Author Topic: More Top Tips  (Read 17664 times)

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Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #15 on: August 01, 2013, 05:07:32 PM »
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

MONKS. CONDUCT a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.
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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2013, 05:07:59 PM »
FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

happy001

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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2013, 05:09:42 PM »
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

MONKS. CONDUCT a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

AFFS!  cussing:

Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2013, 05:15:38 PM »
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2013, 05:18:33 PM »
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:

Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2013, 05:21:22 PM »
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:

Bollox - I won't post any more....  evil:
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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2013, 05:35:23 PM »
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

VACUUM CLEANER manufacturers. Put a smiley face on your machines. It really makes us laugh at six o'clock in the morning when the lead gets tangled around chair legs and keeps overbalancing.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Is this a game where you keep coming up with AFFS?  rubschin:

Bollox - I won't post any more....  evil:

Nope, do not stop.  Thumbs:  Just try some original ones next time.  whistle:

Offline Just One More

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2013, 07:05:54 PM »
Some crackers between the Affs ones though. Particularly...

THINKING of waterfalls and fountains is well known to help one urinate. Similarly, thinking of landslides and lorries unloading soil can help even the most constipated person clear their bowels.

FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

happy001

CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown. 

 lol:  lol:  lol:
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Online Nick

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2013, 07:11:38 PM »
COPPERS: Stop outside lane hogs. Close off the outside lane on all motorways.
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Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2013, 07:23:54 PM »
OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid's worth of groceries at Safeway and you'll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won't have to rob your employees pension funds to shore up your profits.

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn't work by pulling their house backwards.

NICK. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.
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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2013, 07:40:01 PM »
OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid's worth of groceries at Safeway and you'll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won't have to rob your employees pension funds to shore up your profits.

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn't work by pulling their house backwards.

NICK. Park for free in any city centre by smashing the windows, pulling out the radio and attaching a 'Police Aware' sticker to the front windsreen. Long term parkers may wish to burn their vehicles out for greater effect.

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Online Nick

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2013, 07:40:53 PM »
 ::)
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Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2013, 07:41:44 PM »
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:
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Offline Barman

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #28 on: August 01, 2013, 07:42:25 PM »
SHOE MANUFACTURERS. Stop your shoes giving people blisters by making them out of plasters.
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Offline Baldy

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Re: More Top Tips
« Reply #29 on: August 01, 2013, 07:43:12 PM »
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.

 rubschin:

 lol: