The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Just One More on May 22, 2008, 02:19:41 PM
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Eh? rubschin:
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shrugs:
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shrugs:
What Uncle said...
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Touch the live coals with the hand of the cat is a very rare self defence move from an obscure Korean martial art.
It's similar to Capuchin Monkey snatches Plums in the Northern Shaolin style of Kung Fu and is extremely painful if you're on the receiving end... eyes:
shrugs:
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WOT?
I thought you were talking about this: http://www.averyhillarts.com/blakcat.html
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It's a proverb, of sorts eveilgrin:
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It's a proverb, of sorts eveilgrin:
What sorts? rubschin:
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Portuguese
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Portuguese
Oh... tunble:
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Sort of....
To put you out of your misery
http://www.verbatimmag.com/Gorman.html (http://www.verbatimmag.com/Gorman.html)
By the anti-logic of the surrealists and the Beats English as She Is Spoke, a book written by Pedro Carolino on an unspecified date near the end of the 19th century, is work of beauty to place alongside the Naked Lunch and Tanguy’s Indefinite Divisibility. Carolino had no intent to write a comic masterpiece. On the contrary, he intended to write an English/Portuguese phrasebook. Crucuially, he didn’t deem it necessary to have an English/Portuguese dictionary to do this. Or, for that matter, to be able to speak English whatsoever.On the sainted day he decided to enlighten the peoples of two great nations with The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English, (as it was originally known) something miraculous was born.
The book sets out its philanthropic mission in what soon becomes its trademark transcendent style.
The Works which we were conferring for this labour, found use us for nothing; but those that were publishing to Portugal, or out, they were almost all composed for some foreign, or for some national little aquainted in the spirit of those languages. It was resulting from that corelessness to rest these Works fill of imperfections, and anomalies of style; in spite of the infinite typographical faults which some times, invert the sense of the periods.
With this singular quest in mind, Carolino sets his Works out in stall. Firstly, simple works. In “Of The Man”, we discover those basic building blocks which make us all
The brain The brains
The fat of the leg The ham
The inferior lip, The superior lip
And of course
The reins
Already a wonderful inner logic has taken shape. Not too much later, the reader is plunged into more sinister realms, such as “Diseases”, namely:-
The Apoplexy The megrime
The scrofulas The whitlow
The melancholy The rehumatisme
The Vomitory
In full flow, Carolino expounds more categories, “Eatings” (which includes “Some sugar plum”, “Some wigs”, “A dainty-dishes”, “Hog fat” and “A Little Mine”) “Quadruped’s Beasts”,(including “Ass-colt”, “Rocbuck”, “Ram,aries” and “Dragon”), and “Fishes and shell-fishes” (”Calamary”, “Hedge hog”, “Wolf”, “Torpedo”, and the enigmatic “A sorte of fish.”)
These words, at once familiar and alien, are the components of a fabulous new language, as vibrant as the Nadsat of A Clockwork Orange. But in the book’s next chapter “Familiar Phrases” the warped grammar takes on a whole new rhapsodic delight.
From the whimsically poetic whose actual meaning is not in doubt:-
Have you say that?
At what O’Clock Dine him?
Have you understanded?
The thunderbolt is falling down
No budge you there
Through the more arcane:-
Dress your hairs
Will you a bon?
Do not might one’s understand to speak?
These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth
He has spit in my coat
I am pinking me with a pin
To the eternally abstruse:-
He do want to fall
He do the devil at four
Dry this wine
He laughs at my nose, he jest by me
After “End First Part’s” the reader, now fully equipped, is encouraged to be more adventurous and venture into “Familiar Dialogues”, which include “For to wish the good morning”, “For to dress him self”, and “For to ask some news”. One of the finest is “With a Hairdresser”
Your razors, are them well?
Yes, Sir.
Comb-me quickly; don’t put me so much pomatum. What news tell me? All hairs dresser are newsmonger.
Sir, I have no heared any thing.
The penultimate section, “Anecdotes”, shows Carolino’s invention at its most fluent and illuminating. The best rib-tickler is surely:-
A man one’s was presented a magistrate which ad a considerable library “What you make?” beg him the magistrate. “I do some books” was answered. “But any of your books I did not seen its — I believe it so, was answered the author I mak nothing for Paris. From a of my works is imprinted, I send the edition for America; I don’t compose what to colonies.”
The sound of drumstick hitting cymbal.
Just when it can’t seem to get any better, we have what could be a mere epilogue, but ends up as a thrilling climax:- “Idiotisms and proverbs”. The cryptic wisdom of this new tongue finally reaches its zenith.
Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
With a tongue one go to Roma
The necessity don’t know the low..
A bad arrangement is better than a process.
Cat scalded fear the cold water.
Which like Bertram, love hir dog.
To build castles in Espagnish
To craunch a marmoset
To make paps for the cats
To come back at their muttons
Finally the reader can withdraw, delighted, sated, the glimpse of another universe in sight.
This whole book is of course, a “mistake”, and a very extreme one too. But every progression of language develops from mishearing, from distortion. While undoubtedly funny, the undulating incongruity of the language is enough to stimulate realms of the mind previously unexplored. In this sense, English as She Is Spoke is not only a worthy heir of Lewis Carrol and portent of Dali, but also belongs to the tradition of warped wordsmithery which would include not only Anthony Burgess, but also Chris Morris and Mark E Smith too.
So then, in appreciating this great masterpiece of accidental humour, we are not simply laughing at the funny foreigner. Or not just that anyway.
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TL:DR whistle:
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What?
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What?
Too long. Didn't read... whistle:
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noooo:
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noooo:
redface:
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It sounds like something Mrs TG would say. Only without the capiatal letter obviously.
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Frankly I think my story of the Devil and his cat was more entertaining ~ but I doubt that any one here bothered to read that either.
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That was at the back of my mind.I use the word "mind" loosely of course
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What is this shite? shrugs:
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Have you understanded?
The thunderbolt is falling down
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Have you understanded?
The thunderbolt is falling down
Will the veil of the temple be rented twain? rubschin:
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He laughs at my nose, he jest by me
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hJQ18S6aag
;D
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He has spit in my coat
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He has spit in my coat
Who? rubschin:
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Dress your hairs
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Dress your hairs
What???
Who spat in your coat? noooo:
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A bad arrangement is better than a process.
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A bad arrangement is better than a process.
Um... ye-es... tunble:
[steps away]
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Your razors, are them well?
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Your razors, are them well?
shrugs:
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Touch the live coals with the hand of the cat
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Touch the live coals with the hand of the cat
Banghead
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It sounds like something Mrs TG would say. Only without the capital letter obviously.
you obsessed with capital letters it only a friendly pub forum, not a letter to queen,
so who cares, we can use text speech etc if i want..bloody men Banghead
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It sounds like something Mrs TG would say. Only without the capital letter obviously.
you obsessed with capital letters it only a friendly pub forum, not a letter to queen,
so who cares, we can use text speech etc if i want..bloody men Banghead
No text speech... noooo:
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He spit on my coat!
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Well I read the bloody thing and I still don't understand. noooo:
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Which like Bertram, love hir dog.
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Well I read the bloody thing and I still don't understand. noooo:
I'm with you Wenchy... noooo:
Nick is, um feeling tired... whacky115
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Do not might one’s understand to speak?
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Well I read the bloody thing and I still don't understand. noooo:
I'm with you Wenchy... noooo:
Nick is, um feeling tired... whacky115
Thank goodness it isn't just me! eeek:
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These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fangry026.gif&hash=c7a0bbc2423dc3976d396490069d2afdcba8e6dd)
A poke in the eye with a sharp stick will shut him up methinks
And if that fails reverse the stick and beat him over the head with it.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fangry009.gif&hash=51e66f8f56d7c47f299e353b8712a20e261b750c)
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I'm thinking more
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.houseofchuckles.com%2Flf%2Fjo-0009.jpg&hash=bed89f7d6e49b2ddd7cf660c81f25f33c8ecf562)
I think he has really lost it this time. noooo:
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http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fractured-English-She-Spoke-Conversation/dp/0486223299/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211533027&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fractured-English-She-Spoke-Conversation/dp/0486223299/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211533027&sr=8-1)
She spit in my coat!
Oh, and my hovercraft is full of eels
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rubschin: Try to make allowances ~ it could be his age.
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I make allowances for all of you because of your age!
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evil:
You wait until you are grown up.
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point:
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evil:
You wait until you are grown up.
Never going to happen! lol:
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Dry this wine
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whacky115
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I'm quite frightened. scared2:
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Have you say that?
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I'm quite frightened. scared2:
Does he know where you live??? scared2:
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To make paps for the cats
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To make paps for the cats
Of course... happy100
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scared2: sad24: scared2:
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With a tongue one go to Roma
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With a tongue one could roma where ever one likes. eyes:
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eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
To come back at their muttons?
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To pinch the back of the muttons.
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Quite wrong. Can't you read?
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fforum%2Fwtf.gif&hash=3a4a722ca9078bafd295c1f549db9b3bfe29c470) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
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Quite wrong. Can't you read?
Clearly not. Sorry. redface:
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(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fforum%2Fwtf.gif&hash=3a4a722ca9078bafd295c1f549db9b3bfe29c470) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Thought I'd cracked it. noooo:
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The inferior lip, The superior lip
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I shall not be returning to this thread... noooo:
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The inferior lip, The superior lip
Tween which there is a slip?
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I shall not be returning to this thread... noooo:
The necessity don’t know the low..
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I shall not be returning to this thread... noooo:
The necessity don’t know the low..
The high are of necesity too convinced.
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Have you understanded?
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noooo:
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No budge you there
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I have got one hell of a serious hangover this morning (still in the dressing gown stage noooo:) and have stupidly attempted to try and understand what all this is about.
My head hurt before - now it's just shut down cry:
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What kind of dressing gown? eyes:
Signed
Jock the Window Cleaner eveilgrin:
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What kind of dressing gown? eyes:
Signed
Jock the Window Cleaner eveilgrin:
censored:
When did you get the memory of an elephant upgrade noooo:
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She spit in my coat
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Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Banghead
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We are all tiniking of weddings now. Even I am getting starry eyed.
eeek:
Must go to the pub! eveilgrin:
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I'm thinking of the expense and the rows that my wedding would cause. noooo:
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Money should be spent on a home and your future. Splashing out a fortune for a wedding is pure self indulgence and at the end of it all nothing will have changed. You will still be going to bed with the same man, you will have no money (and that is always the main cause of arguments in any marriage) and you will be even further away from buying a house. Sorry but it is a complete waste of money.
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Sooooooooooooo simple.
Mrs Nick (to be) and I had an argument
We agreed to get married
Saw church (Catholic evil:)
Saw man for licence
Went to restaurant (Petersham HOtel, Richmond Hill)
Want "lunch for 30 people"
Sure "£700".
Keep the wine flowing
£200 more evil:
Party later for friends
Cost: £300
When the hotel found out it was a "Wedding Reception" and not just "Lunch" they went bonkers. Why? They woud have trebled the price for the same menu and service. Tits.
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Exactly what we did too. Hotel didn't like it one bit when they saw our guests arriving sporting buttonholes. eveilgrin:
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Money should be spent on a home and your future. Splashing out a fortune for a wedding is pure self indulgence and at the end of it all nothing will have changed. You will still be going to bed with the same man, you will have no money (and that is always the main cause of arguments in any marriage) and you will be even further away from buying a house. Sorry but it is a complete waste of money.
Why do you think we haven't done it! lol: I remember looking at wedding magazines after we got engaged! eeek:
We will end up just going off to the registery office one day.
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A wedding soon cloud9:
And babies cloud9:
Triplets cloud9:
Welsh ones eeek:
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A wedding soon cloud9:
And babies cloud9:
Triplets cloud9:
Welsh ones eeek:
They are normally called Lambs.
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lol:
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Exactly what we did too. Hotel didn't like it one bit when they saw our guests arriving sporting buttonholes. eveilgrin:
Profiteering gits. I imagine BM has been taken on this too noooo: noooo:
Could have saved thousands, and got the right trousers!
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Profiteering gits. I imagine BM has been taken on this too noooo: noooo:
Could have saved thousands, and got the right trousers!
Money is no object to BM - not with the profits he makes off us ;D
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13%?
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I'm sure BM only deals with 3 figures sums and above lol:
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You spit in my coat?
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I still have hangover mouth - I don't have enough spit to chew my own food let alone waste it on your coat lol:
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Nice night eyes:
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Nice night eyes:
Very good thank you ;)
Even better now i have had an afternoon nap and feel much better lol: