The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Library => Topic started by: Nick on October 26, 2017, 12:41:57 PM
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Coming soon whistle:
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Coming soon whistle:
eeek:
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Day 1: Well, we have arrived in Cyprus. We were met at the airport by our new landlord. He is a clown.
He drove us up to the new abode in his vintage truck and let us into the house. Everything was covered in Post It notes. Everything! It seems that the landlady is rather OCD and felt it necessary to label everything as though we are retarded. The Post it Not on the fridge read "Fridge", the one on the wardrobe read "Wardrobe" and so on. We have spent most of the first day ripping these blasted stickies off everything. Even stuff in drawers is labelled. I know what a fvcking spoon is you daft tart. They don't need a post it note cussing:
We shall be exploring the cellar and other murky parts of the house tomorrow.
At present SWMBO is fighting off the attentions of a gang of mangey cats who seem to expect her to feed them. I imagine Cyprus swarms with such strays, but SWMBO is allergic. She found a shotgun hidden in a cupboard (no Post It, so it must have been overlooked) and is demanding that I shoot them. Time enough for that tomorrow.
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Excellent work Mr Nick :thumbsup:
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Day 1 pm: We have been wondering what the awful smell was. We have now tracked it down to a decomposing packet of Popcorn flavouring that someone had thrown to the back of a cupboard. We may have been unfairly blaming the cats
Will have to rush off now as SWMBO has a nasty cut when she trod on a discarded quadcopter on the bottom of the pool.
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lol: lol: lol:
evil:
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My lovely thread cloud9:
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We need a post it on The Snug ;)
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We need Post Its on the whole pub so we don't get muddled, like.
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We need Post Its on the whole pub so we don't get muddled, like.
rubschin:
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Day 1. evening
The minema looks ideal for cannabis growing
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Day 2
Shotgun loaded and managed to blast one of the cats eveilgrin: Pity it landed in the pool noooo:
Got some cleaning up to do there, methinks.
SWMBO has counted nearly 400 Post it notes in drawers and even hidden behind things. One, stuck to a cushion, just said "Cushion"! That woman must be completely bonkers. Some neighbours, I think Russian, have invited us round this evening for a drink. We may get some of the lowdown on our clowns of landlords.
We have also managed to purchase a car from someone called "Cash Only George". He assures us that it is in tip top condition and has had just one careful owner. He seems trustworthy.
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lol:
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lol:
lol: lol: lol:
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George delivered the "car". All the panels are different colours, so it looks like a clown car. The interior stinks of cheese.
He assures me it is "bespoke" and has supplied a guarantee (which is written in Greek).
rubschin:
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lol:
Popcorn:
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Is it time for my "tenants" joke ......... rubschin:
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Popcorn:
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Popcorn:
Why do the homeless drink tenants ........ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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tunble:
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Day 2 pm: a man has shown up shouting about something called "a mini" and a distributor. He said something about "pay up or I'll attack those gates". We pointed out it looked like he already had.
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Being new tenants they have been exploring and pressing every button or control device thingy in the house.
Things started whirring , clonking and clattering.
Now the electrics have blown scared2:
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Day 2 pm: a very nice Lady turned up offering to cook us some eggs. We invited her in to join us in watching a video of Arsenal's greatest own goals. It all went a bit quiet.
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Be interesting to see what happens when they meet Padlock Pockets... lol:
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I don't believe it!! The Russians have pushed a sodding Post It note through the door eeek:
It just says "BRING WODKA" .
SWMBO prefers sherry
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SWMBO is in tears noooo:
Post its, dead cats, clown cars, "wodka". She says she can't stand much more of this lunacy.
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And the neighbours!! They say the clown family were regular guests and as far as they can recall through the haze of wodka were OK and "no stranger" than everyone else round here.
We had to drink toasts to mother Russia, Putin, the Queen, Theresa May and about 20 other obscure oligarchs. They hinted darkly about their enemies in Russia and showed me their elaborate security systems and weaponry. It's like a fvcking arsenal in there. SWMBO is terrified, or was until she passed out. Mr Unpronounceable helped me carry her back but he had the head end and kept dropping her, so concussion seems likely.
I am coming to the conclusion that Cyprus is a madhouse.
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Taking them out to dinner tonight... whistle:
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Wodka?
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Wodka?
facepalm:
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Poka poka??
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SWMBO has regained consciousness (of a sort) and has grabbed the shotgun and is out hunting cats. She has just shot the clown car. I dare not approach her.
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She is now firing in the general direction of the Russians and the ancient truck. It seems the landlords are visiting the Russians. I fear the Russians may fire back scared2:
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It's like the opening of Saving Private Ryan here and some bald idiot is shouting "Do you want some pizza?"
SWMBO has been winged and another cat died when the grenade hit. :thumbsup:
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lol: lol: lol:
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Day 2 evening: Landlord came round today mumbling about buying paperclips. We thought we should be polite so said we'd have a small number. Landlord then said minimum buy was one billionteen million million million. We said no, Landlord mumbled about sending the hypno drones to 'sort us out'. SWMBO is now scared2:
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Most of the damage has been repaired, SWMBO was released on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the Russians have been arrested by the SWAT team. ::)
SWMBO has said she is going to try the landlady's pizza recipe.
I have grown partial to Wodka
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lol: I bet some people think this is all made up noooo:
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If only Banghead
It was like fvcking WW2 here last night. We are meant to be here for 2 years and we have barely survived the week!
I called George after we got back from interrogation and told him that SWMBO had shot the clown car (I can scarcely believe I am writing this!) and he says he knows someone who can patch the shotgun holes for CASH. He is collecting said vehicle tomorrow.
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We are now without a car. George came and aid. "It look more like colander than car".
He says he may come back later with a replacement while the other one is fixed.
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lol:
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Day whatever am: We phoned the Landlord to complain about all the post it notes clogging up the drains, he doesn't answer. We call round but a post it note on the door says he has run away to Limassol to sell paperclip futures. He is crazeee
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We found this in the drive when we got back Banghead Banghead Banghead Banghead
First day at work tomorrow and I have to get there in this Banghead Banghead Banghead
(https://s1.postimg.org/6a7gjlrfd7/banger.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/6a7gjlrfd7/)
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lol:
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We found this in the drive when we got back Banghead Banghead Banghead Banghead
First day at work tomorrow and I have to get there in this Banghead Banghead Banghead
(https://s1.postimg.org/6a7gjlrfd7/banger.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/6a7gjlrfd7/)
eeek:
He drives one of these!
(https://s1.postimg.org/2fn80ubscr/move-up.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/2fn80ubscr/)
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Aside from the derision of my team about my mode of transport, it is clear that my new colleagues are as bonkers as the rest of the people here.
To say they are lazy is an insult to three-toed sloths cussing: cussing:
I will have more to report about paperwork and bureaucracy in due course, but between the coffee breaks, cigarette breaks, personal telephone calls and general gossip they did NOTHING all day and then all fvcked off to lunch at 2.00 AND NEVER CAME BACK eeek:
I arrived home to find SWMBO high as a kite on Wodka and stalking the garden with a shotgun in search of the remaining cat.
I am hiding in the cellar. scared2:
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lol: lol: lol: