Fresh from the Inbox

[apc2010]

 

[apc2010]

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence.........?




Divorced.............

[Barman]

Elephants and memory

        This is an Incredible story!
       
       
        In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

        On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
       
        The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully.
       
        He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
       
        As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood
out with his knife, after which the elephant
        gingerly put down its foot.
       
        The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for
        several tense moments... Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled.
       
        Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.
       
        Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
       
        Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son.
       
        As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
        and his son Cameron were standing.
       
        The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.
       
        The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all
the while staring at the man.
       
        Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
       
        Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure.
       
        He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
       
        The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against
        the railing, killing him instantly.
       
        Probably wasn't the same elephant..

       
        This is for everyone
        who sends me those
        heart-warming
        bullshit stories...

The Affs! 

http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=3411.0

[The Moan Ranger]

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[Barman]

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
"That's serious "said the doctor" you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[Just One More]

My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.

[Barman]

My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.

 

[Darwins Selection]

My mate found out last night that he's both gay and dyslexic.
He's still in daniel.

[Just One More]

A little late in coming but it made I larf



Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!

[The Moan Ranger]

A little late in coming but it made I larf



Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how i came by it.

Got stopped in Blackpool today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo.

I said "Wave", and they all ran like f*ck!!!

 

[Barman]

 

[Baldy]

OK I'll try again.





They've sent my census form back!!


In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote,
'Asylum seekers, Travelling folk, smack heads, unemployable lazy sods, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of bloody Eastern Europe!'

Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.

[Uncle Mort]

Probably because it's already been used. 

[apc2010]

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.



They both decide to test it by asking a question each.



Barak goes first.



“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”



Cameron thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:



“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.



“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”



David replies,









“Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

[Barman]