The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Snug => Topic started by: Marley's Ghost (Imbiber of Spirits) on July 08, 2013, 11:00:38 AM
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All nice and ready like!
(with apologies to TMR - I couldn't resist . . . .)
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You are both in similar roles I suppose, loading people up for long journeys. rubschin:
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Awaits deluge of "stiffs" jokes ::)
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Awaits deluge of "stiffs" jokes ::)
noooo:
Rigidity is not a subject for levity
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Awaits deluge of "stiffs" jokes ::)
redface:
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
So, the question we all want to know the answer to.... whistle:
You can now reveal how you nip round the back of the crem, dump the body out of the coffin into the cremator and take it (the coffin, not the body ::))back to the shop to re-sell.... Thumbs:
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
So, the question we all want to know the answer to.... whistle:
You can now reveal how you nip round the back of the crem, dump the body out of the coffin into the cremator and take it (the coffin, not the body ::))back to the shop to re-sell.... Thumbs:
Ahhh, (taps side of nose knowingly) if I told you that, I'd have to kill you!
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
So, the question we all want to know the answer to.... whistle:
You can now reveal how you nip round the back of the crem, dump the body out of the coffin into the cremator and take it (the coffin, not the body ::))back to the shop to re-sell.... Thumbs:
Ahhh, (taps side of nose knowingly) if I told you that, I'd have to kill you!
And then re-sell my coffin! cussing:
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
So, the question we all want to know the answer to.... whistle:
You can now reveal how you nip round the back of the crem, dump the body out of the coffin into the cremator and take it (the coffin, not the body ::))back to the shop to re-sell.... Thumbs:
Ahhh, (taps side of nose knowingly) if I told you that, I'd have to kill you!
And then re-sell my coffin! cussing:
lol: lol: lol:
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Is it time for the Undertaker's apprentice joke?
The one I won't post
sober
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Today's little "send off" was entertaining . . . .
The part time taxi driver chappie (Graham) was putting the final touches to cleaning the stretch for the "guests".
We arrived in the hearse at the "customer's" house, and, when the stretch turns up, we see that the daft muppet's only gone and left the chamois on the boot!
Anyway, the guvnor grabs it sharpish like and off we jolly well go - heading for the local "House of the Rising Sun" crem for the "despatching" and, on arrival, "Pace Off" down from the gate.
All is going well until the dulcet tones of someone's mobile can be heard! The guvnor looks at us and demands (in stern tones) "Whose phone is that?"
"Not mine" we all chorus - turns out that it was some punters at another "despatching" - remarkably high "turnover" these crems have!
Once we've got the "customer" on the catafalque and have done the "offices" we leg it sedately outside to move all the flowers Floral Tributes round to the back for later perusal by the guests (so they can assess how much each other has spent on the dear departed!)
That done, we're done. Back into the hearse (a bit like the Addams Family) and head back.
Turns out that Rownan (the driver) has a pressing appointment to pick up his youngster from school - do not for one minute think that hearses cannot move quickly! This bugger was pushing 90 most of the way back.
Another one tomorrow first thing . . . . . . .
So, the question we all want to know the answer to.... whistle:
You can now reveal how you nip round the back of the crem, dump the body out of the coffin into the cremator and take it (the coffin, not the body ::))back to the shop to re-sell.... Thumbs:
Ahhh, (taps side of nose knowingly) if I told you that, I'd have to kill you!
And then re-sell my coffin! cussing:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
Recycling is what they call it BM. noooo:
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Job number 7 this morning - "you're driving the hearse" says the guvnor!
Ok, so this thing's like eleventeen feet long.
And I've got to get it out of the parking area which is, not to put too fine a point on it, cramped - TMR would be right at home!
First up, load the package, then spark it up and wait for the air con to work its magic. So bloody humid the coffin casket had condensation on it making it awkward to handle.
At the end he gets in and we're off.
Whole thing went nice and smooth - after driving the mourners home (one of the others took the hearse back - I'm now in the limo which is another eleventeen+ foot monster) they were chatting to the guvnor complimenting him on his services (and commenting on what a good journey it had been) when they asked the following question:
"What's the collective name for bearers?"
Blank look from the guvnor so I chipped in (quick as a flash)
"A lift?"
Merriment all round.
Another successful mission . . .
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lol: lol: lol:
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Still finding it a bit odd to go into the back room to hang my jacket up and being faced with over half a dozen assorted caskets!
Nearly all made of veneered MDF I might add, and the fixtures and fittings are all "plated" plastic!
Serious instruction (one of the first I had) was: "Never try to lift the casket by the handles - they are purely decorative!" . . . . . .
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Still finding it a bit odd to go into the back room to hang my jacket up and being faced with over half a dozen assorted caskets!
Nearly all made of veneered MDF I might add, and the fixtures and fittings are all "plated" plastic!
Serious instruction (one of the first I had) was: "Never try to lift the casket by the handles - they are purely decorative!" . . . . . .
Plus they have all been used about twenty times for cremations... ;)
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A fire sale...... rubschin:
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A fire sale...... rubschin:
lol: lol: lol:
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2378393/Watch-FedEx-worker-THROWING-dozens-packages-truck.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2378393/Watch-FedEx-worker-THROWING-dozens-packages-truck.html)
A tip for Marley then...... whistle:
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2378393/Watch-FedEx-worker-THROWING-dozens-packages-truck.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2378393/Watch-FedEx-worker-THROWING-dozens-packages-truck.html)
A tip for Marley then...... whistle:
happy001