The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on August 20, 2016, 07:53:48 AM
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Adrian and the Gigantic Bee: not for kids
The website made it look fantastic. Not just nice, but fantastic. And so cheap! Being allocated the Honeymoon Suite, especially as I was on my own, seemed unusual but I assumed it was some sort of upgrade.
“Where?”, I hear you ask. Have a look. It’s stunning.
http://www.accommodation.thorntonmanor.co.uk/bridal-mews/ (http://www.accommodation.thorntonmanor.co.uk/bridal-mews/)
Actually, it looks stunning in the pictures……………Read on.
Sweeping through the magnificent gatehouse I parked and approached the main door which I found to be locked. I pushed the bell and eventually a lady in uniform appeared. “What do you want?” I explained that I was booked in and was looking for Reception. “Not here. Go back to the road, turn left and a few hundred yards on you will find the Tradesman’s Entrance. It’s clearly signed.” I explained I was a paying guest and……….”No, you want the Tradesman’s Entrance.” I apologised and set off. It’s an English thing: if in doubt, apologise.
I found myself in a bewildering yard with stables, cottages and a chapel. I wandered around and saw someone in an office so I poked my head through the window. “Hello, I want to check in. Where do I go?” “Here, I suppose, “ she said indicating a door. I went in and it was rather like entering a timewarp. “Sorry about the mess,” she said, gesturing at the many dog food bowls. She asked my name. “I need £10 for the key.” Enquiring why, she informed me that “people steal them”. I asked if I looked like a key thief. She said, “You could be, it’s hard to tell.” Having no cash about me I gave her my card. She diligently copied down all the numbers, including the three digit thing on the back. “But you could go online shopping with that,” I ventured. “Do I look dishonest?” she countered.
“My key?”
“Katie will give you that. She is in the stables.” She gestured vaguely. I followed my nose. Kate was clad in jodpurs and was holding a forkload of manure. “Ah yes, you want the key. We will show you the way, but we have to take Adrian.” Adrian turned out to be the very large horse who was eyeing me. The three of us set off across the cobbles. Adrian seemed hostile.
I thanked them both and in I went. Which was when the real trouble began. For those who have never seen it I insert a clip, which you may skip, from the Billy Wilder classic, Sunset Boulevard:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivTbd38NtWg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivTbd38NtWg)
You get the idea. It’s a great film, but you wouldn’t want to spend the night in it, would you?
I explored. I found this:
See pic 1
It was MASSIVE, but more of this anon.
I was intrigued by the bathroom and wandered in. A Jacuzzi! I was hot and tired and going out so I thought, “Why not?” and turned on the tap. Over an hour later there were about 2 inches of water in the blasted thing. It was the size of a small pool. I took a picture but this failed to capture the scale so I introduced it to a grapefruit I found in the fridge and took another picture, for scale. (See if you can find the grapefruit.)
See pic 2
I explored further. Behold the cupboard:
See pic 3
It was 7 feet high and strangely terrifying. Sorry about the flash. But the Honeymoon Suite was an artful blend (a melange perhaps) of the antique and the modern. Behold the artwork:
See pic 4
It’s colourful. I suspect it may be an early Adrian, perhaps during his experimental Pony Period.
I know, you are bothered about that Big Bee. I took another picture, but this time I took my thumb for scale:
See pic 5
Frightening, right?
I went out at this point.
LATER THAT SAME DAY:
Arriving back later (via the Tradesman’s Entrance, I know my place) I thought I might watch the TV news. Thus began another hunt. Check out this pic from their website:
See pic 6
OK. The telly is in a BIG DARK CUPBOARD at the far end of the room (beyond the sofas). The sofas are screwed to the floor (against more thieves, I guess), so to watch the telly you need to stand by the window or use mirrors. Regrettably, I had no mirrors with me, so I went to bed. And that is when the fun began.
It was a big bed, as one would hope and expect. I sat on it and it whizzed away. I crawled over and had a low level look. WHEELS!! NO BRAKES!!
I pushed it back and climbed aboard. The floor has a slight slope. Me and the bed set off. I jumped off and pushed it back. I got in and snuggled up and sensed movement. We hit the bathroom wall at about 3 mph. I jumped out and pushed it back. I was tired but reflecting on the whole Honeymoon Suite thing I began to wonder……….The wooden floor was pitted with wheel ruts, skid marks and a few emergency stops (and one tricky swerve, by the look of it!).
In the morning me and the bed woke up in the bathroom. Adrian wasn’t around, so I left the key in a hole I found and called them later, just to assure them I wasn’t a key thief.
I suspect Adrian does commissions and after dinner neighing. Do you want his number?
(https://s3.postimg.org/w203sq9kv/20160817_220613.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/w203sq9kv/)
(https://s4.postimg.org/cgwjnjjix/20160817_224720.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/cgwjnjjix/)
(https://s3.postimg.org/qx9xty0rz/20160817_224226.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/qx9xty0rz/)
(https://s4.postimg.org/wtwlg33e1/20160817_220510.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/wtwlg33e1/)
(https://s4.postimg.org/aly8ocfex/20160818_071022.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/aly8ocfex/)
(https://s4.postimg.org/4dp39o2w9/telly.jpg) (https://postimg.org/image/4dp39o2w9/)
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happy001 they so need that as a Trip Advisor write up
That write down card number incl security code lark though noooo:
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Just had a long grovelling call from the manager. I told her EVERYTHING and she wrote it all down. She is offering me compo eeek:
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Compo or compost ????
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Compo or compost ????
;D
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Just had a long grovelling call from the manager. I told her EVERYTHING and she wrote it all down. She is offering me compo eeek:
Maybe she can see the resemblance.. rubschin:
(https://ftgetgo.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/47984430_compo1.jpg)
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cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
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It could be worse Nick, you could have had this room.... noooo:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3753103/Thai-hotel-guests-unwittingly-spend-night-transgender-corpse-hidden-mattress.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3753103/Thai-hotel-guests-unwittingly-spend-night-transgender-corpse-hidden-mattress.html)
You have checked under the bed haven't you? rubschin:
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It could be worse Nick, you could have had this room.... noooo:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3753103/Thai-hotel-guests-unwittingly-spend-night-transgender-corpse-hidden-mattress.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3753103/Thai-hotel-guests-unwittingly-spend-night-transgender-corpse-hidden-mattress.html)
You have checked under the bed haven't you? rubschin:
He'd have been better off sleeping under it by all accounts....
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Compo or compost ????
drumroll: