The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on June 04, 2007, 08:44:48 AM
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And particularly the numpties who set them up. I am having to call schools all day. Here is how it goes
Welcome etc. etc.
TO report a pupil absence press 1
To report staff absence press 2
For PE press 3
For the canteen press 4
For the nurse press 5
For someone or other else press 6
If you know the extension dial it now
For Reception press 7
WHY NOT PUT "FOR RECEPTION" FIRST YOU IDIOTS? This has happened 6 times this morning already.
cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
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Local High School uses this system. They have issued all registration teachers with a wireless lap-top on which to check the register and this automatically refers any absentees to the system which then dials your designated number and gives an automated "Your child is absent from school message". They used to do this at 0930 hours (ie 30 minutes after registration) but so many frantic parents turned up at the school by 0945 looking for their child (who was usually sat in class where they had been all along) that they now do not call "home" until 11 am. by this time, of course, any missing child will have been missing for well over two hours and could be on a plane somewhere on route to the Middle East. By waiting until 11am however the kids have gone from registration to their first and in some cases second class of the day so the errors made by the registration teacher will have been corrected by the class teachers who now also have a lap-top connected to the system and are having to log pupils presence or otherwise at the start of every single lesson.
Other than the obvious huge cost implication to their budget (this school has 1800 pupils and close to 200 staff) they have achieved diddly squat by "adopting up to date technology".
Oh did I mention that another excuse for this is that it stops the registration and all other teachers having to call out the names and get an affirmative (which can, of course, be given by an absentee's friend). This calling out of names and waiting for an answer was said to be demeaning to the pupils and staff. With the new system the teachers merely have to look round the class to see who is there or not.
YEAH RIGHT! ::)
Now since every child carries a lunch card (previously described) why not, I asked the head, use these for the children to "swipe" in at the beginning of each day and out again in the evenings? That, he told me, would be tooooooo demeaning as it smacked of having to "clock in" and that was "old fashioned.
"Well" I pointed out "They'll have to do that when they leave here and get a job ~ surely it would be a good discipline to get them used to it now. Additionally you would have a record of who entered the premises and who had not which would allow you to have the doors locked, entry gained only by card or intervention (in the case of a lost card by a member of staff who would be able to over-ride the door lock ~ this would improve you security at a stroke and at little additional cost. Far less than all these lap-tops certainly."
He told me I clearly did not understand security.
I was forced to point out that, as the City of London Sales Manager for the largest Security Company in the world I was the one who had designed the security access systems for The Bank of England, Barclays HQ, Coutts Bank, Canary Wharf, The Home Office, A number of USAF Bases in the UK and the DSS in their London Offices. and that I held security clearance from the MOD, The Home Office and Buckingham Palace.
He moved the meeting onto "Any Other Business" immediately.
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. . the largest Security Company in the world
You work for the CIA?
Respect. worthy:
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The largest non governmental company in the world.
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Local High School uses this system. They have issued all registration teachers with a wireless lap-top on which to check the register and this automatically refers any absentees to the system which then dials your designated number and gives an automated "Your child is absent from school message". They used to do this at 0930 hours (ie 30 minutes after registration) but so many frantic parents turned up at the school by 0945 looking for their child (who was usually sat in class where they had been all along) that they now do not call "home" until 11 am. by this time, of course, any missing child will have been missing for well over two hours and could be on a plane somewhere on route to the Middle East. By waiting until 11am however the kids have gone from registration to their first and in some cases second class of the day so the errors made by the registration teacher will have been corrected by the class teachers who now also have a lap-top connected to the system and are having to log pupils presence or otherwise at the start of every single lesson.
Other than the obvious huge cost implication to their budget (this school has 1800 pupils and close to 200 staff) they have achieved diddly squat by "adopting up to date technology".
Oh did I mention that another excuse for this is that it stops the registration and all other teachers having to call out the names and get an affirmative (which can, of course, be given by an absentee's friend). This calling out of names and waiting for an answer was said to be demeaning to the pupils and staff. With the new system the teachers merely have to look round the class to see who is there or not.
YEAH RIGHT! ::)
Now since every child carries a lunch card (previously described) why not, I asked the head, use these for the children to "swipe" in at the beginning of each day and out again in the evenings? That, he told me, would be tooooooo demeaning as it smacked of having to "clock in" and that was "old fashioned.
"Well" I pointed out "They'll have to do that when they leave here and get a job ~ surely it would be a good discipline to get them used to it now. Additionally you would have a record of who entered the premises and who had not which would allow you to have the doors locked, entry gained only by card or intervention (in the case of a lost card by a member of staff who would be able to over-ride the door lock ~ this would improve you security at a stroke and at little additional cost. Far less than all these lap-tops certainly."
He told me I clearly did not understand security.
I was forced to point out that, as the City of London Sales Manager for the largest Security Company in the world I was the one who had designed the security access systems for The Bank of England, Barclays HQ, Coutts Bank, Canary Wharf, The Home Office, A number of USAF Bases in the UK and the DSS in their London Offices. and that I held security clearance from the MOD, The Home Office and Buckingham Palace.
He moved the meeting onto "Any Other Business" immediately.
I deal with these idiots all the time so sympathise fully. Must get back to my phone calls to schools and my grievance procedure (which for a self employed person is quite rare and giving them problems evil:
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There is a secret to dealing with these systems. They were designed with idiots in mind so you can use that to your advantage. Listen to the options they give you and then hit a number not included in the options. The system gets confused and then asks you again. Repeat a couple more times and get put straight through to a real operator. whistle:
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There is a secret to dealing with these systems. They were designed with idiots in mind so you can use that to your advantage. Listen to the options they give you and then hit a number not included in the options. The system gets confused and then asks you again. Repeat a couple more times and get put straight through to a real operator. whistle:
I now ask for the Nurse!! Random buttons also has an effect, I am discovering, but the Nurse option is sort of comforting (potentially - so far all I get is answering machines!!)
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The largest non governmental company in the world.
WOOOooooo! The Catholic Church!
If you are in Sales then you must be a Priest, or maybe a Bishop. worthy: worthy:
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There is a secret to dealing with these systems. They were designed with idiots in mind so you can use that to your advantage. Listen to the options they give you and then hit a number not included in the options. The system gets confused and then asks you again. Repeat a couple more times and get put straight through to a real operator. whistle:
I now ask for the Nurse!! Random buttons also has an effect, I am discovering, but the Nurse option is sort of comforting (potentially - so far all I get is answering machines!!)
I cant do anything about answering machines I'm afraid Nick, I'm good but unfortunately not a miracle worker rubschin:
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That nurse in Manchester was cosy sounding. Better than Bar Wench
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Good God!
Issued with laptops to do roll-call? Jesus wept! Now I see where the Education Budget is going. Banghead
In my day, teacher had a pencil and a register. We didn't answer as such, we held our hands up to be properly identified.
They NEVER got it wrong! After roll-call the absentees names were passed to the Attendance Officer who went out to nail those playing truant and ascertain whose parents knew what was going on and whose didn't. He frequently returned with a few miscreants in tow and they were lined up outside the Headmasters office for punishment.
If us kids behaved respectfully, we were treated with respect. If not, we were treated like kids. It resulted in a generation of kids that knew what respect was.
Do they have 'fag breaks' there too?
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Issued with laptops to do roll-call? Jesus wept! Now I see where the Education Budget is going. Banghead
redface: Mr Wench hasn't done any official school work on the provided laptop for three weeks. I have done plenty surfing though. redface:
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You use his laptop?
When? How? How long for? eeek: eeek: eeek:
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You use his laptop?
When? How? How long for? eeek: eeek: eeek:
All the time, it lives at home, how ever long I want to.
Have I just been stupidly naive and missed something here? Was the question not as obvious as I thought it was? redface:
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NO, just carry on as "normal" censored:
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Issued with laptops to do roll-call? Jesus wept! Now I see where the Education Budget is going. Banghead
redface: Mr Wench hasn't done any official school work on the provided laptop for three weeks. I have done plenty surfing though. redface:
Is there not any feelings of guilt from either of you?
And Nick, if they put the Receptionist as the first option nobody would bother waiting to hear any others.
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I have guilt. Hence the > redface:
Mr Wench has done school work just not on the laptop.
Nick, reception probably automated the system of course they are going to put themselves last.
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I have guilt. Hence the > redface:
Mr Wench has done school work just not on the laptop.
Nick, reception probably automated the system of course they are going to put themselves last.
Of course they did, now I press "0" before the messages start. VICTORY IS MINE. I can talk to numpties quicker!!
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Are you sure its a genuine IVR and not a Nick detection system? whistle:
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I remember there used to be a website that listed the ?secret? codes to type-in that would get you through the automated ?phone systems of all the top companies.
I can?t remember what it was though ? but of a waste of time posting this really? noooo:
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The largest non governmental company in the world.
WOOOooooo! The Catholic Church!
If you are in Sales then you must be a Priest, or maybe a Bishop. worthy: worthy:
No I am not going to tell you but it wasn't Pinkertons or Wells Fargo (yes they are both still going as Security Companies) Nor was it Group 4 (washes mouth out with soap) Securicor or Reliance. Think BIG! 400,000 employees worldwide. 6,000 of them in London alone and only one ME!
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Are you sure its a genuine IVR and not a Nick detection system? whistle:
whip: whip: whip: whip:
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The largest non governmental company in the world.
Think BIG! 400,000 employees worldwide. 6,000 of them in London alone and only one ME!
Macdonalds, Burger King, Cosa Nostra?
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Think BIG! 400,000 employees worldwide. 6,000 of them in London alone and only one ME!
Bloody hell, our Snoopy is a Scientologist scared:
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Think of a major international company that was told by the Aussies and the Yanks that the name we used worldwide for a variety of businesses within the group was not considered suitable for the provision of security services. the name had been used in the UK since they had bought out the company I worked for. They grew to predominance by acquisition and when the Yanks and 'Strines said the name was not a good idea they changed it.
Hey this is a good quiz noooo:
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Rent a kill!
I used them. Never worked for me. Mrs NIck is still alive!
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Give that man a cigar.
Rentokil it was.
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I cheated!
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Shithouse Security? whistle:
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Bugger - too slow today.... I was on the 'phone. noooo:
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plot lost the
Think you can manage to rearrange them? ::)
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Smite!
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Smite!
Not you, the dribbling imbecile in the corner!
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Smite!
Not you, the dribbling imbecile in the corner!
What, the spitoon?
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I can't work out who she is on about. Could be any of us confused:
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I can't work out who she is on about. Could be any of us confused:
Well if the cap fits. point:
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I was going to reply to that, but thought better of it whistle:
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I was going to reply to that, but thought better of it whistle:
redface:
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Give that man a cigar.
Rentokil it was.
Bloody woodworm in the stables came back within the guarantee period but they found a loophole of course, Rentokil not the other worms that is.
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Give that man a cigar.
Rentokil it was.
Bloody woodworm in the stables came back within the guarantee period but they found a loophole of course, Rentokil not the other worms that is.
You don't get to be that big by admitting mistakes. point:
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Give that man a cigar.
Rentokil it was.
Bloody woodworm in the stables came back within the guarantee period but they found a loophole of course, Rentokil not the other worms that is.
You don't get to be that big by admitting mistakes. point:
Indeed not.
The Chairman should have some splendid roses after my usual annual gift. evil:
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Ahem....
Order... ORDER !!
Following an OFFICIAL complaint about this thread by one of our esteemed members.
I hereby announce, as requested, an OFFICIAL response.
::)
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You use his laptop?
When? How? How long for? eeek: eeek: eeek:
All the time, it lives at home, how ever long I want to.
Have I just been stupidly naive and missed something here? Was the question not as obvious as I thought it was? redface:
Just remember my hard drive comment to atb a while back and it should slip into place Wenchy dear eyes:
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redface:
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Ahem....
Order... ORDER !!
Following an OFFICIAL complaint about this thread by one of our esteemed members.
I hereby announce, as requested, an OFFICIAL response.
::)
Much as I hate to disagree ~ from Automated Telephone Systems to Horse Shit seems to me to be a perfectly natural progression. My only surprise is that it took so long. shrugs:
Mind you the journey seems to have included my CV, Barman's Hard Drive, Wench's Lap-top ...... yes I begin to see the problem.
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Ahem....
Order... ORDER !!
Following an OFFICIAL complaint about this thread by one of our esteemed members.
I hereby announce, as requested, an OFFICIAL response.
::)
I've been busy... redface:
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
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Our work solicitor has a lovely irish accent. <swoon>
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
Ith that a Night Nurth ~ with a new tooth
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Our work solicitor has a lovely irish accent. <swoon>
Oxymoron alert!
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
Ith that a Night Nurth ~ with a new tooth
No, it fits perfectly? which probably means it will fall out when I go to the Indian this evening. noooo:
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
Ith that a Night Nurth ~ with a new tooth
No, it fits perfectly? which probably means it will fall out when I go to the Indian this evening.
Tonto?
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
Ith that a Night Nurth ~ with a new tooth
No, it fits perfectly? which probably means it will fall out when I go to the Indian this evening.
Tonto?
Pronto - I need top be off soon... whistle:
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I am calling my solicitors!
Dunno why, just thought I would............... cry:
Do they have a nice nurse?
Ith that a Night Nurth ~ with a new tooth
No, it fits perfectly? which probably means it will fall out when I go to the Indian this evening.
Tonto?
Pronto - I need top be off soon... whistle:
A topless Indian restaurant eh?
You really are at the cultural heart of Europe.
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No, it fits perfectly? which probably means it will fall out when I go to the Indian this evening. noooo:
You could always try superglue eveilgrin:
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Banghead
surrender:
What ARE we doing here? Does ANYBODY know? tunble:
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.uri.edu%2Fpersonal%2Fszunjic%2Fphilos%2Fsnoopy.jpg&hash=1c3e267f2f795fbfc017c487ed6383fbd0fe1d79)
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Banghead
surrender:
What ARE we doing here? Does ANYBODY know? tunble:
noooo: