Fresh from the Inbox

[Just One More]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

[Barman]

 

[Just One More]

I went to my extremely attractive female doctor yesterday. She said, “you have to stop masturbating”
I said, “why”
She said, “because I’m trying to examine you”


I was walking through the cemetery yesterday and some bloke was crouching behind one of the gravestones
I said, “ morning”
He said, “no, just having a shit”


I was walking down the road the other day and saw my mate Abdul standing on his fifth floor balcony shaking a rug. I shouted up, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start”

[Just One More]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ................"The moral of the story... three things in life are certain  ...................

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Just One More]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters..
 
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, And the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said:

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum Fainted !

[Nick]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRAsz0seU
 

[Nick]

Chaos reigned this morning at the End of the World Shopping Centre in Cornwall when a customer at Fishy Feet, the centre’s fish doctor spa, lost both feet in a tragic nibbling accident.
Dorothy Jones, 66, was rushed to hospital after an employee filled a tank with piranha instead of the usual garra rufa. ‘I thought I was doing everyone a favour’, said Denise Jenkins, 16, of Truro. ‘I reckoned if I put the piranhas in then the customers would get their feet done right quick, like. Our customers are busy people. They don’t have time to sit and relax for ten minutes. I thought two minutes would be enough’, she added.

Mrs Jones, said, ‘I didn’t realise there was a problem until I lifted my feet out of the tank and they stayed there. I don’t blame the assistant. She thought she was helping. It’s really nice to see a young person showing some initiative these days.’

The manager of Fishy Feet declined to comment on the incident, although he did admit that Miss Jenkins had lost three fingers and her ‘World’s Greatest Mam’ bracelet whilst trying to retrieve the feet.

[Pirate]

[Serious] We were at Sea World in Florida (mainly to see Clyde and Seamore take Pirate Island, the mime artist is superb)



and we were at Dolphin Cove taking photographs when this bastard



popped up and tried to take a silver chain off my wrist with its teeth. The chain  must have flashed in the sun and he thought it was a fish or summfink...nearly had me freaking hand off, much to the amusement of those all around [Serious over]

[Nick]

A bulletin from my mate with the pet elephant!



Hi,

Well today I've been to the Leela Hotel, it's the only real 5* hotel around and on Sundays it lets the plebs in, if you buy Sunday Brunch. Well I do because it's the only place in Kerala that has 3 kinds of lettuce, actually it's the only place in Kerala that has any lettuce. If you order a Green Salad here you get Carrot, Cucumber and Tomatoes, you will notice, (if you're sharp) that there is nothing green in any of that. (My Mother would be so surprised, and so pleased, lettuce, green.) You also get use of their pool, which is the best around, so I use it every Sunday.

So today I'm in the bar, (by accident you understand), and this bloke starts talking to me about the cricket, which is on the TV. Well as you probably know my knowledge of cricket is 'limited' to say the least, however, having spent far too much time in India of late, I do know India is the best. And so I can handle this conversation, because he is clearly a foreigner. (foreigner: ie: someone who knows less about cricket than you do. The Tebbit definition.)  It turns out that his name is Sach(a)  (Russian) and lives or has lived in Chicago for 20 years. He thinks Chicago is the best city in the world. We talk about cities, we are both city people. New York, London, Paris, Rome, we get on. Then I lose it, Moscow, Beirut, Islamabad, I'm out of my depth. We talk world politics. corruption, east / west, the fall of the Berlin wall, we discuss the present situation in the middle east, the fanatical future for the world, he is not without opinions. he shows me his passport,  (Russian I think) 6  years old and stuffed with visas and entry/exit permits. I ask him what he does for a living, (I've all ready heard about his trips to Siberia and beyond).

'Arms'. That's it. So, suddenly it's not about cricket, it's another area that I know very little about. Our conversation about world politics suddenly comes into focus. Who the fuck am I talking to,  I'm talking to Goldfinger! ( Actually he's better looking than that, but he probably would be, wouldn't he?) Maybe he's not 'Goldfinger" but one of those around the table, (one of which suddenly gets tipped back from their seats into a pit of Vipers). Any way, this is some heavy dude.

Then the conversation changes, (well it would wouldn't it). He knows I know Kerala, and he wants to know is there a night life here, where he can have 'good, clean, adult fun around here, he describes "Heaven" the Moscow nightclub which we all know from those films, it sounds great, but not available here. Sadly I disillusion him. Kovalam closes at 11pm.

We stare deep into each others eyes, I know that if the chair doesn't tip me back into a pit of vipers I'm OK, he knows that as long as l don't reach for my Walther PPK, he is safe. We smile, a sardonic smile and part.

Another Sunday at the Leela another day in Kovalam.

Love you all,

Tony XXXXXX

[Snoopy]

Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!


Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.

[Barman]

Our neighbour knocked on the front door this morning at 3 a.m.
Three in the fecking morning!


Fortunately, I was still awake ... practising my drums.

 

[Barman]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied..
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[Tipsy Gipsy]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[Barman]

4/10 must try harder... 

[Nick]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/02/07/asbos-to-be-replaced-by-town-square-naughty-steps/