Author Topic: Fresh from the Inbox  (Read 290408 times)

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Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4530 on: March 26, 2018, 06:00:23 AM »
I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
happy001
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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4531 on: March 26, 2018, 08:08:19 AM »
I need to re-home a dog, it’s a small terrier, and it tends to bark a lot

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over the fence into my neighbour’s garden and get it for you
happy001
happy001 happy001
happy001 happy001 happy001
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4532 on: March 26, 2018, 10:26:16 PM »
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”:)
Well, whatever nevermind

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4533 on: March 27, 2018, 05:40:30 AM »
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”:)

 drumroll:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4534 on: April 01, 2018, 07:04:36 PM »
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
Well, whatever nevermind

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4535 on: April 02, 2018, 12:01:43 AM »
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Nick

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4536 on: April 04, 2018, 12:16:44 PM »
How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4537 on: April 04, 2018, 12:52:34 PM »
How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

 redface:
redface: redface:

 :thumbsup:
Well, whatever nevermind

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4538 on: April 04, 2018, 09:43:52 PM »
How young - or all - people set about work, from Dolan Cummings' thriller 'That Existential Leap': "Monday you don’t do anything; you have all week after all. Tuesday you do half an hour’s work, and congratulate yourself for getting ahead of the game. Wednesday you take off to recover. On Thursday, there is no avoiding some hard work: obviously it’s too late to do the thing properly, so you have to figure out some way to postpone it, or scale it down to something that can be done tomorrow. But Friday is practically the weekend, so it’s just going to have to wait till next week."

 redface:

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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4539 on: April 05, 2018, 07:17:21 PM »
An variation on an old joke


There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”
Well, whatever nevermind

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4540 on: April 05, 2018, 11:00:58 PM »
An variation on an old joke


There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Steve

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4541 on: April 11, 2018, 05:24:58 PM »
Likely an Affs but whatever

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
Well, whatever nevermind

Offline Just One More

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4542 on: April 18, 2018, 05:43:50 PM »
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Online Barman

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4543 on: April 18, 2018, 08:19:37 PM »
My wife's going to the Caribbean

Jamaica?

No, the Home Office did


happy002
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Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Fresh from the Inbox
« Reply #4544 on: April 18, 2018, 08:25:51 PM »