The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 11:45:29 AM

Title: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 11:45:29 AM
Ask your pork related questions here  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 22, 2014, 11:50:53 AM
Are Peppa Pig Jigsaws goim...?


(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs9.postimg.org%2Fvwqs09irf%2F10636336_10152408718672877_8211304332776873067_n.jpg&hash=b7e320f1ef6d8000e6122c6d87b967b32fc441c3) (http://postimg.org/image/vwqs09irf/)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 11:56:19 AM
Most certainly as they create an unhealthy interest in sausages and bacon at an early age.
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Grumpmeister on October 22, 2014, 11:58:37 AM
Would salmon bacon be kosher?  rubschin:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2798603/bacon-salmon-launched-uk-supermarkets-ideas-don-t-rasher.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2798603/bacon-salmon-launched-uk-supermarkets-ideas-don-t-rasher.html)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 11:59:23 AM
Yes, as long as you shut your eyes while you eat it
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 22, 2014, 12:01:27 PM
Are Hoola hoops really foreskins...?
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 12:02:33 PM
Not the ones you use for exercise, no. It has been known for Jewish snack manufacturers to slip the odd one in (so to speak) to make up the weight of the packets.
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 22, 2014, 12:24:26 PM
What is the difference between wailing walls and licking windows?
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 12:30:36 PM
Wailing is a jolly good thing, obviously, but licking can lead one into sin angel1
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Miss Demeanour on October 22, 2014, 01:29:51 PM
Why do you have to wear those silly hats and what if my hair is not curly and long enough to have that loose bit at the front ?
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 01:36:04 PM
You can buy hats (at reasonable rate  whistle:) with built in wigs
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Steve on October 22, 2014, 07:40:19 PM
Is a Lithium Zion battery kosher or just a dodgy fake off Ebay?
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 22, 2014, 07:43:43 PM
My brothers have a large supply of these goods at reasonable prices. PM me.
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 04:20:58 AM
Is a Lithium Zion battery kosher or just a dodgy fake off Ebay?

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 23, 2014, 05:06:39 AM
I have laughed out loud to all of these.   redface:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 07:15:25 AM
So do you want to become Jewish??
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 23, 2014, 07:44:09 AM
So do you want to become Jewish??
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.puddletownbookshop.co.uk%2Fshop_image%2Fproduct%2F45949.jpg&hash=ffc546f6d88594e9207b388a4588940f2bf40440)

Can't think of anything else Jews and Gypsies have in common?

 redface:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 07:45:52 AM
I have just made Barman Jewish  angel1  No more pork for him!!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 07:50:16 AM
I have just made Barman Jewish  angel1  No more pork for him!!  :thumbsup:

Or LL!  Thumbs:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 23, 2014, 07:52:37 AM
I have just made Barman Jewish  angel1  No more pork for him!!  :thumbsup:

Or LL!  Thumbs:

If LL remains a shikse, she will have to get her pork elsewhere now.
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 12:03:07 PM
Anybody else want to convert? I may pick someone at random................
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 12:11:09 PM
It doesn't feel very different....  rubschin:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 12:11:59 PM
Try saying that next time you need a bacon sarnie  eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 12:13:27 PM
Try saying that next time you need a bacon sarnie  eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin: eveilgrin:

What do I have to do on Saturday like....? Shrugs:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 12:24:57 PM
WAIL  eveilgrin:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 12:32:04 PM
WAIL  eveilgrin:

 sad32:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 23, 2014, 12:34:17 PM
Child  ::)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 23, 2014, 12:34:44 PM
Child  ::)

I was having a practice like!  evil:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 23, 2014, 03:56:33 PM
Child  ::)

I was having a practice like!  evil:

Aha, a practising Jew.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on October 23, 2014, 04:21:42 PM
Child  ::)

I was having a practice like!  evil:

Aha, a practising Jew.  :thumbsup:

 drumroll:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Tipsy Gipsy on October 23, 2014, 10:35:18 PM
Child  ::)

I was having a practice like!  evil:

Aha, a practising Jew.  :thumbsup:

You do make me laugh.    ;D
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 27, 2014, 06:34:18 PM
Quote
God Bless My Israel, America & Egypt and All My Jews
With Love Ahmed.
I am light of god (Of Judaism Religion) brought in this world by thieve religion as i never had certificate from any religion claiming to be of there religion by any governments of any countries, moses met me in abudhabi in 2006-2007, UAE after he came to know i am light of god, i visited my jewish synagogues and being original torah genie and being killed i got my certificate of being a jewish from Rabbi Keith Stern of Temple Beth Avodah (United Kingdom). God bless my love torah family.
cloud9:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 27, 2014, 06:38:47 PM
Quote
God Bless My Israel, America & Egypt and All My Jews
With Love Ahmed.
I am light of god (Of Judaism Religion) brought in this world by thieve religion as i never had certificate from any religion claiming to be of there religion by any governments of any countries, moses met me in abudhabi in 2006-2007, UAE after he came to know i am light of god, i visited my jewish synagogues and being original torah genie and being killed i got my certificate of being a jewish from Rabbi Keith Stern of Temple Beth Avodah (United Kingdom). God bless my love torah family.
cloud9:

Has he not called you yet....?  whistle:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 27, 2014, 06:39:53 PM
 ::) ::)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Just One More on October 30, 2014, 09:12:06 PM
What time's the next bus Jew
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on October 31, 2014, 01:05:11 AM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on October 31, 2014, 05:09:06 AM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Baldy on October 31, 2014, 07:38:13 AM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll:  lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Steve on October 31, 2014, 09:21:33 AM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2014, 09:22:56 AM
 evil:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Darwins Selection on October 31, 2014, 12:41:35 PM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: boogs on October 31, 2014, 08:32:15 PM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:

 happy001 happy001 happy001
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2014, 08:35:25 PM
Now making Boogs Jewish. SHe is Scottish so therefore halfway there  evil:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on October 31, 2014, 08:37:42 PM
Now making Boogs Jewish. SHe is Scottish so therefore halfway there  evil:

But she likes pork in cider.......... rubschin:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: boogs on October 31, 2014, 08:38:20 PM
Now making Boogs Jewish. SHe is Scottish so therefore halfway there  evil:

But she likes pork in cider.......... rubschin:

 Thumbs:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: boogs on October 31, 2014, 08:39:18 PM
And bacon butties  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Just One More on October 31, 2014, 08:57:04 PM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Full credit must go to one Mr Bernard Manning who told it at the Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester in 1976 when I was there
[to be done in Bernard Manning's voice] This black bloke joined the queue at a bus stop in Cheetham Hill (think Golders Green etc) and said, "what time's the next bus due"

"Half past ten you black bastard"  lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on October 31, 2014, 08:58:03 PM
I had a sauna with him once  whistle: whistle:  Not good  noooo: noooo:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on October 31, 2014, 09:00:50 PM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Full credit must go to one Mr Bernard Manning who told it at the Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester in 1976 when I was there
[to be done in Bernard Manning's voice] This black bloke joined the queue at a bus stop in Cheetham Hill (think Golders Green etc) and said, "what time's the next bus due"

"Half past ten you black bastard"  lol:

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 01, 2014, 06:22:51 AM
What time's the next bus Jew

 drumroll: drumroll: ;D

 drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  ;D ;D
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:  lol: lol: lol:
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: lol: lol: lol: lol:

Full credit must go to one Mr Bernard Manning who told it at the Lancastrian Hall, Swinton, Manchester in 1976 when I was there
[to be done in Bernard Manning's voice] This black bloke joined the queue at a bus stop in Cheetham Hill (think Golders Green etc) and said, "what time's the next bus due"

"Half past ten you black bastard"  lol:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2014, 10:19:59 AM
He's back  eeek:

I contacted Mumbai chabad and he says he doesn't considers me to be jewish.
You told me your certificate is valid worldwide.
His number is 00919769060840
Thanks for helping. I love you rabbi.

Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2014, 10:27:53 AM
He's back  eeek:

I contacted Mumbai chabad and he says he doesn't considers me to be jewish.
You told me your certificate is valid worldwide.
His number is 00919769060840
Thanks for helping. I love you rabbi.

 point:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Steve on November 04, 2014, 07:25:49 PM
This isn't going to end well is it. Nick will have to have a new identity under the witless protection programme
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 07:28:42 PM
This isn't going to end well is it. Nick will have to have a new identity under the witless protection programme

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2014, 07:28:54 PM
This isn't going to end well is it. Nick will have to have a new identity under the witless protection programme

 Thumbs:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 07:31:11 PM
This isn't going to end well is it. Nick will have to have a new identity under the witless protection programme

 Thumbs:

Nick Quick...... Thumbs:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2014, 07:34:11 PM
I have had no complaints  whistle: whistle: whistle: whistle:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2014, 07:35:19 PM
I have had no complaints  whistle: whistle: whistle: whistle:

They don't have time to complain! happy001
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2014, 07:36:00 PM
 Angry9:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: apc2010 on November 04, 2014, 07:37:55 PM
I have had no complaints  whistle: whistle: whistle: whistle:

They don't have time to complain! happy001

Didn't hear them.......watching the weather.......... noooo:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 04, 2014, 07:44:58 PM
I have had no complaints  whistle: whistle: whistle: whistle:

They don't have time to complain! happy001

Didn't hear them.......watching the weather.......... noooo:

 lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on November 04, 2014, 07:50:35 PM
Children  ::)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Steve on November 04, 2014, 09:44:35 PM
Children  ::)
Says the one that set himself up as a bestower of Rabbi-ism  ::)
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on November 05, 2014, 06:05:57 AM
Children  ::)
Says the one that set himself up as a bestower of Rabbi-ism  ::)

Touché.
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on May 20, 2015, 04:43:49 PM
Quote
Hi Rabbi,

I am sorry i didnt had understanding and dont know what i was writing, now i got understanding and i am apologizing you for whatever i have written you because i didnt had understanding.

As you know i already proved i was born in muslim religion but every religion knows a kid is sent by god to families and i love only jewish religion and no body had right to force me to convert to there religion or keep my name when i didnt had understanding like when i was kid.

I feel ashamed writing you email about genies please forgive me i am like your servant or friend or member. Please accept my apology.

I am changing my name now officially in india and international passport.

Some rabbis are saying your certificate is not valid which you have given me can you please issue me a new certificate with my new name.

I assure you this will not happen again.

Thanks,
Ahmed.
Mobile : 0091-9030817628

 facepalm:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Steve on May 20, 2015, 06:25:01 PM
 facepalm: facepalm:

 Spank2:
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Grumpmeister on September 10, 2019, 03:39:37 PM
Hi Rabbi

A friend of mine is going on holiday again with another gent he goes out for drinks and lunches all the time with and we are worried that he is burying his feelings for him. Do you have any advice on how to help him in this case.

Also he already has a vicar praying for him in order to protect him for the chaos that usually follows in his wake, would it be possible for you to do so as well so he has double the protection,

Thanks
Grump
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Barman on September 10, 2019, 03:40:25 PM
Hi Rabbi

A friend of mine is going on holiday again with another gent he goes out for drinks and lunches all the time with and we are worried that he is burying his feelings for him. Do you have any advice on how to help him in this case.

Also he already has a vicar praying for him in order to protect him for the chaos that usually follows in his wake, would it be possible for you to do so as well so he has double the protection,

Thanks
Grump

happy002
Title: Re: The all new "Ask the Rabbi" thread
Post by: Nick on September 10, 2019, 06:01:50 PM
 Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: