The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Miss Demeanour on November 16, 2009, 08:16:10 AM
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For advice when you have no interest in hearing another point of view evil:
A friend of mine phoned last night at 11.30 noooo: - she was in a right two and eight about the actions of her partners ex - who she hasn't met yet - but the actions of the ex relate to my friend (without going into all the details here)
So she read out a text that she had composed and asked my opinion. I said I thought she had been too harsh and judgemental and that if I received a text like that it would do nothing but anger me further. "Ok then - you compose a text which covers what I want to say" she says . So I suggested a structure for her and then she accused me of being too fluffy and nice to this woman evil:
Send what you want then is how it was left Banghead Banghead Banghead
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Indeed, she didn't want your advice only your support for her actions.
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IMHO a person's ex is a matter for that person, not any subsequent partners, boy/girlfriends or sundry family members, hangers on etc. All communication with an ex should be by the ex's ex-partner/spouse unless it concerns specifics like looking after any children during access periods, planning weddings of children of the first relationship (when the new partner may have some input but by invitation only).
Unless the circumstances are exceptional any new partner must keep away from any and all communication. Taking sides in a dispute will only serve to make matters worse and in the end the new partner will find themselves marginalised as the two exes become resentful of the newcomer involving themselves in matters that they were never privy to when they first arose.
Oh and as for why bother asking? Advice is meant to be given not taken.
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Advice is meant to be given not taken.
Advice requested by the fair sex is expected to confirm the prefered answer, not offer alternatives.
Alternative views indicate a lack of empathy.
Much as U. Mort said really.
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Tough ...if you ask me for my opinion I will tell you what I think ...not what you want to hear evil:
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As it should be Miss D. happy088
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Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. ;)
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Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. ;)
I try to fit in with you lot lol:
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Yes, very macho of you. A proper tomboy response. ;)
I try to fit in with you lot lol:
Quite comfotably too I'd say. cloud9:
Anyway, tell us the juicy bits, i.e. but the actions of the ex relate to my friend (without going into all the details here) Popcorn:
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Growler ...I never had you down as a gossip queen ;)
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Growler ...I never had you down as a gossip queen ;)
Oh yes, if it's juicy with 'bits in' to tickle the mind like. eveilgrin:
I lead a dull and boring life in reality. cry:
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Friends BF and his ex have a child. She is 5 . They have the child most every other weekend. Child gets on really well with my friend and the ex it would seem is less than impressed.
The 2 women have never met .
However the child this weekend has disclosed what her 'mummy' has been saying about her and that she has been told she mustn't like her because she has done a number of bad things which has naturally made the child anxious and confused etc
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Friends BF and his ex have a child. She is 5 . They have the child most every other weekend. Child gets on really well with my friend and the ex it would seem is less than impressed.
The 2 women have never met .
However the child this weekend has disclosed what her 'mummy' has been saying about her and that she has been told she mustn't like her because she has done a number of bad things which has naturally made the child anxious and confused etc
Is that IT? ::)
Usual 'primary school' name calling shite in essence. Just jelousy.
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Sorry Growler but that sort of thing is seriously bad. You should never speak ill of your ex's partner to the children.
(I do refer to my ex's husband as the "evil stepdad" but that is in jest.)
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Essentially that is it with a bit more chucked in but friend is a social worker so had composed this text 'formalising' all the stuff she was doing wrong as a parent in social worker speak .... eeek: eeek: eeek:
I simply suggested this was completely inappropriate - and that this wasn't about child protection crap but indeed the jealousy and spite and she needed to be above responding in the way that she was and find a more concillatory way for the sake of the child.
That didn't go down well either noooo:
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Sorry Growler but that sort of thing is seriously bad. You should never speak ill of your ex's partner to the children.
(I do refer to my ex's husband as the "evil stepdad" but that is in jest.)
Oh yes, bad indeed, but very common trying to poison the minds of the kids that are left to wonder wtf is going on?
I wasn't suggesting that it was reasonable or acceptable. I had it myself back in the late 70's with Mrs G mk1 cussing:
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I advised my children not to accept apples from old ladies ~ they got the point.
But in serious mode The name calling by an ex and telling a child things like this is typical of the "woman scorned". She may not have been scorned but she feels now that she has as she can't abide the thought that her ex's new partner is getting on well with her child. It is fear that is the root of her problem together with whipping herself into a frenzy of unwarranted jealousy. She is no doubt telling anyone who will listen how easy it is for the "new" gf to buy her daughter's affection at the weekends but how she (the REAL mother) has all the hassle of snotty noses, washing & ironing, waking up in the night, taking the child to and from school etc etc etc AND ALL ON A LIMITED INCOME because her bloody father would rather spend his money on some floozy without encumbrances ................. and so it will go on.
The only person to deal with this is the father ~ not his new partner ..... whether your friend likes it or not. By making direct contact and having a go at the mother she will make matters far worse and ultimately it may well cost her the relationship.
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I advised my children not to accept apples from old ladies ~ they got the point.
But in serious mode The name calling by an ex and telling a child things like this is typical of the "woman scorned". She may not have been scorned but she feels now that she has as she can't abide the thought that her ex's new partner is getting on well with her child. It is fear that is the root of her problem together with whipping herself into a frenzy of unwarranted jealousy. She is no doubt telling anyone who will listen how easy it is for the "new" gf to buy her daughter's affection at the weekends but how she (the REAL mother) has all the hassle of snotty noses, washing & ironing, waking up in the night, taking the child to and from school etc etc etc AND ALL ON A LIMITED INCOME because her bloody father would rather spend his money on some floozy without encumbrances ................. and so it will go on.
The only person to deal with this is the father ~ not his new partner ..... whether your friend likes it or not. By making direct contact and having a go at the mother she will make matters far worse and ultimately it may well cost her the relationship.
Wot he said.