The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Mrs TG on May 07, 2008, 07:56:03 AM
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Not sure if been posted before but here it goes ..still makes me laugh
How to Give A Cat a Pill:
> >
> > (1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
> > holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
> > cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
> > right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
> > mouth and swallow.
> >
> > (2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
> > left arm and repeat process.
> >
> > (3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
> >
> > (4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
> > paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
> > mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
> >
> > (5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
> > spouse from garden.
> >
> > (6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
> > rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
> > firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
> > down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
> >
> > (7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
> > Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
> > shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing
> > later.
> >
> > (8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
> > visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
> > mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
> >
> > (9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to
> > take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
> > from carpet with cold water and soap.
> >
> > (10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
> > beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
> > showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
> > with elastic band.
> >
> > (11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges.
> > Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
> > compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply
> > whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
> > Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
> >
> > (12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the
> > road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
> > avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
> >
> > (13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
> > and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
> > from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
> > Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
> > throat to wash pill down.
> >
> > (14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
> > emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
> > and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
> > home to order new table.
> >
> > (15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet
> > shop to see if they have any hamsters.
> >
> >
> >
> > How To Give A Dog A Pill:
> >
> > (1) Wrap it in bacon.
scared2:
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It has... but I can't find it so I won't punish you with a smite... whistle:
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i went through the archives of the comedy room an couldent find it..so here you got it again!
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i went through the archives of the comedy room an couldent find it..so here you got it again!
Perhaps it was a dream... rubschin:
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I don't think it has! lol:
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Possibly in another place under another nom de guerre.
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Possibly in another place under another nom de guerre.
Perhaps... redface:
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well it funny to us cat owners...cant beat a good old laugh, an so true eyes:
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well it funny to us cat owners...cant beat a good old laugh, an so true eyes:
We've got three... Banghead
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Do you have scars BM?
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Do you have scars BM?
Oh yes... emotional and physical... sad24:
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happy100
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well it funny to us cat owners...cant beat a good old laugh, an so true
We've got three.
Laughs or cats?
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well it funny to us cat owners...cant beat a good old laugh, an so true
We've got three.
Laughs or cats?
I could do with a good laugh... sad24:
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Examine your own speech!
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Examine your own speech!
happy001
sad24:
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we got two lovely pussy cats, and dont tell.. but
may will b patter of kitten feet in the tg household over next two months...
as just waiting for my friends pussy to drop. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol:
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we got two lovely pussy cats, and dont tell.. but may will b patter of kitten feet in the tg household over next two months...
as just waiting for my friends pussy to drop. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol:
Kittens>>>sack>>>brick>>>river whistle:
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Tsk noooo: noooo:
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how could you..yr evil...little cuddly ball of fluff no trouble at all.......arrrrrrrrrr u so mean.. angry041:
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how could you..yr evil...little cuddly ball of fluff no trouble at all.......arrrrrrrrrr u so mean.. angry041:
But they grow into monsters... noooo:
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Like wimmin! noooo:
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Like wimmin! noooo:
Indeed... noooo: