The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on May 08, 2009, 10:54:05 AM
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As previously reported I detest Scotland. evil:
I spent an unpleasant holiday there in 1968 and made the mistake of returning in 1986 when I was shouted at by religious nutters (daily through my letter box), treated appallingly in restaurants and had my car tyres bitten by dogs.
There are too many effing Scots here buggering things up (Gordo for starters and many of his cronies)
The bastards get too much of our tax money.
Even the Romans, who managed to conquer most of the known world, recognised Scottish awfulness and just built a wall round it to keep the bastards in evil:
ANd lo, my new contract requires me to go to this frightful pit of a country repeatedly for about 4 years, starting on Monday.
I shall post unbiassed and objective bulletins of my experiences. angel1 It is all going to be frightful. noooo:
First stop: Glasgow evil:
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As someone else on here often comments:
Popcorn:
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Well I have already had an argument with my hotel in Glasgow and I haven't even got there yet evil:
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You could have said "No Thank You" to the contract whistle:
Self inflicted wounds earn no medals around here.
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Guaranteed work until 2012 at £500 a day plus expenses? Say no!!
The hound is barking!
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A man on a train sees a pretty girl. He leans across and says "If I gave you a thousand pounds would you let me kiss you?"
"A thousand pounds ~ why yes I would" replies the girl
"If I gave you 50pence would you let me fuck you?" the man asked
"What sort of a girl do you take me for" the young lady shouted
"We have already established that" replied the man "We are now negotiating the price"
Seems that no matter how strongly you feel about Scotland and the Scots you can be bought if the price is right.
Tell me ~ how is that so different from the way the MPs are grabbing whatever they can from the taxpayer?
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The contract is funded via the Scottish Government eveilgrin:
I am liberating some of our tax money eveilgrin:
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Well is that not what hounds do?
Look at it this way, it may indeed be a cesspit but is it more of an irritation than being at home?
There are times when I'd rather be in the nineth cirlce of hell than at home!
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The contract is funded via the Scottish Government eveilgrin:
I am liberating some of our tax money eveilgrin:
Thanks ~ I'll let you know where to send my share.
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Well, it should be an interesting challenge; they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or words to that effect whistle:
I've only turned down a couple of contracts in my time; one was clearly a criminal venture and the other looked like it might seriously damage my mental health. eeek:
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Well is that not what hounds do?
Look at it this way, it may indeed be a cesspit but is it more of an irritation than being at home?
There are times when I'd rather be in the nineth cirlce of hell than at home!
Being away from home at present is one of the better aspects of this task! evil:
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Well, it should be an interesting challenge; they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or words to that effect whistle:
I've only turned down a couple of contracts in my time; one was clearly a criminal venture and the other looked like it might seriously damage my mental health. eeek:
I did one a year or so ago that actually did damage my mental health. The (London) outfit who are running this one are quite nice people. Lancaster University, who also seem to have a hand in it, are, on the other hand, arseholes. evil:
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Guaranteed work until 2012 at £500 a day plus expenses? Say no!!
The hound is barking!
Expenses like train fares? Will you be telling them about the cash back deal and reducing your claim accordingly or simply charging them the advertised train fare? whistle:
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I see the hound has his teeth in today. Good point. I must think about that. rubschin:
I have thought about it. I shall keep the cashback! eveilgrin:
I spent £800 on flghts and hotels off my own credit card. The bastards have not yet reimbursed me evil:
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I was going to say that Snoopy has Nick on the ropes but it now looks like a self-inflicted knockout. ;)
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evil:
ANd I haven't even got to effing Scotland yet! evil:
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And it ain't that bloody simple either. The fees and expenses on my Iran trip took ages to come through and I had to factor in exchange rates, commission on currency, and interest on the credit card because of the time they took to pay evil:
Oh yes, and not to mention the effiing bank taking their cut for processing the credit evil:
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I went to Scotland once! Every bugger thinks they are William Wallace, and the blokes are bloody nutters too
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rubschin:
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Stop your fuckin' moanin' mouse.
For £500 A DAY, GULP eeek: I'd go and work in hell and eat raw turds for breakfast dinner and tea.
Look on the bright side. 4 days work and you'll be able to go out and buy another stinking rancid shitty flea ridden Afgahanistanian rug to match that rag you've already got. ::)
Don't you ever cry poverty in my midst btw.
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The Users Guide to Scotland ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_M0pkJmac0&feature=channel_page
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Excellent!! bom
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And it ain't that bloody simple either. The fees and expenses on my Iran trip took ages to come through and I had to factor in exchange rates, commission on currency, and interest on the credit card because of the time they took to pay evil:
Oh yes, and not to mention the effiing bank taking their cut for processing the credit evil:
But all chargeable to the client PLUS interest, covering the period between outlay and reimbursement, under the general heading of "Disbursements" and as such not liable to tax.
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I'd go and work in hell and eat raw turds for breakfast dinner and tea.
Barrow eh?
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I'd go and work in hell and eat raw turds for breakfast dinner and tea.
Barrow eh?
lol: lol: lol:
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A new and linguistically challenged Nick delivers his first report from North of the Border... whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg218.imageshack.us%2Fimg218%2F3514%2Fcharrab.jpg&hash=3f2fe1dd45db6b010c98d01ba6a57b378fa30ea5) (http://img218.imageshack.us/my.php?image=charrab.jpg)
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Is he going to be wearing a skirt whistle:
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Sources declined to comment scared2:
I imagine he's fraternising with the locals to lubricate the wheels of business whistle:
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Getting rat arsed and talking bollocks then lol:
Hope he's got his wife beaters white vest on ...he will want to blend in whistle:
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Getting rat arsed and talking bollocks then lol:
Hope he's got his wife beaters white vest on ...he will want to blend in whistle:
Hopefully not standing outside a pub having a smoke wearing orange.... whistle:
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Whatever he is doing he is not sending in his reports in a timely fashion. ~ Sack 'im! evil:
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The M 8 has been reopened near Glasgow after an early morning incident on the Kingston Bridge closed the motorway in both directions for over two hours.
The bridge was shut by police and emergency services about 0400 BST this morning
The complete shutdown which caused some early morning traffic delays lasted until about 0645 BST.
Traffic was diverted onto other routes for the duration of the closure which was not expected to affect rush hour
Oh dear ...was he wondering on the motorway in a drunken state again...ranting and raving about drivers whistle:
Must have been a good night 8)
He was probably telling his best Scottish jokes such as :
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding...
'Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organised already, the flowers,
the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed smart in that!"
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white...
noooo:
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The M 8 has been reopened near Glasgow after an early morning incident on the Kingston Bridge closed the motorway in both directions for over two hours.
The bridge was shut by police and emergency services about 0400 BST this morning
The complete shutdown which caused some early morning traffic delays lasted until about 0645 BST.
Traffic was diverted onto other routes for the duration of the closure which was not expected to affect rush hour
Oh dear ...was he wondering on the motorway in a drunken state again...ranting and raving about drivers whistle:
Must have been a good night 8)
He was probably telling his best Scottish jokes such as :
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding...
'Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organised already, the flowers,
the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continued Jock
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed smart in that!"
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white...
noooo:
Proof positive that the old ones are not the best. noooo:
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Soooooooooooooooooo we're waiting to hear all about it ???
Popcorn:
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His client took him out for a drink and he's woken up with the Scottish flag tattooed on his arse. whistle:
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His client took him out for a drink and he's woken up with a Scottish fag tattooed on his arse. whistle:
eeek:
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Its simple Miss D, just think of the daftest most implausible thing that could occur and odds are Nick will be on here telling us it happened to him. point:
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A report will follow. WHat kind of hotel supplies a putter, golf ball and artificial golf hole thingy IN YOUR BEDROOM!!??
Still, the free Talisker was welcome in my private sauna
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This is all on expenses is it rubschin:
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A report will follow. WHat kind of hotel supplies a putter, golf ball and artificial golf hole thingy IN YOUR BEDROOM!!??
Still, the free Talisker was welcome in my private sauna
Did you sink your balls, then? Popcorn:
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This is all on expenses is it
Oh yes cloud9:
http://www.hotelduvin.com/glasgow/ (http://www.hotelduvin.com/glasgow/) cloud9:
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A report will follow. WHat kind of hotel supplies a putter, golf ball and artificial golf hole thingy IN YOUR BEDROOM!!??
Still, the free Talisker was welcome in my private sauna
cloud9:
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A report will follow. WHat kind of hotel supplies a putter, golf ball and artificial golf hole thingy IN YOUR BEDROOM!!??
Still, the free Talisker was welcome in my private sauna
Nick ~ if they had supplied three naked blondes you would have wanted brunettes noooo:
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Oddly enough................. eveilgrin:
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Right.
1. Flight from Manchester OK, though a bit low as hairyplane had propellors. Pilot used Blackpool Tower as navigational aid.
2. Got sat next to wumman who looked like an East European lesbian. Plane was two thirds empty, so I said cheerily 'They seem to have squashed u stogether, but I will go and get a window seat in a minute.' SHe ignored me eeek:
Got up and moved, saying cheerily 'You can have these 2 seats to yerself now.' SHe ignored me again eeek:
3. Taxi queue at Glasgow airport. Large bunch of Rab C Nesbitt lookalikes in front of me. ONe turns ans bellows, 'Are ye gan toot cloob?' I peer at them quizically. He says it again, but louder. His friend interprets. 'He says, are ye going to 't cloob?'
Me: 'WHat club?' They get in a taxi and leave.
I get in a taxi and get told off for not being in the queue by a man in a flour, floou, yellow jacket. Taxi driver has argument with him.
Hotel fine, though I do not avail myself of the golf equipment in the room rubschin:
Werk fine , like, although accents challenging. Occasionally resort to nods and smiles and encouraging hand gestures and pray that the tape might help me out later. (it hasn't evil:)
Lunch is supplied. I enquire what it is. 'Scotch Pie' (= minced sheep) with baked beans!
Manage to leave country safely. Next stop Inverness
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I flew to Inverness once. Highland cattle and a shed for arrivals eeek:
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Highland cattle? eeek: The shaggy sort?
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Highland cattle? eeek: The shaggy sort?
No, the ground crew sort... whistle:
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Highland cattle? eeek: The shaggy sort?
Indeed. Shaggy and horn-ed eeek:
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Sounds like an in-depth study you undertook there Pastis rubschin:
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I have the photos somewhere whistle:
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We call them "Trossachs" because every postcard anyone has ever sent us from their holidays in Scotland seem to be labelled "The Trossachs" and always have one of those hairy Scottish Cows in the picture. Therefore the children became convinced that the cows rather than the Hills were "The Trossachs"
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.frandihighlands.co.nz%2Fimages%2Ftrossachs_franchise.jpg&hash=01261c29583b9fe334960ee918504bd1616b807e)
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No, that's a picture of a Glaswegian lady with a new hairdo ::)
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No ~ this is a picture of a Scottish cow with a new hairdo.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2008%2F12%2F06%2Farticle-0-013E56B600000578-259_468x365.jpg&hash=a3a80a61a311b6f10bfe25d5db8d47e92c30b1aa)
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Hard to tell them apart. I realised in Glasgow that I got incensed by the accents because whenever I hear Scottish accents normally it is from Martin, Brown, Broon, Reid, McFall and the rest evil:
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Serious head < There are as many variants on the Scottish accent as there are on the English accent> end of serious mode
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We got longhorns in Surrey, just down the road from here, though not for much longer.
http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/99083_trust_plans_to_fence_off_most_of_heath_and_replace_cattle
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Serious head < There are as many variants on the Scottish accent as there are on the English accent> end of serious mode
I know. But they are all Scottish cussing:
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We got longhorns in Surrey, just down the road from here, though not for much longer.
http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/99083_trust_plans_to_fence_off_most_of_heath_and_replace_cattle
You will have to eat them. Make sure you FlyMo them first
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We got longhorns in Surrey, just down the road from here, though not for much longer.
http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/99083_trust_plans_to_fence_off_most_of_heath_and_replace_cattle
Grand wee beasties for keeping the gorse and heather under control. B@st@rd things will eat almost anything actually and can be left out in all weathers. Useful animal taken all in all. Taste good too.
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Serious head < There are as many variants on the Scottish accent as there are on the English accent> end of serious mode
I know. But they are all Scottish cussing:
TBH I have never had any problem understanding them ~ perhaps because my maternal Grandfather's family hailed from Inverness or perhaps because I met so many in the RAF. Like the Welsh they do have some ranting nationalists among them but the majority are pleasant enough people and they do make grand Chief Engineers ~ see any wartime movie involving ships and Star Trek of course.
What I dislike about Scotland is that it has always been so f*cking cold and wet whenever I have been there.
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We got longhorns in Surrey, just down the road from here, though not for much longer.
http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/99083_trust_plans_to_fence_off_most_of_heath_and_replace_cattle
Grand wee beasties for keeping the gorse and heather under control. B@st@rd things will eat almost anything actually and can be left out in all weathers. Useful animal taken all in all. Taste good too.
The same can be said of women whistle:
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noooo:
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My knowledge of Scottish geography is sketchy. I know I am flying to Glasgow on June 8th, so I booked the hotel I stayed in last time cloud9:
I now find I have to go to GREENOCK!! Looked at a map. eeek:
40 minute train ride at least, which means being on the train at about fooking 7.30 in the morning and then Greenock to fooking Edinburgh on the train later. Have you seen how far Edinburgh is from Greenock? Opposite fooking coast FFS Angry9:
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I am sure with your organisational skills it will all be fine cloud9:
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What could possibly go wrong?
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My knowledge of Scottish geography is sketchy. I know I am flying to Glasgow on June 8th, so I booked the hotel I stayed in last time cloud9:
I now find I have to go to GREENOCK!! Looked at a map. eeek:
40 minute train ride at least, which means being on the train at about fooking 7.30 in the morning and then Greenock to fooking Edinburgh on the train later. Have you seen how far Edinburgh is from Greenock? Opposite fooking coast FFS Angry9:
Why don't you just rent a car FFS?
Oh, of course... redface:
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Indeed Coast to Coast but then Scotland is not very wide at that point.
Greenock to Edinburgh is about 70 miles
Glasgow to Edinburgh is about 45 miles
Why not book into a hotel in Greenock and cancel the Glasgow booking then you would not have to start out from the wrong place? angel1
SWWLTBO grew up in Dunblane (See Stirling on the map) and knows Scotland well ~ you could always ask. whistle:
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Booking in Glasgow is non-refundable cussing:
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Well what a tit you are then! point:
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evil:
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Well what a tit you are then! point:
Snoopy's sympathy teachings - a masterclass lol:
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Booking in Glasgow is non-refundable cussing:
You bought the cheapest non-refundable ticket yet are charging the client the most expensive business class air fare...? rubschin:
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No you idiot, the cheapo hotel booking is non refundable!! Angry9:
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My knowledge of Scottish geography is sketchy. I know I am flying to Glasgow on June 8th, so I booked the hotel I stayed in last time cloud9:
I now find I have to go to GREENOCK!! Looked at a map. eeek:
40 minute train ride at least, which means being on the train at about fooking 7.30 in the morning and then Greenock to fooking Edinburgh on the train later. Have you seen how far Edinburgh is from Greenock? Opposite fooking coast FFS Angry9:
Why don't you just rent a car FFS?
Oh, of course... redface:
Bastardo evil:
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My knowledge of Scottish geography is sketchy. I know I am flying to Glasgow on June 8th, so I booked the hotel I stayed in last time cloud9:
I now find I have to go to GREENOCK!! Looked at a map. eeek:
40 minute train ride at least, which means being on the train at about fooking 7.30 in the morning and then Greenock to fooking Edinburgh on the train later. Have you seen how far Edinburgh is from Greenock? Opposite fooking coast FFS Angry9:
Why don't you just rent a car FFS?
Oh, of course... redface:
Bastardo evil:
redface:
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I am deffo bringing my magic tricks to your party now eveilgrin:
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I am deffo bringing my magic tricks to your party now eveilgrin:
Excellent! eveilgrin:
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There is one where I make a man disappear
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There is one where I make a man disappear
rubschin:
TMR?
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Usually the party host. It gets a big laugh, especially when I shout 'Free drinks from now on' after he vanishes
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Usually the party host. It gets a big laugh, especially when I shout 'Free drinks from now on' after he vanishes
rubschin:
I think we should see how 'Saw the lady in half' goes first... whistle:
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I think I might start off with this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHYnahPkJI8&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHYnahPkJI8&feature=related)
GOS may have to help
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Anyhoo. Inverness tomorrow till Wednesday. Full report then evil:
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I'll look at this from time to time ~ give us a wave ~ full hand, not two fingers.
http://www.streamdays.com/camera/view/scotland-highlands-inverness-castle
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Inverness is a great place - the real 'in' place to be - a busy, modern, vibrant city with a real buzz.
An 'in' place to be? What decade are they in?
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Actually it is very nice ~ the weather could be better a lot of the time but the people are quite ............ errrrrr....... normal compared to some I know.
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Nick's very quiet ~ do you suppose he's missed Scotland and ended up somewhere else?
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Nick's very quiet ~ do you suppose he's missed Scotland and ended up somewhere else?
Probably on a doomed search for the other three-and-twenty virgins. noooo:
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Nick's very quiet ~ do you suppose he's missed Scotland and ended up somewhere else?
Probably on a doomed search for the other three-and-twenty virgins. noooo:
lol:
He's only fifteen minutes away from my son, and believe me fifteen miles away that far North, is the equivalent to right next door to, he could go and visit in my place like, say hello and have some nice tea and deep fried haggis. whistle:
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So no news yet then .......
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There is one where I make a man disappear
rubschin:
TMR?
I am not sure I appreciate your tone!
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THAT WAS THE WORST HOTEL I HAVE EVER STAYED IN evil:
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THAT WAS THE WORST HOTEL I HAVE EVER STAYED IN evil:
Popcorn:
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1. Sign in toilets. 'We apologise for the vandalism in these toilets'
The sign in question was signwritten and screwed to the wall behind a sheet of perspex!!
2. Overflow thingy in washbasin. NOt connnected to anything. Shoes full of water.
More later!! And remind me to tell you about Captain Ronald McDonald evil:
And the crowd of tattooed gingers in that pub scared2:
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3. Pilot on the way up was a 'funny man'
'we are now approaching Edinburgh. Those of you on the right side may wish to admire the excellent view of the IKEA FUrniture Warehouse. Ha ha ha.'
noooo:
'We are about to fly over my house. I shall check to see if the kids are washing my car. If not I may circle and get you all to shout. Ha ha ha.'
SHUT UP AND FLY THE FOOKING PLANE! cussing:
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Did you book the hotel????
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YES evil:
4. Remove plug from bath and admire fountain of bathwater emerging from washbasin eeek:
5. Open room window (frosted glass noooo:) and glimpse World of Pigeons evil:
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6. Instructed in hotel restaurant during dinner to 'ignore' deafening fire alarm and smoke emerging from kitchen. 'There is nothing to be concerned about' rubschin:
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You didn't order the Waldorf salad as well did you lol: lol: lol:
Welcome back home anyway - we missed you
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Let's face it ~ you were determined not to like it before you set out. noooo:
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Of course it's an awful place. Effing kilt makers and haggis and suchshite. And gingers!! sick2:
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Nice looking pub by the river on Monday evening. Pop in. Guy at bar. Accent (that sort). Bright red. SHaven head. Tattoos. Shell suit. 'AREYOOOOOOOOOOOINGLEESH?'
Me: Yes (small smile) scared2:
IT'S THE FOOKING MATCH, UNNNNNERJNANTEENS V INGLAND AT BLACKBURN AND MY NEPHOOOOO IS PLAYEN ADN WE WILLAVE YER SKINS.
Me: Yes (small smile) scared2:
Several more tattoed Gingers arrive scared2:
INNNNNNNGLISH HERE point:
They become 'intimate'
I flee.
Landlord follows me yelling, 'BUT YERVE NOT FINNISSSSSSHED YER PINT......'
Cheery wave goodbye scared2: and quicken step
Then accosted by some bastard in a fooking kilt!! Shop: 'Freshly Caught Haggis Here' Idiots!! evil:
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They become 'intimate'
eeek:
I'm assuming that just lying there thinking of England wasn't an option whistle:
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Scum... noooo:
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They become 'intimate'
eeek:
I'm assuming that just lying there thinking of England wasn't an option whistle:
No, I ran away. That was sensible. angel1
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7.
Queen Victoria came for our opening in 1854. She would still recognise many of the original features today.
TOO RIGHT! My bathroom perhaps?
8. Our main staircase was the model for that of the ballroom in the Titanic!
Why am I not surprised? rubschin:
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And you're going back of course?
scared:
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Greenock next week evil:
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You could have said "No Thank You" to the contract whistle:
Self inflicted wounds earn no medals around here.
Guaranteed work until 2012 at £500 a day plus expenses? Say no!!
The hound is barking!
whistle:
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evil:
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evil:
Spend it wisely... ;)
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Aye ~ Buy a kilt!
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Or a hoooge haggis noooo:
They had all sorts of stuff at breakfast that I didn't even recognise. I got one thing that I thought was fried bread, but it turned out to be a sort of flat sausage rubschin:
On the flight back we were offered porridge noooo:
Oh, and they had one of those toast making machines with the moving track thingy. I put a slice of bread in and it never came out eeek:
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Or a hoooge haggis noooo:
They had all sorts of stuff at breakfast that I didn't even recognise. I got one thing that I thought was fried bread, but it turned out to be a sort of flat sausage rubschin:
On the flight back we were offered porridge noooo:
Oh, and they had one of those toast making machines with the moving track thingy. I put a slice of bread in and it never came out eeek:
That made me larf! lol:
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It is known as "Breakfast Sausage" in some places but correctly it is "Lorne Sausage"
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Featscotland.visitscotland.com%2FRepository%2Fuserfiles%2FLorne%2520Sausage.jpg&hash=984ce7cbeb796564c4c8dcc66c40d353b1d1d521)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mmfoodsalcudia.co.uk%2FImages%2FMeat%2FScottish.jpg&hash=b1b430d599fdbcac00a10f9543bad1428ee4a946)
My boys love it!
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Right. Glasgow, Greenock and Edinburgh starting tomorrow evil:
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Right. Glasgow, Greenock and Edinburgh starting tomorrow evil:
Have a good trip - we'll look after your karma while you are away... whistle:
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evil:
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Take your face mask as well eeek:
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I see I have earned 6 FlyBe points. This will entitle me to 'one free flight' (as long as I pay the tax and stuff. Well since the flight only costs about 60p and the taxes are about £90 ( evil:) it ain't much of a reward evil:
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You will, being so pure, be declaring this reward when you claim your expenses of course. whistle:
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rubschin:
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3 days without a post....when do we call out the search party rubschin:
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Perhaps he's done a Reggie Perrin .. eeek: Either that or a surfeit of neeps has laid him low rubschin:
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He seems to forget all about his friends when he is having a wild time in Scotland.
I wonder why he titled the thread "Nick's all new Bulletins from Scotland thread"
"Nick's all new Bulletins from Scotland thread posted after the event" would perhaps have been better
But for accuracy
"Nick's moans about having been to Scotland"
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A fair reflection.
He's probably too busy with his new friends to even give us a second thought sad24:
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P'raps we need to get in some bagpipes. All wear ginger wigs and speak in an unintelligible accent, say "See you Jimmy" a lot.
DS could supply the Neeps.
Make the lad feel welcome like.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.static.flickr.com%2F3220%2F2707582463_fe5223d4b6.jpg%3Fv%3D0&hash=dd99db1793a77f3c664a2ff14508820b68b62005)
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I'll bring the Tizer lol:
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I have brought back a present for Mrs Nick and the Boy angel1
I am sure it will be appreciated angel1
It is an haggis eveilgrin:
-
I am sure that they are just delighted by the fact that you are home . No need to bring pressies - especially when it is haggis sick2:
-
FUll report on Scottish idiocy later
-
I don't do haggis. The humiliation of the haggis bird story stills hangs over me like a cloak of darkness. noooo:
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Popcorn:
-
FUll report on Scottish idiocy later
LATER?
That's nbg, we have been sat waiting to hear the live, up to the minute, as it happens experiences ~ not some regurgitated memories. For the memories we are happy to wait for the film to come out or at least the autobiog.
-
Right
1. Numpty at Glasgow Airport (met him last time).
There is a taxi rank outside arrivals. You join the queue and then when it's your turn you get in the front taxi. Simples.
Not at Glasgow Airport noooo:
There is a taxi queue supervisor in a high vis waistcoat. There being no queue I headed for the front taxi. He stops me.
'You are not in the queue'
What queue?
'Well get in that taxi then'
I was going to! evil:
'Where are you going?'
Why do you want to know?
'Just tell me!'
So I tell him and he tells the cabby whacky115
I ask the driver WTF that was about.
He needs to know you are really going somewhere or he fines me eeek:
Why the fook would I be getting into a taxi at an airport if I didn't want to go somewhere? rubschin:
2. Go to Edinburgh on Tuesday afternoon. Am booked into serviced apartment cloud9:
Go to address which is about 5 mins walk from Waverley station. Ginger on reception says, 'Ah, Mr Nick. Welcome. Sign this please.'
I sign and he gives me the key. So far so good.
'And here is your map.'
MAP? eeek:
Why do I need a map?
To find the apartment.
But I am here. Look.
But the apartment isn't. It's 2 fooking miles away!! cussing:
3. Get taxi from reception to accommodation
Driver drops me at the end of a very narrow alley and indicates that flat is along there and into a courtyard.
Off I go. Sound of children's voices from courtyard. Courtyard is quite dark. Children are accompanied by two men dressed as vampires on some sort of ghosts and ghouls walking tour. I appera round a corner dressed entirely in black and wearing shades. Children become hysterical and start screaming eeek:
4. Head off to meeting in some suburb of Edinburgh. Arrive at station and call taxi. Station has 2 platforms and 2 exits. Cab arrives at exit to platform opposite mine. Cab driver and I have conversation across tracks.
'I will come over to you, or do you want to come over here?'
That would be tricky he replees rubschin: I suggest you call another taxi confused:
Turns out that to get from one platform to the other involves a 6 mile drive on account of roadworks.
But I am talking to you. This is idiotic. He agrees and drives off Banghead
I call another taxi noooo:
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Thanks! cloud9: So good to see that the land of my Great Grandfather is treating you in the manner you expect
O flower of Scotland
When will we see
Your like again
That fought and died for
Your wee bit hill and glen
And stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
The hills are bare now
And autumn leaves lie thick and still
O'er land that is lost now
Which those so dearly held
And stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
Those days are passed now
And in the past they must remain
But we can still rise now
And be the nation again
And stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
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Statistically there are more Scots who don't live in Scotland than those that do. A hooooge portion of the population are from England.
Perhaps it is something in the water. whistle:
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Wouldn't it have been cheaper and less stressful to hire a driver for a couple of days - and claim it back on expenses of course whistle:
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I have to sort out all my receipts later. Have thousands of the buggers, it seems sad24:
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I'm sure The Boy can help you....he is good with accounts whistle:
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Mrs TMR (to be) starts an 8 week contract job on Monday. In Edinburgh. She has "persuaded" me to go with her for the first week evil:
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Edinburgh is tolerable (as Scotland goes) evil:
I found a decent pub near the middle called the Abbotsford whistle:
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Do they have the interweb up there?
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Only in Gaelic
I thought I was joking! eeek:
http://www.google.com/intl/gd/ (http://www.google.com/intl/gd/)
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Can you get a signal on your Orange mobile up there...? rubschin:
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I believe you are thinking of Northern ireland ::)
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I believe you are thinking of Northern ireland ::)
Christ no! They are extremely sensitive about it up there too... I used to do a lot of werk for a major manufacturer in the area and spent a lot of time in Edinburgh... noooo:
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So I shouldn't have told that Ian Paisley joke then rubschin:
Damn!
-
So I shouldn't have told that Ian Paisley joke then rubschin:
Damn!
Try wearing an orange shirt or jacket next week... whistle:
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Why? I'm going to London whacky115
-
redface:
-
I apper around a corner dressed entirely in black and wearing shades. Children become hysterical and start screaming eeek:
Isnt that the normal reaction to your appearance, whatever you are wearing at the time? whistle:
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Gatwick Airport is bleedin' mobbed :-(
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And the 'kin flight is delayed. Bastard Sleazy Jet.
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Have you managed to get through security yet? Did your trousers fall down? eveilgrin:
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I sailed straight through security. Mrs TMR2B got stopped :-)
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What did they take off her?
-
What did they take off her?
TMR whistle:
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Nah, i bet they are tucked up in bed now. Full of haggis and suchlike and planning to dye their hair ginger to blend in
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Finally arrived. Tonight we are staying in the only hotel that was available. It is, to be frank, horrible. The natives in the bar all went quiet when we walked in - a real "American Werewolf in London" moment. Most of the natives in the bar appear to have some sort of physical impairment. And it's Karaoke night. Not good.
-
So where are you staying the rest of the week? Cardboard boxes scared2:
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A nicer hotel. A lot nicer. Mrs TMR (to be) has sorted a lovely one out.
And the beer just has to be better than in this place. There is a sign up in the bar saying "No Sectarian Singing", so I shall refrain from the "Could you use a chicken supper Bobby Sands" ditty...
There is a disabled (mentally) fat woman sitting beside us and she is humming and stroking herself. A total fruit-loop.
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Welcome to Scotty Land!
Have you ever checked this site?
http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ (http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/)
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I have, Mrs TMR2B doesn't...
We are the only people staying in the hotel...
-
Subtle enquiries reveal it is a staunch "Bluenose" pub/hotel. Time to get my tin whistle out ;-)
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I used to stay in that place next to the zoo like...
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We are not actually in Edinburgh, but Dunfirmline.
Breakfast time...
-
Avoid the flat sausages scared2:
-
I used to stay in that place next to the zoo like...
What - the one that contained the holding pens rubschin:
-
I am sure that TMR will be a wonderful advertisement for all that is English.
Once he gets over the language, funny money and beer that is.
-
I wonder what he will do all day whilst Mrs TMR2B is werking? whistle:
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I wonder what he will do all day whilst Mrs TMR2B is werking? whistle:
Go to the zoo...? rubschin:
-
All day every day?
From what he was saying he could just wander about and look at the natives. It's cheaper (though more dangerous)
-
All day every day?
From what he was saying he could just wander about and look at the natives. It's cheaper (though more dangerous)
rubschin:
The pubs are open all day aren't they? He could have a few pints of Heavy...
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All day and every day?
He could stay in and read some improving poetry instead
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Daddy's taking us to the zoo tomorrow,
Zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow;
Daddy's taking us to the zoo tomorrow,
We can stay all day.
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Watch at your peril!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daEocG2dKCU&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daEocG2dKCU&feature=related)
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Not at my peril but at my home. (blank at work)
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We are the only people staying in the hotel...
scared2:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dunhamstudios.com%2Fimages%2Fcitigroup%2Fbatesmotel.jpg&hash=5ae9ee54c6ea8d5f0048dd3b81202028de20c1d8)
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Not at my peril but at my home. (blank at work)
Mike Leigh rools, OK?
-
Nuts in May?
-
The hotel does look a bit like that, Snoops eeek:
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Yes, the Zoo Song noooo:
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The sun is now shining in East Porridge-Wogland and I have read the newspapers, done the crosswords and Sudokus and now I am typing this. Praise be to the Orange dongle. Mrs TMRBB is werking "compacted hours" so that we can leave early on Friday. This does, of course, mean that I am somewhat unable to imbibe as I am the only one insured to drive the horrid hire car and I have to pick her up from the office. cry:
The little town we are in, just outside Dunfirmline has: 1 pub (we are in it), 1 bookies, 1 Funeral Directors, 3 take-away shops, 1 newsagent, 2 banks/Building Societies, 1 cafe, 1 hairdresser and 1 mini-market type thing.
I am now sitting in the room, listening to women grunt on BBC1.
Tomorrow we move to a "better" hotel...
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Orange! scared2:
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Orange! scared2:
My brief walk around the asylum revealed 14 Rangers shirts being worn. 2 Hearts and 1 Hibs. I think the Orange connection holds no fear for me here!
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Holy mother of fuck, I have never seen so many inbreds. It's like something out of "The Hills Have Eyes".
-
Holy mother of fuck, I have never seen so many inbreds. It's like something out of "The Hills Have Eyes".
Be careful! scared2:
-
whistle:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tqxzWdKKu8
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Perhaps saying "Andy Murray is a bit of a twat" wasn't the wisest thing to do...
-
It's a good job you've already had the snip lol:
-
The natives in the pub - those who can actually speak - asked if I drank whisky. I told them I can only drink whiskey. Silence ensued.
-
The natives in the pub - those who can actually speak - asked if I drank whisky. I told them I can only drink whiskey. Silence ensued.
noooo:
It will end in tears for sure...
-
The natives in the pub - those who can actually speak - asked if I drank whisky. I told them I can only drink whiskey. Silence ensued.
Ask for a posh cocktail.
Irn Bru and surgical spirit.
-
Perhaps saying "Andy Murray is a bit of a twat" wasn't the wisest thing to do...
Maybe not wise but true ~ Mrs S#2 was at school with his mother ~ says she was/is a right cow. Seems she received a wild card to Wimbledon as a Junior (age 17) and got beaten in the first round on an outside court with an audience of about five. Mrs S#2 says that ever since she has channelled all her energies into gaining fame and has used her children to fulfil her own ambitions. Not a popular lady in this household as you may gather.
-
Hotel #2 now. A lot better, but isolated so I'm pretty much stuck here.
Oh, and ladies - a quick question, if going away for 5 FUCKING DAYS, why is there the need to pack enough clothes for a bleedin' fortnight? cussing:
-
1) nice to have a choice
2) weather is changable
3) you might break the habit of a lifetime and take us somewhere posh
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1) nice to have a choice
2) weather is changable
3) you might break the habit of a lifetime and take us somewhere posh
1) She's werking, like - 5 business suits is fine, but why the need for 10 other changes when she doesn't finish until 6pm and then just wants food, a few drinks and schluffy-byes?
2) Not in an air-conditioned office it isn't
3) SHE brought ME here cussing:
-
The sun has finally made an appearance. Why did I bring sunglasses? noooo:
Still, it has to be said the view of the Forth Road Bridge and the Estuary are quite spectacular. Guinness is ?3.50 in this place, robbing bastards noooo:
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Wenchy we do try and educate these blokeys here but to no avail.....
It's simples - you just have to remember the 1 golden rule..... A GIRL NEEDS OPTIONS
That can be applied to any or all situations cloud9:
-
The sun has finally made an appearance. Why did I bring sunglasses? noooo:
Still, it has to be said the view of the Forth Road Bridge and the Estuary are quite spectacular. Guinness is ?3.50 in this place, robbing bastards noooo:
Isn't it the rail bridge which is spectacular like...? whistle:
-
The sun has finally made an appearance. Why did I bring sunglasses? noooo:
Still, it has to be said the view of the Forth Road Bridge and the Estuary are quite spectacular. Guinness is ?3.50 in this place, robbing bastards noooo:
Isn't it the rail bridge which is spectacular like...? whistle:
Well the road bridge isn't exactly a nail either, so button it chrome-dome!
-
With the bucket he's currently "zinc-dome" ;)
-
Holey zinc-dome in fact ;)
-
as Robin might say to Batman.
-
After a whole thirty minutes, the sun has now fucked off behind the cloud and the sea mist is starting to roll in..
I was updating my blog a few minutes ago, with some complimentary and some not-so complimentary comments about the mongnatives and didn't realise the Maitre D' was standing right behind me and would have had full view scared2:
We're eating here tonight, I hope he sees the funny side of it...
scared2:
-
Blog?
-
Blog?
I discovered it! whistle:
-
Blog?
It helps us unemployeds pass the time... whistle:
-
The sun has finally made an appearance. Why did I bring sunglasses? noooo:
Still, it has to be said the view of the Forth Road Bridge and the Estuary are quite spectacular. Guinness is ?3.50 in this place, robbing bastards noooo:
Isn't it the rail bridge which is spectacular like...? whistle:
Well the road bridge isn't exactly a nail either, so button it chrome-dome!
Admit it, you made a mistake... point:
Easy to see how... in the fog like... whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.undiscoveredscotland.co.uk%2Fqueensferry%2Fforthroadbridge%2Fimages%2Fbridge-450.jpg&hash=8ecfdee47f7557a51bc8049b4fa5ea0c43e65d51)
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Blog?
I discovered it! whistle:
Popcorn:
-
Blog?
I discovered it! whistle:
Popcorn:
Actually, Old Holborn gave it away... redface:
-
Funnily enough, looking at the cars going over it - as I had to to get here in the first place - I realised that I was looking at the ROAD bridge. And I know that the RAIL bridge is supposedly better but I couldn't see it because of the fog.
Thus, in my post, I wrote ROAD bridge. Cappiche, nincompoop?!
-
Funnily enough, looking at the cars going over it - as I had to to get here in the first place - I realised that I was looking at the ROAD bridge. And I know that the RAIL bridge is supposedly better but I couldn't see it because of the fog.
Thus, in my post, I wrote ROAD bridge. Cappiche, nincompoop?!
Well, you would say that wouldn't you...? ::)
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Now, TMR cab services has to go and retrieve MrsTMR2BB from her place of werk.
THEN, I can have another beer evil:
-
I asked the barman here what whiskey he recommends, since they don't have Black Bush.
His answer...Talisker...
-
You made sure he heard the e in whiskey I take it? whistle:
-
Of course. He looked straight through me like a cow chewing the cud...
-
http://bobsworthindustries.com/keyboardcat/index.php?id=asztvjh_WTM&start=50 (http://bobsworthindustries.com/keyboardcat/index.php?id=asztvjh_WTM&start=50)
-
Of course. He looked straight through me like a cow chewing the cud...
Disturbing rubschin:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg26.imageshack.us%2Fimg26%2F537%2F69722369.th.jpg&hash=c18f3f456f7fa20281e77fbb66f80e55b489b9b0) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=PqcD96i)
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Dinner was very nice, apart from a bit of mouldy garlic bread evil:
A subtle word relaying this fact led to a tenner off the bill and a free drink for the pair of us - large red wines are now with us and the Maitre D' has kicked up a huge fuss with the kitchen. He seems a good chap and hopefully Mrs TMRBB forthcoming 7 weeks up here will go swimmingly.
Out of the window I can see 2 Hares. You never have your .22 rifle when you need it, do you?
-
Are they ginger? scared2:
-
Are they ginger? scared2:
The Hares? Shrugs:
-
Are they ginger? scared2:
The cross hairs on a sight are black, Nick. Ok?
-
When is Mrs TMR2B going to actually becomes Mrs TMR?
-
When I'm good and ready. OK?
Prolly next year...
-
I'm hardly one to talk. Mr Wench isn't actually Mr Wench either. He is Mr Wench2B. I can't be arsed to organise a wedding. redface: All seems like a lot of hassle for a bit of paper that changes very little.
-
Agreed. But we do want to get wed - it's just always the last thing on the list - what with job-hunting and all that. She IS my angel and I adore her.
(Sorry if that brings out the puke buckets for some!)
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Agreed. But we do want to get wed - it's just always the last thing on the list - what with job-hunting and all that. She IS my angel and I adore her.
(Sorry if that brings out the puke buckets for some!)
Awwwwwww! What a sap! But lovely.
-
Agreed. But we do want to get wed - it's just always the last thing on the list - what with job-hunting and all that. She IS my angel and I adore her.
(Sorry if that brings out the puke buckets for some!)
sick2:
-
When is Mrs TMR2B going to actually becomes Mrs TMR?
::)
When Mrs. TMR2B says so silly!
-
I'm hardly one to talk. Mr Wench isn't actually Mr Wench either. He is Mr Wench2B. I can't be arsed to organise a wedding. redface: All seems like a lot of hassle for a bit of paper that changes very little.
You proposed to him at last!?
-
He proposed years ago!! When I eventually bullied him into it! ;)
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He proposed years ago!! When I eventually bullied him into it! ;)
Poor Mr. Wench.... noooo:
-
He proposed years ago!! When I eventually bullied him into it! ;)
Poor Mr. Wench.... noooo:
He's a very lucky boy! There aren't many who would put up with his Mother! His Brother has had more girlfriends than hot dinners and she is the number one reason!
-
When I'm good and ready. OK?
Prolly next year...
Didn't you say that last year?
Even the Black Shadow Man beat you to it.
-
When I'm good and ready. OK?
Prolly next year...
Didn't you say that last year?
Even the Black Shadow Man beat you to it.
Is Mrs TMR2B dragging her feet? rubschin:
-
When I'm good and ready. OK?
Prolly next year...
Didn't you say that last year?
Even the Black Shadow Man beat you to it.
Is Mrs TMR2B dragging her feet? rubschin:
No, TMR is dragging his knuckles! point:
-
So, yesterday Mrs TMRBB sends me a diktat stating she needs a new nail buffer ( whacky115), to which I reply, "yes of course dear, I shall drive to the nearest hint of civilisation and purchase said bit of sandpaper."
So I drive to the first town we stayed in, as it had a chemist. It is CLOSED FOR LUNCH. BASTARDS! cussing:
No matter, I think, I'll pop in on the way to picking her up, as it stays open until 6. So I do that. They don't "do" nail buffers anymore and it's it pity I didn't come before the refurb as they had all that stuff before ( whacky115). "Is there anywhere nearby that would do them?", says me. "Oh, I'm not so sure - hang on a minute and I'll ring me niece for you, she'll know..." says Fife Robertson's wife. "No, really, it isn't that important" says me as I scuttle out of the place.
I walk to the pedestrian crossing and the lights are just changing back from red to flashing amber, so I assume the car coming left to right is going to pull off. It doesn't. The lights are green. Ten seconds later, the lights are still green and the car hasn't moved. What to do? Is he being uber polite as he is just smiling at me, or is he going to flatten me if I try to cross.
The answer reveals itself about five seconds later in the form of snoring...
I tentatively start crossing and another car pulls up behind sleeping bloke. An angry blast of the horn rouses sleeping bloke from his (drink induced?) snooze and he stares at me, then the green light and then floors it, missing me be just a few feet.
They are all, officially BONKERS up here.
I pick the missus up and she asks why I look so pale...and, "oh, don't worry about the nail buffer - I found it in my handbag eventually".
evil:
-
Why am I not surprised? whistle:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/scotland/5730557/Scots-using-chip-fat-instead-of-sun-cream.html (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/scotland/5730557/Scots-using-chip-fat-instead-of-sun-cream.html)
-
Edinburgh airport. Only another six hours until the flight :-(
-
You could buy some haggis!!
-
I shall endear myself to the natives by cheering for Roddick.
-
Look out for flaming vehicles entering the building...
-
I know Edinburgh airport. Get yer shoes shined by that bloke opposite the bar
-
Funny you should say that, BM, the "barricade" they have erected looks like it wouldn't withstand an agressively driven Smart Car :-/
-
Funny you should say that, BM, the "barricade" they have erected looks like it wouldn't withstand an agressively driven Smart Car :-/
Shite then... noooo:
-
My laughter at Murray losing the first set brought an eerie silence...
-
scared2:
-
Nothing would please me more than to see him go out in straight sets.
-
Nothing would please me more than to see her cloud9:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg196.imageshack.us%2Fimg196%2F1364%2F50271981.th.jpg&hash=353f3dbf4ca77357ef7371f4a518924be49fc6e8) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV5yq4r)
eveilgrin:
-
Nothing would please me more than to see him go out in straight sets.
Sorry noooo:
Nick will probably be disappointed as well.
-
sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32: sad32:
-
Perhaps saying "prolly for the best if he goes out now as Federer will kill him in straight sets anyway" was notthe best thing to say. We have moved seats to avoid the flying bottles.
-
Currently
Roddick 6 4 7 7
Murray 4 6 6 6
Live updates from Snoopyvision.
Oh I can't be arsed with this any longer ~ Murray is obviously being outplayed
-
And there ends the Scottish twat's big chance. What a loser.
Now wait for the excuses.
-
I may have mentioned out loud that the Scots should be used to losing by now...again, I did not receive a warm audience...
-
Cruel but accurate. They should be used to it by now. Tartan Tits! point:
-
spider: spider: spider: spider: spider:
-
Blame Brown - he wished him luck... noooo:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Forderorder.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F07%2Ftwitter-murray-curse.jpg%3Fw%3D480%26amp%3Bh%3D237&hash=25287a726e802a8728541c14d97ba9dcfe05c862)
point:
-
Curse again noooo:
-
Surrey cloud9:
-
= Young's noooo:
-
= Young's noooo:
2 hours and counting... cloud9:
-
Young's...lovely...
-
On yer own all next week then? happy100
-
Young's...lovely...
Yes darling?
-
On yer own all next week then? happy100
The next 7 weeks sad24:
-
You will have some Young's to keep yer spirits up.
Any nice barmaids at your pub? eyes:
-
You will have some Young's to keep yer spirits up.
Any nice barmaids at your pub? eyes:
Swamp donkeys only.
-
Change pubs?
-
Talking to a Scottish friend, I now find out that the town I was in DID have a chemical plant in it AND was involved in the transportation of irradiated uranium to Sellafield!