingredient ... You can take it from me that the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance." Advice for a successful marriage in 1997.
> 64. "I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff." Commiserating about the standard of Buckingham Palace cuisine in 1962.
> 65. "I suppose I would get in a lot of trouble if I were to melt them down." On being shown Nottingham Forest FC's trophy collection in 1999.
> 66. "It makes you all look like Dracula's daughters!" To pupils at Queen Anne's School in Reading, who wear blood-red uniforms, in 1998.
> 67. "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing." Dismissing claims that those who sell slaughtered meat have greater moral authority than those who participate in blood sports, in 1988.
> 68. "Ah, so this is feminist corner then." Joining a group of female Labour MPs, who were wearing name badges reading "Ms", at a Buckingham Palace drinks party in 2000.
> 69. "Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don't you have a slogan: 'Kill a cat and save a bird?'" On being told of a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965.
> 70. "All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury." Bemoaning the rate of British tax in 1963.
> 71. "It is my invariable custom to say something flattering to begin with so that I shall be excused if by any chance I put my foot in it later on." Full marks for honesty, from a speech in 1956.
> 72. "Why don't you go and live in a hostel to save cash?" Asked of a penniless student.
> 73. "In education, if in nothing else, the Scotsman knows what is best for him. Indeed, only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education." Said when he was made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in November 1953.
> 74. "If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested." Of his daughter, Princess Anne.
> 75. "They're not mating are they?" Spotting two robots bumping in to one another at the Science Museum in 2000.
> 76. "I must be in the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane." Philip did not approve of the noise Concorde made while flying over the Buckingham Palace.
> 77. "The only active sport, which I follow, is polo – and most of the work's done by the pony!" 1965
> 78. "It looks like a tart's bedroom." On seeing plans for the Duke and then Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park.
> 79. "Reichskanzler." Prince Philip used Hitler's title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl during a speech in Hanover in 1997.
> 80. "We go into the red next year... I shall probably have to give up polo." Comment on US television in 1969 about the Royal Family's finances.
> 81. "Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!" Showing his impatience to be fed at a dinner party in 2004.
> 82. "I thought it was against the law these days for a woman to solicit." Said to a woman solicitor.
> 83. "You're just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don't trust me and I don't trust you." Said to Sir Rennie Maudslay, Keeper of the Privy Purse, in the 1970s.
> 84. "What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer." Response to a comment at a small-business lunch about how difficult it is in Britain to get rich.
> 85. "This could only happen in a technical college." On getting stuck in a lift between two floors at the Heriot Watt University, 1958.
> 86. "I'd much rather have stayed in the Navy, frankly." When asked what he felt about his life in 1992.
> 87. "It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from her school art lessons" On being shown "primitive" Ethiopian art in 1965.
> 88. "You're not wearing mink knickers, are you?" Philip charms fashion writer Serena French at a World Wildlife Fund gathering in 1993.
> 89. "My son...er...owns them." On being asked on a Canadian tour whether he knew the Scilly Isles.
> 90. "Well, that's more than you know about anything else then." Speaking, a touch condescendingly, to Michael Buerk, after being told by the BBC newsreader that he did know about the Duke of Edinburgh's Gold Awards in 2004.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 01, 2011, 04:07:24 PM: Might wanna delete the e-mail addresses on that...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:23:28 PM: Done happy088
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 01, 2011, 04:26:11 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:23:28 PM
Done happy088

I've done it myself.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2011, 04:30:43 PM: Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2011, 04:37:23 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 01, 2011, 04:30:43 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble noooo:

I think we might have noticed, florist..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 01, 2011, 05:43:47 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 01, 2011, 04:30:43 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble noooo:

It gets worse believe me razz:

When I was young I often wondered what to say; now I'm old I have to think what NOT to say 8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2011, 05:45:44 PM: Quote from: Pastis on June 01, 2011, 05:43:47 PM
Quote from: Nick on June 01, 2011, 04:30:43 PM
Refreshinlgly un PC. As I get older I care not what I say to folks. It gets me in lots of trouble noooo:

It gets worse believe me razz:

When I was young I often wondered what to say; now I'm old I have to think what NOT to say 8)

Indeed. I give not a shit.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 09:46:38 AM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 02, 2011, 09:52:52 AM: Quote from: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 09:46:38 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQI-87jUBs)

lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 02, 2011, 10:08:12 AM: Excellent. That's been forwarded lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 02, 2011, 04:03:43 PM: Love it! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 05:01:20 PM: http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/ (http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 02, 2011, 06:35:18 PM: Oh Yes !!! happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 05, 2011, 01:28:35 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 02, 2011, 05:01:20 PM
http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/ (http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/)

lol:

Hahahahahahaha! happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 06, 2011, 04:28:20 PM: http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html (http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html) razz:

Quote
On a domestic flight from Sydney I had this exchange with a newly arrived U.S. visitor to Australia a few years back.

Me: Madam, would you like a cup of coffee?

Passenger: Do you have any tea with yee?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by yee.....

Passenger: Oh..... no I'm sorry, do you have any tea with thou?

Me: Are you trying to speak olde english?

Passenger: Isn't that how you speak here in Australia?

Quote
PAX: what do you have to eat and drink?
CC: there is a menu just there in your seatpocket...
PAX: (pulling something out and reading it) "what? this? it dosent say food?"
CC: No, thats the sickbag...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2011, 04:42:50 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 06, 2011, 04:28:20 PM
http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html (http://www.pprune.org/cabin-crew/232080-thick-passenger-comments.html) razz:

Quote
On a domestic flight from Sydney I had this exchange with a newly arrived U.S. visitor to Australia a few years back.

Me: Madam, would you like a cup of coffee?

Passenger: Do you have any tea with yee?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by yee.....

Passenger: Oh..... no I'm sorry, do you have any tea with thou?

Me: Are you trying to speak olde english?

Passenger: Isn't that how you speak here in Australia?

Quote
PAX: what do you have to eat and drink?
CC: there is a menu just there in your seatpocket...
PAX: (pulling something out and reading it) "what? this? it dosent say food?"
CC: No, thats the sickbag...

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 10, 2011, 11:37:24 AM: A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps The mum!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 10, 2011, 12:14:04 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 11, 2011, 08:51:42 AM: For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me (http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down) lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 11, 2011, 09:03:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 11, 2011, 08:51:42 AM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me (http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down) lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling

Brilliant! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 11, 2011, 09:42:17 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 11, 2011, 08:51:42 AM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me (http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down) lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling

Excellent! ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 11, 2011, 11:24:12 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on June 11, 2011, 04:08:42 PM: lol: lol: I always wondered what they did when you weren't looking
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM: Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 14, 2011, 03:37:38 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on June 11, 2011, 09:03:26 AM
Quote from: Just One More on June 11, 2011, 08:51:42 AM
For some strange reason this one just hit the spot for me (http://retrogasm.tumblr.com/post/4638217725/i-swear-i-have-seen-this-in-real-life-driving-down) lol:

I will never look at a row of pylons again without smiling

Brilliant! lol: lol: lol:

Erm...I can't see anything - and I'm on my 'pooter too rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM: Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2011, 04:12:28 PM: Mr Thread?Meet Mr Gubber.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 14, 2011, 04:51:16 PM: I'm round me bruv's. He was telling me he mixed his Viagra up with Tipp-ex. Woke up with an enormous correction...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2011, 04:52:39 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 14, 2011, 04:58:22 PM: As long as he's all "white"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 05:05:29 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^

I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 14, 2011, 06:14:01 PM: I'm a bad man - I set fire to an orphanage today. You should have seen their little faces light up...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 06:21:21 PM: I am ashamed to say that made me smile redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 14, 2011, 06:47:25 PM: I laughed like a drain when I heard it!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 08:28:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 05:05:29 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^

I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go (http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 14, 2011, 09:34:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

lol: lol: lol:
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

lol: lol: lol:

I tried twice to quote on this message, but the youtube link was lost...gubbed... (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-happy119.gif&hash=d5f236bb5e6a4507f86f2a5d94647c3df9139a81) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 09:55:48 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 08:28:39 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 05:05:29 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^

I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go (http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/)

Top man Darwin. You're an interweb god
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 09:57:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 09:55:48 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2011, 08:28:39 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 14, 2011, 05:05:29 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 04:23:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 04:10:38 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 14, 2011, 03:41:53 PM
Neither can I ~ It had vanished within 48 hours of being posted when I tried to show the kids ...i.e. before the upgrade.

Perhaps JOM could find it again.

Go on... blame me... ::)

Ahem! ^^^^^^^^

I got the same result as you guys. I shall look later
Here you go (http://s1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc513/Darwins_Selection/)

Top man Darwin. You're an interweb god
redface: I think not.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 15, 2011, 05:17:04 AM: Quote from: Pirate on June 14, 2011, 09:34:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

lol: lol: lol:
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2011, 02:23:14 PM
Don't Talk - Angry Voicemail (Uncensored) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)

lol: lol: lol:

I tried twice to quote on this message, but the youtube link was lost...gubbed... (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-happy119.gif&hash=d5f236bb5e6a4507f86f2a5d94647c3df9139a81) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

Well, it werks for me like....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L3eeC2lJZs#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 15, 2011, 03:30:09 PM: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13771099 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13771099)
point: point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 15, 2011, 05:09:28 PM: I saw that on TV this morning, as Adrian Chiles said, Cameron and Clegg looked like two schoolboys caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they were lost for words once offscript

I loved the spineless grey suit (administrator prolly) by the door, he didn't know what to say either point:

Top marks for that Orthapaedic surgeon
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 15, 2011, 07:51:03 PM: One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 15, 2011, 11:57:06 PM: "Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 15, 2011, 11:59:14 PM: I don't tell racist jokes as my best mate is black.

The cunt stole my joke book. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 16, 2011, 12:02:15 AM: I used to love growing up with a dyslexic father.

Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2011, 05:10:21 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on June 15, 2011, 07:51:03 PM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

(C) Dave Allen - 1975 whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2011, 05:10:52 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on June 15, 2011, 11:57:06 PM
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2011, 09:49:48 PM: A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 16, 2011, 10:26:31 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 16, 2011, 09:49:48 PM
A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'

Been there...done that...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2011, 10:27:51 PM: Quote from: Pirate on June 16, 2011, 10:26:31 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 16, 2011, 09:49:48 PM
A copper stopped a drunkem man at 2am and asked him where he was going, he replied 'I am going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink, the subsequent consequences on relationships and long term health'

The copper asked him 'who the hell is giving such lectures at the this time of the night'

The drunk replied 'the f'ckin wife'

Been there...done that...
How did he react?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on June 16, 2011, 10:40:33 PM: he was not impressed...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 12:25:07 PM: Little Billy was upstairs watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and said to his dad, "what's love juice?" His dad looks horrified, but tells Billy all about sex and why a woman gets "wet". Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement
Dad asks, "so, WTF were you watching?"
Billy replied, "Wimbledon"

and I know you can't get that score in tennis
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2011, 01:50:54 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 12:25:07 PM
Little Billy was upstairs watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and said to his dad, "what's love juice?" His dad looks horrified, but tells Billy all about sex and why a woman gets "wet". Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement
Dad asks, "so, WTF were you watching?"
Billy replied, "Wimbledon"

and I know you can't get that score in tennis

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 06:45:17 PM: My mrs just said to me ' You have been having an affair with that Welsh slapper from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch'

I replied ... 'How can you say that ? '

I thought my mother-in-law would have been an ideal candidate for a new reality show I saw advertised . That was until I realised the title actually read Old Fact Hunt .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2011, 07:51:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2011, 06:45:17 PM
I thought my mother-in-law would have been an ideal candidate for a new reality show I saw advertised . That was until I realised the title actually read Old Fact Hunt .

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2011, 06:45:52 AM: Some jackass nearly ran me off the road the other night.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2011, 06:49:13 AM: I've heard there's a new drive-thru restaurant opening soon called McCanns.

The window is always open and you take what you want.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2011, 07:29:37 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 22, 2011, 06:45:52 AM
Some jackass nearly ran me off the road the other night.

drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 22, 2011, 03:39:06 PM: Ancient Skeleton (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yWRpse27Yc#) ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2011, 04:15:59 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 22, 2011, 05:42:39 PM: LL would like this angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2011, 06:01:28 AM: I asked a Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had . He fell asleep while counting them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2011, 06:04:57 AM: I was shagging a woman over her kitchen table when her husband walked in the front door . She said 'Quick . The back door'
Her hubby caught us at it , but there was no way I was gonna turn down that opportunity .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 07:32:59 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 24, 2011, 06:04:57 AM
I was shagging a woman over her kitchen table when her husband walked in the front door . She said 'Quick . The back door'
Her hubby caught us at it , but there was no way I was gonna turn down that opportunity .

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 02:39:20 PM: When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 02:53:55 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 03:05:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 24, 2011, 02:53:55 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:

::) Gayer:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2011, 03:07:08 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 03:05:14 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 24, 2011, 02:53:55 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 24, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer Arsene Wenger said "I will plan tactics so that Arsenal will win a trophy next season."

Harry Rednap said " I will spend the summer shagging Kylie Minogue, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie at the same time."

When the journalist told Harry to be serious he pointed to Arsene Wenger and said... "Well he fucking started it!"

This is a football-related joke is it...? Shrugs:

::) Gayer:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 28, 2011, 08:55:11 AM: Trolling a dating site (http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 28, 2011, 11:35:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 28, 2011, 08:55:11 AM
Trolling a dating site (http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0)

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 28, 2011, 11:10:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 28, 2011, 08:55:11 AM
Trolling a dating site (http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1017090&mid=0&i=0&nmt=How+to+troll+a+dating+website%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E%2E&mid=0)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 03, 2011, 09:17:14 PM: I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2011, 04:24:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 03, 2011, 09:17:14 PM
I asked a mate to get me some viagra because I had a hot date . I saw him a few days later and he asked me how it went . 'Ten times' I replied .
'Ten times . You are lucky you didn't break your back'
'Lucky I didn't break my wrist . She didn't turn up'

lol: lol: lol:

Ooohhh, is it time for me toast joke? razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 04, 2011, 01:23:58 PM: How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2011, 02:05:50 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on July 04, 2011, 01:23:58 PM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

Marry it

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 05, 2011, 04:38:38 PM: A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 05, 2011, 05:04:08 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 05, 2011, 08:18:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 05, 2011, 04:38:38 PM
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 05, 2011, 08:43:48 PM: Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names. That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs. No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the fuck is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat. And the women used to expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to footballers. Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat. Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress
counselling"? Did he bollocks!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’? Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank, all man stuff. None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye. I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It's true, you know, it fucking is. Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney. Fuck that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 05, 2011, 09:12:31 PM: My sister writes to complain:

Quote
Classic conversation with my hypochondriac friend - after hearing her latest list of ailment she finished with 'and I've lost more than a stone' Me: 'so have I' Her: 'Yes but I didn't need to'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 06, 2011, 03:17:54 AM: Quote from: Baldy on July 05, 2011, 08:43:48 PM
Footy in the old days:

ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY FOOTBALL CLUB WEBSITE

"I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names. That's what it is.

Remember the old days, when footy players kicked a fucking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire?

Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Fucking tough names for tough men, them was!

And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie.
Fucking tarts' names, they are great big fucking puffs. No wonder the ball's like a fucking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. Fucking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, and sock’s was like sackcloth.

Same with the jerseys, fucking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fuck off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fucking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fucking did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them.

And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of
them size 10 hobnail fuckers up his bastard chuff.

Fucking therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the fuck is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat. And the women used to expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to footballers. Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month, soft twat. Archie McShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day and he scored two goals.

That's co’s his name wasn't "Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress
counselling"? Did he bollocks!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up Class A narcotics.

‘Goal celebrations’? Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got, that and a wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank, all man stuff. None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard.

Allegedly, In them days there was now’t wrong with it cos it didn't mean now’t. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen, aye. I know me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fucking week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It's true, you know, it fucking is. Players had to work in them days just to make up their money. Not like today.

Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford shithouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some cunt had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shit names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time?

The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fucking Chesney. Fuck that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 08, 2011, 09:46:22 AM: Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 08, 2011, 10:14:41 AM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 08, 2011, 08:57:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 08, 2011, 09:46:22 AM
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated..........
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 09, 2011, 09:55:01 AM: My sister sends me a text:

Quote
There is a fault with my phone at present, but leave me a message and the News of The World will forward it to me later
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2011, 09:55:47 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 09, 2011, 09:55:01 AM
My sister sends me a text:

Quote
There is a fault with my phone at present, but leave me a message and the News of The World will forward it to me later

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2011, 05:27:32 PM: Students at a local school were assigned to read two books and write a book report. The books were: 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 14, 2011, 05:31:39 PM: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2011, 04:38:29 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 14, 2011, 05:27:32 PM
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books and write a book report. The books were: 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 16, 2011, 11:51:14 AM: happy002 feckin excellent!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 16, 2011, 09:02:26 PM: So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 16, 2011, 09:08:45 PM: ;D

confused:

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 16, 2011, 10:51:01 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 16, 2011, 09:02:26 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 16, 2011, 11:27:34 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 16, 2011, 09:02:26 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.

Gonna use that one .............(cheque in the post ....... whistle:)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 04:36:29 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 16, 2011, 09:02:26 PM
So, apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema, but when you do the same for Schindler's List you're some kind of sick weirdo.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 12:40:34 PM: What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 12:42:42 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM: My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 17, 2011, 01:11:14 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

redface: redface: redface:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 01:48:13 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 17, 2011, 01:11:14 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

redface: redface: redface:

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc.... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:01:12 PM: Imagine winning £161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.

Except a neck.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:08:21 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:01:12 PM
Imagine winning £161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.

Except a neck.

The fat bastards probably could get necks with that amount! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:11:27 PM: More material for APC...

Whats the worst thing about spit-roasting a baby?

That awkward moment when your bell-ends bump together...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:13:05 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:11:27 PM
More material for APC...

Whats the worst thing about spit-roasting a baby?

That awkward moment when your bell-ends bump together...

EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! eeek:

Don't we have an offensive jokes thread...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:16:21 PM: I would hate to be a ginger on "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Phone a friend would be useless.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:19:10 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:16:21 PM
I would hate to be a ginger on "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Phone a friend would be useless.

lol: lol: lol:

Poor Nick.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:21:21 PM: I bought a recipe book for desserts that's all backwards,

It's getting me stressed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:25:52 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:21:21 PM
I bought a recipe book for desserts that's all backwards,

It's getting me stressed.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:34:06 PM: Mahatma Gandhi always walked barefoot and ultimately the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath.In fact, in time he came to be known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

happy001 happy001 happy001

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 02:41:17 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 02:34:06 PM
Mahatma Gandhi always walked barefoot and ultimately the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath.In fact, in time he came to be known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

happy001 happy001 happy001

redface:

Is this the 1983 Boys Book of Jokes you've been reading while straining in the mornings....? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 17, 2011, 05:48:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 17, 2011, 01:48:13 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 17, 2011, 01:11:14 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

redface: redface: redface:

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc.... ;)

He did it today noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2011, 05:49:34 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 17, 2011, 05:48:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 17, 2011, 01:48:13 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 17, 2011, 01:11:14 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 17, 2011, 01:06:48 PM
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?

redface: redface: redface:

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: Another one fer yer act apc.... ;)

He did it today noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 19, 2011, 09:03:15 AM: Replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the
section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way...

...Who's your Daddy?

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates, it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 19, 2011, 09:21:14 AM: My mate showed me his new treatment for his Tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.

He swears by it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 19, 2011, 09:29:52 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 19, 2011, 09:21:14 AM
My mate showed me his new treatment for his Tourettes. It's a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad.

He swears by it.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 02:32:15 PM: A custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live TV.

Apparently, the clown prosecution service will be investigating.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2011, 02:38:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 02:32:15 PM
A custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live TV.

Apparently, the clown prosecution service will be investigating.......
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM: My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 20, 2011, 04:45:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2011, 07:55:58 PM: Grandad went into a nursing home .
I rang to see how he was settling in and they told me he was like a fish out of water .
I assumed by that they meant he wasn't settling in well .
Then they told me he was dead .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2011, 08:09:54 PM: I went out last night , had a few too many beers , and woke up next to a fat bird this morning .
I handed her a peice of paper as I left , and told her 'If you want to see me again call this number' .
She said 'you haven't written your name on it' .
To which I replied 'It ain't my number . It's for WeightWatchers you fat fucker'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 12:12:03 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 20, 2011, 08:09:54 PM
I went out last night , had a few too many beers , and woke up next to a fat bird this morning .
I handed her a peice of paper as I left , and told her 'If you want to see me again call this number' .
She said 'you haven't written your name on it' .
To which I replied 'It ain't my number . It's for WeightWatchers you fat fucker'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 22, 2011, 02:53:23 AM: Wheelchair users are so ungrateful.

They've put ramps up for them all over my town but you never see the lazy fuckers doing any tricks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 05:36:45 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 22, 2011, 02:53:23 AM
Wheelchair users are so ungrateful.

They've put ramps up for them all over my town but you never see the lazy fuckers doing any tricks.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 09:12:12 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?

Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke? cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 09:13:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 22, 2011, 09:12:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?

Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke? cloud9:

Go on then .... since there's only the two of us here but be quick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2011, 09:53:20 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 22, 2011, 01:59:33 PM: http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2011, 02:11:55 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:42:44 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on July 22, 2011, 01:59:33 PM
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Mens-Pop-White-Storm-Watch-/330591109342?pt=UK_Jewelery_Watches_Watches_MensWatches_GL&hash=item4cf8c400de)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:53:07 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 09:13:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 22, 2011, 09:12:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2011, 04:17:53 PM
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?

Oooohh... Is it time for my penguin joke? cloud9:

Go on then .... since there's only the two of us here but be quick.

A penguin is driving thru Nevada. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. The Penguin stops in at a body shop.

Mechanic " well it's going to take an hour for me to figure out the problem, take a look around the town and come back in about an hour"

Penguin " Ok"

He walks around the town, and notices it is real blistering hot out. Walking along he discovers and ice cream shop. He stops in and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. His flippers are unable to hold the fork, so he just starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth. He makes an enormous mess.

He heads back to the body shop and the mechanic turns to him and says

" looks like you blew a seal"

Penguin " NO it's just ice cream" !

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 02:55:06 PM: Penguin Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE#)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 03:00:02 PM: I think the chimp delivered it better ...... You know, the first post. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2011, 03:04:21 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on July 22, 2011, 03:00:02 PM
I think the chimp delivered it better ...... You know, the first post. whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2011, 06:06:42 PM: Quote from: Nick on July 22, 2011, 09:53:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aySEdLaEDc8&feature=player_embedded) razz:

Uploaded to youtube Oct 2006. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 23, 2011, 05:47:19 PM: BBC News Website: Amy Winehouse, 27, found dead
Related Story: Winehouse comeback tour cancelled.

Well, that was a safe bet.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2011, 04:48:15 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 23, 2011, 05:47:19 PM
BBC News Website: Amy Winehouse, 27, found dead
Related Story: Winehouse comeback tour cancelled.

Well, that was a safe bet.........

lol: lol: lol:

[checks] Feck mew she is dead! eeek:

Was only a matter of time I suppose.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 24, 2011, 06:16:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 24, 2011, 04:48:15 AM
Was only a matter of time I suppose.... noooo:

Another safe bet for everyone. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2011, 06:18:25 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 24, 2011, 06:16:01 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 24, 2011, 04:48:15 AM
Was only a matter of time I suppose.... noooo:

Another safe bet for everyone. ::)

Indeed... lol:

That's what makes Celebrity Death Bingo so exciting! whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 25, 2011, 09:16:48 AM: Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 25, 2011, 10:08:27 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on July 25, 2011, 09:16:48 AM
Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 26, 2011, 09:23:14 AM: Quote
THE BERNANKE GENERATOR
Flying cunt class from Bogota to Sao Paulo today, I made an important discovery. If you go through the Wall Street Journal, delete the word ``said'' from all the stories, and replace it with something else, the newspaper becomes about 15% less tedious.

For example:
-"We don't have a precise read on why this slower pace of growth is persisting," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke whimpered.

-"We have no expectation or intention to get involved in state and local finance," Mr. Bernanke snarled.

-"This is really a political, fiscal issue," he chortled.

-"If we bail out one state, then all of the debt of all of the states is almost explicitly put on the books of the federal government," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan yelped.

I'm trying to design The Bernanke Generator. You simply copy and paste your WSJ article, and it automatically converts it for you, free of charge. Bernanke sneered, Bernanke tittered, Bernanke roared, Bernanke guffawed, Bernanke sobbed...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 26, 2011, 11:02:11 AM: What do Amy Winelodge & Alex Ferguson have in common ?

Neither of 'em will be playing Giggs this autumn
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 26, 2011, 05:24:12 PM: Fuck me - this surprise murder- mystery weekend that I'm on in Norway is well over the feckin top !!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 30, 2011, 01:24:20 PM: "Hi Mum, I'm back."

"And where do you think you've been all afternoon?"

"Playing down by the railway line with my half-sister."

"She's not your half......."

(sorry TMR ).......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 07, 2011, 06:33:12 PM: When I saw all the niggers rioting on Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn't go.

I'm in the job centre..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 07, 2011, 06:46:17 PM: That s quite tasteless.

USE IT
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 08, 2011, 10:27:28 PM: I bet the kaiser chiefs are feeling pretty smug now........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 08, 2011, 10:34:16 PM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 08, 2011, 10:40:32 PM: At the gym tonight one of the regular guys came in with new trainers on . He got such a ribbing from the other fellas about being a hoodie hoodlum that he ended up going back into the changing room and bringing out a receipt.

He then got the piss taken out of him for how much he had paid for this vile pair of trainers lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 09, 2011, 06:11:12 AM: London police have released CCTV footage of the youths involved in the riots in Tottenham last night.

Anyone who recognises any of the teeth should call Crimestoppers immediately.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 05:55:40 PM: London Olympics 2012

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:15:41 PM: I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 11, 2011, 09:17:27 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on August 11, 2011, 09:15:41 PM
I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:23:31 PM: Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:27:12 PM: Following the recent riots across the cities in England… the French have surrendered.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2011, 09:29:19 PM: One for Growler ...

I said to my mate “We’re in the middle of a huge recession, we’ve got Noel Edmonds on TV and we’ve got rioting on the streets of London. It’s like being back in the 80′s”

He said “Yeah, what’s next, Liverpool win the league?”

Oh how we both laughed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 11, 2011, 11:45:26 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on August 11, 2011, 09:23:31 PM
Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.

Moderators, can you have a word with that TMR chap? He keeps repeating what Miss D says before she says it whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 12, 2011, 12:43:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 11, 2011, 11:45:26 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on August 11, 2011, 09:23:31 PM
Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of youth's running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.

Moderators, can you have a word with that TMR chap? He keeps repeating what Miss D says before she says it whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2011, 05:00:23 AM: It's my own form of protest ....... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2011, 08:09:12 AM: For all you husbands who hate shopping.

My wife, was always after me to go shopping with her..

Then I began wearing my new t -shirt.

She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore ..can't think why rubschin:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thekumachan.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F03%2Ft-shirt.jpg&hash=95215be9f4f968eae30770186349cab532a57f48)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on August 12, 2011, 08:16:04 AM: Do they make that in Extra Large? angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 12, 2011, 09:24:07 AM: Had to sit with my husband in A&E last night while he had seventeen stitches taken out. That'll teach him to give me a bloody sewing kit for my birthday.

(Thanks to Barmisspah)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 16, 2011, 02:53:20 PM: My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: You've won my trust - Moral of the story:

always keep your condoms in the car.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2011, 02:55:09 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2011, 02:53:20 PM
My girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear, "I have feelings for you, shall we have sex?", I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car. I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: You've won my trust - Moral of the story:

always keep your condoms in the car.

Its not true about the old ones being the best then....? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 16, 2011, 07:52:31 PM: My wife loves getting steamy and squirting...

The many wonders of ironing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 18, 2011, 05:44:42 PM: Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 19, 2011, 12:06:11 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 18, 2011, 05:44:42 PM
Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2011, 04:23:22 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 18, 2011, 05:44:42 PM
Dear Santa.

Don't fucking bother coming this year, I have loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9, Tottenham.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 24, 2011, 09:03:03 PM: I often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women.

"Men experience bloatiness too I thought. "Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"

Tonight it struck me. When men are bloated, they fart and don't go out and spending £2.99 on f**king yoghurt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 25, 2011, 04:54:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 24, 2011, 09:03:03 PM
I often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women.

"Men experience bloatiness too I thought. "Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"

Tonight it struck me. When men are bloated, they fart and don't go out and spending £2.99 on f**king yoghurt.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 25, 2011, 09:00:18 PM: Fly Sat Nav (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 25, 2011, 11:48:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 25, 2011, 09:00:18 PM
Fly Sat Nav (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2011, 04:32:54 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 25, 2011, 09:00:18 PM
Fly Sat Nav (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO-szrQ8go4#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 26, 2011, 08:12:25 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2wkcogrs4%2Fimage0044.jpg&hash=82aab5ddb867a1e9ac8e392d1b26e07bd833f09c) (http://postimage.org/image/2wkcogrs4/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2011, 09:52:00 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 26, 2011, 08:12:25 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2wkcogrs4%2Fimage0044.jpg&hash=82aab5ddb867a1e9ac8e392d1b26e07bd833f09c) (http://postimage.org/image/2wkcogrs4/)

Shouldn't this be in 'Fantastic Headlines'...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 30, 2011, 07:13:29 PM: Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some nice bloke's sent me a magnifying glass!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 02:16:00 AM: Got in a fight with a sea creature who I thought was my friend.

Turns out he was anemone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:37:12 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 02:16:00 AM
Got in a fight with a sea creature who I thought was my friend.

Turns out he was anemone.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:04:37 AM: I was sent to prison for continually exposing my bottom. This was many moons ago.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 31, 2011, 11:38:52 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:04:37 AM
I was sent to prison for continually exposing my bottom. This was many moons ago.

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM: Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 01:20:33 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 31, 2011, 04:50:37 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:16:59 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:40:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:16:59 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

lol: lol: lol:

You're supposed to post five.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 05:43:10 PM: Can't get the staff these day, eh BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:44:06 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 05:43:10 PM
Can't get the staff these day, eh BM?

Nope... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:47:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:40:40 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:16:59 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

lol: lol: lol:

You're supposed to post five.... ::)

Me sides were hurting too much whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:49:19 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:47:35 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 31, 2011, 05:40:40 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 31, 2011, 05:16:59 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 11:58:47 AM
Towards the end of the Jurassic Period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

lol: lol: lol:

You're supposed to post five.... ::)

Me sides were hurting too much whistle:

Epic fail... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 09:06:26 PM: Why do men twist their wedding rings?

They are trying to work out the combination.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 01, 2011, 04:00:43 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on August 31, 2011, 09:06:26 PM
Why do men twist their wedding rings?

They are trying to work out the combination.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 02, 2011, 02:43:04 PM: From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_cZxxrxI8S7o%2FSSCyUsK7taI%2FAAAAAAAAAYM%2F1H1fduhB2fE%2Fs400%2Fspider.gif&hash=81c453e3437ff1e146b42c068c522954cce415fe)

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_cZxxrxI8S7o%2FSSCyUsK7taI%2FAAAAAAAAAYM%2F1H1fduhB2fE%2Fs400%2Fspider.gif&hash=81c453e3437ff1e146b42c068c522954cce415fe)

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w7forums.com%2Fattachments%2F340d1244832290-spider-payment-e-mail-spiderdrawing2.gif&hash=4ea0d3adf9591aa373d5995c842a4b6c0c9c9bfc)

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w7forums.com%2Fattachments%2F340d1244832290-spider-payment-e-mail-spiderdrawing2.gif&hash=4ea0d3adf9591aa373d5995c842a4b6c0c9c9bfc)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 02, 2011, 02:45:47 PM: Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2011, 04:43:02 PM: I might give that a try with Wandsworth COuncil angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 05, 2011, 10:50:35 AM: Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 05, 2011, 12:07:28 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 05, 2011, 10:50:35 AM
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2011, 01:44:32 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 05, 2011, 10:50:35 AM
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.

They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2011, 02:58:36 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 05, 2011, 02:59:28 PM: Did I do it right Barman, did I do it right? ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2011, 03:21:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 05, 2011, 02:59:28 PM
Did I do it right Barman, did I do it right? ;D

You did! Good lad! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 06, 2011, 05:16:16 AM: A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 06, 2011, 07:54:41 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on September 06, 2011, 05:16:16 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist".
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 06, 2011, 09:37:25 PM: Not from the inbox, but stolen from Vic Reeves

VR - "What happens at the end of the Italian Job"
Ronnie Ancona - "Ooh, the coach hangs over the edge of the cliff, and the gold is just balancing blah blah............

VR - No, the Italian wipes his arse ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 07, 2011, 04:28:51 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2011, 05:38:11 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2jf33rr6s%2Fdog_crap_cartoon.jpg&hash=9d0f01e09af94040812c86643fb02d68a88b5a6c) (http://postimage.org/image/2jf33rr6s/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2011, 05:46:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 19, 2011, 05:38:11 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F2jf33rr6s%2Fdog_crap_cartoon.jpg&hash=9d0f01e09af94040812c86643fb02d68a88b5a6c) (http://postimage.org/image/2jf33rr6s/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 21, 2011, 05:59:44 PM: From last nights Shameless, in the pub quiz...

Who said, "Please sir, I want some more"

Bobby Sands ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2011, 06:06:36 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 21, 2011, 05:59:44 PM
From last nights Shameless, in the pub quiz...

Who said, "Please sir, I want some more"

Bobby Sands ;D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2011, 08:58:20 PM: I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on September 22, 2011, 09:01:12 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2011, 08:58:20 PM
I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2011, 09:02:17 PM: I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"

He said, "Erm..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2011, 05:42:02 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2011, 09:02:17 PM
I said to my dyslexic mate, "Guess which band has split up?"

He said, "Erm..."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 26, 2011, 01:18:35 PM: I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 26, 2011, 01:21:07 PM: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 26, 2011, 01:56:42 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 26, 2011, 01:18:35 PM
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 27, 2011, 07:09:23 AM: Somebody should start an e-petition to raise Twitter's character limit to 150, I think 140 isn't enough to get your point across, if you agree pl
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 27, 2011, 07:15:28 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 27, 2011, 07:09:23 AM
Somebody should start an e-petition to raise Twitter's character limit to 150, I think 140 isn't enough to get your point across, if you agree pl

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 27, 2011, 05:38:31 PM: A lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a lorry came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a copper in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the lorry hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex !!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 27, 2011, 06:29:47 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 27, 2011, 05:38:31 PM
A lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a lorry came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a copper in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the lorry hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex !!"

Surely it would be his right arm, assuming it was in this country? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 27, 2011, 06:46:53 PM: Not for us lefties angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 27, 2011, 07:47:03 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 27, 2011, 06:46:53 PM
Not for us lefties angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 27, 2011, 07:59:32 PM: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 05:33:22 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 27, 2011, 07:47:03 PM
Quote from: Nick on September 27, 2011, 06:46:53 PM
Not for us lefties angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 06:53:42 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 27, 2011, 07:47:03 PM
Quote from: Nick on September 27, 2011, 06:46:53 PM
Not for us lefties angel1
I am right handed and have always worn my watch on my left wrist.

There are many cows would thank me for that.

Nick, you are a sad and lonely man, start a poll.

It should use up a few more minutes of your otherwise pointless, left-handed existence.

evil: There are an awful lot of us on this site...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 06:56:28 AM: I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."

I said, "I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 28, 2011, 07:02:44 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 06:56:28 AM
I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."

I said, "I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 07:03:04 AM: I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 07:04:05 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 07:03:04 AM
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 07:23:11 AM: Apologies if this is an Affsism

Ultimate Dog Tease (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2011, 07:50:42 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 07:23:11 AM
Apologies if this is an Affsism

Ultimate Dog Tease (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw#)

It is... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 28, 2011, 01:20:45 PM: After Man U's bad performance last night - seen in a newspaper - "Fergie's Basle faulties".

:-)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 29, 2011, 09:53:03 AM: So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 29, 2011, 10:01:39 AM: Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea.

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on September 29, 2011, 10:12:32 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2011, 11:07:00 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 29, 2011, 12:35:08 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2011, 12:50:19 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 02, 2011, 03:04:38 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F100jcvpwk%2F295954_277643955587597_259406447411348_1049317_2095244494_n.jpg&hash=d70e99c8d5992a04c27ca414ecdd6582ace3a7a8) (http://postimage.org/image/100jcvpwk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2011, 03:09:07 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 02, 2011, 03:04:38 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F100jcvpwk%2F295954_277643955587597_259406447411348_1049317_2095244494_n.jpg&hash=d70e99c8d5992a04c27ca414ecdd6582ace3a7a8) (http://postimage.org/image/100jcvpwk/)

Wankah:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 12, 2011, 02:58:13 AM: What's the difference between cancer and a black man?

Cancer gets Jobs..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM: Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2011, 05:28:12 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 12, 2011, 03:02:28 PM: I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night when she asked if I’d like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t fucking kidding.

I went on the waltzers ; dodgems and the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish !!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2011, 03:10:00 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 12, 2011, 03:02:28 PM
I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night when she asked if I’d like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t fucking kidding.

I went on the waltzers ; dodgems and the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish !!!!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 12, 2011, 03:14:30 PM: SO that is why Tipsy travels so much. SHe is diversifying.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 06:14:17 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 07:17:58 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 06:14:17 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 14, 2011, 08:02:48 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 07:17:58 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 06:14:17 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.

Not to mention the Greeks and the Loan Ranger. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 14, 2011, 06:20:52 PM: Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to
discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob asks the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist says, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds. "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We certainly do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Certainly."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this shop for our wedding presents list..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 14, 2011, 07:12:19 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2011, 11:56:53 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 14, 2011, 08:02:48 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 07:17:58 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2011, 06:14:17 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 12, 2011, 04:59:50 AM
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no f***ing hope

Better hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

And P.S. I bet the whole of Ethiopia are shitting it that Anneka Rice don't snuff it.

Not to mention the Greeks and the Loan Ranger. redface:

drumroll: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 17, 2011, 08:26:26 PM: If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then crushed in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received a £214.00 payment from the scrap metal dealer.

Based on the above, without doubt, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 05:31:10 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 17, 2011, 08:26:26 PM
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then crushed in the aluminium cans for recycling, you would have received a £214.00 payment from the scrap metal dealer.

Based on the above, without doubt, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

I'm sure this is an AFFS moment but I can't find it... perhaps it was at the other place.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2011, 06:07:24 AM: Or perhaps you are mistaken scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2011, 06:12:22 AM: Again whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:25:05 AM: I remember debunking getting £1,000 of beer and £214 back for the cans.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:38:11 AM: Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2011, 06:40:53 AM: You are obviously rushed off your feet today point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:42:00 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:38:11 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each.... rubschin:

Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards? ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:45:26 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:42:00 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:38:11 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each.... rubschin:

Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards? ;)

Oh noes... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:52:07 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:45:26 AM
Quote from: Snoopy on October 18, 2011, 06:42:00 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:38:11 AM
Well aluminium cans are worth ~£950 per tonne...

So you'd have to get ~200Kg of cans with your £1,000 of beer for it to be valid...

A can weighs ~15g so you'd have to have bought 13,000 tins of beer with your £1,000 at ~ £0.08p each.... rubschin:

Don't you think this is taking pedantry just a tad too far ..... even by our standards? ;)

Oh noes... lol:

Fair 'nuff :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2011, 07:12:01 AM: Oh BM noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 07:17:55 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on October 18, 2011, 07:12:01 AM
Oh BM noooo: noooo: noooo:

Wha...? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 18, 2011, 05:47:31 PM: "There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 18, 2011, 05:49:13 PM: surrender:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2011, 06:26:56 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on October 18, 2011, 05:47:31 PM
"There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity."

- Unknown

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 21, 2011, 12:37:29 PM: Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says," A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 21, 2011, 01:30:55 PM: And who said women can't tell jokes ;-)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 24, 2011, 08:07:20 AM: Sir Alex Ferguson has responded to the anguish of his fans and offered to provide counselling and support if needed.

A free 24hour helpline has been set up . Anyone affected by yesterday's events should contact 0800 616161
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 29, 2011, 09:08:23 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F76x6tpq4p%2FPremature_Ejaculators_Anonymous.jpg&hash=8265a7f8cc0ec79b37d7c27d05a969b5bfcf8ace) (http://postimage.org/image/76x6tpq4p/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2011, 12:42:40 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 29, 2011, 09:08:23 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F76x6tpq4p%2FPremature_Ejaculators_Anonymous.jpg&hash=8265a7f8cc0ec79b37d7c27d05a969b5bfcf8ace) (http://postimage.org/image/76x6tpq4p/)
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 29, 2011, 09:12:44 PM: What a selfish cunt Jimmy Saville is.
I wrote to that old scrote, asking him to fix it for me to meet Michael Jackson, but he's gone on his own instead..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 29, 2011, 09:29:15 PM: A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

Cunt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2011, 05:09:19 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2011, 09:12:44 PM
What a selfish cunt Jimmy Saville is.
I wrote to that old scrote, asking him to fix it for me to meet Michael Jackson, but he's gone on his own instead..........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 01, 2011, 06:49:20 AM: Out on the golf course four guys are waiting at the mens tee while four women are hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43......................poor sod sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2011, 07:02:19 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 01, 2011, 09:19:43 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg441.imageshack.us%2Fimg441%2F8843%2Fwomenase2.jpg&hash=e943f69521dd24aeb0e058832ce57c2921ea78f6)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 01, 2011, 11:15:35 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on November 01, 2011, 09:19:43 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg441.imageshack.us%2Fimg441%2F8843%2Fwomenase2.jpg&hash=e943f69521dd24aeb0e058832ce57c2921ea78f6)

Why is this in the Comedy Room?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 01, 2011, 11:17:21 AM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on November 01, 2011, 05:10:03 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2011, 11:19:46 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimage.org%2F9dsad8b13%2FWomen_Bacon1.jpg&hash=661969ecffd2512f00fcbdeca0fa7d5539600e7c) (http://postimage.org/image/9dsad8b13/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2011, 07:57:22 PM: A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2011, 08:12:26 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2011, 07:57:22 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 05, 2011, 08:14:14 PM: I thought so too, but it was your turn. It'll be mine soon though whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 05, 2011, 08:14:28 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2011, 07:57:22 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

rubschin: True story
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 06, 2011, 11:31:21 PM: Did you hear, Taunton RFC won the National Guy Fawkes competition!..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 07, 2011, 11:00:13 AM: Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around
the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2011, 11:10:25 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 07, 2011, 11:00:13 AM
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around
the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 07, 2011, 06:19:37 PM: Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73 whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 07, 2011, 06:24:17 PM: I bet you are popular at parties evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2011, 06:24:43 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 07, 2011, 06:19:37 PM
Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73 whistle:

He lied! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 07, 2011, 09:42:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 07, 2011, 06:24:43 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 07, 2011, 06:19:37 PM
Monica Lewinsky - D.O.B 23.07.73 whistle:

He lied! eeek:

Probably thinking of '69.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2011, 08:52:25 AM: Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1tkXHr2y6s#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 08, 2011, 09:23:10 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2F6z6uc10i3%2F312734_10150457690265695_555015694_10606145_56087226_n.jpg&hash=581a8f1773a32a4e6c9220c12e198202e06cd0ec) (http://postimage.org/image/6z6uc10i3/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2011, 08:25:03 PM: Suicide bombers... if you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight when they do the next big computer game release.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2011, 11:26:16 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2011, 08:25:03 PM
Suicide bombers... if you really want to see 70 virgins, then simply pop down to GAME at midnight when they do the next big computer game release.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 12, 2011, 09:24:59 PM: UK's Adele overkill now at critical levels. Scientists estimate one-third of all the sounds you hear are made by Adele.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2011, 07:00:06 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on November 12, 2011, 09:24:59 PM
UK's Adele overkill now at critical levels. Scientists estimate one-third of all the sounds you hear are made by Adele.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 13, 2011, 05:21:56 PM: Hey, the Greek economy is so bad they've had to cut production of humus and taramasalata. Its a double-dip recession.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2011, 05:37:47 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on November 13, 2011, 05:21:56 PM
Hey, the Greek economy is so bad they've had to cut production of humus and taramasalata. Its a double-dip recession.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:30:21 AM: Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in
Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single
lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:36:44 AM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:44:03 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:36:44 AM
:thumbsup:

I thought you would 'AFFS' it... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:49:28 AM: I'm surprised you had time to ~~type~~ copy and paste it, what with you polishing yer bloody coconut like ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2011, 06:51:30 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 14, 2011, 06:49:28 AM
I'm surprised you had time to ~~type~~ copy and paste it, what with you polishing yer bloody coconut like ;)

Golden coconut if you don't mind! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:28:00 PM: I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:31:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:28:00 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:33:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:31:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:28:00 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

eeek:

Keep up......... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:34:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:33:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 19, 2011, 07:31:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2011, 07:28:00 PM
I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard.....

eeek:

Keep up......... ::)

I'm treading water...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 20, 2011, 10:52:21 PM: Jeremy Kyle's 12 Days of Christmas;

12 Cans of Carling
11 DNA tests
10 Dads to choose from
9 teeth between them
8 squeezed in tracksuits
7 stinking smackrats
6 Dunlop trainers
..........5 stolen rings
4 fat slags
3 ugly twats
2 timing dickheads
and a wanker who parades them on TV
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2011, 11:06:30 PM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 07:16:31 AM: There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 23, 2011, 07:18:19 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on November 23, 2011, 07:16:31 AM
There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.

...on that subject

...yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2011, 07:21:38 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 23, 2011, 07:18:19 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on November 23, 2011, 07:16:31 AM
There's lies, damn lies, and estimated downloading times.

...on that subject

...yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

redface:

[groans] lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 23, 2011, 07:23:33 AM: I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 07:24:49 AM: You've been up all night haven't ya ?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 23, 2011, 07:26:15 AM: I've just seen a really sad looking ghost.

He must have been through some things in his life.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 23, 2011, 02:07:14 PM: Your Bad Self - Lemonade sketch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ18TBefhIw#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2011, 02:37:31 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on November 23, 2011, 02:07:14 PM
Your Bad Self - Lemonade sketch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ18TBefhIw#ws)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 24, 2011, 04:54:44 PM: I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2011, 05:48:23 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 24, 2011, 04:54:44 PM
I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.

Wah, wah, wah.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 24, 2011, 06:17:54 PM: Oh come on, BM - it's clean and not racist for a change!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 24, 2011, 06:26:38 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 24, 2011, 06:17:54 PM
Oh come on, BM - it's clean and not racist for a change!

That is why............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 24, 2011, 06:33:21 PM: Oh, O.K. then...

"Doctor, can you cure my insomnia?"

"Of course. We just have to get rid of the root cause."

"Won't be easy - the wife's a bit fond of that fucking baby."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on November 24, 2011, 09:52:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 24, 2011, 05:48:23 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 24, 2011, 04:54:44 PM
I have a feeling my deaf mate is upset about something.

He's started to sign the blues.

Wah, wah, wah.... noooo:

Wah, Wah, Wah..

I think that was his air wah wah pedal that goes with his air guitar...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 25, 2011, 01:15:43 PM: I can't believe Jimmy Carr is in trouble just for making a joke about retarded kids.

My brother is a retard, and when I told him the joke, he shat himself.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2011, 01:21:48 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 25, 2011, 01:15:43 PM
I can't believe Jimmy Carr is in trouble just for making a joke about retarded kids.

My brother is a retard, and when I told him the joke, he shat himself.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2011, 01:56:26 PM: How do you know when you've crossed the border into Wales?

Speed is limited to 42..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2011, 02:03:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2011, 01:56:26 PM
How do you know when you've crossed the border into Wales?

Speed is limited to 42..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2011, 02:11:42 PM: SPEED KILLS........

Himself.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2011, 02:27:00 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 28, 2011, 06:47:01 AM: Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 28, 2011, 06:48:07 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 28, 2011, 06:47:01 AM
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 07:10:55 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 28, 2011, 06:47:01 AM
Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 01:45:39 PM: A Merry Hunt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc5dKqoFtKk#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:15:49 PM: lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2011, 02:29:42 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:15:49 PM
lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in scared2:

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2011, 02:37:06 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:15:49 PM
lol: lol: lol:

I do hope Wenchy doesn't pop in scared2:

You were going to post some pictures of her popping out weren't you?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on November 28, 2011, 02:47:51 PM: As if angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 29, 2011, 07:51:37 PM: Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs (29.11.73), I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 29, 2011, 08:15:43 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 29, 2011, 07:51:37 PM
Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs (29.11.73), I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 01, 2011, 12:42:42 PM: Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.

To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.

I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

Me: "What's that smell?"

Wife: "I can't smell anything"

Me: "Neither can I, get that fucking cooker on"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2011, 12:44:39 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 01, 2011, 11:57:09 PM: The women arrested for racism on the tram learned a valuable lesson in life id like to think.....

Don't ring John Terry to have chat while your in public..............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 02, 2011, 03:00:14 PM: Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on December 02, 2011, 09:20:55 PM: A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 02, 2011, 10:00:33 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on December 02, 2011, 09:20:55 PM
A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.
lol: lol: lol: worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2011, 07:42:25 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on December 02, 2011, 09:20:55 PM
A pedant walks into a bar. Well, it's a restaurant with a bar. Technically it's a brewpub since it has an onsite microbrewery.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 04, 2011, 05:21:56 PM: I was in a Garden centre with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says "You know you're the most lazy bastard I have ever met ..." Well I don't mind telling you, I nearly fell out of the wheelbarrow...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2011, 06:01:37 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on December 04, 2011, 05:21:56 PM
I was in a Garden centre with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says "You know you're the most lazy bastard I have ever met ..." Well I don't mind telling you, I nearly fell out of the wheelbarrow...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 04, 2011, 06:57:04 PM: I had to take my Madeleine McCann Advent calendar back........

All the doors were left open , and there wasn't even an infant in the manger !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2011, 07:00:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 04, 2011, 06:57:04 PM
I had to take my Madeleine McCann Advent calendar back........

All the doors were left open , and there wasn't even an infant in the manger !

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM: All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 03:13:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on December 06, 2011, 04:23:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:

though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 05:03:56 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 04:23:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:

though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#)

Feck off! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on December 06, 2011, 05:25:24 PM: sorry......maybe you prefer this one.... whistle:

Coming Out at Christmas - London Gay Men's Chorus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWPMkDDAb7w#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 05:25:55 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 05:25:24 PM
sorry......maybe you prefer this one.... whistle:

Coming Out at Christmas - London Gay Men's Chorus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWPMkDDAb7w#)
Bugger off! censored:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on December 06, 2011, 06:29:57 PM: betterer?..... whistle:

Violet Sexy Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vHb43N5YZo#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2011, 06:32:54 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 06:29:57 PM
betterer?..... whistle:

Violet Sexy Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vHb43N5YZo#)

That'll do! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 06, 2011, 06:32:55 PM: She's a bit fat. noooo:

Must be all those lollipops noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 07, 2011, 09:33:18 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bitterwallet.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F12%2F461912704-1.jpg&hash=4ca9bd4691348bdd7c9b12e23e0650056197ea0f)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 07, 2011, 09:44:55 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First class) on December 06, 2011, 06:32:55 PM
She's a bit fat. noooo:

Must be all those lollipops noooo:

Fat??? Take yer reading glasses off man...she's just right...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 05:22:44 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on December 07, 2011, 09:33:18 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bitterwallet.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F12%2F461912704-1.jpg&hash=4ca9bd4691348bdd7c9b12e23e0650056197ea0f)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 08:20:49 AM: A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....

I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 09:21:21 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 08:20:49 AM
A few friends got together and bought me a Christmas sweater.....

I'd have preferred a screamer or a moaner but you can't have everything can you..........

Hardly credible... ::)

We all know you haven't got any friends... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 03:20:55 PM: I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2011, 03:22:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 08, 2011, 03:20:55 PM
I went for my first real check up today and the man cupped my bollocks and told me to cough.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"I feel like I need to change dentists mate." I replied...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 13, 2011, 07:11:51 PM: Funny Banned Commercial by IKEA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYTQSqmjluk#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2011, 07:13:34 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 13, 2011, 07:11:51 PM
Funny Banned Commercial by IKEA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYTQSqmjluk#)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on December 14, 2011, 04:16:16 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 04:23:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:

though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#)

I know that this did the rounds last Christmas but IMO deserves a second viewing.

The 12 Gays of Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSedhEoutP0#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2011, 06:54:35 PM: Quote from: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on December 14, 2011, 04:16:16 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on December 06, 2011, 04:23:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2011, 03:04:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2011, 01:51:29 PM
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc#ws)

Excellent! :thumbsup:

Gayer............ noooo:

though BM might like this one..... whistle:

Gay XMas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6HlFEESDhU#)

I know that this did the rounds last Christmas but IMO deserves a second viewing.

The 12 Gays of Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSedhEoutP0#)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 14, 2011, 09:19:23 PM: Tipsy been in yet? scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 14, 2011, 09:38:29 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 14, 2011, 09:19:23 PM
Tipsy been in yet? scared2:

She left just before you came in.

I thought she might have passed you on her way to the Ladies.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2011, 01:17:32 PM: Nothing says, "Sorry I ran over your daughter"
No, seriously, nothing.
Not even Moonpig.com
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 19, 2011, 06:41:31 AM: Don't you just love it when wimmin do this lol:

Guess (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUF5nJt4cD8#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 19, 2011, 06:44:11 AM: Gubbed Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2011, 06:45:10 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2011, 06:44:11 AM
Gubbed Banghead

Fixed angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2011, 06:47:52 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on December 19, 2011, 06:41:31 AM
Don't you just love it when wimmin do this lol:

Guess (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUF5nJt4cD8#ws)

happy001

Reminds me of the Dave Allen joke... cept it was a gas mask in that one....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 20, 2011, 10:48:51 AM: UNCLASSIFIED
Christmas Health and Safety.

Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols later in the month, the following are some things to consider from an occupational health and safety point of view:-

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey.
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings.
We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar.
Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed

That's enough ..... quick .... call the Social Services.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2011, 10:51:08 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 08:56:31 AM: http://youtu.be/ah5xFMYbP4s (http://youtu.be/ah5xFMYbP4s)

As it is Xmas... Xmas5:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:04:03 AM: Well ~ That's you off Santa's list then. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 09:13:55 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:04:03 AM
Well ~ That's you off Santa's list then. whistle:

Xmas3:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:18:21 AM: You can't have it both ways. Either you believe in Christmas and therefore celebrate the birth of Christ or you don't in which case why the present giving and celebration ..... other than pure greed that is? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 23, 2011, 09:19:30 AM: Christmas is to do with Christ shocked003

Well I never noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 23, 2011, 09:21:13 AM: Another one on the pure greed list eh? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 23, 2011, 09:24:22 AM: Oh noes ...I am giver lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 09:30:27 AM: Greed for me! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2011, 12:59:23 PM: [Ant Smasher] Pacman Frog catch some touch screen bugs. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbNl3J8HXw4#)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2011, 11:38:11 AM: http://youtu.be/5YW0Z6WIgXI (http://youtu.be/5YW0Z6WIgXI)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 04, 2012, 03:13:16 PM: My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.

Mainly in her sister's arse.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 04, 2012, 03:14:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 04, 2012, 03:13:16 PM
My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.

Mainly in her sister's arse.......

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 04, 2012, 05:33:57 PM: The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 04, 2012, 06:27:45 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 04, 2012, 05:33:57 PM
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 04, 2012, 10:52:54 PM: I apologise in advance,.......... redface:

Why didn't Stephen Lawrence cross the road?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2012, 07:25:10 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 05, 2012, 10:27:46 AM: I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2012, 10:29:05 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 05, 2012, 10:27:46 AM
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 06, 2012, 10:01:21 AM: How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say "What's that?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2012, 10:16:07 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 06, 2012, 10:01:21 AM
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say "What's that?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 06, 2012, 10:50:07 AM: One for Tipsy

How To Fake French (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edYHlnhxyOI#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2012, 10:55:26 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on January 06, 2012, 10:50:07 AM
One for Tipsy

How To Fake French (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edYHlnhxyOI#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 06, 2012, 10:04:45 PM: A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 08:13:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 06, 2012, 10:04:45 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[groans]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 12:07:09 PM: Skydiving LEGO Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIn-vCEeomE#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 07, 2012, 01:08:16 PM: My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."

I said, "Who's that?"

She said, "He was in Blockbusters."

I said, "Fuck me, how long was the queue?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2012, 01:22:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 07, 2012, 01:08:16 PM
My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."

I said, "Who's that?"

She said, "He was in Blockbusters."

I said, "Fuck me, how long was the queue?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 08, 2012, 02:24:25 PM: Does Sean Connery like Herbs?

Yes, but only partially.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 08, 2012, 02:28:42 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 08, 2012, 02:24:25 PM
Does Sean Connery like Herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2012, 07:30:04 PM: A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland" (http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 10, 2012, 07:51:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 10, 2012, 07:30:04 PM
A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland" (http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/)

;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 11, 2012, 08:54:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 10, 2012, 07:30:04 PM
A bit different from, "Mum's gone to Iceland" (http://www.japansubculture.com/2012/01/its-no-ordinary-sale-its-a-fuckin-sale/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2012, 03:14:44 AM: It is nice to see Natasha Giggs in big brother..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2012, 06:26:35 AM: Is the Thatcher film rated PG because it's not suitable for miners?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 13, 2012, 07:04:20 AM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 13, 2012, 08:31:50 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 13, 2012, 06:26:35 AM
Is the Thatcher film rated PG because it's not suitable for miners?
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 15, 2012, 10:30:13 AM: What’s the name of Zippy’s wife ?
Mississippi

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2012, 10:35:37 AM: [groans]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 16, 2012, 01:43:19 PM: Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2012, 04:24:48 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 16, 2012, 01:43:19 PM
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

lol: lol: lol:

I thought it was going to be the 'Hans that do dishes...' joke! redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: bodiam on January 17, 2012, 12:58:35 PM: Lionel Richie has cancelled his latest tour which was to be on a cruise liner. Apparently ''Dancing on the ceiling'' does not have the same appeal any more
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2012, 02:15:31 PM: Quote from: bodiam on January 17, 2012, 12:58:35 PM
Lionel Richie has cancelled his latest tour which was to be on a cruise liner. Apparently ''Dancing on the ceiling'' does not have the same appeal any more

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2012, 09:23:20 PM: Attention passengers this is your captain, We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky and to our starboard you'll see the old Italian navy................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 18, 2012, 05:01:05 AM: Just bought a lottery ticket to win a cruise round the mediterranean,

last weeks was a rollover..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2012, 08:01:59 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2012, 04:56:14 PM: Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar. They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.

In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .

I phoned a toy shop earlier. "Do you have any Airfix models of Italian Cruise liners?" I asked.
"Yes, we've got one in stock" says the assistant.
"Excellent" says I. "Can you put it on one side for me?"

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2012, 06:06:53 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 21, 2012, 04:56:14 PM
Divers searching the stricken liner Costa Concordia have found two Glaswegians in the bar. They told the divers to f*ck off, they're on All Inclusive.

In bed watching the telly . There was a bulletin about the Costa Concordia and the presenter mentioned that it was lying on it's side with a gash the size of a tennis court . I just happened to glance at the wife . Boy did she kick off .

I phoned a toy shop earlier. "Do you have any Airfix models of Italian Cruise liners?" I asked.
"Yes, we've got one in stock" says the assistant.
"Excellent" says I. "Can you put it on one side for me?"

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

redface: redface: redface:

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 21, 2012, 07:10:12 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 21, 2012, 04:56:14 PM
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying . . .
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising...

eeek:

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 22, 2012, 11:44:53 AM: I told my wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage"

She said "Are you having me on ?"

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2012, 11:45:41 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 22, 2012, 11:44:53 AM
I told my wife "I've got a new job having sex, live on stage"

She said "Are you having me on ?"

I replied "I'll ask my boss, but so far they've all been thin and pretty"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 22, 2012, 11:46:17 AM: happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 22, 2012, 11:47:13 AM: I bought the wife a Smart car

It keeps hiding from her.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2012, 11:49:57 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on January 22, 2012, 11:47:13 AM
I bought the wife a Smart car

It keeps hiding from her.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 22, 2012, 04:51:16 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on January 22, 2012, 11:47:13 AM
I bought the wife a Smart car

It keeps hiding from her.

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 26, 2012, 11:59:15 PM: Latest news from the African Nations Cup :
6 stone 2 pounds Ugandan striker Bobo Umfoofoo was visibly upset during last nights game after chants from the Somalian crowd of "You fat bastard" and "Who ate all the flies"........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2012, 11:35:02 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 26, 2012, 11:59:15 PM
Latest news from the African Nations Cup :
6 stone 2 pounds Ugandan striker Bobo Umfoofoo was visibly upset during last nights game after chants from the Somalian crowd of "You fat bastard" and "Who ate all the flies"........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 07:30:35 AM: http://youtu.be/5JYzbzqYzm0 (http://youtu.be/5JYzbzqYzm0)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:05:30 PM: Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink. The average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on , even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:06:15 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on January 28, 2012, 09:05:30 PM
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink. The average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on , even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning.

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:09:57 PM: See ..I knew you'd appreciate me giving you the opportunity to repeat your favourite sayings lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:12:55 PM: Oh yes... most appreciative like.... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 28, 2012, 09:16:08 PM: Is it time for your Abba joke yet ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2012, 09:17:23 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on January 28, 2012, 09:16:08 PM
Is it time for your Abba joke yet ?

I doubt it... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 10:13:40 AM: http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418308_2225560937993_1816875127_1418140_1911390524_n.jpg (http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418308_2225560937993_1816875127_1418140_1911390524_n.jpg)

Peg leg legs Bailey :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 10:15:22 AM: Jailhouse Parker point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 31, 2012, 10:21:21 AM: Miss D is Pretty Lee ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 31, 2012, 10:21:54 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on January 31, 2012, 10:15:22 AM
Jailhouse Parker point: point: point: point: point:

Jailhouse Lemon Parker to you! evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 31, 2012, 04:05:27 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 31, 2012, 10:21:21 AM
Miss D is Pretty Lee ;D

Pretty Fingers Lee achoooly lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 04:22:25 PM: Pastis is Boney Hips Bailey happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on January 31, 2012, 04:33:10 PM: sad32: I wish. I once knew a saxophone player called Snake Hips rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 31, 2012, 05:29:15 PM: Red Liver McGee eeek: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 05:29:57 PM: Spot on :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 06:26:16 PM: Mrs Nick is Jailhouse Gumbo Bailey :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 31, 2012, 06:51:18 PM: Ugly Rivers
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 31, 2012, 06:52:05 PM: I'd see a doctor about that
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 31, 2012, 10:04:03 PM: Sircumcision = having your knighthood removed
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 31, 2012, 10:54:38 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on January 31, 2012, 10:04:03 PM
Sircumcision = having your knighthood removed
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 01, 2012, 06:09:25 AM: Seems a bit unjoust to me...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2012, 06:53:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 01, 2012, 06:09:25 AM
Seems a bit unjoust to me...

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2012, 11:14:24 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 01, 2012, 06:09:25 AM
Seems a bit unjoust to me...

lol: lol: lol:

I expect they will lance a lot more boils now.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 03, 2012, 05:31:30 PM: I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2012, 05:33:47 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2012, 10:58:08 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 03, 2012, 05:31:30 PM
I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 06, 2012, 12:51:58 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 03, 2012, 05:31:30 PM
I've just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 06, 2012, 03:35:30 PM: Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 06, 2012, 03:39:17 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on February 06, 2012, 03:35:30 PM
Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Wtf............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 06, 2012, 03:40:22 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on February 06, 2012, 03:35:30 PM
Quote
Ic eom wunderlicu wiht wifum on hyhte
neahbuendum nyt; nægum sceþþe
burgsittendra nymthe bonan anum.
Staþol min is steapheah stonde ic on bedde
neoðan ruh nathwær. Neþeð hwilum
ful cyrtenu ceorles dohtor
modwlonc meowle þæt heo on mec gripe
ræseð mec on reodne reafath min heafod
fegeð mec on fæsten. Feleþ sona
mines gemotes seo þe mec nearwað
wif wundenlocc. Wæt bið þæt eage.
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Oh not THAT old one again ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 06, 2012, 06:14:30 PM: whacky115 whacky115 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 06, 2012, 08:22:22 PM: I told my girlfriend I had a cock like a computer. She rolled her eyes at me and sarcastically asked if it was because it had lots of ram and a hard drive.

Oh the surprise she got when she found out it was actually microsoft and full of viruses whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 04:55:07 PM: Specially for TMR

Nobody leans like the ITALIANS

Fabrizio
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimage.org%2Fnn49r2zy9%2Fimage001.jpg&hash=9e3acf995e6046295f2ca364ae1ba58024cb83af) (http://postimage.org/image/nn49r2zy9/)

Rossi
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fkicka7x4r%2Fimage002.jpg&hash=f2fed6f369fe953bd85d9850b2f1f197a0c4a6fa) (http://postimage.org/image/kicka7x4r/)

Biaggi
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimage.org%2Flklvd8ped%2Fimage003.jpg&hash=e501844becc08096df0062f21c8a39aa85bbaf19) (http://postimage.org/image/lklvd8ped/)

Schettino
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2F4xcqtpo4t%2Fimage004.jpg&hash=3960f98c218d1abc1a045eafd4e14b57e2fab3fc) (http://postimage.org/image/4xcqtpo4t/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 07, 2012, 05:17:42 PM: Tell him, BM...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 05:30:30 PM: Shrugs: AFFS? Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ... whistle: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 07, 2012, 08:00:32 PM: Quote from: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 05:30:30 PM
Shrugs: AFFS? Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ... whistle: angel1

I was sent it too - and I sent it to BM. I couldn't be arsed to save each picture individually and then re-post it all individually here. Thanks for doing it for me :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2012, 08:10:43 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 07, 2012, 08:00:32 PM
Quote from: Pastis on February 07, 2012, 05:30:30 PM
Shrugs: AFFS? Or summat to do with Italians?

I was sent it ... whistle: angel1

I was sent it too - and I sent it to BM. I couldn't be arsed to save each picture individually and then re-post it all individually here. Thanks for doing it for me :thumbsup:

He's right... sent it to me days ago.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2012, 08:49:36 PM: Is this some sort of Affs by proxy rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2012, 08:51:57 PM: You now have to be TelepAFFic :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 07, 2012, 08:53:47 PM: Miss D seems bored this evening. Praps she ought to start a thread about annoying adverts whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 07, 2012, 08:55:14 PM: lol:

I feckin hate that advert cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 07, 2012, 09:22:25 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor ( Special needs) on February 07, 2012, 08:51:57 PM
You now have to be TelepAFFic :thumbsup:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2012, 11:13:48 PM: John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 09, 2012, 11:24:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2012, 11:13:48 PM
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............

noooo:

happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2012, 10:21:55 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2012, 11:13:48 PM
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it...............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2012, 11:00:28 PM: President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 10, 2012, 11:06:42 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 10, 2012, 11:00:28 PM
President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2012, 07:17:38 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 10, 2012, 11:00:28 PM
President Obama decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Obama says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 11, 2012, 07:27:16 AM: Thought so redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2012, 07:28:16 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 11, 2012, 07:27:16 AM
Thought so redface:

Tsk, tsk... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 12, 2012, 07:52:59 AM: RIP Whitney, Eastenders will never be the same lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2012, 08:04:34 AM: whooosh!!!!

(that's the sound of that joke passing me by.)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2012, 01:03:41 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2F9bvsj6uvb%2F425914_375662262463233_205344452828349_1386689_1690756884_n.jpg&hash=a63c2b287195bbde379fef6cb86eaac1fb34250e) (http://postimage.org/image/9bvsj6uvb/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2012, 01:58:55 PM: Whitney Houston to star in her new film.

The Bodybag........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 12, 2012, 05:01:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2012, 01:58:55 PM
Whitney Houston to star in her new film.

The Bodybag........

sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 12, 2012, 10:04:19 PM: Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:00:52 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanor on February 12, 2012, 10:04:19 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on February 13, 2012, 01:04:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:00:52 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on February 12, 2012, 10:04:19 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day whistle:

Happy001

You seem to be struggling wiv yer Tablet. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:07:04 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on February 13, 2012, 01:04:25 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2012, 01:00:52 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanor on February 12, 2012, 10:04:19 PM
Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day whistle:

Happy001

You seem to be struggling wiv yer Tablet. noooo:

I am a bit... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 13, 2012, 10:48:10 PM: I saw a guy lying unconscious in my street today. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert but by the time I'd found my Bee Gee's CD the poor bastard was already dead.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 14, 2012, 06:17:47 AM: It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2012, 11:28:22 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 14, 2012, 06:17:47 AM
It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.

;D ;D redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2012, 12:18:19 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 14, 2012, 06:17:47 AM
It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 15, 2012, 03:13:35 PM: I can't believe drinking costs the NHS £2.7bn a year.

I'm definitely going to their Christmas party :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2012, 01:49:06 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 15, 2012, 03:13:35 PM
I can't believe drinking costs the NHS £2.7bn a year.

I'm definitely going to their Christmas party :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 18, 2012, 11:52:10 AM: Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 22, 2012, 10:28:08 PM: Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 22, 2012, 10:30:41 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 22, 2012, 10:28:08 PM
Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2012, 04:58:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 22, 2012, 10:28:08 PM
Just got back from Thailand and came so close to shagging a ladyboy..........
Looked like a lady,
walked like a lady,
talked like a lady
even kissed like a lady!!!!!

It wasn't until she drove us to her place and reversed into a spot first time I thought........f**king hang on!!!!!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 04, 2012, 08:31:15 PM: I bought a pair of shoes from TK MAXX the other day. They were reduced from £159 to just £19.99. I didn't like them very much and they weren't my size. And I haven't got any legs after I had a road accident last year, but I just can't resist a bargain.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 04, 2012, 08:32:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 04, 2012, 08:31:15 PM
I bought a pair of shoes from TK MAXX the other day. They were reduced from £159 to just £19.99. I didn't like them very much and they weren't my size. And I haven't got any legs after I had a road accident last year, but I just can't resist a bargain.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 05, 2012, 04:36:51 PM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/04/costa-coffee-opens-branch-in-mans-bedroom/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/04/costa-coffee-opens-branch-in-mans-bedroom/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 05, 2012, 06:20:32 PM: Like rats in London, it’s our ambition that you will never be more than five metres from a Costa coffee shop

Too true to be funny.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:03:05 AM: Penguins very funny (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi_TQ_cg1e8#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:08:13 AM: Leon by Studio Hari (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 06, 2012, 08:18:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:08:13 AM
Leon by Studio Hari (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws)

whatimage:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:22:38 AM: Quote from: Pirate on March 06, 2012, 08:18:52 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2012, 08:08:13 AM
Leon by Studio Hari (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR5MDhvcGmate#ws)

whatimage:

I can see it... click the link if you can't.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 06, 2012, 09:06:23 AM: Quote
The video you have requested is not available.

If you have recently uploaded this video, you may need to wait a few minutes for the video to process.
Sorry about that.
You Tube

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2012, 09:34:59 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on March 06, 2012, 09:06:23 AM
Quote
The video you have requested is not available.

If you have recently uploaded this video, you may need to wait a few minutes for the video to process.
Sorry about that.
You Tube

evil:

Arse! redface:

Try this...

Leon the lion - Big Crush (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrTdCaYjEAQ#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 10, 2012, 09:56:20 AM: http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html][url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html (http://[url)[/url]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2012, 10:13:40 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 10, 2012, 09:56:20 AM
[url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html][url]http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html (http://[url=http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html)[/url]

gubbed.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2012, 10:14:55 AM: Did you mean this? (http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2012/03/power-of-knob-gag.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 14, 2012, 05:33:11 AM: http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ (http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 14, 2012, 09:00:09 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on March 14, 2012, 05:33:11 AM
http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ (http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Having undergone what is basically the same procedure, I can verify most of that! I did NOT, thankfully, encounter Agent Picolax - in my case they relied on good old fashioned warm water.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 12:25:48 PM: Jock goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Jock says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th"

"Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2012, 12:34:36 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:16:04 PM: As it's the Ides of March:

Roman citizen walks into a bar:

Bartender: What'll you have
Roman citizen: I'll have a martinus
Bartener: Don't you mean a martini?
Roman citizen: If I wanted more than one, I'd have said so...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM: rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 15, 2012, 09:22:21 PM: Not a chance with me ....I am Chief Stoopid of Stoopidville redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:27:54 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:30:22 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:

A Bartender after a couple of drinks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:30:57 PM: Quote from: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:27:54 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
et spiritus sancti
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:32:43 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:30:22 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:

A Bartender after a couple of drinks.

We know who you mean. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:40:10 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:30:57 PM
Quote from: Pirate on March 15, 2012, 09:27:54 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 15, 2012, 09:24:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 15, 2012, 09:17:45 PM
rubschin:

Most here will not get that and I await adjudication from DS

I think you have a different agendum.

P.S. What is a Bartener? whistle:

Still looking for Jominus
et spiritus sancti

et Virgine Maria
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2012, 09:47:16 PM: Steeleye Span - Gaudete (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjU3TPyH7YQ#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM: Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2012, 12:18:43 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
Adamant

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2012, 12:20:39 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus.

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 16, 2012, 07:44:42 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2012, 12:20:39 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus.

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.

As we used to say at school:
"Latin is a language as dead as dead can be.
It killed off all the Romans and now it's killing me!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 16, 2012, 08:38:16 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2012, 12:20:39 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 15, 2012, 11:47:43 PM
Amo
Amas
Amant
Amatus
Amanus
Amant
3/6 doh:

Until now, there was no "n" in amat, no "u" in amatis and two "m"s in amamus.

You shall henceforth be known as the origin of the "anus" in amamus.

I bow to your superior knowledge of the arcane sir!

How are you with Ouija boards?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 16, 2012, 08:44:06 AM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#!)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 16, 2012, 08:49:31 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 16, 2012, 09:33:00 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 16, 2012, 08:44:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#!)

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2012, 11:35:30 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 16, 2012, 08:44:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#!)

Left handed...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 16, 2012, 11:38:24 AM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on March 16, 2012, 11:47:12 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2012, 11:35:30 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 16, 2012, 08:44:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ktGlqNBXI&feature=player_embedded#!)

Left handed...? rubschin:

Which is why he can't draw the letter S on one of them. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 16, 2012, 09:21:41 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 14, 2012, 09:00:09 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on March 14, 2012, 05:33:11 AM
http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/ (http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Having undergone what is basically the same procedure, I can verify most of that! I did NOT, thankfully, encounter Agent Picolax - in my case they relied on good old fashioned warm water.

Wot he said, no Picolax for me either but bog standard (see what I did there) enema.

Wonderfully descriptive happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 18, 2012, 03:12:16 PM: Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 18, 2012, 03:13:29 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2012, 03:34:16 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on March 18, 2012, 03:12:16 PM
Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 18, 2012, 05:03:53 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 18, 2012, 06:10:03 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on March 18, 2012, 03:12:16 PM
Y
I Y
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I

A Geordie eye test
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 02:41:04 PM: Dementia quiz

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1 NANA,2. NENE,3.. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 02:47:33 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:01:31 PM: Can we assume you did not achieve 100% BM?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:10:03 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:01:31 PM
Can we assume you did not achieve 100% BM?

yes
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:22:42 PM: So, which onedi you get right (or nearly right)?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:24:10 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:22:42 PM
So, which onedi you get right (or nearly right)?

5,000 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:29:02 PM: That's the only one you got right? Well, I relly don't know how to break this to you BM, but 5,000 is not the right answer ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 03:50:14 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 19, 2012, 03:29:02 PM
That's the only one you got right? Well, I relly don't know how to break this to you BM, but 5,000 is not the right answer ::)

Oh noes - that was the one I got wrong like.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on March 19, 2012, 06:05:27 PM: I only got two right... redface:
Love these quizzes though...more please!!! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 06:06:50 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on March 19, 2012, 06:05:27 PM
I only got two right... redface:
Love these quizzes though...more please!!! :thumbsup:

You're insatiable aintchya? eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on March 19, 2012, 06:19:58 PM: yeah baby! ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2012, 06:21:07 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on March 19, 2012, 06:19:58 PM
yeah baby! ;)

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2012, 07:10:29 PM: "Are you a parking ticket" I said to a Chinese girl in the pub last night.

"Why, because I've got fine written all over me?"

"No," I replied, "because you're an annoying yellow c**t."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2012, 04:01:38 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2012, 07:10:29 PM
"Are you a parking ticket" I said to a Chinese girl in the pub last night.

"Why, because I've got fine written all over me?"

"No," I replied, "because you're an annoying yellow c**t."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 29, 2012, 12:06:44 PM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/18/mps-in-poorer-parts-of-uk-to-be-paid-less/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/03/18/mps-in-poorer-parts-of-uk-to-be-paid-less/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 31, 2012, 09:23:52 PM: Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No - Its going in the lounge"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 01, 2012, 09:23:03 AM: Quote from: Pirate on March 31, 2012, 09:23:52 PM
Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No - Its going in the lounge"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 03, 2012, 09:31:42 PM: A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 04, 2012, 06:59:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 03, 2012, 09:31:42 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2012, 07:01:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 03, 2012, 09:31:42 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM: My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 06, 2012, 08:59:25 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 06, 2012, 12:08:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........

nonono: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 06, 2012, 01:52:48 PM: Sounds like yer telescope might be seeing Uranus APC point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 06, 2012, 01:57:52 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 06, 2012, 01:52:48 PM
Sounds like yer telescope might be seeing Uranus APC point:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2012, 10:04:00 AM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/04/03/isle-of-wight-residents-run-in-fear-at-sight-of-man-in-electric-wheelchair/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2012/04/03/isle-of-wight-residents-run-in-fear-at-sight-of-man-in-electric-wheelchair/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 07, 2012, 10:17:15 AM: lol:

I meant to post this one from Newsbiscuit the other week (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/?s=huey+lewis) lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2012, 10:26:10 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 07, 2012, 10:17:15 AM
lol:

I meant to post this one from Newsbiscuit the other week (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/?s=huey+lewis) lol:

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2012, 10:46:56 AM: Q. What is black...........and white all over?

A The Pakistan Army !!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 10, 2012, 05:36:47 AM: Unannounced, Angela Merkel arrives at border control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies ... somewhat put out that she hasn't been recognised.

"Occupation?" he asks.

"No," she replies ... "just here for a few days ..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 10, 2012, 05:41:11 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 10, 2012, 07:28:30 AM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2012, 12:25:51 PM: I took my parents to the zoo to see the new monkeys they've got there. I burst out laughing as one of them pressed themselves against the glass and started masturbating, while the one behind started to fling shit at him. That was hilarious, I thought, but I should really get them back to the care home.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 10, 2012, 12:26:34 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 10, 2012, 12:25:51 PM
I took my parents to the zoo to see the new monkeys they've got there. I burst out laughing as one of them pressed themselves against the glass and started masturbating, while the one behind started to fling shit at him. That was hilarious, I thought, but I should really get them back to the care home.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on April 10, 2012, 06:58:26 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 06, 2012, 12:08:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........

nonono: noooo:

Its that BM delinquent Miss T, he's a bad influence lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2012, 07:00:13 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on April 10, 2012, 06:58:26 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 06, 2012, 12:08:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........

nonono: noooo:

Its that BM delinquent Miss T, he's a bad influence lol:

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2012, 06:51:52 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 10, 2012, 07:00:13 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on April 10, 2012, 06:58:26 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 06, 2012, 12:08:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 06, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.

I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.........

nonono: noooo:

Its that BM delinquent Miss T, he's a bad influence lol:

:thumbsup:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 11, 2012, 11:24:19 AM: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/1793927/New-book-has-funniest-misprints-Martin-Toseland-A-Steroid-Hit-The-Earth.html (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/1793927/New-book-has-funniest-misprints-Martin-Toseland-A-Steroid-Hit-The-Earth.html)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 12, 2012, 12:17:04 PM: "You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2012, 02:21:51 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on April 12, 2012, 12:17:04 PM
"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 12, 2012, 10:31:02 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on April 12, 2012, 12:17:04 PM
"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2012, 07:41:40 PM: The wife has left me because, of my obsession with Big Brother.

Orwell...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2012, 07:52:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 13, 2012, 07:41:40 PM
The wife has left me because, of my obsession with Big Brother.

Orwell...........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 13, 2012, 08:12:32 PM: Trenton! Trenton! Oh, Jesus Christ! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYy4z2uky5M#ws)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2012, 08:14:08 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 13, 2012, 08:12:32 PM
Trenton! Trenton! Oh, Jesus Christ! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYy4z2uky5M#ws)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2012, 08:15:47 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 13, 2012, 08:12:32 PM
Trenton! Trenton! Oh, Jesus Christ! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYy4z2uky5M#ws)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2012, 08:19:51 PM: noooo: noooo: noooo:

Affs

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=10699.msg350487#new (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=10699.msg350487#new)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 13, 2012, 08:20:40 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 13, 2012, 08:21:31 PM: My wife doesn't agree with our son having girlfriends at the age of 12.

I'm not surprised to be honest, he's 28.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2012, 08:22:18 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 13, 2012, 08:19:51 PM
noooo: noooo: noooo:

Affs

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=10699.msg350487#new (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=10699.msg350487#new)

rubschin:

I'll allow AFFS on this occasion.... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 13, 2012, 08:23:15 PM: cloud9: cloud9: cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2012, 08:25:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 13, 2012, 08:21:31 PM
My wife doesn't agree with our son having girlfriends at the age of 12.

I'm not surprised to be honest, he's 28.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 14, 2012, 10:36:04 AM: Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive [Version 1] (Video) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY#)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 14, 2012, 10:50:08 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 14, 2012, 10:36:04 AM
Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive [Version 1] (Video) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY#)

whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 15, 2012, 06:09:00 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 14, 2012, 10:36:04 AM
Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive [Version 1] (Video) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY#)

whistle:

I wondered what Barman was laughing about yesterday, but have now seen the news

lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2012, 06:12:47 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 15, 2012, 06:09:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 14, 2012, 10:36:04 AM
Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive [Version 1] (Video) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY#)

whistle:

I wondered what Barman was laughing about yesterday, but have now seen the news

lol: redface:

lol: lol: lol:

I thought it was going to be a trick video too... redface:

After a minute of shrieking I realised how apc's brain 'works' and looked up Bee Gees on Google! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 15, 2012, 06:34:16 AM: Googling for the Bee Gees, that's gotta be worse than having porn in yer internet history noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2012, 08:00:15 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 15, 2012, 06:34:16 AM
Googling for the Bee Gees, that's gotta be worse than having porn in yer internet history noooo:

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 18, 2012, 10:52:40 AM: As the rain pelted down on us, my brother looked at me and said, "What the fuck are you wearing?"

"What? This?" I said, sporting a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops. "It's this bloody weather. It was nice and sunny when I came out!"

He shook his head and was about to give me one of his lectures when I was saved by the music.

"Come on you soft bastard," I said. "Dad's coffin isn't gonna carry itself!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2012, 11:35:51 AM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2012, 08:07:05 AM: A man is driving down the road when he sees a sign saying 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden, so he goes round the back and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Certainly do,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to serve my country so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' he says.

'Ten quid? But this dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 21, 2012, 08:41:38 AM: That's so old it has nasal hair noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2012, 08:44:39 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on April 21, 2012, 08:41:38 AM
That's so old it has nasal hair noooo:

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 21, 2012, 09:03:32 AM: One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblin replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the dwarf "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 21, 2012, 07:51:37 PM: Britain is officially in a drought.

Let's see how many fucking africans send two quid a month...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2012, 05:40:28 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 21, 2012, 07:51:37 PM
Britain is officially in a drought.

Let's see how many fucking africans send two quid a month...........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 23, 2012, 11:59:44 AM: Subject: Three clever Ads by a Belgian Bus company.

De Lijn - 'Ants' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slCRDW5kShU#ws)

De Lijn - Crabs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuVPnW0s3Vo#ws)

De Lijn - Pinguins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBnvGS4u3F0#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 23, 2012, 12:02:04 PM: lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 24, 2012, 12:57:34 PM: Apparently there was some stiff competition in the marathon on Sunday..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2012, 01:00:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 24, 2012, 12:57:34 PM

Apparently there was some stiff competition in the marathon on Sunday..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 24, 2012, 01:11:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 24, 2012, 01:00:11 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 24, 2012, 12:57:34 PM

Apparently there was some stiff competition in the marathon on Sunday..........

lol: lol: lol:

And you can stop that snickering BM! Right now!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 28, 2012, 01:30:07 PM: http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 28, 2012, 01:39:00 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 28, 2012, 01:30:07 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 28, 2012, 01:39:27 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 28, 2012, 01:30:07 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 28, 2012, 02:24:13 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 28, 2012, 01:30:07 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

lol: lol: lol: lol:

I take it this is the reason for your own recent and painful obsession with sausages?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 28, 2012, 04:26:27 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001

My sides ache (just me sides like)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 28, 2012, 04:28:34 PM: Sheer brilliance lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on April 28, 2012, 04:46:24 PM: Excellent! lol: lol: lol:

But Nick, you need to explain how you came across the review ... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 28, 2012, 05:07:18 PM: A friend sent it to me
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 28, 2012, 05:13:24 PM: A friend you say char048
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 28, 2012, 05:18:25 PM: So boys, how do you manage yours ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on April 28, 2012, 05:24:22 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.smartlocalshoppers.com%2Fuploads%2Fqrcode%2Fstores%2F1069.png&hash=cf878a36b259291088ef0171f9a1052ed3ad73ee) whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 28, 2012, 05:30:22 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 28, 2012, 05:18:25 PM
So boys, how do you manage yours ?

Manage?

You can get grants for leaving wildlife habitats just as they are.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 28, 2012, 05:31:29 PM: I'm thinking of getting a woman in
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 28, 2012, 05:32:13 PM: Blowlamp
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 28, 2012, 09:07:42 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 28, 2012, 01:30:07 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002
outstanding!!!! I think I peed a bit! redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 28, 2012, 09:30:54 PM: They say one in every seven acquaintances has a gambling addiction.

My money's on BM.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2012, 04:57:13 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on April 28, 2012, 09:30:54 PM
They say one in every seven acquaintances has a gambling addiction.

My money's on BM.

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: tel on April 29, 2012, 03:55:41 PM: A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2012, 04:12:30 PM: Quote from: tel on April 29, 2012, 03:55:41 PM
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 30, 2012, 05:04:23 PM: It has been reported that there are going to be 600 police officers present at the Manchester City versus Manchester United derby match.

That's unbelievable...............

.

600 people from Manchester have a job?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2012, 06:17:23 AM: http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM (http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 03, 2012, 06:44:16 AM: Excellent :thumbsup:

Many a true word spoken in jest eh
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2012, 08:03:08 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 03, 2012, 06:44:16 AM
Excellent :thumbsup:

Many a true word spoken in jest eh

Indeed, bastards! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2012, 10:14:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2012, 06:17:23 AM
http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM (http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM)

lol: lol: lol:

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: sad but true...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2012, 10:37:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2012, 10:14:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2012, 06:17:23 AM
http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM (http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM)

lol: lol: lol:

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: sad but true...........

See also............

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2138488/Typhoon-fighter-planes-stationed-RAF-Northolt-Olympics-military-build-up.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2138488/Typhoon-fighter-planes-stationed-RAF-Northolt-Olympics-military-build-up.html)

............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2012, 11:14:13 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2012, 10:37:07 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2012, 10:14:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2012, 06:17:23 AM
http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM (http://youtu.be/Q8aCSy3d3oM)

lol: lol: lol:

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: sad but true...........

See also............

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2138488/Typhoon-fighter-planes-stationed-RAF-Northolt-Olympics-military-build-up.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2138488/Typhoon-fighter-planes-stationed-RAF-Northolt-Olympics-military-build-up.html)

............ noooo:

BBC radio the other day said it was the first time that Typhoons had been based there since the Second World War.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 03, 2012, 12:16:02 PM: BBC Can't tell a Hurricane from a Typhoon ~ which goes some way to explaining their lack of ability to forecast the weather.

NB; Hurricanes were stationed at at Northolt during WWII. 111 Squadron being the first to take delivery of 4 Hurricanes in 1937.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2012, 06:56:45 PM: Scousers Robbed - not a new headline but usually seen
with "Pensioner" as the third word
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2012, 05:53:54 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2012, 06:56:45 PM

Scousers Robbed - not a new headline but usually seen
with "Pensioner" as the third word

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 06, 2012, 07:33:50 AM: My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2012, 08:30:57 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on May 06, 2012, 07:33:50 AM
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 07, 2012, 09:13:10 PM: An Arab enters a taxi.

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion; and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels; and certainly no radio .........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.   So piss off and wait for a camel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 07, 2012, 09:16:17 PM: A comment from my niece's 9 year old daughter:

"Mummy, you and Grandma have used up all the wine and you haven't had your lunch yet?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 08, 2012, 05:28:55 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 07, 2012, 09:16:17 PM
A comment from my niece's 9 year old daughter:

"Mummy, you and Grandma have used up all the wine and you haven't had your lunch yet?"

;D

So much to learn ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 10, 2012, 02:14:08 PM: I like to do my bit to combat piracy by shouting "CUNT!" every 20 minutes when I'm in the cinema..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2012, 06:15:45 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 10, 2012, 02:14:08 PM

I like to do my bit to combat piracy by shouting "CUNT!" every 20 minutes when I'm in the cinema..........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 12, 2012, 07:48:15 AM: noooo:

Boys Beware - 1950's AntiGay Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqIIeGmhL2Q#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 12, 2012, 10:22:45 AM: AFFS...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2012, 11:39:26 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 10, 2012, 02:14:08 PM

I like to do my bit to combat piracy by shouting "CUNT!" every 20 minutes when I'm in the cinema..........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 16, 2012, 06:39:17 AM: Monopoly 2012 UK edition:

- the jail has no spaces left

- there's no free parking

- no-one can buy any houses because they can't get a mortgage

- win or lose, you still have to bail out the banker
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 16, 2012, 06:55:30 AM: Many a true word eh noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 16, 2012, 06:47:18 PM: Probably another AFFS but I like it:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term :

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

The student was given an A+
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2012, 06:53:49 PM: affs

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fiof25qep7%2Fdownload.jpg&hash=0e8b92b0a06ed4f3b3b4f3fad7e1a2b1c72d8dce) (http://postimage.org/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2012, 07:46:19 PM: AFFS noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on May 17, 2012, 07:00:58 AM: Well it made me laugh ....... again.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 18, 2012, 03:56:33 AM: Whoever Stole my Microsoft Office, I will track you down.

You have my Word.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2012, 04:31:36 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on May 18, 2012, 03:56:33 AM
Whoever Stole my Microsoft Office, I will track you down.

You have my Word.

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 18, 2012, 05:28:41 AM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 23, 2012, 10:59:37 PM: Teach Yourself Lansley (http://www.healthemergency.org.uk/pdf/TeachyourselfLansley.pdf)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 24, 2012, 06:29:39 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 23, 2012, 10:59:37 PM
Teach Yourself Lansley (http://www.healthemergency.org.uk/pdf/TeachyourselfLansley.pdf)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2012, 05:07:28 AM: http://youtu.be/Qhm7-LEBznk (http://youtu.be/Qhm7-LEBznk)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 26, 2012, 06:14:30 AM: noooo:

We have our share of idiots too, and yes, it's an AFFs

Pot-8-Toes. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU2eTAwpzgg#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 26, 2012, 09:48:25 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 26, 2012, 05:07:28 AM
http://youtu.be/Qhm7-LEBznk (http://youtu.be/Qhm7-LEBznk)

happy001
lol: lol: lol:

Perhaps she is good at something else?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 28, 2012, 11:46:17 AM: I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.

"How could you?!" she screamed. "How fucking could you?! You've fucked my sister you bastard!"

"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"

"The fucking autopsy," she cried.,,,,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 28, 2012, 09:25:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 28, 2012, 11:46:17 AM

I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.

"How could you?!" she screamed. "How fucking could you?! You've fucked my sister you bastard!"

"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"

"The fucking autopsy," she cried.,,,,,,,,,,,,

;D nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 30, 2012, 10:41:16 AM: I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on May 30, 2012, 08:28:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2012, 10:41:16 AM

I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing............

happy001 happy001

Hope no-one in the VP has butterfly tatts
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2012, 05:05:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2012, 10:41:16 AM

I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing............

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 06, 2012, 12:41:28 PM: A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie, were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they fucking play at night?'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 06, 2012, 12:45:16 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2012, 04:03:42 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 08, 2012, 03:27:10 PM: Muscle contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied,
'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 08, 2012, 04:10:13 PM: happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 09, 2012, 04:01:35 AM: Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2012, 04:19:33 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on June 09, 2012, 04:01:35 AM
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 09, 2012, 05:08:32 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on June 09, 2012, 04:01:35 AM
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

Oi! I got that one last night and meant to post it cussing:

I know Barman, "I snooze" etc
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2012, 05:20:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 09, 2012, 05:08:32 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on June 09, 2012, 04:01:35 AM
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.

Oi! I got that one last night and meant to post it cussing:

I know Barman, "I snooze" etc

Of course, of course.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2012, 06:02:11 AM: A man and his wife arrive at the airport...

The man says to his wife, "Did you bring the piano dear?"

She says, "Of course not, why?"

He says, "Because the passports are on top of it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 09, 2012, 06:36:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2012, 06:02:11 AM
A man and his wife arrive at the airport...

The man says to his wife, "Did you bring the piano dear?"

She says, "Of course not, why?"

He says, "Because the passports are on top of it."

It happens! On $kynews yesterday they were reporting on the build up to the Euro-wotsit and said "we don't normally do this, but we're giving Seamus Murphy (or similar) a big shout-out. Hope you've arrived safely for the tournament Seamus, but you've left your match tickets at Dublin airport" noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2012, 07:27:59 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 09, 2012, 06:36:15 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2012, 06:02:11 AM
A man and his wife arrive at the airport...

The man says to his wife, "Did you bring the piano dear?"

She says, "Of course not, why?"

He says, "Because the passports are on top of it."

It happens! On $kynews yesterday they were reporting on the build up to the Euro-wotsit and said "we don't normally do this, but we're giving Seamus Murphy (or similar) a big shout-out. Hope you've arrived safely for the tournament Seamus, but you've left your match tickets at Dublin airport" noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 14, 2012, 01:23:19 PM: I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 14, 2012, 02:21:17 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2Fr9non41pp%2F282924_10151073727068465_1911291015_n.jpg&hash=4082d5ecf9603589fe17b9079d9f21cd6a3106db) (http://postimage.org/image/r9non41pp/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2012, 02:55:36 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on June 14, 2012, 01:23:19 PM
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It's on its last legs now.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 17, 2012, 06:06:06 PM: ON THE ELDERLY

An elderly guy had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%
The guy went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gent replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Probably an AFFS momnet here...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two guys were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure....’
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?' lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 17, 2012, 07:04:15 PM: Japanese couple having an argument

Husband "Sukitaki!"

Wife replies.. "Kowanini!"

Husband. "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees begging... "Mimi nakooudindsa tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily.."Kina tim kouji!!"

And look at you sitting there reading this as if you understand fuckin japanese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 17, 2012, 07:35:42 PM: めちゃくちゃ取得 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 18, 2012, 04:42:56 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 19, 2012, 07:23:03 PM: As I walked down the busy footway with my wife, knowing we were late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged souls that are found in every city these days.. Some people turned to stare; others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling Father Roy, who always admonished me to "Care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.Wearing what can only be described as rags and carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2Fqs8r5n3ul%2Fragged_jeans.jpg&hash=175e0a68a8fb354bf2bc66fc55efe46dd1ef94b1) (http://postimage.org/image/qs8r5n3ul/)

So I did.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimage.org%2Faim9dqkoj%2Fplastered_bed.jpg&hash=aaba9f6183ec6185da84f0d76545dcdc7ff4ee92) (http://postimage.org/image/aim9dqkoj/)

I won't be at Mass this week...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2012, 07:54:15 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 20, 2012, 11:01:18 AM: Hitler hears about the eurozone downgrade (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKaBSp18u2c#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 20, 2012, 12:18:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 20, 2012, 11:01:18 AM
Hitler hears about the eurozone downgrade (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKaBSp18u2c#ws)

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2012, 06:30:08 AM: A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "Out of all your mates, you have the biggest dick."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2012, 07:31:05 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on June 25, 2012, 07:22:58 PM: What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

Decalfinated
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2012, 07:23:34 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on June 25, 2012, 07:25:55 PM: I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 25, 2012, 07:29:41 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimage.org%2F6nphgs5vp%2F301750_482537941763621_1670925829_n.jpg&hash=087111a0cb4d9aa03e6a8b159e7ca3c34191a359) (http://postimage.org/image/6nphgs5vp/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 26, 2012, 10:13:54 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on June 25, 2012, 07:25:55 PM
I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on June 29, 2012, 10:45:23 PM: http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dalek_rain (http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dalek_rain)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 04:33:54 AM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2012, 05:39:06 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on June 29, 2012, 10:45:23 PM
http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dalek_rain (http://b3ta.com/links/Quick_n_dirty_newcastle_dalek_rain)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 30, 2012, 02:02:04 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 30, 2012, 02:03:47 PM: True Reports from British life in British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on June 30, 2012, 03:24:19 PM: Affs .... I say AFFS! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2012, 03:58:41 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on June 30, 2012, 03:24:19 PM
Affs .... I say AFFS! cussing:

Well I thought that! Thumbs:

But I did a search and couldn't find it.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 06:44:01 PM: Quote
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2012, 08:12:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 06:44:01 PM
Quote
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

happy001

AFFS ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 08:58:05 PM: You are allowed to laugh more than once at a joke. It's like Dads Army
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 30, 2012, 09:03:07 PM: Don't tell him JOM!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 09:06:42 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 01, 2012, 05:53:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 30, 2012, 03:58:41 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on June 30, 2012, 03:24:19 PM
Affs .... I say AFFS! cussing:

Well I thought that! Thumbs:

But I did a search and couldn't find it.... rubschin:

Ditto.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2012, 07:32:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 30, 2012, 08:58:05 PM
You are allowed to laugh more than once at a joke. It's like Dads Army

Is it time for my Tourettes joke again then?? cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 01, 2012, 10:01:49 AM: No it feckin' isn't!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2012, 10:18:07 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on July 01, 2012, 10:01:49 AM
No it feckin' isn't!!!

Booom-tish!

::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 01, 2012, 11:23:21 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Ffxyabgull%2Ftourettes.jpg&hash=aefd62283ab8586c74135b2a81709c4dc6e0cfd0) (http://postimage.org/image/fxyabgull/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 02, 2012, 06:35:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 01, 2012, 11:23:21 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimage.org%2Ffxyabgull%2Ftourettes.jpg&hash=aefd62283ab8586c74135b2a81709c4dc6e0cfd0) (http://postimage.org/image/fxyabgull/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 02, 2012, 07:19:20 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-bSTFB-GKIoo%2FTZcUbNgN16I%2FAAAAAAAAB6I%2FfVuvdU585aQ%2Fs1600%2Fthinkers_cartoon.jpg&hash=4910ddf242b59880546b1eac58359ab40a5e5c67)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 04, 2012, 05:42:23 AM: The Ultimate Fireworks Fail Compilation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5jI92Ht99Y#ws)

How many nutters in the world? The firecracker tied to the leg still cracks me up
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2012, 01:12:21 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 04, 2012, 05:42:23 AM
The Ultimate Fireworks Fail Compilation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5jI92Ht99Y#ws)

How many nutters in the world? The firecracker tied to the leg still cracks me up

eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 05, 2012, 07:29:36 PM: Men Without Hats - Safety Dance [Literal Video Lyrics] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNS6M7au2rg#)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 05, 2012, 07:41:57 PM: http://taxi.ba.com/ (http://taxi.ba.com/)

Probably doesn't work for Smug Club members :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 06, 2012, 06:08:40 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 05, 2012, 07:41:57 PM
http://taxi.ba.com/ (http://taxi.ba.com/)

Probably doesn't work for Smug Club members :thumbsup:

I notice a woman was driving like.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on July 07, 2012, 10:52:19 AM: Boys liked it when I put our post code in. lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on July 07, 2012, 11:14:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 05, 2012, 07:41:57 PM
http://taxi.ba.com/ (http://taxi.ba.com/)

Probably doesn't work for Smug Club members :thumbsup:

That is just sooo cool it's going to be shared. lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 07, 2012, 11:16:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 05, 2012, 07:41:57 PM
http://taxi.ba.com/ (http://taxi.ba.com/)

Probably doesn't work for Smug Club members :thumbsup:

It does not............ evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 07, 2012, 11:49:37 AM: I bumped into a cross eyed guy today. He said "you need to look where your going"..I said " FUCK OFF. you need to go where your looking lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 07, 2012, 12:09:52 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 07, 2012, 11:49:37 AM
I bumped into a cross eyed guy today. He said "you need to look where your going"..I said " FUCK OFF. you need to go where your looking lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on July 07, 2012, 05:51:22 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimage.org%2Fijgl8sdpd%2FBoson.jpg&hash=1e5419253c0f29e9b3dd8d05876f734d9a5f7b07) (http://postimage.org/image/ijgl8sdpd/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 08, 2012, 01:39:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 07, 2012, 11:49:37 AM
I bumped into a cross eyed guy today. He said "you need to look where your going"..I said " FUCK OFF. you need to go where your looking lol:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2012, 05:50:28 PM: BREAKING NEWS : Button severely hurt in F1 accident

(https://p.twimg.com/AxS0mquCAAE7zVO.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 08, 2012, 05:55:27 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 08, 2012, 06:09:31 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2012, 05:50:28 PM
BREAKING NEWS : Button severely hurt in F1 accident

(https://p.twimg.com/AxS0mquCAAE7zVO.jpg)

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2012, 06:15:58 PM: I know but it is relevant whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 08, 2012, 06:17:05 PM: How are yer stumps?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2012, 06:19:02 PM: Weary ......I'm being coerced to go to Istanbul in November and do a 15 miler but I am adamant that my time for retirement is nigh
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 08, 2012, 06:26:49 PM: This calls for a new thread rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2012, 06:30:51 PM: It really doesn't noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 08, 2012, 07:20:13 PM: It could run and run redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 09, 2012, 07:34:57 AM: Won't have the legs!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 12, 2012, 06:09:57 AM: A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade cakes, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy steak and some apple pie? Or maybe a
roast chicken dinner or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on July 12, 2012, 06:14:44 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 12, 2012, 06:25:28 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 12, 2012, 08:24:01 PM: http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/page/3 (http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/page/3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2012, 05:43:39 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 12, 2012, 08:24:01 PM
http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/page/3 (http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/page/3)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2012, 10:38:18 AM: http://youtu.be/xjY0784vHN8 (http://youtu.be/xjY0784vHN8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 14, 2012, 06:17:11 AM: I have just received a letter from the lawyers at my local radio. A genuine misunderstanding though , apparently they did NOT say "Keep all your messy jizz coming in!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2012, 06:22:45 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 14, 2012, 01:26:45 PM: Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free
house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
how do you bring home a
suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'

Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2012, 05:43:29 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 14, 2012, 07:38:40 PM: My wife asked this morning, "How come you don't wake up with an erection?" I replied, "Because you're the woman of my dreams."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 14, 2012, 07:44:31 PM: Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2012, 08:15:02 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 14, 2012, 07:44:31 PM
Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2012, 04:44:52 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 14, 2012, 07:44:31 PM
Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 16, 2012, 12:08:30 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2Fvqgllnngt%2F165907_383452425043345_587191078_n.jpg&hash=3ab396ab5a5e50f94ef6ea489b7d61da50345164) (http://postimage.org/image/vqgllnngt/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 16, 2012, 12:18:07 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on July 16, 2012, 12:08:30 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimage.org%2Fvqgllnngt%2F165907_383452425043345_587191078_n.jpg&hash=3ab396ab5a5e50f94ef6ea489b7d61da50345164) (http://postimage.org/image/vqgllnngt/)

I miss Holly.... sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 16, 2012, 06:39:13 PM: The girlfriend said our sons constant wailing is really getting her down. I told her I'd confiscate his harpoon if it doesn't stop.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 16, 2012, 07:07:02 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 16, 2012, 06:39:13 PM
The girlfriend said our sons constant wailing is really getting her down. I told her I'd confiscate his harpoon if it doesn't stop.

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2012, 07:21:37 AM: I lost my thesaurus....

...I can't describe how I feel about it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 17, 2012, 06:16:43 PM: For ages I've been donating to Help For Heroes in honour of my nephew. Turns out he works for PC World and his job is soldering
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2012, 06:19:15 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 17, 2012, 06:16:43 PM
For ages I've been donating to Help For Heroes in honour of my nephew. Turns out he works for PC World and his job is soldering

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 18, 2012, 02:57:41 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimage.org%2Fkcx4xzf8l%2F306654_504949766198877_781790529_n.jpg&hash=2ed2ea340fa41672746e8ea88a34483d794131af) (http://postimage.org/image/kcx4xzf8l/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 21, 2012, 05:18:00 PM: I was going to watch the new Batman film

, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 21, 2012, 05:21:29 PM: [Takes sharp intake of breath then looks around to see if anybody else is laughing first]
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 21, 2012, 05:22:35 PM: too soon............ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 21, 2012, 05:24:06 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 21, 2012, 05:21:29 PM
[Takes sharp intake of breath then looks around to see if anybody else is laughing first]

you're ok hun. I pissed myself.......go forth and giggle dear man
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 21, 2012, 05:30:39 PM: "Vigil to be held for Batman premier victims."

The rest of the Thunderbirds team were unavailable for comment..........

yes I know...... redface:..............but good animation link......... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 21, 2012, 06:14:37 PM: I hear the audience at the Batman screening in Denver didn't see the whole film. They only got through one or two clips. redface:

I can't wait for the paralympics. Especially the wheelchair basketball, armless archery and women's football. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2012, 10:20:39 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 22, 2012, 09:06:10 PM: A DRAMATIC SURPRISE ON A QUIET SQUARE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=316AzLYfAzw#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2012, 07:25:02 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 22, 2012, 09:06:10 PM
A DRAMATIC SURPRISE ON A QUIET SQUARE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=316AzLYfAzw#ws)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 23, 2012, 08:59:32 AM: that is GENIUS!!!! happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 23, 2012, 09:03:00 AM: I think you'll find it's also AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2012, 09:04:59 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 23, 2012, 09:03:00 AM
I think you'll find it's also AFFS!

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on July 24, 2012, 07:34:45 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 22, 2012, 09:06:10 PM
A DRAMATIC SURPRISE ON A QUIET SQUARE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=316AzLYfAzw#ws)

Strangely appropriate. lol: lol: I will have to share this I'm afraid.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 27, 2012, 05:36:52 AM: I tried skimming twenty stones across a pond today, She just sank right to the bottom.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 27, 2012, 05:51:40 AM: ^^^ Sexist ^^^ ;)

A fat girl went to the Dr's and asked "how many calories are there in sperm"

"Listen love, don't worry about it, if you swallow, no bloke is going to be bothered how fat you are" redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 27, 2012, 06:53:57 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 27, 2012, 05:51:40 AM
^^^ Sexist ^^^ ;)

A fat girl went to the Dr's and asked "how many calories are there in sperm"

"Listen love, don't worry about it, if you swallow, no bloke is going to be bothered how fat you are" redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 29, 2012, 03:58:46 PM: The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team ,

after realising shooting and sailing were two separate events ..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 29, 2012, 04:38:36 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 29, 2012, 05:16:56 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 09, 2012, 03:04:12 PM: Spelling is important, for example ; The difference between won and one:

Great Britain have just won gold.

Australia have just one gold.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 09, 2012, 03:27:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 09, 2012, 03:04:12 PM
Spelling is important, for example ; The difference between won and one:

Great Britain have just won gold.

Australia have just one gold.

noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 10, 2012, 04:28:55 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 09, 2012, 03:27:34 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 09, 2012, 03:04:12 PM
Spelling is important, for example ; The difference between won and one:

Great Britain have just won gold.

Australia have just one gold.

noooo: noooo: noooo:

Wha? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 11, 2012, 07:19:01 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fcl6b528or%2Ffrankie_boyle.jpg&hash=d08afdd295c29c81b6d1da8e4ee8e3ae8b5e5814) (http://postimage.org/image/cl6b528or/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 11, 2012, 07:31:14 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 11, 2012, 07:19:01 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fcl6b528or%2Ffrankie_boyle.jpg&hash=d08afdd295c29c81b6d1da8e4ee8e3ae8b5e5814) (http://postimage.org/image/cl6b528or/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on August 11, 2012, 08:01:33 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 11, 2012, 07:31:14 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 11, 2012, 07:19:01 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fcl6b528or%2Ffrankie_boyle.jpg&hash=d08afdd295c29c81b6d1da8e4ee8e3ae8b5e5814) (http://postimage.org/image/cl6b528or/)

lol: lol: lol:

I'm pleased to say I had to look it up as why that's funny.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2012, 09:38:40 PM: After years of searching police have finally found shergar He was in his stable whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 12, 2012, 05:07:55 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 11, 2012, 09:38:40 PM
After years of searching police have finally found shergar He was in his stable whistle:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 12, 2012, 06:49:15 AM: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2012, 09:38:51 AM: (https://p.twimg.com/A0FoocbCYAExLJM.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 12, 2012, 10:01:15 AM: AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2012, 10:08:04 AM: My goldfish suggested that one lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 12, 2012, 10:11:47 AM: never trust a woman - fart! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr7neaMu59g#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 12, 2012, 10:13:28 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 12, 2012, 10:08:04 AM
My goldfish suggested that one lol:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2012, 07:49:28 PM: http://youtu.be/0_hutfrqxIc (http://youtu.be/0_hutfrqxIc)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2012, 07:52:08 PM: I am sure the Swedish blonde was impressed tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2012, 07:52:50 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 14, 2012, 07:52:08 PM
I am sure the Swedish blonde was impressed tunble:

She will be tomorrer! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 15, 2012, 06:06:54 AM: The Olympics have completely changed the perception of Britain on the world stage.

Two weeks ago the world thought we were shit at sport but great at music...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 15, 2012, 06:08:56 AM: I like it :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2012, 06:34:23 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 15, 2012, 06:06:54 AM
The Olympics have completely changed the perception of Britain on the world stage.

Two weeks ago the world thought we were shit at sport but great at music...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 15, 2012, 06:05:03 PM: Gold Medal Winning Paralympians will get a Royal Mail stamp each................ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 15, 2012, 08:17:37 PM: It'll make a change from licking windows redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 15, 2012, 08:19:06 PM: nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 15, 2012, 08:36:33 PM: Wot........... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2012, 04:22:42 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 22, 2012, 06:07:10 AM: "Doc, my kleptomania problem with small computer devices is getting way out of hand. What can I do?"

"Keep taking the tablets."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:29:01 AM: The "Hat, coat, door" thread is over there ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 22, 2012, 07:26:58 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:29:01 AM
The "Hat, coat, door" thread is over there ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 22, 2012, 07:30:01 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fgv3214e23%2Farticle_2191541_14_A3_C949000005_DC_754_636x321.jpg&hash=05f2c7d1b2098292e2572adce47fbac79c48155e) (http://postimage.org/image/gv3214e23/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 22, 2012, 07:32:27 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 22, 2012, 07:30:01 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2Fgv3214e23%2Farticle_2191541_14_A3_C949000005_DC_754_636x321.jpg&hash=05f2c7d1b2098292e2572adce47fbac79c48155e) (http://postimage.org/image/gv3214e23/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:01:05 PM: I feel all sick2:

Man turns his head 180 degrees no kidding Freaky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHjRORiMl7E#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:19:45 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Fp3s06b3xr%2Fcar_park.jpg&hash=bd0e6637c77543a3e2f937610c8fa5ec37f41b53) (http://postimage.org/image/p3s06b3xr/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2012, 06:48:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:19:45 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Fp3s06b3xr%2Fcar_park.jpg&hash=bd0e6637c77543a3e2f937610c8fa5ec37f41b53) (http://postimage.org/image/p3s06b3xr/)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2012, 06:50:13 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 22, 2012, 06:01:05 PM
I feel all sick2:

Man turns his head 180 degrees no kidding Freaky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHjRORiMl7E#)

Eeeewwwww! I couldn't watch it all.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 23, 2012, 03:43:33 PM: Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 23, 2012, 03:45:31 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2012, 04:25:16 PM: AFFS ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 24, 2012, 03:48:21 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fp477lb9ox%2FJennifer_Aniston.jpg&hash=6b9e9cf2824d5ba73e39ef9be7018116716f840e) (http://postimage.org/image/p477lb9ox/) redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 24, 2012, 05:02:11 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 23, 2012, 03:43:33 PM
". . . And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21''

eeek: eeek:

Now that is a big lad.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 24, 2012, 05:04:55 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 24, 2012, 06:07:22 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 24, 2012, 03:48:21 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fp477lb9ox%2FJennifer_Aniston.jpg&hash=6b9e9cf2824d5ba73e39ef9be7018116716f840e) (http://postimage.org/image/p477lb9ox/) redface:

Child.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on August 24, 2012, 07:45:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 24, 2012, 06:07:22 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 24, 2012, 03:48:21 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fp477lb9ox%2FJennifer_Aniston.jpg&hash=6b9e9cf2824d5ba73e39ef9be7018116716f840e) (http://postimage.org/image/p477lb9ox/) redface:

Child.... ::)

mesmerising redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 24, 2012, 07:52:27 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 24, 2012, 05:02:11 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 23, 2012, 03:43:33 PM
". . . And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21''

eeek: eeek:

Now that is a big lad.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 24, 2012, 10:36:06 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 24, 2012, 03:48:21 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fp477lb9ox%2FJennifer_Aniston.jpg&hash=6b9e9cf2824d5ba73e39ef9be7018116716f840e) (http://postimage.org/image/p477lb9ox/) redface:

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2012, 07:37:05 AM: My mate got straight A's in his italics exam. Which actually cost him quite a few marks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 25, 2012, 07:38:29 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2012, 07:44:18 AM: My wife came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Liverpool." scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 25, 2012, 07:48:22 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2012, 07:37:05 AM
My mate got straight A's in his italics exam. Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 26, 2012, 10:16:47 AM: First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.

I see God is not a fan of moon-walkers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 26, 2012, 10:19:30 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 26, 2012, 10:16:47 AM
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.

I see God is not a fan of moon-walkers.

Quick.............. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 26, 2012, 10:20:53 AM: RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2012, 10:22:17 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 26, 2012, 10:24:15 AM: ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 26, 2012, 01:47:43 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 26, 2012, 10:20:53 AM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

Although a pedant might argue that Gus Grissom, Edward H. White, and Roger Chaffee where killed in the process.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 26, 2012, 02:27:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 26, 2012, 01:47:43 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 26, 2012, 10:20:53 AM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

Although a pedant might argue that Gus Grissom, Edward H. White, and Roger Chaffee where killed in the process.... whistle:

Did you just want the 10 minute argument?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2012, 05:12:19 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 26, 2012, 02:27:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 26, 2012, 01:47:43 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on August 26, 2012, 10:20:53 AM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

Although a pedant might argue that Gus Grissom, Edward H. White, and Roger Chaffee where killed in the process.... whistle:

Did you just want the 10 minute argument?

No, the full half-hour please! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 27, 2012, 12:29:06 PM: Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.,,,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2012, 12:30:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 27, 2012, 12:29:06 PM

Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.,,,,,,,,,,,

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 01:29:46 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 05:12:05 PM: I just paid 15 quid for a hot 17 year old girl to rub her boobs all over me. I love having my hair cut.

So,there's a lion loose in Essex. Big deal. You should see the dogs in Newcastle.

Lance and Neil have had a bad week. Let's hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time alright.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 27, 2012, 05:14:49 PM: Mr Thread?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 05:54:50 PM: Big foot caught on tape. Amazing footage!!

Bigfoot Caught on Tape! Amazing Footage! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpXDxBT3evo#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 05:58:13 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 06:03:55 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

It's not just me then. Really hit the laughter spot that one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 27, 2012, 06:11:06 PM: Ermm, thick alert! WTF is/was Stretch Armstrong?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 06:16:39 PM: Oh no ...toy deprivation alert ....it was the toy you could stretch ( hence imaginative use of the name) and never break......and we tried very hard when we were kids to pull him til he snapped lol:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft2.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcRTIp7xeX6IT0JTLI54VB1hDxNOOrDliF0F5k2IViy1KLum4dPzMg%26amp%3Bt%3D1&hash=a1e7ab7f427467e4db26b9358d17a1cf2eb1b17c)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 06:19:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 06:03:55 PM
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

It's not just me then. Really hit the laughter spot that one.

That cracked me up and has been shared :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 07:38:40 PM: Bic pens for her (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B004FTGJUW/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_next_2?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=2&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 27, 2012, 07:44:06 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2012, 07:38:40 PM
Bic pens for her (http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B004FTGJUW/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_next_2?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=2&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 07:45:03 PM: This one made me larf the other day

http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 27, 2012, 08:01:15 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 06:16:39 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft2.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcRTIp7xeX6IT0JTLI54VB1hDxNOOrDliF0F5k2IViy1KLum4dPzMg%26amp%3Bt%3D1&hash=a1e7ab7f427467e4db26b9358d17a1cf2eb1b17c)

We tried very hard when we were kids to pull him til he snapped

Are you sure you aren't thinking of "Stretch Glitter" ?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 28, 2012, 04:47:31 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 07:45:03 PM
This one made me larf the other day

http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

Quote

3 out of 5 stars Great Product, Poor Packaging
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
Published on May 14, 2009 by Patrick J. McGovern

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 28, 2012, 11:50:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 28, 2012, 04:47:31 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 27, 2012, 07:45:03 PM
This one made me larf the other day

http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending (http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=cm_cr_dp_see_all_btm?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending)

Quote

3 out of 5 stars Great Product, Poor Packaging
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
Published on May 14, 2009 by Patrick J. McGovern

happy001

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 30, 2012, 05:49:46 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fgp1y90f47%2Fkeen_mast.jpg&hash=4af4cba96c11212c9ac70aacb2f6381dfa4fba74) (http://postimage.org/image/gp1y90f47/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2012, 05:52:33 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2012, 05:49:46 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fgp1y90f47%2Fkeen_mast.jpg&hash=4af4cba96c11212c9ac70aacb2f6381dfa4fba74) (http://postimage.org/image/gp1y90f47/)

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 30, 2012, 02:05:13 PM: lol: lol: lol:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 30, 2012, 03:54:47 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 30, 2012, 02:05:13 PM
lol: lol: lol:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113)

eeek: eeek: eeek: Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on August 30, 2012, 04:58:02 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 30, 2012, 02:05:13 PM
lol: lol: lol:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-19405113)

lol: lol: lol: Excellent.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 01, 2012, 07:47:06 PM: So the Thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 01, 2012, 08:01:05 PM: Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 01, 2012, 11:01:53 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on September 01, 2012, 07:47:06 PM
So the Thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.

noooo:

but gonna use it........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2012, 05:13:56 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on September 01, 2012, 07:47:06 PM
So the Thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises.

I know a few people who won't be applauding.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 03, 2012, 12:07:21 PM: Just turned on the tv in time to watch eight fucking retards competing in the sack race...

When The Apprentice is over I may watch some paralympics..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2012, 12:38:21 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 04, 2012, 03:42:04 PM: Watching the paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other peoples different abilities but ..........

If I have discovered they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how comes they still get to park closer to the shops...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2012, 04:27:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 04, 2012, 03:42:04 PM
Watching the paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other peoples different abilities but ..........

If I have discovered they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how comes they still get to park closer to the shops...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 06, 2012, 11:54:33 AM: A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building
on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves,
which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented
her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested
that they take the money to the bank the next day to open
a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 06, 2012, 12:09:18 PM: AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 06, 2012, 12:10:05 PM: AFFS!

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2767.msg55257#msg55257 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2767.msg55257#msg55257)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 06, 2012, 12:12:56 PM: Shrugs:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimage.org%2F80l53u98r%2F405855_10151259441538465_1404099031_n.jpg&hash=a23c93882edbc04cff21c7588ee6b0394e3937c2) (http://postimage.org/image/80l53u98r/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 08, 2012, 02:08:39 PM: People often ask me which famous person I'd like to invite to dinner.

Easy I say. Professor Stephen Hawking.

Not for the intellectual stimulus and insights into the fascinating world of cosmology, though.

It just means I only have to do soup.,,,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2012, 02:25:57 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 09, 2012, 09:45:12 AM: Not a joke, but stolen from another site I frequent where true stories that made you smile were being related...

A rather cynical man who worked with me ran out of fags, so he drove up to the local Morrisons. There was snow on the ground, but his addiction compelled him to go.

When he got to Morrisons, some kids in the car park started throwing snowballs at his car. Being a rather awkward Yorkshireman, he drove back to confront them. He saw that they had built a snowman, so he decided to destroy it. Shame it was built on top of a concrete bollard.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 09, 2012, 10:03:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 09, 2012, 09:45:12 AM
Not a joke, but stolen from another site I frequent where true stories that made you smile were being related...

A rather cynical man who worked with me ran out of fags, so he drove up to the local Morrisons. There was snow on the ground, but his addiction compelled him to go.

When he got to Morrisons, some kids in the car park started throwing snowballs at his car. Being a rather awkward Yorkshireman, he drove back to confront them. He saw that they had built a snowman, so he decided to destroy it. Shame it was built on top of a concrete bollard.

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 09, 2012, 10:30:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 09, 2012, 09:45:12 AM
Not a joke, but stolen from another site I frequent where true stories that made you smile were being related...

A rather cynical man who worked with me ran out of fags, so he drove up to the local Morrisons. There was snow on the ground, but his addiction compelled him to go.

When he got to Morrisons, some kids in the car park started throwing snowballs at his car. Being a rather awkward Yorkshireman, he drove back to confront them. He saw that they had built a snowman, so he decided to destroy it. Shame it was built on top of a concrete bollard.

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 13, 2012, 01:47:36 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fmu5b4ytxd%2F199156_478446345507694_119698164_n.jpg&hash=05d94970a091ff344658d87dc7afdc7164025d06) (http://postimage.org/image/mu5b4ytxd/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 13, 2012, 01:49:21 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 13, 2012, 01:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fmu5b4ytxd%2F199156_478446345507694_119698164_n.jpg&hash=05d94970a091ff344658d87dc7afdc7164025d06) (http://postimage.org/image/mu5b4ytxd/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 13, 2012, 01:50:22 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 13, 2012, 01:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fmu5b4ytxd%2F199156_478446345507694_119698164_n.jpg&hash=05d94970a091ff344658d87dc7afdc7164025d06) (http://postimage.org/image/mu5b4ytxd/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2012, 02:20:05 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 13, 2012, 01:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fmu5b4ytxd%2F199156_478446345507694_119698164_n.jpg&hash=05d94970a091ff344658d87dc7afdc7164025d06) (http://postimage.org/image/mu5b4ytxd/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 16, 2012, 11:20:34 AM: Burglar breaks into a house and while he is working on removing the TV he hears a voice saying;

"Jesus is watching you!"

He turns around and looks but seeing nothing he goes back to work.

"JESUS is watching you!"

Feeling a little nervous he looks over his shoulder, wondering if he is going crazy but seeing nothing he continues on.

"JESUS is watching YOU!"

That's it!... he turns round and sees a parrot in the corner of the room.

"What's your name?"

"Moses"

"What kind of idiot names his parrot, Moses?"

"The same idiot that calls his rottweiler, Jesus"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on September 16, 2012, 06:01:22 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 16, 2012, 06:11:28 PM: Sex and drugs and rock n roll

Bet the Little Un is having fun :thumbsup:

Koff, how is the eldest?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 19, 2012, 01:25:43 PM: If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery......

What kind of car would you buy 1st?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2012, 01:32:39 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 19, 2012, 01:25:43 PM

If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery......

What kind of car would you buy 1st?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 20, 2012, 07:07:48 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 19, 2012, 01:25:43 PM

If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery......

What kind of car would you buy 1st?

:thumbsup: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 03, 2012, 06:59:48 PM: On Monday, it was the start of October.

And the end of April.............

yeah I know......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2012, 07:49:44 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2012, 06:59:48 PM
On Monday, it was the start of October.

And the end of April.............

yeah I know......... redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

I just got it when I heard her name on the radio a minute ago.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 04, 2012, 05:38:29 PM: They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary.

His last entry was about 10 years old................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2012, 06:11:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 04, 2012, 05:38:29 PM

They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary.

His last entry was about 10 years old................

happy001

Collapso >>>> keyboard
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 04, 2012, 06:18:20 PM: JD Sports are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits.. They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 04, 2012, 06:24:33 PM: eeek: Potty mouth
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2012, 06:34:05 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 04, 2012, 06:18:20 PM
JD Sports are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits.. They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

lol: lol: lol:

More collapso >>> keyboard evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 04, 2012, 06:44:49 PM: As the rest of the country prepare for Halloween

those daft bastards in Wales are still going on about April Fooled day...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 05, 2012, 09:27:58 AM: BREAKING NEWS!!!

A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the fuck out of Jimmy Somerville............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2012, 11:41:59 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 12, 2012, 06:42:17 AM: New Bond film's theme performed by Adele.

A rare example of something beginning when the fat lady sings..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 12, 2012, 06:55:31 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 12, 2012, 06:42:17 AM
New Bond film's theme performed by Adele.

A rare example of something beginning when the fat lady sings..........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 13, 2012, 03:06:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 12, 2012, 06:42:17 AM
New Bond film's theme performed by Adele.

A rare example of something beginning when the fat lady sings..........

happy002

Beer >>>>> keyboard sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 14, 2012, 08:38:59 AM: "Jesus Loves You"

A nice thing to hear in church.....but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 14, 2012, 09:29:06 AM: Quote from: Baldy on October 14, 2012, 08:38:59 AM
"Jesus Loves You"

A nice thing to hear in church.....but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

AFFS! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 14, 2012, 07:55:36 PM: I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble pieces.

Having a shit later could spell trouble.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 14, 2012, 07:59:10 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 15, 2012, 03:32:08 AM: Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'

The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 15, 2012, 05:50:32 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on October 14, 2012, 07:55:36 PM
I accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble pieces.

Having a shit later could spell trouble.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 15, 2012, 05:51:25 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on October 15, 2012, 03:32:08 AM
A horse walks into a bar...

The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'

There, fixed that for you.... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2012, 01:10:14 PM: I've just seen Jordan's book marked as 'Special Price' in Tesco.......

Can't figure out if that's a deal, or if the book is about her son Harvey?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2012, 01:35:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 16, 2012, 01:10:14 PM
I've just seen Jordan's book marked as 'Special Price' in Tesco.......

Can't figure out if that's a deal, or if the book is about her son Harvey?

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 16, 2012, 02:02:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 16, 2012, 01:10:14 PM
I've just seen Jordan's book marked as 'Special Price' in Tesco.......

Can't figure out if that's a deal, or if the book is about her son Harvey?

Harv Price?

That's better than DFS. eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2012, 02:10:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 15, 2012, 05:51:25 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on October 15, 2012, 03:32:08 AM
A horse walks into a bar...

The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'

There, fixed that for you.... ;)

Not a good saying at the moment,,,,,,,,,,,, noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 17, 2012, 08:09:26 PM: I see thieves stole a Picasso from Rotterdam. By now they could be anywhere; Liverpool, or Rome
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 17, 2012, 08:23:52 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 17, 2012, 08:09:26 PM
I see thieves stole a Picasso from Rotterdam. By now they could be anywhere; Liverpool, or Rome

Only the beautiful people from the south will get that one............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 17, 2012, 08:29:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 17, 2012, 08:23:52 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 17, 2012, 08:09:26 PM
I see thieves stole a Picasso from Rotterdam. By now they could be anywhere; Liverpool, or Rome

Only the beautiful people from the south will get that one............

drumroll: drumroll:

Thanks for the earworm.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2012, 05:13:09 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 17, 2012, 08:09:26 PM
I see thieves stole a Picasso from Rotterdam. By now they could be anywhere; Liverpool, or Rome

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2012, 05:29:09 AM: The Serb football authority have asked England players to point out the racists. They said they want to know who who who who who.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2012, 05:36:25 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2012, 05:29:09 AM
The Serb football authority have asked England players to point out the racists. They said they want to know who who who who who.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2012, 05:59:21 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 18, 2012, 06:09:20 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 18, 2012, 05:29:09 AM
The Serb football authority have asked England players to point out the racists. They said they want to know who who who who who.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2012, 11:52:56 AM: Brand New Leather Jacket (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq_lhlIn1e0#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 18, 2012, 12:35:29 PM: If it weren't so true it might even be funny cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 18, 2012, 04:03:32 PM: Jimmy Savile was buried with a load of chocolate bars that represented his life.
He had a few old marathon bars in one hand and a 10 year oldsnickers in the other..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2012, 05:12:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 18, 2012, 04:03:32 PM
Jimmy Savile was buried with a load of chocolate bars that represented his life.
He had a few old marathon bars in one hand and a 10 year oldsnickers in the other..........

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 18, 2012, 08:01:11 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 19, 2012, 11:55:19 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fkc7qjajtj%2Fjimmy_savile_2.jpg&hash=bc64af0493982b13c003441bf5660a0c7bb8770d) (http://postimage.org/image/kc7qjajtj/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 19, 2012, 11:56:21 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 19, 2012, 11:55:19 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fkc7qjajtj%2Fjimmy_savile_2.jpg&hash=bc64af0493982b13c003441bf5660a0c7bb8770d) (http://postimage.org/image/kc7qjajtj/)

happy001

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2012, 01:49:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 19, 2012, 11:55:19 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimage.org%2Fkc7qjajtj%2Fjimmy_savile_2.jpg&hash=bc64af0493982b13c003441bf5660a0c7bb8770d) (http://postimage.org/image/kc7qjajtj/)

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 19, 2012, 09:01:15 PM: Prolly Affs (http://yababoon.com/2012/10/11/deer-crossing-signs-problem/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 20, 2012, 06:30:07 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 19, 2012, 09:01:15 PM
Prolly Affs (http://yababoon.com/2012/10/11/deer-crossing-signs-problem/)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 20, 2012, 08:02:04 AM: I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Jim to fix it instead of taking his computer to PC World.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 24, 2012, 02:39:09 PM: Baumgardner drops 23 miles from space , no human has travelled that fast since 1983.............

when Jimmy Savile heard that St Marys school choir were going to appear on top of the pops........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 24, 2012, 03:17:59 PM: My grandfather went into a school the other day and said, "If it wasn't for me you would all be speaking German."

"That's right," said the German teacher

Militant feminists. I take my hat off to them. They hate that eveilgrin:

Italians. Slanty little eyes. Sorry, italics.

It seems anyone can get to be a PE teacher nowadays. Standards are so low. At least according to one whistleblower.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on October 24, 2012, 05:13:45 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 24, 2012, 03:17:59 PM
My grandfather went into a school the other day and said, "If it wasn't for me you would all be speaking German."

"That's right," said the German teacher

Militant feminists. I take my hat off to them. They hate that eveilgrin:

Italians. Slanty little eyes. Sorry, italics.

It seems anyone can get to be a PE teacher nowadays. Standards are so low. At least according to one whistleblower.

Last night's edition of "Arthur Smith's Balham Bash" if my memory serves. whistle:

PS Didn't make me laugh then either.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 24, 2012, 05:19:42 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 24, 2012, 05:21:56 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 24, 2012, 05:19:42 PM
redface:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 27, 2012, 02:18:28 PM: Age and temperature are just numbers. But if either gets too low, you should probably put your clothes back on
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 27, 2012, 06:38:29 PM: I was rushing down the street with a bunch of flowers and a huge smile on my face when I almost knocked over an old lady.
"Gosh. sorry love!" I said.
"Oh, that's alright. It's actually quite refreshing to see a young person looking so happy and carefree. And are those flowers for your wife?"
"They certainly are!"
"Oh, how lovely. You've restored my faith in humanity. After all, life's grand isn't it?"
"I couldn't agree more!" I said as I kissed her on the cheek and watch her amble happily away.

I then fixed the flowers to the lamppost...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2012, 06:52:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 27, 2012, 06:38:29 PM

I was rushing down the street with a bunch of flowers and a huge smile on my face when I almost knocked over an old lady.
"Gosh. sorry love!" I said.
"Oh, that's alright. It's actually quite refreshing to see a young person looking so happy and carefree. And are those flowers for your wife?"
"They certainly are!"
"Oh, how lovely. You've restored my faith in humanity. After all, life's grand isn't it?"
"I couldn't agree more!" I said as I kissed her on the cheek and watch her amble happily away.

I then fixed the flowers to the lamppost...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2012, 08:03:07 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 27, 2012, 08:03:58 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 27, 2012, 02:18:28 PM
Age and temperature are just numbers. But if either gets too low, you should probably put your clothes back on

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2012, 01:19:10 PM: http://youtu.be/UVBvY7oBbuU (http://youtu.be/UVBvY7oBbuU)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 28, 2012, 03:04:40 PM: Hurricane sandy has now been downgraded to a British summer
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 28, 2012, 03:28:40 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 29, 2012, 06:44:00 PM: Due to recent allegations, book shops have removed copies of Jimmy Savile's autobiography............

It's now only available as a PDF file
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 29, 2012, 06:45:07 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2012, 10:48:04 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2012, 06:44:00 PM

Due to recent allegations, book shops have removed copies of Jimmy Savile's autobiography............

It's now only available as a PDF file

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 31, 2012, 06:43:27 AM: Whenever I see people crying on their roofs during a flood, I tend to think 'If anything, you're just making it worse rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 31, 2012, 09:17:54 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on October 31, 2012, 06:43:27 AM
Whenever I see people crying on their roofs during a flood, I tend to think 'If anything, you're just making it worse rubschin:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 01, 2012, 12:08:52 AM: According to CNN there is a blackout at every state that Huricane Sandy struck.........

Putting it more bluntly, Obama is visiting the disaster zone...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 01, 2012, 05:44:25 AM: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 01, 2012, 09:49:40 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 01, 2012, 12:08:52 AM

According to CNN there is a blackout at every state that Huricane Sandy struck.........

lol:

Putting it more bluntly, Obama is visiting the disaster zone...............

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 01, 2012, 11:23:30 AM: Naked woman in shower, bending over to pick up the soap!

Enjoy (http://www.beetlehook.com/fatty.jpg)

. . . . and, when I find the bastard who sent it to me . . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2012, 11:29:37 AM: LL! Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 01, 2012, 11:31:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2012, 11:29:37 AM
LL! Shocked:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 04, 2012, 08:20:31 AM: My son's been offered a trial at Man United. He's delighted. It's truly the biggest day in any young referee's career....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 04, 2012, 10:13:27 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 04, 2012, 08:20:31 AM
My son's been offered a trial at Man United. He's delighted. It's truly the biggest day in any young referee's career....

lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on November 04, 2012, 08:35:04 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 01, 2012, 11:23:30 AM
Naked woman in shower, bending over to pick up the soap!

Enjoy (http://www.beetlehook.com/fatty.jpg)

who the fuck took the picture........and why!!!????

. . . . and, when I find the bastard who sent it to me . . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 04, 2012, 08:51:08 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on November 04, 2012, 08:35:04 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 01, 2012, 11:23:30 AM
Naked woman in shower, bending over to pick up the soap!

Enjoy (http://www.beetlehook.com/fatty.jpg)

. . . . and, when I find the bastard who sent it to me . . . . .

who the fuck took the picture........and why!!!????

A. The paramedic, to support his work injury claim.
B. The Coroner, to save a lot of paperwork.
C. The shower salesman, if it will stand that, it will stand anything
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 04, 2012, 09:02:24 PM: An astute analysis :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 04, 2012, 09:03:32 PM: CAN YOU GUESS ...WHAT THIS IS....??

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fhkimrgl41%2Fcid_B5_AB375_A643_B4_F9_F81_E3_F25_B4595_FB21_brianb81254892.jpg&hash=1a96e5b471c7280230ef0e59b2233577be1d63d3) (http://postimage.org/image/hkimrgl41/)

YOU GUESSED RIGHT !

MICHELLE OBAMA'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION !!!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on November 04, 2012, 09:06:30 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 04, 2012, 08:51:08 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on November 04, 2012, 08:35:04 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 01, 2012, 11:23:30 AM
Naked woman in shower, bending over to pick up the soap!

Enjoy (http://www.beetlehook.com/fatty.jpg)

. . . . and, when I find the bastard who sent it to me . . . . .

who the fuck took the picture........and why!!!????

A. The paramedic, to support his work injury claim.
B. The Coroner, to save a lot of paperwork.
C. The shower salesman, if it will stand that, it will stand anything

lol: lol: lol:
Have to say that is a great advert for the quality of that shower. ...And the building if it is an upstairs bathroom. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 07, 2012, 06:25:44 PM: Obama has made history.......

1st Blackman to serve a second term without committing a murder or robbery.......

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 07, 2012, 06:33:07 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2012, 07:38:40 PM: http://youtu.be/oXCT6hWBXCw (http://youtu.be/oXCT6hWBXCw)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 07, 2012, 07:59:46 PM: I must watch the original some day. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2012, 08:08:47 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 07, 2012, 07:59:46 PM
I must watch the original some day. rubschin:

It is awesome Uncle! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 07, 2012, 08:10:35 PM: :thumbsup: It made me feel sorry for Hitler :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 08, 2012, 07:20:25 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Ftzjii3973%2Fimage.jpg&hash=6018f78b426fee00153b3e2577d1a59ffa17bca2) (http://postimage.org/image/tzjii3973/)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 08, 2012, 07:28:32 PM: An Unexpected Briefing #airnzhobbit (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBlRbrB_Gnc#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 08, 2012, 07:36:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 08, 2012, 07:20:25 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Ftzjii3973%2Fimage.jpg&hash=6018f78b426fee00153b3e2577d1a59ffa17bca2) (http://postimage.org/image/tzjii3973/)

eeek:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 08, 2012, 07:39:20 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 08, 2012, 07:20:25 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimage.org%2Ftzjii3973%2Fimage.jpg&hash=6018f78b426fee00153b3e2577d1a59ffa17bca2) (http://postimage.org/image/tzjii3973/)

eeek:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 15, 2012, 02:55:46 PM: John McAfee is wanted for murder.........

Bet his trial only lasts 30 days ,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2012, 04:47:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 15, 2012, 02:55:46 PM
John McAfee is wanted for murder.........

Bet his trial only lasts 30 days ,,,,,,,,,

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 15, 2012, 08:44:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 15, 2012, 02:55:46 PM
John McAfee is wanted for murder.........

Bet his trial only lasts 30 days ,,,,,,,,,

lol: lol:

.. and only the Mac will get locked up.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 20, 2012, 05:18:08 PM: Russian Women's Hockey Team

Relaxing After Winning Gold

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.beetlehook.com%2Frussianteam.jpg&hash=fd414f236c7bde3ed201131236b5dddb0abfc89b)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 20, 2012, 09:59:24 PM: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2012, 06:12:08 AM: Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2012, 09:09:10 PM: When Chelsea signed Roberto Di Matteo on a two season contract.....

did no one realise that meant summer and autumn?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2012, 10:32:19 PM: "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"..

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 21, 2012, 10:35:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 21, 2012, 10:32:19 PM

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"..

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 22, 2012, 05:06:26 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 21, 2012, 10:32:19 PM

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"..

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 22, 2012, 09:29:33 AM: IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 22, 2012, 10:42:15 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 22, 2012, 09:29:33 AM
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

lol: lol: lol:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:26:06 AM: lol: lol:

I tried #2 in the shower this morning. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 22, 2012, 11:31:58 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:26:06 AM
lol: lol:

I tried #2 in the shower this morning. noooo:

You had a shit in the shower? eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:36:29 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 22, 2012, 11:31:58 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:26:06 AM
lol: lol:

I tried #2 in the shower this morning. noooo:

You had a shit in the shower? eeek:

::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 22, 2012, 12:32:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 22, 2012, 11:31:58 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:26:06 AM
lol: lol:

I tried #2 in the shower this morning. noooo:

You had a shit in the shower? eeek:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 22, 2012, 01:53:07 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 22, 2012, 12:32:18 PM

Quote from: Barman on November 22, 2012, 11:31:58 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 22, 2012, 11:26:06 AM
lol: lol:

I tried #2 in the shower this morning. noooo:

You had a shit in the shower? eeek:
drumroll: drumroll:

Bunged up the plughole - prolly . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 24, 2012, 11:36:27 AM: My wife was like a dog in heat when I took her to Jamaica.

She died in the car.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2012, 11:57:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 24, 2012, 11:36:27 AM
My wife was like a dog in heat when I took her to Jamaica.

She died in the car.........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 26, 2012, 08:28:39 PM: I found a lump on my cock when I was in my mid-twenties. Seventeen years later, I'm still with her.

My bulimic daughter asked if she go could and play with her friends after her dinner. "No" I said, "It's barf then bed."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 26, 2012, 10:08:52 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on November 26, 2012, 08:28:39 PM
I found a lump on my cock when I was in my mid-twenties. Seventeen years later, I'm still with her.

My bulimic daughter asked if she go could and play with her friends after her dinner. "No" I said, "It's barf then bed."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2012, 05:48:35 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on November 26, 2012, 08:28:39 PM
I found a lump on my cock when I was in my mid-twenties. Seventeen years later, I'm still with her.

My bulimic daughter asked if she go could and play with her friends after her dinner. "No" I said, "It's barf then bed."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 27, 2012, 07:35:55 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 27, 2012, 10:10:03 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 27, 2012, 03:13:28 PM: One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2012, 03:15:29 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 27, 2012, 03:13:28 PM
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2012, 03:28:50 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on November 27, 2012, 03:13:28 PM
One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 27, 2012, 09:31:24 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2012, 11:00:59 PM: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2239474/Youve-ad-The-daft-spoof-small-ads-joker-shop-windows.html

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 27, 2012, 11:11:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2012, 11:00:59 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2239474/Youve-ad-The-daft-spoof-small-ads-joker-shop-windows.html

;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 28, 2012, 06:16:42 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2012, 06:34:24 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2012, 11:00:59 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2239474/Youve-ad-The-daft-spoof-small-ads-joker-shop-windows.html

;D

Excellent! lol:

The saddest thing was that the Daily Fail thought it necessary to print an explanation under each one for its hard-of-understanding readers... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2012, 09:07:54 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 28, 2012, 06:34:24 AM
the Daily Fail thought it necessary to print an explanation under each one

I found that quite helpful. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2012, 09:10:40 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2012, 09:07:54 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 28, 2012, 06:34:24 AM
the Daily Fail thought it necessary to print an explanation under each one

I found that quite helpful. redface:

lol: Silly sod!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 30, 2012, 12:59:34 PM: My wife tried backing her computer up earlier.

Unsurprisingly, it crashed................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 30, 2012, 01:05:33 PM: ;D ;D

she should have stopped when she heard the beep, beep, beep.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 30, 2012, 01:10:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 30, 2012, 12:59:34 PM

My wife tried backing her computer up earlier.

Unsurprisingly, it crashed................

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 02, 2012, 12:31:10 PM: I often sleep in my wife's knickers..........

They make a great hammock..................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 02, 2012, 12:32:21 PM: Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 02, 2012, 12:36:14 PM: Black people are black because they have higher concentrations of melanin............

Water melanin?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 02, 2012, 12:40:50 PM: A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
'Where,' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 02, 2012, 01:02:26 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 02, 2012, 12:40:50 PM
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
'Where,' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.'

Copyright Bob Hope, circa 1953. whistle: ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 05, 2012, 08:37:33 PM: Kate Middleton is pregnant. Now she will have to start eating for one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 05, 2012, 08:51:07 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2012, 06:16:49 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on December 05, 2012, 08:37:33 PM
Kate Middleton is pregnant. Now she will have to start eating for one.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2012, 08:59:31 AM: “Dad?”
“Yes son?”
“You know how you told me where babies come from?”
“Yes. Do you have any questions?”
“Well, yes, Our teacher was telling us about gay people today”
“I see”
“What does gay mean?”
“Well, it means that insatead of being attracted to the opposite sex, you are attracted to your own”
“So do they fall in love?”
“I guess so”
“So you said the man and the woman fall in love, get married and have babies. Can gay people have babies?”
“Not directly, they can get someone to help”
“But it’s not a real baby, you told me I was a bit of you and a bit of Mum”
“Yes”
“And can they get married?”
“Not at the moment.”
“So they shouldn’t have children”
“Well they can’t anyway, really”
“So why do they want to get married?”
“Er”
“Dad, you said the man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina”
“Yes”
“What do gay men do?”
“Well, they use their anus like a vagina”
“Where my poo comes out?”
“Yes”
“It must hurt”
“At first, I guess”
“It must stink with all that poo”
“They seem to like it”
“But what about two women, Dad, what do they do? They don’t even have a penis”
“Sit down, son, Dad will just bring something up on redtube for us both to watch”
“Smashing!”

lol: lol: lol:

From here... (http://www.4liberty.org.uk/2012/12/14/because-it-is-irrelevant/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 17, 2012, 02:49:36 PM: When I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, my doctor spent time explaining the various symptoms I would experience as my health deteriorated. The symptom he mentioned that worried me most, was the occasional loss of sight.

"And how often should I expect to suffer that, doctor?" I asked.

"Every time you shake your glasses off."

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 17, 2012, 05:34:49 PM: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 19, 2012, 03:45:35 PM: My thoughts are with the Andre family at this sad time.

I'm thinking, 'Why couldn't it have been Peter.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 19, 2012, 06:15:06 PM: lol: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 19, 2012, 11:34:31 PM: The phone rings, and LL answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 19, 2012, 11:35:58 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2012, 11:34:31 PM
The phone rings, and LL answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 19, 2012, 11:38:06 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2012, 11:34:31 PM
The phone rings, and LL answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 20, 2012, 06:08:43 AM: Who'd have thought the Credit Crunch would save the world?

One day left on the Mayan calendar, and the Comet has been destroyed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 20, 2012, 06:09:29 AM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2012, 11:17:50 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2012, 11:34:31 PM
The phone rings, and LL answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 20, 2012, 02:32:14 PM: BBC News have announced that Dutch sky diver who died after his chute failed to open was Mark van den Boogaard.

Now Known as 'Well and Truly' Boogaard.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2012, 02:34:24 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on December 20, 2012, 02:32:14 PM
BBC News have announced that Dutch sky diver who died after his chute failed to open was Mark van den Boogaard.

Now Known as 'Well and Truly' Boogaard.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2012, 06:37:46 PM: Knock, knock...
Who's there?
The interrupting duck!
The int-QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2012, 06:58:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2012, 06:37:46 PM
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
The interrupting duck!
The int-QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

happy001

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2012, 07:07:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 20, 2012, 06:58:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2012, 06:37:46 PM
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
The interrupting duck!
The int-QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!

happy001

tunble:

Admit it - you larfed.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 20, 2012, 07:08:08 PM: Did you learn that one in the playground?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2012, 07:12:40 PM: Quote from: Baldy on December 20, 2012, 07:08:08 PM
Did you learn that one in the playground?

::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 22, 2012, 07:33:19 AM: I've just started a new Muslim 80s tribute band. We're called Quran Quran.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2012, 08:26:01 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on December 22, 2012, 07:33:19 AM
I've just started a new Muslim 80s tribute band. We're called Quran Quran.

And I've just started a vegetarian 80s tribute band called Quorn Quorn... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 22, 2012, 05:58:17 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 24, 2012, 04:57:37 PM: So the Hillsborough Disaster song has reached Christmas number 1.

Crushing all the opposition............. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 24, 2012, 05:06:21 PM: noooo:

There’s a new Liverpool version been made of Silence of the Lambs, it's called....Shurrup Ewes
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 24, 2012, 05:14:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 24, 2012, 04:57:37 PM
So the Hillsborough Disaster song has reached Christmas number 1.

Crushing all the opposition............. redface:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 26, 2012, 11:16:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 24, 2012, 05:14:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 24, 2012, 04:57:37 PM
So the Hillsborough Disaster song has reached Christmas number 1.

Crushing all the opposition............. redface:

lol:

That does not go well .............Baldy was there (the only one laughing ),,,,,,you could hear a pin drop .......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2012, 08:09:33 AM: Opps! point: point: point:

Thing is, 50% of them will be telling it to others today :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2012, 11:57:43 AM: Q. What cheese do you use to tempt Growler down from his hill...?

A. Camembert! happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2012, 12:07:45 PM: noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Fkx9jqxldh%2Fpin_drop.jpg&hash=121c9a5e0c936a2ff4d2a5a8a8c34d25dca4a0c8) (http://postimage.org/image/kx9jqxldh/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 27, 2012, 12:09:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2012, 12:07:45 PM
noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.postimage.org%2Fkx9jqxldh%2Fpin_drop.jpg&hash=121c9a5e0c936a2ff4d2a5a8a8c34d25dca4a0c8) (http://postimage.org/image/kx9jqxldh/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2012, 12:10:18 PM: I'm too good for this place.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on December 27, 2012, 12:11:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2012, 12:10:18 PM
I'm too good for this place.... evil:

It is known as "Leaving the stage to the sound of your own footsteps" as I'm sure apc will be well able to confirm.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 27, 2012, 12:16:27 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on December 27, 2012, 12:11:57 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2012, 12:10:18 PM
I'm too good for this place.... evil:

It is known as "Leaving the stage to the sound of your own footsteps" as I'm sure apc will be well able to confirm.

Never had it happen to me .......but worked with a young guy last year who got savaged .........I had to jump in ....felt so bad for him ....... noooo: he never did stand-up again .........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2012, 12:19:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2012, 12:16:27 PM
Quote from: Snoopy on December 27, 2012, 12:11:57 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2012, 12:10:18 PM
I'm too good for this place.... evil:

It is known as "Leaving the stage to the sound of your own footsteps" as I'm sure apc will be well able to confirm.

Never had it happen to me .......but worked with a young guy last year who got savaged .........I had to jump in ....felt so bad for him ....... noooo: he never did stand-up again .........

Never short of rotten fruit tho I expect.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on December 28, 2012, 10:34:42 AM: In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort"........
........The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 28, 2012, 12:10:38 PM: AFFS>>>>>>
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on December 30, 2012, 11:27:57 AM: Maybe it is - but, if you're expecting me to trawl through 120+ pages to see if something has been posted previously, well, you'll be in for a long wait!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 01, 2013, 08:49:15 AM: I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 01, 2013, 08:51:34 AM: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 01, 2013, 09:08:27 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2013, 09:14:08 AM: Thats the trouble with odd numbers at the dinner table Miss D .. always that stray cracker! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 01, 2013, 09:27:34 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 01, 2013, 08:51:34 AM
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 01, 2013, 09:34:35 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 01, 2013, 08:49:15 AM
I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

Just too close to the truth to be laughed at. sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 01, 2013, 10:48:53 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 01, 2013, 08:49:15 AM
I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 01, 2013, 03:12:58 PM: Ladies, check out this really cool trick that will make you very popular with the guys.

Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 01, 2013, 03:14:17 PM: razz: scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2013, 03:18:27 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 01, 2013, 03:12:58 PM
Ladies, check out this really cool trick that will make you very popular with the guys.

Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 02, 2013, 01:12:32 PM: Why do they put artificial flavouring in lemon juice - and real lemon juice in washing up liquid....? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 04, 2013, 07:53:14 AM: One day I might just change all of my passwords to 'Women' since nobody can seem to figure them out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 05, 2013, 09:25:09 AM: I won the meat raffle in the pub. Wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2013, 11:16:25 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 05, 2013, 09:25:09 AM
I won the meat raffle in the pub. Wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 06, 2013, 08:41:21 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 05, 2013, 09:25:09 AM
I won the meat raffle in the pub. Wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 07, 2013, 07:40:58 PM: Please let this be true

To commemorate her 79th eeek: birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 07, 2013, 07:47:33 PM: Didn't she raise eyebrows by getting her jugs out in a film..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 07, 2013, 08:01:11 PM: S.O.B or summat rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 07, 2013, 08:32:21 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 07, 2013, 08:01:11 PM
S.O.B or summat rubschin:

Only asked........ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 07, 2013, 08:57:03 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 07, 2013, 08:57:39 PM: 10 but the Sound of Music was much better.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 09, 2013, 07:46:58 AM: Jump in and I'll take you home I said to my dwarf neighbour who was sat at the bus stop today ......
Fuck off he replied! ...
Suit yourself then, I said as I straightened up my backpack and continued my walk....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2013, 08:00:30 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2013, 07:46:58 AM
Jump in and I'll take you home I said to my dwarf neighbour who was sat at the bus stop today ......
Fuck off he replied! ...
Suit yourself then, I said as I straightened up my backpack and continued my walk....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 09, 2013, 12:07:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2013, 07:46:58 AM
Jump in and I'll take you home I said to my dwarf neighbour who was sat at the bus stop today ......
Fuck off he replied! ...
Suit yourself then, I said as I straightened up my backpack and continued my walk....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2013, 07:22:13 PM: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" ... he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have got out today!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2013, 07:26:54 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 10, 2013, 07:22:13 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" ... he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have got out today!"

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 12, 2013, 09:20:15 AM: Will it never end. It has been reported that BBC's Andrew Marr had a stroke. No news yet as to how old the victim is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 12, 2013, 09:22:04 AM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2013, 07:53:31 PM: Another bus gangrape in India.

I don't know, you wait ages for one... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2013, 08:07:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2013, 07:53:31 PM
Another bus gangrape in India.

I don't know, you wait ages for one... redface:

noooo: noooo: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2013, 08:10:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2013, 07:53:31 PM
Another bus gangrape in India.

I don't know, you wait ages for one... redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 14, 2013, 06:25:12 AM: My mate's going on Embarrassing Bodies tomorrow. He's got a huge Aston Villa tattoo on his back
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 14, 2013, 06:25:36 AM: Two chavs were having a pint when they started arguing. One said, "Do you want to take this inside, mate?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2013, 06:39:27 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 14, 2013, 06:43:34 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol: (to both)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2013, 10:43:18 PM: 'BBC out of touch with the young generation'.

It's probably for the best that they don't go back there....... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 14, 2013, 11:03:13 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2013, 10:43:18 PM

'BBC out of touch with the young generation'.

It's probably for the best that they don't go back there....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2013, 06:55:26 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 14, 2013, 11:03:13 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2013, 10:43:18 PM

'BBC out of touch with the young generation'.

It's probably for the best that they don't go back there....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 15, 2013, 10:49:53 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 15, 2013, 06:55:26 AM
Quote from: Baldy on January 14, 2013, 11:03:13 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2013, 10:43:18 PM

'BBC out of touch with the young generation'.

It's probably for the best that they don't go back there....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 15, 2013, 09:26:54 PM: I don't really understand all this sectarian violence in Ireland. Over here in England we keep a much tighter rein on our typists
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 15, 2013, 09:36:56 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 16, 2013, 07:34:01 AM: Do typists still exist in the work place?

The typing pool, ah, such memories cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 16, 2013, 11:10:44 AM: Always the place to go when you fancied a quick dip.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 16, 2013, 11:14:25 AM: Quote from: Snoopy on January 16, 2013, 11:10:44 AM
Always the place to go when you fancied a quick dip.

The clatter of Remingtons and the smell of ribbon and carbon paper. cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 16, 2013, 12:00:31 PM: Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some beef burgers. So that's some white rum, some dark rum and some Red Rum.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 16, 2013, 12:24:37 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 16, 2013, 12:00:31 PM
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some beef burgers. So that's some white rum, some dark rum and some Red Rum.
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2013, 01:19:25 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 16, 2013, 12:00:31 PM
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some beef burgers. So that's some white rum, some dark rum and some Red Rum.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 16, 2013, 09:31:49 PM: I've just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.

Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2013, 09:38:25 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 16, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
I've just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.

Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall?

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2013, 09:55:37 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 16, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
I've just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.

Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 16, 2013, 10:42:39 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 16, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
I've just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.

Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 16, 2013, 10:47:36 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fkq5q50xzv%2Fevery_little_helps.jpg&hash=75081ee5fa5bdbd267e571bf355e4ddbac8e17bf) (http://postimage.org/image/kq5q50xzv/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 16, 2013, 10:52:01 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2013, 10:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fkq5q50xzv%2Fevery_little_helps.jpg&hash=75081ee5fa5bdbd267e571bf355e4ddbac8e17bf) (http://postimage.org/image/kq5q50xzv/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 17, 2013, 05:41:51 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2013, 10:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fkq5q50xzv%2Fevery_little_helps.jpg&hash=75081ee5fa5bdbd267e571bf355e4ddbac8e17bf) (http://postimage.org/image/kq5q50xzv/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 17, 2013, 06:45:29 AM: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers. Camel toe found in Primark leggings.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 17, 2013, 07:47:42 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 17, 2013, 06:45:29 AM
Horse meat found in Tesco burgers. Camel toe found in Primark leggings.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2013, 09:35:14 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2013, 10:47:36 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimage.org%2Fkq5q50xzv%2Fevery_little_helps.jpg&hash=75081ee5fa5bdbd267e571bf355e4ddbac8e17bf) (http://postimage.org/image/kq5q50xzv/)

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 17, 2013, 10:55:08 AM: My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on January 17, 2013, 10:58:09 AM: < GROAN > noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2013, 11:35:12 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 17, 2013, 10:55:08 AM
My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

:thumbsup:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 17, 2013, 02:39:17 PM: Just been to McDonalds - they asked me if I wanted anything on my burger, I said "yeah, a fiver each way"...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2013, 02:49:15 PM: If you are worried about Tesco burgers.........

Try their asian meatballs..............there are the dogs bollocks............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2013, 05:07:47 PM: Storks bring people into the world,

Cranes take them out...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2013, 05:21:34 PM: Vacany- central London ....

Crane operator required..

Must be able to work on a rotor..............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2013, 12:05:17 AM: For fuck sake please tell me someone has checked Tesco's cock-a-leeky soup !!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 18, 2013, 06:13:49 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2013, 12:05:17 AM
For fuck sake please tell me someone has checked Tesco's cock-a-leeky soup !!!!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 18, 2013, 08:57:08 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2013, 12:05:17 AM
For fuck sake please tell me someone has checked Tesco's cock-a-leeky soup !!!!

I notice their bakery has a lot of 'Seeded Batch' left as well.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on January 18, 2013, 05:02:32 PM: Helicopter crashes in Central London. Vauxhall Cross

Cross? They were bloody furious!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 18, 2013, 06:02:05 PM: From what I recall of Vauxhall an huge explosion would be an improvement noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on January 18, 2013, 06:31:43 PM: Very desirable area now, handy for those needing to respond to the Division Bell and sit facing the other way on the bus whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 22, 2013, 11:22:54 PM: William and Kate are thinking of naming their baby Diana if it's a girl to honour his mother.................

Prince Phillip wants them to call it Mercedes or Paris,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 23, 2013, 07:24:31 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 22, 2013, 11:22:54 PM
William and Kate are thinking of naming their baby Diana if it's a girl to honour his mother.................

Prince Phillip wants them to call it Mercedes or Paris,

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 23, 2013, 05:28:39 PM: I notice a lot of the horse racing has been cancelled lately.

Weather related or Tesco restocking?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 23, 2013, 07:13:45 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on January 23, 2013, 05:28:39 PM
I notice a lot of the horse racing has been cancelled lately.

Weather related or Tesco restocking?

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 29, 2013, 06:31:46 PM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/01/28/jeremy-kyle-reunites-adopted-snow-leopard-with-biological-parents/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/01/28/jeremy-kyle-reunites-adopted-snow-leopard-with-biological-parents/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 30, 2013, 02:08:44 PM: Looking forward to seeing Jeremy Kyle on loose women in the near future...

At least they will have a reason to talk bollocks for a change....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 30, 2013, 05:17:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 30, 2013, 02:08:44 PM
Looking forward to seeing Jeremy Kyle on loose women in the near future...

At least they will have a reason to talk bollocks for a change....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:10:34 PM: My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache...

I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:12:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:10:34 PM
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache...

I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM: Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:36:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM
Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:53:06 PM: Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:36:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM
Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

I knew you would get that one............. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:54:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:53:06 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:36:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM
Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

I knew you would get that one............. whistle:

I was the cameraman. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 01, 2013, 06:04:41 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM
Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2013, 06:56:26 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:54:25 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:53:06 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2013, 11:36:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2013, 11:25:59 PM
Ron Jeremy is in hospital.....

I could have sworn I saw that one......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

I knew you would get that one............. whistle:

I was the cameraman. Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 02, 2013, 07:09:56 PM: Muslim prisoners are up in arms, after learning that some of the meat served to them may have been humanely killed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 02, 2013, 07:13:31 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 02, 2013, 07:09:56 PM
Muslim prisoners are up in arms, after learning that some of the meat served to them may have been humanely killed.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 02, 2013, 08:13:55 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2013, 09:17:12 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 02, 2013, 07:09:56 PM
Muslim prisoners are up in arms, after learning that some of the meat served to them may have been humanely killed.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 01:35:54 PM: Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.........

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler. ....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 04, 2013, 01:38:53 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 01:35:54 PM
Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.........

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler. ....

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 04, 2013, 01:55:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 01:35:54 PM
Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.........

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler. ....

happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 04, 2013, 03:53:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 01:35:54 PM
Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.........

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler. ....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 04, 2013, 08:41:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 01:35:54 PM
Police 'stole identities of dead children' to give undercover officers new identities.........

"We can't understand what all the fuss is about." said detective Jamie Bulger & WPC Milly Dowler. ....

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 04, 2013, 08:48:44 PM: evil:

Anyhoo...

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.

•   She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.

•   Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.

•   Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.

•   She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. (Miss D ?)

•   She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.

•   Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.

•   With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.

•   Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 08:51:58 PM: Quote from: Pirate on February 04, 2013, 08:48:44 PM
evil:

Anyhoo...

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.

•   She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.

•   Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.

•   Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.

•   She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. (Miss D ?)

•   She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.

•   Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.

•   With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.

•   Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

my dad had that on a tea towel''''''''''' :thumbsup:

in 1970.......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 04, 2013, 09:05:30 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 08:51:58 PM
Quote from: Pirate on February 04, 2013, 08:48:44 PM
evil:

Anyhoo...

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.

•   She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.

•   Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.

•   Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.

•   She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. (Miss D ?)

•   She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.

•   Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.

•   With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.

•   Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

my dad had that on a tea towel''''''''''' :thumbsup:

in 1970.......... whistle:

Shrugs: I just nicked it off Cyprus Dying like.

Where do you get your jokes from...UKLA?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 04, 2013, 09:38:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 04, 2013, 08:51:58 PM
Quote from: Pirate on February 04, 2013, 08:48:44 PM
evil:

Anyhoo...

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.

•   She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.

•   Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.

•   Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.

•   She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. (Miss D ?)

•   She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.

•   Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.

•   With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.

•   Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

my dad had that on a tea towel''''''''''' :thumbsup:

in 1970.......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM: Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 05, 2013, 01:49:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM
Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:

noooo: noooo: noooo:

All the lezzers I've seen on Tube 8 seem fine to me rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:52:14 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 05, 2013, 01:49:33 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM
Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:

noooo: noooo: noooo:

All the lezzers I've seen on Tube 8 seem fine to me rubschin:

So that's why you are up.......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 05, 2013, 01:56:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:52:14 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Young's) on February 05, 2013, 01:49:33 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM
Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:

noooo: noooo: noooo:

All the lezzers I've seen on Tube 8 seem fine to me rubschin:

So that's why you are up.......... rubschin:

I'm actually watching The Meteors - seems I'll never grow up redface:

The Meteors Pure Evil Live + 3 Interviews (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD4iU6eflMU#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 05, 2013, 07:13:54 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM
Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 05, 2013, 07:14:18 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2013, 01:44:12 AM
Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters."

What a dirty lezzer she is. ..... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 06, 2013, 09:25:01 AM: My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.

The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.

Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 06, 2013, 09:26:56 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 06, 2013, 09:25:01 AM
My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.

The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.

Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

happy001 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:06:20 PM: She said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst wanking?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:08:29 PM: She's leaving me because I'm a 'Nosey Bastard'!

According to her diary.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 07, 2013, 10:10:47 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:08:29 PM
She's leaving me because I'm a 'Nosey Bastard'!

According to her diary.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 07, 2013, 10:12:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:06:20 PM
She said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst wanking?"

lol: Possibly an AFFS on here or I have heard it elsewhere.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 07, 2013, 11:27:46 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 07, 2013, 10:12:13 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:06:20 PM
She said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst wanking?"

lol: Possibly an AFFS on here or I have heard it elsewhere.

No or maybe ...........one of mine,,,,, redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 06:15:08 AM: I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me, "You're the first man to give me an orgasm."

"That's OK love," I said to her. "No need to flatter me"

"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 06:38:21 AM: 30 years today since Shergar was last seen...Police now issue photofit of getaway vehicle!

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F867evdlw9%2Ftesco_delivery.jpg&hash=60a46cf518184831648a99bd2308494d25a8d049) (http://postimage.org/image/867evdlw9/)

(Thirty years!!!)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on February 08, 2013, 07:03:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 06:38:21 AM
30 years today since Shergar was last seen...Police now issue photofit of getaway vehicle!

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimage.org%2F867evdlw9%2Ftesco_delivery.jpg&hash=60a46cf518184831648a99bd2308494d25a8d049) (http://postimage.org/image/867evdlw9/)

(Thirty years!!!)

lol: lol:This will be shared I'm afraid.

(Thirty years oh good grief!!!)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2013, 07:18:30 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2013, 10:08:29 PM
She's leaving me because I'm a 'Nosey Bastard'!

According to her diary.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 08:04:09 PM: I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames ?

I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 08, 2013, 08:17:23 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 08:04:09 PM
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames ?

I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2013, 05:38:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 08, 2013, 08:04:09 PM
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames ?

I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2013, 10:31:06 PM: They say you are what you eat.

No wonder my wife is such a fucking nag...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2013, 10:37:14 PM: I am 100% for gays marrying.

The queer bastards should be as miserable as fuck, the same as I am............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2013, 06:04:04 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 10, 2013, 10:18:57 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 10, 2013, 06:15:32 PM: Tesco's have withdrawn Fox's biscuits from shelves after DNA tests revealed they contained traces of Babies fingers..............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2013, 09:21:46 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 10, 2013, 06:15:32 PM

Tesco's have withdrawn Fox's biscuits from shelves after DNA tests revealed they contained traces of Babies fingers..............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2013, 11:15:31 AM: If the Catholic Church goes from a pope who was a member of the Hitler Youth, to a black pope then I take my big pointy hat off to them.........

That takes more balls than a choir boy turning up to church wearing a pair of crotchless knickers the wrong way round..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 13, 2013, 11:22:28 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2013, 11:15:31 AM

If the Catholic Church goes from a pope who was a member of the Hitler Youth, to a black pope then I take my big pointy hat off to them.........

That takes more balls than a choir boy turning up to church wearing a pair of crotchless knickers the wrong way round..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2013, 11:26:56 AM: Sexism is just as bad as racism............

remember there's loads of lazy black women who won't work too.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2013, 11:29:23 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2013, 11:26:56 AM
Sexism is just as bad as racism............

remember there's loads of lazy black women who won't work too.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 13, 2013, 11:39:36 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2013, 11:26:56 AM
Sexism is just as bad as racism............

remember there's loads of lazy black women who won't work too.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 14, 2013, 09:04:08 PM: Fantastic news from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نق سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2013, 09:17:58 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 14, 2013, 09:04:08 PM
Fantastic news from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نق سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 14, 2013, 10:17:49 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 14, 2013, 09:04:08 PM
Fantastic news from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رsocial securityفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نق سايه دگر نمي دان نورincome support اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفتchild allowance سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ماپيدا
نيست نقشjob seekers allowance

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2013, 08:10:04 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 14, 2013, 09:04:08 PM
Fantastic news from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نق سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 03:41:48 PM: The guy who plays Kevin Webster in Corrie has been accused of 19 sex offences, including one of raping a child, police say......

If convicted, it'll be the first time the Soap has dropped a prisoner......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2013, 03:48:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 03:41:48 PM

The guy who plays Kevin Webster in Corrie has been accused of 19 sex offences, including one of raping a child, police say......

If convicted, it'll be the first time the Soap has dropped a prisoner......

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 03:51:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 15, 2013, 03:48:19 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 03:41:48 PM

The guy who plays Kevin Webster in Corrie has been accused of 19 sex offences, including one of raping a child, police say......

If convicted, it'll be the first time the Soap has dropped a prisoner......

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:

He's a shit mechanic anyway.........

He ruined that 10 year old mercedes he did........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2013, 04:27:59 PM: Medical researchers have just announced that they have discovered a new illness which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure.

Fortunately no cases have been reported yet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 15, 2013, 06:45:56 PM: What's blue and full of Haribos

Kevin Webster's overalls
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2013, 06:56:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 15, 2013, 06:45:56 PM
What's blue and full of Haribos

Kevin Webster's overalls

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 15, 2013, 07:44:24 PM: Big news coming out of the Vatican.....

The best money is on kevin Webster...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 16, 2013, 10:12:35 AM: A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know, but today, they have their eyes open." drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2013, 11:24:03 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 16, 2013, 10:12:35 AM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know, but today, they have their eyes open." drumroll:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 16, 2013, 11:32:21 AM: You had one job (http://hadonejob.com/)

Just scroll through them noooo: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2013, 11:46:16 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 16, 2013, 11:32:21 AM
You had one job (http://hadonejob.com/)

Just scroll through them noooo: happy001

happy001

An amazing collection! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM: Which ones were yours rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:36:15 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

You'd be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are stuck in the middle of the road here.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:37:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

I'll fess up.... redface:

Many years ago when I was living at home like.... I bolted a mahoosive loudspeaker to the wall in my bedroom for the full stereo effect, wired it in all neatly like...

...and then discovered the bedroom door wouldn't close.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 17, 2013, 09:46:23 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:37:48 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

I'll fess up.... redface:

Many years ago when I was living at home like.... I bolted a mahoosive loudspeaker to the wall in my bedroom for the full stereo effect, wired it in all neatly like...

...and then discovered the bedroom door wouldn't close.... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:50:18 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:36:15 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

You'd be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are stuck in the middle of the road here.... noooo:

You'll not be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are on the footways and verges here and still get feckin' hit ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 17, 2013, 09:53:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:50:18 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:36:15 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

You'd be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are stuck in the middle of the road here.... noooo:

You'll not be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are on the footways and verges here and still get feckin' hit ;)

If you saw the way the locals drive over here noooo: the safest place is to put them in the middle of the road. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 17, 2013, 10:29:36 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 17, 2013, 09:53:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:50:18 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2013, 09:36:15 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Which ones were yours rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

You'd be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are stuck in the middle of the road here.... noooo:

You'll not be amazed at how many telegraph/power poles are on the footways and verges here and still get feckin' hit ;)

If you saw the way the locals drive over here noooo: the safest place is to put them in the middle of the road. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 24, 2013, 06:05:08 PM: Apparently Oscar Pistorious wanted a new bathroom door........

but his missus was dead against it.,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 24, 2013, 06:20:05 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 24, 2013, 06:22:42 PM: So, Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his name to Jermaine Jacksun for 'artistic reasons'.

What a cont...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 24, 2013, 06:49:57 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2013, 07:11:04 PM: What's got 2 legs and kills women ?

The Pistorius brothers....................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2013, 07:12:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2013, 07:11:04 PM

What's got 2 legs and kills women ?

The Pistorius brothers....................

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2013, 07:17:18 PM: Strange ..................this year I've not heard .....A good night at the Oscars.......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2013, 07:18:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2013, 07:17:18 PM
Strange ..................this year I've not heard .....A good night at the Oscars.......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2013, 11:07:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2013, 07:12:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2013, 07:11:04 PM

What's got 2 legs and kills women ?

The Pistorius brothers....................

happy001
happy001 x 2
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 26, 2013, 07:37:12 AM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM: A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:24:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

Two reasons:

1) She may fancy a snack later . . . And
2) The joke wouldn't work if she didn't . . .

OK?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:26:44 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:24:59 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

Two reasons:

1) She may fancy a snack later . . . And
2) The joke wouldn't work if she didn't . . .

OK?

Yes, I suppose.... rubschin:

I'm still not 100% happy tho - I'm gonna downgrade my lol: lol: lol: to lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 26, 2013, 09:37:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

She is taking the other bag to the Ginsters sausage roll factory.

Walls only have ears.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:50:45 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 26, 2013, 09:37:58 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

She is taking the other bag to the Ginsters sausage roll factory.

Walls only have ears.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 26, 2013, 09:51:36 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 26, 2013, 09:37:58 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

She is taking the other bag to the Ginsters sausage roll factory.

Walls only have ears.

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 26, 2013, 11:55:38 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 26, 2013, 09:37:58 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 26, 2013, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 26, 2013, 09:18:41 AM
A sweet little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays." Said the sweet little old lady

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:

Why would she be dragging both bags along the street....? Shrugs:

She is taking the other bag to the Ginsters sausage roll factory.

Walls only have ears.
happy001 happy001 happy001 MG and DS
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2013, 02:28:21 PM: Kate McCann's book about the disappearance of Madeleine is to be turned into a film.

Sources are unsure what certificate the movie will get , but say it is unlikely to be one for Parental Guidance.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 27, 2013, 03:16:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2013, 02:28:21 PM

Kate McCann's book about the disappearance of Madeleine is to be turned into a film.

Sources are unsure what certificate the movie will get , but say it is unlikely to be one for Parental Guidance.............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 27, 2013, 06:24:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2013, 02:28:21 PM

Kate McCann's book about the disappearance of Madeleine is to be turned into a film.

Sources are unsure what certificate the movie will get , but say it is unlikely to be one for Parental Guidance.............

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 02, 2013, 02:44:19 PM: Egyptian balloon rides now sponsored by Pringles................. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2013, 03:06:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2013, 02:44:19 PM

Egyptian balloon rides now sponsored by Pringles................. whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 02, 2013, 03:46:12 PM: For just 3 pounds a week you can help a disabled African............

Tell the fecking difference between a robber and his girlfriend.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2013, 04:17:47 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2013, 03:46:12 PM
For just 3 pounds a week you can help a disabled African............

Tell the fecking difference between a robber and his girlfriend.........

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 03, 2013, 07:07:44 PM: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 04, 2013, 09:33:43 PM: As another royal lies in hospital, our thoughts are with the family of any receptionist on a waiting list for a sense of humour transplant............

(a little bit late redface: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2013, 06:34:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 04, 2013, 09:33:43 PM

As another royal lies in hospital, our thoughts are with the family of any receptionist on a waiting list for a sense of humour transplant............

(a little bit late redface: )

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2013, 08:39:43 PM: Carina Trimingham won't be the only one in the relationship to have had a bisexual experience...................

when her partner Chris Huhne gets out of jail......................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2013, 09:19:26 PM: You can tell when its really cold in the UK

The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets !!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2013, 09:20:23 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2013, 09:19:26 PM
You can tell when its really cold in the UK

The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets !!!!

OI............ cussing: does no one read my posts..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2013, 09:21:17 PM: Nope whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2013, 09:30:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 11, 2013, 08:39:43 PM

Carina Trimingham won't be the only one in the relationship to have had a bisexual experience...................

when her partner Chris Huhne gets out of jail......................

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2013, 09:31:10 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on March 11, 2013, 09:19:26 PM
You can tell when its really cold in the UK

The Eastern Europeans keep their hands in their own fucking pockets !!!!

AFFS! point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 13, 2013, 08:29:48 PM: When interviewed today by a reporter for the BBC, two American students have signalled their hopes for a newly elected Pontiff to be a 'Pope for young people.'

Oh, don't you worry about that..............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2013, 08:45:35 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 13, 2013, 08:29:48 PM
When interviewed today by a reporter for the BBC, two American students have signalled their hopes for a newly elected Pontiff to be a 'Pope for young people.'

Oh, don't you worry about that..............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 14, 2013, 03:05:16 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 13, 2013, 08:29:48 PM
When interviewed today by a reporter for the BBC, two American students have signalled their hopes for a newly elected Pontiff to be a 'Pope for young people.'

Oh, don't you worry about that..............

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 14, 2013, 04:14:14 AM: A bloke with a gun goes in to a pub and shouts "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"

A voice at the back says "You do not have enough bullets mate"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2013, 07:36:33 AM: Quote from: Baldy on March 14, 2013, 04:14:14 AM
A bloke with a gun goes in to a pub and shouts "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"

A voice at the back says "You do not have enough bullets mate"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 12:07:24 PM: Crap singer, but lots of memories there for me

We didn't own an Ipad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2013, 12:24:23 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 12:07:24 PM
Crap singer, but lots of memories there for me

We didn't own an Ipad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE#)

Awesome.......... :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2013, 12:53:57 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 12:07:24 PM
Crap singer, but lots of memories there for me

We didn't own an Ipad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE#)

Most excellent!

I remember all of that... redface:

But I can't remember what I did yesterday.... noooo:

Over.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2013, 01:04:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2013, 12:53:57 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 12:07:24 PM
Crap singer, but lots of memories there for me

We didn't own an Ipad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE#)

Most excellent!

I remember all of that... redface:

But I can't remember what I did yesterday.... noooo:

Over.

Wot he said^^ but the memory loss could be booze..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2013, 01:06:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2013, 01:04:38 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2013, 12:53:57 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 12:07:24 PM
Crap singer, but lots of memories there for me

We didn't own an Ipad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE#)

Most excellent!

I remember all of that... redface:

But I can't remember what I did yesterday.... noooo:

Over.

Wot he said^^ but the memory loss could be booze..... rubschin:

Much cheaper that physcotherapy. I reckon we all have so much we'd rather forget about
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2013, 02:11:42 PM: My In Box at 13.51. Probably was in Affs' years ago

Anyway a new? angle on the Scouse earthquake. Prolly have to have lived in Thanet to know the truth of it all

_________________________THANET HURRICANE APPEAL____________________
A hurricane (Hurricane Carly) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Thanet in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Margate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Drug dealer arrived.

KMFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Thanet . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Claire's and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£7 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Red WKD and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Newington" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Thanet - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 04:29:32 PM: Yup. An Affs with a number of Affs aftershocks
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2013, 06:19:03 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 16, 2013, 04:29:32 PM
Yup. An Affs with a number of Affs aftershocks

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 23, 2013, 09:39:25 PM: Mieders Alpine Coaster (with no brakes!!) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqCkICXWdWI#)

Let's go round again whacky068
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 24, 2013, 05:20:09 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 23, 2013, 09:39:25 PM
Mieders Alpine Coaster (with no brakes!!) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqCkICXWdWI#)

Let's go round again whacky068

How cool! Thumbs:

I did a similar thing at Winter Park, Colorado... not as long as that tho...

They also rented out mountain bikes... clipped them to the ski lift, taken up to the top of the slops and zoooomed down again...and again... and again.... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 24, 2013, 05:04:03 PM: Channel Four have launched a new channel aimed at young black viewers........

It`s called " Four on remand."........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 24, 2013, 05:07:52 PM: Car Bomb At a Pakistani Army Check Point Kills 17.........

So the car wasn't full then........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 24, 2013, 05:38:26 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 24, 2013, 06:13:51 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 24, 2013, 11:44:34 PM: optical illusion dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44mw37d8LQw#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 25, 2013, 12:01:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 24, 2013, 11:44:34 PM
optical illusion dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44mw37d8LQw#)

:thumbsup: thought Miss T posted that .......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2013, 05:33:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 24, 2013, 11:44:34 PM
optical illusion dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44mw37d8LQw#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 30, 2013, 11:07:22 AM: There are some bars, some grey walls, a toilet and a big black man.....

Can you guess what it is yet ?............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 30, 2013, 11:13:57 AM: Is it wise to

let me try some cheating adjustment
Quote from: apc2010 on March 30, 2013, 11:07:22 AM
There are some bars, some grey walls, a toilet and a big black ~~man~~ bear.....

Can you guess what it is yet ?............
Moggy cave ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 30, 2013, 11:28:37 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 30, 2013, 11:07:22 AM
There are some bars, some grey walls, a toilet and a big black man.....

Can you guess what it is yet ?............

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 30, 2013, 11:36:57 AM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 02, 2013, 02:07:35 PM: A e-mail has flooded in:

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Unhappy Muslims

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no SHIT Sherlock!

It's not like it could get much worse
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They’re happy in West Yorkshire
They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like...

THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...

How dumb can you get?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 02, 2013, 02:33:01 PM: Yet another e-mail has

Subject: FW: An Age Old Question...

An Observation on an Age Old Question

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2013, 06:44:49 PM: Having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast........

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 08, 2013, 05:11:32 PM: David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence.......

It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 08, 2013, 06:14:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 08, 2013, 05:11:32 PM

David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence.......

It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 08, 2013, 06:36:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 08, 2013, 05:11:32 PM

David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence.......

It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms...........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 09, 2013, 10:06:13 PM: Considering the damage Thatcher did to the British steel industry,............

I'm surprised she could find a fucking bucket to kick..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 10, 2013, 07:24:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 09, 2013, 10:06:13 PM

Considering the damage Thatcher did to the British steel industry,............

I'm surprised she could find a fucking bucket to kick..........

lol: lol: lol:

I saw somewhere else - been in hell two says, already shut down three furnaces....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 10, 2013, 04:34:31 PM: Frankie the pope sent a shroud for her, but it seems the lady's not for Turin.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2013, 04:41:26 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 10, 2013, 04:34:31 PM
Frankie the pope sent a shroud for her, but it seems the lady's not for Turin.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 10, 2013, 05:41:34 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 10, 2013, 04:34:31 PM
Frankie the pope sent a shroud for her, but it seems the lady's not for Turin.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 10, 2013, 05:56:46 PM: Margaret's being appraised for Heaven/Hell. Wile waiting, she bumps into Jimmy Savile.

"So, what are you here for?" asks Savile.

"Shafting miners" she replies.

"Me too" beams Savile
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 10, 2013, 06:02:11 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 10, 2013, 06:03:41 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 10, 2013, 05:56:46 PM
Margaret's being appraised for Heaven/Hell. Wile waiting, she bumps into Jimmy Savile.

"So, what are you here for?" asks Savile.

"Shafting miners" she replies.

"Me too" beams Savile

Do the AFFS have it albeit with another name? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2013, 06:04:47 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 10, 2013, 06:03:41 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 10, 2013, 05:56:46 PM
Margaret's being appraised for Heaven/Hell. Wile waiting, she bumps into Jimmy Savile.

"So, what are you here for?" asks Savile.

"Shafting miners" she replies.

"Me too" beams Savile

Do the AFFS have it albeit with another name? rubschin:

rubschin: could be.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 10, 2013, 10:21:59 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2F6g5kckrz5%2Fthatcher_saville.jpg&hash=4e9c535ad3eb1677d1eae00066098de9e1410f1e) (http://postimg.org/image/6g5kckrz5/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 10, 2013, 10:22:33 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Frdqf99z9d%2Fken_loach_thatcher.jpg&hash=35c1ca485028ee043e01a8ce18a1d2afa4f0232f) (http://postimg.org/image/rdqf99z9d/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2013, 10:23:50 PM: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2013, 07:02:07 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 10, 2013, 04:34:31 PM
Frankie the pope sent a shroud for her, but it seems the lady's not for Turin.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 12, 2013, 08:00:55 PM: Just read the Jimmy Savile autobiography ...........

It's a really touching story...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 13, 2013, 04:32:36 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 12, 2013, 08:00:55 PM
Just read the Jimmy Savile autobiography ...........

It's a really touching story...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 14, 2013, 06:19:20 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 12, 2013, 08:00:55 PM
Just read the Jimmy Savile autobiography ...........

It's a really touching story...........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 14, 2013, 09:47:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 12, 2013, 08:00:55 PM
Just read the Jimmy Savile autobiography ...........

It's a really touching story...........
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2013, 08:17:14 PM: I was very saddened to hear about the Boston bombing........

Infact, you could say that it was more than a feeling.........

redface: too soon....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2013, 08:20:07 PM: Terrible scenes at the marathon in Boston!!

Police suspect the attack to be race related..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2013, 06:52:01 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 16, 2013, 08:07:38 AM: I think people will understand this time if Paula Radcliffe shat herself while running a marathon.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2013, 08:08:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 16, 2013, 08:07:38 AM
I think people will understand this time if Paula Radcliffe shat herself while running a marathon.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 16, 2013, 08:08:43 AM: So I hear the Boston Marathon was won by a nose..... an ear and a finger
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 16, 2013, 08:09:41 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 16, 2013, 08:09:55 AM: To all the runners who told me I should quit smoking...Who's smoking now?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2013, 08:24:16 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 16, 2013, 10:36:36 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 16, 2013, 08:07:38 AM
I think people will understand this time if Paula Radcliffe shat herself while running a marathon.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 16, 2013, 10:37:13 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 16, 2013, 08:09:55 AM
To all the runners who told me I should quit smoking...Who's smoking now?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on April 16, 2013, 10:58:46 AM: I know that I shouldn't I know people have dies and have been maimed but..... happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2013, 11:18:50 AM: Quote from: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on April 16, 2013, 10:58:46 AM
I know that I shouldn't I know people have dies and have been maimed but..... happy002 happy002

Laugh or cry Miss C..... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM: Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2013, 12:52:10 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2013, 12:58:26 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM
Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related

AFFS! whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 17, 2013, 01:04:49 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM
Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related

cussing: even the same page....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Snoopy on April 17, 2013, 01:22:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 17, 2013, 01:04:49 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM
Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related

cussing: even the same page....

Yeah well ......... who reads this shite anyway? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2013, 01:28:40 PM: Quote from: Snoopy on April 17, 2013, 01:22:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 17, 2013, 01:04:49 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM
Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related

cussing: even the same page....

Yeah well ......... who reads this shite anyway? whistle:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 01:48:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 17, 2013, 01:04:49 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 17, 2013, 12:49:46 PM
Apparently the Boston bomb attack was race related

cussing: even the same page....

I love it when you get angry ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2013, 10:39:18 AM: Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight; the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 18, 2013, 11:39:50 AM: AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 18, 2013, 12:08:27 PM: Banghead Banghead Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 18, 2013, 01:54:52 PM: Over a dozen people killed in Texas as a fertiliser plant explodes....

I think we can expect that to grow......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2013, 02:35:29 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 18, 2013, 01:54:52 PM
Over a dozen people killed in Texas as a fertiliser plant explodes....

I think we can expect that to grow......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 18, 2013, 05:33:33 PM: Romantic Wife

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2013, 06:36:16 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2013, 06:43:04 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 18, 2013, 11:39:50 AM
AFFS!

Where? When?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2013, 08:07:29 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2013, 06:43:04 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 18, 2013, 11:39:50 AM
AFFS!

Where? When?

Affs challenge! scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 18, 2013, 09:38:41 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2013, 08:07:29 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2013, 06:43:04 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 18, 2013, 11:39:50 AM
AFFS!

Where? When?

Affs challenge! scared2:

Twat. ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on April 19, 2013, 09:30:25 AM: I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said " You spoil those dogs"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2013, 09:31:58 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 19, 2013, 09:30:25 AM
I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said " You spoil those dogs"

;D ;D and not AFFS......... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 19, 2013, 10:09:29 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2013, 10:13:47 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 19, 2013, 09:30:25 AM
I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said " You spoil those dogs"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2013, 12:26:08 PM: Kate McCann has revealed that she's worried about the safety of her children while she runs the London Marathon this year.........

Here's an idea, Kate - why not use a babysitter?.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2013, 01:15:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2013, 12:26:08 PM
Kate McCann has revealed that she's worried about the safety of her children while she runs the London Marathon this year.........

Here's an idea, Kate - why not use a babysitter?.........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 19, 2013, 05:42:19 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on April 19, 2013, 09:30:25 AM
I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said " You spoil those dogs"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2013, 02:50:34 PM: Mo Farrah is only running half way in the London marathon....

Does the little muslim fecker know something......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2013, 03:06:10 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2013, 02:50:34 PM
Mo Farrah is only running half way in the London marathon....

Does the little muslim fecker know something......... rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 20, 2013, 08:09:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2013, 02:50:34 PM
Mo Farrah is only running half way in the London marathon....

Does the little muslim fecker know something......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 20, 2013, 08:33:13 PM: Bad Neighbours

There is a huge house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads.

Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked at a real job for a day in her life.

Her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A London shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend,

but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.

One of them just got married and pray to God he settles down.. The second is out of control.

It is not known if they have the same father.

Gosh, I hate living near Buckingham Palace
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2013, 05:39:15 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 21, 2013, 07:53:45 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 20, 2013, 08:33:13 PM
Bad Neighbours

There is a huge house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads.

Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked at a real job for a day in her life.

Her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A London shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend,

but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.

One of them just got married and pray to God he settles down.. The second is out of control.

It is not known if they have the same father.

Gosh, I hate living near Buckingham Palace

lol: lol: lol: excellent
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 21, 2013, 09:31:59 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 20, 2013, 08:33:13 PM
Bad Neighbours
. . .
Gosh, I hate living near Buckingham Palace

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 26, 2013, 09:17:42 AM: UK-Jordan treaty to make deportation of Abu Qatada possible.

They must be smuggling him through customs in her C***............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 26, 2013, 09:34:44 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 01:19:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2013, 09:17:42 AM
UK-Jordan treaty to make deportation of Abu Qatada possible.

They must be smuggling him through customs in her C***............

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 01:53:45 PM: In Court the Judge says to a double-murder defendant.

“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 26, 2013, 01:57:37 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 02:06:29 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 26, 2013, 01:57:37 PM
tunble:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 26, 2013, 02:55:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 26, 2013, 01:53:45 PM
In Court the Judge says to a double-murder defendant.

“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 02:59:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 26, 2013, 02:55:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 26, 2013, 01:53:45 PM
In Court the Judge says to a double-murder defendant.

“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
happy001

Thank you Mr.Steve sir... obviously a man of class... hattip:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 26, 2013, 03:00:37 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 03:02:18 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 26, 2013, 03:00:37 PM
noooo:

Humourless mong... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 26, 2013, 03:05:13 PM: A lesbian made me do it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2013, 03:05:49 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 26, 2013, 03:05:13 PM
A lesbian made me do it

Do what? eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on April 27, 2013, 10:18:33 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 26, 2013, 03:05:49 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 26, 2013, 03:05:13 PM
A lesbian made me do it

Do what? eeek:

Wankah:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2013, 03:55:11 PM: Quote
Top Speeding Hotspots In The UK
Top Five Speeding Convictions Of 2012

The Norfolk Constabulary clocked a car travelling at 161mph on the A47 last year, Confused.com has confirmed. Furthermore - based on information sent to the money saving firm via a freedom of information request – this was the most serious case of speeding in 2012. It was not, however, the only major incident. Warwickshire Police therefore caught a motorist travelling southbound at 141mph on the M6 Toll. Furthermore, Tayside Police intercepted a car that hit 138mph on the A933, and officers from the Hampshire Constabulary were none too impressed to see a motorist charging along the A31 at 137mph. Finally, Staffordshire Police stopped a vehicle travelling at 135mph on the A38 London Road.

Quick thoughts:

- we can do far betterer than that, can we borrow that SLK?
- so they do speed trap on the M6 Toll scared2:
- but they didn't get me in me brothers Corvette then (wouldn't have made that top 5 anyway)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2013, 03:57:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2013, 03:55:11 PM

Quote
Top Speeding Hotspots In The UK
Top Five Speeding Convictions Of 2012

The Norfolk Constabulary clocked a car travelling at 161mph on the A47 last year, Confused.com has confirmed. Furthermore - based on information sent to the money saving firm via a freedom of information request – this was the most serious case of speeding in 2012. It was not, however, the only major incident. Warwickshire Police therefore caught a motorist travelling southbound at 141mph on the M6 Toll. Furthermore, Tayside Police intercepted a car that hit 138mph on the A933, and officers from the Hampshire Constabulary were none too impressed to see a motorist charging along the A31 at 137mph. Finally, Staffordshire Police stopped a vehicle travelling at 135mph on the A38 London Road.

Quick thoughts:

- we can do far betterer than that, can we borrow that SLK?
- so they do speed trap on the M6 Toll scared2:
- but they didn't get me in me brothers Corvette then (wouldn't have made that top 5 anyway)

It took me a while to realise that the speedo was in MPH and not KPH.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2013, 04:13:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 29, 2013, 03:57:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2013, 03:55:11 PM

Quote
Top Speeding Hotspots In The UK
Top Five Speeding Convictions Of 2012

The Norfolk Constabulary clocked a car travelling at 161mph on the A47 last year, Confused.com has confirmed. Furthermore - based on information sent to the money saving firm via a freedom of information request – this was the most serious case of speeding in 2012. It was not, however, the only major incident. Warwickshire Police therefore caught a motorist travelling southbound at 141mph on the M6 Toll. Furthermore, Tayside Police intercepted a car that hit 138mph on the A933, and officers from the Hampshire Constabulary were none too impressed to see a motorist charging along the A31 at 137mph. Finally, Staffordshire Police stopped a vehicle travelling at 135mph on the A38 London Road.

Quick thoughts:

- we can do far betterer than that, can we borrow that SLK?
- so they do speed trap on the M6 Toll scared2:
- but they didn't get me in me brothers Corvette then (wouldn't have made that top 5 anyway)

It took me a while to realise that the speedo was in MPH and not KPH.... redface:

Once on the A2 I would have made the top 5 ...... shat myself when I looked at the speedo ....was an accident, was in a customers car....thought I was doing about a ton..... redface: easy done in a nice powerful car......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on April 29, 2013, 04:20:08 PM: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they t ested positive for WD40

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, Bronze, copper & lead

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan!
He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof (sky high)

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, They can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 29, 2013, 04:25:32 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2013, 04:13:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 29, 2013, 03:57:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2013, 03:55:11 PM

Quote
Top Speeding Hotspots In The UK
Top Five Speeding Convictions Of 2012

The Norfolk Constabulary clocked a car travelling at 161mph on the A47 last year, Confused.com has confirmed. Furthermore - based on information sent to the money saving firm via a freedom of information request – this was the most serious case of speeding in 2012. It was not, however, the only major incident. Warwickshire Police therefore caught a motorist travelling southbound at 141mph on the M6 Toll. Furthermore, Tayside Police intercepted a car that hit 138mph on the A933, and officers from the Hampshire Constabulary were none too impressed to see a motorist charging along the A31 at 137mph. Finally, Staffordshire Police stopped a vehicle travelling at 135mph on the A38 London Road.

Quick thoughts:

- we can do far betterer than that, can we borrow that SLK?
- so they do speed trap on the M6 Toll scared2:
- but they didn't get me in me brothers Corvette then (wouldn't have made that top 5 anyway)

It took me a while to realise that the speedo was in MPH and not KPH.... redface:

Once on the A2 I would have made the top 5 ...... shat myself when I looked at the speedo ....was an accident, was in a customers car....thought I was doing about a ton..... redface: easy done in a nice powerful car......

About 10 years ago, a load of us went over to France on motorbikes and we stayed in Saint Malo. On the trip back from Brest to St Malo one day, four of us decided we wanted to get back to the hotel nice and quick for a beer or ten. The journey took us 1 hour 10 mins and at one stage my speedometer was stuck at 193mph for about 15 miles eeek:

They didn't have speed cameras back then :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2013, 04:28:52 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 29, 2013, 04:25:32 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2013, 04:13:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 29, 2013, 03:57:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2013, 03:55:11 PM

Quote
Top Speeding Hotspots In The UK
Top Five Speeding Convictions Of 2012

The Norfolk Constabulary clocked a car travelling at 161mph on the A47 last year, Confused.com has confirmed. Furthermore - based on information sent to the money saving firm via a freedom of information request – this was the most serious case of speeding in 2012. It was not, however, the only major incident. Warwickshire Police therefore caught a motorist travelling southbound at 141mph on the M6 Toll. Furthermore, Tayside Police intercepted a car that hit 138mph on the A933, and officers from the Hampshire Constabulary were none too impressed to see a motorist charging along the A31 at 137mph. Finally, Staffordshire Police stopped a vehicle travelling at 135mph on the A38 London Road.

Quick thoughts:

- we can do far betterer than that, can we borrow that SLK?
- so they do speed trap on the M6 Toll scared2:
- but they didn't get me in me brothers Corvette then (wouldn't have made that top 5 anyway)

It took me a while to realise that the speedo was in MPH and not KPH.... redface:

Once on the A2 I would have made the top 5 ...... shat myself when I looked at the speedo ....was an accident, was in a customers car....thought I was doing about a ton..... redface: easy done in a nice powerful car......

About 10 years ago, a load of us went over to France on motorbikes and we stayed in Saint Malo. On the trip back from Brest to St Malo one day, four of us decided we wanted to get back to the hotel nice and quick for a beer or ten. The journey took us 1 hour 10 mins and at one stage my speedometer was stuck at 193mph for about 15 miles eeek:

They didn't have speed cameras back then :thumbsup:

Did you fix it........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 29, 2013, 04:49:04 PM: 'George at ASDA are proud to release their summer 2013 collection*'

*Warning: May Contain Traces Of Rubble.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2013, 04:51:13 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 29, 2013, 04:49:04 PM
'George at ASDA are proud to release their summer 2013 collection*'

*Warning: May Contain Traces Of Rubble.

;D ;D Primark also announce the prema-crease collectiion........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2013, 05:36:08 PM: Quote from: boogs on April 29, 2013, 04:20:08 PM
Did you hear . . .
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 29, 2013, 09:06:19 PM: Couple stealing fuel bungle a getaway from Mt Warren Park petrol station (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTMT0KDp7SM#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2013, 09:14:53 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 29, 2013, 09:06:19 PM
Couple stealing fuel bungle a getaway from Mt Warren Park petrol station (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTMT0KDp7SM#)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 29, 2013, 09:18:20 PM: eeek: eeek: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 30, 2013, 04:15:00 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on April 29, 2013, 04:49:04 PM
'George at ASDA are proud to release their summer 2013 collection*'

*Warning: May Contain Traces Of Rubble.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 30, 2013, 04:16:12 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 29, 2013, 09:06:19 PM
Couple stealing fuel bungle a getaway from Mt Warren Park petrol station (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTMT0KDp7SM#)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 30, 2013, 08:28:20 PM: I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 30, 2013, 08:36:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 30, 2013, 08:28:20 PM

I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 30, 2013, 09:25:01 PM: Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 30, 2013, 09:48:13 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 01, 2013, 04:12:25 AM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2013, 04:12:53 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 30, 2013, 08:28:20 PM

I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2013, 04:14:27 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 30, 2013, 09:25:01 PM
Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2013, 09:51:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 01, 2013, 04:12:53 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 30, 2013, 08:28:20 PM

I just explained Google images to my mum.......

'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.......

happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 03, 2013, 07:05:34 AM: That's What Mates Are For

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
The wife screams at him: "I haven't done my hair, I haven't done my make-up,
I haven't done any housework, I haven't done the dishes, & I can't be bothered cooking!

What the f--k did you invite him round for?"

Husband…"’Cos he's thinking of getting married!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2013, 07:58:20 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2013, 09:11:17 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 03, 2013, 07:03:39 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2013, 07:12:52 PM: When I first read it I thought "That's What Mates Are For" referred to the previous post about cream pies.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 03, 2013, 08:19:27 PM: My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 03, 2013, 09:12:06 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 03, 2013, 08:19:27 PM
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2013, 04:20:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 03, 2013, 08:19:27 PM
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my fucking eye out

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2013, 11:34:34 AM: The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2013, 11:41:22 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2013, 11:34:34 AM
The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 05, 2013, 11:49:44 AM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2013, 01:30:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2013, 11:34:34 AM
The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2013, 01:45:04 PM: Nigel Evans

Sounds like he's right up shit creek.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 06, 2013, 04:13:05 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2013, 11:34:34 AM
The worst letter I ever wrote...

"Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to go on It's a knockout."........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:24:37 PM: Bill Roache is really into his classic cars. He is currently looking for a silencer for a 1967 Minor.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM: Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 02:26:25 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:24:37 PM
Bill Roache is really into his classic cars. He is currently looking for a silencer for a 1967 Minor.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:32 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:24:37 PM
Bill Roache is really into his classic cars. He is currently looking for a silencer for a 1967 Minor.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year

That's an AFFS like... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 02:34:20 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year

That's an AFFS like... whistle:

No body listens to me.... cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2013, 03:10:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 02:34:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year

That's an AFFS like... whistle:

No body listens to me.... cussing:

Well I obviously did you festering bell-end... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 06, 2013, 03:11:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 02:34:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year

That's an AFFS like... whistle:

No body listens to me.... cussing:

That's cos they've heard it all before whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 03:23:21 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2013, 03:10:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2013, 02:34:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 06, 2013, 02:26:04 PM
Bill Roache, Rolf Harris, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall, Jim Davidson, Freddie Star. The prison panto could be a real cracker this year

That's an AFFS like... whistle:

No body listens to me.... cussing:

Well I obviously did you festering bell-end... ::)

cloud9: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 07, 2013, 11:03:41 AM: Jimmy Tarbuck could be getting that Live From Her Majesty's gig back sooner than he thought...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 07, 2013, 11:19:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 07, 2013, 11:03:41 AM
Jimmy Tarbuck could be getting that Live From Her Majesty's gig back sooner than he thought...........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 07, 2013, 11:57:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 07, 2013, 11:19:56 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 07, 2013, 11:03:41 AM
Jimmy Tarbuck could be getting that Live From Her Majesty's gig back sooner than he thought...........

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 07, 2013, 05:58:48 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 08, 2013, 08:00:18 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 08, 2013, 12:57:05 PM: Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much.......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 08, 2013, 01:01:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 08, 2013, 12:57:05 PM
Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much.......... noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 08, 2013, 09:23:45 PM: Ariel Castro should charge that nigger with breaking and entering........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 08, 2013, 10:20:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 08, 2013, 01:01:50 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 08, 2013, 12:57:05 PM
Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much.......... noooo:

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2013, 05:00:45 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 08, 2013, 09:23:45 PM
Ariel Castro should charge that nigger with breaking and entering........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 09, 2013, 09:09:13 PM: First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 09, 2013, 09:22:03 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 09, 2013, 09:09:13 PM
First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left

:))
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 09, 2013, 09:40:50 PM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2013, 09:43:12 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 09, 2013, 09:09:13 PM
First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2013, 02:06:09 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2013, 09:43:12 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 09, 2013, 09:09:13 PM
First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2013, 01:42:59 PM: “I’ve been waiting for you.” She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty. “Now get over here and stick it in my arse.”

I hate suppository time at Grandma’s house.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 11, 2013, 01:47:02 PM: Stephen Hawking is boycotting a conference in Israel – even though his speech computer uses Israeli components.

In a statement he told reporters “I’m gay and love sucking black cocks”.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 11, 2013, 08:23:19 PM: A new coffee shop is opening for the under thirteens.

It is going to be called Tarbucks.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 11, 2013, 08:33:32 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 11, 2013, 08:23:19 PM
A new coffee shop is opening for the under thirteens.

It is going to be called Tarbucks.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2013, 04:16:52 AM: Quote from: Baldy on May 11, 2013, 08:23:19 PM
A new coffee shop is opening for the under thirteens.

It is going to be called Tarbucks.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2013, 08:58:26 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 14, 2013, 10:41:44 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2013, 08:58:26 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 14, 2013, 08:02:50 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 14, 2013, 09:34:35 PM: If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill someone else, it's called homicide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the king, It's called regicide.
If you kill your brother, it's called fratricide.

And if you have two Premier League teams, and neither have won the league for over 20 years, it's called....
.
.
.
.
.
.
MERSEYSIDE
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2013, 04:03:24 AM: Quote from: beerhead on May 14, 2013, 09:34:35 PM
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill someone else, it's called homicide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the king, It's called regicide.
If you kill your brother, it's called fratricide.

And if you have two Premier League teams, and neither have won the league for over 20 years, it's called....
.
.
.
.
.
.
MERSEYSIDE

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 15, 2013, 09:38:35 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2013, 04:03:24 AM
Quote from: beerhead on May 14, 2013, 09:34:35 PM
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill someone else, it's called homicide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the king, It's called regicide.
If you kill your brother, it's called fratricide.

And if you have two Premier League teams, and neither have won the league for over 20 years, it's called....
.
.
.
.
.
.
MERSEYSIDE

lol: lol: lol:

AFFS does no one read my posts....... sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2013, 01:12:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2013, 09:38:35 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2013, 04:03:24 AM
Quote from: beerhead on May 14, 2013, 09:34:35 PM
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill someone else, it's called homicide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the king, It's called regicide.
If you kill your brother, it's called fratricide.

And if you have two Premier League teams, and neither have won the league for over 20 years, it's called....
.
.
.
.
.
.
MERSEYSIDE

lol: lol: lol:

AFFS does no one read my posts....... sad24:

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 15, 2013, 01:35:35 PM: http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=11011.615 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=11011.615)

post 620........ cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 15, 2013, 08:43:49 PM: A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 15, 2013, 09:39:17 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 14, 2013, 08:02:50 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 15, 2013, 10:43:00 PM: Lenny Henry says they're aren't enough black people on television. He's obviously never seen Crimewatch.

I'm very disappointed with Instagram. I thought it was an online cocaine delivery service.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 15, 2013, 10:53:58 PM: An Irish woman of 75 years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What is Irish Viagra?," she asked.

"It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and a bulge in his pants!

With one swoop of his arms, he sent the cups and saucers flying, he ripped off me clothes

and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you,

an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex wasn't good?"

"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,

I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 15, 2013, 11:01:29 PM: A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg,"he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall.."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 15, 2013, 11:05:10 PM: After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like
to ask me about?'

'In fact I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold
and chilly and then after I have sex with her the second time I am
usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know
why?'

"Oh that stupid old fart'' she replied. 'That's because the first time
is usually in January and the second time is in July.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2013, 06:10:35 AM: Quote from: Baldy on May 15, 2013, 08:43:49 PM
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2013, 06:12:39 AM: Quote from: boogs on May 15, 2013, 11:01:29 PM

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg,"he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall.."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 21, 2013, 01:29:02 PM: I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.

In my garden..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 21, 2013, 02:17:41 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 15, 2013, 08:43:49 PM
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, . . .
Quote from: boogs on May 15, 2013, 10:53:58 PM
An Irish woman of 75 years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. . . .
Quote from: boogs on May 15, 2013, 11:01:29 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man . . .
Quote from: boogs on May 15, 2013, 11:05:10 PM
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: . .
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 21, 2013, 02:18:18 PM: Ooh, are we playing Consequences?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 21, 2013, 02:21:34 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 21, 2013, 02:18:18 PM
Ooh, are we playing Consequences?
lol: lol: lol:

woz trying to save column inches (awates inuendoisms)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2013, 02:24:47 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 21, 2013, 01:29:02 PM
I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.

In my garden..........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 21, 2013, 02:34:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 21, 2013, 01:29:02 PM
I met a bloke from Oklahoma this morning.

In my garden..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2013, 07:54:08 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fwatxny163%2F485819_549121821797769_1463461970_n.jpg&hash=1f6f7ea7a7ae90dfb08c9b11e31eedf60a37873f) (http://postimg.org/image/watxny163/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 01, 2013, 08:23:42 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 01, 2013, 07:54:08 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fwatxny163%2F485819_549121821797769_1463461970_n.jpg&hash=1f6f7ea7a7ae90dfb08c9b11e31eedf60a37873f) (http://postimg.org/image/watxny163/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 01, 2013, 10:30:25 AM: Quote from: boogs on June 01, 2013, 08:23:42 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 01, 2013, 07:54:08 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fwatxny163%2F485819_549121821797769_1463461970_n.jpg&hash=1f6f7ea7a7ae90dfb08c9b11e31eedf60a37873f) (http://postimg.org/image/watxny163/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 01, 2013, 10:39:02 AM: "Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"

said my girlfriend's tits............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 01, 2013, 02:11:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 01, 2013, 10:39:02 AM
"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"

said my girlfriend's tits............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 01, 2013, 04:55:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 01, 2013, 10:39:02 AM
"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"

said my girlfriend's tits............

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Creant Commander of the picklement and baking BAb(Hons) on June 02, 2013, 06:34:29 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on May 14, 2013, 08:56:29 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/05/13/mexican-standoff-at-weston-super-mare-roundabout-reaches-third-day/)

I was born in Weston Super Mare, they are prolly rellies of mine. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 02, 2013, 06:35:59 PM: Do keep up dear ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:29:40 PM: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater)

Can anyone admit to having been there at least once.... I have.. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 03, 2013, 03:37:49 PM: Quote from: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:29:40 PM
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater)

Can anyone admit to having been there at least once.... I have.. redface:

lol: lol: lol:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:48:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 03, 2013, 03:37:49 PM
Quote from: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:29:40 PM
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater)

Can anyone admit to having been there at least once.... I have.. redface:

lol: lol: lol:

redface:

Are you the one with the car ... or the gun rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2013, 03:50:33 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2Fchaikvta9%2F389668_474783482609360_2070161845_n.jpg&hash=0a403728b7791ddc45102eed77ade8f623dc0f09) (http://postimg.org/image/chaikvta9/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 03, 2013, 04:02:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 03, 2013, 03:37:49 PM
Quote from: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:29:40 PM
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater)

Can anyone admit to having been there at least once.... I have.. redface:

lol: lol: lol:

redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

redface: here too

but not guilty on the car or the gun or the store or . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 03, 2013, 04:03:28 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 03, 2013, 03:50:33 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2Fchaikvta9%2F389668_474783482609360_2070161845_n.jpg&hash=0a403728b7791ddc45102eed77ade8f623dc0f09) (http://postimg.org/image/chaikvta9/)
rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 03, 2013, 04:08:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 03, 2013, 04:02:47 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 03, 2013, 03:37:49 PM
Quote from: boogs on June 03, 2013, 03:29:40 PM
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4965679772271&set=vb.1007451834&type=2&theater)

Can anyone admit to having been there at least once.... I have.. redface:

lol: lol: lol:

redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

redface: here too

but not guilty on the car or the gun or the store or . . . .

You were the guy on the escalator weren't you.... I would recognise that coat anywhere... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 03, 2013, 04:46:20 PM: I don't recall such but that's not much of a defence is it cry:

I remain very glad that CCTV was somewhat rare in my younger days. I rather fear they did have it at the M2 services on my stag night. Twas the only place left open that would let us in and I were completely shit faced.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 03, 2013, 06:03:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 03, 2013, 04:46:20 PM
I don't recall such but that's not much of a defence is it cry:

I remain very glad that CCTV was somewhat rare in my younger days. I rather fear they did have it at the M2 services on my stag night. Twas the only place left open that would let us in and I were completely shit faced.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM: "What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 05, 2013, 01:39:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 05, 2013, 01:45:53 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

;D;D;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 05, 2013, 02:09:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

lol: lol: ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 05:12:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 05, 2013, 09:27:16 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 05:12:33 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

And so true Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 09:57:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 05, 2013, 09:27:16 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 05:12:33 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

And so true Banghead

Pardon?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 05, 2013, 11:56:18 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 09:57:14 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 05, 2013, 09:27:16 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 05, 2013, 05:12:33 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 05, 2013, 01:28:11 PM

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"

"Hearing aids...........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

And so true Banghead

Pardon?
Eh what say?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 10, 2013, 01:32:44 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F51i0eh6vt%2F996158_478587562228952_1193807917_n.jpg&hash=9fcd2df9b2a3cf50a4325ef5df38b0874c438adb) (http://postimg.org/image/51i0eh6vt/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 10, 2013, 01:42:54 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 10, 2013, 01:32:44 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F51i0eh6vt%2F996158_478587562228952_1193807917_n.jpg&hash=9fcd2df9b2a3cf50a4325ef5df38b0874c438adb) (http://postimg.org/image/51i0eh6vt/)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 10, 2013, 03:04:36 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 10, 2013, 01:32:44 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F51i0eh6vt%2F996158_478587562228952_1193807917_n.jpg&hash=9fcd2df9b2a3cf50a4325ef5df38b0874c438adb) (http://postimg.org/image/51i0eh6vt/)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 10, 2013, 10:12:00 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 10, 2013, 01:42:54 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 10, 2013, 01:32:44 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F51i0eh6vt%2F996158_478587562228952_1193807917_n.jpg&hash=9fcd2df9b2a3cf50a4325ef5df38b0874c438adb) (http://postimg.org/image/51i0eh6vt/)
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 10, 2013, 10:26:30 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 10, 2013, 10:12:00 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 10, 2013, 01:42:54 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 10, 2013, 01:32:44 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F51i0eh6vt%2F996158_478587562228952_1193807917_n.jpg&hash=9fcd2df9b2a3cf50a4325ef5df38b0874c438adb) (http://postimg.org/image/51i0eh6vt/)
lol: lol: lol:
happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 11, 2013, 11:32:48 AM: Due to today's economy, the act of 69 will be now known as 96 ...

because the cost of eating out has really gone up.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 11, 2013, 11:51:59 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 11, 2013, 11:32:48 AM
Due to today's economy, the act of 69 will be now known as 96 ...

because the cost of eating out has really gone up.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 11, 2013, 12:15:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 11, 2013, 11:32:48 AM
Due to today's economy, the act of 69 will be now known as 96 ...

because the cost of eating out has really gone up.........
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 11, 2013, 06:17:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 11, 2013, 11:32:48 AM
Due to today's economy, the act of 69 will be now known as 96 ...

because the cost of eating out has really gone up.........
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on June 16, 2013, 10:48:17 AM: Found this today:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fbhihtz7dt%2Fimage.jpg&hash=25b1d7c66066ea1af7933f9e5ca05f4b5279b617) (http://postimg.org/image/bhihtz7dt/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 10:51:12 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on June 16, 2013, 10:48:17 AM
Found this today:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fbhihtz7dt%2Fimage.jpg&hash=25b1d7c66066ea1af7933f9e5ca05f4b5279b617) (http://postimg.org/image/bhihtz7dt/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 11:56:19 AM: A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 11:59:34 AM: I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 12:04:09 PM: My wife said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship.

We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads; one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"

I replied ' That's not a crossroad that's a T junction you stupid fucking bitch'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 16, 2013, 12:04:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 11:56:19 AM
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 16, 2013, 12:07:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 11:59:34 AM
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2013, 12:45:37 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 12:04:09 PM
My wife said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship.

We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads; one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"

I replied ' That's not a crossroad that's a T junction you stupid fucking bitch'

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 16, 2013, 12:49:50 PM: So, let me get this straight. You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a card to say 'thanks'?,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2013, 01:10:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 16, 2013, 12:49:50 PM

So, let me get this straight. You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a card to say 'thanks'?,,,,,,,,,

She did . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 16, 2013, 01:45:03 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2013, 01:10:59 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 16, 2013, 12:49:50 PM

So, let me get this straight. You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a card to say 'thanks'?,,,,,,,,,

She did . . . .

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 03:51:57 PM: I have just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription at the bookmakers!

She will have a fit when she finds out...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 16, 2013, 04:01:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 03:51:57 PM
I have just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription at the bookmakers!

She will have a fit when she finds out...

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 16, 2013, 04:02:10 PM: http://pbfcomics.com/20/ (http://pbfcomics.com/20/)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 16, 2013, 05:36:16 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 16, 2013, 04:02:10 PM
http://pbfcomics.com/20/ (http://pbfcomics.com/20/)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
double AFFS
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 05:38:11 PM: Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new taser!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 16, 2013, 05:41:43 PM: happy001

And re what BM posted in 2237, 2238, 2239 and 2246

happy001 happy001 happy001

::)

lol:

and lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2013, 07:30:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 05:38:11 PM
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new taser!

AFF's (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=9750.msg376943#msg376943) whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2013, 09:26:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 16, 2013, 07:30:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2013, 05:38:11 PM
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new taser!

AFF's (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=9750.msg376943#msg376943) whistle:

Arse! redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2013, 10:46:53 PM: I reckon TMR or APC did the epileptic one too, but can't find that one cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 06:13:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 16, 2013, 10:46:53 PM
I reckon TMR or APC did the epileptic one too, but can't find that one cry:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 17, 2013, 07:33:14 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/20/ (http://pbfcomics.com/20/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 07:47:58 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 07:33:14 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/20/ (http://pbfcomics.com/20/)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 17, 2013, 07:57:08 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/196/ (http://pbfcomics.com/196/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 17, 2013, 08:54:02 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/187/ (http://pbfcomics.com/187/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 17, 2013, 09:05:38 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/216/ (http://pbfcomics.com/216/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 17, 2013, 09:06:28 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/182/ (http://pbfcomics.com/182/)

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 17, 2013, 09:21:00 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 07:57:08 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/196/ (http://pbfcomics.com/196/)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 17, 2013, 09:21:32 AM: http://pbfcomics.com/90/ (http://pbfcomics.com/90/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 17, 2013, 09:24:27 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 09:21:32 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/90/ (http://pbfcomics.com/90/)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on June 17, 2013, 09:46:08 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 07:57:08 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/196/ (http://pbfcomics.com/196/)

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 09:49:31 AM: I wish I hadn't started this.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:16:49 AM: Quote from: Baldy on June 17, 2013, 09:21:00 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 07:57:08 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/196/ (http://pbfcomics.com/196/)
lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:17:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 09:49:31 AM
I wish I hadn't started this.... noooo:
I wish peeps would post the fucking pictures
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:18:47 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:17:36 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 09:49:31 AM
I wish I hadn't started this.... noooo:
I wish peeps would post the fucking pictures

I did and you all complained you couldn't see them! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:26:01 AM: Apologies to Miss D then....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fuhszxjvyt%2FPBF021_Skeleton_Clown.jpg&hash=a013dc8eb69dce13c1fd8650e10ecf716fc811e1) (http://postimg.org/image/uhszxjvyt/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:26:35 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:18:47 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:17:36 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 09:49:31 AM
I wish I hadn't started this.... noooo:
I wish peeps would post the fucking pictures

I did and you all complained you couldn't see them! cussing:
moi? noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:27:56 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:26:01 AM
Apologies to Miss D then....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fuhszxjvyt%2FPBF021_Skeleton_Clown.jpg&hash=a013dc8eb69dce13c1fd8650e10ecf716fc811e1) (http://postimg.org/image/uhszxjvyt/)
Thumbs:

All Miss D has to do is click the image like
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:29:02 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:27:56 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:26:01 AM
Apologies to Miss D then....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fuhszxjvyt%2FPBF021_Skeleton_Clown.jpg&hash=a013dc8eb69dce13c1fd8650e10ecf716fc811e1) (http://postimg.org/image/uhszxjvyt/)
Thumbs:

All Miss D has to do is click the image like

Or not click that one preferably.... scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:34:15 AM: On a point of order how many of these actually arrived in the VP In Boxes?

One, None, Even Less?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 10:40:20 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:34:15 AM
On a point of order how many of these actually arrived in the VP In Boxes?

One, None, Even Less?

Um.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2013, 10:41:55 AM: My poor cartoons thread cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 17, 2013, 01:57:04 PM: Stuart Hall's fall from grace is complete as he is sentenced to 15 months in prison......

At least he will be pleased that it will be under 16.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 17, 2013, 01:58:17 PM: noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2013, 03:12:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 17, 2013, 01:57:04 PM
Stuart Hall's fall from grace is complete as he is sentenced to 15 months in prison......

At least he will be pleased that it will be under 16.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 17, 2013, 03:18:59 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 17, 2013, 07:57:08 AM
http://pbfcomics.com/196/ (http://pbfcomics.com/196/)

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 17, 2013, 03:19:39 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 17, 2013, 01:57:04 PM
Stuart Hall's fall from grace is complete as he is sentenced to 15 months in prison......

At least he will be pleased that it will be under 16.......

FFs lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 18, 2013, 05:40:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 17, 2013, 01:57:04 PM
Stuart Hall's fall from grace is complete as he is sentenced to 15 months in prison......

At least he will be pleased that it will be under 16.......

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 19, 2013, 09:33:52 AM: http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/06/18/government-to-demonise-literary-badgers-to-reduce-cull-opposition/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/06/18/government-to-demonise-literary-badgers-to-reduce-cull-opposition/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 19, 2013, 09:46:39 AM: http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/ (http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 19, 2013, 10:40:33 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 09:33:52 AM
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/06/18/government-to-demonise-literary-badgers-to-reduce-cull-opposition/ (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/06/18/government-to-demonise-literary-badgers-to-reduce-cull-opposition/)

Quite right too.

I know a bloke who encountered an exploding suicide badger.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 19, 2013, 10:41:17 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2013, 10:44:57 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 10:41:17 AM
redface:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 19, 2013, 01:22:51 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 09:46:39 AM
http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/ (http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/)

What can you say.. noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 19, 2013, 01:35:38 PM: Quote from: boogs on June 19, 2013, 01:22:51 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 09:46:39 AM
http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/ (http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/)

What can you say.. noooo: noooo: noooo:

Oink?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 19, 2013, 05:52:56 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 19, 2013, 01:35:38 PM
Quote from: boogs on June 19, 2013, 01:22:51 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 09:46:39 AM
http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/ (http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/)

What can you say.. noooo: noooo: noooo:

Oink?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 19, 2013, 10:54:36 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 19, 2013, 01:35:38 PM
Quote from: boogs on June 19, 2013, 01:22:51 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 19, 2013, 09:46:39 AM
http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/ (http://www.sayitwithbacon.com/)

What can you say.. noooo: noooo: noooo:

Oink?
happy001

I was gong to suggest "Sizzle" but "Oink" wins
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 20, 2013, 09:07:11 AM: It is rare I get any worth passing on, but a couple here made me smile.

I particularly liked 3. for some reason.

Quote
Here are a dozen classics from the classroom ... allegedly!

1. Today we learned about the Hardon Collider. When the Hardon Collider is turned on it could cause a big bang.

2. You are under a rest and we will hold you in custard for the night said the policeman.

3. Lowry's pictures are mostly about the different prats of Manchester.

4. I love drawing and painting so my favourite subject is ars.

5. The pilot was bound to crash the plane. The moment he saw his wig come loose and fall to the ground he knew there was no chance of survival.

6. And now, said Mr. Brooks, I shall read your fathers last will and testacle.

7. One of the most important forces in nature is the force which pulls things to the ground. This force is called gravy.

8. In Africa wild breasts roam the plains.

9. In the forests of Scotland you can see wild dears and slags.

10. The Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwejuns come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

11. In the news today they said they have found the remains of a Roman fart.

12. The judge condomned the prisoner to death.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 20, 2013, 09:09:06 AM: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2013, 09:09:25 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 20, 2013, 09:07:11 AM
It is rare I get any worth passing on, but a couple here made me smile.

I particularly liked 3. for some reason.

Quote
Here are a dozen classics from the classroom ... allegedly!

1. Today we learned about the Hardon Collider. When the Hardon Collider is turned on it could cause a big bang.

2. You are under a rest and we will hold you in custard for the night said the policeman.

3. Lowry's pictures are mostly about the different prats of Manchester.

4. I love drawing and painting so my favourite subject is ars.

5. The pilot was bound to crash the plane. The moment he saw his wig come loose and fall to the ground he knew there was no chance of survival.

6. And now, said Mr. Brooks, I shall read your fathers last will and testacle.

7. One of the most important forces in nature is the force which pulls things to the ground. This force is called gravy.

8. In Africa wild breasts roam the plains.

9. In the forests of Scotland you can see wild dears and slags.

10. The Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwejuns come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

11. In the news today they said they have found the remains of a Roman fart.

12. The judge condomned the prisoner to death.
happy001 to several there and yes #3 is a gem
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 20, 2013, 09:24:46 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 20, 2013, 09:07:11 AM
It is rare I get any worth passing on,

Today not being an exception to that rule.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on June 20, 2013, 12:33:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 20, 2013, 09:07:11 AM
It is rare I get any worth passing on, but a couple here made me smile.

I particularly liked 3. for some reason.

Quote
Here are a dozen classics from the classroom ... allegedly!

1. Today we learned about the Hardon Collider. When the Hardon Collider is turned on it could cause a big bang.

2. You are under a rest and we will hold you in custard for the night said the policeman.

3. Lowry's pictures are mostly about the different prats of Manchester.

4. I love drawing and painting so my favourite subject is ars.

5. The pilot was bound to crash the plane. The moment he saw his wig come loose and fall to the ground he knew there was no chance of survival.

6. And now, said Mr. Brooks, I shall read your fathers last will and testacle.

7. One of the most important forces in nature is the force which pulls things to the ground. This force is called gravy.

8. In Africa wild breasts roam the plains.

9. In the forests of Scotland you can see wild dears and slags.

10. The Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwejuns come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

11. In the news today they said they have found the remains of a Roman fart.

12. The judge condomned the prisoner to death.

Excellent. lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 21, 2013, 06:29:09 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2F9on5dt9c7%2F184467_589396327758600_2143884027_n.jpg&hash=0d30df25ae133aea7bdd97bf4264390dbc41609c) (http://postimg.org/image/9on5dt9c7/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 21, 2013, 06:49:22 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 06:29:09 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2F9on5dt9c7%2F184467_589396327758600_2143884027_n.jpg&hash=0d30df25ae133aea7bdd97bf4264390dbc41609c) (http://postimg.org/image/9on5dt9c7/)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2013, 06:51:56 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 06:29:09 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2F9on5dt9c7%2F184467_589396327758600_2143884027_n.jpg&hash=0d30df25ae133aea7bdd97bf4264390dbc41609c) (http://postimg.org/image/9on5dt9c7/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 21, 2013, 08:34:43 AM: Russian Tampon Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRgdFMc9UDE#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2013, 09:12:13 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 06:29:09 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2F9on5dt9c7%2F184467_589396327758600_2143884027_n.jpg&hash=0d30df25ae133aea7bdd97bf4264390dbc41609c) (http://postimg.org/image/9on5dt9c7/)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2013, 09:14:39 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 08:34:43 AM
Russian Tampon Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRgdFMc9UDE#ws)

eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2013, 09:15:37 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 08:34:43 AM
Russian Tampon Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRgdFMc9UDE#ws)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 21, 2013, 01:25:29 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 08:34:43 AM
Russian Tampon Commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRgdFMc9UDE#ws)

I know you shouldn't but happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 21, 2013, 01:28:04 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2013, 02:29:03 PM: Sadly it's a fake ad from Movie 43 (https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/movie_43/), a film rated so awful it must be good

But then I find Meet the Feebles funny
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2013, 05:37:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 21, 2013, 09:12:13 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 21, 2013, 06:29:09 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2F9on5dt9c7%2F184467_589396327758600_2143884027_n.jpg&hash=0d30df25ae133aea7bdd97bf4264390dbc41609c) (http://postimg.org/image/9on5dt9c7/)
happy001

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 22, 2013, 12:51:09 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2Fsud5ae637%2Fmusic_festival.jpg&hash=93d23e6faa77a1e982cace3b27d7f1f174af46bb) (http://postimg.org/image/sud5ae637/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 22, 2013, 12:54:42 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on June 22, 2013, 12:51:09 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2Fsud5ae637%2Fmusic_festival.jpg&hash=93d23e6faa77a1e982cace3b27d7f1f174af46bb) (http://postimg.org/image/sud5ae637/)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2013, 12:56:15 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on June 22, 2013, 12:51:09 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2Fsud5ae637%2Fmusic_festival.jpg&hash=93d23e6faa77a1e982cace3b27d7f1f174af46bb) (http://postimg.org/image/sud5ae637/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2013, 12:56:39 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on June 22, 2013, 12:51:09 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2Fsud5ae637%2Fmusic_festival.jpg&hash=93d23e6faa77a1e982cace3b27d7f1f174af46bb) (http://postimg.org/image/sud5ae637/)

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 22, 2013, 01:00:22 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 22, 2013, 05:43:20 PM: Quote from: boogs on June 22, 2013, 12:54:42 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on June 22, 2013, 12:51:09 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2Fsud5ae637%2Fmusic_festival.jpg&hash=93d23e6faa77a1e982cace3b27d7f1f174af46bb) (http://postimg.org/image/sud5ae637/)

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 24, 2013, 06:27:23 PM: BM said to me .....

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson,....

I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.....

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2013, 06:59:24 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 24, 2013, 06:59:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 24, 2013, 06:27:23 PM
BM said to me .....

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson,....

I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.....

whistle:

Same as about 80% of the male population I would think whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2013, 07:07:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 24, 2013, 06:27:23 PM
BM said to me .....

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson,....

I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.....

whistle:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 24, 2013, 07:11:12 PM: http://www.nigella.com/books/view/nigella-bites-9 (http://www.nigella.com/books/view/nigella-bites-9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 24, 2013, 07:29:22 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on June 24, 2013, 07:11:12 PM
http://www.nigella.com/books/view/nigella-bites-9 (http://www.nigella.com/books/view/nigella-bites-9)

Bites.. most would complain.... Perhaps that explains the hands round the neck.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 27, 2013, 01:29:54 PM: Affs ^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 27, 2013, 01:32:20 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 02, 2013, 07:36:59 AM: Designed by laydees

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fve70yfed3%2Ftoil.jpg&hash=75ea7d3aa3466e3785379656f67822fb838b266b) (http://postimg.org/image/ve70yfed3/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 02, 2013, 09:24:11 AM: Quote from: boogs on July 02, 2013, 07:36:59 AM

Designed by laydees

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fve70yfed3%2Ftoil.jpg&hash=75ea7d3aa3466e3785379656f67822fb838b266b) (http://postimg.org/image/ve70yfed3/)
eeek: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 02, 2013, 12:18:38 PM: Quote from: boogs on July 02, 2013, 07:36:59 AM

Designed by laydees

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fve70yfed3%2Ftoil.jpg&hash=75ea7d3aa3466e3785379656f67822fb838b266b) (http://postimg.org/image/ve70yfed3/)

Not designed by laydees.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.outnext.com%2Fphotos%2Funcategorized%2F2008%2F08%2F18%2Fmouth_urinal_188801.jpg&hash=0caeb61eb0fc433e2b8047cbbf6ecb45e55ef5f0)

Designed by the Vatican

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fisheaters.com%2Fforumpix%2Fnunurinal.jpg&hash=fdb18e97dd8be5976ebf83e2c6bb7797ebec47b3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 02, 2013, 12:22:14 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 02, 2013, 12:18:38 PM
Quote from: boogs on July 02, 2013, 07:36:59 AM

Designed by laydees

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fve70yfed3%2Ftoil.jpg&hash=75ea7d3aa3466e3785379656f67822fb838b266b) (http://postimg.org/image/ve70yfed3/)

Not designed by laydees.

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.outnext.com%2Fphotos%2Funcategorized%2F2008%2F08%2F18%2Fmouth_urinal_188801.jpg&hash=0caeb61eb0fc433e2b8047cbbf6ecb45e55ef5f0)

Designed by the Vatican

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fisheaters.com%2Fforumpix%2Fnunurinal.jpg&hash=fdb18e97dd8be5976ebf83e2c6bb7797ebec47b3)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 04, 2013, 08:42:53 AM: Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 04, 2013, 08:50:46 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 04, 2013, 08:42:53 AM
Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2013, 09:27:32 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 04, 2013, 08:42:53 AM
Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 04, 2013, 09:39:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2013, 09:27:32 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 04, 2013, 08:42:53 AM
Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.

happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2013, 10:02:41 AM: Quote from: Baldy on July 04, 2013, 08:50:46 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 04, 2013, 08:42:53 AM
Serena Williams has announced that she's considering quitting tennis after her shock exit at Wimbledon.

Perhaps she could pursue her acting career further now, she was brilliant in The Green Mile.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 06, 2013, 05:56:14 PM: Before I was old enough to start school, I'd always thought "Thesauras" was what I would get after Choir practice at church........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 06, 2013, 08:00:04 PM: Paddy goes into Wetherspoons & asks, "How much is your lager?"
The barman says,
"£2 for a pint & £7 for a Pitcher."
Paddy replied,
"I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 06, 2013, 08:03:24 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 06, 2013, 08:00:04 PM
Paddy goes into Wetherspoons & asks, "How much is your lager?"
The barman says,
"£2 for a pint & £7 for a Pitcher."
Paddy replied,
"I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 06, 2013, 08:27:29 PM: Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking:

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 06, 2013, 08:29:20 PM: A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irvine . All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 luxury holidays a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 06, 2013, 08:32:12 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 06, 2013, 08:00:04 PM
Paddy goes into Wetherspoons & asks, "How much is your lager?"
The barman says,
"£2 for a pint & £7 for a Pitcher."
Paddy replied,
"I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 06, 2013, 08:32:45 PM: Quote from: boogs on July 06, 2013, 08:27:29 PM
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking:

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 06, 2013, 08:33:14 PM: Quote from: boogs on July 06, 2013, 08:29:20 PM
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irvine . All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 luxury holidays a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 06, 2013, 08:37:27 PM: YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY TRUE STORY, BY THE WAY

65 Years Ago.

This is PRICELESS ..............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since

she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,

she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and

dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black

car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and

said,

"Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your

entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

(Here it is:)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2F7kxab9w3b%2Fmik.jpg&hash=40bba07c1f460428b2298e64026ebc3f4d6f4ab6) (http://postimg.org/image/7kxab9w3b/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 06, 2013, 09:52:52 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 07, 2013, 06:50:12 AM: lol: lol: lol: to all.... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 07, 2013, 11:47:50 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 07, 2013, 06:50:12 AM
lol: lol: lol: to all.... Thumbs:
indeed lol: lol: lol: ,some lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: and happy001 stuff from Miss D and Boogs :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 08, 2013, 11:28:33 AM: Sent to me by a friend in the oil industry, from the prospectus of a local contractor in Egypt. ( scared2:)

Quote
We are an exclusive agent of more than 10 international companies (European and American) and ruining the following activates:

Representation and sales
Engineering and consultations
Planning and supervision for projects and systems
After sales support and services
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 08, 2013, 11:43:34 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 08, 2013, 11:28:33 AM
Sent to me by a friend in the oil industry, from the prospectus of a local contractor in Egypt. ( scared2:)

Quote
We are an exclusive agent of more than 10 international companies (European and American) and ruining the following activates:

Representation and sales
Engineering and consultations
Planning and supervision for projects and systems
After sales support and services

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2013, 01:19:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 08, 2013, 11:43:34 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 08, 2013, 11:28:33 AM
Sent to me by a friend in the oil industry, from the prospectus of a local contractor in Egypt. ( scared2:)

Quote
We are an exclusive agent of more than 10 international companies (European and American) and ruining the following activates:

Representation and sales
Engineering and consultations
Planning and supervision for projects and systems
After sales support and services

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 08, 2013, 02:21:42 PM: Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2013, 04:25:32 PM: lol: lol: lol:

all worth retelling
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 11:47:14 AM: All this fuss over a game of tennis, when there's Muslims been slaughtered on the streets in Egypt.

I know what I'd rather watch...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 09, 2013, 11:57:08 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 11:47:14 AM
All this fuss over a game of tennis, when there's Muslims been slaughtered on the streets in Egypt.

I know what I'd rather watch...........

The thing is, the tennis is only on for a short time each year.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 09, 2013, 01:25:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 11:47:14 AM
All this fuss over a game of tennis, when there's Muslims been slaughtered on the streets in Egypt.

I know what I'd rather watch...........

Meanwhile back at the Emirates Wenger sadly weeps at Arsenal not even getting a mention. But smiles when he remembers all that money saved on not needing a trophy cleaner.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 01:32:55 PM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 09, 2013, 02:51:52 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 09, 2013, 11:57:08 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 11:47:14 AM
All this fuss over a game of tennis, when there's Muslims been slaughtered on the streets in Egypt.

I know what I'd rather watch...........

The thing is, the tennis is only on for a short time each year.

drumroll: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 09, 2013, 02:52:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 09, 2013, 01:25:50 PM
Meanwhile back at the Emirates Wenger sadly weeps at Arsenal not even getting a mention. But smiles when he remembers all that money saved on not needing a trophy cleaner.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2013, 03:30:31 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 09, 2013, 11:57:08 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 09, 2013, 11:47:14 AM
All this fuss over a game of tennis, when there's Muslims been slaughtered on the streets in Egypt.

I know what I'd rather watch...........

The thing is, the tennis is only on for a short time each year.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 11, 2013, 12:21:52 PM: Maybe an affs......... rubschin:

A man walked out onto the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian, every single time.."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 11, 2013, 12:26:36 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 11, 2013, 12:44:16 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 11, 2013, 02:44:31 PM: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 11, 2013, 02:55:40 PM: lol: lol: lol: ..... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 11, 2013, 03:17:17 PM: AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 11, 2013, 03:21:23 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 11, 2013, 03:17:17 PM
AFFS!

I did say maybe........ evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2013, 03:37:53 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 11, 2013, 03:17:17 PM
AFFS!

Quite so Moaney... lucky we don't all have dementia eh...? ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 11, 2013, 03:39:28 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2013, 03:37:53 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 11, 2013, 03:17:17 PM
AFFS!

Quite so Moaney... lucky we don't all have dementia eh...? ::)

I SAID MAYBE.......... cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2013, 03:41:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 11, 2013, 03:39:28 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2013, 03:37:53 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 11, 2013, 03:17:17 PM
AFFS!

Quite so Moaney... lucky we don't all have dementia eh...? ::)

I SAID MAYBE.......... cussing:

Fresh from yer letterbox perhaps... on papyrus.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 11, 2013, 05:31:48 PM: from "Ava" at somewhere else:

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this
"God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me...
this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Likely an Affs but the search engine says not
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 11, 2013, 06:34:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2013, 05:31:48 PM
from "Ava" at somewhere else:

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this
"God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me...
this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Likely an Affs but the search engine says not

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2013, 07:06:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2013, 05:31:48 PM
from "Ava" at somewhere else:

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this
"God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me...
this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Likely an Affs but the search engine says not

(C) Dave Allen 1973 lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 11, 2013, 09:40:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2013, 07:06:00 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2013, 05:31:48 PM
from "Ava" at somewhere else:

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this
"God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy. And good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side... Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me...
this morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Likely an Affs but the search engine says not

(C) Dave Allen 1973 lol:

noooo:

(C) Bob Hope 1956
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 13, 2013, 06:20:32 AM: I put a porno in the DVD, sat down to watch and it was just a picture of a fat bloke with his cock in his hand, then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2013, 06:29:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 13, 2013, 06:20:32 AM
I put a porno in the DVD, sat down to watch and it was just a picture of a fat bloke with his cock in his hand, then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 13, 2013, 07:39:36 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 13, 2013, 06:20:32 AM
I put a porno in the DVD, sat down to watch and it was just a picture of a fat bloke with his cock in his hand, then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2013, 09:17:30 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 13, 2013, 03:32:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 13, 2013, 06:20:32 AM
I put a porno in the DVD, sat down to watch and it was just a picture of a fat bloke with his cock in his hand, then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on!

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 15, 2013, 03:29:42 PM: Susan Taylor dies during English Channel charity swim..........

Presumably I'm getting my £2 back then?

Too soon...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2013, 03:35:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 15, 2013, 03:29:42 PM
Susan Taylor dies during English Channel charity swim..........

Presumably I'm getting my £2 back then?

Too soon...... rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 15, 2013, 05:42:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 15, 2013, 03:29:42 PM
Susan Taylor dies during English Channel charity swim..........

Presumably I'm getting my £2 back then?

Too soon...... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:28:09 AM: Belmarsh notice board. For sale : Toothbrush.

Apply Michael Adebolajo, cell 46...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:31:45 AM: A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.........

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 20, 2013, 06:38:40 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 20, 2013, 07:42:52 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:28:09 AM
Belmarsh notice board. For sale : Toothbrush.

Apply Michael Adebolajo, cell 46...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 20, 2013, 07:43:23 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:31:45 AM
A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.........

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'..........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 20, 2013, 08:05:28 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:28:09 AM
Belmarsh notice board. For sale : Toothbrush.

Apply Michael Adebolajo, cell 46...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 20, 2013, 08:43:22 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:31:45 AM
A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.........

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'..........
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2013, 05:00:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 20, 2013, 08:43:22 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2013, 06:31:45 AM
A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.........

Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying 'Sorry you were out'..........
happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 20, 2013, 05:01:23 PM: I see DS is a fellow sufferer of the Royal Mail evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2013, 05:03:34 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on July 20, 2013, 05:01:23 PM
I see DS is a fellow sufferer of the Royal Mail evil:
Isn't everybody?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 08:08:49 AM: My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.

"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked

"Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.

"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"

"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 21, 2013, 08:16:29 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 08:08:49 AM
My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.

"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked

"Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.

"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"

"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 21, 2013, 08:17:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 08:08:49 AM
My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.

"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked

"Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.

"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"

"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 21, 2013, 09:15:33 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 08:08:49 AM
My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.

"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked

"Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.

"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"

"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 21, 2013, 10:24:39 AM: Quote from: boogs on July 21, 2013, 08:16:29 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 08:08:49 AM
My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.

"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked

"Black guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.

"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"

"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."

happy001 happy001 happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 21, 2013, 11:58:19 AM: My young nephew asked me how babies are made.

I had no idea how to approach the subject so I looked online and found a video that explained it all.

At the end of the video I told him "Its basically like that only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny and normally there isn't a horse involved"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 21, 2013, 11:59:36 AM: SO that is where I was going wrong.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 21, 2013, 12:01:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 21, 2013, 11:58:19 AM
My young nephew asked me how babies are made.

I had no idea how to approach the subject so I looked online and found a video that explained it all.

At the end of the video I told him "Its basically like that only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny and normally there isn't a horse involved"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 21, 2013, 12:39:40 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 21, 2013, 01:03:06 PM: Quote from: Baldy on July 21, 2013, 12:01:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 21, 2013, 11:58:19 AM
My young nephew asked me how babies are made.

I had no idea how to approach the subject so I looked online and found a video that explained it all.

At the end of the video I told him "Its basically like that only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny and normally there isn't a horse involved"

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 21, 2013, 02:28:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 21, 2013, 11:58:19 AM
My young nephew asked me how babies are made.

I had no idea how to approach the subject so I looked online and found a video that explained it all.

At the end of the video I told him "Its basically like that only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny and normally there isn't a horse involved"

shutup: shutup: nonono:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 22, 2013, 08:13:36 PM: Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps.. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2013, 08:17:09 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2013, 08:18:26 PM: I've had holidays like that noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 22, 2013, 08:20:31 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on July 22, 2013, 08:18:26 PM
I've had holidays like that noooo:
Any not like that?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 22, 2013, 08:35:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 22, 2013, 08:13:36 PM
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps.. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 22, 2013, 08:36:03 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on July 22, 2013, 08:18:26 PM
I've had holidays like that noooo:
Your name is Ted you say
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM: Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 22, 2013, 08:53:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2013, 05:34:02 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 09:46:36 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

Somehow, I can't see them pulling it off. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 23, 2013, 10:23:10 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 09:46:36 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

Somehow, I can't see them pulling it off. noooo:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 23, 2013, 10:42:00 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 23, 2013, 10:23:10 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 09:46:36 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

Somehow, I can't see them pulling it off. noooo:

drumroll:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2013, 01:29:39 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 09:46:36 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

Somehow, I can't see them pulling it off. noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 23, 2013, 03:27:34 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 09:46:36 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 22, 2013, 08:38:05 PM
Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block online porn....... rubschin:

Somehow, I can't see them pulling it off. noooo:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM: Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 23, 2013, 04:41:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Prolly an AFFS......but lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 23, 2013, 04:42:20 PM: happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 23, 2013, 05:12:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Affs!

Mike Harding, Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester. 1975
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 23, 2013, 06:51:50 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 23, 2013, 05:12:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Affs!

Mike Harding, Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester. 1975

But has it ever been on here before like...? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 23, 2013, 06:54:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 06:51:50 PM
Quote from: Just One More on July 23, 2013, 05:12:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Affs!

Mike Harding, Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester. 1975

But has it ever been on here before like...? whistle:

We could do some Knock Knock jokes then. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 23, 2013, 06:57:37 PM: and cross the road jokes

Why did the pervert cross the road?

to get to the chicken
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 23, 2013, 06:58:57 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 23, 2013, 06:57:37 PM
and cross the road jokes

Why did the pervert cross the road?

to get to the chicken

noooo: BM might larf at it though. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 08:48:55 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 23, 2013, 05:12:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Affs!

Mike Harding, Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester. 1975

39 cents? Two bob more like it. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 23, 2013, 10:30:37 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

true .......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2013, 05:21:14 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 23, 2013, 08:48:55 PM
Quote from: Just One More on July 23, 2013, 05:12:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 23, 2013, 04:40:36 PM
Apey walks into a bar in Pafos and asks for two double whiskey's, the barman pours them...

Apey downs them straight away then says ' I shouldn't have drunk them with what I've got'

The barman says 'why what have you got?'

'39 cents' Apey replies

Affs!

Mike Harding, Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester. 1975

39 cents? Two bob more like it. ;)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 24, 2013, 08:32:24 AM: An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 24, 2013, 08:34:31 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 24, 2013, 08:32:24 AM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 24, 2013, 09:27:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 24, 2013, 08:32:24 AM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 24, 2013, 01:05:17 PM: ACTUAL PASSPORT OFFICE LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,
...
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2013, 01:11:53 PM: Quote from: Baldy on July 24, 2013, 01:05:17 PM
ACTUAL PASSPORT OFFICE LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,
...
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

AFFS! whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=7084.msg407505#msg407505 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=7084.msg407505#msg407505)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 24, 2013, 01:15:49 PM: Couldn't be arsed to look, thought it prolly would be. Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 27, 2013, 04:42:19 PM: Might be an AFFS, but it is easier to post it:

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
is 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector" says the Coroner.

"Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector

"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 27, 2013, 06:17:52 PM: Quote from: Baldy on July 27, 2013, 04:42:19 PM
Might be an AFFS, but it is easier to post it:

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
is 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector" says the Coroner.

"Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 10:11:47 AM: An email has flooded in containing this little gem! (http://youtu.be/4BMUC4Yb4z4)

<snigger>
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2013, 10:14:41 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 10:11:47 AM
An email has flooded in containing this little gem! (http://youtu.be/4BMUC4Yb4z4)

<snigger>

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2013, 11:24:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2013, 10:14:41 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 10:11:47 AM
An email has flooded in containing this little gem! (http://youtu.be/4BMUC4Yb4z4)

<snigger>

lol: lol: lol:
happy001 happy001 happy001

(now in my Outbox)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2013, 12:32:02 PM: She also put the milk in first! sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 01:37:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2013, 12:32:02 PM
She also put the milk in first! sick2:

Here we go again - he'll be on about spout filling next . . . . sadsmiley30:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2013, 03:11:55 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 01:37:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2013, 12:32:02 PM
She also put the milk in first! sick2:

Here we go again - he'll be on about spout filling next . . . . sadsmiley30:

Her spout was filled with a tea bag! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 28, 2013, 05:37:05 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 28, 2013, 10:11:47 AM
An email has flooded in containing this little gem! (http://youtu.be/4BMUC4Yb4z4)

<snigger>

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 28, 2013, 07:29:04 PM: A 16-year-old boy has been gored to death at a running-of-the-bulls festival celebrating the patron saint of a Spanish town, police say.........

Still a lot safer pastime than train spotting though...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 28, 2013, 08:02:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 28, 2013, 07:29:04 PM
A 16-year-old boy has been gored to death at a running-of-the-bulls festival celebrating the patron saint of a Spanish town, police say.........

Still a lot safer pastime than train spotting though...........

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 29, 2013, 06:21:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 28, 2013, 07:29:04 PM
A 16-year-old boy has been gored to death at a running-of-the-bulls festival celebrating the patron saint of a Spanish town, police say.........

Still a lot safer pastime than train spotting though...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 30, 2013, 03:31:24 PM: YAEMFI -

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights,
And windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 30, 2013, 03:33:47 PM: SMEMFI -

Health Information .

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy ?
· Do you suffer from shyness ?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive ?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon .

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ..

---------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales, and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 30, 2013, 05:37:28 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 30, 2013, 03:31:24 PM
YAEMFI -

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights,
And windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 31, 2013, 05:49:44 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 30, 2013, 03:33:47 PM
SMEMFI -

Health Information .

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy ?
· Do you suffer from shyness ?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive ?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon .

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz ..

---------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales, and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 01, 2013, 04:48:25 AM: Camel Toe Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbu2KpnwWLU#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2013, 05:43:03 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 01, 2013, 04:48:25 AM
Camel Toe Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbu2KpnwWLU#)

happy001

Excellent! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 02, 2013, 09:13:52 AM: Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 02, 2013, 09:15:16 AM: What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a marsupial the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 02, 2013, 09:34:42 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2013, 09:34:49 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:13:52 AM
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2013, 09:35:08 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:15:16 AM
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a marsupial the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM: Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2013, 10:46:03 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 02, 2013, 10:48:39 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 02, 2013, 09:34:49 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:13:52 AM
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 02, 2013, 05:48:36 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:13:52 AM
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 02, 2013, 05:49:14 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:15:16 AM
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a marsupial the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 02, 2013, 05:54:11 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2013, 06:26:46 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 02, 2013, 05:54:11 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

Shrugs:

Mong.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 02, 2013, 08:34:22 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 02, 2013, 06:26:46 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 02, 2013, 05:54:11 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

Shrugs:

Mong.... ::)

Indeed. An allegedly "educated" man...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 02, 2013, 08:45:48 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2013, 06:05:05 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 08:34:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 02, 2013, 06:26:46 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 02, 2013, 05:54:11 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 02, 2013, 09:54:56 AM
Hans Riegel from Bonn founded HARIBO in 1920.

His only competitor was Valentine Gildermann from Narrenhausen.

Poor guy didn't have a fucking chance.

Shrugs:

Mong.... ::)

Indeed. An allegedly "educated" man...

Indeed... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2013, 07:36:06 AM: A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told...

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2013, 07:39:02 AM: A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 03, 2013, 08:10:42 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 03, 2013, 07:39:02 AM
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2013, 10:28:47 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 03, 2013, 08:10:42 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 03, 2013, 07:39:02 AM
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:30:12 PM: From a flooding e-mail:

The Best Divorce Letter, ever !

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have

nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle,

had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;

whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!

Have a great life!

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a

good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your

constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing

that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say

something nice, I didn't comment......

and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me

confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 10 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99

price tag was still on it,& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother

had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,

I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris,

but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures

you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my 'brother' Carl

was born Carla. I sure hope that's not a problem.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 03, 2013, 11:34:57 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2013, 11:35:26 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:57:27 PM: You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 05:22:22 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:57:27 PM
You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 04, 2013, 08:04:28 AM: Quote from: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 05:22:22 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:57:27 PM
You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. noooo:

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 07:47:34 PM: Quote from: boogs on August 04, 2013, 08:04:28 AM
Quote from: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 05:22:22 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:57:27 PM
You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. noooo:

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep noooo:

Not much.....do you realise how early the boozers open here?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 04, 2013, 08:01:46 PM: Quote from: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 07:47:34 PM
Quote from: boogs on August 04, 2013, 08:04:28 AM
Quote from: Baldy on August 04, 2013, 05:22:22 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 03, 2013, 11:57:27 PM
You guys are up late! Particularly Baldy - what is it? 3 a.m.?

Yep. It was about that when I decided to go my pit. noooo:

Bluddy hell did you get any sleep noooo:

Not much.....do you realise how early the boozers open here?

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 04, 2013, 11:30:03 PM: I accidentally dropped a bag of rice down the toilet.

So I placed it in a box of smartphones and left it overnight.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 04, 2013, 11:32:54 PM: The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2013, 11:57:37 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 04, 2013, 11:32:54 PM
The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 05, 2013, 05:59:26 AM: happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2013, 06:04:41 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 04, 2013, 11:30:03 PM
I accidentally dropped a bag of rice down the toilet.

So I placed it in a box of smartphones and left it overnight.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2013, 06:05:17 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 04, 2013, 11:32:54 PM
The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 05, 2013, 07:57:33 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 04, 2013, 11:32:54 PM
The new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.

The first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 05, 2013, 07:58:16 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 04, 2013, 11:30:03 PM
I accidentally dropped a bag of rice down the toilet.

So I placed it in a box of smartphones and left it overnight.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2013, 08:11:41 AM: This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 05, 2013, 09:40:50 PM: A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own.

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While
there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes,

wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it,

allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural. I work
out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best
part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was
me......'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2013, 10:04:45 PM: Quote from: Baldy on August 05, 2013, 09:40:50 PM
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own.

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While
there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes,

wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it,

allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural. I work
out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best
part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was
me......'
happy001 happy001 happy001

and I didn't see that punchline coming either
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 05, 2013, 10:43:01 PM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 06, 2013, 05:33:18 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 06, 2013, 02:40:05 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001 classic
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 06, 2013, 03:18:40 PM: Now shared

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 07, 2013, 10:52:45 AM: I work at 'The Ministry of Silly Walks'.

But when I'm there, I have to call it the 'Spinal Injuries Unit'.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 07, 2013, 11:19:59 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 07, 2013, 10:52:45 AM
I work at 'The Ministry of Silly Walks'.

But when I'm there, I have to call it the 'Spinal Injuries Unit'.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 08, 2013, 09:06:38 AM: Breaking news:

France surrenders to Bongo-BongoLand!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 08, 2013, 09:13:59 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on August 08, 2013, 09:06:38 AM
Breaking news:

France surrenders to Bongo-BongoLand!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 09, 2013, 10:41:04 PM: 101 George Carlin quotes (http://jamesaquilone.com/101-greatest-george-carlin-quotes/)

Some must be Affs, some are duds and 101 are too many but imho a fair few gems

Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Quote
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

etc
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 10, 2013, 06:41:28 AM: You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 10, 2013, 06:42:17 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 10, 2013, 06:41:28 AM
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 10, 2013, 06:56:32 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 10, 2013, 06:41:28 AM
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top...

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 10, 2013, 08:48:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 10, 2013, 06:56:32 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 10, 2013, 06:41:28 AM
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top...

lol: lol: lol: lol:

noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 13, 2013, 06:10:38 AM: My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is."Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 13, 2013, 07:07:16 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 13, 2013, 06:10:38 AM
My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is."Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 13, 2013, 07:20:06 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 13, 2013, 06:10:38 AM
My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is."Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 13, 2013, 08:07:28 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 13, 2013, 07:20:06 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 13, 2013, 06:10:38 AM
My son came home from School today and asked me what the difference between Protestants and Catholics is."Well son," I replied, "Protestants believe that the Bible alone is the source of God's word and that no man on earth may add to God's teachings, whereas Catholics on the other hand believe that it's OK to fuck young boys up the arse."

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 13, 2013, 12:40:31 PM: Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 13, 2013, 12:46:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 13, 2013, 12:40:31 PM

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.......... rubschin:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 13, 2013, 12:48:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 13, 2013, 12:40:31 PM

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.......... rubschin:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 13, 2013, 01:33:15 PM: My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"

I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 13, 2013, 01:41:02 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 14, 2013, 08:45:23 AM: Quote from: Baldy on August 13, 2013, 12:48:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 13, 2013, 12:40:31 PM

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.......... rubschin:

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 14, 2013, 12:50:23 PM: If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight........

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 14, 2013, 01:02:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 14, 2013, 12:50:23 PM
If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight........

redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2013, 01:48:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 14, 2013, 12:50:23 PM
If online bullying has taught us anything.....

It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight........

redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 17, 2013, 09:30:43 AM: David Blaine and Dynamo walk into a bakery. Blaine palms 3 Doughnuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Dynamo, I make doughnuts disappear at will!"

Dynamo responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Dynamo then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Dynamo asks him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and eats that as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick?" says the puzzled baker. I gave you 3 doughnuts already!"

Dynamo responds, "Go check David Blaine's pocket."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 17, 2013, 09:37:32 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 17, 2013, 09:30:43 AM
David Blaine and Dynamo walk into a bakery. Blaine palms 3 Doughnuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Dynamo, I make doughnuts disappear at will!"

Dynamo responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Dynamo then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Dynamo asks him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and eats that as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick?" says the puzzled baker. I gave you 3 doughnuts already!"

Dynamo responds, "Go check David Blaine's pocket."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 17, 2013, 10:02:05 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 17, 2013, 09:30:43 AM
David Blaine and Dynamo walk into a bakery. Blaine palms 3 Doughnuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Dynamo, I make doughnuts disappear at will!"

Dynamo responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Dynamo then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Dynamo asks him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and eats that as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick?" says the puzzled baker. I gave you 3 doughnuts already!"

Dynamo responds, "Go check David Blaine's pocket."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 18, 2013, 09:37:40 PM: I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Liverpool to win the Premiership."...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 18, 2013, 09:59:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 18, 2013, 09:37:40 PM
I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Liverpool to win the Premiership."...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2013, 05:49:12 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 18, 2013, 09:37:40 PM
I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Liverpool to win the Premiership."...........

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 19, 2013, 11:55:09 AM: 5 surgeons!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Glasgow, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Cardiff, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from York, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Birmingham chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from London, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

--
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 19, 2013, 05:35:57 PM: BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to France together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2013, 05:49:17 PM: AFFS... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 19, 2013, 07:08:38 PM: During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 19, 2013, 07:12:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 19, 2013, 07:08:38 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2013, 07:18:51 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 19, 2013, 07:08:38 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 19, 2013, 08:47:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 19, 2013, 07:08:38 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:27:22 PM: Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has failed in her attempt to sue St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:29:24 PM: Pished 'n swished in Glasgae

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper
and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time
ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your
husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:31:16 PM: A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 20, 2013, 03:39:34 PM: Quote from: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:29:24 PM

Pished 'n swished in Glasgae

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper
and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time
ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your
husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came
home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

;D ;D ;D

Many a true word...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 20, 2013, 03:40:01 PM: Quote from: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:31:16 PM
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2013, 03:47:52 PM: Prior to her wedding to Prince Charles, Camilla bought a new pair of shoes which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired
back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Please
remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.

"Harder", yelled Camilla.

"Harder?", Charles yelled back, "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on give it all you've got", she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, "Oh God, that feels so good"'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!"

Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, "Oh God darling, this one's even tighter"

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, "That's my boy; once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 20, 2013, 06:35:39 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 20, 2013, 08:04:59 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001 to all 4 from Boogs ^ :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 20, 2013, 09:45:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2013, 08:04:59 PM
happy001 happy001 happy001 to all 4 from Boogs ^ :thumbsup:
:thumbsup: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 21, 2013, 02:46:42 PM: The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 21, 2013, 02:47:55 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 21, 2013, 02:49:28 PM: Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside a pharmacy today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell puppy today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Detroit.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 21, 2013, 02:53:24 PM: I was shopping at Bluewater the other day

When I bumped into the

‘Legendary Entertainer’

Rolf Harris.

I was so excited I said to him,

"I remember you doing Two Little Boys in 1970".

He said ....

“fu@k off!... That was Gary Glitter.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 21, 2013, 09:35:12 PM: A mum was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do.

He replies 'whatever you do don't fucking spank him!'........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 21, 2013, 09:37:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 21, 2013, 09:35:12 PM
A mum was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do.

He replies 'whatever you do don't fucking spank him!'........
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 21, 2013, 11:44:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 21, 2013, 09:35:12 PM
A mum was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do.

He replies 'whatever you do don't fucking spank him!'........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 22, 2013, 06:18:10 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 21, 2013, 09:35:12 PM
A mum was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do.

He replies 'whatever you do don't fucking spank him!'........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 22, 2013, 05:25:50 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 06:46:21 PM: Just as well they don't have any Doris's or Mavis's in their Nissan Micras ;D

Rush Hour Traffic in Ho Chi Minh City, Viet Nam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4phFYiMGCIY#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 27, 2013, 07:21:27 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 06:46:21 PM
Just as well they don't have any Doris's or Mavis's in their Nissan Micras ;D

Rush Hour Traffic in Ho Chi Minh City, Viet Nam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4phFYiMGCIY#)

What a nightmare I would have taken a few of them out cause I would just put my foot down and go for it... redface: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 27, 2013, 07:22:19 PM: Three Americans walk into a bar...

Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 27, 2013, 07:48:19 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 27, 2013, 07:22:19 PM
Three Americans walk into a bar...

Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.

Affs that is a normal day in yankee land ... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 27, 2013, 07:56:15 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 27, 2013, 07:22:19 PM
Three Americans walk into a bar...

Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 27, 2013, 08:00:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 06:46:21 PM
Just as well they don't have any Doris's or Mavis's in their Nissan Micras ;D

Rush Hour Traffic in Ho Chi Minh City, Viet Nam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4phFYiMGCIY#)
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 08:47:51 PM: noooo: noooo: noooo:

Drunk Lady Washes Up On Beach (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfKwcMtp4Xk#ws)

horn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 27, 2013, 09:03:07 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 08:47:51 PM
noooo: noooo: noooo:

Drunk Lady Washes Up On Beach (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfKwcMtp4Xk#ws)

horn:
eeek:

I see the camera operator does eff all to help her and it's kids that do in the end

noooo: noooo: noooo: indeed
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 28, 2013, 07:16:59 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 27, 2013, 06:46:21 PM
Just as well they don't have any Doris's or Mavis's in their Nissan Micras ;D

Rush Hour Traffic in Ho Chi Minh City, Viet Nam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4phFYiMGCIY#)

Amazing! ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM: What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 29, 2013, 10:36:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol:

And Ellie Symonds posters on their bedroom walls
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 29, 2013, 04:48:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 29, 2013, 10:36:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol:

And Ellie Symonds posters on their bedroom walls

I would have thought they would have posters of Ellie Simmonds. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:48:14 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 29, 2013, 04:48:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 29, 2013, 10:36:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol:

And Ellie Symonds posters on their bedroom walls

I would have thought they would have posters of Ellie Simmonds. whistle:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 29, 2013, 06:01:13 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 29, 2013, 04:48:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 29, 2013, 10:36:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol:

And Ellie Symonds posters on their bedroom walls

I would have thought they would have posters of Ellie Simmonds. whistle:
evil:

And thus it was that the third great spell checking war started
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 29, 2013, 06:02:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 29, 2013, 06:01:13 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 29, 2013, 04:48:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 29, 2013, 10:36:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 29, 2013, 05:58:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 29, 2013, 05:56:21 AM
What do midgets and dwarves have in common?

Very little lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol:

And Ellie Symonds posters on their bedroom walls

I would have thought they would have posters of Ellie Simmonds. whistle:
evil:

And thus it was that the third great spell checking war started

The XXVII war of pedantry...... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM: I am ready, sir angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on August 29, 2013, 06:07:25 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM
I am ready, sir angel1

You can't even spell "scary". Ginger tit :D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 29, 2013, 06:16:09 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 29, 2013, 06:07:25 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM
I am ready, sir angel1

You can't even spell "scary". Ginger tit :D

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 29, 2013, 06:18:06 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 29, 2013, 06:07:25 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM
I am ready, sir angel1

You can't even spell "scary". Ginger tit :D

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scarey (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scarey)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 29, 2013, 10:33:09 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:18:06 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 29, 2013, 06:07:25 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM
I am ready, sir angel1

You can't even spell "scary". Ginger tit :D

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scarey (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scarey)
point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 30, 2013, 05:10:27 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on August 29, 2013, 06:07:25 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 29, 2013, 06:03:21 PM
I am ready, sir angel1

You can't even spell "scary". Ginger tit :D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2013, 01:45:25 PM: You have to take your hat off to Cheryl Cole’s tattoo artist , 15 hours work without a cock up!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 30, 2013, 01:58:04 PM: Mr Thread?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2013, 01:59:48 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on August 30, 2013, 01:58:04 PM
Mr Thread?

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 30, 2013, 03:25:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2013, 01:45:25 PM
You have to take your hat off to Cheryl Cole’s tattoo artist , 15 hours work without a cock up!

How do you know that is the case ..... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2013, 04:03:13 PM: Quote from: boogs on August 30, 2013, 03:25:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2013, 01:45:25 PM
You have to take your hat off to Cheryl Cole’s tattoo artist , 15 hours work without a cock up!

How do you know that is the case ..... eeek:

eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 30, 2013, 05:29:13 PM: Shocked: Is APC working rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2013, 06:18:46 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2013, 05:29:13 PM
Shocked: Is APC working rubschin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 30, 2013, 11:32:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2013, 06:18:46 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2013, 05:29:13 PM
Shocked: Is APC working rubschin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

Arse tattoos.

Because sometimes just being married to a nigger doesn't say "common" enough.. evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 31, 2013, 06:22:54 AM: Affs!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2013, 06:39:23 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 31, 2013, 06:22:54 AM
Affs!

+1 Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 31, 2013, 08:51:53 AM: He just can't get over that her hubbie gave up a losing team to go to a winning team
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 31, 2013, 02:06:18 PM: In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 euros......

That's nothing - In India, I watched a live one just by buying a bus ticket.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 31, 2013, 02:06:57 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 31, 2013, 02:06:18 PM
In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 euros......

That's nothing - In India, I watched a live one just by buying a bus ticket.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 31, 2013, 03:10:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 31, 2013, 02:06:18 PM
In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 euros......

That's nothing - In India, I watched a live one just by buying a bus ticket.......

AFFS lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 31, 2013, 04:12:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 31, 2013, 02:06:18 PM
In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 euros......

That's nothing - In India, I watched a live one just by buying a bus ticket.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM: As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2013, 03:06:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 03, 2013, 06:06:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 03, 2013, 08:21:27 PM: Quote from: boogs on September 03, 2013, 06:06:28 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 03, 2013, 10:39:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 04, 2013, 08:31:00 AM: Quote from: Baldy on September 03, 2013, 10:39:17 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 03, 2013, 02:51:50 PM
As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.,,,,,,,,

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:04:46 AM: Warning about eBay

WARNING ABOUT eBAY.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2013, 07:57:05 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fz7rphzsbb%2Fmentally_challenged.jpg&hash=e5084ca3961287e67d348b8715afa96cfb3582e2) (http://postimg.org/image/z7rphzsbb/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 04, 2013, 07:58:08 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2013, 07:57:05 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fz7rphzsbb%2Fmentally_challenged.jpg&hash=e5084ca3961287e67d348b8715afa96cfb3582e2) (http://postimg.org/image/z7rphzsbb/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2013, 08:19:34 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 04, 2013, 10:40:45 PM: Quote from: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:04:46 AM
Warning about eBay

WARNING ABOUT eBAY.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."

I sell them. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:13:31 PM: Quote from: Baldy on September 04, 2013, 10:40:45 PM
Quote from: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:04:46 AM
Warning about eBay

WARNING ABOUT eBAY.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."

I sell them. Thumbs:

You was it .... rubschin: I won't tell ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 04, 2013, 11:27:30 PM: Quote from: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:13:31 PM
Quote from: Baldy on September 04, 2013, 10:40:45 PM
Quote from: boogs on September 04, 2013, 11:04:46 AM
Warning about eBay

WARNING ABOUT eBAY.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."

I sell them. Thumbs:

You was it .... rubschin: I won't tell ;)

Ask Foggy. whistle:

Mates rates. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2013, 05:37:26 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2013, 07:57:05 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fz7rphzsbb%2Fmentally_challenged.jpg&hash=e5084ca3961287e67d348b8715afa96cfb3582e2) (http://postimg.org/image/z7rphzsbb/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 01:59:47 PM: An email has flooded in to my YAHOO MAIL account BT flavour . . . . .

Subject: Beijing English - Chinese hotel brochure .......

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 05, 2013, 02:14:01 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 01:59:47 PM
An email has flooded in to my YAHOO MAIL account BT flavour . . . . .

Subject: Beijing English - Chinese hotel brochure .......

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 05, 2013, 02:27:58 PM: I'd rather have a French widow in every room whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2013, 02:38:11 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 01:59:47 PM
An email has flooded in to my YAHOO MAIL account BT flavour . . . . .

Subject: Beijing English - Chinese hotel brochure .......

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 05, 2013, 03:40:04 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 01:59:47 PM
An email has flooded in to my YAHOO MAIL account BT flavour . . . . .

Subject: Beijing English - Chinese hotel brochure .......

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 03:52:10 PM: Yet another YAHOO email floods in. ( point: BM )

Subject: Fw: HOW MANY DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/ (http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2013, 04:06:41 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 03:52:10 PM
Yet another YAHOO email floods in. ( point: BM )

Subject: Fw: HOW MANY DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/ (http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/)

happy001

Mail now working thanks for your concern.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 05, 2013, 04:36:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 05, 2013, 04:06:41 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 05, 2013, 03:52:10 PM
Yet another YAHOO email floods in. ( point: BM )

Subject: Fw: HOW MANY DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/ (http://tropfest.com/au/2012/02/04/how-many-more-doctors-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/)

happy001

Mail now working thanks for your concern.... evil:

So it was PICNIC then. point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 06, 2013, 02:05:50 PM: Sure it is an AFFS, but why the hell not? :thumbsup:

Armageddon!!... the gerbil (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 06, 2013, 05:17:59 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 06, 2013, 05:24:53 PM: Sure it is an AFFS, but why the hell not? :thumbsup:

Jonathan Agnew (Aggers) & Brian Johnston - Test Match Special Legover outtake (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVTpX7LdZQ#)

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 11, 2013, 05:32:41 PM: After being found not guilty, Michael LeVell said he was always confident in court..........

He had an audience of 12...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 11, 2013, 06:14:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 11, 2013, 05:32:41 PM
After being found not guilty, Michael LeVell said he was always confident in court..........

He had an audience of 12...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 11, 2013, 06:17:53 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 11, 2013, 05:32:41 PM
After being found not guilty, Michael LeVell said he was always confident in court..........

He had an audience of 12...........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2013, 07:01:23 AM: When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."

But when I do it,

I'm, "an alcoholic."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 22, 2013, 07:02:34 AM: An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

(Free ear worm :thumbsup:)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2013, 07:16:01 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 22, 2013, 07:16:55 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 22, 2013, 07:02:34 AM
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

(Free ear worm :thumbsup:)

lol: (I can think of worse earworms to have)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 22, 2013, 08:52:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 22, 2013, 07:16:55 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 22, 2013, 07:02:34 AM
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

(Free ear worm :thumbsup:)

lol: (I can think of worse earworms to have)
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 22, 2013, 12:12:09 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 22, 2013, 07:16:55 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 22, 2013, 07:02:34 AM
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

(Free ear worm :thumbsup:)

lol: (I can think of worse earworms to have)

happy001 me too but it is stuck now ...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 22, 2013, 11:39:32 PM: Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus........

If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 22, 2013, 11:40:16 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 22, 2013, 11:39:32 PM

Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus........

If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 22, 2013, 11:42:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 22, 2013, 11:39:32 PM

Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus........

If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2013, 05:09:57 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 22, 2013, 11:39:32 PM

Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus........

If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2013, 09:29:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 23, 2013, 05:09:57 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 22, 2013, 11:39:32 PM

Elton John claims he can "spot a car crash before it happens," referring to Miley Cyrus........

If that's the case, why didn't he fucking do that with Diana?

lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 23, 2013, 09:50:11 AM: Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 23, 2013, 10:00:31 AM: Quote from: boogs on September 23, 2013, 09:50:11 AM

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2013, 10:47:59 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 23, 2013, 10:00:31 AM
Quote from: boogs on September 23, 2013, 09:50:11 AM

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

happy002

(a clever adaptation of the golfers wives joke )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM: My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2013, 02:39:07 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM
My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 23, 2013, 04:25:23 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM
My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)

Know the feeling.... lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2013, 05:37:24 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM
My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)
happy001

surely not
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 23, 2013, 08:09:27 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM
My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 23, 2013, 08:59:57 PM: Quote from: Baldy on September 23, 2013, 08:09:27 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on September 23, 2013, 02:16:40 PM
My life in a nutshell noooo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2F3q3oi62dv%2F1239867_755910004438455_1341739868_n.jpg&hash=ddbf5739edc3a85493775848adfcc9e7af484f50) (http://postimg.org/image/3q3oi62dv/)

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 24, 2013, 07:56:11 AM: An email quietly falls to the floor . . . .

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 24, 2013, 08:27:45 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 24, 2013, 07:56:11 AM
An email quietly falls to the floor . . . .

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2013, 08:37:15 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on September 24, 2013, 07:56:11 AM
An email quietly falls to the floor . . . .

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 24, 2013, 04:10:15 PM: So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammeds mother?

That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 24, 2013, 04:41:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 24, 2013, 04:10:15 PM

So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammeds mother?

That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.......

noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2013, 06:04:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 24, 2013, 04:10:15 PM

So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammeds mother?

That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2013, 09:29:23 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 24, 2013, 06:04:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 24, 2013, 04:10:15 PM

So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammeds mother?

That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.......

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 24, 2013, 10:07:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 24, 2013, 09:29:23 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 24, 2013, 06:04:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 24, 2013, 04:10:15 PM

So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammeds mother?

That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.......

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

FFS lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 02, 2013, 03:44:37 PM: http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 02, 2013, 04:23:07 PM: Hated sad24: sad24: sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2013, 04:29:09 PM: Merely loathed.... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 02, 2013, 07:30:25 PM: Hated ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:33:04 PM: Why didn't I get hated....? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 02, 2013, 07:38:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:33:04 PM
Why didn't I get hated....? rubschin:

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 02, 2013, 07:42:59 PM: "Hated" and I didn't even get to answer all the questions
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:48:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2013, 07:42:59 PM
"Hated" and I didn't even get to answer all the questions

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 02, 2013, 07:55:37 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:48:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2013, 07:42:59 PM
"Hated" and I didn't even get to answer all the questions

rubschin:

Why don't you try it again eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 02, 2013, 09:19:04 PM: Quote from: boogs on October 02, 2013, 07:55:37 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:48:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2013, 07:42:59 PM
"Hated" and I didn't even get to answer all the questions

rubschin:

Why don't you try it again eeek:
I did, if I lie and say I like Michael Gove it lets me answer more questions and still says they hate me

Fair enough really, I hate that lying, story twisting, hypocritical pile of not fit for for bog roll paper the DM
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 02, 2013, 09:25:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2013, 09:19:04 PM
Quote from: boogs on October 02, 2013, 07:55:37 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 02, 2013, 07:48:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2013, 07:42:59 PM
"Hated" and I didn't even get to answer all the questions

rubschin:

Why don't you try it again eeek:
I did, if I lie and say I like Michael Gove it lets me answer more questions and still says they hate me

Fair enough really, I hate that lying, story twisting, hypocritical pile of not fit for for bog roll paper the DM

I have too and I am still hated.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 03, 2013, 10:06:28 AM: A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied : "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 03, 2013, 10:10:31 AM: Some AFFS I know Shrugs:

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 03, 2013, 10:19:24 AM: Quote from: boogs on October 03, 2013, 10:06:28 AM
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied : "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire."
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 03, 2013, 08:19:24 PM: Well, we are all familiar with this kind of crap every 3 months or so...

"SORRY, THAT PASSWORD HAS EXPIRED - YOU MUST REGISTER A NEW ONE"

Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

No, you must get a new one.

I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses

Sorry you must use more letters.

OK, pretty roses

No good, you must use at least one numerical character

OK, 1 pretty rose

Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

OK, 1prettyrose

You must use additional characters

OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use more letters.

OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 03, 2013, 08:28:54 PM: lol: lol: lol: ^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 03, 2013, 08:37:52 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 03, 2013, 08:39:17 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2013, 06:27:59 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 04, 2013, 07:50:07 PM: Saloon Bar, Commons, Comedy Room, you decide (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/iain-duncan-smiths-realistic-unemployment-simulator/) rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 04, 2013, 10:55:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 04, 2013, 07:50:07 PM
Saloon Bar, Commons, Comedy Room, you decide (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/iain-duncan-smiths-realistic-unemployment-simulator/) rubschin:
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 04, 2013, 10:57:03 PM: THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2013, 05:45:19 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 04, 2013, 07:50:07 PM
Saloon Bar, Commons, Comedy Room, you decide (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/iain-duncan-smiths-realistic-unemployment-simulator/) rubschin:

Or The Commons even...? lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 08, 2013, 11:33:34 AM: If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2013, 11:35:14 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 08, 2013, 11:33:34 AM
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 12:09:37 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 08, 2013, 11:33:34 AM
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 08, 2013, 12:13:33 PM: Quote from: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 12:09:37 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 08, 2013, 11:33:34 AM
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 01:33:58 PM: An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 08, 2013, 01:46:26 PM: Quote from: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 01:33:58 PM
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2013, 01:50:25 PM: Quote from: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 01:33:58 PM
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 08, 2013, 06:02:09 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 08, 2013, 01:50:25 PM
Quote from: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 01:33:58 PM
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 09, 2013, 07:47:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 08, 2013, 12:13:33 PM
Quote from: Baldy on October 08, 2013, 12:09:37 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 08, 2013, 11:33:34 AM
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

lol: lol: lol:
happy001

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 09, 2013, 01:13:29 PM: Huge Bear Surprises The Film Crew At Samsung EcoBubble Washing Machine Shoot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at-Iq88aymI#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 09, 2013, 01:14:34 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 09, 2013, 01:13:29 PM
Huge Bear Surprises The Film Crew At Samsung EcoBubble Washing Machine Shoot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at-Iq88aymI#ws)

AFFS.......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 09, 2013, 05:09:51 PM: Definitely AFFS noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 09, 2013, 05:17:56 PM: ^^^ wot they said ^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 10, 2013, 07:45:23 AM: I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2013, 07:45:49 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 10, 2013, 07:45:23 AM
I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 10, 2013, 12:00:01 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 10, 2013, 07:45:23 AM
I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 10, 2013, 12:06:17 PM: Former Scotland boss Berti Vogts has revealed he asked a 16 year old Wayne Rooney if he would play for Scotland as he had a Scottish Grandmother.

But he picked England because he'd had 14 English Grannies.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2013, 12:10:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 10, 2013, 12:06:17 PM
Former Scotland boss Berti Vogts has revealed he asked a 16 year old Wayne Rooney if he would play for Scotland as he had a Scottish Grandmother.

But he picked England because he'd had 14 English Grannies.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 11, 2013, 07:18:42 AM: The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.

Maybe I should change my ringtone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 11, 2013, 07:19:35 AM: My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.

She's just had the letter about her 8% gas increase.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2013, 07:58:57 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 11, 2013, 07:19:35 AM
My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.

She's just had the letter about her 8% gas increase.

Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 11, 2013, 07:18:42 AM
The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.

Maybe I should change my ringtone.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 11, 2013, 08:35:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 11, 2013, 07:58:57 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 11, 2013, 07:19:35 AM
My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.

She's just had the letter about her 8% gas increase.

Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 11, 2013, 07:18:42 AM
The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.

Maybe I should change my ringtone.

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 11, 2013, 11:37:29 AM: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2013, 11:48:01 AM: Quote from: Baldy on October 11, 2013, 11:37:29 AM
On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 11, 2013, 04:25:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 11, 2013, 11:48:01 AM
Quote from: Baldy on October 11, 2013, 11:37:29 AM
On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

lol: lol: lol:
happy001

Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 11, 2013, 07:18:42 AM
The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.

Maybe I should change my ringtone.
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 12, 2013, 10:57:54 AM: This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria....

The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2013, 11:13:43 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 12, 2013, 10:57:54 AM
This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria....

The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails......

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 12, 2013, 11:40:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 12, 2013, 11:13:43 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 12, 2013, 10:57:54 AM
This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria....

The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails......

happy001
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 13, 2013, 08:47:55 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 12, 2013, 11:40:58 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 12, 2013, 11:13:43 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 12, 2013, 10:57:54 AM
This week nine missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who have been found at a TV station in Nigeria....

The TV station found them 6 years ago but no one replied to their emails......

happy001
happy002
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2013, 09:27:18 PM: The bookies make england 20 to 1 to win world cup.........

Those people who don't know how the odds work, it means if you put £1 on england....

you LOSE a £1.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 16, 2013, 09:31:12 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 16, 2013, 09:35:40 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 16, 2013, 09:52:47 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 17, 2013, 07:35:13 AM: Doreen in Maternity Pay Dispute (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rmz3uiZat84#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on October 17, 2013, 11:14:18 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 17, 2013, 07:35:13 AM
Doreen in Maternity Pay Dispute (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rmz3uiZat84#ws)

Have you ever been to the West Midlands?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 21, 2013, 11:26:06 AM: Bottle of Merlot.......PRICELESS.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and '7' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 21, 2013, 04:51:57 PM: http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/enraging-things-only-politicians-ever-say (http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/enraging-things-only-politicians-ever-say)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 21, 2013, 08:50:42 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 21, 2013, 04:51:57 PM
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/enraging-things-only-politicians-ever-say (http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/enraging-things-only-politicians-ever-say)
noooo:

Lessons need to be learned there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 21, 2013, 09:59:37 PM: Quote from: boogs on October 21, 2013, 11:26:06 AM

Bottle of Merlot.......PRICELESS.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and '7' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 06:23:56 PM: The Czech student who was responsible for murdering a Muslim Grandfather in Birmingham said that he wanted to kill all non-white people......

Someone should've told him if he starts his campaign in Birmingham he'll never be fucking finished......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 22, 2013, 06:34:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 06:23:56 PM
The Czech student who was responsible for murdering a Muslim Grandfather in Birmingham said that he wanted to kill all non-white people......

Someone should've told him if he starts his campaign in Birmingham he'll never be fucking finished......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 22, 2013, 06:56:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 06:23:56 PM
The Czech student who was responsible for murdering a Muslim Grandfather in Birmingham said that he wanted to kill all non-white people......

Someone should've told him if he starts his campaign in Birmingham he'll never be fucking finished......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 22, 2013, 07:09:09 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 10:38:19 PM: I honestly don't know how the Paki in our corner shop can follow the rules of the Quran.......

The cunt can't even follow the rule of "multi-pack, not to be sold separately"......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 23, 2013, 12:49:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 10:38:19 PM

I honestly don't know how the Paki in our corner shop can follow the rules of the Quran.......

The cunt can't even follow the rule of "multi-pack, not to be sold separately"......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2013, 06:26:36 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 10:38:19 PM

I honestly don't know how the Paki in our corner shop can follow the rules of the Quran.......

The cunt can't even follow the rule of "multi-pack, not to be sold separately"......

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 23, 2013, 07:00:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2013, 10:38:19 PM

I honestly don't know how the Paki in our corner shop can follow the rules of the Quran.......

The cunt can't even follow the rule of "multi-pack, not to be sold separately"......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 25, 2013, 12:34:26 PM: Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 25, 2013, 12:35:37 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 25, 2013, 12:34:26 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 25, 2013, 12:38:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 25, 2013, 12:35:37 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 25, 2013, 12:34:26 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 26, 2013, 03:02:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 25, 2013, 12:38:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 25, 2013, 12:35:37 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 25, 2013, 12:34:26 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy002 happy002 happy002

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on October 27, 2013, 08:32:41 PM: AFFS !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 29, 2013, 09:21:20 AM: "...very dark, is the other side, very dark."

"Shut up, Yoda. Just eat your fucking toast."

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 29, 2013, 10:27:24 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 29, 2013, 09:21:20 AM
"...very dark, is the other side, very dark."

"Shut up, Yoda. Just eat your fucking toast."

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2013, 11:56:27 AM: Some of them really do need a proof reader. . .

Quote
"Enjoy a 5" luxury holiday in the sun from just £199"

Perhaps I should forward it to Boogs. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2013, 12:03:11 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2013, 11:56:27 AM
Some of them really do need a proof reader. . .

Quote
"Enjoy a 5" luxury holiday in the sun from just £199"

Perhaps I should forward it to Boogs. ;)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2Femsp4x61d%2Fhard_facts_about_penis_size.jpg&hash=2431003a83884bc679d7f24c309fd34c52b73ae5) (http://postimg.org/image/emsp4x61d/)

Ireland! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2013, 12:10:06 PM: Quote from: Baldy on October 29, 2013, 10:27:24 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 29, 2013, 09:21:20 AM
"...very dark, is the other side, very dark."

"Shut up, Yoda. Just eat your fucking toast."

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.

When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza.

"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch."

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2013, 12:10:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 29, 2013, 12:03:11 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2013, 11:56:27 AM
Some of them really do need a proof reader. . .

Quote
"Enjoy a 5" luxury holiday in the sun from just £199"

Perhaps I should forward it to Boogs. ;)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2Femsp4x61d%2Fhard_facts_about_penis_size.jpg&hash=2431003a83884bc679d7f24c309fd34c52b73ae5) (http://postimg.org/image/emsp4x61d/)

Ireland! Thumbs:

lol: lol: both
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2013, 12:16:00 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 29, 2013, 12:03:11 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2013, 11:56:27 AM
Some of them really do need a proof reader. . .

Quote
"Enjoy a 5" luxury holiday in the sun from just £199"

Perhaps I should forward it to Boogs. ;)

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimg.org%2Femsp4x61d%2Fhard_facts_about_penis_size.jpg&hash=2431003a83884bc679d7f24c309fd34c52b73ae5) (http://postimg.org/image/emsp4x61d/)

Ireland! Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM: "Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on October 29, 2013, 01:12:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 29, 2013, 01:49:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2013, 02:14:47 PM: Quote from: Baldy on October 29, 2013, 01:49:41 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........

lol: lol: lol:
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2013, 03:26:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 29, 2013, 11:53:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2013, 12:51:02 PM
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.......

"Is," replied my lawyer..........

noooo: noooo: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM: During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:43:23 PM: Quote from: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
drumroll: drumroll:

Many a true word . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 30, 2013, 09:44:05 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:43:23 PM
Quote from: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
drumroll: drumroll:

Many a true word . . .

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 30, 2013, 09:45:26 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:43:23 PM
Quote from: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
drumroll: drumroll:

Many a true word . . .

From a woman's mouth........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:47:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 30, 2013, 09:45:26 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:43:23 PM
Quote from: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
drumroll: drumroll:

Many a true word . . .

From a woman's mouth........ rubschin:

Boogs is a realist.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 30, 2013, 09:48:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 30, 2013, 09:45:26 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2013, 09:43:23 PM
Quote from: boogs on October 30, 2013, 08:29:55 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
drumroll: drumroll:

Many a true word . . .

From a woman's mouth........ rubschin:

Shrugs: In some cases I can't argue ...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2013, 09:39:22 AM: Wodka Vodka Commercial--Very Funny!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnznrOqXVE#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2013, 09:41:38 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 31, 2013, 09:39:22 AM
Wodka Vodka Commercial--Very Funny!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnznrOqXVE#ws)

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 31, 2013, 09:50:48 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 31, 2013, 09:39:22 AM
Wodka Vodka Commercial--Very Funny!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnznrOqXVE#ws)

:thumbsup: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 31, 2013, 10:42:02 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on October 31, 2013, 09:39:22 AM
Wodka Vodka Commercial--Very Funny!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVnznrOqXVE#ws)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 01, 2013, 06:30:27 AM: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436) eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2013, 06:41:53 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 01, 2013, 06:30:27 AM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436) eeek:

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 01, 2013, 01:18:21 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 01, 2013, 06:30:27 AM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436) eeek:

::) noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 01, 2013, 11:04:25 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 01, 2013, 01:18:21 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 01, 2013, 06:30:27 AM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24768436) eeek:

::) noooo:
::) ::) noooo: noooo:

who was the one that they had dancing Gangnam Style?

Oh yes Channel 4's Cathy Newman

It is truly awful, do not click the video if you are of a sensitive disposition

Don't give up your day job! Serious Channel 4 News presenter Cathy Newman does Gangnam Style (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gOjw5ncV7A#ws)

noooo: noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2013, 06:09:17 AM: Not clicking.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 03, 2013, 02:14:27 PM: I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.

You just get taller. lol:

(and yes this should be in the Comedy Room even though I posted it...)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2013, 02:16:11 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2013, 02:14:27 PM
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.

You just get taller. lol:

(and yes this should be in the Comedy Room even though I posted it...)
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2013, 03:43:05 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 03, 2013, 02:14:27 PM
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.

You just get taller. lol:

(and yes this should be in the Comedy Room even though I posted it...)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2013, 07:57:39 PM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 04, 2013, 04:52:30 PM: I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar.

Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 04:56:50 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 04, 2013, 04:52:30 PM
I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar.

Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 04, 2013, 05:13:24 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 04, 2013, 04:52:30 PM
I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar.

Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2013, 05:25:24 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 04, 2013, 04:52:30 PM
I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar.

Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 08:21:21 PM: "Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?.............

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.".....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2013, 08:27:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 08:21:21 PM
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?.............

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.".....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 04, 2013, 09:31:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 08:21:21 PM
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?.............

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.".....

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 05, 2013, 12:07:03 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 04, 2013, 09:31:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 08:21:21 PM
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?.............

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.".....

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2013, 06:13:57 AM: i thought it might have been an AFFS so I did a search for 'lesbian fantasies'.... Drool:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 05, 2013, 07:58:13 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 05, 2013, 06:13:57 AM
i thought it might have been an AFFS so I did a search for 'lesbian fantasies'.... Drool:

noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 05, 2013, 06:35:44 PM: Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 05, 2013, 07:01:46 PM: I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving....

Just so they'll look in the fucking mirror occasionally......

(apologies to LL).... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2013, 07:36:13 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2013, 07:44:32 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 05, 2013, 06:35:44 PM
Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2013, 07:44:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 05, 2013, 07:01:46 PM
I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving....

Just so they'll look in the fucking mirror occasionally......

(apologies to LL).... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 05, 2013, 08:44:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 04, 2013, 08:27:18 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2013, 08:21:21 PM
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?.............

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.".....

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 05, 2013, 08:45:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 05, 2013, 07:01:46 PM
I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving....

Just so they'll look in the fucking mirror occasionally......

(apologies to LL).... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 05, 2013, 08:46:10 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 05, 2013, 06:35:44 PM
Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 05, 2013, 08:47:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 05, 2013, 07:44:32 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 05, 2013, 06:35:44 PM
Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 05, 2013, 08:59:44 PM: Winter Fuel payments explained

Recently older taxpayers received another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll attempt to explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity... or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Bangladesh

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore ? Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on "Girls"

4. Buying beer or whisky

5. Getting yourself a tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed "Girl" who you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!

No need to thank me... just glad I could be of help.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 05, 2013, 09:02:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 05, 2013, 08:59:44 PM
Winter Fuel payments explained

Recently older taxpayers received another 'Winter Fuel' payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll attempt to explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity... or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Bangladesh

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore ? Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on "Girls"

4. Buying beer or whisky

5. Getting yourself a tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed "Girl" who you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!

No need to thank me... just glad I could be of help.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 06, 2013, 04:02:41 PM: "My wife found a False Widow in the bath last night" I told Imran at work today.

"What's that then?" he asked.

"A big white tub we sit in to wash ourselves" I replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 06, 2013, 04:15:08 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 06, 2013, 04:02:41 PM
"My wife found a False Widow in the bath last night" I told Imran at work today.

"What's that then?" he asked.

"A big white tub we sit in to wash ourselves" I replied.

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 06, 2013, 05:05:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 06, 2013, 04:15:08 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 06, 2013, 04:02:41 PM
"My wife found a False Widow in the bath last night" I told Imran at work today.

"What's that then?" he asked.

"A big white tub we sit in to wash ourselves" I replied.

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 06, 2013, 05:29:47 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 06, 2013, 04:02:41 PM
"My wife found a False Widow in the bath last night" I told Imran at work today.

"What's that then?" he asked.

"A big white tub we sit in to wash ourselves" I replied.

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 07, 2013, 06:47:21 AM: As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 07:08:49 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 07, 2013, 06:47:21 AM
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2013, 07:24:48 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 07, 2013, 06:47:21 AM
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 07, 2013, 10:23:57 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 07, 2013, 07:24:48 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 07, 2013, 06:47:21 AM
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious.

lol: lol: lol:
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM: Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2013, 12:18:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 07, 2013, 01:31:51 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 08, 2013, 10:10:55 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 07, 2013, 01:31:51 PM
Quote from: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Or..........

I don't know what the problem is, I went as a fireman and they both went down on me.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2013, 10:11:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 08, 2013, 10:10:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 07, 2013, 01:31:51 PM
Quote from: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Or..........

I don't know what the problem is, I went as a fireman and they both went down on me.........
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 08, 2013, 10:13:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 08, 2013, 10:10:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 07, 2013, 01:31:51 PM
Quote from: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Or..........

I don't know what the problem is, I went as a fireman and they both went down on me.........

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 08, 2013, 10:44:35 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 08, 2013, 10:13:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 08, 2013, 10:10:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 07, 2013, 01:31:51 PM
Quote from: Baldy on November 07, 2013, 12:30:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2013, 12:10:17 PM

Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.........

I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.........

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Or..........

I don't know what the problem is, I went as a fireman and they both went down on me.........

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 09:08:45 PM: "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 09, 2013, 09:09:34 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 09:08:45 PM
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 09:25:47 PM: How many tourette's sufferers does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 09, 2013, 09:30:44 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 09:25:47 PM
How many tourette's sufferers does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 09, 2013, 10:12:13 PM: Pistorius Rhapsody - Amateur Transplants (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-e6qht-0AE#ws)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 11:36:15 PM: Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"

"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious Johnny"

"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 09, 2013, 11:51:32 PM: Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 09, 2013, 11:59:07 PM: Three dogs at the vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vets, when they struck up
a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you
here?"

The yellow Labrador said "I am a pisser. I piss on everything......the sofa,

the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night when

I pissed in the middle of the owner's bed"

The black lab said "So what the f--- is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it
will calm me down."

The yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I am inside, I dig up the

carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in

my owner's couch!"

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I am going to lose my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here?"

"I am a humper", said the Great Dane. I'll hump anything. I hump the cat, a

pillow, the table, fence posts. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away"."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's

nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2013, 05:52:02 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2013, 09:25:47 PM
How many tourette's sufferers does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2013, 05:54:53 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 09, 2013, 10:12:13 PM
Pistorius Rhapsody - Amateur Transplants (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-e6qht-0AE#ws)

Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2013, 05:58:24 AM: Quote from: boogs on November 09, 2013, 11:59:07 PM
Three dogs at the vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vets, when they struck up
a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you
here?"

The yellow Labrador said "I am a pisser. I piss on everything......the sofa,

the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night when

I pissed in the middle of the owner's bed"

The black lab said "So what the f--- is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it
will calm me down."

The yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I am inside, I dig up the

carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in

my owner's couch!"

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I am going to lose my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here?"

"I am a humper", said the Great Dane. I'll hump anything. I hump the cat, a

pillow, the table, fence posts. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away"."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's

nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped".

AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM: http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 10, 2013, 08:34:53 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

eeek: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 10, 2013, 08:35:32 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 10, 2013, 08:36:21 PM: It told me I was in Nottingham eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 10, 2013, 08:37:30 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:36:21 PM
It told me I was in Nottingham eeek:

I'm near Nottingham it said eeek: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 08:41:24 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:36:21 PM
It told me I was in Nottingham eeek:

0 %........... Thumbs: near Jersey .... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2013, 08:43:45 PM: 25% Northern... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 08:44:50 PM: Miss T came in at 77% near hull............ noooo:

Poor Apey......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 10, 2013, 08:50:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 08:44:50 PM
Miss T came in at 77% near hull............ noooo:

Poor Apey......... noooo:

Not that far out then eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:01:23 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol:

But wait, my results are in eeek:

Quote
The results are in! We reckon you're
57% northern
That's somewhere around Nottingham.

Feck moi Shrugs: Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 10, 2013, 09:02:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:01:23 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol:

But wait, my results are in eeek:

Quote
The results are in! We reckon you're
57% northern
That's somewhere around Nottingham.

Feck moi Shrugs: Shocked:

You must be here with me then rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 09:03:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:01:23 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol:

But wait, my results are in eeek:

Quote
The results are in! We reckon you're
57% northern
That's somewhere around Nottingham.

Feck moi Shrugs: Shocked:

A veggie northerner......... Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 10, 2013, 09:03:36 PM: Oxford for me. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:06:38 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 10, 2013, 09:02:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:01:23 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol:

But wait, my results are in eeek:

Quote
The results are in! We reckon you're
57% northern
That's somewhere around Nottingham.

Feck moi Shrugs: Shocked:

You must be here with me then rubschin:
lol:

Nope marooned in Sussex. I must have picked up some Northernisms from Mrs K or those trips to Old Trafford and beyond
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 10, 2013, 09:07:42 PM: I bet Tipsy is in Worstershire noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:08:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 09:03:19 PM
. .A veggie northerner......... Shocked:
It does happen!

I've heard
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 10, 2013, 09:09:46 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 09:03:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:01:23 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 10, 2013, 08:29:54 PM
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/north-o-meter/)

lol:

But wait, my results are in eeek:

Quote
The results are in! We reckon you're
57% northern
That's somewhere around Nottingham.

Feck moi Shrugs: Shocked:

A veggie northerner......... Shocked:

Midlander highly unlikely rubschin:

I only know one male veggie here and he is a real nutter was on faceache last night ranting about rats being killed whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 09:12:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2013, 09:08:42 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 10, 2013, 09:03:19 PM
. .A veggie northerner......... Shocked:
It does happen!

I've heard

Only coz they have no teeth ....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 11, 2013, 05:59:30 AM: I was at 100% half-way through and stayed there cloud9: Newcastle is not Northern though, it's feckin' Geordie-land Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 11:10:34 AM: If a dentist makes his money from people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it

Getting extremely tense staring at the toaster waiting for it to pop and having an absolute heart attack when it does.

Being unable to properly concentrate on the conversation while there's still one roast potato left.

Appearing anxious upon spotting a police car while driving, despite the fact you are doing nothing wrong.

Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end

Always feeling quite chuffed to be able to show the inspector your train ticket, despite never travelling without one

Accidentally touching a fellow commuter's hand and recoiling as if you've just been bitten by an adder

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.

Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit.

Running out of words for thank you after following someone through a series of doors.

Guilty of all these redface:

https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs (https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 11:19:30 AM: Telling the person on the other end of the telephone that you have a pen, regardless of your complete lack of pen. redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 11, 2013, 11:20:02 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:10:34 AM
If a dentist makes his money from people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it

Getting extremely tense staring at the toaster waiting for it to pop and having an absolute heart attack when it does.

Being unable to properly concentrate on the conversation while there's still one roast potato left.

Appearing anxious upon spotting a police car while driving, despite the fact you are doing nothing wrong.

Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end

Always feeling quite chuffed to be able to show the inspector your train ticket, despite never travelling without one

Accidentally touching a fellow commuter's hand and recoiling as if you've just been bitten by an adder

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.

Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit.

Running out of words for thank you after following someone through a series of doors.

Guilty of all these redface:

https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs (https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs)

lol: lol: lol:

Me too... especially the waiter clearing the table thing.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 11:22:00 AM: The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:32:13 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:10:34 AM
If a dentist makes his money from people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it

Getting extremely tense staring at the toaster waiting for it to pop and having an absolute heart attack when it does.

Being unable to properly concentrate on the conversation while there's still one roast potato left.

Appearing anxious upon spotting a police car while driving, despite the fact you are doing nothing wrong.

Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end

Always feeling quite chuffed to be able to show the inspector your train ticket, despite never travelling without one

Accidentally touching a fellow commuter's hand and recoiling as if you've just been bitten by an adder

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.

Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit.

Running out of words for thank you after following someone through a series of doors.

Guilty of all these redface:

https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs (https://www.facebook.com/VeryBritishProbs)

GUILTY redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 11:33:48 AM: Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:36:36 AM: Leaving glasses on the table in the pub I want to take them and put them back on the bar. redface: Old habits...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:38:00 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:33:48 AM
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

redface: redface: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 11:38:18 AM: Apologizing to the changing room attendant when none of your items fit.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2013, 12:32:09 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:38:00 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:33:48 AM
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

redface: redface: :thumbsup:
redface: redface: redface: :thumbsup:

And all the above from Nick :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2013, 12:35:42 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:36:36 AM
Leaving glasses on the table in the pub I want to take them and put them back on the bar. redface: Old habits...
If it's a damn good pub we usually take our empty glasses back to the bar. Should I be redface: then?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 12:36:11 PM: The grave disappointment amongst the crowd when it's clear that the Catherine Wheel isn't going to spin.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2013, 12:37:03 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 12:36:11 PM
The grave disappointment amongst the crowd when it's clear that the Catherine Wheel isn't going to spin.
lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 12:37:31 PM: Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Adventure on November 11, 2013, 12:40:13 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 11, 2013, 12:32:09 PM
Quote from: boogs on November 11, 2013, 11:38:00 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:33:48 AM
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

redface: redface: :thumbsup:
redface: redface: redface: :thumbsup:

And all the above from Nick :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Or: Creeping around the supermarket to avoid all the people that you've fallen out with in the first place redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 11, 2013, 12:46:30 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 12:36:11 PM
The grave disappointment amongst the crowd when it's clear that the Catherine Wheel isn't going to spin.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 11, 2013, 12:50:00 PM: Asking a stranger for directions and they tell you turn left even though you KNOW that you turn right, but turning left anyway and walking in the wrong direction until they are out of sight.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2013, 12:50:30 PM: Saying hello to someone you haven't seen for a long time and then realising they just looked like them

Not saying hello in Tescos to someone you haven't met in a long time and realising they recognised you

Talking to someone you've met again in Tescos and pretending you're not looking in their trolley to see what they buy
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 11, 2013, 04:04:07 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:19:30 AM
Telling the person on the other end of the telephone that you have a pen, regardless of your complete lack of pen. redface: redface:

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 11, 2013, 05:15:31 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 11, 2013, 04:04:07 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on November 11, 2013, 11:19:30 AM
Telling the person on the other end of the telephone that you have a pen, regardless of your complete lack of pen. redface: redface:

redface: redface: redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 09:15:47 PM: Jimmy Carr best comeback (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFktLjdHjno#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 12, 2013, 09:22:51 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 09:15:47 PM
Jimmy Carr best comeback (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFktLjdHjno#)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 12, 2013, 10:12:27 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 09:15:47 PM
Jimmy Carr best comeback (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFktLjdHjno#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM: Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 12, 2013, 10:27:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM
Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 12, 2013, 10:35:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM
Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 12, 2013, 10:57:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM
Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 12, 2013, 11:01:03 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 12, 2013, 10:35:28 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM
Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2013, 05:18:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 12, 2013, 10:20:54 PM
Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as two Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos

lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 13, 2013, 11:10:14 AM: David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 13, 2013, 11:17:32 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 13, 2013, 11:10:14 AM
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2013, 11:52:09 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 13, 2013, 11:10:14 AM
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says, "OK give me a clue?"

Beckham says, "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

Driver replies, "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:36:00 PM: My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing lovein ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 17, 2013, 11:36:57 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:36:00 PM
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing lovein ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before...

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:37:24 PM: Mars Bar Method

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:40:13 PM: Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er .. mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 17, 2013, 11:49:51 PM: Quote from: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:37:24 PM
Mars Bar Method

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:59:59 PM: A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"Government"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 18, 2013, 12:08:48 AM: How old are your eyes?

The Eye Test

Can you find the B's (there are 2 B's)
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Once you've found the B's
Find the 1
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Once you found the 1 Find the 6

9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999699999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6... Find the N (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Once you've found the N... Find the Q..

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I have to admit to struggling with the 6 but it is late redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 18, 2013, 01:42:45 AM: The Daily Mail hates me cloud9:

http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2013, 05:01:51 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on November 18, 2013, 01:42:45 AM
The Daily Mail hates me cloud9:

http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/)

AFFS whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 18, 2013, 07:06:05 AM: Quote from: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:37:24 PM
Mars Bar Method

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 18, 2013, 09:36:25 AM: Quote from: Baldy on November 18, 2013, 07:06:05 AM
Quote from: boogs on November 17, 2013, 11:37:24 PM
Mars Bar Method

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.

lol: lol: lol:

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 18, 2013, 10:55:41 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on November 18, 2013, 01:42:45 AM
The Daily Mail hates me cloud9:

http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/ (http://toys.usvsth3m.com/are-you-hated-by-the-daily-mail/)

::) ::) boys
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2013, 08:09:14 PM: Here or the commons....... rubschin:

Attention all 15 year olds.

I regret to inform you that you're too young to; drink, smoke, gamble, watch scary movies or play first person shooting games, but I would like to welcome you all to a gangbang after school tomorrow.

Protection is optional, but no video cameras, as you are too young for porn.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2013, 08:12:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2013, 08:09:14 PM
Here or the commons....... rubschin:

Attention all 15 year olds.

I regret to inform you that you're too young to; drink, smoke, gamble, watch scary movies or play first person shooting games, but I would like to welcome you all to a gangbang after school tomorrow.

Protection is optional, but no video cameras, as you are too young for porn.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 18, 2013, 08:27:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2013, 08:09:14 PM
Here or the commons....... rubschin:

Attention all 15 year olds.

I regret to inform you that you're too young to; drink, smoke, gamble, watch scary movies or play first person shooting games, but I would like to welcome you all to a gangbang after school tomorrow.

Protection is optional, but no video cameras, as you are too young for porn.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 18, 2013, 08:30:13 PM: Homeland scared2: There are some nasty men's out there scared2: scared2: Still Saul stuck one on him ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 19, 2013, 05:07:55 AM: I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2013, 05:23:15 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 19, 2013, 05:07:55 AM
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2013, 06:11:02 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 19, 2013, 05:07:55 AM
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 19, 2013, 08:15:39 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 19, 2013, 05:07:55 AM
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM: My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2013, 02:48:04 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM
My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 21, 2013, 04:21:44 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM
My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 21, 2013, 04:22:51 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM
My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 22, 2013, 07:33:43 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM
My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Landlady on November 22, 2013, 03:50:36 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2013, 01:39:51 PM
My wife thinks its really sweet Joey Essex can't tell the time.

But if I'm 5 minutes late from the pub I'm a cunt.

Bad language TMR but have to admit it did actually make me laugh out loud ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 23, 2013, 01:34:36 PM: A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 23, 2013, 01:35:37 PM: I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 23, 2013, 01:42:48 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:34:36 PM
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 23, 2013, 01:43:23 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:35:37 PM
I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2013, 02:33:07 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:34:36 PM
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2013, 02:33:44 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:35:37 PM
I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 24, 2013, 08:32:37 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:35:37 PM
I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 24, 2013, 05:47:46 PM: A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf,
so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scottish Jew : Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same .

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scottish Jew : Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scottish Jew : Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 24, 2013, 11:54:20 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 24, 2013, 05:47:46 PM

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Actually if you join a golf club you probably are a complete prick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 24, 2013, 11:56:10 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 24, 2013, 11:54:20 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on November 24, 2013, 05:47:46 PM

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Actually if you join a golf club you probably are a complete prick.

eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2013, 04:50:35 PM: What's 10 inches long, hard as steel and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?

A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2013, 05:00:45 PM: A 15-year-old boy shot dead on a farm in Cumbria was 'popular', his school has said...........

Obviously not that popular....................... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2013, 06:52:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 25, 2013, 04:50:35 PM
What's 10 inches long, hard as steel and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?

A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2013, 06:53:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 25, 2013, 05:00:45 PM
A 15-year-old boy shot dead on a farm in Cumbria was 'popular', his school has said...........

Obviously not that popular....................... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 26, 2013, 01:18:12 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 25, 2013, 06:52:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 25, 2013, 04:50:35 PM
What's 10 inches long, hard as steel and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?

A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently............

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 26, 2013, 01:19:11 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 23, 2013, 02:33:07 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 23, 2013, 01:34:36 PM
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 27, 2013, 07:30:36 AM: A bloke walks into the toilets an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's trousers, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his prick, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy prick as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his trousers.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your prick?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2013, 07:32:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 27, 2013, 07:30:36 AM
A bloke walks into the toilets an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's trousers, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his prick, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy prick as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his trousers.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your prick?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 02, 2013, 06:01:30 PM: Amazon has announced that is has been testing drones for deliveries.....

However initial tests in Glasgow have met with mixed results........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 02, 2013, 10:48:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 02, 2013, 06:01:30 PM
Amazon has announced that is has been testing drones for deliveries.....

However initial tests in Glasgow have met with mixed results........ rubschin:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2013, 07:23:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 02, 2013, 06:01:30 PM
Amazon has announced that is has been testing drones for deliveries.....

However initial tests in Glasgow have met with mixed results........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:00:30 PM: I surprised my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box. I don’t know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact I knew where she lived !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 03, 2013, 11:01:22 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:00:30 PM
I surprised my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box. I don’t know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact I knew where she lived !

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:01:44 PM: My gilfriend was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 03, 2013, 11:02:54 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:01:44 PM
My gilfriend was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either......

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 04, 2013, 12:12:38 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:00:30 PM
I surprised my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box. I don’t know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact I knew where she lived !

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 04, 2013, 12:13:19 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:01:44 PM
My gilfriend was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2013, 05:44:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:01:44 PM
My gilfriend was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either......

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 04, 2013, 09:15:59 PM: It was Christmas eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,"Where are you?",
In a calm voice, he replied, "darling remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford, and I said one day I would get it for you?", her eyes filled with tears, "yes I remember" she said.

"Well I'm in the pub next door to that." lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2013, 09:21:10 PM: happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 04, 2013, 09:22:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 04, 2013, 09:15:59 PM
It was Christmas eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,"Where are you?",
In a calm voice, he replied, "darling remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford, and I said one day I would get it for you?", her eyes filled with tears, "yes I remember" she said.

"Well I'm in the pub next door to that." lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 05, 2013, 04:20:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 04, 2013, 09:15:59 PM
It was Christmas eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,"Where are you?",
In a calm voice, he replied, "darling remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford, and I said one day I would get it for you?", her eyes filled with tears, "yes I remember" she said.

"Well I'm in the pub next door to that." lol:

lol: lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2013, 06:16:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 04, 2013, 09:15:59 PM
It was Christmas eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,"Where are you?",
In a calm voice, he replied, "darling remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford, and I said one day I would get it for you?", her eyes filled with tears, "yes I remember" she said.

"Well I'm in the pub next door to that." lol:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 08, 2013, 07:45:28 PM: Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves & trims, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2013, 07:58:26 PM: Quote from: Baldy on December 08, 2013, 07:45:28 PM
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves & trims, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:06:57 AM: A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:09:50 AM: A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2013, 07:21:42 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:06:57 AM
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2013, 07:22:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:09:50 AM
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on December 09, 2013, 09:15:32 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:09:50 AM
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on December 09, 2013, 09:16:14 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:06:57 AM
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 09, 2013, 09:25:05 AM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 09, 2013, 10:58:12 AM: catching up mode redface:

Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:00:30 PM
I surprised my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box. I don’t know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact I knew where she lived !

happy002

Quote from: Just One More on December 03, 2013, 11:01:44 PM
My gilfriend was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either......

happy002

Quote from: Just One More on December 04, 2013, 09:15:59 PM
It was Christmas eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,"Where are you?",
In a calm voice, he replied, "darling remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace, that we could not afford, and I said one day I would get it for you?", her eyes filled with tears, "yes I remember" she said.

"Well I'm in the pub next door to that." lol:
happy002 happy002

Quote from: Baldy on December 08, 2013, 07:45:28 PM
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves & trims, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
happy001 happy001 happy001

Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:06:57 AM
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
happy002 happy002

Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:09:50 AM
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
lol: lol: lol:

worthy: JOM and Baldy
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 09, 2013, 11:10:19 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:06:57 AM
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 09, 2013, 11:11:20 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 07:09:50 AM
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 09, 2013, 12:05:56 PM: Michael Barrymore said its great news that Tom Daley is gay, he said its great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2013, 12:13:43 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 09, 2013, 12:05:56 PM
Michael Barrymore said its great news that Tom Daley is gay, he said its great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 09, 2013, 12:31:21 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 09, 2013, 12:05:56 PM
Michael Barrymore said its great news that Tom Daley is gay, he said its great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on December 09, 2013, 12:32:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 09, 2013, 12:13:43 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 09, 2013, 12:05:56 PM
Michael Barrymore said its great news that Tom Daley is gay, he said its great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.

happy001

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 09, 2013, 08:06:24 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 11, 2013, 08:57:54 PM: there was competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse wins..................

So BM entered himself.............. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 12, 2013, 06:48:23 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 11, 2013, 08:57:54 PM
there was competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse wins..................

So BM entered himself.............. noooo:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 12, 2013, 11:57:52 AM: http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/ (http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 12, 2013, 05:31:45 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 12, 2013, 11:57:52 AM
http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/ (http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/) razz:

How lovely.... sad24:

WestJet Christmas Miracle: real-time giving (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIEIvi2MuEk#ws)

I bet those lazy fuckers at Gatwick don't do anything like that..... noooo:

And I bet the guy that asked for socks and underwear feels as sick as a parrot! point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 12, 2013, 06:43:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 12, 2013, 05:31:45 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 12, 2013, 11:57:52 AM
http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/ (http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/) razz:

How lovely.... sad24:

WestJet Christmas Miracle: real-time giving (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIEIvi2MuEk#ws)

I bet those lazy fuckers at Gatwick don't do anything like that..... noooo:

And I bet the guy that asked for socks and underwear feels as sick as a parrot! point:

I think you'll find it was the airline, not the airport. ..

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 12, 2013, 06:58:04 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 12, 2013, 06:43:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 12, 2013, 05:31:45 PM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 12, 2013, 11:57:52 AM
http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/ (http://unlooker.com/airline-pulls-amazing-christmas-stunt-passengers/) razz:

How lovely.... sad24:

WestJet Christmas Miracle: real-time giving (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIEIvi2MuEk#ws)

I bet those lazy fuckers at Gatwick don't do anything like that..... noooo:

And I bet the guy that asked for socks and underwear feels as sick as a parrot! point:

I think you'll find it was the airline, not the airport. ..

;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 12, 2013, 07:09:29 PM: Those tiny boots noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 12, 2013, 10:36:35 PM: Sad news at the Nestle Chocolate Factory today. A Pakistani was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted:- "The milky bars are on me." Everyone just cheered.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 12, 2013, 10:43:16 PM: My wife says I should grow up...........

I hope Santa brings her fvck all this Christmas..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 13, 2013, 04:56:22 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2013, 10:36:35 PM
Sad news at the Nestle Chocolate Factory today. A Pakistani was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted:- "The milky bars are on me." Everyone just cheered.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 13, 2013, 04:56:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 12, 2013, 10:43:16 PM
My wife says I should grow up...........

I hope Santa brings her fvck all this Christmas..........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2013, 08:08:51 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2013, 10:36:35 PM
Sad news at the Nestle Chocolate Factory today. A Pakistani was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted:- "The milky bars are on me." Everyone just cheered.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on December 14, 2013, 05:46:23 PM: Just been sent a load of Christmas stuff

Santa Pick-Up Lines

1. Hey babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I've got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good - so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries... (wink, wink)
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)
8. I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. What's a nice girl like you doing on a naughty list like this?
10. The whip ain't just for the reindeer, sweetcheeks.
11. Bet I can make you a believer again.
12. You know, I only come once a year, and I'd hate to waste it on an unconscious Britney like last year.
13. How'd you like to get all harnessed-up, you little Vixen?
14. Whattaya say, babe -- you, me, a rooftop and a nice chilled bottle of 2% lowfat?
15. Ho, ho, ho -- ho!
16. Come sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want. Then you can sit on Santa's face and give him what *he* wants.
17. Wanna feel the Christmas spirit inside you?
18. My 'bowl full of jelly'? It's that K-Y warming stuff.
19. Who's your daddy? That's right: Father Christmas!
20. You know, after staring at reindeer butt all night, yours looks especially appealing.
21. Honey, you could even say it glows.
22. Big Daddy Claus da the house! Now your stockings aren't the only things by the chimney that are hung!
23. Forget the cookies and milk. Can I have a go at your cupcakes?
24. Technically, I'm not allowed to leave your house until I've properly
stuffed *all* your stockings.
25. Wanna get sleighed?
26. Baby, I'll take you 'round-the-world tonight if I can get you into the sack.
27. Well, what do you know... there *is* a creature stirring.
28. Lady, with your smile so bright, won't you be my lay tonight?

SANTA IS INVADING YOUR TOWN

You better break out
The Bourbon and Rye
Tequila and Gin
I'm telling you why
Santa is invading your town
He sees you when you're naked
And when you're smoking pot
And when you're masturbating
Ev'n when you cop a squat,
so: You better break out
The Bourbon and Rye
Tequila and Gin
I'm telling you why
Santa is invading your town
Santa is invading your town

LET IT FLOW (tune of "Let It Snow")

The weather outside is frightful, but the beer inside's delightful.
And since we've no place to go,
Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow!
Oh we show no signs of stopping, and now we're really buzzing.
And the lights are turned way down low.
Let it Flow, Let it Flow. Let it Flow!!
When we finally drink it dry, how we hate going back to the store.
Maybe we'll all get high, and all fall asleep on the floor!!
Oh the party is slowly dying.
And our friends have all stopped buying.
Now my bladder really wants to know.
Where to go, Where to go, Where to go???

FROSTY THE COKEHEAD

Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of coke,
And no sense of self control.
There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.
Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said, and you're cold and dead,
Then you never have to score
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on December 17, 2013, 05:20:20 PM: Not strictly from the inbox but what the heck . . . .

A Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.
They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?
'It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'
Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, mate. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 19, 2013, 09:45:50 AM: Sky news headline: police believe body found in grave is Jayden's ........

Why don't they just check the fucking headstone......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 22, 2013, 07:59:17 PM: The father of convicted drug mule Melissa Reid has said that 'She'll spend her best years in jail'..............

Guess who's been watching too much lesbian porn............... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2013, 08:01:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 22, 2013, 07:59:17 PM
The father of convicted drug mule Melissa Reid has said that 'She'll spend her best years in jail'..............

Guess who's been watching too much lesbian porn............... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 22, 2013, 10:24:39 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 22, 2013, 07:59:17 PM
The father of convicted drug mule Melissa Reid has said that 'She'll spend her best years in jail'..............

Guess who's been watching too much lesbian porn............... noooo:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 24, 2013, 07:43:04 AM: Media Personage: "Mr Average, you use a food bank. Correct?"

Mr Average: "That's right. I mean, why pay for food when you can get it for free?"

MP: "But why have you started to use one now? Is it because the evil Coalition have been deliberately starving you on ideological grounds?"

MrA: "Not really. It's just that I didn't realise that there were people giving away free food until I read about them in the paper on my way to work."

MP: "And there you have it: more and more people are using food banks because the evil Coalition—cruelly limiting a household's benefits to an equivalent pre-tax income of a mere £34,000—are starving them utterly to death. On purpose. Back to you in the studio, Tom."

Tom: "Er…"

I wasn't actually sure if this should go here or in The Commons.... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2013, 03:38:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 24, 2013, 07:43:04 AM
Media Personage: "Mr Average, you use a food bank. Correct?"

Mr Average: "That's right. I mean, why pay for food when you can get it for free?"

MP: "But why have you started to use one now? Is it because the evil Coalition have been deliberately starving you on ideological grounds?"

MrA: "Not really. It's just that I didn't realise that there were people giving away free food until I read about them in the paper on my way to work."

MP: "And there you have it: more and more people are using food banks because the evil Coalition—cruelly limiting a household's benefits to an equivalent pre-tax income of a mere £34,000—are starving them utterly to death. On purpose. Back to you in the studio, Tom."

Tom: "Er…"

I wasn't actually sure if this should go here or in The Commons.... lol:
a belated :thumbsup:

I shall use that to annoy a bleeding heart elsewhere
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM: I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2013, 04:23:20 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 27, 2013, 05:13:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2013, 11:16:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........
lol: lol: lol:

Catholic staff in greengrocers refusing to sell oranges?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on December 27, 2013, 11:40:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 28, 2013, 06:27:28 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2013, 11:16:41 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........
lol: lol: lol:

Catholic staff in greengrocers refusing to sell oranges?

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 28, 2013, 07:20:33 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 28, 2013, 06:27:28 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2013, 11:16:41 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2013, 04:14:23 PM
I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol....

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?..........
lol: lol: lol:

Catholic staff in greengrocers refusing to sell oranges?

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2013, 09:24:29 AM: Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: “Is that stool taken?”

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang on…

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?” Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”

And of course we all know the two economist jokes the punchlines of which are, “first, assume we have a can opener” and the other “but who do you think created the chaos?”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 30, 2013, 09:27:29 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 30, 2013, 09:32:49 AM: We do have a 'Hat Coat' thread you know. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 30, 2013, 09:42:37 AM: Quote from: Baldy on December 30, 2013, 09:32:49 AM
We do have a 'Hat Coat' thread you know. noooo:
I think BM should have started a "Please help me understand these jokes" thread.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2013, 09:49:00 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 30, 2013, 11:35:25 AM: Well I laughed, all new ones to me

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2013, 11:38:37 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 30, 2013, 11:35:25 AM
Well I laughed, all new ones to me

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 30, 2013, 05:31:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 30, 2013, 11:38:37 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 30, 2013, 11:35:25 AM
Well I laughed, all new ones to me

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs:

What is the name for a collection of them? rubschin:

http://www.ask.com/question/what-do-you-call-a-group-of-baboons (http://www.ask.com/question/what-do-you-call-a-group-of-baboons)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 31, 2013, 09:55:14 AM: Doctors have released a statement saying they believe Michael Schumacher has 'cheated death' after his accident............

Is there nothing this man will not cheat at?......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 31, 2013, 10:11:27 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 31, 2013, 09:55:14 AM
Doctors have released a statement saying they believe Michael Schumacher has 'cheated death' after his accident............

Is there nothing this man will not cheat at?......... noooo:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2013, 10:30:25 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 31, 2013, 09:55:14 AM
Doctors have released a statement saying they believe Michael Schumacher has 'cheated death' after his accident............

Is there nothing this man will not cheat at?......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 31, 2013, 11:39:15 AM: Michael Douglas blames
His cancer on cunnilingus
Bet he wishes now
That he’d used his fingers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2013, 11:46:23 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on December 31, 2013, 11:39:15 AM
Michael Douglas blames
His cancer on cunnilingus
Bet he wishes now
That he’d used his fingers.

eeek: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2013, 12:44:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 31, 2013, 10:30:25 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 31, 2013, 09:55:14 AM
Doctors have released a statement saying they believe Michael Schumacher has 'cheated death' after his accident............

Is there nothing this man will not cheat at?......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 07, 2014, 12:18:42 AM: First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 07, 2014, 01:00:30 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 07, 2014, 12:18:42 AM
First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 07, 2014, 01:34:02 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 07, 2014, 12:18:42 AM
First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 07, 2014, 06:42:51 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 07, 2014, 12:18:42 AM
First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 07, 2014, 06:55:40 AM: happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 07, 2014, 09:54:19 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 07, 2014, 10:43:11 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 09, 2014, 05:52:40 AM: Thomas Hitzlsperger. Not the first German to be feared in the showers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 09, 2014, 06:05:07 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 05:52:40 AM
Thomas Hitzlsperger. Not the first German to be feared in the showers.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2014, 06:12:30 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 05:52:40 AM
Thomas Hitzlsperger. Not the first German to be feared in the showers.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 09, 2014, 06:38:03 AM: Mind you, it's looking a bit ominous for the rest of the world. Last time the Germans were in the news this much was 1939. scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2014, 07:15:52 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 06:38:03 AM
Mind you, it's looking a bit ominous for the rest of the world. Last time the Germans were in the news this much was 1939. scared2:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM: I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 09, 2014, 09:15:29 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM
I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 09, 2014, 11:12:39 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 09, 2014, 07:15:52 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 06:38:03 AM
Mind you, it's looking a bit ominous for the rest of the world. Last time the Germans were in the news this much was 1939. scared2:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2014, 11:21:59 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM
I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 09, 2014, 01:13:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 09, 2014, 11:21:59 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM
I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 09, 2014, 01:20:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2014, 01:13:29 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 09, 2014, 11:21:59 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM
I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

I know what you mean ....Mandela father of a nation... still fucked off for 20 odd years........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 09, 2014, 01:47:20 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2014, 01:20:48 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2014, 01:13:29 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 09, 2014, 11:21:59 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 09:13:32 AM
I heard a black guy's mother saying on the news that the Metropolitan Police had made 6 children fatherless.

Let's be honest, love. They just made it official.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

I know what you mean ....Mandela father of a nation... still fucked off for 20 odd years........ noooo:
. . . and not a penny in maintenance. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 09, 2014, 04:18:55 PM: The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2014, 04:26:22 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 04:18:55 PM
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 09, 2014, 06:29:41 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 09, 2014, 04:18:55 PM
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

lol: lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 10:59:48 PM: Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my fucking coat pocket!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 11:00:14 PM: Just wrote my suicide note out and posted it on Facebook.

It got 162 fucking likes.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 11, 2014, 11:50:44 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 10:59:48 PM
Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my fucking coat pocket!'

lol: lol: lol:

Quote from: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 11:00:14 PM
Just wrote my suicide note out and posted it on Facebook.

It got 162 fucking likes.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 12, 2014, 01:52:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 10:59:48 PM
Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my fucking coat pocket!'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2014, 05:31:47 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 10:59:48 PM
Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my fucking coat pocket!'

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2014, 05:32:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 11, 2014, 11:00:14 PM
Just wrote my suicide note out and posted it on Facebook.

It got 162 fucking likes.

163 now.... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2014, 12:14:31 PM: My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.....

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2014, 12:15:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2014, 12:14:31 PM
My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.....

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."........
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2014, 12:31:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2014, 12:14:31 PM
My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.....

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 13, 2014, 04:10:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2014, 12:14:31 PM
My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.....

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an estate agents."........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2014, 06:08:13 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2014, 02:05:55 PM: (Search engine says not an Affs)

Travel

Hello to all,

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have not been in Continent, and I don't remember what country it is in. It is an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2014, 03:24:45 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 23, 2014, 03:32:49 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2014, 02:05:55 PM
(Search engine says not an Affs)

Travel

Hello to all,

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have not been in Continent, and I don't remember what country it is in. It is an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 23, 2014, 04:30:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2014, 02:05:55 PM
(Search engine says not an Affs)

Travel

Hello to all,

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have not been in Continent, and I don't remember what country it is in. It is an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 23, 2014, 10:15:35 PM: Quote from: Baldy on January 23, 2014, 04:30:40 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2014, 02:05:55 PM
(Search engine says not an Affs)

Travel

Hello to all,

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have not been in Continent, and I don't remember what country it is in. It is an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:27:48 PM: I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today, "It was only last week that I had it all", he said "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head".

"What happened?" I replied "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2014, 06:29:03 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:27:48 PM
I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today, "It was only last week that I had it all", he said "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head".

"What happened?" I replied "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 24, 2014, 07:30:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 24, 2014, 06:29:03 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:27:48 PM
I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today, "It was only last week that I had it all", he said "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head".

"What happened?" I replied "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 24, 2014, 11:36:22 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 24, 2014, 06:27:48 PM
I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today, "It was only last week that I had it all", he said "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head".

"What happened?" I replied "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

"No, I was let out of prison."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 25, 2014, 08:49:22 PM: Tenants super..........

The choice of the homeless......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 07:54:47 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 25, 2014, 08:49:22 PM
Tenants super..........

The choice of the homeless......... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 08:56:41 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 25, 2014, 08:49:22 PM
Tenants super..........

The choice of the homeless......... rubschin:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on January 26, 2014, 09:24:27 AM: My ex MIL drank that stuff by the gallon whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2014, 10:07:59 AM: Quote from: boogs on January 26, 2014, 09:24:27 AM
My ex MIL drank that stuff by the gallon whistle:
Never go over the shock of her poor wee boy getting merrit tae Boogs? ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 10:12:35 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2014, 10:07:59 AM
Quote from: boogs on January 26, 2014, 09:24:27 AM
My ex MIL drank that stuff by the gallon whistle:
Never go over the shock of her poor wee boy getting merrit tae Boogs? ;)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:12:34 PM: Got the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday, thought I would spoil her

The feckin Hoover works a treat now
Title: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:13:40 PM: Some bastard's just pinched a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line. She said she's not bothered about the knickers, she just wants the 22 pegs back!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:14:44 PM: What happened there rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:15:31 PM: You know you're getting old when you're watching the Babe station on TV and theres this gorgeous bit of stuff wearing a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively and her tiny skirt rides up to expose her pert little arse and a little strip of black material barely covering her crack, and all you can think is:

"We used to have a hoover like that one"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:16:01 PM: I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess, smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said, "sometimes we do let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 12:26:26 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:13:40 PM
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line. She said she's not bothered about the knickers, she just wants the 22 pegs back!
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 12:27:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:16:01 PM
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess, smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said, "sometimes we do let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 12:29:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:15:31 PM
You know you're getting old when you're watching the Babe station on TV and theres this gorgeous bit of stuff wearing a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively and her tiny skirt rides up to expose her pert little arse and a little strip of black material barely covering her crack, and all you can think is:

"We used to have a hoover like that one"
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 12:30:09 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:12:34 PM
Got the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday, thought I would spoil her

The feckin Hoover works a treat now
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 26, 2014, 02:00:46 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 02:33:24 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 02:35:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:14:44 PM
What happened there rubschin:

Where...? Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 02:35:46 PM: OIC there are two of them! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 02:37:26 PM: I merged them! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:16:37 PM: You is a I.T guru :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:18:42 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:16:37 PM
You is a I.T guru :thumbsup:

Never seen that happen before.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM: I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 03:42:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin: . . .

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 05:59:47 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:12:34 PM
Got the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday, thought I would spoil her

The feckin Hoover works a treat now

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:00:36 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:13:40 PM
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line. She said she's not bothered about the knickers, she just wants the 22 pegs back!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:01:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 12:16:01 PM
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess, smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said, "sometimes we do let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied.

lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:03:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)

Should this boring shite not be in the compewter room thread thingy like? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:12:04 PM: Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:03:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)

Should this boring shite not be in the compewter room thread thingy like? rubschin:

No, cos it is an joke.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:14:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:03:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)

Should this boring shite not be in the compewter room thread thingy like? rubschin:

No, cos it is an joke.... evil:

Should I laff then? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:16:42 PM: Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:14:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:03:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)

Should this boring shite not be in the compewter room thread thingy like? rubschin:

No, cos it is an joke.... evil:

Should I laff then? rubschin:

Yes! Thumbs:

Start now.... I'll tell you when to stop like.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:19:41 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:16:42 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:14:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:03:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2014, 03:22:37 PM
I hit reply as I normally do, copied the text into the correct box, when I hit "post", it wouldn't let me post, said there was nothing in the subject box (it should have said, "Re: Fresh from the Inbox), soI typed in "Fresh from the Inbox" and it allowed the post to go, but created a different thread for it

Not one for gay Colin or whoever to worry about

Sounding more and more like a PICNIC error to me..... rubschin:

We don't have Colin any more.... we have Liroy....

I have to say, I'm still very impressed with them.... cloud9:

I took on another web site and transferred it to Gray with no issues at all....

...then I tried to cancel the services at the old host 123-reg.... it is impossible! The services are all set to auto-renew and you can't change it.... you can't change the payment method without adding another....

I raised a support ticket requesting that they cancel all services immediately, they replied that I had to telephone 'Customer Services' on their 0845 number...

I said I'm not calling you from Cyprus, just cancel the blasted thing, the web site is no longer there and the domain name has moved.... I am clearly not using or requiring any of your services.... Banghead

I posted all this here by the way as it is a complete joke.... ::)

Should this boring shite not be in the compewter room thread thingy like? rubschin:

No, cos it is an joke.... evil:

Should I laff then? rubschin:

Yes! Thumbs:

Start now.... I'll tell you when to stop like.... whistle:

I will try. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2014, 06:20:51 PM: The PICNIC bit was funny

Rest was a bit like readers moans in Computer Weekly
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 26, 2014, 06:25:49 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2014, 06:20:51 PM
The PICNIC bit was funny

Rest was a bit like readers moans in Computer Weekly

Thumbs: BM has that in his secret file for when LL is away. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 31, 2014, 09:55:22 PM: A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers

when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught
stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even
though their hands are actually black."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2014, 05:21:54 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2014, 09:55:22 PM
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers

when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught
stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even
though their hands are actually black."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 01, 2014, 08:32:22 AM: Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2014, 09:55:22 PM
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers

when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught
stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even
though their hands are actually black."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2014, 01:37:54 PM: Quote from: boogs on February 01, 2014, 08:32:22 AM
Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2014, 09:55:22 PM
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers

when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught
stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even
though their hands are actually black."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2014, 01:59:06 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2014, 01:37:54 PM
Quote from: boogs on February 01, 2014, 08:32:22 AM
Quote from: Baldy on January 31, 2014, 09:55:22 PM
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers

when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught
stealing something, they say that they've been caught 'red-handed', even
though their hands are actually black."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

Cool Hand Luke would have liked that one! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 02, 2014, 12:16:53 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs29.postimg.org%2Fy2hdq9tub%2Fimage.jpg&hash=8f71e6735c49c6bc57538fb0e458a5f865f2c8d8) (http://postimg.org/image/y2hdq9tub/)

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?

'The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 02, 2014, 12:19:49 PM: THIS GUY SAYS HE DESERVES GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE ....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Ft6t3trb6l%2Fimage.jpg&hash=7bb90e5a2079e1585697808fc97e88ce2ac1659c) (http://postimg.org/image/t6t3trb6l/)

BECAUSE HE SAYS HE CAN'T GET A JOB ...

NO SHIT SHERLOCK .............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 02, 2014, 01:28:16 PM: ^^^ Mobile clothes rail in Burtons, you could hang your shirts etc on him while checking out other stuff :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 02, 2014, 02:28:59 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 02, 2014, 12:19:49 PM
THIS GUY SAYS HE DESERVES GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE ....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Ft6t3trb6l%2Fimage.jpg&hash=7bb90e5a2079e1585697808fc97e88ce2ac1659c) (http://postimg.org/image/t6t3trb6l/)

BECAUSE HE SAYS HE CAN'T GET A JOB ...

NO SHIT SHERLOCK .............

I suppose Circus freakshows are out of fashion now ::) noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2014, 06:33:48 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 02, 2014, 01:28:16 PM
^^^ Mobile clothes rail in Burtons, you could hang your shirts etc on him while checking out other stuff :thumbsup:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2014, 06:34:12 AM: Quote from: boogs on February 02, 2014, 02:28:59 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 02, 2014, 12:19:49 PM
THIS GUY SAYS HE DESERVES GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE ....

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs14.postimg.org%2Ft6t3trb6l%2Fimage.jpg&hash=7bb90e5a2079e1585697808fc97e88ce2ac1659c) (http://postimg.org/image/t6t3trb6l/)

BECAUSE HE SAYS HE CAN'T GET A JOB ...

NO SHIT SHERLOCK .............

I suppose Circus freakshows are out of fashion now ::) noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 06, 2014, 05:02:50 PM: "You can't win anything with kids" - Alan Hansen speaking in 1995....

"Up yours Alan" - William Roache 2014...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 06, 2014, 09:32:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 06, 2014, 05:02:50 PM
"You can't win anything with kids" - Alan Hansen speaking in 1995....

"Up yours Alan" - William Roache 2014...........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:51:00 PM: I think pregnancy testing kits are brilliant.

I wish more of the important questions in the world could be answered just by pissing on them. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:53:30 PM: Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Day Meal Deal for one this year.

It's a 9" Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 09, 2014, 03:04:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 06, 2014, 05:02:50 PM
"You can't win anything with kids" - Alan Hansen speaking in 1995....

"Up yours Alan" - William Roache 2014...........

lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 09, 2014, 03:05:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:53:30 PM
Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Day Meal Deal for one this year.

It's a 9" Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal

lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2014, 03:57:43 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:51:00 PM
I think pregnancy testing kits are brilliant.

I wish more of the important questions in the world could be answered just by pissing on them. :thumbsup:

smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 06:41:16 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:51:00 PM
I think pregnancy testing kits are brilliant.

I wish more of the important questions in the world could be answered just by pissing on them. :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 07:03:59 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:53:30 PM
Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Day Meal Deal for one this year.

It's a 9" Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Flm523pqdj%2Fa5d_GVVO_460s.jpg&hash=71a464078382119eb5a9fe43bd54443c9eba9df7) (http://postimg.org/image/lm523pqdj/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM: ;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 07:13:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

Thumbs: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2014, 07:29:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

happy001

LL now regrets asking me what I was laughing at.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 09, 2014, 07:30:11 PM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:40:12 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 09, 2014, 07:29:08 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

happy001

LL now regrets asking me what I was laughing at.......

That was lucky ...I was gonna adapt it to you......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2014, 07:43:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:40:12 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 09, 2014, 07:29:08 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

happy001

LL now regrets asking me what I was laughing at.......

That was lucky ...I was gonna adapt it to you......... redface:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 08:23:39 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2014, 09:37:53 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 06:41:16 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 09, 2014, 01:51:00 PM
I think pregnancy testing kits are brilliant.

I wish more of the important questions in the world could be answered just by pissing on them. :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2014, 09:42:02 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 07:03:59 PM
. .
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Flm523pqdj%2Fa5d_GVVO_460s.jpg&hash=71a464078382119eb5a9fe43bd54443c9eba9df7) (http://postimg.org/image/lm523pqdj/)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2014, 09:44:27 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 09, 2014, 07:13:19 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

Thumbs: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 10, 2014, 04:46:08 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2014, 07:07:52 PM
;D ;D

I asked the wife what she wants for Valentines Day. She said, "I'll give you a clue. Ex-England goalie."

She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman....... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2014, 06:30:26 AM: To all my fat ugly friends who will be alone on Valentine's day it will soon be pancake day !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 10, 2014, 07:20:11 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 10, 2014, 06:30:26 AM
To all my fat ugly friends who will be alone on Valentine's day it will soon be pancake day !

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2014, 08:03:23 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 10, 2014, 06:30:26 AM
To all my fat ugly friends who will be alone on Valentine's day it will soon be pancake day !

cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 10, 2014, 08:38:14 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 10, 2014, 06:30:26 AM
To all my fat ugly friends who will be alone on Valentine's day it will soon be pancake day !

cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 11, 2014, 06:46:01 AM: The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.

As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up. Tickets are optional.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 11, 2014, 06:51:02 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 11, 2014, 06:46:01 AM
The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.

As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up. Tickets are optional.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 11, 2014, 06:57:50 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 11, 2014, 06:51:02 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 11, 2014, 06:46:01 AM
The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.

As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up. Tickets are optional.

lol: lol: lol:

put that on cl Baldy.... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 11, 2014, 07:08:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 11, 2014, 06:57:50 AM
Quote from: Baldy on February 11, 2014, 06:51:02 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 11, 2014, 06:46:01 AM
The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.

As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up. Tickets are optional.

lol: lol: lol:

put that on cl Baldy.... Thumbs:

...as long as you get on the microphone and tell it in Mike's Black Velvet Bar the next time Liverpool play. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2014, 12:48:43 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 11, 2014, 06:46:01 AM
The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.

As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up. Tickets are optional.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2014, 05:47:28 PM: Miss Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest half turned to the altar boy and whispered out the side of his mouth, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2014, 05:49:22 PM: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 12, 2014, 05:49:57 PM: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 13, 2014, 02:33:57 AM: Not sure if it is an AFFS.

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says ...'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign ....

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2014, 05:23:15 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 13, 2014, 02:33:57 AM
Not sure if it is an AFFS.

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says ...'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign ....

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 13, 2014, 06:18:44 PM: A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2014, 06:29:50 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 13, 2014, 06:18:44 PM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2014, 06:40:19 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 13, 2014, 06:18:44 PM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2014, 09:23:14 PM: Ever since Live Aid in 1985, Britain has gifted millions of pounds worth of aid to Ethiopia.....

So a few bags of your sand would be nice........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2014, 05:23:23 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2014, 09:23:14 PM
Ever since Live Aid in 1985, Britain has gifted millions of pounds worth of aid to Ethiopia.....

So a few bags of your sand would be nice........ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 14, 2014, 09:44:31 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2014, 09:23:14 PM
Ever since Live Aid in 1985, Britain has gifted millions of pounds worth of aid to Ethiopia.....

So a few bags of your sand would be nice........ Thumbs:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 20, 2014, 08:00:29 AM: I was in a bad car accident last week and police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate what happened.

So far they have worked out that the other driver was more scared than me.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 20, 2014, 08:22:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 20, 2014, 08:00:29 AM
I was in a bad car accident last week and police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate what happened.

So far they have worked out that the other driver was more scared than me.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 20, 2014, 10:52:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 20, 2014, 08:00:29 AM
I was in a bad car accident last week and police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate what happened.

So far they have worked out that the other driver was more scared than me.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 20, 2014, 11:52:58 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 20, 2014, 08:22:34 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 20, 2014, 08:00:29 AM
I was in a bad car accident last week and police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate what happened.

So far they have worked out that the other driver was more scared than me.

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 20, 2014, 12:15:50 PM: This may be an Affs but more importantly I have alibis

As received by Mrs K:
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mrs

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr., are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out

_________________________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 20, 2014, 01:50:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 20, 2014, 12:15:50 PM
This may be an Affs but more importantly I have alibis

As received by Mrs K:
___________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mrs

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr., are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out

_________________________________________________________________________
Better than many. :thumbsup: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 20, 2014, 04:28:18 PM: Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked.

"Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward,

ALL THE FRENCH ARMY OFFICERS WEAR BROWN TROUSERS
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 10:53:13 AM: rubschin:

Beware (http://niklowe.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/beware.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2014, 10:57:16 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 10:53:13 AM

rubschin:

Beware (http://niklowe.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/beware.html)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2014, 11:35:55 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2014, 10:57:16 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 10:53:13 AM

rubschin:

Beware (http://niklowe.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/beware.html)

rubschin:
Has an Affish whiff about it?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 25, 2014, 11:48:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 25, 2014, 11:35:55 AM

Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2014, 10:57:16 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 10:53:13 AM

rubschin:

Beware (http://niklowe.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/beware.html)

rubschin:
Has an Affish whiff about it?

Yep, I thought it was an AFFS. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 12:31:23 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 25, 2014, 11:48:50 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 25, 2014, 11:35:55 AM

Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2014, 10:57:16 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2014, 10:53:13 AM

rubschin:

Beware (http://niklowe.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/beware.html)

rubschin:
Has an Affish whiff about it?

Yep, I thought it was an AFFS. Thumbs:

Well if it is, at least one VP member had completely forgotten it. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 25, 2014, 06:12:35 PM: My Mrs made me go to the doctors to sort out my erection issues.

She was seriously pissed off when I came back and gave her slimming pills!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2014, 06:52:19 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 25, 2014, 06:12:35 PM
My Mrs made me go to the doctors to sort out my erection issues.

She was seriously pissed off when I came back and gave her slimming pills!

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2014, 07:23:28 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 25, 2014, 06:12:35 PM
My Mrs made me go to the doctors to sort out my erection issues.

She was seriously pissed off when I came back and gave her slimming pills!

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 06, 2014, 10:24:33 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2Fbiey3pzz1%2Fimage.jpg&hash=a0a6b92b395b09c5ad67bb411293f760fdf3b07d) (http://postimg.org/image/biey3pzz1/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 06, 2014, 10:25:48 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fywggq5cf5%2Fimage.jpg&hash=23ea1402d39c8f4c732ac1823d80982094aa9e5d) (http://postimg.org/image/ywggq5cf5/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2014, 11:25:25 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 06, 2014, 10:24:33 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2Fbiey3pzz1%2Fimage.jpg&hash=a0a6b92b395b09c5ad67bb411293f760fdf3b07d) (http://postimg.org/image/biey3pzz1/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 06, 2014, 07:35:45 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on March 06, 2014, 10:25:48 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fywggq5cf5%2Fimage.jpg&hash=23ea1402d39c8f4c732ac1823d80982094aa9e5d) (http://postimg.org/image/ywggq5cf5/)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on March 07, 2014, 05:35:21 PM: (https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/l/t1/1798514_10152092564165777_2073825680_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2014, 05:36:16 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 07, 2014, 05:35:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/l/t1/1798514_10152092564165777_2073825680_n.jpg)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 07, 2014, 05:36:44 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 07, 2014, 05:35:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/l/t1/1798514_10152092564165777_2073825680_n.jpg)

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2014, 05:42:22 PM: Quote from: Pastis on March 07, 2014, 05:35:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/l/t1/1798514_10152092564165777_2073825680_n.jpg)

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 07, 2014, 06:04:27 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 07, 2014, 10:37:54 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 08:54:43 AM: It's international women's day today.

Was meant to be yesterday, but they took too long getting ready.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 09, 2014, 08:55:42 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2014, 09:00:50 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 08:54:43 AM
It's international women's day today.

Was meant to be yesterday, but they took too long getting ready.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 09, 2014, 09:03:59 AM: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2014, 09:10:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 08:54:43 AM
It's international women's day today.

Was meant to be yesterday, but they took too long getting ready.

Apey has nicked it..... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 09:14:47 AM: And Nick :thumbsup:

(So did I redface: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 09, 2014, 09:20:27 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 09:14:47 AM
And Nick :thumbsup:

(So did I redface: )

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2014, 10:25:40 AM: Power of t'internet ... Perth, Australia to me, to Nottingham and Cyprus and god knows where else, all in a couple of minutes :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 10, 2014, 10:34:11 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fp0c64x82v%2Frock.jpg&hash=68c7bd2b9c246995ff3ac49b55a687105c9d7ce5) (http://postimg.org/image/p0c64x82v/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2014, 10:39:30 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 10, 2014, 10:34:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fp0c64x82v%2Frock.jpg&hash=68c7bd2b9c246995ff3ac49b55a687105c9d7ce5) (http://postimg.org/image/p0c64x82v/)
rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2014, 10:41:33 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2014, 10:39:30 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 10, 2014, 10:34:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fp0c64x82v%2Frock.jpg&hash=68c7bd2b9c246995ff3ac49b55a687105c9d7ce5) (http://postimg.org/image/p0c64x82v/)
rubschin:
lol: lol:

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2014, 12:02:18 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 10, 2014, 10:34:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fp0c64x82v%2Frock.jpg&hash=68c7bd2b9c246995ff3ac49b55a687105c9d7ce5) (http://postimg.org/image/p0c64x82v/)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2014, 07:24:18 PM: BBC News: Malaysia ships to investigate 'Yellow object' spotted floating in Vietnamese waters............

Slightly racist, I think................. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2014, 07:54:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 10, 2014, 07:24:18 PM
BBC News: Malaysia ships to investigate 'Yellow object' spotted floating in Vietnamese waters............

Slightly racist, I think................. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 11, 2014, 02:06:20 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 10, 2014, 07:24:18 PM
BBC News: Malaysia ships to investigate 'Yellow object' spotted floating in Vietnamese waters............

Slightly racist, I think................. noooo:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 13, 2014, 08:23:07 PM: I could be wrong but something tells me the wife doesn't like this bike rubschin:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Triumph-Rocket-III-Roadster-Supercharged-Intercooled-300-BHP-/390791613098?pt=UK_Motorcycles&hash=item5afcfecaaa (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Triumph-Rocket-III-Roadster-Supercharged-Intercooled-300-BHP-/390791613098?pt=UK_Motorcycles&hash=item5afcfecaaa)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 13, 2014, 10:18:41 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on March 13, 2014, 08:23:07 PM
I could be wrong but something tells me the wife doesn't like this bike rubschin:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Triumph-Rocket-III-Roadster-Supercharged-Intercooled-300-BHP-/390791613098?pt=UK_Motorcycles&hash=item5afcfecaaa (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Triumph-Rocket-III-Roadster-Supercharged-Intercooled-300-BHP-/390791613098?pt=UK_Motorcycles&hash=item5afcfecaaa)

Hoax. noooo:

Just done to get advertising......you fell for it. point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 17, 2014, 12:40:39 PM: Spotted outside Ronnie Corbett's home .....

A mounting pile of Wiltshire Farm food boxes...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2014, 02:32:39 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 17, 2014, 12:40:39 PM
Spotted outside Ronnie Corbett's home .....

A mounting pile of Wiltshire Farm food boxes...... rubschin:

I bet that's gone right over his head....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 17, 2014, 04:18:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 17, 2014, 02:32:39 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 17, 2014, 12:40:39 PM
Spotted outside Ronnie Corbett's home .....

A mounting pile of Wiltshire Farm food boxes...... rubschin:

I bet that's gone right over his head....

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 18, 2014, 06:54:31 AM: drumroll: drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 20, 2014, 05:18:52 PM: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 20, 2014, 05:21:19 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 20, 2014, 05:18:52 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html)

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 20, 2014, 06:25:15 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 20, 2014, 05:18:52 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2584503/Most-embarrassing-facebook-fails-Toe-curling-attention-seeking-status-updates-caused-family-fall-outs.html)

tunble: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 06:24:27 AM: The home phone rings and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. He's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2014, 06:48:29 AM: Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 06:24:27 AM
The home phone rings and the Misty answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. Apey's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 07:05:43 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2014, 06:48:29 AM
Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 06:24:27 AM
The home phone rings and the Misty answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. Apey's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

whistle:

Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2014, 08:28:36 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs28.postimg.org%2F6jbq8t15l%2Fbog.jpg&hash=22f919de7e08aaaa9da3ab75c42aa7588111949e) (http://postimg.org/image/6jbq8t15l/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 08:50:16 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 28, 2014, 08:28:36 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs28.postimg.org%2F6jbq8t15l%2Fbog.jpg&hash=22f919de7e08aaaa9da3ab75c42aa7588111949e) (http://postimg.org/image/6jbq8t15l/)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2014, 08:59:52 AM: Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 07:05:43 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2014, 06:48:29 AM
Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 06:24:27 AM
The home phone rings and the Misty answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. Apey's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

whistle:

Thumbs: Thumbs:

I have hair,,,, cussing: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2014, 09:10:23 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 28, 2014, 08:28:36 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs28.postimg.org%2F6jbq8t15l%2Fbog.jpg&hash=22f919de7e08aaaa9da3ab75c42aa7588111949e) (http://postimg.org/image/6jbq8t15l/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2014, 01:08:40 PM: Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 07:05:43 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2014, 06:48:29 AM
Quote from: Baldy on March 28, 2014, 06:24:27 AM
The home phone rings and the Misty answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says. “I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair.”

The woman replies. “Yes, I have. Apey's watching TV... whom shall I say is calling?”

whistle:

Thumbs: Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2014, 01:09:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2014, 09:10:23 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 28, 2014, 08:28:36 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs28.postimg.org%2F6jbq8t15l%2Fbog.jpg&hash=22f919de7e08aaaa9da3ab75c42aa7588111949e) (http://postimg.org/image/6jbq8t15l/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 29, 2014, 08:56:22 PM: The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 29, 2014, 08:58:13 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 29, 2014, 08:59:19 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 08:56:22 PM
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 29, 2014, 09:02:46 PM: "You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt" I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 29, 2014, 09:05:30 PM: Apey noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2014, 09:15:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 29, 2014, 08:59:19 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 08:56:22 PM
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2014, 09:16:25 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 09:02:46 PM
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt" I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 29, 2014, 09:18:54 PM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on March 29, 2014, 09:05:30 PM
Apey noooo:

cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 30, 2014, 07:19:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 08:56:22 PM
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 30, 2014, 07:20:05 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 09:02:46 PM
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt" I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 30, 2014, 07:27:17 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 29, 2014, 08:56:22 PM
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 01, 2014, 11:42:10 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimg.org%2Fy613u9wyh%2Fdick.jpg&hash=5a59fabd497dbc72071a728fffddae24c967a516) (http://postimg.org/image/y613u9wyh/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 01, 2014, 11:46:32 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 01, 2014, 11:42:10 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimg.org%2Fy613u9wyh%2Fdick.jpg&hash=5a59fabd497dbc72071a728fffddae24c967a516) (http://postimg.org/image/y613u9wyh/)

eeek: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 01, 2014, 11:56:26 AM: Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 01, 2014, 11:42:10 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimg.org%2Fy613u9wyh%2Fdick.jpg&hash=5a59fabd497dbc72071a728fffddae24c967a516) (http://postimg.org/image/y613u9wyh/)

eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2014, 11:17:44 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 01, 2014, 11:56:26 AM
Quote from: Nick (GC First Class) on April 01, 2014, 11:42:10 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs4.postimg.org%2Fy613u9wyh%2Fdick.jpg&hash=5a59fabd497dbc72071a728fffddae24c967a516) (http://postimg.org/image/y613u9wyh/)

eeek: eeek:
eeek: eeek: eeek:

So on that advice did the sad little jerk send her a drawing of it instead, or a 3D print?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2014, 08:17:00 AM: So, Princess Ann supports the gassing of badgers. We should all remember the last time some German loons were let loose with gas redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2014, 08:58:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 05, 2014, 08:17:00 AM
So, Princess Ann supports the gassing of badgers. We should all remember the last time some German loons were let loose with gas redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 05, 2014, 09:45:33 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 05, 2014, 08:17:00 AM
So, Princess Ann supports the gassing of badgers. We should all remember the last time some German loons were let loose with gas redface:

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 05, 2014, 06:47:57 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 05, 2014, 08:17:00 AM
So, Princess Ann supports the gassing of badgers. We should all remember the last time some German loons were let loose with gas redface:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 12:35:10 PM: The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat..............

To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt........... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2014, 12:36:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 12:35:10 PM
The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat..............

To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt........... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2014, 12:43:12 PM: An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the English man. “So we obviously decided to call him George”

“That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”

"That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 02:14:05 PM: Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried
about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick............... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2014, 02:28:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried
about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick............... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 07, 2014, 03:30:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 12:35:10 PM
The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat..............

To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt........... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 07, 2014, 03:31:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 07, 2014, 12:43:12 PM
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George’s Day,” commented the English man. “So we obviously decided to call him George”

“That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.”

"That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

Hat...coat thread. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 07, 2014, 03:32:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried
about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick............... whistle:

Might be an AFFS? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 07, 2014, 04:21:58 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 07, 2014, 03:32:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 07, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried
about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick............... whistle:

Might be an AFFS? rubschin:

Les Dawson, circa 1960.

Still works though.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 15, 2014, 01:41:20 PM: I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched,

"It's Wales , Wales, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales
from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2014, 01:44:40 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on April 15, 2014, 01:41:20 PM
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched,

"It's Wales , Wales, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales
from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2014, 03:17:15 PM: If Oscar Pistorius is convicted of murdering his girlfriend he'll probably find out what it like to be done in the shitter himself........

Ironic....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2014, 03:23:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 15, 2014, 03:17:15 PM
If Oscar Pistorius is convicted of murdering his girlfriend he'll probably find out what it like to be done in the shitter himself........

Ironic....... noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 15, 2014, 03:37:47 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 15, 2014, 03:17:15 PM
If Oscar Pistorius is convicted of murdering his girlfriend he'll probably find out what it like to be done in the shitter himself........

Ironic....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 21, 2014, 03:51:35 PM: UKIP have made enquiries about hiring David Moyes..........

His experience at getting out of Europe has piqued their interest....... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 21, 2014, 03:54:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 21, 2014, 03:51:35 PM
UKIP have made enquiries about hiring David Moyes..........

His experience at getting out of Europe has piqued their interest....... whistle:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 21, 2014, 06:00:18 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 21, 2014, 03:54:18 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 21, 2014, 03:51:35 PM
UKIP have made enquiries about hiring David Moyes..........

His experience at getting out of Europe has piqued their interest....... whistle:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 22, 2014, 10:26:22 AM: Subject: Men and Women

WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted"
me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then
walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and
our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house
went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...

Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark,
obviously, so I had to light all these candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour
to get a an erection, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept
yapping on and on about everything and nothing...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 22, 2014, 10:28:32 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 22, 2014, 10:26:22 AM
Subject: Men and Women

WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted"
me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then
walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and
our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house
went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...

Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark,
obviously, so I had to light all these candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour
to get a an erection, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept
yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2014, 10:32:08 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 22, 2014, 10:26:22 AM
Subject: Men and Women

WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted"
me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then
walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and
our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house
went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...

Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark,
obviously, so I had to light all these candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour
to get a an erection, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept
yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

It is an AFFS except it was a video before..... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 24, 2014, 02:21:52 PM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2014, 02:25:07 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 24, 2014, 02:21:52 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4)

I think she is shite.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 24, 2014, 04:28:22 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 24, 2014, 02:21:52 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp8KL8z3Ij4)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2014, 03:12:18 PM: Daily Mail online: "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils."

well not technically...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2014, 03:18:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2014, 03:12:18 PM
Daily Mail online: "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils."

well not technically...... rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 29, 2014, 03:48:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2014, 03:12:18 PM
Daily Mail online: "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils."

well not technically...... rubschin:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2014, 06:31:25 PM: Quote from: Baldy on April 29, 2014, 03:48:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2014, 03:12:18 PM
Daily Mail online: "Teacher murdered in class was dearly loved by all her pupils."

well not technically...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2014, 06:34:16 PM: The Portsmouth Woman

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 30, 2014, 09:36:50 AM: David Cameron on the stabbing of the Leeds school teacher "It's important we wait for the investigation to see exactly what happened and what lessons can be learnt",.........

Obviously not Spanish at the moment.............. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 30, 2014, 09:39:45 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 30, 2014, 09:36:50 AM
David Cameron on the stabbing of the Leeds school teacher "It's important we wait for the investigation to see exactly what happened and what lessons can be learnt",.........

Obviously not Spanish at the moment.............. whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 30, 2014, 03:56:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 30, 2014, 09:36:50 AM
David Cameron on the stabbing of the Leeds school teacher "It's important we wait for the investigation to see exactly what happened and what lessons can be learnt",.........

Obviously not Spanish at the moment.............. whistle:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 02, 2014, 04:23:22 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fokwmd5ndt%2FBieber.jpg&hash=fc2992bade5a615b696901de78ff2126ccc0b34e) (http://postimg.org/image/okwmd5ndt/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2014, 04:25:34 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 02, 2014, 04:23:22 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fokwmd5ndt%2FBieber.jpg&hash=fc2992bade5a615b696901de78ff2126ccc0b34e) (http://postimg.org/image/okwmd5ndt/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 02, 2014, 04:25:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2014, 04:25:34 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 02, 2014, 04:23:22 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fokwmd5ndt%2FBieber.jpg&hash=fc2992bade5a615b696901de78ff2126ccc0b34e) (http://postimg.org/image/okwmd5ndt/)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2014, 06:49:36 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 02, 2014, 04:23:22 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fokwmd5ndt%2FBieber.jpg&hash=fc2992bade5a615b696901de78ff2126ccc0b34e) (http://postimg.org/image/okwmd5ndt/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 02, 2014, 07:29:06 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 02, 2014, 04:25:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2014, 04:25:34 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 02, 2014, 04:23:22 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fokwmd5ndt%2FBieber.jpg&hash=fc2992bade5a615b696901de78ff2126ccc0b34e) (http://postimg.org/image/okwmd5ndt/)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 04, 2014, 05:48:58 PM: Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather

were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 04, 2014, 05:50:12 PM: Quote from: Baldy on May 04, 2014, 05:48:58 PM
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather

were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 04, 2014, 06:46:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 04, 2014, 05:50:12 PM
Quote from: Baldy on May 04, 2014, 05:48:58 PM
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather

were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2014, 05:58:12 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 04, 2014, 06:46:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 04, 2014, 05:50:12 PM
Quote from: Baldy on May 04, 2014, 05:48:58 PM
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather

were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 07, 2014, 10:43:05 AM: The McCanns are hoping for some good news from Portugal soon. Apparently in someone's cellar they might have found.......

.

...some more of the excellent Merlot they were drinking 7 years ago while someone took their kid.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 07, 2014, 10:49:21 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 07, 2014, 10:43:05 AM
The McCanns are hoping for some good news from Portugal soon. Apparently in someone's cellar they might have found.......

.

...some more of the excellent Merlot they were drinking 7 years ago while someone took their kid.......

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 07, 2014, 11:39:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 07, 2014, 10:43:05 AM
The McCanns are hoping for some good news from Portugal soon. Apparently in someone's cellar they might have found.......

.

...some more of the excellent Merlot they were drinking 7 years ago while someone took their kid.......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 07, 2014, 05:34:25 PM: razz: razz: razz: razz: razz: razz: razz: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 09, 2014, 07:53:11 AM: Neighbour

I woke for a visit to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

'That Bastard next door has still got my shovel !!!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2014, 08:23:36 AM: Quote from: Baldy on May 09, 2014, 07:53:11 AM
Neighbour

I woke for a visit to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

'That Bastard next door has still got my shovel !!!'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 13, 2014, 02:58:56 PM: A man from Kuala Lumpur told his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for a few days. He informed her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

She gave him a lift to the airport. He waved goodbye as he disappeared through the airport doors.
Two hours later the wife got a phone call saying "We are up in the air, see you in four days"

Now, he's been stuck for 12 weeks in his girlfriend's house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 13, 2014, 03:14:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 13, 2014, 02:58:56 PM
A man from Kuala Lumpur told his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for a few days. He informed her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

She gave him a lift to the airport. He waved goodbye as he disappeared through the airport doors.
Two hours later the wife got a phone call saying "We are up in the air, see you in four days"

Now, he's been stuck for 12 weeks in his girlfriend's house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 13, 2014, 06:27:27 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 13, 2014, 08:19:40 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2014, 03:14:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 13, 2014, 02:58:56 PM
A man from Kuala Lumpur told his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for a few days. He informed her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

She gave him a lift to the airport. He waved goodbye as he disappeared through the airport doors.
Two hours later the wife got a phone call saying "We are up in the air, see you in four days"

Now, he's been stuck for 12 weeks in his girlfriend's house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home.

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 17, 2014, 01:20:50 PM: I was astonished to learn that the meat in in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way......

How do they fit a rucksack on a cow?.............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 17, 2014, 01:24:10 PM: Today, I was browsing porn sites in Nigeria..........

The popup advert said, "There are no local girls in your area."........... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2014, 01:29:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 17, 2014, 01:24:10 PM
Today, I was browsing porn sites in Nigeria..........

The popup advert said, "There are no local girls in your area."........... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2014, 02:46:02 PM: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 21, 2014, 08:35:55 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 17, 2014, 02:46:02 PM
Spank2: Spank2:

First the Malaysian airliner disappears and now these 200 Nigerian schoolgirls have been kidnapped.........

I'm beginning to doubt they'll ever find a black box intact ........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 21, 2014, 08:55:33 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 22, 2014, 04:58:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 21, 2014, 08:35:55 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 17, 2014, 02:46:02 PM
Spank2: Spank2:

First the Malaysian airliner disappears and now these 200 Nigerian schoolgirls have been kidnapped.........

I'm beginning to doubt they'll ever find a black box intact ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 22, 2014, 07:37:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 22, 2014, 04:58:56 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 21, 2014, 08:35:55 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 17, 2014, 02:46:02 PM
Spank2: Spank2:

First the Malaysian airliner disappears and now these 200 Nigerian schoolgirls have been kidnapped.........

I'm beginning to doubt they'll ever find a black box intact ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:00:52 PM: What goes,
O2 Surprises
O2 Surprises
O2 Top-Up
O2 Surprises?

A ginger's text message inbox. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:01:35 PM: I said to my son, "Where you going?"
He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."
I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
He said, "What?"
I said, "You know."
He said, "Do you mean a condom?"

I said, "No, a fucking hat you ginger c**t." whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:01:57 PM: Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life?

A: Grey Hair whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:06:06 PM: A man goes on a golfing holiday leaving his wife home alone. Half way through the holiday he gets a call from his next door neighbour. "Albert I got some terrible news for you. Your wife has hung herself on the washing line".
"Oh my god" said Albert "that's awful". I'm here enjoying myself and that has happened"
He went quiet for a second then said to his neighbour.
"Joe please can you do me a favour."?
"Yes anything" said Joe.

"Thanks Joe, if it rains can you take her in for me"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 24, 2014, 08:32:07 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:01:35 PM
I said to my son, "Where you going?"
He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."
I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
He said, "What?"
I said, "You know."
He said, "Do you mean a condom?"

I said, "No, a fucking hat you ginger c**t." whistle: whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 24, 2014, 08:32:59 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 04:01:57 PM
Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life?

A: Grey Hair whistle: whistle: whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:08 PM: My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:26 PM: To the person who nicked my trainers when I was on the bouncy castle just now... fucking grow up
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 24, 2014, 08:55:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:26 PM
To the person who nicked my trainers when I was on the bouncy castle just now... fucking grow up

happy001 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 24, 2014, 08:56:38 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:08 PM
My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:57:45 PM: A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wive's birthday, the rich man says "I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW & still be happy".
The Poor man says "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 24, 2014, 09:11:04 PM: Quote from: boogs on May 24, 2014, 08:55:40 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:26 PM
To the person who nicked my trainers when I was on the bouncy castle just now... fucking grow up

happy001 redface:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 25, 2014, 05:29:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:08 PM
My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2014, 08:41:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 24, 2014, 08:54:08 PM
My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on May 25, 2014, 02:05:59 PM: A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.

"Fecking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 25, 2014, 02:07:21 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 25, 2014, 02:05:59 PM
A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.

"Fecking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 25, 2014, 03:05:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 25, 2014, 02:07:21 PM
Quote from: beerhead on May 25, 2014, 02:05:59 PM
A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.

"Fecking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs.

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 25, 2014, 05:56:22 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 25, 2014, 02:05:59 PM
A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.

"Fecking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on May 25, 2014, 08:03:47 PM: Quote from: beerhead on May 25, 2014, 02:05:59 PM
A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.

"Fecking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2014, 06:09:28 AM: A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2014, 06:10:08 AM: Last night my blind date said, "Tell me something about you that will impress me."
"I got my penis caught in my zip this morning." I replied.
She said, "That's hardly impressive."

"Oh right," I said, "Do you prefer men who wear shoes with laces then?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2014, 06:10:37 AM: I bought my little boy a trampoline for his birthday. He was over the moon.

Bounce on that fucker was far stronger than I anticipated.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2014, 07:46:46 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 27, 2014, 08:28:15 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 27, 2014, 09:21:11 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2014, 09:27:19 PM: happy001 ,

happy001

and

happy001 ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 28, 2014, 07:10:43 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimg.org%2F7wr37ue0v%2Fcatwork.jpg&hash=c27c0be51ded168f40f53c1632340a0488132915) (http://postimg.org/image/7wr37ue0v/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2014, 07:41:59 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 28, 2014, 07:10:43 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimg.org%2F7wr37ue0v%2Fcatwork.jpg&hash=c27c0be51ded168f40f53c1632340a0488132915) (http://postimg.org/image/7wr37ue0v/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 28, 2014, 09:29:52 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 28, 2014, 07:10:43 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimg.org%2F7wr37ue0v%2Fcatwork.jpg&hash=c27c0be51ded168f40f53c1632340a0488132915) (http://postimg.org/image/7wr37ue0v/)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 28, 2014, 10:17:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 28, 2014, 07:41:59 AM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 28, 2014, 07:10:43 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.postimg.org%2F7wr37ue0v%2Fcatwork.jpg&hash=c27c0be51ded168f40f53c1632340a0488132915) (http://postimg.org/image/7wr37ue0v/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 31, 2014, 09:20:22 AM: "We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."

"For fuck's sake Moses."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 31, 2014, 09:42:04 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 31, 2014, 09:20:22 AM
"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."

"For fuck's sake Moses."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2014, 09:56:13 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 31, 2014, 09:20:22 AM
"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."

"For fuck's sake Moses."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 31, 2014, 12:22:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 31, 2014, 09:56:13 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 31, 2014, 09:20:22 AM
"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."

"For fuck's sake Moses."

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 03:10:47 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on May 31, 2014, 06:23:10 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 31, 2014, 09:20:22 AM
"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."

"For fuck's sake Moses."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 07:24:37 PM: What we are doing for you (http://longtermplan.org.uk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 31, 2014, 07:33:31 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 07:24:37 PM
What we are doing for you (http://longtermplan.org.uk/)
Nothing near me then
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 31, 2014, 07:34:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 07:24:37 PM
What we are doing for you (http://longtermplan.org.uk/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 31, 2014, 11:03:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 31, 2014, 07:34:39 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 07:24:37 PM
What we are doing for you (http://longtermplan.org.uk/)

;D ;D
redface: I should have clicked one shouldn't I

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 01, 2014, 08:52:46 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fagj42p42t%2Fsport.jpg&hash=cc461488461534caaf9a6013c6351728c531698a) (http://postimg.org/image/agj42p42t/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 01, 2014, 03:32:04 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 01, 2014, 08:52:46 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fagj42p42t%2Fsport.jpg&hash=cc461488461534caaf9a6013c6351728c531698a) (http://postimg.org/image/agj42p42t/)

So true Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 01, 2014, 07:39:40 PM: lol:
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 01, 2014, 08:52:46 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs10.postimg.org%2Fagj42p42t%2Fsport.jpg&hash=cc461488461534caaf9a6013c6351728c531698a) (http://postimg.org/image/agj42p42t/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 02, 2014, 08:00:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 31, 2014, 07:24:37 PM
What we are doing for you (http://longtermplan.org.uk/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2014, 05:01:55 PM: “In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 03, 2014, 06:29:20 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 05:01:55 PM
“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2014, 06:32:54 PM: Look up the word "orgasm" if you are puzzled :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:37:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 03, 2014, 06:29:20 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 05:01:55 PM
“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

rubschin:

An old one, prolly not an AFFS because BM had not set up the VP that many years ago. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 03, 2014, 06:45:21 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:37:53 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 03, 2014, 06:29:20 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 05:01:55 PM
“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

rubschin:

An old one, prolly not an AFFS because BM had not set up the VP that many years ago. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM: Prolly Woody Allen, so yes old, but not an AFFS. Good though :thumbsup:

I await reverse reincarnation :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:48:13 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
Prolly Woody Allen, so yes old, but not an AFFS. Good though :thumbsup:

I await reverse reincarnation :thumbsup:

Prison talk? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2014, 06:49:13 PM: Says the Dildo King ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:50:14 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:49:13 PM
Says the Dildo King ::)

I supply them.....to people like yourself. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 03, 2014, 06:51:42 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:50:14 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:49:13 PM
Says the Dildo King ::)

I supply them.....to people like Foggy. I also have the Cyprus Duracell franchise and a new Bentley Thumbs:

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:56:14 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:51:42 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 03, 2014, 06:50:14 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:49:13 PM
Says the Dildo King ::)

I supply them.....to people like Foggy. I also have the Cyprus Duracell franchise and a new Bentley Thumbs:

whistle:

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 03, 2014, 09:42:30 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
Prolly Woody Allen, so yes old, but not an AFFS. Good though :thumbsup:

I await reverse reincarnation :thumbsup:
deffo Affs (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2449.msg47656;topicseen#msg47656)

Think about Mr Stew and suddenly a life going backwards doesn't sound so good

Starts off in the crapper, gets forced up your arse, a little while later you vomit it up and not long before that all sorts of animal parts and veggies are flying out of the stew pan scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 04, 2014, 04:29:59 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 03, 2014, 09:42:30 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
Prolly Woody Allen, so yes old, but not an AFFS. Good though :thumbsup:

I await reverse reincarnation :thumbsup:
deffo Affs (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2449.msg47656;topicseen#msg47656)

Think about Mr Stew and suddenly a life going backwards doesn't sound so good

Starts off in the crapper, gets forced up your arse, a little while later you vomit it up and not long before that all sorts of animal parts and veggies are flying out of the stew pan scared2:

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 04, 2014, 11:09:53 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
I await reverse reincarnation :thumbsup:
You need to have a life first. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 04, 2014, 09:04:30 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
. . .I await reverse reinCarnation :thumbsup:
Is that like devaporated milk?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 05, 2014, 04:18:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 04, 2014, 09:04:30 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on June 03, 2014, 06:47:02 PM
. . .I await reverse reinCarnation :thumbsup:
Is that like devaporated milk?

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 13, 2014, 10:27:18 AM: From Selectionette the younger:

"Hi Dad, just to let you know we will be over a bit later tomorrow, about 3. Lovely day here and we are all busty outside"

Should I tell her?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2014, 11:01:17 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 13, 2014, 10:27:18 AM
From Selectionette the younger:

"Hi Dad, just to let you know we will be over a bit later tomorrow, about 3. Lovely day here and we are all busty outside"

Should I tell her?

Oh noes! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 13, 2014, 02:00:10 PM: I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low......... noooo:

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started last night......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2014, 02:24:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 13, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low......... noooo:

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started last night......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 13, 2014, 04:05:29 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 13, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low......... noooo:

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started last night......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2014, 05:26:24 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 13, 2014, 04:05:29 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 13, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low......... noooo:

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started last night......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 17, 2014, 10:56:17 AM: Interviewing (http://www.27bslash6.com/interviews.html)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2014, 11:15:54 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 17, 2014, 10:56:17 AM
Interviewing (http://www.27bslash6.com/interviews.html)

happy001

That is the rest of the day gone then.... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 17, 2014, 11:19:50 AM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2014, 02:34:40 PM: happy002

Wasn't Boogs going for an interview . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 17, 2014, 05:06:03 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:44:38 AM: I was sitting watching The World Cup when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:46:09 AM: So Coronation street are doing a storyline which will see 12 year old Faye Windass get pregnant?

Great, I was wondering how they were going to bring Ken back!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 21, 2014, 10:46:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:44:38 AM
I was sitting watching The World Cup when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes lol:

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:47:09 AM: How come terrorists can upload videos from a cave and I can't get a decent signal in my own fucking house?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2014, 11:08:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:44:38 AM
I was sitting watching The World Cup when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2014, 11:09:06 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:46:09 AM
So Coronation street are doing a storyline which will see 12 year old Faye Windass get pregnant?

Great, I was wondering how they were going to bring Ken back!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2014, 11:09:21 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2014, 10:47:09 AM
How come terrorists can upload videos from a cave and I can't get a decent signal in my own fucking house?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2014, 11:32:51 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 22, 2014, 08:51:00 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 22, 2014, 09:20:36 AM: A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she’d just had. “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1,000 and the tiny ones for £10.”
Husband: “What about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn’t get a bid!”

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he’d had a dream too: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for £1,000 and the loose ones for £10.”
Wife: “What about ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the feckin auction.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2014, 09:25:47 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 22, 2014, 09:20:36 AM
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she’d just had. “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1,000 and the tiny ones for £10.”
Husband: “What about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn’t get a bid!”

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he’d had a dream too: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for £1,000 and the loose ones for £10.”
Wife: “What about ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the feckin auction.”

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 22, 2014, 09:43:07 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 22, 2014, 09:20:36 AM
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she’d just had. “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1,000 and the tiny ones for £10.”
Husband: “What about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn’t get a bid!”

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he’d had a dream too: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for £1,000 and the loose ones for £10.”
Wife: “What about ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the feckin auction.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 22, 2014, 07:36:44 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 22, 2014, 09:20:36 AM
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she’d just had. “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1,000 and the tiny ones for £10.”
Husband: “What about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn’t get a bid!”

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he’d had a dream too: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for £1,000 and the loose ones for £10.”
Wife: “What about ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the feckin auction.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 23, 2014, 06:57:17 PM: F.A.O Baldy (http://badgirlsbible.com/sex-toys-around-the-house) A new "pitch" lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 23, 2014, 07:55:34 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 23, 2014, 06:57:17 PM
F.A.O Baldy (http://badgirlsbible.com/sex-toys-around-the-house) A new "pitch" lol:

happy001

+

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on June 23, 2014, 10:30:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 23, 2014, 06:57:17 PM
F.A.O Baldy (http://badgirlsbible.com/sex-toys-around-the-house) A new "pitch" lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 23, 2014, 10:47:19 PM: Quote from: Baldy on June 23, 2014, 10:30:13 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 23, 2014, 06:57:17 PM
F.A.O Baldy (http://badgirlsbible.com/sex-toys-around-the-house) A new "pitch" lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 24, 2014, 09:33:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 23, 2014, 10:47:19 PM
Quote from: Baldy on June 23, 2014, 10:30:13 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 23, 2014, 06:57:17 PM
F.A.O Baldy (http://badgirlsbible.com/sex-toys-around-the-house) A new "pitch" lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 25, 2014, 09:25:10 PM: Charlie Bit My Finger SUAREZ VERSION! - Suarez Bites Charlie's Finger (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5vREwbPbl4#)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 25, 2014, 09:55:52 PM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 01, 2014, 03:35:17 PM: Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex so paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex after 20 mins still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel, within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says.....and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 01, 2014, 03:54:35 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 01, 2014, 03:35:17 PM
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex so paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex after 20 mins still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel, within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says.....and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel....

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2014, 04:13:06 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 01, 2014, 03:35:17 PM
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex so paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex after 20 mins still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel, within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says.....and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel....

lol: lol: lol:

That is one of my favouritest old jokes! Thumbs:

Might have been Dave Allen...?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 01, 2014, 04:14:22 PM: Check your antique jokes prompt card ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 01, 2014, 06:06:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 01, 2014, 03:54:35 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 01, 2014, 03:35:17 PM
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex so paddy gets his mate around to waft a towel on them during sex after 20 mins still no orgasm so his friend suggests they swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel, within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says.....and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel....

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 08, 2014, 12:02:53 PM: The 7/7 memorial in London has been vandalised on the anniversary of the London Bombings by Muslims spraying it with graffiti. I vote we get our own back and spray every Muslim with deodorant.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 08, 2014, 01:26:54 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 08, 2014, 12:02:53 PM

The 7/7 memorial in London has been vandalised on the anniversary of the London Bombings by Muslims spraying it with graffiti. I vote we get our own back and spray every Muslim with deodorant.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 08, 2014, 04:23:15 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 08, 2014, 12:02:53 PM

The 7/7 memorial in London has been vandalised on the anniversary of the London Bombings by Muslims spraying it with graffiti. I vote we get our own back and spray every Muslim with deodorant.

lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 08, 2014, 08:38:48 PM: Brazil happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2014, 10:12:13 PM: Newsflash:

7Up now banned in Brazil.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 08, 2014, 10:14:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2014, 10:12:13 PM
Newsflash:

7Up now banned in Brazil.

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 08, 2014, 10:35:27 PM: Quote from: Baldy on July 08, 2014, 10:14:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2014, 10:12:13 PM
Newsflash:

7Up now banned in Brazil.

drumroll: lol:

It was a fix....... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2014, 05:16:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2014, 10:12:13 PM
Newsflash:

7Up now banned in Brazil.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 09, 2014, 06:29:41 AM: That's the most embarrassing semi I've seen since I went to watch Brokeback Mountain at the cinema with my Dad
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2014, 06:35:21 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 09, 2014, 06:29:41 AM
That's the most embarrassing semi I've seen since I went to watch Brokeback Mountain at the cinema with my Dad

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 09, 2014, 08:08:36 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 09, 2014, 06:29:41 AM
That's the most embarrassing semi I've seen since I went to watch Brokeback Mountain at the cinema with my Dad

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 09, 2014, 09:46:44 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 09, 2014, 06:35:21 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 09, 2014, 06:29:41 AM
That's the most embarrassing semi I've seen since I went to watch Brokeback Mountain at the cinema with my Dad

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 09, 2014, 10:22:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 09, 2014, 09:46:44 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 09, 2014, 06:35:21 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 09, 2014, 06:29:41 AM
That's the most embarrassing semi I've seen since I went to watch Brokeback Mountain at the cinema with my Dad

happy001

happy001 happy001

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 09, 2014, 11:07:43 AM: Felt sorry for Julio Cesar last night.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2014, 11:09:42 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 09, 2014, 11:07:43 AM
Felt sorry for Julio Cesar last night.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.

lol: lol: lol:

Or a bukkake video.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 09, 2014, 01:12:12 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 09, 2014, 11:07:43 AM
Felt sorry for Julio Cesar last night.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 09, 2014, 02:44:45 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 09, 2014, 11:07:43 AM
Felt sorry for Julio Cesar last night.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing that many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 12, 2014, 06:31:19 PM: Calvin Harris has announced the true composer of his song..."it was acceptable in the 80.s...........................

turns out it was penned by his uncle Rolf........... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2014, 12:15:03 PM: Oh Mr Darwin sir (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/07/17/some-cunt-in-tractor-to-purposely-ruin-every-motorists-day-today/)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2014, 12:25:04 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 20, 2014, 12:15:03 PM
Oh Mr Darwin sir (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/07/17/some-cunt-in-tractor-to-purposely-ruin-every-motorists-day-today/)

lol:
angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 20, 2014, 12:42:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 20, 2014, 12:15:03 PM
Oh Mr Darwin sir (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/07/17/some-cunt-in-tractor-to-purposely-ruin-every-motorists-day-today/)

lol:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 20, 2014, 12:42:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 20, 2014, 12:15:03 PM
Oh Mr Darwin sir (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/07/17/some-cunt-in-tractor-to-purposely-ruin-every-motorists-day-today/)

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 20, 2014, 08:39:09 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 20, 2014, 12:15:03 PM
Oh Mr Darwin sir (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/07/17/some-cunt-in-tractor-to-purposely-ruin-every-motorists-day-today/)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 22, 2014, 07:22:11 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fabf6c9pkx%2Fcoal.jpg&hash=9c2a04fe6ff85ffb98d77e04d7a2f0042385fa43) (http://postimg.org/image/abf6c9pkx/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2014, 08:43:31 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 22, 2014, 07:22:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fabf6c9pkx%2Fcoal.jpg&hash=9c2a04fe6ff85ffb98d77e04d7a2f0042385fa43) (http://postimg.org/image/abf6c9pkx/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 22, 2014, 11:14:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 22, 2014, 08:43:31 AM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 22, 2014, 07:22:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fabf6c9pkx%2Fcoal.jpg&hash=9c2a04fe6ff85ffb98d77e04d7a2f0042385fa43) (http://postimg.org/image/abf6c9pkx/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 22, 2014, 02:29:30 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 22, 2014, 11:14:09 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 22, 2014, 08:43:31 AM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on July 22, 2014, 07:22:11 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fabf6c9pkx%2Fcoal.jpg&hash=9c2a04fe6ff85ffb98d77e04d7a2f0042385fa43) (http://postimg.org/image/abf6c9pkx/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
happy001

______________________________
Your local friendly tapatalking heretic
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:10:25 AM: 50 Shades (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:11:09 AM: My wife was putting sun cream on.
"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 07:17:24 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2014, 07:43:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:10:25 AM
50 Shades (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)

happy001

19 gets my vote! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2014, 08:12:30 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2014, 07:43:34 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:10:25 AM
50 Shades (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)

happy001

19 gets my vote! Thumbs:
happy001 happy001

#12 appeals too

FWIW you can still get the whole Fifty Sheds ebook (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Sheds-Grey-ebook/dp/B0096BJCAI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406534873&sr=1-1&keywords=fifty+sheds+of+grey) for 20p off Amazon. That'll add a whole 1p to the VP funds too
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on July 28, 2014, 11:37:03 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:10:25 AM
50 Shades (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2014, 12:19:32 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2014, 07:43:34 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 28, 2014, 07:10:25 AM
50 Shades (http://www.tickld.com/x/if-50-shades-of-grey-was-written-by-a-man)

happy001

19 gets my vote! Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2014, 10:25:03 AM: The battery in my wife’s dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way....

I’ve been picking bits of cucumber out of my arse all morning.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2014, 10:32:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 01, 2014, 10:25:03 AM
The battery in my wife’s dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way....

I’ve been picking bits of cucumber out of my arse all morning.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on August 04, 2014, 12:32:49 PM: I didn't watch the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. If I want to see people standing around in tracksuits looking bored, I go to Aldi.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 04, 2014, 12:33:30 PM: Quote from: beerhead on August 04, 2014, 12:32:49 PM
I didn't watch the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. If I want to see people standing around in tracksuits looking bored, I go to Aldi.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 04, 2014, 12:40:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 04, 2014, 12:33:30 PM
Quote from: beerhead on August 04, 2014, 12:32:49 PM
I didn't watch the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. If I want to see people standing around in tracksuits looking bored, I go to Aldi.

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2014, 01:58:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 04, 2014, 12:40:55 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 04, 2014, 12:33:30 PM
Quote from: beerhead on August 04, 2014, 12:32:49 PM
I didn't watch the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. If I want to see people standing around in tracksuits looking bored, I go to Aldi.

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 04, 2014, 04:26:24 PM: Quote from: beerhead on August 04, 2014, 12:32:49 PM
I didn't watch the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. If I want to see people standing around in tracksuits looking bored, I go to Aldi.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2014, 11:03:03 AM: eeek: eeek:

Patrick Lottin tout est planifiÃ© un vrai bijou (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO5UWvrqahQ#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 14, 2014, 11:57:40 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 14, 2014, 11:03:03 AM
eeek: eeek:

Patrick Lottin tout est planifiÃ© un vrai bijou (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO5UWvrqahQ#ws)

:thumbsup: refreshingly bonkers
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2014, 02:30:46 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 14, 2014, 11:03:03 AM
eeek: eeek:

Patrick Lottin tout est planifiÃ© un vrai bijou (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO5UWvrqahQ#ws)

I posted that ages ago.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2014, 02:36:49 PM: tunble: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2014, 05:26:30 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 14, 2014, 02:36:49 PM
tunble: tunble:

Well I did.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2014, 05:31:18 PM: char048 char048
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2014, 05:39:25 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 14, 2014, 05:31:18 PM
char048 char048

I fecking did! cussing:

I posted the official OK Go video....

http://youtu.be/qybUFnY7Y8w (http://youtu.be/qybUFnY7Y8w)

Betterer than that owld shite that you posted.... point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 14, 2014, 05:40:55 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2014, 05:41:19 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 14, 2014, 05:40:55 PM
noooo:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM: Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 03:25:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:

Snooze........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:27:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 03:25:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:

Snooze........ whistle:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 04:15:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:27:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 03:25:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:

Snooze........ whistle:

evil:

So that is now 9 stand-up comedians out of work because everybody has heard their one good joke. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 04:40:57 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 04:15:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:27:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 03:25:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:

Snooze........ whistle:

evil:

So that is now 9 stand-up comedians out of work because everybody has heard their one good joke. noooo:

Or one back in work with 9 good jokes....... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 19, 2014, 04:51:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 04:40:57 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 04:15:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:27:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 03:25:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2014, 03:20:43 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.
8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.
9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

;D

lol: lol: lol:

I was just about to post that first one.... evil:

Snooze........ whistle:

evil:

So that is now 9 stand-up comedians out of work because everybody has heard their one good joke. noooo:

Or one back in work with 9 good jokes....... whistle:

I do not think it werks like that after everyone has heard them. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2014, 06:00:32 PM: lol: lol: lol:

#3 should have won imho but#1 was good. They had its author Tim Vine on the Beeb this morning and I have to say he was excellent with the instant wit worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 08:52:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 06:00:32 PM
lol: lol: lol:

#3 should have won imho but#1 was good. They had its author Tim Vine on the Beeb this morning and I have to say he was excellent with the instant wit worthy:

Yes, "Thought for the Day" is really out there nowadays.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2014, 09:00:32 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 08:52:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 06:00:32 PM
lol: lol: lol:

#3 should have won imho but#1 was good. They had its author Tim Vine on the Beeb this morning and I have to say he was excellent with the instant wit worthy:

Yes, "Thought for the Day" is really out there nowadays.

lol:

Do they still do thought for the day?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 09:01:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 09:00:32 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 08:52:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 06:00:32 PM
lol: lol: lol:

#3 should have won imho but#1 was good. They had its author Tim Vine on the Beeb this morning and I have to say he was excellent with the instant wit worthy:

Yes, "Thought for the Day" is really out there nowadays.

lol:

Do they still do thought for the day?

A new thread....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2014, 09:02:51 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2014, 09:01:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 09:00:32 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 19, 2014, 08:52:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2014, 06:00:32 PM
lol: lol: lol:

#3 should have won imho but#1 was good. They had its author Tim Vine on the Beeb this morning and I have to say he was excellent with the instant wit worthy:

Yes, "Thought for the Day" is really out there nowadays.

lol:

Do they still do thought for the day?

A new thread....... rubschin:
:thumbsup: it'll be a right post magnet

maybe
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 21, 2014, 05:03:41 PM: Assertive Women's Conference.

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said, “During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing.
The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).

The second lady, from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day,I saw nothing, but on the third day,
I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."
(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said,
"Afta lass year's conference, I wen ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself."
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes)
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day,I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa me leff eye."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 21, 2014, 05:24:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 21, 2014, 05:03:41 PM
Assertive Women's Conference.
[/b]

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said, “During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing.
The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).

The second lady, from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day,I saw nothing, but on the third day,
I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."
(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said,
"Afta lass year's conference, I wen ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself."
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes)
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day,I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa me leff eye."

lol: lol: lol:

What do you say to a woman with a black eye...?

Nothing. you've told her once already..... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 24, 2014, 01:43:03 PM: So dad, how do you like the iPad we got you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw4u20a41U4#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 24, 2014, 02:17:58 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 24, 2014, 01:43:03 PM
So dad, how do you like the iPad we got you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw4u20a41U4#)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 28, 2014, 05:46:35 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2F72wmx61fn%2Ffish.jpg&hash=0a385bd7b029459da139fc5248bb1d2e09a0c424) (http://postimg.org/image/72wmx61fn/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 28, 2014, 05:54:50 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 28, 2014, 05:46:35 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2F72wmx61fn%2Ffish.jpg&hash=0a385bd7b029459da139fc5248bb1d2e09a0c424) (http://postimg.org/image/72wmx61fn/)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on August 28, 2014, 04:46:21 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on August 28, 2014, 05:46:35 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs13.postimg.org%2F72wmx61fn%2Ffish.jpg&hash=0a385bd7b029459da139fc5248bb1d2e09a0c424) (http://postimg.org/image/72wmx61fn/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 02, 2014, 09:18:01 AM: A man is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the British Airways catchphrase:

'The World's Favourite Airline'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Bingo!' he says, with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 02, 2014, 09:29:14 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 02, 2014, 09:18:01 AM
A man is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the British Airways catchphrase:

'The World's Favourite Airline'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Bingo!' he says, with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 02, 2014, 11:01:05 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 02, 2014, 09:18:01 AM
A man is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the British Airways catchphrase:

'The World's Favourite Airline'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Bingo!' he says, with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'

AFFS.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 02, 2014, 12:18:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 02, 2014, 11:01:05 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 02, 2014, 09:18:01 AM
A man is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the British Airways catchphrase:

'The World's Favourite Airline'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Bingo!' he says, with a smile on his face - 'Ryanair'

AFFS.... ::)

evil:

I don't remember what happened yesterday, never mind what somebody else posted in the distant past.

Or was it me that posted it the first time? redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 04, 2014, 11:53:12 AM: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634 (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2014, 11:56:33 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 04, 2014, 11:53:12 AM
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634 (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634)

eeek:

Also...

"Daddy I want to be a pig!" happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 04, 2014, 04:03:36 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 04, 2014, 11:53:12 AM
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634 (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Muslims-against-Peppa-Pig/489594991175634)

Some very amusing comments posted in the last hour. lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 06, 2014, 08:18:22 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e59guruVL4o (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e59guruVL4o)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 07, 2014, 08:08:15 AM: Possibly one for the Commons rubschin:

The Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrdMDFmhjao#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 07, 2014, 08:49:04 AM: worthy: worthy: worthy: worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 07, 2014, 09:36:46 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 07, 2014, 08:08:15 AM
Possibly one for the Commons rubschin:

The Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrdMDFmhjao#)

happ096
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 07, 2014, 09:49:07 AM: Wonder where the VP laydees fit on this? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 07, 2014, 10:05:54 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 07, 2014, 08:08:15 AM
Possibly one for the Commons rubschin:

The Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrdMDFmhjao#)

rubschin: why did they get the 40 year old virgin to present it?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 07, 2014, 01:47:33 PM: I have sent it to The Boy for educational purposes :thumbsup: :thumbsup: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 07, 2014, 02:22:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 07, 2014, 10:05:54 AM
Quote from: Just One More on September 07, 2014, 08:08:15 AM
Possibly one for the Commons rubschin:

The Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrdMDFmhjao#)

rubschin: why did they get the 40 year old virgin to present it?

Here is your answer (http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/irony) :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 07, 2014, 03:20:40 PM: I am a Unicorn :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 07, 2014, 03:21:19 PM: char048 char048
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 07, 2014, 05:34:19 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 07, 2014, 08:08:15 AM
Possibly one for the Commons rubschin:

The Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrdMDFmhjao#)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 08, 2014, 01:36:20 PM: Judy's funeral

Ethel and Margaret at the funeral

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children, Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, or second husband, or the one she lost, or who?

Margaret replied whispering: "I think he means her legs dear".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2014, 01:39:26 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 08, 2014, 01:36:20 PM
Judy's funeral

Ethel and Margaret at the funeral

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children, Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, or second husband, or the one she lost, or who?

Margaret replied whispering: "I think he means her legs dear".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 08, 2014, 01:52:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 08, 2014, 01:36:20 PM
Judy's funeral

Ethel and Margaret at the funeral

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children, Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, or second husband, or the one she lost, or who?

Margaret replied whispering: "I think he means her legs dear".

AFFs ! (But good though)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 08, 2014, 06:20:57 PM: redface: I plead the 5th and other excuses. #1: The bastard search engine didn't find any pre telling
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 09, 2014, 07:45:52 AM: Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 09, 2014, 08:06:31 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 09, 2014, 07:45:52 AM
Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on September 09, 2014, 08:34:51 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 09, 2014, 07:45:52 AM
Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 09, 2014, 08:58:12 AM: Quote from: Baldy on September 09, 2014, 08:34:51 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 09, 2014, 07:45:52 AM
Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 09, 2014, 11:29:22 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 09, 2014, 08:58:12 AM
Quote from: Baldy on September 09, 2014, 08:34:51 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 09, 2014, 07:45:52 AM
Which is an Islamic trait?

A.heading
B.heading
C.heading

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 17, 2014, 08:30:33 AM: How do I describe how my glove fits?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 17, 2014, 09:31:22 AM: lol:

rubschin:

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 17, 2014, 10:07:20 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 17, 2014, 08:30:33 AM
How do I describe how my glove fits?

Unless you went to mother care it is probably 'too big'.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 17, 2014, 10:23:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 17, 2014, 10:07:20 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 17, 2014, 08:30:33 AM
How do I describe how my glove fits?

Unless you went to mother care it is probably 'too big'.....

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 17, 2014, 10:46:28 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 17, 2014, 10:23:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 17, 2014, 10:07:20 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 17, 2014, 08:30:33 AM
How do I describe how my glove fits?

Unless you went to mother care it is probably 'too big'.....

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2014, 06:27:30 PM: “Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me....

“Well, it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him!

“Really?” he asked.

“No,” I replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 19, 2014, 06:28:19 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 20, 2014, 11:33:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 19, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me....

“Well, it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him!

“Really?” he asked.

“No,” I replied.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 28, 2014, 08:13:31 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fvibsoamkh%2Ftons.jpg&hash=29747a5e1e04e9c8c727e48d5c0e9eabe4288afd) (http://postimg.org/image/vibsoamkh/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 28, 2014, 08:18:01 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 28, 2014, 08:13:31 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fvibsoamkh%2Ftons.jpg&hash=29747a5e1e04e9c8c727e48d5c0e9eabe4288afd) (http://postimg.org/image/vibsoamkh/)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 29, 2014, 06:11:36 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 28, 2014, 08:13:31 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fvibsoamkh%2Ftons.jpg&hash=29747a5e1e04e9c8c727e48d5c0e9eabe4288afd) (http://postimg.org/image/vibsoamkh/)

lol: lol: the old ones are the best...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2014, 06:16:49 PM: Quote from: boogs on September 29, 2014, 06:11:36 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 28, 2014, 08:13:31 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fvibsoamkh%2Ftons.jpg&hash=29747a5e1e04e9c8c727e48d5c0e9eabe4288afd) (http://postimg.org/image/vibsoamkh/)

lol: lol: the old ones are the best...

You should know! happy001

redface: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 29, 2014, 06:40:21 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2014, 06:16:49 PM
Quote from: boogs on September 29, 2014, 06:11:36 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on September 28, 2014, 08:13:31 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2Fvibsoamkh%2Ftons.jpg&hash=29747a5e1e04e9c8c727e48d5c0e9eabe4288afd) (http://postimg.org/image/vibsoamkh/)

lol: lol: the old ones are the best...

You should know! happy001

redface: redface: redface: redface:

evil: evil: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 29, 2014, 06:47:13 PM: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2014, 06:53:32 PM: scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2014, 03:50:40 PM: “You won’t need that love,” I told her as she reached into her bag for the condom.

”You’ve had the snip then?” She asked.

“Nope. I’ve just come in my pants.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 05, 2014, 07:09:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 05, 2014, 03:50:40 PM
“You won’t need that love,” I told her as she reached into her bag for the condom.

”You’ve had the snip then?” She asked.

“Nope. I’ve just come in my pants.”

Usual problem then BM ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 05, 2014, 07:10:16 PM: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2014, 07:10:56 PM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2014, 07:19:02 AM: An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he wont be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would of happened if I had swallowed the ball". "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does".
L
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2014, 07:28:00 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:19:02 AM
An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he wont be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would of happened if I had swallowed the ball". "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does".
L

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2014, 07:33:44 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:19:02 AM
An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he wont be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would of happened if I had swallowed the ball". "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does".
L
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2014, 07:35:05 AM: Steve gets one Euro in my will sad24: sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2014, 07:41:51 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:35:05 AM
Steve gets one Euro in my will sad24: sad24:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2014, 07:47:46 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:35:05 AM
Steve gets one Euro in my will sad24: sad24:
rubschin: I could spend it on very cheap wine and women and then waste the rest

Have to say all very dark this morning Mr Nick
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2014, 07:49:30 AM: How often is man flu fatal? sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2014, 07:56:04 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:49:30 AM
How often is man flu fatal? sad24:

Only when it is actually Ebola.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2014, 08:01:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 06, 2014, 07:56:04 AM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 07:49:30 AM
How often is man flu fatal? sad24:

Only when it is actually Ebola.... whistle:
scared2: scared2: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2014, 08:03:02 AM: I just sneezed on my screen so the whole pub has it now redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2014, 08:09:14 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on October 06, 2014, 08:03:02 AM
I just sneezed on my screen so the whole pub has it now redface:
noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 10, 2014, 11:22:30 PM: When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive, and still in perfect proportion to her body.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2014, 06:27:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 10, 2014, 11:22:30 PM
When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive, and still in perfect proportion to her body.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 11, 2014, 04:45:12 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 10, 2014, 11:22:30 PM
When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive, and still in perfect proportion to her body.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 11, 2014, 04:49:07 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 10, 2014, 11:22:30 PM
When I met my wife her breasts were small and in perfect proportion to her body. Now, after twenty five years of marriage her breasts are massive, and still in perfect proportion to her body.

Issue #182 with marrying children?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 17, 2014, 07:38:28 AM: These tampon adverts lack a little reality.

What they need is a boyfriend being punched after trying to negotiate a blow job instead.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 17, 2014, 07:55:27 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 17, 2014, 07:38:28 AM
These tampon adverts lack a little reality.

What they need is a boyfriend being punched after trying to negotiate a blow job instead.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on October 17, 2014, 08:07:17 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 17, 2014, 07:38:28 AM
These tampon adverts lack a little reality.

What they need is a boyfriend being punched after trying to negotiate a blow job instead.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 17, 2014, 02:18:06 PM: I saved €463 on my car insurance today!

Now I’ve just got to hope that I don’t get pulled over in the next 12 months.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 17, 2014, 02:19:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 17, 2014, 02:18:06 PM
I saved €463 on my car insurance today!

Now I’ve just got to hope that I don’t get pulled over in the next 12 months.

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 21, 2014, 06:47:04 PM: A man who was paralysed can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.

I'm pretty sure if they had waited till he had a cold they could have had him running.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 21, 2014, 06:48:51 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 21, 2014, 06:47:04 PM
A man who was paralysed can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.

I'm pretty sure if they had waited till he had a cold they could have had him running.....

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 21, 2014, 06:50:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 21, 2014, 06:48:51 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 21, 2014, 06:47:04 PM
A man who was paralysed can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.

I'm pretty sure if they had waited till he had a cold they could have had him running.....

;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 21, 2014, 07:09:26 PM: Indian footballer Peter Biaksangzuala died from spinal injuries caused by a celebratory somersault......... (see it's only a game thread BM )

So I am now saying things I never thought I would....

"What we need is more flipping Pakis"............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 21, 2014, 07:11:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 21, 2014, 07:09:26 PM
Indian footballer Peter Biaksangzuala died from spinal injuries caused by a celebratory somersault......... (see it's only a game thread BM )

So I am now saying things I never thought I would....

"What we need is more flipping Pakis"............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 01, 2014, 10:17:03 PM: My wife done really well last night, she came home with 15 Mars bars, 3 Chunky Kit Kats and 3 Curly Wurlys, I can see why she got upset though she's the fucking Avon lady.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 01, 2014, 10:31:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2014, 10:17:03 PM
My wife done really well last night, she came home with 15 Mars bars, 3 Chunky Kit Kats and 3 Curly Wurlys, I can see why she got upset though she's the fucking Avon lady.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 01, 2014, 11:52:09 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2014, 10:17:03 PM
My wife done really well last night, she came home with 15 Mars bars, 3 Chunky Kit Kats and 3 Curly Wurlys, I can see why she got upset though she's the fucking Avon lady.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2014, 06:51:36 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2014, 10:17:03 PM
My wife done really well last night, she came home with 15 Mars bars, 3 Chunky Kit Kats and 3 Curly Wurlys, I can see why she got upset though she's the fucking Avon lady.

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 02, 2014, 06:53:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2014, 10:17:03 PM
My wife done really well last night, she came home with 15 Mars bars, 3 Chunky Kit Kats and 3 Curly Wurlys, I can see why she got upset though she's the fucking Avon lady.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 02, 2014, 08:03:48 PM: Ed Miliband has been criticised after dropping only 2p into a homeless woman's cup.......

I'll bet a tenner the cvnt claims it back on his expenses.......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2014, 08:05:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 02, 2014, 08:03:48 PM
Ed Miliband has been criticised after dropping only 2p into a homeless woman's cup.......

I'll bet a tenner the cvnt claims it back on his expenses.......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2014, 01:19:35 PM: It was the coldest British winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves from each other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities. The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2014, 01:31:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 03, 2014, 01:19:35 PM

It was the coldest British winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves from each other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities. The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 06:02:41 PM: My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school........

Jon Venables............. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2014, 06:17:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 06:02:41 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school........

Jon Venables............. redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 04, 2014, 06:48:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 06:02:41 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school........

Jon Venables............. redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 04, 2014, 07:26:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 04, 2014, 06:17:07 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 06:02:41 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school........

Jon Venables............. redface:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 04, 2014, 08:01:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 04, 2014, 07:26:47 PM

Quote from: Barman on November 04, 2014, 06:17:07 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 06:02:41 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school........

Jon Venables............. redface:

happy001
happy001 happy001

noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 06, 2014, 01:31:26 PM: http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/ (http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 06, 2014, 01:41:03 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 06, 2014, 01:31:26 PM
http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/ (http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2014, 08:21:28 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 06, 2014, 01:41:03 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 06, 2014, 01:31:26 PM
http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/ (http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/)

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 07, 2014, 02:52:25 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 06, 2014, 01:31:26 PM
http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/ (http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/)
worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 07, 2014, 08:37:00 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 06, 2014, 01:31:26 PM
http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/ (http://www.mandatory.com/2014/10/02/there-is-no-better-way-to-deal-with-a-spam-texter-than-this/)

:thumbsup: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 16, 2014, 03:16:09 PM: Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant", He asked "how did this happen my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming", The priest shocked by this reply asked, "what makes you think it's the second coming?" she replied "because i swallowed the first"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2014, 03:31:37 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 16, 2014, 03:16:09 PM
Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant", He asked "how did this happen my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming", The priest shocked by this reply asked, "what makes you think it's the second coming?" she replied "because i swallowed the first"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on November 16, 2014, 04:32:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 16, 2014, 03:31:37 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on November 16, 2014, 03:16:09 PM
Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant", He asked "how did this happen my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming", The priest shocked by this reply asked, "what makes you think it's the second coming?" she replied "because i swallowed the first"

lol: lol: lol:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 18, 2014, 08:03:26 PM: I've just tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software won't let me.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2014, 08:06:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 18, 2014, 08:03:26 PM
I've just tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software won't let me.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2014, 08:11:36 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 18, 2014, 08:03:26 PM
I've just tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the Ebola outbreak, but my anti-virus software won't let me.

happy001

Plus, you'd be a complete cnut if you did like..... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2014, 05:37:54 AM: I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2014, 06:12:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2014, 05:37:54 AM
I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 20, 2014, 02:18:38 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2014, 05:37:54 AM
I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice.

To be honest, I haven't seen the fucking thing shut yet.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2014, 11:05:37 PM: The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2014, 04:44:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2014, 11:05:37 PM
The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2014, 07:05:15 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 21, 2014, 04:44:35 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2014, 11:05:37 PM
The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!

;D ;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 21, 2014, 01:38:27 PM: Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2014, 01:44:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2014, 01:38:27 PM
Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 21, 2014, 02:12:56 PM: it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2014, 02:16:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2014, 02:12:56 PM
it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2014, 02:20:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2014, 02:12:56 PM
it originally said Aldi but I thought Lidl would be betterer for the Smuggers

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 22, 2014, 02:32:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2014, 01:38:27 PM
Recruitment at Lidl

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked; 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE FECKIN' LIGHT, I shat myself!!

'Wally is now working at an Lidl near you!

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2014, 02:21:47 AM: Japanese sex argument

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex :
Husband: Sukitaki. mojitaka
Wife replies: Kowanini! mowi janakpa
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex .
You need serious help!! Sometimes I worry about you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2014, 07:13:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 23, 2014, 02:21:47 AM
Japanese sex argument

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex :
Husband: Sukitaki. mojitaka
Wife replies: Kowanini! mowi janakpa
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex .
You need serious help!! Sometimes I worry about you.

lol: lol: lol:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 23, 2014, 08:51:21 AM: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 23, 2014, 07:29:09 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 23, 2014, 07:13:29 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 23, 2014, 02:21:47 AM
Japanese sex argument

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex :
Husband: Sukitaki. mojitaka
Wife replies: Kowanini! mowi janakpa
Husband says angrily: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex .
You need serious help!! Sometimes I worry about you.

lol: lol: lol:

redface:

An offer of rodi roumi yakoo is not to be sneezed at. All the rage in my younger years. sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 07:58:19 AM: The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait, I fucking love shepherd's Pie.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2014, 08:26:06 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 07:58:19 AM
The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait, I fucking love shepherd's Pie.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2014, 02:33:56 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 07:58:19 AM
The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait, I fucking love shepherd's Pie.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on November 25, 2014, 05:57:23 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 07:58:19 AM
The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait, I fucking love shepherd's Pie.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 25, 2014, 09:18:22 PM: Quote from: Baldy on November 25, 2014, 05:57:23 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 25, 2014, 07:58:19 AM
The missus has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'

I can't wait, I fucking love shepherd's Pie.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2014, 05:09:48 PM: Earlier on, I received a newsletter-type e-mail to a long list of people, from a woman involved in 'saving the environment'. It mentioned a long list of good things done by various people, including a chap I know vaguely called Max Moon.

She had made a typo and referred to him as Wax Moon.

In my usual way, I sent her a light-hearted reply enquiring if Mr Moon had a son called Wayne.

Her reply:

Dear Darwin,

Thanks for the mail.

I am fairly sure his son is called Thomas.

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 28, 2014, 05:13:13 PM: You are such a wag, Mr Darwin, sir :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 28, 2014, 05:59:02 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2014, 05:09:48 PM
Earlier on, I received a newsletter-type e-mail to a long list of people, from a woman involved in 'saving the environment'. It mentioned a long list of good things done by various people, including a chap I know vaguely called Max Moon.

She had made a typo and referred to him as Wax Moon.

In my usual way, I sent her a light-hearted reply enquiring if Mr Moon had a son called Wayne.

Her reply:

Dear Darwin,

Thanks for the mail.

I am fairly sure his son is called Thomas.

doh:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 29, 2014, 11:15:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 28, 2014, 05:59:02 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 28, 2014, 05:09:48 PM
Earlier on, I received a newsletter-type e-mail to a long list of people, from a woman involved in 'saving the environment'. It mentioned a long list of good things done by various people, including a chap I know vaguely called Max Moon.

She had made a typo and referred to him as Wax Moon.

In my usual way, I sent her a light-hearted reply enquiring if Mr Moon had a son called Wayne.

Her reply:

Dear Darwin,

Thanks for the mail.

I am fairly sure his son is called Thomas.

doh:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2014, 07:44:39 AM: With the new Scottish drink limits upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some people have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of some rather nice claret. Feeling a tad jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way back there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past.

I therefore arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never before driven a taxi, I don't know where I got it from and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 10, 2014, 08:13:18 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 10, 2014, 10:17:49 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 10, 2014, 07:44:39 AM
With the new Scottish drink limits upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some people have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of some rather nice claret. Feeling a tad jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way back there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past.

I therefore arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never before driven a taxi, I don't know where I got it from and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Insert bus.............AFFS.......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2014, 10:18:57 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2014, 10:17:49 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 10, 2014, 07:44:39 AM
With the new Scottish drink limits upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some people have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of some rather nice claret. Feeling a tad jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way back there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past.

I therefore arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never before driven a taxi, I don't know where I got it from and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Insert bus.............AFFS.......... noooo:

It was fresh from my inbox.... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 10, 2014, 10:35:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 10, 2014, 07:44:39 AM
With the new Scottish drink limits upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some people have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of some rather nice claret. Feeling a tad jolly I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way back there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past.

I therefore arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never before driven a taxi, I don't know where I got it from and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
(don't care about its Affs rating) happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM: O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 11, 2014, 01:53:36 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM
O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2014, 02:11:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 11, 2014, 01:53:36 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM
O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 11, 2014, 02:23:29 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM
O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 11, 2014, 03:40:56 PM: Quote from: Baldy on December 11, 2014, 02:23:29 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM
O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 11, 2014, 04:25:23 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 11, 2014, 03:40:56 PM
Quote from: Baldy on December 11, 2014, 02:23:29 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2014, 01:51:20 PM
O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them twats, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 17, 2014, 11:43:14 PM: The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class "Well Ms Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick" she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to church with mum and dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said "Well it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 18, 2014, 06:33:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 17, 2014, 11:43:14 PM
The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class "Well Ms Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick" she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to church with mum and dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said "Well it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2014, 05:08:00 PM: A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2014, 05:17:54 PM: And from the same source (bit dated so maybe an Affs but search engine says no)

"I know everyone"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2014, 09:43:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 19, 2014, 05:17:54 PM
And from the same source (bit dated so maybe an Affs but search engine says no)

"I know everyone"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2014, 10:48:04 PM: hree men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2014, 07:40:53 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 19, 2014, 10:48:04 PM
hree men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2014, 01:34:47 PM: (this might well be an Affs)

Following a spate of break-ins recently in our area.

I've torn out my Alarm system, and I’ve de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner, and an IS black flag in the centre.
The Local police, Special Branch and other Intelligence Services are now all watching our house --24/7.
We've never felt safer !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2014, 01:38:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2014, 01:34:47 PM
(this might well be an Affs)

Following a spate of break-ins recently in our area.

I've torn out my Alarm system, and I’ve de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner, and an IS black flag in the centre.
The Local police, Special Branch and other Intelligence Services are now all watching our house --24/7.
We've never felt safer !!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on December 21, 2014, 10:26:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2014, 01:34:47 PM
(this might well be an Affs)

Following a spate of break-ins recently in our area.

I've torn out my Alarm system, and I’ve de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner, and an IS black flag in the centre.
The Local police, Special Branch and other Intelligence Services are now all watching our house --24/7.
We've never felt safer !!

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on December 21, 2014, 11:37:47 AM: Quote from: Baldy on December 21, 2014, 10:26:14 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2014, 01:34:47 PM
(this might well be an Affs)

Following a spate of break-ins recently in our area.

I've torn out my Alarm system, and I’ve de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner, and an IS black flag in the centre.
The Local police, Special Branch and other Intelligence Services are now all watching our house --24/7.
We've never felt safer !!

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2014, 11:08:32 AM: I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 31, 2014, 12:12:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 30, 2014, 11:08:32 AM
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 31, 2014, 01:41:43 PM: Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle. Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." ..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 31, 2014, 01:45:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 31, 2014, 01:41:43 PM
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle. Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." ..

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 31, 2014, 01:57:11 PM: Knighthood for the father of Viagra..............

Arise Sir John Thomas............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2014, 02:20:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 31, 2014, 01:41:43 PM
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle. Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." ..

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2014, 05:43:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 31, 2014, 01:41:43 PM
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle. Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." ..

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 02, 2015, 05:30:22 PM: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 02, 2015, 05:37:40 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 02, 2015, 05:30:22 PM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 04, 2015, 10:56:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2015, 05:37:40 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 02, 2015, 05:30:22 PM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.

;D ;D
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 05, 2015, 07:31:51 PM: Seems it's not all bad for Prince Andrew, he's been asked to play for Oldham Athletic or become head of the BBC.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2015, 07:35:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 05, 2015, 07:31:51 PM
Seems it's not all bad for Prince Andrew, he's been asked to play for Oldham Athletic or become head of the BBC.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 05, 2015, 07:37:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 05, 2015, 07:31:51 PM
Seems it's not all bad for Prince Andrew, he's been asked to play for Oldham Athletic or become head of the BBC.

;D ;D

Oldham Down....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2015, 07:37:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 05, 2015, 07:37:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 05, 2015, 07:31:51 PM
Seems it's not all bad for Prince Andrew, he's been asked to play for Oldham Athletic or become head of the BBC.

;D ;D

Oldham Down....... rubschin:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 09, 2015, 12:27:53 AM: Tragedy

Ed Miliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy. 'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2015, 08:30:55 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2015, 12:27:53 AM
Tragedy

Ed Miliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy. 'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 09, 2015, 09:51:09 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2015, 12:27:53 AM
Tragedy

Ed Miliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy. 'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 10, 2015, 10:50:57 AM: Oldham Athletic have said no to Ched Evans. He has taken that as a yes
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2015, 10:51:25 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 10, 2015, 10:50:57 AM
Oldham Athletic have said no to Ched Evans. He has taken that as a yes

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 10, 2015, 06:37:11 PM: http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/ (http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2015, 11:32:56 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 10, 2015, 06:37:11 PM
http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/ (http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/)
noooo:

Makes you feel so safe flying knowing that nutters like that are on board
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2015, 11:49:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2015, 11:32:56 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 10, 2015, 06:37:11 PM
http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/ (http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/)
noooo:

Makes you feel so safe flying knowing that nutters like that are on board

She even had her nose modeled on Concorde.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 11, 2015, 08:06:41 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2015, 11:49:27 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2015, 11:32:56 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 10, 2015, 06:37:11 PM
http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/ (http://www.boredpanda.com/15th-century-flemish-style-portraits-recreated-in-the-airplane-lavatory/)
noooo:

Makes you feel so safe flying knowing that nutters like that are on board

She even had her nose modeled on Concorde.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 15, 2015, 06:19:25 PM: Man detained after immigrant stabbed in Tesco's,..............

Every little helps............. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2015, 06:48:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 15, 2015, 06:19:25 PM
Man detained after immigrant stabbed in Tesco's,..............

Every little helps............. redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2015, 06:08:20 PM: What does Asda have in common with Down's Syndrome?...................................

Not a great selection of jeans............... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 17, 2015, 10:18:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 17, 2015, 06:08:20 PM
What does Asda have in common with Down's Syndrome?...................................

Not a great selection of jeans............... redface:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 18, 2015, 12:08:39 PM: An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 18, 2015, 01:01:13 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 18, 2015, 12:08:39 PM
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 18, 2015, 01:18:52 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 18, 2015, 12:08:39 PM
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2015, 01:19:02 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on January 18, 2015, 12:08:39 PM
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 18, 2015, 03:31:34 PM: You know you spend too much time reading jokes in here when a Facebook friend's status starts, 'We had to say goodbye to our brave little angel today..." and you think...

This is going to be a belter................................. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2015, 03:38:35 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 18, 2015, 03:31:34 PM
You know you spend too much time reading jokes in here when a Facebook friend's status starts, 'We had to say goodbye to our brave little angel today..." and you think...

This is going to be a belter................................. redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on January 20, 2015, 07:19:08 PM: Darwin Awards for 2014

SIXTH PLACE
Goes to a San Anselmo, CA, man who died, when he hit a lift tower, at the
Mammoth mountain ski area, while riding down the slope, on a foam pad.....
22-year old David Hubal, was pronounced dead, at Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department
said.
"Hubal and his friends, apparently had hiked up a ski run, called Stump
Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers," said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
"The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.
The group apparently used the pads, to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower."
It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one
with its pad removed.

FIFTH PLACE
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32
.
He was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk
threatened to call the Police.
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out, without
paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener, from his throat, where it had choked
him to death.

FOURTH PLACE
Goes to poacher, Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

THIRD PLACE
"Man loses face at party."
A man at a West Virginia party, (probably related to the winner last year.

A man in Arkansas, who used the .22 bullet, to replace the fuse in his
pickup truck,) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering
an explosion, that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
"Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap, as a prank, during
the party, late Tuesday night,"
said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man, had a blasting cap in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
trying to explode it.
It wouldn't go off and this guy said,
"I'll show you how to set it off!"
He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his
lips and tongue off," Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday, with extensive facial
injuries, according to a spokesperson, at Charleston Area Medical Division.

"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Payne said.
(Note: Maybe that's why they call these the Darwin Awards)

SECOND PLACE
Doctors at Portland University Hospital, said an Oregon man shot through the
skull, by a hunting arrow, is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye, last weekend, during an initiation,
into a men's rafting club.
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous,) in Grants Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye.
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood
vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in
Portland, said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow, managed to miss all major
blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own,
he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friend had been drinking that
afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

THIS YEAR'S WINNER

John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert, at the George Washington
amphitheater.
Having no tickets, (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it
would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and
then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop, on the
other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm,) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes
below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket
knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts, to free himself, from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, upon landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope
and tried to pull him to safety, by tying the rope to the pickup truck and
slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed
through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived, to find the crashed pickup, with its driver thrown 100 feet,
from the truck and dead at the scene, from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John deceased, under it, half-naked,
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
and his shorts, dangling from a tree branch, 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations, gentlemen.
Five more idiots have been removed from the gene pool and we are richer
because of your supreme sacrifice.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 20, 2015, 07:24:49 PM: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 20, 2015, 07:47:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 20, 2015, 07:24:49 PM
;D ;D
I shouldn't but lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on January 21, 2015, 10:01:32 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2015, 03:06:02 PM: Last picture of Demis Roussos

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fasset-1.soup.io%2Fasset%2F1537%2F2952_1c68.jpeg&hash=f3b466f5cdb18426d4e0fcb5f5f185c1af519212)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2015, 03:16:32 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2015, 03:06:02 PM
Last picture of Demis Roussos

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fasset-1.soup.io%2Fasset%2F1537%2F2952_1c68.jpeg&hash=f3b466f5cdb18426d4e0fcb5f5f185c1af519212)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2015, 11:16:13 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2015, 01:10:03 AM: Ed Miliband walks into a bank to CASH a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
CASHIER: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
CASHIER: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
CASHIER: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
CASHIER: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

CASHIER: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 30, 2015, 02:53:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2015, 01:10:03 AM
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to CASH a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
CASHIER: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
CASHIER: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
CASHIER: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
CASHIER: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

CASHIER: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

;D ;D

but an AFFS.......I think.......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 07:27:20 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2015, 01:10:03 AM
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to CASH a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
CASHIER: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
CASHIER: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
CASHIER: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
CASHIER: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

CASHIER: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 30, 2015, 09:36:17 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 30, 2015, 07:27:20 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2015, 01:10:03 AM
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to CASH a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
CASHIER: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
CASHIER: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
CASHIER: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
CASHIER: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

CASHIER: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2015, 10:49:18 AM: A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man, under its master's cloak. It is pierced through in the front; it is stiff and hard and it has a good standing-place. When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee, he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that familiar hole of matching length which he has often filled before.

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 11:10:25 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 10:49:18 AM
A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man, under its master's cloak. It is pierced through in the front; it is stiff and hard and it has a good standing-place. When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee, he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that familiar hole of matching length which he has often filled before.

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 30, 2015, 12:18:08 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 10:49:18 AM
A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man, under its master's cloak. It is pierced through in the front; it is stiff and hard and it has a good standing-place. When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee, he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that familiar hole of matching length which he has often filled before.

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Much funnier in the original tongue. :thumbsup:

"Mae chwilfrydedd yn hongian gan y glun o ddyn , o dan glogyn ei meistr . Mae'n cael ei dyllu drwy'r yn y blaen ; ei bod yn stiff ac yn galed ac mae ganddo statws - lle da . Pan fydd y dyn yn tynnu i fyny ei wisg ei hun uwchben ei ben-glin , mae'n ei olygu i brocio gyda'r pennaeth ei beth hongian y twll cyfarwydd o hyd paru mae ef yn aml wedi llenwi o'r blaen ."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 12:50:21 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 30, 2015, 12:18:08 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 10:49:18 AM
A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man, under its master's cloak. It is pierced through in the front; it is stiff and hard and it has a good standing-place. When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee, he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that familiar hole of matching length which he has often filled before.

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001

Much funnier in the original tongue. :thumbsup:

"Mae chwilfrydedd yn hongian gan y glun o ddyn , o dan glogyn ei meistr . Mae'n cael ei dyllu drwy'r yn y blaen ; ei bod yn stiff ac yn galed ac mae ganddo statws - lle da . Pan fydd y dyn yn tynnu i fyny ei wisg ei hun uwchben ei ben-glin , mae'n ei olygu i brocio gyda'r pennaeth ei beth hongian y twll cyfarwydd o hyd paru mae ef yn aml wedi llenwi o'r blaen ."

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2015, 02:04:11 PM: I agree Mr Darwin, sir, but I feared that BM and one or two others of the cerebrally challenged would struggle to unlock the meaning whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 02:11:04 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 02:04:11 PM
I agree Mr Darwin, sir, but I feared that BM and one or two others of the cerebrally challenged would struggle to unlock the meaning whistle:

My stepfather was from Merthyr Tydfil... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2015, 02:17:04 PM: My sympathies
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2015, 02:17:34 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 02:04:11 PM
I agree Mr Darwin, sir, but I feared that BM and one or two others of the cerebrally challenged would struggle to unlock the meaning whistle:
it wasn't exactly more than a wanker's ramblings whatever language you put it in

Quote from: Barman on January 30, 2015, 02:11:04 PM
My stepfather was from Merthyr Tydfil... ::)
An escapee! One of the few to make it. Which tunnel was he in, Tom, Dick or Harry?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 02:23:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2015, 02:17:34 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 02:04:11 PM
I agree Mr Darwin, sir, but I feared that BM and one or two others of the cerebrally challenged would struggle to unlock the meaning whistle:
it wasn't exactly more than a wanker's ramblings whatever language you put it in

Quote from: Barman on January 30, 2015, 02:11:04 PM
My stepfather was from Merthyr Tydfil... ::)
An escapee! One of the few to make it. Which tunnel was he in, Tom, Dick or Harry?

lol: lol: lol:

Apparently (or so he claimed), the careers advice when it came to leaving school was 'you'll be going down the pits'..... noooo:

...he said that he replied "I bloody won't sir!". He left Merthyr and got a job at Mars in Slough where he worked until he retired....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2015, 02:41:48 PM: good for him :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2015, 02:44:41 PM: Merthyr Tydfil to Slough noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2015, 02:59:37 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 02:44:41 PM
Merthyr Tydfil to Slough noooo:

There are some very interesting things to see in Merthyr Tydfil. Well as long as the cinema is still showing Fifty Shades and American Sniper that is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2015, 03:01:36 PM: I drove through it on the M4 once. It looks like the inside of a transistor radio noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2015, 03:06:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2015, 02:59:37 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on January 30, 2015, 02:44:41 PM
Merthyr Tydfil to Slough noooo:

There are some very interesting things to see in Merthyr Tydfil. Well as long as the cinema is still showing Fifty Shades and American Sniper that is.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM: Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 01, 2015, 10:26:51 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM
Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 01, 2015, 10:31:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM
Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:

AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 10:32:33 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 01, 2015, 10:31:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM
Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:

AFFS!

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 01, 2015, 10:33:07 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 01, 2015, 10:31:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM
Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:

AFFS!

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 01, 2015, 11:14:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2015, 09:45:41 PM
Isn't this thread fucking brilliant...............

It's the only place in the world that you can happily make jokes about blind, dyslexic, autistic, Pakis, coons quadriplegic and sexually abused five-year-old girls all day long......

but you face moral outrage if you dare to duplicate an old joke............. rubschin:
:thumbsup:

We should be harsh on Affs and harsh on the causes of Affs (unluckily for Mr and Mrs Affs)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2015, 06:39:38 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 03, 2015, 10:04:09 PM: The Government is voting on whether to allow babies to be created with the DNA from 3 or more people..........

I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Price has been doing it for years........... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 03, 2015, 10:06:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 03, 2015, 10:04:09 PM
The Government is voting on whether to allow babies to be created with the DNA from 3 or more people..........

I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Price has been doing it for years........... noooo:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2015, 10:09:21 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 03, 2015, 10:06:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 03, 2015, 10:04:09 PM
The Government is voting on whether to allow babies to be created with the DNA from 3 or more people..........

I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Price has been doing it for years........... noooo:

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 05, 2015, 06:52:24 PM: Jordan has just executed a female suicide bomber................

Personally, I think these Celebrity Big Brother challenges are getting a little bit too extreme. ................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 05, 2015, 06:54:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2015, 06:52:24 PM
Jordan has just executed a female suicide bomber................

Personally, I think these Celebrity Big Brother challenges are getting a little bit too extreme. ................ noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 06, 2015, 04:39:38 PM: How German sounds compared to other languages (full) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FXaB-F4pC0#ws)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 06, 2015, 06:11:09 PM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 10, 2015, 08:07:18 PM: Bobbi Kristina's family have said they are thinking of pulling the plug.........

A week too late, if you ask me......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 10, 2015, 10:03:18 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 10, 2015, 10:11:04 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2015, 03:15:35 PM: I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick......

but no cvnt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 13, 2015, 03:22:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2015, 03:15:35 PM
I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick......

but no cvnt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2015, 03:33:58 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 13, 2015, 03:22:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2015, 03:15:35 PM
I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick......

but no cvnt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?................ noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2015, 03:53:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2015, 03:33:58 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 13, 2015, 03:22:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2015, 03:15:35 PM
I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick......

but no cvnt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?................ noooo:

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 13, 2015, 05:35:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2015, 03:53:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2015, 03:33:58 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 13, 2015, 03:22:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2015, 03:15:35 PM
I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick......

but no cvnt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?................ noooo:

happy001

happy001 happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 13, 2015, 06:21:17 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 14, 2015, 11:20:07 AM: I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2015, 11:21:04 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 14, 2015, 11:20:07 AM
I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 14, 2015, 11:21:42 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2015, 11:21:04 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 14, 2015, 11:20:07 AM
I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 11:32:14 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 14, 2015, 11:20:07 AM
I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 14, 2015, 03:09:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 14, 2015, 11:21:42 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2015, 11:21:04 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 14, 2015, 11:20:07 AM
I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:25:50 PM: Apparently women are more likely to give circumcised men blowjobs, rather than uncircumcised....I guess they can't resist anything with fuckin 10% off!..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:26:15 PM: A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2015, 03:28:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 14, 2015, 03:25:50 PM
Apparently women are more likely to give circumcised men blowjobs, rather than uncircumcised....I guess they can't resist anything with fuckin 10% off!..

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 14, 2015, 06:11:41 PM: happy001 both
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2015, 11:30:15 PM: ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 15, 2015, 09:02:43 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 16, 2015, 12:10:24 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimg.org%2Fvaof7lwi3%2Fimage.jpg&hash=db37400115b7d438b90b854056bf5bddc1a7c03d) (http://postimg.org/image/vaof7lwi3/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2015, 12:26:42 PM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 16, 2015, 12:10:24 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimg.org%2Fvaof7lwi3%2Fimage.jpg&hash=db37400115b7d438b90b854056bf5bddc1a7c03d) (http://postimg.org/image/vaof7lwi3/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 16, 2015, 12:32:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 16, 2015, 12:26:42 PM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on February 16, 2015, 12:10:24 PM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs1.postimg.org%2Fvaof7lwi3%2Fimage.jpg&hash=db37400115b7d438b90b854056bf5bddc1a7c03d) (http://postimg.org/image/vaof7lwi3/)

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on February 16, 2015, 02:53:23 PM: After lots of searching on internet dating sites I met the girl of my dreams and agreed to meet the next day.

She was just just gorgeous, stunning in fact. There was an instant spark between us as I kissed her hello.

She fell into my arms and went weak at the knees in my presence.

Taisers really do have the desired effect
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 16, 2015, 03:02:50 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on February 16, 2015, 02:53:23 PM
After lots of searching on internet dating sites I met the girl of my dreams and agreed to meet the next day.

She was just just gorgeous, stunning in fact. There was an instant spark between us as I kissed her hello.

She fell into my arms and went weak at the knees in my presence.

Taisers really do have the desired effect
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2015, 03:06:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 16, 2015, 03:02:50 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on February 16, 2015, 02:53:23 PM
After lots of searching on internet dating sites I met the girl of my dreams and agreed to meet the next day.

She was just just gorgeous, stunning in fact. There was an instant spark between us as I kissed her hello.

She fell into my arms and went weak at the knees in my presence.

Taisers really do have the desired effect
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on February 17, 2015, 10:53:21 AM: 50 Grayish Shades . . . . !!

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . in and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .

Between her breasts . . . .

And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . .
With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . .

Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first,

Then began to groan louder . . . .

Finally . . . . Totally exhausted . . . .

She let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted . . . . :

.......

..........................

......................................

.....................................................

"OK, OK, you smug bastard,

I can't parallel park . . . .

You do it . . . . !!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 17, 2015, 11:42:57 AM: happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 17, 2015, 11:50:00 AM: My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 17, 2015, 11:53:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 17, 2015, 11:50:00 AM
My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 17, 2015, 12:14:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2015, 11:53:26 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 17, 2015, 11:50:00 AM
My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 17, 2015, 01:22:45 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 17, 2015, 11:50:00 AM
My poor grandmother has had Alzheimer's for several years now; I guess I should be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 20, 2015, 02:16:17 PM: FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my blackish hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 20, 2015, 09:21:07 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 21, 2015, 06:24:19 AM: Three east London schoolgirls have flown to Turkey and there are fears they may cross the Syrian border and join the Islamic State terrorists.............

The original request was for 72, but that's east London for you............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 21, 2015, 06:28:04 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 21, 2015, 06:24:19 AM
Three east London schoolgirls have flown to Turkey and there are fears they may cross the Syrian border and join the Islamic State terrorists.............

The original request was for 72, but that's east London for you............ noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 21, 2015, 06:36:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 21, 2015, 06:24:19 AM
Three east London schoolgirls have flown to Turkey and there are fears they may cross the Syrian border and join the Islamic State terrorists.............

The original request was for 72, but that's east London for you............ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 21, 2015, 02:57:01 PM: Quote from: Baldy on February 21, 2015, 06:36:56 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 21, 2015, 06:24:19 AM
Three east London schoolgirls have flown to Turkey and there are fears they may cross the Syrian border and join the Islamic State terrorists.............

The original request was for 72, but that's east London for you............ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM: A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2015, 09:43:30 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 22, 2015, 09:45:31 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 22, 2015, 09:52:49 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 22, 2015, 09:45:31 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 22, 2015, 10:52:36 AM: Quote from: Baldy on February 22, 2015, 09:52:49 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 22, 2015, 09:45:31 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 22, 2015, 11:40:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2015, 10:52:36 AM
Quote from: Baldy on February 22, 2015, 09:52:49 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 22, 2015, 09:45:31 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
A man walks into a book shop in Tower Hamlets and asks if they have a
book on UKIP policies.

The shopkeeper says,
“Fuck off, get out and don’t come back”

The man says,
“Yes, that’s the one"

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2015, 10:58:18 AM: Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'...........

Next week's Sun - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2015, 12:05:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2015, 10:58:18 AM
Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'...........

Next week's Sun - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.........

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on February 25, 2015, 09:37:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2015, 10:58:18 AM
Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'...........

Next week's Sun - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2015, 08:58:02 PM: An Affs? Well whatever . . .

Mickey The Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Mickey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

Well, Mickey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Mickey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months holiday and five dead certs for Saturday night...'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 02, 2015, 09:25:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2015, 08:58:02 PM
An Affs? Well whatever . . .

Mickey The Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Mickey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

Well, Mickey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Mickey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months holiday and five dead certs for Saturday night...'

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2015, 10:20:50 AM: So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"........

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "the term is FORE you ignorant cvnt".......

Then the plane hit them.............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 16, 2015, 10:57:24 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2015, 10:20:50 AM
So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"........

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "the term is FORE you ignorant cvnt".......

Then the plane hit them.............

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2015, 11:03:30 AM: Quote from: Baldy on March 16, 2015, 10:57:24 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2015, 10:20:50 AM
So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"........

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "the term is FORE you ignorant cvnt".......

Then the plane hit them.............

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2015, 12:08:37 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2015, 11:03:30 AM
Quote from: Baldy on March 16, 2015, 10:57:24 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2015, 10:20:50 AM
So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"........

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "the term is FORE you ignorant cvnt".......

Then the plane hit them.............

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2015, 03:25:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 16, 2015, 12:08:37 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 16, 2015, 11:03:30 AM
Quote from: Baldy on March 16, 2015, 10:57:24 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2015, 10:20:50 AM
So there I was on the golf course, when I bellowed out, "FORD"........

The two guys ahead turned round and shouted back, "the term is FORE you ignorant cvnt".......

Then the plane hit them.............

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 17, 2015, 05:37:17 PM: The Dwarf

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the OWNER of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the OWNER. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the OWNER shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the OWNER is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2015, 06:24:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 17, 2015, 05:37:17 PM
The Dwarf

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the OWNER of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the OWNER. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the OWNER shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the OWNER is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 19, 2015, 09:40:56 AM: Yeoman Warden At Tower Of London, Part II Of Four (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ#ws) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM: Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 25, 2015, 08:45:21 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM
Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 25, 2015, 08:47:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 25, 2015, 08:45:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM
Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2015, 08:55:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM
Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on March 26, 2015, 08:52:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 25, 2015, 08:47:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 25, 2015, 08:45:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM
Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 27, 2015, 08:45:36 AM: Quote from: Baldy on March 26, 2015, 08:52:07 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 25, 2015, 08:47:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 25, 2015, 08:45:21 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2015, 08:40:40 PM
Bloody WiFi went down at home last night so I had to talk to the missus.
Apparently she doesn't work at Woolworths any more

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on March 28, 2015, 12:35:05 PM: "Knock , knock "
"Who's there ? "
"The pilot !"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2015, 12:35:53 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on March 28, 2015, 12:35:05 PM
"Knock , knock "
"Who's there ? "
"The pilot !"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2015, 01:34:14 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on March 28, 2015, 12:35:05 PM
"Knock , knock "
"Who's there ? "
"The pilot !"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2015, 02:26:40 PM: Do Animals stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"

But before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2015, 02:29:25 PM: Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2015, 02:33:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 28, 2015, 02:29:25 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2015, 03:03:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 28, 2015, 02:26:40 PM
Do Animals stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"

But before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 30, 2015, 09:39:15 AM: My wife told me that her fantasy shag would be Brad Pitt.........

Then she went mental because I told her mine...........

Apparently Vicky from next door is neither a celebrity nor thirteen yet........... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 30, 2015, 09:55:15 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 30, 2015, 09:39:15 AM
My wife told me that her fantasy shag would be Brad Pitt.........

Then she went mental because I told her mine...........

Apparently Vicky from next door is neither a celebrity nor thirteen yet........... redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 02:43:38 PM: It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some for ''plain simple methods for suicide''........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 03, 2015, 10:19:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 02:43:38 PM
It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some for ''plain simple methods for suicide''........ rubschin:

I bet his mum is getting fed up with the junk texts asking "Do you know someone who was hurt at work?".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 10:21:38 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 03, 2015, 10:19:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 02:43:38 PM
It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some for ''plain simple methods for suicide''........ rubschin:

I bet his mum is getting fed up with the junk texts asking "Do you know someone who was hurt at work?".

She should get a jumbo claim...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 03, 2015, 10:27:59 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 03, 2015, 10:19:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 02:43:38 PM
It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some for ''plain simple methods for suicide''........ rubschin:

I bet his mum is getting fed up with the junk texts asking "Do you know someone who was hurt at work?".
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2015, 05:08:42 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 03, 2015, 10:19:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2015, 02:43:38 PM
It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some for ''plain simple methods for suicide''........ rubschin:

I bet his mum is getting fed up with the junk texts asking "Do you know someone who was hurt at work?".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2015, 06:47:20 AM: A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.

They start to undress and he says, “God, I never realised that your tits were this small.”

The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the lobby another guy comes down the hall. The first man said, “Hey, What happened?”

“Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, ‘Oh I never knew your arse was that big.’ and she threw me out just like that.

Just then a third guy, also on his wedding night, comes storming into the lobby.

“Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?” ask the first two men.

“No,” says the third guy, “but I bloody well could have.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2015, 06:59:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 04, 2015, 06:47:20 AM
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.

They start to undress and he says, “God, I never realised that your tits were this small.”

The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

While he is sitting in the lobby another guy comes down the hall. The first man said, “Hey, What happened?”

“Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, ‘Oh I never knew your arse was that big.’ and she threw me out just like that.

Just then a third guy, also on his wedding night, comes storming into the lobby.

“Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?” ask the first two men.

“No,” says the third guy, “but I bloody well could have.”
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 08, 2015, 11:04:35 AM: I've been listening to Pharrell Williams today.............

Clap along if you feel like a mosque without a roof...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 08, 2015, 05:46:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 08, 2015, 11:04:35 AM
I've been listening to Pharrell Williams today.............

Clap along if you feel like a mosque without a roof...........
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 17, 2015, 07:38:19 PM: I've resigned from me job at the helium balloon factory....I'm not being spoken to like that!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2015, 07:53:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 17, 2015, 07:38:19 PM
I've resigned from me job at the helium balloon factory....I'm not being spoken to like that!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2015, 10:06:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 17, 2015, 07:53:18 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 17, 2015, 07:38:19 PM
I've resigned from me job at the helium balloon factory....I'm not being spoken to like that!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 17, 2015, 11:32:33 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 17, 2015, 07:38:19 PM
I've resigned from me job at the helium balloon factory....I'm not being spoken to like that!

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 20, 2015, 06:07:51 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2Fncsgkrpol%2Fbros_when_will_i_be_famous.jpg&hash=26e7ecf74f8df5636f8c42cd4b8fc2d9521f73d7) (http://postimg.org/image/ncsgkrpol/)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2015, 06:23:32 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 20, 2015, 06:07:51 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2Fncsgkrpol%2Fbros_when_will_i_be_famous.jpg&hash=26e7ecf74f8df5636f8c42cd4b8fc2d9521f73d7) (http://postimg.org/image/ncsgkrpol/)

lol:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 20, 2015, 08:03:50 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 20, 2015, 06:07:51 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2Fncsgkrpol%2Fbros_when_will_i_be_famous.jpg&hash=26e7ecf74f8df5636f8c42cd4b8fc2d9521f73d7) (http://postimg.org/image/ncsgkrpol/)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 20, 2015, 11:42:03 AM: Quote from: Baldy on April 20, 2015, 08:03:50 AM
Quote from: Just One More on April 20, 2015, 06:07:51 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2Fncsgkrpol%2Fbros_when_will_i_be_famous.jpg&hash=26e7ecf74f8df5636f8c42cd4b8fc2d9521f73d7) (http://postimg.org/image/ncsgkrpol/)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 22, 2015, 06:56:21 PM: Tesco has reported a record loss of £6.4 billion..........

Well that's what you get for gambling on horses....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2015, 07:13:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 22, 2015, 06:56:21 PM
Tesco has reported a record loss of £6.4 billion..........

Well that's what you get for gambling on horses....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 22, 2015, 09:12:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 22, 2015, 07:13:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 22, 2015, 06:56:21 PM
Tesco has reported a record loss of £6.4 billion..........

Well that's what you get for gambling on horses....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 22, 2015, 09:14:11 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 22, 2015, 09:12:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 22, 2015, 07:13:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 22, 2015, 06:56:21 PM
Tesco has reported a record loss of £6.4 billion..........

Well that's what you get for gambling on horses....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 26, 2015, 12:49:42 PM: http://www.dullestblog.com/ (http://www.dullestblog.com/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 26, 2015, 12:51:28 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 26, 2015, 12:49:42 PM
http://www.dullestblog.com/ (http://www.dullestblog.com/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 26, 2015, 02:20:26 PM: http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/ (http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 26, 2015, 02:29:01 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 26, 2015, 02:20:26 PM
http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/ (http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Baldy on April 26, 2015, 09:44:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2015, 02:29:01 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 26, 2015, 02:20:26 PM
http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/ (http://www.facebook.com/joey.lynch.35/videos/10152618706709780/)

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2015, 04:31:36 PM: 78 muslims were killed in the earthquake in Nepal on Everest.......

It looks like the mountain finally came to Mohammed............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2015, 05:53:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 27, 2015, 04:31:36 PM
78 muslims were killed in the earthquake in Nepal on Everest.......

It looks like the mountain finally came to Mohammed............

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on April 27, 2015, 07:28:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 27, 2015, 05:53:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 27, 2015, 04:31:36 PM
78 muslims were killed in the earthquake in Nepal on Everest.......

It looks like the mountain finally came to Mohammed............

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 27, 2015, 09:15:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2015, 12:51:28 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on April 26, 2015, 12:49:42 PM
http://www.dullestblog.com/ (http://www.dullestblog.com/)

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM: Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM: Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 02, 2015, 11:00:00 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2015, 12:54:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2015, 11:00:00 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

AFFS (mione)...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 02, 2015, 08:08:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2015, 11:00:00 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2015, 01:38:46 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:

Oi.... cussing:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.1560 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.1560)

you didn't laugh at mine...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2015, 06:59:47 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2015, 01:38:46 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2015, 07:48:06 AM
Quote from: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on May 02, 2015, 07:39:05 AM
Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile walki into an Irish bar . . .

The barman says . . .

"Oh no, not yewtree again"

lol: lol: lol:

Oi.... cussing:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.1560 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.1560)

you didn't laugh at mine...

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 03, 2015, 07:16:03 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2Fhqqgzhlfx%2Fbabby.jpg&hash=3a14ff7ad490b72e5d08631ca77f450d9d93a200) (http://postimg.org/image/hqqgzhlfx/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2015, 07:23:35 AM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 03, 2015, 07:16:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2Fhqqgzhlfx%2Fbabby.jpg&hash=3a14ff7ad490b72e5d08631ca77f450d9d93a200) (http://postimg.org/image/hqqgzhlfx/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2015, 11:17:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2015, 07:23:35 AM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 03, 2015, 07:16:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2Fhqqgzhlfx%2Fbabby.jpg&hash=3a14ff7ad490b72e5d08631ca77f450d9d93a200) (http://postimg.org/image/hqqgzhlfx/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 07, 2015, 02:37:29 PM: Errol Brown has died. You don't remember him do you

Errol Brown RIP. Apparently he suffered a bladder problem, which he only recently discovered. ;
It started with a piss.

Errol Brown has died, I reckon he will resurrect in a few days.
I believe in miracles

Hot Chocolate lead singer Errol Brown has died aged 71 after a battle with cancer.
It started with a cyst.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 07, 2015, 02:38:40 PM: Boring there is it? ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on May 07, 2015, 02:41:28 PM: Oh yes ... noooo:
Barbara Windsor been in with her not so young toyboy ...when is a tomboy no longer a toyboy ????
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 07, 2015, 02:42:56 PM: WHen he stops being ginger?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 10, 2015, 02:52:24 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fcxd1x8ton%2Fwrong.jpg&hash=c866045f2d12520235da752808e65b29fb3ca543) (http://postimg.org/image/cxd1x8ton/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 10, 2015, 02:53:21 PM: Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 10, 2015, 02:52:24 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fcxd1x8ton%2Fwrong.jpg&hash=c866045f2d12520235da752808e65b29fb3ca543) (http://postimg.org/image/cxd1x8ton/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2015, 03:17:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 10, 2015, 02:53:21 PM
Quote from: Nick (I am me again officially) on May 10, 2015, 02:52:24 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fcxd1x8ton%2Fwrong.jpg&hash=c866045f2d12520235da752808e65b29fb3ca543) (http://postimg.org/image/cxd1x8ton/)

;D

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 10, 2015, 07:34:25 PM: Ironically, if you voted for the Green Party last week......

you just wasted a piece of paper.............. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2015, 07:39:47 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 10, 2015, 07:34:25 PM
Ironically, if you voted for the Green Party last week......

you just wasted a piece of paper.............. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 11, 2015, 10:06:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 10, 2015, 07:39:47 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 10, 2015, 07:34:25 PM
Ironically, if you voted for the Green Party last week......

you just wasted a piece of paper.............. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 14, 2015, 10:40:41 AM: These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2015, 10:44:03 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 14, 2015, 10:40:41 AM
These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2015, 10:50:11 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 14, 2015, 10:40:41 AM
These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2015, 10:52:07 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 14, 2015, 10:40:41 AM
These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 14, 2015, 10:58:29 AM: Sociologists have suggested that Africans are the most friendly people in the world.

I completely agree. During my last Mediterranean cruise, they were waving to us frantically from passing dinghies. Lovely people.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2015, 11:00:18 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 14, 2015, 10:58:29 AM
Sociologists have suggested that Africans are the most friendly people in the world.

I completely agree. During my last Mediterranean cruise, they were waving to us frantically from passing dinghies. Lovely people.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2015, 11:02:37 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 14, 2015, 10:58:29 AM
Sociologists have suggested that Africans are the most friendly people in the world.

I completely agree. During my last Mediterranean cruise, they were waving to us frantically from passing dinghies. Lovely people.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM: "If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 19, 2015, 08:58:52 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM
"If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 19, 2015, 11:44:40 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM
"If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns

;D ;D ;D ;D

was a bit slow on that one.....just heard the news,,,, redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2015, 07:20:26 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 19, 2015, 11:44:40 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM
"If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns

;D ;D ;D ;D

was a bit slow on that one.....just heard the news,,,, redface:

I don't get it... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 20, 2015, 07:43:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 20, 2015, 07:20:26 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 19, 2015, 11:44:40 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM
"If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns

;D ;D ;D ;D

was a bit slow on that one.....just heard the news,,,, redface:

I don't get it... redface:

http://news.sky.com/story/1486791/thomas-cook-faces-corfu-deaths-backlash (http://news.sky.com/story/1486791/thomas-cook-faces-corfu-deaths-backlash)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2015, 12:56:58 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 20, 2015, 07:43:21 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 20, 2015, 07:20:26 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 19, 2015, 11:44:40 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 19, 2015, 08:17:17 AM
"If only we had booked with Thomas Cook..."

...said the McCanns

;D ;D ;D ;D

was a bit slow on that one.....just heard the news,,,, redface:

I don't get it... redface:

http://news.sky.com/story/1486791/thomas-cook-faces-corfu-deaths-backlash (http://news.sky.com/story/1486791/thomas-cook-faces-corfu-deaths-backlash)

I heard it on the wireless this morning... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2015, 09:08:25 PM: The Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least two kilos”, said his doctor.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 20 kilos!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I was going to drop dead dat tird day”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.

“No, from de bloody skippin’!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2015, 02:57:48 PM: A strike and blockade at Calais caused chaos and lengthy backlogs.

It was so bad that travellers were advised to check before they left Africa.

happy001

Stolen from Guido's comments.... ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 24, 2015, 03:14:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 24, 2015, 02:57:48 PM

A strike and blockade at Calais caused chaos and lengthy backlogs.

It was so bad that travellers were advised to check before they left Africa.

happy001

Stolen from Guido's comments.... ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 24, 2015, 04:11:44 PM: St Pancreas is full of vast crowds of hot and angry Frogs trying to get on Eurostar.

And who exactly set fire to those tyres my froggy pals??? eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2015, 04:21:26 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 24, 2015, 04:11:44 PM
St Pancreas is full of vast crowds of hot and angry Frogs trying to get on Eurostar.

And who exactly set fire to those tyres my froggy pals??? eveilgrin:

inane:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 01, 2015, 05:41:37 AM: I'm opening a restaurant gonna call it "Peace and Quiet"

Kids meals will start at £250 a head :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2015, 05:45:06 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 01, 2015, 05:41:37 AM
I'm opening a restaurant gonna call it "Peace and Quiet"

Kids meals will start at £250 a head :thumbsup:

Book me in! ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 01, 2015, 05:52:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 01, 2015, 05:45:06 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 01, 2015, 05:41:37 AM
I'm opening a restaurant gonna call it "Peace and Quiet"

Kids meals will start at £250 a head :thumbsup:

Book me in! ;D

:thumbsup: Sounds like heaven cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 01, 2015, 08:48:27 PM: Quote from: boogs on July 01, 2015, 05:52:34 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 01, 2015, 05:45:06 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 01, 2015, 05:41:37 AM
I'm opening a restaurant gonna call it "Peace and Quiet"

Kids meals will start at £250 a head :thumbsup:

Book me in! ;D

:thumbsup: Sounds like heaven cloud9:
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 01, 2015, 10:15:01 PM: How to annoy four sets of geeks with one photo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs29.postimg.org%2Fcagv41zf7%2F4geeks.jpg&hash=bcaa9b4a382e721e4df5519ac20a0b48a23ac874) (http://postimg.org/image/cagv41zf7/)

(found on The Poke (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/))
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 02, 2015, 10:08:22 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 01, 2015, 10:15:01 PM
How to annoy four sets of geeks with one photo:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs29.postimg.org%2Fcagv41zf7%2F4geeks.jpg&hash=bcaa9b4a382e721e4df5519ac20a0b48a23ac874) (http://postimg.org/image/cagv41zf7/)

(found on The Poke (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/))

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 17, 2015, 12:18:43 AM: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 26, 2015, 09:35:26 AM: Ironic a bottle of rohypnol has best before date on it...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 26, 2015, 09:36:11 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 26, 2015, 09:35:26 AM
Ironic a bottle of rohypnol has best before date on it...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 26, 2015, 02:47:46 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 26, 2015, 09:35:26 AM
Ironic a bottle of rohypnol has best before date on it...

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 26, 2015, 04:19:14 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F70vf2e82h%2Fthai.jpg&hash=ef79746ea145dd9ba34d8047a698ad2c33068dc7) (http://postimg.org/image/70vf2e82h/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 27, 2015, 03:30:03 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 26, 2015, 04:19:14 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs12.postimg.org%2F70vf2e82h%2Fthai.jpg&hash=ef79746ea145dd9ba34d8047a698ad2c33068dc7) (http://postimg.org/image/70vf2e82h/)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 31, 2015, 10:33:46 PM: A bit Affs maybe, but I am sure some new ones have been added.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world economy explained with just two cows...

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

One of them is a horse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 31, 2015, 10:45:12 PM: lol: lol: lol: very topical update
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2015, 04:00:25 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 31, 2015, 10:45:12 PM
lol: lol: lol: very topical update

lol: lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 07, 2015, 12:58:05 PM: The Bin Laden family really should have remembered that they never taught their pilots how to actually land planes........

(not so fresh redface: )..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 07, 2015, 01:00:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 07, 2015, 12:58:05 PM
The Bin Laden family really should have remembered that they never taught their pilots how to actually land planes........

(not so fresh redface: )..

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 08, 2015, 10:27:12 AM: New TV Campaign

To be shown all over Africa, asking them to send £3 a month so that the people of Lancashire can have clean drinking water.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on August 08, 2015, 01:27:22 PM: The only Australian who won't definitely be out by lunchtime is Rolf Harris.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 08, 2015, 02:28:27 PM: Quote from: beerhead on August 08, 2015, 01:27:22 PM
The only Australian who won't definitely be out by lunchtime is Rolf Harris.

AFFS! whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=13097.msg568896#msg568896 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=13097.msg568896#msg568896)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 08, 2015, 02:32:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 08, 2015, 02:28:27 PM
Quote from: beerhead on August 08, 2015, 01:27:22 PM
The only Australian who won't definitely be out by lunchtime is Rolf Harris.

AFFS! whistle:

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=13097.msg568896#msg568896 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=13097.msg568896#msg568896)

Time for my Cilla joke.... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:12:07 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2F4deyx2icl%2Faustralian_cricket_bats.jpg&hash=1b073fdd5d8ba09a41a3f498f81d024a181d0dde) (http://postimg.org/image/4deyx2icl/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:13:26 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimg.org%2F4liykx07j%2Fvan_morrison.jpg&hash=018299bab2dea7fe23e2e21062eec7925d050a59) (http://postimg.org/image/4liykx07j/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 09, 2015, 10:30:56 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:12:07 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2F4deyx2icl%2Faustralian_cricket_bats.jpg&hash=1b073fdd5d8ba09a41a3f498f81d024a181d0dde) (http://postimg.org/image/4deyx2icl/)

AFFS....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 09, 2015, 10:32:01 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:13:26 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimg.org%2F4liykx07j%2Fvan_morrison.jpg&hash=018299bab2dea7fe23e2e21062eec7925d050a59) (http://postimg.org/image/4liykx07j/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 10, 2015, 04:44:42 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 09, 2015, 10:30:56 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:12:07 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2F4deyx2icl%2Faustralian_cricket_bats.jpg&hash=1b073fdd5d8ba09a41a3f498f81d024a181d0dde) (http://postimg.org/image/4deyx2icl/)

AFFS....

I have been very busy and don't have time to read all this shite ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 10, 2015, 06:26:22 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:13:26 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs11.postimg.org%2F4liykx07j%2Fvan_morrison.jpg&hash=018299bab2dea7fe23e2e21062eec7925d050a59) (http://postimg.org/image/4liykx07j/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 10, 2015, 06:26:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 10, 2015, 04:44:42 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 09, 2015, 10:30:56 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 09, 2015, 10:12:07 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs18.postimg.org%2F4deyx2icl%2Faustralian_cricket_bats.jpg&hash=1b073fdd5d8ba09a41a3f498f81d024a181d0dde) (http://postimg.org/image/4deyx2icl/)

AFFS....

I have been very busy and don't have time to read all this shite ;)

AFFS! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 11, 2015, 07:44:03 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Frz9auhnyv%2Farms.jpg&hash=0283bc2776773e5111345ea6ce2de36104f67bc1) (http://postimg.org/image/rz9auhnyv/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 11, 2015, 09:06:26 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 11, 2015, 07:44:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Frz9auhnyv%2Farms.jpg&hash=0283bc2776773e5111345ea6ce2de36104f67bc1) (http://postimg.org/image/rz9auhnyv/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 11, 2015, 09:43:08 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 11, 2015, 09:06:26 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 11, 2015, 07:44:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Frz9auhnyv%2Farms.jpg&hash=0283bc2776773e5111345ea6ce2de36104f67bc1) (http://postimg.org/image/rz9auhnyv/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 11, 2015, 11:59:32 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 11, 2015, 09:43:08 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 11, 2015, 09:06:26 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 11, 2015, 07:44:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Frz9auhnyv%2Farms.jpg&hash=0283bc2776773e5111345ea6ce2de36104f67bc1) (http://postimg.org/image/rz9auhnyv/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 11, 2015, 10:00:19 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on August 11, 2015, 11:59:32 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 11, 2015, 09:43:08 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 11, 2015, 09:06:26 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 11, 2015, 07:44:03 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Frz9auhnyv%2Farms.jpg&hash=0283bc2776773e5111345ea6ce2de36104f67bc1) (http://postimg.org/image/rz9auhnyv/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 13, 2015, 04:23:50 PM: I'm at one of those Swiss suicide clinics, do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning...?

...fucking Cheerios.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 13, 2015, 04:25:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 13, 2015, 04:23:50 PM
I'm at one of those Swiss suicide clinics, do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning...?

...fucking Cheerios.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 16, 2015, 07:16:17 AM: The majority of 15 year-olds in Liverpool are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause trouble.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 16, 2015, 07:18:33 AM: noooo: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2015, 08:10:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2015, 07:16:17 AM
The majority of 15 year-olds in Liverpool are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause trouble.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 16, 2015, 02:28:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2015, 07:16:17 AM
The majority of 15 year-olds in Liverpool are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause trouble.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 16, 2015, 07:16:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2015, 02:28:40 PM
Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2015, 07:16:17 AM
The majority of 15 year-olds in Liverpool are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause trouble.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 21, 2015, 11:21:26 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2F3pp3l2xcr%2Fethel.jpg&hash=d52bfadaf3838048a7a186aeabfefb5fb93cc891) (http://postimg.org/image/3pp3l2xcr/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 21, 2015, 12:54:08 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 21, 2015, 11:21:26 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2F3pp3l2xcr%2Fethel.jpg&hash=d52bfadaf3838048a7a186aeabfefb5fb93cc891) (http://postimg.org/image/3pp3l2xcr/)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 25, 2015, 07:37:27 AM: Clowns divorce. Custardy battle happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 25, 2015, 08:35:42 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 25, 2015, 07:37:27 AM
Clowns divorce. Custardy battle happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

lol: lol: lol:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpbfcomics.com%2Farchive_b%2FPBF258-Honk.png&hash=e5ddf7a8744a0d265aece3c539d664929fa4dd24)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 25, 2015, 08:40:40 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 25, 2015, 08:35:42 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 25, 2015, 07:37:27 AM
Clowns divorce. Custardy battle happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 25, 2015, 08:35:42 AM
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpbfcomics.com%2Farchive_b%2FPBF258-Honk.png&hash=e5ddf7a8744a0d265aece3c539d664929fa4dd24)
Can I see bent garage doors?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 25, 2015, 12:12:32 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 25, 2015, 07:37:27 AM
Clowns divorce. Custardy battle happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 30, 2015, 06:15:43 PM: A minute's silence for the victims of the Shoreham disaster..........

No flypast............ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2015, 06:45:46 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 30, 2015, 06:15:43 PM
A minute's silence for the victims of the Shoreham disaster..........

No flypast............ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 06, 2015, 09:38:31 AM: http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2 (http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 06, 2015, 09:44:24 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 06, 2015, 09:38:31 AM
http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2 (http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 06, 2015, 01:14:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 06, 2015, 09:44:24 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 06, 2015, 09:38:31 AM
http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2 (http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2)

lol: lol: lol:
happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 06, 2015, 03:47:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 06, 2015, 01:14:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 06, 2015, 09:44:24 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 06, 2015, 09:38:31 AM
http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2 (http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/21-actual-analogies-used-by-high-school-students-in-english-essays?utm_source=tickld&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=analogies&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2)

lol: lol: lol:
happy002 happy002 happy002

splendid. lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 06, 2015, 07:33:20 PM: There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 06, 2015, 07:34:28 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 06, 2015, 07:33:20 PM
There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 06, 2015, 08:45:18 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 06, 2015, 07:33:20 PM
There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 06, 2015, 08:56:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 06, 2015, 08:45:18 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 06, 2015, 07:33:20 PM
There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 08, 2015, 10:46:38 AM: Have we done this one before? Would I know as I failed. Banghead

Your Yearly Dementia Test
(only 4 questions)

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

#2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

#3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? PLEASE, go lie down!

But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

#4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island , 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden , 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2015, 11:09:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 08, 2015, 10:46:38 AM
Have we done this one before? Would I know as I failed. Banghead

Your Yearly Dementia Test
(only 4 questions)

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

#2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

#3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? PLEASE, go lie down!

But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

#4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island , 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden , 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2015, 02:40:56 PM: I said milk redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 08, 2015, 10:03:18 PM: BBC News:

Three Welshmen not making the Rugby World Cup, after an ankle strike, a knee strike and a drone strike ruled each of them out respectfully........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 08, 2015, 10:06:08 PM: Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...

With his record........

I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 08, 2015, 10:32:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 08, 2015, 10:03:18 PM
BBC News:

Three Welshmen not making the Rugby World Cup, after an ankle strike, a knee strike and a drone strike ruled each of them out respectfully........
Quote from: apc2010 on September 08, 2015, 10:06:08 PM
Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...

With his record........

I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 09, 2015, 05:49:47 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 08, 2015, 10:06:08 PM
Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...

With his record........

I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others....... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 13, 2015, 09:15:22 PM: Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 4pm., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 13, 2015, 09:52:21 PM: After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B&Q."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be effing stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 14, 2015, 10:47:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 13, 2015, 09:15:22 PM
Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 4pm., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
drumroll: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 14, 2015, 01:19:15 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2Foovf3brmj%2Fginger.jpg&hash=42081684adbc8e73fe63bce65d4bbdbc7544b157) (http://postimg.org/image/oovf3brmj/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2015, 01:21:22 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 14, 2015, 01:19:15 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs17.postimg.org%2Foovf3brmj%2Fginger.jpg&hash=42081684adbc8e73fe63bce65d4bbdbc7544b157) (http://postimg.org/image/oovf3brmj/)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 16, 2015, 04:25:55 PM: http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/ (http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 16, 2015, 04:44:47 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 16, 2015, 04:25:55 PM
http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/ (http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/)
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 16, 2015, 06:09:50 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 16, 2015, 04:44:47 PM
Quote from: Nick on September 16, 2015, 04:25:55 PM
http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/ (http://www.breitbart.com/london/2015/09/16/inevitable-clashes-in-cultures-british-isis-terrorist-complains-about-angry-rude-lazy-arabs/)
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 21, 2015, 12:45:47 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Foq4fnqm1f%2Fcock.jpg&hash=45202ecdbb4946f099151940c54a356797050eec) (http://postimg.org/image/oq4fnqm1f/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 21, 2015, 12:48:52 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 21, 2015, 12:45:47 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Foq4fnqm1f%2Fcock.jpg&hash=45202ecdbb4946f099151940c54a356797050eec) (http://postimg.org/image/oq4fnqm1f/)
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2015, 12:59:33 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 21, 2015, 12:45:47 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Foq4fnqm1f%2Fcock.jpg&hash=45202ecdbb4946f099151940c54a356797050eec) (http://postimg.org/image/oq4fnqm1f/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 21, 2015, 04:32:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 21, 2015, 12:59:33 PM
Quote from: Nick on September 21, 2015, 12:45:47 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Foq4fnqm1f%2Fcock.jpg&hash=45202ecdbb4946f099151940c54a356797050eec) (http://postimg.org/image/oq4fnqm1f/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on September 21, 2015, 05:21:19 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 21, 2015, 12:45:47 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs21.postimg.org%2Foq4fnqm1f%2Fcock.jpg&hash=45202ecdbb4946f099151940c54a356797050eec) (http://postimg.org/image/oq4fnqm1f/)

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 25, 2015, 02:47:38 PM: http://www.hellou.co.uk/2015/09/gill-snapchat-tortoise-61217/ (http://www.hellou.co.uk/2015/09/gill-snapchat-tortoise-61217/) facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 25, 2015, 03:06:04 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 25, 2015, 02:47:38 PM
http://www.hellou.co.uk/2015/09/gill-snapchat-tortoise-61217/ (http://www.hellou.co.uk/2015/09/gill-snapchat-tortoise-61217/) facepalm:

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 30, 2015, 06:18:47 PM: Liquid water found on Mars

clicky (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQAiRIuWwAArcbP.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 30, 2015, 06:19:59 PM: Hosepipe ban noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 03, 2015, 03:12:30 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2F9hb2ezt7r%2Fsept.jpg&hash=2d8b86a61be6bd65f81be8c0cbf73b214f62bea7) (http://postimg.org/image/9hb2ezt7r/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 03, 2015, 10:48:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2015, 03:12:30 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2F9hb2ezt7r%2Fsept.jpg&hash=2d8b86a61be6bd65f81be8c0cbf73b214f62bea7) (http://postimg.org/image/9hb2ezt7r/)
;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2015, 06:43:52 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 03, 2015, 10:48:11 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2015, 03:12:30 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2F9hb2ezt7r%2Fsept.jpg&hash=2d8b86a61be6bd65f81be8c0cbf73b214f62bea7) (http://postimg.org/image/9hb2ezt7r/)
;D

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 16, 2015, 06:08:00 PM: I've just been to the cinema to watch the new release "Suffragette". Two hours of woman's struggle, full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway after she managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 16, 2015, 06:10:43 PM: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2015, 06:13:16 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 16, 2015, 06:08:00 PM
I've just been to the cinema to watch the new release "Suffragette". Two hours of woman's struggle, full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway after she managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
scared:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2015, 07:12:47 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 16, 2015, 06:08:00 PM
I've just been to the cinema to watch the new release "Suffragette". Two hours of woman's struggle, full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway after she managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
scared:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 16, 2015, 10:42:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 16, 2015, 07:12:47 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 16, 2015, 06:08:00 PM
I've just been to the cinema to watch the new release "Suffragette". Two hours of woman's struggle, full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway after she managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
scared:

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2015, 11:19:02 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 16, 2015, 10:42:44 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 16, 2015, 07:12:47 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 16, 2015, 06:08:00 PM
I've just been to the cinema to watch the new release "Suffragette". Two hours of woman's struggle, full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway after she managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.
scared:

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 27, 2015, 07:04:04 PM: It seems like every week the WHO declares that another beloved dietary staple is "carcinogenic".

It's almost like they're hoping we die before we get old.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 27, 2015, 07:11:35 PM: I saw last night that sausaged willl be the death of us all. Miss I is hopeful :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 27, 2015, 08:08:42 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/486694_467187566724623_2128209998_n.png.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoiYiJ9&oh=e69117e63bfbf5584206c69cf6f5db8d&oe=5684BD44)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 27, 2015, 09:24:07 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 27, 2015, 07:04:04 PM
It seems like every week the WHO declares that another beloved dietary staple is "carcinogenic".

It's almost like they're hoping we die before we get old.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 28, 2015, 08:13:29 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fgdt7yxfef%2Fkraut.jpg&hash=d4e73c64d764c39e34b50208aa8aae2f5af163c8) (http://postimg.org/image/gdt7yxfef/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2015, 09:49:30 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 28, 2015, 08:13:29 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fgdt7yxfef%2Fkraut.jpg&hash=d4e73c64d764c39e34b50208aa8aae2f5af163c8) (http://postimg.org/image/gdt7yxfef/)

lol: lol:

If only it was "Est 1945"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 28, 2015, 09:57:21 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2015, 09:49:30 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 28, 2015, 08:13:29 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs7.postimg.org%2Fgdt7yxfef%2Fkraut.jpg&hash=d4e73c64d764c39e34b50208aa8aae2f5af163c8) (http://postimg.org/image/gdt7yxfef/)

lol: lol:

If only it was "Est 1945"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on October 28, 2015, 05:02:26 PM: Can it get wurst?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 28, 2015, 05:14:58 PM: sausage angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 10, 2015, 01:32:44 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12188991_1403525379661181_7084021737235720110_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=2e6ebc7f06b7f117f754e3542043d3a4&oe=56C2EB27)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 10, 2015, 01:34:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2015, 01:32:44 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12188991_1403525379661181_7084021737235720110_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=2e6ebc7f06b7f117f754e3542043d3a4&oe=56C2EB27)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 10, 2015, 05:20:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 10, 2015, 01:34:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2015, 01:32:44 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12188991_1403525379661181_7084021737235720110_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=2e6ebc7f06b7f117f754e3542043d3a4&oe=56C2EB27)

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 10, 2015, 05:21:03 PM: Constipated cannibal finally announces ‘I shat the sheriff’
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 10, 2015, 11:05:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2015, 05:21:03 PM
Constipated cannibal finally announces ‘I shat the sheriff’
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 11, 2015, 05:03:08 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 10, 2015, 05:21:03 PM
Constipated cannibal finally announces ‘I shat the sheriff’

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 17, 2015, 04:58:07 PM: The Alphabet Wife

After being married to Tony for forty years, Dorothy asked him to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife...A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2015, 01:02:50 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 27, 2010, 05:00:06 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on August 26, 2010, 09:22:51 PM
From Sky News: The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd. He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first. Police are treating it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.....

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2015, 01:05:08 AM: Postibly an Affs

! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9IYTxEzXPs&feature=youtu.be#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2015, 06:08:23 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2015, 01:05:08 AM
Postibly an Affs

! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9IYTxEzXPs&feature=youtu.be#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 26, 2015, 07:57:15 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F66v4220up%2Fbook.jpg&hash=f88a2d3b9eab23da7fdd28ef8363368a6e9485d3) (http://postimg.org/image/66v4220up/)

eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 26, 2015, 08:14:35 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 26, 2015, 07:57:15 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F66v4220up%2Fbook.jpg&hash=f88a2d3b9eab23da7fdd28ef8363368a6e9485d3) (http://postimg.org/image/66v4220up/)

eveilgrin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 26, 2015, 08:43:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 26, 2015, 08:14:35 AM
Quote from: Nick on November 26, 2015, 07:57:15 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F66v4220up%2Fbook.jpg&hash=f88a2d3b9eab23da7fdd28ef8363368a6e9485d3) (http://postimg.org/image/66v4220up/)

eveilgrin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 26, 2015, 11:06:34 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 26, 2015, 08:43:16 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 26, 2015, 08:14:35 AM
Quote from: Nick on November 26, 2015, 07:57:15 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimg.org%2F66v4220up%2Fbook.jpg&hash=f88a2d3b9eab23da7fdd28ef8363368a6e9485d3) (http://postimg.org/image/66v4220up/)

eveilgrin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2015, 10:55:25 PM: There was outrage today as ITV accidentally confused Lenny Henry with Ainsley Harriot........

To be fair, it's an easy mistake to make.........

They ARE both cvnts................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2015, 11:11:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 05, 2015, 10:55:25 PM
There was outrage today as ITV accidentally confused Lenny Henry with Ainsley Harriot........

To be fair, it's an easy mistake to make.........

They ARE both cvnts................ noooo:

UPDATE.....

ITV have promised an in-depth investigation after it showed pictures of Ainsley Harriott to illustrate Lenny Henry's career when the actor received a knighthood.....

A spokesman for ITV said, "It is clearly a terrible error"

I agree I can't believe someone gave that black bastard a knighthood........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2015, 03:02:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 05, 2015, 10:55:25 PM
There was outrage today as ITV accidentally confused Lenny Henry with Ainsley Harriot........

To be fair, it's an easy mistake to make.........

They ARE both cvnts................ noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2015, 05:49:37 AM: My mate from Liverpool has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he found them on, he said, ‘Google Earth’
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 08, 2015, 07:21:55 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 08, 2015, 10:52:54 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 08, 2015, 07:21:55 AM
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2015, 01:37:21 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 08, 2015, 05:49:37 AM
My mate from Liverpool has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he found them on, he said, ‘Google Earth’

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 09, 2015, 10:21:01 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 08, 2015, 10:52:54 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 08, 2015, 07:21:55 AM
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on December 10, 2015, 07:41:27 PM: One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 10, 2015, 07:45:02 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 10, 2015, 08:13:38 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 10, 2015, 07:41:27 PM
One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2015, 08:28:38 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 10, 2015, 07:41:27 PM
One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 10, 2015, 10:39:47 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 10, 2015, 07:41:27 PM
One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 12, 2015, 10:39:19 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2015, 10:39:47 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on December 10, 2015, 07:41:27 PM
One.

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 12, 2015, 09:44:27 PM: I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 12, 2015, 09:47:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2015, 09:44:27 PM
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!

;D

Scouser...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 12, 2015, 10:17:34 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2015, 09:44:27 PM
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!
rubschin:

Surely that's a very harsh way to refer to someone else's pie eating wife or girlfriend
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2015, 07:36:52 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2015, 09:44:27 PM
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 13, 2015, 09:44:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 13, 2015, 07:36:52 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 12, 2015, 09:44:27 PM
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 14, 2015, 06:02:37 PM: Saudi Arabia has it's first female Council member ''.Finally'', said the Council leader, '' We can get a cup of tea.''
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 14, 2015, 06:07:08 PM: its whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2015, 06:28:54 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 14, 2015, 06:02:37 PM
Saudi Arabia has it's first female Council member ''.Finally'', said the Council leader, '' We can get a cup of tea.''

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 14, 2015, 07:29:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2015, 06:28:54 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 14, 2015, 06:02:37 PM
Saudi Arabia has it's first female Council member ''.Finally'', said the Council leader, '' We can get a cup of tea.''

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 15, 2015, 04:44:35 PM: Raging Bull sex

First get your girl in doggie style
Slide in real deep
Lean forward and wrap your arms around real tight
Put your lips close to her ear
And whisper another girls name
See how long you can stay on!

May the force be with you.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 15, 2015, 04:47:19 PM: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2015, 05:23:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 15, 2015, 04:44:35 PM
Raging Bull sex

First get your girl in doggie style
Slide in real deep
Lean forward and wrap your arms around real tight
Put your lips close to her ear
And whisper another girls name
See how long you can stay on!

May the force be with you.

I got detention at school for telling that one.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 15, 2015, 06:48:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 15, 2015, 05:23:07 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 15, 2015, 04:44:35 PM
Raging Bull sex

First get your girl in doggie style
Slide in real deep
Lean forward and wrap your arms around real tight
Put your lips close to her ear
And whisper another girls name
See how long you can stay on!

May the force be with you.

I got detention at school for telling that one.... noooo:

Was this one of those teacher asked you all to tell a story with 'doggie' in it moments?

(have we ever done the 'presumably' one?)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2015, 07:19:25 PM: How to tell if its a ladyboy

I got picked up by a girl in Bangkok in her car.

She had a perfect face, perfect breasts, perfect legs.

It was only when she did a perfect reverse park into a tight space, I got suspicious and ran.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 16, 2015, 08:04:55 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 16, 2015, 07:19:25 PM
How to tell if its a ladyboy

I got picked up by a girl in Bangkok in her car.

She had a perfect face, perfect breasts, perfect legs.

It was only when she did a perfect reverse park into a tight space, I got suspicious and ran.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 18, 2015, 04:18:34 PM: I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?".....

I said, "I always let myself down at interviews.".........

He said, "I think you are doing OK."............

I said, "You would you stupid cunt!".........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 18, 2015, 04:32:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 18, 2015, 04:18:34 PM
I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?".....

I said, "I always let myself down at interviews.".........

He said, "I think you are doing OK."............

I said, "You would you stupid cunt!".........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 18, 2015, 04:39:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 18, 2015, 04:32:50 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 18, 2015, 04:18:34 PM
I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?".....

I said, "I always let myself down at interviews.".........

He said, "I think you are doing OK."............

I said, "You would you stupid cunt!".........

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2015, 10:01:39 PM: Congratulations to Andy Murray for his award .................

It was about time he won a fvcking personality............... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2015, 05:52:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2015, 10:01:39 PM
Congratulations to Andy Murray for his award .................

It was about time he won a fvcking personality............... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 28, 2015, 08:20:37 PM: 'I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my wife. '..................

Best epitaph I've ever seen on a headstone........................ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 29, 2015, 06:27:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 28, 2015, 08:20:37 PM
'I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my wife. '..................

Best epitaph I've ever seen on a headstone........................ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 30, 2015, 12:36:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 29, 2015, 06:27:50 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 28, 2015, 08:20:37 PM
'I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my wife. '..................

Best epitaph I've ever seen on a headstone........................ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2015, 08:41:27 PM: Pilot on a plane announces "we're flying at 30,000ft and the flight will take 2 hours, enjoy your flight", but he forgets to switch off the microphone.
The co-pilot says, "what you gonna do now boss"… everyone on the plane is listening.
The pilot says, "the 1st thing I'm gonna do is have a real good shit, I'm desperate. Then I'm gonna get that new blonde stewardess down the back and fuck her senseless"
Everyone in the plane is aghast.
The stewardess rushes to tell pilot the microphone is still on and trips over an old ladies handbag. The old lady looks down and says, "I wouldn't rush love he's gonna have a shit first"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2015, 08:43:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2015, 08:41:27 PM
Pilot on a plane announces "we're flying at 30,000ft and the flight will take 2 hours, enjoy your flight", but he forgets to switch off the microphone.
The co-pilot says, "what you gonna do now boss"… everyone on the plane is listening.
The pilot says, "the 1st thing I'm gonna do is have a real good shit, I'm desperate. Then I'm gonna get that new blonde stewardess down the back and fuck her senseless"
Everyone in the plane is aghast.
The stewardess rushes to tell pilot the microphone is still on and trips over an old ladies handbag. The old lady looks down and says, "I wouldn't rush love he's gonna have a shit first"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 30, 2015, 10:40:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 30, 2015, 08:43:05 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2015, 08:41:27 PM
Pilot on a plane announces "we're flying at 30,000ft and the flight will take 2 hours, enjoy your flight", but he forgets to switch off the microphone.
The co-pilot says, "what you gonna do now boss"… everyone on the plane is listening.
The pilot says, "the 1st thing I'm gonna do is have a real good shit, I'm desperate. Then I'm gonna get that new blonde stewardess down the back and fuck her senseless"
Everyone in the plane is aghast.
The stewardess rushes to tell pilot the microphone is still on and trips over an old ladies handbag. The old lady looks down and says, "I wouldn't rush love he's gonna have a shit first"

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 30, 2015, 11:24:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 30, 2015, 10:40:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 30, 2015, 08:43:05 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2015, 08:41:27 PM
Pilot on a plane announces "we're flying at 30,000ft and the flight will take 2 hours, enjoy your flight", but he forgets to switch off the microphone.
The co-pilot says, "what you gonna do now boss"… everyone on the plane is listening.
The pilot says, "the 1st thing I'm gonna do is have a real good shit, I'm desperate. Then I'm gonna get that new blonde stewardess down the back and fuck her senseless"
Everyone in the plane is aghast.
The stewardess rushes to tell pilot the microphone is still on and trips over an old ladies handbag. The old lady looks down and says, "I wouldn't rush love he's gonna have a shit first"

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 01, 2016, 06:53:39 PM: Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 01, 2016, 06:56:29 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2016, 07:42:44 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2016, 06:53:39 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2016, 08:32:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 01, 2016, 07:42:44 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2016, 06:53:39 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

lol: lol: lol:

😀😀😀😀
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 01, 2016, 09:16:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2016, 06:53:39 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 01, 2016, 09:44:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 01, 2016, 09:16:00 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2016, 06:53:39 PM
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

;D ;D ;D
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 02, 2016, 05:56:37 PM: Miss T came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.........

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked......

"No," she replied.......

"Then why did you buy so much fucking bread?"............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 02, 2016, 07:10:09 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2016, 05:56:37 PM
Miss T came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.........

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked......

"No," she replied.......

"Then why did you buy so much fucking bread?"............ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 02, 2016, 10:12:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 02, 2016, 07:10:09 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2016, 05:56:37 PM
Miss T came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.........

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked......

"No," she replied.......

"Then why did you buy so much fucking bread?"............ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 09, 2016, 02:05:09 PM: A bloke in a hospital had made several attempts to get into the toilets, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. She said "Sir, you may use the ladies if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..

He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his arse. What a nice feeling, he thought. The gents don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his arse.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his arse adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies was more than a bathroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your prick is under your pillow."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2016, 02:06:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2016, 02:05:09 PM
A bloke in a hospital had made several attempts to get into the toilets, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. She said "Sir, you may use the ladies if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist..

He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his arse. What a nice feeling, he thought. The gents don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his arse.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his arse adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies was more than a bathroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your prick is under your pillow."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 09, 2016, 02:12:50 PM: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 10, 2016, 08:35:54 AM: http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/ (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2016, 08:49:24 AM: Quote from: Nick on January 10, 2016, 08:35:54 AM
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/ (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/)

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2016, 11:05:13 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2016, 08:49:24 AM
Quote from: Nick on January 10, 2016, 08:35:54 AM
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/ (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/)

razz:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 10, 2016, 03:30:34 PM: Quote from: Nick on January 10, 2016, 08:35:54 AM
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/ (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2016, 08:52:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 10, 2016, 03:30:34 PM
Quote from: Nick on January 10, 2016, 08:35:54 AM
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/ (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/01/08/tyrrells-didnt-think-swanky-veg-flavour/)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:02:56 PM: I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:04:05 PM: I got thrown out the chemist this morning - I only asked the bird behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?", she went absolutely mental..... I still don't know what to do with these bloody suppositories
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2016, 07:06:11 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:02:56 PM
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate”

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2016, 07:06:42 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:04:05 PM
I got thrown out the chemist this morning - I only asked the bird behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?", she went absolutely mental..... I still don't know what to do with these bloody suppositories

happy002

TMR is taking it up the arse.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 01, 2016, 07:17:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:04:05 PM
I got thrown out the chemist this morning - I only asked the bird behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?", she went absolutely mental..... I still don't know what to do with these bloody suppositories

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 01, 2016, 10:42:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2016, 07:17:35 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:04:05 PM
I got thrown out the chemist this morning - I only asked the bird behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?", she went absolutely mental..... I still don't know what to do with these bloody suppositories

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 02, 2016, 09:22:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2016, 10:42:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 01, 2016, 07:17:35 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2016, 06:04:05 PM
I got thrown out the chemist this morning - I only asked the bird behind the counter "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?", she went absolutely mental..... I still don't know what to do with these bloody suppositories

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2016, 11:29:04 AM: (Affs?)

I once went to see the doctor to tell him about the irrepressible desire I had to stick my knob into the bacon slicer at the local co-op as it absolutely mesmerised me. He told me that I must suppress these desires, as to give in to them would lead to dire consequences. I suppressed them for a while, but in the end gave in. Obviously this needed another visit to the doctors. I told him he was right about the dire consequences. I am now banned from the co-op and she got the sack.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 02, 2016, 12:46:04 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 11:29:04 AM
(Affs?)

I once went to see the doctor to tell him about the irrepressible desire I had to stick my knob into the bacon slicer at the local co-op as it absolutely mesmerised me. He told me that I must suppress these desires, as to give in to them would lead to dire consequences. I suppressed them for a while, but in the end gave in. Obviously this needed another visit to the doctors. I told him he was right about the dire consequences. I am now banned from the co-op and she got the sack.
rubschin: It is Aff-ish.

lol: lol: anyway
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2016, 05:59:28 PM: All I could find in the vaults as prior was the sat on the bacon slicer and got a little behind with the orders joke

We should send a search party out for The Affs, his talent is much missed
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2016, 06:03:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 05:59:28 PM
All I could find in the vaults as prior was the sat on the bacon slicer and got a little behind with the orders joke

We should send a search party out for The Affs, his talent is much missed

So I sent Google out instead

It couldn't be could it? https://affs69.wordpress.com/about/

It bloody well is eeek:. Well done Google dog. He had that "One thing I'd really hate...is to have a nail banged through the back of my neck." sig at cough somewhere else
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2016, 06:19:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 06:03:33 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 05:59:28 PM
All I could find in the vaults as prior was the sat on the bacon slicer and got a little behind with the orders joke

We should send a search party out for The Affs, his talent is much missed

So I sent Google out instead

It couldn't be could it? https://affs69.wordpress.com/about/

It bloody well is eeek:. Well done Google dog. He had that "One thing I'd really hate...is to have a nail banged through the back of my neck." sig at cough somewhere else

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2016, 10:03:50 PM: So let me get this right. The Affs had an account here and someone deleted it?

Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2016, 06:51:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 10:03:50 PM
So let me get this right. The Affs had an account here and someone deleted it?

Banghead

Um... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 09:30:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 06:51:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 10:03:50 PM
So let me get this right. The Affs had an account here and someone deleted it?

Banghead

Um... redface:
Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2016, 09:43:02 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 09:30:21 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 06:51:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 10:03:50 PM
So let me get this right. The Affs had an account here and someone deleted it?

Banghead

Um... redface:
Popcorn:

Snoopy...? whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2016, 10:51:17 AM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 11:24:47 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 09:43:02 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 09:30:21 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 06:51:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2016, 10:03:50 PM
So let me get this right. The Affs had an account here and someone deleted it?

Banghead

Um... redface:
Popcorn:

Snoopy...? whistle:

noooo:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4019/4280340166_14491d28bc_b.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2016, 11:27:01 AM: Perhaps it was Wenchy...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 11:36:27 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 11:27:01 AM
Perhaps it was Wenchy...? rubschin:
Spank2:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fyc4l41aap%2Fresponsibility.jpg&hash=043e4506f17b0074cde5525cccaaa121c7bb61be) (http://postimg.org/image/yc4l41aap/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 03, 2016, 11:43:41 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 11:36:27 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2016, 11:27:01 AM
Perhaps it was Wenchy...? rubschin:
Spank2:

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs16.postimg.org%2Fyc4l41aap%2Fresponsibility.jpg&hash=043e4506f17b0074cde5525cccaaa121c7bb61be) (http://postimg.org/image/yc4l41aap/)

;D ;D

Same with burning pizza....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2016, 04:27:19 PM: So perhaps we will now have to refer to repeats of a joke as "an Guests"

Not much point contacting young Affs via his blog and saying he's still famous at the VP is it?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2016, 06:31:22 PM: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2016, 06:50:18 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 03, 2016, 06:31:22 PM
rubschin:
And where's Mr Happy I ask. And Bouncer?

Underneath BM's patio with The Affs no doubt

Gets more like Midsomer Murders every week this place does. scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:07:02 PM: Growler sad24: sad24: sad24: sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2016, 07:11:27 PM: Nick.... sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:37:02 PM: Clearing puke evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 08:20:45 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:37:02 PM
Clearing puke evil:

rubschin:

Don't remember him.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2016, 09:15:03 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2016, 08:20:45 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:37:02 PM
Clearing puke evil:

rubschin:

Don't remember him.

Cool hand puke...?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2016, 10:42:45 PM: BM returns from his patio! scared2:

We need a roll call to see who's gone missing this time. All very Agatha Christie this
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on February 03, 2016, 10:52:31 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:07:02 PM
Growler sad24: sad24: sad24: sad24:

I exchanged seasons greetings with Growler at Christmas... He said that nobody in here seems to be bothered or contacts him, so he just left and found pastures new.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 03, 2016, 11:45:16 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs15.postimg.org%2Fgmvlu85br%2Fwhole_bed.jpg&hash=85f4884f1f354e2919254f98e9dcdceccd07f7b5) (http://postimg.org/image/gmvlu85br/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 04, 2016, 12:47:13 AM: Quote from: Pirate on February 03, 2016, 10:52:31 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 03, 2016, 07:07:02 PM
Growler sad24: sad24: sad24: sad24:

I exchanged seasons greetings with Growler at Christmas... He said that nobody in here seems to be bothered or contacts him, so he just left and found pastures new.
I exchanged emails with him for a fair while. He was determined not to come back here on anyone's terms but his own

This place is in no small part about taking the piss out of each other. Maybe we went too far but imho probably not
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 04, 2016, 09:45:00 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 04, 2016, 12:47:13 AM
This place is in no small part about taking the piss out of each other.

Surely not.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 09, 2016, 11:48:04 AM: I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know C P R?"...........

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."...........

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy............ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 09, 2016, 12:36:10 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2016, 11:48:04 AM
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know C P R?"...........

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."...........

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy............ rubschin:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2016, 01:50:09 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2016, 11:48:04 AM
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know C P R?"...........

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."...........

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy............ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2016, 10:46:03 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 09, 2016, 12:36:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 09, 2016, 11:48:04 AM
I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know C P R?"...........

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."...........

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy............ rubschin:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 11, 2016, 08:20:33 PM: My mate was diagnosed as a mute today. I thought, "fuck me, he kept that quiet"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 11, 2016, 08:21:37 PM: Paddy was the contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? He doesn't know answer.
Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend."
Paddy says: "I'll phone Seamus , please Chris."
He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2016, 08:32:34 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 11, 2016, 08:57:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 11, 2016, 08:32:34 PM
happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 11, 2016, 09:05:59 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 11, 2016, 09:12:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 11, 2016, 09:05:59 PM
;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 16, 2016, 05:58:22 PM: YORKSHIRE OBITUARY.

In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife.

The couple had been happily married for 50 years.

The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put;

‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out”

“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.
“Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed”.
“Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.

The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 16, 2016, 09:13:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 16, 2016, 05:58:22 PM
YORKSHIRE OBITUARY.

In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife.

The couple had been happily married for 50 years.

The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put;

‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out”

“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.
“Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”.
“Yes, indeed”.
“Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.

The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 17, 2016, 11:34:28 AM: Watch What You Eat

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 17, 2016, 11:36:15 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 17, 2016, 11:34:28 AM
Watch What You Eat

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”?
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 17, 2016, 11:58:26 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 17, 2016, 11:34:28 AM
Watch What You Eat

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”?

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 18, 2016, 10:30:34 AM: https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/ (https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 18, 2016, 10:49:20 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 10:30:34 AM
https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/ (https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2016, 11:39:35 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 10:30:34 AM
https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/ (https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/)
"Sorry, this content isn't available at the moment" evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 18, 2016, 11:52:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 18, 2016, 11:39:35 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 10:30:34 AM
https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/ (https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/)
"Sorry, this content isn't available at the moment" evil:

You're not missing much.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2016, 12:14:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 18, 2016, 11:52:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 18, 2016, 11:39:35 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 10:30:34 AM
https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/ (https://www.facebook.com/4epicv/videos/1566985650293896/)
"Sorry, this content isn't available at the moment" evil:

You're not missing much.... noooo:
If it's only for Arsebookers I'll get over it then. Anyone care to mime the content?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 18, 2016, 12:15:28 PM: I can see it whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2016, 12:23:00 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 12:15:28 PM
I can see it whistle:
Well start the miming then
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 18, 2016, 12:34:08 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 18, 2016, 12:23:00 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 12:15:28 PM
I can see it whistle:
Well start the miming then

He did. Couldn't you see that either?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2016, 12:36:06 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 18, 2016, 12:34:08 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 18, 2016, 12:23:00 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2016, 12:15:28 PM
I can see it whistle:
Well start the miming then

He did. Couldn't you see that either?
noooo:

I thought he did the dumb mute bit well
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 23, 2016, 09:31:21 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fr46igy5kv%2Fcat6.jpg&hash=80e52cbe089b1eac0e6795df40e18ac139457630) (http://postimg.org/image/r46igy5kv/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 23, 2016, 10:19:58 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 23, 2016, 09:31:21 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fr46igy5kv%2Fcat6.jpg&hash=80e52cbe089b1eac0e6795df40e18ac139457630) (http://postimg.org/image/r46igy5kv/)
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 23, 2016, 10:21:55 AM: Reminds me of this probably pre Affed pic

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F40.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lflx76mIJe1qcmrkno1_500.jpg&hash=e892dc0a18776c87c3064f0d9d91ce9050aa5afe)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 23, 2016, 11:15:11 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 23, 2016, 09:31:21 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fr46igy5kv%2Fcat6.jpg&hash=80e52cbe089b1eac0e6795df40e18ac139457630) (http://postimg.org/image/r46igy5kv/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 23, 2016, 11:27:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 23, 2016, 11:15:11 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 23, 2016, 09:31:21 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs27.postimg.org%2Fr46igy5kv%2Fcat6.jpg&hash=80e52cbe089b1eac0e6795df40e18ac139457630) (http://postimg.org/image/r46igy5kv/)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 26, 2016, 08:23:06 PM: An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied
"I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia". Horrified the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!" The Chief shrugs and replies "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 27, 2016, 07:21:58 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2F6uwsr6471%2Fdrunk_wedding_video.jpg&hash=51f132e8da9d94782d3d1b9877ac5aa2d55e294c) (http://postimg.org/image/6uwsr6471/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2016, 07:54:53 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2016, 07:21:58 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2F6uwsr6471%2Fdrunk_wedding_video.jpg&hash=51f132e8da9d94782d3d1b9877ac5aa2d55e294c) (http://postimg.org/image/6uwsr6471/)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 27, 2016, 09:50:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2016, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2016, 07:21:58 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2F6uwsr6471%2Fdrunk_wedding_video.jpg&hash=51f132e8da9d94782d3d1b9877ac5aa2d55e294c) (http://postimg.org/image/6uwsr6471/)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 27, 2016, 09:54:57 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 27, 2016, 09:50:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2016, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2016, 07:21:58 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2F6uwsr6471%2Fdrunk_wedding_video.jpg&hash=51f132e8da9d94782d3d1b9877ac5aa2d55e294c) (http://postimg.org/image/6uwsr6471/)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2016, 06:12:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 27, 2016, 09:54:57 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 27, 2016, 09:50:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2016, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2016, 07:21:58 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs30.postimg.org%2F6uwsr6471%2Fdrunk_wedding_video.jpg&hash=51f132e8da9d94782d3d1b9877ac5aa2d55e294c) (http://postimg.org/image/6uwsr6471/)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: beerhead on March 01, 2016, 09:18:00 PM: An old lady came into her doctor's consulting room and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 01, 2016, 09:25:00 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 01, 2016, 10:42:24 PM: Quote from: beerhead on March 01, 2016, 09:18:00 PM
An old lady came into her doctor's consulting room and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2016, 06:40:31 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 01, 2016, 10:42:24 PM
Quote from: beerhead on March 01, 2016, 09:18:00 PM
An old lady came into her doctor's consulting room and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 05, 2016, 11:49:12 AM: Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2016, 01:13:49 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 05, 2016, 11:49:12 AM
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it

drumroll:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2016, 05:18:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 05, 2016, 01:13:49 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 05, 2016, 11:49:12 AM
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it

drumroll:

;D
drumroll: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 05, 2016, 05:19:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 05, 2016, 11:49:12 AM
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 05, 2016, 05:35:30 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 05, 2016, 05:18:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 05, 2016, 01:13:49 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 05, 2016, 11:49:12 AM
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it

drumroll:

;D
drumroll: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2016, 06:02:57 PM: A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had
to put him in a Protestant home. After a few weeks in the new facility, they came to visit their abuelo.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro". 'Ha Ha Ha. lovely people everyone of them'

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour".
'Ha Ha Ha. so lovely'

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"
'Ha ha Ha, so lovely'

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican"! 'Ha Ha Ha. see what I mean'

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2016, 06:09:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2016, 06:02:57 PM
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had
to put him in a Protestant home. After a few weeks in the new facility, they came to visit their abuelo.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro". 'Ha Ha Ha. lovely people everyone of them'

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour".
'Ha Ha Ha. so lovely'

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"
'Ha ha Ha, so lovely'

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican"! 'Ha Ha Ha. see what I mean'

facepalm:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2016, 08:58:17 PM: An old Muslim is dying, so just to hedge his bets, he converts to Christianity. A few days later, he shuffles off the old mortal coil and queues up at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at him and asks what the bloody hell is he doing there. The old man replies that he has "Come for Jesus". St Peter scratches his beard and after a short pause shouts, "Oy Jesus, have you ordered a taxi?"

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 07, 2016, 09:58:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2016, 08:58:17 PM
An old Muslim is dying, so just to hedge his bets, he converts to Christianity. A few days later, he shuffles off the old mortal coil and queues up at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at him and asks what the bloody hell is he doing there. The old man replies that he has "Come for Jesus". St Peter scratches his beard and after a short pause shouts, "Oy Jesus, have you ordered a taxi?"

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2016, 06:18:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2016, 08:58:17 PM
An old Muslim is dying, so just to hedge his bets, he converts to Christianity. A few days later, he shuffles off the old mortal coil and queues up at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at him and asks what the bloody hell is he doing there. The old man replies that he has "Come for Jesus". St Peter scratches his beard and after a short pause shouts, "Oy Jesus, have you ordered a taxi?"

redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 08, 2016, 02:24:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2016, 08:58:17 PM
An old Muslim is dying, so just to hedge his bets, he converts to Christianity. A few days later, he shuffles off the old mortal coil and queues up at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at him and asks what the bloody hell is he doing there. The old man replies that he has "Come for Jesus". St Peter scratches his beard and after a short pause shouts, "Oy Jesus, have you ordered a taxi?"

redface:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2016, 12:45:16 PM: This chappie dies and goes to heaven. St Peter greets him at the pearly gates and gets an assistant to show him around the place. After the quick tour, the guide sorts him out with some transport. He takes him over to a nice Range rover and tells him "This is yours. Transport is allocated in relation to how you have behaved in the past life. You have been a really decent sort of chap, so you get a nice motor like this." Just then, someone drives past in a Bugatti Veron. "They must have led an exceptional life?" comments the chappie. "Yes, that's Mother Theresa. The better you have behaved in the previous life, the better the transport provided." Just as the guide is explaining this, a Catholic priest trundles past on roller skates.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2016, 01:06:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2016, 12:45:16 PM
This chappie dies and goes to heaven. St Peter greets him at the pearly gates and gets an assistant to show him around the place. After the quick tour, the guide sorts him out with some transport. He takes him over to a nice Range rover and tells him "This is yours. Transport is allocated in relation to how you have behaved in the past life. You have been a really decent sort of chap, so you get a nice motor like this." Just then, someone drives past in a Bugatti Veron. "They must have led an exceptional life?" comments the chappie. "Yes, that's Mother Theresa. The better you have behaved in the previous life, the better the transport provided." Just as the guide is explaining this, a Catholic priest trundles past on roller skates.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2016, 08:02:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 10, 2016, 01:06:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2016, 12:45:16 PM
This chappie dies and goes to heaven. St Peter greets him at the pearly gates and gets an assistant to show him around the place. After the quick tour, the guide sorts him out with some transport. He takes him over to a nice Range rover and tells him "This is yours. Transport is allocated in relation to how you have behaved in the past life. You have been a really decent sort of chap, so you get a nice motor like this." Just then, someone drives past in a Bugatti Veron. "They must have led an exceptional life?" comments the chappie. "Yes, that's Mother Theresa. The better you have behaved in the previous life, the better the transport provided." Just as the guide is explaining this, a Catholic priest trundles past on roller skates.

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:13:20 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:14:09 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)

evil:

FFS! ::)

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:16:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:14:09 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)

evil:

FFS! ::)

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210)

redface: I need a drink....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:18:30 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:16:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:14:09 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:13:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)

evil:

FFS! ::)

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6424.msg588210#msg588210)

redface: I need a drink....

pathead:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 14, 2016, 05:19:29 PM: Living with Foggy must do that to a man noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 14, 2016, 06:52:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 14, 2016, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 14, 2016, 05:09:26 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3491225/It-s-tow-truck-not-toy-truck-Breakdown-firm-straps-miniature-car-flatbed-lorry-safely-home.html)

TMR gets toewd,,, ;D

AFFS! ::)

noooo: Guests
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2016, 04:12:37 PM: My first Grammar school rugby game was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was bloody and sore at the end.

But at least my dad came.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2016, 04:18:03 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 28, 2016, 04:18:30 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 28, 2016, 04:21:08 PM: Should have been in "The world's most offensive joke" thread?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 28, 2016, 04:22:19 PM: No, "Hat, Coat" noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2016, 04:26:06 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2016, 04:12:37 PM
My first Grammar school rugby game was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was bloody and sore at the end.

But at least my dad came.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on March 28, 2016, 04:36:13 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2016, 04:21:08 PM
Should have been in "The world's most offensive joke" thread?

Shouldn't it have been in the 'I need a hug' thread
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2016, 05:32:05 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2016, 04:12:37 PM
My first Grammar school rugby game was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was bloody and sore at the end.

But at least my dad came.
Well I laughed lol:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 29, 2016, 08:35:00 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 28, 2016, 04:12:37 PM
My first Grammar school rugby game was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was bloody and sore at the end.

But at least my dad came.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 01, 2016, 12:51:53 PM: To: The Buffette Foundation

Your Attention Please,

My name is Warren Buffett and I have an urgent donation information for you which will benefit you and your entire family, with the less privileged in your local community. Respond back to this email immediately so as to enable me provide you with the complete information regarding this donation.

God Bless you richly.

Warren Buffett.

::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2016, 01:43:45 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 01, 2016, 12:51:53 PM
To: The Buffette Foundation

Your Attention Please,

My name is Warren Buffett and I have an urgent donation information for you which will benefit you and your entire family, with the less privileged in your local community. Respond back to this email immediately so as to enable me provide you with the complete information regarding this donation.

God Bless you richly.

Warren Buffett.

::)
;D ;D

Wasn't Buffette that vampire slayer?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM: Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2016, 10:30:26 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 04, 2016, 11:46:00 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

Why bother?

She always refers to you as "That Prick", which is pretty much comparable.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on April 04, 2016, 11:55:55 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 04, 2016, 11:46:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

Why bother?

She always refers to you as "That Prick", which is pretty much comparable.

happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 12:11:52 PM: Quote from: Pirate on April 04, 2016, 11:55:55 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 04, 2016, 11:46:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

Why bother?

She always refers to you as "That Prick", which is pretty much comparable.

happy002 happy002

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2016, 04:10:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 12:11:52 PM
Quote from: Pirate on April 04, 2016, 11:55:55 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 04, 2016, 11:46:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

Why bother?

She always refers to you as "That Prick", which is pretty much comparable.

happy002 happy002

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 15, 2016, 08:54:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2016, 04:10:08 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 12:11:52 PM
Quote from: Pirate on April 04, 2016, 11:55:55 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 04, 2016, 11:46:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2016, 10:29:16 AM
Miss T gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt".........

I suppose she does have a point ...... rubschin:

I really should make the effort to learn her Mothers real name ...... rubschin:

lol: lol:

Why bother?

She always refers to you as "That Prick", which is pretty much comparable.

happy002 happy002

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:

I would also be laughing it wasn't so true. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 15, 2016, 08:55:13 PM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fbcltl11s7%2Fdeer.jpg&hash=39e76e1554d6d48de7b975a7ab221dfe163cf5e2) (http://postimg.org/image/bcltl11s7/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2016, 08:57:47 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 15, 2016, 08:55:13 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fbcltl11s7%2Fdeer.jpg&hash=39e76e1554d6d48de7b975a7ab221dfe163cf5e2) (http://postimg.org/image/bcltl11s7/)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 15, 2016, 09:07:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 15, 2016, 08:57:47 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 15, 2016, 08:55:13 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fbcltl11s7%2Fdeer.jpg&hash=39e76e1554d6d48de7b975a7ab221dfe163cf5e2) (http://postimg.org/image/bcltl11s7/)

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 15, 2016, 09:08:23 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 15, 2016, 09:07:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 15, 2016, 08:57:47 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 15, 2016, 08:55:13 PM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs23.postimg.org%2Fbcltl11s7%2Fdeer.jpg&hash=39e76e1554d6d48de7b975a7ab221dfe163cf5e2) (http://postimg.org/image/bcltl11s7/)

;D
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 27, 2016, 09:38:55 PM: A whole collection from another forum. Need to sort the Affs from the wheat

____________________________________________________________

So a young couple have died and gone to heaven, and at the gates they meet saint Peter. He says, "Welcome to heaven, we've been expecting you, now before we let you up, is there anything we can do for you?"
The couple look at each other, and one of them asks, "Well one thing we always wanted to do but didn't get a chance to before we died, was to get married, could we get married before we go in?"
Saint Peter scratches his beard and says, "Well, we can, though it'll take a while to set things up, if you really want to do it, then you can wait here while I send an angel to sort it out. Just keep in mind that there's no "'til death do you part" business up here, it's forever."
The couple says they're alright with that, and ask him to do it. So Saint Peter trumpets up an angel, and sends him through the gates with directions to find a priest willing to marry them... They wait... and wait... and wait... and finally after two weeks the angle comes back with a smiling priest in stow. Saint Peter claps his hands and says, "Right then, are you ready to get married then?"
Now the couple had actually been getting a bit nervous about all of this while they were waiting, and so one of them asks, to try to set his mind at ease, "Well... we were wondering, since you said it's forever up here, if things didn't work out, would it really be forever? Could we get a divorce?"
Saint Peter is about to respond when the angel throws a hissy fit and says, "NO! Just NO! Look, you saw how long it took me to find a priest in there, do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

Lately I've been reading a book about Anti-gravity...I can't put it down!

Old Communist Joke. In the 1970s, there was a rising and powerful Communist official, who wanted to show his aged mother how well he had done for himself. He showed her his nice modern house, but she said nothing. Then, he showed her his western car, a Ferrari, but still she said nothing. Finally, he toured her around the house, showing her his high standard of living, and STILL she said nothing. Finally, he cried out "Mother, what do you think of my house?!?" she said "It is very good Simon! But what will you do if the Communists come back?".

A Soviet man is standing in line waiting for some bread. Tired of the incredibly slow movement of the line, he begins loudly complaining about the system and the government.

Two plainclothes KGB agents come over and take him aside. "Listen comrade," they say, "in the old days we would have killed you immediately, but under Glasnost and Perestroika we must give you a warning. Please stop disrupting the line and go home."

The man dutifully returns home to his wife. "Why don't you have any bread!?" she asks. "It's terrible!" says the man. "The country has fallen apart; not only is there no food left, they have no bullets left either!"

A man was driving down the highway when he noticed a billboard advertising the 'Sisters of Saint Francis Brothel'. He tried to ignore it, but he found himself curious and was soon on the exit ramp, looking for the building. He soon found himself in front of what looked like a repurposed church marked with another sign.

He walks in the front door to find himself in front of a nun. "How may I help you?" she asks.

"I'd like to try some of your services."

The nun nods and points to another down by the altar. "Sister Susan will show you the way."

The man nods and heads to the altar, where Sister Susan is holding a basket. "One hundred dollars, please."

The man puts the money in the basket and the sister leads him to a door. He opens the door and the sister pushes him outside and closes it, locking him out. On the door is a sign that says "You have been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Francis. Now go to Hell, you dirty sinner!"

It's 22 C.E. and 3 disciples are enjoying lunch with Jesus Christ.

The first man remarks "Jesus, your bread is delicious, what kind of bread is it?"

Jesus gives a sage nod, and calmly replies, "That bread is made from my flesh, for all the hungry to eat."

The second disciple, helping himself to a goblet exclaims, "Jesus, this wine is beyond description, what vineyard is it from?!"

Jesus gives a small smile, and again proclaims, "That wine is made from my blood, for all the thirsty to drink."

The third disciple, having gorged himself the most of the group chokes out a reply through a mouthful, "Guys, you think that crap is good, wait until you try these Eclairs! The filling is orgasmic!"

A Chinese man, a Japanese man, a Cambodian, a Burmese man, a Malyasian man, and a Singaporian, all try to walk into a bar, but they're stopped by the bouncer who says, "I'm sorry guys but I can't let you in without a Thai."

A family buys a robot designed to slap anyone who tells a lie.

The father is concerned about his son going home late and decides to confront him about it.

Father "Son, why did you come home late?"
Son "Dad, it isn't late yet."

*SLAP*

Father "Son, you came home very late this night! What were you doing?"
Son "Watching a movie, dad."
Father "What kind of movie?"
Son "A comedy movie, dad."

*SLAP*

Father "Son, you really have to tell me the truth. What did you watch...?"
Son "...pornographic movie, dad."

...

Father "SON, IN MY DAY, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE WAS, LET ALONE WATCH IT!"

*SLAP*

The mother enters the scene.

Mother "Stop it! What are you doing? What is this madness? Look at your son!"

*SLAP*
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2016, 05:39:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 27, 2016, 09:38:55 PM

Lately I've been reading a book about Anti-gravity...I can't put it down!

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:53:27 PM: A family book into a hotel for the weekend, the father goes up to the receptionist and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled".........

To which the receptionist replies, "Its just regular porn you sick fuck".......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:58:45 PM: I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street and I thought 'wait, that's mine',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, rubschin:

but then I remembered that mine's at home cleaning the staircase.............. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2016, 04:50:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:53:27 PM
A family book into a hotel for the weekend, the father goes up to the receptionist and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled".........

To which the receptionist replies, "Its just regular porn you sick fuck".......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2016, 04:50:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:58:45 PM
I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street and I thought 'wait, that's mine',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, rubschin:

but then I remembered that mine's at home cleaning the staircase.............. Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 02, 2016, 10:27:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2016, 04:50:06 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2016, 02:53:27 PM
A family book into a hotel for the weekend, the father goes up to the receptionist and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled".........

To which the receptionist replies, "Its just regular porn you sick fuck".......

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 16, 2016, 06:06:19 AM: (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs32.postimg.org%2F406pbbx8x%2Fpig.jpg&hash=3fd818158aa09e045ec2f6d97be78fd6ff0b43fb) (http://postimg.org/image/406pbbx8x/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2016, 06:49:58 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 16, 2016, 06:06:19 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs32.postimg.org%2F406pbbx8x%2Fpig.jpg&hash=3fd818158aa09e045ec2f6d97be78fd6ff0b43fb) (http://postimg.org/image/406pbbx8x/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2016, 08:04:13 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2016, 06:49:58 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 16, 2016, 06:06:19 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs32.postimg.org%2F406pbbx8x%2Fpig.jpg&hash=3fd818158aa09e045ec2f6d97be78fd6ff0b43fb) (http://postimg.org/image/406pbbx8x/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 16, 2016, 11:00:38 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2016, 08:04:13 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2016, 06:49:58 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 16, 2016, 06:06:19 AM

(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs32.postimg.org%2F406pbbx8x%2Fpig.jpg&hash=3fd818158aa09e045ec2f6d97be78fd6ff0b43fb) (http://postimg.org/image/406pbbx8x/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2016, 01:07:51 PM: SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York , L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 18, 2016, 03:11:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2016, 01:07:51 PM
SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York , L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 18, 2016, 07:31:37 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2016, 03:11:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2016, 01:07:51 PM
SIAMESE TWINS

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York , L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 20, 2016, 10:03:59 PM: BREAKING NEWS............none of the England football team will be voting in the EU referendum.........

Because not one of the useless bastards can put a cross into a box........... cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2016, 03:59:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 20, 2016, 10:03:59 PM
BREAKING NEWS............none of the England football team will be voting in the EU referendum.........

Because not one of the useless bastards can put a cross into a box........... cussing: cussing:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2016, 11:14:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 21, 2016, 03:59:56 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 20, 2016, 10:03:59 PM
BREAKING NEWS............none of the England football team will be voting in the EU referendum.........

Because not one of the useless bastards can put a cross into a box........... cussing: cussing:

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 06, 2016, 07:02:43 PM: Who needs a dictionary when you have dads.

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad", she said "she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically the family could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 06, 2016, 07:32:41 PM: Has Tipsy got a daughter?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 06, 2016, 07:34:29 PM: Quote from: Nick on July 06, 2016, 07:32:41 PM
Has Tipsy got a daughter?
nonono:

Miss I is barely cold.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 06, 2016, 07:35:36 PM: Close, but no cigar. Off to bed eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on August 10, 2016, 06:34:30 PM: Hilary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.

Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message: 370HSSV 0773H.

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed his family but they also had no clue either,so it was sent to the FBI who couldn’t solve it.
No one at the FBI, CIA,or NASA had a clue.
They eventually asked Britain ’s MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply:” Tell Mr.Trump that he is holding the message upside down.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 10, 2016, 06:48:27 PM: Quote from: Maverick on August 10, 2016, 06:34:30 PM
Hilary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.

Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message: 370HSSV 0773H.

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed his family but they also had no clue either,so it was sent to the FBI who couldn’t solve it.
No one at the FBI, CIA,or NASA had a clue.
They eventually asked Britain ’s MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply:” Tell Mr.Trump that he is holding the message upside down.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 22, 2016, 05:00:39 PM: I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked Muslim with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, “You’re upset, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said.

”What” she said.

“That bastard next door has still got my shovel.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 22, 2016, 07:49:40 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 22, 2016, 05:00:39 PM
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked Muslim with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, “You’re upset, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said.

”What” she said.

“That bastard next door has still got my shovel.”

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 22, 2016, 10:08:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 22, 2016, 07:49:40 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 22, 2016, 05:00:39 PM
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked Muslim with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, “You’re upset, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said.

”What” she said.

“That bastard next door has still got my shovel.”

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2016, 07:40:54 AM: There was a tweet doing the rounds the other day with a photo of a Robinson’s golliwog tattooed on an arm.

“I asked for a tattoo of the guy from the jam, this looks nothing like Paul Weller.”

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 21, 2016, 04:47:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 21, 2016, 07:40:54 AM
There was a tweet doing the rounds the other day with a photo of a Robinson’s golliwog tattooed on an arm.

“I asked for a tattoo of the guy from the jam, this looks nothing like Paul Weller.”

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 16, 2016, 09:50:39 AM: (https://s21.postimg.org/rh2mmosvn/lion.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/rh2mmosvn/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2016, 10:00:14 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 16, 2016, 09:50:39 AM

(https://s21.postimg.org/rh2mmosvn/lion.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/rh2mmosvn/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 10:58:38 AM: just to say my AVG doesn't like that Postimage site.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 16, 2016, 11:02:33 AM: PICNIC noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 11:04:26 AM: No, I've got good protection on my computer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 16, 2016, 11:07:39 AM: TMJs noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 11:11:45 AM: noooo:

Out of interest, what software do you use as an antivirus?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 11:22:27 AM: (https://s13.postimg.org/8ugfu0u6b/board.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8ugfu0u6b/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2016, 11:52:32 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 11:22:27 AM

(https://s13.postimg.org/8ugfu0u6b/board.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8ugfu0u6b/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 16, 2016, 11:53:08 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 16, 2016, 11:11:45 AM
noooo:

Out of interest, what software do you use as an antivirus?

Windows defender + Malwarebytes + Adblock Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 21, 2016, 09:35:55 PM: To those in need, my improper fraction Helpline is now open 24/7
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 21, 2016, 11:18:50 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2016, 09:35:55 PM
To those in need, my improper fraction Helpline is now open 24/7
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2016, 11:25:22 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2016, 09:35:55 PM
To those in need, my improper fraction Helpline is now open 24/7

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 21, 2016, 11:33:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 21, 2016, 11:25:22 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2016, 09:35:55 PM
To those in need, my improper fraction Helpline is now open 24/7

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 22, 2016, 05:43:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2016, 11:33:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 21, 2016, 11:25:22 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on November 21, 2016, 09:35:55 PM
To those in need, my improper fraction Helpline is now open 24/7

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2016, 05:16:04 PM: For those who still have Xmas shopping to do .....some of these wedding fairs abroad have got stuff at knockdown prices ..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2016, 05:26:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2016, 05:16:04 PM
For those who still have Xmas shopping to do .....some of these wedding fairs abroad have got stuff at knockdown prices ..
mail order brides?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2016, 05:26:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2016, 05:16:04 PM
For those who still have Xmas shopping to do .....some of these wedding fairs abroad have got stuff at knockdown prices ..

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2016, 05:36:34 PM: My xmas lights remind me of niggers .......

3/4s of them don't work but still like hanging around in tress......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2016, 05:48:38 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pirate on December 21, 2016, 05:53:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2016, 05:16:04 PM
For those who still have Xmas shopping to do .....some of these wedding fairs abroad have got stuff at knockdown prices ..

Hell beckons, even tho you are in God's waiting room...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 27, 2016, 01:58:11 PM: Bono...........4 days left...........

just letting you know........ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2016, 01:59:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2016, 01:58:11 PM
Bono...........4 days left...........

just letting you know........ redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2016, 02:11:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2016, 01:59:38 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2016, 01:58:11 PM
Bono...........4 days left...........

just letting you know........ redface:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 31, 2016, 01:14:16 PM: Why did the sperm cross the road...................... rubschin:

Coz I put on the wrong socks this morning.......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 31, 2016, 01:16:25 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2016, 01:20:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 31, 2016, 01:14:16 PM
Why did the sperm cross the road...................... rubschin:

Coz I put on the wrong socks this morning.......... redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2016, 08:44:20 PM: Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 01, 2017, 01:56:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2016, 08:44:20 PM
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2017, 08:31:46 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 01, 2017, 01:56:00 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 31, 2016, 08:44:20 PM
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember"
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2017, 09:25:29 AM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 02, 2017, 12:07:58 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 01, 2017, 09:25:29 AM
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 12, 2017, 06:19:00 PM: Must be some AFFs but.........

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 12, 2017, 10:06:05 PM: What do you call an Irish woman with 2 cunts.............. rubschin:

Jedward's Mum.......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 12, 2017, 10:16:08 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 12, 2017, 10:06:05 PM
What do you call an Irish woman with 2 cunts.............. rubschin:

Jedward's Mum.......... Thumbs:
happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2017, 06:19:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 12, 2017, 10:16:08 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 12, 2017, 10:06:05 PM
What do you call an Irish woman with 2 cunts.............. rubschin:

Jedward's Mum.......... Thumbs:
happy002

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2017, 08:16:40 PM: Watching the paralympics ...This lot can run faster than me ... eeek: this lot can swim faster ... eeek: this lot can lift more weights than me .... ;D cycle further than me... eeek:

So why the fuck do they need to park closer to the shops than me......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2017, 08:47:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2017, 08:16:40 PM
Watching the paralympics ...This lot can run faster than me ... eeek: this lot can swim faster ... eeek: this lot can lift more weights than me .... ;D cycle further than me... eeek:

So why the fuck do they need to park closer to the shops than me......... rubschin:
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2017, 07:24:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 13, 2017, 08:47:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2017, 08:16:40 PM
Watching the paralympics ...This lot can run faster than me ... eeek: this lot can swim faster ... eeek: this lot can lift more weights than me .... ;D cycle further than me... eeek:

So why the fuck do they need to park closer to the shops than me......... rubschin:
lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2017, 08:08:19 PM: So I asked the vicar for the wi-fi code.....

He said "have some respect for your dead wife ".....

So I asked "Is that all lower case "......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2017, 09:58:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 16, 2017, 08:08:19 PM
So I asked the vicar for the wi-fi code.....

He said "have some respect for your dead wife ".....

So I asked "Is that all lower case "......... redface:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 17, 2017, 07:34:59 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2017, 09:58:04 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 16, 2017, 08:08:19 PM
So I asked the vicar for the wi-fi code.....

He said "have some respect for your dead wife ".....

So I asked "Is that all lower case "......... redface:
happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2017, 08:10:41 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 17, 2017, 07:34:59 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2017, 09:58:04 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 16, 2017, 08:08:19 PM
So I asked the vicar for the wi-fi code.....

He said "have some respect for your dead wife ".....

So I asked "Is that all lower case "......... redface:
happy001

happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2017, 10:32:29 AM: I was woken up last night by the bulimic woman in the flat above me.

I banged on the ceiling and shouted, "For fuck's sake! Keep it down, love!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 22, 2017, 01:11:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 22, 2017, 10:32:29 AM
I was woken up last night by the bulimic woman in the flat above me.

I banged on the ceiling and shouted, "For fuck's sake! Keep it down, love!"
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 22, 2017, 02:05:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 22, 2017, 01:11:57 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 22, 2017, 10:32:29 AM
I was woken up last night by the bulimic woman in the flat above me.

I banged on the ceiling and shouted, "For fuck's sake! Keep it down, love!"
happy001
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 22, 2017, 02:52:23 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 22, 2017, 10:32:29 AM
I was woken up last night by the bulimic woman in the flat above me.

I banged on the ceiling and shouted, "For fuck's sake! Keep it down, love!"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 30, 2017, 08:08:53 PM: Sex Therapists Say The Most Effective Way A Woman Can Arouse A Man Is To Lick His Ears....Personally I Think It's Bollocks..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2017, 08:24:33 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 30, 2017, 08:08:53 PM
Sex Therapists Say The Most Effective Way A Woman Can Arouse A Man Is To Lick His Ears....Personally I Think It's Bollocks..

lol: lol: lol:

eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2017, 08:55:20 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 30, 2017, 10:00:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2017, 08:55:20 PM
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 06, 2017, 10:02:23 PM: (https://s28.postimg.org/p1bzgv5yx/bible_greatest_story.png) (https://postimg.org/image/p1bzgv5yx/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 06, 2017, 10:29:08 PM: (https://s23.postimg.org/kccotk2vb/wife_no_mates.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/kccotk2vb/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2017, 06:58:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 06, 2017, 10:02:23 PM

(https://s28.postimg.org/p1bzgv5yx/bible_greatest_story.png) (https://postimg.org/image/p1bzgv5yx/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2017, 06:58:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 06, 2017, 10:29:08 PM

(https://s23.postimg.org/kccotk2vb/wife_no_mates.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/kccotk2vb/)

AFFS! whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 07, 2017, 05:41:50 PM: ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2017, 06:23:04 PM: "it will be vaseline day soon "

" Don't you mean Valetines day ????? "

"I know what I mean "......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2017, 06:24:43 PM: Speak for yourself whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2017, 07:07:35 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2017, 06:24:43 PM
Speak for yourself whistle:

eeek:

Didn't think that one though enough ......... Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2017, 07:11:23 PM: point: point: point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 12, 2017, 11:02:42 PM: Quote from: April
Speak for yourself whistle:
whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2017, 11:07:38 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2017, 05:20:04 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 12, 2017, 11:02:42 PM
Quote from: April
Speak for yourself whistle:
whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 13, 2017, 08:01:21 AM: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2017, 07:45:47 PM: The Thermos Flask

A man is on his way home from work when he pops in to his local pub for a pint.

He walks into the bar and puts his sandwich box and thermos flask on the bar whilst he waits for his pint to be pulled.

The village idiot is sat in the coroner reading the Daily Star , when he points at the Thermos flask and asked what it is.

Man tells him its a thermos flask.

Idiot, says but what's it for

Man, it keeps hot things hot and cold thing cold.

Idiot. what will they think of next I have never seen one before , what does it do again.

Man we have had them for years as I said before it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man leaves pub after his pint.

Following day same man goes in for another pint on his way home from work, village idiot is sat in the corner with a brank new shinny new thermos flask in front of him

Man says I see you bought one then.

Idiot says yes do you know that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man rather tersely says I know I told you twice yesterday, go on then what have you got in it.

Idiot two cups of tea and a choc ice
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2017, 07:45:47 PM
The Thermos Flask

A man is on his way home from work when he pops in to his local pub for a pint.

He walks into the bar and puts his sandwich box and thermos flask on the bar whilst he waits for his pint to be pulled.

The village idiot is sat in the coroner reading the Daily Star , when he points at the Thermos flask and asked what it is.

Man tells him its a thermos flask.

Idiot, says but what's it for

Man, it keeps hot things hot and cold thing cold.

Idiot. what will they think of next I have never seen one before , what does it do again.

Man we have had them for years as I said before it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man leaves pub after his pint.

Following day same man goes in for another pint on his way home from work, village idiot is sat in the corner with a brank new shinny new thermos flask in front of him

Man says I see you bought one then.

Idiot says yes do you know that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man rather tersely says I know I told you twice yesterday, go on then what have you got in it.

Idiot two cups of tea and a choc ice

AFFS!

I'm sure that is an AFFS, it is my (often repeated redface:) David Beckham joke... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 14, 2017, 08:56:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2017, 07:45:47 PM
The Thermos Flask

A man is on his way home from work when he pops in to his local pub for a pint.

He walks into the bar and puts his sandwich box and thermos flask on the bar whilst he waits for his pint to be pulled.

The village idiot is sat in the coroner reading the Daily Star , when he points at the Thermos flask and asked what it is.

Man tells him its a thermos flask.

Idiot, says but what's it for

Man, it keeps hot things hot and cold thing cold.

Idiot. what will they think of next I have never seen one before , what does it do again.

Man we have had them for years as I said before it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man leaves pub after his pint.

Following day same man goes in for another pint on his way home from work, village idiot is sat in the corner with a brank new shinny new thermos flask in front of him

Man says I see you bought one then.

Idiot says yes do you know that it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

Man rather tersely says I know I told you twice yesterday, go on then what have you got in it.

Idiot two cups of tea and a choc ice

AFFS!

I'm sure that is an AFFS, it is my (often repeated redface:) David Beckham joke... lol:
Like the jigsaw puzzle joke?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 14, 2017, 10:07:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM

AFFS!

I'm sure that is an AFFS, it is my (often repeated redface:) David Beckham joke... lol:
Your search engine said Affs free. I blame the management
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2017, 11:12:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 14, 2017, 10:07:24 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 14, 2017, 05:32:11 AM

AFFS!

I'm sure that is an AFFS, it is my (often repeated redface:) David Beckham joke... lol:
Your search engine said Affs free. I blame the management

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2017, 05:07:02 PM: Got a valetines day card from moonpig........... Thumbs:

But Miss T hates me calling her that......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2017, 05:26:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2017, 05:07:02 PM
Got a valetines day card from moonpig........... Thumbs:

But Miss T hates me calling her that......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2017, 06:17:15 PM: Baby what we doing for valetines ?????

Well I wasn't going to tell you ..do you like Paris ??

OOOOHHH yes !!!!

Do you like Barcalona ?????

OOOOhhh yes !!!!!

Sorted ...Tonight .....champions league ...PSG Vs Barca ...........sorted ....... Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2017, 06:17:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2017, 06:17:15 PM
Baby what we doing for valetines ?????

Well I wasn't going to tell you ..do you like Paris ??

OOOOHHH yes !!!!

Do you like Barcalona ?????

OOOOhhh yes !!!!!

Sorted ...Tonight .....champions league ...PSG Vs Barca ...........sorted ....... Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 14, 2017, 06:25:33 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 14, 2017, 07:45:33 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM: http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2017, 09:05:41 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM
http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)

Midgets! happy001

How many of them are yours...? ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 25, 2017, 10:39:58 AM: I am a popular contributor on Trip Advisor angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2017, 11:03:11 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 09:05:41 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM
http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)

Midgets! happy001

How many of them are yours...? ::)
happy001 happy001

I want to stay at this one:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthehookmag.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2017%2F02%2Fpop.jpg&hash=4ded9a6786b77cb96c5414ee511ca6335069519d)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2017, 11:08:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 25, 2017, 11:03:11 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 09:05:41 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM
http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)

Midgets! happy001

How many of them are yours...? ::)
happy001 happy001

I want to stay at this one:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthehookmag.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2017%2F02%2Fpop.jpg&hash=4ded9a6786b77cb96c5414ee511ca6335069519d)

Yes, that definitely appeals! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2017, 01:00:58 PM: I got talking to a woman at the bar the other night, we got on about kids and drugs.

I whispered to her "look at him on the other side of the bar, he's shaking like a shitting dog, fucking eyes all over the place, dribbling all down his shirt".

She said "that's my son you twat, hes got Cerebral Palsy".

I said "he definitely shouldn't be taking drugs then!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2017, 02:23:04 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2017, 04:41:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 01:00:58 PM
I got talking to a woman at the bar the other night, we got on about kids and drugs.

I whispered to her "look at him on the other side of the bar, he's shaking like a shitting dog, fucking eyes all over the place, dribbling all down his shirt".

She said "that's my son you twat, hes got Cerebral Palsy".

I said "he definitely shouldn't be taking drugs then!"

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2017, 08:40:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2017, 04:41:53 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 01:00:58 PM
I got talking to a woman at the bar the other night, we got on about kids and drugs.

I whispered to her "look at him on the other side of the bar, he's shaking like a shitting dog, fucking eyes all over the place, dribbling all down his shirt".

She said "that's my son you twat, hes got Cerebral Palsy".

I said "he definitely shouldn't be taking drugs then!"

Thumbs:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 26, 2017, 08:09:35 PM: I was eating her pussy out when I suddenly tasted horse semen.

I looked up at her and said "So, Grandma, that's what killed you"

H/T Caustic Bob.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2017, 08:29:12 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 26, 2017, 08:09:35 PM
I was eating her pussy out when I suddenly tasted horse semen.

I looked up at her and said "So, Grandma, that's what killed you"

H/T Caustic Bob.

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 05, 2017, 07:45:06 PM: It's only 4 characters, but it's comedy gold.

,D Au
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 05, 2017, 07:48:15 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 05, 2017, 07:45:06 PM
It's only 4 characters, but it's comedy gold.

,D Au

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2017, 09:15:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 05, 2017, 07:48:15 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 05, 2017, 07:45:06 PM
It's only 4 characters, but it's comedy gold.

,D Au

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 06, 2017, 09:48:10 AM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 07, 2017, 06:08:10 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 07, 2017, 10:44:52 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 07, 2017, 06:08:10 PM
lol: lol: lol: lol:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 09, 2017, 11:44:53 AM: Here are the Five Rules for men to follow for a happy life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
He died not knowing that he would someday win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 09, 2017, 11:47:01 AM: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 09, 2017, 01:55:39 PM: I have an unnatural fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2017, 02:15:31 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 09, 2017, 01:55:39 PM
I have an unnatural fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2017, 02:43:02 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 09, 2017, 11:44:53 AM
Here are the Five Rules for men to follow for a happy life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
He died not knowing that he would someday win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 09, 2017, 04:19:16 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 09, 2017, 01:55:39 PM
I have an unnatural fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

Thumbs: Thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2017, 05:28:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 09, 2017, 02:15:31 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 09, 2017, 01:55:39 PM
I have an unnatural fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 09, 2017, 05:56:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 09, 2017, 05:28:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 09, 2017, 02:15:31 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 09, 2017, 01:55:39 PM
I have an unnatural fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 10, 2017, 09:50:16 PM: Last night I had the craziest dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2017, 10:13:42 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 10, 2017, 09:50:16 PM
Last night I had the craziest dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg !
drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2017, 10:44:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2017, 10:13:42 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 10, 2017, 09:50:16 PM
Last night I had the craziest dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg !
drumroll: ;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2017, 01:41:37 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 10, 2017, 09:50:16 PM
Last night I had the craziest dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg !

Nothing to be sniffed at .......... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2017, 08:25:57 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 10, 2017, 09:50:16 PM
Last night I had the craziest dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg !

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2017, 05:50:31 PM: http://southendnewsnetwork.com/news/bruce-forsyth-stop-fcking-ringing-me-im-fine/ (http://southendnewsnetwork.com/news/bruce-forsyth-stop-fcking-ringing-me-im-fine/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 12, 2017, 11:21:36 PM: So was in Lidl today with 2 trolleys of booze ...when a little old lady came up behind me with just a pint of milk...........So asked ..is that all you got ....????

So I did the decent thing .... Thumbs:

So I said ...."if I were you I'd fuck off to another till I'm going to be ages "........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2017, 11:46:51 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 12, 2017, 11:21:36 PM
So was in Lidl today with 2 trolleys of booze ...when a little old lady came up behind me with just a pint of milk...........So asked ..is that all you got ....????

So I did the decent thing .... Thumbs:

So I said ...."if I were you I'd fuck off to another till I'm going to be ages "........ Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2017, 04:52:27 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2017, 11:46:51 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 12, 2017, 11:21:36 PM
So was in Lidl today with 2 trolleys of booze ...when a little old lady came up behind me with just a pint of milk...........So asked ..is that all you got ....????

So I did the decent thing .... Thumbs:

So I said ...."if I were you I'd fuck off to another till I'm going to be ages "........ Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 13, 2017, 06:16:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 13, 2017, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2017, 11:46:51 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 12, 2017, 11:21:36 PM
So was in Lidl today with 2 trolleys of booze ...when a little old lady came up behind me with just a pint of milk...........So asked ..is that all you got ....????

So I did the decent thing .... Thumbs:

So I said ...."if I were you I'd fuck off to another till I'm going to be ages "........ Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 22, 2017, 09:46:13 AM: 'Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 22, 2017, 09:52:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 22, 2017, 09:46:13 AM
'Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 22, 2017, 12:51:48 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 22, 2017, 09:52:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 22, 2017, 09:46:13 AM
'Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 16, 2017, 12:45:21 PM: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter, it’s an anagram

Thanks dad

No problem Alan lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 16, 2017, 01:01:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2017, 12:45:21 PM
Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter, it’s an anagram

Thanks dad

No problem Alan lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 16, 2017, 01:21:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2017, 01:01:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2017, 12:45:21 PM
Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter, it’s an anagram

Thanks dad

No problem Alan lol:
happy001

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2017, 05:57:39 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2017, 01:01:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2017, 12:45:21 PM
Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Because your mum loves Easter, it’s an anagram

Thanks dad

No problem Alan lol:
happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 29, 2017, 01:17:55 PM: Joshua v Klitschko

A friend of mine has 2 ringside tickets for the Joshua v klitschko fight. He paid £2500 each but he didn't realise when he bought them it was on the same day as his wedding, If you're interested he is looking for someone to take his place for FREE!!
It's at St Ignatious Church in Lancashire at 3pm the brides name is Julie she's 5'4" about 115lbs she's a good cook too. She will be the one in the white dress.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2017, 01:30:17 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 29, 2017, 01:17:55 PM
Joshua v Klitschko

A friend of mine has 2 ringside tickets for the Joshua v klitschko fight. He paid £2500 each but he didn't realise when he bought them it was on the same day as his wedding, If you're interested he is looking for someone to take his place for FREE!!
It's at St Ignatious Church in Lancashire at 3pm the brides name is Julie she's 5'4" about 115lbs she's a good cook too. She will be the one in the white dress.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 30, 2017, 12:52:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 29, 2017, 01:17:55 PM
Joshua v Klitschko

A friend of mine has 2 ringside tickets for the Joshua v klitschko fight. He paid £2500 each but he didn't realise when he bought them it was on the same day as his wedding, If you're interested he is looking for someone to take his place for FREE!!
It's at St Ignatious Church in Lancashire at 3pm the brides name is Julie she's 5'4" about 115lbs she's a good cook too. She will be the one in the white dress.

I use that one ......... Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 01, 2017, 02:51:03 PM: (https://s21.postimg.org/4jiw8n9xf/gas.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/4jiw8n9xf/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2017, 03:33:33 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 01, 2017, 02:51:03 PM

(https://s21.postimg.org/4jiw8n9xf/gas.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/4jiw8n9xf/)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2017, 02:18:47 PM: https://twitter.com/itnsourcenews/status/860446858883321856/video/1

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2017, 09:25:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2017, 03:33:33 PM
Quote from: Nick on May 01, 2017, 02:51:03 PM

(https://s21.postimg.org/4jiw8n9xf/gas.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/4jiw8n9xf/)
happy001
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 12, 2017, 05:56:45 PM: I just got asked for the time by an Argos delivery driver... I told him it was between 8am and 1pm
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 12, 2017, 06:01:20 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2017, 06:20:27 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 12, 2017, 05:56:45 PM
I just got asked for the time by an Argos delivery driver... I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 12, 2017, 09:14:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 12, 2017, 06:20:27 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 12, 2017, 05:56:45 PM
I just got asked for the time by an Argos delivery driver... I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 13, 2017, 08:31:31 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2017, 09:14:45 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 12, 2017, 06:20:27 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 12, 2017, 05:56:45 PM
I just got asked for the time by an Argos delivery driver... I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 16, 2017, 02:52:28 PM: possibly an Affs but whatever

When you're seventy

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2017, 03:17:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 16, 2017, 02:52:28 PM
possibly an Affs but whatever

When you're seventy

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy..............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy...............who cares?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on May 18, 2017, 11:41:40 AM: A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2017, 11:50:42 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 18, 2017, 11:41:40 AM
A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 18, 2017, 12:30:48 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 18, 2017, 11:50:42 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 18, 2017, 11:41:40 AM
A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 18, 2017, 12:34:05 PM: And Count Dracula said it was 'O'

Is it time for my Count and paper tape story from 1975? (I may have told it before)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2017, 12:36:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 18, 2017, 12:34:05 PM
And Count Dracula said it was 'O'

Is it time for my Count and paper tape story from 1975? (I may have told it before)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 21, 2017, 09:44:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 18, 2017, 11:50:42 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 18, 2017, 11:41:40 AM
A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

happy001
;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 22, 2017, 08:12:13 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 21, 2017, 09:44:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 18, 2017, 11:50:42 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on May 18, 2017, 11:41:40 AM
A teacher asks what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'
The teacher walks to him and says "Why is that, Angus?"

happy001
;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 30, 2017, 07:49:28 PM: Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, a squaddie although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old oppos. So, he said to his new wife, a wrac
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the pub, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wrac wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 20 different kinds of beer and lager, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Belgium, India, etc.
The Squaddie husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the pub...you know...they have special glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a special glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge box of glasses out, a glass for every lager.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the pub they have these snacks that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks, Poochie?" She opened the pantry and took out 5 dishes of different snacks: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, crisps, pork scratchings.
"But my sweet honey...at the pub....you know there's man talk, swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN SPECIAL GLASS, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' SNACKS. BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND AINT GOING TO A F*CKIN' PUB! THAT SHIT IS OVER... GOT IT, YOU TWAT?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2017, 06:44:39 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 30, 2017, 07:49:28 PM
Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, a squaddie although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old oppos. So, he said to his new wife, a wrac
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the pub, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wrac wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 20 different kinds of beer and lager, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Belgium, India, etc.
The Squaddie husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the pub...you know...they have special glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a special glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge box of glasses out, a glass for every lager.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the pub they have these snacks that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks, Poochie?" She opened the pantry and took out 5 dishes of different snacks: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, crisps, pork scratchings.
"But my sweet honey...at the pub....you know there's man talk, swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?...LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN SPECIAL GLASS, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' SNACKS. BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND AINT GOING TO A F*CKIN' PUB! THAT SHIT IS OVER... GOT IT, YOU TWAT?"
...and they lived happily ever after.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 07, 2017, 11:05:36 AM: Here are six things that scare Brits SHITLESS more than terrorism.

RAIL REPLACEMENT BUSES – Nothing says ‘you’re all fucked’ more than turning up at your local station and seeing some clapped-out double-decker 1989 piece of shit waiting to whisk you to your destination via the arse end of nowhere because Network Rail decided that your local line wasn’t trainy enough this week.

CANCELLING CORONATION STREET / EASTENDERS – Nothing makes British people lose their shit like turning over to BBC One for Eastenders only to be presented with the FA Cup first round match between Pongleton Athletic and AFC Fuckknows from the 14th tier who might be up for a giantkilling. These same sad fucks are inconsolable when the Olympics are on, unaware that a magical and enchanting world exists outside of the latest edition of Take A Break.

WASPS – Bees serve a purpose in life with honey and pollination and shit, and so we tolerate them while they go about their business. On the other hand, their psychopathic cousin ‘the wasp’ has realised that it has fuck all purpose in life and so just goes around stinging everyone who looks at it funny. It’s the insect equivalent of that bloke in the Burberry hat in Wetherspoons who has eight Stellas and then wants to fight you because you stepped within ten feet of his ‘bird’ Shanelle.

SUMMER – As soon as we reach July and it is the ‘hottest summer since records began,’ we all raid Argos for 4ft pedestal fans in the misguided hope that it won’t just sit in the corner of your bedroom, circulating hot air and keeping you awake because it’s so … fucking … loud.

ELECTIONS – ‘Hey guys, just in case you hadn’t had enough fucking politics on an annual basis since 2014, here’s another steaming pile of politics for you.’ Fantastic! I was beginning to miss all of the Facebook memes telling me that Corbyn had a curry with Skeletor, eats live puppies and will kill us all with his weirdy-beardyness. Oh look, the Daily Mail managed to get a snapshot of Jezza pulling a face like he is shitting out a Westie Terrier sideways. Well done.

FACEBOOK MUMMY BUSINESSES – Of course it isn’t a pyramid scheme, it’s merely a multi-level marketing setup where the top layer is very, very narrow and it gets wider and wider as you move further and further down. How many cartons of horse piss do you need to shift this month to get a trip to Vegas and a Mercedes? Nice spelling as well. Fuck off.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2017, 04:07:24 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on June 08, 2017, 08:26:06 AM: happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2017, 11:08:46 AM: Quote
BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS SO FAR

DAVID DAVIS:
We have a firm mandate for Brexit!

EU:
Ha. No you don't. Your government just lost its majority spectacularly, and you're having to deal with fringe hate groups even to cling to power. Your leader is a joke.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to control and vet our immigrants!

EU:
You already can. Germany have been monitoring all immigrants for years, it's just that previous Labour and Tory governments didn't want to spend the cash.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to make our own laws!

EU:
You already can, and do. That's why Germany have laws in place to protect citizens from things like cheap flammable building cladding, and Britain don't. As always, for you Tories, it's always just about money.

DAVID DAVIS:
OK. Well we want to do a deal with Germany. They're the only country that counts any way, and we really like their cars. Like Trump said, come on Germany? Let's do a deal?

GERMANY:
No. F**k off. We are part of the EU. We're wouldn't sell out the other states for you, even if we could. Which we can't. They're called rules for a reason.

DAVID DAVIS:
But Brit....

EU:
We warned you.

DAVID DAVIS:
Oh bugger. OK, well the absolute minimum will Britain will accept, is if we can arrange the new trade deals at the same time as arranging the divorce. Non-negotiable!

EU:
Nope. Not gonna happen. Never was. We've said that from the beginning. You've been feeding your citizens false promises and bullsh*t, and now you're gonna have to pay the piper.

DAVID DAVIS:
Sh*t.

lol: lol: lol: I best get me coat
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2017, 04:41:00 PM: An Israeli doctor said, "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all way behind us, we took a woman with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland.....
... Now, half of Scotland is looking for work
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 02, 2017, 06:33:52 PM: I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 02, 2017, 06:42:18 PM: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 02, 2017, 08:04:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 02, 2017, 06:33:52 PM
I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

Another coffee meets keyboard moment. happy001 happy001 sleep021
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 03, 2017, 04:01:36 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 02, 2017, 06:33:52 PM
I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 03, 2017, 08:41:43 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 03, 2017, 04:01:36 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 02, 2017, 06:33:52 PM
I saw JK Rowling on the news earlier talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a little wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM: A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 11, 2017, 11:59:43 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 11, 2017, 02:19:15 PM: Quote from: Nick on July 11, 2017, 11:59:43 AM
tunble:
tunble: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2017, 02:45:44 PM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 12, 2017, 11:42:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
nonono: Don't encourage him
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 12, 2017, 11:53:18 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 12, 2017, 11:42:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
nonono: Don't encourage him

sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 12, 2017, 06:43:13 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 12, 2017, 11:42:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
nonono: Don't encourage him
rubschin:

Tis really simple. If I laugh I post a lol: or more, if I don't I don't

And since I laughed . . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 13, 2017, 03:49:36 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 12, 2017, 06:43:13 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 12, 2017, 11:42:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
nonono: Don't encourage him
rubschin:

Tis really simple. If I laugh I post a lol: or more, if I don't I don't

And since I laughed . . . . .

. . . . . You were pissed whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2017, 09:56:45 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on July 13, 2017, 03:49:36 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 12, 2017, 06:43:13 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 12, 2017, 11:42:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2017, 08:38:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2017, 09:35:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The barman says "If you want a punch, you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line...
lol: lol: lol:
nonono: Don't encourage him
rubschin:

Tis really simple. If I laugh I post a lol: or more, if I don't I don't

And since I laughed . . . . .

. . . . . You were pissed whistle:
evil: nope
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2017, 04:40:09 PM: The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Kids, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want silver, because silver is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Ferarri.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone,

Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 13, 2017, 04:40:53 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2017, 04:43:54 PM: A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph"s Hospital.

She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"The operator said, "I"ll be glad to help, dear. What"s the name and room number?"The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, Room 69".The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Sutherland, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday".The grandmother said, "Thank you. That"s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You"re more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?"The grandmother said, "No - I"m Katie Findlay in Room 69. No one tells me fuck all here."....................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 13, 2017, 04:45:09 PM: Affs? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2017, 04:48:07 PM: Quote from: Nick on July 13, 2017, 04:45:09 PM
Affs? rubschin:
Search engine didn't find it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 18, 2017, 09:21:45 AM: http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/ (http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 18, 2017, 10:03:17 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 18, 2017, 09:21:45 AM
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/ (http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 18, 2017, 11:05:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2017, 10:03:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 18, 2017, 09:21:45 AM
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/ (http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 18, 2017, 04:02:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2017, 11:05:38 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2017, 10:03:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 18, 2017, 09:21:45 AM
http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/ (http://newsthump.com/2016/03/14/hs2-will-allow-people-to-leave-birmingham-more-quickly-than-ever-pledges-government/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 18, 2017, 07:47:44 PM: A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 18, 2017, 08:21:31 PM: (Well this is actually from Mrs K's In Box as Henning Wehn writes to her)

Dear Friends Of German Comedy...

Rhodri Philipps has been sentenced to 12 weeks in prison for offering £5k to anyone for running over anti-Brexit campaigner Gina Miller.
Mind you, knowing the namby-pamby nature of the British criminal justice system he’ll be out in six. Call me old-fashioned, but 12 weeks should mean 12 weeks.

Public opinion on the sentencing is divided. Some claim if he had been a Muslim rather than the 4th Viscount St Davids (to anyone foreign: this is actually a thing), Philipps would have been given a longer sentence whilst others feel no-one should be locked up for stuff they post on social media.

Sadly both schools of thought are missing the core problem with the story: it makes Britain look like a third world country.

£5k might be an incentive in the sort of places the very people are from, Philipps doesn’t want to see here, but in an industrialised country no-one should commit a murder for any less than, say, £50k. Mad Frankie Fraser would be turning in his grave if he knew about this kind of wage dumping.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole affair turns out to be a Home Office ploy to deter foreign hitmen / immigrants from settling in Britain.

Have a great summer Henning
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 19, 2017, 07:22:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2017, 07:47:44 PM
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on July 19, 2017, 04:41:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2017, 07:47:44 PM
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
...
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

I'll get me coat.

happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 27, 2017, 08:18:06 PM: Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 27, 2017, 10:08:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 27, 2017, 08:18:06 PM
Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is.
drumroll: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 29, 2017, 03:52:18 PM: A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: £5.00
+Broiled Missionary: £10.00
+Fried Explorer: £15.00
+Baked Tory or Grilled Labour: £100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 31, 2017, 02:01:32 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 27, 2017, 10:08:33 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 27, 2017, 08:18:06 PM
Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is.
drumroll: :thumbsup:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2017, 09:56:06 AM: A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 04, 2017, 09:57:29 AM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 04, 2017, 10:00:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 04, 2017, 09:56:06 AM
A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 04, 2017, 07:54:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 04, 2017, 10:00:48 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 04, 2017, 09:56:06 AM
A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 05, 2017, 10:14:24 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 04, 2017, 07:54:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 04, 2017, 10:00:48 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 04, 2017, 09:56:06 AM
A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 10, 2017, 06:19:04 PM: I saw the wife at the bank today. I'm a bit worried now as I thought she'd float further down river.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 10, 2017, 06:23:57 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 10, 2017, 06:19:04 PM
I saw the wife at the bank today. I'm a bit worried now as I thought she'd float further down river.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 10, 2017, 06:25:59 PM: LL!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 11, 2017, 10:17:28 PM: Jack and Jill were just married....... Jack said to Jill "Try on my trousers." Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big." Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will." Jill said, "You try on my knickers." Jack said, "I'll never get in them." Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your f**king attitude you never will !!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 12, 2017, 09:44:42 AM: And to think that some people get upset about them nicking yer chips (http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/seagull-testicle/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 12, 2017, 09:45:27 AM: http://www.suffolkgazette.com/category/features/lady-garden/ (http://www.suffolkgazette.com/category/features/lady-garden/) lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 12, 2017, 09:54:16 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 12, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
And to think that some people get upset about them nicking yer chips (http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/seagull-testicle/)

Holy fuck! eeek: Shocked: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 12, 2017, 09:55:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 12, 2017, 09:45:27 AM
http://www.suffolkgazette.com/category/features/lady-garden/ (http://www.suffolkgazette.com/category/features/lady-garden/) lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 12, 2017, 02:42:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 12, 2017, 09:54:16 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 12, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
And to think that some people get upset about them nicking yer chips (http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/seagull-testicle/)

Holy fuck! eeek: Shocked: sick2:
facepalm: and today's winner of the 'I fell for a spoof news site' prize is . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2017, 11:05:06 AM: BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 20, 2017, 11:14:52 AM: A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew
out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That” s right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 20, 2017, 11:22:51 AM: happy001 both :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 20, 2017, 06:12:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2017, 11:22:51 AM
happy001 both :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol: to both
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 20, 2017, 06:58:22 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 20, 2017, 06:12:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2017, 11:22:51 AM
happy001 both :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol: to both
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Wot they said
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 24, 2017, 08:49:28 AM: https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/ (https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 24, 2017, 08:56:08 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 24, 2017, 08:49:28 AM
https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/ (https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 24, 2017, 09:16:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 24, 2017, 08:56:08 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 24, 2017, 08:49:28 AM
https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/ (https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/)

lol: lol: lol:

How about southerner terrifies northerners by walking on two legs?

I'll get me coat
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 24, 2017, 10:13:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 24, 2017, 08:56:08 AM
Quote from: Nick on August 24, 2017, 08:49:28 AM
https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/ (https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/1292211330888032/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 25, 2017, 07:03:00 AM: FACEBOOK LAUNCHES ‘LOOK AT ME I’M AT THE FUCKING AIRPORT’ BUTTON (http://southendnewsnetwork.com/news/facebook-launches-look-at-me-im-at-the-fucking-airport-button/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2017, 08:19:50 AM: lol: lol: lol:

I like that button :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 25, 2017, 01:58:03 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2017, 08:19:50 AM
lol: lol: lol:

I like that button :thumbsup:
It's so literally like a lifesaver

Oh and lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on August 25, 2017, 09:13:33 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on August 25, 2017, 08:19:50 AM
lol: lol: lol:

I like that button :thumbsup:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 07, 2017, 02:01:05 PM: The Manchester United manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later United are 2-0 down with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them.
The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3.
They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me."
"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street,
your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing
police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.
But its OK because you’re having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm really sorry."

"Sorry..!!! Sorry...!!!" says his mum.
"It's your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 07, 2017, 02:02:00 PM: While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 07, 2017, 08:15:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 07, 2017, 02:01:05 PM
The Manchester United manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later United are 2-0 down with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them.
The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3.
They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me."
"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street,
your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing
police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.
But its OK because you’re having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm really sorry."

"Sorry..!!! Sorry...!!!" says his mum.
"It's your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place!'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 11, 2017, 08:17:44 AM: (https://s26.postimg.org/tzupq0zmt/grans.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/tzupq0zmt/)

Please help.... my friend's gran and her friend Pauline been missing since Monday. Both vulnerable...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 11, 2017, 08:27:38 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 11, 2017, 08:17:44 AM

(https://s26.postimg.org/tzupq0zmt/grans.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/tzupq0zmt/)

Please help.... my friend's gran and her friend Pauline been missing since Monday. Both vulnerable...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 13, 2017, 08:45:49 AM: When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 13, 2017, 08:47:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 13, 2017, 08:45:49 AM
When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2017, 10:48:06 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 13, 2017, 08:45:49 AM
When I see lovers names carved in a tree trunk, I don't really think its cute but actually kind of disturbing how many people would bring knives with them on a date..

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 13, 2017, 10:59:10 PM: "I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2017, 04:37:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 13, 2017, 10:59:10 PM
"I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 17, 2017, 06:44:51 AM: https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148 (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 17, 2017, 06:54:59 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 17, 2017, 06:44:51 AM
https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148 (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2017, 07:52:03 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 17, 2017, 06:54:59 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 17, 2017, 06:44:51 AM
https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148 (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148)

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 17, 2017, 09:16:49 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2017, 07:52:03 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 17, 2017, 06:54:59 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 17, 2017, 06:44:51 AM
https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148 (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g187069-d2621716-r520995148-Woodhouse_Gardens-Manchester_Greater_Manchester_England.html#review520995148)

happy001

happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2017, 02:22:35 PM: (https://foreignpolicymag.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/al-walaki23.jpg)

"Our Souls" - Bloody speech to text software. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2017, 02:25:56 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2017, 02:22:35 PM
(https://foreignpolicymag.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/al-walaki23.jpg)

"Our Souls" - Bloody speech to text software. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 25, 2017, 08:40:51 AM: prolly an Affs but . . . .

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 26, 2017, 08:24:15 PM: Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 29, 2017, 12:21:23 PM: https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf (https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2017, 01:29:36 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 29, 2017, 12:21:23 PM
https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf (https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM: (https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2017, 02:36:47 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2017, 04:33:08 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2017, 02:36:47 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2017, 04:33:56 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 29, 2017, 05:50:24 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2017, 04:33:08 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2017, 02:36:47 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 29, 2017, 05:50:54 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 29, 2017, 01:29:36 PM
Quote from: Nick on September 29, 2017, 12:21:23 PM
https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf (https://www.facebook.com/PokeHQ/?hc_ref=ARRctKSyNivPkh_Z1RhBPQKm3wK1yHMM0mccMghF40QoLQPAzsoHx-xrrLx33G1AgZQ&fref=nf)
lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 02, 2017, 07:46:37 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on October 03, 2017, 08:58:28 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
I went to a Country and Western concert in Las Vegas.

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 03, 2017, 09:42:21 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 03, 2017, 08:58:28 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
I went to a Country and Western concert in Las Vegas.

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 04, 2017, 12:07:23 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 03, 2017, 09:42:21 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 03, 2017, 08:58:28 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
I went to a Country and Western concert in Las Vegas.

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

lol: lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2017, 03:17:26 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 03, 2017, 08:58:28 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
I went to a Country and Western concert in Las Vegas.

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 04, 2017, 06:03:42 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 04, 2017, 12:07:23 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 03, 2017, 09:42:21 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on October 03, 2017, 08:58:28 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on October 01, 2017, 09:53:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2017, 08:48:07 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on September 29, 2017, 02:35:54 PM
(https://i.redd.it/qqd6td7yeaoz.jpg)

Thumbs:

Why do I get the feeling that Padlock Pockets is considering this for real... rubschin:
I went to a Country and Western concert in Las Vegas.

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

lol: lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 04, 2017, 10:13:13 PM: Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: “You sign! You sign!”. Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. “You sign! You sign!” Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!.” and shuts the door in the Japanese man’s face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling “You sign! You sign!” Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: “Look, get lost!! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” then slams the door in the Japanese man’s face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, when he hears a knock on the door again. After opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!”. Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who is it, you want to give all these car parts to?” The little Japanese man is a bit puzzled, so checking his clipboard again, he looks up and says: “You not Nissan Maindealer?”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 05, 2017, 12:35:05 AM: Groan noooo: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on October 05, 2017, 03:06:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 04, 2017, 10:13:13 PM
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: “You sign! You sign!”. Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. “You sign! You sign!” Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!.” and shuts the door in the Japanese man’s face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling “You sign! You sign!” Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: “Look, get lost!! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” then slams the door in the Japanese man’s face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, when he hears a knock on the door again. After opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!”. Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who is it, you want to give all these car parts to?” The little Japanese man is a bit puzzled, so checking his clipboard again, he looks up and says: “You not Nissan Maindealer?”

Fresh? There are moths in Apey's wallet that are younger than that joke... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2017, 07:17:14 PM: Well I've just been given some financial good news, it seem's the African lad I was sponsoring has been eaten by a lion
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 08, 2017, 01:49:37 PM: Barry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the f*ck have you been"?
Barry replies "I was out getting a Tattoo",
"A Tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of Tattoo did you get"?
"I got a Tattoo of a £50 pound note on my Knob" he said proudly.
"What the Hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would you get a £50 pound note Tattooed on your Knob"?
"Well, 4 Reasons - One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and Blow £50 quid anytime you want."
If you wish to visit.
Barry is in the Royal London Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 09, 2017, 07:47:57 AM: New variation, old theme:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu the chairman
of ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC). EFCC in
alliance with economic community of West African states
(ECOWAS) with head Office here in Nigeria. We have been
working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam
Artists in Western part of Africa With the help of United
States Government and the United Nations and some corrupt
official adminstrators Mr Ibrahim Lamorde has been sacked
who happen to be the former EFCC chairman.

We have been able to track down so many
of this scam artist in various parts of west African
countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO,
GHANA CAMEROUN AND SENEGAL) and they are all in our custody
here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have been able to recover so much
money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-crime
commission and the United State Government have ordered the
money recovered from the Scammers to be shared among 100
Lucky people around the globe.

This email is being directed to you
because your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in
Nigeria and with the information gartered from this Scam
artist, you notice that you have been scammed of so much
money and have decided to compensate you with a little token
to recover the lost of your fund. You are therefore being
compensated with the total sum $ 3.5 Million Dollars. We have
also arrested all those who claim that they are barristers,
bank officials, Inheritance, Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or
want you to be the next of kin of such funds which does not
exist.

Since your name appeared among the
lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of
US $ 3.5 Million, we have made arrangement to register an
Online Banking through our Global Bank, where you will have
full access to your Online Banking Account Fund, to transfer
your fund personally to your Private Bank Account with no
complication of things or questioning as the Account will be
fully registered in your Name.

Feel free to contact the processing
officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. The online Banking Processing
It is made much easier for you to transfer your fund to your
private Bank Account personally, to avoid any delay or
complication of things. With this Online Banking Transfer
Processing, you can only transfer the Maximum Amount of
US $ 500.000.00 daily / install mentally until the total amount
of your Compensated / deposited fund is transferred and
completely paid to you and also if you choose to recieve your
payment VIA ATM CARD its is still accepted so you get back to him
with your choice of payment.

So you are advice to contact,
processing officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. with your provided
information? required for verification below.

CONTACT PERSON: MR SAMUEL JAMES.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS: samueljames3055@gmail.com
CELL PHONE: +2349074037062

Provide the information below to enable
the processing of your Online Banking Account for deposition
of your total compensated fund.

1) YOUR FULL NAME.
2) YOUR ADDRESS.
3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.
4) YOUR OCCUPATION
5) YOUR IDENTITY.
6) COUNTRY

Contact MR SAMUEL JAMES. with the
information required for verification to enable him start
the processing of your Online Banking Account
Registration.

We guarantee your safety and wish you
the best of luck.

Best Regard,
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME
COMMISSION
(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS
DEPT,
LAGOS-NIGERIA
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 09, 2017, 07:50:06 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 09, 2017, 07:47:57 AM
New variation, old theme:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu the chairman
of ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC). EFCC in
alliance with economic community of West African states
(ECOWAS) with head Office here in Nigeria. We have been
working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam
Artists in Western part of Africa With the help of United
States Government and the United Nations and some corrupt
official adminstrators Mr Ibrahim Lamorde has been sacked
who happen to be the former EFCC chairman.

We have been able to track down so many
of this scam artist in various parts of west African
countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO,
GHANA CAMEROUN AND SENEGAL) and they are all in our custody
here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have been able to recover so much
money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-crime
commission and the United State Government have ordered the
money recovered from the Scammers to be shared among 100
Lucky people around the globe.

This email is being directed to you
because your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in
Nigeria and with the information gartered from this Scam
artist, you notice that you have been scammed of so much
money and have decided to compensate you with a little token
to recover the lost of your fund. You are therefore being
compensated with the total sum $ 3.5 Million Dollars. We have
also arrested all those who claim that they are barristers,
bank officials, Inheritance, Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or
want you to be the next of kin of such funds which does not
exist.

Since your name appeared among the
lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of
US $ 3.5 Million, we have made arrangement to register an
Online Banking through our Global Bank, where you will have
full access to your Online Banking Account Fund, to transfer
your fund personally to your Private Bank Account with no
complication of things or questioning as the Account will be
fully registered in your Name.

Feel free to contact the processing
officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. The online Banking Processing
It is made much easier for you to transfer your fund to your
private Bank Account personally, to avoid any delay or
complication of things. With this Online Banking Transfer
Processing, you can only transfer the Maximum Amount of
US $ 500.000.00 daily / install mentally until the total amount
of your Compensated / deposited fund is transferred and
completely paid to you and also if you choose to recieve your
payment VIA ATM CARD its is still accepted so you get back to him
with your choice of payment.

So you are advice to contact,
processing officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. with your provided
information? required for verification below.

CONTACT PERSON: MR SAMUEL JAMES.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS: samueljames3055@gmail.com
CELL PHONE: +2349074037062

Provide the information below to enable
the processing of your Online Banking Account for deposition
of your total compensated fund.

1) YOUR FULL NAME.
2) YOUR ADDRESS.
3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.
4) YOUR OCCUPATION
5) YOUR IDENTITY.
6) COUNTRY

Contact MR SAMUEL JAMES. with the
information required for verification to enable him start
the processing of your Online Banking Account
Registration.

We guarantee your safety and wish you
the best of luck.

Best Regard,
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME
COMMISSION
(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS
DEPT,
LAGOS-NIGERIA

lol: lol: lol:

Nice one! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 09, 2017, 08:46:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 09, 2017, 07:50:06 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 09, 2017, 07:47:57 AM
New variation, old theme:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu the chairman
of ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC). EFCC in
alliance with economic community of West African states
(ECOWAS) with head Office here in Nigeria. We have been
working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam
Artists in Western part of Africa With the help of United
States Government and the United Nations and some corrupt
official adminstrators Mr Ibrahim Lamorde has been sacked
who happen to be the former EFCC chairman.

We have been able to track down so many
of this scam artist in various parts of west African
countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO,
GHANA CAMEROUN AND SENEGAL) and they are all in our custody
here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have been able to recover so much
money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-crime
commission and the United State Government have ordered the
money recovered from the Scammers to be shared among 100
Lucky people around the globe.

This email is being directed to you
because your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in
Nigeria and with the information gartered from this Scam
artist, you notice that you have been scammed of so much
money and have decided to compensate you with a little token
to recover the lost of your fund. You are therefore being
compensated with the total sum $ 3.5 Million Dollars. We have
also arrested all those who claim that they are barristers,
bank officials, Inheritance, Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or
want you to be the next of kin of such funds which does not
exist.

Since your name appeared among the
lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of
US $ 3.5 Million, we have made arrangement to register an
Online Banking through our Global Bank, where you will have
full access to your Online Banking Account Fund, to transfer
your fund personally to your Private Bank Account with no
complication of things or questioning as the Account will be
fully registered in your Name.

Feel free to contact the processing
officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. The online Banking Processing
It is made much easier for you to transfer your fund to your
private Bank Account personally, to avoid any delay or
complication of things. With this Online Banking Transfer
Processing, you can only transfer the Maximum Amount of
US $ 500.000.00 daily / install mentally until the total amount
of your Compensated / deposited fund is transferred and
completely paid to you and also if you choose to recieve your
payment VIA ATM CARD its is still accepted so you get back to him
with your choice of payment.

So you are advice to contact,
processing officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. with your provided
information? required for verification below.

CONTACT PERSON: MR SAMUEL JAMES.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS: samueljames3055@gmail.com
CELL PHONE: +2349074037062

Provide the information below to enable
the processing of your Online Banking Account for deposition
of your total compensated fund.

1) YOUR FULL NAME.
2) YOUR ADDRESS.
3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.
4) YOUR OCCUPATION
5) YOUR IDENTITY.
6) COUNTRY

Contact MR SAMUEL JAMES. with the
information required for verification to enable him start
the processing of your Online Banking Account
Registration.

We guarantee your safety and wish you
the best of luck.

Best Regard,
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME
COMMISSION
(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS
DEPT,
LAGOS-NIGERIA

lol: lol: lol:

Nice one! :thumbsup:
"install mentally" happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 09, 2017, 08:54:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 09, 2017, 08:46:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 09, 2017, 07:50:06 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 09, 2017, 07:47:57 AM
New variation, old theme:

I am Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu the chairman
of ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC). EFCC in
alliance with economic community of West African states
(ECOWAS) with head Office here in Nigeria. We have been
working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam
Artists in Western part of Africa With the help of United
States Government and the United Nations and some corrupt
official adminstrators Mr Ibrahim Lamorde has been sacked
who happen to be the former EFCC chairman.

We have been able to track down so many
of this scam artist in various parts of west African
countries which includes (NIGERIA, REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO,
GHANA CAMEROUN AND SENEGAL) and they are all in our custody
here in Lagos Nigeria.

We have been able to recover so much
money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-crime
commission and the United State Government have ordered the
money recovered from the Scammers to be shared among 100
Lucky people around the globe.

This email is being directed to you
because your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in our custody here in
Nigeria and with the information gartered from this Scam
artist, you notice that you have been scammed of so much
money and have decided to compensate you with a little token
to recover the lost of your fund. You are therefore being
compensated with the total sum $ 3.5 Million Dollars. We have
also arrested all those who claim that they are barristers,
bank officials, Inheritance, Lottery Agents who has money for transfer or
want you to be the next of kin of such funds which does not
exist.

Since your name appeared among the
lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation of
US $ 3.5 Million, we have made arrangement to register an
Online Banking through our Global Bank, where you will have
full access to your Online Banking Account Fund, to transfer
your fund personally to your Private Bank Account with no
complication of things or questioning as the Account will be
fully registered in your Name.

Feel free to contact the processing
officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. The online Banking Processing
It is made much easier for you to transfer your fund to your
private Bank Account personally, to avoid any delay or
complication of things. With this Online Banking Transfer
Processing, you can only transfer the Maximum Amount of
US $ 500.000.00 daily / install mentally until the total amount
of your Compensated / deposited fund is transferred and
completely paid to you and also if you choose to recieve your
payment VIA ATM CARD its is still accepted so you get back to him
with your choice of payment.

So you are advice to contact,
processing officer MR SAMUEL JAMES. with your provided
information? required for verification below.

CONTACT PERSON: MR SAMUEL JAMES.
CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS: samueljames3055@gmail.com
CELL PHONE: +2349074037062

Provide the information below to enable
the processing of your Online Banking Account for deposition
of your total compensated fund.

1) YOUR FULL NAME.
2) YOUR ADDRESS.
3) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.
4) YOUR OCCUPATION
5) YOUR IDENTITY.
6) COUNTRY

Contact MR SAMUEL JAMES. with the
information required for verification to enable him start
the processing of your Online Banking Account
Registration.

We guarantee your safety and wish you
the best of luck.

Best Regard,
Mr. Ibrahim Mustafa Magu
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME
COMMISSION
(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS
DEPT,
LAGOS-NIGERIA

lol: lol: lol:

Nice one! :thumbsup:
"install mentally" happy001
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 10, 2017, 08:38:50 AM: https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/ (https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/) razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2017, 09:31:25 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 10, 2017, 08:38:50 AM
https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/ (https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/) razz:
happy002 brilliant
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2017, 10:57:26 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2017, 09:31:25 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 10, 2017, 08:38:50 AM
https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/ (https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/) razz:
happy002 brilliant

Splendid! happy001

Buy online eh...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2017, 11:40:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 10, 2017, 10:57:26 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2017, 09:31:25 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 10, 2017, 08:38:50 AM
https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/ (https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/) razz:
happy002 brilliant

Splendid! happy001

Buy online eh...? rubschin:
I was sad enough to look redface: Abut 12p each delivered on Amazon (other suppliers are available - not in Cyprus)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2017, 11:46:55 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6D-IhrMw-Q (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6D-IhrMw-Q)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2017, 12:32:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2017, 11:46:55 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6D-IhrMw-Q (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6D-IhrMw-Q)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2017, 12:38:37 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2017, 11:40:48 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 10, 2017, 10:57:26 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2017, 09:31:25 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 10, 2017, 08:38:50 AM
https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/ (https://www.facebook.com/teamcoco/videos/1624058697653006/) razz:
happy002 brilliant

Splendid! happy001

Buy online eh...? rubschin:
I was sad enough to look redface: Abut 12p each delivered on Amazon (other suppliers are available - not in Cyprus)

£0.74 for 20 and they deliver to Cyprus! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 10, 2017, 12:39:31 PM: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2017, 01:17:40 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 10, 2017, 12:39:31 PM
eveilgrin:

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2017, 06:55:40 PM: One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called His angels and sent one to Earth for a time. When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time. When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...' God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on October 10, 2017, 07:34:17 PM: I got one cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2017, 07:45:05 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on October 10, 2017, 07:34:17 PM
I got one cloud9:

cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2017, 08:29:32 AM: (https://s1.postimg.org/62blp7ou4b/scots.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/62blp7ou4b/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2017, 09:19:41 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 11, 2017, 08:29:32 AM

(https://s1.postimg.org/62blp7ou4b/scots.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/62blp7ou4b/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 12, 2017, 10:26:19 PM: The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 12, 2017, 11:23:20 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 13, 2017, 04:00:31 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 12, 2017, 11:23:20 PM
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 13, 2017, 08:06:11 AM: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/women-forced-to-attend-thermostat-awareness-course-20171012137386 (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/women-forced-to-attend-thermostat-awareness-course-20171012137386)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 13, 2017, 09:03:58 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 13, 2017, 08:06:11 AM
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/women-forced-to-attend-thermostat-awareness-course-20171012137386 (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/women-forced-to-attend-thermostat-awareness-course-20171012137386)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 13, 2017, 09:31:30 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 13, 2017, 04:00:31 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 12, 2017, 11:23:20 PM
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 18, 2017, 06:30:57 AM: http://www.facebook.com/StudentProblems/videos/1025577640902302/ (http://www.facebook.com/StudentProblems/videos/1025577640902302/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2017, 06:35:34 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 18, 2017, 06:30:57 AM
http://www.facebook.com/StudentProblems/videos/1025577640902302/ (http://www.facebook.com/StudentProblems/videos/1025577640902302/)

Aaaahhhh.... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2017, 06:25:36 PM: Think about it...

Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a fit, healthy and extremely motivated person...

...stay lazy my friends, stay lazy....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: boogs on October 19, 2017, 08:02:50 PM: After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 19, 2017, 08:03:32 PM: Quote from: boogs on October 19, 2017, 08:02:50 PM
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 19, 2017, 08:05:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 19, 2017, 06:25:36 PM
Think about it...

Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a fit, healthy and extremely motivated person...

...stay lazy my friends, stay lazy....
:thumbsup:

Sort of like the weazels don't get sucked into jet engines analogy
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2017, 08:12:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 19, 2017, 08:05:44 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 19, 2017, 06:25:36 PM
Think about it...

Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a fit, healthy and extremely motivated person...

...stay lazy my friends, stay lazy....
:thumbsup:

Sort of like the weazels don't get sucked into jet engines analogy

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 07:25:04 AM: ! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGb8pMIeY6w#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2017, 07:30:12 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 31, 2017, 07:25:04 AM
! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGb8pMIeY6w#)

AFFS! ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2017, 07:31:47 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2017, 04:26:02 PM: Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its
family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You didn't really believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it. Must stop drinking.
I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 02, 2017, 04:27:08 PM: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2017, 05:02:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 02, 2017, 04:26:02 PM
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its
family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You didn't really believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it. Must stop drinking.
I'll get me coat.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 08:09:00 AM: Sports Quiz.

Name the venue and year that a boxer had a shit on the floor straight after being awarded the title...?

Crufts 1987.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 08:11:33 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 11:18:04 AM: https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2532923780063999/ (https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2532923780063999/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 02:35:44 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 11:18:04 AM
https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2532923780063999/ (https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2532923780063999/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 02:40:59 PM: I laughed so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 05, 2017, 02:53:55 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 02:40:59 PM
I laughed so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack redface:
Well it's a virtual whatimage: here
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 02:55:05 PM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 03:05:50 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 02:40:59 PM
I laughed so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack redface:

Did you...? Popcorn:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:06:48 PM: No evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 03:07:48 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:06:48 PM
No evil:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:12:28 PM: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 03:13:54 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:12:28 PM
sad32:

Got me suit on... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:18:15 PM: sad32: sad32:

I am back in for more sodding surgery soon. You may need it scared2: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 03:36:57 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:18:15 PM
sad32: sad32:

I am back in for more sodding surgery soon. You may need it scared2: scared2:

I'll keep it on like! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:38:07 PM: I cut you out of my will. You are no longer getting the sierra or my owld jumpers angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2017, 04:04:42 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 03:38:07 PM
I cut you out of my will. You are no longer getting the sierra or my owld jumpers angel1

cloud9:

I should buy a lottery ticket... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 04:05:31 PM: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 05, 2017, 06:13:52 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 05, 2017, 02:55:05 PM
point:
Finger:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 05, 2017, 06:14:15 PM: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 09, 2017, 11:07:16 AM: http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/ (http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 09, 2017, 11:23:53 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 09, 2017, 11:07:16 AM
http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/ (http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/)

lol: lol: lol:

Earworm! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 09, 2017, 03:01:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 09, 2017, 11:23:53 AM
Quote from: Nick on November 09, 2017, 11:07:16 AM
http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/ (http://newsthump.com/2017/11/09/all-future-uk-government-business-to-be-conducted-alongside-the-benny-hill-theme/)

lol: lol: lol:

Earworm! cussing:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 10:29:51 AM: https://truththeory.com/2017/01/16/people-posting-pics-animals-called-good-boy/?utm_source=TMhttp://
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2017, 10:51:00 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 10:29:51 AM
https://truththeory.com/2017/01/16/people-posting-pics-animals-called-good-boy/?utm_source=TMhttp://
rubschin: #17 scared2:

Good Boy Nick
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2017, 12:03:25 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 10:29:51 AM
https://truththeory.com/2017/01/16/people-posting-pics-animals-called-good-boy/?utm_source=TMhttp://

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 18, 2017, 12:28:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 18, 2017, 12:03:25 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 10:29:51 AM
https://truththeory.com/2017/01/16/people-posting-pics-animals-called-good-boy/?utm_source=TMhttp://

lol: lol: lol:

Thank God for cats :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:30:30 PM: The two here seem to have been asleep for 24 hours noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2017, 12:40:38 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:30:30 PM
The two here seem to have been asleep for 24 hours noooo:

Dead... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:45:23 PM: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2017, 12:51:41 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:45:23 PM
eeek: eeek: eeek:

Prod them with a stick like...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:57:03 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2017, 01:42:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 18, 2017, 12:51:41 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 12:45:23 PM
eeek: eeek: eeek:

Prod them with a stick like...
And end up NickSick ?

Foolproof way to find out if a cat is alive. Open or rattle a packet of Dreamies within 20 ft of them. That ad where the cats literally burst through the wall wasn't far from the truth
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 01:51:25 PM: There are some cat treats here "for if they have been good" Shrugs: Shrugs:

At least that's what it says on the Post It note facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2017, 02:14:01 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 18, 2017, 01:51:25 PM
There are some cat treats here "for if they have been good" Shrugs: Shrugs:

At least that's what it says on the Post It note facepalm:

You have your own thread ......... cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 18, 2017, 02:15:18 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 19, 2017, 04:42:40 PM: A Scot is propping up a bar and ogling the young barmaid as she walks away.
He beckons the Landlord over and leans across to him.

Jock: "Ye ken a' do love a pert wee arse"

Landlord: "Really? Bill or John?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2017, 04:57:48 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 19, 2017, 04:42:40 PM
A Scot is propping up a bar and ogling the young barmaid as she walks away.
He beckons the Landlord over and leans across to him.

Jock: "Ye ken a' do love a pert wee arse"

Landlord: "Really? Bill or John?"

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 19, 2017, 10:43:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2017, 04:57:48 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 19, 2017, 04:42:40 PM
A Scot is propping up a bar and ogling the young barmaid as she walks away.
He beckons the Landlord over and leans across to him.

Jock: "Ye ken a' do love a pert wee arse"

Landlord: "Really? Bill or John?"

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2017, 06:46:28 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 19, 2017, 10:43:33 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2017, 04:57:48 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 19, 2017, 04:42:40 PM
A Scot is propping up a bar and ogling the young barmaid as she walks away.
He beckons the Landlord over and leans across to him.

Jock: "Ye ken a' do love a pert wee arse"

Landlord: "Really? Bill or John?"

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2017, 06:49:25 PM: The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a feckin rabbit!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 10:15:36 PM: (https://s2.postimg.org/7bmpgds8l/dwarf_bath.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/7bmpgds8l/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 10:16:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 10:15:36 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/7bmpgds8l/dwarf_bath.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/7bmpgds8l/)

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 22, 2017, 10:17:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 10:16:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 10:15:36 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/7bmpgds8l/dwarf_bath.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/7bmpgds8l/)

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 22, 2017, 10:55:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 22, 2017, 10:17:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 10:16:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 10:15:36 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/7bmpgds8l/dwarf_bath.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/7bmpgds8l/)

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 11:12:41 PM: (https://s2.postimg.org/cfikid311/kangaroo_greyhound.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/cfikid311/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 11:19:47 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 11:12:41 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/cfikid311/kangaroo_greyhound.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/cfikid311/)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 22, 2017, 11:56:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 11:19:47 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 11:12:41 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/cfikid311/kangaroo_greyhound.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/cfikid311/)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2017, 04:41:43 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 22, 2017, 10:55:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 22, 2017, 10:17:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 22, 2017, 10:16:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 22, 2017, 10:15:36 PM

(https://s2.postimg.org/7bmpgds8l/dwarf_bath.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/7bmpgds8l/)

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 23, 2017, 09:40:19 AM: (https://s7.postimg.org/8p1blsufr/cocky.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8p1blsufr/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2017, 09:55:59 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2017, 09:40:19 AM

(https://s7.postimg.org/8p1blsufr/cocky.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8p1blsufr/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 23, 2017, 11:34:59 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2017, 09:40:19 AM

(https://s7.postimg.org/8p1blsufr/cocky.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8p1blsufr/)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2017, 11:42:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 23, 2017, 09:55:59 AM
Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2017, 09:40:19 AM

(https://s7.postimg.org/8p1blsufr/cocky.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/8p1blsufr/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2017, 03:33:21 PM: Did you know that having sex when drunk is banned in Iceland.

Not sure about Asda, you will have to check their rules.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2017, 03:34:03 PM: A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last-minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre, the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned and then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion and she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
.
.
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door to it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 24, 2017, 01:37:45 PM: Tired of boiling kettles? Boil loads of water at the start of each week and then freeze it for later :thumbsup:

(https://s7.postimg.org/l817nng4n/shitty-life-hacks-53-5a1290f940d17_605.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/l817nng4n/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 24, 2017, 01:56:41 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2017, 01:37:45 PM

Tired of boiling kettles? Boil loads of water at the start of each week and then freeze it for later :thumbsup:

(https://s7.postimg.org/l817nng4n/shitty-life-hacks-53-5a1290f940d17_605.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/l817nng4n/)

;D ;D rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2017, 02:47:15 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2017, 01:37:45 PM

Tired of boiling kettles? Boil loads of water at the start of each week and then freeze it for later :thumbsup:

(https://s7.postimg.org/l817nng4n/shitty-life-hacks-53-5a1290f940d17_605.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/l817nng4n/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 24, 2017, 04:29:11 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 24, 2017, 02:47:15 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2017, 01:37:45 PM

Tired of boiling kettles? Boil loads of water at the start of each week and then freeze it for later :thumbsup:

(https://s7.postimg.org/l817nng4n/shitty-life-hacks-53-5a1290f940d17_605.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/l817nng4n/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 28, 2017, 07:52:32 PM: I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me, he asked "your money or your life".
I told him I was married, so I have no money or a life.
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment...

I asked the Wife if there was something Special she wanted for Christmas..???
She replied "No Darling, just get me something from the 'Body Shop".
I got her the Front Offside Wing for her Ford Focus - no doubt, knowing my luck, it will be the wrong f*cking Colour..?

When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my Sister's old clothes to School.
Could you believe it.
One day I turned up, wearing the same Dress as my Teacher.
Don't know who was more embarrassed, Him or Me..??
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2017, 10:43:05 AM: I have a friend who revels in his pedantry. He just sent me this:

Ms A Blundell
Sales Director
Leading Labels Limited
Unit 2 Millfield Lane Trading Estate
Nether Poppleton
North Yorkshire
YO26 6PB

Dear Ms Blundell

Please take care of Rufus

On Friday I visited your store at Evesham Country Park. It has been such a pleasure to go shopping with Rufus, my large Alsatian, especially when shops don’t mind me bringing him in. You have no notices on the OUTSIDE of your doors banning dogs, so in we went.

I am sorry to say we didn’t make any purchases, but there a problem when we came to leave.

On the INSIDE of your doors are three prominent notices with the familiar No Dogs Allowed symbol (except guide dogs). Rufus is a pet, not a guide dog and I am keen to comply with signs and notices in retail areas. I totally respect your wishes for me not to take Rufus out of your shop and into the main shopping concourse.

Rufus and I have not been getting on so well recently; he has developed a rather nasty habit of chewing clothing. So it was with not too much sadness that I left him behind and went off shopping on my own.

Christmas is coming, so please look after him. I am sure he will be happy playing with the all other dogs people have had to leave behind.

Yours sincerely

David Smallwood
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2017, 11:37:32 AM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 04, 2017, 11:54:23 AM: happy001 happy001
worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 04, 2017, 12:53:29 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 04, 2017, 11:54:23 AM
happy001 happy001
worthy:
happy001 happy001 happy001
worthy: worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 06, 2017, 03:29:59 PM: https://www.facebook.com/1915425988484782/videos/1987144257979621/ (https://www.facebook.com/1915425988484782/videos/1987144257979621/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2017, 04:14:45 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 06, 2017, 03:29:59 PM
https://www.facebook.com/1915425988484782/videos/1987144257979621/ (https://www.facebook.com/1915425988484782/videos/1987144257979621/)

lol: lol: lol:

They spelt skellington incorrectly... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 06, 2017, 04:15:21 PM: They need to bone up on that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2017, 04:16:23 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 06, 2017, 04:15:21 PM
They need to bone up on that.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 06, 2017, 04:21:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2017, 04:16:23 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 06, 2017, 04:15:21 PM
They need to bone up on that.

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Outstanding
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 06, 2017, 09:40:57 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 06, 2017, 04:21:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2017, 04:16:23 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 06, 2017, 04:15:21 PM
They need to bone up on that.

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Outstanding
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 08, 2017, 05:42:58 PM: I've just come out of my local Chip Shop.

With a Meat and Potato Pie, Battered Rissole, Large Cod an Chips, Mushy Peas and a Jumbo Sausage.

This poor Homeless man was sat outside, and he said, "Hey mister. I've Not Eaten for Two Days".

"F*ck Me", I replied.
I wish I had your Will Power".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2017, 06:02:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 08, 2017, 05:42:58 PM
I've just come out of my local Chip Shop.

With a Meat and Potato Pie, Battered Rissole, Large Cod an Chips, Mushy Peas and a Jumbo Sausage.

This poor Homeless man was sat outside, and he said, "Hey mister. I've Not Eaten for Two Days".

"F*ck Me", I replied.
I wish I had your Will Power".

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 08, 2017, 06:09:51 PM: Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10.I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 08, 2017, 07:46:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 08, 2017, 06:09:51 PM
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10.I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on December 09, 2017, 09:48:48 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 08, 2017, 07:46:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 08, 2017, 06:09:51 PM
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10.I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

;D ;D

Ho, Ho, Ho
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 15, 2017, 08:55:22 AM: A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" She asked.
"No, kneasles.” It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess... small cocks
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2017, 08:56:15 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 15, 2017, 08:55:22 AM
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" She asked.
"No, kneasles.” It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess... small cocks

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 15, 2017, 09:42:27 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 15, 2017, 08:56:15 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 15, 2017, 08:55:22 AM
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" She asked.
"No, kneasles.” It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess... small cocks

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2017, 04:39:54 PM: Kim Jong-Un announced at a News Conference that North Korea would be sending a Man to the Sun within Ten Years...!

A BBC Reporter said - "But Mr. Kim the Sun is too hot. How can your Man land on the Sun”..???

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will Land at Night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on their Televisions broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, The Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference when The Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What a f*cking idiot. Everybody knows there’s NO Sun at night.”

His office and everyone working in the vicinity broke into thunderous applause.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2017, 04:41:10 PM: and . . . . .

During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a lovely Parrot for his Birthday. That Bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words"...

“Very Impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words". He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I Know That", replied Melania,

“But neither does the Parrot".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2017, 06:40:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 16, 2017, 04:41:10 PM
and . . . . .

During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a lovely Parrot for his Birthday. That Bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words"...

“Very Impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words". He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I Know That", replied Melania,

“But neither does the Parrot".

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 18, 2017, 07:16:04 PM: POLITE NOTICE - PLEASE READ
- A warning to all
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many voddies and then went on to tequila.
Not a good idea!
Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car in town at NCP and took a bus home. I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved me past.
I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2017, 09:19:07 AM: An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2017, 11:01:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2017, 09:19:07 AM
An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2017, 02:44:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2017, 09:19:07 AM
An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 21, 2017, 10:18:45 AM: Muslim lady on radio phone in about sex education of children by parents.

Interviewer "do you find it difficult to answer your daughter's questions about sex".

Lady "not at all, she can ask me anything and I will give her an answer. I don' hide behind the bush"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2017, 10:34:58 AM: Quote from: Nick on December 21, 2017, 10:18:45 AM
Muslim lady on radio phone in about sex education of children by parents.

Interviewer "do you find it difficult to answer your daughter's questions about sex".

Lady "not at all, she can ask me anything and I will give her an answer. I don' hide behind the bush"

;D noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2017, 11:40:55 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2017, 10:34:58 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 21, 2017, 10:18:45 AM
Muslim lady on radio phone in about sex education of children by parents.

Interviewer "do you find it difficult to answer your daughter's questions about sex".

Lady "not at all, she can ask me anything and I will give her an answer. I don' hide behind the bush"

;D noooo:
;D ;D noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2017, 12:02:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2017, 11:40:55 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2017, 10:34:58 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 21, 2017, 10:18:45 AM
Muslim lady on radio phone in about sex education of children by parents.

Interviewer "do you find it difficult to answer your daughter's questions about sex".

Lady "not at all, she can ask me anything and I will give her an answer. I don' hide behind the bush"

;D noooo:
;D ;D noooo: noooo:
;D ;D ;D noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 21, 2017, 05:27:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2017, 12:02:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2017, 11:40:55 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2017, 10:34:58 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 21, 2017, 10:18:45 AM
Muslim lady on radio phone in about sex education of children by parents.

Interviewer "do you find it difficult to answer your daughter's questions about sex".

Lady "not at all, she can ask me anything and I will give her an answer. I don' hide behind the bush"

;D noooo:
;D ;D noooo: noooo:
;D ;D ;D noooo: noooo: noooo:
;D ;D ;D ;D noooo: noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2017, 11:25:16 PM: Thanks to Pete from Southampton for this lovely picture of his wife Debbie, but the competition was called ‘Christmas fact hunt’ Pete.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2017, 06:33:39 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2017, 11:25:16 PM
Thanks to Pete from Southampton for this lovely picture of his wife Debbie, but the competition was called ‘Christmas fact hunt’ Pete.

happy002

Comedy Gold Mr. JOM Sir! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 22, 2017, 08:35:44 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 22, 2017, 11:44:15 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2017, 11:25:16 PM
Thanks to Pete from Southampton for this lovely picture of his wife Debbie, but the competition was called ‘Christmas fact hunt’ Pete.
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 25, 2017, 11:17:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2017, 11:25:16 PM
Thanks to Pete from Southampton for this lovely picture of his wife Debbie, but the competition was called ‘Christmas fact hunt’ Pete.

Stealing that .... redface:

Thumbs:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 01, 2018, 06:34:42 PM: "Any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two"
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any"
"Any what"
"Yes please"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 01, 2018, 06:37:45 PM: angry041:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 01, 2018, 06:51:37 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2018, 06:34:42 PM
"Any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two"
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any"
"Any what"
"Yes please"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 01, 2018, 07:57:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 01, 2018, 06:51:37 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2018, 06:34:42 PM
"Any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two"
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any"
"Any what"
"Yes please"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 01, 2018, 10:27:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 01, 2018, 07:57:59 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 01, 2018, 06:51:37 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2018, 06:34:42 PM
"Any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two"
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any"
"Any what"
"Yes please"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 02, 2018, 06:56:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 01, 2018, 06:34:42 PM
"Any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two"
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any"
"Any what"
"Yes please"

Thumbs: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 02, 2018, 11:37:42 PM: I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for Christmas, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 03, 2018, 06:27:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 02, 2018, 11:37:42 PM
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for Christmas, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 03, 2018, 08:50:22 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 02, 2018, 11:37:42 PM
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for Christmas, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 03, 2018, 10:05:38 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 03, 2018, 08:50:22 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 02, 2018, 11:37:42 PM
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for Christmas, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 04, 2018, 11:38:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 03, 2018, 10:05:38 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 03, 2018, 08:50:22 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 02, 2018, 11:37:42 PM
I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for Christmas, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse

;D ;D ;D

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 09, 2018, 02:17:45 PM: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-norfolk-42610996/banham-zoo-lemurs-mob-bbc-news-reporter (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-norfolk-42610996/banham-zoo-lemurs-mob-bbc-news-reporter)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM: Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2018, 08:21:50 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on January 16, 2018, 08:38:22 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2018, 08:21:50 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2018, 10:56:02 PM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 16, 2018, 08:38:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2018, 08:21:50 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.

happy001

happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 17, 2018, 10:03:49 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2018, 10:56:02 PM
Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on January 16, 2018, 08:38:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2018, 08:21:50 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.
happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 17, 2018, 11:44:17 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on January 16, 2018, 08:14:17 PM
Not surprised Carillion has gone bust. Their last hit was Kayleigh in 1985.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 21, 2018, 07:46:47 AM: http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/ (http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/) redface: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2018, 09:02:44 AM: Quote from: Nick on January 21, 2018, 07:46:47 AM
http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/ (http://www.facebook.com/thedailymash/videos/1430191603756670/) redface: razz:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 23, 2018, 09:52:53 PM: (https://s9.postimg.org/ecio63tsr/paul_gascoigne.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/ecio63tsr/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2018, 09:55:42 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 23, 2018, 09:52:53 PM

(https://s9.postimg.org/ecio63tsr/paul_gascoigne.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/ecio63tsr/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2018, 09:53:42 AM: A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 26, 2018, 05:33:01 PM: http://www.facebook.com/seen.everything/videos/1507083336062865/ (http://www.facebook.com/seen.everything/videos/1507083336062865/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 28, 2018, 07:23:04 AM: Just want to celebrate my nephew’s luck in keeping his apprenticeship as a roofer. Fourth day in, he was on a roof overlooking some apartments, he only spots a gorgeous attractive woman walking around her apartment naked; with him being young, the emotions took over, he only starts wanking on the roof and got caught

Anyway the boss rang him this morning, he’s told him he can start back on Monday, as longs has he’s prepared to wipe the slate clean
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 28, 2018, 07:35:59 AM: In hope of reuniting a woman ‘who hasn’t got much money’ with her belongings

This happened yesterday in Highbury. The woman has been saving for over a year to get all her eleven kids an Arsenal top each; she’s been saving for over a year to do this, she’s done boot sales etc. just to get the money together. Anyway yesterday, it was quite mild, she washed all the tops and hung them out to blow dry. She only popped to the shop for five minutes and some dirty lowlife scum climbed over the fence and robbed all her pegs

Please keep your eye out, if you hear anything, please inbox me

(Substitute with team of your choice) ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 28, 2018, 09:37:24 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 28, 2018, 07:35:59 AM
In hope of reuniting a woman ‘who hasn’t got much money’ with her belongings

This happened yesterday in Highbury. The woman has been saving for over a year to get all her eleven kids an Arsenal top each; she’s been saving for over a year to do this, she’s done boot sales etc. just to get the money together. Anyway yesterday, it was quite mild, she washed all the tops and hung them out to blow dry. She only popped to the shop for five minutes and some dirty lowlife scum climbed over the fence and robbed all her pegs

Please keep your eye out, if you hear anything, please inbox me

(Substitute with team of your choice) ;)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 28, 2018, 01:43:21 PM: For decades, two heroic Statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an Angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary Statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a Special Gift...
"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the Angel brought the two Statues to Life.

The two handsome figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches...
Fifteen miutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the Angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"F*cking Great..! Only this time you hold the Pigeon down and I'll Shit on it's Head.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 29, 2018, 01:07:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 28, 2018, 09:37:24 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 28, 2018, 07:35:59 AM
In hope of reuniting a woman ‘who hasn’t got much money’ with her belongings

This happened yesterday in Highbury. The woman has been saving for over a year to get all her eleven kids an Arsenal top each; she’s been saving for over a year to do this, she’s done boot sales etc. just to get the money together. Anyway yesterday, it was quite mild, she washed all the tops and hung them out to blow dry. She only popped to the shop for five minutes and some dirty lowlife scum climbed over the fence and robbed all her pegs

Please keep your eye out, if you hear anything, please inbox me

(Substitute with team of your choice) ;)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 29, 2018, 01:08:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 28, 2018, 01:43:21 PM
For decades, two heroic Statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an Angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary Statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a Special Gift...
"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the Angel brought the two Statues to Life.

The two handsome figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches...
Fifteen miutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the Angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"F*cking Great..! Only this time you hold the Pigeon down and I'll Shit on it's Head.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM: A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 07, 2018, 10:20:03 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM
A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 07, 2018, 11:30:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2018, 10:20:03 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM
A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2018, 06:13:22 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 07, 2018, 11:30:24 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2018, 10:20:03 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM
A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 08, 2018, 08:00:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 08, 2018, 06:13:22 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 07, 2018, 11:30:24 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2018, 10:20:03 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM
A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 08, 2018, 09:54:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2018, 09:45:53 PM
A bloke in front of me in the shop asked the assistant if he could swop a get well card for a bereavement card.

(I really must try this) lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2018, 05:43:46 PM: https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/ (https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2018, 06:23:13 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2018, 05:43:46 PM
https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/ (https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 12, 2018, 06:35:24 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2018, 05:43:46 PM
https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/ (https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/)

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 13, 2018, 07:53:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 12, 2018, 06:35:24 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2018, 05:43:46 PM
https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/ (https://www.facebook.com/helen.mcgoldrick.96/videos/1549820488405275/)
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2018, 10:03:47 AM: Just come out of the bathroom and said to the wife..... " I wouldn't go in there for the next 10 mins "

She said.... " Oh have you left stinkies in there? "

I said, " Nah, your sister's still getting dressed..... ! "
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2018, 10:30:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2018, 10:03:47 AM
Just come out of the bathroom and said to the wife..... " I wouldn't go in there for the next 10 mins "

She said.... " Oh have you left stinkies in there? "

I said, " Nah, your sister's still getting dressed..... ! "

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2018, 11:18:56 PM: (https://s9.postimg.org/sb42ofxwr/paris_madrid.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/sb42ofxwr/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2018, 06:46:05 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 14, 2018, 11:18:56 PM

(https://s9.postimg.org/sb42ofxwr/paris_madrid.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/sb42ofxwr/)

AFFS!

But lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 15, 2018, 08:12:54 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 15, 2018, 06:46:05 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 14, 2018, 11:18:56 PM

(https://s9.postimg.org/sb42ofxwr/paris_madrid.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/sb42ofxwr/)

AFFS!

But lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 17, 2018, 05:16:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2018, 10:03:47 AM
Just come out of the bathroom and said to the wife..... " I wouldn't go in there for the next 10 mins "

She said.... " Oh have you left stinkies in there? "

I said, " Nah, your sister's still getting dressed..... ! "

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 17, 2018, 05:26:57 PM: https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/ (https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 17, 2018, 05:32:19 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 17, 2018, 05:26:57 PM
https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/ (https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/)

lol: lol: lol:

(https://s9.postimg.org/jv7m4o8i3/PBF273-_Quiz_Kid.png) (https://postimg.org/image/jv7m4o8i3/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 17, 2018, 05:45:32 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 17, 2018, 05:32:19 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 17, 2018, 05:26:57 PM
https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/ (https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/)

lol: lol: lol:

(https://s9.postimg.org/jv7m4o8i3/PBF273-_Quiz_Kid.png) (https://postimg.org/image/jv7m4o8i3/)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2018, 10:58:56 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 17, 2018, 05:26:57 PM
https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/ (https://www.facebook.com/mauricio.almendras/videos/10156275561543912/)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 18, 2018, 11:35:24 AM: With a very seductive voice, LL asked, “Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?”
“No” Barman said
LL gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

LL then asked “Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?”
“No, I haven’t” Barman said with an anxious tone in his voice.
LL seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.

“Now” LL said. “Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?”
“No way!” Barman panted, becoming even more excited

LL said “Go look in the garage.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 18, 2018, 11:37:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 18, 2018, 11:35:24 AM
With a very seductive voice, LL asked, “Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?”
“No” Barman said
LL gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

LL then asked “Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?”
“No, I haven’t” Barman said with an anxious tone in his voice.
LL seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.

“Now” LL said. “Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?”
“No way!” Barman panted, becoming even more excited

LL said “Go look in the garage.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 18, 2018, 01:18:46 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 18, 2018, 11:35:24 AM
With a very seductive voice, LL asked, “Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?”
“No” Barman said
LL gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

LL then asked “Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?”
“No, I haven’t” Barman said with an anxious tone in his voice.
LL seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.

“Now” LL said. “Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?”
“No way!” Barman panted, becoming even more excited

LL said “Go look in the garage.”

happy001

sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 18, 2018, 03:39:50 PM: happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 19, 2018, 09:56:03 AM: I see hey are going to stop audiences from doing the 'Mexican Wave' because of Health & Safety issues... ::)

...I'm up in arms over it!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 19, 2018, 11:10:14 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 18, 2018, 03:39:50 PM
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 19, 2018, 11:50:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 19, 2018, 09:56:03 AM
I see hey are going to stop audiences from doing the 'Mexican Wave' because of Health & Safety issues... ::)

...I'm up in arms over it!
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 21, 2018, 09:19:14 PM: Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2018, 06:35:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 21, 2018, 09:19:14 PM
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 22, 2018, 06:28:31 PM: My driving instructor told me to pull over when it's safe.

Two minutes later he said "why havent you pulled over".

I said "we're still in Liverpool".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 22, 2018, 07:13:46 PM: :thumbsup: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2018, 07:30:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2018, 06:28:31 PM
My driving instructor told me to pull over when it's safe.

Two minutes later he said "why havent you pulled over".

I said "we're still in Liverpool".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM: Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 23, 2018, 12:01:02 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 23, 2018, 12:05:59 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 23, 2018, 12:01:02 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2018, 01:06:16 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 23, 2018, 12:05:59 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 23, 2018, 12:01:02 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 23, 2018, 01:21:17 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 23, 2018, 01:52:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 23, 2018, 01:06:16 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 23, 2018, 12:05:59 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 23, 2018, 12:01:02 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 23, 2018, 05:28:39 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 23, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life.

Her new album 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out soon.

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 24, 2018, 08:55:59 PM: Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Arsenal fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" . "Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Spurs fan?"
"Because my mum is a Spurs fan, and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a disease riddled prostitute and your dad was an inbred drug addict, what would you be then?"
'Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2018, 05:45:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2018, 08:55:59 PM
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Arsenal fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" . "Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Spurs fan?"
"Because my mum is a Spurs fan, and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a disease riddled prostitute and your dad was an inbred drug addict, what would you be then?"
'Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan".

lol: lol: lol:

To pass on to Miss A or not...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2018, 09:38:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2018, 05:45:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2018, 08:55:59 PM
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Arsenal fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" . "Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Spurs fan?"
"Because my mum is a Spurs fan, and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a disease riddled prostitute and your dad was an inbred drug addict, what would you be then?"
'Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan".

lol: lol: lol:

To pass on to Miss A or not...? rubschin:

Of course

A confession though, as original seen it was a Wolves and Baggies joke so I edited it somewhat angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 26, 2018, 04:15:40 PM: Sometimes it really pays to think logically....here’s a good example.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2018, 05:10:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 26, 2018, 04:15:40 PM
Sometimes it really pays to think logically....here’s a good example.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 27, 2018, 03:43:43 PM: "Father, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?”

Pastor replied,

“No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.

The man answered”

“Father, but do you think they will accept a donation of £50,000 in return for the burial service?”

Pastor exclaimed,

“Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me that dog was a Catholic.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on February 28, 2018, 07:54:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 25, 2018, 09:38:24 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2018, 05:45:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2018, 08:55:59 PM
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Arsenal fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" . "Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Spurs fan?"
"Because my mum is a Spurs fan, and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a disease riddled prostitute and your dad was an inbred drug addict, what would you be then?"
'Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan".

lol: lol: lol:

To pass on to Miss A or not...? rubschin:

Of course

A confession though, as original seen it was a Wolves and Baggies joke so I edited it somewhat angel1

Ah, now it makes sense. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 04, 2018, 12:10:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 27, 2018, 03:43:43 PM
"Father, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?”

Pastor replied,

“No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.

The man answered”

“Father, but do you think they will accept a donation of £50,000 in return for the burial service?”

Pastor exclaimed,

“Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me that dog was a Catholic.”

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2018, 07:39:09 PM: Q): What's the difference between a bit of Snow and a Llama..???

*

*

A): The British Press and Media, don't know how to Milk a Llama.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2018, 06:33:52 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 05, 2018, 07:39:09 PM
Q): What's the difference between a bit of Snow and a Llama..???

*

*

A): The British Press and Media, don't know how to Milk a Llama.

drumroll: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 06, 2018, 09:05:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2018, 06:33:52 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 05, 2018, 07:39:09 PM
Q): What's the difference between a bit of Snow and a Llama..???

*

*

A): The British Press and Media, don't know how to Milk a Llama.

drumroll: razz:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM: Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2018, 01:45:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001
lol: lol: lol:

I'm sure they'd love to see SmugLand

via Instagram
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 12, 2018, 04:27:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2018, 04:32:51 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 12, 2018, 04:27:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001

Shrugs:

Paris Uncle, Lady Di... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2018, 04:36:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 04:32:51 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 12, 2018, 04:27:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001

Shrugs:

Paris Uncle, Lady Di... ;)
Sounds like a Cluedo accusation

I'm sure Uncle has an alibi for the day in question
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 12, 2018, 04:46:38 PM: I was baffled too redface:

Brain not werking proper, like noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2018, 04:52:07 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 12, 2018, 04:46:38 PM
I was baffled too redface:

Brain not werking proper, like noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

happy100
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 12, 2018, 05:59:39 PM: Skype from Miss I in a few mins so I am all upright and perky, like

Briefly noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 12, 2018, 06:49:00 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 04:32:51 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 12, 2018, 04:27:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2018, 12:56:28 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 12, 2018, 12:55:12 PM
Bookmakers are already taking bets on the possible location of Harry and Meghan's honeymoon.
So far we have..

Barbados 10/1
Venice 15/1
Seychelles 20/1
New York 25/1
Paris 1,000,000/1
Balmoral 50/1
Rome 100/1

H/T Caustic Bob

happy001

Shrugs:

Paris Uncle, Lady Di... ;)

Sorry, didn't realize Di was on her honeymoon when she died.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2018, 06:54:26 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2018, 07:28:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2018, 06:54:26 PM
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 14, 2018, 12:56:26 PM: What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2018, 01:17:07 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 14, 2018, 12:56:26 PM
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 15, 2018, 06:38:01 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 14, 2018, 12:56:26 PM
What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 18, 2018, 07:22:08 PM: Won't appeal to everyone but...

http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs (http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2018, 07:59:44 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on March 18, 2018, 07:22:08 PM
Won't appeal to everyone but...

http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs (http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 18, 2018, 09:15:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 18, 2018, 07:59:44 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on March 18, 2018, 07:22:08 PM
Won't appeal to everyone but...

http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs (http://youtu.be/nUhr0ZV5oYs)

lol:

lol: lol: lol:

Out of curiosity I had a look and there is more of it lol:

Part 2: At the bar
http://youtu.be/A0F4RCeHOlk (http://youtu.be/A0F4RCeHOlk)

Part 3: Building Trump's Wall
http://youtu.be/5eGlwX_29qU (http://youtu.be/5eGlwX_29qU)

Part 4: UC Berkley
http://youtu.be/QNbHsr74EDQ (http://youtu.be/QNbHsr74EDQ)

Part 5: Off to Washington
http://youtu.be/aC1QsH0qRnI (http://youtu.be/aC1QsH0qRnI)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 25, 2018, 08:56:08 PM: I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 25, 2018, 09:03:10 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2018, 08:56:08 PM
I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 26, 2018, 06:00:23 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 25, 2018, 09:03:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2018, 08:56:08 PM
I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 26, 2018, 08:08:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 26, 2018, 06:00:23 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 25, 2018, 09:03:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 25, 2018, 08:56:08 PM
I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 26, 2018, 10:26:16 PM: Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”:)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2018, 05:40:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2018, 10:26:16 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”:)

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2018, 07:04:36 PM: A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2018, 12:01:43 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2018, 07:04:36 PM
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 04, 2018, 12:16:44 PM: How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2018, 12:52:34 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 04, 2018, 12:16:44 PM
How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

redface:
redface: redface:

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2018, 09:43:52 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 04, 2018, 12:16:44 PM
How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

redface:

Tsk, tsk, tsk... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2018, 07:17:21 PM: An variation on an old joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2018, 11:00:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2018, 07:17:21 PM
An variation on an old joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 11, 2018, 05:24:58 PM: Likely an Affs but whatever

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM: My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2018, 08:19:37 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2018, 08:25:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2018, 08:19:37 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did

happy002

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 18, 2018, 08:33:02 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2018, 08:25:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2018, 08:19:37 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did

happy002

happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 19, 2018, 10:31:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 18, 2018, 08:33:02 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on April 18, 2018, 08:25:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2018, 08:19:37 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did

happy002

happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 23, 2018, 11:58:16 AM: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p064wmcx (https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p064wmcx) razz: razz: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 23, 2018, 08:29:35 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 23, 2018, 11:58:16 AM
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p064wmcx (https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p064wmcx) razz: razz: razz:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 23, 2018, 08:32:24 PM: Morning ::)

Goodnight
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2018, 01:21:27 PM: "I need some advice.

Should I pack in this flashing, or should I stick it out for another year?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2018, 08:18:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2018, 01:21:27 PM
"I need some advice.

Should I pack in this flashing, or should I stick it out for another year?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 08, 2018, 10:46:34 AM: from same source:

Bloody hell it’s hot !!!!

I’ve just stripped naked and opened all the windows.

The taxi driver doesn’t seem too pleased though.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 08, 2018, 09:32:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 08, 2018, 10:46:34 AM
from same source:

Bloody hell it’s hot !!!!

I’ve just stripped naked and opened all the windows.

The taxi driver doesn’t seem too pleased though.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2018, 07:49:21 AM: Archaeologists have found a new mummy covered in chocolate and nuts in a tomb in Egypt.

They think it's Pharaoh Rocher
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2018, 08:01:46 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 15, 2018, 07:49:21 AM
Archaeologists have found a new mummy covered in chocolate and nuts in a tomb in Egypt.

They think it's Pharaoh Rocher

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 16, 2018, 07:49:45 AM: The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2018, 08:21:59 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 16, 2018, 07:49:45 AM
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 16, 2018, 09:17:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 16, 2018, 08:21:59 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 16, 2018, 07:49:45 AM
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

happy001
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2018, 05:29:03 AM: (https://s7.postimg.cc/rrd4ol9o7/2015_Wease.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/rrd4ol9o7/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2018, 05:32:37 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 17, 2018, 05:29:03 AM

(https://s7.postimg.cc/rrd4ol9o7/2015_Wease.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/rrd4ol9o7/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 17, 2018, 08:08:37 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 17, 2018, 05:32:37 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 17, 2018, 05:29:03 AM

(https://s7.postimg.cc/rrd4ol9o7/2015_Wease.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/rrd4ol9o7/)

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 17, 2018, 09:54:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 17, 2018, 08:08:37 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 17, 2018, 05:32:37 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 17, 2018, 05:29:03 AM

(https://s7.postimg.cc/rrd4ol9o7/2015_Wease.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/rrd4ol9o7/)

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2018, 10:49:45 AM: http://newsthump.com/2018/05/18/charles-to-walk-meghan-down-aisle-as-neither-her-nor-harrys-father-available/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/05/18/charles-to-walk-meghan-down-aisle-as-neither-her-nor-harrys-father-available/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2018, 11:23:07 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 18, 2018, 10:49:45 AM
http://newsthump.com/2018/05/18/charles-to-walk-meghan-down-aisle-as-neither-her-nor-harrys-father-available/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/05/18/charles-to-walk-meghan-down-aisle-as-neither-her-nor-harrys-father-available/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 19, 2018, 08:02:27 PM: 2 dogs in a bar
Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"
Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"
Dog 1: "Knock kno..."
Dog 2: goes fucking mental
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 19, 2018, 09:44:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 19, 2018, 08:02:27 PM
2 dogs in a bar
Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"
Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"
Dog 1: "Knock kno..."
Dog 2: goes fucking mental

happy002

Our do g does that... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 19, 2018, 10:11:44 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 19, 2018, 08:02:27 PM
2 dogs in a bar
Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"
Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"
Dog 1: "Knock kno..."
Dog 2: goes fucking mental
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 23, 2018, 06:23:44 PM: Last night someone just asked me to sing any line from, ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.’

I couldn't if I tried
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 23, 2018, 06:30:04 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 23, 2018, 06:23:44 PM
Last night someone just asked me to sing any line from, ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.’

I couldn't if I tried

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 23, 2018, 10:05:16 PM: I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 24, 2018, 04:27:06 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 23, 2018, 10:05:16 PM
I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 24, 2018, 08:04:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 24, 2018, 04:27:06 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 23, 2018, 10:05:16 PM
I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 24, 2018, 08:44:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2018, 08:04:04 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 24, 2018, 04:27:06 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 23, 2018, 10:05:16 PM
I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 24, 2018, 11:34:45 PM: Four old retired guys are walking down Queens street in Morecambe.......
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 pence." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old
bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Beer
with a whiskey chaser . In no time the bartender
serves up four beers & whiskey chasers - and
says, "That'll be 20 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 20 pence finish their drinks and order another round.
Again, four excellent cool beers 7 chasers are produced, with the bartender again > saying, "That's 20 pence, please." They pay the 20 pence, but their curiosity gets the better of
them. They've each had two beers with chasers and haven't even spent a Quid yet Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve beers with chasers as good as these for a few pence apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Preston ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for £125 million and
decided to come to the seaside & open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence . Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them
sip at their Drinks, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2018, 06:26:08 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2018, 11:34:45 PM
Four old retired guys are walking down Queens street in Morecambe.......
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 pence." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old
bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Beer
with a whiskey chaser . In no time the bartender
serves up four beers & whiskey chasers - and
says, "That'll be 20 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 20 pence finish their drinks and order another round.
Again, four excellent cool beers 7 chasers are produced, with the bartender again > saying, "That's 20 pence, please." They pay the 20 pence, but their curiosity gets the better of
them. They've each had two beers with chasers and haven't even spent a Quid yet Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve beers with chasers as good as these for a few pence apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Preston ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for £125 million and
decided to come to the seaside & open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence . Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them
sip at their Drinks, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

lol: lol: lol:

Yorkshire or it is LL's Sister's partner.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 25, 2018, 04:49:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 25, 2018, 06:26:08 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2018, 11:34:45 PM
Four old retired guys are walking down Queens street in Morecambe.......
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 pence." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old
bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Beer
with a whiskey chaser . In no time the bartender
serves up four beers & whiskey chasers - and
says, "That'll be 20 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 20 pence finish their drinks and order another round.
Again, four excellent cool beers 7 chasers are produced, with the bartender again > saying, "That's 20 pence, please." They pay the 20 pence, but their curiosity gets the better of
them. They've each had two beers with chasers and haven't even spent a Quid yet Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve beers with chasers as good as these for a few pence apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Preston ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for £125 million and
decided to come to the seaside & open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence . Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them
sip at their Drinks, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

lol: lol: lol:

Yorkshire or it is LL's Sister's partner.... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 25, 2018, 04:54:27 PM: I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2018, 05:03:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 25, 2018, 04:54:27 PM
I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 25, 2018, 05:08:05 PM: razz: razz: razz: razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 25, 2018, 08:48:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 25, 2018, 04:49:36 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 25, 2018, 06:26:08 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2018, 11:34:45 PM
Four old retired guys are walking down Queens street in Morecambe.......
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 pence." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old
bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Beer
with a whiskey chaser . In no time the bartender
serves up four beers & whiskey chasers - and
says, "That'll be 20 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 20 pence finish their drinks and order another round.
Again, four excellent cool beers 7 chasers are produced, with the bartender again > saying, "That's 20 pence, please." They pay the 20 pence, but their curiosity gets the better of
them. They've each had two beers with chasers and haven't even spent a Quid yet Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve beers with chasers as good as these for a few pence apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Preston ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for £125 million and
decided to come to the seaside & open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence . Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them
sip at their Drinks, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

lol: lol: lol:

Yorkshire or it is LL's Sister's partner.... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2018, 11:39:32 AM: A man murders his wife and chops the body up and puts the body parts in bin bags. Just then the bin men arrive and start throwing the bin bags into the bin wagon; the bloke shuts the door and thinks to himself '' I've got away with this! ''

Then there's a knock on the door and when the bloke opens it there's a bin man who says; '' have you got a fresh bin bag, the arse has fell out of this one!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2018, 11:43:17 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 27, 2018, 11:39:32 AM
A man murders his wife and chops the body up and puts the body parts in bin bags. Just then the bin men arrive and start throwing the bin bags into the bin wagon; the bloke shuts the door and thinks to himself '' I've got away with this! ''

Then there's a knock on the door and when the bloke opens it there's a bin man who says; '' have you got a fresh bin bag, the arse has fell out of this one!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2018, 01:10:23 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 27, 2018, 11:43:17 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 27, 2018, 11:39:32 AM
A man murders his wife and chops the body up and puts the body parts in bin bags. Just then the bin men arrive and start throwing the bin bags into the bin wagon; the bloke shuts the door and thinks to himself '' I've got away with this! ''

Then there's a knock on the door and when the bloke opens it there's a bin man who says; '' have you got a fresh bin bag, the arse has fell out of this one!"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 30, 2018, 05:38:49 AM: Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there
were lots of different types of money that different people used. And
now there's only one type of money that
the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from
one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "We...ll, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were
many different countries all running their own finances and using
different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of
France, Belgium,Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker
nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together
and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all
use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club
where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a
situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars
and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 08, 2018, 09:14:09 PM: I picked up a hitchiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger late at night and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up?
How do you know I am not a serial killer?
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2018, 03:50:00 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 08, 2018, 09:14:09 PM
I picked up a hitchiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger late at night and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up?
How do you know I am not a serial killer?
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 09, 2018, 11:54:58 AM: A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2018, 12:07:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 09, 2018, 11:54:58 AM
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 09, 2018, 07:22:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 08, 2018, 09:14:09 PM
I picked up a hitchiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger late at night and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up?
How do you know I am not a serial killer?
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 12, 2018, 12:38:08 PM: One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh no please no, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 13, 2018, 10:33:47 AM: http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2018, 10:39:23 AM: Quote from: Nick on June 13, 2018, 10:33:47 AM
http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/06/13/french-champagne-producers-announce-thousands-of-job-losses-in-wake-of-wetherspoons-plan-to-buy-british/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 15, 2018, 11:15:57 AM: For 2 years a very wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 16, 2018, 10:08:30 AM: Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2018, 10:20:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 16, 2018, 10:08:30 AM
Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2018, 03:42:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2018, 10:20:24 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 16, 2018, 10:08:30 AM
Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 16, 2018, 05:34:09 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 16, 2018, 03:42:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 16, 2018, 10:20:24 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 16, 2018, 10:08:30 AM
Breaking News:
It seems the ISIS suicide bomber in Syria who blew himself up in training had dandruff, they found his Head and Shoulders 200 metres away

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2018, 12:57:59 PM: maybe an Affs

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 18, 2018, 01:31:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2018, 12:57:59 PM
maybe an Affs

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 18, 2018, 02:11:43 PM: Bet Harry and Meghan's first daughter isn't called Mercedes.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 21, 2018, 12:42:50 PM: Dolphins are the only creatures that, apart from humans, enjoy having sex.

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2018, 02:04:47 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 21, 2018, 12:42:50 PM
Dolphins are the only creatures that, apart from humans, enjoy having sex.

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 27, 2018, 06:08:24 PM: At the regular Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*ck him"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 29, 2018, 11:46:40 AM: A man attending a funeral, asked the widow if he could say a word.

She said "yes".

He stood up and said "Plethora".

She said, "Thank you, that means a lot".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 29, 2018, 11:49:25 AM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2018, 06:17:22 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 29, 2018, 11:46:40 AM
A man attending a funeral, asked the widow if he could say a word.

She said "yes".

He stood up and said "Plethora".

She said, "Thank you, that means a lot".
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2018, 07:01:51 PM: During work, Kevin and James were chatting:

Kevin: James, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

James: oh!

Kevin: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

James: No

Kevin: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Kevin: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

James: No

Kevin: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Kevin: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

James: No

Kevin: He's the author of "Confessions" , if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, James got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Yevgeney Kafelinkov?

Kevin: No

James: He's the guy who's having sex with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2018, 03:38:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2018, 07:01:51 PM
During work, Kevin and James were chatting:

Kevin: James, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

James: oh!

Kevin: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

James: No

Kevin: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Kevin: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

James: No

Kevin: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Kevin: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

James: No

Kevin: He's the author of "Confessions" , if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, James got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Yevgeney Kafelinkov?

Kevin: No

James: He's the guy who's having sex with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on June 30, 2018, 08:39:43 PM: This joke about sublety is very old. But it was new once.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 30, 2018, 09:28:23 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 30, 2018, 08:39:43 PM
This joke about sublety is very old. But it was new once.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2018, 03:11:59 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 30, 2018, 09:28:23 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on June 30, 2018, 08:39:43 PM
This joke about sublety is very old. But it was new once.
lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 01, 2018, 06:47:02 AM: (https://s15.postimg.cc/m2wq3d5kn/pdfconvert.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/m2wq3d5kn/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 01, 2018, 06:56:16 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 01, 2018, 06:47:02 AM

(https://s15.postimg.cc/m2wq3d5kn/pdfconvert.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/m2wq3d5kn/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 01, 2018, 07:54:13 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 01, 2018, 06:56:16 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 01, 2018, 06:47:02 AM

(https://s15.postimg.cc/m2wq3d5kn/pdfconvert.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/m2wq3d5kn/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 01, 2018, 10:09:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 01, 2018, 07:54:13 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 01, 2018, 06:56:16 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 01, 2018, 06:47:02 AM

(https://s15.postimg.cc/m2wq3d5kn/pdfconvert.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/m2wq3d5kn/)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2018, 11:52:23 AM: My mate got a job at his local council, they ask if he was allergic to any thing, he said coffee, they then asked if he had any disability, he told them he lost his testicles in Afghanistan when he was in the army. They told him he had the job start Monday at 10am, he ask why 10 and not 9am, they said they stand around drinking coffee and scratching their nuts for an hour and you don’t qualify.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 08, 2018, 06:29:56 PM: scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 10, 2018, 06:39:17 AM: (https://s22.postimg.cc/jn4z8w6vx/twathare.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/jn4z8w6vx/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 10, 2018, 06:50:15 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 10, 2018, 06:39:17 AM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/jn4z8w6vx/twathare.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/jn4z8w6vx/)

lol: lol: lol:

Also, AFFS ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 10, 2018, 06:53:40 AM: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 10, 2018, 09:30:03 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 10, 2018, 06:50:15 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 10, 2018, 06:39:17 AM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/jn4z8w6vx/twathare.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/jn4z8w6vx/)

lol: lol: lol:

Also, AFFS ::)
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 10, 2018, 06:48:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 10, 2018, 09:30:03 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 10, 2018, 06:50:15 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 10, 2018, 06:39:17 AM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/jn4z8w6vx/twathare.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/jn4z8w6vx/)

lol: lol: lol:

Also, AFFS ::)
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 17, 2018, 09:35:58 PM: lol:

! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYqWvzBYEQQ#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 17, 2018, 10:06:14 PM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 17, 2018, 10:06:38 PM: Out walking with the wife when She stopped and removed her shoe moaning about a stone in it.

I said 'there's 20 stone in the other so keep walking.

That's when the fight started.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 18, 2018, 04:27:36 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 17, 2018, 09:35:58 PM
lol:

! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYqWvzBYEQQ#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 18, 2018, 04:28:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 17, 2018, 10:06:38 PM
Out walking with the wife when She stopped and removed her shoe moaning about a stone in it.

I said 'there's 20 stone in the other so keep walking.

That's when the fight started.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 19, 2018, 11:54:01 AM: My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.
"I find them very interesting," I said.
"Well, who gives a flying f*ck?" She said angrily.
"Dragonflies," I replied.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 19, 2018, 12:38:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 19, 2018, 11:54:01 AM
My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.
"I find them very interesting," I said.
"Well, who gives a flying f*ck?" She said angrily.
"Dragonflies," I replied.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 19, 2018, 01:35:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 19, 2018, 12:38:11 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 19, 2018, 11:54:01 AM
My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.
"I find them very interesting," I said.
"Well, who gives a flying f*ck?" She said angrily.
"Dragonflies," I replied.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 27, 2018, 09:29:02 AM: http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/ (http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 27, 2018, 09:38:31 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 27, 2018, 09:29:02 AM
http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/ (http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 27, 2018, 09:39:37 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 27, 2018, 09:38:31 AM
Quote from: Nick on July 27, 2018, 09:29:02 AM
http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/ (http://southendnewsnetwork.net/news/government-issues-warning-about-doggers-dying-in-hot-cars2/)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 31, 2018, 08:05:16 PM: In Dublin this morning at a busy city centre bus stop, a lovely young woman, wearing a very tight mini skirt, joined the queue waiting for a bus.. When a bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she found that her new skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of that first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed & with a quick rather self-conscious smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg and then once again, she tried to mount the bus step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, now a little more embarrassed, she very quickly once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a bit more, & for a second time attempted to get up onto the bus. BUT found, yet again, much to her dismay, she couldn't raise her leg high enough. Flashing a little smile to the driver, she quickly reached behind for a third time to unzip it even more but unfortunately she still was unable to make the step..
BUT this time, a big burly Kerry man who was standing behind, grabbed her round the waist, picked her up easily & swung her gently up onto the bus.
Ohh . . but she went ballistic. Immediately she turned on the “would-be Samaritan” yelling, "How dare you grab hold o’ me, like that! I don't even know who you are!"
The Kerry man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda thought we were friends!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2018, 05:06:20 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 31, 2018, 08:05:16 PM
In Dublin this morning at a busy city centre bus stop, a lovely young woman, wearing a very tight mini skirt, joined the queue waiting for a bus.. When a bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she found that her new skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of that first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed & with a quick rather self-conscious smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg and then once again, she tried to mount the bus step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, now a little more embarrassed, she very quickly once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a bit more, & for a second time attempted to get up onto the bus. BUT found, yet again, much to her dismay, she couldn't raise her leg high enough. Flashing a little smile to the driver, she quickly reached behind for a third time to unzip it even more but unfortunately she still was unable to make the step..
BUT this time, a big burly Kerry man who was standing behind, grabbed her round the waist, picked her up easily & swung her gently up onto the bus.
Ohh . . but she went ballistic. Immediately she turned on the “would-be Samaritan” yelling, "How dare you grab hold o’ me, like that! I don't even know who you are!"
The Kerry man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda thought we were friends!"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 01, 2018, 12:02:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 01, 2018, 05:06:20 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 31, 2018, 08:05:16 PM
In Dublin this morning at a busy city centre bus stop, a lovely young woman, wearing a very tight mini skirt, joined the queue waiting for a bus.. When a bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she found that her new skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of that first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed & with a quick rather self-conscious smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg and then once again, she tried to mount the bus step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, now a little more embarrassed, she very quickly once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a bit more, & for a second time attempted to get up onto the bus. BUT found, yet again, much to her dismay, she couldn't raise her leg high enough. Flashing a little smile to the driver, she quickly reached behind for a third time to unzip it even more but unfortunately she still was unable to make the step..
BUT this time, a big burly Kerry man who was standing behind, grabbed her round the waist, picked her up easily & swung her gently up onto the bus.
Ohh . . but she went ballistic. Immediately she turned on the “would-be Samaritan” yelling, "How dare you grab hold o’ me, like that! I don't even know who you are!"
The Kerry man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda thought we were friends!"

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 01, 2018, 04:16:05 PM: (https://s22.postimg.cc/ofcq4x2el/poohn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/ofcq4x2el/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2018, 04:44:20 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 01, 2018, 04:16:05 PM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/ofcq4x2el/poohn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/ofcq4x2el/)

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2018, 09:05:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 01, 2018, 04:44:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on August 01, 2018, 04:16:05 PM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/ofcq4x2el/poohn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/ofcq4x2el/)

lol: lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 01, 2018, 10:50:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 01, 2018, 09:05:55 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 01, 2018, 04:44:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on August 01, 2018, 04:16:05 PM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/ofcq4x2el/poohn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/ofcq4x2el/)

lol: lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 02, 2018, 09:45:06 AM: On my first day at a new school I followed my Dad's advice, walked up to the biggest kid there and just lamped him one! My teaching career went downhill a bit after that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 07, 2018, 06:44:33 PM: A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.)

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove.
His mother stomped it .

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her Dad, or should I?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 13, 2018, 04:34:41 PM: Handing over my ID at the post office the clerk says “you’ve aged quite a bit since this picture was taken.”
“Yes” I replied, “I had it taken just before I joined this fuckin queue.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2018, 05:13:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 13, 2018, 04:34:41 PM
Handing over my ID at the post office the clerk says “you’ve aged quite a bit since this picture was taken.”
“Yes” I replied, “I had it taken just before I joined this fuckin queue.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 16, 2018, 04:26:22 PM: https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 16, 2018, 07:11:16 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 16, 2018, 04:26:22 PM
https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9)
:thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 21, 2018, 05:32:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2018, 07:11:16 PM
Quote from: Nick on August 16, 2018, 04:26:22 PM
https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9)
:thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 21, 2018, 02:55:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 21, 2018, 05:32:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2018, 07:11:16 PM
Quote from: Nick on August 16, 2018, 04:26:22 PM
https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/ClassicFM/videos/10156829739224260/?t=9)
:thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on September 04, 2018, 12:26:59 PM: Arf arf arf (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/a80d718205f8f2b3b8e28da509ab24e0.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2018, 12:46:36 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 04, 2018, 12:26:59 PM
Arf arf arf (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/a80d718205f8f2b3b8e28da509ab24e0.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:

(had to think about it though redface: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2018, 01:31:51 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 04, 2018, 12:26:59 PM
Arf arf arf (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/a80d718205f8f2b3b8e28da509ab24e0.jpg)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM: I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:17:08 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM
I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.

My mate Graeme who died a few years back had it really bad... Not sure if he was totally B/W but very close... noooo: There is a bright pink clock in his garage that he thought was silver and would be suitable for the lounge... facepalm:

He was a brilliant car mechanic and serviced the owld Panjero - I never asked him to work on the electrics... lol:

In fact, here he is helping me start-up MeMi the first time...

RIP Graeme...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:27:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:17:08 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM
I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.

My mate Graeme who died a few years back had it really bad... Not sure if he was totally B/W but very close... noooo: There is a bright pink clock in his garage that he thought was silver and would be suitable for the lounge... facepalm:

He was a brilliant car mechanic and serviced the owld Panjero - I never asked him to work on the electrics... lol:

In fact, here he is helping me start-up MeMi the first time...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gdVYnPher8Y" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>

RIP Graeme...
:thumbsup: you're only finally dead when people stop remembering you

Love the H&S mixed messages in the vid
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:35:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:27:36 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:17:08 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM
I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.

My mate Graeme who died a few years back had it really bad... Not sure if he was totally B/W but very close... noooo: There is a bright pink clock in his garage that he thought was silver and would be suitable for the lounge... facepalm:

He was a brilliant car mechanic and serviced the owld Panjero - I never asked him to work on the electrics... lol:

In fact, here he is helping me start-up MeMi the first time...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gdVYnPher8Y" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>

RIP Graeme...
:thumbsup: you're only finally dead when people stop remembering you

Love the H&S mixed messages in the vid

Very profound! :thumbsup:

And yes, H & S clearly wasn't foremost in our minds... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:43:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:35:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:27:36 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:17:08 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM
I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.

My mate Graeme who died a few years back had it really bad... Not sure if he was totally B/W but very close... noooo: There is a bright pink clock in his garage that he thought was silver and would be suitable for the lounge... facepalm:

He was a brilliant car mechanic and serviced the owld Panjero - I never asked him to work on the electrics... lol:

In fact, here he is helping me start-up MeMi the first time...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gdVYnPher8Y" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>

RIP Graeme...
:thumbsup: you're only finally dead when people stop remembering you

Love the H&S mixed messages in the vid

Very profound! :thumbsup:

And yes, H & S clearly wasn't foremost in our minds... lol:
It was the fire extinguisher being there same time as the rotating hubs and then it fell over and rolled away

Sadly we have no video of me, my brother and his late friend Ron starting up his mini engine after we rebuilt it. Twas spectacular in no small part due to application of Redex during the rebuilt. More smoke than Hiroshima

The dead line I heard from of all people a House of Lords politician speaking at a Burns night do and clearly referring to him. It goes long these lines:

Everybody dies three times: once when the body dies, again when you're buried and finally when nobody remembers you. It's always stuck with me since as I thought it profound too.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:50:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:43:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:35:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2018, 03:27:36 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2018, 03:17:08 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 04, 2018, 03:05:15 PM
I saw a programme on telly recently about colour and they had on a woman who has no colour vision at all and only saw things in black and white.
Fortunately it's a rare condition.

My mate Graeme who died a few years back had it really bad... Not sure if he was totally B/W but very close... noooo: There is a bright pink clock in his garage that he thought was silver and would be suitable for the lounge... facepalm:

He was a brilliant car mechanic and serviced the owld Panjero - I never asked him to work on the electrics... lol:

In fact, here he is helping me start-up MeMi the first time...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gdVYnPher8Y" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>

RIP Graeme...
:thumbsup: you're only finally dead when people stop remembering you

Love the H&S mixed messages in the vid

Very profound! :thumbsup:

And yes, H & S clearly wasn't foremost in our minds... lol:
It was the fire extinguisher being there same time as the rotating hubs and then it fell over and rolled away

Sadly we have no video of me, my brother and his late friend Ron starting up his mini engine after we rebuilt it. Twas spectacular in no small part due to application of Redex during the rebuilt. More smoke than Hiroshima

The dead line I heard from of all people a House of Lords politician speaking at a Burns night do and clearly referring to him. It goes long these lines:

Everybody dies three times: once when the body dies, again when you're buried and finally when nobody remembers you. It's always stuck with me since as I thought it profound too.

Yes, Graeme reckoned that the gearbox was 'dragging' as it had just been rebuilt... but it was in gear... redface:

I'm struck by how poor the video quality is.... Things have moved on so far in such a short time - it would be 4K now! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2018, 08:39:04 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on September 04, 2018, 12:26:59 PM
Arf arf arf (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/a80d718205f8f2b3b8e28da509ab24e0.jpg)

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2018, 08:39:37 PM: (https://s22.postimg.cc/eqgcut4wd/speaking_part_play.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/eqgcut4wd/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2018, 04:15:41 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 04, 2018, 08:39:37 PM

(https://s22.postimg.cc/eqgcut4wd/speaking_part_play.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/image/eqgcut4wd/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 05, 2018, 06:56:54 AM: http://newsthump.com/2018/09/04/womans-most-erotic-fantasy-is-trousers-with-proper-pockets/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/09/04/womans-most-erotic-fantasy-is-trousers-with-proper-pockets/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2018, 09:19:23 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 05, 2018, 06:56:54 AM
http://newsthump.com/2018/09/04/womans-most-erotic-fantasy-is-trousers-with-proper-pockets/ (http://newsthump.com/2018/09/04/womans-most-erotic-fantasy-is-trousers-with-proper-pockets/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 13, 2018, 06:20:44 PM: https://www.facebook.com/1925403371008248/videos/374264923112213/?t=82 (https://www.facebook.com/1925403371008248/videos/374264923112213/?t=82)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2018, 07:23:34 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 13, 2018, 06:20:44 PM
https://www.facebook.com/1925403371008248/videos/374264923112213/?t=82 (https://www.facebook.com/1925403371008248/videos/374264923112213/?t=82)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2018, 02:47:01 PM: We call our grandad "Spiderman"

He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 14, 2018, 04:52:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2018, 02:47:01 PM
We call our grandad "Spiderman"

He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2018, 05:09:11 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 14, 2018, 04:52:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2018, 02:47:01 PM
We call our grandad "Spiderman"

He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 15, 2018, 08:03:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2018, 05:09:11 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 14, 2018, 04:52:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2018, 02:47:01 PM
We call our grandad "Spiderman"

He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 20, 2018, 03:10:22 PM: An Affs, but who cares

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUYpH1ashMc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUYpH1ashMc)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2018, 03:55:07 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 20, 2018, 03:10:22 PM
An Affs, but who cares

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUYpH1ashMc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUYpH1ashMc)

AFFS! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 21, 2018, 10:53:37 PM: Paddy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," said Paddy.
Once, on my way to the pub, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the living daylights out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, " And when did this happen?"
Paddy replied"About a couple of minutes ago."!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2018, 06:50:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 21, 2018, 10:53:37 PM
Paddy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," said Paddy.
Once, on my way to the pub, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the living daylights out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, " And when did this happen?"
Paddy replied"About a couple of minutes ago."!!!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 22, 2018, 04:28:28 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 23, 2018, 10:21:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 22, 2018, 06:50:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 21, 2018, 10:53:37 PM
Paddy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," said Paddy.
Once, on my way to the pub, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the living daylights out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, " And when did this happen?"
Paddy replied"About a couple of minutes ago."!!!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2018, 07:32:56 PM: (https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/uk_debate_mk_2/download/file.php?mode=view&id=3024988)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 07, 2018, 07:18:18 PM: A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fecking chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2018, 05:00:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 07, 2018, 07:18:18 PM
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fecking chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2018, 05:15:24 AM: My mate managed to commit suicide by jumping in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 08, 2018, 08:37:37 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 08, 2018, 05:15:24 AM
My mate managed to commit suicide by jumping in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 08, 2018, 04:08:35 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 08, 2018, 08:37:37 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 08, 2018, 05:15:24 AM
My mate managed to commit suicide by jumping in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 09, 2018, 08:57:04 AM: There was a tap on my door this morning.

My plumber has a strange sense of humour.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 09, 2018, 09:03:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 09, 2018, 08:57:04 AM
There was a tap on my door this morning.

My plumber has a strange sense of humour.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2018, 08:26:33 AM: YOUNG LAD looking at mom's ID card.
SEX F.
He laughs.
MOM "Whats funny."
LAD. "I can't believe you was so bad at sex you failed in it."
Husband dies laughing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 10, 2018, 10:26:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2018, 08:26:33 AM
YOUNG LAD looking at mom's ID card.
SEX F.
He laughs.
MOM "Whats funny."
LAD. "I can't believe you was so bad at sex you failed in it."
Husband dies laughing.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 10, 2018, 04:06:37 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 10, 2018, 10:26:29 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2018, 08:26:33 AM
YOUNG LAD looking at mom's ID card.
SEX F.
He laughs.
MOM "Whats funny."
LAD. "I can't believe you was so bad at sex you failed in it."
Husband dies laughing.

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 10, 2018, 08:22:03 PM: Afternoon all!!

I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she's made a formal complaint and I'm now banned for life.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2018, 04:31:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 10, 2018, 08:22:03 PM
Afternoon all!!

I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she's made a formal complaint and I'm now banned for life.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2018, 11:37:16 AM: As a Chinese dentist, I intentionally avoid giving appointments to patients at 14:30 to avoid their infantile attempt at a borderline racist joke.

I think it's only a matter of time before other dental practices follow suit.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2018, 12:02:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 16, 2018, 11:37:16 AM
As a Chinese dentist, I intentionally avoid giving appointments to patients at 14:30 to avoid their infantile attempt at a borderline racist joke.

I think it's only a matter of time before other dental practices follow suit.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 16, 2018, 01:11:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2018, 12:02:34 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 16, 2018, 11:37:16 AM
As a Chinese dentist, I intentionally avoid giving appointments to patients at 14:30 to avoid their infantile attempt at a borderline racist joke.

I think it's only a matter of time before other dental practices follow suit.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 17, 2018, 08:56:23 AM: https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24 (https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on October 17, 2018, 09:05:05 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 17, 2018, 08:56:23 AM
https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24 (https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24)

Meh
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 17, 2018, 09:15:12 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 17, 2018, 08:56:23 AM
https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24 (https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 17, 2018, 10:03:16 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on October 17, 2018, 09:05:05 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 17, 2018, 08:56:23 AM
https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24 (https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/157671958508387/?t=24)

Meh

^^^ wot Uncle said ^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2018, 05:55:02 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/QVqQYxyp/44258656-2070170449711058-6689416584336769024-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/QVqQYxyp)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 22, 2018, 04:50:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 19, 2018, 05:55:02 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVqQYxyp/44258656-2070170449711058-6689416584336769024-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/QVqQYxyp)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 22, 2018, 04:50:40 PM: A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 25, 2018, 04:06:12 PM: “Poor Old fool,” I thought as I watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So I invited the old man inside for a drink. As we sipped our whiskeys, I thought I'd humor the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 25, 2018, 04:33:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 25, 2018, 04:06:12 PM
“Poor Old fool,” I thought as I watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So I invited the old man inside for a drink. As we sipped our whiskeys, I thought I'd humor the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 25, 2018, 07:15:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 25, 2018, 04:33:33 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 25, 2018, 04:06:12 PM
“Poor Old fool,” I thought as I watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So I invited the old man inside for a drink. As we sipped our whiskeys, I thought I'd humor the old man and asked,
“So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 26, 2018, 12:21:33 PM: Affs?

An old man got on the packed bus this morning and shouted,
"I can't believe not even one of you bastards are offering me their seat!"

I thought I'm not standing for that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 26, 2018, 12:26:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2018, 12:21:33 PM
Affs?

An old man got on the packed bus this morning and shouted,
"I can't believe not even one of you bastards are offering me their seat!"

I thought I'm not standing for that.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 27, 2018, 01:24:41 PM: I've just opened the first day on My Dianne Abbott Advent Calendar.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2018, 01:59:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 27, 2018, 01:24:41 PM
I've just opened the first day on My Dianne Abbott Advent Calendar.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 27, 2018, 02:11:56 PM: My Wife laughed when I said,
"I still had a body of an 18 year old."

Until she checked the Freezer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2018, 02:27:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 27, 2018, 02:11:56 PM
My Wife laughed when I said,
"I still had a body of an 18 year old."

Until she checked the Freezer.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2018, 08:08:46 AM: Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2018, 08:10:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2018, 08:08:46 AM
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 29, 2018, 09:44:59 AM: https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35 (https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2018, 10:05:59 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 29, 2018, 09:44:59 AM
https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35 (https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 29, 2018, 10:10:58 AM: She's a friend of mine redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2018, 10:26:37 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 29, 2018, 10:10:58 AM
She's a friend of mine redface:

eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2018, 01:18:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 29, 2018, 10:05:59 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 29, 2018, 09:44:59 AM
https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35 (https://www.facebook.com/100007723746053/videos/2165851390348965/?t=35)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2018, 01:19:28 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 29, 2018, 10:10:58 AM
She's a friend of mine redface:
the hat or the cat?

OIC
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2018, 06:22:19 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/xkDfqDJ1/44979695-2085664971494939-795979739142553600-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/xkDfqDJ1)

and...

If I had 50p for every maths test I failed, I'd now have £4.20.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2018, 08:16:27 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 30, 2018, 06:22:19 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/xkDfqDJ1/44979695-2085664971494939-795979739142553600-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/xkDfqDJ1)

and...

If I had 50p for every maths test I failed, I'd now have £4.20.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2018, 09:45:45 PM: Affs?

(https://pics.me.me/a-german-shepherd-doberman-and-a-cat-have-died-all-37313190.png)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2018, 11:44:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 30, 2018, 09:45:45 PM
Affs?

(https://pics.me.me/a-german-shepherd-doberman-and-a-cat-have-died-all-37313190.png)
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2018, 05:37:39 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 30, 2018, 11:44:43 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 30, 2018, 09:45:45 PM
Affs?

(https://pics.me.me/a-german-shepherd-doberman-and-a-cat-have-died-all-37313190.png)
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2018, 07:11:49 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2018, 08:01:39 AM: Quote from: Nick on October 31, 2018, 07:11:49 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs)

whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2018, 09:49:00 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 31, 2018, 08:01:39 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 31, 2018, 07:11:49 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs)

whacky115
whacky115 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 31, 2018, 10:54:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2018, 09:49:00 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 31, 2018, 08:01:39 AM
Quote from: Nick on October 31, 2018, 07:11:49 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZmgVazBBvs)

whacky115
whacky115 whacky115
whacky115 whacky115 whacky115
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2018, 03:07:45 PM: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week"...
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"...
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW That's more than twice a week ! You could learn a lot from him"...
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That's once a day you could REALLY learn something from this one"...
I looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow"...

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2018, 06:24:53 PM: Three men die on Christmas Eve.
To get into Heaven St Peter says,
"You must have something on you that represents Christmas."
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle."
St Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says,
"They are bells."
St Peter lets him pass.
The Irishman pulls out his 10in cock and St peter says,
"How does that represent Christmas?"
Paddy replies,
"It's a fecking cracker isn't it?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2018, 07:02:48 PM: A couple years ago, one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph out of nowhere barged into the room, tripped, and fell head first onto the glass coffee table. Totally killed the vibe, now I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a shard of glass stuck in his eye, which had permanently blinded that eye. For months he walked around with one of those cotton pads covering his eye. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend!

Apparently they had bonded in the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me without so much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion if it wasn’t for cotton eyed Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eyed Joe?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on November 12, 2018, 08:44:30 AM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 12, 2018, 06:06:19 PM: I was sitting in the pub when this gorgeous woman came over and said “Every time you smile I want to bring you back to my place”
I said “fair play are you single?” She said “No. I'm a dentist”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 12, 2018, 06:29:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 12, 2018, 06:06:19 PM
I was sitting in the pub when this gorgeous woman came over and said “Every time you smile I want to bring you back to my place”
I said “fair play are you single?” She said “No. I'm a dentist”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 12, 2018, 08:42:09 PM: I said to my wife, "When I die I'd like to die having sex."

She said, "At least we know it will be quick."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 12, 2018, 09:52:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 12, 2018, 08:42:09 PM
I said to my wife, "When I die I'd like to die having sex."

She said, "At least we know it will be quick."
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 13, 2018, 04:47:10 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 12, 2018, 09:52:31 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 12, 2018, 08:42:09 PM
I said to my wife, "When I die I'd like to die having sex."

She said, "At least we know it will be quick."
drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 14, 2018, 09:43:00 PM: (https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46198624_2193063824046012_702867944836694016_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=bd0bc8f5edb837610b2f095a654f6099&oe=5C830B12)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 15, 2018, 06:18:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 14, 2018, 09:43:00 PM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46198624_2193063824046012_702867944836694016_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=bd0bc8f5edb837610b2f095a654f6099&oe=5C830B12)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 15, 2018, 09:00:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 15, 2018, 06:18:14 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 14, 2018, 09:43:00 PM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46198624_2193063824046012_702867944836694016_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=bd0bc8f5edb837610b2f095a654f6099&oe=5C830B12)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 15, 2018, 05:04:56 PM: It had been Snowing all night. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SO . .??
8:00 a.m. I made a Snowman.
8:10 A Feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a Snow WOMAN..???
8:15 So, I made a Snow Woman.
8:17 My Feminist neighbour complained about the Snow Woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified Snow Women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a Hissy-Fit and moaned it could have been two Snow MEN instead..??
8:22 The Transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one Snow Person with detachable parts.
8:25 The Vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the Snow Woman wear a Burqa..??
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral :- There is NO Moral to this Story.
It's just the World in which we live today, and it is going to get Worse, Much, Much Worse..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 15, 2018, 05:26:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 15, 2018, 05:04:56 PM
It had been Snowing all night. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SO . .??
8:00 a.m. I made a Snowman.
8:10 A Feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a Snow WOMAN..???
8:15 So, I made a Snow Woman.
8:17 My Feminist neighbour complained about the Snow Woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified Snow Women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a Hissy-Fit and moaned it could have been two Snow MEN instead..??
8:22 The Transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one Snow Person with detachable parts.
8:25 The Vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the Snow Woman wear a Burqa..??
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral :- There is NO Moral to this Story.
It's just the World in which we live today, and it is going to get Worse, Much, Much Worse..
lol: lol: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 19, 2018, 02:22:17 PM: https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI (https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 19, 2018, 10:05:51 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 19, 2018, 02:22:17 PM
https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI (https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI)

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2018, 05:49:35 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 19, 2018, 02:22:17 PM
https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI (https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1064117182005747714?s=04&fbclid=IwAR3EwXusaqPiumHeaUzX0UmLMtgAFP2tS6Otext0guwhSolHB3PlebZDZ7iI)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 23, 2018, 04:01:10 PM: https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40 (https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2018, 04:06:23 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2018, 04:01:10 PM
https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40 (https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2018, 04:47:26 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2018, 04:01:10 PM
https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40 (https://www.facebook.com/500PlusHPForSale/videos/1899796723391390/?t=40)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 23, 2018, 04:50:14 PM: LL would just drive through whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2018, 05:04:25 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2018, 04:50:14 PM
LL would just drive through whistle:

Yes... cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 23, 2018, 05:06:46 PM: How is her arse? I think of little else noooo: noooo: noooo:

Apart from Miss I's perky 32Ds

redface: kleenex: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2018, 06:24:25 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 23, 2018, 05:06:46 PM
How is her arse? I think of little else noooo: noooo: noooo:

Apart from Miss I's perky 32Ds

redface: kleenex: redface:

Arse seems to be a little better thanks! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 23, 2018, 06:57:20 PM: cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 24, 2018, 08:48:08 AM: https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 24, 2018, 09:03:53 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2018, 08:48:08 AM
https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0)

;D ;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 24, 2018, 09:15:48 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 24, 2018, 09:03:53 AM
Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2018, 08:48:08 AM
https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0)

;D ;D :thumbsup:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 24, 2018, 10:17:31 AM: ! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IABRgZH12YA#)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2018, 10:20:36 AM: Quote from: Nick on November 24, 2018, 08:48:08 AM
https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/sharon.oren.98/videos/10156229320227763/?t=0)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2018, 10:22:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2018, 10:17:31 AM
! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IABRgZH12YA#)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 24, 2018, 12:42:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2018, 10:17:31 AM
! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IABRgZH12YA#)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 24, 2018, 05:42:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 24, 2018, 12:42:30 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2018, 10:17:31 AM
! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IABRgZH12YA#)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 03, 2018, 10:55:30 PM: I just downloaded a pirate copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

The quality is crap....I can only see a little silhouette of a man.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2018, 05:26:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 03, 2018, 10:55:30 PM
I just downloaded a pirate copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

The quality is crap....I can only see a little silhouette of a man.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 04, 2018, 10:22:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 04, 2018, 05:26:56 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 03, 2018, 10:55:30 PM
I just downloaded a pirate copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

The quality is crap....I can only see a little silhouette of a man.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 04, 2018, 10:59:54 AM: https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY (https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 04, 2018, 11:30:43 AM: Quote from: Nick on December 04, 2018, 10:59:54 AM
https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY (https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2018, 01:21:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 04, 2018, 11:30:43 AM
Quote from: Nick on December 04, 2018, 10:59:54 AM
https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY (https://newsthump.com/2018/12/04/britain-responds-to-david-attenboroughs-heartfelt-climate-change-plea-by-attaching-sixty-trillion-christmas-lights-to-its-rooftops/?fbclid=IwAR0m_1IHZ72q_Js6HsecN5aUrTRO5C7KB27zdXyY5nSIR8Y-LevJfIno-tY)
lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 05, 2018, 06:08:09 PM: This morning I watched my neighbour talking to her cat.
Poor woman obviously thought her cat fully understood her.
When I got back home I told my dog what happened,
Oh how we laughed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2018, 06:22:04 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 05, 2018, 06:08:09 PM
This morning I watched my neighbour talking to her cat.
Poor woman obviously thought her cat fully understood her.
When I got back home I told my dog what happened,
Oh how we laughed.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 07, 2018, 02:26:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2018, 06:22:04 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 05, 2018, 06:08:09 PM
This morning I watched my neighbour talking to her cat.
Poor woman obviously thought her cat fully understood her.
When I got back home I told my dog what happened,
Oh how we laughed.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 14, 2018, 12:50:32 PM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 14, 2018, 12:55:01 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 14, 2018, 12:50:32 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2018, 01:07:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 14, 2018, 12:55:01 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 14, 2018, 12:50:32 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGomt6VjZys)
happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:43:48 PM: My teachers at school said I wouldn't make a living starring out a window!

Well I proved them wrong I'm a truck driver

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM: *staring ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:57:20 PM: Quote from: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
*staring ::)

facepalm:

I bet you are a whizz with your red pen... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 16, 2018, 08:01:06 PM: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 16, 2018, 10:23:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:57:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
*staring ::)

facepalm:

I bet you are a whizz with your red pen... ::)

It's the red whizz that is his problem.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2018, 10:43:42 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 16, 2018, 10:23:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:57:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
*staring ::)

facepalm:

I bet you are a whizz with your red pen... ::)

It's the red whizz that is his problem.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 17, 2018, 02:17:01 AM: sad24: sad24: sad24: sad24: sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 17, 2018, 07:16:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:57:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
*staring ::)

facepalm:

I bet you are a whizz with your red pen... ::)

Ooh, you can't use red pen; it's too aggresive (I kid you not noooo: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 17, 2018, 07:22:47 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 16, 2018, 10:23:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 16, 2018, 07:57:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on December 16, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
*staring ::)

facepalm:

I bet you are a whizz with your red pen... ::)

It's the red whizz that is his problem.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 17, 2018, 07:30:51 AM: sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 18, 2018, 09:20:44 AM: this has an Affs air to it

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam...
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day...
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained...
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"...
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour"...?
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open"..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 18, 2018, 09:26:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 18, 2018, 09:20:44 AM
this has an Affs air to it

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam...
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day...
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained...
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"...
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour"...?
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open"..

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 18, 2018, 11:39:17 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 18, 2018, 09:26:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 18, 2018, 09:20:44 AM
this has an Affs air to it

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam...
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day...
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained...
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"...
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour"...?
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open"..

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 19, 2018, 08:34:34 AM: It's my birthday tomorrow. Last year the lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex as a joint birthday and Christmas present. They obviously misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2018, 09:01:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2018, 08:34:34 AM
It's my birthday tomorrow. Last year the lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex as a joint birthday and Christmas present. They obviously misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2018, 10:06:11 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 19, 2018, 09:01:44 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 19, 2018, 08:34:34 AM
It's my birthday tomorrow. Last year the lesbian couple next door gave me a Rolex as a joint birthday and Christmas present. They obviously misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 20, 2018, 09:45:53 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb/bulbarse.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 20, 2018, 09:47:40 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2018, 09:53:48 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 20, 2018, 09:45:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb/bulbarse.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2018, 04:49:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 20, 2018, 09:45:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb/bulbarse.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb)

lol: lol: lol:

Or get LED bulbs! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2018, 06:38:16 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2018, 04:49:53 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 20, 2018, 09:45:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb/bulbarse.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb)

lol: lol: lol:

Or get LED bulbs! :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

Jeremy and Tarquin could use fairy lights, but it would be like throwing a sausage in the Royal Albert Hall 2gayers:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2018, 08:15:56 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2018, 06:38:16 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2018, 04:49:53 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 20, 2018, 09:45:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb/bulbarse.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mh8rgcZb)

lol: lol: lol:

Or get LED bulbs! :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

Jeremy and Tarquin could use fairy lights, but it would be like throwing a sausage in the Royal Albert Hall 2gayers:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on December 21, 2018, 08:41:56 PM: Day 987 without sex ........

I went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 21, 2018, 08:43:18 PM: You poor girl. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2018, 11:33:44 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on December 21, 2018, 08:41:56 PM
Day 987 without sex ........

I went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound happy002
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2018, 05:27:43 AM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on December 21, 2018, 08:41:56 PM
Day 987 without sex ........

I went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound happy002

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2018, 06:10:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2018, 05:27:43 AM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on December 21, 2018, 08:41:56 PM
Day 987 without sex ........

I went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound happy002

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 23, 2018, 07:30:42 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/hz9gchpB/tourguide.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hz9gchpB)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2018, 07:41:51 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 23, 2018, 07:30:42 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/hz9gchpB/tourguide.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hz9gchpB)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 23, 2018, 09:45:06 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2018, 07:41:51 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 23, 2018, 07:30:42 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/hz9gchpB/tourguide.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hz9gchpB)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 23, 2018, 12:33:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 23, 2018, 09:45:06 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2018, 07:41:51 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 23, 2018, 07:30:42 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/hz9gchpB/tourguide.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hz9gchpB)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 24, 2018, 09:00:52 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt/48421799-1955375927914696-316317379208413184-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 24, 2018, 09:31:04 AM: Quote from: Nick on December 24, 2018, 09:00:52 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt/48421799-1955375927914696-316317379208413184-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt)

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 24, 2018, 10:25:57 AM: Quote from: Nick on December 24, 2018, 09:00:52 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt/48421799-1955375927914696-316317379208413184-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzNpPpXt)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2018, 11:48:36 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T/asda-trolley.png) (https://postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2018, 12:09:57 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2018, 11:48:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T/asda-trolley.png) (https://postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2018, 12:17:17 PM: A BOXING DAY POOEM.

You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared, you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain, you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain.
But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth.
And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer, a turd the size of King Kongs arm emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood, and making room inside your guts for lots more christmas food!!
Happy Christmas.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2018, 01:17:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2018, 12:09:57 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2018, 11:48:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T/asda-trolley.png) (https://postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2018, 01:35:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2018, 12:17:17 PM
A BOXING DAY POOEM.

You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared, you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain, you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain.
But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth.
And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer, a turd the size of King Kongs arm emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood, and making room inside your guts for lots more christmas food!!
Happy Christmas.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2018, 05:41:48 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2018, 01:17:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2018, 12:09:57 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2018, 11:48:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T/asda-trolley.png) (https://postimg.cc/34xDSJ3T)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 09, 2019, 11:58:42 PM: I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused

Not bad, seven letters :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2019, 06:09:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2019, 11:58:42 PM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused

Not bad, seven letters :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on January 10, 2019, 06:26:55 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2019, 06:09:01 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2019, 11:58:42 PM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused

Not bad, seven letters :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:

Speaking of the lovely Rachel I hear in the news that she told George Galloway to fuck off. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2019, 09:43:46 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2019, 06:09:01 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2019, 11:58:42 PM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused

Not bad, seven letters :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2019, 10:07:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2019, 09:43:46 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2019, 06:09:01 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 09, 2019, 11:58:42 PM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused

Not bad, seven letters :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2019, 08:26:54 AM: LL asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner last night...

...so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm! happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2019, 09:17:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2019, 08:26:54 AM
LL asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner last night...

...so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm! happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 16, 2019, 10:16:44 AM: Sad but true noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 16, 2019, 08:55:34 PM: A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2019, 09:02:04 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2019, 08:55:34 PM
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2019, 09:33:13 PM: It’s three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair… and I haven’t heard anything since
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 18, 2019, 09:38:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2019, 09:33:13 PM
It’s three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair… and I haven’t heard anything since
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2019, 06:12:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2019, 09:38:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2019, 09:33:13 PM
It’s three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair… and I haven’t heard anything since
happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 19, 2019, 09:47:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 19, 2019, 06:12:03 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2019, 09:38:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2019, 09:33:13 PM
It’s three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair… and I haven’t heard anything since
happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 19, 2019, 04:06:46 PM: A MARRIED IRISHMAN WENT INTO THE CONFESSIONAL AND SAID TO HIS PRIEST, 'I ALMOST HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'... The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 20, 2019, 01:29:08 PM: Elsewhere, Diane Abbott is accusing QT presenter of not being properly briefed.

Abbott commented “I counted Fiona Bruce’s mistakes. She made four-tenty. You could employ a battleship of police officers with that much”.

happy001

Clicky... (http://www.timworstall.com/2019/01/19/umm-well-yes/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 21, 2019, 06:43:03 AM: "Sorry I'm late home" I said as I arrived home from work.

"Some bloke lost a £20 note in Morrisons"

"Aww were you helping him look for it?" Said my wife.

"No, I was fucking standing on it"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 21, 2019, 07:09:40 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 21, 2019, 06:43:03 AM
"Sorry I'm late home" I said as I arrived home from work.

"Some bloke lost a £20 note in Morrisons"

"Aww were you helping him look for it?" Said my wife.

"No, I was fucking standing on it"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 21, 2019, 12:51:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 21, 2019, 07:09:40 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 21, 2019, 06:43:03 AM
"Sorry I'm late home" I said as I arrived home from work.

"Some bloke lost a £20 note in Morrisons"

"Aww were you helping him look for it?" Said my wife.

"No, I was fucking standing on it"

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2019, 04:39:56 PM: Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look at the window.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2019, 04:45:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2019, 04:39:56 PM
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look at the window.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Miss Demeanour on January 23, 2019, 07:16:23 PM: A Red Indian introduced me to his stunning wife.

"This is Four Horses " he said by way of an introduction to her.

"Wow , thats a beautiful name what does it mean ? " I said to him

"Fucking nag,nag,nag,nag " of course
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2019, 07:21:53 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 23, 2019, 07:16:23 PM
A Red Indian introduced me to his stunning wife.

"This is Four Horses " he said by way of an introduction to her.

"Wow , thats a beautiful name what does it mean ? " I said to him

"Fucking nag,nag,nag,nag " of course

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2019, 07:59:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 23, 2019, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on January 23, 2019, 07:16:23 PM
A Red Indian introduced me to his stunning wife.

"This is Four Horses " he said by way of an introduction to her.

"Wow , thats a beautiful name what does it mean ? " I said to him

"Fucking nag,nag,nag,nag " of course

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 25, 2019, 07:55:06 AM: https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/227671688175657/?t=210 (https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/227671688175657/?t=210)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2019, 08:28:23 AM: Quote from: Nick on January 25, 2019, 07:55:06 AM
https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/227671688175657/?t=210 (https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/227671688175657/?t=210)

I follow Big Clive on YouTube - excellent! :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 25, 2019, 11:18:02 AM: Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend (if your sleeping send me your dreams, if your laughing send me your smile, if you are crying send me your tear drops.)

Bloke responds (I'm having a shit, what do I do???????????)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2019, 11:19:00 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2019, 11:18:02 AM
Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend (if your sleeping send me your dreams, if your laughing send me your smile, if you are crying send me your tear drops.)

Bloke responds (I'm having a shit, what do I do???????????)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 25, 2019, 07:52:44 PM: A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie..
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent...
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it..
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2019, 07:55:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2019, 07:52:44 PM
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie..
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent...
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it..
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.'

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 26, 2019, 08:06:53 AM: https://www.facebook.com/pg/Christian-Mothers-Against-Masturbation-1560660604170522/posts/?ref=page_internal (https://www.facebook.com/pg/Christian-Mothers-Against-Masturbation-1560660604170522/posts/?ref=page_internal)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2019, 08:26:40 AM: Quote from: Nick on January 26, 2019, 08:06:53 AM
https://www.facebook.com/pg/Christian-Mothers-Against-Masturbation-1560660604170522/posts/?ref=page_internal (https://www.facebook.com/pg/Christian-Mothers-Against-Masturbation-1560660604170522/posts/?ref=page_internal)

eeek: & happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2019, 11:15:51 AM: eeek: eeek:

lol: lol: lol:

One has to wonder, what was Nick searching for to find that?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2019, 11:46:51 AM: A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 64 years old. I only get an erection once a week. I fart 35 times a day!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2019, 12:17:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2019, 11:46:51 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 64 years old. I only get an erection once a week. I fart 35 times a day!"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2019, 12:18:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2019, 12:17:36 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2019, 11:46:51 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 64 years old. I only get an erection once a week. I fart 35 times a day!"

lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 26, 2019, 12:43:55 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 26, 2019, 12:18:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 26, 2019, 12:17:36 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2019, 11:46:51 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 64 years old. I only get an erection once a week. I fart 35 times a day!"

lol:

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2019, 05:41:30 PM: An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 26, 2019, 06:50:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2019, 05:41:30 PM
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2019, 07:09:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2019, 05:41:30 PM
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 27, 2019, 09:59:35 PM: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 28, 2019, 05:51:54 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 27, 2019, 09:59:35 PM
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 28, 2019, 08:57:06 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 28, 2019, 05:51:54 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 27, 2019, 09:59:35 PM
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 28, 2019, 11:30:47 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 28, 2019, 08:57:06 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 28, 2019, 05:51:54 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 27, 2019, 09:59:35 PM
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 30, 2019, 04:26:31 PM: From Pasties. Dodgy law firm noooo:

https://www.wrighthassall.co.uk/ (https://www.wrighthassall.co.uk/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2019, 07:01:22 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50970752_2446594905361278_5859865229030064128_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=892a05fce39b874bae2cea6f4b457bc7&oe=5CF3B9CD)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2019, 07:02:11 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50891635_10158015815503368_3039353423993503744_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=7aa8266e26df083fa8c678ed8bf40419&oe=5CB2954B)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2019, 07:02:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2019, 07:01:22 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50970752_2446594905361278_5859865229030064128_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=892a05fce39b874bae2cea6f4b457bc7&oe=5CF3B9CD)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2019, 07:02:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 30, 2019, 07:02:11 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50891635_10158015815503368_3039353423993503744_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=7aa8266e26df083fa8c678ed8bf40419&oe=5CB2954B)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 02, 2019, 09:52:56 PM: With the conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I’d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shop.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2019, 09:56:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 02, 2019, 09:52:56 PM
With the conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I’d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shop.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2019, 10:03:08 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2019, 09:56:32 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 02, 2019, 09:52:56 PM
With the conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I’d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shop.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2019, 04:05:16 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51144383_10155991496141629_2302281132705579008_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=2da3a75ade4ad902d29b2b1d620927c6&oe=5CB837D2)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2019, 04:09:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 03, 2019, 04:05:16 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51144383_10155991496141629_2302281132705579008_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=2da3a75ade4ad902d29b2b1d620927c6&oe=5CB837D2)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 03, 2019, 04:11:12 PM: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 03, 2019, 11:40:26 PM: The girlfriend decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses.

20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 04, 2019, 06:32:13 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 03, 2019, 11:40:26 PM
The girlfriend decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses.

20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 04, 2019, 11:49:06 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 04, 2019, 06:32:13 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 03, 2019, 11:40:26 PM
The girlfriend decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses.

20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 05, 2019, 11:07:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 04, 2019, 11:49:06 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 04, 2019, 06:32:13 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 03, 2019, 11:40:26 PM
The girlfriend decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses.

20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 07, 2019, 09:05:53 PM: A lady came into the pharmacy today and asked if we sold extra large condoms...
I said, "We do would you like to buy some"...?
She replied, "No, but do you mind if I stand here until somebody does"...?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 07, 2019, 09:10:17 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2019, 09:05:53 PM
A lady came into the pharmacy today and asked if we sold extra large condoms...
I said, "We do would you like to buy some"...?
She replied, "No, but do you mind if I stand here until somebody does"...?
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2019, 05:06:09 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2019, 09:10:17 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 07, 2019, 09:05:53 PM
A lady came into the pharmacy today and asked if we sold extra large condoms...
I said, "We do would you like to buy some"...?
She replied, "No, but do you mind if I stand here until somebody does"...?
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2019, 03:40:18 PM: I'm not sure if this is a scam or not... rubschin:

I just got a text saying I had won €250 or two tickets to an Elvis tribute concert!

It says, "Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show"

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 08, 2019, 03:48:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 08, 2019, 03:40:18 PM
I'm not sure if this is a scam or not... rubschin:

I just got a text saying I had won €250 or two tickets to an Elvis tribute concert!

It says, "Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show"

redface: redface: redface:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 09, 2019, 08:16:16 AM: A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2019, 08:42:33 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 09, 2019, 08:16:16 AM
A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2019, 10:50:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 09, 2019, 08:42:33 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 09, 2019, 08:16:16 AM
A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 11, 2019, 10:32:58 PM: (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51565934_10215911708497973_2806857631556173824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=ec52d4e5a179aea421a43a03248e3d48&oe=5CE6051A)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2019, 05:12:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 11, 2019, 10:32:58 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51565934_10215911708497973_2806857631556173824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=ec52d4e5a179aea421a43a03248e3d48&oe=5CE6051A)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 15, 2019, 03:33:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2019, 05:12:38 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 11, 2019, 10:32:58 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51565934_10215911708497973_2806857631556173824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=ec52d4e5a179aea421a43a03248e3d48&oe=5CE6051A)

lol:
Shrugs: I'll blame the cat
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 15, 2019, 03:33:31 PM: (https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/uk_debate_mk_2/download/file.php?id=3025142&t=1)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2019, 03:39:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 15, 2019, 03:33:31 PM
(https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/uk_debate_mk_2/download/file.php?id=3025142&t=1)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on February 19, 2019, 11:47:21 AM: I've often wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall at the Finsbury Park mosque.

Crowded, I'd imagine.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 19, 2019, 11:49:46 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on February 19, 2019, 11:47:21 AM
I've often wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall at the Finsbury Park mosque.

Crowded, I'd imagine.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 22, 2019, 10:42:34 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm/bob.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 22, 2019, 11:10:10 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 22, 2019, 10:42:34 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm/bob.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2019, 12:58:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2019, 11:10:10 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 22, 2019, 10:42:34 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm/bob.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2019, 03:34:21 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 22, 2019, 10:42:34 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm/bob.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 22, 2019, 05:05:07 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 22, 2019, 12:58:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2019, 11:10:10 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 22, 2019, 10:42:34 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm/bob.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v1Xd5kLm)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 01, 2019, 01:22:25 PM: https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ (https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 01, 2019, 01:25:49 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 01, 2019, 01:22:25 PM
https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ (https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 01, 2019, 01:27:17 PM: Total cost to taxpayers revealed today to be over half a billion!!! He deserves to be whipped through the streets. cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 01, 2019, 02:36:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 01, 2019, 01:25:49 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 01, 2019, 01:22:25 PM
https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ (https://newsthump.com/2019/03/01/huge-fire-engulfs-department-of-transport-after-chris-grayling-tries-to-use-stapler/?fbclid=IwAR186dhwvNl_yUZ_WWawKRABIAwNs_jv8uicEkKpLoo3NXldXM2hVvIyYuQ)
happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 01, 2019, 02:40:27 PM: I sent this to the cvnt. He makes Diane Abbott look competent noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2019, 05:50:34 PM: http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8 (http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 04, 2019, 06:39:55 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 04, 2019, 05:50:34 PM
http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8 (http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 04, 2019, 07:17:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 04, 2019, 06:39:55 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 04, 2019, 05:50:34 PM
http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8 (http://eveningharold.com/2019/03/04/grayling-gives-108m-contract-to-bryan-ferry/?fbclid=IwAR16zMTbdtR4Xsr7ARI7PsByCbrOyKqACilOuVSpZ9N57ci5WjsE48sCRe8)
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 04, 2019, 10:58:44 PM: Please be aware!!! We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them) and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ..A Peeking Duck!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2019, 05:09:08 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 04, 2019, 10:58:44 PM
Please be aware!!! We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them) and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ..A Peeking Duck!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 05, 2019, 07:21:36 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw/vent.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2019, 09:38:40 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 05, 2019, 07:21:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw/vent.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 05, 2019, 09:58:07 AM: Just burnt the pancakes. They’re so black and thin I’m expecting Bono to turn up and sing them a fucking song.

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2019, 10:03:28 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 05, 2019, 09:58:07 AM
Just burnt the pancakes. They’re so black and thin I’m expecting Bono to turn up and sing them a fucking song.

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2019, 10:19:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 05, 2019, 09:38:40 AM
Quote from: Nick on March 05, 2019, 07:21:36 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw/vent.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4H6PHfGw)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2019, 11:52:19 PM: Affs? (search says no)

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... BLOODY... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2019, 05:07:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2019, 11:52:19 PM
Affs? (search says no)

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... BLOODY... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 08, 2019, 10:10:33 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 08, 2019, 05:07:29 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2019, 11:52:19 PM
Affs? (search says no)

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... BLOODY... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 09, 2019, 08:29:23 AM: https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165 (https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2019, 09:37:47 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 09, 2019, 08:29:23 AM
https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165 (https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165)
facepalm:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2019, 02:03:35 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 09, 2019, 08:29:23 AM
https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165 (https://www.facebook.com/cunnyfunts01/videos/811097492584891/?t=165)
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2019, 03:35:55 PM: An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing
in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought. It comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I thing Blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. "I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhea wins!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.
"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed.
However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2019, 03:42:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2019, 03:35:55 PM
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing
in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought. It comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I thing Blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. "I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhea wins!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.
"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed.
However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2019, 04:53:27 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 10, 2019, 03:42:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2019, 03:35:55 PM
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing
in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought. It comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I thing Blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. "I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhea wins!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.
"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed.
However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself
happy001 happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2019, 12:16:08 PM: Affs?

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2019, 12:34:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2019, 12:16:08 PM
Affs?

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 12, 2019, 01:56:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2019, 12:34:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2019, 12:16:08 PM
Affs?

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 15, 2019, 10:33:49 AM: Typical Australian falling one short of a half century in New Zealand.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2019, 10:42:33 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 15, 2019, 10:33:49 AM
Typical Australian falling one short of a half century in New Zealand.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 15, 2019, 02:21:25 PM: Turns out Friday prayers were answered after all.

Not theirs, obviously.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2019, 02:33:06 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 15, 2019, 02:21:25 PM
Turns out Friday prayers were answered after all.

Not theirs, obviously.

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 15, 2019, 04:44:55 PM: moving on

Now that hurricane Gareth has passed, I would like to thank my neighbours for the garden shed,
two wheelie bins,
a trampoline,
and a six month old Yorkshire terrier named patch.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2019, 06:23:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2019, 02:33:06 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 15, 2019, 02:21:25 PM
Turns out Friday prayers were answered after all.

Not theirs, obviously.

happy002
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-47597710 (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-47597710)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2019, 07:21:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 16, 2019, 06:23:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2019, 02:33:06 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on March 15, 2019, 02:21:25 PM
Turns out Friday prayers were answered after all.

Not theirs, obviously.

happy002
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-47597710 (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-47597710)

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2019, 08:47:40 PM: thought you ought to know just in cases
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2019, 07:14:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 16, 2019, 08:47:40 PM
thought you ought to know just in cases

Tar... :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 19, 2019, 09:34:02 AM: https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2019, 09:38:17 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 19, 2019, 09:34:02 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2019, 09:57:06 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2019, 09:38:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on March 19, 2019, 09:34:02 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 19, 2019, 07:25:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2019, 09:57:06 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2019, 09:38:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on March 19, 2019, 09:34:02 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 19, 2019, 11:42:19 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 19, 2019, 07:25:46 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2019, 09:57:06 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2019, 09:38:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on March 19, 2019, 09:34:02 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9 (https://www.facebook.com/Dnbnmore/videos/341966669862892/?t=9)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 20, 2019, 09:49:06 PM: Just got back from a faith healer meeting.

He was absolute shit, even a chap in a wheelchair got up and left.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2019, 05:19:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 20, 2019, 09:49:06 PM
Just got back from a faith healer meeting.

He was absolute shit, even a chap in a wheelchair got up and left.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 21, 2019, 09:39:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 21, 2019, 05:19:34 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 20, 2019, 09:49:06 PM
Just got back from a faith healer meeting.

He was absolute shit, even a chap in a wheelchair got up and left.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 22, 2019, 02:44:13 PM: Affs?

Last night spent 20 minutes trying to get the Wife's Bra off.
I starting to wish I had never tried it on in the first place.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 25, 2019, 01:40:19 PM: Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time – just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, fuck wit, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere today!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 26, 2019, 05:10:39 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 25, 2019, 01:40:19 PM
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time – just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, fuck wit, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere today!'

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 26, 2019, 01:50:13 PM: WARNING.
If you receive a Email with the subject line, "Two free tickets for the next Scotland home game".
DON'T OPEN IT.
It contains two free tickets for the next Scotland home game.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 26, 2019, 02:19:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2019, 01:50:13 PM
WARNING.
If you receive a Email with the subject line, "Two free tickets for the next Scotland home game".
DON'T OPEN IT.
It contains two free tickets for the next Scotland home game.

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM: My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2019, 06:56:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 27, 2019, 08:11:23 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2019, 06:56:55 AM
Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 27, 2019, 09:06:31 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 27, 2019, 08:11:23 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2019, 06:56:55 AM
Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 27, 2019, 09:21:35 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 27, 2019, 09:06:31 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 27, 2019, 08:11:23 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2019, 06:56:55 AM
Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 27, 2019, 09:47:48 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 27, 2019, 09:06:31 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 27, 2019, 08:11:23 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2019, 06:56:55 AM
Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2019, 06:04:33 AM
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon ,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2019, 08:01:35 PM: Paddy and Mick are on holiday and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads:
"Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and earn £500".
So Mick goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out yelling "F--- that, I can't breathe, them f-----' flies are in my mouth!" ..."You'll never do it Paddy"...
Paddy says, "No sweat, Mick, get me in there"
So Paddy goes in and spends the full 10 minutes in the room then comes out.
Mick says, "Frickin' hell Paddy!! How the heck did ya do that?"
Paddy says "Easy Mick, I done a shit in one corner and sat in the other!".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 29, 2019, 10:32:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 29, 2019, 08:01:35 PM
Paddy and Mick are on holiday and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads:
"Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and earn £500".
So Mick goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out yelling "F--- that, I can't breathe, them f-----' flies are in my mouth!" ..."You'll never do it Paddy"...
Paddy says, "No sweat, Mick, get me in there"
So Paddy goes in and spends the full 10 minutes in the room then comes out.
Mick says, "Frickin' hell Paddy!! How the heck did ya do that?"
Paddy says "Easy Mick, I done a shit in one corner and sat in the other!".

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 31, 2019, 10:07:02 AM: I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.”
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.".....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2019, 10:21:39 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 31, 2019, 10:07:02 AM
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.”
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.".....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 31, 2019, 11:34:56 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 31, 2019, 10:21:39 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 31, 2019, 10:07:02 AM
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.”
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.".....

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 01, 2019, 05:40:02 PM: This year we could possibly see the end of May before the end of April........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2019, 05:41:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2019, 05:40:02 PM
This year we could possibly see the end of May before the end of April........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Apey! cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 01, 2019, 07:06:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 01, 2019, 05:41:21 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2019, 05:40:02 PM
This year we could possibly see the end of May before the end of April........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Apey! cloud9:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 01, 2019, 07:37:44 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 01, 2019, 07:06:36 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 01, 2019, 05:41:21 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2019, 05:40:02 PM
This year we could possibly see the end of May before the end of April........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Apey! cloud9:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 03, 2019, 06:54:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 09:05:41 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM
http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)

Midgets! happy001

How many of them are yours...? ::)

Oh sweet lord !! I'm laughing so much at the midget one I can't breathe!! total giggle breakdown. I'm crying with laughter and not supposed to get my lashes wet for 24 hours!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 03, 2019, 07:04:33 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 03, 2019, 06:54:16 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2017, 09:05:41 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 25, 2017, 08:44:28 AM
http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/ (http://thehookmag.com/2017/02/23-funniest-trip-adviser-reviews-ever-124198/)

Midgets! happy001

How many of them are yours...? ::)

Oh sweet lord !! I'm laughing so much at the midget one I can't breathe!! total giggle breakdown. I'm crying with laughter and not supposed to get my lashes wet for 24 hours!!!
lol: lol: lol:

I couldn't work out if they were upset about the Porn DVD being there or that the staff retrieved it before they could view it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 03, 2019, 10:10:59 PM: Hi guys Warning'...................

IV been getting spammed in Messenger by a guy called Buster,

He keeps sending me videos of songs by 70s Glam Rockers The Sweet ,

So does anyone know a way There's got to be a way to Block Buster???..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2019, 04:34:46 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2019, 10:10:59 PM
Hi guys Warning'...................

IV been getting spammed in Messenger by a guy called Buster,

He keeps sending me videos of songs by 70s Glam Rockers The Sweet ,

So does anyone know a way There's got to be a way to Block Buster???..........

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2019, 05:58:17 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 03, 2019, 10:10:59 PM
Hi guys Warning'...................

IV been getting spammed in Messenger by a guy called Buster,

He keeps sending me videos of songs by 70s Glam Rockers The Sweet ,

So does anyone know a way There's got to be a way to Block Buster???..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 04, 2019, 11:33:11 PM: As you may know I work in the wedding industry. Can't believe this noooo:

I was at a wedding the other day and as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle, the guest beside me whispered "I give it 6 months"
Clearly outraged and uncomfortable with his comment I told him to not be so disrespectful and asked him why on earth he would say such a thing....

He replied,

"I'm her doctor"

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2019, 04:29:57 AM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 04, 2019, 11:33:11 PM
As you may know I work in the wedding industry. Can't believe this noooo:

I was at a wedding the other day and as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle, the guest beside me whispered "I give it 6 months"
Clearly outraged and uncomfortable with his comment I told him to not be so disrespectful and asked him why on earth he would say such a thing....

He replied,

"I'm her doctor"

eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2019, 10:27:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2019, 04:29:57 AM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 04, 2019, 11:33:11 PM
As you may know I work in the wedding industry. Can't believe this noooo:

I was at a wedding the other day and as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle, the guest beside me whispered "I give it 6 months"
Clearly outraged and uncomfortable with his comment I told him to not be so disrespectful and asked him why on earth he would say such a thing....

He replied,

"I'm her doctor"

eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 05, 2019, 11:12:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2019, 10:27:52 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2019, 04:29:57 AM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 04, 2019, 11:33:11 PM
As you may know I work in the wedding industry. Can't believe this noooo:

I was at a wedding the other day and as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle, the guest beside me whispered "I give it 6 months"
Clearly outraged and uncomfortable with his comment I told him to not be so disrespectful and asked him why on earth he would say such a thing....

He replied,

"I'm her doctor"

eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2019, 04:32:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 05, 2019, 11:12:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2019, 10:27:52 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2019, 04:29:57 AM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 04, 2019, 11:33:11 PM
As you may know I work in the wedding industry. Can't believe this noooo:

I was at a wedding the other day and as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle, the guest beside me whispered "I give it 6 months"
Clearly outraged and uncomfortable with his comment I told him to not be so disrespectful and asked him why on earth he would say such a thing....

He replied,

"I'm her doctor"

eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 05, 2019, 09:18:57 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q/56367338-2163331850400652-7709661910605496320-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2019, 09:22:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 05, 2019, 09:18:57 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q/56367338-2163331850400652-7709661910605496320-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2019, 10:56:16 PM: Unread post 17 minutes ago #815
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £980,000 for it."
MAN:"Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who’s phone this is?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 06, 2019, 04:54:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 05, 2019, 09:18:57 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q/56367338-2163331850400652-7709661910605496320-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q)

eveilgrin:

Not sure I could eat a whole one... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 06, 2019, 05:42:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 06, 2019, 04:54:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 05, 2019, 09:18:57 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q/56367338-2163331850400652-7709661910605496320-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/n9Zrcq8q)

eveilgrin:

Not sure I could eat a whole one... rubschin:
I expect they'd do 'doggie' bags
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2019, 06:35:24 AM: Affs cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2019, 03:58:51 PM: https://m.facebook.com/#!/manversusbaby/photos/a.741587209312235/1456333124504303/?type=3&source=48
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2019, 04:15:49 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 07, 2019, 03:58:51 PM
https://m.facebook.com/#!/manversusbaby/photos/a.741587209312235/1456333124504303/?type=3&source=48

lol: lol: lol: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 07, 2019, 05:52:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 07, 2019, 04:15:49 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 07, 2019, 03:58:51 PM
https://m.facebook.com/#!/manversusbaby/photos/a.741587209312235/1456333124504303/?type=3&source=48

lol: lol: lol: eeek:
lol: lol: lol: lol: Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 07, 2019, 05:55:22 PM: Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 07, 2019, 05:57:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 07, 2019, 05:52:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 07, 2019, 04:15:49 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 07, 2019, 03:58:51 PM
https://m.facebook.com/#!/manversusbaby/photos/a.741587209312235/1456333124504303/?type=3&source=48

lol: lol: lol: eeek:
lol: lol: lol: lol: Shocked:

Regrettably, all parents have similar experiences sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 07, 2019, 07:20:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 07, 2019, 05:55:22 PM
Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 08, 2019, 05:41:19 AM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 07, 2019, 07:20:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 07, 2019, 05:55:22 PM
Affs?

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 08, 2019, 01:55:43 PM: In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Theresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Theresa commented to Jeremy, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Jeremy agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Theresa’s hand in his right hand and the Jeremy's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Theresa.
"Amen," said Jeremy.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same...."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 08, 2019, 04:41:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 08, 2019, 01:55:43 PM
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Theresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Theresa commented to Jeremy, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Jeremy agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Theresa’s hand in his right hand and the Jeremy's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Theresa.
"Amen," said Jeremy.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards, and I would like to do the same...."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 10, 2019, 03:42:35 PM: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 10, 2019, 04:56:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 10, 2019, 03:42:35 PM
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 10, 2019, 09:15:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 10, 2019, 03:42:35 PM
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 11, 2019, 09:49:47 AM: Wonderful, wonderful short letter in today’s Guardian, by Nigel Moss, on the top 10 listing of director Stanley Kubrick’s films: “The problem with putting Spartacus in the top 10 of films is that before long, all the films in the top 10 will be Spartacus.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2019, 07:00:09 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 11, 2019, 09:49:47 AM
Wonderful, wonderful short letter in today’s Guardian, by Nigel Moss, on the top 10 listing of director Stanley Kubrick’s films: “The problem with putting Spartacus in the top 10 of films is that before long, all the films in the top 10 will be Spartacus.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2019, 08:30:04 PM: https://newsthump.com/2019/04/11/tv-fans-delighted-as-brexit-renewed-for-another-season/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork&fbclid=IwAR1S5VmOyoUjbyQjsWjlrjN2XY_KNfAZyE0pkMcb-hZAISv3Gyh1bHfBAjs
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 15, 2019, 08:39:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 15, 2019, 08:30:04 PM
https://newsthump.com/2019/04/11/tv-fans-delighted-as-brexit-renewed-for-another-season/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork&fbclid=IwAR1S5VmOyoUjbyQjsWjlrjN2XY_KNfAZyE0pkMcb-hZAISv3Gyh1bHfBAjs
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 15, 2019, 10:18:03 PM: Marcel: "Zut, I dropped my Gauloise"
Pierre: Shrugs: "We can look for it after lunch"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2019, 10:19:48 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 15, 2019, 10:18:03 PM
Marcel: "Zut, I dropped my Gauloise"
Pierre: Shrugs: "We can look for it after lunch"

;D

rubschin:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 16, 2019, 05:16:56 AM: A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2019, 06:00:49 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 15, 2019, 08:39:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 15, 2019, 08:30:04 PM
https://newsthump.com/2019/04/11/tv-fans-delighted-as-brexit-renewed-for-another-season/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork&fbclid=IwAR1S5VmOyoUjbyQjsWjlrjN2XY_KNfAZyE0pkMcb-hZAISv3Gyh1bHfBAjs
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2019, 06:02:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2019, 05:16:56 AM
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2019, 06:03:33 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 15, 2019, 10:18:03 PM
Marcel: "Zut, I dropped my Gauloise"
Pierre: Shrugs: "We can look for it after lunch"

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 16, 2019, 08:38:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 16, 2019, 06:02:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2019, 05:16:56 AM
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 16, 2019, 09:57:22 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 16, 2019, 08:38:36 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 16, 2019, 06:02:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2019, 05:16:56 AM
A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 16, 2019, 02:23:04 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z/57034631-2268180366563449-4585634898588467200-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 16, 2019, 03:20:53 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 16, 2019, 02:23:04 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z/57034631-2268180366563449-4585634898588467200-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2019, 03:21:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2019, 03:20:53 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 16, 2019, 02:23:04 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z/57034631-2268180366563449-4585634898588467200-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z)

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 16, 2019, 05:34:08 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 16, 2019, 03:21:43 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2019, 03:20:53 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 16, 2019, 02:23:04 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z/57034631-2268180366563449-4585634898588467200-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmBHFr2Z)

lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 18, 2019, 05:49:42 PM: A tourist stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, meaning testicles from the bull fight this morning - A delicacy!"

The man said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

Early the next morning, the Canadian returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are absolutely delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Senor, sometimes the bull wins."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 19, 2019, 02:34:46 PM: A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says...
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 19, 2019, 04:16:41 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2019, 10:26:14 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/jnC6sFqy/57852517-588491731657883-3942220665611878400-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnC6sFqy)

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2019, 12:11:30 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 18, 2019, 05:49:42 PM
A tourist stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, meaning testicles from the bull fight this morning - A delicacy!"

The man said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

Early the next morning, the Canadian returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are absolutely delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Senor, sometimes the bull wins."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2019, 12:11:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 19, 2019, 02:34:46 PM
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says...
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2019, 12:12:34 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2019, 10:26:14 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnC6sFqy/57852517-588491731657883-3942220665611878400-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnC6sFqy)

redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 23, 2019, 05:28:50 PM: A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord, "Feck me, that must be one clever dog." "Not really", said the landlord. "Every time he gets a good hand his bloody tail starts wagging!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2019, 04:30:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 23, 2019, 05:28:50 PM
A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord, "Feck me, that must be one clever dog." "Not really", said the landlord. "Every time he gets a good hand his bloody tail starts wagging!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:01:39 PM: Wish me luck in the London Marathon on Sunday. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try and beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:11:40 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/64XWM5hk/hit-by-bus.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/64XWM5hk)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 26, 2019, 11:12:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:11:40 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/64XWM5hk/hit-by-bus.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/64XWM5hk)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2019, 04:38:13 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:01:39 PM
Wish me luck in the London Marathon on Sunday. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try and beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2019, 04:38:29 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2019, 11:12:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:11:40 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/64XWM5hk/hit-by-bus.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/64XWM5hk)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 27, 2019, 01:29:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 27, 2019, 04:38:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2019, 11:12:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:11:40 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/64XWM5hk/hit-by-bus.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/64XWM5hk)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:33:51 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 27, 2019, 01:29:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 27, 2019, 04:38:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 26, 2019, 11:12:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:11:40 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/64XWM5hk/hit-by-bus.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/64XWM5hk)

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:34:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 27, 2019, 04:38:13 AM
Quote from: Just One More on April 26, 2019, 11:01:39 PM
Wish me luck in the London Marathon on Sunday. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try and beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:34:41 PM: A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2019, 02:36:08 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:34:41 PM
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:36:27 PM: Paddy takes his new Wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies spreadeagled on the bed and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah", says Paddy, "the whole fecking bed by the looks of it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2019, 02:37:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:36:27 PM
Paddy takes his new Wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies spreadeagled on the bed and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah", says Paddy, "the whole fecking bed by the looks of it."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:40:02 PM: I was on the phone telling my Brother the Wife has crashed my new Jaguar.
"Oh no", he says, "is she hurt."
"Not yet," I replied, "she locked herself in the bathroom."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2019, 02:41:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 28, 2019, 02:40:02 PM
I was on the phone telling my Brother the Wife has crashed my new Jaguar.
"Oh no", he says, "is she hurt."
"Not yet," I replied, "she locked herself in the bathroom."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2019, 02:07:10 PM: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2019, 02:38:29 PM: "Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????

Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages"......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2019, 02:39:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2019, 02:38:29 PM
"Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????

Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages"......... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

'Neighbour'.... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2019, 03:30:11 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 29, 2019, 02:39:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 29, 2019, 02:38:29 PM
"Ok Debbie..what is your sentence with contagious in it????

Debbie..."Our neighbor is painting her house with a 2 inch paintbrush...my dad says it'll take the cunt ages"......... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 02, 2019, 03:21:11 PM: Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...
"Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make. ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2019, 03:31:08 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2019, 03:21:11 PM
Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...
"Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make. ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 06, 2019, 02:59:31 PM: A Psychiatrist draws a triangle, "Now tell me, what's that?"
"A naked woman," replies the patient.
Psychiatrist draws a line, "Now tell me what you see.""A naked man," replies the patient.
Psychiatrist draws a load of circles, "Now what's that?""An orgy," replies the patient.
"I can conclude sir, that you are a sex maniac."
"Me? You're the one who's drawing all the dirty pictures."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2019, 03:01:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2019, 02:59:31 PM
A Psychiatrist draws a triangle, "Now tell me, what's that?"
"A naked woman," replies the patient.
Psychiatrist draws a line, "Now tell me what you see.""A naked man," replies the patient.
Psychiatrist draws a load of circles, "Now what's that?""An orgy," replies the patient.
"I can conclude sir, that you are a sex maniac."
"Me? You're the one who's drawing all the dirty pictures."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 06, 2019, 09:43:56 PM: I'm so fed up of your macho image, why don't you show me your feminine side for once?" Moaned my wife.
"OK, give me a minute, " I said, "right, " I then shouted, "I'm in the kitchen, can you come and open this fucking jar of pickles for me?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 06, 2019, 10:40:10 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 06, 2019, 09:43:56 PM
I'm so fed up of your macho image, why don't you show me your feminine side for once?" Moaned my wife.
"OK, give me a minute, " I said, "right, " I then shouted, "I'm in the kitchen, can you come and open this fucking jar of pickles for me?"

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 06, 2019, 11:09:18 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2019, 10:40:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 06, 2019, 09:43:56 PM
I'm so fed up of your macho image, why don't you show me your feminine side for once?" Moaned my wife.
"OK, give me a minute, " I said, "right, " I then shouted, "I'm in the kitchen, can you come and open this fucking jar of pickles for me?"

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 07, 2019, 03:45:32 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2019, 11:09:18 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2019, 10:40:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 06, 2019, 09:43:56 PM
I'm so fed up of your macho image, why don't you show me your feminine side for once?" Moaned my wife.
"OK, give me a minute, " I said, "right, " I then shouted, "I'm in the kitchen, can you come and open this fucking jar of pickles for me?"

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 07, 2019, 11:10:37 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 07, 2019, 03:45:32 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2019, 11:09:18 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 06, 2019, 10:40:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 06, 2019, 09:43:56 PM
I'm so fed up of your macho image, why don't you show me your feminine side for once?" Moaned my wife.
"OK, give me a minute, " I said, "right, " I then shouted, "I'm in the kitchen, can you come and open this fucking jar of pickles for me?"

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 07, 2019, 10:23:18 PM: WIFE= Honey can you help me clean the garden?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a gardener?
Wife=Sorry Honey, could you help fix the bathroom door?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a carpenter?

The husband then decides to go for a drink. When he returns, the garden is cleaned and the bathroom door was fixed.

HUSBAND= I knew you could do all that by yourself.
WIFE= I didn't do it.
HUSBAND= Who then?
WIFE John, the next door neighbour.
HUSBAND= How much did you pay him?
WIFE=No money, he just gave me two options, Sex Or Bread.
HUSBAND= I hope you gave him bread!
WIFE= Do I look like a baker?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 07, 2019, 11:31:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 07, 2019, 10:23:18 PM
WIFE= Honey can you help me clean the garden?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a gardener?
Wife=Sorry Honey, could you help fix the bathroom door?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a carpenter?

The husband then decides to go for a drink. When he returns, the garden is cleaned and the bathroom door was fixed.

HUSBAND= I knew you could do all that by yourself.
WIFE= I didn't do it.
HUSBAND= Who then?
WIFE John, the next door neighbour.
HUSBAND= How much did you pay him?
WIFE=No money, he just gave me two options, Sex Or Bread.
HUSBAND= I hope you gave him bread!
WIFE= Do I look like a baker?

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 08, 2019, 03:42:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 07, 2019, 11:31:28 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 07, 2019, 10:23:18 PM
WIFE= Honey can you help me clean the garden?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a gardener?
Wife=Sorry Honey, could you help fix the bathroom door?
HUSBAND= Do I look like a carpenter?

The husband then decides to go for a drink. When he returns, the garden is cleaned and the bathroom door was fixed.

HUSBAND= I knew you could do all that by yourself.
WIFE= I didn't do it.
HUSBAND= Who then?
WIFE John, the next door neighbour.
HUSBAND= How much did you pay him?
WIFE=No money, he just gave me two options, Sex Or Bread.
HUSBAND= I hope you gave him bread!
WIFE= Do I look like a baker?

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 08, 2019, 02:22:50 PM: A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.....unannounced at 7.30 after work.
His wife starts screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens in.
WIFE= "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why the hell did you bring him home?"
HUSBAND= "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 08, 2019, 02:30:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 08, 2019, 02:22:50 PM
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.....unannounced at 7.30 after work.
His wife starts screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens in.
WIFE= "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why the hell did you bring him home?"
HUSBAND= "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 08, 2019, 02:47:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 08, 2019, 02:30:15 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 08, 2019, 02:22:50 PM
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.....unannounced at 7.30 after work.
His wife starts screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens in.
WIFE= "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why the hell did you bring him home?"
HUSBAND= "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

;D ;D

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 08, 2019, 03:23:00 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 08, 2019, 02:47:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 08, 2019, 02:30:15 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 08, 2019, 02:22:50 PM
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.....unannounced at 7.30 after work.
His wife starts screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens in.
WIFE= "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why the hell did you bring him home?"
HUSBAND= "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

;D ;D

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 10:40:32 AM: I bumped into an old mate earlier...I asked him what he is up to these days ?????

"I cook meals for the homeless,drug addicts and people with addiction to drinking and gambling and that sort of thing"

" Charity work ???? "

No Weatherspoons ........ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2019, 11:14:15 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 10:40:32 AM
I bumped into an old mate earlier...I asked him what he is up to these days ?????

"I cook meals for the homeless,drug addicts and people with addiction to drinking and gambling and that sort of thing"

" Charity work ???? "

No Weatherspoons ........ redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:14:44 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 11:14:15 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 10:40:32 AM
I bumped into an old mate earlier...I asked him what he is up to these days ?????

"I cook meals for the homeless,drug addicts and people with addiction to drinking and gambling and that sort of thing"

" Charity work ???? "

No Weatherspoons ........ redface:

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM: So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:12:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM
So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 12:17:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:12:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM
So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser

noooo:

noooo: Sad people .........

(BTW where's my comission rubschin: )..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:23:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 12:17:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:12:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM
So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser

noooo:

noooo: Sad people .........

(BTW where's my comission rubschin: )..

You owe us that for us having to change the spelling... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 12:39:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:23:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 12:17:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:12:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM
So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser

noooo:

noooo: Sad people .........

(BTW where's my comission rubschin: )..

You owe us that for us having to change the spelling... ::)

You Too........ cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2019, 01:05:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2019, 12:17:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2019, 12:12:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2019, 11:42:28 AM
So I just posted that joke on another forum and guess what some arsehole replied?

"Just one problem Wetherspoons stopped doing Sunday roast dinners some time ago."

What a loser

noooo:

noooo: Sad people .........

(BTW where's my comission rubschin: )..
in your dreams
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 10, 2019, 10:13:58 AM: Paddy buys two six packs of beer. He placed them on the front seat of his car and headed home but stopped off at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over & knocked on his passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?

Paddy thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2019, 10:54:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 10, 2019, 10:13:58 AM
Paddy buys two six packs of beer. He placed them on the front seat of his car and headed home but stopped off at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over & knocked on his passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?

Paddy thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 10, 2019, 11:55:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 10, 2019, 10:13:58 AM
Paddy buys two six packs of beer. He placed them on the front seat of his car and headed home but stopped off at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over & knocked on his passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?

Paddy thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM: We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 13, 2019, 11:36:41 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM
We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 03:17:57 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 13, 2019, 11:36:41 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM
We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:

tunble:

A joke so bad that not even Apey would use it... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2019, 03:20:36 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 03:17:57 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 13, 2019, 11:36:41 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM
We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:

tunble:

A joke so bad that not even Apey would use it... noooo:

evil:

Well it made I larf...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 14, 2019, 04:33:00 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2019, 03:20:36 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 03:17:57 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 13, 2019, 11:36:41 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM
We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:

tunble:

A joke so bad that not even Apey would use it... noooo:

evil:

Well it made I larf...
QED
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2019, 04:35:01 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 14, 2019, 04:33:00 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2019, 03:20:36 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 03:17:57 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 13, 2019, 11:36:41 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 13, 2019, 06:29:05 PM
We're getting a Karen Carpenter tribute act at the village amphitheatre next month! :thumbsup:

Apparently this bird is so like her she loses weight throughout the act.... redface:

tunble:

A joke so bad that not even Apey would use it... noooo:

evil:

Well it made I larf...
QED

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:04:53 PM: if it made you larf how come you posted tunble:

confuddling
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2019, 06:06:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:04:53 PM
if it made you larf how come you posted tunble:

confuddling

Read it again Steve... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:14:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2019, 06:06:50 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:04:53 PM
if it made you larf how come you posted tunble:

confuddling

Read it again Steve... ;)
doh: redface:

I am losing the plot
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 11:39:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:14:13 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2019, 06:06:50 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:04:53 PM
if it made you larf how come you posted tunble:

confuddling

Read it again Steve... ;)
doh: redface:

I am losing the plot

How can you lose something you never had to begin with? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2019, 06:26:40 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf/60179933-2708032259271131-5528171557664325632-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2019, 09:08:16 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on May 14, 2019, 11:39:21 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:14:13 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2019, 06:06:50 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 14, 2019, 06:04:53 PM
if it made you larf how come you posted tunble:

confuddling

Read it again Steve... ;)
doh: redface:

I am losing the plot

How can you lose something you never had to begin with? rubschin:
evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2019, 09:08:51 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2019, 06:26:40 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf/60179933-2708032259271131-5528171557664325632-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 15, 2019, 11:47:20 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2019, 06:26:40 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf/60179933-2708032259271131-5528171557664325632-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2019, 03:13:18 PM: Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you .......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 15, 2019, 03:38:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2019, 11:47:20 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2019, 06:26:40 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf/60179933-2708032259271131-5528171557664325632-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z3hVF5qf)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2019, 10:24:30 PM: An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?"
"Sounds great, I'll have the same," says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke."
The emu says, "Sounds great, I'll have the same."
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man..
"Same for me," says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?"
"Well, love" says the truckie, "A few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?"
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2019, 05:17:15 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 15, 2019, 10:24:30 PM
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?"
"Sounds great, I'll have the same," says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke."
The emu says, "Sounds great, I'll have the same."
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man..
"Same for me," says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?"
"Well, love" says the truckie, "A few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?"
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 18, 2019, 06:23:20 AM: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3 (https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2019, 06:49:49 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 18, 2019, 06:23:20 AM
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3 (https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 18, 2019, 08:58:12 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 18, 2019, 06:49:49 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 18, 2019, 06:23:20 AM
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3 (https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/customer-reviews/RDKHK7J88SUL3/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B004FTGJUW&fbclid=IwAR3SSN5fGDm5FoSyLk4FnCDWYefo_vyYGqXIeNjeDjaAzUh51aCHnj7TbCw#RDKHK7J88SUL3)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 24, 2019, 10:33:33 PM: "Diana!" I said, greeting my Mother-in-Law as she walked through the door.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah I know."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2019, 03:14:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2019, 10:33:33 PM
"Diana!" I said, greeting my Mother-in-Law as she walked through the door.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah I know."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 25, 2019, 06:38:56 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 25, 2019, 03:14:03 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2019, 10:33:33 PM
"Diana!" I said, greeting my Mother-in-Law as she walked through the door.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah I know."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 25, 2019, 12:05:13 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 25, 2019, 06:38:56 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 25, 2019, 03:14:03 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 24, 2019, 10:33:33 PM
"Diana!" I said, greeting my Mother-in-Law as she walked through the door.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah I know."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 26, 2019, 11:04:44 AM: A little Yorkshire couple had been married for years, but the little old lady dies. The husband goes to a stone mason after the funeral and orders a headstone and says to the mason " I want on the stone Sacred to the memory etc. etc and ending in the words She were Thine." The mason says "No trouble come back next week I'll have it done".The following Tuesday he called round to see how the mason was getting on. It was finished, but the final words were "She were thin. "Oh no" said the husband "you've left the e off." "Don't worry" said the mason, "give us an hour and I'll put it right back." He goes back an hour later and the mason had altered it to, E she were thin.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2019, 11:07:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 26, 2019, 11:04:44 AM
A little Yorkshire couple had been married for years, but the little old lady dies. The husband goes to a stone mason after the funeral and orders a headstone and says to the mason " I want on the stone Sacred to the memory etc. etc and ending in the words She were Thine." The mason says "No trouble come back next week I'll have it done".The following Tuesday he called round to see how the mason was getting on. It was finished, but the final words were "She were thin. "Oh no" said the husband "you've left the e off." "Don't worry" said the mason, "give us an hour and I'll put it right back." He goes back an hour later and the mason had altered it to, E she were thin.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2019, 04:58:32 PM: Mary had a little skirt.
It split right up the sides,
and everywhere that Mary went,
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt,
it split right up the front,
She never wore that one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2019, 06:07:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 27, 2019, 04:58:32 PM
Mary had a little skirt.
It split right up the sides,
and everywhere that Mary went,
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt,
it split right up the front,
She never wore that one.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2019, 06:18:35 PM: While on a road trip up north, an elderly couple, stopped at the sevices for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip to Scotland.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance on the motorway before they could find a exit to turn around, in order to return to the services to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the services. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card as well!!..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 29, 2019, 06:55:37 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 29, 2019, 06:18:35 PM
While on a road trip up north, an elderly couple, stopped at the sevices for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip to Scotland.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance on the motorway before they could find a exit to turn around, in order to return to the services to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the services. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card as well!!..

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 04, 2019, 03:47:58 PM: The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 04, 2019, 03:51:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 04, 2019, 03:47:58 PM
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 06, 2019, 08:34:23 AM: My wife just phoned me all hysterical and said "The engine has flooded on the car, it wont start." I laughed and said "Don't worry darling, it's not the engine, it's the carburetor, it sounds like you have been pumping the accelerator on the car before trying to start it up, tell me where the car is and I will come and fix it."
"In the lake behind Tesco's," she replied!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2019, 08:39:26 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2019, 08:34:23 AM
My wife just phoned me all hysterical and said "The engine has flooded on the car, it wont start." I laughed and said "Don't worry darling, it's not the engine, it's the carburetor, it sounds like you have been pumping the accelerator on the car before trying to start it up, tell me where the car is and I will come and fix it."
"In the lake behind Tesco's," she replied!

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 08, 2019, 08:14:14 AM: The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 08, 2019, 08:16:07 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 08, 2019, 08:27:10 AM: Quote from: Nick on June 08, 2019, 08:16:07 AM
redface:

Me too redface: redface: (it's a bloody good way of remembering though :thumbsup: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 08, 2019, 08:38:56 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 08, 2019, 08:14:14 AM
The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 08, 2019, 06:51:12 PM: Paddy is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed, "If you open a parking space for me, I swear I will give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on a empty parking space.
Without hesitation, Paddy says,
"Never mind I found one."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 11, 2019, 02:23:52 PM: A truck loaded with Vick Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway this morning.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 11, 2019, 03:34:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 11, 2019, 02:23:52 PM
A truck loaded with Vick Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway this morning.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 12, 2019, 09:14:09 PM: This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....

Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....

I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!.. eeek:

.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2019, 03:03:11 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 12, 2019, 09:14:09 PM
This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....

Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....

I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!.. eeek:

.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2019, 07:59:23 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 13, 2019, 03:03:11 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 12, 2019, 09:14:09 PM
This morning I was asked by a group of teenagers outside Tescos if I would get them 20 Richmonds....

Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.....

I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse!!!.. eeek:

.So I told them next time get your own bleeding sausages......... !!!......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2019, 05:39:43 PM: Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
"King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2019, 05:43:26 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2019, 05:39:43 PM
Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
"King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 13, 2019, 10:16:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 13, 2019, 05:43:26 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2019, 05:39:43 PM
Went to Bosworth battlefield today.
There’s a plaque in the ground there that says,
"King Richard III fell here".

I’m not surprised. I nearly tripped over it myself.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 14, 2019, 04:50:24 PM: Sometimes when you cry nobody sees your tears...

Sometimes when you're hurt nobody sees your pain...

Sometimes when you're sad nobody sees your sorrow...

BUT FART JUST ONE TIME.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2019, 07:12:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 14, 2019, 04:50:24 PM
Sometimes when you cry nobody sees your tears...

Sometimes when you're hurt nobody sees your pain...

Sometimes when you're sad nobody sees your sorrow...

BUT FART JUST ONE TIME.

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2019, 11:35:17 AM: A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2019, 11:37:20 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2019, 11:35:17 AM
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 18, 2019, 09:07:08 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2019, 11:37:20 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2019, 11:35:17 AM
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2019, 07:48:55 PM: The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits it out or swallows it.

Seemed a reasonable question considering we both work as wine tasters!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 18, 2019, 08:24:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2019, 07:48:55 PM
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits it out or swallows it.

Seemed a reasonable question considering we both work as wine tasters!!

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2019, 06:48:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2019, 07:48:55 PM
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits it out or swallows it.

Seemed a reasonable question considering we both work as wine tasters!!

tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 19, 2019, 03:02:30 PM: Bought the mother-in-law a Jack Daniels T-shirt having told me she is fond of spirits.... Thumbs:

She said " I am a medium "...... cussing:

F88king liar.... noooo: XXL fits her perfect......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2019, 03:19:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 19, 2019, 03:02:30 PM
Bought the mother-in-law a Jack Daniels T-shirt having told me she is fond of spirits.... Thumbs:

She said " I am a medium "...... cussing:

F88king liar.... noooo: XXL fits her perfect......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 19, 2019, 10:02:09 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM/worse-off.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 19, 2019, 10:22:04 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 19, 2019, 10:02:09 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM/worse-off.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM)
lol: lol: lol:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 20, 2019, 12:17:15 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 19, 2019, 10:02:09 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM/worse-off.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM)

;D ;D ;D

Stealing that....... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 20, 2019, 03:37:44 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 19, 2019, 10:22:04 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 19, 2019, 10:02:09 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM/worse-off.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8FwNHSKM)
lol: lol: lol:

redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2019, 06:00:38 PM: for BM?

Quote
The Doctor suggested I should do squats to help my back.

So I've moved all the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 20, 2019, 06:39:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 20, 2019, 06:00:38 PM
for BM?

Quote
The Doctor suggested I should do squats to help my back.

So I've moved all the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge.

lol: lol: lol:

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2019, 05:20:02 AM: I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 21, 2019, 05:34:24 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2019, 05:20:02 AM
I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 21, 2019, 08:46:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 21, 2019, 05:34:24 AM
Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2019, 05:20:02 AM
I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 21, 2019, 09:20:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 21, 2019, 08:46:38 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 21, 2019, 05:34:24 AM
Quote from: Just One More on June 21, 2019, 05:20:02 AM
I was in a cafe yesterday and there was a huge row between two of the waitresses about how long to leave the teabags in the pot. It got so bad it ended up with them fighting

I asked the manager what had happened, he told me it had been brewing for ages

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 24, 2019, 11:23:38 AM: Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband: EErrgh, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 24, 2019, 12:22:22 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2019, 12:48:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 24, 2019, 11:23:38 AM
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband: EErrgh, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep

AFFS!

Or similar anyways... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 24, 2019, 07:24:28 PM: So now we know

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D9z_y-MXkAMj83N.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 25, 2019, 06:46:05 PM: I was at the Chemist this morning.

"Sir", the Chemist said, "Please understand, to buy a anti-depressant pill, you need a prescription,...simply showing your marriage certificate and a picture of your wife is not enough.........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 26, 2019, 08:07:35 PM: IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 27, 2019, 12:29:27 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 26, 2019, 08:07:35 PM
IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 27, 2019, 03:13:44 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 27, 2019, 12:29:27 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 26, 2019, 08:07:35 PM
IRELAND DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still On! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

;D ;D

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 27, 2019, 09:11:54 PM: Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her sodding knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''

"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure her fekkin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 28, 2019, 03:45:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 27, 2019, 09:11:54 PM
Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her sodding knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''

"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure her fekkin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2019, 03:49:11 PM: I just had the police at my door, they showed me a picture and asked if this is your wife.
I said yes and they said they were sorry but it looks like she has been hit by a bus.
I said I know but she’s good with the kids.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 29, 2019, 03:53:51 PM: See also Tommy Cooper
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 29, 2019, 03:57:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2019, 03:49:11 PM
I just had the police at my door, they showed me a picture and asked if this is your wife.
I said yes and they said they were sorry but it looks like she has been hit by a bus.
I said I know but she’s good with the kids.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2019, 05:07:05 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 29, 2019, 03:53:51 PM
See also Tommy Cooper
if he posted it here then you can say Affs
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 29, 2019, 11:16:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2019, 05:07:05 PM
Quote from: Nick on June 29, 2019, 03:53:51 PM
See also Tommy Cooper
if he posted it here then you can say Affs

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on July 03, 2019, 02:59:27 PM: Ha!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190703/9e0b35ff9213bea774d21605eaf94679.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 03, 2019, 03:03:42 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 03, 2019, 02:59:27 PM
Ha!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190703/9e0b35ff9213bea774d21605eaf94679.jpg)

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 03, 2019, 03:41:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 03, 2019, 03:03:42 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Youngs) on July 03, 2019, 02:59:27 PM
Ha!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190703/9e0b35ff9213bea774d21605eaf94679.jpg)

lol: lol: lol: redface:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 03, 2019, 07:58:43 PM: DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship --
all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Ladies Bowls Club – ‘The Late Bloomers’ decided on this
"all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
----------------------------- --------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won £800 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar
and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful
to my husband.
------------------------------ --------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at the
piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me,
bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit
his cabin for the night. Again, I declined.
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...
I was shocked
. ------------------------------ --------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice ...... ..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2019, 04:18:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 03, 2019, 07:58:43 PM
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship --
all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Ladies Bowls Club – ‘The Late Bloomers’ decided on this
"all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
----------------------------- --------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won £800 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar
and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful
to my husband.
------------------------------ --------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at the
piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me,
bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit
his cabin for the night. Again, I declined.
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...
I was shocked
. ------------------------------ --------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice ...... ..

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2019, 01:39:30 PM: I called my mate last night for a drink. He said he was working on a special project,
Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.

Boy was I impressed,

but he told me later he was doing the washing up in warm water under the supervision of his wife.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 08, 2019, 01:40:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2019, 01:39:30 PM
I called my mate last night for a drink. He said he was working on a special project,
Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.

Boy was I impressed,

but he told me later he was doing the washing up in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 09, 2019, 04:46:42 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 08, 2019, 01:40:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2019, 01:39:30 PM
I called my mate last night for a drink. He said he was working on a special project,
Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.

Boy was I impressed,

but he told me later he was doing the washing up in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 09, 2019, 12:24:35 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 09, 2019, 04:46:42 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 08, 2019, 01:40:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2019, 01:39:30 PM
I called my mate last night for a drink. He said he was working on a special project,
Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.

Boy was I impressed,

but he told me later he was doing the washing up in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

;D

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 12, 2019, 05:20:44 PM: My uncle just text me and asked me. What does IDK mean?
I said, "I don't know."
He said,
"Nobody seems to know!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 12, 2019, 06:21:23 PM: Reminds me of "Who's on first"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 12, 2019, 08:37:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 12, 2019, 05:20:44 PM
My uncle just text me and asked me. What does IDK mean?
I said, "I don't know."
He said,
"Nobody seems to know!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 12, 2019, 08:39:36 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 12, 2019, 06:21:23 PM
Reminds me of "Who's on first"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 13, 2019, 09:50:48 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL/silver-wedding-trip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2019, 09:55:13 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 13, 2019, 09:50:48 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL/silver-wedding-trip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2019, 09:55:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 13, 2019, 09:55:13 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 13, 2019, 09:50:48 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL/silver-wedding-trip.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/cKkC3LkL)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2019, 10:20:53 AM: My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house?
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2019, 10:28:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 13, 2019, 10:20:53 AM
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house?
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

lol: lol: lol:

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2019, 09:05:56 AM: Have you ever wanted to go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Tried to put it in my Satnav.... and decided to go to Rhyl instead?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 14, 2019, 09:19:42 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 13, 2019, 10:28:29 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 13, 2019, 10:20:53 AM
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house?
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.
Robovac laughed evilly

lol: lol: lol:

scared2:

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2019, 09:35:05 AM: The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?" I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2019, 09:36:32 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2019, 09:05:56 AM
Have you ever wanted to go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Tried to put it in my Satnav.... and decided to go to Rhyl instead?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2019, 10:03:49 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 14, 2019, 09:35:05 AM
The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?" I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2019, 10:12:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2019, 10:03:49 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 14, 2019, 09:35:05 AM
The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?" I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 02:30:33 PM: Just walked past the local mosque ..there's loads of shoes outside ....... rubschin:

I am f99king sure there's a bouncy castle in there ........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2019, 02:37:49 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/HVQxT7m7/fart-trombone.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HVQxT7m7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2019, 02:39:23 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 14, 2019, 02:37:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/HVQxT7m7/fart-trombone.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HVQxT7m7)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2019, 02:40:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 02:30:33 PM
Just walked past the local mosque ..there's loads of shoes outside ....... rubschin:

I am f99king sure there's a bouncy castle in there ........ Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 04:19:19 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh/66622764-10157675006546111-300470032217931776-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh)

Lethal Weapon 5 looks shit ........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 14, 2019, 04:32:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 14, 2019, 02:40:17 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 02:30:33 PM
Just walked past the local mosque ..there's loads of shoes outside ....... rubschin:

I am f99king sure there's a bouncy castle in there ........ Thumbs:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 14, 2019, 04:33:30 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 04:19:19 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh/66622764-10157675006546111-300470032217931776-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh)

Lethal Weapon 5 looks shit ........ noooo:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 14, 2019, 04:47:54 PM: https://vimeo.com/283451714 (https://vimeo.com/283451714)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2019, 03:55:51 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 14, 2019, 04:33:30 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 14, 2019, 04:19:19 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh/66622764-10157675006546111-300470032217931776-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hj7Pvbxh)

Lethal Weapon 5 looks shit ........ noooo:
happy001

happy001 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 15, 2019, 10:52:13 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/rRDcqKx0/best-friend-affair-wife.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rRDcqKx0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 16, 2019, 03:54:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 15, 2019, 10:52:13 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/rRDcqKx0/best-friend-affair-wife.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rRDcqKx0)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 17, 2019, 04:59:09 PM: I was unbelievably excited when I took delivery of our 65 inch, 4D Smart T.V.
And as I hugged and drooled over it on its stand, my partner let out a derisory huff..
"Look at the state of you, you're pathetic." She snarled.
"Fawning over a T.V, why can't you manage that sort of affection for me?"
"Because I can get my arms around the telly."
That's when the fight started.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 17, 2019, 05:54:00 PM: Just been reading about a massive 70s music revival festival that was to be jointly hosted by Devon and Cornwall County councils.
Its sadly been cancelled as they can't agree whether The Jam or Cream should go on first.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 17, 2019, 06:21:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 17, 2019, 05:54:00 PM
Just been reading about a massive 70s music revival festival that was to be jointly hosted by Devon and Cornwall County councils.
Its sadly been cancelled as they can't agree whether The Jam or Cream should go on first.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 17, 2019, 07:02:09 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 17, 2019, 06:21:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 17, 2019, 05:54:00 PM
Just been reading about a massive 70s music revival festival that was to be jointly hosted by Devon and Cornwall County councils.
Its sadly been cancelled as they can't agree whether The Jam or Cream should go on first.
drumroll:

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 17, 2019, 07:19:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 17, 2019, 07:02:09 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 17, 2019, 06:21:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 17, 2019, 05:54:00 PM
Just been reading about a massive 70s music revival festival that was to be jointly hosted by Devon and Cornwall County councils.
Its sadly been cancelled as they can't agree whether The Jam or Cream should go on first.
drumroll:

;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 18, 2019, 02:57:49 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN/65013714-1456716191135213-6372798153690710016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 18, 2019, 02:59:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2019, 02:57:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN/65013714-1456716191135213-6372798153690710016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 18, 2019, 04:33:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2019, 02:59:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2019, 02:57:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN/65013714-1456716191135213-6372798153690710016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN)

lol: lol: lol:

<groan>
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 18, 2019, 08:21:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2019, 02:59:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2019, 02:57:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN/65013714-1456716191135213-6372798153690710016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 19, 2019, 08:33:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2019, 08:21:24 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2019, 02:59:05 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2019, 02:57:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN/65013714-1456716191135213-6372798153690710016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/y3CJw8pN)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 19, 2019, 11:55:23 PM: My English teacher said to me ...."Your grammar is shit "

So I replied "Your Grandad is a C&&T ..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 20, 2019, 03:20:30 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 19, 2019, 11:55:23 PM
My English teacher said to me ...."Your grammar is shit "

So I replied "Your Grandad is a C&&T ..."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2019, 07:25:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 20, 2019, 03:20:30 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 19, 2019, 11:55:23 PM
My English teacher said to me ...."Your grammar is shit "

So I replied "Your Grandad is a C&&T ..."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 20, 2019, 09:37:07 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2019, 07:25:58 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 20, 2019, 03:20:30 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 19, 2019, 11:55:23 PM
My English teacher said to me ...."Your grammar is shit "

So I replied "Your Grandad is a C&&T ..."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 21, 2019, 09:41:21 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/K3c47hj2/67087876-2770967516258095-7423121196062867456-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/K3c47hj2)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 25, 2019, 08:46:56 PM: A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 25, 2019, 11:27:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 25, 2019, 08:46:56 PM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 26, 2019, 08:31:27 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 25, 2019, 11:27:54 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 25, 2019, 08:46:56 PM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 26, 2019, 09:19:55 AM: I was telling my mate "I've had it with the wife... she's out every night till the early hours, just going from bar to bar."...

"Oh,..Why is she doing that?" He said

I replied "Looking for me, I suppose."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 26, 2019, 09:21:51 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 26, 2019, 09:19:55 AM
I was telling my mate "I've had it with the wife... she's out every night till the early hours, just going from bar to bar."...

"Oh,..Why is she doing that?" He said

I replied "Looking for me, I suppose."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2019, 05:27:51 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2019, 05:56:59 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 28, 2019, 05:27:51 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 28, 2019, 08:29:24 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 28, 2019, 05:27:51 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9TZioZzBU)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! whistle:

http://youtu.be/abkGXxUs-mw (http://youtu.be/abkGXxUs-mw)

https://www.foxnews.com/sports/finland-heavy-metal-knitting-world-championship (https://www.foxnews.com/sports/finland-heavy-metal-knitting-world-championship)
[/quote]

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 30, 2019, 04:43:02 AM: I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH/greggs.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 30, 2019, 07:51:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 30, 2019, 04:43:02 AM
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH/greggs.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH)
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 30, 2019, 08:00:27 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 30, 2019, 07:51:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 30, 2019, 04:43:02 AM
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH/greggs.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH)
drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 30, 2019, 09:25:33 PM: https://thenewsdump.co.uk/should-bellend-be-hyphenated-or-not-staff-ask-jacob-rees-mogg?fbclid=IwAR2GcpU-mht7hkRvgKzblZmTcjJjmArx6j5-iC6jF0zu5cpyFv-yJzCTSuo
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 31, 2019, 03:27:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 30, 2019, 09:25:33 PM
https://thenewsdump.co.uk/should-bellend-be-hyphenated-or-not-staff-ask-jacob-rees-mogg?fbclid=IwAR2GcpU-mht7hkRvgKzblZmTcjJjmArx6j5-iC6jF0zu5cpyFv-yJzCTSuo

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 31, 2019, 03:28:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 30, 2019, 08:00:27 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 30, 2019, 07:51:18 AM
Quote from: Just One More on July 30, 2019, 04:43:02 AM
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.

(https://i.postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH/greggs.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/QVpqTJCH)
drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 31, 2019, 06:14:53 PM: An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman take seats together at a bar, and each ordered a pint of ale. Just as they were served, the door opened and a small swarm of flies entered. A fly landed in the foam of all three ales.

The Englishman slid his glass back to the bartender and requested a new one. The Irishman flicked the fly off the foam with his finger and began drinking. The Scotsman picked-up the fly by the wings, held it over his glass and said, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 31, 2019, 06:38:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 31, 2019, 06:14:53 PM
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman take seats together at a bar, and each ordered a pint of ale. Just as they were served, the door opened and a small swarm of flies entered. A fly landed in the foam of all three ales.

The Englishman slid his glass back to the bartender and requested a new one. The Irishman flicked the fly off the foam with his finger and began drinking. The Scotsman picked-up the fly by the wings, held it over his glass and said, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2019, 09:50:35 PM: I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.

All I said was, "hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 01, 2019, 10:00:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 01, 2019, 09:50:35 PM
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.

All I said was, "hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!"

AFFS ......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 02, 2019, 09:06:04 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2019, 01:04:49 PM: A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in York to repair a leaky pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

(the above has been certified Affs free by the VP search engine)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2019, 01:06:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 03, 2019, 01:04:49 PM
A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in York to repair a leaky pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

(the above has been certified Affs free by the VP search engine)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 03, 2019, 07:50:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 03, 2019, 01:06:48 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 03, 2019, 01:04:49 PM
A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in York to repair a leaky pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

(the above has been certified Affs free by the VP search engine)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2019, 12:41:45 PM: (search engine says not Affs, really?)

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the
young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM: I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2019, 03:28:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 04:38:43 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 03:28:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP

lol: lol: lol:

His Typing would be worse than Nick's ..... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 05, 2019, 08:06:12 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

Not only an Affs, but an Affs of an Affs ;)

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg650540#msg650540
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2019, 08:42:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 05, 2019, 08:06:12 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

Not only an Affs, but an Affs of an Affs ;)

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg650540#msg650540
I blame BM, his search engine is shite
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 05, 2019, 09:53:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 04:38:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 03:28:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP

lol: lol: lol:

His Typing would be worse than Nick's ..... whistle:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 09:54:52 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 05, 2019, 09:53:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 04:38:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 03:28:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP

lol: lol: lol:

His Typing would be worse than Nick's ..... whistle:
drumroll:

I can rely on you ......... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 05, 2019, 09:55:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 09:54:52 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 05, 2019, 09:53:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 05, 2019, 04:38:43 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 03:28:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2019, 03:26:09 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 05, 2019, 01:08:45 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 05, 2019, 01:01:09 PM
I'm sure that's an AFFS but still smile: smile:

I think it was a Dave Allen joke... lol:
Well he should have posted it up here then

Dave Allen cry: RIP

lol: lol: lol:

His Typing would be worse than Nick's ..... whistle:
drumroll:

I can rely on you ......... cloud9:
cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 10, 2019, 11:54:39 AM: "IT'S A BOY."
I shouted with tears running down my face.
"I don't believe it,
a boy."
It was at that moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 10, 2019, 01:16:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 10, 2019, 11:54:39 AM
"IT'S A BOY."
I shouted with tears running down my face.
"I don't believe it,
a boy."
It was at that moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

Was that a joke or an excerpt from Nick's memoirs... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 10, 2019, 02:05:59 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on August 10, 2019, 01:16:15 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 10, 2019, 11:54:39 AM
"IT'S A BOY."
I shouted with tears running down my face.
"I don't believe it,
a boy."
It was at that moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

Was that a joke or an excerpt from Nick's memoirs... rubschin:
Who knows?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 10, 2019, 05:17:10 PM: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 11, 2019, 05:06:49 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 10, 2019, 05:17:10 PM
cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:

Memoirs for certain... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 13, 2019, 01:17:42 PM: A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"........

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"..............

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about 50 quid?".........

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage............

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"...........

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."..............

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked..........

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.".........

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50.00 and handed it to her along with a 10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 13, 2019, 01:38:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 13, 2019, 01:17:42 PM
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"........

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"..............

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about 50 quid?".........

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage............

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"...........

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."..............

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked..........

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.".........

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50.00 and handed it to her along with a 10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."...............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 13, 2019, 02:14:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 13, 2019, 01:38:24 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 13, 2019, 01:17:42 PM
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"........

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"..............

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about 50 quid?".........

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage............

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"...........

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."..............

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked..........

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.".........

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50.00 and handed it to her along with a 10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."...............

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 13, 2019, 04:48:54 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 13, 2019, 07:41:01 PM: One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 14, 2019, 03:57:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 13, 2019, 07:41:01 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 14, 2019, 09:46:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 14, 2019, 03:57:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 13, 2019, 07:41:01 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM: My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2019, 03:39:34 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM
My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 16, 2019, 03:44:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 16, 2019, 03:39:34 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM
My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 16, 2019, 08:57:41 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2019, 03:44:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 16, 2019, 03:39:34 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM
My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 16, 2019, 09:10:15 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2019, 08:57:41 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2019, 03:44:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 16, 2019, 03:39:34 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM
My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: I assume that Erasure is a popular beat combo with a number called Respect in their repertoire?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2019, 11:22:44 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 16, 2019, 09:10:15 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2019, 08:57:41 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2019, 03:44:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 16, 2019, 03:39:34 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 15, 2019, 10:35:40 PM
My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music......

"A little respect please!"............. They shouted................

I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!............ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: I assume that Erasure is a popular beat combo with a number called Respect in their repertoire?

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 20, 2019, 12:07:59 PM: (Affs? search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 20, 2019, 01:34:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2019, 12:07:59 PM
(Affs? search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 20, 2019, 03:01:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 20, 2019, 01:34:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2019, 12:07:59 PM
(Affs? search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 20, 2019, 07:38:34 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 20, 2019, 03:01:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 20, 2019, 01:34:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2019, 12:07:59 PM
(Affs? search engine says not)

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They’re not crazy about it in Iceland either.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 20, 2019, 09:25:59 PM: I thought the folks in Iceland were pretty free thinking. The Boy went there on a geography field trip and seemed to like it rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 20, 2019, 09:27:21 PM: Quote from: Nick on August 20, 2019, 09:25:59 PM
I thought the folks in Iceland were pretty free thinking. The Boy went there on a geography field trip and seemed to like it rubschin:

And That Katona bird too..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 22, 2019, 10:40:55 PM: SON...Why is my sister Teresa named Teresa??????????

DAD..Because your mum loves easter ..and Teresa in an anagram of Easter .... Thumbs:

SON..Thanks Dad ......

DAD..No problem Alan ...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2019, 03:26:54 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 22, 2019, 10:40:55 PM
SON...Why is my sister Teresa named Teresa??????????

DAD..Because your mum loves easter ..and Teresa in an anagram of Easter .... Thumbs:

SON..Thanks Dad ......

DAD..No problem Alan ...............

AFFS! cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 23, 2019, 05:34:34 PM: A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911, with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out.
"You need more ammo."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2019, 05:59:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 23, 2019, 05:34:34 PM
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911, with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out.
"You need more ammo."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 02, 2019, 10:04:27 AM: Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Many years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 05, 2019, 10:26:03 PM: A bloke parachutes out of a plane at 15000ft. As he pulls the ripcord - nothing happens!!
He’s panic stricken as he hurtles towards the ground!!
Just then, he sees a man flying up towards him in the opposite direction.
As the man coming up passes him the bloke with the parachute shouts “Help please help me.....do you know anything about parachutes ???”
The man replies “No I don’t ...Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 06, 2019, 03:04:04 PM: Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” Dave said, “Puke on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you on the spot.”
“Well, screw him!”, said Dave.
“I did." said his wife, "You’re back at work on Monday."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 07, 2019, 07:01:59 PM: My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana......... Thumbs:

I thought he was singing ..Hey Jude ........ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 07, 2019, 07:06:01 PM: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2019, 04:18:17 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 07, 2019, 07:06:01 PM
drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 08, 2019, 05:36:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 08, 2019, 04:18:17 AM
Quote from: Nick on September 07, 2019, 07:06:01 PM
drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 09, 2019, 07:20:36 PM: A new supermarket has just opened near me.
It has an automatic water meter to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh cut hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 09, 2019, 10:20:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 09, 2019, 07:20:36 PM
A new supermarket has just opened near me.
It has an automatic water meter to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh cut hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

;D ;D

But shit joke !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 10, 2019, 03:35:52 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 09, 2019, 07:20:36 PM
A new supermarket has just opened near me.
It has an automatic water meter to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh cut hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 10, 2019, 12:33:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 10, 2019, 03:35:52 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 09, 2019, 07:20:36 PM
A new supermarket has just opened near me.
It has an automatic water meter to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh cut hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 10, 2019, 07:51:28 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4/70757893-2649783255080980-585243762855247872-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4)

rubschin: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 10, 2019, 08:01:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 10, 2019, 07:51:28 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4/70757893-2649783255080980-585243762855247872-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4)

rubschin: rubschin:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 11, 2019, 03:46:13 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 10, 2019, 08:01:07 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 10, 2019, 07:51:28 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4/70757893-2649783255080980-585243762855247872-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p5vy0FF4)

rubschin: rubschin:

;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 13, 2019, 08:56:48 PM: Affs?

(https://forum.breastcancercare.org.uk/t5/image/serverpage/image-id/8850iCAFAC072C8C6BABD/image-size/large?v=1.0&px=999)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 15, 2019, 05:08:17 PM: A pirate walked into a bar, and took a seat on a bar stool.
The barman said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The barman replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the barman. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"OK it was my first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 15, 2019, 05:16:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 15, 2019, 05:08:17 PM
A pirate walked into a bar, and took a seat on a bar stool.
The barman said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The barman replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the barman. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"OK it was my first day with the hook."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 16, 2019, 04:39:28 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 15, 2019, 05:16:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 15, 2019, 05:08:17 PM
A pirate walked into a bar, and took a seat on a bar stool.
The barman said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The barman replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the barman. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"OK it was my first day with the hook."

;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 23, 2019, 09:59:36 PM: Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella...

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella...?

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was fucking skint"...

Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same"...

Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog"..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2019, 10:35:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 23, 2019, 09:59:36 PM
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella...

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella...?

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was fucking skint"...

Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same"...

Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog"..
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2019, 03:45:43 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 23, 2019, 09:59:36 PM
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella...

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella...?

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was fucking skint"...

Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same"...

Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog"..

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 24, 2019, 10:26:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 24, 2019, 03:45:43 AM
Quote from: Just One More on September 23, 2019, 09:59:36 PM
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella...

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella...?

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was fucking skint"...

Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same"...

Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog"..

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 28, 2019, 03:26:21 PM: President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine, while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him.
The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go "Mickey Mouse"?!" to which the Vice President responds, "Sorry, I got confused. I meant to shout "Donald, Duck!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2019, 04:54:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 28, 2019, 03:26:21 PM
President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine, while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him.
The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go "Mickey Mouse"?!" to which the Vice President responds, "Sorry, I got confused. I meant to shout "Donald, Duck!"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 28, 2019, 05:40:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 28, 2019, 04:54:17 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 28, 2019, 03:26:21 PM
President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine, while out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him.
The Vice President quickly, without much thought, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured. Later, Trump asks the Vice President, "What on earth made you go "Mickey Mouse"?!" to which the Vice President responds, "Sorry, I got confused. I meant to shout "Donald, Duck!"

;D
;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 28, 2019, 11:33:08 PM: Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths........?

Me: I can perform under pressure........

Interviewer: Can you give me an example.......?

Me: *deep breath*

♪Mm ba ba de,
Um bum ba de,
Um bu bu bum da de

PRESSURE, pushing down on me... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2019, 04:15:47 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 28, 2019, 11:33:08 PM
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths........?

Me: I can perform under pressure........

Interviewer: Can you give me an example.......?

Me: *deep breath*

♪Mm ba ba de,
Um bum ba de,
Um bu bu bum da de

PRESSURE, pushing down on me... Thumbs:

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 29, 2019, 08:35:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2019, 04:15:47 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 28, 2019, 11:33:08 PM
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths........?

Me: I can perform under pressure........

Interviewer: Can you give me an example.......?

Me: *deep breath*

♪Mm ba ba de,
Um bum ba de,
Um bu bu bum da de

PRESSURE, pushing down on me... Thumbs:

facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 29, 2019, 02:49:48 PM: https://scontent.fnic2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71085673_1000648833600836_8374481105239146496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeG7eYeTK7ybqYQ4yQVVR-D86KIk6_p43yQWlgNN9D0ZNgZ9-d9E6cdjL60i67xxC-DQZSuFPPi6v4m7GPFlVfF81pkwmRHKPOLJktwB8diPOg&_nc_oc=AQkSXOPCWSsE7gj2nytavKMqzXQTYRLW1Z_QcMlPwd5r0bjDldcVc-1tyJm-5sgMlyI&_nc_ht=scontent.fnic2-1.fna&oh=40a8e93cf80ae16a3731e69e7049fa0b&oe=5E2CAB15
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2019, 03:06:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 29, 2019, 02:49:48 PM
https://scontent.fnic2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71085673_1000648833600836_8374481105239146496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeG7eYeTK7ybqYQ4yQVVR-D86KIk6_p43yQWlgNN9D0ZNgZ9-d9E6cdjL60i67xxC-DQZSuFPPi6v4m7GPFlVfF81pkwmRHKPOLJktwB8diPOg&_nc_oc=AQkSXOPCWSsE7gj2nytavKMqzXQTYRLW1Z_QcMlPwd5r0bjDldcVc-1tyJm-5sgMlyI&_nc_ht=scontent.fnic2-1.fna&oh=40a8e93cf80ae16a3731e69e7049fa0b&oe=5E2CAB15

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 29, 2019, 03:08:07 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2019, 03:06:28 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 29, 2019, 02:49:48 PM
https://scontent.fnic2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71085673_1000648833600836_8374481105239146496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeG7eYeTK7ybqYQ4yQVVR-D86KIk6_p43yQWlgNN9D0ZNgZ9-d9E6cdjL60i67xxC-DQZSuFPPi6v4m7GPFlVfF81pkwmRHKPOLJktwB8diPOg&_nc_oc=AQkSXOPCWSsE7gj2nytavKMqzXQTYRLW1Z_QcMlPwd5r0bjDldcVc-1tyJm-5sgMlyI&_nc_ht=scontent.fnic2-1.fna&oh=40a8e93cf80ae16a3731e69e7049fa0b&oe=5E2CAB15

lol: lol: lol:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 02, 2019, 10:04:53 PM: Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters
"Too f**king late pal, already done the paperwork."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 03, 2019, 04:11:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2019, 10:04:53 PM
Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters
"Too f**king late pal, already done the paperwork."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 03, 2019, 08:06:22 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 03, 2019, 04:11:41 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 02, 2019, 10:04:53 PM
Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"
The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters
"Too f**king late pal, already done the paperwork."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 03, 2019, 10:00:15 AM: A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 03, 2019, 12:34:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 03, 2019, 10:00:15 AM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 03, 2019, 11:09:09 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 03, 2019, 12:34:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 03, 2019, 10:00:15 AM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 12:48:05 AM: Dating these days is like parking spaces ............ noooo:

The best ones are taken ........

The rest are handicaps.......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2019, 04:05:25 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 12:48:05 AM
Dating these days is like parking spaces ............ noooo:

The best ones are taken ........

The rest are handicaps.......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

...and Mother and Child places... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 05, 2019, 07:26:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 05, 2019, 04:05:25 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 12:48:05 AM
Dating these days is like parking spaces ............ noooo:

The best ones are taken ........

The rest are handicaps.......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

...and Mother and Child places... evil:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 05, 2019, 07:26:49 PM: An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 10:27:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 05, 2019, 07:26:49 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2019, 03:26:49 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 10:27:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 05, 2019, 07:26:49 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 06, 2019, 09:33:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 06, 2019, 03:26:49 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 05, 2019, 10:27:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 05, 2019, 07:26:49 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2019, 01:13:30 PM: A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:
Please scroll down!

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2019, 01:29:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 06, 2019, 01:13:30 PM
A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:
Please scroll down!

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love...

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 06, 2019, 03:27:38 PM: scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 11, 2019, 07:19:05 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/DWfR9DnR/72319057-2593878710650724-7116545953733017600-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DWfR9DnR)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2019, 07:30:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 11, 2019, 07:19:05 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DWfR9DnR/72319057-2593878710650724-7116545953733017600-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DWfR9DnR)

Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 11, 2019, 11:32:58 PM: This is so old it must surely be an Affs but the searchomatic says no:

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy in the wedding suite, the woman says, “Please be gentle, I’m a virgin.”
“But how can that be? You’ve been married three times before.”
“I know,” she says. “My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it.
And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… oh God, do I miss him…
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 11, 2019, 11:45:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 11, 2019, 11:32:58 PM
This is so old it must surely be an Affs but the searchomatic says no:

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy in the wedding suite, the woman says, “Please be gentle, I’m a virgin.”
“But how can that be? You’ve been married three times before.”
“I know,” she says. “My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it.
And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… oh God, do I miss him…

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 12, 2019, 04:42:12 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 11, 2019, 11:45:15 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 11, 2019, 11:32:58 PM
This is so old it must surely be an Affs but the searchomatic says no:

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy in the wedding suite, the woman says, “Please be gentle, I’m a virgin.”
“But how can that be? You’ve been married three times before.”
“I know,” she says. “My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it.
And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… oh God, do I miss him…

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 14, 2019, 10:56:50 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk/72960074-10157654080339591-474113708864307200-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk)

rubschin:

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 15, 2019, 05:03:59 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 14, 2019, 10:56:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk/72960074-10157654080339591-474113708864307200-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk)

rubschin:

whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 15, 2019, 05:29:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 15, 2019, 05:03:59 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 14, 2019, 10:56:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk/72960074-10157654080339591-474113708864307200-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk)

rubschin:

whistle:

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 15, 2019, 07:43:54 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 15, 2019, 05:29:58 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 15, 2019, 05:03:59 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 14, 2019, 10:56:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk/72960074-10157654080339591-474113708864307200-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CdzMx9tk)

rubschin:

whistle:

happy001

happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 15, 2019, 07:47:12 AM: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 15, 2019, 08:22:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 15, 2019, 07:47:12 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

Oldie but goldie! razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 15, 2019, 01:53:41 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 15, 2019, 08:22:58 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 15, 2019, 07:47:12 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

Oldie but goldie! razz:
angel1 it was certified Affs free

Or was it that I was certified and the joke was free?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 15, 2019, 07:39:17 PM: To anybody who can battle through domestic violence, a drug abusing partner who tells them they're worthless everyday and still manage to bring up 6 kids while the other half is down the pub spending all the family earning on alcohol is truly remarkable!..............................!

That's my wife's birthday card filled out, I'm off down the pub........! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 15, 2019, 07:53:38 PM: https://www.facebook.com/444719512677736/videos/2265979706844760/?t=74

Prince Harry ........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2019, 03:19:00 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 15, 2019, 07:39:17 PM
To anybody who can battle through domestic violence, a drug abusing partner who tells them they're worthless everyday and still manage to bring up 6 kids while the other half is down the pub spending all the family earning on alcohol is truly remarkable!..............................!

That's my wife's birthday card filled out, I'm off down the pub........! Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

Poor Misty... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2019, 03:20:24 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 15, 2019, 07:53:38 PM
https://www.facebook.com/444719512677736/videos/2265979706844760/?t=74

Prince Harry ........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2019, 08:56:06 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 16, 2019, 03:19:00 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 15, 2019, 07:39:17 PM
To anybody who can battle through domestic violence, a drug abusing partner who tells them they're worthless everyday and still manage to bring up 6 kids while the other half is down the pub spending all the family earning on alcohol is truly remarkable!..............................!

That's my wife's birthday card filled out, I'm off down the pub........! Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

Poor Misty... noooo:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2019, 08:56:49 AM: A Scotsman walks into a bar.........

There's usually an Englishman, Irishman and a Welshman but they're still in Japan!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2019, 09:48:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2019, 08:56:49 AM
A Scotsman walks into a bar.........

There's usually an Englishman, Irishman and a Welshman but they're still in Japan!

Is this about footy...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2019, 02:13:35 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 16, 2019, 02:39:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2019, 02:13:35 PM
facepalm:

It was rugby wasn't it...? redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2019, 07:40:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 16, 2019, 02:39:29 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2019, 02:13:35 PM
facepalm:

It was rugby wasn't it...? redface:
indeed it was

Rugby is never called footie
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 16, 2019, 09:34:17 PM: Miss T got mad at me because she saw me msg an old friend on facebook . I told her it was completely harmless and she said if she caught me doing it again she would smash my head across the keyboard .. eeek: clearly I don't give a frhdivndhjsjFfohguisaygtrejkbfvwmsnefhjkrelbgvfffirelyquitfgalyeiyfhuiwaklyi 99999999999999999999999dskjhgiruel;9[02q3uifjpio;;;;;q72389rpfyhooiyugfvtude

ioyyfutoe5347i8fro9ugbydeyikdl,o.9
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 16, 2019, 10:43:38 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 17, 2019, 04:26:57 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2019, 10:43:38 PM
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 17, 2019, 04:20:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 17, 2019, 04:26:57 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 16, 2019, 10:43:38 PM
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 18, 2019, 12:44:57 AM: The Pill.... the 2nd greatest thing a women can put in their mouth to avoid pregnancy........ Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2019, 04:11:32 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 18, 2019, 12:44:57 AM
The Pill.... the 2nd greatest thing a women can put in their mouth to avoid pregnancy........ Thumbs: Thumbs:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 18, 2019, 08:08:55 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/F7fWM93R/72439286-10206142146590548-161280656234512384-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/F7fWM93R)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2019, 04:41:59 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 18, 2019, 08:08:55 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/F7fWM93R/72439286-10206142146590548-161280656234512384-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/F7fWM93R)

Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 19, 2019, 10:49:58 PM: Guy walks into a Pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms...........

"I think I'll be needing all of these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriend's for dinner and i'm sure her sister and mum both fancy me as well. They are all gorgeous and I am going to smash all 3!"............

That night he sits down at the table with the 3… More ladies. When the father comes in, the young man immediately bows his head and prays for 5 mins. The girlfriend leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious."???

He replies "I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist!........... eeek:"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 20, 2019, 04:20:13 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 19, 2019, 10:49:58 PM
Guy walks into a Pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms...........

"I think I'll be needing all of these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriend's for dinner and i'm sure her sister and mum both fancy me as well. They are all gorgeous and I am going to smash all 3!"............

That night he sits down at the table with the 3… More ladies. When the father comes in, the young man immediately bows his head and prays for 5 mins. The girlfriend leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious."???

He replies "I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist!........... eeek:"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 20, 2019, 10:24:57 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 20, 2019, 04:20:13 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 19, 2019, 10:49:58 PM
Guy walks into a Pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms...........

"I think I'll be needing all of these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriend's for dinner and i'm sure her sister and mum both fancy me as well. They are all gorgeous and I am going to smash all 3!"............

That night he sits down at the table with the 3… More ladies. When the father comes in, the young man immediately bows his head and prays for 5 mins. The girlfriend leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious."???

He replies "I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist!........... eeek:"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 21, 2019, 07:13:42 AM: These so-called 'Gender-reassignment process surgeries' are a scam. As I don't get the attention I feel I deserve, I thought I might try identifying as something different.
I was expecting the clinic to be like a Chinese takeaway with all the genders you can choose from now, but NO! I was told they only do 2!
"Are you trying to say there are only two?" I demanded, but the doctor just replied, "I'm not saying fuck all, mate. Now do you wanna be a bird or not?"
Needlless to say, I stormed off in a huff and haven't spoken to them since, so maybe it's pretty clear what gender I actually am, after all.

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 21, 2019, 11:38:44 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 21, 2019, 07:13:42 AM
These so-called 'Gender-reassignment process surgeries' are a scam. As I don't get the attention I feel I deserve, I thought I might try identifying as something different.
I was expecting the clinic to be like a Chinese takeaway with all the genders you can choose from now, but NO! I was told they only do 2!
"Are you trying to say there are only two?" I demanded, but the doctor just replied, "I'm not saying fuck all, mate. Now do you wanna be a bird or not?"
Needlless to say, I stormed off in a huff and haven't spoken to them since, so maybe it's pretty clear what gender I actually am, after all.

whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 22, 2019, 08:59:11 PM: Fucking wankers letting fireworks off in October

The dog's bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 22, 2019, 09:49:06 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 22, 2019, 08:59:11 PM
Fucking wankers letting fireworks off in October

The dog's bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 23, 2019, 12:29:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2019, 09:49:06 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 22, 2019, 08:59:11 PM
Fucking wankers letting fireworks off in October

The dog's bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 23, 2019, 01:22:46 AM: What is the difference between jam and marmalade............ rubschin:

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2019, 03:57:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 23, 2019, 12:29:56 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 22, 2019, 09:49:06 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 22, 2019, 08:59:11 PM
Fucking wankers letting fireworks off in October

The dog's bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

We have a Xmas tree... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2019, 03:58:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 23, 2019, 01:22:46 AM
What is the difference between jam and marmalade............ rubschin:

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 23, 2019, 05:23:49 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 23, 2019, 03:58:50 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 23, 2019, 01:22:46 AM
What is the difference between jam and marmalade............ rubschin:

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 23, 2019, 05:05:24 PM: When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 24, 2019, 04:32:57 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 23, 2019, 05:05:24 PM
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 24, 2019, 12:19:39 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/sMVxpksk/73167556-10157858091098679-4057441027412197376-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMVxpksk)

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 24, 2019, 12:28:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 24, 2019, 12:19:39 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sMVxpksk/73167556-10157858091098679-4057441027412197376-n-1.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMVxpksk)

redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 26, 2019, 07:17:16 PM: My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.
"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."
"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2019, 09:13:27 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2019, 07:17:16 PM
My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.
"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."
"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 28, 2019, 10:49:57 PM: After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 28, 2019, 10:52:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 28, 2019, 10:49:57 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2019, 11:20:46 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 28, 2019, 10:52:39 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 28, 2019, 10:49:57 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 28, 2019, 11:45:31 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2019, 11:20:46 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 28, 2019, 10:52:39 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 28, 2019, 10:49:57 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2019, 06:57:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 28, 2019, 11:45:31 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2019, 11:20:46 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 28, 2019, 10:52:39 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 28, 2019, 10:49:57 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 29, 2019, 09:23:23 PM: Guess ..who's finally stopped smoking today............... Thumbs:

Abu Bakr Al-BagHadai......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2019, 09:32:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2019, 09:23:23 PM
Guess ..who's finally stopped smoking today............... Thumbs:

Abu Bakr Al-BagHadai......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2019, 10:42:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2019, 09:32:19 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2019, 09:23:23 PM
Guess ..who's finally stopped smoking today............... Thumbs:

Abu Bakr Al-BagHadai......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 30, 2019, 05:28:50 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2019, 10:42:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2019, 09:32:19 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2019, 09:23:23 PM
Guess ..who's finally stopped smoking today............... Thumbs:

Abu Bakr Al-BagHadai......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2019, 05:37:36 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 30, 2019, 05:28:50 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on October 29, 2019, 10:42:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2019, 09:32:19 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 29, 2019, 09:23:23 PM
Guess ..who's finally stopped smoking today............... Thumbs:

Abu Bakr Al-BagHadai......... redface:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2019, 09:56:28 AM: Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, "Honey there's a witch at the door. What shall I do?"

She shouted back, "Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost."

My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2019, 09:57:26 AM: I asked my boss "What to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

He said "Just pop it in the Corner".

Four bloody hours it took me ..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 31, 2019, 10:02:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2019, 09:57:26 AM
I asked my boss "What to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

He said "Just pop it in the Corner".

Four bloody hours it took me ..

;D noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 31, 2019, 02:31:29 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 31, 2019, 10:02:19 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2019, 09:57:26 AM
I asked my boss "What to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

He said "Just pop it in the Corner".

Four bloody hours it took me ..

;D noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2019, 02:51:57 PM: ^^^ lol: lol: lol: ^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 01, 2019, 06:11:28 AM: John The Farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "Pullets", and Ten Roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The Farmer kept records and any Rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his Roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which Rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The Farmer's favorite Rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other Roosters were chasing Pullets, bells a ringing.

The Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a Pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Delaware County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the Judges.

The result;

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Politician in the making:

Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...........

The bells are not always audible!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2019, 09:54:20 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2019, 06:11:28 AM
John The Farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "Pullets", and Ten Roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The Farmer kept records and any Rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his Roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which Rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The Farmer's favorite Rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other Roosters were chasing Pullets, bells a ringing.

The Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a Pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Delaware County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the Judges.

The result;

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Politician in the making:

Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...........

The bells are not always audible!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 01, 2019, 11:03:08 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2019, 09:54:20 AM
Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2019, 06:11:28 AM
John The Farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "Pullets", and Ten Roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The Farmer kept records and any Rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his Roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which Rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The Farmer's favorite Rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other Roosters were chasing Pullets, bells a ringing.

The Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a Pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Delaware County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the Judges.

The result;

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Politician in the making:

Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...........

The bells are not always audible!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 01, 2019, 01:15:44 PM: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 01, 2019, 03:27:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 01, 2019, 11:03:08 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2019, 09:54:20 AM
Quote from: Just One More on November 01, 2019, 06:11:28 AM
John The Farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "Pullets", and Ten Roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The Farmer kept records and any Rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his Roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which Rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The Farmer's favorite Rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other Roosters were chasing Pullets, bells a ringing.

The Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a Pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Delaware County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the Judges.

The result;

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Politician in the making:

Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...........

The bells are not always audible!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 01, 2019, 07:22:23 PM: A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 02, 2019, 12:35:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 01, 2019, 07:22:23 PM
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

drumroll: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2019, 05:39:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 01, 2019, 07:22:23 PM
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 02, 2019, 10:41:51 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh/69.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2019, 05:01:53 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 02, 2019, 10:41:51 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh/69.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh)

noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2019, 12:15:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 03, 2019, 05:01:53 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 02, 2019, 10:41:51 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh/69.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh)

noooo:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 03, 2019, 07:38:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 03, 2019, 12:15:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 03, 2019, 05:01:53 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 02, 2019, 10:41:51 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh/69.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mzz2GNMh)

noooo:

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 07, 2019, 06:18:13 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx/75204504-790075524773689-1305168603372322816-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 07, 2019, 06:55:09 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2019, 06:18:13 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx/75204504-790075524773689-1305168603372322816-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx)

noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 07, 2019, 11:11:26 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 07, 2019, 06:55:09 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2019, 06:18:13 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx/75204504-790075524773689-1305168603372322816-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx)

noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 07, 2019, 03:26:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 07, 2019, 11:11:26 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 07, 2019, 06:55:09 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 07, 2019, 06:18:13 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx/75204504-790075524773689-1305168603372322816-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XGs4wLVx)

noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 07, 2019, 11:49:16 PM: My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit,
bastard asked..
'What did you teach?'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 08, 2019, 04:48:42 AM: Quote from: Just One More on November 07, 2019, 11:49:16 PM
My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit,
sastard asked..
'What did you teach?'

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 08, 2019, 09:24:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 08, 2019, 04:48:42 AM
Quote from: Just One More on November 07, 2019, 11:49:16 PM
My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit,
sastard asked..
'What did you teach?'

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2019, 10:01:29 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 08, 2019, 09:24:52 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 08, 2019, 04:48:42 AM
Quote from: Just One More on November 07, 2019, 11:49:16 PM
My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school .
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
He answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit,
sastard asked..
'What did you teach?'

happy001
happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 08, 2019, 05:56:19 PM: Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 09, 2019, 04:20:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 08, 2019, 05:56:19 PM
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM: I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 09, 2019, 10:55:47 AM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM
I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 09, 2019, 11:22:29 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 09, 2019, 10:55:47 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM
I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 09, 2019, 12:17:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2019, 11:22:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 09, 2019, 10:55:47 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM
I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 10, 2019, 12:00:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 09, 2019, 12:17:02 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2019, 11:22:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 09, 2019, 10:55:47 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM
I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D sick2:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 14, 2019, 12:33:48 PM: A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Long
Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife..........

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”.......

“Oh for fucks sake”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”...........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 14, 2019, 12:46:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 14, 2019, 12:33:48 PM
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Long
Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife..........

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”.......

“Oh for fucks sake”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”...........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:34:23 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 10, 2019, 12:00:59 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 09, 2019, 12:17:02 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 09, 2019, 11:22:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 09, 2019, 10:55:47 AM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on November 09, 2019, 10:35:43 AM
I've started dating a lady with eczema.

She has cracking tits...

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D sick2:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:34:56 PM: Paddy and Mick are sent to prison.
Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon.
The system worked perfectly for a time, but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:36:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 14, 2019, 12:46:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 14, 2019, 12:33:48 PM
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Long
Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife..........

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”.......

“Oh for fucks sake”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”...........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:37:28 PM: A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 18, 2019, 10:04:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:37:28 PM
A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2019, 07:12:43 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 18, 2019, 08:34:56 PM
Paddy and Mick are sent to prison.
Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon.
The system worked perfectly for a time, but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 19, 2019, 09:24:36 PM: My 1 year old grandson fell asleep on my lap last night.
So I quietly carried him upstairs, laid him down and then went back downstairs to relax for half an hour.
Everybody on the bus thought I was a right bastard..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2019, 09:26:35 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2019, 09:24:36 PM
My 1 year old grandson fell asleep on my lap last night.
So I quietly carried him upstairs, laid him down and then went back downstairs to relax for half an hour.
Everybody on the bus thought I was a right bastard..

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2019, 06:14:39 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2019, 09:26:35 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2019, 09:24:36 PM
My 1 year old grandson fell asleep on my lap last night.
So I quietly carried him upstairs, laid him down and then went back downstairs to relax for half an hour.
Everybody on the bus thought I was a right bastard..

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 20, 2019, 04:09:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2019, 06:14:39 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2019, 09:26:35 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2019, 09:24:36 PM
My 1 year old grandson fell asleep on my lap last night.
So I quietly carried him upstairs, laid him down and then went back downstairs to relax for half an hour.
Everybody on the bus thought I was a right bastard..

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2019, 02:07:31 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/30NXr4rN/77053879-10217569035551150-2495575594696179712-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/30NXr4rN)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 21, 2019, 02:38:08 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Bj535sKZ/75580121-777373226040823-5576381199762325504-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Bj535sKZ)

whistle: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2019, 02:45:55 PM: happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 24, 2019, 06:46:09 PM: Paddy says to Murphy, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 24, 2019, 08:07:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2019, 06:46:09 PM
Paddy says to Murphy, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 24, 2019, 11:25:46 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 24, 2019, 08:07:32 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2019, 06:46:09 PM
Paddy says to Murphy, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2019, 04:47:20 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 24, 2019, 11:25:46 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 24, 2019, 08:07:32 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 24, 2019, 06:46:09 PM
Paddy says to Murphy, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

lol: lol: redface:
lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 30, 2019, 12:37:33 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Ffy1HHRR/black-betty.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ffy1HHRR)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 30, 2019, 01:06:29 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 30, 2019, 12:37:33 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/Ffy1HHRR/black-betty.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ffy1HHRR)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 01, 2019, 01:06:28 PM: Can I just ask everyone for a big favour?
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your gardens, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack.
I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss out my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push the gun under the seat.
It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2019, 01:16:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 01, 2019, 01:06:28 PM
Can I just ask everyone for a big favour?
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your gardens, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack.
I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss out my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push the gun under the seat.
It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 04, 2019, 11:49:22 PM: "It's times like these I wish we lived abroad," I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.
"Yeah, the weathers shit isn't it?" She replied.
"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fecking drive."
"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2019, 07:17:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 04, 2019, 11:49:22 PM
"It's times like these I wish we lived abroad," I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.
"Yeah, the weathers shit isn't it?" She replied.
"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fecking drive."
"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 03:57:14 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/f3LFXMrJ/79317802-2779488778796531-710461266627395584-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/f3LFXMrJ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 04:01:54 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1/79221906-10157871610736031-9070576393456189440-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2019, 04:13:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 04:01:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1/79221906-10157871610736031-9070576393456189440-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1)

whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 05:43:04 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/GBpfXjhm/78458412-10215663149794208-3165291206666092544-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GBpfXjhm)

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 05, 2019, 05:49:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2019, 04:13:24 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 04:01:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1/79221906-10157871610736031-9070576393456189440-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 05, 2019, 11:31:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 05, 2019, 05:49:17 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2019, 04:13:24 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 05, 2019, 04:01:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1/79221906-10157871610736031-9070576393456189440-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSJJhbh1)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 06, 2019, 08:28:24 PM: If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 06, 2019, 08:30:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 06, 2019, 08:28:24 PM
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 06, 2019, 08:36:21 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2019, 08:30:32 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 06, 2019, 08:28:24 PM
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2019, 10:20:11 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 06, 2019, 08:28:24 PM
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 06, 2019, 11:15:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 06, 2019, 08:36:21 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 06, 2019, 08:30:32 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 06, 2019, 08:28:24 PM
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 06, 2019, 11:40:13 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/239sw18N/Gat.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/239sw18N)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 10, 2019, 05:18:01 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/sB57BdKn/prince-andrewoz.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sB57BdKn)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 10, 2019, 05:50:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 10, 2019, 05:18:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sB57BdKn/prince-andrewoz.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sB57BdKn)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 10, 2019, 06:37:41 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 10, 2019, 05:18:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sB57BdKn/prince-andrewoz.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sB57BdKn)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 10, 2019, 07:00:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2019, 06:37:41 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 10, 2019, 05:18:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sB57BdKn/prince-andrewoz.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sB57BdKn)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2019, 07:20:06 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 06, 2019, 11:40:13 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/239sw18N/Gat.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/239sw18N)

happy001 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2019, 07:21:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 10, 2019, 07:00:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2019, 06:37:41 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 10, 2019, 05:18:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sB57BdKn/prince-andrewoz.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sB57BdKn)

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 12, 2019, 11:40:05 AM: Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times
before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down to confront
the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the Chemist told him, "Now, just a minute mate, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was
late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried
out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the damn
phone never stopped ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins
against the cash register drawer to give change, and
they spilled all over the floor
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up
the pound coins and the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 12, 2019, 11:41:08 AM: The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 12, 2019, 12:32:54 PM: ^^^ lol: lol: lol: ^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 12, 2019, 03:24:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 12, 2019, 11:40:05 AM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times
before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down to confront
the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the Chemist told him, "Now, just a minute mate, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was
late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried
out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the damn
phone never stopped ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins
against the cash register drawer to give change, and
they spilled all over the floor
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up
the pound coins and the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 12, 2019, 03:26:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 12, 2019, 11:41:08 AM
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 13, 2019, 05:45:48 PM: For Sale: 66.4 Million Broadband Routers.
New , Still Boxed, First To See Will Buy!
£1,000,000,000 ... No Offers!

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2019, 07:41:24 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 13, 2019, 05:45:48 PM
For Sale: 66.4 Million Broadband Routers.
New , Still Boxed, First To See Will Buy!
£1,000,000,000 ... No Offers!

whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 14, 2019, 10:03:28 AM: I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 14, 2019, 10:26:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 14, 2019, 10:03:28 AM
I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke redface:

Contact jeremy or Diane for further details :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 14, 2019, 10:31:23 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 14, 2019, 10:26:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 14, 2019, 10:03:28 AM
I guess I'm slow(er) today, not seeing the joke redface:

Contact jeremy or Diane for further details :thumbsup:
Thanks :thumbsup:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2019, 09:01:57 PM: A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room, why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
I would have got out today.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 16, 2019, 09:17:23 PM: Two Irish men are sitting down in a pub. They notice a man walk in with an amazing suit on. They both start talking about what job he has. So one of the Irishmen goes over and asks what job he has.

Irishman-"Excuse me mate, that's a lovely suit you've got there, could I ask you what job you have, me and my mate are curious"

Doctor-" yes, I'm a doctor of logic"

Irishman-"what's a doctor of logic"

Doctor-"well let me explain to you. Do you have any goldfish?"

Irishman-"why yes I do actually, I have 6"

Doctor-"well logic tells me you have a pond"

Irishman-"that's right, I do have a pond"

Doctor-"now logic tells me you have a big garden because of that pond"

Irishman-" that's correct"

Doctor-"next I can assume that you have a big house with either 4 or 5 bedrooms"

Irishman-"wow, I have a 5 bedroom house"

Doctor-"now, logic tells me that you have 3 or 4 kids"

Irishman-"I have 4 beautiful children, this is amazing"

Doctor-"from this I can tell that your wife is very good in bed and satisfies your needs"

Irishman-"yeah, she's like no other women I've ever been with"

Doctor-" well logic tells me that you don't wank because of how good your wife is in bed"

Irishman-" wow this is unbelievable you're right"

Doctor-" see from asking if you had goldfish I was able to work out that you don't wank, because of logic"

The Irishman goes back to his mate who asks what his job was.

Irishman-" he's a doctor of logic"

Irishman's friend "what on earth is that"

Irishman-" let me explain. Do you own any goldfish?"

Irishman's friend-"no, I don't own any"

Irishman-"well, you're a wanker"........... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 16, 2019, 09:22:49 PM: It's screaming Affs but lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 12:08:34 AM: Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.....

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable............

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.......
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead..........

.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..........
How soon before I can go home..............??
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 12:19:29 AM: A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun......
.
A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by the doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister." "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.........

"No" says the doctor "She's a flute player! She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 17, 2019, 05:43:31 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 12:08:34 AM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.....

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable............

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.......
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead..........

.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..........
How soon before I can go home..............??
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 17, 2019, 06:03:19 AM: ^^^ All AFFtastic! lol: lol: lol: ^^^
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 17, 2019, 06:42:58 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 12:19:29 AM
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun......
.
A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by the doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister." "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.........

"No" says the doctor "She's a flute player! She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"......... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 17, 2019, 05:20:01 PM: Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne, listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And so began Ken's life of celibacy!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 17, 2019, 05:25:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 17, 2019, 05:20:01 PM
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne, listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And so began Ken's life of celibacy!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 17, 2019, 06:17:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 17, 2019, 05:25:50 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 17, 2019, 05:20:01 PM
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne, listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And so began Ken's life of celibacy!

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 09:24:35 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/7CZ2Rc56/Bald.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7CZ2Rc56)

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 17, 2019, 09:29:09 PM: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 18, 2019, 04:51:15 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 17, 2019, 09:24:35 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7CZ2Rc56/Bald.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7CZ2Rc56)

noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 19, 2019, 08:48:12 PM: My grandfather told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but they kept telling him to shut up. Undeterred he warned them again and again.........................

Until the management got fed up with him spoiling it for everyone, and kicked him out the cinema............ redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 19, 2019, 08:49:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 19, 2019, 08:48:12 PM
My grandfather told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but they kept telling him to shut up. Undeterred he warned them again and again.........................

Until the management got fed up with him spoiling it for everyone, and kicked him out the cinema............ redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2019, 09:23:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 19, 2019, 08:49:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 19, 2019, 08:48:12 PM
My grandfather told me that he saw The Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but they kept telling him to shut up. Undeterred he warned them again and again.........................

Until the management got fed up with him spoiling it for everyone, and kicked him out the cinema............ redface:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 12:46:07 AM: A guy gets pulled over for speeding ...and policeman says "what your name ?/"...

"D-D-D-Dav-Dav Dav- David..."

"sorry do You have a stutter "

"No sir ..my father did ...and the register who filled out my birth certificate is an arsehole "......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2019, 05:15:27 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 12:46:07 AM
A guy gets pulled over for speeding ...and policeman says "what your name ?/"...

"D-D-D-Dav-Dav Dav- David..."

"sorry do You have a stutter "

"No sir ..my father did ...and the register who filled out my birth certificate is an arsehole "......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 20, 2019, 06:51:32 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2019, 05:15:27 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 12:46:07 AM
A guy gets pulled over for speeding ...and policeman says "what your name ?/"...

"D-D-D-Dav-Dav Dav- David..."

"sorry do You have a stutter "

"No sir ..my father did ...and the register who filled out my birth certificate is an arsehole "......

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2019, 07:29:51 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 20, 2019, 06:51:32 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2019, 05:15:27 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 12:46:07 AM
A guy gets pulled over for speeding ...and policeman says "what your name ?/"...

"D-D-D-Dav-Dav Dav- David..."

"sorry do You have a stutter "

"No sir ..my father did ...and the register who filled out my birth certificate is an arsehole "......

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2019, 01:05:36 PM: A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2019, 01:20:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2019, 01:05:36 PM
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 05:17:08 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2019, 01:20:23 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 20, 2019, 01:05:36 PM
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 07:22:43 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/47ZBRBw8/Nun.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/47ZBRBw8)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2019, 08:01:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 20, 2019, 07:22:43 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/47ZBRBw8/Nun.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/47ZBRBw8)

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2019, 09:29:03 PM: Mother Christmas

"Where art thou, Mother Christmas?
I only wish I knew
Why Father should get all the praise
And no one mentions you.

I'll bet you buy the presents
And wrap them large and small
While all the time that rotten swine
Pretends he's done it all.

So Hail To Mother Christmas
Who shoulders all the work!
And down with Father Christmas,
That unmitigated jerk!"

Roald Dahl 1988 for Great Ormond Street Hospital.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 21, 2019, 07:45:30 AM: https://www.facebook.com/michael.kozak.16/videos/775487984733/?t=56 (https://www.facebook.com/michael.kozak.16/videos/775487984733/?t=56)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2019, 09:08:07 AM: Quote from: Nick on December 21, 2019, 07:45:30 AM
https://www.facebook.com/michael.kozak.16/videos/775487984733/?t=56 (https://www.facebook.com/michael.kozak.16/videos/775487984733/?t=56)

lol: lol: lol: and also AFFS I think... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2019, 09:15:35 AM: Whilst traveling to work on the bus yesterday I was most annoyed when a man boarded the bus, sat next to an old lady and then proceeded to masturbate furiously.

I thought to myself "I'm not having that ", so I challenged him. Unfortunately, I lost as he reached his climax a good 10 seconds before I was able to reach mine.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2019, 09:27:55 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2019, 09:15:35 AM
Whilst traveling to work on the bus yesterday I was most annoyed when a man boarded the bus, sat next to an old lady and then proceeded to masturbate furiously.

I thought to myself "I'm not having that ", so I challenged him. Unfortunately, I lost as he reached his climax a good 10 seconds before I was able to reach mine.

lol: lol: lol: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:20:57 PM: I went outside this morning & found my neighbour Muhammad lying face down in the snow with a knife stuck in his back...

I ran back inside & shouted to my wife "quick come & see what's happened!"......

"What is it?" She said......

"You'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"............... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2019, 08:25:53 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:20:57 PM
I went outside this morning & found my neighbour Muhammad lying face down in the snow with a knife stuck in his back...

I ran back inside & shouted to my wife "quick come & see what's happened!"......

"What is it?" She said......

"You'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"............... eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:30:05 PM: I said to miss T, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"..........

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it........?

She was feeding him Quavers"........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2019, 08:37:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:30:05 PM
I said to miss T, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"..........

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it........?

She was feeding him Quavers"........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2019, 09:35:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2019, 08:25:53 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:20:57 PM
I went outside this morning & found my neighbour Muhammad lying face down in the snow with a knife stuck in his back...

I ran back inside & shouted to my wife "quick come & see what's happened!"......

"What is it?" She said......

"You'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"............... eeek:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2019, 09:36:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2019, 08:37:04 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:30:05 PM
I said to miss T, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"..........

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it........?

She was feeding him Quavers"........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:29:51 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 21, 2019, 09:36:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2019, 08:37:04 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 08:30:05 PM
I said to miss T, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"..........

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it........?

She was feeding him Quavers"........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM: Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 11:47:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2019, 05:30:00 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2019, 11:47:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 22, 2019, 08:17:40 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!

The last time I felt inner peace it was after using that bog roll from Poundland ;) sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2019, 08:32:20 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 22, 2019, 08:17:40 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!

The last time I felt inner peace it was after using that bog roll from Poundland ;) sick2:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 22, 2019, 10:12:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 22, 2019, 08:32:20 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 22, 2019, 08:17:40 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2019, 11:44:51 PM
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished,

so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns,
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse!

The last time I felt inner peace it was after using that bog roll from Poundland ;) sick2:

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 22, 2019, 05:47:57 PM: I bought a Xmas tree that was to big to get in the car...........

so I had to cut the top off..........

,
I didn't mind cos I've always wanted a convertible............... Thumbs:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 22, 2019, 06:11:24 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 22, 2019, 05:47:57 PM
I bought a Xmas tree that was to big to get in the car...........

so I had to cut the top off..........

,
I didn't mind cos I've always wanted a convertible............... Thumbs:

redface:

Well I didn't see that rushing towards me.... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 04:17:07 PM: AFFS......... rubschin:

Just done my good deed for today, this morning at the Lidl check out I was behind an old lady in the queue, her bill came to £56.83p but when she counted out her change she only had just under £50, I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation, she didn't want me to help her but I insisted.............

And in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves............. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2019, 04:39:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 04:17:07 PM
AFFS......... rubschin:

Just done my good deed for today, this morning at the Lidl check out I was behind an old lady in the queue, her bill came to £56.83p but when she counted out her change she only had just under £50, I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation, she didn't want me to help her but I insisted.............

And in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves............. Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 05:10:43 PM: I really didn’t believe my grandad when he said he was having a stroke.........

It’s probably because he couldn’t say it with a straight face.......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 23, 2019, 07:03:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 05:10:43 PM
I really didn’t believe my grandad when he said he was having a stroke.........

It’s probably because he couldn’t say it with a straight face.......... whistle:
lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 23, 2019, 07:04:00 PM: Two mice were fighting.
The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".
The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".
A third mouse who was watching walks away and the others ask why it is leaving.
The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this shit, I'm off to f*ck the cat"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2019, 07:36:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 05:10:43 PM
I really didn’t believe my grandad when he said he was having a stroke.........

It’s probably because he couldn’t say it with a straight face.......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 23, 2019, 08:44:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2019, 07:36:41 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2019, 05:10:43 PM
I really didn’t believe my grandad when he said he was having a stroke.........

It’s probably because he couldn’t say it with a straight face.......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 24, 2019, 12:30:55 AM: Christmas Dinner....

I've concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for chuffs sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions, breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking 😉.
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them - don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same.
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over.
Merry Christmas!
Everybody have a good one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 24, 2019, 08:24:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 24, 2019, 12:30:55 AM
Christmas Dinner....

I've concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for chuffs sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions, breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking 😉.
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.
4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them - don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same.
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over.
Merry Christmas!
Everybody have a good one.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 24, 2019, 06:05:27 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/S2rVCqr2/batteries.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/S2rVCqr2)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 24, 2019, 08:13:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 24, 2019, 06:05:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/S2rVCqr2/batteries.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/S2rVCqr2)

Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 25, 2019, 11:51:39 AM: What did the boy with no hands get for Xmas............ rubschin:

Gloves......... Thumbs:

Just kidding .... he hasn’t opened the presents yet......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 25, 2019, 11:56:04 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 25, 2019, 11:51:39 AM
What did the boy with no hands get for Xmas............ rubschin:

Gloves......... Thumbs:

Just kidding .... he hasn’t opened the presents yet......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 25, 2019, 12:24:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 25, 2019, 11:51:39 AM
What did the boy with no hands get for Xmas............ rubschin:

Gloves......... Thumbs:

Just kidding .... he hasn’t opened the presents yet......... whistle:

https://www.tiktok.com/@nickbarrientos7/video/6773750909362015494?u_code=d69543522bfb9h&preview_pb=0&language=en&timestamp=1577271578&utm_source=twitter&utm_campaign=client_share&utm_medium=android&share_app_name=musically&share_iid=6771137924571956998&source=h5_m
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 25, 2019, 12:37:04 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 25, 2019, 12:24:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 25, 2019, 11:51:39 AM
What did the boy with no hands get for Xmas............ rubschin:

Gloves......... Thumbs:

Just kidding .... he hasn’t opened the presents yet......... whistle:

https://www.tiktok.com/@nickbarrientos7/video/6773750909362015494?u_code=d69543522bfb9h&preview_pb=0&language=en&timestamp=1577271578&utm_source=twitter&utm_campaign=client_share&utm_medium=android&share_app_name=musically&share_iid=6771137924571956998&source=h5_m

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 26, 2019, 10:14:29 PM: "I heard that in Thailand some girls can fire ping pong balls out of their fannys," I told my wife.

"And so what the fuck are these?" she inquired as she unwrapped her Christmas presents.

"Tennis balls." I said.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 26, 2019, 10:36:23 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 26, 2019, 10:14:29 PM
"I heard that in Thailand some girls can fire ping pong balls out of their fannys," I told my wife.

"And so what the fuck are these?" she inquired as she unwrapped her Christmas presents.

"Tennis balls." I said.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2019, 05:50:58 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 26, 2019, 10:36:23 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 26, 2019, 10:14:29 PM
"I heard that in Thailand some girls can fire ping pong balls out of their fannys," I told my wife.

"And so what the fuck are these?" she inquired as she unwrapped her Christmas presents.

"Tennis balls." I said.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 27, 2019, 10:23:22 PM: Woman on death row ......

"What do you want to eat ? "......

I dunno ..what do you want ??... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2019, 10:36:35 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2019, 10:23:22 PM
Woman on death row ......

"What do you want to eat ? "......

I dunno ..what do you want ??... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2019, 11:09:23 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g/defibrillator-2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2019, 11:12:15 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2019, 11:09:23 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g/defibrillator-2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 28, 2019, 06:48:52 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2019, 10:36:35 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 27, 2019, 10:23:22 PM
Woman on death row ......

"What do you want to eat ? "......

I dunno ..what do you want ??... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 28, 2019, 06:49:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2019, 11:12:15 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2019, 11:09:23 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g/defibrillator-2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 28, 2019, 07:13:13 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 28, 2019, 06:49:19 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2019, 11:12:15 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2019, 11:09:23 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g/defibrillator-2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MfZ37L0g)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 29, 2019, 06:42:56 PM: What is all this Vajazzle stuff ........ rubschin:

In my day, a c**t covered in jewellery was called jimmy Saville .......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 29, 2019, 07:11:35 PM: Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.........

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"............. rubschin:

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!".......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 29, 2019, 11:48:59 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 29, 2019, 06:42:56 PM
What is all this Vajazzle stuff ........ rubschin:

In my day, a c**t covered in jewellery was called jimmy Saville .......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 30, 2019, 06:46:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 29, 2019, 11:48:59 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 29, 2019, 06:42:56 PM
What is all this Vajazzle stuff ........ rubschin:

In my day, a c**t covered in jewellery was called jimmy Saville .......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2019, 08:23:00 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 30, 2019, 06:46:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 29, 2019, 11:48:59 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 29, 2019, 06:42:56 PM
What is all this Vajazzle stuff ........ rubschin:

In my day, a c**t covered in jewellery was called jimmy Saville .......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 30, 2019, 09:51:15 PM: Stevie Wonder - 7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you go blind
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 30, 2019, 10:11:48 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2019, 09:51:15 PM
Stevie Wonder - 7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you go blind

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 31, 2019, 06:41:17 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 30, 2019, 10:11:48 PM
Quote from: Just One More on December 30, 2019, 09:51:15 PM
Stevie Wonder - 7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you go blind

;D ;D Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 02, 2020, 11:49:23 PM: I am not a gambling man............

but I think there's a fair chance Australia will retain the Ashes this year........... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 03, 2020, 07:17:14 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2020, 11:49:23 PM
I am not a gambling man............

but I think there's a fair chance Australia will retain the Ashes this year........... rubschin:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 11:41:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 03, 2020, 07:17:14 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2020, 11:49:23 PM
I am not a gambling man............

but I think there's a fair chance Australia will retain the Ashes this year........... rubschin:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 03, 2020, 12:21:52 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 11:41:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 03, 2020, 07:17:14 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2020, 11:49:23 PM
I am not a gambling man............

but I think there's a fair chance Australia will retain the Ashes this year........... rubschin:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 03, 2020, 06:53:52 PM: My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's.
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 07:44:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 03, 2020, 06:53:52 PM
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's.
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 03, 2020, 08:51:35 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 07:44:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 03, 2020, 06:53:52 PM
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's.
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 03, 2020, 10:48:55 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 03, 2020, 12:21:52 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 11:41:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 03, 2020, 07:17:14 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 02, 2020, 11:49:23 PM
I am not a gambling man............

but I think there's a fair chance Australia will retain the Ashes this year........... rubschin:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 03, 2020, 10:49:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 03, 2020, 08:51:35 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 03, 2020, 07:44:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 03, 2020, 06:53:52 PM
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's.
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago.
I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 05, 2020, 08:31:28 AM: Wife just phoned hubby and the conversation went like this :-

Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Xmas..???

Him: "Yeah."

Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."

Him: "Right, I've done that"..

Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???

Him: "I can see that, yeah."

Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??

Him: Okay, I see them."

Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???

Him: "Yes...! I can see him"..

Her: Right..!

"Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 05, 2020, 08:43:07 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 05, 2020, 08:31:28 AM
Wife just phoned hubby and the conversation went like this :-

Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Xmas..???

Him: "Yeah."

Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."

Him: "Right, I've done that"..

Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???

Him: "I can see that, yeah."

Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??

Him: Okay, I see them."

Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???

Him: "Yes...! I can see him"..

Her: Right..!

"Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 05, 2020, 10:30:14 PM: A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss.

rubschin:

It's true. I still remember mine: a old banger that stank of piss........... Thumbs:

Can't think what the f%cking car was though............... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2020, 05:45:41 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 05, 2020, 10:30:14 PM
A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss.

rubschin:

It's true. I still remember mine: a old banger that stank of piss........... Thumbs:

Can't think what the f%cking car was though............... rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 06, 2020, 05:53:16 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 06, 2020, 05:45:41 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 05, 2020, 10:30:14 PM
A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss.

rubschin:

It's true. I still remember mine: a old banger that stank of piss........... Thumbs:

Can't think what the f%cking car was though............... rubschin:

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 06, 2020, 07:30:27 PM: Sex After Death.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Chris, Christine, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Christine, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Scotland.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 06, 2020, 07:46:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 06, 2020, 07:30:27 PM
Sex After Death.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Chris, Christine, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Christine, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Scotland.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2020, 07:25:03 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2020, 02:02:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2020, 07:25:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2020, 02:43:37 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2020, 02:02:56 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2020, 07:25:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 10, 2020, 02:50:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2020, 02:43:37 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2020, 02:02:56 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2020, 07:25:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

WARNING..some people on FB find this offensive.......... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2020, 03:16:51 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 10, 2020, 02:50:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2020, 02:43:37 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on January 10, 2020, 02:02:56 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2020, 07:25:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 09, 2020, 11:28:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg/Megan.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnCV43Pg)

whistle:

happy001
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

WARNING..some people on FB find this offensive.......... redface:

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 10, 2020, 09:01:59 PM: Job Interview

"So Harry, tell us a bit about yourself"

"Well... My Nan married her cousin, my Dad was friends with Jimmy Saville. Then my Nan killed my Mum and my uncle is a massive paedo".

"We'll be in touch"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2020, 09:12:54 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 10, 2020, 09:01:59 PM
Job Interview

"So Harry, tell us a bit about yourself"

"Well... My Nan married her cousin, my Dad was friends with Jimmy Saville. Then my Nan killed my Mum and my uncle is a massive paedo".

"We'll be in touch"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 11, 2020, 09:41:40 PM: A man met an older woman at a bar one evening. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he had ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? He asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, 'No, I haven't.' They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
They went back to her place.
They walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2020, 08:42:27 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 11, 2020, 09:41:40 PM
A man met an older woman at a bar one evening. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he had ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? He asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, 'No, I haven't.' They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
They went back to her place.
They walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 12, 2020, 12:55:01 PM: One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 12, 2020, 01:01:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 12, 2020, 12:55:01 PM
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 12, 2020, 07:35:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 12, 2020, 01:01:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 12, 2020, 12:55:01 PM
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 12, 2020, 08:21:42 PM: An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 12, 2020, 09:11:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 12, 2020, 08:21:42 PM
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 13, 2020, 01:12:30 AM: The 1st guy that persuaded a blind person that they need sunglasses must have been a fantastic salesman .... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 13, 2020, 06:43:08 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2020, 01:12:30 AM
The 1st guy that persuaded a blind person that they need sunglasses must have been a fantastic salesman .... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2020, 06:52:30 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 13, 2020, 06:43:08 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 13, 2020, 01:12:30 AM
The 1st guy that persuaded a blind person that they need sunglasses must have been a fantastic salesman .... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2020, 11:29:38 PM: A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2020, 05:30:49 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 13, 2020, 11:29:38 PM
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 14, 2020, 06:23:15 PM: cloud9: angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2020, 10:32:11 PM: The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo died yesterday....... sad24:

His wife is taking it hard ........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 14, 2020, 10:54:57 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2020, 10:32:11 PM
The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo died yesterday....... sad24:

His wife is taking it hard ........ whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2020, 07:50:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 14, 2020, 10:54:57 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2020, 10:32:11 PM
The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo died yesterday....... sad24:

His wife is taking it hard ........ whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 15, 2020, 05:07:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 15, 2020, 07:50:28 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 14, 2020, 10:54:57 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2020, 10:32:11 PM
The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo died yesterday....... sad24:

His wife is taking it hard ........ whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 08:30:32 AM: It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2020, 08:31:46 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 08:30:32 AM
It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered. rubschin:

happy001 redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2020, 10:14:32 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2020, 08:31:46 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 08:30:32 AM
It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered. rubschin:

happy001 redface:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 03:18:46 PM: My dad walked in on me once when I was doing something naughty in my bedroom and he just sighed and said, "you'll go blind if you keep doing that!" And walked out.

So I stopped trying to poke myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank instead!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2020, 03:26:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2020, 10:14:32 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2020, 08:31:46 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 08:30:32 AM
It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered. rubschin:

happy001 redface:
lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2020, 06:55:01 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 03:18:46 PM
My dad walked in on me once when I was doing something naughty in my bedroom and he just sighed and said, "you'll go blind if you keep doing that!" And walked out.

So I stopped trying to poke myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank instead!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2020, 09:12:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 16, 2020, 06:55:01 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 16, 2020, 03:18:46 PM
My dad walked in on me once when I was doing something naughty in my bedroom and he just sighed and said, "you'll go blind if you keep doing that!" And walked out.

So I stopped trying to poke myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wank instead!

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 22, 2020, 12:11:48 AM: Jeremy Bamber says he has an alibi for the White House Farm murders........

Pizza Express in Woking have released at statement saying they weren't even open back then.............. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 22, 2020, 12:22:04 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 22, 2020, 12:11:48 AM
Jeremy Bamber says he has an alibi for the White House Farm murders........

Pizza Express in Woking have released at statement saying they weren't even open back then.............. noooo:
lol: lol: lol:

[serious] have always doubted that case
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 22, 2020, 02:34:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 22, 2020, 12:11:48 AM
Jeremy Bamber says he has an alibi for the White House Farm murders........

Pizza Express in Woking have released at statement saying they weren't even open back then.............. noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 22, 2020, 08:17:24 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81965191_1793270484137596_3802384815446032384_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_oc=AQnwerB782XKfgLQWXAydRm6PxI5c6nUW-Ed92VM71m3VyM9TMXqkErRAi95iRXuUWg&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=2d964e2b32cad15c0b03e9684f23164a&oe=5E8DC2F4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 22, 2020, 08:43:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 22, 2020, 08:17:24 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81965191_1793270484137596_3802384815446032384_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_oc=AQnwerB782XKfgLQWXAydRm6PxI5c6nUW-Ed92VM71m3VyM9TMXqkErRAi95iRXuUWg&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=2d964e2b32cad15c0b03e9684f23164a&oe=5E8DC2F4)

Thumbs:

They would still take that here no questions ........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 22, 2020, 09:27:00 PM: A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2020, 12:16:10 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 22, 2020, 09:27:00 PM
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 23, 2020, 05:15:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2020, 12:16:10 AM
Quote from: Just One More on January 22, 2020, 09:27:00 PM
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2020, 11:55:45 PM: Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2020, 05:35:54 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2020, 11:55:45 PM
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:42:47 AM: The seven Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.
Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think Jeremy Corbyn would make a great Prime Minister".
She says, "Thank f*ck for that, at least Dopey's all right!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2020, 11:14:43 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:42:47 AM
The seven Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.
Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think Jeremy Corbyn would make a great Prime Minister".
She says, "Thank f*ck for that, at least Dopey's all right!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 06:25:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:42:47 AM
The seven Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.
Snow White is worried for their lives, until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think Jeremy Corbyn would make a great Prime Minister".
She says, "Thank f*ck for that, at least Dopey's all right!"

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 09:23:50 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC/Grata.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:06:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 09:23:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC/Grata.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC)

whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2020, 05:24:49 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:06:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 09:23:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC/Grata.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC)

whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 06:58:16 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 25, 2020, 05:24:49 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:06:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 09:23:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC/Grata.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC)

whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 25, 2020, 09:19:31 AM: Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 06:58:16 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 25, 2020, 05:24:49 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 24, 2020, 10:06:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 24, 2020, 09:23:50 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC/Grata.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7G2hkmHC)

whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 25, 2020, 10:01:40 AM: Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you're interested.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 10:36:36 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2020, 10:01:40 AM
Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you're interested.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2020, 01:39:00 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 10:36:36 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2020, 10:01:40 AM
Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you're interested.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 25, 2020, 03:25:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 25, 2020, 01:39:00 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 10:36:36 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2020, 10:01:40 AM
Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you're interested.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 25, 2020, 09:05:42 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 25, 2020, 03:25:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 25, 2020, 01:39:00 PM
Quote from: Just One More on January 25, 2020, 10:36:36 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 25, 2020, 10:01:40 AM
Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you're interested.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 26, 2020, 11:26:30 PM: A boy come home from school at 7pm, his dad says "where the fuck have you been ??".............

He replied "I've been with Chantelle"...........

"Where were you doing ?"............

"We were studying"............

After picking a snack up off the table he says "omg these fish cakes are unreal!!"

His dad says "you might want to wash your hands son, they're donuts".................. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2020, 05:42:09 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 26, 2020, 11:26:30 PM
A boy come home from school at 7pm, his dad says "where the fuck have you been ??".............

He replied "I've been with Chantelle"...........

"Where were you doing ?"............

"We were studying"............

After picking a snack up off the table he says "omg these fish cakes are unreal!!"

His dad says "you might want to wash your hands son, they're donuts".................. noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 27, 2020, 12:28:29 PM: A priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
St Peter to the guy :
''Who are you .... ???? ''
Guy, ''I am an f*cking Italian Bus Driver.....!!!! ''
St Peter, "Take this gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven."
St Peter to the priest,
"who are you.....???? ''
Priest, I am a priest and spent 40 yrs preaching good to people.
St Peter, ''Take this cotton robe and enter heaven. ''
Priest : "St Peter, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a golden robe and I spent all my life preaching good, only get cotton? ''
St Peter, ''Results, my son, results, While you preached, people slept,
When he drove, people REALLY prayed..... It's performance, not position that counts.....!!!!!! “
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2020, 02:59:25 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 27, 2020, 12:28:29 PM
A priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
St Peter to the guy :
''Who are you .... ???? ''
Guy, ''I am an f*cking Italian Bus Driver.....!!!! ''
St Peter, "Take this gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven."
St Peter to the priest,
"who are you.....???? ''
Priest, I am a priest and spent 40 yrs preaching good to people.
St Peter, ''Take this cotton robe and enter heaven. ''
Priest : "St Peter, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a golden robe and I spent all my life preaching good, only get cotton? ''
St Peter, ''Results, my son, results, While you preached, people slept,
When he drove, people REALLY prayed..... It's performance, not position that counts.....!!!!!! “

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 31, 2020, 12:10:31 AM: A female weightlifter goes to the doctors .....

"I've been taking steroids and now I have grown a cock.."........... eeek:

Doctor<.."Anabolic"........ rubschin:

No just a cock ......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 31, 2020, 06:00:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 31, 2020, 12:10:31 AM
A female weightlifter goes to the doctors .....

"I've been taking steroids and now I have grown a cock.."........... eeek:

Doctor<.."Anabolic"........ rubschin:

No just a cock ......... whistle:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 01, 2020, 10:24:52 AM: (https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1506061_10152174878063216_1971008153_n.png?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQn9u_2d3ElehPR00JF_chgn30nzK_R0JXhUSjqE9NgRZJw9N96SsKX-28JcH12vyUc&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=77b729925ad24b2dd0f448af35a93e20&oe=5ECB854E)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2020, 10:49:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2020, 10:24:52 AM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1506061_10152174878063216_1971008153_n.png?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQn9u_2d3ElehPR00JF_chgn30nzK_R0JXhUSjqE9NgRZJw9N96SsKX-28JcH12vyUc&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=77b729925ad24b2dd0f448af35a93e20&oe=5ECB854E)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2020, 03:31:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 27, 2020, 02:59:25 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 27, 2020, 12:28:29 PM
A priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
St Peter to the guy :
''Who are you .... ???? ''
Guy, ''I am an f*cking Italian Bus Driver.....!!!! ''
St Peter, "Take this gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven."
St Peter to the priest,
"who are you.....???? ''
Priest, I am a priest and spent 40 yrs preaching good to people.
St Peter, ''Take this cotton robe and enter heaven. ''
Priest : "St Peter, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a golden robe and I spent all my life preaching good, only get cotton? ''
St Peter, ''Results, my son, results, While you preached, people slept,
When he drove, people REALLY prayed..... It's performance, not position that counts.....!!!!!! “

lol: lol: lol:

Sent this to Miss I. She says I will get slapped next time she is here sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2020, 03:38:24 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 01, 2020, 03:31:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 27, 2020, 02:59:25 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 27, 2020, 12:28:29 PM
A priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
St Peter to the guy :
''Who are you .... ???? ''
Guy, ''I am an f*cking Italian Bus Driver.....!!!! ''
St Peter, "Take this gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven."
St Peter to the priest,
"who are you.....???? ''
Priest, I am a priest and spent 40 yrs preaching good to people.
St Peter, ''Take this cotton robe and enter heaven. ''
Priest : "St Peter, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a golden robe and I spent all my life preaching good, only get cotton? ''
St Peter, ''Results, my son, results, While you preached, people slept,
When he drove, people REALLY prayed..... It's performance, not position that counts.....!!!!!! “

lol: lol: lol:

Sent this to Miss I. She says I will get slapped next time she is here sad32:

point: point: point:

Send it to Mrs. Nick...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 01, 2020, 03:40:09 PM: I am in a different conversation with her eveilgrin:

Miss I has a rather nice way of slapping eyes: eyes:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 01, 2020, 05:11:35 PM: Affs?

Took my grandson up to the lakes for a walk last summer, and he said "grandad why are the lakes so big?"..
I said "I don't know boy," then he said "grandad why is the grass so green?"
I said "I haven't got a clue".. then he said "grandad why is the sun so hot?"
I said "god knows"... so after a few minutes he said "grandad you don't mind me asking you all these questions do you?"..
I said "of course not... if you don't ask questions you'll never learn anything"......
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 01, 2020, 05:21:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 01, 2020, 10:49:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2020, 10:24:52 AM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1506061_10152174878063216_1971008153_n.png?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQn9u_2d3ElehPR00JF_chgn30nzK_R0JXhUSjqE9NgRZJw9N96SsKX-28JcH12vyUc&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=77b729925ad24b2dd0f448af35a93e20&oe=5ECB854E)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 01, 2020, 05:23:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2020, 05:11:35 PM
Affs?

Took my grandson up to the lakes for a walk last summer, and he said "grandad why are the lakes so big?"..
I said "I don't know boy," then he said "grandad why is the grass so green?"
I said "I haven't got a clue".. then he said "grandad why is the sun so hot?"
I said "god knows"... so after a few minutes he said "grandad you don't mind me asking you all these questions do you?"..
I said "of course not... if you don't ask questions you'll never learn anything"......

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 01, 2020, 06:18:17 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2020, 05:23:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2020, 05:11:35 PM
Affs?

Took my grandson up to the lakes for a walk last summer, and he said "grandad why are the lakes so big?"..
I said "I don't know boy," then he said "grandad why is the grass so green?"
I said "I haven't got a clue".. then he said "grandad why is the sun so hot?"
I said "god knows"... so after a few minutes he said "grandad you don't mind me asking you all these questions do you?"..
I said "of course not... if you don't ask questions you'll never learn anything"......

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 01, 2020, 08:18:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 01, 2020, 06:18:17 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 01, 2020, 05:23:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 01, 2020, 05:11:35 PM
Affs?

Took my grandson up to the lakes for a walk last summer, and he said "grandad why are the lakes so big?"..
I said "I don't know boy," then he said "grandad why is the grass so green?"
I said "I haven't got a clue".. then he said "grandad why is the sun so hot?"
I said "god knows"... so after a few minutes he said "grandad you don't mind me asking you all these questions do you?"..
I said "of course not... if you don't ask questions you'll never learn anything"......

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 03, 2020, 02:01:45 PM: You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands,

For instance, If they're around your Throat, she's probably slightly upset.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 03, 2020, 02:07:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 03, 2020, 02:01:45 PM
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands,

For instance, If they're around your Throat, she's probably slightly upset.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2020, 04:38:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2020, 02:07:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 03, 2020, 02:01:45 PM
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands,

For instance, If they're around your Throat, she's probably slightly upset.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 03, 2020, 05:38:36 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 03, 2020, 04:38:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 03, 2020, 02:07:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 03, 2020, 02:01:45 PM
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands,

For instance, If they're around your Throat, she's probably slightly upset.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 05, 2020, 05:54:15 PM: Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they may have to amputate my right leg."

Wife: "Who's Sabrina?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 05, 2020, 06:07:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2020, 05:54:15 PM
Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they may have to amputate my right leg."

Wife: "Who's Sabrina?"

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 05, 2020, 06:10:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2020, 06:07:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2020, 05:54:15 PM
Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they may have to amputate my right leg."

Wife: "Who's Sabrina?"

;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 05, 2020, 10:38:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 05, 2020, 06:10:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 05, 2020, 06:07:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2020, 05:54:15 PM
Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they may have to amputate my right leg."

Wife: "Who's Sabrina?"

;D ;D

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2020, 06:52:40 PM: My wife wanted to embarass me in front of her friends by saying I wasn't good in bed.

She was quite shocked when they all disagreed with her.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2020, 06:01:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 09, 2020, 06:52:40 PM
My wife wanted to embarass me in front of her friends by saying I wasn't good in bed.

She was quite shocked when they all disagreed with her.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 11, 2020, 03:06:49 PM: A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 11, 2020, 03:10:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 11, 2020, 03:06:49 PM
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 11, 2020, 04:11:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 11, 2020, 03:10:54 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 11, 2020, 03:06:49 PM
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 11, 2020, 08:46:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 11, 2020, 04:11:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 11, 2020, 03:10:54 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 11, 2020, 03:06:49 PM
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2020, 07:53:35 AM: My uncle died recently in some rather unfortunate circumstances.

He had a few ‘specialist’ sexual tastes that were well known and frequently hinted at darkly during family gatherings - something that was a perpetual embarrassment to his poor wife.

One night, while his wife was at bingo, he was experimenting with a large plastic Superman figurine, inserting into the places that only customs officials would usually dare to explore. Sadly it went in too far and despite his best efforts with a pliers, it became lodged in his colon.

Panicking, he drove himself to hospital where he endured several hours of exploratory surgery. Despite all the efforts of the surgeons, there were complications and he died a few days later.

We did our best to comfort his wife and didn’t let on that we knew. Unfortunately, one of our friends had a typically British sense of humour and chose the perfect song to play at his funeral.

M People’s “You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself”.

Some people think that was bad taste.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:12:43 AM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 07:53:35 AM
My uncle died recently in some rather unfortunate circumstances.

He had a few ‘specialist’ sexual tastes that were well known and frequently hinted at darkly during family gatherings - something that was a perpetual embarrassment to his poor wife.

One night, while his wife was at bingo, he was experimenting with a large plastic Superman figurine, inserting into the places that only customs officials would usually dare to explore. Sadly it went in too far and despite his best efforts with a pliers, it became lodged in his colon.

Panicking, he drove himself to hospital where he endured several hours of exploratory surgery. Despite all the efforts of the surgeons, there were complications and he died a few days later.

We did our best to comfort his wife and didn’t let on that we knew. Unfortunately, one of our friends had a typically British sense of humour and chose the perfect song to play at his funeral.

M People’s “You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself”.

Some people think that was bad taste.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:13:54 AM: Earworm now... evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2020, 10:30:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:12:43 AM
Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 07:53:35 AM
My uncle died recently in some rather unfortunate circumstances.

He had a few ‘specialist’ sexual tastes that were well known and frequently hinted at darkly during family gatherings - something that was a perpetual embarrassment to his poor wife.

One night, while his wife was at bingo, he was experimenting with a large plastic Superman figurine, inserting into the places that only customs officials would usually dare to explore. Sadly it went in too far and despite his best efforts with a pliers, it became lodged in his colon.

Panicking, he drove himself to hospital where he endured several hours of exploratory surgery. Despite all the efforts of the surgeons, there were complications and he died a few days later.

We did our best to comfort his wife and didn’t let on that we knew. Unfortunately, one of our friends had a typically British sense of humour and chose the perfect song to play at his funeral.

M People’s “You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself”.

Some people think that was bad taste.

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM: (https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 12:23:15 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)

;D ;D

Uncle........ cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 12:42:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 12:23:15 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)

;D ;D

Uncle........ cloud9:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 12, 2020, 02:37:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 12:42:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 12:23:15 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)

;D ;D

Uncle........ cloud9:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2020, 05:06:42 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 12, 2020, 02:37:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 12:42:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 12:23:15 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)

;D ;D

Uncle........ cloud9:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2020, 05:13:44 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP/king.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 12, 2020, 05:33:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 05:06:42 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 12, 2020, 02:37:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 12:42:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 12:23:15 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 12, 2020, 12:05:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ulqhxZ9.jpg)

;D ;D

Uncle........ cloud9:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 12, 2020, 05:35:54 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 05:13:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP/king.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2020, 05:45:05 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 12, 2020, 05:35:54 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 05:13:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP/king.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 05:48:33 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 05:13:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP/king.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sMqdf2rP)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM: I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:04:49 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM
I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 08:06:22 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:04:49 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM
I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 12, 2020, 08:07:15 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:04:49 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM
I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:

Pity you forgot the anniversary whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:10:41 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 12, 2020, 08:07:15 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:04:49 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM
I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:

Pity you forgot the anniversary whistle:

cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 12, 2020, 08:21:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2020, 08:06:22 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2020, 08:04:49 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 12, 2020, 07:57:15 PM
I was telling my friend I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
He said, “Really?! What got her so upset?”
I replied,“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2020, 11:29:25 AM: Affs?

An Elderly Italian Man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the Local Church for Confession.

When the Priest slid open the door to the Confessional, the Man said, "Father forgive me for I have Sinned.
During World War II, a Beautiful Jewish Woman from our Neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, So I hid her in my attic."
The Priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to Confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with Sexual Favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The Priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in Great Danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily Succumb to the Weakness of the Flesh.
However, if you are Truly Sorry for your actions, you are Indeed Forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the Priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2020, 12:31:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2020, 11:29:25 AM
Affs?

An Elderly Italian Man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the Local Church for Confession.

When the Priest slid open the door to the Confessional, the Man said, "Father forgive me for I have Sinned.
During World War II, a Beautiful Jewish Woman from our Neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, So I hid her in my attic."
The Priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to Confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with Sexual Favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The Priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in Great Danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily Succumb to the Weakness of the Flesh.
However, if you are Truly Sorry for your actions, you are Indeed Forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the Priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Yes an AFFS but still lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 13, 2020, 06:03:27 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2020, 06:37:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2020, 06:03:27 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 13, 2020, 10:00:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2020, 06:37:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2020, 06:03:27 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2020, 10:46:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 13, 2020, 10:00:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2020, 06:37:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2020, 06:03:27 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 13, 2020, 11:42:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2020, 10:46:08 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 13, 2020, 10:00:42 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 13, 2020, 06:37:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 13, 2020, 06:03:27 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 13, 2020, 05:48:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/D8XwCg50/whoops.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D8XwCg50)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 16, 2020, 01:43:26 PM: Since he came out, Phillip Schofield's Twitter account has been plagued with trolls.............

Ignore them Phil, some people just like to stir the shit............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2020, 02:09:00 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 16, 2020, 01:43:26 PM
Since he came out, Phillip Schofield's Twitter account has been plagued with trolls.............

Ignore them Phil, some people just like to stir the shit............ noooo:

lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 18, 2020, 08:53:45 PM: Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.........

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. ".......

Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"........ cussing:

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! ".......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 18, 2020, 09:47:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 18, 2020, 08:53:45 PM
Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.........

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. ".......

Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"........ cussing:

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! ".......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 19, 2020, 05:22:25 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 18, 2020, 09:47:02 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 18, 2020, 08:53:45 PM
Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.........

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. ".......

Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"........ cussing:

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! ".......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 19, 2020, 12:36:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 19, 2020, 05:22:25 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 18, 2020, 09:47:02 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 18, 2020, 08:53:45 PM
Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.........

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. ".......

Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"........ cussing:

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! ".......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 21, 2020, 11:24:43 AM: A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 22, 2020, 09:35:02 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 21, 2020, 11:24:43 AM
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 22, 2020, 10:07:15 AM: Well done to all the celebrities who showed their support for young Quaden Bayles.....................

It's good to see he's happy and not grumpy anymore............ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2020, 10:13:16 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 22, 2020, 10:07:15 AM
Well done to all the celebrities who showed their support for young Quaden Bayles.....................

It's good to see he's happy and not grumpy anymore............ whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 22, 2020, 10:22:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 22, 2020, 10:13:16 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 22, 2020, 10:07:15 AM
Well done to all the celebrities who showed their support for young Quaden Bayles.....................

It's good to see he's happy and not grumpy anymore............ whistle:

happy001

happy001 happy001 redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 22, 2020, 09:38:36 PM: A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mom said We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 22, 2020, 09:47:35 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2020, 09:38:36 PM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mom said We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 22, 2020, 11:36:25 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 22, 2020, 09:47:35 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2020, 09:38:36 PM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mom said We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2020, 05:19:49 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 22, 2020, 11:36:25 PM
Quote from: Just One More on February 22, 2020, 09:47:35 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 22, 2020, 09:38:36 PM
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mom said We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 23, 2020, 07:00:57 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/SX4Y2QZK/BOB.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/SX4Y2QZK)

whistle: BM special...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2020, 07:34:25 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 23, 2020, 07:00:57 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/SX4Y2QZK/BOB.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/SX4Y2QZK)

whistle: BM special...

AFFS!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2020, 07:53:41 PM: Not sure if AFFS (.. evil: )..

Moderator : Your word is "seaward"......

Spelling bee contestant .." C U N ........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 25, 2020, 08:19:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2020, 07:53:41 PM
Not sure if AFFS (.. evil: )..

Moderator : Your word is "seaward"......

Spelling bee contestant .." C U N ........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 25, 2020, 08:59:11 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 25, 2020, 08:19:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 25, 2020, 07:53:41 PM
Not sure if AFFS (.. evil: )..

Moderator : Your word is "seaward"......

Spelling bee contestant .." C U N ........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 28, 2020, 04:49:15 PM: The Who: with all your recent public health announcements about the Corona Virus in the news, now might also be a good time to plug your next album.......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2020, 05:01:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 28, 2020, 04:49:15 PM
The Who: with all your recent public health announcements about the Corona Virus in the news, now might also be a good time to plug your next album.......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 28, 2020, 05:44:55 PM: Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 28, 2020, 08:24:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 28, 2020, 05:01:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 28, 2020, 04:49:15 PM
The Who: with all your recent public health announcements about the Corona Virus in the news, now might also be a good time to plug your next album.......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 28, 2020, 09:30:19 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 28, 2020, 08:24:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 28, 2020, 05:01:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 28, 2020, 04:49:15 PM
The Who: with all your recent public health announcements about the Corona Virus in the news, now might also be a good time to plug your next album.......... Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 28, 2020, 10:58:44 PM: Quote from: Nick on February 28, 2020, 05:44:55 PM
Shrugs:
A popular beat-combo, I am told.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 28, 2020, 11:23:45 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 28, 2020, 10:58:44 PM
Quote from: Nick on February 28, 2020, 05:44:55 PM
Shrugs:
A popular beat-combo, I am told.

Thumbs:

One of them is quite popular with kids ..ALLEGEDLY..... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 02:25:08 PM: BM: I can't get an erection.....

DOCTOR: Do you struggle with the booze?

BM [looks at LL] The booing is bad but the slow hand-clap's even worse................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 01, 2020, 03:53:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 02:25:08 PM
BM: I can't get an erection.....

DOCTOR: Do you struggle with the booze?

BM [looks at LL] The booing is bad but the slow hand-clap's even worse................

lol: lol: lol: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 01, 2020, 05:45:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 01, 2020, 03:53:02 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 02:25:08 PM
BM: I can't get an erection.....

DOCTOR: Do you struggle with the booze?

BM [looks at LL] The booing is bad but the slow hand-clap's even worse................

lol: lol: lol: evil:

lol: lol: lol: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 01, 2020, 06:08:17 PM: Thank god for the blue pills cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 06:59:49 PM: In the cemetary , I saw 4 blokes carrying a coffin around ...

Went past an hour later ..same blokes ..same coffin still wandering around......

I thought .." They've f888ing lost the plot .."........... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 01, 2020, 07:46:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 06:59:49 PM
In the cemetary , I saw 4 blokes carrying a coffin around ...

Went past an hour later ..same blokes ..same coffin still wandering around......

I thought .." They've f888ing lost the plot .."........... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2020, 05:13:10 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 01, 2020, 07:46:50 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 01, 2020, 06:59:49 PM
In the cemetary , I saw 4 blokes carrying a coffin around ...

Went past an hour later ..same blokes ..same coffin still wandering around......

I thought .." They've f888ing lost the plot .."........... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 02, 2020, 08:34:19 PM: Joined the Tourette’s suffers group last night.....

..took me four fucking hours to get sworn in................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 02, 2020, 08:42:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2020, 08:34:19 PM
Joined the Tourette’s suffers group last night.....

..took me four fucking hours to get sworn in................ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 02, 2020, 10:34:56 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 02, 2020, 08:42:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2020, 08:34:19 PM
Joined the Tourette’s suffers group last night.....

..took me four fucking hours to get sworn in................ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2020, 11:56:30 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 02, 2020, 10:34:56 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 02, 2020, 08:42:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2020, 08:34:19 PM
Joined the Tourette’s suffers group last night.....

..took me four fucking hours to get sworn in................ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 03, 2020, 05:52:15 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2020, 11:56:30 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 02, 2020, 10:34:56 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 02, 2020, 08:42:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 02, 2020, 08:34:19 PM
Joined the Tourette’s suffers group last night.....

..took me four fucking hours to get sworn in................ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 04, 2020, 11:03:43 PM: Two lads from Liverpool are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel......

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...........

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam................. eeek:

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum.".............. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2020, 04:56:05 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 04, 2020, 11:03:43 PM
Two lads from Liverpool are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel......

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...........

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam................. eeek:

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum.".............. Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 05, 2020, 05:27:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 05, 2020, 04:56:05 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 04, 2020, 11:03:43 PM
Two lads from Liverpool are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel......

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...........

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam................. eeek:

"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum.".............. Thumbs:

happy001

happy001 happy001

Quote
minge like a vandalised bus seat?

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2020, 12:10:14 PM: happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 07, 2020, 05:56:26 PM: A Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Who the fuck loses to Watford?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2020, 07:21:16 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 07, 2020, 05:56:26 PM
A Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Who the fuck loses to Watford?

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2020, 07:56:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2020, 07:21:16 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 07, 2020, 05:56:26 PM
A Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Who the fuck loses to Watford?

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2020, 05:12:57 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 07, 2020, 07:56:54 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2020, 07:21:16 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 07, 2020, 05:56:26 PM
A Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Who the fuck loses to Watford?

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 06:36:18 AM: I said to misty, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"...

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it...? She was feeding him Quavers".......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2020, 06:59:13 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 06:36:18 AM
I said to misty, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"...

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it...? She was feeding him Quavers".......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 08, 2020, 01:38:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 08, 2020, 06:59:13 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 06:36:18 AM
I said to misty, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son"...

She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural"...

I replied, "I don't know what's so fucking natural about it...? She was feeding him Quavers".......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 09:42:44 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/vgQgskDH/Tipping.png) (https://postimg.cc/vgQgskDH)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2020, 09:42:21 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/gwsnR7mv/thumbnail-IMG-0360.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gwsnR7mv)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2020, 04:22:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 09:42:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/vgQgskDH/Tipping.png) (https://postimg.cc/vgQgskDH)

I just got it... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2020, 04:45:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 10, 2020, 04:22:22 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 09:42:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/vgQgskDH/Tipping.png) (https://postimg.cc/vgQgskDH)

I just got it... redface:
I haven't yet redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2020, 05:55:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2020, 04:45:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 10, 2020, 04:22:22 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 09:42:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/vgQgskDH/Tipping.png) (https://postimg.cc/vgQgskDH)

I just got it... redface:
I haven't yet redface: redface:

Cow Tipping (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cow_tipping) is a thing in Merica apparently...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2020, 07:18:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 10, 2020, 05:55:11 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2020, 04:45:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 10, 2020, 04:22:22 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 08, 2020, 09:42:44 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/vgQgskDH/Tipping.png) (https://postimg.cc/vgQgskDH)

I just got it... redface:
I haven't yet redface: redface:

Cow Tipping (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cow_tipping) is a thing in Merica apparently...
tar
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2020, 07:18:47 PM: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 10, 2020, 07:41:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2020, 07:18:47 PM
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 10, 2020, 07:59:27 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 10, 2020, 07:41:28 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 10, 2020, 07:18:47 PM
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 10, 2020, 08:50:02 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y/Corona-cd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2020, 09:22:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 10, 2020, 08:50:02 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y/Corona-cd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y)
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 11, 2020, 12:07:19 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2020, 09:22:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 10, 2020, 08:50:02 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y/Corona-cd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y)
happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2020, 04:45:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 11, 2020, 12:07:19 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 10, 2020, 09:22:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 10, 2020, 08:50:02 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y/Corona-cd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Yv8L7X9y)
happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 11, 2020, 06:08:27 PM: What to do if you get lost in a forest.
Find a hedgehog.
Follow it, and you will be in the middle of a road in no time.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2020, 06:11:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 11, 2020, 06:08:27 PM
What to do if you get lost in a forest.
Find a hedgehog.
Follow it, and you will be in the middle of a road in no time.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 11, 2020, 06:46:23 PM: NEWS JUST IN!

Due to panic buying Lidl has opened till three!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2020, 06:47:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 11, 2020, 06:46:23 PM
NEWS JUST IN!

Due to panic buying Lidl has opened till three!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2020, 06:54:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 11, 2020, 06:47:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 11, 2020, 06:46:23 PM
NEWS JUST IN!

Due to panic buying Lidl has opened till three!

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 11, 2020, 08:30:11 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/jW35TLt7/Africa.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jW35TLt7)

redface: whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 11, 2020, 08:52:11 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 11, 2020, 08:30:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jW35TLt7/Africa.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jW35TLt7)

redface: whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 12, 2020, 09:26:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 11, 2020, 08:52:11 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 11, 2020, 08:30:11 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jW35TLt7/Africa.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jW35TLt7)

redface: whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2020, 11:15:41 AM: Just found out my uncle has left me and my Brother stately homes in his will.
We have no idea where Sod Hall or fuck hall are, I'm just off to Google it now!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2020, 11:21:16 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2020, 11:15:41 AM
Just found out my uncle has left me and my Brother stately homes in his will.
We have no idea where Sod Hall or fuck hall are, I'm just off to Google it now!

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 13, 2020, 07:22:51 PM: Anyone want to buy 1000 mini sausage rolls , 500 mini pork pies and 500 bags of cheesy wotsits?..................

Turns out I misread the headlines when I read everyone was picnic buying............. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 13, 2020, 10:47:21 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 13, 2020, 07:22:51 PM
Anyone want to buy 1000 mini sausage rolls , 500 mini pork pies and 500 bags of cheesy wotsits?..................

Turns out I misread the headlines when I read everyone was picnic buying............. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 14, 2020, 11:36:44 AM: Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2020, 11:39:37 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 14, 2020, 11:36:44 AM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2020, 09:55:38 AM: 3 months into 2020 and already we've lost Kobe Bryant and Caroline Flack.

Philip Schofield comes onto social media and openly admits that he’s GAY, HARVEY WEINSTEIN IS A NONSE!

Australia fucking set on fire, WW3 was like legit just around the corner, several storms have hit us harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna.

Harry and Meghan have left the Royal Family, we’ve fucking left the EU, China's developed a virus which has found its way to Chorley, UK super markets are out of shit roll n pasta, were about to fall into deep recession, my mums washing her hands every 2 minutes and I've just seen a woman walking her chocolate lab and they both had fucking masks on!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 15, 2020, 11:18:49 AM: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 15, 2020, 12:27:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2020, 09:55:38 AM
3 months into 2020 and already we've lost Kobe Bryant and Caroline Flack.

Philip Schofield comes onto social media and openly admits that he’s GAY, HARVEY WEINSTEIN IS A NONSE!

Australia fucking set on fire, WW3 was like legit just around the corner, several storms have hit us harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna.

Harry and Meghan have left the Royal Family, we’ve fucking left the EU, China's developed a virus which has found its way to Chorley, UK super markets are out of shit roll n pasta, were about to fall into deep recession, my mums washing her hands every 2 minutes and I've just seen a woman walking her chocolate lab and they both had fucking masks on!!

I declare this post invalied - it's not a joke.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2020, 02:48:16 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger (Orderer of the Guinness) on March 15, 2020, 12:27:55 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2020, 09:55:38 AM
3 months into 2020 and already we've lost Kobe Bryant and Caroline Flack.

Philip Schofield comes onto social media and openly admits that he’s GAY, HARVEY WEINSTEIN IS A NONSE!

Australia fucking set on fire, WW3 was like legit just around the corner, several storms have hit us harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna.

Harry and Meghan have left the Royal Family, we’ve fucking left the EU, China's developed a virus which has found its way to Chorley, UK super markets are out of shit roll n pasta, were about to fall into deep recession, my mums washing her hands every 2 minutes and I've just seen a woman walking her chocolate lab and they both had fucking masks on!!

I declare this post invalied - it's not a joke.

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 15, 2020, 11:27:21 PM: Diane Abbott announces she's tested positive for VODIC-91............. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2020, 04:53:04 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 15, 2020, 11:27:21 PM
Diane Abbott announces she's tested positive for VODIC-91............. whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2020, 05:54:43 PM: A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you, Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up,'"the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2020, 06:04:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 16, 2020, 05:54:43 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you, Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up,'"the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 17, 2020, 10:52:45 AM: It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 17, 2020, 12:33:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 17, 2020, 10:52:45 AM
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 17, 2020, 06:22:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 17, 2020, 12:33:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 17, 2020, 10:52:45 AM
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
lol:

Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 17, 2020, 07:15:10 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 17, 2020, 06:22:54 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 17, 2020, 12:33:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 17, 2020, 10:52:45 AM
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
lol:

Thumbs: Thumbs:
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 18, 2020, 11:23:01 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ/Waldo.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2020, 12:48:27 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 18, 2020, 11:23:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ/Waldo.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ)

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2020, 06:00:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2020, 12:48:27 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 18, 2020, 11:23:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ/Waldo.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ)

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 19, 2020, 10:45:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2020, 06:00:28 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2020, 12:48:27 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 18, 2020, 11:23:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ/Waldo.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/wy69ByxZ)

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 20, 2020, 01:15:18 PM: I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies,
not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Aldi!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 20, 2020, 01:19:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 20, 2020, 01:15:18 PM
I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies,
not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Aldi!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 20, 2020, 01:24:33 PM: https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 20, 2020, 01:26:40 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 20, 2020, 01:24:33 PM
https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 20, 2020, 08:00:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 20, 2020, 01:26:40 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 20, 2020, 01:24:33 PM
https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0 (https://www.facebook.com/james.collett.581/videos/3348172515198586/?t=0)

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 21, 2020, 01:27:45 AM: A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 4:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been" !!

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands....

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again ......................!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2020, 05:28:23 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 21, 2020, 01:27:45 AM
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 4:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been" !!

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands....

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again ......................!!!!!

lol: lol: lol:

I'm sure it was golf the last time... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 21, 2020, 08:41:06 AM: Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks..................... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 21, 2020, 09:16:44 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 21, 2020, 05:28:23 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 21, 2020, 01:27:45 AM
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 4:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been" !!

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands....

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again ......................!!!!!

lol: lol: lol:

I'm sure it was golf the last time... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 21, 2020, 01:54:50 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 21, 2020, 09:16:44 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 21, 2020, 05:28:23 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 21, 2020, 01:27:45 AM
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 4:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been" !!

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands....

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again ......................!!!!!

lol: lol: lol:

I'm sure it was golf the last time... rubschin:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

but surely that is Affs 135.0
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 22, 2020, 01:29:46 PM: At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !

No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor

And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !

Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

Stolen... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 22, 2020, 08:10:16 PM: There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time. It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 22, 2020, 08:18:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 22, 2020, 08:10:16 PM
There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time. It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 22, 2020, 08:20:36 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/hJPVGdvh/Lysol.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hJPVGdvh)

Please be safe out there
.
Some weirdo just knocked on my door and told me he would give me a can of Lysol if I showed him my butthole. Then he took off in that direction..........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 22, 2020, 08:22:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 22, 2020, 08:20:36 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/hJPVGdvh/Lysol.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hJPVGdvh)

Please be safe out there
.
Some weirdo just knocked on my door and told me he would give me a can of Lysol if I showed him my butthole. Then he took off in that direction..........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 23, 2020, 06:36:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 22, 2020, 08:18:18 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 22, 2020, 08:10:16 PM
There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time. It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 23, 2020, 08:44:49 AM: ***IMPORTANT***

Be careful, there's a link going round for a live stream of Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a gig live from his home.

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - It will take you to a live stream of Chris Martin doing a gig live from his home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 23, 2020, 09:13:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 23, 2020, 08:44:49 AM
***IMPORTANT***

Be careful, there's a link going round for a live stream of Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a gig live from his home.

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - It will take you to a live stream of Chris Martin doing a gig live from his home.

Thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 23, 2020, 11:12:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 23, 2020, 08:44:49 AM
***IMPORTANT***

Be careful, there's a link going round for a live stream of Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a gig live from his home.

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - It will take you to a live stream of Chris Martin doing a gig live from his home.

lol: Surely it can't be any worse than the Madonna fish song...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 23, 2020, 02:00:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 23, 2020, 09:13:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 23, 2020, 08:44:49 AM
***IMPORTANT***

Be careful, there's a link going round for a live stream of Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a gig live from his home.

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - It will take you to a live stream of Chris Martin doing a gig live from his home.

Thumbs: ;D
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 23, 2020, 08:07:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 23, 2020, 02:00:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 23, 2020, 09:13:40 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 23, 2020, 08:44:49 AM
***IMPORTANT***

Be careful, there's a link going round for a live stream of Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a gig live from his home.

DO NOT CLICK THE LINK - It will take you to a live stream of Chris Martin doing a gig live from his home.

Thumbs: ;D
lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 24, 2020, 12:46:38 PM: https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/school-kid-who-didnt-revise-and-prayed-for-a-miracle-scared-of-his-own-powers-20200320194731

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 24, 2020, 01:05:17 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on March 24, 2020, 12:46:38 PM
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/school-kid-who-didnt-revise-and-prayed-for-a-miracle-scared-of-his-own-powers-20200320194731

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:48:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 24, 2020, 01:05:17 PM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on March 24, 2020, 12:46:38 PM
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/school-kid-who-didnt-revise-and-prayed-for-a-miracle-scared-of-his-own-powers-20200320194731

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM: Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 24, 2020, 03:51:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?

Don't be daft, civilisation could end and DFS would still have a sale for the denizens of the mutant cockroach empire that came after us. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 24, 2020, 03:57:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?

drumroll:

And when McDs re-opens ....will it be ."Return of the Mac "........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 24, 2020, 04:23:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 24, 2020, 03:57:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?

drumroll:

And when McDs re-opens ....will it be ."Return of the Mac "........ rubschin:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 24, 2020, 08:04:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 04:23:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 24, 2020, 03:57:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?

drumroll:

And when McDs re-opens ....will it be ."Return of the Mac "........ rubschin:
drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 24, 2020, 10:48:11 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 24, 2020, 08:04:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 04:23:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 24, 2020, 03:57:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2020, 03:49:21 PM
Does the lockdown mean that the DFS sale has finally ended?

drumroll:

And when McDs re-opens ....will it be ."Return of the Mac "........ rubschin:
drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 26, 2020, 08:39:10 AM: Miss I says this is "gold", especially if you recognise the local dialects (which I don't)

https://god.dailydot.com/italian-mayors-quarantine-viral-video/ (https://god.dailydot.com/italian-mayors-quarantine-viral-video/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 26, 2020, 11:22:42 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 26, 2020, 08:39:10 AM
Miss I says this is "gold", especially if you recognise the local dialects (which I don't)

https://god.dailydot.com/italian-mayors-quarantine-viral-video/ (https://god.dailydot.com/italian-mayors-quarantine-viral-video/)

Does it include the words "sleep" and "fishes"?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 26, 2020, 11:37:22 AM: ::)

"Dog with an inflamed prostate" happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 26, 2020, 12:13:34 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 26, 2020, 11:37:22 AM
::)

"Dog with an inflamed prostate" happy002 happy002
lol: lol: lol:

Invest in dog futures, you know it makes scents
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 26, 2020, 06:06:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2020, 12:13:34 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 26, 2020, 11:37:22 AM
::)

"Dog with an inflamed prostate" happy002 happy002
lol: lol: lol:

Invest in dog futures, you know it makes scents

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 26, 2020, 06:24:21 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 26, 2020, 06:06:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2020, 12:13:34 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 26, 2020, 11:37:22 AM
::)

"Dog with an inflamed prostate" happy002 happy002
lol: lol: lol:

Invest in dog futures, you know it makes scents

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 26, 2020, 09:51:17 PM: I just went out the front to put the bins out about 8 and everyone gave me a round of applause!..................

Good to know the neighbours appreciate me................ cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 26, 2020, 10:11:45 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 26, 2020, 09:51:17 PM
I just went out the front to put the bins out about 8 and everyone gave me a round of applause!..................

Good to know the neighbours appreciate me................ cloud9:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2020, 05:31:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2020, 10:11:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 26, 2020, 09:51:17 PM
I just went out the front to put the bins out about 8 and everyone gave me a round of applause!..................

Good to know the neighbours appreciate me................ cloud9:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 27, 2020, 08:51:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2020, 05:31:30 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2020, 10:11:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 26, 2020, 09:51:17 PM
I just went out the front to put the bins out about 8 and everyone gave me a round of applause!..................

Good to know the neighbours appreciate me................ cloud9:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 27, 2020, 06:06:19 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 27, 2020, 08:51:38 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2020, 05:31:30 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 26, 2020, 10:11:45 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 26, 2020, 09:51:17 PM
I just went out the front to put the bins out about 8 and everyone gave me a round of applause!..................

Good to know the neighbours appreciate me................ cloud9:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM: Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:13:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:24:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:13:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Just had a thought ..this should be in .."Coming up on the box"..... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:25:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:24:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:13:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Just had a thought ..this should be in .."Coming up on the box"..... redface:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on March 28, 2020, 03:58:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:25:36 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:24:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:13:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Just had a thought ..this should be in .."Coming up on the box"..... redface:

drumroll:

Given the state of your arm and the likely friction burns I'd have thought the Medical Centre would be a better choice. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2020, 04:21:32 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2020, 04:29:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

Have you managed to get wood yet...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 04:32:48 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 04:29:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

Have you managed to get wood yet...? rubschin:

drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 28, 2020, 06:19:00 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4/Adams-Sands.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 06:20:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 28, 2020, 06:19:00 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4/Adams-Sands.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4)

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 07:02:47 PM: https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/1091080241245263/?t=6

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 11:57:35 PM: To celebrate all the brave delivery drivers still working , we should all go outside and clap .....

I suggest we all do it .....anytime between 7am and 8 30 pm ........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on March 29, 2020, 03:34:57 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:24:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2020, 03:13:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 03:06:02 PM
Hi folks, I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if you or anyone you know had any porn sites they'd like to recommend other than:
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole
Xvideos
PornHub
Xtube
Ass parade
Brazzers
xHamster
XNXX
YouPorn
YouJizz
TastyBlacks
HClips
TnaFlix
Tube8
Spankbang
DrTuber
Spankwire
KeezMovies
Nuvid
SunPorno
BravoTube
PornHD
Eporner
SexVid
XXXBunker
TheNewPorn
Mofosex...
PornDreamer
X18 Xbabe
UpdateTube
BeFuck
Hdmovz
PornRox
PornMaki
Pornid
Inxporn
TopFreePornVideos
Slutload
ProPorn
FakePorn
Pornhost
HandjobHub
Vpornvideos
MyXVids
Pornicom
DansMovies
Wetplace
AdultFreex
Wankflix
88fuck
Fapdu
Rude
FreudBox
AdultInc
PornHeed
HdPorn
Orgasm
PornRabbit
MadThumbs
Fux Eroxia
DeviantClip
Xxvids
H2porn
ApeTube
MetaPorn
YourLustMovies
ElephantTube Long
PornerBros
Tubegalore
3movs Ass-Time
HQButt
BangBus
BangBros
Ghetto tube
RedTube
BrickHouseButts
GhettoGaggers
GloryHole

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:

Just had a thought ..this should be in .."Coming up on the box"..... redface:

...or "BM goes to bed early"...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2020, 07:48:07 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 28, 2020, 06:19:00 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4/Adams-Sands.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/1f0KTZq4)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2020, 07:48:57 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2020, 11:57:35 PM
To celebrate all the brave delivery drivers still working , we should all go outside and clap .....

I suggest we all do it .....anytime between 7am and 8 30 pm ........ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2020, 08:31:20 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/N9hG4kTS/91161758-10220527098220298-5326011720534065152-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/N9hG4kTS)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2020, 12:05:23 PM: I bought my Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday.
But when I went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
I asked Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2020, 12:12:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 29, 2020, 12:05:23 PM
I bought my Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday.
But when I went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
I asked Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

lol: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2020, 06:13:05 PM: Now we're in lockdown I'm having sex almost every day ..
almost on a Monday almost on a Tuesday almost on .....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 29, 2020, 06:51:49 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/S2g4ZQGz/Black-dad.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/S2g4ZQGz)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 30, 2020, 05:21:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 29, 2020, 06:51:49 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/S2g4ZQGz/Black-dad.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/S2g4ZQGz)

whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 30, 2020, 11:37:01 AM: My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone,
he even threw his faeces on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 30, 2020, 11:39:46 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 30, 2020, 11:37:01 AM
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone,
he even threw his faeces on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 30, 2020, 12:27:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 30, 2020, 11:39:46 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 30, 2020, 11:37:01 AM
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone,
he even threw his faeces on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 30, 2020, 07:36:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 30, 2020, 12:27:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 30, 2020, 11:39:46 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 30, 2020, 11:37:01 AM
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone,
he even threw his faeces on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 31, 2020, 12:51:09 PM: Day 9 of the quarantine.
My Wife called out from the other room and asked if I have a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing me.
I said "No."
She responded, "how about now."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2020, 12:52:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 31, 2020, 12:51:09 PM
Day 9 of the quarantine.
My Wife called out from the other room and asked if I have a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing me.
I said "No."
She responded, "how about now."

lol: lol: lol: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2020, 04:00:22 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/KKzqYCKz/Deaf-club.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/KKzqYCKz)

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 31, 2020, 04:53:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 31, 2020, 12:52:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 31, 2020, 12:51:09 PM
Day 9 of the quarantine.
My Wife called out from the other room and asked if I have a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing me.
I said "No."
She responded, "how about now."

lol: lol: lol: scared2:

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2020, 06:11:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 31, 2020, 04:00:22 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/KKzqYCKz/Deaf-club.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/KKzqYCKz)

whistle:

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 01, 2020, 10:07:42 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/BjCvB2P1/Ytalien-corona.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BjCvB2P1)

whistle:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2020, 10:09:51 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2020, 10:07:42 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BjCvB2P1/Ytalien-corona.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BjCvB2P1)

whistle:

redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 01, 2020, 11:58:38 AM: A young British soldier in UmQasr, Iraq, was being interviewed by a TV crew, who asked him what his experience of the city was like.

His reply?

“Before we came here, the Major said ' Its a big port city - like Southampton'… but there's no booze, no hookers, and the locals are trying to kill us - it's much more like Portsmouth”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2020, 12:10:20 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 01, 2020, 11:58:38 AM
A young British soldier in UmQasr, Iraq, was being interviewed by a TV crew, who asked him what his experience of the city was like.

His reply?

“Before we came here, the Major said ' Its a big port city - like Southampton'… but there's no booze, no hookers, and the locals are trying to kill us - it's much more like Portsmouth”
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2020, 12:20:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2020, 12:10:20 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 01, 2020, 11:58:38 AM
A young British soldier in UmQasr, Iraq, was being interviewed by a TV crew, who asked him what his experience of the city was like.

His reply?

“Before we came here, the Major said ' Its a big port city - like Southampton'… but there's no booze, no hookers, and the locals are trying to kill us - it's much more like Portsmouth”
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2020, 01:28:39 PM: This is good (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000gtp2)... lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 01, 2020, 03:51:42 PM: I have CDO..........

It’s like OCD,.................

but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE F**KING SUPPOSED TO BE!

cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2020, 04:09:17 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2020, 03:51:42 PM
I have CDO..........

It’s like OCD,.................

but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE F**KING SUPPOSED TO BE!

cussing: cussing:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2020, 04:34:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2020, 04:09:17 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2020, 03:51:42 PM
I have CDO..........

It’s like OCD,.................

but the letters are in alphabetical order, LIKE THEY ARE F**KING SUPPOSED TO BE!

cussing: cussing:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2020, 04:38:11 PM: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2020, 04:39:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2020, 04:38:11 PM
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 03, 2020, 12:56:18 PM: I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 03, 2020, 01:04:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 03, 2020, 12:56:18 PM
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2020, 11:06:19 AM: (variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 04, 2020, 11:52:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2020, 11:06:19 AM
(variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 04, 2020, 01:11:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 04, 2020, 11:52:12 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2020, 11:06:19 AM
(variant of an old joke)

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2020, 08:49:48 PM: A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 04, 2020, 09:25:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2020, 08:49:48 PM
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2020, 05:10:07 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2020, 09:25:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2020, 08:49:48 PM
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2020, 10:15:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2020, 05:10:07 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 04, 2020, 09:25:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2020, 08:49:48 PM
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just have you or your wife say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His manhood becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife was amazed, but asked what did you say "one, two, three, for?

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2020, 11:09:42 AM: A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 05, 2020, 11:21:57 AM: A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2020, 11:34:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2020, 11:09:42 AM
A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 05, 2020, 11:36:25 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2020, 11:34:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2020, 11:09:42 AM
A few month ago I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions.
My bad.

lol: lol: lol:
;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2020, 11:36:33 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 11:21:57 AM
A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

AFFS! ::)

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=16.msg17#msg17
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 05, 2020, 11:39:59 AM: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2020, 11:48:24 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 11:21:57 AM
A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”
lol: lol: lol: (an Affs methinks but a classic)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2020, 11:55:26 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2020, 11:48:24 AM
Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 11:21:57 AM
A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music piano music gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics”. “It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see”. “Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”

Next Friday rolls around and the door bell ring at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been?” “The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes, Yes, bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.

5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”
lol: lol: lol: (an Affs methinks but a classic)

AFFS! point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 05, 2020, 01:44:05 PM: An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.

The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"

The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".

""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."

I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.

"You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the River-dance" says Paddy."

It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2020, 01:59:15 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 01:44:05 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.

The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"

The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".

""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."

I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.

"You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the River-dance" says Paddy."

It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2020, 02:45:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2020, 01:59:15 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 01:44:05 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.

The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"

The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".

""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."

I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.

"You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the River-dance" says Paddy."

It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 05, 2020, 04:17:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2020, 02:45:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2020, 01:59:15 PM
Quote from: Nick on April 05, 2020, 01:44:05 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.

The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"

The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".

""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."

I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.

"You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the River-dance" says Paddy."

It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"

The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 06, 2020, 08:17:42 PM: After just two weeks in lockdown I think I understand Osama Bin Laden.

5 Years, in the same house, with three wives?

He called in the Navy Seals himself.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2020, 06:11:13 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 06, 2020, 08:17:42 PM
After just two weeks in lockdown I think I understand Osama Bin Laden.

5 Years, in the same house, with three wives?

He called in the Navy Seals himself.

lol: lol: lol:

And no booze! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 07, 2020, 08:56:33 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 07, 2020, 06:11:13 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 06, 2020, 08:17:42 PM
After just two weeks in lockdown I think I understand Osama Bin Laden.

5 Years, in the same house, with three wives?

He called in the Navy Seals himself.

lol: lol: lol:

And no booze! eeek:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 08, 2020, 11:01:06 AM: ALways worth revisiting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax7kENH-A7s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax7kENH-A7s)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 08, 2020, 11:26:07 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 08, 2020, 11:01:06 AM
ALways worth revisiting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax7kENH-A7s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax7kENH-A7s)
noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 08, 2020, 12:31:01 PM: I’ve been a naughty girl… I think I deserve punishment…” my wife said suggestively, biting her lip.

“As you say,” said I and installed Windows Vista on her laptop.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 11, 2020, 10:34:28 AM: Yesterday I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2020, 10:53:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 11, 2020, 10:34:28 AM
Yesterday I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

lol: lol: lol: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 11, 2020, 03:43:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 11, 2020, 10:53:35 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 11, 2020, 10:34:28 AM
Yesterday I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

lol: lol: lol: sick2:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 12, 2020, 11:29:12 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 11, 2020, 03:43:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 11, 2020, 10:53:35 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 11, 2020, 10:34:28 AM
Yesterday I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

lol: lol: lol: sick2:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2020, 02:04:22 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV/dogh.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 12, 2020, 02:13:13 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 12, 2020, 02:04:22 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV/dogh.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV)
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2020, 02:25:28 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 12, 2020, 02:13:13 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 12, 2020, 02:04:22 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV/dogh.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mPQbcFjV)
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 12, 2020, 02:28:22 PM: Where do you take someone who has an injuring playing hide and seek?

I.C.U ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2020, 02:47:01 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 12, 2020, 02:28:22 PM
Where do you take someone who has an injuring playing hide and seek?

I.C.U ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2020, 02:47:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2020, 02:47:01 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 12, 2020, 02:28:22 PM
Where do you take someone who has an injuring playing hide and seek?

I.C.U ;D

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

So that's what Boris actually did
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on April 12, 2020, 05:03:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 12, 2020, 02:47:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2020, 02:47:01 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on April 12, 2020, 02:28:22 PM
Where do you take someone who has an injuring playing hide and seek?

I.C.U ;D

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

So that's what Boris actually did

;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 15, 2020, 12:28:36 PM: If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:
There isn't any iceberg. It's a democratic hoax of an iceberg. It's a fake iceberg, promoted by fake news.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The passenger's lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
1,500 deaths is a VERY low number. There should have been 7,000.”
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 15, 2020, 03:30:53 PM: A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.

So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."

So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now."

The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah." And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"

And a voice booms down from heaven... "Funny you should say that..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2020, 03:41:26 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 15, 2020, 03:30:53 PM
A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.

So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."

So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now."

The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah." And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"

And a voice booms down from heaven... "Funny you should say that..."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 15, 2020, 05:54:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 15, 2020, 12:28:36 PM
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:
There isn't any iceberg. It's a democratic hoax of an iceberg. It's a fake iceberg, promoted by fake news.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The passenger's lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
1,500 deaths is a VERY low number. There should have been 7,000.”
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 15, 2020, 05:59:17 PM: Struggling to put food on the table during these times ....????

Now , you know how TMR feels all the time ........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 15, 2020, 06:10:33 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 15, 2020, 05:59:17 PM
Struggling to put food on the table during these times ....????

Now , you know how TMR feels all the time ........ whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 16, 2020, 08:41:56 AM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNzsNkGUI4g (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNzsNkGUI4g)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 16, 2020, 08:46:49 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 16, 2020, 08:41:56 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNzsNkGUI4g (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNzsNkGUI4g)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 16, 2020, 05:00:38 PM: A rabbi is harboring a secret — he has always wanted to try pork.
One night he drives across town to the furthest restaurant from his shul and orders an entire suckling pig. Just as the waiter sets down the full roast pig with an apple in its mouth, he sees a group of his congregants has walked in and is watching him, mouths open.
The rabbi widens his eyes, “So nu, what kind of place is this?” he says. “You order an apple and look how it’s served!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 16, 2020, 05:34:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2020, 05:00:38 PM
A rabbi is harboring a secret — he has always wanted to try pork.
One night he drives across town to the furthest restaurant from his shul and orders an entire suckling pig. Just as the waiter sets down the full roast pig with an apple in its mouth, he sees a group of his congregants has walked in and is watching him, mouths open.
The rabbi widens his eyes, “So nu, what kind of place is this?” he says. “You order an apple and look how it’s served!”

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2020, 05:38:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 16, 2020, 05:34:14 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 16, 2020, 05:00:38 PM
A rabbi is harboring a secret — he has always wanted to try pork.
One night he drives across town to the furthest restaurant from his shul and orders an entire suckling pig. Just as the waiter sets down the full roast pig with an apple in its mouth, he sees a group of his congregants has walked in and is watching him, mouths open.
The rabbi widens his eyes, “So nu, what kind of place is this?” he says. “You order an apple and look how it’s served!”

;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2020, 01:52:53 PM: https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/703289443814243/?t=80 (https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/703289443814243/?t=80)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2020, 03:09:28 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 17, 2020, 01:52:53 PM
https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/703289443814243/?t=80 (https://www.facebook.com/NowThisPolitics/videos/703289443814243/?t=80)
noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 19, 2020, 12:59:39 PM: Choose a new password:

potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account.
Choose a new password
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2020, 01:00:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 19, 2020, 12:59:39 PM
Choose a new password:

potato
Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.
boiled potato
Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
1 boiled potato
Sorry, password cannot contain spaces
50fuckingboiledpotatoes
Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.
IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.
NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account.
Choose a new password

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 20, 2020, 07:04:06 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD/D9592-CCA-6-FBF-4-C12-98-B3-9-FF75-FE1-AB81-2779-00000396-B6-EDA6-FF.png) (https://postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 20, 2020, 07:16:07 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 20, 2020, 07:04:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD/D9592-CCA-6-FBF-4-C12-98-B3-9-FF75-FE1-AB81-2779-00000396-B6-EDA6-FF.png) (https://postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 20, 2020, 07:27:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 20, 2020, 07:16:07 AM
Quote from: Nick on April 20, 2020, 07:04:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD/D9592-CCA-6-FBF-4-C12-98-B3-9-FF75-FE1-AB81-2779-00000396-B6-EDA6-FF.png) (https://postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 20, 2020, 08:08:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 20, 2020, 07:27:38 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 20, 2020, 07:16:07 AM
Quote from: Nick on April 20, 2020, 07:04:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD/D9592-CCA-6-FBF-4-C12-98-B3-9-FF75-FE1-AB81-2779-00000396-B6-EDA6-FF.png) (https://postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 20, 2020, 08:10:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 20, 2020, 08:08:01 AM
Quote from: Just One More on April 20, 2020, 07:27:38 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 20, 2020, 07:16:07 AM
Quote from: Nick on April 20, 2020, 07:04:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD/D9592-CCA-6-FBF-4-C12-98-B3-9-FF75-FE1-AB81-2779-00000396-B6-EDA6-FF.png) (https://postimg.cc/ctm7hXgD)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 20, 2020, 04:57:10 PM: I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 20, 2020, 04:58:39 PM: I thought I'd follow the trend of naming my children after the place they were conceived like Brooklyn or India.
Ones called Alley Kneetrembler, the other's called Table Top.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 20, 2020, 06:57:08 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 20, 2020, 04:57:10 PM
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 20, 2020, 06:57:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 20, 2020, 04:58:39 PM
I thought I'd follow the trend of naming my children after the place they were conceived like Brooklyn or India.
Ones called Alley Kneetrembler, the other's called Table Top.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:11:29 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK/Barrymore.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 20, 2020, 09:24:07 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:11:29 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK/Barrymore.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK)

rubschin:
lol: as the old joke goes: 'I'll be buggered if I'd go for a swim at his house'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:25:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 20, 2020, 09:24:07 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:11:29 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK/Barrymore.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK)

rubschin:
lol: as the old joke goes: 'I'll be buggered if I'd go for a swim at his house'

And Darwins' "can you touch the bottom "..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 20, 2020, 09:58:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:25:31 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 20, 2020, 09:24:07 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:11:29 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK/Barrymore.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK)

rubschin:
lol: as the old joke goes: 'I'll be buggered if I'd go for a swim at his house'

And Darwins' "can you touch the bottom "..
cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2020, 07:05:27 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 20, 2020, 09:11:29 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK/Barrymore.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qNrZzJdK)

rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 21, 2020, 01:31:22 PM: After seeing Captain Tom Moore walking 100 laps of his garden.

The Department of Work and Pension declares him fit for work.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 21, 2020, 01:36:31 PM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 21, 2020, 02:08:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 21, 2020, 01:31:22 PM
After seeing Captain Tom Moore walking 100 laps of his garden.

The Department of Work and Pension declares him fit for work.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 22, 2020, 01:20:16 PM: My wife said she's leaving me because of my insecurities..

No wait she's back she was just making a coffee.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2020, 03:00:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 22, 2020, 01:20:16 PM
My wife said she's leaving me because of my insecurities..

No wait she's back she was just making a coffee.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 22, 2020, 06:14:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 22, 2020, 03:00:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 22, 2020, 01:20:16 PM
My wife said she's leaving me because of my insecurities..

No wait she's back she was just making a coffee.

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 23, 2020, 12:12:32 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 22, 2020, 06:14:47 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 22, 2020, 03:00:18 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 22, 2020, 01:20:16 PM
My wife said she's leaving me because of my insecurities..

No wait she's back she was just making a coffee.

happy001

happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 23, 2020, 10:56:02 PM: Coyote v Acme 1990

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1990/02/26/coyote-v-acme
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2020, 05:16:52 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 23, 2020, 10:56:02 PM
Coyote v Acme 1990

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1990/02/26/coyote-v-acme

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 24, 2020, 12:47:00 PM: What's worse than a bull in a china shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2020, 12:49:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 24, 2020, 12:47:00 PM
What's worse than a bull in a china shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 24, 2020, 05:22:11 PM: Just think of all the additional domestos abuse vulnerable people could be suffering as a result of ill thought advice from the most powerful man in the world......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 25, 2020, 11:07:57 AM: A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.

Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.

The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said:
"I fucked her too."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 25, 2020, 11:09:55 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 25, 2020, 11:07:57 AM
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.

After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.

Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.

The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said:
"I fucked her too."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 26, 2020, 12:42:50 PM: The Royal Collage Of Veterinary Surgeons has today issued this statement;
Should Veterinary Surgeons get called up to aid the NHS with the Coronavirus crisis, we are sure our esteemed profession will come to heel immediately, seizing their new roles like the proverbial dog with a pet-safe chew toy.
However, we do have a few words of advice;
Although PPE is in short supply, arm length gloves will NOT be required. Patients have enough to worry about without seeing farm vets in their usual gear. This is also true of calving jacks and ropes, should you be seconded to the maternity units.
Instructions have been given to all staff and patients to refrain from touching their faces. Remarkably, the humble buster collar hasn’t yet been utilised but if it is, we are advising that rapid deployment of Veterinary Nurses will be required to construct and fit the bl**dy things.
Please remember where the thermometer goes (and does NOT go) in humans.
We are advising your medical colleagues to try to remember to not request that you ‘put a patient to sleep’. However, if this does happen, PUT THE SYRINGE DOWN.
If you are asked to take a blood sample, remember that the patient does not need to be restrained by being nestled in your chest (no matter how much they might like it). Nor are you likely to be required to wrap them up in a towel or place a muzzle. However, if you are stationed in paediatrics, your handling skills may actually come in extremely useful.
It is important to put patients at their ease in the hospital.
Although it possibly isn’t standard practice in the human field, do continue to compliment your patients on their shiny hair/excellent teeth/ideal body condition as appropriate. Calling them a ‘good boy/girl’ will hopefully be taken in the spirit it is intended but ear tickling or a vigorous bottom rub may be considered a little too much. It is unlikely they will want to lick your face but if they do, it is in any case not permissible under the current hygiene restrictions and should be discouraged.
We hope you find this advice is helpful as you transition from hairy, four legged patients who can’t speak, to slightly less hairy but more chatty ones.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 26, 2020, 12:53:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 26, 2020, 12:42:50 PM
The Royal Collage Of Veterinary Surgeons has today issued this statement;
Should Veterinary Surgeons get called up to aid the NHS with the Coronavirus crisis, we are sure our esteemed profession will come to heel immediately, seizing their new roles like the proverbial dog with a pet-safe chew toy.
However, we do have a few words of advice;
Although PPE is in short supply, arm length gloves will NOT be required. Patients have enough to worry about without seeing farm vets in their usual gear. This is also true of calving jacks and ropes, should you be seconded to the maternity units.
Instructions have been given to all staff and patients to refrain from touching their faces. Remarkably, the humble buster collar hasn’t yet been utilised but if it is, we are advising that rapid deployment of Veterinary Nurses will be required to construct and fit the bl**dy things.
Please remember where the thermometer goes (and does NOT go) in humans.
We are advising your medical colleagues to try to remember to not request that you ‘put a patient to sleep’. However, if this does happen, PUT THE SYRINGE DOWN.
If you are asked to take a blood sample, remember that the patient does not need to be restrained by being nestled in your chest (no matter how much they might like it). Nor are you likely to be required to wrap them up in a towel or place a muzzle. However, if you are stationed in paediatrics, your handling skills may actually come in extremely useful.
It is important to put patients at their ease in the hospital.
Although it possibly isn’t standard practice in the human field, do continue to compliment your patients on their shiny hair/excellent teeth/ideal body condition as appropriate. Calling them a ‘good boy/girl’ will hopefully be taken in the spirit it is intended but ear tickling or a vigorous bottom rub may be considered a little too much. It is unlikely they will want to lick your face but if they do, it is in any case not permissible under the current hygiene restrictions and should be discouraged.
We hope you find this advice is helpful as you transition from hairy, four legged patients who can’t speak, to slightly less hairy but more chatty ones.

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 27, 2020, 12:16:45 AM: https://www.facebook.com/ItsAlonzo/videos/821932738302291/?t=27

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 27, 2020, 11:55:36 AM: A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "Did you give it the last rites."
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2020, 12:02:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 27, 2020, 11:55:36 AM
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "Did you give it the last rites."
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 28, 2020, 06:29:26 AM: TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2020, 10:30:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 28, 2020, 06:29:26 AM
TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

redface: redface: redface:
happy001

and redface: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 28, 2020, 06:22:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 28, 2020, 10:30:59 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 28, 2020, 06:29:26 AM
TOOLS EXPLAINED for this who want to know

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

redface: redface: redface:
happy001

and redface: redface: redface: redface:

happy001 and redface: redface: redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 28, 2020, 06:27:21 PM: See also: microwave redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 29, 2020, 11:43:24 AM: Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed,

which is mad, because those places are really well lit.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2020, 12:12:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2020, 11:43:24 AM
Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed,

which is mad, because those places are really well lit.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 29, 2020, 04:56:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 29, 2020, 12:12:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 29, 2020, 11:43:24 AM
Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed,

which is mad, because those places are really well lit.

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 30, 2020, 12:50:29 PM: My mate has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles.
That sounds so much better than alcoholic.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 30, 2020, 12:55:27 PM: from elsewhere

Quote from: Jessamy Bride
(https://ayearinthecountry.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Village-of-the-Damned-John-Carpenter-1995-film-still-3-575x235.jpg)

Saw this on fb .... "Boris' other kids com to meet their brother" . . . .
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 30, 2020, 12:57:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 30, 2020, 12:55:27 PM
from elsewhere

Quote from: Jessamy Bride
(https://ayearinthecountry.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Village-of-the-Damned-John-Carpenter-1995-film-still-3-575x235.jpg)

Saw this on fb .... "Boris' other kids com to meet their brother" . . . .

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 06:12:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 30, 2020, 12:50:29 PM
My mate has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles.
That sounds so much better than alcoholic.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:17:03 AM: A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
She went to check it out and went to the Western Wall and sure enough there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" she asked.
"For About 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a Brick wall!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2020, 11:49:34 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:17:03 AM
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
She went to check it out and went to the Western Wall and sure enough there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" she asked.
"For About 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a Brick wall!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:53:28 AM: The Flat Earth Society are reporting,
that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on May 01, 2020, 12:23:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:53:28 AM
The Flat Earth Society are reporting,
that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
smile: smile: smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 01, 2020, 04:50:35 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 01, 2020, 12:23:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:53:28 AM
The Flat Earth Society are reporting,
that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
smile: smile: smile:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 07:19:42 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 01, 2020, 04:50:35 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on May 01, 2020, 12:23:34 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 11:53:28 AM
The Flat Earth Society are reporting,
that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
smile: smile: smile:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 07:20:34 PM: http://twitter.com/Scarfolk/status/1256138861392080896
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2020, 09:16:07 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 07:20:34 PM
http://twitter.com/Scarfolk/status/1256138861392080896
lol: lol: lol:

I clicked further
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VY_VI_aPMRo/Vyd8eBAkPLI/AAAAAAAABNE/en53tC2JYosN_xdDGPUx9ZwL01NgdxzJACLcB/s400/wicker-scarfolk-blogspot-com.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2020, 05:51:06 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 09:16:07 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 07:20:34 PM
http://twitter.com/Scarfolk/status/1256138861392080896
lol: lol: lol:

I clicked further
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VY_VI_aPMRo/Vyd8eBAkPLI/AAAAAAAABNE/en53tC2JYosN_xdDGPUx9ZwL01NgdxzJACLcB/s400/wicker-scarfolk-blogspot-com.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 02, 2020, 09:02:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2020, 05:51:06 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2020, 09:16:07 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 01, 2020, 07:20:34 PM
http://twitter.com/Scarfolk/status/1256138861392080896
lol: lol: lol:

I clicked further
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VY_VI_aPMRo/Vyd8eBAkPLI/AAAAAAAABNE/en53tC2JYosN_xdDGPUx9ZwL01NgdxzJACLcB/s400/wicker-scarfolk-blogspot-com.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 02, 2020, 11:36:07 AM: How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see f÷×$" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

(and one to say that ^ is an Affs?)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2020, 11:51:39 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2020, 11:36:07 AM
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see f÷×$" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

(and one to say that ^ is an Affs?)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 02, 2020, 01:24:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2020, 11:51:39 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2020, 11:36:07 AM
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see f÷×$" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

(and one to say that ^ is an Affs?)

lol: lol: lol:

happy001 happy001 happy001

And one to copy it and share it :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 02, 2020, 04:48:02 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 02, 2020, 01:24:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2020, 11:51:39 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2020, 11:36:07 AM
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see f÷×$" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

(and one to say that ^ is an Affs?)

lol: lol: lol:

happy001 happy001 happy001

And one to copy it and share it :thumbsup:

Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 02, 2020, 10:19:36 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 02, 2020, 04:48:02 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 02, 2020, 01:24:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 02, 2020, 11:51:39 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 02, 2020, 11:36:07 AM
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see f÷×$" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

(and one to say that ^ is an Affs?)

lol: lol: lol:

happy001 happy001 happy001

And one to copy it and share it :thumbsup:

Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2020, 07:36:07 AM: Before my surgery the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

...it was an ether/oar situation...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 03, 2020, 11:26:26 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2020, 07:36:07 AM
Before my surgery the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

...it was an ether/oar situation...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 03, 2020, 11:26:39 AM: Donald Trump leaving the White House when an assassin appeared.
Trump's aid shouted, 'Micky Mouse',
as they grabbed the would be assassin.
Later the aid was asked why he shouted 'Micky Mouse?

He said. 'I got confused, I meant to shout Donald duck.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2020, 06:05:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 03, 2020, 11:26:26 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 03, 2020, 07:36:07 AM
Before my surgery the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

...it was an ether/oar situation...
lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 03, 2020, 08:06:36 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg/Porn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg)

eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 03, 2020, 08:29:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2020, 08:06:36 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg/Porn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg)

eeek: eeek:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2020, 04:42:32 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2020, 08:06:36 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg/Porn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg)

eeek: eeek:

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 04, 2020, 05:34:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 04:42:32 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 03, 2020, 08:06:36 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg/Porn.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gwQfY9Yg)

eeek: eeek:

lol: lol: lol: redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:34:57 AM: I smell Affs but have it anyway

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was £10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
.. .. . .. . .. . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....

(You're going to hate me for this...)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ ALDI"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:34:57 AM
I smell Affs but have it anyway

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was £10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
.. .. . .. . .. . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....

(You're going to hate me for this...)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ ALDI"

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:54:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
It is indeed an Affs but before my time so angel1

May 15 2009 by TMR
May 23 2009 by grumpyoldsoldier (who he?)
Sept 12 2009 by JOM
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2020, 02:37:38 PM: 100 years ago only the rich had cars and everyone else owned a horse.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2020, 03:15:38 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 02:37:38 PM
100 years ago only the rich had cars and everyone else owned a horse.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned....
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 04, 2020, 07:01:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:54:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
It is indeed an Affs but before my time so angel1

May 15 2009 by TMR
May 23 2009 by grumpyoldsoldier (who he?)
Sept 12 2009 by JOM

2009 was a good year for artichokes :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 04, 2020, 07:04:16 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 04, 2020, 07:01:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:54:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
It is indeed an Affs but before my time so angel1

May 15 2009 by TMR
May 23 2009 by grumpyoldsoldier (who he?)
Sept 12 2009 by JOM

2009 was a good year for artichokes :thumbsup:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2020, 07:13:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 04, 2020, 07:04:16 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 04, 2020, 07:01:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:54:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
It is indeed an Affs but before my time so angel1

May 15 2009 by TMR
May 23 2009 by grumpyoldsoldier (who he?)
Sept 12 2009 by JOM

2009 was a good year for artichokes :thumbsup:

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2020, 04:59:37 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 07:13:03 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 04, 2020, 07:04:16 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 04, 2020, 07:01:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2020, 09:54:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

That does reek of AFFS! lol:
It is indeed an Affs but before my time so angel1

May 15 2009 by TMR
May 23 2009 by grumpyoldsoldier (who he?)
Sept 12 2009 by JOM

2009 was a good year for artichokes :thumbsup:

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2020, 07:29:49 AM: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 05, 2020, 07:53:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2020, 07:29:49 AM
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2020, 08:55:51 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2020, 07:29:49 AM
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2020, 11:42:24 AM: I'm halfway through my shift at snappy snaps, and a guy came in to pick up some photos . Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them , and they were of his naked wife so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?"

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.....................

I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim..................

Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2020, 11:58:25 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2020, 11:42:24 AM
I'm halfway through my shift at snappy snaps, and a guy came in to pick up some photos . Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them , and they were of his naked wife so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?"

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.....................

I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim..................

Thumbs: Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2020, 12:08:26 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2020, 11:58:25 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2020, 11:42:24 AM
I'm halfway through my shift at snappy snaps, and a guy came in to pick up some photos . Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them , and they were of his naked wife so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?"

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.....................

I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim..................

Thumbs: Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 05, 2020, 06:25:15 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 05, 2020, 12:08:26 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2020, 11:58:25 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2020, 11:42:24 AM
I'm halfway through my shift at snappy snaps, and a guy came in to pick up some photos . Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them , and they were of his naked wife so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?"

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.....................

I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim..................

Thumbs: Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2020, 06:50:38 PM: A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2020, 06:53:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2020, 06:50:38 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 06, 2020, 10:45:36 AM: Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2020, 11:30:44 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2020, 10:45:36 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 06, 2020, 06:24:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 06, 2020, 11:30:44 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2020, 10:45:36 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here"

;D

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 09, 2020, 03:25:09 PM: Little Richard has sadly passed away...........

My heart goes out to Clarkson and May right now.......... sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2020, 03:27:01 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2020, 03:25:09 PM
Little Richard has sadly passed away...........

My heart goes out to Clarkson and May right now.......... sad24:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 09, 2020, 03:27:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2020, 03:27:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2020, 03:25:09 PM
Little Richard has sadly passed away...........

My heart goes out to Clarkson and May right now.......... sad24:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2020, 05:22:45 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 09, 2020, 03:27:46 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2020, 03:27:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2020, 03:25:09 PM
Little Richard has sadly passed away...........

My heart goes out to Clarkson and May right now.......... sad24:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2020, 05:23:13 PM: I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can't complain.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 10, 2020, 07:53:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 09, 2020, 05:22:45 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 09, 2020, 03:27:46 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2020, 03:27:01 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2020, 03:25:09 PM
Little Richard has sadly passed away...........

My heart goes out to Clarkson and May right now.......... sad24:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 10, 2020, 03:28:15 PM: USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were hugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and China and the lame-stream media printing fake news.

After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and the firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.

The stamps have no manufacturing defects.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 11, 2020, 02:27:09 PM: Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California.

Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 11, 2020, 06:20:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 11, 2020, 02:27:09 PM
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California.

Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 12, 2020, 11:20:17 AM: A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 HAND JOB: £10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am.
"The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 12, 2020, 04:42:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2020, 11:20:17 AM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 HAND JOB: £10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am.
"The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 12, 2020, 07:23:34 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 12, 2020, 04:42:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2020, 11:20:17 AM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 HAND JOB: £10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am.
"The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 13, 2020, 06:21:29 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 12, 2020, 07:23:34 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 12, 2020, 04:42:10 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2020, 11:20:17 AM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: £1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 HAND JOB: £10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am.
"The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM: I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2020, 01:36:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 01:50:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

AFFS ... rubschin: but with TV ,..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:57:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 01:50:05 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

AFFS ... rubschin: but with TV ,..... rubschin:

Not AFFS then... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 02:47:20 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:57:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 01:50:05 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

AFFS ... rubschin: but with TV ,..... rubschin:

Not AFFS then... whistle:

rubschin:

Good point ..well made ..... Thumbs:

But bollox still AFFS ....... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2020, 03:01:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 02:47:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:57:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 01:50:05 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

AFFS ... rubschin: but with TV ,..... rubschin:

Not AFFS then... whistle:

rubschin:

Good point ..well made ..... Thumbs:

But bollox still AFFS ....... Thumbs:
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2020, 03:02:43 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 02:47:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:57:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 01:50:05 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2020, 01:18:41 PM
I saw an advert on-line that said, "Radio for sale. Only £2 but volume stuck on full".

I thought, "I can't turn that down".

AFFS ... rubschin: but with TV ,..... rubschin:

Not AFFS then... whistle:

rubschin:

Good point ..well made ..... Thumbs:

But bollox still AFFS ....... Thumbs:

sad32: sad32: sad32:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2020, 05:28:34 PM: This bloody lockdown is getting to me now........ noooo:

When I see a nurse in a porno,

I stand and clap before I masturbate............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 14, 2020, 06:33:08 PM: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 15, 2020, 05:46:24 AM: So this bloke walks into a pub and the barman says "Good evening sir, what can I get you to drink?"

The guy replies "A pint of bitter please". The barman pours the drink and asks for £3.60.

The man refuses to pay saying "You asked me what you could get me to drink and that constitutes an offer of a free drink".

The barman angrily replies "Now don't start messing me about. £3.60 please!"

With that another guy sat at the bar says to the barman, "Look, I don't want to interfere but I am a lawyer and your wording of what can I get you to drink could in law be taken as an offer of a free drink".

So the barman says to the customer "Enjoy your free pint then but don't you ever try that on with me again".

Well, the next night, the same guy goes into the same pub with the same barman.

The barman says "I'm ready for you pal". The bloke asks ""What are you talking about?"

The guy behind the bar says "You were in here last night conning me out of a free pint".

The punter replies "I don't think so. I've never been in this pub before in my life".

The barman sighs and says "Well, you must have a double then" to which the guy answers,

"Thank you very much, I'll have a whisky!"............ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 15, 2020, 07:54:46 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2020, 05:46:24 AM
So this bloke walks into a pub and the barman says "Good evening sir, what can I get you to drink?"

The guy replies "A pint of bitter please". The barman pours the drink and asks for £3.60.

The man refuses to pay saying "You asked me what you could get me to drink and that constitutes an offer of a free drink".

The barman angrily replies "Now don't start messing me about. £3.60 please!"

With that another guy sat at the bar says to the barman, "Look, I don't want to interfere but I am a lawyer and your wording of what can I get you to drink could in law be taken as an offer of a free drink".

So the barman says to the customer "Enjoy your free pint then but don't you ever try that on with me again".

Well, the next night, the same guy goes into the same pub with the same barman.

The barman says "I'm ready for you pal". The bloke asks ""What are you talking about?"

The guy behind the bar says "You were in here last night conning me out of a free pint".

The punter replies "I don't think so. I've never been in this pub before in my life".

The barman sighs and says "Well, you must have a double then" to which the guy answers,

"Thank you very much, I'll have a whisky!"............ Thumbs:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 15, 2020, 08:00:26 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 15, 2020, 07:54:46 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2020, 05:46:24 AM
So this bloke walks into a pub and the barman says "Good evening sir, what can I get you to drink?"

The guy replies "A pint of bitter please". The barman pours the drink and asks for £3.60.

The man refuses to pay saying "You asked me what you could get me to drink and that constitutes an offer of a free drink".

The barman angrily replies "Now don't start messing me about. £3.60 please!"

With that another guy sat at the bar says to the barman, "Look, I don't want to interfere but I am a lawyer and your wording of what can I get you to drink could in law be taken as an offer of a free drink".

So the barman says to the customer "Enjoy your free pint then but don't you ever try that on with me again".

Well, the next night, the same guy goes into the same pub with the same barman.

The barman says "I'm ready for you pal". The bloke asks ""What are you talking about?"

The guy behind the bar says "You were in here last night conning me out of a free pint".

The punter replies "I don't think so. I've never been in this pub before in my life".

The barman sighs and says "Well, you must have a double then" to which the guy answers,

"Thank you very much, I'll have a whisky!"............ Thumbs:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2020, 08:08:03 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 15, 2020, 08:00:26 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 15, 2020, 07:54:46 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2020, 05:46:24 AM
So this bloke walks into a pub and the barman says "Good evening sir, what can I get you to drink?"

The guy replies "A pint of bitter please". The barman pours the drink and asks for £3.60.

The man refuses to pay saying "You asked me what you could get me to drink and that constitutes an offer of a free drink".

The barman angrily replies "Now don't start messing me about. £3.60 please!"

With that another guy sat at the bar says to the barman, "Look, I don't want to interfere but I am a lawyer and your wording of what can I get you to drink could in law be taken as an offer of a free drink".

So the barman says to the customer "Enjoy your free pint then but don't you ever try that on with me again".

Well, the next night, the same guy goes into the same pub with the same barman.

The barman says "I'm ready for you pal". The bloke asks ""What are you talking about?"

The guy behind the bar says "You were in here last night conning me out of a free pint".

The punter replies "I don't think so. I've never been in this pub before in my life".

The barman sighs and says "Well, you must have a double then" to which the guy answers,

"Thank you very much, I'll have a whisky!"............ Thumbs:

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2020, 09:25:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2020, 08:08:03 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 15, 2020, 08:00:26 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 15, 2020, 07:54:46 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 15, 2020, 05:46:24 AM
So this bloke walks into a pub and the barman says "Good evening sir, what can I get you to drink?"

The guy replies "A pint of bitter please". The barman pours the drink and asks for £3.60.

The man refuses to pay saying "You asked me what you could get me to drink and that constitutes an offer of a free drink".

The barman angrily replies "Now don't start messing me about. £3.60 please!"

With that another guy sat at the bar says to the barman, "Look, I don't want to interfere but I am a lawyer and your wording of what can I get you to drink could in law be taken as an offer of a free drink".

So the barman says to the customer "Enjoy your free pint then but don't you ever try that on with me again".

Well, the next night, the same guy goes into the same pub with the same barman.

The barman says "I'm ready for you pal". The bloke asks ""What are you talking about?"

The guy behind the bar says "You were in here last night conning me out of a free pint".

The punter replies "I don't think so. I've never been in this pub before in my life".

The barman sighs and says "Well, you must have a double then" to which the guy answers,

"Thank you very much, I'll have a whisky!"............ Thumbs:

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 17, 2020, 04:42:59 PM: Today marks 6 weeks without any sugar.
I’ve stopped eating meat and dairy, too. no caffeine, zero alcohol.
Running two miles before breakfast.
I plan to make this my new life style. Completely vegan, gluten free, caffeine free and sugar free.
Also working out 2 hours a day.

I don’t know who’s status this is, but I was so proud of them I decided to copy and paste it..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 17, 2020, 06:52:52 PM: You are Miss I and I claim my £5
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 17, 2020, 07:49:09 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 17, 2020, 06:52:52 PM
You are Miss I and I claim my £5

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 18, 2020, 05:34:32 PM: An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man.
The atheist screams in terror. ‟ Oh God，help me!!!”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears.
‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking.
‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 19, 2020, 09:41:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 18, 2020, 05:34:32 PM
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man.
The atheist screams in terror. ‟ Oh God，help me!!!”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears.
‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking.
‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 19, 2020, 10:54:11 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 19, 2020, 09:41:11 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 18, 2020, 05:34:32 PM
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man.
The atheist screams in terror. ‟ Oh God，help me!!!”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears.
‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking.
‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 20, 2020, 04:53:39 AM: I took my wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.....

"I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole"....... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 05:21:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 20, 2020, 04:53:39 AM
I took my wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.....

"I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole"....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2020, 06:14:42 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 05:21:33 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 20, 2020, 04:53:39 AM
I took my wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.....

"I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole"....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 20, 2020, 08:21:30 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 20, 2020, 06:14:42 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 05:21:33 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 20, 2020, 04:53:39 AM
I took my wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.....

"I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole"....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 20, 2020, 09:30:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 20, 2020, 08:21:30 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 20, 2020, 06:14:42 AM
Quote from: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 05:21:33 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 20, 2020, 04:53:39 AM
I took my wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.....

"I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole"....... redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Pastis on May 20, 2020, 05:01:27 PM: Finally the nightly applause for all health workers here has ended. It was good while it lasted.
But now there's been an appeal for an applause for all parcel delivery workers...

Apparently it has been scheduled for Friday, sometime between 8am and 1pm.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 20, 2020, 05:57:00 PM: Quote from: Pastis on May 20, 2020, 05:01:27 PM
Finally the nightly applause for all health workers here has ended. It was good while it lasted.
But now there's been an appeal for an applause for all parcel delivery workers...

Apparently it has been scheduled for Friday, sometime between 8am and 1pm.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 06:08:16 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 20, 2020, 05:57:00 PM
Quote from: Pastis on May 20, 2020, 05:01:27 PM
Finally the nightly applause for all health workers here has ended. It was good while it lasted.
But now there's been an appeal for an applause for all parcel delivery workers...

Apparently it has been scheduled for Friday, sometime between 8am and 1pm.
drumroll:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 20, 2020, 07:35:01 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 20, 2020, 06:08:16 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 20, 2020, 05:57:00 PM
Quote from: Pastis on May 20, 2020, 05:01:27 PM
Finally the nightly applause for all health workers here has ended. It was good while it lasted.
But now there's been an appeal for an applause for all parcel delivery workers...

Apparently it has been scheduled for Friday, sometime between 8am and 1pm.
drumroll:

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2020, 03:00:31 AM: Quote from: Pastis on May 20, 2020, 05:01:27 PM
Finally the nightly applause for all health workers here has ended. It was good while it lasted.
But now there's been an appeal for an applause for all parcel delivery workers...

Apparently it has been scheduled for Friday, sometime between 8am and 1pm.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 21, 2020, 11:02:16 AM: There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” All the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2020, 11:54:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 21, 2020, 11:02:16 AM
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” All the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 21, 2020, 07:43:40 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 21, 2020, 11:54:38 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 21, 2020, 11:02:16 AM
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” All the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 22, 2020, 07:00:02 PM: A teacher asks her class what is their favorite letter is ......

A little kid yells out ..G.....Miss...

"Why is that Angus ? ".........
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 22, 2020, 07:41:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 22, 2020, 07:00:02 PM
A teacher asks her class what is their favorite letter is ......

A little kid yells out ..G.....Miss...

"Why is that Angus ? ".........

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 23, 2020, 06:09:20 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 22, 2020, 07:00:02 PM
A teacher asks her class what is their favorite letter is ......

A little kid yells out ..G.....Miss...

"Why is that Angus ? ".........

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 23, 2020, 08:05:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 23, 2020, 06:09:20 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 22, 2020, 07:00:02 PM
A teacher asks her class what is their favorite letter is ......

A little kid yells out ..G.....Miss...

"Why is that Angus ? ".........

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 25, 2020, 09:59:00 AM: Paddy went to the car showroom to buy a car.
Salesman says "how much do you want to spend."
Paddy says "fifty pounds."
Salesman says "we got one out the back you can have."
Paddy says "why is it so cheap."
Salesman says "it s got no doors."
Paddy says "how do I get in it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 25, 2020, 09:59:51 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 25, 2020, 09:59:00 AM
Paddy went to the car showroom to buy a car.
Salesman says "how much do you want to spend."
Paddy says "fifty pounds."
Salesman says "we got one out the back you can have."
Paddy says "why is it so cheap."
Salesman says "it s got no doors."
Paddy says "how do I get in it."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2020, 08:25:16 AM: DOMINIC CUMMINGS: I've seen your wife, don't bother having your eyes checked...............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 26, 2020, 08:40:10 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 25, 2020, 09:59:51 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 25, 2020, 09:59:00 AM
Paddy went to the car showroom to buy a car.
Salesman says "how much do you want to spend."
Paddy says "fifty pounds."
Salesman says "we got one out the back you can have."
Paddy says "why is it so cheap."
Salesman says "it s got no doors."
Paddy says "how do I get in it."

lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2020, 10:04:24 AM: My next door neighbour told me to try Horse Manure on my Rhubarb.......... rubschin:

Tasted f55king horrible, I still prefer Custard............ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 26, 2020, 10:19:31 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2020, 10:04:24 AM
My next door neighbour told me to try Horse Manure on my Rhubarb.......... rubschin:

Tasted f55king horrible, I still prefer Custard............ noooo:

lol: lol: lol: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 26, 2020, 11:41:20 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 26, 2020, 10:04:24 AM
My next door neighbour told me to try Horse Manure on my Rhubarb.......... rubschin:

Tasted f55king horrible, I still prefer Custard............ noooo:

© Tommy Cooper 1957
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 26, 2020, 05:48:26 PM: prolly an Affs but

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 26, 2020, 06:34:32 PM: A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 26, 2020, 06:35:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 26, 2020, 06:34:32 PM
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 26, 2020, 06:40:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 26, 2020, 05:48:26 PM
prolly an Affs but

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2020, 08:23:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 26, 2020, 06:34:32 PM
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 27, 2020, 06:00:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 27, 2020, 08:23:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on May 26, 2020, 06:34:32 PM
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

happy001
Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2020, 06:29:42 PM: Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 27, 2020, 07:43:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 27, 2020, 06:29:42 PM
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2020, 05:06:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on May 27, 2020, 07:43:20 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 27, 2020, 06:29:42 PM
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. But he was born with no ears.
Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mom said it was perfect.
Johnny replied, "that's good because he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 28, 2020, 11:56:42 AM: Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 28, 2020, 12:06:56 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 28, 2020, 11:56:42 AM
Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2020, 12:34:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 28, 2020, 12:06:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 28, 2020, 11:56:42 AM
Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 28, 2020, 02:52:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 28, 2020, 12:34:41 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 28, 2020, 12:06:56 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 28, 2020, 11:56:42 AM
Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went up to the lake district,
walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........

Sorry, i'm rambling.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 30, 2020, 11:35:09 AM: An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"

I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....

She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............

I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!...... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 30, 2020, 12:04:52 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2020, 11:35:09 AM
An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"

I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....

She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............

I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!...... redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 30, 2020, 12:12:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 30, 2020, 12:04:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2020, 11:35:09 AM
An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"

I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....

She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............

I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!...... redface:

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 30, 2020, 05:03:28 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 30, 2020, 12:12:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 30, 2020, 12:04:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2020, 11:35:09 AM
An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"

I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....

She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............

I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!...... redface:

happy001

happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 30, 2020, 09:37:32 PM: A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six.
Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Who's is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 30, 2020, 10:41:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 30, 2020, 05:03:28 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 30, 2020, 12:12:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 30, 2020, 12:04:52 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on May 30, 2020, 11:35:09 AM
An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"

I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else".....

She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" ............

I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!...... redface:

happy001

happy001 happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 31, 2020, 03:13:46 PM: My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.

She's starting to sound more like my wife.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 31, 2020, 03:31:13 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 31, 2020, 03:13:46 PM
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.

She's starting to sound more like my wife.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 01, 2020, 08:42:33 AM: Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 01, 2020, 12:40:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 01, 2020, 08:42:33 AM
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 02, 2020, 09:38:28 AM: One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 02, 2020, 04:05:07 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/101648877_10164473316755377_2405018880729677824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQneP-PipWF_gc2FEnAlrvhbyUC6Wp4tBjPy2Pbs9hKexSh8sDzv8I1tD8L5e8Wcy28&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=b9324120a2aa7be602516c847c4cb828&oe=5EFBF144)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 04, 2020, 03:43:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 02, 2020, 04:05:07 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/101648877_10164473316755377_2405018880729677824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQneP-PipWF_gc2FEnAlrvhbyUC6Wp4tBjPy2Pbs9hKexSh8sDzv8I1tD8L5e8Wcy28&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=b9324120a2aa7be602516c847c4cb828&oe=5EFBF144)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 06, 2020, 09:01:25 AM: I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 06, 2020, 09:09:05 AM: Quote from: Nick on June 06, 2020, 09:01:25 AM
I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw
happ096
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2020, 10:07:31 AM: Quote from: Nick on June 06, 2020, 09:01:25 AM
I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw

happy001

Excellent! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 06, 2020, 11:18:03 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 06, 2020, 09:09:05 AM
Quote from: Nick on June 06, 2020, 09:01:25 AM
I have just sent the following, as an email, to David Potts (pictured below), CEO of Morrison's Supermarkets.

Problem at Todmorden store...

Dear Mr Potts,

Despite your company's flagrant disregard, in its branding, for the correct use of the apostrophe, I am, neverthless, a loyal customer of your Morrison's (I insist on the punctuation) supermarket in Todmorden.

And, for that reason, I feel certain you'd wish to be informed of a worrying new phenomenon at the store which only compounds the many indignities of the Coronavirus clampdown.

It is this: on every visit I've made to the store in the last fortnight I have had to plod the aisles, - after positive vetting by Security - following the prescribed route, and keeping other customers at arm's length (a sensible precaution in Todmorden even under normal circumstances) to the accompaniment of the shrill vocal contortions of Ms Whitney Houston, insisting "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a music man through and through. But Morrison's, Todmorden - if it must have background music - needs to expand its repertoire beyond this one example of Ms Houston's glossy, optimistic froth.

The inevitability of the appearance of this glib and brittle "dance smash", whenever I am shopping, is becoming intolerable and, pretty soon, I'm afraid it may force me into the arms of the Co Op in Hebden Bridge, or our local Lidl, which does not bombard its customers with gormless over familiar Hits Of The 80s. (Speaking of Lidl, have you ever considered, at Morrison's, shelving the tinned peas among the lawnmowers and ladies' socks?)

I am sure you would not wish to drive away loyal customers. So, may I now have your reassurance, Mr Potts, that Ms Houston's constant and strident expression of desire to execute the Foxtrot or the Military Two Step ("with somebody") will, henceforth, be banished from your Todmorden store?

Many thanks.

All best wishes,

Andy Kershaw
happ096
worthy:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 06, 2020, 06:14:56 PM: Doctor: "You have the same disease as the girl in airplane."
Me: "Oh my God-what is it."
Doctor: "It's a movie starring Leslie Neilson, but that's not important right now."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2020, 06:19:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2020, 06:14:56 PM
Doctor: "You have the same disease as the girl in airplane."
Me: "Oh my God-what is it."
Doctor: "It's a movie starring Leslie Neilson, but that's not important right now."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 06, 2020, 06:30:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 06, 2020, 06:19:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2020, 06:14:56 PM
Doctor: "You have the same disease as the girl in airplane."
Me: "Oh my God-what is it."
Doctor: "It's a movie starring Leslie Neilson, but that's not important right now."

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 06, 2020, 07:05:43 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 06, 2020, 06:30:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 06, 2020, 06:19:42 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2020, 06:14:56 PM
Doctor: "You have the same disease as the girl in airplane."
Me: "Oh my God-what is it."
Doctor: "It's a movie starring Leslie Neilson, but that's not important right now."

;D

;D ;D

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 06, 2020, 10:47:10 PM: BM stop burning your Hawaiian pizza ..................

Put it on aloha setting............... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 07, 2020, 05:39:29 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 06, 2020, 10:47:10 PM
BM stop burning your Hawaiian pizza ..................

Put it on aloha setting............... Thumbs:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 07, 2020, 07:46:29 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 07, 2020, 05:39:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 06, 2020, 10:47:10 PM
BM stop burning your Hawaiian pizza ..................

Put it on aloha setting............... Thumbs:

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2020, 10:57:18 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 07, 2020, 07:46:29 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 07, 2020, 05:39:29 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 06, 2020, 10:47:10 PM
BM stop burning your Hawaiian pizza ..................

Put it on aloha setting............... Thumbs:

drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 10, 2020, 01:38:53 PM: A man who walks into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 10, 2020, 02:45:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 10, 2020, 01:38:53 PM
A man who walks into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 10, 2020, 05:13:49 PM: There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about the covid. 2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared.........
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.............

Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight................ redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 10, 2020, 05:15:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 10, 2020, 05:13:49 PM
There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about the covid. 2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared.........
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.............

Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight................ redface: redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 10, 2020, 09:04:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 10, 2020, 05:15:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 10, 2020, 05:13:49 PM
There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about the covid. 2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared.........
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.............

Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight................ redface: redface:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 10, 2020, 10:17:46 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on June 10, 2020, 09:04:59 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 10, 2020, 05:15:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 10, 2020, 05:13:49 PM
There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about the covid. 2 guys from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared.........
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.............

Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight................ redface: redface:

happy001
happy001 happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 12, 2020, 10:12:27 AM: The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office.
The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done."
The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"
A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape.
The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!"
The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"
Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape.
This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 12, 2020, 10:26:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 12, 2020, 10:12:27 AM
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office.
The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done."
The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"
A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape.
The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!"
The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"
Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape.
This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 12, 2020, 10:12:44 PM: Has Covid made you wear glasses and a mask ........????

You maybe entitled to condensation ......... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 12, 2020, 10:26:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 12, 2020, 10:12:44 PM
Has Covid made you wear glasses and a mask ........????

You maybe entitled to condensation ......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2020, 06:03:32 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 12, 2020, 10:26:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 12, 2020, 10:12:44 PM
Has Covid made you wear glasses and a mask ........????

You maybe entitled to condensation ......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 13, 2020, 09:36:35 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 13, 2020, 06:03:32 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 12, 2020, 10:26:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 12, 2020, 10:12:44 PM
Has Covid made you wear glasses and a mask ........????

You maybe entitled to condensation ......... Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2020, 09:59:44 AM: A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”

Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 13, 2020, 06:24:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2020, 09:59:44 AM
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”

Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 15, 2020, 08:24:55 PM: Dulux. Best start preparing a statement now..........

There's going to be a lot of upset people when they discover the only paint you think is brilliant.................. is white................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 15, 2020, 09:11:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 15, 2020, 08:24:55 PM
Dulux. Best start preparing a statement now..........

There's going to be a lot of upset people when they discover the only paint you think is brilliant.................. is white................ noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 16, 2020, 07:14:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 15, 2020, 09:11:27 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 15, 2020, 08:24:55 PM
Dulux. Best start preparing a statement now..........

There's going to be a lot of upset people when they discover the only paint you think is brilliant.................. is white................ noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

Pure white too! eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2020, 04:26:55 PM: A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 17, 2020, 05:11:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2020, 04:26:55 PM
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on June 17, 2020, 05:46:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 17, 2020, 05:11:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2020, 04:26:55 PM
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

noooo:

It's no worse than some of the jokes you've come up with... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 17, 2020, 07:57:49 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2020, 04:26:55 PM
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2020, 04:16:14 PM: https://twitter.com/RadishRave/status/1273551336588656641

BREAKING: work on Boris Johnson's tail fin nears completion.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EayQMLSXQAI0Nzp?format=jpg&name=small)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 21, 2020, 06:45:04 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 20, 2020, 04:16:14 PM
https://twitter.com/RadishRave/status/1273551336588656641

BREAKING: work on Boris Johnson's tail fin nears completion.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EayQMLSXQAI0Nzp?format=jpg&name=small)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM: ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 22, 2020, 03:48:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)

Thumbs: redface: cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2020, 05:04:03 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 22, 2020, 03:48:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)

Thumbs: redface: cussing:

I didn't think it was The Inner London Education Authority... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 22, 2020, 06:07:07 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 05:04:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 22, 2020, 03:48:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)

Thumbs: redface: cussing:

I didn't think it was The Inner London Education Authority... ::)

Me too Banghead
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 22, 2020, 08:25:11 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 22, 2020, 06:07:07 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 05:04:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 22, 2020, 03:48:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)

Thumbs: redface: cussing:

I didn't think it was The Inner London Education Authority... ::)

Me too Banghead
ditto

Who'd think the ILEA would sponsor schools, do get real Apey
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 22, 2020, 11:18:13 AM: A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

shocked003
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2020, 12:49:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 22, 2020, 08:25:11 AM
Quote from: Just One More on June 22, 2020, 06:07:07 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 05:04:03 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 22, 2020, 03:48:31 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2020, 03:46:12 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 21, 2020, 08:25:41 PM
ILEA are sponsoring schools now ......... Thumbs:

Assembly ..now takes hours ......... noooo:

IKEA...? ::)

Thumbs: redface: cussing:

I didn't think it was The Inner London Education Authority... ::)

Me too Banghead
ditto

Who'd think the ILEA would sponsor schools, do get real Apey

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2020, 07:56:15 AM: I got a decorator in on Monday. We chatted for a while and it turned out he was an Airline Pilot on furlough...

...But I have to admit, he made a great job of the landing.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 24, 2020, 08:09:45 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 24, 2020, 07:56:15 AM
I got a decorator in on Monday. We chatted for a while and it turned out he was an Airline Pilot on furlough...

...But I have to admit, he made a great job of the landing.

AFFS....... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 25, 2020, 10:47:48 AM: Affs?

Went to my local chip shop and asked for fish and chips.
The man behind the counter slapped the fish 5 times before bagging it for me.
Confused I asked him why he did that.
He told me that the fish tastes better if you slap it before serving.
I thought what a load of old cods wallop.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2020, 10:52:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 25, 2020, 10:47:48 AM
Affs?

Went to my local chip shop and asked for fish and chips.
The man behind the counter slapped the fish 5 times before bagging it for me.
Confused I asked him why he did that.
He told me that the fish tastes better if you slap it before serving.
I thought what a load of old cods wallop.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on June 25, 2020, 06:40:43 PM: It's now a 3 way race on here for who has the worst dad jokes, Steve, Apey or Baldymort... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 28, 2020, 09:59:05 AM: My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking?
Apparently Slimming World wasn't the right answer!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 28, 2020, 10:16:55 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 28, 2020, 09:59:05 AM
My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking?
Apparently Slimming World wasn't the right answer!

lol: lol: lol: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2020, 10:55:07 AM: A man walks into a library and says to the librarian,
"Do you have that book for men with a small penis that's just come out?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on June 29, 2020, 05:54:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2020, 10:55:07 AM
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian,
"Do you have that book for men with a small penis that's just come out?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 02, 2020, 01:15:23 PM: https://youtu.be/HnoFh-nN1KI?t=53

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 03, 2020, 01:42:17 PM: Yesterday my wife found a cockroach in the kitchen.
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 03, 2020, 02:58:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 03, 2020, 01:42:17 PM
Yesterday my wife found a cockroach in the kitchen.
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

Thumbs: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 03, 2020, 03:15:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 03, 2020, 01:42:17 PM
Yesterday my wife found a cockroach in the kitchen.
She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 03, 2020, 04:13:12 PM: Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers?
I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2020, 04:22:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 03, 2020, 04:13:12 PM
Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers?
I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM: Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 04, 2020, 02:31:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

Get your Jacket....... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:47:04 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 04, 2020, 02:31:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

Get your Jacket....... noooo:

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 04, 2020, 03:28:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 04, 2020, 03:28:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:47:04 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 04, 2020, 02:31:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

Get your Jacket....... noooo:

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 04, 2020, 06:58:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on July 04, 2020, 03:28:59 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:47:04 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 04, 2020, 02:31:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

Get your Jacket....... noooo:

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 04, 2020, 09:15:25 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 06:58:39 PM
Quote from: Just One More on July 04, 2020, 03:28:59 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:47:04 PM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 04, 2020, 02:31:18 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 04, 2020, 02:25:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2020, 02:25:15 PM
Irish mixed grill:
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes,
waffles and hash browns with chips.

lol: lol: lol:

Get your Jacket....... noooo:

drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 05, 2020, 10:32:18 AM: Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 05, 2020, 11:44:45 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 05, 2020, 10:32:18 AM
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 05, 2020, 12:02:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 05, 2020, 11:44:45 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 05, 2020, 10:32:18 AM
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 05, 2020, 01:09:20 PM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 05, 2020, 12:02:25 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 05, 2020, 11:44:45 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 05, 2020, 10:32:18 AM
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

;D

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 06, 2020, 11:00:51 AM: Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.
He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 06, 2020, 11:05:56 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 06, 2020, 11:00:51 AM
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.
He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 07, 2020, 10:13:51 AM: It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:? "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good! Who said, Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1876."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 07, 2020, 11:10:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 07, 2020, 10:13:51 AM
It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:? "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good! Who said, Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1876."
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 07, 2020, 07:00:21 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 07, 2020, 11:10:48 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 07, 2020, 10:13:51 AM
It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:? "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good! Who said, Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1876."
lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Misty on July 11, 2020, 10:58:53 AM: I treasured my ex girlfriend...............

You'll need a map and a fucking shovel to find her........... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2020, 11:32:19 AM: Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 11, 2020, 10:58:53 AM
I treasured my ex girlfriend...............

You'll need a map and a fucking shovel to find her........... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 11, 2020, 07:48:16 PM: A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....
Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.
Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."
Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the plane and he also is blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The passengers seem very concerned at this point.
The Flight Attendant again takes the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen as you all saw the Co Pilot is also blind but rest assured you are in the hands of the second best pilot as he has over 5,000 successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway, as it gains speed the passengers grow tenser. The plane accelerates more and more approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off.... faster and faster..still on the ground, as its almost to the end the passengers look on until eventually the Passengers scream.."OMG WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!" ..., then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent.
At this point the Pilot turns to the Co-Pilot and says, "Holy Crap, the day these fuckers stop screaming we're fucked!!!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 11, 2020, 08:00:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2020, 11:32:19 AM
Quote from: miss Tchevious on July 11, 2020, 10:58:53 AM
I treasured my ex girlfriend...............

You'll need a map and a fucking shovel to find her........... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 11, 2020, 08:01:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 11, 2020, 07:48:16 PM
A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....
Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.
Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."
Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the plane and he also is blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The passengers seem very concerned at this point.
The Flight Attendant again takes the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen as you all saw the Co Pilot is also blind but rest assured you are in the hands of the second best pilot as he has over 5,000 successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway, as it gains speed the passengers grow tenser. The plane accelerates more and more approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off.... faster and faster..still on the ground, as its almost to the end the passengers look on until eventually the Passengers scream.."OMG WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!" ..., then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent.
At this point the Pilot turns to the Co-Pilot and says, "Holy Crap, the day these fuckers stop screaming we're fucked!!!"

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 12, 2020, 03:30:36 PM: Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend.
O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.
His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks.
"‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌‌n t‌‌he g‌‌arage a‌‌nd y‌‌ou p‌‌robably s‌‌hould j‌‌ust c‌‌onsider s‌‌elling a‌‌ll y‌‌our c‌‌ars.
Tom g‌‌ets t‌‌his h‌‌orrified l‌‌ook o‌‌n h‌‌is f‌‌ace.
S‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌Darling, w‌‌hat's w‌‌rong?"
"There f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute y‌‌ou w‌‌ere s‌‌tarting t‌‌o s‌‌ound l‌‌ike m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife."
"Ex-wife!", s‌‌he s‌‌creams, "‌‌You n‌‌ever t‌‌old m‌‌e y‌‌ou w‌‌ere m‌‌arried b‌‌efore!"
Tom's r‌‌eply: "‌‌I w‌‌asn't".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 13, 2020, 07:21:00 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 12, 2020, 03:30:36 PM
Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend.
O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.
His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks.
"‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌‌n t‌‌he g‌‌arage a‌‌nd y‌‌ou p‌‌robably s‌‌hould j‌‌ust c‌‌onsider s‌‌elling a‌‌ll y‌‌our c‌‌ars.
Tom g‌‌ets t‌‌his h‌‌orrified l‌‌ook o‌‌n h‌‌is f‌‌ace.
S‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌Darling, w‌‌hat's w‌‌rong?"
"There f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute y‌‌ou w‌‌ere s‌‌tarting t‌‌o s‌‌ound l‌‌ike m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife."
"Ex-wife!", s‌‌he s‌‌creams, "‌‌You n‌‌ever t‌‌old m‌‌e y‌‌ou w‌‌ere m‌‌arried b‌‌efore!"
Tom's r‌‌eply: "‌‌I w‌‌asn't".

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 16, 2020, 11:06:51 AM: Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter.
He told the two women, "you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket."

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket.
Soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her.
The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, "I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great,"
and the handsome man looked at her and said, "I am not sure either, all I did was step on a duck."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 18, 2020, 08:51:47 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 16, 2020, 11:06:51 AM
Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter.
He told the two women, "you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket."

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket.
Soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her.
The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, "I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great,"
and the handsome man looked at her and said, "I am not sure either, all I did was step on a duck."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 19, 2020, 02:57:02 PM: I got sacked as the tour guide of the Vatican City.

As I was talking about the Pope, we turned a corner and I said "Ah, speak of the devil"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 20, 2020, 11:39:56 AM: Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paints, who died this morning from hypothermia on the top of a mountain.

It's been reported that he could've done with another coat.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 20, 2020, 12:39:16 PM: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2020, 03:10:33 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 20, 2020, 12:39:16 PM
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 20, 2020, 06:57:10 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 20, 2020, 03:10:33 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 20, 2020, 12:39:16 PM
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 20, 2020, 10:02:44 PM: I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????

I said ...not the same since that Carol left ... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 21, 2020, 05:34:02 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2020, 10:02:44 PM
I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????

I said ...not the same since that Carol left ... noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 21, 2020, 08:42:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 21, 2020, 05:34:02 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2020, 10:02:44 PM
I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????

I said ...not the same since that Carol left ... noooo:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 21, 2020, 09:28:20 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 21, 2020, 08:42:34 AM
Quote from: Barman on July 21, 2020, 05:34:02 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 20, 2020, 10:02:44 PM
I went to Ireland , someone asked what I thought of County Down ....????

I said ...not the same since that Carol left ... noooo:

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 23, 2020, 03:59:14 PM: I scared the postman today by going to the door with a bloodied knife

I'm not sure what scared him more.
The knife or the fact I knew where he lived.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 23, 2020, 04:16:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 23, 2020, 03:59:14 PM
I scared the postman today by going to the door with a bloodied knife

I'm not sure what scared him more.
The knife or the fact I knew where he lived.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2020, 04:57:29 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 23, 2020, 04:16:22 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 23, 2020, 03:59:14 PM
I scared the postman today by going to the door with a bloodied knife

I'm not sure what scared him more.
The knife or the fact I knew where he lived.

;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2020, 10:37:32 AM: BTW the original version of that joke ^ said 'going to the door naked' I just didn't think it worked as well like that so I changed it
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2020, 10:38:00 AM: Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌
"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌
"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2020, 11:03:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 28, 2020, 10:38:00 AM
Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌
"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌
"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2020, 12:38:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2020, 11:03:30 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 28, 2020, 10:38:00 AM
Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌
"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌
"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Originally Dave Allen stage show, mid 70's. :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2020, 01:04:15 PM: :thumbsup: ^

If Dave Allen racks up here and posts "Affs" I will apologise. Have to do the right thing you know
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2020, 09:56:29 AM: Went to the restaurant the other day and asked the waitress
"Can you tell me about the menu please?"

She smacked my face and told me that "The men I please are none of your business!!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2020, 09:57:42 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 03, 2020, 09:56:29 AM
Went to the restaurant the other day and asked the waitress
"Can you tell me about the menu please?"

She smacked my face and told me that "The men I please are none of your business!!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2020, 01:28:52 PM: A man who is obsessed with wasps finds out that a record called a chorus of wasps has come out.

Being sceptical because of the digital era and thinking the sound may have been electronically produced, he goes to a record shop and requests to listen to it before buying.

So..with headphones on he listens.

After a minute the man rips the headphones off and says to the shop keeper, "I knew it..that sounds nothing like wasps".

Puzzled, the shop keeper looks at the record and says "oh sorry sir, that was the bee side"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2020, 03:49:19 PM: tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 04, 2020, 01:37:31 AM: Don't give up the day job BM tunble:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 04, 2020, 05:21:21 AM: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2020, 11:17:18 AM: (obvs some won't find this funny but . . .)

Donald Trump is sleeping in the White House one night.
He wakes up as the ghost of George Washington appears.
Trump asks the ghost, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington replies, “Never tell a lie.”
“I don’t think I can do that,” says Trump and goes back to sleep.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Trump again asks, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson replies, “Listen to the people.”
Trump says, “Oh! I really don’t want to do that,” and goes back to sleep.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Once again Trump asks, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theatre.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2020, 11:18:48 AM: Got beat up by a mime the other day!!
He did unspeakable things to me.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 04, 2020, 12:00:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 04, 2020, 11:18:48 AM
Got beat up by a mime the other day!!
He did unspeakable things to me.

AFFS!

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=6101.msg584014#msg584014
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 04, 2020, 12:39:08 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 05, 2020, 09:25:26 AM: Is it too early make jokes about the explosion in Beirut......... rubschin:

or should I wait for the dust to settle.................... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2020, 09:38:22 AM: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2020, 12:34:13 PM: Two guys are in a meeting at work.
The first guy says "Hey I think we should stop testing our products on animals."

The second guy tells him "look, I know it sucks but animal testing is an unfortunate necessity in saving human lives - look at the pharmaceutical industry."

The first guy goes "yeah, but we make hammers."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 05, 2020, 01:05:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 05, 2020, 12:34:13 PM
Two guys are in a meeting at work.
The first guy says "Hey I think we should stop testing our products on animals."

The second guy tells him "look, I know it sucks but animal testing is an unfortunate necessity in saving human lives - look at the pharmaceutical industry."

The first guy goes "yeah, but we make hammers."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 05, 2020, 07:06:13 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 05, 2020, 09:25:26 AM
Is it too early make jokes about the explosion in Beirut......... rubschin:

or should I wait for the dust to settle.................... whistle:

lol: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 06, 2020, 11:12:31 AM: My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 06, 2020, 11:25:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 06, 2020, 11:12:31 AM
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 07, 2020, 12:21:24 PM: My mates flight from Gibraltar to Glasgow has been cancelled.

Now he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 07, 2020, 12:48:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 07, 2020, 12:21:24 PM
My mates flight from Gibraltar to Glasgow has been cancelled.

Now he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 07, 2020, 01:25:45 PM: Need a job? Plenty of jobs in a chemical plant in Beruit.............

Days are rubbish, but the nitrate is excellent.............. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 07, 2020, 02:52:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 07, 2020, 01:25:45 PM
Need a job? Plenty of jobs in a chemical plant in Beruit.............

Days are rubbish, but the nitrate is excellent.............. Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 07, 2020, 09:59:49 PM: The wife was so worried the mechanic would rip her off because she's a woman.

Imagine her relief when he said she only needed indicator fluid.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 08, 2020, 06:13:02 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 07, 2020, 09:59:49 PM
The wife was so worried the mechanic would rip her off because she's a woman.

Imagine her relief when he said she only needed indicator fluid.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 08, 2020, 08:24:45 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 08, 2020, 06:13:02 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 07, 2020, 09:59:49 PM
The wife was so worried the mechanic would rip her off because she's a woman.

Imagine her relief when he said she only needed indicator fluid.

;D

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/E6GsXhBb10k" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 08, 2020, 10:42:31 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 08, 2020, 06:13:02 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 07, 2020, 09:59:49 PM
The wife was so worried the mechanic would rip her off because she's a woman.

Imagine her relief when he said she only needed indicator fluid.

;D

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/E6GsXhBb10k" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 09, 2020, 03:19:32 PM: Dad’s first drink with his son.
I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only a couple of miles from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness, he didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 09, 2020, 04:55:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 09, 2020, 03:19:32 PM
Dad’s first drink with his son.
I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only a couple of miles from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness, he didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 11, 2020, 10:37:07 AM: Riotous BLM Protesters Suddenly Realise They're All White People (https://babylonbee.com/news/riotous-blm-protest-suddenly-realizes-they-dont-have-any-black-people)

Quote
CHARLESTON, SC—A Black Lives Matter protest in South Carolina started to get out of hand, with people screaming at police officers stationed nearby. It threatened to get violent until the protestors paused after noticing they were all white.

“We will not let your system oppress us!” shouted one protestor, to which a black officer responded, “What do you mean by ‘we’?” The protestor said he meant people of color, but it was at that time that he took inventory of the protestors behind him and was unable to find anyone other than white people.

The protestors insisted they had some black people with them earlier, but it appeared that they had all left when the protest started to get out of hand. “It’s possible they had jobs,” suggested one protestor.

Though initially shaken by the lack of black lives in their Black Lives Matter protest, the protestors soon got back to throwing things and screaming at police officers in their attempt to battle racism. “We still need to fight for black lives,” said one protestor, “even if they want nothing to do with us.”

The group has taken out a want ad hoping to hire a few black people to join their next event.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 11, 2020, 10:48:54 AM: Problem is some will believe that's a true story and not a joke from a joke site

Oh shit they already have: https://www.worldtribune.com/we-blm-protesters-have-a-white-bread-moment-pledge-to-hire-blacks/ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 15, 2020, 10:44:00 AM: My wife says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk...
Like that's gonna happen with the start of conker season !!!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 16, 2020, 09:18:11 PM: Believe it or not Cliff Richard dated tennis star Sue Barker in 1980....... rubschin:

That year she remained unseeded................... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 16, 2020, 09:36:10 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2020, 09:18:11 PM
Believe it or not Cliff Richard dated tennis star Sue Barker in 1980....... rubschin:

That year she remained unseeded................... noooo:
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 16, 2020, 10:45:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2020, 09:36:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2020, 09:18:11 PM
Believe it or not Cliff Richard dated tennis star Sue Barker in 1980....... rubschin:

That year she remained unseeded................... noooo:
drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 17, 2020, 05:16:06 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2020, 10:45:22 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2020, 09:36:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2020, 09:18:11 PM
Believe it or not Cliff Richard dated tennis star Sue Barker in 1980....... rubschin:

That year she remained unseeded................... noooo:
drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 17, 2020, 08:58:46 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 17, 2020, 05:16:06 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 16, 2020, 10:45:22 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2020, 09:36:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 16, 2020, 09:18:11 PM
Believe it or not Cliff Richard dated tennis star Sue Barker in 1980....... rubschin:

That year she remained unseeded................... noooo:
drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:31:52 AM: Just walking through the shopping centre in Weston and a guy from npower come upto me and asked where do I get my energy from.
I said "3 pints of John Smith normally does it"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:33:08 AM: WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

Schrodinger's Cat.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 19, 2020, 11:42:09 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:33:08 AM
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

Schrodinger's Cat.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 19, 2020, 08:46:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2020, 11:42:09 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:33:08 AM
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

Schrodinger's Cat.

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on August 20, 2020, 07:42:38 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2020, 08:46:56 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2020, 11:42:09 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:33:08 AM
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

Schrodinger's Cat.

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs: ;D

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 20, 2020, 09:15:09 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on August 20, 2020, 07:42:38 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on August 19, 2020, 08:46:56 PM
Quote from: Barman on August 19, 2020, 11:42:09 AM
Quote from: Steve on August 19, 2020, 11:33:08 AM
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE.

Schrodinger's Cat.

lol: lol: lol:

Thumbs: ;D

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 20, 2020, 03:06:58 PM: If you or anyone you know suffer from obesity then you’ll find Weightwatchers to be a friendly and sensitive organization.
So if you’re seeking advice, or just fancy a chat why not pop in.
Their double doors are always open !!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 20, 2020, 05:24:03 PM: I like my women like my whiskey .........

16 years old and mixed with coke ........ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 26, 2020, 05:41:20 PM: I wasn’t feeling very well so I went to my doctor.
Doctor: Are you eating a good diet?
Me: Yeah, I eat snooker balls.
Doctor: Snooker balls!!!
Me: Yeah, yesterday I ate three reds, two yellows and a black.
Today I’ve had a brown, four pinks and a blue.
Doctor: Well there’s your problem then. You’re not eating enough greens.

I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2020, 05:21:49 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 20, 2020, 05:24:03 PM
I like my women like my whiskey .........

16 years old and mixed with coke ........ Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 27, 2020, 05:22:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 26, 2020, 05:41:20 PM
I wasn’t feeling very well so I went to my doctor.
Doctor: Are you eating a good diet?
Me: Yeah, I eat snooker balls.
Doctor: Snooker balls!!!
Me: Yeah, yesterday I ate three reds, two yellows and a black.
Today I’ve had a brown, four pinks and a blue.
Doctor: Well there’s your problem then. You’re not eating enough greens.

I'll get me coat.

*groans* lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 30, 2020, 08:35:14 AM: I walked past the house I grew up in today. I felt nostalgic so I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake, but they told me to fuck off or they were calling the police. I didn’t even realise my parents still lived there.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 30, 2020, 09:02:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2020, 08:35:14 AM
I walked past the house I grew up in today. I felt nostalgic so I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake, but they told me to fuck off or they were calling the police. I didn’t even realise my parents still lived there.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on August 30, 2020, 09:58:46 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2020, 09:02:00 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2020, 08:35:14 AM
I walked past the house I grew up in today. I felt nostalgic so I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake, but they told me to fuck off or they were calling the police. I didn’t even realise my parents still lived there.

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 30, 2020, 10:36:57 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 30, 2020, 09:58:46 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2020, 09:02:00 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2020, 08:35:14 AM
I walked past the house I grew up in today. I felt nostalgic so I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake, but they told me to fuck off or they were calling the police. I didn’t even realise my parents still lived there.

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 30, 2020, 08:53:22 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 30, 2020, 10:36:57 AM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on August 30, 2020, 09:58:46 AM
Quote from: Barman on August 30, 2020, 09:02:00 AM
Quote from: Just One More on August 30, 2020, 08:35:14 AM
I walked past the house I grew up in today. I felt nostalgic so I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake, but they told me to fuck off or they were calling the police. I didn’t even realise my parents still lived there.

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001

Thumbs: cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2020, 10:42:23 AM: I went to Anger management and my therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2020, 11:00:02 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2020, 10:42:23 AM
I went to Anger management and my therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 04, 2020, 11:08:28 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2020, 11:00:02 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2020, 10:42:23 AM
I went to Anger management and my therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

razz:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 04, 2020, 06:03:22 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 04, 2020, 11:08:28 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2020, 11:00:02 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2020, 10:42:23 AM
I went to Anger management and my therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

razz:

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 04, 2020, 11:52:46 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 04, 2020, 06:03:22 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 04, 2020, 11:08:28 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2020, 11:00:02 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2020, 10:42:23 AM
I went to Anger management and my therapist told me that a great way to let go of my anger is to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering, do I still keep the letters?

razz:

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2020, 10:22:51 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq/118932721-10208564738912647-2263876705871867780-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 08, 2020, 11:05:08 AM: happy001
Quote from: Barman on September 08, 2020, 10:22:51 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq/118932721-10208564738912647-2263876705871867780-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 08, 2020, 11:38:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 08, 2020, 10:22:51 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq/118932721-10208564738912647-2263876705871867780-o.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GHd1TPRq)

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 11, 2020, 09:45:19 AM: SEVEN GOLDEN RULES FOR F***ING.

1. F***ing twice a week is good for your health.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. When f***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

7. F***ing makes you more committed and you can be sensitive and receive from above.

SO REMEMBER - *FASTING* is good for your health.

Does wonders to cleanse your body,
Your MIND not so much.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 11, 2020, 11:00:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 11, 2020, 09:45:19 AM
SEVEN GOLDEN RULES FOR F***ING.

1. F***ing twice a week is good for your health.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. When f***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

7. F***ing makes you more committed and you can be sensitive and receive from above.

SO REMEMBER - *FASTING* is good for your health.

Does wonders to cleanse your body,
Your MIND not so much.

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 11, 2020, 11:25:06 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/PvZsjPF2/119215021-3531435930251162-8066232473976903759-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/PvZsjPF2)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 11, 2020, 11:28:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 11, 2020, 11:25:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/PvZsjPF2/119215021-3531435930251162-8066232473976903759-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/PvZsjPF2)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 11, 2020, 04:56:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 11, 2020, 11:00:19 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 11, 2020, 09:45:19 AM
SEVEN GOLDEN RULES FOR F***ING.

1. F***ing twice a week is good for your health.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. When f***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

7. F***ing makes you more committed and you can be sensitive and receive from above.

SO REMEMBER - *FASTING* is good for your health.

Does wonders to cleanse your body,
Your MIND not so much.

razz:

;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 14, 2020, 06:55:09 AM: A Welsh man rings a restaurant.
"Can I book a nice table for a romantic meal for two, please?"
"The name?"
"Stuart, with a U."
"Sorry sir, you can come, but we don't allow sheep on the premises."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2020, 07:03:35 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 14, 2020, 06:55:09 AM
A Welsh man rings a restaurant.
"Can I book a nice table for a romantic meal for two, please?"
"The name?"
"Stuart, with a U."
"Sorry sir, you can come, but we don't allow sheep on the premises."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2020, 09:26:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2020, 07:03:35 AM
Quote from: Just One More on September 14, 2020, 06:55:09 AM
A Welsh man rings a restaurant.
"Can I book a nice table for a romantic meal for two, please?"
"The name?"
"Stuart, with a U."
"Sorry sir, you can come, but we don't allow sheep on the premises."

;D
;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 14, 2020, 11:27:00 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 14, 2020, 06:55:09 AM
A Welsh man rings a restaurant.
"Can I book a nice table for a romantic meal for two, please?"
"The name?"
"Stuart, with a U."
"Sorry sir, you can come, but we don't allow sheep on the premises."

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 14, 2020, 12:48:42 PM: How do you milk sheep?.....................

Bring out a new iphone and charge
a £1000 for it................. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2020, 01:45:31 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 14, 2020, 12:48:42 PM
How do you milk sheep?.....................

Bring out a new iphone and charge
a £1000 for it................. Thumbs:

;D

AFFS...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 14, 2020, 04:21:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2020, 01:45:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 14, 2020, 12:48:42 PM
How do you milk sheep?.....................

Bring out a new iphone and charge
a £1000 for it................. Thumbs:

;D

AFFS...? rubschin:

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 15, 2020, 05:48:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 14, 2020, 01:45:31 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 14, 2020, 12:48:42 PM
How do you milk sheep?.....................

Bring out a new iphone and charge
a £1000 for it................. Thumbs:

;D

AFFS...? rubschin:

It's an "update " then .... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 17, 2020, 11:37:32 AM: Today’s Maths problem:

If George is 78 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 19, 2020, 12:10:36 PM: I often wonder if, when Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to heaven,
St Peter hides behind the pearly gates and pretends he's not in?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:06:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 19, 2020, 12:10:36 PM
I often wonder if, when Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to heaven,
St Peter hides behind the pearly gates and pretends he's not in?

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:29:15 PM: If anybody's got any ideas how to fix my terrible condensation problem, please pop round, the kettle's always on.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 19, 2020, 01:56:20 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:29:15 PM
If anybody's got any ideas how to fix my terrible condensation problem, please pop round, the kettle's always on.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2020, 02:58:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:06:07 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 19, 2020, 12:10:36 PM
I often wonder if, when Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to heaven,
St Peter hides behind the pearly gates and pretends he's not in?

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 19, 2020, 02:59:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 19, 2020, 01:56:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:29:15 PM
If anybody's got any ideas how to fix my terrible condensation problem, please pop round, the kettle's always on.
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 20, 2020, 08:35:11 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 19, 2020, 02:59:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 19, 2020, 01:56:20 PM
Quote from: Barman on September 19, 2020, 01:29:15 PM
If anybody's got any ideas how to fix my terrible condensation problem, please pop round, the kettle's always on.
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 20, 2020, 01:13:21 PM: What is it with some people?

You offer a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 20, 2020, 01:45:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 20, 2020, 01:13:21 PM
What is it with some people?

You offer a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 20, 2020, 02:15:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 20, 2020, 01:45:58 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 20, 2020, 01:13:21 PM
What is it with some people?

You offer a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 21, 2020, 11:27:46 AM: I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........

Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 21, 2020, 11:29:16 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 21, 2020, 11:27:46 AM
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........

Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 21, 2020, 11:42:14 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 21, 2020, 11:27:46 AM
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........

Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike......... noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 21, 2020, 05:01:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 21, 2020, 11:29:16 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 21, 2020, 11:27:46 AM
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger. As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating." I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out...........

Knocking some poor c£$t off his motorbike......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 24, 2020, 10:15:46 PM: My mate had builders in doing an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.
At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money and she duly handed it over to the cashier.....

The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension.....

"Wonderful." said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week too."??.....

She said, " I will if those wankers from Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time."

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2020, 11:06:49 PM: Got to be an Affs, it's in Bill Bryson's book I read in 2000
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 25, 2020, 04:06:40 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 24, 2020, 11:06:49 PM
Got to be an Affs, it's in Bill Bryson's book I read in 2000

Indeed... whistle:

https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=2767.msg55257#msg55257
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:22:55 PM: It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2020, 05:42:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:22:55 PM
It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:45:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 06, 2020, 05:42:43 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:22:55 PM
It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... lol:
And proud of it :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 06, 2020, 05:49:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:45:26 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 06, 2020, 05:42:43 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 06, 2020, 05:22:55 PM
It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December,
our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. We are limited to 30 mourners (including the turkey).
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

It is obvious that you don't do FaceArse... lol:
And proud of it :thumbsup:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 08, 2020, 11:03:49 AM: I told the wife "The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches."
"OK" she said, "Just throw them out."
So I'm now just packing their suitcases.
LOOK, I'm just as surprised as you are!!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 08, 2020, 11:05:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 08, 2020, 11:03:49 AM
I told the wife "The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches."
"OK" she said, "Just throw them out."
So I'm now just packing their suitcases.
LOOK, I'm just as surprised as you are!!!!

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 14, 2020, 03:32:06 PM: Last night the wife randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

She was Tolkien in her sleep!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 14, 2020, 03:56:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 14, 2020, 03:32:06 PM
Last night the wife randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

She was Tolkien in her sleep!

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 18, 2020, 10:07:11 AM: When the inventor of Tupperware died,

His funeral was held up as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2020, 10:07:44 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 18, 2020, 10:07:11 AM
When the inventor of Tupperware died,

His funeral was held up as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 18, 2020, 12:30:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2020, 10:07:44 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 18, 2020, 10:07:11 AM
When the inventor of Tupperware died,

His funeral was held up as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.

lol: lol: lol:

Also in "Fresh from the Inbox"........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 18, 2020, 03:11:13 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 18, 2020, 12:30:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 18, 2020, 10:07:44 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 18, 2020, 10:07:11 AM
When the inventor of Tupperware died,

His funeral was held up as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.

lol: lol: lol:

Also in "Fresh from the Inbox"........ whistle:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 19, 2020, 06:46:55 PM: A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years!
Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 19, 2020, 07:05:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 19, 2020, 06:46:55 PM
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years!
Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 20, 2020, 06:58:03 AM: I was playing chess with my friend this morning... He said, "lets make this more interesting.. "
So we stopped playing chess
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 20, 2020, 08:38:02 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 20, 2020, 06:58:03 AM
I was playing chess with my friend this morning... He said, "lets make this more interesting.. "
So we stopped playing chess

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 20, 2020, 09:39:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 20, 2020, 08:38:02 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 20, 2020, 06:58:03 AM
I was playing chess with my friend this morning... He said, "lets make this more interesting.. "
So we stopped playing chess

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 20, 2020, 01:38:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 20, 2020, 09:39:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 20, 2020, 08:38:02 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 20, 2020, 06:58:03 AM
I was playing chess with my friend this morning... He said, "lets make this more interesting.. "
So we stopped playing chess

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 21, 2020, 01:50:32 PM: As I was Walking Through The Cemetery I Saw A Man Kneeling By A Man's Grave
He Was Weeping And Saying "Why Did You Die? Why Did You Die?"
I Asked Him "Was He Your Father?"
He Shook his Head And Said "Why Did You Die? Why Did You Die?"
I Asked "Was He Your Brother!"
He Shook his Head Again And Said "Why Did You Die?"
I Asked "Who Was He?"
He Replied "My Wife's First Husband"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 24, 2020, 07:08:54 PM: BREAKING NEWS: Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 25, 2020, 09:18:17 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 24, 2020, 07:08:54 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 25, 2020, 10:14:45 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 24, 2020, 07:08:54 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 26, 2020, 11:01:41 PM: Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 26, 2020, 11:09:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 26, 2020, 11:01:41 PM
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 26, 2020, 11:43:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 26, 2020, 11:09:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 26, 2020, 11:01:41 PM
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2020, 06:28:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2020, 11:43:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 26, 2020, 11:09:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 26, 2020, 11:01:41 PM
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 28, 2020, 12:00:32 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 27, 2020, 06:28:07 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2020, 11:43:26 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 26, 2020, 11:09:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 26, 2020, 11:01:41 PM
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Fuck off!" I snapped "Don't ever fucking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've shagged dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered six kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I watched my mother die. I've taken drugs and shit in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little shit. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits."

Turns out he said Fife.

;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2020, 03:22:22 PM: Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas .
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM: Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2020, 09:37:49 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM
Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on November 01, 2020, 10:51:41 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2020, 09:37:49 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM
Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:

happy001

Shrugs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2020, 12:19:39 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on November 01, 2020, 10:51:41 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2020, 09:37:49 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM
Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:

happy001

Shrugs:

You have to read it with his accent Uncle... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 01, 2020, 06:26:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2020, 09:37:49 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM
Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:

happy001

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 01, 2020, 06:27:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 01, 2020, 06:26:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 01, 2020, 09:37:49 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2020, 04:30:42 PM
Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Just once, though. redface:

happy001

lol: lol: lol:

There is a Roger Moore joke there somewhere .... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 11, 2020, 11:12:06 PM: Hi, I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I have volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine trials that the government are running in partnership with Pfizer. It's important that we all do our part to beat this virus. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. I received my first dose this morning 06:20 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 17, 2020, 03:21:30 PM: A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it.

The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM: I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:58:24 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 17, 2020, 03:21:30 PM
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it.

The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 17, 2020, 04:13:11 PM: I have a Twitter account that I have never used. I have 50 followers. It is like a Quaker meeting angel1 angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2020, 04:34:18 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:

Yes... redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 17, 2020, 04:43:19 PM: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2020, 04:59:02 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 04:43:19 PM
point:

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 17, 2020, 05:28:36 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:

Nah, Windscale
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 17, 2020, 08:22:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 17, 2020, 05:28:36 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:

Nah, Windscale
Not the Beaufart scale?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 17, 2020, 08:38:53 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 17, 2020, 08:22:16 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 17, 2020, 05:28:36 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:

Nah, Windscale
Not the Beaufart scale?
Nah, was thinking of the Not the None O'Clock News 'Windscale Flakes' sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wk0WzCtF0yY
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 18, 2020, 05:01:18 PM: I'm sick of Christmas already..........

I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....

Still,
it's my own fault for marrying her................
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 18, 2020, 05:06:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 17, 2020, 08:38:53 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 17, 2020, 08:22:16 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 17, 2020, 05:28:36 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 17, 2020, 04:15:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 17, 2020, 03:59:17 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 17, 2020, 03:43:55 PM
I love Quaker jokes

happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002 happy002

They give you that warm glow thing... cloud9:

Wasn't that Ready Brek? rubschin:

Nah, Windscale
Not the Beaufart scale?
Nah, was thinking of the Not the None O'Clock News 'Windscale Flakes' sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wk0WzCtF0yY
Thank you for the nostalgia rush. cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2020, 05:15:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2020, 05:01:18 PM
I'm sick of Christmas already..........

I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....

Still,
it's my own fault for marrying her................

happy001

sad24:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2020, 05:32:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 18, 2020, 05:15:28 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2020, 05:01:18 PM
I'm sick of Christmas already..........

I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....

Still,
it's my own fault for marrying her................

happy001

sad24:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 18, 2020, 10:11:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 18, 2020, 05:32:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 18, 2020, 05:15:28 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 18, 2020, 05:01:18 PM
I'm sick of Christmas already..........

I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....

Still,
it's my own fault for marrying her................

happy001

sad24:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 19, 2020, 07:51:27 AM: Government is increasing furlough payments to midgets as they are struggling to put food on the table.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 19, 2020, 09:52:43 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 19, 2020, 07:51:27 AM
Government is increasing furlough payments to midgets as they are struggling to put food on the table.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2020, 01:25:37 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2020, 09:52:43 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 19, 2020, 07:51:27 AM
Government is increasing furlough payments to midgets as they are struggling to put food on the table.
lol: lol: lol:

;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 19, 2020, 09:30:59 PM: If someone calls you fat; don't entertain them

You're bigger than that
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 19, 2020, 10:54:17 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 19, 2020, 09:30:59 PM
If someone calls you fat; don't entertain them

You're bigger than that
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2020, 05:56:16 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2020, 10:54:17 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 19, 2020, 09:30:59 PM
If someone calls you fat; don't entertain them

You're bigger than that
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 09:54:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 05:56:16 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2020, 10:54:17 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 19, 2020, 09:30:59 PM
If someone calls you fat; don't entertain them

You're bigger than that
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 20, 2020, 10:55:39 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 09:54:09 AM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 05:56:16 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 19, 2020, 10:54:17 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 19, 2020, 09:30:59 PM
If someone calls you fat; don't entertain them

You're bigger than that
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM: You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2020, 03:36:29 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM
You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:

happy001

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:55:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 03:36:29 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM
You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:

happy001

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:56:12 PM: A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door.
The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad.”
And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares.”
The mom's like“I think you misunderstood me.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on November 20, 2020, 04:38:32 PM: I was telling a mate of mine that my 'guilty pleasure' was listening to Beyoncé.
He said "Oh well, whatever floats your boat"
I said "No, I think you'll find that's buoyancy..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on November 20, 2020, 04:48:38 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 20, 2020, 04:38:32 PM
I was telling a mate of mine that my 'guilty pleasure' was listening to Beyoncé.
He said "Oh well, whatever floats your boat"
I said "No, I think you'll find that's buoyancy..."

Delete your account.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 04:58:21 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on November 20, 2020, 04:48:38 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 20, 2020, 04:38:32 PM
I was telling a mate of mine that my 'guilty pleasure' was listening to Beyoncé.
He said "Oh well, whatever floats your boat"
I said "No, I think you'll find that's buoyancy..."

Delete your account.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:50:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:55:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 03:36:29 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM
You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:

happy001

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:51:28 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:56:12 PM
A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door.
The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad.”
And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares.”
The mom's like“I think you misunderstood me.”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:52:01 PM: Quote from: Nick on November 20, 2020, 04:38:32 PM
I was telling a mate of mine that my 'guilty pleasure' was listening to Beyoncé.
He said "Oh well, whatever floats your boat"
I said "No, I think you'll find that's buoyancy..."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2020, 05:54:46 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:52:01 PM
Quote from: Nick on November 20, 2020, 04:38:32 PM
I was telling a mate of mine that my 'guilty pleasure' was listening to Beyoncé.
He said "Oh well, whatever floats your boat"
I said "No, I think you'll find that's buoyancy..."

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 20, 2020, 07:16:50 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:50:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:55:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 03:36:29 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM
You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:

happy001

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Unless that was rhyming slang. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 21, 2020, 12:43:45 PM: An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in. The doctor asked,
"Why do you think you have such good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys especially for Thanksgiving."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 21, 2020, 01:00:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2020, 12:43:45 PM
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in. The doctor asked,
"Why do you think you have such good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys especially for Thanksgiving."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 21, 2020, 04:58:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 21, 2020, 01:00:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 21, 2020, 12:43:45 PM
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in. The doctor asked,
"Why do you think you have such good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys especially for Thanksgiving."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 22, 2020, 12:29:50 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 20, 2020, 07:16:50 PM
Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2020, 05:50:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2020, 03:55:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2020, 03:36:29 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2020, 03:32:04 PM
You know you've got a keeper when your girlfriend picks the iron in Monopoly .... whistle:

happy001

rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Unless that was rhyming slang. rubschin:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 23, 2020, 11:55:59 PM: Sony created two new stereos........

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country........

Those are two stereo types........... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2020, 06:48:43 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2020, 11:55:59 PM
Sony created two new stereos........

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country........

Those are two stereo types........... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 24, 2020, 10:34:39 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 24, 2020, 06:48:43 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2020, 11:55:59 PM
Sony created two new stereos........

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country........

Those are two stereo types........... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 27, 2020, 02:57:52 PM: Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars."
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what’s wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!"
Tom. "I wasn’t."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2020, 03:12:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 02:57:52 PM
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars."
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what’s wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!"
Tom. "I wasn’t."

I'm sure that is AFFS but the search engine can't find it... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 27, 2020, 03:39:59 PM: Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2020, 03:46:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 03:39:59 PM
Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said noooo:

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 27, 2020, 04:20:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2020, 03:46:16 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 03:39:59 PM
Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said noooo:

rubschin:
It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2020, 04:26:52 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 27, 2020, 04:20:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2020, 03:46:16 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 03:39:59 PM
Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said noooo:

rubschin:
It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"

lol: lol: lol:

Was it "five bob a week"...?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 27, 2020, 04:58:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 02:57:52 PM
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars."
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what’s wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!"
Tom. "I wasn’t."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on November 27, 2020, 09:21:40 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2020, 04:26:52 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on November 27, 2020, 04:20:39 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2020, 03:46:16 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 27, 2020, 03:39:59 PM
Yep I thought so too but Mr Search engine said noooo:

rubschin:
It's just before "What's a Grecian urn?"

lol: lol: lol:

Was it "five bob a week"...?
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 01, 2020, 12:45:18 PM: Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2020, 12:53:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 01, 2020, 12:45:18 PM
Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 01, 2020, 01:16:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 01, 2020, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 01, 2020, 12:45:18 PM
Looking for advice please...

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 02, 2020, 05:57:54 PM: A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 10, 2020, 06:16:35 PM: When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 10, 2020, 07:01:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 10, 2020, 06:16:35 PM
When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 10, 2020, 08:37:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2020, 07:01:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 10, 2020, 06:16:35 PM
When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 10, 2020, 08:54:11 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 10, 2020, 08:37:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 10, 2020, 07:01:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 10, 2020, 06:16:35 PM
When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate,

Soup was a nightmare.

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2020, 07:16:29 PM: The first rule of the Thesaurus club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gabble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parley, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, or yak about the Thesaurus club.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 17, 2020, 12:20:35 PM: An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other.
Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
He's a bit confused, so he calls the Chemist over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”
The kindly old Chemist replies, with a sly grin, "Well, son, it's all about efficiency and practicality. You see, this pack of 3 is for teenage boys, like yourself. You have one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
“Oh, I see” says the boy. He points to a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for Salesmen,” the Chemist answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday!”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, pointing to the 12-pack.
The Chemist sighed and replied, “Well, those are for married men, like myself. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 17, 2020, 12:49:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 17, 2020, 12:20:35 PM
An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other.
Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
He's a bit confused, so he calls the Chemist over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”
The kindly old Chemist replies, with a sly grin, "Well, son, it's all about efficiency and practicality. You see, this pack of 3 is for teenage boys, like yourself. You have one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
“Oh, I see” says the boy. He points to a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for Salesmen,” the Chemist answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday!”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, pointing to the 12-pack.
The Chemist sighed and replied, “Well, those are for married men, like myself. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 19, 2020, 11:48:08 AM: Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers,
“This goes higher up than we thought.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 19, 2020, 08:18:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 19, 2020, 11:48:08 AM
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers,
“This goes higher up than we thought.”

;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2020, 08:46:32 AM: You may have noticed I've been quiet for a while. It's mainly because of the frequent "debate" going on about Anti-Vaxxers. Mostly the mocking of those with different opinions and jokes being thrown around, and in honesty, I've found it easier to just take a step back than to constantly argue with people.

However, I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the Anti-Vax camp.

There, I've said it.

I have my reasons, like many anti-vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first-hand experience that backs up my stance.

I once had a Vax and it was the shittiest vacuum cleaner ever... it whistles a high pitch noise and interferes with my hearing aids... but my other half loves it.. and it attacks me .. true story

I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet, again and again, to pick up the same biscuit crumbs or dog hair.

I am firmly in the Henry the hoover camp and I will not be told otherwise.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 23, 2020, 09:12:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2020, 08:46:32 AM
You may have noticed I've been quiet for a while. It's mainly because of the frequent "debate" going on about Anti-Vaxxers. Mostly the mocking of those with different opinions and jokes being thrown around, and in honesty, I've found it easier to just take a step back than to constantly argue with people.

However, I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the Anti-Vax camp.

There, I've said it.

I have my reasons, like many anti-vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first-hand experience that backs up my stance.

I once had a Vax and it was the shittiest vacuum cleaner ever... it whistles a high pitch noise and interferes with my hearing aids... but my other half loves it.. and it attacks me .. true story

I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet, again and again, to pick up the same biscuit crumbs or dog hair.

I am firmly in the Henry the hoover camp and I will not be told otherwise.

facepalm: facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 23, 2020, 09:23:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2020, 08:46:32 AM
You may have noticed I've been quiet for a while. It's mainly because of the frequent "debate" going on about Anti-Vaxxers. Mostly the mocking of those with different opinions and jokes being thrown around, and in honesty, I've found it easier to just take a step back than to constantly argue with people.

However, I am now coming forward to stand up and say I'm firmly in the Anti-Vax camp.

There, I've said it.

I have my reasons, like many anti-vaxxers, but it's important that everyone approaches this sensitive topic armed with the information THEY know to be true. I know my truth and I have first-hand experience that backs up my stance.

I once had a Vax and it was the shittiest vacuum cleaner ever... it whistles a high pitch noise and interferes with my hearing aids... but my other half loves it.. and it attacks me .. true story

I will never buy one again. All these armchair experts have clearly never experienced the disappointment of having to go over the same piece of carpet, again and again, to pick up the same biscuit crumbs or dog hair.

I am firmly in the Henry the hoover camp and I will not be told otherwise.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 23, 2020, 03:55:05 PM: After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"..............???

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.".......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2020, 03:59:46 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"..............???

lol: lol: lol:

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.".......... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 23, 2020, 05:04:31 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2020, 03:59:46 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"..............???

lol: lol: lol:

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.".......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 23, 2020, 08:35:08 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 23, 2020, 05:04:31 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2020, 03:59:46 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2020, 03:55:05 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"..............???

lol: lol: lol:

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.".......... whistle:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 24, 2020, 12:12:47 AM: Blonde wants to send a message to her mother overseas.
The man told her it would cost £300, but I don't have £300, but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!
"Anything?" said the man.
“Yes, anything,” said the blonde.
“Follow me,” said the man.
"Now get down on your knees, pull down my zip, and gently take out my penis"
She reached in, and gently with both hands held his penis.
The man closed his eyes, and said, "Well, go ahead!"
The blonde slowly, brought her mouth closer to his penis, while holding it close to her lips, she whispered… .........

"Hello mum, can you hear................??
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 24, 2020, 07:10:19 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 24, 2020, 12:12:47 AM
Blonde wants to send a message to her mother overseas.
The man told her it would cost £300, but I don't have £300, but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!
"Anything?" said the man.
“Yes, anything,” said the blonde.
“Follow me,” said the man.
"Now get down on your knees, pull down my zip, and gently take out my penis"
She reached in, and gently with both hands held his penis.
The man closed his eyes, and said, "Well, go ahead!"
The blonde slowly, brought her mouth closer to his penis, while holding it close to her lips, she whispered… .........

"Hello mum, can you hear................??

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 24, 2020, 07:14:52 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 24, 2020, 07:10:19 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 24, 2020, 12:12:47 AM
Blonde wants to send a message to her mother overseas.
The man told her it would cost £300, but I don't have £300, but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!
"Anything?" said the man.
“Yes, anything,” said the blonde.
“Follow me,” said the man.
"Now get down on your knees, pull down my zip, and gently take out my penis"
She reached in, and gently with both hands held his penis.
The man closed his eyes, and said, "Well, go ahead!"
The blonde slowly, brought her mouth closer to his penis, while holding it close to her lips, she whispered… .........

"Hello mum, can you hear................??

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 26, 2020, 11:26:59 PM: I could not afford a DNA kit for Ancestry ... so I posted I won the Lottery ...
Soon found out who my family were.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2020, 05:25:01 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 26, 2020, 11:26:59 PM
I could not afford a DNA kit for Ancestry ... so I posted I won the Lottery ...
Soon found out who my family were.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2020, 09:10:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2020, 05:25:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 26, 2020, 11:26:59 PM
I could not afford a DNA kit for Ancestry ... so I posted I won the Lottery ...
Soon found out who my family were.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 27, 2020, 10:00:11 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2020, 09:10:24 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 27, 2020, 05:25:01 AM
Quote from: Steve on December 26, 2020, 11:26:59 PM
I could not afford a DNA kit for Ancestry ... so I posted I won the Lottery ...
Soon found out who my family were.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 27, 2020, 01:01:32 PM: likely an Affs but anyway . . .

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 27, 2020, 01:12:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2020, 01:01:32 PM
likely an Affs but anyway . . .

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."

happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 27, 2020, 01:18:48 PM: Quote from: Just One More on December 27, 2020, 01:12:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 27, 2020, 01:01:32 PM
likely an Affs but anyway . . .

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."

happy001 happy001 happy001

happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 31, 2020, 07:44:59 PM: I can’t believe it!!!
I’ve just been accused of being a plagiarist!
Their words not mine.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 31, 2020, 07:47:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 31, 2020, 07:44:59 PM
I can’t believe it!!!
I’ve just been accused of being a plagiarist!
Their words not mine.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 31, 2020, 08:05:15 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on December 31, 2020, 07:47:01 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 31, 2020, 07:44:59 PM
I can’t believe it!!!
I’ve just been accused of being a plagiarist!
Their words not mine.
drumroll:

drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2021, 01:12:23 PM: the Affometer is twitching but why not:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago:
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians."
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Cornwall, Steve Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Steve has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British don't it..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2021, 01:20:04 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2021, 01:12:23 PM
the Affometer is twitching but why not:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago:
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians."
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Cornwall, Steve Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Steve has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British don't it..

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 10, 2021, 01:25:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2021, 01:12:23 PM
the Affometer is twitching but why not:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago:
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians."
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Cornwall, Steve Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Steve has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British don't it..

;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on January 10, 2021, 03:00:04 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 10, 2021, 01:25:15 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2021, 01:12:23 PM
the Affometer is twitching but why not:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago:
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians."
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Cornwall, Steve Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Steve has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British don't it..

;D Thumbs:

Strangely enough I used to work with a guy down here called Steve Williams and it sounds like the kind of thing he would believe... eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 14, 2021, 11:45:10 AM: Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee.

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2021, 11:52:06 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 14, 2021, 11:45:10 AM
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee.

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 14, 2021, 04:06:19 PM: I had a worryingly similar problem with two girlfriends in the 80s. They knew each other. One was upstairs in bed and the other dropped in for a coffee early one morning redface: redface: scared2: scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 14, 2021, 05:29:02 PM: Quote from: Nick on January 14, 2021, 04:06:19 PM
I had a worryingly similar problem with two girlfriends in the 80s. They knew each other. One was upstairs in bed and the other dropped in for a coffee early one morning redface: redface: scared2: scared2:
lol: lol: lol: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 14, 2021, 05:34:40 PM: It was a sweaty moment. I recall hastily hiding a handbag and some shoes behind an armchair redface: redface: scared2: scared2:

Happy days :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 14, 2021, 06:04:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 14, 2021, 11:52:06 AM
Quote from: Steve on January 14, 2021, 11:45:10 AM
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee.

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2021, 06:24:37 PM: Quote from: Nick on January 14, 2021, 05:34:40 PM
It was a sweaty moment. I recall hastily hiding a handbag and some shoes behind an armchair redface: redface: scared2: scared2:

Happy days :thumbsup:

TMJs...... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2021, 07:28:01 PM: Covid vacines may run out soon...... eeek:

Pfizer Chiefs said ."They predict a riot "........ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 14, 2021, 08:32:19 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2021, 07:28:01 PM
Covid vacines may run out soon...... eeek:

Pfizer Chiefs said ."They predict a riot "........ whistle:
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2021, 04:54:51 PM: The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 17, 2021, 12:05:25 PM: Affs?

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: "Who's Valerie?"
Wife: "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text."
Husband: "But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?"
Wife: "What??! Where are you?"
Husband: "Near the bakery."
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: "I’m at the bakery, where are you?"
Husband: "I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 17, 2021, 12:06:03 PM: I used to think drinking was bad for me.

So I gave up thinking.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 19, 2021, 02:09:26 PM: Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole......when an elderly lady was passing below them.
One of the electricians calls her.
"Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?"
"This one, young man?""
"Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!"
"No problem, dear!"
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
"See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the live wire!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 19, 2021, 02:16:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 19, 2021, 02:09:26 PM
Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole......when an elderly lady was passing below them.
One of the electricians calls her.
"Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?"
"This one, young man?""
"Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!"
"No problem, dear!"
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
"See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the live wire!"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 07, 2021, 01:35:20 PM: My wife and I had a little dispute last week and she's still not happy.
She said I should have opened the car door for her,
and I said I thought swimming to the surface and calling for assistance was still the best option.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 07, 2021, 01:55:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2021, 01:35:20 PM
My wife and I had a little dispute last week and she's still not happy.
She said I should have opened the car door for her,
and I said I thought swimming to the surface and calling for assistance was still the best option.

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2021, 05:59:43 PM: Just received my valentines card from moonpig,....

She hates it when I call her that.......... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2021, 06:16:08 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2021, 05:59:43 PM
Just received my valentines card from moonpig,....

She hates it when I call her that.......... noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 16, 2021, 02:12:22 PM: A French catholic priest was walking one night and a policeman comes running to him saying, “ Father, come quickly! A man is about to jump off the Eiffel Tower”
The priest runs to the tower and tries to dissuade the man from jumping.
Priest: "Stop my son! Think of your family! Think of your wife."
Man: "My wife has left me and I have no family. That’s why I’m jumping."
The priest doesn’t give up and tries once more to convince the man not to take his life
Priest: "My son, taking your own life,it is a sin against God, a sin against the Catholic Church."
Man: "I am not a Catholic!"
The priest says, “Oh...okay then- Jump!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 16, 2021, 02:22:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 16, 2021, 02:12:22 PM
A French catholic priest was walking one night and a policeman comes running to him saying, “ Father, come quickly! A man is about to jump off the Eiffel Tower”
The priest runs to the tower and tries to dissuade the man from jumping.
Priest: "Stop my son! Think of your family! Think of your wife."
Man: "My wife has left me and I have no family. That’s why I’m jumping."
The priest doesn’t give up and tries once more to convince the man not to take his life
Priest: "My son, taking your own life,it is a sin against God, a sin against the Catholic Church."
Man: "I am not a Catholic!"
The priest says, “Oh...okay then- Jump!”

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 16, 2021, 03:53:44 PM: Sounds like my mother in law evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 20, 2021, 11:31:14 AM: After God made Adam he said, "I am going to give you a helpmate.
She will be called "woman" and she will be your friend, she will cook for you,
clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper,
when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right."
Adam said, "What would she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?"
The rest is history.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 21, 2021, 12:46:25 PM: A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 21, 2021, 12:57:54 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 21, 2021, 12:46:25 PM
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 21, 2021, 03:01:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 21, 2021, 12:57:54 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 21, 2021, 12:46:25 PM
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 21, 2021, 04:44:17 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/139714843_10158755200339774_8014665145261463954_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=-2heZvdGPOYAX8oxOwY&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&oh=4ef2be8d9b8856601e393a2ed3285269&oe=6058D73A)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 21, 2021, 06:25:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 21, 2021, 04:44:17 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/139714843_10158755200339774_8014665145261463954_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=-2heZvdGPOYAX8oxOwY&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&oh=4ef2be8d9b8856601e393a2ed3285269&oe=6058D73A)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:34:21 PM: Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of a Mr Juan Gonzalez....

First detective says "he was killed with a golf gun"......

Second detective says, "What's a golf gun?"...... rubschin:

First detective "I don't know, but it made a hole in Juan"............... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 27, 2021, 03:37:38 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:34:21 PM
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of a Mr Juan Gonzalez....

First detective says "he was killed with a golf gun"......

Second detective says, "What's a golf gun?"...... rubschin:

First detective "I don't know, but it made a hole in Juan"............... Thumbs:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM: Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 04:00:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

There must be a load of "handicap" jokes too..... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:02:32 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2021, 03:37:38 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:34:21 PM
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the death of a Mr Juan Gonzalez....

First detective says "he was killed with a golf gun"......

Second detective says, "What's a golf gun?"...... rubschin:

First detective "I don't know, but it made a hole in Juan"............... Thumbs:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:02:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:03:15 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 04:00:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

There must be a load of "handicap" jokes too..... rubschin:

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 04:41:25 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:03:15 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 04:00:23 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

There must be a load of "handicap" jokes too..... rubschin:

rubschin:

I am not doing em ..still on FB ban .. evil: another jiggaboo or rasperberry joke ..will not be a good idea,... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 27, 2021, 04:55:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:02:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 27, 2021, 06:35:09 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 27, 2021, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:02:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 27, 2021, 08:38:40 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 27, 2021, 06:35:09 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 27, 2021, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 27, 2021, 04:02:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 27, 2021, 03:56:05 PM
Had a spare few quid in my betting account the other day, put it all on tiger Woods first drive of 2021 to land in the rough,....

hope the bookies pay out........ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2021, 04:31:21 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/155469509_1889203121246491_5790319236656702702_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=M2IVX9042gAAX_E8Xa-&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&tp=7&oh=702e9001d59bb172846c98fcd26f2e0b&oe=6062368C)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 02, 2021, 05:26:55 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2021, 04:31:21 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/155469509_1889203121246491_5790319236656702702_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=M2IVX9042gAAX_E8Xa-&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&tp=7&oh=702e9001d59bb172846c98fcd26f2e0b&oe=6062368C)

lol: lol: sick2: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2021, 06:25:10 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 02, 2021, 05:26:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2021, 04:31:21 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/155469509_1889203121246491_5790319236656702702_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=M2IVX9042gAAX_E8Xa-&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&tp=7&oh=702e9001d59bb172846c98fcd26f2e0b&oe=6062368C)

lol: lol: sick2: sick2:
lol: lol: lol: sick2: sick2: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 03, 2021, 12:50:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 02, 2021, 06:25:10 PM
Quote from: Just One More on March 02, 2021, 05:26:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2021, 04:31:21 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/155469509_1889203121246491_5790319236656702702_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=M2IVX9042gAAX_E8Xa-&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-2.xx&tp=7&oh=702e9001d59bb172846c98fcd26f2e0b&oe=6062368C)

lol: lol: sick2: sick2:
lol: lol: lol: sick2: sick2: sick2:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 06, 2021, 01:13:38 PM: Paddy's in the pub talking to his mate, "Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."
"Oh, I see," he replied, "So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 06, 2021, 01:15:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 06, 2021, 01:13:38 PM
Paddy's in the pub talking to his mate, "Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."
"Oh, I see," he replied, "So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2021, 01:15:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 06, 2021, 01:13:38 PM
Paddy's in the pub talking to his mate, "Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."
"Oh, I see," he replied, "So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 06, 2021, 05:31:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2021, 01:15:12 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 06, 2021, 01:13:38 PM
Paddy's in the pub talking to his mate, "Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."
"Oh, I see," he replied, "So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 07, 2021, 11:47:53 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 06, 2021, 05:31:52 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 06, 2021, 01:15:12 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 06, 2021, 01:13:38 PM
Paddy's in the pub talking to his mate, "Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."
"Oh, I see," he replied, "So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2021, 10:50:41 AM: Jimmy was going in to get circumcised...
he asked his Jewish pal if it was sore.....
"Sore ? ...I had it done at birth..I couldn’t walk for a year after it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2021, 11:58:52 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 09, 2021, 10:50:41 AM
Jimmy was going in to get circumcised...
he asked his Jewish pal if it was sore.....
"Sore ? ...I had it done at birth..I couldn’t walk for a year after it."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 09, 2021, 01:20:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 09, 2021, 11:58:52 AM
Quote from: Steve on March 09, 2021, 10:50:41 AM
Jimmy was going in to get circumcised...
he asked his Jewish pal if it was sore.....
"Sore ? ...I had it done at birth..I couldn’t walk for a year after it."

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 12, 2021, 12:17:28 PM: Two businessmen in Edinburgh were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be New Store..
As yet , the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some 'senior' is going to walk by, put his face to the window , and ask what we're selling"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well then, only two left!"

Moral. Don't fuck with a scotsman.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2021, 12:38:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2021, 12:17:28 PM
Two businessmen in Edinburgh were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be New Store..
As yet , the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some 'senior' is going to walk by, put his face to the window , and ask what we're selling"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well then, only two left!"

Moral. Don't fuck with a scotsman.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 12, 2021, 01:41:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2021, 12:38:21 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2021, 12:17:28 PM
Two businessmen in Edinburgh were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be New Store..
As yet , the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some 'senior' is going to walk by, put his face to the window , and ask what we're selling"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well then, only two left!"

Moral. Don't fuck with a scotsman.

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 12, 2021, 09:18:33 PM: Quote from: Just One More on March 12, 2021, 01:41:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 12, 2021, 12:38:21 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 12, 2021, 12:17:28 PM
Two businessmen in Edinburgh were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be New Store..
As yet , the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some 'senior' is going to walk by, put his face to the window , and ask what we're selling"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "You're doing well then, only two left!"

Moral. Don't fuck with a scotsman.

;D

;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 13, 2021, 12:47:50 PM: I mowed the lawn this morning, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2021, 05:40:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 13, 2021, 12:47:50 PM
I mowed the lawn this morning, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 14, 2021, 06:45:43 PM: I bought the wife one those stress relief stones.
When she's happy it turns green.
When she's angry it leaves a fecking great big lump on my head.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2021, 08:58:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 14, 2021, 06:45:43 PM
I bought the wife one those stress relief stones.
When she's happy it turns green.
When she's angry it leaves a fecking great big lump on my head.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2021, 10:45:45 AM: On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his washing machine warranty had expired.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 21, 2021, 04:12:38 PM: Devastated.

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 24, 2021, 01:14:30 PM: An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 24, 2021, 08:33:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2021, 01:14:30 PM
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2021, 06:31:54 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 24, 2021, 08:33:14 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 24, 2021, 01:14:30 PM
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.
Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2021, 12:09:43 PM: I always thought 'Arse' would be a good name for an Elbow tribute band... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 28, 2021, 03:23:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2021, 12:09:43 PM
I always thought 'Arse' would be a good name for an Elbow tribute band... rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2021, 03:29:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2021, 12:09:43 PM
I always thought 'Arse' would be a good name for an Elbow tribute band... rubschin:

;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2021, 04:51:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2021, 03:29:45 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2021, 12:09:43 PM
I always thought 'Arse' would be a good name for an Elbow tribute band... rubschin:

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2021, 04:56:15 PM: The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment,
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the car park," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off"
"Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!"
"Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2021, 06:52:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 28, 2021, 04:56:15 PM
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment,
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the car park," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off"
"Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!"
"Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 29, 2021, 09:55:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 28, 2021, 04:51:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on March 28, 2021, 03:29:45 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2021, 12:09:43 PM
I always thought 'Arse' would be a good name for an Elbow tribute band... rubschin:

;D ;D Thumbs:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 01, 2021, 08:49:20 PM: My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday... eeek:

I think he must be going soft in his old age........................ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 01, 2021, 08:53:55 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2021, 08:49:20 PM
My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday... eeek:

I think he must be going soft in his old age........................ noooo:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 01, 2021, 09:13:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 01, 2021, 08:53:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2021, 08:49:20 PM
My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday... eeek:

I think he must be going soft in his old age........................ noooo:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2021, 05:59:26 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2021, 09:13:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 01, 2021, 08:53:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2021, 08:49:20 PM
My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday... eeek:

I think he must be going soft in his old age........................ noooo:

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 02, 2021, 11:08:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 02, 2021, 05:59:26 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 01, 2021, 09:13:20 PM
Quote from: Just One More on April 01, 2021, 08:53:55 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 01, 2021, 08:49:20 PM
My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday... eeek:

I think he must be going soft in his old age........................ noooo:

lol:
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 04, 2021, 06:41:18 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/168705835_10159682960674586_8914684629387632597_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=NyumecOu9R4AX9rSVr2&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=35c01d3a08340cf19c5b8ea5441eb573&oe=609156D3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 04, 2021, 07:40:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2021, 06:41:18 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/168705835_10159682960674586_8914684629387632597_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=NyumecOu9R4AX9rSVr2&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=35c01d3a08340cf19c5b8ea5441eb573&oe=609156D3)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2021, 07:50:21 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 04, 2021, 07:40:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 04, 2021, 06:41:18 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/168705835_10159682960674586_8914684629387632597_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=NyumecOu9R4AX9rSVr2&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=35c01d3a08340cf19c5b8ea5441eb573&oe=609156D3)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 10, 2021, 06:52:43 PM: Went to a French self defence class yesterday...

I've never ran that fast in my life.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2021, 06:46:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 10, 2021, 06:52:43 PM
Went to a French self defence class yesterday...

I've never ran that fast in my life.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2021, 04:14:05 PM: Global supply of Hovis threatened as Yorkshire canal blocked (https://newsthump.com/2021/04/16/global-supply-of-hovis-threatened-as-yorkshire-canal-blocked/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM: Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:35:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 17, 2021, 04:14:05 PM
Global supply of Hovis threatened as Yorkshire canal blocked (https://newsthump.com/2021/04/16/global-supply-of-hovis-threatened-as-yorkshire-canal-blocked/)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:36:18 PM: Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM
Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 19, 2021, 01:34:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:36:18 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM
Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:

happy001

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on April 19, 2021, 01:57:02 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2021, 01:34:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:36:18 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM
Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:

happy001

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 19, 2021, 04:49:52 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 19, 2021, 01:57:02 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2021, 01:34:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:36:18 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM
Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:

happy001

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 19, 2021, 07:34:50 PM: Quote from: Just One More on April 19, 2021, 04:49:52 PM
Quote from: Darwins Selection on April 19, 2021, 01:57:02 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 19, 2021, 01:34:03 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 19, 2021, 12:36:18 PM
Quote from: The Moan Ranger on April 19, 2021, 12:25:05 PM
Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they'll have Prince Andrew buried in the back of a 15 year old Escort? rubschin:

happy001

;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 23, 2021, 12:01:03 PM: I thought I would be trendy and try one of those alternatives to Cow's milk... angel1

I don't know what a Magnesia is but it made my Corn Flakes taste disgusting... sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 23, 2021, 07:22:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 23, 2021, 12:01:03 PM
I thought I would be trendy and try one of those alternatives to Cow's milk... angel1

I don't know what a Magnesia is but it made my Corn Flakes taste disgusting... sick2:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 03, 2021, 11:31:13 AM: Not fresh, and I know it is an AFFS but I was just reminded of it and it made I larf... lol:

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2021, 04:11:43 PM: lol: sometime the old ones still work
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2021, 04:12:34 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/182039016_10225757028900513_4410246804358457915_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=wapaukcMbSMAX_IzgcC&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=e0c8e14b6dd8a262ac2f2bf1415580ed&oe=60B5C989)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2021, 09:49:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2021, 04:12:34 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/182039016_10225757028900513_4410246804358457915_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=wapaukcMbSMAX_IzgcC&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=e0c8e14b6dd8a262ac2f2bf1415580ed&oe=60B5C989)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2021, 05:31:00 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 05, 2021, 09:49:40 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 05, 2021, 04:12:34 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/182039016_10225757028900513_4410246804358457915_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=wapaukcMbSMAX_IzgcC&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=e0c8e14b6dd8a262ac2f2bf1415580ed&oe=60B5C989)
happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 09, 2021, 03:55:17 PM: Real Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2021, 07:53:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 09, 2021, 03:55:17 PM
Real Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 15, 2021, 06:08:25 PM: Yes, it's an Affs from 2009, but what the hell Thumbs:

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

(https://i.postimg.cc/ZvZ69090/taser.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ZvZ69090)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 02, 2021, 07:52:12 PM: Every week or so I put up a Gumtree advert for 'Free Labrador Puppies' with my father in laws number. He has changed his number twice this year, and I'm hoping to make it a hat trick.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 06, 2021, 11:28:31 AM: Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?
I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from Elstree Aerodrome and will fly to Brighton , where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins, then returning to Brighton go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2021, 11:53:34 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 02, 2021, 07:52:12 PM
Every week or so I put up a Gumtree advert for 'Free Labrador Puppies' with my father in laws number. He has changed his number twice this year, and I'm hoping to make it a hat trick.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2021, 11:53:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2021, 11:28:31 AM
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?
I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from Elstree Aerodrome and will fly to Brighton , where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins, then returning to Brighton go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2021, 12:07:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2021, 11:28:31 AM
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?
I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from Elstree Aerodrome and will fly to Brighton , where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins, then returning to Brighton go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go

I knew I'd seen it before... (https://www.paphoslife.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13346&p=124735&hilit=helicopter#p124735) ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 06, 2021, 12:11:41 PM: That's be an Affs by proxy then
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 06, 2021, 12:29:26 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 06, 2021, 12:11:41 PM
That's be an Affs by proxy then

Sort of... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 12, 2021, 05:53:10 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/9rs89Q7X/198817500-4385900198096146-3509956216743846933-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9rs89Q7X)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 12, 2021, 08:37:46 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 12, 2021, 05:53:10 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/9rs89Q7X/198817500-4385900198096146-3509956216743846933-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9rs89Q7X)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2021, 08:43:00 PM: Wife: "I'm going shopping, do you need anything?!
Husband: !I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and....."

Wife: "Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2021, 06:13:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2021, 08:43:00 PM
Wife: "I'm going shopping, do you need anything?!
Husband: !I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and....."

Wife: "Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 14, 2021, 06:17:56 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2021, 06:13:17 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2021, 08:43:00 PM
Wife: "I'm going shopping, do you need anything?!
Husband: !I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and....."

Wife: "Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?"

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 14, 2021, 09:32:17 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 14, 2021, 06:17:56 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2021, 06:13:17 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2021, 08:43:00 PM
Wife: "I'm going shopping, do you need anything?!
Husband: !I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and....."

Wife: "Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?"

;D

;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM: It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 06:25:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:

You should have been Abel redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2021, 09:38:39 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2021, 09:40:07 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/189886692_2009557729182886_6483718490662009231_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=TNDtetsf2n4AX8nE3SJ&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=5801c065394ba6bbeb2020b76118c3d9&oe=60D12272)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 18, 2021, 10:53:15 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 06:25:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:

You should have been Abel redface: redface:

drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2021, 05:48:06 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2021, 10:53:15 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 06:25:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:

You should have been Abel redface: redface:

drumroll: ;D
drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 19, 2021, 09:41:56 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 19, 2021, 05:48:06 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2021, 10:53:15 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 06:25:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:

You should have been Abel redface: redface:

drumroll: ;D
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on June 19, 2021, 11:04:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 19, 2021, 09:41:56 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 19, 2021, 05:48:06 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2021, 10:53:15 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 06:25:54 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 05:28:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 18, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 18, 2021, 12:40:21 PM

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

lol: lol: lol: Teletext eeek:

I had no idea who Kane was so I didn't know if I should change Teletext to Tellybox... redface:

You should have been Abel redface: redface:

drumroll: ;D
drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 02, 2021, 09:13:18 PM: Bullcrap ..but funny....

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3.. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7...... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8....... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9........ Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
11………. Your car would be accessible to thieves who could electronically break into your car and steal it and everything else in it, then hold it for ransom until you paid them off in Bitcoin currency.
12………. When all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 02, 2021, 11:04:58 PM: Got to be an Affs and it still isn't true

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/car-balk/
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 03, 2021, 05:44:58 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 02, 2021, 09:13:18 PM
Bullcrap ..but funny....

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3.. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7...... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8....... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9........ Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
11………. Your car would be accessible to thieves who could electronically break into your car and steal it and everything else in it, then hold it for ransom until you paid them off in Bitcoin currency.
12………. When all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 07, 2021, 05:04:26 PM: (I don't care if it's actually an Affs)

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate.
Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
But johnny surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, johnny cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Scotland national football team who everyone agreed are not capable of beating anyone.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 07, 2021, 10:41:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 07, 2021, 05:04:26 PM
(I don't care if it's actually an Affs)

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate.
Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
But johnny surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, johnny cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Scotland national football team who everyone agreed are not capable of beating anyone.

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 08, 2021, 05:18:03 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 07, 2021, 10:41:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 07, 2021, 05:04:26 PM
(I don't care if it's actually an Affs)

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate.
Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
But johnny surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, johnny cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Scotland national football team who everyone agreed are not capable of beating anyone.

;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 11, 2021, 10:53:25 AM: Actually from a comment thread rather than my inbox...

Quote
OT: which billionaire do you think will be vaporised?

Hopefully all 4 of them.

I'm just saddened Gatesy/Bozus isn't on board.

Rather surprised all the econatzis aren't up in arms about the totally unnecessary pollution.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 11, 2021, 12:26:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 11, 2021, 10:53:25 AM
Actually from a comment thread rather than my inbox...
When I shamelessly copied this thread idea onto another forum I called it 'From Elsewhere'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 13, 2021, 10:21:02 AM: TRAFFIC WARDENS: If you're putting a penalty on Marcus Rashford's car,

make sure it's slap bang in the middle of the windscreen so he doesn't miss it........

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 13, 2021, 10:46:16 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 13, 2021, 10:21:02 AM
TRAFFIC WARDENS: If you're putting a penalty on Marcus Rashford's car,

make sure it's slap bang in the middle of the windscreen so he doesn't miss it........

redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 13, 2021, 02:12:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 13, 2021, 10:46:16 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 13, 2021, 10:21:02 AM
TRAFFIC WARDENS: If you're putting a penalty on Marcus Rashford's car,

make sure it's slap bang in the middle of the windscreen so he doesn't miss it........

redface:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2021, 08:55:57 PM: A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve?”
The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world?”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations?”
The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want?”
“Aha”, he says,... "American Airlines.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 14, 2021, 10:07:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2021, 08:55:57 PM
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve?”
The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world?”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations?”
The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want?”
“Aha”, he says,... "American Airlines.”

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 15, 2021, 03:58:19 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 14, 2021, 10:07:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2021, 08:55:57 PM
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve?”
The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world?”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations?”
The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want?”
“Aha”, he says,... "American Airlines.”

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 18, 2021, 12:06:00 AM: https://www.facebook.com/Tyla/videos/1988703377838423/

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 18, 2021, 12:30:51 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2021, 12:06:00 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Tyla/videos/1988703377838423/

redface:
eeek: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 18, 2021, 05:21:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2021, 12:30:51 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2021, 12:06:00 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Tyla/videos/1988703377838423/

redface:
eeek: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 18, 2021, 05:47:07 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 18, 2021, 05:21:14 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 18, 2021, 12:30:51 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on July 18, 2021, 12:06:00 AM
https://www.facebook.com/Tyla/videos/1988703377838423/

redface:
eeek: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 19, 2021, 09:32:07 AM: The three legged pig.

One day, the farmer was telling a friend about him. "That pig saved my life when my tractor fell on me," he said.
"Oh," said his friend, "Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah," said the farmer. "Nothing happened to him."
"Then why does he only have one leg?" asked the friend.
"Well, you don't want to eat a good pig like that all at once, do you?" replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 19, 2021, 09:55:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 19, 2021, 09:32:07 AM
The three legged pig.

One day, the farmer was telling a friend about him. "That pig saved my life when my tractor fell on me," he said.
"Oh," said his friend, "Is that how he lost his leg?"
"Nah," said the farmer. "Nothing happened to him."
"Then why does he only have one leg?" asked the friend.
"Well, you don't want to eat a good pig like that all at once, do you?" replied the farmer.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 21, 2021, 09:28:12 PM: A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy.
Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the FSB who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The FSB goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the FSB goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the FSB goon.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 22, 2021, 05:32:21 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 21, 2021, 09:28:12 PM
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy.
Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the FSB who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The FSB goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the FSB goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the FSB goon.

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 24, 2021, 06:50:50 PM: A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 24, 2021, 06:57:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 24, 2021, 06:50:50 PM
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 24, 2021, 11:05:28 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 24, 2021, 06:57:39 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 24, 2021, 06:50:50 PM
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 26, 2021, 11:05:50 AM: Quote from: Just One More on July 24, 2021, 11:05:28 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 24, 2021, 06:57:39 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 24, 2021, 06:50:50 PM
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH F*CKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 02, 2021, 06:31:26 PM: Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….
"BRIDGE CLOSED"?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 03, 2021, 06:29:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 02, 2021, 06:31:26 PM
Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….
"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 09, 2021, 04:11:28 PM: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them.
She put the sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, “Any of you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody out there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, “ Why?”
The worker yelled back, “cause his mum’s here with his lunch.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 09, 2021, 04:13:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 09, 2021, 04:11:28 PM
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them.
She put the sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, “Any of you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody out there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, “ Why?”
The worker yelled back, “cause his mum’s here with his lunch.”

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 16, 2021, 11:02:08 AM: A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. Just pull the tooth!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2021, 12:07:25 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2021, 11:02:08 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. Just pull the tooth!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 16, 2021, 08:31:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 16, 2021, 12:07:25 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 16, 2021, 11:02:08 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. Just pull the tooth!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic,
I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

happy001

happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 17, 2021, 11:11:06 AM: Quasimodo was getting Married.
His Fiance said, "Hey Quasi, get yourself over to Harley Street and go see the Hump Doctor".
So he looks in Yellow Pages.
He gets over to Harley St., and eventually finds It,
So he goes in and up the stairs he goes, and walks into the Hump Doctor's reception.
He says, "Hi, I'm Quasimodo and I have an appointment.
Receptionist says, "Did you Ring the Bell..????
Quasi says, "Are you taking the Piss"..???
The Doctor says, "Come through. Lets have a look at you"..??
The Doc says, "How long have you had this Lump"..???
Quasi, replies, "Ever since I was a Nipper".
"OK", says the Doc. "Take your Coat Off. Take your Jumper Off. Take your Shirt Off. Take your Pyjama Top Off. Take your Vest Off.
The Hump Doctor says,
"Hey, Quasimodo, did you ever wonder, whatever became of your School Satchel"..???
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 17, 2021, 01:02:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 17, 2021, 11:11:06 AM
Quasimodo was getting Married.
His Fiance said, "Hey Quasi, get yourself over to Harley Street and go see the Hump Doctor".
So he looks in Yellow Pages.
He gets over to Harley St., and eventually finds It,
So he goes in and up the stairs he goes, and walks into the Hump Doctor's reception.
He says, "Hi, I'm Quasimodo and I have an appointment.
Receptionist says, "Did you Ring the Bell..????
Quasi says, "Are you taking the Piss"..???
The Doctor says, "Come through. Lets have a look at you"..??
The Doc says, "How long have you had this Lump"..???
Quasi, replies, "Ever since I was a Nipper".
"OK", says the Doc. "Take your Coat Off. Take your Jumper Off. Take your Shirt Off. Take your Pyjama Top Off. Take your Vest Off.
The Hump Doctor says,
"Hey, Quasimodo, did you ever wonder, whatever became of your School Satchel"..???

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 20, 2021, 01:50:00 PM: The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "what's your name?"
"John", the new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones,
Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that!
Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly,
"Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on August 20, 2021, 02:12:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2021, 01:50:00 PM
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "what's your name?"
"John", the new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones,
Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that!
Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly,
"Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 20, 2021, 02:18:51 PM: Quote from: Just One More on August 20, 2021, 02:12:02 PM
Quote from: Steve on August 20, 2021, 01:50:00 PM
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "what's your name?"
"John", the new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones,
Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that!
Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly,
"Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 24, 2021, 06:33:52 PM: (https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-ae81e23b690f1ab51004a483494136d5-mzj)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2021, 10:04:39 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/bsYtVKt8/Whats-App-Image-2021-09-03-at-13-00-54.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bsYtVKt8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 06, 2021, 07:32:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 03, 2021, 10:04:39 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/bsYtVKt8/Whats-App-Image-2021-09-03-at-13-00-54.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bsYtVKt8)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 06, 2021, 07:32:55 PM: Into a Bantry pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner?' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
‘That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 07, 2021, 06:12:09 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 06, 2021, 07:32:55 PM
Into a Bantry pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner?' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
‘That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 07, 2021, 08:11:37 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 07, 2021, 06:12:09 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 06, 2021, 07:32:55 PM
Into a Bantry pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner?' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
‘That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 12, 2021, 04:28:15 PM: What's the difference between Emma Raducanu and Prince Andrew............ rubschin:

Emma's not scared of an American court................ Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2021, 08:06:10 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 12, 2021, 04:28:15 PM
What's the difference between Emma Raducanu and Prince Andrew............ rubschin:

Emma's not scared of an American court................ Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2021, 09:15:42 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 12, 2021, 08:06:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 12, 2021, 04:28:15 PM
What's the difference between Emma Raducanu and Prince Andrew............ rubschin:

Emma's not scared of an American court................ Thumbs:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2021, 05:34:25 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on September 12, 2021, 09:15:42 PM
Quote from: Just One More on September 12, 2021, 08:06:10 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 12, 2021, 04:28:15 PM
What's the difference between Emma Raducanu and Prince Andrew............ rubschin:

Emma's not scared of an American court................ Thumbs:

happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2021, 07:49:58 PM: I was driving along a country road when a 3-legged chicken ran under my car.
I got out, looked at the dead chicken then looked around, saw a farmhouse on the hill and walked up to it.
Saw the farmer and said," I just ran over a 3-legged chicken."
"I know" said the farmer, "I breed them."
"I asked why?"
"Well I like a leg, the missus likes a leg and the boy likes a leg."
I said "That’s fantastic, what do they taste like?"
"Dunno," said the farmer, "Can’t catch the little bastards."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 15, 2021, 05:58:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2021, 07:49:58 PM
I was driving along a country road when a 3-legged chicken ran under my car.
I got out, looked at the dead chicken then looked around, saw a farmhouse on the hill and walked up to it.
Saw the farmer and said," I just ran over a 3-legged chicken."
"I know" said the farmer, "I breed them."
"I asked why?"
"Well I like a leg, the missus likes a leg and the boy likes a leg."
I said "That’s fantastic, what do they taste like?"
"Dunno," said the farmer, "Can’t catch the little bastards."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 15, 2021, 06:11:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2021, 07:49:58 PM
I was driving along a country road when a 3-legged chicken ran under my car.
I got out, looked at the dead chicken then looked around, saw a farmhouse on the hill and walked up to it.
Saw the farmer and said," I just ran over a 3-legged chicken."
"I know" said the farmer, "I breed them."
"I asked why?"
"Well I like a leg, the missus likes a leg and the boy likes a leg."
I said "That’s fantastic, what do they taste like?"
"Dunno," said the farmer, "Can’t catch the little bastards."

;D ;D

Why do farmers walk like that DS? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHihHjJ4X80)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 15, 2021, 06:21:39 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 15, 2021, 06:11:24 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2021, 07:49:58 PM
I was driving along a country road when a 3-legged chicken ran under my car.
I got out, looked at the dead chicken then looked around, saw a farmhouse on the hill and walked up to it.
Saw the farmer and said," I just ran over a 3-legged chicken."
"I know" said the farmer, "I breed them."
"I asked why?"
"Well I like a leg, the missus likes a leg and the boy likes a leg."
I said "That’s fantastic, what do they taste like?"
"Dunno," said the farmer, "Can’t catch the little bastards."

;D ;D

Why do farmers walk like that DS? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHihHjJ4X80)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2021, 08:26:26 AM: (https://i.imgur.com/r6qpYdv.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 17, 2021, 09:02:45 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2021, 08:26:26 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/r6qpYdv.jpg)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 17, 2021, 12:58:22 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 17, 2021, 09:02:45 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2021, 08:26:26 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/r6qpYdv.jpg)

lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 17, 2021, 02:13:07 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 17, 2021, 12:58:22 PM
Quote from: Just One More on September 17, 2021, 09:02:45 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 17, 2021, 08:26:26 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/r6qpYdv.jpg)

lol:

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2021, 12:58:17 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/241400626_10159256789884774_7896389044050145259_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=oTuFQGrs2pgAX8VC3iI&tn=RZfTVU8SX_lexgy-&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=262c8f7205cc278e4903781d00545a65&oe=6173E3B3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2021, 02:23:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 24, 2021, 12:58:17 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/241400626_10159256789884774_7896389044050145259_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=oTuFQGrs2pgAX8VC3iI&tn=RZfTVU8SX_lexgy-&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=262c8f7205cc278e4903781d00545a65&oe=6173E3B3)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 25, 2021, 11:30:35 AM: How many Elephants can you get in a Volkswagen? 4! 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How do you know there is an Elephant in your refrigerator? Tracks in the butter!
How do you know when there are 2 Elephants in your refrigerator? You can hear them talking!
How do you know when there are 3 in the refrigerator? You can hear them arguing!
How do you know when there are 4 in your refrigerator? The Volkswagen is parked out front.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 25, 2021, 10:34:17 PM: Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.
So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
One of our cleaners has disappeared however.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:
"You FOOL! - For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything,
and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 26, 2021, 05:24:19 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 25, 2021, 10:34:17 PM
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.
So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
One of our cleaners has disappeared however.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:
"You FOOL! - For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything,
and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 26, 2021, 11:33:57 AM: A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 29, 2021, 05:33:02 PM: Speech Therapy.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first'?
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said. 'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next'?
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p- p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy'?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London ' .
'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d- d-d-d-d-erry'.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2021, 05:34:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 29, 2021, 05:33:02 PM
Speech Therapy.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first'?
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said. 'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next'?
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p- p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy'?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London ' .
'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d- d-d-d-d-erry'.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 29, 2021, 09:19:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 29, 2021, 05:34:33 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 29, 2021, 05:33:02 PM
Speech Therapy.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first'?
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said. 'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next'?
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p- p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley'. 'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy'?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London ' .
'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d- d-d-d-d-erry'.

;D

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 30, 2021, 06:32:16 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/njKD8zyG/243516922-6185960834811572-6069627508980562835-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/njKD8zyG)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 30, 2021, 07:34:53 AM: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 30, 2021, 01:43:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 30, 2021, 07:34:53 AM
rubschin:

1x2 ..3x4 etc ...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 30, 2021, 09:05:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2021, 01:43:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 30, 2021, 07:34:53 AM
rubschin:

1x2 ..3x4 etc ...
No shit sherlock who'd ever have guessed
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 30, 2021, 09:19:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 30, 2021, 09:05:14 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on September 30, 2021, 01:43:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 30, 2021, 07:34:53 AM
rubschin:

1x2 ..3x4 etc ...
No shit sherlock who'd ever have guessed

To be fair, Apey is probably a master of cracking wifi passwords.. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 02, 2021, 08:18:45 PM: It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 02, 2021, 09:10:04 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 02, 2021, 08:18:45 PM
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. rubschin:

lol: cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 03, 2021, 11:01:42 PM: Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .....

You can't tell me that a coincidence ........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 04, 2021, 05:36:32 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2021, 11:01:42 PM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .....

You can't tell me that a coincidence ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 04, 2021, 06:06:05 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 04, 2021, 05:36:32 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2021, 11:01:42 PM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .....

You can't tell me that a coincidence ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 04, 2021, 11:36:04 AM: Quote from: Just One More on October 04, 2021, 06:06:05 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 04, 2021, 05:36:32 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2021, 11:01:42 PM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .....

You can't tell me that a coincidence ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 05, 2021, 02:23:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 04, 2021, 11:36:04 AM
Quote from: Just One More on October 04, 2021, 06:06:05 AM
Quote from: Barman on October 04, 2021, 05:36:32 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on October 03, 2021, 11:01:42 PM
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar .....

You can't tell me that a coincidence ........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2021, 10:55:14 PM: Affs?

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/249868252_4633302436722929_5799223266616012247_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=pvc5JmZRSrYAX-2lEwO&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=168685519171f4e330d9b87f87b5ff69&oe=61A21935)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2021, 05:51:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2021, 10:55:14 PM
Affs?

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/249868252_4633302436722929_5799223266616012247_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=pvc5JmZRSrYAX-2lEwO&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=168685519171f4e330d9b87f87b5ff69&oe=61A21935)

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2021, 12:22:42 PM: Ironically There are actually no canaries in the Canary Islands.

Likewise The Virgin Islands do not have any canaries either.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2021, 01:26:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 30, 2021, 12:22:42 PM
Ironically There are actually no canaries in the Canary Islands.

Likewise The Virgin Islands do not have any canaries either.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2021, 11:50:42 AM: rubschin:

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/248896620_1127710351093436_8235793430225186577_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=ZH8XgHwvYe0AX_abTnZ&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=7b1f8cdac1b0f4a2c4276e62632353c2&oe=61A497BA)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 31, 2021, 12:31:55 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2021, 11:50:42 AM
rubschin:

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/248896620_1127710351093436_8235793430225186577_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=ZH8XgHwvYe0AX_abTnZ&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=7b1f8cdac1b0f4a2c4276e62632353c2&oe=61A497BA)

lol: ( 私も夢の中で Watashi mo yumenonakade)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2021, 02:14:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2021, 11:50:42 AM
rubschin:

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/248896620_1127710351093436_8235793430225186577_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=ZH8XgHwvYe0AX_abTnZ&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=7b1f8cdac1b0f4a2c4276e62632353c2&oe=61A497BA)

lol: lol: lol: cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 31, 2021, 03:39:38 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2021, 12:31:55 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 31, 2021, 11:50:42 AM
rubschin:

(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/248896620_1127710351093436_8235793430225186577_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=ZH8XgHwvYe0AX_abTnZ&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=7b1f8cdac1b0f4a2c4276e62632353c2&oe=61A497BA)

lol: ( 私も夢の中で Watashi mo yumenonakade)

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2021, 04:12:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 31, 2021, 03:39:38 PM
Quote from: Just One More on October 31, 2021, 12:31:55 PM

lol: ( 私も夢の中で Watashi mo yumenonakade)

;D ;D ;D ;D
lol: lol: lol:

if anyone wants a related earworm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGy9uomagO4
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 02, 2021, 07:03:03 PM: Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”
The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. We have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 02, 2021, 07:50:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 02, 2021, 07:03:03 PM
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”
The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. We have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 02, 2021, 08:07:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 02, 2021, 07:50:48 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 02, 2021, 07:03:03 PM
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”
The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. We have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 04, 2021, 12:12:55 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/241433950_2056125654554236_2081492228110400516_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=pD9qrFhJNesAX-QPjHQ&tn=5zyvLjgqZb-vnZ5g&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=bea5d11e8ebc6be6eda3c17884cb09a5&oe=61885DD1)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2021, 01:02:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 04, 2021, 12:12:55 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/241433950_2056125654554236_2081492228110400516_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=pD9qrFhJNesAX-QPjHQ&tn=5zyvLjgqZb-vnZ5g&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=bea5d11e8ebc6be6eda3c17884cb09a5&oe=61885DD1)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 09, 2021, 05:42:43 PM: India Alpha Mike Bravo Oscar Romeo Echo Delta.

Charlie Alpha November Yankee Oscar Uniform Tango Echo Lima Lima.?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 09, 2021, 06:03:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 09, 2021, 05:42:43 PM
India Alpha Mike Bravo Oscar Romeo Echo Delta.

Charlie Alpha November Yankee Oscar Uniform Tango Echo Lima Lima.?

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 16, 2021, 11:09:30 PM: (https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/256864147_10223241890049128_4728919726932338250_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=KG6uzgs1-qIAX9sKvXd&tn=ukBTa_Z1eBJTpwoT&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=67df7457340b0fa627059847cfe9aa67&oe=6198A07D)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2021, 06:12:14 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 16, 2021, 11:09:30 PM
(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/256864147_10223241890049128_4728919726932338250_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=KG6uzgs1-qIAX9sKvXd&tn=ukBTa_Z1eBJTpwoT&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=67df7457340b0fa627059847cfe9aa67&oe=6198A07D)

lol: lol: lol: rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 18, 2021, 01:19:30 AM: (https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.18172-8/15025312_618161508384417_5647669737030333665_o.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=Bo4q_8t9KvgAX9ooy6u&tn=0fDKDiXHbuVlehUK&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=d67d8867161c1d2b76402d3a7fa5b92f&oe=61BBBAB8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 18, 2021, 06:55:32 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 18, 2021, 01:19:30 AM
(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.18172-8/15025312_618161508384417_5647669737030333665_o.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=Bo4q_8t9KvgAX9ooy6u&tn=0fDKDiXHbuVlehUK&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=d67d8867161c1d2b76402d3a7fa5b92f&oe=61BBBAB8)

Thumbs: Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 27, 2021, 02:37:48 PM: Taking inspiration from 'I'm a Celebrity...' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night...........

Or an Aldi sausage roll as it's more commonly known............
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2021, 03:07:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2021, 02:37:48 PM
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a Celebrity...' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night...........

Or an Aldi sausage roll as it's more commonly known............

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 27, 2021, 03:44:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2021, 03:07:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2021, 02:37:48 PM
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a Celebrity...' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night...........

Or an Aldi sausage roll as it's more commonly known............

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 27, 2021, 11:39:56 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 27, 2021, 03:44:35 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2021, 03:07:49 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 27, 2021, 02:37:48 PM
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a Celebrity...' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night...........

Or an Aldi sausage roll as it's more commonly known............

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 11, 2021, 07:27:31 AM: I have lots of things under my Christmas tree.

Everything in my house to be precise. It's in the loft, it's not Christmas yet.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 11, 2021, 08:42:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 11, 2021, 07:27:31 AM
I have lots of things under my Christmas tree.

Everything in my house to be precise. It's in the loft, it's not Christmas yet.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 11, 2021, 10:16:11 AM: Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2021, 08:42:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 11, 2021, 07:27:31 AM
I have lots of things under my Christmas tree.

Everything in my house to be precise. It's in the loft, it's not Christmas yet.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 11, 2021, 05:05:12 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 11, 2021, 07:27:31 AM
I have lots of things under my Christmas tree.

Everything in my house to be precise. It's in the loft, it's not Christmas yet.

drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 12, 2021, 09:36:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 11, 2021, 10:16:11 AM
Quote from: Just One More on December 11, 2021, 08:42:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on December 11, 2021, 07:27:31 AM
I have lots of things under my Christmas tree.

Everything in my house to be precise. It's in the loft, it's not Christmas yet.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 14, 2021, 09:41:57 AM: I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar' on Sunday:
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused, then I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: "By the power of Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him: "There is nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, still annoyed, I stepped outside and found my car had been bloody stolen....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 14, 2021, 01:06:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 14, 2021, 09:41:57 AM
I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar' on Sunday:
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused, then I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: "By the power of Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him: "There is nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, still annoyed, I stepped outside and found my car had been bloody stolen....

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on December 14, 2021, 02:37:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 14, 2021, 01:06:32 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 14, 2021, 09:41:57 AM
I went to an 'Inter-Religion Integration Seminar' on Sunday:
The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused, then I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said: "By the power of Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him: "There is nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the Seminar, still annoyed, I stepped outside and found my car had been bloody stolen....

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 14, 2021, 10:24:43 PM: 1. Wears red and white....

2. Good at breaking into houses.....

3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.....

4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle........

5. Only does one days work a year......

Santa is a f88king scouser........ eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 15, 2021, 07:27:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 14, 2021, 10:24:43 PM

1. Wears red and white....

2. Good at breaking into houses.....

3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.....

4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle........

5. Only does one days work a year......

Santa is a f88king scouser........ eeek:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2021, 06:56:28 AM: An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 20, 2021, 11:02:54 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 20, 2021, 06:56:28 AM
An Irish farmer had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart.

But then the tail grew back.

So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the black horse.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 21, 2021, 03:56:38 PM: With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;

"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........

.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 21, 2021, 03:57:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2021, 03:56:38 PM
With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;

"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........

.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............ rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 21, 2021, 04:01:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2021, 03:57:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2021, 03:56:38 PM
With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;

"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........

.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............ rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 21, 2021, 06:29:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 21, 2021, 04:01:52 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 21, 2021, 03:57:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 21, 2021, 03:56:38 PM
With a cheeky grin on her face my misses said;

"I want something long and hard on Christmas day!"..........

.
Does anyone know the best way to wrap an ironing board............ rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 28, 2021, 01:02:09 PM: On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 28, 2021, 01:35:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 28, 2021, 01:02:09 PM
On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 28, 2021, 05:03:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 28, 2021, 01:35:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 28, 2021, 01:02:09 PM
On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 28, 2021, 07:04:16 PM: The England cricket team has officially beat the Wuhan street market for the worst use of a bat ...!!!..... noooo:

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 28, 2021, 07:04:44 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 28, 2021, 05:03:16 PM
Quote from: Barman on December 28, 2021, 01:35:44 PM
Quote from: Steve on December 28, 2021, 01:02:09 PM
On Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas Party last night." the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that..?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on December 28, 2021, 07:06:09 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 28, 2021, 07:04:16 PM
The England cricket team has officially beat the Wuhan street market for the worst use of a bat ...!!!..... noooo:

redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 28, 2021, 07:13:41 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 28, 2021, 07:04:16 PM
The England cricket team has officially beat the Wuhan street market for the worst use of a bat ...!!!..... noooo:

redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 09, 2022, 01:03:57 PM: When I was 16 I had my fortune told by a gypsy fortune teller,
she told me I would have no money, no luck, and be unhappy until I was 50 years old.
I thought bloody hell that doesn't sound good.
Then I asked her what would happen after I was 50, she said "Its OK you'll be used to it by then."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 09, 2022, 01:05:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2022, 01:03:57 PM
When I was 16 I had my fortune told by a gypsy fortune teller,
she told me I would have no money, no luck, and be unhappy until I was 50 years old.
I thought bloody hell that doesn't sound good.
Then I asked her what would happen after I was 50, she said "Its OK you'll be used to it by then."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 09, 2022, 05:15:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 09, 2022, 01:05:45 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 09, 2022, 01:03:57 PM
When I was 16 I had my fortune told by a gypsy fortune teller,
she told me I would have no money, no luck, and be unhappy until I was 50 years old.
I thought bloody hell that doesn't sound good.
Then I asked her what would happen after I was 50, she said "Its OK you'll be used to it by then."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 14, 2022, 04:50:15 PM: Able Semen Windsor (formally known as Vice Admiral) I think maybe he misunderstood the term "Vice" in this context............ rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 14, 2022, 07:35:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 14, 2022, 04:50:15 PM
Able Semen Windsor (formally known as Vice Admiral) I think maybe he misunderstood the term "Vice" in this context............ rubschin:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 18, 2022, 04:58:54 PM: BREAKING:
The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 18, 2022, 05:37:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2022, 04:58:54 PM
BREAKING:
The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 18, 2022, 05:49:48 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on January 18, 2022, 05:37:23 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2022, 04:58:54 PM
BREAKING:
The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 18, 2022, 06:02:15 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 18, 2022, 05:49:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 18, 2022, 05:37:23 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2022, 04:58:54 PM
BREAKING:
The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on January 21, 2022, 08:24:30 PM: Quote from: Just One More on January 18, 2022, 06:02:15 PM
Quote from: Barman on January 18, 2022, 05:49:48 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on January 18, 2022, 05:37:23 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 18, 2022, 04:58:54 PM
BREAKING:
The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on January 26, 2022, 08:47:16 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J/shoes.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 26, 2022, 10:21:40 AM: Quote from: Nick on January 26, 2022, 08:47:16 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J/shoes.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2022, 11:39:35 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 26, 2022, 10:21:40 AM
Quote from: Nick on January 26, 2022, 08:47:16 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J/shoes.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/VSh0hP6J)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 27, 2022, 10:41:55 AM: (https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/272298931_2571733072970873_7520395158821958390_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=GQrVUA1SnEAAX-vUl_T&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT-x8rsuRNPMthx4WrvNXLcNKUb34VVcdSzeMwLq-pmW5A&oe=61F6F997)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2022, 12:16:19 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 27, 2022, 10:41:55 AM
(https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/272298931_2571733072970873_7520395158821958390_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=GQrVUA1SnEAAX-vUl_T&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT-x8rsuRNPMthx4WrvNXLcNKUb34VVcdSzeMwLq-pmW5A&oe=61F6F997)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on January 27, 2022, 03:15:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 27, 2022, 12:16:19 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 27, 2022, 10:41:55 AM
(https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/272298931_2571733072970873_7520395158821958390_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=GQrVUA1SnEAAX-vUl_T&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT-x8rsuRNPMthx4WrvNXLcNKUb34VVcdSzeMwLq-pmW5A&oe=61F6F997)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:

Norm and Cliff at the bar with their wisdom cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2022, 06:36:31 PM: eeek:

(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/272923738_5090285554356806_811935676015587501_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=TvEDIzRZcxYAX9ND5Ll&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT8pQyNHd37BYECuU8vtHyT2WSYSq6NdLWQRL-AaTp-XQg&oe=61FF99ED)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2022, 07:08:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2022, 06:36:31 PM
eeek:

(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/272923738_5090285554356806_811935676015587501_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=TvEDIzRZcxYAX9ND5Ll&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT8pQyNHd37BYECuU8vtHyT2WSYSq6NdLWQRL-AaTp-XQg&oe=61FF99ED)

lol: lol: lol:

Where is this...? Just asking for a friend like... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2022, 07:36:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 02, 2022, 07:08:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2022, 06:36:31 PM
eeek:

(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/272923738_5090285554356806_811935676015587501_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=TvEDIzRZcxYAX9ND5Ll&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT8pQyNHd37BYECuU8vtHyT2WSYSq6NdLWQRL-AaTp-XQg&oe=61FF99ED)

lol: lol: lol:

Where is this...? Just asking for a friend like... whistle:
rubschin:

I could ask
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 02, 2022, 08:43:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2022, 07:36:30 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 02, 2022, 07:08:46 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 02, 2022, 06:36:31 PM
eeek:

(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/272923738_5090285554356806_811935676015587501_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=TvEDIzRZcxYAX9ND5Ll&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT8pQyNHd37BYECuU8vtHyT2WSYSq6NdLWQRL-AaTp-XQg&oe=61FF99ED)

lol: lol: lol:

Where is this...? Just asking for a friend like... whistle:
rubschin:

I could ask

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 05, 2022, 02:17:23 PM: My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it and stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No," he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 05, 2022, 03:24:05 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2022, 02:17:23 PM
My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it and stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No," he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 05, 2022, 06:14:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 05, 2022, 03:24:05 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2022, 02:17:23 PM
My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it and stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No," he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do."

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 05, 2022, 07:23:21 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273371818_2144570559043078_7489582618856191857_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=FvaLF_90B5sAX_OZBBp&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-MrOoSbVr6yYH2KXvf7DIFpOuf8UPz-NwiqMrwQHCvgQ&oe=6202FAA7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 05, 2022, 07:27:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 05, 2022, 07:23:21 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273371818_2144570559043078_7489582618856191857_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=FvaLF_90B5sAX_OZBBp&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-MrOoSbVr6yYH2KXvf7DIFpOuf8UPz-NwiqMrwQHCvgQ&oe=6202FAA7)

lol: lol: lol: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 08, 2022, 05:43:30 PM: A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 08, 2022, 06:20:29 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 08, 2022, 05:43:30 PM
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now"

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 08, 2022, 06:22:01 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 08, 2022, 05:43:30 PM
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now"

lol: Thumbs: (copy n paste to all jock mates..)..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 08, 2022, 06:37:46 PM: Surely he had Scottish blood in him after the first transfusion rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2022, 06:50:34 PM: Quote from: Just One More on February 08, 2022, 06:20:29 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 08, 2022, 05:43:30 PM
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now"

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 08, 2022, 09:00:25 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 08, 2022, 06:37:46 PM
Surely he had Scottish blood in him after the first transfusion rubschin:
rubschin: rubschin:

good point
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2022, 07:58:24 PM: For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.
This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.
Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go.
Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.
‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’
‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom.
On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes.
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.
So here I am.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 09, 2022, 08:00:31 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273497124_10159525851319774_3049266596871657880_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=9MGXy27RONcAX8jObxv&tn=hhkMngk5aLCZ8It8&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Wm9TR2eZzOIexAtFEy3cNwqSLD6zWGpRiv3JJ9jw6jg&oe=6208054E)

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2022, 09:03:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 09, 2022, 07:58:24 PM
For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.
This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.
Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go.
Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.
‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’
‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom.
On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes.
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.
So here I am.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 09, 2022, 09:04:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 09, 2022, 08:00:31 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273497124_10159525851319774_3049266596871657880_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=9MGXy27RONcAX8jObxv&tn=hhkMngk5aLCZ8It8&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Wm9TR2eZzOIexAtFEy3cNwqSLD6zWGpRiv3JJ9jw6jg&oe=6208054E)

scared:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 09, 2022, 10:51:52 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 09, 2022, 09:04:14 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 09, 2022, 08:00:31 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273497124_10159525851319774_3049266596871657880_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=9MGXy27RONcAX8jObxv&tn=hhkMngk5aLCZ8It8&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Wm9TR2eZzOIexAtFEy3cNwqSLD6zWGpRiv3JJ9jw6jg&oe=6208054E)

scared:

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 10, 2022, 02:38:25 PM: I'm guessing Affs but whatever

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvre's, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!."
Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 10, 2022, 03:04:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 10, 2022, 02:38:25 PM
I'm guessing Affs but whatever

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvre's, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!."
Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 10, 2022, 08:42:32 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 10, 2022, 03:04:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 10, 2022, 02:38:25 PM
I'm guessing Affs but whatever

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvre's, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!."
Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 12, 2022, 07:29:36 PM: Kurt Zouma has rightly been dragged through the mud for attempting to launch a cat into space,........

yet Spurs (insert team ) have been flogging a dead horse for years, let the animal rights activists explain that one........ noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2022, 07:37:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 12, 2022, 07:29:36 PM
Kurt Zouma has rightly been dragged through the mud for attempting to launch a cat into space,........

yet Spurs (insert team ) have been flogging a dead horse for years, let the animal rights activists explain that one........ noooo:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 13, 2022, 05:48:54 PM: 3 Young Boys are boasting in the Playground.
The 1st Boy says, "My Dad's the Fastest Man in the World"...
"How do you know that".??? Asks the other Boys.
"Because he can Fire a Bow and Arrow and run and catch the Arrow". He replies.
"That's Nothing," says the 2nd Boy.
"My Dad can Fire a Gun and Run and Catch the Bullet"..
That's Nothing”, says the 3rd Boy,
"My Dad works for Liverpool County Council", and he doesn’t Finish till 4.30pm,
but he runs so fast he's always in our House by 3pm, to have his Lunch"..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2022, 05:51:12 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 13, 2022, 05:48:54 PM
3 Young Boys are boasting in the Playground.
The 1st Boy says, "My Dad's the Fastest Man in the World"...
"How do you know that".??? Asks the other Boys.
"Because he can Fire a Bow and Arrow and run and catch the Arrow". He replies.
"That's Nothing," says the 2nd Boy.
"My Dad can Fire a Gun and Run and Catch the Bullet"..
That's Nothing”, says the 3rd Boy,
"My Dad works for Liverpool County Council", and he doesn’t Finish till 4.30pm,
but he runs so fast he's always in our House by 3pm, to have his Lunch"..

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 13, 2022, 05:56:15 PM: Having had the misfortune to live in or near vile Scallypool for some years I can confirm this is not a joke. evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 14, 2022, 05:10:50 PM: girlfriend asked me to get her something black and lacy for Valentines day. Aparrently Agadoo wasn't what she had in mind.…… whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 14, 2022, 05:17:40 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2022, 05:10:50 PM
girlfriend asked me to get her something black and lacy for Valentines day. Aparrently Agadoo wasn't what she had in mind.…… whistle:

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 14, 2022, 07:07:49 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 14, 2022, 05:17:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2022, 05:10:50 PM
girlfriend asked me to get her something black and lacy for Valentines day. Aparrently Agadoo wasn't what she had in mind.…… whistle:

;D
;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 14, 2022, 09:09:38 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 14, 2022, 07:07:49 PM
Quote from: Barman on February 14, 2022, 05:17:40 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 14, 2022, 05:10:50 PM
girlfriend asked me to get her something black and lacy for Valentines day. Aparrently Agadoo wasn't what she had in mind.…… whistle:

;D
;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 17, 2022, 04:52:02 PM: I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 17, 2022, 07:55:47 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 17, 2022, 04:52:02 PM
I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 18, 2022, 07:21:46 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2022, 07:55:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 17, 2022, 04:52:02 PM
I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 18, 2022, 10:04:39 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 18, 2022, 07:21:46 AM
Quote from: Just One More on February 17, 2022, 07:55:47 PM
Quote from: Steve on February 17, 2022, 04:52:02 PM
I just saw a holiday advert "Book by 25th July and your children go free".

I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 22, 2022, 06:34:18 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM/274584589-7048873331853647-4914876278374176837-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on February 22, 2022, 06:39:19 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 22, 2022, 06:34:18 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM/274584589-7048873331853647-4914876278374176837-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 23, 2022, 10:15:51 AM: Quote from: Just One More on February 22, 2022, 06:39:19 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 22, 2022, 06:34:18 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM/274584589-7048873331853647-4914876278374176837-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Z0wtxSrM)

lol: lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 23, 2022, 04:12:21 PM: (https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/274301197_154013103669275_4288096031234130772_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=t_k3eYggVhwAX-Xhnk2&tn=znjSAJUTM10aRx0P&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=00_AT_Dz3votFaw5e5XteqV1jDkhVBpdt-fFPI3KaALfv85gg&oe=621BC5DA)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 23, 2022, 04:14:46 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 23, 2022, 04:12:21 PM
(https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/274301197_154013103669275_4288096031234130772_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=t_k3eYggVhwAX-Xhnk2&tn=znjSAJUTM10aRx0P&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=00_AT_Dz3votFaw5e5XteqV1jDkhVBpdt-fFPI3KaALfv85gg&oe=621BC5DA)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 24, 2022, 10:51:49 PM: Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where the fuck is Alina?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 25, 2022, 07:11:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2022, 10:51:49 PM
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where the fuck is Alina?"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2022, 09:58:35 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2022, 07:11:30 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2022, 10:51:49 PM
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where the fuck is Alina?"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 25, 2022, 01:09:23 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on February 25, 2022, 09:58:35 AM
Quote from: Barman on February 25, 2022, 07:11:30 AM
Quote from: Steve on February 24, 2022, 10:51:49 PM
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where the fuck is Alina?"

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 26, 2022, 06:48:35 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/JDQXBGxr/274692254-7069590163115297-3343660435761411912-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/JDQXBGxr)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2022, 05:53:15 PM: Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2022, 06:08:32 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 02, 2022, 05:53:15 PM
Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 02, 2022, 06:24:05 PM: This made my teeth hurt for some reason
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2022, 07:13:11 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 02, 2022, 06:24:05 PM
This made my teeth hurt for some reason

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 04, 2022, 06:48:45 AM: I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on March 04, 2022, 07:36:48 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 04, 2022, 06:48:45 AM
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour...

The old ones are the best :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 04, 2022, 08:08:42 AM: Quote from: Tipsy Gipsy on March 04, 2022, 07:36:48 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 04, 2022, 06:48:45 AM
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour...

The old ones are the best :thumbsup:

angel1
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 04, 2022, 12:32:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 04, 2022, 06:48:45 AM
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2022, 03:06:50 PM: A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Walked out again because it wasn't set high enough.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 13, 2022, 03:48:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 13, 2022, 03:06:50 PM
A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Walked out again because it wasn't set high enough.

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 15, 2022, 11:50:30 AM: A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros.
"Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 15, 2022, 11:58:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 15, 2022, 11:50:30 AM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros.
"Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2022, 12:41:36 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 15, 2022, 11:50:30 AM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros.
"Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 15, 2022, 06:55:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2022, 12:41:36 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 15, 2022, 11:50:30 AM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros.
"Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."

;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2022, 07:57:17 PM: rubschin:

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2022, 08:59:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 16, 2022, 07:57:17 PM
rubschin:

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 18, 2022, 02:58:27 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P/yukky.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 18, 2022, 03:21:38 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 18, 2022, 02:58:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P/yukky.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 18, 2022, 03:40:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 18, 2022, 03:21:38 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 18, 2022, 02:58:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P/yukky.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on March 18, 2022, 04:03:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 18, 2022, 03:40:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 18, 2022, 03:21:38 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 18, 2022, 02:58:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P/yukky.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 18, 2022, 04:06:31 PM: I doubt they permit such things where you are, Mr Darwin, but perhaps some of your serfs may frequent such establishments
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 18, 2022, 05:57:40 PM: Went on the We Buy Any Car for a quote.

First question: "How full is the fuel tank."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 18, 2022, 06:02:51 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on March 18, 2022, 04:03:06 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 18, 2022, 03:40:01 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 18, 2022, 03:21:38 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 18, 2022, 02:58:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P/yukky.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fkDCBt4P)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 18, 2022, 06:03:58 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 18, 2022, 05:57:40 PM
Went on the We Buy Any Car for a quote.

First question: "How full is the fuel tank."

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2022, 12:27:39 PM: Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband:You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife:Please...go on.
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? You need a flashlight
Husband: I can't find it in the dark.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Yeah! that's good.
Husband: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2022, 12:31:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2022, 12:27:39 PM
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot.
Husband:You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife:Please...go on.
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? You need a flashlight
Husband: I can't find it in the dark.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Yeah! that's good.
Husband: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 20, 2022, 10:46:25 AM: I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 20, 2022, 10:57:27 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 20, 2022, 10:46:25 AM
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 20, 2022, 11:11:56 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 20, 2022, 10:57:27 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 20, 2022, 10:46:25 AM
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 20, 2022, 12:49:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 20, 2022, 11:11:56 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 20, 2022, 10:57:27 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 20, 2022, 10:46:25 AM
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

lol:
lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 23, 2022, 04:24:01 PM: March 2021: Not allowed to travel more than 5 miles.

March 2022: Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 23, 2022, 10:36:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 23, 2022, 04:24:01 PM

March 2021: Not allowed to travel more than 5 miles.

March 2022: Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 24, 2022, 05:46:59 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 23, 2022, 10:36:00 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 23, 2022, 04:24:01 PM

March 2021: Not allowed to travel more than 5 miles.

March 2022: Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol: cry:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2022, 09:41:46 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD/275929329-5597558086925896-7390754028549311216-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 27, 2022, 09:56:47 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2022, 09:41:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD/275929329-5597558086925896-7390754028549311216-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD)
noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 27, 2022, 11:12:07 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2022, 09:41:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD/275929329-5597558086925896-7390754028549311216-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD)

We do have a "Hat, coat" thread you know ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 27, 2022, 11:32:42 AM: Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2022, 11:12:07 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2022, 09:41:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD/275929329-5597558086925896-7390754028549311216-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD)

We do have a "Hat, coat" thread you know ;)

redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 27, 2022, 11:48:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2022, 11:32:42 AM
Quote from: Just One More on March 27, 2022, 11:12:07 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 27, 2022, 09:41:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD/275929329-5597558086925896-7390754028549311216-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Xpdn27pD)

We do have a "Hat, coat" thread you know ;)

redface:

point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2022, 05:49:20 AM: Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2022, 09:55:54 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 29, 2022, 05:49:20 AM
Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2022, 02:11:42 PM: A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2022, 02:13:04 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 29, 2022, 02:11:42 PM
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 29, 2022, 06:24:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 29, 2022, 09:55:54 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 29, 2022, 05:49:20 AM
Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on March 29, 2022, 06:25:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 29, 2022, 02:13:04 PM
Quote from: Steve on March 29, 2022, 02:11:42 PM
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 08, 2022, 08:08:23 PM: Tony Blair and Nigel Farage somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Nigel and said, "How about you, Mr. Farage ?"
Nigel replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 09, 2022, 05:52:13 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 08, 2022, 08:08:23 PM
Tony Blair and Nigel Farage somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Nigel and said, "How about you, Mr. Farage ?"
Nigel replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 09, 2022, 11:41:22 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 09, 2022, 05:52:13 AM
Quote from: Steve on April 08, 2022, 08:08:23 PM
Tony Blair and Nigel Farage somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Nigel and said, "How about you, Mr. Farage ?"
Nigel replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 10, 2022, 09:04:32 PM: Any Woman who says their wedding day was the best day of their life
has obviously never had two chocolate bars fall down at the same time in a vending machine!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 10, 2022, 10:23:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 10, 2022, 09:04:32 PM
Any Woman who says their wedding day was the best day of their life
has obviously never had two chocolate bars fall down at the same time in a vending machine!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2022, 05:14:18 AM: Quote from: Just One More on April 10, 2022, 10:23:43 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 10, 2022, 09:04:32 PM
Any Woman who says their wedding day was the best day of their life
has obviously never had two chocolate bars fall down at the same time in a vending machine!

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2022, 10:09:46 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz/278173528-5283432635051474-7622738843690014272-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 12, 2022, 10:50:10 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2022, 10:09:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz/278173528-5283432635051474-7622738843690014272-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 12, 2022, 07:00:14 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 12, 2022, 10:50:10 AM
Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2022, 10:09:46 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz/278173528-5283432635051474-7622738843690014272-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/BXzjsHsz)

;D ;D

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 24, 2022, 01:12:57 PM: Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside.
I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque. I always hear from them within a week after they receive it.
In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow… how come?” remarked Dolly.
"I don't sign the cheque!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on April 24, 2022, 04:33:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 24, 2022, 01:12:57 PM
Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside.
I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque. I always hear from them within a week after they receive it.
In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow… how come?” remarked Dolly.
"I don't sign the cheque!”

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 09, 2022, 08:52:15 AM: My repeated failure to appear in the Sunday Times Rich List seriously undermines my faith in money spiders.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 09, 2022, 08:57:28 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 09, 2022, 08:52:15 AM
My repeated failure to appear in the Sunday Times Rich List seriously undermines my faith in money spiders.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 12, 2022, 04:53:03 PM: A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2022, 05:46:37 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2022, 04:53:03 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2022, 06:26:09 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on May 12, 2022, 05:46:37 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 12, 2022, 04:53:03 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist
lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 13, 2022, 04:05:42 PM: Today I Was Ashamed In Front Of My Family
I was in the bedroom, having some private time to myself, trying to watch some videos on my phone, and I never guessed I would suffer such embarrassment as a result.
I turned the volume down low so nobody else would hear, only me, but I couldn’t hear anything so I turned it up louder, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
“There is something wrong with this video,” I thought, but I kind of enjoyed the spectacle anyway.
Later on my Wife and Daughter confronted me.
“What the hell were you watching in the bedroom?” they asked, looking at me disgustedly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling a great sense of shame welling up in the depths of my stomach.
“Shut up,” they said, “we heard the disgusting sounds coming out of your bluetooth speaker!!”
My bluetooth speaker was downstairs in the kitchen beside them while they were eating their toast.
I had forgotten that my phone was still connected to it. This is why there was no sound coming from the videos.
At this moment giving myself a frontal lobe lobotomy with a kitchen knife seemed like it would be enjoyable comparative to the shame I felt.
My secret is now out.
My entire family now know I am an Ed Sheeran fan.
Please, share this so that we can make sure that nobody, anywhere, ever again has to suffer this great shame.
I’ve lost the respect of my family, don’t let this happen to people that you care about.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 13, 2022, 05:15:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 13, 2022, 04:05:42 PM
Today I Was Ashamed In Front Of My Family
I was in the bedroom, having some private time to myself, trying to watch some videos on my phone, and I never guessed I would suffer such embarrassment as a result.
I turned the volume down low so nobody else would hear, only me, but I couldn’t hear anything so I turned it up louder, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
“There is something wrong with this video,” I thought, but I kind of enjoyed the spectacle anyway.
Later on my Wife and Daughter confronted me.
“What the hell were you watching in the bedroom?” they asked, looking at me disgustedly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling a great sense of shame welling up in the depths of my stomach.
“Shut up,” they said, “we heard the disgusting sounds coming out of your bluetooth speaker!!”
My bluetooth speaker was downstairs in the kitchen beside them while they were eating their toast.
I had forgotten that my phone was still connected to it. This is why there was no sound coming from the videos.
At this moment giving myself a frontal lobe lobotomy with a kitchen knife seemed like it would be enjoyable comparative to the shame I felt.
My secret is now out.
My entire family now know I am an Ed Sheeran fan.
Please, share this so that we can make sure that nobody, anywhere, ever again has to suffer this great shame.
I’ve lost the respect of my family, don’t let this happen to people that you care about.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 15, 2022, 07:47:05 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7/281262291-10158489461507097-7574065806233006250-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 15, 2022, 09:14:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2022, 07:47:05 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7/281262291-10158489461507097-7574065806233006250-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 15, 2022, 06:55:18 PM: Quote from: Just One More on May 15, 2022, 09:14:02 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2022, 07:47:05 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7/281262291-10158489461507097-7574065806233006250-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7)

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 15, 2022, 07:56:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 15, 2022, 06:55:18 PM
Quote from: Just One More on May 15, 2022, 09:14:02 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 15, 2022, 07:47:05 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7/281262291-10158489461507097-7574065806233006250-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/67Hmbjx7)

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 16, 2022, 11:07:31 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/3dyT8Rvd/281273562-403429254974656-5454307102226574610-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/3dyT8Rvd)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2022, 07:27:17 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/zV135LJ7/281248736-5319008418161202-3471578672532391270-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zV135LJ7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 17, 2022, 09:26:33 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 17, 2022, 07:27:17 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/zV135LJ7/281248736-5319008418161202-3471578672532391270-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zV135LJ7)
rubschin:

(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/C623/production/_88932705_20302.png)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 17, 2022, 10:36:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 17, 2022, 09:26:33 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 17, 2022, 07:27:17 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/zV135LJ7/281248736-5319008418161202-3471578672532391270-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zV135LJ7)
rubschin:

(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/C623/production/_88932705_20302.png)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 18, 2022, 03:30:14 PM: Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 18, 2022, 04:49:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 18, 2022, 03:30:14 PM
Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

scared:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 18, 2022, 04:53:30 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 18, 2022, 03:30:14 PM
Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

scared:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 20, 2022, 02:27:24 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/8JCBD20y/281574000-490259656222698-7548968408995416163-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8JCBD20y)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 20, 2022, 07:48:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 20, 2022, 02:27:24 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/8JCBD20y/281574000-490259656222698-7548968408995416163-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/8JCBD20y)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 21, 2022, 07:57:46 AM: The government could save tax payers money spent on lollipop ladies/men or school crossing patrol people simply by moving all the schools to the other side of the road so that no kids need to cross...

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 21, 2022, 08:59:47 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 21, 2022, 07:57:46 AM
The government could save tax payers money spent on lollipop ladies/men or school crossing patrol people simply by moving all the schools to the other side of the road so that no kids need to cross...

rubschin:
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 21, 2022, 09:23:46 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 21, 2022, 08:59:47 AM
Quote from: Barman on May 21, 2022, 07:57:46 AM
The government could save tax payers money spent on lollipop ladies/men or school crossing patrol people simply by moving all the schools to the other side of the road so that no kids need to cross...

rubschin:
lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 23, 2022, 10:33:22 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Y4hv09mV/281498803-5391834040877999-2645003556391254906-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/Y4hv09mV)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 24, 2022, 07:28:05 AM: Anyone shocked by the irony that Tesla cars use DC for their main power source.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 24, 2022, 07:54:38 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 24, 2022, 07:28:05 AM
Anyone shocked by the irony that Tesla cars use DC for their main power source.

happy001
Hadn't really thought of it before but ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 25, 2022, 07:13:26 PM: (https://video-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/281745961_10159463737986311_7410077060002282260_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=M35CrzNNYD8AX_MdIqP&_nc_ht=video-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Nd4U5k_aDRs1ZR2mwQ0jUVhMrXd3j5mkxDyhcrELBuA&oe=6292BE67)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 25, 2022, 07:21:21 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 25, 2022, 07:13:26 PM
(https://video-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/281745961_10159463737986311_7410077060002282260_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=M35CrzNNYD8AX_MdIqP&_nc_ht=video-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Nd4U5k_aDRs1ZR2mwQ0jUVhMrXd3j5mkxDyhcrELBuA&oe=6292BE67)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on May 25, 2022, 08:26:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 25, 2022, 07:21:21 PM
Quote from: Steve on May 25, 2022, 07:13:26 PM
(https://video-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/281745961_10159463737986311_7410077060002282260_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=M35CrzNNYD8AX_MdIqP&_nc_ht=video-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT9Nd4U5k_aDRs1ZR2mwQ0jUVhMrXd3j5mkxDyhcrELBuA&oe=6292BE67)

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 04, 2022, 06:05:11 AM: Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations...

Take East Grinstead for example...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 04, 2022, 09:24:20 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 04, 2022, 06:05:11 AM
Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations...

Take East Grinstead for example...
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 04, 2022, 10:02:03 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 04, 2022, 09:24:20 AM
Quote from: Barman on June 04, 2022, 06:05:11 AM
Lots of towns have initials that are also abbreviations...

Take East Grinstead for example...
lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2022, 01:17:02 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/DmpvwTBM/148.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmpvwTBM)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 07, 2022, 01:21:02 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2022, 01:17:02 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DmpvwTBM/148.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmpvwTBM)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:22:55 PM: (https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286121743_2237757589724374_888375142854549588_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=Z4f8pbLVa9cAX_nCsUA&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9gvqpL3GZacsww--KQLgWDFj_C-TKCLWiKZ5lcIehjAw&oe=62A5A607)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:24:04 PM: (https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286165022_10226993115233549_4871106443925152904_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s600x600&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=2f9Em6Je2IgAX9RrlbP&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-EfT65eb8WzTCi3j64SdVgR4Wj2afYdhcZZRclb6oDjQ&oe=62A47448)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 08, 2022, 03:47:10 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:22:55 PM
(https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286121743_2237757589724374_888375142854549588_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=Z4f8pbLVa9cAX_nCsUA&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9gvqpL3GZacsww--KQLgWDFj_C-TKCLWiKZ5lcIehjAw&oe=62A5A607)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 08, 2022, 03:47:49 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:24:04 PM
(https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286165022_10226993115233549_4871106443925152904_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s600x600&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=2f9Em6Je2IgAX9RrlbP&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-EfT65eb8WzTCi3j64SdVgR4Wj2afYdhcZZRclb6oDjQ&oe=62A47448)

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:13:35 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 08, 2022, 03:47:10 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:22:55 PM
(https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286121743_2237757589724374_888375142854549588_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=Z4f8pbLVa9cAX_nCsUA&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9gvqpL3GZacsww--KQLgWDFj_C-TKCLWiKZ5lcIehjAw&oe=62A5A607)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:14:08 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 08, 2022, 03:47:49 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2022, 10:24:04 PM
(https://video-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/286165022_10226993115233549_4871106443925152904_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s600x600&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=2f9Em6Je2IgAX9RrlbP&_nc_ht=video-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-EfT65eb8WzTCi3j64SdVgR4Wj2afYdhcZZRclb6oDjQ&oe=62A47448)

facepalm:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:15:35 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw/pride-month.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 08, 2022, 05:33:32 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:15:35 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw/pride-month.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 08, 2022, 08:33:28 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 08, 2022, 05:33:32 AM
Quote from: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:15:35 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw/pride-month.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 08, 2022, 11:49:07 AM: Quote from: Just One More on June 08, 2022, 05:15:35 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw/pride-month.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Ty8dy2Sw)

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2022, 04:31:24 PM: If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 09, 2022, 04:47:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2022, 04:31:24 PM
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 09, 2022, 05:11:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 09, 2022, 04:47:46 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2022, 04:31:24 PM
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand...
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 10, 2022, 09:51:39 PM: In the 1950s I was out riding my bike and fell off and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 11, 2022, 06:15:15 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 10, 2022, 09:51:39 PM
In the 1950s I was out riding my bike and fell off and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM: Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 17, 2022, 02:10:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM
Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 17, 2022, 06:28:11 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2022, 02:10:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM
Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
lol:

lol: lol:

I think I still have me 3310 and charger in me man drawer ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 18, 2022, 01:43:24 PM: Quote from: Just One More on June 17, 2022, 06:28:11 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2022, 02:10:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM
Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
lol:

lol: lol:

I think I still have me 3310 and charger in me man drawer ;)

Miss T asked for an Apple Watch ........

Took her to an orchard.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2022, 03:19:58 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2022, 01:43:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 17, 2022, 06:28:11 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2022, 02:10:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM
Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
lol:

lol: lol:

I think I still have me 3310 and charger in me man drawer ;)

Miss T asked for an Apple Watch ........

Took her to an orchard.... whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 18, 2022, 04:53:40 PM: Just back from holiday in Thailand and I almost had sex with a lady boy!
She talked like a woman, she walked like a woman and she sure looked like a woman.
It wasn’t till she drove me to her place and she reversed up her driveway without hitting anything that I thought ‘hang on a minute…’

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 18, 2022, 05:31:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2022, 04:53:40 PM
Just back from holiday in Thailand and I almost had sex with a lady boy!
She talked like a woman, she walked like a woman and she sure looked like a woman.
It wasn’t till she drove me to her place and she reversed up her driveway without hitting anything that I thought ‘hang on a minute…’

scared:

;D Thumbs: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 18, 2022, 08:04:00 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2022, 03:19:58 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2022, 01:43:24 PM
Quote from: Just One More on June 17, 2022, 06:28:11 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 17, 2022, 02:10:19 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 17, 2022, 01:22:09 PM
Man who lost Nokia 3310 charger in 2001 down to just two bars on his battery (https://newsthump.com/2022/06/17/man-who-lost-nokia-3310-charger-in-2001-down-to-just-two-bars-on-his-battery/?fbclid=IwAR2VwWLKU779ZhUWEO8OmWcvEA6tS8NJrIvzq-msp_7zBYpM77L1T01LGj8)

Quote
A man who lost his Nokia 3310 charger at the end of 2001 is now down to the last two bars on his battery it is revealed today.

Simon Williams, who has been using the phone daily ever since revealed the news earlier after seeing his battery diminish this morning after speaking to his friend for an hour before playing a marathon game on Snake on the bus.

Speaking earlier he told us, “I’m down to two bars now, this is getting serious.

“I remember losing my charger back in July 2001, when I thought that it was in my bedroom , but it was nowhere to be seen.

“Thankfully I had just fully charged the phone a few weeks before, so I knew I was okay for a little while, and then I kind of forgot about it because the charge on the Nokia just stayed the same, obviously.

“Then in 2012 I was at home and had been playing around with the ring tone options whilst constantly texting my mates and it went down to three bars, which made me look again.

“Obviously this time it’s getting pretty desperate, as I could only have a few years left, so I will need to sort something out before it completely dies.”

Asked if he has ever considered buying newer more modern phone with a camera, and the Internet he told us, “But… it’s got Snake.
lol:

lol: lol:

I think I still have me 3310 and charger in me man drawer ;)

Miss T asked for an Apple Watch ........

Took her to an orchard.... whistle:
lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 18, 2022, 08:07:05 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 18, 2022, 05:31:32 PM
Quote from: Steve on June 18, 2022, 04:53:40 PM
Just back from holiday in Thailand and I almost had sex with a lady boy!
She talked like a woman, she walked like a woman and she sure looked like a woman.
It wasn’t till she drove me to her place and she reversed up her driveway without hitting anything that I thought ‘hang on a minute…’

scared:

;D Thumbs: noooo:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 23, 2022, 07:32:04 AM: When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know at Eltham Crematorium.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies..." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many
years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.

It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bloke had a twin.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 23, 2022, 08:18:23 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 23, 2022, 07:32:04 AM
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know at Eltham Crematorium.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies..." Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many
years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.

It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bloke had a twin.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 23, 2022, 10:23:48 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/MMgQnTdk/289999609-5491900460871356-4374816527892067557-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MMgQnTdk)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 23, 2022, 06:07:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 23, 2022, 10:23:48 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MMgQnTdk/289999609-5491900460871356-4374816527892067557-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MMgQnTdk)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 24, 2022, 10:11:34 AM: Affs?

(https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/289620152_383864407060442_1020163289626506830_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s640x640&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=bpKXDP_MyBkAX9ZRnku&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT9fGeDQVzASqoSW1LJQl5JLfjLXiLJwJTTuDA22cUL2VA&oe=62BB484C)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2022, 11:40:55 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 24, 2022, 10:11:34 AM
Affs?

(https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/289620152_383864407060442_1020163289626506830_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s640x640&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=bpKXDP_MyBkAX9ZRnku&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT9fGeDQVzASqoSW1LJQl5JLfjLXiLJwJTTuDA22cUL2VA&oe=62BB484C)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on June 24, 2022, 07:43:59 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 24, 2022, 11:40:55 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 24, 2022, 10:11:34 AM
Affs?

(https://scontent.fbrs4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/289620152_383864407060442_1020163289626506830_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s640x640&_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=bpKXDP_MyBkAX9ZRnku&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs4-1.fna&oh=00_AT9fGeDQVzASqoSW1LJQl5JLfjLXiLJwJTTuDA22cUL2VA&oe=62BB484C)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 25, 2022, 08:24:08 PM: Driving home from the bar earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car....

"Everything alright officer?" I asked....

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."....

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight beers."....

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."......

(stolen from 1976 redface: )....
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 25, 2022, 10:01:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 25, 2022, 08:24:08 PM
Driving home from the bar earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car....

"Everything alright officer?" I asked....

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."....

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight beers."....

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."......

(stolen from 1976 redface: )....
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 26, 2022, 04:28:04 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 25, 2022, 10:01:50 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on June 25, 2022, 08:24:08 PM
Driving home from the bar earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car....

"Everything alright officer?" I asked....

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."....

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight beers."....

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."......

(stolen from 1976 redface: )....
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 26, 2022, 11:47:50 AM: CONDUCTORS, make a live performance of Vivaldi's Four Seasons more familiar by saying, "Your call is important to us," every four minutes...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 26, 2022, 12:15:17 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 26, 2022, 11:47:50 AM
CONDUCTORS, make a live performance of Vivaldi's Four Seasons more familiar by saying, "Your call is important to us," every four minutes...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 29, 2022, 06:10:32 PM: I came home from work last night and told her that I'd been given a huge promotion at work which meant I got my own office and get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

I should be out of hospital in a few days
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2022, 06:03:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2022, 06:10:32 PM
I came home from work last night and told her that I'd been given a huge promotion at work which meant I got my own office and get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

I should be out of hospital in a few days

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 30, 2022, 07:18:54 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 30, 2022, 06:03:05 AM
Quote from: Steve on June 29, 2022, 06:10:32 PM
I came home from work last night and told her that I'd been given a huge promotion at work which meant I got my own office and get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

I should be out of hospital in a few days

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2022, 12:38:13 PM: Accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app...

...it keeps draining my battery...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 30, 2022, 12:57:02 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 30, 2022, 12:38:13 PM
Accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app...

...it keeps draining my battery...

Thumbs: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 30, 2022, 01:07:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 30, 2022, 12:57:02 PM
Quote from: Barman on June 30, 2022, 12:38:13 PM
Accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app...

...it keeps draining my battery...

Thumbs: evil:

whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 06, 2022, 03:21:02 PM: (https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/291855522_10228670223079236_6260267286270076654_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=B8ltPSpxN40AX-Gi8aH&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT_8lKXklbt2Lliz-ykwHW1hPKzNivs-HjBDMtbEK1sNRw&oe=62CAA6B4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 06, 2022, 03:21:51 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 06, 2022, 03:21:02 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/291855522_10228670223079236_6260267286270076654_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=B8ltPSpxN40AX-Gi8aH&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT_8lKXklbt2Lliz-ykwHW1hPKzNivs-HjBDMtbEK1sNRw&oe=62CAA6B4)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 06, 2022, 05:17:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 06, 2022, 03:21:51 PM
Quote from: Steve on July 06, 2022, 03:21:02 PM
(https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/291855522_10228670223079236_6260267286270076654_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=B8ltPSpxN40AX-Gi8aH&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=00_AT_8lKXklbt2Lliz-ykwHW1hPKzNivs-HjBDMtbEK1sNRw&oe=62CAA6B4)

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 15, 2022, 11:14:47 PM: So I was walking down the street today when an elephant ran past me smashed the jewellery shop window sucked up all the rings and watches and ran off.
2 mins later the police were asking for witnesses.
I said "Officer I saw the whole thing but I don't think you will believe me!"
He said: "TRY ME SON!"
So I recanted what had just happened and he sighed and impatiently opened his notebook and filling out my statement asked me: "Was it an African elephant or Indian elephant?"
I said: "I don't know".
He said: "Did it have big ears? that's an African elephant or small ears? that's an Indian elephant?"
I said: "How am I supposed to know, it had a stocking over it's head!!!!!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 16, 2022, 03:39:53 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 15, 2022, 11:14:47 PM
So I was walking down the street today when an elephant ran past me smashed the jewellery shop window sucked up all the rings and watches and ran off.
2 mins later the police were asking for witnesses.
I said "Officer I saw the whole thing but I don't think you will believe me!"
He said: "TRY ME SON!"
So I recanted what had just happened and he sighed and impatiently opened his notebook and filling out my statement asked me: "Was it an African elephant or Indian elephant?"
I said: "I don't know".
He said: "Did it have big ears? that's an African elephant or small ears? that's an Indian elephant?"
I said: "How am I supposed to know, it had a stocking over it's head!!!!!"

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on July 16, 2022, 08:24:29 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 16, 2022, 03:39:53 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 15, 2022, 11:14:47 PM
So I was walking down the street today when an elephant ran past me smashed the jewellery shop window sucked up all the rings and watches and ran off.
2 mins later the police were asking for witnesses.
I said "Officer I saw the whole thing but I don't think you will believe me!"
He said: "TRY ME SON!"
So I recanted what had just happened and he sighed and impatiently opened his notebook and filling out my statement asked me: "Was it an African elephant or Indian elephant?"
I said: "I don't know".
He said: "Did it have big ears? that's an African elephant or small ears? that's an Indian elephant?"
I said: "How am I supposed to know, it had a stocking over it's head!!!!!"

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 25, 2022, 03:04:56 PM: During breakfast this morning, my husband mentioned it was just as well he moved that big heavy gas bottle yesterday, as he couldn't do it today with his bad back.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on July 25, 2022, 03:22:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 25, 2022, 03:04:56 PM
During breakfast this morning, my husband mentioned it was just as well he moved that big heavy gas bottle yesterday, as he couldn't do it today with his bad back.

NEWSFLASH!! Baldymort busted after Landlady hacks forum account.. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2022, 12:35:17 PM: Correlations... (https://www.tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations) ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 30, 2022, 08:17:32 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/VdJgzzxM/295943366-5591256640935737-8587959674617854959-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/VdJgzzxM)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 01, 2022, 01:43:18 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/qhKc0jzn/mail.png) (https://postimg.cc/qhKc0jzn)

BHL! happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2022, 09:42:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2022, 12:35:17 PM
Correlations... (https://www.tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations) ;D
:thumbsup:

I always like the deaths by drowning and ice cream sales one.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2022, 09:43:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 30, 2022, 08:17:32 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/VdJgzzxM/295943366-5591256640935737-8587959674617854959-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/VdJgzzxM)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2022, 11:27:22 AM: Quote from: Barman on August 01, 2022, 01:43:18 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qhKc0jzn/mail.png) (https://postimg.cc/qhKc0jzn)

BHL! happy002

(https://i.postimg.cc/CzSnCsXS/mail-1.png) (https://postimg.cc/CzSnCsXS)

IPS today... noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 03, 2022, 08:29:34 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/297163530_109035115237673_1426002216258018522_n.jpg?stp=cp1_dst-jpg&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=S4TT1_9CXOgAX9q6ywS&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-3GT1Z781JHm1JcbsKVdwxGKgkfnZVns8A6FmqnCJrNA&oe=62EFCD21)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 04, 2022, 03:48:37 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 03, 2022, 08:29:34 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/297163530_109035115237673_1426002216258018522_n.jpg?stp=cp1_dst-jpg&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=S4TT1_9CXOgAX9q6ywS&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT-3GT1Z781JHm1JcbsKVdwxGKgkfnZVns8A6FmqnCJrNA&oe=62EFCD21)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 15, 2022, 03:40:00 PM: (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FaL8S6HXoAAZYsw?format=jpg&name=900x900)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2022, 03:42:32 PM: Quote from: Steve on August 15, 2022, 03:40:00 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FaL8S6HXoAAZYsw?format=jpg&name=900x900)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 07, 2022, 07:21:24 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/BLyrTS8Y/305633378-5230679037041367-1827421724053042474-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BLyrTS8Y)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 08, 2022, 06:33:18 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 07, 2022, 07:21:24 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BLyrTS8Y/305633378-5230679037041367-1827421724053042474-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BLyrTS8Y)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 10, 2022, 10:47:54 AM: probably Affs but what the hell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pxwdJkj3Ts
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 10, 2022, 08:35:33 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 10, 2022, 10:47:54 AM
probably Affs but what the hell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pxwdJkj3Ts

lol: lol: (Obese-icle lol: lol: lol: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 12, 2022, 08:43:13 PM: To the man in Aldi in front of me at the checkout with 107 items, and didn’t let me jump in front of you with my carrot and turnip.
When you get home and are looking for your 4 cans of Strongbow and your cucumber, I threw them underneath where the bags are.

lol: lol: lol: eveilgrin: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 13, 2022, 04:06:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 12, 2022, 08:43:13 PM
To the man in Aldi in front of me at the checkout with 107 items, and didn’t let me jump in front of you with my carrot and turnip.
When you get home and are looking for your 4 cans of Strongbow and your cucumber, I threw them underneath where the bags are.

lol: lol: lol: eveilgrin: eveilgrin:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 14, 2022, 04:27:46 PM: If Colgate Toothpaste kills 99.9% of germs what does Colgate Sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% of germs without hurting their feelings.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 14, 2022, 04:31:20 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2022, 04:27:46 PM
If Colgate Toothpaste kills 99.9% of germs what does Colgate Sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% of germs without hurting their feelings.

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 14, 2022, 06:37:19 PM: Quote from: Just One More on September 14, 2022, 04:31:20 PM
Quote from: Steve on September 14, 2022, 04:27:46 PM
If Colgate Toothpaste kills 99.9% of germs what does Colgate Sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% of germs without hurting their feelings.

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 15, 2022, 10:16:21 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/xcmFnW11/306081306-10159043831488087-1272717340689834739-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xcmFnW11)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 15, 2022, 08:33:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 15, 2022, 10:16:21 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/xcmFnW11/306081306-10159043831488087-1272717340689834739-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xcmFnW11)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 16, 2022, 09:04:01 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/1nNLHZJL/306668357-10228566686577490-3542069925706308360-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/1nNLHZJL)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 16, 2022, 09:25:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 16, 2022, 09:04:01 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/1nNLHZJL/306668357-10228566686577490-3542069925706308360-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/1nNLHZJL)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on September 23, 2022, 07:44:07 AM: (https://i.imgur.com/G66m313.jpg)

It strikes a chord with me redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2022, 07:48:21 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 23, 2022, 07:44:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/G66m313.jpg)

It strikes a chord with me redface:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2022, 07:48:54 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/FkmmmTmV/308179280-10224050009371125-3744092670146054623-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/FkmmmTmV)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 23, 2022, 08:22:31 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 23, 2022, 07:44:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/G66m313.jpg)

It strikes a chord with me redface:

I was amazed no fecker threw a Paddington bear or marmalade sandwich at the hearse Wankah:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2022, 08:33:46 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 23, 2022, 08:22:31 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 23, 2022, 07:44:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/G66m313.jpg)

It strikes a chord with me redface:

I was amazed no fecker threw a Paddington bear or marmalade sandwich at the hearse Wankah:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2022, 09:48:04 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 23, 2022, 08:33:46 AM
Quote from: Just One More on September 23, 2022, 08:22:31 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on September 23, 2022, 07:44:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/G66m313.jpg)

It strikes a chord with me redface:

I was amazed no fecker threw a Paddington bear or marmalade sandwich at the hearse Wankah:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 23, 2022, 03:04:33 PM: Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth.
This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 23, 2022, 03:08:15 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 23, 2022, 03:04:33 PM
Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth.
This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

Yarpsolutely! If childbirth was really painful they wouldn't keep doing it... ::)

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2022, 05:07:19 AM: That's the 10th passenger today who's called me a terrible Bus Driver…

I don't know where these people get off…
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on September 24, 2022, 06:37:45 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 24, 2022, 05:07:19 AM
That's the 10th passenger today who's called me a terrible Bus Driver…

I don't know where these people get off…

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2022, 09:03:01 AM: Quote from: Just One More on September 24, 2022, 06:37:45 AM
Quote from: Barman on September 24, 2022, 05:07:19 AM
That's the 10th passenger today who's called me a terrible Bus Driver…

I don't know where these people get off…

lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 26, 2022, 07:27:46 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/308414626_5268068726635731_2833000499054163275_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=MgM9CA4gkE0AX_iTazH&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AT9CeAysSNv6FSrhPlT60Pyet4LugCrnF_sZpk8ozjZouA&oe=63371056)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 24, 2022, 03:02:53 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF/311486662-10227518801377759-177082606840967237-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 24, 2022, 04:36:40 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 24, 2022, 03:02:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF/311486662-10227518801377759-177082606840967237-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 24, 2022, 05:11:41 PM: Quote from: Just One More on October 24, 2022, 04:36:40 PM
Quote from: Barman on October 24, 2022, 03:02:53 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF/311486662-10227518801377759-177082606840967237-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/KRY7jkjF)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 26, 2022, 09:04:28 AM: So far today, I've done all right... I haven't lost my temper, and I haven't been grumpy, nasty, selfish, or wishing to throttle someone, knowing there are more idiots who believe the more they know, the more I realise they know nothing.

I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, I'm going to get out of bed.....
and from then on, I'm going to need a lot of help.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 26, 2022, 09:36:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2022, 09:04:28 AM
So far today, I've done all right... I haven't lost my temper, and I haven't been grumpy, nasty, selfish, or wishing to throttle someone, knowing there are more idiots who believe the more they know, the more I realise they know nothing.

I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, I'm going to get out of bed.....
and from then on, I'm going to need a lot of help.

lol: lol: lol: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 26, 2022, 05:10:34 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 26, 2022, 09:36:41 AM
Quote from: Steve on October 26, 2022, 09:04:28 AM
So far today, I've done all right... I haven't lost my temper, and I haven't been grumpy, nasty, selfish, or wishing to throttle someone, knowing there are more idiots who believe the more they know, the more I realise they know nothing.

I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, I'm going to get out of bed.....
and from then on, I'm going to need a lot of help.

lol: lol: lol: redface:

lol: lol: lol: lol: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 30, 2022, 02:08:17 PM: A newly married couple is in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with.
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,
“Damn it! You made me lose count!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 30, 2022, 02:22:03 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 30, 2022, 02:08:17 PM
A newly married couple is in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with.
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,
“Damn it! You made me lose count!”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on October 30, 2022, 02:56:08 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 30, 2022, 02:22:03 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 30, 2022, 02:08:17 PM
A newly married couple is in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with.
After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.
The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,
“Damn it! You made me lose count!”

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 03, 2022, 05:42:14 PM: A brand-new bar opens opposite a Church of all the places!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning and caught fire which destroyed it.
The bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
“It’s Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer…
…and an Entire Church that Doesn’t Believe in it”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 03, 2022, 06:19:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 03, 2022, 05:42:14 PM
A brand-new bar opens opposite a Church of all the places!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning and caught fire which destroyed it.
The bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
“It’s Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer…
…and an Entire Church that Doesn’t Believe in it”

rubschin: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 03, 2022, 10:49:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 03, 2022, 06:19:07 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 03, 2022, 05:42:14 PM
A brand-new bar opens opposite a Church of all the places!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning and caught fire which destroyed it.
The bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
“It’s Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer…
…and an Entire Church that Doesn’t Believe in it”

rubschin: lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2022, 10:04:01 PM: My friend Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sexy busty 20-year-old blonde...........

He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”.....

She said “I’m not pregnant”...........?

Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not rescued yet either”........................ whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2022, 06:29:56 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 04, 2022, 10:04:01 PM
My friend Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sexy busty 20-year-old blonde...........

He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”.....

She said “I’m not pregnant”...........?

Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not rescued yet either”........................ whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 06, 2022, 03:16:46 AM: (https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-bdefd0fc97c9f536784e88281a3f1e6a-lq)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 06, 2022, 09:26:06 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on November 06, 2022, 03:16:46 AM
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-bdefd0fc97c9f536784e88281a3f1e6a-lq)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 06, 2022, 10:31:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 06, 2022, 09:26:06 AM
Quote from: Grumpmeister on November 06, 2022, 03:16:46 AM
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-bdefd0fc97c9f536784e88281a3f1e6a-lq)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2022, 10:56:13 PM: Down the pub talking about the World Cup ..a bloke says to me "name 3 Qatar players ? " ...

Me ..Easy ...Jimi Hendrix ..Eric Clapton ..Sting .... Thumbs: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2022, 06:52:59 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2022, 10:56:13 PM
Down the pub talking about the World Cup ..a bloke says to me "name 3 Qatar players ? " ...

Me ..Easy ...Jimi Hendrix ..Eric Clapton ..Sting .... Thumbs: Thumbs:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2022, 07:08:17 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2022, 06:52:59 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2022, 10:56:13 PM
Down the pub talking about the World Cup ..a bloke says to me "name 3 Qatar players ? " ...

Me ..Easy ...Jimi Hendrix ..Eric Clapton ..Sting .... Thumbs: Thumbs:

lol:

doublefacepalm
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2022, 10:14:44 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2022, 06:52:59 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 19, 2022, 10:56:13 PM
Down the pub talking about the World Cup ..a bloke says to me "name 3 Qatar players ? " ...

Me ..Easy ...Jimi Hendrix ..Eric Clapton ..Sting .... Thumbs: Thumbs:

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2022, 10:19:22 AM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316102704_1574516359628071_9187977469441321859_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=I_zyeQobshIAX9br4Ug&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfCKPfD5Vac3yGZ18I1T0CtQmMaVKSY28d85Ngz7txO5HA&oe=637D734D)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2022, 12:52:22 PM: I called the doctor's surgery for an appointment today.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry but we are very busy and you will have to wait at least two weeks".

I said, "But I could be dead by then"!

Receptionist: "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment".
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 20, 2022, 03:02:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2022, 10:19:22 AM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316102704_1574516359628071_9187977469441321859_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=I_zyeQobshIAX9br4Ug&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfCKPfD5Vac3yGZ18I1T0CtQmMaVKSY28d85Ngz7txO5HA&oe=637D734D)

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2022, 03:42:39 PM: Every year millions gets donated to children in need yet they won’t fund some laser eye therapy for Pudsey…?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2022, 05:34:28 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 20, 2022, 03:02:23 PM
Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2022, 10:19:22 AM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316102704_1574516359628071_9187977469441321859_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=I_zyeQobshIAX9br4Ug&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfCKPfD5Vac3yGZ18I1T0CtQmMaVKSY28d85Ngz7txO5HA&oe=637D734D)

lol: lol:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2022, 05:34:52 PM: Quote from: Steve on November 20, 2022, 12:52:22 PM
I called the doctor's surgery for an appointment today.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry but we are very busy and you will have to wait at least two weeks".

I said, "But I could be dead by then"!

Receptionist: "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment".

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Just One More on November 20, 2022, 05:35:35 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2022, 03:42:39 PM
Every year millions gets donated to children in need yet they won’t fund some laser eye therapy for Pudsey…?

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 20, 2022, 05:40:20 PM: Quote from: Just One More on November 20, 2022, 05:35:35 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2022, 03:42:39 PM
Every year millions gets donated to children in need yet they won’t fund some laser eye therapy for Pudsey…?

lol:
lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 23, 2022, 11:35:35 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/xkgjfNdw/316090870-1579978772441845-651924491361936455-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xkgjfNdw)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 23, 2022, 12:24:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 23, 2022, 11:35:35 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/xkgjfNdw/316090870-1579978772441845-651924491361936455-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xkgjfNdw)

;D ;D redface: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2022, 11:12:06 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/xkzGwKd7/317559808-5858803354179318-6599295136998827369-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xkzGwKd7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 03, 2022, 01:59:37 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/k61j7GTk/317262090-10223920492382161-1934982594447360127-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/k61j7GTk)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 03, 2022, 09:13:16 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318153893_1572419603208353_1830502539307130184_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=OHSw4-V8k8gAX-RvBF4&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDg5rHGcb6YOyOnmNyss4HmxOJRalK6lCk81ODWxBSy7A&oe=638FDCF7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2022, 07:52:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 03, 2022, 09:13:16 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318153893_1572419603208353_1830502539307130184_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=OHSw4-V8k8gAX-RvBF4&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDg5rHGcb6YOyOnmNyss4HmxOJRalK6lCk81ODWxBSy7A&oe=638FDCF7)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 05, 2022, 10:53:37 PM: After his examination, the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I make love to my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after making love with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 06, 2022, 01:38:35 PM: Advice is needed, please...
I'm lucky enough to be on holiday from Dec 23rd to Jan 3rd and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside.
Ideally an all-inclusive resort type thing.
I intend to spend around £10,000 - £15,000 between accommodation and food just to relax, unwind and enjoy the end of what has been a very hard year!
Does anyone know where I can get the money??
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 08, 2022, 12:27:00 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318813768_1576369229480057_2754521601741831426_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=NsyB_rNKpXkAX-bhBEJ&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfBZA04OSmAjV-s-CDFpUN_YscsPPVtGQ1ygakT3Sx5PUw&oe=6396BCB0)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 08, 2022, 12:32:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 08, 2022, 12:27:00 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318813768_1576369229480057_2754521601741831426_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=NsyB_rNKpXkAX-bhBEJ&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfBZA04OSmAjV-s-CDFpUN_YscsPPVtGQ1ygakT3Sx5PUw&oe=6396BCB0)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 09, 2022, 03:36:05 PM: A penguin walked into a pub, and said to the barman "Afternoon squire. A pint of best please."

At this, the barman gave the penguin a look of surprise and said "You're a penguin." To which the penguin replied "No flies on you squire." To which the barman exclaimed "But you can talk." And the penguin said "What of it? Now about this pint, I'd be obliged if you could accommodate squire."

The barman in a state of near shock, poured the pint and passed it across to the penguin, and said "Fancy that. A talking penguin in my pub." To which the penguin said "Yeah, I'm on a job up the road, and I fancied a tightener, so here I am squire." The barman said "On a job?" The penguin replied "Yeah, I'm a plasterer. I'm doing the ceilings up the road. Lovely gaff."

At this the barman had to lean on the pump to steady himself, and said "The circus is in town. If you get yourself along there, you'll be made. They'd pay a fortune for you."

The penguin said "Circus?" The barman said "Yep. Big top and everything." To which the penguin said "Get away, they wouldn't want me." Rather surprised, the barman said "Of course they would. They'd snap you up in an instant. Pay whatever you asked."

But the penguin looked at him like he had two heads, and said " Nonsense squire. Why would a circus want a plasterer?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 09, 2022, 07:06:11 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 09, 2022, 03:36:05 PM
A penguin walked into a pub, and said to the barman "Afternoon squire. A pint of best please."

At this, the barman gave the penguin a look of surprise and said "You're a penguin." To which the penguin replied "No flies on you squire." To which the barman exclaimed "But you can talk." And the penguin said "What of it? Now about this pint, I'd be obliged if you could accommodate squire."

The barman in a state of near shock, poured the pint and passed it across to the penguin, and said "Fancy that. A talking penguin in my pub." To which the penguin said "Yeah, I'm on a job up the road, and I fancied a tightener, so here I am squire." The barman said "On a job?" The penguin replied "Yeah, I'm a plasterer. I'm doing the ceilings up the road. Lovely gaff."

At this the barman had to lean on the pump to steady himself, and said "The circus is in town. If you get yourself along there, you'll be made. They'd pay a fortune for you."

The penguin said "Circus?" The barman said "Yep. Big top and everything." To which the penguin said "Get away, they wouldn't want me." Rather surprised, the barman said "Of course they would. They'd snap you up in an instant. Pay whatever you asked."

But the penguin looked at him like he had two heads, and said " Nonsense squire. Why would a circus want a plasterer?"
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 09, 2022, 08:40:04 PM: (https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpsCovCaYyCIat5WLpPtWHtDQhaZlqodXgOA&usqp=CAU)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on December 09, 2022, 11:08:07 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 09, 2022, 08:40:04 PM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpsCovCaYyCIat5WLpPtWHtDQhaZlqodXgOA&usqp=CAU)

smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 10, 2022, 06:10:13 AM: Quote from: Steve on December 09, 2022, 08:40:04 PM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpsCovCaYyCIat5WLpPtWHtDQhaZlqodXgOA&usqp=CAU)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 13, 2022, 06:36:59 PM: So in these difficult snowbound times,
I popped next door to see if 79-year-old Margaret needed anything from the shop.

She said she did so I gave her my list, no point in both of us going out in this weather.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 13, 2022, 06:43:45 PM: Quote from: Steve on December 13, 2022, 06:36:59 PM
So in these difficult snowbound times,
I popped next door to see if 79-year-old Margaret needed anything from the shop.

She said she did so I gave her my list, no point in both of us going out in this weather.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 20, 2022, 06:49:39 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/4n0hKXNW/320491393-1790189434671943-5295640897936329559-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4n0hKXNW)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 10, 2023, 06:26:25 AM: I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused.

Not bad, seven letters... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 10, 2023, 09:01:45 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2023, 06:26:25 AM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused.

Not bad, seven letters... Thumbs:
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 12, 2023, 08:54:48 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 10, 2023, 09:01:45 AM
Quote from: Barman on January 10, 2023, 06:26:25 AM
I've just been watching Rachel Riliey on Countdown and got aroused.

Not bad, seven letters... Thumbs:
lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:23:28 AM: A fat man saw an ad:
"lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.
He calls the company & lady says to be ready tomorrow at 6 am.
The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:
"you catch me I'm yours" & the girl starts running.
He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week, he tried to catch her but couldn't.
However, he loses 5 kg.
He then asks for the 10kg program.
The next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, G string & a shirt saying:
"you catch me I'm yours"!
He loses 10 kg that week.
So he thought this program is awesome!
Let's try the 25 kg!
So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "R u sure? it's really tough".
He said "YES!"
The next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a gay in just underwear saying, "If I catch you, Your mine!!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2023, 11:33:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:23:28 AM
A fat man saw an ad:
"lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.
He calls the company & lady says to be ready tomorrow at 6 am.
The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying:
"you catch me I'm yours" & the girl starts running.
He starts running but doesn't catch her. During the whole week, he tried to catch her but couldn't.
However, he loses 5 kg.
He then asks for the 10kg program.
The next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, G string & a shirt saying:
"you catch me I'm yours"!
He loses 10 kg that week.
So he thought this program is awesome!
Let's try the 25 kg!
So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "R u sure? it's really tough".
He said "YES!"
The next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a gay in just underwear saying, "If I catch you, Your mine!!!

;D an oldie but goldie!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:43:52 AM: Yes I thought it screamed Affs but search engine said no
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 13, 2023, 07:02:05 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:43:52 AM
Yes I thought it screamed Affs but search engine said no

I think it predates the search engine! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:50:37 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 13, 2023, 07:02:05 PM
Quote from: Steve on January 13, 2023, 11:43:52 AM
Yes I thought it screamed Affs but search engine said no

I think it predates the search engine! lol:
and maybe the internet too
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on January 14, 2023, 05:17:16 PM: Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music.

He says, “I'll be Beethoven.”

Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me…”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 14, 2023, 09:01:42 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on January 14, 2023, 05:17:16 PM
Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music.

He says, “I'll be Beethoven.”

Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me…”
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 15, 2023, 07:25:54 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on January 14, 2023, 05:17:16 PM
Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music.

He says, “I'll be Beethoven.”

Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me…”

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2023, 10:14:09 AM: Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’ I said no, that’s his uncle.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2023, 10:24:12 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2023, 10:14:09 AM
Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’ I said no, that’s his uncle.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on January 16, 2023, 07:06:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2023, 10:14:09 AM
Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’ I said no, that’s his uncle.

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2023, 04:21:58 PM: Ukraine surprised to discover Satnav on German tanks set to Paris (https://newsthump.com/2023/01/25/ukraine-surprised-to-discover-satnav-on-german-tanks-set-to-paris/?fbclid=IwAR1d8etFjliXuxqei8jn9POwEL3Wbt1I5A9dgEomNyz2wpS5muvB1idipto)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 25, 2023, 04:44:31 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/1nyJVT0P/325849021-574572460853026-5288903198258607403-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/1nyJVT0P)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 25, 2023, 05:07:14 PM: Quote from: Barman on January 25, 2023, 04:21:58 PM
Ukraine surprised to discover Satnav on German tanks set to Paris (https://newsthump.com/2023/01/25/ukraine-surprised-to-discover-satnav-on-german-tanks-set-to-paris/?fbclid=IwAR1d8etFjliXuxqei8jn9POwEL3Wbt1I5A9dgEomNyz2wpS5muvB1idipto)

happy001
noooo: you just know some idiots are going to believe that's true

But meantime happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 26, 2023, 04:18:08 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/kB1LJcPB/327221505-600886481855327-2750347101684143039-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/kB1LJcPB)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 27, 2023, 08:39:39 AM: This may be a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 27, 2023, 11:32:42 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 27, 2023, 08:39:39 AM
This may be a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 02, 2023, 05:57:15 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/68726GrF/328138692-1781057325584121-5102306194534826141-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/68726GrF)

I think an AFFS but it made I larf! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 02, 2023, 08:41:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 02, 2023, 05:57:15 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/68726GrF/328138692-1781057325584121-5102306194534826141-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/68726GrF)

I think an AFFS but it made I larf! lol:

lol: lol: lol: doesn't look like an Affs to me but what do I know
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 12, 2023, 10:22:23 AM: I bought a dog off a blacksmith yesterday.

I had it home for 20 minutes before it made a bolt for the door.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 12, 2023, 10:59:01 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 12, 2023, 10:22:23 AM
I bought a dog off a blacksmith yesterday.

I had it home for 20 minutes before it made a bolt for the door.
drumroll:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 26, 2023, 02:15:54 PM: https://newsthump.com/2023/02/24/shortage-of-competent-ministers-sees-government-fill-the-cabinet-with-turnips/

'Due to the limited supply of ministers who know what they’re talking about, the UK government is to be replaced with small root vegetables.
With the UK electorate facing severely low stocks of high-quality government ministers, crates of turnips are being drafted in by Downing Street officials to help run the country.
“Turnips make an excellent substitute for Tory Cabinet ministers,” said Downing Street spokesman Simon Williams. . . . .

. . . .“Turnips never lie. Turnips never evade tax nor hand out lucrative government contracts to their underqualified turnip mates.
“You’ll never see a turnip give an embarrassing and politically damaging interview on breakfast television or abandon its constituents to participate in a reality TV show.'
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on February 26, 2023, 02:59:25 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 26, 2023, 02:15:54 PM
https://newsthump.com/2023/02/24/shortage-of-competent-ministers-sees-government-fill-the-cabinet-with-turnips/

'Due to the limited supply of ministers who know what they’re talking about, the UK government is to be replaced with small root vegetables.
With the UK electorate facing severely low stocks of high-quality government ministers, crates of turnips are being drafted in by Downing Street officials to help run the country.
“Turnips make an excellent substitute for Tory Cabinet ministers,” said Downing Street spokesman Simon Williams. . . . .

. . . .“Turnips never lie. Turnips never evade tax nor hand out lucrative government contracts to their underqualified turnip mates.
“You’ll never see a turnip give an embarrassing and politically damaging interview on breakfast television or abandon its constituents to participate in a reality TV show.'

It's the start of Mr Darwin sir's plan for world domination I tells you.. lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 01, 2023, 01:38:52 PM: https://offers.proudpatriots.com/order-584468961677548238931 (https://offers.proudpatriots.com/order-584468961677548238931)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 01, 2023, 05:28:28 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 01, 2023, 01:38:52 PM
https://offers.proudpatriots.com/order-584468961677548238931 (https://offers.proudpatriots.com/order-584468961677548238931)
noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 04, 2023, 01:08:24 PM: I smell Affs but what the hell

(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/331719936_515997780720697_401792619403781364_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=B59McsGwneEAX_dpx2H&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfAx6YhQvH8KeYPLmy1jNUdbLh-pZXs4vX4MMqJVKgb20Q&oe=640790F9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2023, 12:52:28 PM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FwWmLQB61k
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 05, 2023, 02:13:18 PM: https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/ (https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 05, 2023, 02:51:31 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 05, 2023, 02:13:18 PM
https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/ (https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/)

'You must log in to continue.' noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 05, 2023, 04:14:59 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 05, 2023, 12:52:28 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FwWmLQB61k

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 05, 2023, 04:28:10 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 05, 2023, 02:51:31 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 05, 2023, 02:13:18 PM
https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/ (https://www.facebook.com/591293936/posts/10159950525108937/)

'You must log in to continue.' noooo:

point: point: point:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2023, 02:25:16 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/jnVtt893/334921160-606126797568745-6317038084543712795-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jnVtt893)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 06, 2023, 06:59:05 PM: Agatha, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 06, 2023, 07:23:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 06, 2023, 06:59:05 PM
Agatha, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 08, 2023, 07:46:46 PM: Apparently it's International Women's Day. Thought this would help get the message across:

(https://i.postimg.cc/ftbmt0b8/Whats-App-Image-2023-03-08-at-19-42-53.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ftbmt0b8)

scared:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2023, 05:31:50 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 08, 2023, 07:46:46 PM
Apparently it's International Women's Day. Thought this would help get the message across:

(https://i.postimg.cc/ftbmt0b8/Whats-App-Image-2023-03-08-at-19-42-53.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ftbmt0b8)

scared:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 09, 2023, 04:27:40 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/334691023_242997581402299_35062930284658364_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p552x414&_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=J6xWRh6xWaYAX9t1cXb&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfAFHtz26L8G7EP9FA7xv4zoJFJFFTBE8PnuC1QDo-CsOA&oe=640F9AB3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 09, 2023, 04:29:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 09, 2023, 04:27:40 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/334691023_242997581402299_35062930284658364_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p552x414&_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=J6xWRh6xWaYAX9t1cXb&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfAFHtz26L8G7EP9FA7xv4zoJFJFFTBE8PnuC1QDo-CsOA&oe=640F9AB3)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 10, 2023, 11:29:26 AM: One for Miss D?

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't bloody think so.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 13, 2023, 05:41:39 PM: At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.
"I was putting out the feed when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.
"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.
"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.
"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.
The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 15, 2023, 12:37:41 PM: https://www.facebook.com/reel/545805700975462/?s=single_unit
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 15, 2023, 12:44:24 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 15, 2023, 12:37:41 PM
https://www.facebook.com/reel/545805700975462/?s=single_unit

"Which knee?"

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 15, 2023, 01:41:36 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 15, 2023, 12:44:24 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 15, 2023, 12:37:41 PM
https://www.facebook.com/reel/545805700975462/?s=single_unit

"Which knee?"

happy002
happy002 happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 18, 2023, 12:43:32 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/333487297_684207857038188_5528507512557833182_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=pYdDmdSS9i0AX_696Az&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDfM-_o7xYDyJwDrACtfDE4cPKlFaKG0sKQ1aPhfKOxbw&oe=6419D4D8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2023, 05:39:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 18, 2023, 12:43:32 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/333487297_684207857038188_5528507512557833182_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=pYdDmdSS9i0AX_696Az&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDfM-_o7xYDyJwDrACtfDE4cPKlFaKG0sKQ1aPhfKOxbw&oe=6419D4D8)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2023, 05:39:36 AM: As an alternative to sitting in a bath of beans for Children In Need, I've just had Radox on toast...

Now my bum is bleeding, and I can smell colours.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2023, 08:35:55 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz/335983891-766865214627798-4277718856658040678-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2023, 09:22:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2023, 08:35:55 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz/335983891-766865214627798-4277718856658040678-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz)
facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2023, 02:47:34 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2023, 09:22:21 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2023, 08:35:55 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz/335983891-766865214627798-4277718856658040678-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HcYwNgVz)
facepalm:

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 20, 2023, 10:48:42 PM: Maria was a 19-year-old maid who wanted a pay rise. She wasn't well paid, so one day she asked her Boss, Mrs. Darcy for a pay rise. Mrs.Darcy was annoyed about this and asked, ''Now Maria, why do you want a pay rise?"
''The 1st is that I Iron Better than you", says Maria.
Mrs. Darcy says, you Iron Better than me?''
Maria answers, "Yes I do, Your Husband told me .''
"The 2nd reason is That I cook Better than you.''
Mrs. Darcy Scoffs ''Nonsense, Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria Answers, "Your Husband did.''
Maria then says ''My third reason is that I am better than you in bed."
Mrs.Darcy Demands angrily, ''Did my Husband say that too?"
Maria smiles and says.''No Senora, the gardener did, I would like that pay rise now.''
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2023, 06:51:29 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 20, 2023, 10:48:42 PM
Maria was a 19-year-old maid who wanted a pay rise. She wasn't well paid, so one day she asked her Boss, Mrs. Darcy for a pay rise. Mrs.Darcy was annoyed about this and asked, ''Now Maria, why do you want a pay rise?"
''The 1st is that I Iron Better than you", says Maria.
Mrs. Darcy says, you Iron Better than me?''
Maria answers, "Yes I do, Your Husband told me .''
"The 2nd reason is That I cook Better than you.''
Mrs. Darcy Scoffs ''Nonsense, Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria Answers, "Your Husband did.''
Maria then says ''My third reason is that I am better than you in bed."
Mrs.Darcy Demands angrily, ''Did my Husband say that too?"
Maria smiles and says.''No Senora, the gardener did, I would like that pay rise now.''

razz:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 21, 2023, 07:48:24 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4/kfc.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 21, 2023, 08:36:40 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 21, 2023, 07:48:24 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4/kfc.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4)
lol:

(but its untrue, KFC do Quorn burgers and corn on the cobs that are cloud9: )
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2023, 11:18:28 AM: Quote from: Nick on March 21, 2023, 07:48:24 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4/kfc.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zyjWsgB4)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2023, 04:15:45 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/hXMKgBkC/336077261-1439463503477423-2573716561299538424-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hXMKgBkC)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 21, 2023, 04:26:33 PM: facepalm: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2023, 05:17:07 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 21, 2023, 04:26:33 PM
facepalm: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 21, 2023, 06:37:47 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 21, 2023, 04:15:45 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/hXMKgBkC/336077261-1439463503477423-2573716561299538424-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/hXMKgBkC)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 25, 2023, 11:38:01 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/nsQJTNN1/337825740-242751961624251-4489602632851967154-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nsQJTNN1)

cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 25, 2023, 12:04:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 25, 2023, 11:38:01 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/nsQJTNN1/337825740-242751961624251-4489602632851967154-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nsQJTNN1)

cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 26, 2023, 07:39:43 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/SYLtSG0M/336744901-3522161744739449-2860963822198772664-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/SYLtSG0M)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 26, 2023, 08:57:52 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/4n0H1H0z/337044284-3510997889219768-229606160345643699-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4n0H1H0z)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 26, 2023, 09:42:05 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 26, 2023, 08:57:52 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/4n0H1H0z/337044284-3510997889219768-229606160345643699-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4n0H1H0z)

eeek:
eeek: eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2023, 06:16:57 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/338188606_635945148303657_6434301523405582223_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=G6HpVkIBUWAAX-81Lgp&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfCQh9zCuNFKxOEnHt0Y1p-tDIpCoaBWfVzqg383PdiE8A&oe=6427C0AF)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 29, 2023, 02:08:10 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/1gqQdktL/338158353-1893062091054359-6795128106514743198-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/1gqQdktL)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 29, 2023, 03:38:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 29, 2023, 02:08:10 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/1gqQdktL/338158353-1893062091054359-6795128106514743198-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/1gqQdktL)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 02, 2023, 01:35:07 PM: Little Johnny always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Johnny could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Johnny, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said little Johnny, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Johnny, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2023, 03:18:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 02, 2023, 01:35:07 PM
Little Johnny always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Johnny could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Johnny, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said little Johnny, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Johnny, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 05, 2023, 01:01:48 PM: I woke up to use my Bathroom, in the middle of the night,
And I noticed a dodgy looking guy with a Knife,
Sneaking through, my next-door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from absolutely nowhere,
And smacked him Over the Head with a Shovel, killing him instantly.
He then Dug a Deep Grave, put the Body in it, and filled it back in.
Astonished, I got back into Bed.
My Wife said, "You're upset, what is it"..??

“John next door still has our friggin Shovel"..?!?!?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 05, 2023, 01:28:27 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2023, 01:01:48 PM
I woke up to use my Bathroom, in the middle of the night,
And I noticed a dodgy looking guy with a Knife,
Sneaking through, my next-door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from absolutely nowhere,
And smacked him Over the Head with a Shovel, killing him instantly.
He then Dug a Deep Grave, put the Body in it, and filled it back in.
Astonished, I got back into Bed.
My Wife said, "You're upset, what is it"..??

“John next door still has our friggin Shovel"..?!?!?

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 05, 2023, 04:56:42 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 05, 2023, 01:28:27 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 05, 2023, 01:01:48 PM
I woke up to use my Bathroom, in the middle of the night,
And I noticed a dodgy looking guy with a Knife,
Sneaking through, my next-door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from absolutely nowhere,
And smacked him Over the Head with a Shovel, killing him instantly.
He then Dug a Deep Grave, put the Body in it, and filled it back in.
Astonished, I got back into Bed.
My Wife said, "You're upset, what is it"..??

“John next door still has our friggin Shovel"..?!?!?

lol:

lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 06, 2023, 10:03:32 PM: I was thinking back to when I was at school...
Smoking around the boiler house at the break with all the other bad uns..
Pinching food from the canteen...
Walking out of school at dinner time n not coming back...
running into the girl's toilets...
I can remember the headmaster saying to me,
"You are the worst caretaker we've ever had here"...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 07, 2023, 04:13:17 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 06, 2023, 10:03:32 PM
I was thinking back to when I was at school...
Smoking around the boiler house at the break with all the other bad uns..
Pinching food from the canteen...
Walking out of school at dinner time n not coming back...
running into the girl's toilets...
I can remember the headmaster saying to me,
"You are the worst caretaker we've ever had here"...

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 11, 2023, 08:43:19 PM: The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said. ”When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Wales “.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2023, 04:36:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 11, 2023, 08:43:19 PM
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said. ”When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Wales “.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2023, 08:48:27 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/9RX0Bw01/341006508-756050925930622-1793259605186158325-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/9RX0Bw01)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2023, 09:43:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2023, 08:48:27 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/9RX0Bw01/341006508-756050925930622-1793259605186158325-n.png) (https://postimg.cc/9RX0Bw01)
lol: horrible stuff painted wallpaper, best to move IMHO
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2023, 10:57:48 AM: "Your driving is absolutely terrible" I said to my wife.

"Oh come on it's not that bad" she said.

I just shook my head, took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2023, 02:17:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2023, 10:57:48 AM
"Your driving is absolutely terrible" I said to my wife.

"Oh come on it's not that bad" she said.

I just shook my head, took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2023, 03:38:58 PM: I was having sex with my friend's wife, and the phone rang.

I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2023, 03:44:40 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 12, 2023, 03:38:58 PM
I was having sex with my friend's wife, and the phone rang.

I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me!

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 15, 2023, 08:48:18 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/341186849_944372146983354_5201530384437767716_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=7quFMeXirnsAX_hquzA&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDc_fbzoSlZ5kh4hEQb5-z4CYCHXLwWnTstBqCdRfkObQ&oe=6440A83D)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 16, 2023, 07:23:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 15, 2023, 08:48:18 PM
(https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/341186849_944372146983354_5201530384437767716_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=7quFMeXirnsAX_hquzA&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfDc_fbzoSlZ5kh4hEQb5-z4CYCHXLwWnTstBqCdRfkObQ&oe=6440A83D)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 24, 2023, 10:31:19 PM: Yesterday I was at my local Pets at Home store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that "No, I didn’t have a dog.
I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms."
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me."

I am now banned from Pets at Home.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 25, 2023, 08:27:08 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 24, 2023, 10:31:19 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Pets at Home store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that "No, I didn’t have a dog.
I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms."
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me."

I am now banned from Pets at Home.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 27, 2023, 06:23:47 PM: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 27, 2023, 07:17:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 27, 2023, 06:23:47 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 28, 2023, 08:09:49 PM: The most used sexual position for married couples is doggie style..

The husband sits up and begs.. And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 29, 2023, 07:20:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 28, 2023, 08:09:49 PM
The most used sexual position for married couples is doggie style..

The husband sits up and begs.. And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 30, 2023, 05:06:29 PM: A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2023, 05:50:33 AM: Quote from: Steve on April 30, 2023, 05:06:29 PM
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2023, 08:00:26 PM: (https://scontent-man2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/344370480_768897368202259_5672610713504426904_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=trvDMvc5YfgAX-yElVI&_nc_ht=scontent-man2-1.xx&oh=00_AfBXIrhG8rY-6zIKPxV3ZbJOjiiOkYDfchAppvkv9Q4c0g&oe=64551401)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 01, 2023, 09:19:54 PM: (https://i.ibb.co/SK5fN2V/IMG-0129.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 02, 2023, 07:16:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 01, 2023, 09:19:54 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/SK5fN2V/IMG-0129.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2023, 06:54:29 PM: Affs?

(https://imageproxy.ifunny.co/crop:x-20,resize:640x,quality:90x75/images/b5b758a039a53113ec4149432b4b9f004f4363628e678e178b50364966a44ef9_1.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 27, 2023, 09:38:11 AM: Throughout my life, I have always failed to achieve what I starte
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 27, 2023, 11:07:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 27, 2023, 09:38:11 AM
Throughout my life, I have always failed to achieve what I starte
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 28, 2023, 06:14:54 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/qggycDrx/norfolk.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qggycDrx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2023, 06:44:15 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 28, 2023, 06:14:54 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qggycDrx/norfolk.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qggycDrx)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 28, 2023, 08:51:49 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 28, 2023, 06:44:15 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 28, 2023, 06:14:54 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/qggycDrx/norfolk.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/qggycDrx)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 28, 2023, 02:12:56 PM: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668 (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2023, 03:11:14 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 28, 2023, 02:12:56 PM
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668 (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668)

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 28, 2023, 03:14:37 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/YjhW6mzv/neer-wod.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/YjhW6mzv)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 28, 2023, 03:21:27 PM: Quote from: Nick on May 28, 2023, 03:14:37 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/YjhW6mzv/neer-wod.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/YjhW6mzv)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 28, 2023, 03:24:00 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 28, 2023, 03:11:14 PM
Quote from: Nick on May 28, 2023, 02:12:56 PM
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668 (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid025Ln54FZLPB7AyEyvKTrXiEffW5do5JsTg7yMHnfnHoGq7kvmVAQ1EQtAhfk7ptCKl&id=100033256263668)

lol: lol: lol: noooo:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on May 30, 2023, 07:41:02 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s/crocmusic.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 30, 2023, 08:16:10 AM: Quote from: Nick on May 30, 2023, 07:41:02 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s/crocmusic.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 30, 2023, 09:48:14 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 30, 2023, 08:16:10 AM
Quote from: Nick on May 30, 2023, 07:41:02 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s/crocmusic.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Lq3bMv8s)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 15, 2023, 07:45:21 AM: My neighbour isn’t happy with me, he asked me to get 800 cigarettes while I was on holiday and I charged him £689.

He didn’t realise I'd gone to Blackpool...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 15, 2023, 10:07:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 15, 2023, 07:45:21 AM
My neighbour isn’t happy with me, he asked me to get 800 cigarettes while I was on holiday and I charged him £689.

He didn’t realise I'd gone to Blackpool...
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 19, 2023, 01:35:19 PM: Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from Exeter Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins before they hibernate then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 19, 2023, 01:39:16 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 19, 2023, 01:35:19 PM
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from Exeter Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins before they hibernate then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go

AFFS! lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 20, 2023, 10:12:56 AM: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 23, 2023, 09:05:27 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/4K9PkhSn/355670903-806395654471980-7787213521793768794-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4K9PkhSn)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 24, 2023, 05:49:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 23, 2023, 09:05:27 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/4K9PkhSn/355670903-806395654471980-7787213521793768794-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4K9PkhSn)

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 26, 2023, 07:11:23 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/47CmKCDJ/356118493-10225843393084597-5548913320903226096-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/47CmKCDJ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 26, 2023, 11:22:03 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 26, 2023, 07:11:23 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/47CmKCDJ/356118493-10225843393084597-5548913320903226096-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/47CmKCDJ)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on June 26, 2023, 04:39:02 PM: https://www.quora.com/profile/Emma-Skinner-5/https-humanity-quora-com-Our-six-year-old-handed-us-a-note-His-teacher-had-called-my-wife-and-I-in-for-an-emergency-me?ch=17&oid=110027302&share=90c0d6b9&srid=NyRI5&target_type=post (https://www.quora.com/profile/Emma-Skinner-5/https-humanity-quora-com-Our-six-year-old-handed-us-a-note-His-teacher-had-called-my-wife-and-I-in-for-an-emergency-me?ch=17&oid=110027302&share=90c0d6b9&srid=NyRI5&target_type=post)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 26, 2023, 05:21:01 PM: Quote from: Nick on June 26, 2023, 04:39:02 PM
https://www.quora.com/profile/Emma-Skinner-5/https-humanity-quora-com-Our-six-year-old-handed-us-a-note-His-teacher-had-called-my-wife-and-I-in-for-an-emergency-me?ch=17&oid=110027302&share=90c0d6b9&srid=NyRI5&target_type=post (https://www.quora.com/profile/Emma-Skinner-5/https-humanity-quora-com-Our-six-year-old-handed-us-a-note-His-teacher-had-called-my-wife-and-I-in-for-an-emergency-me?ch=17&oid=110027302&share=90c0d6b9&srid=NyRI5&target_type=post)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 28, 2023, 06:27:06 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/ZvLyRFSL/356297395-6319904311388612-4507937782395311013-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ZvLyRFSL)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 28, 2023, 06:28:35 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/t7msrTgJ/356814982-601447348488537-4006070709967335076-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/t7msrTgJ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 28, 2023, 08:35:27 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 28, 2023, 06:27:06 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ZvLyRFSL/356297395-6319904311388612-4507937782395311013-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ZvLyRFSL)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 28, 2023, 05:38:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 28, 2023, 06:28:35 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/t7msrTgJ/356814982-601447348488537-4006070709967335076-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/t7msrTgJ)

;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 04, 2023, 08:01:58 PM: A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 05, 2023, 04:33:57 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 04, 2023, 08:01:58 PM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 05, 2023, 05:36:14 AM: Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a vicious cycle.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 05, 2023, 09:26:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 05, 2023, 05:36:14 AM
Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a vicious cycle.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 05, 2023, 09:52:00 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/gxbd3LqG/Armstrong.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gxbd3LqG)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 07, 2023, 11:24:03 AM: HS2, for 80 billion quid you could knock Birmingham down and build it closer to London...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 07, 2023, 11:58:05 AM: Quote from: Barman on July 07, 2023, 11:24:03 AM
HS2, for 80 billion quid you could knock Birmingham down and build it closer to London...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 08, 2023, 08:06:57 PM: A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.

The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!".

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!"

His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"

Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2023, 08:17:48 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 08, 2023, 08:06:57 PM
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.

The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!".

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!"

His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"

Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push"

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2023, 10:37:52 AM: If I see an Apple Store being robbed, does that make me an iWitness...? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 09, 2023, 11:00:04 AM: If I had a Pound for every gender I'd have two quid... 🤣
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 09, 2023, 05:02:13 PM: A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 10, 2023, 11:10:02 PM: On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.
"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"

"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 13, 2023, 06:24:10 PM: A big fight at a Gypsy Wedding in Ireland goes to Court,
And the Judge says -
"Can anyone explain what Happened"..???
Paddy says "I can your Honour."
"Cos, I was the Best Man and I was Dancing with the Bride."
"We were Dancing quite close when the Groom stormed up."
"And kicked the Bride, right in the Fanny".
"I See," says the Judge, "Well. That must've Hurt"..???
"Bloody Right." says Paddy.

"He broke 3 of me fooking Fingers."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 16, 2023, 07:08:34 AM: I’m so dull that when I was drowning someone else’s life flashed before my eyes...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2023, 08:21:40 PM: Housework is women's work???
Well... one evening, Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer
and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished --something's up.
It turns out that Jimmy had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and also had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well; the next day, she told her office friends about it.
"We had a great dinner. Jimmy even cleaned up.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry, and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But, what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect, too. Jimmy was too tired..."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2023, 08:36:30 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 28, 2023, 08:21:40 PM
Housework is women's work???
Well... one evening, Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer
and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished --something's up.
It turns out that Jimmy had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and also had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well; the next day, she told her office friends about it.
"We had a great dinner. Jimmy even cleaned up.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry, and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But, what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect, too. Jimmy was too tired..."

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 01, 2023, 07:01:10 PM: (https://scontent-lcy1-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/358149004_6421571384559118_3020231494769056831_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&cb=99be929b-59f725be&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=gLZLlfgevz8AX_dJKqu&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-2.xx&oh=00_AfARcXFSqo1iAIEt7F6TgGu4eluF66yPeALqu3gANeRp3A&oe=64CED6EC)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 02, 2023, 06:46:58 PM: (https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/363388861_10160593036769774_8501213145409572577_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&cb=99be929b-59f725be&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=8vZdLgxo5KIAX-HCoXn&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=00_AfBJz2aPqm78ZRh1JotOsY6MfGNwGh0GNxsix__eWvwSPw&oe=64D00DBC)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 05, 2023, 02:52:25 PM: A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with another man.
He takes out his gun and says to the other man:
"If you want my wife come to take her from me like a man.
I challenge you to a duel."
The other man accepts his challenge and they go into the other room and close the door.
The husband then tells the other man:
"Actually, nobody has to get hurt ...
Let’s shoot into the air and pretend like we are both dead.
And then we will see who my wife will go to firstly, and thus who she loves more!"
So they both fire their guns into the air and lay on the ground.
The woman runs into the room and sees both men on the ground and shouts:
"Honey, you can come out now, they’re both dead!"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 07, 2023, 05:12:40 PM: Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of
the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 15, 2023, 09:44:48 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/jWxtj6Ns/Whats-App-Image-2023-08-15-at-08-54-54.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jWxtj6Ns)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 15, 2023, 10:00:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 15, 2023, 09:44:48 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/jWxtj6Ns/Whats-App-Image-2023-08-15-at-08-54-54.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/jWxtj6Ns)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 15, 2023, 09:20:40 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/PPjX6w3W/Gosport.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/PPjX6w3W)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 16, 2023, 03:52:43 AM: Quote from: Steve on August 15, 2023, 09:20:40 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/PPjX6w3W/Gosport.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/PPjX6w3W)

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 23, 2023, 07:36:01 AM: https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 23, 2023, 09:41:35 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 23, 2023, 07:36:01 AM
https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
lol: and amazing
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 23, 2023, 11:26:06 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 23, 2023, 07:36:01 AM
https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/619308760324562/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on August 24, 2023, 12:27:55 PM: Too soon? lol:

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/who-could-possibly-have-killed-yevgeny-prigozhin-20230824239349
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 24, 2023, 01:32:53 PM: A message floods in... Apey's laptop is FUBAR... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 24, 2023, 09:00:21 PM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on August 24, 2023, 12:27:55 PM
Too soon? lol:

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/who-could-possibly-have-killed-yevgeny-prigozhin-20230824239349
very droll :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 24, 2023, 09:00:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on August 24, 2023, 01:32:53 PM
A message floods in... Apey's laptop is FUBAR... ::)
noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 02, 2023, 04:37:05 PM: https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark (https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 02, 2023, 06:16:39 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 02, 2023, 04:37:05 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark (https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark)
happy001 brilliant
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 03, 2023, 07:16:53 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 02, 2023, 04:37:05 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark (https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=131&v=Vbd0FcnFfO0&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&feature=emb_yt_watermark)

worthy:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2023, 11:01:34 PM: Not a joke but twas in my In Box and it's well worth a watch

https://twitter.com/rafredarrows/status/1697990669938118658
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 05, 2023, 05:01:30 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2023, 11:01:34 PM
Not a joke but twas in my In Box and it's well worth a watch

https://twitter.com/rafredarrows/status/1697990669938118658

Cor! cloud9:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 08, 2023, 05:31:56 PM: TMR tries to trade up

(https://i.postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q/B5-A7-B13-D-127-D-4190-A403-A3-C2-E550-AFC0.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 08, 2023, 05:37:09 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 08, 2023, 05:31:56 PM
TMR tries to trade up

(https://i.postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q/B5-A7-B13-D-127-D-4190-A403-A3-C2-E550-AFC0.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 09, 2023, 06:03:57 AM: Quote from: Nick on September 08, 2023, 05:31:56 PM
TMR tries to trade up

(https://i.postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q/B5-A7-B13-D-127-D-4190-A403-A3-C2-E550-AFC0.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/NKFbDR9Q)

lol: lol: lol: AFFS... ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on September 09, 2023, 11:09:39 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/sBxxb0gd/2038-CF9-E-33-E2-4-FF1-A9-E6-B6-C24528-F9-B7.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sBxxb0gd)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 09, 2023, 01:33:28 PM: Quote from: Nick on September 09, 2023, 11:09:39 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/sBxxb0gd/2038-CF9-E-33-E2-4-FF1-A9-E6-B6-C24528-F9-B7.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/sBxxb0gd)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 12, 2023, 11:14:35 AM: Henning Wehn (https://www.henningwehn.de/) sends another amusing and in part thought provoking missive:

Dear Friends of German Humour,
I hope you’re all well and making the most of the sunshine!

Sadly I'm still writing to you in my capacity as German Comedy Ambassador rather than manager of Germany. It feels as if I'm being overlooked for the role once again. Say what you like about Hansi Flick and Jogi Löw before him, they made watching Nationalmannschaft more exciting than ever. Every game is a nail-biter as we can lose to absolutely anyone.

Moving on, this August I got more than my usual share of good weather as I wasn’t at the Edinburgh Fringe for the first time since 2004. Well, there was the Boris and Nicola enforced break in 2020 but let’s try and forget about that one.

Just like last year, this year’s Fringe has been a battleground of the ‘culture war’. Whereas last year Jerry Sadowitz’s run got cancelled after one show, it got even more ridiculous this time round when Father Ted writer Graham Linehan’s one-off appearance got cancelled before he even got up there. From what I understand it was over his opinions on men in skirts, a very delicate subject in Scotland at the best of times.

Bemusingly the cancellation was celebrated by a good number of performers. As a rule of thumb: cheering when someone isn’t allowed to sell tickets when your business model relies on being allowed to sell tickets is rather short-sighted. For all you know it’s you next.

I said as much on social media, which led to an avalanche of replies. Half the people tried to convince me that if a man puts on a skirt they must be a paedophile and the other half informed me if a man puts on a skirt they become a woman. There wasn’t a single reply along the lines of “If a man puts on a skirt, they’re a man who has put a skirt on and that’s that”.

But let’s move on from the most politicised to the most entertaining weeks of the year: party conference season!

Labour and the Greens are at home in Liverpool and Brighton, the Tories have a tricky away fixture to Manchester, and the Liberals play on neutral ground in Bournemouth.

There’s little better than watching thousands and thousands of people giving standing ovations for speeches full of half-baked ideas! It's like being back on tour!

Joking aside, we must be grateful to every single one of those attendees for giving up their time to be politically active. Be that at national, regional, local or Sunday league level. Because being accountable to and voted for by the general public can’t be fun. For starters: 50% of voters are of below average intelligence.

We rarely hear it said but it’s undoubtedly true: MPs are underpaid if anything. As we learned during the Huw Edwards lark, the geezer reading out what MPs do at work is paid five times as much as the MPs doing the work. That just can’t be right. Since 2016 two MPs got killed doing their job. That’s a higher fatality rate than amongst deep-sea divers who are being paid a lot more and get to breathe purified air. In addition, deep-sea divers risk their lives for only six months of the year rather than every minute God sends.

Talking of working… I am back in action and have a few previews at the Betsey Trotwood coming up, which I am looking forward to immensely!

Following an unbiased look at charity, an unbiased look at immigration, an unbiased look at Brexit and an unbiased look at Covid, “Acid Wehn” will be an unbiased look at climate change and party conferences. Right now it’s still a shambles. But I’m on it!

Have a great rest of (what still feels like) summer

Henning

Please find below a list of upcoming gigs. It would be great to see you at one of those.
November 2023
8th - LONDON - Betsey Trotwood - TICKETS
14th - LONDON - Betsey Trotwood - TICKETS
22nd - LONDON - Betsey Trotwood - TICKETS
29th - LONDON - Betsey Trotwood - TICKETS
30th - LONDON - Betsey Trotwood - TICKETS

Henning Wehn, German Comedy Ambassador, https://www.henningwehn.de/
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 26, 2023, 06:11:54 AM: A lot of people think I’m from Kent, I often hear them whisper it as I walk past...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 26, 2023, 07:55:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 26, 2023, 06:11:54 AM
A lot of people think I’m from Kent, I often hear them whisper it as I walk past...
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 13, 2023, 09:55:28 PM: https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5?dplnkId=103bb365-dd74-4a1b-97a4-19c7e694af41

5.0 out of 5 stars Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 14, 2023, 06:23:07 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 13, 2023, 09:55:28 PM
https://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5?dplnkId=103bb365-dd74-4a1b-97a4-19c7e694af41

5.0 out of 5 stars Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 17, 2023, 03:51:14 PM: I followed the advice off the telly and put a brick in my cistern to save water, which worked a treat so I've now put one in my petrol tank to save fuel.

I can't believe no one else thought of it !
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 17, 2023, 04:48:08 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 17, 2023, 03:51:14 PM
I followed the advice off the telly and put a brick in my cistern to save water, which worked a treat so I've now put one in my petrol tank to save fuel.

I can't believe no one else thought of it !
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on October 26, 2023, 01:51:32 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/GHMHrJ2K/IMG-2302.webp) (https://postimg.cc/GHMHrJ2K)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 26, 2023, 02:28:06 PM: Quote from: Nick on October 26, 2023, 01:51:32 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/GHMHrJ2K/IMG-2302.webp) (https://postimg.cc/GHMHrJ2K)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2023, 06:03:59 AM: A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with, "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half uncle"
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 29, 2023, 07:45:42 AM: The wife and I bought our little son a jigsaw once.

Unfortunately, when we got home, we found he’d plugged it in and cut of four of his fingers.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2023, 10:55:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 29, 2023, 07:45:42 AM
The wife and I bought our little son a jigsaw once.

Unfortunately, when we got home, we found he’d plugged it in and cut of four of his fingers.
noooo: noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 29, 2023, 02:57:15 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/9rLG6zq8/Whats-App-Image-2023-10-28-at-21-14-15-c38937dd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9rLG6zq8)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2023, 10:52:51 AM: Quote from: Steve on October 29, 2023, 02:57:15 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/9rLG6zq8/Whats-App-Image-2023-10-28-at-21-14-15-c38937dd.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9rLG6zq8)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 18, 2023, 11:11:56 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/c6DBb4hc/well.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/c6DBb4hc)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 19, 2023, 06:56:01 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 18, 2023, 11:11:56 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/c6DBb4hc/well.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/c6DBb4hc)

rubschin:

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM: I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 23, 2023, 11:10:10 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.

That joke has been around since the Romans.... whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 23, 2023, 11:23:57 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 24, 2023, 06:47:10 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2023, 11:10:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.

That joke has been around since the Romans.... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 24, 2023, 08:53:37 AM: Quote from: Barman on November 24, 2023, 06:47:10 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2023, 11:10:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.

That joke has been around since the Romans.... whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Grumpmeister on November 25, 2023, 12:29:40 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2023, 11:10:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.

That joke has been around since the Romans.... whistle:

So has BM whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 25, 2023, 11:37:09 AM: Quote from: Grumpmeister on November 25, 2023, 12:29:40 AM
Quote from: apc2010 on November 23, 2023, 11:10:10 PM
Quote from: Barman on November 20, 2023, 06:56:38 AM
I can never remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals. I’m livid.

That joke has been around since the Romans.... whistle:

So has BM whistle:

cussing:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 30, 2023, 04:46:49 PM: We must all do our bit for the environment.

I have just unplugged a row of Teslas that no one was using.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 01, 2023, 10:32:41 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/BXBJFHwQ/tweetofthemonth-November2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BXBJFHwQ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 01, 2023, 05:38:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 01, 2023, 10:32:41 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BXBJFHwQ/tweetofthemonth-November2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BXBJFHwQ)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 02, 2024, 03:24:55 PM: Dry January is dragging on a bit...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 16, 2024, 06:36:26 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/CZm9fVZx/Whats-App-Image-2024-01-16-at-18-27-36-8239e33c.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CZm9fVZx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 16, 2024, 08:00:23 PM: Quote from: Steve on January 16, 2024, 06:36:26 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/CZm9fVZx/Whats-App-Image-2024-01-16-at-18-27-36-8239e33c.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CZm9fVZx)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 23, 2024, 06:12:41 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/ZCNt5mK7/image.png) (https://postimg.cc/ZCNt5mK7)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 24, 2024, 08:45:05 AM: Quote from: Steve on January 23, 2024, 06:12:41 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ZCNt5mK7/image.png) (https://postimg.cc/ZCNt5mK7)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 31, 2024, 09:29:03 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/gLzc88rP/423863759-770986511742043-7480856061872753985-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gLzc88rP)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 13, 2024, 03:44:49 PM: My husband and I have the same dull argument whenever we need to schedule appointments and I'm curious if we're the only couple with this dilemma...

Today is Monday, February 12. If I say "let's go for dinner NEXT FRIDAY" are we eating dinner Friday February 16 or February 23?

eeek:

scared2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 13, 2024, 05:01:53 PM: I seem to remember a entire thread on this subject. rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 15, 2024, 08:59:51 AM: (https://i.imgur.com/fDpRqNj.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 15, 2024, 10:10:15 AM: clever
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2024, 12:46:07 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 15, 2024, 08:59:51 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/fDpRqNj.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:

AFFS... ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 15, 2024, 02:08:17 PM: Thought it was familar, just being affable redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 15, 2024, 02:21:43 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 15, 2024, 02:08:17 PM
Thought it was familar, just being affable redface:

drumroll:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 19, 2024, 04:12:47 PM: Don't like my grammar?

I could care fewer.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 19, 2024, 04:41:05 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 19, 2024, 04:12:47 PM
Don't like my grammar?

I could care fewer.
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 24, 2024, 03:17:13 PM: Find out if anyone on the beach has been stung by a jellyfish by pissing on them and seeing if they say thanks...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 24, 2024, 05:32:41 PM: Quote from: Barman on February 24, 2024, 03:17:13 PM
Find out if anyone on the beach has been stung by a jellyfish by pissing on them and seeing if they say thanks...
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2024, 07:37:21 AM: I'm scared of negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 28, 2024, 09:24:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on February 28, 2024, 07:37:21 AM
I'm scared of negative numbers and I will stop at nothing to avoid them
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 29, 2024, 12:58:06 PM: 29th Feb. The only day a man doesn't want to have a woman kneeling in front of him……. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 29, 2024, 01:05:03 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 29, 2024, 12:58:06 PM
29th Feb. The only day a man doesn't want to have a woman kneeling in front of him……. whistle:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 01, 2024, 06:51:45 AM: I am giving up past tense for lend.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 01, 2024, 10:22:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 01, 2024, 06:51:45 AM
I am giving up past tense for lend.
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 02, 2024, 01:38:46 PM: Friends in London have a teenage daughter. She turned 15 this week and wanted a party. At their house. They are pretty relaxed about these things and said she could and that they would go out for the evening. scared2:

They returned about ll and all seemed well. A girl came down the stairs carrying a carrier bag. Another girl said to her, “Is that your vomit?”

The girl with the bag said, “Yes. I am taking it home.”

eeek:

How well brought up do you have to be to do that?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2024, 02:35:52 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 02, 2024, 01:38:46 PM
Friends in London have a teenage daughter. She turned 15 this week and wanted a party. At their house. They are pretty relaxed about these things and said she could and that they would go out for the evening. scared2:

They returned about ll and all seemed well. A girl came down the stairs carrying a carrier bag. Another girl said to her, “Is that your vomit?”

The girl with the bag said, “Yes. I am taking it home.”

eeek:

How well brought up do you have to be to do that?

eeek: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2024, 04:11:54 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 02, 2024, 02:35:52 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 02, 2024, 01:38:46 PM
Friends in London have a teenage daughter. She turned 15 this week and wanted a party. At their house. They are pretty relaxed about these things and said she could and that they would go out for the evening. scared2:

They returned about ll and all seemed well. A girl came down the stairs carrying a carrier bag. Another girl said to her, “Is that your vomit?”

The girl with the bag said, “Yes. I am taking it home.”

eeek:

How well brought up do you have to be to do that?

eeek: sick2:
eeek: eeek: sick2:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 07, 2024, 07:44:24 AM: Well, not the inbox, The Telegraph...

(https://i.postimg.cc/zLXGnrbv/Matt.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zLXGnrbv)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2024, 09:29:15 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 07, 2024, 07:44:24 AM
Well, not the inbox, The Telegraph...

(https://i.postimg.cc/zLXGnrbv/Matt.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zLXGnrbv)

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2024, 06:36:45 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 02, 2024, 01:38:46 PM
Friends in London have a teenage daughter. She turned 15 this week and wanted a party. At their house. They are pretty relaxed about these things and said she could and that they would go out for the evening. scared2:

They returned about ll and all seemed well. A girl came down the stairs carrying a carrier bag. Another girl said to her, “Is that your vomit?”

The girl with the bag said, “Yes. I am taking it home.”

eeek:

How well brought up do you have to be to do that?

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 07, 2024, 09:34:48 PM: Struggling to get a costume together for world book day? Why not self publish a childrens ebook about a child that dresses exactly like your child does.……. Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 07, 2024, 10:19:49 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2024, 09:34:48 PM
Struggling to get a costume together for world book day? Why not self publish a childrens ebook about a child that dresses exactly like your child does.……. Thumbs:
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2024, 06:55:43 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 07, 2024, 09:34:48 PM
Struggling to get a costume together for world book day? Why not self publish a childrens ebook about a child that dresses exactly like your child does.……. Thumbs:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 08, 2024, 07:19:27 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/v13XbdHC/28685986-10155491956962239-5103415044207986670-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v13XbdHC)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 08, 2024, 08:38:30 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 08, 2024, 07:19:27 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v13XbdHC/28685986-10155491956962239-5103415044207986670-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v13XbdHC)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 08, 2024, 05:01:35 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 08, 2024, 08:38:30 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 08, 2024, 07:19:27 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/v13XbdHC/28685986-10155491956962239-5103415044207986670-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/v13XbdHC)
lol:

;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 11, 2024, 09:45:04 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/DmM5NcbZ/Whats-App-Image-2024-03-11-at-20-16-11-35dd845d.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmM5NcbZ)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 12, 2024, 07:53:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 11, 2024, 09:45:04 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/DmM5NcbZ/Whats-App-Image-2024-03-11-at-20-16-11-35dd845d.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/DmM5NcbZ)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 13, 2024, 06:46:39 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/tn7WTxhd/431249475-443808694669745-3369633317417308828-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/tn7WTxhd)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 13, 2024, 09:38:28 PM: Affs?

(https://i.postimg.cc/F7WTcS21/thumbnail-IMG-7732.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/F7WTcS21)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 14, 2024, 09:02:16 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 13, 2024, 09:38:28 PM
Affs?

(https://i.postimg.cc/F7WTcS21/thumbnail-IMG-7732.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/F7WTcS21)

Yes! lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 14, 2024, 10:41:26 AM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2024, 07:57:20 AM: My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... 😮

I've been his customer for 6 years!

I had no idea he was a barber...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 16, 2024, 09:03:09 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2024, 07:57:20 AM
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... 😮

I've been his customer for 6 years!

I had no idea he was a barber...
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 16, 2024, 09:31:12 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2024, 07:57:20 AM
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... 😮

I've been his customer for 6 years!

I had no idea he was a barber...

AFFS"…. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 16, 2024, 11:02:43 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on March 16, 2024, 09:31:12 AM
Quote from: Barman on March 16, 2024, 07:57:20 AM
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... 😮

I've been his customer for 6 years!

I had no idea he was a barber...

AFFS"…. noooo:

redface: redface: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 19, 2024, 06:27:08 PM: If I see someone doing a crossword I tap them on the shoulder and whisper 7 Up is lemonade...
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 19, 2024, 07:36:50 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2024, 06:27:08 PM
If I see someone doing a crossword I tap them on the shoulder and whisper 7 Up is lemonade...
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 19, 2024, 09:01:50 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 19, 2024, 07:36:50 PM
Quote from: Barman on March 19, 2024, 06:27:08 PM
If I see someone doing a crossword I tap them on the shoulder and whisper 7 Up is lemonade...
lol: lol: lol:

;D smile: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 21, 2024, 07:59:56 AM: I've been on Facebook for 17 years.

I remember when this was all farmland.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 21, 2024, 01:39:03 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/14J5CQ6w/FB-IMG-1636927416335.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/14J5CQ6w)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 23, 2024, 10:57:41 AM: Quote from: Steve on March 21, 2024, 01:39:03 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/14J5CQ6w/FB-IMG-1636927416335.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/14J5CQ6w)

eeek:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 23, 2024, 10:58:28 AM: Where do Astronauts go for a drink...? rubschin:

(https://i.postimg.cc/XZTFsbcm/420553815-733917748864821-1136013233563962364-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XZTFsbcm)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 23, 2024, 11:54:05 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 23, 2024, 10:58:28 AM
Where do Astronauts go for a drink...? rubschin:

(https://i.postimg.cc/XZTFsbcm/420553815-733917748864821-1136013233563962364-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XZTFsbcm)
;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 28, 2024, 12:12:07 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp/432683752-799814555525905-8817136272519421877-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 28, 2024, 01:09:56 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2024, 12:12:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp/432683752-799814555525905-8817136272519421877-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 28, 2024, 01:25:30 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 28, 2024, 12:12:07 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp/432683752-799814555525905-8817136272519421877-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MXhkfgvp)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2024, 08:14:00 AM: (https://i.imgur.com/h3wAsD8.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2024, 08:18:55 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2024, 08:14:00 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/h3wAsD8.jpg)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on March 31, 2024, 10:00:24 AM: Quote from: Barman on March 31, 2024, 08:18:55 AM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on March 31, 2024, 08:14:00 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/h3wAsD8.jpg)

happy001

;D ;D smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on March 31, 2024, 07:52:54 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/p95GkNct/img-1-1711914360927.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p95GkNct)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 31, 2024, 08:28:16 PM: Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2024, 07:52:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/p95GkNct/img-1-1711914360927.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p95GkNct)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 31, 2024, 09:11:18 PM: Quote from: Barman on March 31, 2024, 08:28:16 PM
Quote from: Nick on March 31, 2024, 07:52:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/p95GkNct/img-1-1711914360927.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/p95GkNct)

lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 02, 2024, 02:18:39 PM: A black man goes into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman says: “Where d’you get that?”

The parrot says: “From Africa. There’s fucking millions of ’em there!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 02, 2024, 04:55:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 02, 2024, 02:18:39 PM
A black man goes into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman says: “Where d’you get that?”

The parrot says: “From Africa. There’s fucking millions of ’em there!”

;D ;D redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 03, 2024, 09:43:00 AM: https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 03, 2024, 09:59:53 AM: Quote from: Nick on April 03, 2024, 09:43:00 AM
https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 03, 2024, 03:48:22 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 03, 2024, 09:43:00 AM
https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/davetvchannel/videos/587872092264396/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 11, 2024, 01:00:32 PM: The new bank notes are out …….not the first time Charlie’s been on notes ….. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 11, 2024, 01:23:56 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 11, 2024, 01:00:32 PM
The new bank notes are out …….not the first time Charlie’s been on notes ….. whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 11, 2024, 01:33:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 11, 2024, 01:23:56 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on April 11, 2024, 01:00:32 PM
The new bank notes are out …….not the first time Charlie’s been on notes ….. whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2024, 12:09:08 PM: https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 17, 2024, 01:07:15 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 17, 2024, 12:09:08 PM
https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)

Bat shit crazy ….
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2024, 01:43:56 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 17, 2024, 12:09:08 PM
https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)
They are amazing animals but you can't keep them as pets.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on April 17, 2024, 01:49:16 PM: She did!!
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 17, 2024, 02:57:46 PM: A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.

The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."

Might be an AFFS... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2024, 04:58:40 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 17, 2024, 01:49:16 PM
She did!!
It was 1978 they did things differently then
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2024, 04:59:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 17, 2024, 02:57:46 PM
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.

The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."

Might be an AFFS... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 17, 2024, 07:07:25 PM: Quote from: Nick on April 17, 2024, 12:09:08 PM
https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v (https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/263765211826392/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v)

And guess what today is?

https://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/international/international-bat-appreciation-day-april-17
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 18, 2024, 12:01:35 PM: Back in my day we had two bulbs; 60w and 100w. Everything was a dull yellow. That helped hide the tar stains on the wall from the cigarette smoke.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 18, 2024, 07:18:45 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2024, 12:01:35 PM
Back in my day we had two bulbs; 60w and 100w. Everything was a dull yellow. That helped hide the tar stains on the wall from the cigarette smoke.
;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 18, 2024, 08:43:39 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 18, 2024, 07:18:45 PM
Quote from: Barman on April 18, 2024, 12:01:35 PM
Back in my day we had two bulbs; 60w and 100w. Everything was a dull yellow. That helped hide the tar stains on the wall from the cigarette smoke.
;D

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 23, 2024, 04:41:55 PM: My mate with a stutter tried to tell us his nanna had died …

We all thought he was singing Hey Jude and joined in to help him sing …. ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 24, 2024, 05:55:26 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on April 23, 2024, 04:41:55 PM
My mate with a stutter tried to tell us his nanna had died …

We all thought he was singing Hey Jude and joined in to help him sing …. ;)

;D Although I'm sure it is an AFFS... rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 01, 2024, 09:11:27 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/XrRQG8xw/438161778-824825769691450-1575881400376281785-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/XrRQG8xw)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2024, 07:49:03 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/CZWyk60N/438160525-10161067388685519-6208101056256682114-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CZWyk60N)

I thought this 'Limerick' was clever... I had to look up the answer tho... redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2024, 09:10:41 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 04, 2024, 07:49:03 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/CZWyk60N/438160525-10161067388685519-6208101056256682114-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/CZWyk60N)

I thought this 'Limerick' was clever... I had to look up the answer tho... redface:
Same here redface:. Very clever
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 04, 2024, 01:21:37 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/gw0X93Gr/thumbnail-IMG-7931.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gw0X93Gr)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 04, 2024, 01:35:18 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 04, 2024, 01:21:37 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/gw0X93Gr/thumbnail-IMG-7931.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/gw0X93Gr)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 05, 2024, 08:54:59 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/rDNVd17D/439943029-827181876122506-7088386972487858338-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rDNVd17D)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 05, 2024, 02:49:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 05, 2024, 08:54:59 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/rDNVd17D/439943029-827181876122506-7088386972487858338-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rDNVd17D)
;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 05, 2024, 07:02:27 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on May 05, 2024, 02:49:04 PM
Quote from: Barman on May 05, 2024, 08:54:59 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/rDNVd17D/439943029-827181876122506-7088386972487858338-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/rDNVd17D)
;D
;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 06, 2024, 11:08:24 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/BjKxbKY3/Whats-App-Image-2024-05-06-at-11-45-17-5e941a4b.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BjKxbKY3)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2024, 11:55:25 AM: Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2024, 11:08:24 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/BjKxbKY3/Whats-App-Image-2024-05-06-at-11-45-17-5e941a4b.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/BjKxbKY3)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 06, 2024, 01:06:31 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/fST5h2Z5/Whats-App-Image-2024-05-06-at-13-51-35-06eb06ab.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fST5h2Z5)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 06, 2024, 02:01:43 PM: Quote from: Steve on May 06, 2024, 01:06:31 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/fST5h2Z5/Whats-App-Image-2024-05-06-at-13-51-35-06eb06ab.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/fST5h2Z5)

happy002
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 07, 2024, 10:00:48 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/3y18GyC1/440139908-828564782650882-7794409862202216892-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/3y18GyC1)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 07, 2024, 10:54:02 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 07, 2024, 10:00:48 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/3y18GyC1/440139908-828564782650882-7794409862202216892-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/3y18GyC1)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2024, 04:32:05 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/SnL9gBBs/Matt-Cartoon.png) (https://postimg.cc/SnL9gBBs)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 10, 2024, 08:05:20 AM: It's sad that the person who invented the Ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry-go-round.

They travelled in different circles.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 10, 2024, 08:55:55 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 10, 2024, 08:05:20 AM
It's sad that the person who invented the Ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry-go-round.

They travelled in different circles.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on May 10, 2024, 08:56:36 AM: Quote from: Barman on May 10, 2024, 04:32:05 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/SnL9gBBs/Matt-Cartoon.png) (https://postimg.cc/SnL9gBBs)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 12, 2024, 06:05:18 AM: From Reader's Letters in The telegraph today...

Quote
Hurrah for the Punchbowl Inn at Crosthwaite, where the food is locally sourced, beautifully cooked and presented – and totally lacking in lacquered sheep’s testicles, fermented beans caramelised in birch sap, or anything foraged from under a hedge nestled in fox scat.

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 12, 2024, 02:20:51 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 12, 2024, 06:05:18 AM
From Reader's Letters in The telegraph today...

Quote
Hurrah for the Punchbowl Inn at Crosthwaite, where the food is locally sourced, beautifully cooked and presented – and totally lacking in lacquered sheep’s testicles, fermented beans caramelised in birch sap, or anything foraged from under a hedge nestled in fox scat.

lol: lol: lol:

lol: lol: Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2024, 05:41:23 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/pmW3W8DV/673c3479-d50c-4d75-8c1f-5d9082d2da86.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/pmW3W8DV)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on May 14, 2024, 08:34:23 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/MvFHQhSg/440367966-832903765550317-4460145419823930983-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/MvFHQhSg)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on May 14, 2024, 05:16:19 PM: Quote from: Barman on May 14, 2024, 05:41:23 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/pmW3W8DV/673c3479-d50c-4d75-8c1f-5d9082d2da86.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/pmW3W8DV)

Thumbs: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 07, 2024, 09:00:37 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/HJk1T1jK/thumbnail-IMG-8088.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HJk1T1jK)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 07, 2024, 03:38:17 PM: Quote from: Steve on June 07, 2024, 09:00:37 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/HJk1T1jK/thumbnail-IMG-8088.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HJk1T1jK)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2024, 11:20:02 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/5YbLbYgx/mattcartoon44.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/5YbLbYgx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 09, 2024, 12:39:48 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2024, 11:20:02 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/5YbLbYgx/mattcartoon44.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/5YbLbYgx)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 09, 2024, 03:15:20 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/4nJ21wtx/448041977-431080789891838-7994845371972012938-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4nJ21wtx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 09, 2024, 05:31:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 09, 2024, 03:15:20 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/4nJ21wtx/448041977-431080789891838-7994845371972012938-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/4nJ21wtx)
lol: lol: lol:

Affs methinks
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 12, 2024, 08:53:30 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/k2wG3vcw/448056978-850617387112288-8115283717818975683-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/k2wG3vcw)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 12, 2024, 09:18:21 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 12, 2024, 08:53:30 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/k2wG3vcw/448056978-850617387112288-8115283717818975683-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/k2wG3vcw)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 12, 2024, 02:10:25 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/PppZngZz/448174420-851008837073143-1513073405613556673-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/PppZngZz)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 12, 2024, 08:11:27 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 12, 2024, 02:10:25 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/PppZngZz/448174420-851008837073143-1513073405613556673-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/PppZngZz)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 13, 2024, 01:26:46 PM: Right. I have read all the manifestos and I have to say I am disappointed in every one of them. Not enough shagging and barely a mention of soapy titwanks. It's almost as if they have given up. Bin em.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 13, 2024, 04:56:52 PM: Is there an election in Smugland then ;)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2024, 05:43:11 AM: Quote from: Steve on June 13, 2024, 04:56:52 PM
Is there an election in Smugland then ;)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2024, 06:47:07 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/9zLnty8Z/4a5bbac6-ba70-4eb7-8549-262d0a50e387.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9zLnty8Z)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on June 14, 2024, 07:11:40 AM: Quote from: Barman on June 14, 2024, 06:47:07 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/9zLnty8Z/4a5bbac6-ba70-4eb7-8549-262d0a50e387.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/9zLnty8Z)

A real fathead in more ways than one.

noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 14, 2024, 07:40:53 AM: SIR – A week ago, as I was finding the general election campaign dull and predictable, I decided to make it more interesting by allowing myself an alcoholic drink each time I heard or saw the following: “Liz Truss’s mini-Budget”; “Fully funded, fully costed”: “Toolmaker”; “We have a plan”; or Sir Ed Davey in a life jacket and/or safety helmet.

I haven’t got a lot done since, but it has made watching political interviews much more enjoyable.

James Sneath
Eastbourne, East Sussex
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 22, 2024, 09:50:05 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/NL7hmkNk/448881586-10163508776219992-3810265729855370016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/NL7hmkNk)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 22, 2024, 01:08:44 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 22, 2024, 09:50:05 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/NL7hmkNk/448881586-10163508776219992-3810265729855370016-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/NL7hmkNk)
rubschin:

Think it's the lack of a colon that's misleading
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on June 23, 2024, 02:47:25 PM: Portugal recorded 702
passes on Tuesday. The only way England could compete with that is
if Harry Kane went on
Mastermind…..

(Someone explain to BM )….
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 23, 2024, 04:19:26 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 23, 2024, 02:47:25 PM
Portugal recorded 702
passes on Tuesday. The only way England could compete with that is
if Harry Kane went on
Mastermind…..

(Someone explain to BM )….
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 23, 2024, 05:14:23 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on June 23, 2024, 02:47:25 PM
Portugal recorded 702
passes on Tuesday. The only way England could compete with that is
if Harry Kane went on
Mastermind…..

(Someone explain to BM )….

evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 23, 2024, 05:17:43 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/87stgq0z/449038065-10161162519731201-202470496297500298-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/87stgq0z)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on June 23, 2024, 06:52:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on June 23, 2024, 05:17:43 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/87stgq0z/449038065-10161162519731201-202470496297500298-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/87stgq0z)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on June 25, 2024, 09:40:01 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Z0LNzZCv/449025207-858704176303609-6568623950250341487-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Z0LNzZCv)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 02, 2024, 07:31:32 AM: (https://i.imgur.com/6ZivxEQ.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 02, 2024, 08:46:08 AM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 02, 2024, 07:31:32 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/6ZivxEQ.jpg)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on July 10, 2024, 05:39:36 AM: https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC9LSlqVPphq%2F&h=AT3rzn4HQ486JpXkgA8ac7GZrmSValVbl-pOl04cp1g39igniaDpplqXEbuhA2uN8iqAaaAVXQTNyU3T0Lmh0wRXJw36ftDtunrA2JhrdK32QJ5KIRRzjHcyBcNvy8w2z6ad1_fjtQEQ&s=1 (https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC9LSlqVPphq%2F&h=AT3rzn4HQ486JpXkgA8ac7GZrmSValVbl-pOl04cp1g39igniaDpplqXEbuhA2uN8iqAaaAVXQTNyU3T0Lmh0wRXJw36ftDtunrA2JhrdK32QJ5KIRRzjHcyBcNvy8w2z6ad1_fjtQEQ&s=1)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 10, 2024, 06:33:56 AM: Quote from: Nick on July 10, 2024, 05:39:36 AM
https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC9LSlqVPphq%2F&h=AT3rzn4HQ486JpXkgA8ac7GZrmSValVbl-pOl04cp1g39igniaDpplqXEbuhA2uN8iqAaaAVXQTNyU3T0Lmh0wRXJw36ftDtunrA2JhrdK32QJ5KIRRzjHcyBcNvy8w2z6ad1_fjtQEQ&s=1 (https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC9LSlqVPphq%2F&h=AT3rzn4HQ486JpXkgA8ac7GZrmSValVbl-pOl04cp1g39igniaDpplqXEbuhA2uN8iqAaaAVXQTNyU3T0Lmh0wRXJw36ftDtunrA2JhrdK32QJ5KIRRzjHcyBcNvy8w2z6ad1_fjtQEQ&s=1)

lol: lol: lol: AFFS ::)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 10, 2024, 09:26:27 AM: Link doesn't work
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 10, 2024, 10:34:28 AM: Quote from: Steve on July 10, 2024, 09:26:27 AM
Link doesn't work

Works for me! Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 10, 2024, 11:13:57 AM: Looks staged.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 10, 2024, 05:53:39 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 10, 2024, 10:34:28 AM
Quote from: Steve on July 10, 2024, 09:26:27 AM
Link doesn't work

Works for me! Thumbs:
Seems you have to have an account on and login to Instagram. No thanks
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2024, 09:44:01 AM: A contact of mine has 2 tickets for the England v Spain Euro Final on Sunday!

He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Poole Registry Office, at 3pm.

The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Come on England! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 ⚽️
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2024, 09:49:17 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/mtn7SCRx/image001.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mtn7SCRx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2024, 12:33:49 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2024, 09:44:01 AM
A contact of mine has 2 tickets for the England v Spain Euro Final on Sunday!

He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Poole Registry Office, at 3pm.

The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Come on England! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 ⚽️

;D

I'd say AFFS but I suppose it isn't really... lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2024, 12:34:06 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2024, 09:49:17 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/mtn7SCRx/image001.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/mtn7SCRx)

That's an AFFS... lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2024, 01:11:14 PM: redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on July 14, 2024, 01:14:33 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/HcYD69hY/450552755-1523100588617516-7820637164999063781-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HcYD69hY)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on July 14, 2024, 03:06:31 PM: Quote from: Steve on July 14, 2024, 01:14:33 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/HcYD69hY/450552755-1523100588617516-7820637164999063781-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/HcYD69hY)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on July 14, 2024, 04:53:43 PM: The secret service missed a golden opportunity to say........Donald Duck…… redface:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on August 01, 2024, 11:05:22 PM: Save £££s paying for Olympic boxing tickets to watch an Algerian man beat up a European woman by just walking around Paris and seeing it for free.….. Shocked:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on August 02, 2024, 05:32:41 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on August 01, 2024, 11:05:22 PM
Save £££s paying for Olympic boxing tickets to watch an Algerian man beat up a European woman by just walking around Paris and seeing it for free.….. Shocked:

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on August 06, 2024, 08:04:34 AM: https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC-Lh1XkuKrb%2F&h=AT3865amnP4RVyN1WtvnAulnk_FJWY7ouCc4E7-jKodqObJMpYKP8hngJgKjGuwmlZc-D7rROYGBzh4FtAzUAgRKI0u2kyVjD-BlufFq4j6MJlKtEe0ckNVrAUufcoxEdjTXsgE-T59v&s=1 (https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC-Lh1XkuKrb%2F&h=AT3865amnP4RVyN1WtvnAulnk_FJWY7ouCc4E7-jKodqObJMpYKP8hngJgKjGuwmlZc-D7rROYGBzh4FtAzUAgRKI0u2kyVjD-BlufFq4j6MJlKtEe0ckNVrAUufcoxEdjTXsgE-T59v&s=1)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on August 06, 2024, 10:05:50 AM: Quote from: Nick on August 06, 2024, 08:04:34 AM
https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC-Lh1XkuKrb%2F&h=AT3865amnP4RVyN1WtvnAulnk_FJWY7ouCc4E7-jKodqObJMpYKP8hngJgKjGuwmlZc-D7rROYGBzh4FtAzUAgRKI0u2kyVjD-BlufFq4j6MJlKtEe0ckNVrAUufcoxEdjTXsgE-T59v&s=1 (https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Freel%2FC-Lh1XkuKrb%2F&h=AT3865amnP4RVyN1WtvnAulnk_FJWY7ouCc4E7-jKodqObJMpYKP8hngJgKjGuwmlZc-D7rROYGBzh4FtAzUAgRKI0u2kyVjD-BlufFq4j6MJlKtEe0ckNVrAUufcoxEdjTXsgE-T59v&s=1)
;D

Is she going to do your stew making next?
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 04, 2024, 09:28:36 AM: A bloke is walking round town when he sees a pub with a sign advertising "All the Lager You Can Drink for 50p!" He thinks that's a brilliant deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the barman 50p and asks for a Fosters.

"Coming right up" says the barman as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway. The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the lager you can drink for 50p."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 04, 2024, 09:58:24 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2024, 09:28:36 AM
A bloke is walking round town when he sees a pub with a sign advertising "All the Lager You Can Drink for 50p!" He thinks that's a brilliant deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the barman 50p and asks for a Fosters.

"Coming right up" says the barman as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway. The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the lager you can drink for 50p."

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 04, 2024, 11:05:50 AM: Quote from: Barman on September 04, 2024, 09:58:24 AM
Quote from: Steve on September 04, 2024, 09:28:36 AM
A bloke is walking round town when he sees a pub with a sign advertising "All the Lager You Can Drink for 50p!" He thinks that's a brilliant deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the barman 50p and asks for a Fosters.

"Coming right up" says the barman as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway. The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the lager you can drink for 50p."

smile: smile: smile:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 10, 2024, 11:52:47 AM: Not the Inbox, The Telegraph today...

Quote from: Michael Deacon
Straight talking
Dan Levy – the Emmy-winning star and creator of the globally acclaimed TV series Schitt’s Creek – is very proud of his show’s success. This, he explains, is because he’s gay – and in the entertainment industry, gay people “don’t get the same opportunities as other people… The opportunities that do come are very rare.”

I’m sure we can all see exactly what he means. Because, if there’s one thing everyone knows about the world of showbiz, it’s that it’s screamingly heterosexual.

From pop music to reality TV, and from pantomime to musical theatre, it’s hard to think of a more rigidly old-fashioned bastion of heteronormativity than the performing arts. As a result, opportunities for gay actors, singers, presenters, writers and dancers are few and far between. Which is why the entertainment industry is dominated by flaming heterosexuals like Sir Elton John, Stephen Fry, Graham Norton, Craig Revel-Horwood, Alan Carr, Bruno Tonioli, Russell T Davies, Sir Ian McKellen, Alan Bennett, Sue Perkins, Matt Lucas, Boy George, Sam Smith, RuPaul, Sandi Toksvig, Andrew Scott, Sir Derek Jacobi, Kristen Stewart, Rupert Everett, Miriam Margolyes, Cynthia Nixon, Julian Clary and Christopher Biggins.

Thankfully, though, it seems that there is at last hope of a breakthrough. This month sees the launch of Queer Theatre, a London-based LGBTQ+ theatre and production company that, its founders say, is “dedicated to nurturing queer talent”.

I wish all involved the best of luck. Indeed, the news has inspired me to take action, too. Because, in the same spirit, I’ve decided to set up a support group for heterosexual builders.

Just as gay men are notoriously thin on the ground in the world of showbiz, heterosexual men have always found it desperately difficult to break into the construction industry. Since time immemorial, building sites have been the almost exclusive domain of flamboyantly camp gay men, endlessly blasting out their favourite show tunes, leering over photos of topless hunks in the latest issue of Attitude, and shouting rude comments at female passersby (“Where DID you get those simply FRIGHTFUL shoes, darling? They’re SO last season”).

Sadly, the near total lack of straight representation in the construction industry discourages heterosexual men from entering. With enough support and encouragement, however, I firmly believe that my plucky little group of heterosexual builders can finally break the glass ceiling. And then fix it again, for a reasonable price.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 10, 2024, 12:57:24 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 10, 2024, 11:52:47 AM
Not the Inbox, The Telegraph today...

Quote from: Michael Deacon
Straight talking
Dan Levy – the Emmy-winning star and creator of the globally acclaimed TV series Schitt’s Creek – is very proud of his show’s success. This, he explains, is because he’s gay – and in the entertainment industry, gay people “don’t get the same opportunities as other people… The opportunities that do come are very rare.”

I’m sure we can all see exactly what he means. Because, if there’s one thing everyone knows about the world of showbiz, it’s that it’s screamingly heterosexual.

From pop music to reality TV, and from pantomime to musical theatre, it’s hard to think of a more rigidly old-fashioned bastion of heteronormativity than the performing arts. As a result, opportunities for gay actors, singers, presenters, writers and dancers are few and far between. Which is why the entertainment industry is dominated by flaming heterosexuals like Sir Elton John, Stephen Fry, Graham Norton, Craig Revel-Horwood, Alan Carr, Bruno Tonioli, Russell T Davies, Sir Ian McKellen, Alan Bennett, Sue Perkins, Matt Lucas, Boy George, Sam Smith, RuPaul, Sandi Toksvig, Andrew Scott, Sir Derek Jacobi, Kristen Stewart, Rupert Everett, Miriam Margolyes, Cynthia Nixon, Julian Clary and Christopher Biggins.

Thankfully, though, it seems that there is at last hope of a breakthrough. This month sees the launch of Queer Theatre, a London-based LGBTQ+ theatre and production company that, its founders say, is “dedicated to nurturing queer talent”.

I wish all involved the best of luck. Indeed, the news has inspired me to take action, too. Because, in the same spirit, I’ve decided to set up a support group for heterosexual builders.

Just as gay men are notoriously thin on the ground in the world of showbiz, heterosexual men have always found it desperately difficult to break into the construction industry. Since time immemorial, building sites have been the almost exclusive domain of flamboyantly camp gay men, endlessly blasting out their favourite show tunes, leering over photos of topless hunks in the latest issue of Attitude, and shouting rude comments at female passersby (“Where DID you get those simply FRIGHTFUL shoes, darling? They’re SO last season”).

Sadly, the near total lack of straight representation in the construction industry discourages heterosexual men from entering. With enough support and encouragement, however, I firmly believe that my plucky little group of heterosexual builders can finally break the glass ceiling. And then fix it again, for a reasonable price.

smile: ;D smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 22, 2024, 08:03:45 AM: If an empire is run by an emperor and a kingdom is run by a king, is the UK now just a country? rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 22, 2024, 12:50:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 22, 2024, 08:03:45 AM
If an empire is run by an emperor and a kingdom is run by a king, is the UK now just a country? rubschin:

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 24, 2024, 09:32:30 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/JttSJp6y/Whats-App-Image-2024-09-24-at-09-35-47-4e6fe79a.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/JttSJp6y)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 24, 2024, 10:09:22 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 24, 2024, 09:32:30 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/JttSJp6y/Whats-App-Image-2024-09-24-at-09-35-47-4e6fe79a.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/JttSJp6y)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 28, 2024, 03:06:05 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/ZBBCF6KB/461543736-10160398943598365-7119757049355372120-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ZBBCF6KB)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 28, 2024, 05:43:29 PM: Quote from: Barman on September 28, 2024, 03:06:05 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/ZBBCF6KB/461543736-10160398943598365-7119757049355372120-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/ZBBCF6KB)
lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on September 28, 2024, 05:43:54 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/GTbC1b26/thumbnail-IMG-3912.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GTbC1b26)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on September 29, 2024, 06:09:38 AM: Quote from: Steve on September 28, 2024, 05:43:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/GTbC1b26/thumbnail-IMG-3912.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GTbC1b26)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on September 29, 2024, 02:00:24 PM: Quote from: Steve on September 28, 2024, 05:43:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/GTbC1b26/thumbnail-IMG-3912.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/GTbC1b26)

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 01, 2024, 07:09:34 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/kDTbJwV9/461654312-10161389257362416-4377402801335735408-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/kDTbJwV9)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 05, 2024, 11:14:05 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 01, 2024, 07:09:34 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/kDTbJwV9/461654312-10161389257362416-4377402801335735408-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/kDTbJwV9)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 05, 2024, 11:16:55 AM: Affs?

(https://i.postimg.cc/7CvnCCzB/Whats-App-Image-2024-10-05-at-10-32-33-d27f29d2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7CvnCCzB)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 05, 2024, 12:51:41 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 05, 2024, 11:16:55 AM
Affs?

(https://i.postimg.cc/7CvnCCzB/Whats-App-Image-2024-10-05-at-10-32-33-d27f29d2.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7CvnCCzB)

lol: lol: lol: Yes I think so but it has been around for years... Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 10, 2024, 10:05:14 PM: Has Phillip Schofield gone to report on that American hurricane …?..? rubschin:

I heard he was off to Tampa with kids … whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 11, 2024, 05:04:50 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on October 10, 2024, 10:05:14 PM
Has Phillip Schofield gone to report on that American hurricane …?..? rubschin:

I heard he was off to Tampa with kids … whistle:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 13, 2024, 07:31:02 PM: I could have been a top classics scholar but I couldn't master Greek mythology. It's always been my Hercules heel.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 13, 2024, 08:28:14 PM: Quote from: Steve on October 13, 2024, 07:31:02 PM
I could have been a top classics scholar but I couldn't master Greek mythology. It's always been my Hercules heel.

;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 13, 2024, 10:44:58 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 13, 2024, 08:28:14 PM
Quote from: Steve on October 13, 2024, 07:31:02 PM
I could have been a top classics scholar but I couldn't master Greek mythology. It's always been my Hercules heel.

;D

;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on October 24, 2024, 05:32:50 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/0MStDchs/464090230-938657228308303-8017747198886939821-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/0MStDchs)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on October 24, 2024, 07:31:00 AM: Quote from: Barman on October 24, 2024, 05:32:50 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/0MStDchs/464090230-938657228308303-8017747198886939821-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/0MStDchs)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on October 24, 2024, 01:08:13 PM: Quote from: Barman on October 24, 2024, 05:32:50 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/0MStDchs/464090230-938657228308303-8017747198886939821-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/0MStDchs)

smile: smile: smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 16, 2024, 07:26:57 PM: Jake Paul first 27 year to bash a pensioner round the ring …..

Since Wayne Rooney ….. noooo:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 17, 2024, 06:36:33 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 16, 2024, 07:26:57 PM
Jake Paul first 27 year to bash a pensioner round the ring …..

Since Wayne Rooney ….. noooo:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 25, 2024, 06:29:12 PM: A spokesman for Jaguar said the advert was not about the cars but its trans mission……. whistle:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 26, 2024, 07:13:55 AM: Quote from: apc2010 on November 25, 2024, 06:29:12 PM
A spokesman for Jaguar said the advert was not about the cars but its trans mission……. whistle:

doh:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 27, 2024, 04:19:08 PM: The BBC does increasingly look like a stall set up by an entry slip road to a motorway selling buggy whips, hay & saddles.

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 28, 2024, 03:45:46 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 27, 2024, 04:19:08 PM
The BBC does increasingly look like a stall set up by an entry slip road to a motorway selling buggy whips, hay & saddles.

happy001

smile: smile:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on November 29, 2024, 10:14:22 AM: Somehow I think this might not be genuine

(https://i.postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-29-at-09-55-36-21ac2359.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv)

And for political balance:

(https://i.postimg.cc/z39B1WJx/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-28-at-11-52-29-8938a318.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z39B1WJx)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on November 29, 2024, 11:43:58 AM: Quote from: Steve on November 29, 2024, 10:14:22 AM
Somehow I think this might not be genuine

(https://i.postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-29-at-09-55-36-21ac2359.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv)

And for political balance:

(https://i.postimg.cc/z39B1WJx/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-28-at-11-52-29-8938a318.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z39B1WJx)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on November 29, 2024, 05:45:03 PM: Quote from: Barman on November 29, 2024, 11:43:58 AM
Quote from: Steve on November 29, 2024, 10:14:22 AM
Somehow I think this might not be genuine

(https://i.postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-29-at-09-55-36-21ac2359.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nMWdFSmv)

And for political balance: smile: ;D

(https://i.postimg.cc/z39B1WJx/Whats-App-Image-2024-11-28-at-11-52-29-8938a318.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/z39B1WJx)

happy001

lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 04, 2024, 05:57:04 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/TysfWrhY/468716998-10163161213427214-4619140891654112353-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/TysfWrhY)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 04, 2024, 01:23:53 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 04, 2024, 05:57:04 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/TysfWrhY/468716998-10163161213427214-4619140891654112353-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/TysfWrhY)

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 05, 2024, 03:40:54 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/nCbqwzGz/469083157-122122167830552485-6903971917609977463-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nCbqwzGz)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 05, 2024, 05:01:06 PM: Quote from: Barman on December 05, 2024, 03:40:54 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/nCbqwzGz/469083157-122122167830552485-6903971917609977463-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nCbqwzGz)

Thumbs: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2024, 10:02:25 AM: Some wag in the Speccie says he’s looking forward to TTK carefully undoing the pigs in blankets on Christmas Day, crying, “Victoria, I’ve released the sausages!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on December 23, 2024, 03:17:57 PM: Liven up big family Xmas gatherings by telling one of them...

"I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here"….

Thumbs:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 23, 2024, 04:03:54 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2024, 03:17:57 PM
Liven up big family Xmas gatherings by telling one of them...

"I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here"….

Thumbs:

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on December 23, 2024, 06:21:49 PM: If only..
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on December 24, 2024, 09:45:47 AM: Quote from: Barman on December 23, 2024, 04:03:54 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on December 23, 2024, 03:17:57 PM
Liven up big family Xmas gatherings by telling one of them...

"I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here"….

Thumbs:

happy001
happy001 happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on December 24, 2024, 05:33:46 PM: Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a walk in town.

They come across a fair and see a sign “Most beautiful woman in the world contest” Snow White says “I’m in!”. She comes out half an hour later. They say to her “How did you do?” “First place!” she says.

Further on they see “Strongest man in the world contest”. “Watch this” says Superman. He comes back half an hour later. “How did you do?” they say, “First place!” he smiles.

Next door is a booth “Greatest Liar in the World contest”. “This is mine!” says Pinocchio. Half an our later he come out bawling his head off. “What happened?” they ask. He screams “Who the hell is Rachel Reeves?!”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on January 30, 2025, 10:19:17 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/zV9Rxjg7/474593003-1008302488010443-8572896212198709061-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zV9Rxjg7)

happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on January 30, 2025, 10:58:34 AM: Quote from: Barman on January 30, 2025, 10:19:17 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/zV9Rxjg7/474593003-1008302488010443-8572896212198709061-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/zV9Rxjg7)

happy001
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 07, 2025, 06:03:51 PM: in Norfolk all the churches have got subsidance due to everyone sitting on same side at a wedding…..!.
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 07, 2025, 06:16:50 PM: Quote from: apc2010 on February 07, 2025, 06:03:51 PM
in Norfolk all the churches have got subsidance due to everyone sitting on same side at a wedding…..!.
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 08, 2025, 09:21:44 AM: Quote from: Steve on February 07, 2025, 06:16:50 PM
Quote from: apc2010 on February 07, 2025, 06:03:51 PM
in Norfolk all the churches have got subsidance due to everyone sitting on same side at a wedding…..!.
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 10, 2025, 02:39:40 PM: (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Gi7MPQqa4AAX6Qq?format=jpg&name=small)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Nick on February 10, 2025, 02:54:57 PM: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 11, 2025, 02:24:14 PM: More in the same vein. Actually from 4 years ago but still dead on the money: https://x.com/Ipitythepoorfo1/status/1317856496647049217

Full text:

'Someone asked "Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?"

Nate White, an articulate and witty writer from England, wrote this magnificent response:

"A few things spring to mind.

Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem.

For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honor and no grace - all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed.

So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing - not once, ever.

I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility - for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman.

But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is - his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers.

And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults - he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface.

Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront.

Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul.

And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist.

Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that.

He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat.

He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully.

That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a sniveling sidekick instead.

There are unspoken rules to this stuff - the Queensberry rules of basic decency - and he breaks them all. He punches downwards - which a gentleman should, would, could never do - and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless - and he kicks them when they are down.

It’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.

God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid.

If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set."
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on February 11, 2025, 04:31:42 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 10, 2025, 02:39:40 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Gi7MPQqa4AAX6Qq?format=jpg&name=small)

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 19, 2025, 10:04:53 PM: (https://attachment.tapatalk-cdn.com/2548/202502/90_e59145695dbb0a55f67a9c3db6b61f21.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Uncle Mort on February 28, 2025, 01:05:54 PM: (https://i.imgur.com/bQpyzVN.jpg)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on February 28, 2025, 01:23:19 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 28, 2025, 01:05:54 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/bQpyzVN.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on February 28, 2025, 02:21:44 PM: Quote from: Steve on February 28, 2025, 01:23:19 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on February 28, 2025, 01:05:54 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/bQpyzVN.jpg)
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol: evil:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on March 02, 2025, 06:00:54 PM: https://www.facebook.com/peter.singer1/videos/1047172897292050/?rdid=CWd9q1i2NbbtfA5k#
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on March 02, 2025, 06:04:16 PM: Quote from: Steve on March 02, 2025, 06:00:54 PM
https://www.facebook.com/peter.singer1/videos/1047172897292050/?rdid=CWd9q1i2NbbtfA5k#

lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 01, 2025, 01:24:35 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/D4PZhYVf/487695030-1054365103404181-2380887301005293368-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/D4PZhYVf)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 12, 2025, 07:43:24 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/7GV8bR8K/486691560-1062537545920270-8108440683811896085-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7GV8bR8K)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 12, 2025, 08:52:58 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 12, 2025, 07:43:24 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/7GV8bR8K/486691560-1062537545920270-8108440683811896085-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/7GV8bR8K)
happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 14, 2025, 11:59:16 AM: One sunny afternoon, an elderly woman named Violante was cruising peacefully down the highway when she noticed flashing red and blue lights in her rearview mirror. Without a fuss, she pulled over to the side of the road. A young, nervous-looking officer approached her window.

Officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Violante: “Is something wrong, Officer?”

Officer: “Yes, ma’am. You were speeding.”

Violante: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”

Violante: “I would, but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “…You don’t?”

Violante: “Nope. Lost it about four years ago—for drunk driving.”

The officer paused, clearly rattled.

Officer: “Alright… Can I see your vehicle registration, then?”

Violante: “Sorry, can’t help you there either.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Violante: “Because I stole the car.”

The officer’s jaw nearly hit the ground.

Officer: “You... stole it?”

Violante: “Yes. And just so you know, I killed the owner. His chopped-up body’s in the trunk.”

Now pale and panicked, the officer backed away slowly, hand on his radio. Moments later, squad cars surrounded the vehicle. A senior officer approached, hand resting on his holstered weapon.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, please step out of the car.”

Violante stepped out calmly, even smiling.

Officer 2: “One of my officers says you stole this vehicle and... murdered the owner.”

Violante (cheerfully): “Murder? Oh my! Of course not. Feel free to check the trunk if you’d like.”

Cautiously, the officer opened the trunk. It was empty—nothing but a few reusable grocery bags.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Violante: “Certainly. Here’s the registration.”

She handed over the papers. Everything checked out.

Officer 2: “And your driver’s license?”

Violante opened her purse and handed it over with a pleasant nod.

The officer looked it over, stunned.

Officer 2: “I don’t understand. My officer said you didn’t have a license, that this car was stolen, and... you’d killed someone.”

Violante chuckled.

Violante: “Let me guess… I bet he also said I was speeding.”
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 14, 2025, 12:15:53 PM: Quote from: Steve on April 14, 2025, 11:59:16 AM
One sunny afternoon, an elderly woman named Violante was cruising peacefully down the highway when she noticed flashing red and blue lights in her rearview mirror. Without a fuss, she pulled over to the side of the road. A young, nervous-looking officer approached her window.

Officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Violante: “Is something wrong, Officer?”

Officer: “Yes, ma’am. You were speeding.”

Violante: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”

Violante: “I would, but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “…You don’t?”

Violante: “Nope. Lost it about four years ago—for drunk driving.”

The officer paused, clearly rattled.

Officer: “Alright… Can I see your vehicle registration, then?”

Violante: “Sorry, can’t help you there either.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Violante: “Because I stole the car.”

The officer’s jaw nearly hit the ground.

Officer: “You... stole it?”

Violante: “Yes. And just so you know, I killed the owner. His chopped-up body’s in the trunk.”

Now pale and panicked, the officer backed away slowly, hand on his radio. Moments later, squad cars surrounded the vehicle. A senior officer approached, hand resting on his holstered weapon.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, please step out of the car.”

Violante stepped out calmly, even smiling.

Officer 2: “One of my officers says you stole this vehicle and... murdered the owner.”

Violante (cheerfully): “Murder? Oh my! Of course not. Feel free to check the trunk if you’d like.”

Cautiously, the officer opened the trunk. It was empty—nothing but a few reusable grocery bags.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Violante: “Certainly. Here’s the registration.”

She handed over the papers. Everything checked out.

Officer 2: “And your driver’s license?”

Violante opened her purse and handed it over with a pleasant nod.

The officer looked it over, stunned.

Officer 2: “I don’t understand. My officer said you didn’t have a license, that this car was stolen, and... you’d killed someone.”

Violante chuckled.

Violante: “Let me guess… I bet he also said I was speeding.”

facepalm:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 14, 2025, 05:49:04 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 14, 2025, 12:15:53 PM
Quote from: Steve on April 14, 2025, 11:59:16 AM
One sunny afternoon, an elderly woman named Violante was cruising peacefully down the highway when she noticed flashing red and blue lights in her rearview mirror. Without a fuss, she pulled over to the side of the road. A young, nervous-looking officer approached her window.

Officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Violante: “Is something wrong, Officer?”

Officer: “Yes, ma’am. You were speeding.”

Violante: “Oh, I see.”

Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”

Violante: “I would, but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “…You don’t?”

Violante: “Nope. Lost it about four years ago—for drunk driving.”

The officer paused, clearly rattled.

Officer: “Alright… Can I see your vehicle registration, then?”

Violante: “Sorry, can’t help you there either.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Violante: “Because I stole the car.”

The officer’s jaw nearly hit the ground.

Officer: “You... stole it?”

Violante: “Yes. And just so you know, I killed the owner. His chopped-up body’s in the trunk.”

Now pale and panicked, the officer backed away slowly, hand on his radio. Moments later, squad cars surrounded the vehicle. A senior officer approached, hand resting on his holstered weapon.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, please step out of the car.”

Violante stepped out calmly, even smiling.

Officer 2: “One of my officers says you stole this vehicle and... murdered the owner.”

Violante (cheerfully): “Murder? Oh my! Of course not. Feel free to check the trunk if you’d like.”

Cautiously, the officer opened the trunk. It was empty—nothing but a few reusable grocery bags.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Violante: “Certainly. Here’s the registration.”

She handed over the papers. Everything checked out.

Officer 2: “And your driver’s license?”

Violante opened her purse and handed it over with a pleasant nod.

The officer looked it over, stunned.

Officer 2: “I don’t understand. My officer said you didn’t have a license, that this car was stolen, and... you’d killed someone.”

Violante chuckled.

Violante: “Let me guess… I bet he also said I was speeding.”

facepalm:

smile: ;D
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 19, 2025, 05:50:46 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Jy3qDHX8/491954257-1068110372029654-314490871716912532-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Jy3qDHX8)

rubschin:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 22, 2025, 02:50:01 PM: (https://i.postimg.cc/21MqzD7h/Gp-Eg-JZBWQAAQzlm.png) (https://postimg.cc/21MqzD7h)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 22, 2025, 04:06:16 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 22, 2025, 02:50:01 PM

(https://i.postimg.cc/21MqzD7h/Gp-Eg-JZBWQAAQzlm.png) (https://postimg.cc/21MqzD7h)
Happy001
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Barman on April 25, 2025, 06:57:18 AM: (https://i.postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5/493289117-10171835643080171-6460342343105973035-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5)
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: Steve on April 25, 2025, 10:05:59 AM: Quote from: Barman on April 25, 2025, 06:57:18 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5/493289117-10171835643080171-6460342343105973035-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5)
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Fresh from the Inbox
Post by: apc2010 on April 25, 2025, 03:51:07 PM: Quote from: Barman on April 25, 2025, 06:57:18 AM

(https://i.postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5/493289117-10171835643080171-6460342343105973035-n.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Zv0NT8D5)

:thumbsup: