The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Comedy Room => Topic started by: Nick on April 12, 2008, 08:37:18 AM
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'
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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is true !!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Sadly soooooooooooooooo true. lol:
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;D
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An example from home.
Boy loses piece of saxophone.Replacement cost:£5
My approach
1.Call shop
2. Ask if they have piece
3.Confirm they have
4.Go and fetch it
Mrs Nick
Call shop
Ask if they have piece
Confirmthey have
Then ask akbout 4 other things, qhich require speaking the three different assistants
Ask for everything to be "Put aside"
Tell the shop she will be there this morning early
Wander about house till nearly mid day in pyjamas
Initiate new hunt for missing piece which involves me climbing stepladders(why?)
Talks incessantly about having shower and going to shop
Begins to clean oven
L:eaves oven half dismantled whilst gassing to CBFT on phone
Changes her mind about oven
Loses car keys
AND IT IS STILL GOING ON!!!!
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happy100
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An example from home.
Boy loses piece of saxophone.Replacement cost:£5
My approach
1.Call shop
2. Ask if they have piece
3.Confirm they have
4.Go and fetch it
Mrs Nick
Call shop
Ask if they have piece
Confirmthey have
Then ask akbout 4 other things, qhich require speaking the three different assistants
Ask for everything to be "Put aside"
Tell the shop she will be there this morning early
Wander about house till nearly mid day in pyjamas
Initiate new hunt for missing piece which involves me climbing stepladders(why?)
Talks incessantly about having shower and going to shop
Begins to clean oven
L:eaves oven half dismantled whilst gassing to CBFT on phone
Changes her mind about oven
Loses car keys
AND IT IS STILL GOING ON!!!!
Don't you have a garden you can point her at? noooo:
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She is now emptying cupboards Banghead Banghead Banghead
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An example from home.
Boy loses piece of saxophone.Replacement cost:£5
My approach
1.Call shop
2. Ask if they have piece
3.Confirm they have
4.Go and fetch it
Mrs Nick
Call shop
Ask if they have piece
Confirmthey have
Then ask akbout 4 other things, qhich require speaking the three different assistants
Ask for everything to be "Put aside"
Tell the shop she will be there this morning early
Wander about house till nearly mid day in pyjamas
Initiate new hunt for missing piece which involves me climbing stepladders(why?)
Talks incessantly about having shower and going to shop
Begins to clean oven
L:eaves oven half dismantled whilst gassing to CBFT on phone
Changes her mind about oven
Loses car keys
AND IT IS STILL GOING ON!!!!
Don't you have a garden you can point her at? noooo:
Don't you mean a patio eveilgrin:
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I am now waiting the instruction to go to the shop myself and get all this wretched stuff when she realises the time.......... noooo:
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An example from home.
Boy loses piece of saxophone.Replacement cost:£5
My approach
1.Call shop
2. Ask if they have piece
3.Confirm they have
4.Go and fetch it
Mrs Nick
Call shop
Ask if they have piece
Confirmthey have
Then ask akbout 4 other things, qhich require speaking the three different assistants
Ask for everything to be "Put aside"
Tell the shop she will be there this morning early
Wander about house till nearly mid day in pyjamas
Initiate new hunt for missing piece which involves me climbing stepladders(why?)
Talks incessantly about having shower and going to shop
Begins to clean oven
L:eaves oven half dismantled whilst gassing to CBFT on phone
Changes her mind about oven
Loses car keys
AND IT IS STILL GOING ON!!!!
Don't you have a garden you can point her at? noooo:
Don't you mean a patio eveilgrin:
rubschin:
Let her make the garden look nice first... whistle:
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Noon pips on the radio.
"Is that the time?" she wails
Me: "No it's a trick"
scared2:
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Noon pips on the radio.
"Is that the time?" she wails
Me: "No it's a trick"
scared2:
Brave boy! happy088
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Stupid actually.
She has gone back to emptying cupboards.
Why? rubschin:
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Stupid actually.
She has gone back to emptying cupboards.
Why? rubschin:
Why don't you just go to the shops and buy the bit - you can have a pint on the way... whistle:
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Or perhaps seek advice in Agony Corner? whistle:
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Sod this.I am off out!!
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Well done ~ A man, a plan ~ What could possibly go wrong?
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Well done ~ A man, a plan ~ What could possibly go wrong?
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.worldtransportpictures.com%2Fimages%2Fbreathalyser%2520565s13.JPG&hash=ba1bb41b1810c725ee54fb6a15e375e786ec28fc)
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rubschin:
He could walk to the pub ...... It is only four doors down from his place.
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rubschin:
He could walk to the pub ...... It is only four doors down from his place.
But he'll get a clout if he doesn't bring the bit for the saxaphone back... whistle:
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rubschin:
She'll have found it by the time he gets back ~ and he'll prolly be too p*ssed to care.
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No chaps. I have been to Tesco.
I now have to cook (when I have unlade3d the car).
Mrs Nick STILL in PJs.
She is now going to a DIFFERENT SHOP to get the stuff this afternoon.
At least I shall get some peace and quiet and listen to the Afternoon Play.....Which sounds rather good!!
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Suggest to her that you find her PJs exciting at this time of the day and that you have a mind to give The Boy enough cash to go to the Ice Cream parlour for an hour. Given appropriate nuance and eyebrow work eyes: on your part I reckon she'll be dressed and out of the house in less time than it will take you to get your shoes off.
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He has to go to drama school. Good plan though eyes:
See also
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/saturday_play.shtml (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/saturday_play.shtml)
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Yes ~ I've been "caught" by the trails all week.
BTW David Jacobs really will be 82 in May.
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"O'ill give it foive"
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Janice Nicholls.
I'll have a Google for a pic. Back in a minute.
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She must be about 70 by now noooo:
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Janice Nicholls with the "Fab Four"
But David Jacobs was not the presenter of "Spin a Disc" .... he did Juke Box Jury (AKA Soap Box Fury)
http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/index.php?title=Juke_Box_Jury
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She must be about 70 by now noooo:
She's still going strong. eeek:
http://www.btinternet.com/~foive/index.htm