The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: TG on January 14, 2008, 02:49:27 PM
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www.videojug.com
There you go people. Video instructions on how to do everything. From pole dancing to cleaning your kitchen floor, from making oxtail soup to talking dirty.
No more excuses, you CAN do EVERYTHING!
happy088
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But surely those are the wife's tasks. whistle:
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to
pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
I didn't say I couldn't but when someone rings the door bell do I ask her to bark? whistle:
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
I didn't say I couldn't but when someone rings the door bell do I ask her to bark? whistle:
In a Pavlovian way, yes.
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
I didn't say I couldn't but when someone rings the door bell do I ask her to bark? whistle:
In a Pavlovian way, yes.
evil: She yaps ~ I bark
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
I didn't say I couldn't but when someone rings the door bell do I ask her to bark? whistle:
In a Pavlovian way, yes.
evil: She yaps ~ I bark
Or do you only think she does?
Salivation and tail-wagging are important observations as well.
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This is the 21st century Snoops. Every bloke should be able to pole dance do his own ironing.
Here you go! http://www.videojug.com/tag/washing-and-ironing
I didn't say I couldn't but when someone rings the door bell do I ask her to bark? whistle:
In a Pavlovian way, yes.
evil: She yaps ~ I bark
Or do you only think she does?
Salivation and tail-wagging are important observations as well.
Only when lap dancing eyes:
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arrr. Good doggie.
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-train-your-dog-to-be-obedient point:
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rubschin:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-cook-fish-wrapped-in-banana-leaf whistle:
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rubschin:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-cook-fish-wrapped-in-banana-leaf whistle:
eeek:
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http://www.videojug.com/interview/brewing-beer
rubschin:
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In case you get kidnapped...
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-unlock-plastic-handcuffs
point:
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In case you get kidnapped...
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-unlock-plastic-handcuffs
point:
That's why I know how to do it obviously. redface:
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Right ladies - you just have to 'try' watching this
http://www.videojug.com/interview/why-and-how-to-date-younger-women
When it got to the 2nd posed question of 'Why do younger women date older men?' and the wrinkly git purporting to know it all on this subject stated
'' Younger women date older men because older men are powerful and older men, just by being older, know what they are doing '' I thought I would fall off my chair laughing, or smash up his ugly face on my PC rubschin:
Sorry chaps - he's lying whistle:
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Right ladies - you just have to 'try' watching this
http://www.videojug.com/interview/why-and-how-to-date-younger-women
When it got to the 2nd posed question of 'Why do younger women date older men?' and the wrinkly git purporting to know it all on this subject stated
'' Younger women date older men because older men are powerful and older men, just by being older, know what they are doing '' I thought I would fall off my chair laughing, or smash up his ugly face on my PC rubschin:
Sorry chaps - he's lying whistle:
So Debbie what first attracted you to moldy old millionare Paul Daniels.
Let the poor wrinkly git delude himself, he has precious all left in his ancient life.
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So Debbie what first attracted you to moldy old millionare Paul Daniels.
Let the poor wrinkly git delude himself, he has precious all left in his ancient life.
Oh I really dont like Paul Daniels - he makes my toes curl scared2: You couldn't pay me enough to sit next to him on a crowded train, let alone be anywhere alone with me - uck that thought has just made me shudder :lalalala
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Sorry chaps - he's lying whistle:
[chorus] Oh no he isn’t! [/chorus] point:
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Sorry chaps - he's lying whistle:
[chorus] Oh no he isn’t! [/chorus] point:
Proven by what exactly ::)
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Sorry chaps - he's lying whistle:
[chorus] Oh no he isn’t! [/chorus] point:
Proven by what exactly ::)
Um... redface:
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http://www.videojug.com/interview/arguing-in-a-relationship
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I don't need a how to for that! ::)
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I don't need a how to for that! ::)
Nor does... um, don't you my dear? whistle:
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I don't need a how to for that! ::)
Nor does... um, don't you my dear? whistle:
Just out of interest, was that an attempt at diplomacy or has old age caught up with you and you cant remember LL's name whistle:
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I don't need a how to for that! ::)
Nor does... um, don't you my dear? whistle:
Just out of interest, was that an attempt at diplomacy or has old age caught up with you and you cant remember LL's name whistle:
Who? rubschin:
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
Read the book, got the tee-shirt and exam certificate ::)
Taught the daughter to finger spell and a few basic signs - great when our clubbing eyes:
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
I can't tho... noooo:
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
I can't tho... noooo:
Well sort it out. Tell her. Say "Oi, LL, teach me to talk filthy in british sign language or your divorced"
Then view this motion picture : http://www.videojug.com/interview/divorce-law-explained
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happy001
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
I can't tho... noooo:
Well sort it out. Tell her. Say "Oi, LL, teach me to talk filthy in british sign language or your divorced"
Then view this motion picture : http://www.videojug.com/interview/divorce-law-explained
Been there, read the book and got the tee shirt ::)
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
I can't tho... noooo:
Well sort it out. Tell her. Say "Oi, LL, teach me to talk filthy in british sign language or your divorced"
Then view this motion picture : http://www.videojug.com/interview/divorce-law-explained
Been there, read the book and got the tee shirt ::)
eeek: Oh, I see... whistle:
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Try this for a laugh. Spice up any relationship. point:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-flirt-using-british-sign-language
LL can 'speak' BSL... whistle:
Oooh. You lucky devil. ;D
I can't tho... noooo:
Well sort it out. Tell her. Say "Oi, LL, teach me to talk filthy in british sign language or your divorced"
Then view this motion picture : http://www.videojug.com/interview/divorce-law-explained
Been there, read the book and got the tee shirt ::)
And I don't suppose it was ever your tee shirt either. evil:
Mind you I only narrowly avoided custody of the Johnny Matthis LPs ~ that was a close one. whistle:
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I have noticed there is no 'How to make pickled onions' video on videojug.
I have decided to correct this ommission by creating my own visual opus and posting it on the site.
Accordingly, I have despatched Mrs TG to shoplift a video camera.
Most of these videos are po faced dull affairs so I have decided to make mine in the style of Quentin Tarrantino. I have started the search for a faded 70's television star to front it (such as Lee Majors or Bungle off Rainbow) and have circumvented the writers strike by penning the script myself.
Here is a first draft :
When pickled onions attack : Vol I
By TG
Act 1, Scene 1
SCENE : A kitchen with worktop, on worktop is a small onion and a chopping board.
Enter THE PRESENTER (note : If Bungle is employed shoot will be on a closed set and that bastard Zippy will not be allowed through the front door) he is dresses in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. He reaches into his coat and withdraws a .45 automatic which he places on the worktop. He has mad looking eyes (note: if actor is rubbish just make hime go boz eyed and look in 2 directions at once).
PRESENTER : OK Motherf*****s, here's the the deal. You are going to be shown how to make perfect pickled f***ing onions and you will pay attention or I will rip you arm off and beat you to death with the f***ing wet end. I sh*t you not.
Sound of off camera gunshot (special effect ; blood bag bursts as our presenter takes a hit in the shoulder. Unfazed he grabs the .45 and blasts away at target offset.
PRESENTER : Eat lead motherf***er!
He puts down the gun and leans on worktop, bloodstained and foaming at the mouth, glaring madly at 2 cameras at once.
PRESENTER : OK then f***heads. Now you gotta prepare the f***ing onions. You gotta chop their f***ing ends off and then skin the bastards. To do this f***er right you need the right kitchen cutlery item. You need THIS f***ker!
Our presenter produces a massive samurai sword from under the table which he proceeds to brandish. He pauses, glares insanely at the onion, raises the sword. We cut to a slomo shot of descending blade.
PRESENTER : BANF***INGZAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII !
Screen goes black before blade hits onion.
Roll credits as follows :
To be continued in 'When pickled onions attack: Vol 2 - In theatres summer 2011.
Written, produced and directed by TG and a person.
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All i need now is 2 million quid to get production started.
happy088
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When did you last take a pill?
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bEREK HAS FOUND A SOULMATE cloud9:
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Caps Lock On Nick
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bEREK HAS FOUND A SOULMATE cloud9:
nICK HAS FOUND THE CAPS LOCK doh:
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So sorry. I ought to be working, but can't be arsed eveilgrin:
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So sorry. I ought to be working, but can't be arsed eveilgrin:
wHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE CAPS LOCK?
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Nothing. Why?
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bEREK HAS FOUND A SOULMATE cloud9:
nICK HAS FOUND THE CAPS LOCK doh:
Well done, that just leaves his marbles to locate whistle:
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When did you last take a pill?
yOU DIDNT LIKE IT? oSCARS HAVE BEEN WON FOR LESS. ;)
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oooh. Help with my speech. cloud9:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-accept-an-oscar
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oooh. Help with my speech. cloud9:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-accept-an-oscar
No can do ~ there's a writers strike on you know.
You'll just have blub a bit.
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Don't forget God and you mother. Oh, and your agent
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When did you last take a pill?
yOU DIDNT LIKE IT? oSCARS HAVE BEEN WON FOR LESS. ;)
i DIDN'T SAY i DIDN'T LIKE IT noooo:
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oooh. Help with my speech. cloud9:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-accept-an-oscar
No can do ~ there's a writers strike on you know.
You'll just have blub a bit.
I can do that. Anyway, it'll be over come Oscar time. No golden globe stylee press conference for me.
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When did you last take a pill?
yOU DIDNT LIKE IT? oSCARS HAVE BEEN WON FOR LESS. ;)
i DIDN'T SAY i DIDN'T LIKE IT noooo:
I may need a script collaborator for Vol 2. I'm knackered. Who's up for it? You get 1% of the gross and you get to kick Bungle in the balls.
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When did you last take a pill?
yOU DIDNT LIKE IT? oSCARS HAVE BEEN WON FOR LESS. ;)
i DIDN'T SAY i DIDN'T LIKE IT noooo:
I may need a script collaborator for Vol 2. I'm knackered. Who's up for it? You get 1% of the gross and you get to kick Bungle in the balls.
I'm not sure Bungle had any ~ but then I've often wondred about Jeffery too whistle:
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When did you last take a pill?
yOU DIDNT LIKE IT? oSCARS HAVE BEEN WON FOR LESS. ;)
i DIDN'T SAY i DIDN'T LIKE IT noooo:
I may need a script collaborator for Vol 2. I'm knackered. Who's up for it? You get 1% of the gross and you get to kick Bungle in the balls.
I'm not sure Bungle had any ~ but then I've often wondred about Jeffery too whistle:
There's no flies on Zippy though. whistle:
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True ~ but you could see where they had been
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.virginradio.co.uk%2Fimages%2Fblog%2Foconnell_1_zippy-705629.jpg&hash=fbfb076aef4c94e279f405dda57b3f2a6893941f)
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I used to say when I was a grown-up I was going to marry Jeffrey. Ahhh the naviety of children.
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Never marry a man who plays with puppets ~ he'll always have his hand up your arse. eeek:
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Never marry a man who plays with puppets ~ he'll always have his hand up your arse. eeek:
That isn't limited to men who play with puppets. eeek:
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eyes:
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I'm considering including Zippy in the script for volume 2. He can get blown apart by a close range shotgun blast whilst screwing the lid on a jar of onions.
cloud9:
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Good plan TG ~ lurve the avatar BTW
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Never marry a man who plays with puppets ~ he'll always have his hand up your arse. eeek:
That isn't limited to men who play with puppets. eeek:
eeek:
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Was very much my reaction at the time too. eeek:
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eeek:
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Are we confusing "up" with "on" by any chance? eeek:
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Are we confusing "up" with "on" by any chance? eeek:
Wenchy should tell all... whistle:
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I don't want to know
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I don't want to know
Yes you do! point:
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I don't want to know
Dentist problem?